Etiquette of Marital Life: "Better Half... BetterLife" - Learn Islam

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Etiquette of Marital Life

LEARN ISLAM

"BETTER HALF...BETTER LIFE"
(Etiquette of Marital Life)
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CONTENTS
Sr.No TOPIC Page
no
Class 1 -WHY MARRY 3
Class 2 -SELECTING A SPOUSE 8
Class 3 -INTIMACY IN ISLAM 18
Class 4 -RIGHTS OF THE HUSBAND AND WIFE 28
Class 5 -THE PROPHET S.A.W AS A HUSBAND 34
Class 6 -THE FIVE LANGUAGES OF LOVE 44
Class 7-MARITAL CONFLICT AND THEIR ISLAMIC
SOLUTION 54
Class 8 -INTERACTING WITH SOCIETY AS A COUPLE 64
Class 9 -ISSUES AND FAQS IN MARITAL LIFE 70
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"BETTER HALF...BETTER LIFE" (Etiquette of Marital Life)
'Class1-WHYMARRY

WHY SHOULD I GET MARRIED?
MOST IMPORTANTLY. To find love, mercy and security in one another
Allah states, Permitted for you, during the night of the fast, that you approach your wives. They are
your garments, and you are their garments [al-Baqarah; 187].
In this verse, each spouse is described as a garment to the other. The famous exegete Ibn Jarir al-Tabari
(d. 311) stated that this description most aptly described the act of intimacy between the spouses, for
during that act, each spouse sheds his or her other garments and then wraps around the other, taking
the place of clothes. Al-Qurtubi (d. 671) also comments on this metaphor, and adds that just as clothes
protect their wearer from the external elements, similarly each spouse protects the other from external
passions that would harm a marriage.
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Combining between the various explanations of this beautiful metaphor found in the books of tafseer,
we can derive many meanings from it:
The act of procreation is so intimate that it is literally as if one of the spouses covers up the other, just as
clothing covers up ones body. Another expression that the Quraan uses for the sexual act is the verb
ghashsha, which means to cover up, to envelop.
One primary purpose of clothing is to conceal ones nakedness, since this nakedness (or àwrah) is
embarrassing to display, and should be hidden from the eyes of others. Similarly, each spouse conceals
the other spouses faults, and does not reveal them to others.
Clothing protects one from the external elements, such as heat and cold. Similarly, spouses protect one
another from external desires that originate from many different sources. By satisfying these desires
within the confines of marriage, external passions are removed.
Clothing is the primary method through which humans beautify themselves. Without clothing, one is
incomplete and naked. Similarly, spouses beautify and complete one another; when a person is not
married, he or she is not yet complete and has not reached his or her full potential.
Marriage is an essential part of being fully human, just like clothes are an essential part of being fully
civilized.
Clothes are only worn in front of others, and are not necessary in front of spouses. It is only in front of
ones spouse that the other spouse can discard his or her garments.
Clothes are the closest thing to ones body. Nothing comes between a person and his or her clothes. So
the analogy of spouses being like clothes to one another implies such a closeness there is nothing,
literally and metaphorically, that should come between spouses.
Marriage Is One of Allah's Laws
One of Allahs important laws is that things are created in pairs; and from these pairs, reproduction
occurs. Allah (SWT ) says:
We have created all things in pairs, that perhaps you may remember.
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This applies to human beings who are made of male female pairs as well. Humankind started with our
father, Adam, and our mother, Hawwa (Eve). From that pair, Allaah (SWT) created all of the other
people, as He (SWT) says:
O people! Revere your Lord who has created you from a single soul, created from it its mate, and
dispersed from both of them many men and women.
Islaam Urges The Muslims To Marry
Allaah commands the believers to marry and help those under their charge to marry as well. He says:
Marry the unmarried among you and the righteous of your male and female slaves. If they should be
poor, Allaah will enrich them from His favors. Allaah is Bountiful and Knowing.
Also, Allahs Messenger (S.A.W.) commanded the young people to marry, and advised those of them
who could not afford it to fast as a means of controlling their sexual desire. Ibn Masood (r.a.) reported,
We were with the Prophet (S.A.W.)
while we were young and had no wealth whatsoever. So Allahs Messenger (S.A.W.) said:
Young men, those among you who can afford marriage should do so, for it helps lower the gaze and
guard the private parts (from zina). And those who cannot afford it should fast, for fasting is a repression
(of desire) for him.
Advantages Of Marriage
Being ordained by Allaah the Most Wise and All Knowing, marriage is sure to have many virtues and
advantages. In what follows we list a number of them.
1. PRESERVATION OF FAITH AND RELIGION
Righteous spouses assist one another in preserving their Deen by offering help, support, and advice that
enable them to obey Allaah and abstain from sinning.
Anas ( RA) reported that the Prophet (S.A.W ) said:
When Allaah grants one a righteous wife, He has helped him (by that) to preserve half of his religion.
Let him then fear and revere Allaah in regard to the other half.10
2. Marriage, The Door To Wealth!
And marry those among you who are single (male and female) and (also marry) the pious of your
(male) slaves and maid-servant (female slaves). If they be poor, Allaah will enrich them out of His
Bounty. And Allaah is All-Sufficient for His creatures needs, All-Knowing. [Surah An-Noor, 32]
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Through this aayah, the companions would encourage others to get
maried.
Abu Bakr As-Sadeeq is reported to have said, Obey Allaah in what He comanded you to do by getting
married; He will then fulfil His promise to you to make you rich. He then recited the (above) verse.
Umar Ibn Al-Khattaab said. Seek richness through marriage!
Likewise, Abdullaah Ibn Masood said, Find richness by getting married.
Abdullaah Ibn Abbaas said, Allah has commanded (the Muslims) to get married, and He has
encouraged and enticed them for it. So He has commanded to marry off their free-men and slaves (i.e.,
all those under their protection), and He has then promised them richness as a result.
It has been narated that Umar Ibn Al-Khattaab once remarked. I have never seen any stranger than a
man who does not seek richness through marriage, even though Allaah has promised, as a result of it
(i.e., marriage) what He has promised: if they are poor, Allaah will enrich them out of His Bounty.
Non-Islamic advantages of getting Married: -
1. You get someone to share your life with
Staying single is not as appealing as it looks. At some point in your life you may feel the need to be loved
and taken care of. You would wish there was someone to share your sad and happy moments, someone
to share your success and failure, someone to do things along with you, someone to accompany you on
vacations, just someone who shares life with you! Marriage allows you to have this someone who will
share your feelings and experiences.
2. Good Mental Health
People who are single feel more burdened by lifes hardships whereas married people have a partner to
support and comfort them thus making them worry less about such obstacles in life and improve their
emotional health. Married people are less distraught and less psychologically perturbed than single,
divorced, cohabiting or widowed people. When people marry, their mental health improves in a steady
and considerable manner.
3. Help beat Cancer
In a Norwegian study, divorced and never-married male cancer patients had 11 and 16 percent higher
mortality rates, respectively, than married men.
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4. Help You Live Longer
A UCLA study found that people in generally excellent health were 88 percent more likely to die over
the 8-year study period if they were single.
5. True Love
There is no bigger proof of true love than Love for the Sake of Allah and if a couple is married with the
intention of completing their deen Allah instill in their hearts Love for each other and tranquiity.
Marriage ultimately signifies true and real love.
Dangers of Bachelorship
A strange phenomenon has recently developed among Muslims, without being confined to one country
or nationality-the alarming number of unmarried Muslimmen and women.
What is the effect of single unmarried men and women on the community? To find the answer to this
question, all one has to do is look at the non-Muslim communities. Every day we are confronted by the
perversion and sinful practices that the non-Muslims find acceptable in their societies. This occurs
because of their unnatural decision to abstain from marriage.
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'Class2-SELECTINGA
SPOUSE'
Now that we have seen how much importance Islam has accorded to marriage and marital life you
would perhaps ask, How do we select a spouse? What are the guidelines provided by Islam in this
regard? Do we look for some particular characteristics or just try to get the best from the worldly point
of view?
First and foremost remember, TO GET FATHIMAH YOU HAVE TO BE ALI (and Vice Versa) meaning we
have to be good ourselves to get a good spouse, as Allah says,
Indecent woman are for indecent men and indecent men are for indecent woman. Decent women are
for decent men and decent men are for decent women. The decent people are innocent of what people
allege. They will receive mercy and honorable sustenance. (Surah An-Nur Ayah 26)
So before everything we got to correct ourselves for His Sake and then pray to Allah for the best
InshaAllah!
Making sure that Muslims are well-matched to their spouses is one of the most important and
potentially difficult functions in Muslim society. The individual seeking marriage must have his/her
priorities straight and be clear on what characteristics are most important to be sought in a spouse in
order to have a successful marriage. There are many characteristics that are important in a husband or a
wife but some are much more important than others. Overemphasizing the wrong qualities can lead to
disaster down the road just as being neglectful of certain considerations can do likewise. When we come
to understand the goals and priorities of marriage in Islam, we may be guided to the Islamic
methodology of seeking marriage in Islam and stop blindly following the disbelievers in their ignorant
notions of the importance of "getting to know each other" and other such concepts which in reality
contribute nothing to and more often sabotage a successful marriage.
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CHOOSING A WIFE
"A woman is married for her deen, her wealth or her beauty. You must go for the one with deen, may
your hands be in the dust! (if you fail to heed)" [Muslim]
Religion
In the previous hadith, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) mentioned various characteristics
that people, by their nature and custom, look for in a spouse. He did not advocate any of them, but
merely stated them as facts of human nature except for the issue of "deen", i.e., a prospective spouses
piety and practice of Islam - their fulfilling of the wajib and their avoidance of the haram. About this
characteristic, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said "alaikum bi dhaati ad-deen" or "it is
upon you to seek the one of piety". This is an order and quite different from the general statement at
the beginning of the hadith which says "a woman IS MARRIED for..." and separates the issue of deen
from the other mundane issues and puts it in a category by itself. Also, when the Prophet (peace and
blessings be upon him) says at the end of the hadith "may your hands be in the dust", invoking this
negative outcome on those who disregard his order, it can only refer to the order to seen the spouse
with piety, since that is the only order in the hadith.
We must be careful not to be superficial in this issue. The mere wearing of hijab or keeping a beard and
praying in the Masjid, while obvious requirements of piety, do not by themselves guarantee it. There are
many people who at first glance appear to be abiding by Islam, but upon closer inspection have a
twisted understanding of Islam and their practice in reality may leave much to be desired. 'Umar once
told someone who had testified to the goodness of a person by the fact that he had seen him in the
Masjid that he does not know him as long as he has not had dealings with him that involved money, had
lived with him or traveled with him.
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Character and Behavior
Character is of extreme importance in Islam and goes hand in hand with faith and piety as mention in
An-Nur verse 26 (stated above).
One of the important issues of character in the spouses is the quality of wudd. This means kindness and
lovingness and compassion. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
"Marry the loving/friendly, the child-bearing for I shall outstrip the other nations with your numbers on
Qiyamah." Ahmad, Abu Dawud and others and it is [Sahih]
Therefore, the prospective spouses must ask and find out about the other person's behavior and
manners. As a sign also, one may look at the other person's family's manners and behavior and many
times (but no always) the behavior of people of the same family are similar. In other words, some
characteristics tend to run in some families whether they be good or bad characters such as anger,
politeness, stinginess, generosity, lying, truthfulness and so forth.
Beauty
This characteristic has a certain role to play since one of the purposes of marriage is to keep both
spouses from sins. The best way to do this is to have a strong attraction between the spouses. Although
this is something which surely grows over time, initial impressions can in some cases become an
obstacle to a successful marriage. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) separated Qais ibn
Shamas from his wife in the famous case of Khul'a and her stated reason was that he was exceedingly
displeasing to her. There are many hadith which urge the prospective spouse to get a look at the other
before undertaking the marriage. Once a companion told him (peace and blessings be upon him) that he
was going to get married. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) asked if he had seen her.
When the man said no, he (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
"Go and look at her for it is more likely to engender love between the two of you." [Ahmad and others
and it is sahih]
'Umar ibn Al-Khattab once said: "Do not force your young girls to marry an ugly man, for they also love
what you love."
Ibn Abidin (a famous faqih from last century) said: "The woman should choose a man who is religious,
of good character, generous and of ample wealth. She should not marry an evildoer. A person should
not marry his young daughter to an old man and an ugly man but he should marry her to one similar."
Beauty has its role, but remember that it is way down on the priority list under piety, character and
deen. When a person puts beauty above all else, the results can be disastrous.
Choosing the Mother (for your children):
If someone wishes to produce ripe fruits, he will indeed search for the land that is most fertile. One of
the great aspects of wisdom behind getting married is to produce righteous offspring that will worship
Allaah and serve as a provision for their parents.
The Prophet said: Marry women that are loving and fertile for indeed I will outnumber the nations
through you. [Reported by Abu Dawood]
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On the other hand, he praised a woman with good religious qualities, saying: Shall I not inform you of
the best treasure that a man gathers A righteous wife. [Reported by Al-Haakim]
This is from the rights that a child has over his father that he picks a good mother for him.
A man once came to Umar bin Al-Khattaab complaining about his son being undutiful to him. He had
brought his son with him and began blaming him for his disobedience, so the son asked: Doesnt a son
have a right over his father also? Umar said: Of course. The son said: Then what is it? Umar
replied: That his father carefully chooses a mother for him, that he gives him a good name and that he
teaches him the Quraan.
CHOOSING A HUSBAND
One of the ways in which Islam has honoured woman is by giving her the right to choose her husband.
Her parents have no right to force her to marry someone she dislikes. The Muslim woman knows this
right, but she does not reject the advice and guidance of her parents when a potential suitor comes
along because they have her best interests at heart, and they have more experience of life and people.
At the same time, she does not forego this right because of her father's wishes that may make him force
his daughter into a marriage with someone she dislikes.
There are many texts that support the woman in this sensitive issue, for example the report quoted by
Imam Al-Bukhaari from al-Khansa' bint Khidam: "My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like
this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allah . He said to me: Àccept what your father has
arranged.' I said, Ì do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.' He said, `Then this marriage is
invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.' I said, Ì have accepted what my father has arranged, but I
wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter's matters (i.e. they have no right to
force a marriage on them).
At first, the Prophet told al-Khansa' to obey her father, and this is as it should be, because the concern of
fathers for their daughters' well-being is well-known. But when he realized that her father wanted to
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force her into a marriage she did not want, he gave her the freedom to choose, and saved her from the
oppression of a father who wanted to force her into an unwanted marriage.
The Muslim woman who understands the teachings of her religion has wise and correct standards when
it comes to choosing a husband. She does not concern herself just with good looks, high status, a
luxurious lifestyle or any of the other things that usually attract women. She looks into his level of
religious commitment and his attitude and behavior, because these are the pillars of a successful
marriage, and the best features of a husband. Islamic teaching indicates the importance of these
qualities in a potential husband, as Islam obliges a woman to accept the proposal of anyone who has
these qualities, lest fitnah and corruption become widespread in society:
"If there comes to you one with whose religion and attitude you are satisfied, then give your daughter to
him in marriage, for if you do not do so, fitnah anmischief will become widespread on earth.
his does not mean that the Muslim woman should completely ignore the matter of physical appearance,
and put up with unattractiveness or ugliness. It is her right - as stated above - to marry a man for whom
her heart may be filled with love, and who is pleasing to her both in his appearance and in his conduct.
