Trash Animals

Phillip David Johnson II

Published by University of Minnesota Press
For additional information about this book
Access provided by University of Michigan @ Ann Arbor (8 Aug 2014 00:02 GMT)
http://muse.jhu.edu/books/9780816686735
201
Carolyn Kraus
oi sUmmiv movic a raggedyshadowdartedoutfromundertheold
black-and-whitetelevisionsetonmykitchentable,ploppedtotheoor,and
disappeared.Amaverickbeetleinfromthegarden,Ireasoned,ormaybea
mutantant.Tenextdaymysix-year-oldsonNicholastrappedsomething
inapicklejar.GrinningupatmefrombeneathhisDetroitTigersbaseball
cap,heannouncedhewastakingittoshow-and-tell.Istaredthroughthe
glassattheatyellowish-brownishcreature:sixhairylegs,longickering
antennae, two big wraparound eyes, the bulging brow of a philosopher. It
wasgroomingitself,onelegup,likeacat.
Takeitoutside,Itoldmyson,anddonttalkaboutit.
Skittering continued behind the TV for a week before my reluctant
attentionwasdrawntoawell-dressedmatronpeeringoutfromthescreen,
hereyebrowsraisedinanexpressionthatmirroredmyownconfusionand
horror.
Iwonttoleratetheminmyhouse!shewailed.
Wellgetridofthecockroaches,camethereassuringvoiceoftheOrkin
man,easingtheburdenontohisownbroadshoulders.Itsoundedsosimple.
ButIamapacist,avegetarian,anecofeminist.Icradlemothsinmy
hands and carry them outside. I share the planet humbly with all crea-
turesgreatandsmall,thoughIdhadnorealdealingswithcockroaches.I
knew them only indirectly, as the ultimate underdogs of literature. In Don
Marquiss1927chroniclesofArchy and Mehitabel,Archythecockroachhas
thetransmigratedsoulofapoetandwritesfreeversefromtheunderside
of a world full of giant mop buckets and evil-eyed exterminators. Diving
furiouslyatthekeysofanoldtypewriter,toosmalltoworktheshifkeyfor
11 Metamorphosis in Detroit
CAROLYN KRAUS 202
thecapitalletters,hedeclaresthatexpressionistheneedofmysoul
1
and
announceshisintentiontoconveythecockroachpointofview:
ofall
themassacresandslaughter
ofpersecutedinsects
atthehandsofcruelhumans
2
My views were formed, as well, in solidarity with Kafas Gregor Samsa, a
humble clerk metamorphosed into a giant bug among human predators.
PoorGregoriscontenttocreepupanddownthewallortodreaminacorner
as his sister plays the violin. But even this faithful sister eventually disowns
him,declaring,Tisdisgustinganimaltellingly,readersassumeitsa
cockroachobviously wants to occupy the whole apartment and force us
tosleepinthegutter.
3
Idalwayssidedwiththebug.Givenhumanityssordidhistory,Iwas
eveninclinedtoagreewiththeEnglishprofessorinJaneSmileys1993novel,
Moo,thatbeingturnedintoabugisastepupforGregor.
4
So,theoretically,Iwasallforthecockroachesandagainsttheirhuman
oppressors.Butnowmyroachesmarchedfromkitchentabletorefrigerator
tobathroomsinkwiththeauthorityofdoom,testingmyprinciplesandcall-
ing up some nastier characters from the cockroach canon: a decades-long
parade of cinematic frankenbugs, roboroaches, goo-dripping cooties from
outerspaceandTe Cockroach Tat Ate Cincinnati.
With trembling ngers I leafed through the Detroit phone book and
foundelevenyellowpagesdevotedtopestcontrol.Competitionwaserce.
Six listings came before I even got to Aardvark Exterminators (We use
unmarked cars). Appeals ranged from the euphemistic Pestorest to the
metaphoricalCallDr.Jess.Allhispatientsdie...totheliteralWeKill.
Todignifytheirtrade,somecompanieshadchosennameslikeChristian
Exterminators and Phoenix Environmental Systems, names hinting crypti-
callyatresurrection.AnouttcalledAtlasboasted,Allworksupervised
byuniversitygraduate.
