Sie sind auf Seite 1von 3

Paranoid Part II 2/20/2014

You know how it is said that most young people always believe that they act like nothing will
happen to them and that they will live forever? Well, it has always been the opposite for me. When I
was in school, and we had to watch those slide shows of gruesome car wrecks, and hear stories about
the victims of them and what they went through, I would have to turn away from them and pretend I
was under a waterfall. Sometimes I felt like I was going to faint, or I would become afraid I might faint,
my head would feel funny, and I was afraid if I did faint I would fall and hurt myself when I did. One
time when I was a junior in high school, a kid actually did faint while watching a slideshow showing a
person with a damaged aorta valve. Im surprised it wasnt me.
If during a college lecture, something like a person getting an aneurysm is brought up, I start to
hyper-focus on it and I start rubbing my head and spacing out. Brain aneurysms I fear, and heart
attacks, moreso than cancer. They just seem like a jarring thing to happen. Life seems so fragile. My
friend Joe died from appendicitis. I could randomly die tomorrow, or tonight, and who wouldnt be able
to go on with their lives like nothing happened? It might be a small point of discussion, but ultimately it
would be something everyone would get over. People are constantly dying from all kinds of things, and
so every day I have to realize that it could happen to me at any second. There is no sanctuary from
death. There is not a single place on this world that can hide you from it. When I am driving, I fear
death. I fear a car might slam into me and metal will go through my brain. Brain injuries seem the
scariest to me. I wonder what it would feel like. Would it be like a shocking sensation? Like would your
vision go all wacky and cut in and out? What would it look like? How would your vision be affected?
I recently got a tooth infection, and I have to go to the dentist to be put under via anesthesia. I
worry about that. I fear dying of a tooth infection, and I fear dying while being put under. I fear altered
states. I fear what it will feel like to be forced to sleep. I recently took a weed cookie around New Years
Eve, and I started to freak out. I was with Amy Mitchell, and her friends Jen and James. I noticed the TV
getting brighter, and I felt my states being altered. My first thought was Ohh my god, someone laced it
with acid! Then I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I stood up, and ran outside. I stood by the
balustrade, and hoped that the combination of the fresh breeze and my willing sobriety back upon me
would do the trick. I stayed in a freaked out state for quite a while, but it eventually wore off and I felt
relieved. Yesterday, in fact, I think I dreamed that I was about to have a heart attack, but it seemed so
real. I took too many Aleves, and I also took an aspirin, which you arent supposed to do, because they
are NSAIDs, and you cant mix them.
Because I have recently gotten new meds for my anxiety, and now I have antibiotics and pain
killers for my bad tooth, I constantly google combinations of the medications to see if I am safe taking
them together. Every new sensation I feel brings me a new worry. If my chest feels a tingle, I think Im
about to have a heart attack. If my head feels a temporary ache or zap, I think I am going to have an
aneurysm, or maybe I have brain cancer. Maybe Michelle de Montaigne was right, and that a swift
death would be the best death at least for me. I dont want to know that Im dying when I do. I feel
this neurotic hypochondria will only get worse with time. Im 27 right now which, ohh by the way,
means that I can join the club of greats if I were to die while going under. Did I mention the phone
number contained 666 in it? The phone for the Dentistry place that is.
Maybe it is my schizotypal that causes me unnecessary distress from bullshit superstitions. I
consider myself a man of science, but when it comes to being scared I sometimes fear the most
irrational things. Sometimes I fear a spider will be behind me, or that someone will open my door and
attack me when my room is dark and Im trying to sleep. I even believe in the possibility of ghosts when
Im in my most vulnerable of states and alone, though I dismiss them as utter nonsense during the day.
Hmm, I went off on a tangent. What I meant to say was, though I am 27 now, what about when Im 40?
50? 60? Christopher Hitchens died in his 60s, and a lot of people would probably say that was a pretty
natural age to go at. Right now I can somewhat console myself, and tell myself that Im probably too
young to die of things like cancer and heart attacks, but that consolation will fade when the years go by.
I cant turn my brain off. I cant stop my introspections. I cant tell myself to not think of death,
because then thats what I do think about. Does anyone else do this? What is wrong with me? I feel
like Im a monist, but I act like such a dualist. I treat my brain like it is this unique place where I hide
away inside of away from the rest of the world like Im watching what passes before my eyes as it was a
movie and I am the only audience member. That is part of why I so much more fear dying of brain
cancer or an aneurysm. I know earlier I said I fear cancer less than a heart attack, but I think brain
cancer may be the exception. Anyway, its late (nearly 2am) and I cant afford to miss my business law
class like I missed my accounting class yesterday. Im going to finish watching E. T. now, and then Ill lay
down and listen to Loveline clips on youtube because Adam Carolla cracks me up even though I find him
too judgmental of his callers, and should I take my Seroquel to help me go to sleep? How will that
react with my Hydrocodon?
-Greg dratsab Huffman
(2/21/2014) Addition:
It scares me that while my mind and consciousness are so indispensible and that they rely upon
a mushy body filled with blood and fat and tendons, and that this body is filled with all sorts of fragile
functioning systems that dare not be disturbed lest I perish and my conscious thoughts come to an end.
This body must endure not only the external world, but is not safe from mistakes of its own inner
workings. I neglected to mention blood clots previously. I recently read back on wrestler Chris Candido
(who was only 33) and how he died so randomly post-surgery after breaking his leg. Death doesnt have
a plot build-up, but it strikes without warning. And air bubble embolisms, those terrify me as well. How
easy it seems one could get one, merely from a needle that has an air pocket. I have even heard that a
female can receive one from blowing air into the vagina.
Though slightly not related, I thought I should mention a short story about an
acquaintance/friend I had in Knoxville, Tennessee. I have video footage of him on my computer, his
name was Brendan McNamara. His mother considered him a miracle kid she is religious. His brother
was killed in a car crash. Then, he was involved in a car crash, but he survived. He suffered from
seizures as a result, one of which I witnessed while we were watching a movie. He was going to college,
and around Christmas of 2008, he was coming to see his mother, but he and his uncle were involved in
yet another car crash that killed both of them Brendan was in his early twenties. My other
acquaintance/friend, Aaron Marbry, who was dating Rebecca, the mother, would later wonder at what
the meaning of this was. I think the idea of intrinsic meaning in the workings of nature is absurd, and I
sometimes use this story as an example of the absurdity of the idea of a divine plan being set out for all
people.
(3/13/2014) Taylor Caldwells surgery:
Yeah. So they opened me up. Its just a simple day surgery. While I was under, I had a very bad reaction
to the anesthesia and I stopped breathing completely.
That was the text I got while I was lounging in the shower, and texting on my phone. My friend
Taylor had to go get a major surgery, being opened up, to treat her endometriosis, and she related this
anecdote to me. I dont have much else to say on the matter, but rather found it quite the coincidence,
since I had recently written this story. I decided to share this writing with her (as of right now) and she is
the first to read it. Also, I recently ate another weed cookie, being told it was different than the last one
I tried I freaked out again. I think Ill save that story for a different writing though.

Das könnte Ihnen auch gefallen