Appearance should not be neglected at the expense of inner nature, or vice versa. A woman should
choose a man who is attractive to her in all aspects, one who will gain her admiration and respect. The
true Muslim woman is never dazzled by outward appearances, and she never lets them distract her from
seeing the essence of a potential spouse. The Muslim woman knows that the man has the right of
qiwamah over her, as the Qur'aan says: (Men are the protectors and maintainers [qawwamun] of
women, because Allah has given the one more [strength] than the other, and because they support
them from their means . . .) (Qur'aan 4:34)
Hence she wants to marry a man of whose qiwamah over her she will feel proud, one whom she will be
happy to marry and never regret it. She wants a man who will take her hand in his and set out to fulfil
their life's mission of establishing a Muslim family and raising a new generation of intelligent and caring
children, in an atmosphere of love and harmony, which will not be impeded by conflicting attitudes or
religious differences. Believing men and believing women are supposed to walk side-by-side on the
journey of life, which is a serious matter for the believer, so that they may fulfil the great mission with
which Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa) has entrusted mankind, men and women alike, as the Qur'aan
says:
( For Muslim men and women - for believing men and women, for devout men and women, for true
men and women, for men and women who are constant and patient, for men and women who humble
themselves, for men and women who give in charity, for men and women who fast [and deny
themselves], for men and women who guard their chastity, and for men and women who engage much
in Allah's praise - for them has Allah prepared forgiveness and great reward.) (Qur'aan 33:35)
In order to achieve this great goal of strengthening the marriage bond, and establishing a stable family
life, it is essential to choose the right partner in the first place.
IS WEALTH IMPORTANT?
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Unfortunately, when looking for a husband, the woman's family or wali first look at his bank account,
instead of his iman, taqwa, and 'aqidah (creed).
Furthermore, many of today's Muslim women have been affected by un-Islamic ideologies. They do not
seek a husband who has taqwa and good character, which would guarantee for them a lasting, loving
relationship. Rather, they seek a husband who is affluent, has a prominent position, or holds a higher
degree of education - all at the cost of religion, morals, and, eventually, happiness.
While we do not call on Muslims to live in poverty, we emphasize that wealth is a minor factor that
should never be compared to deen and manners.
When a woman marries a man with deen and good character, she will not lose out in any respect: if he
keeps her, he will do so in a good manner; and if he releases her, he will do so in a good manner.
Furthermore, a man with deen and good character will be a blessing for her and her children, and they
will all help each other learn and improve in their Deen.
DO PARENTS HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE YOUR SPOUSE?
Consent is essential in the case of the husband, and also in the case of the wife. The parents have no
right to force their son or their daughter to marry someone they do not want.
But if the person whom the parents have chosen is righteous, then the child, whether male or female,
should obey the parents in that, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
If there comes to you one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry
(your daughter) to him. [Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1084; Ibn Maajah, 1967. Classed as hasan by al-
Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 865]
But if obeying them will lead to divorce later on, then the child does not have to obey them in that,
because consent is the foundation of the marital relationship, and this consent must be in accordance
with shareeah, which is approval of the one who is religiously committed and of good character. A child
is not considered to be disobedient or sinful if he does not obey his parents in this regard.
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah said: The parents do not have the right to force their child to marry
someone whom he does not want, and if he refuses he is not being disobedient towards them, as is the
case when he does not eat what he does not want. (Al-Ikhtiyaaraat, 344.)
RECOMMENDED STEPS TO TAKE BEFORE MARRIAGE
The following are important steps not only for those interested in getting married but also for any
others involved in the process of facilitating a marriage. The entire process, in order to be successful
with Allah's blessing, should be proper and consistent with the teachings of the Quran and the Sunnah.
All other endeavors will or can lead to misery and discord.
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Both spouses should seek to get married purely for Allah's pleasure and in order to fulfill the purpose of
marriage in Islam.
Both must put full trust in Allah that if they do everything properly and in accordance to the Shari'a that
Allah will bless them with a good spouse and that any other approaches are falsehood and will not lead
to Allah's blessing and success in marriage.
They should make du'a to Allah for a pious spouse who will aid them in their Islam and worship.They
should be very patient. The process of marriage may take a long time especially in areas where Muslims
are a small minority.
If a person has Muslim parents, they should seek their help in finding a spouse. If not, they should seek
help from married Muslim men and women.
When a person is found, they should seek advice from various parties familiar with the person.
They should see the prospective spouse and perhaps speak with them (not alone).
One should ask relevant questions and make clear the Islamic foundation of the marriage.
Both should pray istikhara to seek Allah's counsel.
Before the marriage contract, all dealings should be with the wali, and no attempt should be made to
strike up a relationship with the future spouse before the marriage.
They should avoid all of the innovations surrounding marriage which are so widespread among the
Muslims.
WORLDLY MATTERSTO BE KEPT IN MIND WHILE SELECTING A SPOUSE
These are some of the matters which are not related to religion but are important. Its your right to have
sufficient information about the person you want to marry. . Since it is not possible to know all of the
below points beforehand, it may be achieved by enquiring about them through various channels, such
as talking to their siblings (same gender as you) and asking some of your relatives to ask their friends
and those who know them well, because they may know a lot about his good and bad points which
other people would not know about.
Habits:
What kind of habits does this person have? Many times you don't know what kind of habits a person has
until you've lived with them. Ask the person what their bad habits are that way you know what to
expect before getting married,this way you're not taken by surprise. You could observe them at their
house or apartment or wherever they live beforehand to see what kind of habits they have as well.
Likes/Dislikes:
What does this person like/dislike when it comes to anything and everything? What kinds of food,
entertainment, sports, and work do they like to do? What do they do for fun? Do they have any hobbies,
collections, special skills? Do they have a few close friends, lots of friends?
Past:
How did they grow up? Where did they grow up? These are important things to learn because it is the
background the person has lived through and why they are who they are now. Did they go through
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anything especially traumatic or some kind of trial in their life? Is there anything you should know about
their family, their childhood, their life or past history? Were they ever abused by a family member,
friend or an ex? Have they ever been to jail or committed a crime?
Opinions:
Many people are very opinionated. Some people feel as though they're never wrong. It's important to
get an idea of what this person's opinions in life are. Some people don't want to be with someone who
doesn't share their same or similiar opinion. What do they believe in? You could ask any number of
questions to get their opinion on anything that's important to you. You could easily ask by saying
"What's your opinion on...." or "Do you believe...".
Expectations / Role:
It's important to talk to a potential spouse/partner or someone you've already chosen as a
spouse/partner about their expectations and their role in both life and your relationship. If you are a
woman do you expect to stay at home with children if you have any or do you expect to go back to work
after having children, do you expect a man to take care of the lawn and fixing anything that's broken, do
you expect the man to take out the trash? If you are a man do expect to be the sole breadwinner and
the sole provider, do you expect the woman to stay at home or work? Some women and men have
preset gender role expectations they should let the other person know about beforehand, to let the
other person know this is what they expect. In any situation it is good to have clear expectations and
roles that are well defined between the two partners.
Compatibility:
Some people are the opposite, yet they stay together and have a good relationship, while others who
are opposite or maybe even the same are just not compatible with one another. Ask yourself do you
generally like this person? Do you feel you are at least somewhat compatible to them? Imagine yourself
with this person for five years, and then ten years down the road, are you still compatible? If you can
see yourself with someone for a lengthened amount of time and you feel very compatible with them,
you have a better chance of sticking it out and having a better relationship than with someone you are
just not that compatible with.
Temperament:
What is this person's temperament like? Are they laid back, impatient, quick to anger, calm or rude?
Temperament is important because in it you can see how people will act in certain situations, like in an
argument or fight. Does this person fight fair or fight dirty? This may be something that is important
to take into account when choosing a spouse/partner.
Future Goals: What kind of goals and aspirations does this person have for their future? Do they have
any? What are their hopes and dreams for the future. If you share in some of their hopes and dreams
then it will be easier for the both of you to get where you want to go and you can serve as
encouragement for each other in getting there.
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COURTING/DATING IN ISLAM
"Dating" as it is currently practiced in much of the world does not exist among Muslims. Young Muslim
men and women (or boys and girls) do not enter into one-on-one intimate relationships, spending time
alone together, "getting to know each other" in a very deep way before deciding whether that's the
person they will marry. Rather, in Islam pre-marital relationships of any kind between members of the
opposite sex is forbidden.
Why?
The choice of a marriage partner is one of the most important decisions a person will make in his or her
lifetime. It should not be taken lightly, nor left to chance or hormones. It should be taken as seriously as
any other major decision in life - with prayer, careful investigation, and family involvement.
A relationship outside the confines of marriage is essentially haram. If you meet someone and there is a
mutual attraction. You do it the right way. He informs your family. You do not get too cozy by
exchanging text messages and calls. You do it the right way. If he is serious, he 'd contact your guardian.
Before making a decision to marry this person, you guys can have conversations in the presence of your
mahram (guardian), not locked up in a room. The guardian doesn't have to sit on the same table with
you; basically your conversation has to be in an open area. This is a very important point and you should
take advantage by finding out as much as you can about your potential spouse.
Ask the tough questions and see how you both get along in conversations. Is he/she comfortable with
your aspirations? What does he look for in a spouse?
WARNING!
It is not permissible for her under any circumstances to be alone with him (khulwah) before marriage. It
is well known that in such meetings the none of them show their true nature, but rather they are on
their best behaviors and trying to make a good impression. Even if they were to be alone or to go out,
they will not show their true character. Many of those who go out with a fianc in this sinful manner end
up in tragedy and these sinful steps, whether they were taken in private or in public, do not bring any
benefits.
Often the fianc will use sweet words and play with the emotions of his fiance when he goes out with
her, and he shows her his best side, but when she makes enquiries about him and tries to find out more
about him, she will discover something entirely different. So going out with him or being alone with him
does not solve the problem. Even if for the sake of argument we were to say that it does serve some
purpose in finding out about the man's character, the resulting sin and possibility of leading to bad
consequences is far greater than that (potential benefit). This is why Islam forbids being alone with a
strange (non-mahram) man and the fianc is still a stranger.
The Prophet said, "Whenever a man is alone with a woman the Devil makes a third." (Sahih Bukhari)
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You can meet multiple times if needed but all in the presence of a guardian; If you have things in
particular that put you off then make sure you ask him/her about it and ask him/her to be honest
because it will lead to problems in future, do not hesitate in this matter even if the Qs are a little
embarrassing ask it in a dignified manner without offending the person.
After this, you make a decision whether you want him as a husband, he also decides whether he wants
you as a wife. When there is an agreement, you start making plans for marriage. "Do not prevent them
from marrying their husbands when they agree between themselves in a lawful manner." [Noble Quran
2:232]
During the whole process you can do Isitikhaara as many times as you want to seek Allahs help in
making the right deisicion and InshaAllah it will be the right one for you for this world & the Hereafter.
Just remember, Marriage is difficult, after all this there is no guarantee it will work; but if you have two
people that believe in and love Allah.. Then no matter what happens you know that the rights of the
other will not be violated.
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'Class3-INTIMACYIN
ISLAM'
After we select a spouse the next step is the Nikah but we will skip the Fiqh of Nikah and its details and
go directly to consummating the marriage as the information on the Fiqh of Nikah and its legal aspects is
easily available to all.
CONSUMMATING THE MARRIAGE
Kindness to the Bride
The husband should be extremely kind to his bride on their first night together, especially if she is a
virgin. He should understand that this night marks the beginning of a totally new life for her. This may
make her nervous and slow in cooperating with him. So, he should not brutally force himself on to her. If
she does not appear to be fully ready on the first night, he should work on easing her
emotions while waiting for the ultimate union between them one or more days later as might be
necessary.
Allah's Messenger (N) was very kind and gentle with 'A'ishah (T) on her first night with him. He gave her
some milk to drink, allowed her young girlfriends to remain with her for a while, and talked to them
jokingly - so as to make her feel at ease.
Asma' Bint Yazid Bin as-Sakan reported that she adorned 'A'ishah for the Prophet and then invited him
in. He came and sat next to her. He was given a large cup of milk. He drank some of it and then gave it to
'A'ishah who shyly lowered her head. Asma' scolded her saying, Do not reject Allah's Messenger's
offer. So she took the cup and drank some, and he then told her, Give your friend.Asma said, "O
Allah's Messenger! First take it back and drink from it, then give it to me with your hand." He took it,
drank from it, and gave it to Asma' who sat down and drank, making sure that her lips were on the spot
where the Prophet drank . Then he pointed to some other women who
were with her and said, Give your friends.They said, We have no desire for
it. He said: Do not combine hunger with lying.
Praying Two Rakahs Together
It is recommended for the newlywed couple to pray two rak'at in jama'ah, with the groom leading the
prayer. This would be a great indication that, from their first night, they meet together on an act of
obedience to Allah (G).
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Invoking Allah's Blessing
After praying the two rak'at together, it is recommended for the husband to make supplications and
invoke Allah's blessings on himself and his bride. 'Abdullah Bin 'Amr (S) reported that Allah's Messenger
(N) said: When one of you acquires a wife, a servant, or a riding animal, he shouldhold her (or it) by
the forehead, invoke Allah's blessing, and say:
"Bismillah, allahumma barik li fiha. A1lahumma inni as'a1uka min khayriha wa-khayri ma jabaltaha
'a1ayh -wa-a'athu bika min sharriha washarri ma jabaltaha 'a1ayh With Allah's name. O Allah, bless
her for me.
O Allah, I ask You to grant me of her / its good, and the good upon which You created her / it; and I
ask You to protect me from her / its evil! and any evil upon which You created her / it." And if it is a
camel (that he acquires), he should hold it by the peak of its hump (and say the same). 5
SUPPLICATION BEFORE INTERCOURSE
Even at the peak of his passion, a believer does not forget his Lord. He remembers that his intercourse
with his wife is a means of fulfilling many noble purposes - not only his lust. One of these noble purposes
is producing a good progeny. Thus, it is important to supplicate to Allah to keep Satan away from him
and his progeny.
Ibn 'Abbas (S) reported that the Messenger (N) said: When one of you wants to approach his wife, if
he says:
"Bismillah, Allahumma jannib nash-Shaytan, wa jannib ish-Shaytana ma razaqtana
With the Name of Allah, O Allah, keep Satan away from us, and keep him away from what You grant
us,"
If it is then decreed that they have a child (from that intercourse), Satan will never harm it.
THE HADITH OF JABIR
Jabir b. Abdillah was the son of a famous warrior, Abdullah b. Haram. Jabir was from the Ansar, and
accepted Islam as a young boy. He was blessed to participate in the Treaty of Aqaba, and lived an
extremely long life. Jabir married young he was probably seventeen when he got married. His marriage
occurred shortly after his father died a martyr in the Battle of Uhud. His story is mentioned in most
books of hadith, including the two Sahihs:
Jabir b. Abdillah reported that once he was on an expedition with the Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa
sallam, and when they were close to the city of Madinah, he sped on his mount. The Prophet salla Allahu
alayhi wa sallam asked him why he was in such a hurry to return home. Jabir replied, I am recently
married! The Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam asked, To an older lady or a younger one? [the
Arabic could also read: To a widow or a virgin?], to which he replied, A widow. The Prophet salla
Allahu alayhi wa sallam said, But why didnt you marry a younger girl, so that you could play with her,
and she could play with you, and you could make her laugh, and she could make you laugh? He said, O
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Messenger of Allah! My father died a martyr at Uhud, leaving behind daughters, so I did not wish to
marry a young girl like them, but rather an older one who could take care of them and look after them.
The Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa salam replied, You have made the correct choice
[hadith to be continued in the following section]
This is part of a much larger hadith, known as the hadith of Jabir. It is a hadith full of benefits, and in
fact separate treatises have been written by our scholars just on this one hadith. Some of the benefits
we can derive from the portion cited above include:
- The frankness of the Prophets salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam question. He is encouraging Jabir to find a
playful wife, and wants the both of them to enjoy each other. This clearly shows that it is one of the
primary goals of a marriage that each party find satisfaction in the other.
- The connotation of being sexually playful is clearly implied, without any direct reference. From this,
and many other references, we see that the Quraan and Sunnah are frank about sexuality, but never
vulgar. This should be our attitude and tone as well.