AsIsetdownthephonebooktomakebreakfast,Icouldhearmytwo
sons, Nick and eleven-year-old Alexander, keeping score in the bathroom:
Overhere,crawlinginthebathtub!
Heylook,abunchof emunderthesink!
Ishushedthemandtoldthemtogetdressedforschool.AsIpoured
their orange juice, the toast popped up, and a cockroach zipped out from
underthetoaster,apparentlyunsinged.Ipickedupthebutterdishandbe-
heldasquashedspecimen,wingsspreadinthegureofacrucixion.
METAMORPHOSIS IN DETROIT 203
During the rst troubled week of my cockroach invasion, I conded
my secrettotrustedfriendswhowhisperedbacktalesoftheirownroach-
ridden lives. One depended on Mr. Roach of Ypsilanti. Another swore by
thecrewatMeninBlack.Athirdfriendhadamonthlyarrangementwith
Slug-a-Bug.Buteachtoldataleofubiquitouschemicaldust,ofheavyexpen-
diture,ofroutemenwhoneverappearedtwice.
I wanted to retreat from the problemlike a Southern belle of my ac-
quaintance. Her husband tells how he rst set eyes on her, standing in the
shadowofasix-foot-longplasticroachrevolvingonapoleabovetheTermi-
nexoceinAustin.Rackinghisbrainforapickupline,hedpointedupat
themegaroach,doneupinorescentpurpleandgreenpaint,andaskedhis
futurewifeiftheygotmanycockroachesinTexas.
Oh, we dont have roaches here, shed drawled, just lil ol pal-
mettobugs.
IlackmyfriendscoolSouthernassurance,butwhenInoticedanad
forPiedPiperPestControl,anacceptablestrategysprangtomind.While
chemical warfare is not in my nature, I have nothing against reasoned ar-
gument, even gentle coercion. Why not lure the roaches out: Tis would
require research into their passions and preferencesacquiring their lan-
guage, so to speak. I resolved to track down the essentials at the Detroit
PublicLibrarythefollowingMondaymorningaferIdroppedthekidso
attheirelementaryschool.
ItwaspouringrainasIdrovemyrust-pockedFordEscortdownWood-
ward Avenue through a landscape of human dereliction that dwarfed
the eects of my cockroach invasion: the abandoned White Castle, the
crumbling hulks of Victorian mansions, the Stone Adult XXX Teater. I
pulleduptotheschool,nestledbetweenaboarded-upChineserestaurant
andahomelessshelteronDetroitsdrug-infestedCassCorridor.WhydidI
stayinthecity,whenfamiliesfrommyneighborhoodanenclaveofneat
brick ats and bungalowswere taking o for the suburbs in droves: Id
convincedmyselfthatitwasntmerenecessity.True,Iwasasingle-mother
survivalist without many options. But there was also a principle behind
mystaying.Likemychildrensteachers,soldieringonattheirpostsinthe
troubled city, I didnt want to be someone who bailed. I had always sided
with the underdog. I would stubbornly hold to my principles. Yes, even
aboutcockroaches.
IdrovebackdownWoodwardtothelibraryandparkedillegallyinthe
circular drive by the entrance. Covering the top of my head with a news-
paper,Idashedintotherain,throughtherevolvingdoor,andupthewhite
marblestepstothesciencesection.Consultingalibrarycomputer,Igathered
CAROLYN KRAUS 204
a tower of booksincluding some entomology tomes that hadnt lef the
buildingindecadesandlearnedtherudimentsofcockroachhistory.
Cockroaches adopted their way of life during the Carboniferous age,
aperiodsorichincockroachesperhapseighthundreddierentkinds
thatpaleontologistshavelabeledittheAgeofCockroaches.Terstspeci-
mens twitched onto the scene some 33 million years before the rst dino-
saurs.TeysawTyrannosaurus rexcomeandgo.Amongallinsectsknown
from that epoch, cockroaches alone have endured through re and ice for
atleast300millionyears,essentiallyunchanged.Darwinreferredtothem
as living fossils. Indeed the venerable cockroach you admire, frozen in
amber in the natural history museums display case, closely resembles the
intruderyoustompedatthatmorningonthekitchenoor.