PART 2
W have above mentioned the famous hadith of Jabir b. Abdillah, in which the Prophet salla Allahu alayhi
wa sallam asked Jabir if he had married a young girl,
so that you can play with her and she can play with you, and you could make her laugh, and she could
make you laugh. The famous commentator of Sahih al-Bukhari, al-Hafidh Ibn Hajr, mentioned that this
hadith also occurs with other wordings as well. In one authentic version, the hadith states, after Jabir
mentioned that he had married an older lady, Why did you turn away from a young girl and her saliva?
Benefits:
- Once again, we are struck with the frankness of the prophetic words. Clearly, the words playfulness
and laughter indicate that what is being encouraged is the couples romance, foreplay, and generally
having fun with one other. It would do us well to contrast this straightforwardness of our Prophet with
the ultra-reserved Muslim culture that we find around us, where love and romance are considered
filthy words that should never be uttered in public!
- This understanding is further reinforced by examining the life of our Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa
sallam. In every sense of the term, he was a loving, caring, gentle, and compassionate husband to his
wives. It is even correct and proper to say that he was romantic with his wives in the most ideal and
noble of ways.
- The variant wording that occurs (which mentions the saliva of a young girl) is explained by Ibn
Hajr and al-Qurtubi as a reference to kissing the lips and licking the tongue. In other words, what
is being referenced is passionate kissing the perfect foreplay!
PART 3
The final phrase of the hadith of Jabir that is relevant to us is:
Jabir said, So when we were about to enter the city, the Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallamsaid to
me, Slow down, and enter at night, so that she who has not combed may comb her hair, and she who
has not shaved may shave her private area. Then he said to me, When you enter upon her, then be
wise and gentle.
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[Reported by al-Bukhari and Muslim].
Benefits:
- The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam did not want Jabir to surprise his wife. At a time when there
were no cell phones or other means of informing the family when a traveler would return, the Prophet
salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam would send a crier into the city, announcing that the caravan was returning.
Hence, he told Jabir to wait for this crier before proceeding into the city.
- We learn that spouses should physically beautify themselves for one another. Combing the hair is but
one way to beautify; anything that increases the beauty and handsomeness of one spouse in front of the
other is something to be encouraged. The Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam told the impatient Jabir
that it was better for him to delay his arrival in order that his wife prepare herself for him.
- The explicit command to shave the pubes is an amazing phrase! We all know that a part of our Islamic
tradition is that one must shave ones pubes; in this hadith, this command is put in the context of the
sexual act. In other words, the husband is told to be patient so that his wife may beautify her private
area in order to increase the aesthetic pleasure and gratification of sex. A husband and wife should
make sure that even around their private areas, they look attractive to each other!
- Again and again, we see the frankness of the prophetic traditions, and the encouragement to enjoy
intimacy in marriage. Contrast this to the ultra-conservative attitudes predominant in many Muslim
cultures. It is as if some Muslims wish to be more strict than the Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam
himself!
PART 4
The concluding part of the hadith of Jabir raises many other benefits, which we continue discussing
below.
Benefits:
- The last phrase of the hadith is translated as then be wise and gentle. The Arabic is fa-l-kayyis al-
kayyis, which is an emphasis on this word. The word kayyis primarily means wisdom, but it also has the
connotation of gentleness. Scholars have understood this phrase to mean that Jabir should approach his
wife in a gentle and wise manner.
- The fact that the Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam is instructing Jabir what to do at this time shows
that he instructed his Ummah even about such personal matters. In one hadith, which deals with the
etiquette of the restroom, the Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam said, I am to you like a father, and I
teach you like a father does [Reported by Abu Dawud]. Since Jabir did not have any older brothers,
and since his father had passed away, the Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam took on this
responsibility, and even advised him about sexual conduct. From this, we may extrapolate that people of
knowledge should likewise not be shy when it comes to
teaching Muslims conjugal etiquette when the need arises..
-What is meant by al-kayyis is that Jabir should act in a wise manner; he has been gone for some time,
and is newly married. Therefore, both parties are missing each other, and it is a sign of wisdom that they
gratify themselves and do not delay this unnecessarily. Also, there is a connotation of gentleness as well;
Jabir should realize that he is a young man, and therefore he should not act in a manner that might be
painful to his wife.
Marital Bliss is a Goal of the Shariah
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Besides the hadith of Jabir which we discussed, there are many other traditions that state the
importance of finding conjugal happiness within the folds of marriage. The Prophet salla Allahu alayhi
wa sallam himself said, From this world, women and perfume have been made beloved to me, but the
coolness of my eyes comes from prayer [al-Bukhari].
In one hadith we learn, This whole world is an enjoyment, and its best enjoyment is a righteous wife
[Muslim]. Another hadith states I advise you to marry young women, for they have sweeter lipsand
are more passionate in their embrace [Reported by Ibn Majah, al-Tabarani, and others, and it is hasan].
And finally, we are advised in the traditions, If one of you approaches his wife, and then wishes to
repeat, let him do wudhu, for it will make the recurrence more energetic [Abu Dawud].
Benefits:
- In all of these hadiths, we see once again the clear encouragement to engage in passionate and
fulfilling intimate relations with ones spouse.
- Even the blessed Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam found comfort in his wives, but the comfort that
prayer and turning to Allah gave him was obviously the most sweet and pure.
- In another hadith, the Companion is told that a woman of his age would be better because her passion
would be more. Better kissing is explicitly mentioned, and more passionate sex is hinted at.
- A righteous wife (and, by analogy, a good husband) is the best enjoyment of this world. Pure, halal,
encouraged enjoyment.
- The frank advice given in the last tradition makes it crystal clear that we should aim to have passionate
sex lives. No less a figure than our beloved Prophet informed us of ways to increase that passion.
Washing oneself after a first act invigorates the body and rejuvenates the soul, and thus helps in
repeating the act again.
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FOREPLAY
Foreplay between the spouses before actually engaging into sexual intercourse is immensely important
(especially for the wife) and a vital ingredient for a happy and prosperous marriage, that which should
never be neglected.
The husband should sexually arouse his wife before having sex. It is indeed selfish on the husbands part
that he fulfils his sexual needs and desires, whilst his wife remains unsatisfied and discontented. Failure
in satisfying the wife can have terrible consequences on ones marriage. Thats why the prophet forbade
sexual intercouse without foreplay, to guarantee and to protect the sexual pleasures and rights of the
wife in bed.
Imam Ibn al-Qayyim (Allah have mercy on him) reports in his famous Tibb al-Nabawi that the
Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) forbade from engaging in sexual intercourse
before foreplay.(See: al-Tibb al-Nabawi, 183, from Jabir ibn Abd Allah)
Islam recognizes a womans need of love, affection and foreplay. Women tend to be more romantic
than men. They like to hear tender words, to be praised, to feel that they are being cared for, to be the
main concern of their husbands and the one to whom he directs his ardent love (thats why the prophet
forbade engaging in sexual intercourse before foreplay). In Islam it is a womens right to be satisfied by
her husband in bed. Islamstresses the importance of mutual sexual satisfaction between marriage
partners in the following quranic verse:
The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) also stated: Every game a person plays is
futile except for archery, training ones horseand playing with ones wife(foreplay and
kissing).(Sunan Tirmidhi, Musnad Ahmad, Sunan Ibn Majah).
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If any of you has sex with his wife let he be true to her. If he attains his pleasure before her then he
shouldn't hurry her away until she also attains her pleasure."(narrated by Anas )
Imam al-Daylami (Allah have mercy on him) records a narration on the authority of Anas ibn Malik (Allah
be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) is reported to have
said: One of you should not fulfil ones (sexual) need from ones wife like an animal, rather there
should be between them foreplay of kissing and words.(Musnad al-Firdaws Of al-Daylami, 2/55)
Kissing:
Kissing ones spouse is also of utmost importance in general. It is a Sunnah of our blessed Messenger of
Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace).
Aisha (Allah be pleased with her) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him
peace) would kiss one of his wives and then leave for prayer (salat) without performing ablution
(wudu). Urwa says that I asked Aisha: It must have been you? (Upon hearing this) Aisha (Allah be
pleased with her) smiled. (Sunan al-Tirmidhi, no. 86, Sunan Abu Dawud, no. 181 & Sunan al-Nasai, no.
170))
Aisha (Allah be pleased with her) says: The Messengerof Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace)
would kiss me before leaving for prayers, and he would not perform an ablution.(Sunan al-Darqutni,
1/49 and others)
The above two narrations indicate the recommendation of kissing ones spouse. They also show the
importance of greeting the wife when entering the house with a kiss and departing with a kiss. This was
the Sunnah of the beloved of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace). Thus, it is inappropriate for
husbands to leave the home in a hurry without even greeting the wife in a proper manner with hugs and
kisses, and then entering the house with the first question on whether the food is cooked or not, or
whether had someone called, etc
Passionate kissing (or French kissing) is also the Sunnah of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give
him peace).
Aisha (Allah be pleased with her) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him
peace) would kiss her whilst he was fasting and he would suck her tongue.(Sunan Abu Dawud, no.
2378)
WHY IS FOREPLAY SO IMPORTANT?
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The most common complaint amongst men is that their wives are not as interested in sexual intimacy as
the men are. And likewise, the most common complaint amongst women is that their husbands are just
interested in sex and only come close to them for one purpose. One of the primary reasons for this
disparity is the issue of sexual arousal.
A mans arousal is like a microwave: it can be turned on instantly. A womans arousal, on the other
hand, is like an oven: it slowly and gradually heats up over time. This is why when a husband approaches
his wife, he is already turned on and aroused. He seeks instant gratification. He mistakenly assumes that
his wife will get aroused as instantaneously as he does, and gets frustrated when she doesnt respond to
him the way that he wants.
Conversely, a woman feels frustrated that her husband wishes her to perform on demand, without her
emotional or physical needs being addressed first.
Men must be more sensitive to a womans needs, and understand that for a woman to start her arousal
oven, she needs to feel loved, cherished, and beautiful. She needs to feel emotionally satisfied,
otherwise she will feel like the man is just taking advantage of the fact that she is his wife and must
obey. The most intimate act of marriage, that of sex, will become a chore for her that she dreads instead
of enjoys. It is a husbands responsibility to make sure that he has addressed the emotional needs of his
wife before he approaches her. The best way a man can do this is through romance, non-sexual touching
and helping her deal with the stresses of daily life.
Men need sex to feel loved and appreciated. When a man approaches his wife, he is showing that he
loves her. This is why when a wife does the act unwillingly, with little excitement, and treats it like a
chore, the man feels rejected.
In turn, women need to understand that romance is something that does not come naturally to men, as
men dont need romance to be aroused or feel loved. Women need to be patient and continually try to
explain this to their partners.
In conclusion, both men and women need to understand the differences in the mechanisms of arousal,
and be sensitive towards each others needs. A man needs to try and be more attentive beforehand as
this is vital for a womans enjoyment. The woman needs to understand that a mans arousal is instant
and for him intimacy equals love, so intimacy needs to be a priority on her list.
MISCELLANEOUS ADAB FOR INTERCOURSE
The following is a list of additional important adab that should be observed when
being intimate or having intercourse with one's spouse.
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1.The man may only have intercourse with his wife in her front entry (vagina). Approaching her from
the back entry is a major sin."Cursed are those who come to their wives in their anuses."[Aboo
Dawood, Ahmad and others with hasan isnaad and is supported].
2.During his wife's menses, a man may not have intercourse with her, but may otherwise enjoy other
parts of her body. Performing intercourse with a menstruating woman is a major sin.
3. A person becomes junub (unclean) in one of two ways:
a. By climaxing and ejaculation, which results from intercourse, wet dreams, foreplay, etc.
b. By performing intercourse - regardless of whether it results in ejaculation or not. Ghusl is obligatory
when the private parts touch each other even if there is no intercourse.
4. A junub person must take a ghusl (bath) before being able to pray. It is further recommended for a
junub to take the ghusl before going to sleep or mentioning Allah. If that is not possible, one should at
least wash his (or her) private parts and perform wudu.
5.When a Muslim man has had sexual intercourse with his wife and
then wishes to do it again, he should first perform wudhuu', based on the
statement of the Prophet : "When one of you comes to his wife and then wishes to
return another time, let him perform wudhuu' between the 2 times (In another version,
the same wudhuu' which he performs for prayer) forverily, it will invigorate his
return."[Muslim, Ibn Abi Shaibah and others].
6. It is permissible for the husband and wife to bath together in the same place even though
he sees her private parts, and she sees his.
On the authority of 'Aa'ishah (radiallahu anha) who said: "I used to bathe with the
Prophet from a single container of water which was placed between us such that our
hands collided inside it. He used to race me such that I would say: `Leave some for me,
leave some for me!' She added: `We were in a state of Janaba (i.e. the state of having
slept together).'"[Al-Bukharee and Muslim].
7. It is strongly prohibited for the two spouses to disclose to others the secrets of what takes place
during their intimacy sessions.
KEY TO AN OUTSTANDING INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP
The act of intimacy is the single most private and personal moment that a husband and wife
share together. A good sexual life helps couples come closer together in love, and allows each
spouse to overlook the more trivial problems in a marriage. Conversely, when bedroom intimacy
suffers, other problems in a marriage are compounded and more tensions develop.
Couples should be aware of the Three Basic Csthat lead to healthy and happy intimacy. These
Cs are:
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1) Confidence. In order to enjoy healthy intimacy, both partners need to be confident in themselves,
and not distracted by insecurities. Most times, such insecurities are self-induced (for
example, a woman might be too conscious of her body and feel that her husband will not find
her attractive). Sometimes, however, they might be induced by a comment made by a spouse
(for example, a husband might be worried about not being able to give his partner what she
wants). Each partner must work to resolve any personal issues so that ones full attention can be
given to the act itself. Until such issues are resolved, the spouse will simply be too self-conscious
and insecure to achieve ultimate happiness in intimacy.
2) Communication. It is inevitable that issues will arise regarding the act of intimacy. Perhaps the
husband is not gentle in some aspect; perhaps the wife wishes a longer foreplay. Whatever the issue is,
the other spouse will not be able to read the mind of the first spouse! Rather, there must be frank
communication if it is desired that the act of intimacy reach its full potential. Such communication must
be based on positive reinforcement rather than negative criticism. It is very easy to bruise a spouses
ego and hurt his or her feelings if one is critical. One should phrase all such suggestions in a positive
manner. Instead of saying, Its really frustrating when you spend so little time kissing me, one can say,
I would really enjoy it more if you spent more time being romantic beforehand. Such positive
reinforcement will far more likely bring out the best in ones spouse.
3) Creativity.No matter how passionate a couple is, after years of marriage, it is likely that even
this intimate act becomes routine. The couple eventually evolve into well-defined habits, and
know exactly what to do and when to do it. Such a routine has the negative aspect of making
intimacy monotonous. And when intimacy becomes monotonous, it ceases to serve the function
that it should. This is where creativity comes into play. Couples should learn to change routines,
vary positions, or alter environments. This is one of the main reasons why taking a vacation with
your spouse is a key factor in spicing up the relationship.
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Class 4 -RIGHTS OF THE
HUSBAND AND WIFE
RIGHTS & OBLIGATIONS OF THE HUSBAND AND WIFE TOWARDS EACH OTHER
Praise be to Allaah.
Islam has enjoined upon the husband duties towards his wife, and vice versa, and among these duties
are some which are shared by both husband and wife.
We will mention by the help of Allaah some of the texts of the Quraan and Sunnah which have to do
with the duties of the spouses towards one another, quoting also from the commentaries and views of the
scholars.
The rights of the wife which are hers alone:
The wife has financial rights over her husband, which are the mahr (dowry), spending and
accommodation.
And she has non-financial rights, such as fair division between co-wives, being treated in a decent and
reasonable manner, and not being treated in a harmful way by her husband.
1. Financi al rights
(a) The mahr (dowry).
This is the money to which the wife is entitled from her husband when the marriage contract is completed
or when the marriage is consummated. It is a right which the man is obliged to pay to the woman. Allaah
says (interpretation of the meaning):
And give to the women (whom you marry) their Mahr (obligatory bridal-money given by the husband to
his wife at the time of marriage) with a good heart [al-Nisaa 4:4]
The prescription of the mahr demonstrates the seriousness and importance of the marriage-contract, and
is a token of respect and honour to the woman.
(b) Spending.
The scholars of Islam are agreed that it is obligatory for husbands to spend on their wives, on the
condition that the wife make herself available to her husband. If she refuses him or rebels, then she is not
entitled to that spending.
The reason why it is obligatory to spend on her is that the woman is available only to her husband,
because of the marriage contract, and she is not allowed to leave the marital home except with his
permission. So he has to spend on her and provide for her, and this is in return for her making herself
available to him for his pleasure.
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What is meant by spending is providing what the wife needs of food and accommodation. She has the
right to these things even if she is rich, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
but the father of the child shall bear the cost of the mothers food and clothing on a reasonable basis [al-
Baqarah 2:233]
Let the rich man spend according to his means; and the man whose resources are restricted, let him
spend according to what Allaah has given him [al-Talaaq 65:7]
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to Hind bint Utbah the wife of Abu
Sufyaan who had complained that he did not spend on her: Take what is sufficient for you and your
children, on a reasonable basis.
It was narrated from Jaabir that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
said in his Farewell Sermon:
Fear Allah concerning women! Verily you have taken them on the security of Allah, and intercourse with
them has been made lawful unto you by words of Allah. You too have rights over them, and that they
should not allow anyone to sit on your bed [i.e., not let them into the house] whom you do not like. But if
they do that, you can chastise them but not severely. Their rights upon you are that you should provide
them with food and clothing in a fitting manner (Narrated by Muslim, 1218)
(c) Accommodation
This is also one of the wifes rights, which means that her husband should prepare for her
accommodation according to his means and ability. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
Lodge them (the divorced women) where you dwell, according to your means [al-Talaaq 65:6]
2. Non-financial rights
(i) Fair treatment of co-wives.
One of the rights that a wife has over her husband is that she and her co-wives should be treated equally,
if the husband has other wives, with regard to nights spent with them, spending and clothing.
(ii) Kind treatment.
The husband must have a good attitude towards his wife and be kind to her, and offer her everything that
may soften her heart towards him, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
and live with them honourably [al-Nisaa 4:19]
And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their
husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable [al-Baqarah 2:228]
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: Be kind to
women.(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 3153; Muslim, 1468).
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) spoke beautiful word concerning kind treatment
of ones wife, stating that when the husband feeds his wife and puts a morsel of food in her mouth, he
earns the reward of doing an act of charity. He said, You never spend anything but you will be rewarded
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for it, even the morsel of food that you lift to your wifes mouth. Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 6352; Muslim,
1628.
There follow examples of the kind treatment of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
towards his wives for he is the best example:
1. Umm Salamah said: I got my menses when I was lying with the Prophet (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) under a single woollen sheet. I slipped away and put on the clothes I usually wore for
menstruation. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to me, Have
you got your menses? I said, Yes. Then he called me and made me lie with him under the same sheet.
She said: And she told me that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to kiss her
when he was fasting, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and I used to do
ghusl to cleanse ourselves from janaabah from one vessel.(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 316; Muslim, 296)
2. Aaishah said: By Allaah, I saw the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him) standing at the door of my apartment when the Abyssinians were playing with their spears in the
Mosque of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). He covered me with his
cloak so that I could watch their games, then he stood there for my sake until I was the one who had had
enough. So you should appreciate the fact that young girls like to have fun. (Narrated by al-Bukhaari,
443; Muslim, 892)
3. It was narrated from Aaishah the Mother of the Believers (may Allaah be pleased with her) that the
Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to pray the night prayer and when
he had finished his prayer, he would look, and if I was awake he would talk with me, and if I was asleep
he would lie down. (al-Bukhaari)
(c) Not harming ones wife.
This is one of the basic principles of Islam. Because harming others is haraam in the case of strangers, it
is even more so in the case of harming ones wife.
It was narrated from Ubaadah ibn al-Saamit that the Messenger of Allaah(peace and blessings of Allaah
be upon him) ruled, There should be no harming nor reciprocating harm. (Narrated by Ibn Maajah,,
2340)
Note:
If a woman rebels against her husband and disobeys his commands, then he should follow this method of
First, admonishing her,
Second, forsaking her in bed,
And ONLY thn hitting her, dont just start beating without warning thats not what Islam allows.
And also Hitting is subject to the condition that it should not be harsh or cause injury. Al-Hasan al-Basri
said: this means that it should not cause pain.
Ata said: I said to Ibn Abbaas, what is the kind of hitting that is not harsh? He said, Hitting with a siwaak
and the like. [A siwaak is a small stick or twig used for cleaning the teeth - Translator]
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The purpose behind this is not to hurt or humiliate the woman, rather it is intended to make her realize
that she has transgressed against her husbands rights, and that her husband has the right to set her
straight and discipline her.
The husbands rights over his wife.
The rights of the husband over his wife are among the greatest rights; indeed his rights over her are
greater than her rights over him, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their
husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree
(of responsibility) over them [al-Baqarah 2:228]
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These rights include:
(a) The obligation of obedience.
Allaah has made the man a qawwaam (protector and maintainer) of the woman by commanding, directing
and taking care of her, just as guardians take care of their charges, by virtue of the physical and mental
faculties that Allaah has given only to men and the financial obligations that He has enjoined upon them.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the
other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means [al-Nisaa 4:34]
Ali ibn Abi Talhah said, narrating from Ibn Abbaas: Men are the protectors and maintainers of women
means, they are in charge of them, i.e., she should obey him in matters of obedience that Allaah has
enjoined upon her, and obey him by treating his family well and taking care of his wealth. This was the
view of Muqaatil, al-Saddi and al-Dahhaak.(Tafseer Ibn Katheer, 1/492)
(b) Making herself available to her husband.
One of the rights that the husband has over his wife is that he should be able to enjoy her (physically). If
he marries a woman and she is able to have intercourse, she is obliged to submit herself to him according
to the contract, if he asks her. That is after he gives her the immediate mahr, and gives her some time
two or three days, if she asks for that to sort herself out, because that is something that she needs, and
because that is not too long and is customary.
If a wife refuses to respond to her husbands request for intercourse, she has done something haraam
and has committed a major sin, unless she has a valid shari excuse such as menses, obligatory fasting,
sickness, etc.
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: When a man calls his wife
to his bed and she refuses, and he went to sleep angry with her, the angels will curse her until morning.
(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 3065; Muslim, 1436)
(c) Not admitting anyone whom the husband dislikes.
One of the rights that the husband has over his wife is that she should not permit anyone whom he
dislikes to enter his house.
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: It is not permitted for a
woman to fast when her husband is present without his permission, or to admit anyone into his house
without his permission. And whatever she spends (in charity) of his wealth without his consent, .
(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4899; Muslim, 1026)
(d) Not going out of the house except with the husbands permission.
One of the rights of the husband over his wife is that she should not go out of the house except with his
permission.
(e) Discipline.
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The husband has the right to discipline his wife if she disobeys him in something good, not if she
disobeys him in something sinful, because Allaah has enjoined disciplining women by forsaking them in
bed and by hitting them, when they do not obey.
The evidence that it is permissible to discipline one's wife includes the aayahs (interpretation of the
meaning):
As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their
beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful) [al-Nisaa 4:34]
O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and
stones [al-Tahreem 66:6]
Ibn Katheer said:
Qutaadah said: you should command them to obey Allaah, and forbid them to disobey Allaah; you should
be in charge of them in accordance with the command of Allaah, and instruct them to follow the
commands of Allaah, and help them to do so. If you see any act of disobedience towards Allaah, then
stop them from doing it and rebuke them for that.
This was also the view of al-Dahhaak and Muqaatil: that the duty of the Muslim is to teach his family,
including his relatives and his slaves, that which Allaah has enjoined upon them and that which He has
forbidden them. (Tafseer Ibn Katheer, 4/392)
(f) The wife serving her husband.
There is a great deal of evidence (daleel) for this, some of which has been mentioned above.
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah said: She is obliged to serve her husband according to what is reasonable
among people of similar standing. That varies according to circumstances: the way in which a Bedouin
woman serves (her husband) will not be like the way of a town-dweller, and the way of a strong woman
will not be like the way of a weak woman. (al-Fataawa al-Kubraa, 4/561)
(g) Submitting herself to him.
Once the conditions of the marriage-contract have been fulfilled and it is valid, then the woman is obliged
to submit herself to her husband and allow him to enjoy her (physically), because once the contract is
completed, he is allowed in return to enjoy her, and the wife is entitled to the compensation which is the
mahr.
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Class5-'TheProphet
S.A.Wasahusband'
THE PROHPET S.A.W. AS A HUSBAND
How was the Prophet Treating his Wives?
All of us wonder about the way the Messenger (PBUH) was with his wives. How he dealt with them? How
he treated them equally?
The Prophet (PBUH) accomplished the happiness to every one of them; that is because he knew how to
deal with women and he penetrated deeply into her sensitive soul and went on apostrophizing her with
the warmth of passion and assisted her to work for her religion and her life.
And what about his wives-the Mothers of all believers -? If we searched to know about their lives, we will
find that most of the books describe the Prophets wives with a common quality; fasting a lot and
spending their nights praying. So they were privileged with their nearness from Allah and in
apostrophizing him all night , thats why they deserved this great honor ,they deserved to be the Mothers
of all believers, wives of the beloved Prophet(PBUH) in this life and in the hereafter.
Pampering his Wives and Treating them Kindly
We all read about the life of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) in the fields of education, faith, politics, war, or
economy but seldom was written or published about his life (PBUH) inside his house and his relationship
with his wives.
Calling ones wife with the name she loves the most or with a nickname is one of the forms of pampering
and being kind to ones wife. This can be seen in the life of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) who, in a
Hadith that is agreed upon by scholars, used to say to his wife Aisha: O Aish, this is Gabriel saying
peace be upon you, I replied, and may peace and Allahs Mercy and Blessings be upon him. You see
what I dont (She meant the messenger of Allah (PBUH)
He also used to call Aisha: (Homayraa) a short form of (Hamraa) which, according to Ibn Kathir, means
the white skinned woman. Aldhahabi also said that Hamraa in the language of the people of Hegaz
means white and blushing-a rare feature among them. So Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) used to treat
Aisha kindly and call her with lovely names.
From the prophetic traditions Aisha narrated about fasting, Imam Muslim reported that she said: The
messenger of Allah (PBUH) used to kiss one of his wives while fasting, and then she laughs, may Allah
be pleased with her.
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In another prophetic tradition narrated by Aisha, she said that Muhammad (PBUH) said that the best of
the believers is the one who is best in manners and kindest to his own wife.
One of the forms of cuddling and well treating ones wife is feeding her with ones own hands. Prophet
Muhammad (PBUH) said: Whatever you spend is considered charity even the mouthful that you put in
your wifes mouth.
Cuddling and being kind to ones wife has a tremendous emotional effect on her. This action of following
the example of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) costs a man nothing and grants him Allahs reward, his
wifes love and cooperation. Therefore a man is commanded to cuddle and treat his wife kindly.
A mans nature dictates on him certain way of expressing his feelings and it is different from a womans. A
woman expresses her love with words like, I love you, I miss you, I need you, etc. On the other hand, a
man expresses love in action and production and seldom with words. If a man wants to tell his wife that
he loves her he buys her something she wants or brings some food and drinks or furniture to the house.
According to a man, this is a form of love expression.
The generous Prophet has indeed overcome this negative trait in the nature of men. He used to describe
his love and passion verbally for Aisha, may Allah be pleased with her, treated her kindly, pampered her,
and let his wives hear what they wished for from their beloved husband and this is a significant aspect in
a man and wifes relationship. Ibn Assaker narrated on the authority of Aisha, May Allah be pleased with
her, that she said that the Prophet (PBUH) told her: Wont you be pleased to be my wife in this life and in
the hereafter?, I said: Yes, he said: You are my wife in this life and the hereafter.
Imagine Aishas emotions having heard the words that guaranteed her security, love, and peace in this
life and in the hereafter.
Some writers demonstrate the respect of the West to women by giving examples like a husband opening
a cars door to his wife. Although this apparently is respect, yet, a mature person can see many aspects
in which a woman is being offended and disrespected in the West.
Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is our example in this. One time during his stay alone in adoration of Allah in
the last ten days of Ramadan (observing Itikaf), his wife Safeya came to visit him and spoke with him for
some time, then went to the door. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) led her to the door to say goodbye. In
another narration, he told her: Do not hurry to leave till I come with you. Her house was at Ussamas
and he (PBUH) left with her. Respect is the source of continual love and stability in a family. Therefore we
wish that it prevail between a man and his wife.
If spouses treated each other in such way, a marriage would definitely be beautiful.
The Prophets Way of Applying Love
To apply love between couples you need to be an inventor, a creative woman like Aisha. Safeya (May
Allah be pleased with her) asked Aisha one day to try to let the Prophet excuse her because he was
angry with her because of some matter and she will give Aisha her day. Aisha wore a long saffron
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colored veil after and spread water on it to make it smell well. She went to the Prophet and sat beside him
but he said: Aisha , go now it is not your day. She said: Its the favor of Allah being given to whom he
want and she told him the story.
A woman asked Aisha about henna. She replied: My beloved (PBUH) loved its color and hated its
smell. Notice how she used the love language in describing the Prophets opinion.
From the Prophets side, he has also his ways in applying love.
Aisha was asked about the first thing the Prophet was making when entering his home. She replied: he
was using siwak (arak stick for tooth cleaning).Narrated by Muslim
Some scholars said that the Prophet did that to kiss his wives when arriving home.
Al Bukhari narrated: Aisha said that she was perfuming her husband; his head and beard. She was also
combing the Prophets hair even if she was menstruating.
Now some of men dont beautify themselves for their wives besides the bad smell of smoking persons.
Some dont care for their bodies and armpits smell, clothes, hairs, and nails. They neglect
embellishments towards their women.
Women have rights to see and smell all good from their husbands. Follow the Prophets example in that
matter and you will see how these things increases love between husbands and wives.
Ibn Abbas said that he was beautifying himself for his wife because it is her right to see him in his best
conditions as he likes the same from her.
Allah Almighty said: And they (women) have rights (over their husbands) similar (to those of their
husbands) over them to what is reasonable (Al Bakara: 228) Learn the ways of increasing love between
you and your wifeFollow the example of the Prophet and his companions May Allah be pleased with
them.
Apply what you like to see from your wife upon yourself to strengthen all love relationships and live a
happy life.
The Prophets Good Companionship
The most things that specify the Prophets morals with his wives were his good companionship,
cheerfulness, joking with his family, laughing with his wives, mildness, and generosity.
Even when he was racing with Aisha mother of the believers, May Allah be pleased with her - in the
desert in one of his trips, it was to show love to her by that. She said that the Prophet of Allah (PBUH)
raced me and I won, that was before I gained some weight. Then I raced him after that and he won. He
said: we are equal.
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Furthermore, The Prophet (PBUH) put the criterion of the best of men in the good treatment of men to
their wives. He said: the best one of you is the best to his family, and I am the best one of you to my
family.
Narrated by At-Tirmithy
That is because artificiality and pretension of high moral standards becomes weak when the person feels
that he has authority and power, and becomes weaker when he stays a long time with whom he has
authority upon. If the person keeps on his moral perfection in a society he has power upon and has
continuous intimacy with, so this is the best person in morals.
If the Prophet (PBUH) is the best one for his family, so his companionship with them must be really
perfect, in all what goodness means of moral perfection in behavior, love, justice, mercy, loyalty, and all
what marital life demands. this was indicated in the honorable Sunnah in many of the Prophets sayings
regarding his behavior with his family and his treatment to them.