Te high cost of downtown parking nes slipped my mind, as I sat
hunchedovermybooksatapolishedoaktableallmorning,movingdeeper
and deeper into the cockroach condition. Tere were yellowing pictures
of specimens with distinguished names worthy of their ancient lineage
likeBlaberus cranifer Burmeister,largestofAmericanroaches;Cryptocircus
punctu latus, the wood roach; and Gromphadorhina portentosa, the giant
Madagascarhissingcockroach,which,accordingtoentomologists,canlive
forsevenyearsandgrowtothreeinches,hissesloudenoughtoscareadog,
and is highly recommended as a hardy and docile pet, good for beginners.
Currentlyatleastfourthousandkindsofcockroachesarerecognized,with
countlessmore,presumably,lurkingundiscoveredintheplanetscracksand
corners.Ateamofinternationalscientistsrecentlyspottedamonstercock-
roach,fourincheslong,inthemountaincavesofIndonesiaand,nodoubt
tothedismayoflocalhouseholders,launchedacampaigntoprotectit.
3
With a touch of disappointment, I identied my cockroaches as the
mostcommonhouseholdvarietyBlattella germanica,theGermanroach.
HeapparentlyoriginatedinAfrica,notGermany,butcockroachestendto
getnamedforwhomeveryoudliketocrushunderyourfootatagivenhis-
toricalmoment.DuringitsspreadacrossEurope,writesformerHarvard
InsectCuratorHowardEvans,theGermanroachwascalledthePrussian
roachbytheRussians,theRussianroachbythePrussians,thusparalleling
thehistoryofsyphilis,whichwasknownastheFrenchdiseasethroughout
muchofEurope,buttheItaliandiseasebytheFrench.
6
Political,ethnic,andinterestgroupshavesimilarlydemonizedoutsiders
bynicknamingthemaferthelocalpest.Las cucurachaswasadisparaging
termforfemalecampfollowersofPanchoVillasarmyduringtheMexican
Revolution(19101920).Tesewomenwerememorializedinthefolksong,
LaCucuracha,withitsbaingchorusaboutastonedcockroach:
METAMORPHOSIS IN DETROIT 203
Lacucuracha,lacucuracha,
yanopuedecaminar
porquenotiene,porquelefalta
marijuanaquefumar
Tecockroach,thecockroach,
isunabletowalk
becauseshehasnone,becauseshelacks
marijuanatosmoke
7
Te song apparently evolvednot only from legends surrounding Pancho
Villa,butalsofrommultiplethreadsoforaltraditionintoapatchworkof
politicalsatire,romance,anddrugimagery.Iwonderedifthisjumblingof
sources and themes had spawned the association of drugs and cockroaches
thateventuallyledtoroachasthenameofamarijuanacigarettebutt;the
cokebugsandstonedbellydancingroachesinthenovelsofWilliam S.
Burroughs,whoonceworkedasanexterminator;andsuchreggaeclassicsas
WeedyWeedyandMiBrethrenRoachbyJamaicansingerEek-a-Mouse.
Further examples of roach exploitation and slander: In the eighties
Rafael Eitan, an Israeli chief of sta known for his blunt language, referred
tothePalestiniansasroachesinajar.
8
Andathis1992extortiontrial,New
YorkmobbossJohnGotti,lapsingintounderworlddialect,denouncedthe
miserablecockroachwhorattedhimoutandcouldexpecttobesquashed
for it.
9
In what is surely historys most egregious cockroach appropriation,
Hutu Power fanatics in Rwanda labeled the Tutsi people inyenzi, cock-
roaches,andpromotedthelanguageofdisgustassociatedwithaninfesta-
tioninordertoconvinceanentirepopulationtotakeupmachetesin1994
andslaughteramillionoftheirneighbors.Echoingthelogicofanti-Semitic
Nazi propaganda, the extremists argued that Tutsis represented an in-
corrigibleevil.Leavejustafewinyenziandtheplaguewillreturn,because
acockroachcannotgivebirthtoabuttery.