A- About the Prophets love to them (his wives) Anas Bin Malek may Allah be pleased with- says:
1. The Prophet of Allah (PBUH) said: the things that were rendered beloved to me in this life are;
women, perfume, and my tranquility is in prayers. Narrated by Ahmed and others.
2. Amr Bin al Aas May Allah be pleased with_ asked the Prophet: O Prophet of Allah who is the
person you love most? the Prophet replied: Aisha. Amr said: And from men, he said: her
father, I said Then who? He said Umar, and he named other men, so I kept silent fearing to be
the last one. Narrated by At-Tirmithiy
B- About the Prophets playing with his family, Aisha may Allah be pleased with- says:
1. I used to play with dolls at the house of the prophet (PBUH) and my friends used to come and
play with me and when he (PBUH) arrives, they leave, so he let them come in to play with me
again. Narrated by Al-Bukhari.
2. Aisha -May Allah be pleased with her- said: the prophet of Allah (PBUH) was standing at the
door of my room covering me with his rope so I can watch the Abyssinians playing in the
mosque. He was very much concerned of Aishas young age who was keen on having
amusement.
3. An example of his good companionship and the nobility of his morals: Aisha- May Allah be
pleased with her - said: when I drank while I was menstruating, and then give the cup to the
Prophet (PBUH), he used to put his mouth where I put mine to drink. Narrated by Muslim
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The Patience of the Prophet(PBUH) with his Wives
Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)is the ultimate human example on being patient with one's wife(s). In spite
ofhis highness at Allah's sight and at people's, it has never been heard of a man who had more patience
with his wife(s).
It was reported that Umar Bin AlKhattab may Allah be pleased with him said: "we-the tribe of Quraish-
usedto overpower our wives. When we were encountered by al Ansar we found out thatthe women
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overpowered the men. So our wives started to learn from al ansars'women their ethics. So, once i
vociferated to my wife and she disagreed withme, but i disapproved her disagreement. She said: why do
you disapprove? ByAllah, the wives of the Prophet (pbuh) sometimes disagree with him andabandoned
him for a whole day. Umar was dismayed and told her that whoeverdid this did it to her loss. Then he
went to Hafsah and toldher: o Hafsah, do any of you stay angry with the Prophet (pbuh) a whole day?She
said: "yes. He said: "you are in loss, dont you fear Allahsanger because of the Prophets, so that you will
be doomed?. Al Bukhari
Moreover, in such situations he used totreat them kindly. aisha, may Allah be pleased with her, said:
"ProphetMuhammad (pbuh) told me: "i can tell when you are pleased with me and whenyou are not. I
said: "how can you tell?" he said: "if you arepleased with me you swear saying: "no, by Muhammad's lord"
and if youare not, you swear saying: "no, by Abraham's lord."" she said:"yes by Allah, Prophet of Allah. I
can only abandon your name."
The Prophet' s Dealing Justly with his Wives
Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.) dealt justly with his wives. He loved them and showedhis feelings towards
them. He was also patient and loyal with them. His actionswere arising from sense of responsibility and
because Allah the almightycreated him righteous and equitable by nature.
A'isha (may Allah be pleased withher) said that the Prophet of Allah (S.A.W.) never preferred onewife
over another and he used to see all of them in their homes everyday eventhough he spent the night with
one only.
Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.) treated his wives equally even during his last days when he was veryill. He
used to go to each of his wives in her turn. A'isha (may Allah bepleased with her) said that when the
Prophet (S.A.W.) became verysick he asked his wives for permission to be nursed at my house.
Naturally,they agreed. He stayed with A'isha until he died and he died in herarms.
The Prophet Urged Men to Keepa Good Company with their Wives
Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.) has guided his people to keep good company with theirwives by word and
deed.
1- Bukhary & Muslimnarrated that Abu Huraira may Allah be pleased with him reported that Prophet
Muhammad (S.A.W.) said: "treat women kindly,they were created from a rib, and the most crooked part of
the rib is thehighest part thereof; so, if you tried to rectify the rib it will be broken andif you left the rib as it
is, it will remain crooked, and women are like this;therefore treat them kindly".
There is another narration tothe same tradition by Muslim stated: "women have been created from a
rib.She will never be straightened up in the way you wish. If you enjoyed hercompanionship, then do it
with that crookedness, as if you tried to rectify hershe will be broken and breaking her means divorcing
her.".
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2- Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W.) repeated this commandment in several occasions. Inhis last pilgrimage
(Hajj al wadda), our Prophet (S.A.W.) devoted an essential part of his great sermon to this
commandment and said: "treat women kindly, they are captives in your houses, you have no way except
to treatthem kindly unless they commit a clear-cut abomination, in which case, desert them in the bed, if
not feasible, strike them gently but do not cause them anyharm, thereafter, if they obeyed you, do not
wrong them. You have a right on yourwives and your wives have a right on you; your right on them is that
they should keep your honor and do not allow any person to enter your houses if youdo not like them to
enter, and their right on you is to treat them kindly andprovide them with clothing and food". (Narrated by
Muslim).
3- "The faithful husband should nothate his faithful wife, because if he hates certain manner in her
character,then he should not forget the other good manners in her character." Narrated by Muslim.
4- The prophet (S.A.W.) said also: "anything not involving the extolment of Allah is vanityor negligence
except four things: exercising shooting, training the horse,playing with his family and learning swimming".
Narrated by al-Nasa'i.
Muhammad (S.A.W.) disciplined hi s wives if it was necessary
True, the prophet (S.A.W.) was all the time treating his wives mothers of the believers, mayAllah be
pleased with them kindly and compassionately but this was not the caseall the times; because the
Prophet (S.A.W.) was wise &prudent, and was taking the right action at the right circumstances;
therefore,if the kind treatment was feasible and useful, then he will never hesitate totreat them kindly, but
if discipline, prevention and desertion were moreappropriate, then he will apply it.
When the wives of the prophet (S.A.W.) asked him for spending on them more than the normal limits
andwanted to enjoy more pleasures and delights in this transitory life beyond whatthe prophet (S.A.W.)
determined and elected to himself, hedeserted them for one month until Allah almighty revealed this
verse on him: {o you prophet, say to your spouses, "in case you would (like) the presentlife (literally: the
lowly life, i.e., the life of this world) and itsadornment, then come, and i will allow you (the necessary)
enjoyment and willrelease you a becoming release and in case you would (like) Allah and
hismessenger and the last home, then surely Allah has prepared for the fair-doersamong you a
magnificent reward} (al-Ahzab: 28-29)
Therefore, the Prophet (S.A.W.) gave them the choice either to stay with him with the minimumnecessary
to support living or separation; so, they elected to obey Allahalmighty and his Prophet S.A.W.
The Prophets Emotions toward his Wives
Looking attentively to the biography of the Prophet (S.A.W.) you will find that he was the best example or
the ideal manners towards thewife. He was comforting his wives, wiping their tears, respecting
theiremotions, hearing their words, caring for their complaints, alleviating their sadness, going in picnics
with them, racing with them, bearing their abandonment, discussing matters with them, keeping their
dignity, supporting them inemergencies, declaring his love to them and was very happy with such love.
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Understanding their Jeal ousy & Love
Um Salama May Allah be pleased with her narrated: she brought food in a dish of her own to the
Prophet (S.A.W.) and his companions. Seeing that, Aisha came holding a tool and broke the dish out
of jealousy. Understanding the situation, the Prophet took the two halves ofthe dish and said to his
companions: Eat your food, it is just the jealousy ofyour mother, then the Prophet took the dish of Aisha
and gave it to Um Salamaand gave the dish of Um Salama to Aisha. (Sahih Al-Nasai)
Complaining to them & consulting them
The Prophet (S.A.W.) has consulted hiswives in the most delicate and important matters such as
consulting his wife UmSalama May Allah be pleased with her in Al-Hudaibia Treaty. The Prophet
(S.A.W.) has written the treaty between him and the polytheists of Quraish in Al-Hudaibia region, in the
Hudaibia year and told his companions: Go to make immolation andshave, but no one responded. The
Prophet (S.A.W.) repeated thatthree times but still no one responded to him. Then the Prophet (S.A.W.)
went to Um Salama and told her about the matter. Hearing that, Um Salamsaid: O Prophet of Allah, just
go and dont speak to any one until you makeyour immolation and shave. The Prophet (S.A.W.) went out
and didnot speak to any one until he did the same. Seeing that, the companions stoodand make their
immolation and began shaving for each other to the degree thatsome of them was about to kill the other
out of their grief.
Narrated by: Um Salama Hind Bint Abi Umayiah TafsirAl-Tabari
Demonstrating hi s Love & Loyalty to them
The Prophet (S.A.W.) told Aisha in thelong tradition of Um Zara narrated by Al-Bukhari: I am in my love
and loyaltyto you just like Abu Zara and Um Zara , Aisha replied: You are dearer tome more than my
father and mother, you are even more loyal and loving than AbuZara to Um Zara. Al-Bukhari
Eating & drinking with them
Aisha May Allah be pleased with her said: When Idrink water from the pot while in menstruation
period and give the pot to theProphet (S.A.W.) he drinks from the same place which touched mymouth,
moreover, during menstruation, I was eating from the piece of meat andgiving the same to the Prophet
Peace be upon him and the Prophet puts hismouth in the same place of mine. (Muslim)
Leaning & Sleeping in their Laps
Aisha May Allah be pleased with her said: theProphet (S.A.W.) used to lean on my lap while I am
menstruatingand read Quran. (Al-Bukhari)
Helping them in the Household Duties
Aisha May Allah be pleased with her was askedabout the manners of the Prophet in his home? She
replied: He was helping indoing the family duties and when he hears the call of prayers he goes out. Al-
Bukhari
In another narration she said: He used to wash his clothes, milk hisewe, and serve himself.
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She said also: he used to sew up his clothes, cleanhis shoes, and do what men generally do in their
homes.
Tolerating for their Happiness
Aisha narrated that Abu Bakr May Allah be pleasedwith them entered to her home while two young
girls were striking on thetambourine and signing ,and the Prophet (S.A.W.) was laying andcovering
himself with his clothes. Seeing him, the Prophet uncovered his faceand told him: O Abu Bakr let them
continue, it is Eid days (festival). The saiddays were Mina Days and the Prophet (S.A.W.) was in Medina.
(An-Nasai)
Treat them fairly while Angry
Once, Aisha was angry with the Prophet (S.A.W.) So, he told her: Do you accept Abu Ubaida Bin Al-
Jarrah as a judgebetween us? She replied: No, this man will not issue a judgment against you inmy favor.
He said: Do you accept Omar as a judge? She replied: I fear Omar. He said: Do you accept Abu Bakr
(her father)? She replied: Yes I accept him.
The Prophet (S.A.W.) was putting his handon the shoulder of his wife when she is angry and saying: O
Allah, forgiveher sins, relieve her heart from rage and protect her from distress.
Praising & thanking them
The Prophet (S.A.W.) said: The rank ofAisha to the other women is like the rank of the porridge to the
other foods. (Muslim)
Feeling Pleased when they are Glad
Aisha May Allah be pleased with her said: Once,the Prophet (S.A.W.) came from a battle and there
was a cover formy dolls in my room. The wind uncovered the dolls. Seeing that, the prophetsaid: What is
this? She replied: my daughters. He said: What is the thingbetween them? She replied: it is a horse. He
said: What is this thing on the horse? She replied:they are two wings. He said: A horse with two wings!!
She replied: didnt youhear that Sulaiman bin Dawood (A.S.) was having horses withwings? The Prophet
then laughed until his molars appeared.
Keeping Their Privacy
The worst rank for a man at the day of judgment isthe rank of the man who sleeps with his wife and then
discloses her privacy. (Muslim)
Refraining from Beating or abusingthem
The Prophet (S.A.W.) had never beatenany woman, any servant or anything with his hand other than
fighting in the wayof Allah Almighty. He does not take revenge from anyone harmed him except
whenbreaching the orders of Allah Almighty, at which case, he takes revenge.
(Muslim)
Consoling & Wiping their Tears
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Safeyah May Allah be pleased with her wastraveling with the Prophet (S.A.W.) and it was then her
turn totravel with him. She was slow in walking. The Prophet (S.A.W.) received her while crying and
saying: You gave me a slow camel. Seeing that, The Prophet (S.A.W.) wiped her eyes with his hands and
consoled her. (Narrated by An-Nasai)
Accompanying her in Travel
The Prophet (S.A.W.) was casting lotsbetween his wives when he wants to travel then he takes the one
who wins thelot. He cast a lot between us in one of his battles and it was me who won it;therefore, I went
with the Prophet (S.A.W.) after the revelation of Al-Hijab (veil) verse. (Al-Bukhari)
Spreading Happiness in his House
Aisha May Allah be pleased with her narrated: Once, Sawda visitedus and the Prophet (S.A.W.) sat
down between me and her, one legin her lap and the other in mine. I made then Khazira (food) and told
her: Eat! She refused. I said: If you dont eat I will stain your face with Khazira butshe insisted not to eat;
therefore, I put my hand in Khazira and painted herface. Seeing that, the Prophet peace be upon him
laughed and gave his sharein Khzaira to Sawda and told her stain her face; so, Swada stained my face
andthe Prophet (S.A.W.) laughed. Then Omar May Allah be pleasedwith him passed by and called :
O Abdullah, O Abdullah. The Prophet (S.A.W.) thought that he will enter so he said to us: Go wash your
faces.
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Class 6 - 'The Five Languages
of Love'
THE FIVE LANGUAGES OF LOVE
Love however, even from the Shariàh perspective, is a complex attachment. And because we do not
know how to really show love we end up entering relationships with a limp.
Islam adds an element of jihad (personal effort) to love and provides masses of information on the types
of love. In the Arabic language alone there are more than 70 words for love and its effects.
Marriage and family life expert Dr. Gary Chapman explains that each one of us speaks one or more of
five different languages of love. The "Love Languages", he says, refer to how we perceive that we are
loved by the people around us.
Chapman categorizes the five languages into:
1. Positive affirmations
2. Quality time
3. Gifts
4. Services, and
5. Touch.
He explains that every person speaks one dominant language, but also speaks one or two other
languages of love at the same time. Tuning into one's spouse, and understanding their needs would be
more effective when one is able to identify each person's love language. Imagine, two people who are
speaking different languages to one another say, Chinese and Swahili. Even though one of them might
be saying I love you in her language, the other person simply has no clue that this is a message of love.
They are not communicating in the same wavelength.
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1. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
When you open your mouth to speak, you're spilling the things that are in your heart. In Islam this is a
strong concept; " every container will only pour out what is in it" . A verbal expression of love is when you
say statements that clearly indicate your compassion. You go out of your way to say something kind, not
a constructive criticism, and a bit more than just a how are you?
We all like to hear an encouraging word but some people need that "I love you" on a daily basis. Science
tells us we should be saying this regularly to stay healthy. This doesn't necessarily mean that your partner
has low self-esteem, or that one gender is emotionally weaker. Words of affirmation are pleasing after a
difficult task, they develop our self-image and worth. Remember, such words are the easiest in a
relationship and easy to help love grow.
Prophetic Words Of Love
ULTIMATE FAVOURITES: An authentic hadith describes the depth of Prophet Muhammad's love for his
wife, which Muslim men need to know. Amr ibn al-As (ra) asked the Prophet, peace be upon him, "Who
do you love the most?" Thinking that he would be named, Prophet Muhammad replied in unusual honesty
"Àisha!" Any modern man who dared mention his feelings for his wife would feel like a pansy. We need
to change our outlook because such love is chivalrous.
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Amr (ra) rephrased his question, "Who do you love the most from amongst all the men?" This time the
Prophet replied, "her father". Abu Bakr as-saddiq was Àisha's father so Prophet Muhammad's still linked
his love to his wife. He seemed to say, let the whole world know, I love my wife more than anything. And if
this is his love in public, what of it in private?