10
Giventheroachsevilreputation,hisassociationwithnarcotics,hisex-
ploitationasasymbolofdisgustandarationaleforgenocide,Iwelcomed
the occasional happier aliation. Long before Kafas Gregor Samsa, it
seemed, the cockroaches of literature and lore had spoken for the outcast
andthedowntrodden.IntheClassicalGreekplayPeace,Aristophaneshad
hispeasantTrygaeusbesiegedbythemiseriesofthePeloponnesianwar
ascendtoMountOlympusonaman-sizecockroachtopleadfordivinein-
tervention on behalf of his wretched compatriots.
11
Cockroaches gured
as tricksters in African folktales and reemerged to match wits with their
tormentors in Caribbean folktales and African-American slave narratives.
CAROLYN KRAUS 206
Identication with the canny underdog also led a number of contempo-
raryLatinowriterstoembracecockroachpariahdom.OscarAcostasauto-
biographical novel, Revolt of the Cockroach People, pits East Los Angeles
Chicanos against the Anglo legal establishment, and in Martin Espadas
CockroachesofLiberation,Latinoactivistsmultiply,strike,anddisappear
inthedark,tooquickforstompingboots.
12
Itremainedonlyfortheroach
tobesainted,andindeed,KilgoreTrout,theheroofKurtVonnegutsnovel
Venus on the Half- Shell,learnsthesecretsoftheuniversefromacockroach
sagenamedBingo.
Myresearchalsouncoveredsomepleasantsurprisesofamorescientic
nature. A cockroach wont bite you, but if theres absolutely nothing else
around,hemaynibbleabitatyoureyelashesorngernails.Hekeepshim-
self clean and his back continually polished while he lives o human lth
andspreadsitaroundintheprocess.Althoughhehasbeenlinkedtopolio,
hepatitis, asthma, salmonella, leprosy, and bubonic plague, the cockroach
actually considers you the hygiene problem. Afer exploring your hand or
yoursleep-quieteyelids,helllickhisantennae,hookingthemwithafront
legandpullingthemthroughhismouthtoremoveyourskinsoilyresidue.
Tat explained the fastidious and distinctly feline ritual Id witnessed last
weekinmysonspicklejar.
Iwassurprisedtolearnthatcockroacheshavebeenthelabanimalof
choiceinagruesomevarietyofscienticexperimentsworldwide,particu-
larlyintheUnitedStateswheretheyareexemptfromAnimalWelfareAct
protectionbecauseof insucientevidencethattheyarecapableoffeeling
pain.
13
AteamofinternationalresearchersatTokyoUniversitysurgically
implantedcockroacheswithmicroroboticbackpacksweighingone-tenth
ofanounce,abouttwicetheweightoftheroachesthemselves.Withhand-
helddevices,thescientistsdelightedinsteeringthebugsaroundthelablike
remote-controlled go-carts. Teir enthusiasm did not, however, extend to
thetoilingroaches.Teyarenotveryniceinsects,onecommented.Tey
arealittlebitsmelly,andtheressomethingaboutthewaytheymovetheir
antennae.Buttheylooknicerwhenyouputalittlecircuitontheirbacksand
removetheirwings.
14
Ifoundanumberofreferencestothehighintelligenceofroaches,as
demonstratedbytheirabilitytomastercomplicatedmazes.Oncetrained,
theycanevenbeconvincedtorunthemheadless,apopulardiversionof
sadists and science fair enthusiasts, apparently, since I found half a dozen
references to the headless, maze-running roach. Beheading may not rob
theroachofhismemorybecausehehasanextrabraininhistailamere
METAMORPHOSIS IN DETROIT 207
ganglion actuallythat not only remembers the path through a maze but
alsocoordinatesanecientescapereex.
13
Tisenablesthecockroach,with
orwithouthead,tohurtleawayattherstsignofdangerandworryabout
theheadproblemlater.
Onesourceevenincludedpracticaltipsonhowtodecapitatethehap-
less subject (slow strangulation by dental oss) and how to verify a suc-
cessful nonlethal beheading (tickle with a feather or toothpick). Te sub-
jectshouldbedispatchedafertheexperiment,anothersourceinstructed.
How do you kill something without a head: I thought as I glanced up
at the clock and noted that it was nearly three in the afernoon. Te kids
wouldbegettingoutofschoolsoon.
Istruggledtothecheckoutdeskwithanarmloadofbooksandscien-
ticjournals.Duckingbackintotherainbeneathmynewspaperumbrella,
Iluggedmybookstothecaranddumpedthemintothetrunk.Pausingto
snatch a soggy parking ticket from the Escorts windshield, I drove back
to school and picked up the kids, then headed home, amid gusts of wind
fromaduct-tapedwindow.BackonmystreetIpassedhouseswithwindow
boxes trailing licorice and scarlet geraniums, and porches lined with clay
potsofmulticoloredimpatiensbrightagsraisedagainstthecitysblight
and sprawl. What if these neighbors got wind of my roaches: Four white
ducksweredisplayedononeofthemanicuredlawns.Ifelttheirdisapprov-
ingplasticeyesuponme.
TateveningasIwasboilingspaghettifordinner,Iopenedacupboard
and pulled out the colander. Gazing forlornly at its speckling of telltale
brown dots, I knew Id lef the innocent and hypothetical roach in the
sparklingwhitesanctuaryofthelibrary.Fordespitehisadaptability,his
persecutedandmalignedstatus,hisheadlessmartyrdom,hisheroicfeatsof
endurance,youcannotlovearoach.Attheslightestfailureofthehumanwill,
hesthere,determinedtostay.Itossedthecolanderintothesinkandslumped
intoachairatthekitchentable.DuringthefollowingdaysIwouldsinkinto
paralysisasmysonscalledoutmoresightingsandtheroachesadvanced.At
nightIwouldickonthelightandcatchtheroachesmomentarilystunned
inthemidstofmaneuvers,thenwatchthemtakeolikehalfacksbreaking
intoopeneld.Teymadegreatleapsfromtabletooor,buoyedbyrumble-
seatwings.Roachesarethefastestrunnersamonginsects.
ButsurvivalistsliveSpartanlives,Iknew,andthecockroachesamong
usarenoexception.Atouchofwarmthfromthemotorofyourrefrigerator
ormyTV,alittlegarbageorwallpaperpastetomunchonthatsascloseas
theygettonirvana.Myresearchhad,however,turneduponecompensation
CAROLYN KRAUS 208
forbeingbornoneofthewretchedoftheearth:themaleroachisthesexiest
thingonsixlegs.TeX-ratedscenesinprogressbehindeverycrackinmy
kitchenwallweredocumentedadmiringlyinmylibrarybooksinlineafer
polysyllabicline.TemalecomesonlikeaSwissArmyknife,equippedwith
anarsenalofprongsandserratedprojectionsthathefastensontothefemale
sothatshesutterlyhooked.Teirmarathonsessionsmaylastseveralhours
and,insomespecies,alldaylong.Still,itssexwithoutlove.Postcoitus,the
malelosesinterestinthepartnerhehasbarelyseen,sincetheymatedposte-
riortoposterior.Oncefertilized,thefemalegoesonbearingfortyyounga
monthforlife,whilethecadofamalemovesfromvirgintovirgin.
Apheromonedubbedseducinstartsthingso,andscientistsappear
tobedeterminedtogettheirhandsonit.Ifitcouldbemanufacturedsyn-
thetically,thepheromonemightbeusedtobaitlethalroachtraps.Tus,the
errantmalewouldwithacertainpoeticjusticendhimselftrappedina
matchboxmotelbetweentwooverwhelmingurges:sexandsurvival.
Backintheearlyseventies,theU.S.DefenseDepartmentapparently
got wind of this research and cooked up a scheme to use synthetic roach
pheromonesasasecretweaponintheVietnamWar.Toughneverimple-
mented,theplanwastosprinkletheroachattractantaroundknownguer-
rillahideouts.Tescentwouldremainontheguerrillasandgivethemaway
whenvillagersundersuspicionweremarchedpastaboxcontainingapla-
toonofsix-leggedconscripts.Whentheroachesgotexcited,policewould
close in.
16
Iturnedonthekitchenfaucetfullforceandrinsedoutthecolander,
thenlefitsoakinginasinkfullofsoapywater.Meanwhile,myolderson,
Alexander, stood at the kitchen counter in his Star Wars T-shirt smearing
peanutbutteroncrackers,abefore-dinnersnack.
Dontleavethepeanutbutteronthecounter,Iwarnedhim.Putthe
crackers,peanutbuttereverythingintherefrigerator,notthecupboard.