MORE THAN ABU ZARA: Another authentic hadith from Àisha, Ummi Zara (the mother of Zara)
describing how her husband, Abu Zara, treated her like a princess, she was his number one. Despite this
bond, Ummi Zara was divorced and remarried to a richer man. While this second husband was still kind,
his treatment paled when compared to Abu Zara.The Prophet, peace be upon him, heard the tale from
Àisha (ra) and said to her, "I am to you, like Abu Zara is to Ummi Zara - except that I would never divorce
you". Àisha (ra) replied, "You are better to me (in treatment) than Abu Zara to Ummi Zara."
This prophetic case of verbally expressing love strengthens a marriage. It makes it "tight". Saying to your
wife or husband, "you mean the world to me", actually means the world to them. The Prophet, peace be
upon him, gave his wife a sweet nickname, a qunya: Àish and frequently talked about
her taqwah (devoutness to Allah) amongst his companions.
How To Speak Love
Actions dont always speak louder than words. Even the smallest of phrases mean a lot, "jazak'Allah", "I
appreciate you", "you look amazing", "I'm proud of you". By verbalising your feelings of gratitude or
concern, you create the best motivation which means your spouse will in turn reciprocate extra special
love. Just for you.
Husband Talk 101
As a husband (or husband-to-be), you're going to find yourself in pressurising situations. You've spent a
week on night-shifts and you come home to your wife's not-that-great microwave meal. What do you say?
What DO you say?
"Why can't you ever cook a decent meal, didn't your mother teach you anything?"
Although you're tired and you expected a delicious meal lovingly made, your choice of words show you're
a rude, critical and unthoughtful man. You don't know how her day's been at work, home, with the
children. Control what you're saying and flip your criticism to get what you want (below).
"I miss the biryani you make, my love".
Remind your wife of the good she does for you and watch how it ignites a greater response the next time
you meet. Couple the compliment with a physical touch. Generously punctuate requests with sweet
words.
Wife Talk 101
Women are a little more complicated and can expect our men to naturally know what we're thinking.
Nonetheless, the rules are the same. Speak good, or stay silent! Don't complain, refrain and turn your
criticism into an opportunity. For example, you're husband's rarely at home... You could say:
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"Why are you always with your friends! Don't you love me?"
By using that annoying word 'always' you side-sweep months and years of your husband's dedication.
Instead of getting his attention you push him further away. This feels like an attack, an insult
"I miss when you spend time with me. It's been a while, let's go out!"
Open by saying you love him! Act like the martyr, say you can't do without him. Show the positive side of
how you miss him and why you want him home - because HE brings something wonderful to YOU. Give
him an opportunity to create a path of peace.
2. QUALITY TIME
Quality time is more than mere proximity. It's about focusing all your energy on your partner. A husband
watching sports while talking to his wife is NOT quality time. In the vernacular of quality time, nothing
says, I love you, like really being there with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and
children on standby. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
Quality conversation is also very important for healthy relationships. It involves sharing experiences,
thoughts and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. A good partner will not only listen, but offer
advice and respond to assure their partner that they are really listening. Husbands and wives don't expect
their partners to solve their problems. Sometimes they just need a sympathetic listener.
Quality activities are a very important ingredient to quality time. Spending physical time together, sharing
hobbies and events that you love to do together, bring a couple closer, and, in the years to come, fill up a
memory bank, insha-Allah, God willing.
Note: An important aspect of quality conversation is "self-revelation". You need to be in tune with your
inner emotions and feelings to be able to share quality conversation and quality time with your
husband/wife.
What Would Prophet Muhammad Do?
VISIT THEM: Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, visited each wife every single day, spending
quality time with them after the àsr prayer (afternoon). Today, tsk, we're too busy, and we only have the
one wife, husband...
TALK TO THEM: A particular hadith briefly mentions the Prophet's habit of talking with Àisha (ra) after
the ìsha prayer (at night). Their talking was in private, nobody else listened in (Allah kept it private). But
that was also quality time.
RUN WITH THEM: In a famous incident, the Prophet told his companions to go ahead on a trip as he
stayed behind to race Àisha (she won!) In the narration of the race, details are hidden, but obviously we
see his intention to spend time with her; picking a point to start from, running together, laughing and
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winning. Here is the Prophet with the world's greatest mission, taking time out to "play" with his wife in a
race in the desert. When was the last time we did that?
HANG OUT WITH THEM: Àisha (ra) was once at home while an artistic sword fighting/wrestling event
happened outside homes. Men were surrounded showing prowess, there was noise, there was an
exciting atmosphere. The Prophet peace be upon him came home and asked Àisha, "would you like to
see it?" Àisha said she stood a little behind the Prophet, watching close together as "my touch touched
his cheek". Resisting to move, Àisha also said,
"I stood there for as long as I could until I got tired, to show (see how much) the Prophet of God loved
me".
He, peace be upon him didn't move, she moved first. Quality time in action.
Shariàh (Islamic law) requires the husband to spend time with his wife. Allah dictates that husbands,
especially in polygamous marriages, spend equal amounts of money and TIME with their wives.
How To Get It Wrong
Women complain more that their husbands don't spend time with them, feeling neglected. He seems to
care about everything else. She is not hearing the language of love called TIME! A husband doesn't
always understand his wife's accusation, saying, "But I'm living with you?!" Men will look at their watches
to calculate his mere 3 hours with friends compared to 50 hours spent with the wife. Yet women are
asking for quality, scheduled time withme. Together. Set aside time for a
conversation, halal entertainment etc. Choose different times to get-together or make a daily routine after
work. Pick a yearly date for a weekend holiday.
Differences
Men: When your wife asks for time, she's asking for your focused presence. Show you're present by
looking at her, listening. When your wife wants to speak to you (uh-oh) be honest if don't want to.
Say, "I'm busy, come back in half an hour". Don't pretend to listen because that shows you don't care.
Generally, women come with problems to talk for sympathy, not always wanting a solution.
Women: Sisters, make special time for your husbands too. Ask, "what would YOU like us to do
together?" and do that! When you go to your husband with a problem, understand how to talk to him. He
may not be in the mood, he may give you cold advice. Understand when he's emotionally available and
don't pressure him into being your girlfriend.
3. RECIEVING GIFTS
A gift is not necessarily purchased. Some people respond well to visual symbols of love, and the love is
shown in the physical act of giving. Just hand it over, a flower, a seashell from a walk on the beach, or an
email. Be thoughtful, be intuitive and spontaneous.
These gifts don't need to be everyday, or even every week, although they could be. They don't need to
cost a lot of money (unless it's for your husband). Gifts can be free, they need to be frequent and they can
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be given without a purpose meaning that buying a kitchen appliance is not a gift of love (unless she/he
really did ask for it), but finding a particular childhood book your partner loved, is. The giving itself should
show you're thinking about your wife/husband.
Fortunately, this love language is one of the easiest to learn. Ask what your partner likes receiving and
make a note of their preferences. You need to understand that you are not investing your "purchases" in
gifts, but in deepening your relationship.
Dont mistake this love language for materialism; your partner will thrive on the thoughtfulness and effort
behind the gift. As they say, it is indeed the thought that counts. If you "speak" this language, the perfect
gift or gesture shows that you are caring, and you are prizing your spouse above whatever was sacrificed
to bring the gift to them
Why The Prophet Gave Gifts Giving gifts is a part of our religion, Islam. A noted hadith in imam
Bukhari's book of Manners, number 594, is where the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him said,
"Ta haaddu, ta haabbu: give gifts to one another, you will love one another."
This hadith is typically about giving presents to your brother in faith, but it's not exempt from the context of
marriage. Prophet Muhammad often gave foreign dignitaries gifts and shared food and such with his
companions. If we are meant to give gifts to strengthen our community bond, our husbands, our wives,
are much, much more deserving.
Most Muslims will know of Àisha's (ra) incident where she lost her necklace in the desert, and stayed
behind a travelling caravan, which lead to an unjust, scandalous accusation. What most of don't know is
that the incident gave way to revelation for the flexible tayammum, wudhu without water. And the
necklace itself was not expensive, it was made from stone, but Àisha (ra) said, "it was given to me by the
Prophet of Allah". She panicked that she lost it because of its sentimental value.
Prophet Muhammad gave gifts to his first wife Khadijah's whole family, her sister, even after she passed
away. Whenever he had a meat available he would cut and distribute it to Khadijah's neighbours and
friends. Àisha (ra) was jealous of Khadijah (ra) though they never met, because the Prophet's love for
Khadijah was manifested in so many ways.
What He or She Really, Really Wants
Dear women: Realise that men like quality gifts over quantity. What does this mean? It means men
generally prefer those gifts you saved up for; you bought something expensive, a fancy watch, new
trainers, a video game (I have no idea). This takes time and is worth the wait to gift your husband on a
special occasion making a big deal "this is just for you!" Don't take out loans though, use your own
judgement for affordability and time.
Dear men: Understand that women prefer many gifts, even if the cost is small. You may be saving up
years for a bleedin' gorgeous jewellery piece but you don't need to spend that much on one present. It's
healthier for the marriage that you give your wife frequent love tokens, so budget wisely for a monthly gift.
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Don't Misunderstand Her
Note: Genetics adds to the language of gift giving too as Muslim men misunderstand their wife's reaction.
Brothers, when your wife says, " oh, you shouldn't have! Why did you spend that much?!" don't take it
literally. She's not one of your guys, your friends. A Muslim woman's heart speaks differently and is more
often too shy to say her true emotions. She's really jumping for joy on the inside. It's awkward for women
to truly express their full shukr, thanks with every gift. Sisters, your husband just gave you a sparkly
present he saved up for and is expecting you to melt.
4. ACTS OF SERVICE
Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. Things like laundry
and taking out the trash require some form of planning, time, effort, and energy. However, it's very
important to understand what acts of service your wife or husband will most appreciate.
Such physical chores require a balanced dynamic. Without any judgement whatsoever, it's a fairly
accepted custom that women tend to take on more of the housework, while men's work is more external.
These are expected duties, but not rules. So, semi-regularly, each partner needs to step out of the
stereotypes.
Acts of service require both partners to humble themselves into doing some chores and services that
aren't usually expected from their gender. However, it's not about right and wrong, it's about taking some
burdens off your partner, because you love them.
The Prophet' s Contributi on
Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, did not expect to be waited on and nor should we. Nor was
Prophet Muhammad ever violent or critical of his wives. He would mend his own clothes and fix his own
shoes. It wasn't that Àisha was ignoring these things, but once in a while, the Prophet would do it
himself. He demonstrated another language of love. It was not demeaning or undignified, he just shifted
the roles by taking something from Àisha's domain.
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Today, you'll find household tasks erupting in cultural collisions. Some will argue men were not raised to
clean up or cook, and women never left the house for work
For our elders, women and men's roles were rarely swapped. In your marriage, you need to discuss
boundaries, use your skills to help the other and occasionally shift roles. Who washes the dish, who fixes
the lights? Get out of your comfort zone and get into the space of your spouse.
How To Service Your Marriage
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the
burden of responsibilities weighing on an Acts of Service person will speak volumes. The words your
partner wants to hear are: Let me do that for you. Laziness, broken commitments, and making more
work for your wife or husband says that their feelings dont matter. (Men, you know who you are).
Things that help:
Offering to wash the dishes
Washing the car
Fixing a broken light, getting a new lamp soon
Volunteering to buy the groceries
Paying the bills punctually
Taking the children out
Making dinner with brought groceries
Offering help for organising events
For Muslims, it's important to do these acts out of love and not obligation. Connect the act to Allah,see it
as a means to earn His grace, making tasbih meanwhile and showing your partner that you're doing it
to help them.
A person who does chores and helps out around the house out of guilt or fear speaks a language of
resentment. I Perform these acts out of the kindness of your heart. These little sacrifices will mean the
world to your partner, and accumulate as good deeds to Allah.
Differences
It is engrained in a husband's fitra (human nature) to maintain his wife. Allah's command for provision and
protection is stronger on men (Qur'an, 4:34). Their financial obligations are a "gift of love". When a man
shares his money, pays rent, buys groceries, pays the bills, it's a huge sign showing he cares. And
women need to realise that okay, so he's not washing dishes every week, but 50-60% of his income is
spent on her. Yes, your husband SHOULD do those things, but do you see his maintenance towards the
house, food and so on? That is his love. Say alhamdulillah.
This is what Prophet Muhammad warned us against, being ungrateful. Women will easily say to their
husbands, "You never help out, I never see any help from you," even though he's been taking care of her
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for years. See that maintenance he's brings? That's the language of livelihood! You both have to find
fleeting moments between life's chores to build love.
5. PHYSICAL TOUCH
This language isnt all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not
surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm or
facethey can all be ways to show excitement, concern, joy, and love. Physical presence and
accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
Many people feel loved the most when they receive physical contact from their spouse. Physical touch
can make or break the relationship. While sexual intercourse (in marriage) makes a person feel secure
and loved, it's only a dialect of physical connection. There are two contexts for 'touch', the sexual and
non-sexual.
The Non-Sexual Touch Observe people around you. They shake hands, high-five, reach out, tickle,
pinch. Why? Because for that moment, there's a warmth and a physical connection which reaches
beyond words
Many parts of the body are extremely sensitive to stimulation. Yet, some touches like groping, shoves,
and pulling, are irritating and uncomfortable for your partner. Take the time to learn the touch your
husband/wife likes. They can be big acts, such as back massages or a long embrace, or little acts such
as touches on the cheek or a hand on the shoulder.
It is important to discover how your partner responds, not only physically but also psychologically to these
touches. That is how you will make the most of this love language.
The Prophet' s Hands
Whenever the Prophet Muhammad arrived at his house one of the first things he did before entering
home was to brush his teeth with a miswak. This was standard behaviour, checking his appearance,
maintaining hygiene, and then sitting close to Àisha (ra) to kiss her. And not just a peck on the cheek
either, reports narrate that the Prophet Muhammad would suck Àisha's tongue: a passionate kiss.
From the seerah, there was an exchange of fluid (known to be medically healthy) and in modern terms
this would be a 'French kiss'. Why did the Prophet do this? He demonstrated the language of touch
through a close proximity to show that no matter what his day was burdened with, his love was
unyielding.
See, in the world of science, hormones boost the touch sensation given to one another. When a man
'makes a pass' at his wife, she will reciprocate. There is a flirtation involved that makes up some
communication in marriage. Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, would lean on 'Aisha (ra). Nothing
else was going to happen, but his head was in her lap. It's a form of romance, wanting to be caressed and
touched.
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Modern psychologists say that hugging is a tool of transformation.
"Hugging brings people closer to each other. If your relationship with somebody is not working, try
hugging him 20 times a day and there will be a significant difference." - R. Chandran, therapist (Mumbai,
India)
Women's Bodies
When it comes to sexuality, women do not appreciate being touched only for sex. Besides being 'ready',
in an appropriate place and time, women crave the sensation of hands and hugs and other things. Every
married person needs to master the "Art of Non-Sexual Touching". In the same way food nourishes the
body, a woman who is not fed physically will feel neglected and not have the energy to give anything
back.
Men's Bodies
Conversely, men want more 'come to me' gestures from their wives, more physical contact. Otherwise
men feel deprived sexually and they question, "Doesn't she doesn't love me?" But a woman shows her
love through so many other ways which aren't being seen and heard. Both men and women should be
recognising their partners screaming with these signs of "I loves yous". So pay attention to them.
All marriages will experience crises. In these cases, physical touch is very important. A hug can
communicate an immense amount of love for that person and helps to release tension without masses of
discussion. A person whose primary love language is physical touch would much rather have you hold
them and be silent than offer any advice.
Wives and husbands, you need examine your marriage and ask what is HE/SHE doing to show they love
me? Always assume there IS love there. Ask yourself what do I want to hear? And what am I showing
that they can't see? Exchange ideas with one another and do not expect perfection. You won't have a
perfect spouse, because you're not perfect!