Irinsedoutthecolander,wipeditdry,andshookoutthedishrag.Aroach
fellintothesink.
Why:Nickasked.
Wegotallthesecockroaches,Alexanderexplained.
Nicksatmunchinghiscracker,athoughtfullookonhisface.Momsaid
theyreaspecialkindofant,hetoldhisbrother.
Actually,no,theyrecockroaches,Iinterrupted,ashamedofmyfeeble
attempttocontainthefamilysecret.Ireachedintothespicedrawerforthe
oreganoandnoticedsomemovementinanuncappeddillweedshaker.
Teyrekindainterestingthough,Iadded,slammingthespicedrawer
METAMORPHOSIS IN DETROIT 209
shut.IlltellyousomestuIlearnedatthelibrarytoday.Ipreferredthe
abstractroach,andbesides,Idalwaysencouragedintellectualcuriosityin
my sons.
Asweatethespaghetti,Irecountedthemajorsellingpointsofroach
design: their ability to adapt to climate change, to withstand killer radia-
tion and gravitational force, to survive without water for several weeks by
reabsorbingmoisturefromtheirowndroppings.IdescribedaColdWarera
experimentinwhichscientistshadobservedroacheswhizzingaroundun-
fazed by ten times the gravitational force that would atten a human, and
another study that established the cockroachs ability to withstand radia-
tionatsixtimesthelethalhumandose.Withtheoccasionalvisualaidskit-
teringacrossthewall,mylectureheldtheboysattention.
Aferdinner,whileNickbuiltafortoutofcardboardboxesintheliv-
ingroomandAlexanderlayontheruginhispajamasdoinghomework,I
wasonmyhandsandkneesinthekitchen,scrubbingbrownecksoofthe
yellowlinoleumthatpeeledatthecornersnearthewalls,ineectforming
littleroachentrancesandexits.Teywereprettywelldugin,Icouldsee.I
thoughtofaposterthatusedtohanginmyfriendscollegedormroomwith
thecaption:AnuclearwarwillnotbewonbytheAmericans,theRussians,
ortheChinese.TewinnerofWorldWarTreewillbethecockroach.
Idbecomesoimmersedinthecockroachconditionatthelibrarythat
morning,thatIdneglectedmysearchforhisAchillesheel,butnowithit
me:aroachwilleatalmostanythingcigarettes,soap,ink,ortheinsula-
tionpokingoutofmykitchenceiling.Teyreespeciallyfondofbatguano,
leather,corks,cigars,andtheirownshedskin.Buttheyhaveaspecialpas-
sionforbeer.Especially,accordingtoasoberlywordedstudyconducted
atOklahomaUniversity,forPabstBlueRibbon.Aroachwilldieforabeer.
Tatnightbeforegoingtobed,IsetapaninfrontoftheinfestedTV
and lled it with beer. My roaches would gorge all night in front of the
tube,fallintoapleasantstupor,anddrown.Nomess.Nodangerouschemi-
cals.Nodirectassault.Tenextmorning,asIwassendingthekidsoto
school, I noticed a few adventurous lightweights oating in the pan, but
whenIemptieditintothesink,everyoneofthemrevivedanddartedinto
thewall.
Iconsideredacquiringapredatorformykitchen.TenIrecalledthat,as
partofhiscampaignforimmortality,acockroachtastesterrible.Onlyafew
predatorswillbiteintorawroach:tarantulas,hedgehogs,certainlizards,
andblindfoldedfraternitypledges.
Alizardsoundedbest.Irememberedspottingadoomedroachortwo
CAROLYN KRAUS 210
thelasttimeIdtakenthekidstotheDetroitZoosreptilehousewhilewe
werewatchingthesnakesandlizardsrevolveunderplasticbubbleslikecafe-
teria salads. I called the reptile curator, who told me diplomatically, Our
lizards probably do get an occasional cockroach, but not because we pro-
videthem.Tezooonceconsideredreleasingsomelizardsbehindtheex-
hibitstoforageforthemselves.Geckos,likeroaches,arecrevicedwellers
andagoodbettokeepintrudersincheck.But,thecuratorconceded,How
would we keep them back there: Te zoo-going public wasnt ready for
free-runninggeckos.
ButIwas.EspeciallywhenIlearnedthatageckoissmall,clean,quiet,
nearly invisible, and hides himself all daycoming out only at night to
cleanoutmycockroaches.EstimatingthatIhadtwothousandfreeloaders
inmykitchen,halffemales,producingfortyospringamonth,Ididsome
quickarithmeticandconcludedIwouldneedatleastfourhundredgeckos,
each consuming three to ve roaches per night, just to stay even. Never-
theless,Idecided,onepairwouldstartmeonicely.Lizardsalesareillegal
inthecityofDetroitsincetheycancarrysalmonella,soIcalledPets RUs,
located in a nearby suburb. We got in a bunch of geckos last week, an-
sweredafemalevoice,buttheysoldlikehotcakes.Idontknowwhy.
AsIhungup,acockroachdartedacrossthephonecradle.Icorneredit
with a cupped hand, eyed it through two ngers, and froze. In just such a
momentoftruth,GeorgeOrwellwritesinhisessayShootinganElephant,
he too had found himself stuck between principles and experience. On one
hand was his hatred of the oppressive British Empire he served as a police-
maninBurma;ontheotherwashispalpable,evenmurderous,rageagainst
theBurmese,thoseevil-spiritedlittlebeastswhobaitedhim,spatonhim,
trippedhimup,laughedathim,andmadehislifeimpossible.
Teroachcreptout,stunned,frombetweenmycrackedngers,butI
nabbeditandeyeballeditagain.Tescalestipped.
I lobbed the roach against the wall. As it skittered away, I grabbed a
can of Raidpurchased in a moment of doubtfrom its dark and secret
shelfandblastedtheTV.Roachesspurtedoutlikewaterfromasplithose
zooming,leaping,stumbling.Ifoundoneupsidedowninareekingpoolof
Raid,legswavingintheair,andcrusheditbetweenmytwongers,thenwent
foranotherone.
AllnightlongIwasickingonthelightsinthekitchenandlivingroom
and crunching as many as I could underfoot before they regained their
sensesandzigzaggedaway.Ibattedatthemwithayswatter.Isuckedthem
upbythedozensintoafoul-smellingvacuumcleaner.
METAMORPHOSIS IN DETROIT 211
Te exterminator arrived the following Monday morning at tena
moonlightingOrkinmanwithanacne-scarredface,achroniccough,anda
briefcasedisplayofroachsamplesencasedinplastic.Dressedinnavy-blue
coveralls with Ray embroidered in red on the breast pocket, he sagged
intoachairandsippedcoeefromaStyrofoamcupasIemptiedmyclos-
etsandcupboards,pilingdishes,cannedtomatoes,boxesofKrafmacaroni
andcheese,winterjackets,books,andstuedanimalsonsheetsspreadover
thelawn.
To demonstrate a newfound solidarity with my exterminators trade,
I thumbedasmallroachatontothetable.
Howcanyoudothat:hesaid,shuddering.
Isntthatyourjob:
Ikillem.Idontthumbem,hesaid.WhenIstarted,Iwasworkingin
BloomeldHills.Richpeople.Itsmostlyantsthere.Antsareokay.Roaches
givemethecreeps.
Doyougetjobsworsethanmine:Iasked,smilingweakly.
Areyoukidding:Heleanedback,restinghisfeetonthekitchentable.
His sad blue eyes met mine. Last week I opened a door in Pontiac and
roaches came streaming out by the thousands. It was like a horror movie.
Teladytoldmetheyhadntgottenthatbadtillaweekbefore.Ijustnodded
andtriednottosmile.Terewereamillionroachesinthathouse.
Howbadaremine:
Itsnotyourfault,hereplied,duckingthequestion.Teycancome
infromanywhere.Allthegrocerystoreshavethem.Idontmindajoblike
this.ItsthephobicsIcantstand.
Tephobics:
Peoplewhodontreallyhavebugsandthinktheydo,heexplained.
OnemorningIwasgoingintoahousejustasthefurnacemanwascom-
ingout.Hejustshookhisheadandsaidgoodluck.Teladysaidshehad
bedbugs.Shewasscratchingalloverandtellingmeaboutbeesinthewall
and giant roaches under the bed. Tere werent any, but she insisted, so I
gassedthehouse.WhatIsoldherwasbasicallypeaceofmind.