A simple rule in marriage is not to give and take but give and give. After 20 years of giving, trying to be
the ideal for another through the love languages will keep that spark ignited. Intimacy cannot be created
without love so if you're marriage has its problems, but you both love one another, you're on the right
path.
(Source: Like A Garment)
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Class 7- 'Marital Conflict and
their Islamic Solution'
MARITAL CONFLICTS AND THEIR SOLUTIONS
Marital conflict is one of those make you or break you phenomena. It has the ability to destroy a couple
and land them in a heartbreaking divorce, or it has the ability to deepen a couples bond to the extent that
they feel something that seems like a taste of Jannah. On an individual level, marital conflict can lead a
person toward maturation and self-improvement. What most couples fail to realize is that conflict doesnt
have to drive them. People are not the pawns of their emotions, destined to argue and fight because they
cant help what they feel, unless they choose to be.
Conflict is inevitable in any close relationship. Its impossible for two people to be emotionally close
without some inherent differences, which lead to anxiety. This anxiety is characterized by feelings of fear,
anger, frustration, or disappointment and it is very natural. Differences that you can live with when it
comes to a friend or even a relative can rock your world when it comes to your spouse, because you have
to live with this person every dayyou want to be extremely close to them, yet the love you share with
them is not unconditional. Having a difference with a spouse may also be a bit of a reality-check,
because it makes you realize that just because you believe something, that doesnt make it right. Even
though we logically know that some differences can be valid, we still feel insecure having a difference like
that with our spouse. These differences can be related to faith, family, upbringing, culture, politics,
intimacy, or even something as trivial as food or favorite book genres.
Husbands and wives in conflict often sound like whiny or angry children when they share their problems
with a third party. Hell complain that she doesnt ever want to get intimate, and shell complain that hes
lazy around the house and still on his mothers apron-strings. Perhaps theyll come to a compromise to
both start meeting each others needs more, but both are always keeping a close on eye and a tight
score, and as soon as one person starts to falter the other withdraws in turn.
While is important for us to understand our responsibilities to our spouse, if we never go beyond that,
well have a technically functioning marriage but an emotionally dysfunctional marriage. Many are the
people who fulfill the fiqhi requirements of marriage but are still unhappy. Theyre unhappy because in
spite of meeting each others needs, they still have conflict about those needs, and they dont understand
why that is or how to resolve it. For instance, a couple may be having intimate relations on a regular
basis, so technically this aspect of their marriage is being fulfilled in a fiqhi perspective, but they may still
be having a huge conflict about it. There is an entire emotional side of marriage that can be turned
upside down even when technicalities are being taken care of. This daily emotional interplay is not
properly understood by many couples, in spite of our glimpses into the Sunnah of the Prophet (S.A.W.).
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In regards to handling conflict we first need to stop focusing on our spouse and start focusing more on
ourselves. Even when our spouse is doing something we believe is blameworthy, we still first focus on
our own reactions as a means to rectifying the situation. This is because even though we believe our
spouse is doing something wrong, weve usually been enabling and even encouraging their behavior
without realizing it. When it comes to conflict, the only person who we can change is ourselves, so the
first step in handling marital conflict is to change our own part in a destructive behavior pattern.
Lets understand this through an example. Lets say a husband feels resentful and frustrated with his wife
because she always gets upset when he goes out with his friends. She becomes passive-aggressive
whenever he comes back home and they usually end up having an argument in the end. He blames his
wife for wanting to control his time and he believes shes way too needy. So now he either has to choose
between his wife and social life, or so he thinks. If he steps back and takes a look at this situation, he
may notice that hes been making some mistakes of his own that have created this problem. Perhaps his
wife wouldnt mind if he spent time with his friends if he would let her know a little in advance or would
come home on time. Perhaps she resents the fact that he always makes time with his friends during
Friday nights or other prime times while time with her seems to be spent over mundane tasks on
weeknights. It may not be that his wife minds that he spends time with his friends, if only he was just more
considerate of her when he scheduled it. Instead of merely reacting to her and making assumptions, he
needs to do some calm discovering.
We tend to enable the behavior in our spouses that we dislike through our very efforts to eradicate it.
Whenever we are about to blame our spouse for a problem, we need to pause, step back, and take an
honest look at ourselves. Are things really as we interpret them to be? Are these simple character faults
in our spouse or are they a reaction to a more complex problem in which we both take part?
The next thing we have to do is look at our efforts to communicate with our spouse about a problem. This
involves broaching the subject and telling our spouse how their behavior is affecting us. This involves
being calm, honest, and tactful with our spouse when we speak to them. It calls upon us to eliminate any
emotional games, vengeful arguments, hurtful language, or passive-aggressive behavior. In other words,
if we want conflict to refine our relationship and make our bond stronger, we have to let go of any spiteful
attempts to punish our spouse or vent our anger at them. We are having this conversation with our
spouse, not so we can make them feel guilty, but so that we can overcome a problem as a couple. This
type of conversation can only happen between two people who are mature enough to put aside petty
attempts to wound each other.
After authentically representing ourselves to our spouse, we have to calmly receive whatever they have to
say to us. This may be an emotional tirade that seeks to pull us into a familiar argument, or it may be a
valid criticism. In any event, we have to hold on to our resolve to stay calm and respectful, despite how
our spouse behaves, and be open to whatever it is they have to say. Our spouse may not agree with us
or be willing to change (yet), but at the very least weve given them food for thought and set a better tone
in our marriage. And after the discussion is over, we have to really let it be over, even if we didnt agree
in the end. Many times marital conflicts dont have a right and a wrong, but rather involve two valid
differences. One partner may think he doesnt overspend while his wife thinks he does. In reality, the
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definition of overspending is relative. So while she can tell her husband what she thinks of his spending
habits, she has to accept that this person came from a different family with different ideas about money.
He may never agree with her on it, so she has to learn to live with that. Of course there are subjects in
which Allah has limits (physical force, for example), but these are few compared with the things in
marriage which are determined by a persons urf, which in our case has less to do with the custom of
society as a whole and more with personal upbringing (because our society is so diverse).
Throughout this entire process, one thing has to remain in our mindthat each of us as an individual
should be contributing our best selves to our marriage all of the time, regardless of what our spouse
chooses to do. And even if only one spouse undertakes this approach, they will have the personal
satisfaction of knowing that they are fulfilling half of their deen in a way that is most pleasing to Allah as
well as remaining a constant source of positive growth for their relationship.
MARITAL DISCORD (An Nushuz) IN ISLAM
Part of the Wife
Here are some definitions from the scholars of nushuz when it is committed by the wife:
"It is the woman leaving the house of her husband without his permission and keeping her husband from
her without due right."
"It is the woman departing from the obligatory obedience to her husband, her preventing him from her in
the bed, her leaving the house without his permission to a place that she knows he would not permit her
to go, her leaving the rights of Allah upon her, such as performing the purification of ghusl or fasting
Ramadan, and her locking the door on her husband, keeping him out."
"It is the wife disobeying her husband elevating herself above what Allah has obliged upon her and her
raising herself above fulfilling her obligatory duties."
"It is the wife's disobedience of her husband concerning those acts of obedience that are obligatory upon
her from the rights of marriage."
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"It is where the wife raises herself above her husband and she is diffident towards him in the sense that
she does not obey him when he calls her to his bed or she leaves the house without his permission and
so forth. It is when she withholds from him his right to her obedience."
From all the different definitions, we see that nushuz on the part of the wife revolves around any of four
characteristics:
She does not beautify herself for her husband when he desires that from her.
She disobeys her husband with respect to coming to his bed and she refuses to respond to his calls.
She leaves the house without his permission or without any legal right to do so.
She does not perform her obligatory religious duties, such as failure to perform some prayers, fasting
Ramadan, covering her 'awra, or any other obligatory act of Islam.
Nushuz on the Part of the Husband
The jurists have defined nushuz when it is from the husband as follows:
"It is where the husband hates his wife and brings about harm to her."
"The husband transgresses against his wife and harms her by boycotting her, hitting her in ways not
called for by the law, irritating her, abusing her, reviling her, such as cursing and insulting her, etc."
"For the husband to transgress her by hitting her of harming her or having very bad behavior towards
her."
"It is for him to harm her by beating her or making life difficult for her or keeping her from getting her rights
fulfilled such as proper division between co-wives, support, etc."
So, nushuz when it is committed by the husband, revolves around the following point:
The husband wrongfully elevating and raising himself arrogantly above his wife and above the obligations
which Allah has placed upon him with regard to her.
He transgresses against her by beating her, harming her, reviling her, abusing her and not treating her
properly.
He fails to fulfill his mandatory obligations toward her such as support, etc.
He becomes diffident toward her and unconcerned for her by boycotting her in talk or in the bed, refusing
to speak to her, etc.
The Remedy for Nushuz When it is From the Wife
When a wife is in a state of nushuz, the husband can address it with the following three steps:
Admonition and guidance.
Boycotting
Striking her
What follows is a detailed discussion of each of these three steps.
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The First Step: Verbal Admonition and Guidance
The first thing a husband should do when his wife commits nushuz or the steps that lead to it is to attempt
to warn her verbally, using Quran and Sunnah to remind her of her duties toward Allah and toward her
husband. Allah said:
"As to those women from whom you see ill-conduct, admonish them..." [Noble Quran 4:34]
Admonition is a cure that is gentle and mild. Its goal is to replace estrangement and rebellion with love,
compassion and togetherness in obedience to Allah Most High. All of the scholars early and late have
agreed that this admonition is only as long as it is in agreement with the Shari'a. Otherwise, the husband
has no such right according to the principle: "There is no obedience to the created if it involves
disobedience to the Creator." (sahih hadith). Here are some of the scholars' definitions of this admonition
(mau'idha):
"Advising and reminding one of the outcome of ones actions."
"Reminding humans in a way that softens their hearts by reminding them of the rewards or punishments."
"The husband makes her fear Allah Most High. He reminds her of what Allah has obligated upon her
concerning his rights and obedience. She is to be told the results of her sin and disobedience and how
she then forfeits her rights of maintenance and clothing. And she is to be told of how that permits him to
strike her and boycott her."
From the sunnah, it is narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
"If you fear nushuz on their part, then advise them, boycott them in their beds and strike them in a way
which is not injurious..." [Musnad Ahmad]
The Companions, the Followers and all who came after them to this day agree that this admonition is
legally sanctioned when a wife commits nushuz. No one has ever rejected that and it is a point of
consensus.
The Second Step: Boycotting and Avoidance
Sometimes verbal admonition may have no effect on ending her state of estrangement and disobedience.
I fact, it may increase her abstinence due to some emotion that has overtaken her, a defiant reaction or
perhaps she has been deceived by position, wealth or beauty to consider herself better than her husband.
The husband may be partly to blame for this if he allowed his own emotions to interfere with admonishing
his wife in the best way. In any case, the next step in trying to end her recalcitrance is boycotting her and
avoiding her "in the bed".
Linguistically, this "boycotting" (al-hajr) is defined as "avoiding, cutting off and not having contact with the
one who is being boycotted." Allah recommends this using the additional phrase: "in sleeping places" (fiy
al-madhaji'). This could mean either avoiding her entirely and sleeping somewhere else or it could mean
sleeping in the same bed but keeping away from her and not speaking, etc.
The Quran, the Sunnah, consensus of the scholars and sound reason indicate its permissibility and it
being one of the means of disciplining the estranged wife when verbal admonition brings about no
positive result. Allah said:
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"...And avoid them in sleeping places..." [Noble Quran 4:34]
Imam Ahmad records in his Musnad that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) separated from
his wives for a month. (Although this was NOT for reasons of nushuz, it nonetheless shows the
permissibility of the act.) The jurists have agreed that it is permissible if it leads to the woman correcting
her ways and returning to proper guidance. It is a method which is effective with a woman who loves her
husband.
The verse in Surah An-Nisa is ambiguous as to whether it means to avoid the bed and the bedroom
entirely and sleep somewhere else or whether it means to avoid them IN the bed. That latter method is
preferable because it avoids making the existence of the problem known to children and other family
members and because there is a more positive atmosphere for actual reconciliation.
The boycotting may include boycotting her in speech, but that should not last more than three days
according to the hadith in Sahih Muslim: "It is not permissible for a Muslim to boycott his fellow Muslim for
more than three nights."
As for boycotting her in the bed, this can continue for as long as he believes it may still lead to her
stopping her acts of nushuz but in no case exceeding four months. This is the strongest opinion among
the statements of the scholars. It is based on the time limit which Allah placed on al-Ilaa' - where a man
takes an oath to cut of relations with his wife. In the jahiliya, there was no limit on this, so a spiteful man
could leave his wife "hanging", having no relations with him but not divorced for as long as he wished.
Allah limited this to four months, saying:
"And for those who cuts off relations with his wife is a waiting period of four months. Then, if he returns,
surely Allah is Hearing, Knowing." [Noble Quran 2:226]
The wife who does not mend her ways after four months of boycotting is not and will not mend her ways.
She is deserving of divorce and there is not need to continue this "suspended" situation any further. This
is because her continual estrangement and non-cooperation even though she knows full well that it will
end in divorce shows clearly that she has no willingness to respond to the action which is taking place
and return to a proper Islamic marriage. At the very least, it can be said that she will not be able to live
with that husband in a pleasant and proper manner.
The Third Step: Striking Her
In some cases the solution to the problem may require some harshness and toughness. This is because
there are some people who cannot be set straight when they go wrong by good behavior and soft advice
alone. Kindness and softness just make such people more arrogant and ignorant. Some such people, if
met with toughness, respond by cooling down and ending their defiance. Generally speaking, it is not
recommended for a husband to ever strike his wife and it is narrated that the Prophet (peace and
blessings be upon him) said about those who do so that "they are not the best of you".
However, in some cases resorting to harshness including striking may be a beneficial cure which in fact
returns the partners back together in love and compassion. In these cases, it can be a positive cure and a
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spiritual discipline. It is not meant for revenge or punishment. Whoever does it in such a manner is
committing a sin and transgressing against his wife. Instead, it is meant to restore what has become
improper and bring the disruption to an end. Although it is a bitter medicine, in many cases it may be less
harmful to all involved than the destruction of the foundation of the family.
It should be made clear that beating your wife is NOT permissible in Islam. The striking mentioned above
shouldnt be anything more than a tap with a Siwak.
Narrated Mu'awiyah ibn Haydah: "I said: Apostle of Allah, how should we approach our wives and how
should we leave them? He replied: Approach your tilth when or how you will, give her (your wife) food
when you take food, clothe when you clothe yourself, do not revile her face, and do not beat
her. (Sunan Abu-Dawud, Book 11, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Number 2138)"
Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) as saying: "He
who believes in Allah and the Hereafter, if he witnesses any matter he should talk in good terms about it
or keep quiet. Act kindly towards woman, for woman is created from a rib, and the most crooked part of
the rib is its top. If you attempt to straighten it, you will break it, and if you leave it, its crookedness will
remain there. So act kindl y towards women. (Sahih Muslim, The Book of Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah),
Book 008, Number 3468)"
"O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with
harshness, that ye may take away part of the dower [money given by the husband to the wife for the
marriage contract] ye have given them, except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the
contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that
ye dislike a thing, and God brings about through it a great deal of good. (The Noble Quran, 4:19)"
The Remedy When Nushuz is By the Husband
Islam has provided remedies for cases when nushuz is from the husband in ways consistent with both her
feelings and sensitivities as a woman and their respective roles, rights and obligations as husband and
wife. She can look for the reasons for his behavior and admonish him with Islam in an attempt to make
things right between them. However, Islam has not given her the right to address this problem by
boycotting him or beating him as has been given to the husband. This is because her nature is different
from that of the man and because she does not have the same kind of power and authority in the
marriage as he has.
She should use some or all of the following steps:
Try to discover the reason for his estrangement and/or bad behavior.