Asmyexterminatorwentabouthiswork,ferretingbugsoutoftheelec-
tricclock,thewaterpipes,thepictureframes,thegapbetweenthewalland
the bathtub, coughing all the while, he regaled me with secrets of his cut-
throat trade. I go through the trash cans of my competitors regularly. I
havelistsoftheircustomerswithaddresses,phonenumbers,appointment
dates, and charges. When business slows down, Ill blitz em with calls and
underbid for the jobs. He conded his horror of poisons, especially of a
CAROLYN KRAUS 212
mysteriousratkillercalledCyanogas.Ifyouhaveanaccidentwiththatin
yourcar,youdontwalkaway,hesaid,shakinghishead.
Itwastheroaches,however,thathaddefeatedhim.Teydevelopim-
munitiestopoisons,hesaid.Teyevenpasstheimmunitiesontotheir
ospring.Onewaddlingpregnantsurvivor,itseems,canrepopulateadeci-
mated pantry and negate all his eorts. I want to go back to college, he
confessed,andstudycomputers.
Afewweekslater,myroachescamestaggeringback,butbythenIhad
lostmytasteforextermination.IabandonedtheoldTVbythecurb,andI
satstaringatacrackinthewall.Iknowtheyreinthere,Ithought.Oram
Ibecomingaphobic:
Finally, my ideals did not stand the test. Pacism is easy from a dis-
tance,butupclosearoachisaroach.Tevirtuesofthissix-leggedsurvival
machinespeed, endurance, intelligence, adaptability, fecunditybecome
hissinswhenhesetsuphisSpartancampinyourcupboard.
Still,Ivegainedakindofresignedrespectfortheviliedcockroach.
He skitters through the maze of life with no hard feelingseven without
hisheadandwreakshisdevastationwithoutmalice.Itsonlyfairtonote,
aswell,thatweinvadedhispantrylongbeforeheinvadedours.AsArchy
thecockroachpoetremindsus:
insectswereinsects
whenmanwasonly
aburblingwhatsit
17
Tecockroachexistedfor300millionyearsbeforetheickerofhumanhis-
tory,andheslikely,withsomejustice,toinherittheEarth.
Notes
1.DonMarquis,Archy and Mehitabel (NewYork:Doubleday,1927),14.
2.Ibid.,27.
3.FranzKafa,Metamorphosis (NewYork:Bantam,1972),49.
4.JaneSmiley,Moo(NewYork:IvyBooks,1993),231.
3.GiantCockroachamongJungleFinds,BBC News,December23,2004.
6.Howard Ensign Evans, Life on a Little- Known Planet (New York: Dutton,
1968),30.
7.RobertGordon,LaCucuracha,inOldSongsTatMenHaveSung,issue
no.246ofAdventure Magazine,1923.
8.RobertFisk,WhenJournalistsRefusetoTelltheTruth,Independent(Lon-
don),April17,2001,7.
METAMORPHOSIS IN DETROIT 213
9.MarianCopeland,Cockroach(London:ReaktionBooks,2003),109.
10.HumanRightsWatchWebsite,http://www.hrw.org/legacy/worldreport99/.
11.MalcolmDavies,Greek Insects(London:GeraldDuckworth,1986),1112.
12.MartinEspada,CockroachesofLiberation,inCity of Coughing and Dead
Radiators(NewYork:Norton,1993),23.
13.Neil McFarquhar, Four-Footed Clients and Futile Cases: A Rutgers Law
Professor Fights to Expand the Animal Kingdoms Rights, New York Times, No-
vember11,1993,D4.
14.EricTalmadoe,JapansLatestInnovation:ARemote-ControlRoach,AP
WireService,July16,2001,athttp://www.wireheading.com/roboroach/.
13.Nicholas Longo, Probability-Learning and Habit-Reversal in the Cock-
roach,American Journal of Psychology77(1964):618.
16.Michael K. Rust and Donald Reierson, Using Pheromone Extract to Re-
duceRepellancyofBlatticides,Journal of Economic Entomology70(1977):37.
17.Marquis,Archy and Mehitabel,30.