Admonish her husband and remind him of his responsibility in front of Allah towards his wife such as good
behavior and kind treatment.
Try to please her husband in order to make things right. This can be just by showing kindness and
concern and can also include compromising some of her own rights for the sake of harmony.
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"And if a woman fears cruelty or desertion on her husband's part there is no sin upon the two of them if
they make terms of agreement and agreement is better..." [Noble Quran 4:128]
If it becomes clear to her that the signs of nushuz are confirmed and he is turning away from her out of
dislike for her and wishing to be away from her, then there is no sin upon either of them if the "work out
terms of peace". This means that she may give up some of her due rights in order to stay in the marriage.
For example, she may give up some of her rights to support, housing or equality of nights with other
wives in order to remain under his protection and in the marriage. Or, she may give up some or all of her
dowry in exchange for his divorcing her.
Ibn Abbas said: "Saudah feared that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) was going to divorce
her so she said to him, "O Messenger of Allah, do not divorce me but keep me and make my day for
Aisha." The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) did so and the verse was revealed concerning
that. Bukhari
'Umar said: "Whatever points they agree upon are permissible." Al-Baihaqiy
General rules to keep in mind to avoid marital discord
1. When talking to the spouse, don't point fingers. The moment you point the finger, (even if it is not
pointing back in the same direction it is still connected to you), that's the moment conflict starts. Ex:
''Honey, you never take out the recycling bin.'' Said the wife. ''I took it out last week.'' Says the husband.
Fire lit. The right thing for the wife to say is ''Honey, I'm tired, can you please take out the recycling bin for
me today?'' Normal answer from the husband should be ''yes.'' The wife should say ''Thank you!''. This
way the husband feels appreciated and will do it more often and the wife has more time to something else
in return for him or clean up.
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2. Fight eye to eye. If the fighting has already started, sit down, and discuss it eye to eye. If your spouse
is not willing to sit down, be the 'bigger person' in the conversation and ask them nicely to sit down.
3. Do not pick at the other for little things. For example, your husband might move some of the pillows
on to the other chair when he comes home from work everyday and everyday you put them back. Make it
a habit! Do not pick at your husband for doing that. Also, if your wife likes to rearrange your mail, give it to
her to put in order so that both of you are happy. Nagging at what the other does, doesn't help one bit.
4. Appreciate one another. A thank you for something nice here and there didn't hurt someone. Also,
saying sorry to someone, even if they made the mistake, can make a big difference.
5. Let the other make mistakes. No one is perfect, people make mistakes. Do not hold down the other
when you wouldn't want to be held down for a mistake.
6. Try not to always plan to annoy, because the onl y one who is to be annoyed is you more. Okay,
we all have our evil days but make sure the spouse is not having a bad day before hand.
7. Spend qualit y time together. What was the real reason you married the person? To have kids and
that's it? I highly doubt that's why most people marry. The person you married is for a companion many
people long to have but sometimes never get. Someone who's your best friend when your best friend isn't
around. Back to reality, when spending quality time with your significant other it doesn't mean going
shopping for 5 hours or going to a baseball game which only one might enjoy. It means take the time out
to enjoy the weather to talk, to play, to take a stroll down a country road or even speed race each other at
the go-carts.
8. Understand one another. Listen to what the other is saying. for example, women exaggerate. Men, on
the other hand, sometimes only say things up front but without the drama and sometimes only half of
what they want to say. Sometimes it can even be the reverse but listen and observe their body language.
If they look at you when they are saying it, then they know what they want. But if they tend to look away,
they are more likely embarrassed or too shy to say it than not knowing what to say. Do not accuse them
of hiding anything because sometimes things are hard to put into real words.
9. Do not snoop in the other's past life. The moment you have tied the knot is the moment you start a
new life. Snooping in their past will lead to miss conceptions. To tell you the truth, they were human once
too. They grew up in a different world then you did, but you both came together to make a new world.
Why try to bring back the old when the new has much more to see?
10. Let it go! The bravest thing one can do is forgive the other person and move on like nothing
happened. It may be hard but if you do forgive them, the world will look like a better place to you and you
will feel much better.
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11. Do not keep an Idle mind. Yes spending time alone once in a while alone is good but too much time
by yourself, is not good. When you are by yourself and thinking of what the other 'has done me wrong',
the anger inside tends to pent up and you could blow. So best thing to do is invite or go out with some
friends and release some of the tension. You and your buddies with both find relief and laughter.
12. Stay clear from the people who try to control your marriage. These people will destroy it. It's okay
to get tips on how to avoid problems and how to get out set in stains but when someone says ''Oh, My
wife always keeps busy in the kitchen making food all day! Women should always be in the kitchen!'' This
is a sign that person (best friend or not) is not a good person. You can be very venerable to listening to
this and go home and do this. Also, when a person might say ''Oh, my husband buys me this and that'' it
is a signal to make one jealous and question their own husband 'why don't you provide for me?' (this
provide is not the shelter and food provide but of worldly material). If you do not want to stay clear of
these people then change the subject. Stay in control of your marriage. No ''okay, you can test drive it!''
13. Keep the green eye monster away. Like the last two steps, Jealousy and the idle mind go hand in
hand. Plus do not jump to conclusions. Reason being, many marriages break up because of jealousy and
people jumping to conclusions without listing. If you see them cheating on you or they themselves have
said they have, it's your call. But if you just see them talking to some random stranger, you never know it
might be for directions or a special gift for someone. Always think positive. If they love you, they probably
wouldn't do anything to hurt you...just test you.
14. Be honest with each other. If there is something you disagree on with other, politely say ''I do not
agree with you on that. The reason being...''
15. Here is the big one: CHOOSE HAPPINESS OVER BEING RIGHT! Okay, we all want to be right but
sometimes being right at the wrong moment can destroy a relationship. Let the other person get away
with being wrong and thinking they are right half the time. Don't worry there are 4 benefits, happiness,
learning to compromise, knowing that you were right when they realize they were wrong and come to say
sorry, and you'll get a laugh out of it. But all in all, being right all the time is not good. Let some mistakes
happen.
16. When fighting, do not drag others in. It is a conflict between you and your spouse. Not you, your
spouse and best friend/mother/father/child/etc. They probably do not know the whole story anyways.
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Class 8 -'Interacting with
society as a Couple'
After learning about how to be a good spouse, well today read about how to interact with other important
people in your life, as a couple.
CHILDREN
Raising a child isnt easy. In fact, its among the most challenging and all-consuming responsibilities we
have in life. But good parenting is vitalto society and to Allah.
Both mother and father have a necessary and important role in the lives of their children. Parents work in
the home will be more effective if their first priorities are Allah, each other, and their children.
A home that is safe, where children can grow mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually, requires
faith and the best efforts of the parents.
While there is a lot to be said on the rights and duties of children but well not go into it and only look at
matters in which, you as a couple can effect your child.
The husband-wife relationship the base of the pyramid the rest of the family is built upon. If there i s a
crack in the base, everything else is affected.
Husband and wife in a marriage are meant to be equal, partners. The husband is the head of the
household and is responsible for the temporal welfare of his family. His role is to support his wife. The
wife is also to support her husband and to nurture her family both spiritually and emotionally. Husband
and wife are meant to work side by side in providing a safe haven from the world for their family. Their
roles are different, but equally important and essential to building the family and the community.
Fighting infront of the children
Parents who fight in front of their children are harming the psyche of their children unknowingly. These
are a few things to be kept in mind IF an argument arises between the husband and wife.
Put yourself in your children's shoes. Would you like to be a spectator to your fights?
Counting to ten is a tried and tested method of dealing with anger. Try not to argue when you're seeing
red. Take time to cool off before discussing your problems.
Remember that when it comes to fighting between spouses, it doesn't help to fight fire with fire. Raising
your voice, name-calling and door-slamming will only serve to fuel the fight.
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When you give yourself time to cool off and think you will often find that while you may think
you're fighting about long working hours or money, it may actually just be a manifestation of the fact that
you're tired, under stress or feeling neglected. Try to analyze what the real issue is.
Try not to focus on laying blame and trying to make your spouse grovel and see the error of his or her
ways. The idea is to come to a solution not punish your spouse.
If you have issues to resolve with your spouse try to wait till your children are asleep or go into another
room to have your argument.
If you've had a massive argument in front of your children, make it a point to let them know that they are
not to blame and that sometimes parents do fight, but it does not mean that they love each other or their
children any less.
If possible, try to explain what you were upset about in simple terms that they can understand. But try not
to alarm them or speak in a manner that they feel obliged to take sides or turn hostile to your spouse.
Explain to your children that losing your temper was a mistake and that you may have said many things
you didn't mean just because you were angry.
Make every attempt to make up with your spouse so that you can present a united, normal front to your
children as soon as possible.
Building Individual Relationships
Parents can have different opinions on the same topic but showing this indifference to the child will harm
him. A child is a good manipulator and he can easily manipulate a parent if he knows that a difference
exists between their thinking. Here are some tips to strike a good balance.
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It is very natural for parents to have different views on child rearing. Sometimes the mother may be too
strict while the father is lenient. Other times the father may believe in spanking a child who misbehaves
while the mother strongly opposes this. So how would two parents, with completely opposing points of
view, come to an agreement?
Respect
Parents don't have to come to an agreement. It's alright to have different views. However, it is important
to respect your partner's right to his or her own stance on child rearing. Don't try and impose your
opinions on your partner. If you believe hitting a child is wrong, then don't hit your child, but don't stop
your partner from doing so.
Permission
Very often when children don't get permission from one parent, they rush to the other. In such a case it is
important not to overrule a decision once made. If your partner has denied permission and your
child comes wailing to you, askyour child to sit back and reflect on why she thinks she has not got
permission, and what she can do in the future to ensure she gets it.
Playing parents against each other
If you take the side of your child against the other parent, your child will start playing you and your partner
against each other. This will give the child thefeeling that one partner is stronger than the other in the
relationship, and will take, what she perceives to be the 'weaker' partner, for granted. Your child will not
hesitate in running to you and saying "Mommy slapped me!" and then will sit back and take in the scene
as you rush to her defense by berating mommy.
Individual relationships
Your child has an individual relationship with each parent, and the other parent should not interfere in
such a relationship. In addition, parents have to respect children's individual relationships with not just the
other parent, but also with friends and other relatives. If granny spoils your child, there's really nothing you
can do about it. At worst, your child will learn to take granny for granted. But if granny says to you, "Okay,
stop shouting at her now! Enough!" and to your child, "Come here sweety, granny will give you a cookie,"
- that constitutes granny interfering in your individual relationship with your child. Behaviour like this
should be put at an end to immediately.
Privacy of the Couple
As much as you love your child, you should keep in mibd that your spouse has an equally important place
in your life and should not be side lined at the arrival of a new baby. Both the parents have to work hard
on striking a balance between parenting and maintaining a warm relationship with their better half.
For the sexual training of children, the parents must first teach their children not to enter their bedroom
without asking permission. Allh (SwT) has pointed to this important point in Surat Nr, Verse 58:
{
}
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O you who have faith! Let your permission be sought by your slaves and those of you who have not
reached puberty three times: before the dawn prayer, and when you put off your garments at noon, and
after the night prayer. These are three times of privacy for you.
It is a wide spread misconception in many cultures that a woman has no duties towards her parents once
she is married and they become an obligation on the sons which is completely incorrect. Al daughter has
the same duties towards her parents as the son. She has to serve them, take care of them and spend on
them (if she has a source of income) according to her ability and her husbands permission.
The responsibilities of a married woman towards her parents are like those of any other woman. The
rights of the parents remain both before and after marriage, but obedience to the husband takes
precedence over obedience to the parents if there is a conflict.
If the command of the parents conflicts with the command of the husband, then what takes precedence is
the command of the husband. But the Muslim husband and the Muslim wife must strive to avoid conflict
with the parents, and strive to achieve harmony between them and their parents.
One of the matters to which the married woman should pay attention concerning her parents is that she
should strive to visit them from time to time, and give them appropriate gifts even if they have no real
material value. She should try to avoid letting her childrens misbehaviour annoy them when visiting them,
and avoid telling them about marital disagreements.
Shaykh Muhammad al-Duwaysh
If her parents need money and she is able to spend on them, then it is obligatory for her to spend on them
as much as she is able to. If she does not have money of her own, but she intercedes with her husband, if
he has money, to help her parents, then she will be rewarded for that in sha Allah. This is part of
honouring her parents.
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
Similarly, it is believed that once the son gets married, the obligation to serve his parents automatically
goes to the new daughter in law which is Islamically not correct. The wife of the son is in no way obligated
to serve her in-laws except if she does so out of kindness. The wife does not have to obey anyone among
her in-laws, whether that is her husbands father, mother, brothers or sisters, in any matter, major or
minor, unless they tell her to do something which is obligatory according to Islam, or forbid her to do
something that is haraam. In such matters she has to obey, whether that comes from a relative or a
stranger, an in-law or anyone else. It is the duty of the son to look after his parents even after he gets
married. He is the one answerable to Allah but if the wife takes up the responsibility to relieve him then
shell InshaAllah be rewarded for it.
Also, it is necessary for the man (son in law) to treat his wifes parents with respect specially if he expects
her to to do the same with his parents,
SOCIETY
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A respectful husband and wife will behave appropriately in public. They will never embarrass their
spouse by using coarse language, being impolite, or sharing intimate details about their marriage.
Inappropriate behavior could very well lead to loss of respect for themselves. They will not belittle her or
make fun of the other in their presence or absence, nor will they backbite.
Sharing bedroom secrets with a third person is HARAAM in Islam. Even if he/she is your best friend and
you dont have any secrets between you.
Asma' Bint Yazid said: {I was present where the Prophet (s.a.w.) was, and men and women were sitting.
The Prophet (s.a.w.) said to them: "May a man be talking about what he does to his wife, and may a
woman be talking about what she does with her husband?" The people remained quiet and did not
answer. So I said: "Yes, O Messenger of Allah! The women do that, and the men do that too." He said:
"Do not do that, because doing that is like a Shaitan meets a Shaitanah in a street, then he had
intercourse with her while people were watching."
Treat your mate with respect: Don't give her/him the cold shoulder or talk to him/her like a child.
Belittling their intelligence or behavior in public, even if you're just joking, will do more harm than good to
your relationship. Put your differences aside and show her love and support instead. Instead, talk about
her great accomplishment at work. Showing each other some affection as well may help you see how
little the disagreement really means.
Don't fight in public: Even if your spouse is doing everything in his power to aggravate the heck out of
you, remain calm; it may be his immature way of handling his emotions. Not only will having a fight in
public single you two out of a crowd, it will also cause those who are with you, like such as your kids,
other family members or friends, to feel extremely uncomfortable. Wait until you get home to discuss any
problems. Also, when later having your discussion, try to focus your discussion on key issues rather than
the way he was acting.
Establish rul es: If a main issue has yet to be resolved, set some rules that bar the discussion of the
issue while out in public. This rule should also ban talking about the problem with friends and family as
well. Your friends and family naturally view your spouse differently than you do, and what they consider to
be helpful advice may further aggravate the situation or cause you to see a problem that you didn't realize
beforehand, which may lead to a fight with your spouse later on.
Praise them in public: Have you ever noticed that when someone praises you, you want to repeat the
behavior that caused it? This is just human nature. It can be a form of manipulation if it isnt genuine. But
it can be a powerful way to motivate others when it is authentic. Words are powerful tools. They can
create, or they can destroy. They can build up, or they can tear down. If you start speaking well of
someone, you start believing what you say.
Encouragement is also a powerful force for good. All of us need positive reinforcement. This is why when
we are losing weight and people notice, it gives us the strength to stick with the program. This is true in
every area of life.
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Class9- 'Issuesand
FAQsinMarital Life'
Q. Is it obligatory to have intercourse on the wedding night?
A. Praise be to Allaah.
It is not obligatory for the man to have intercourse with his wife on the wedding night. They may delay that
until the time that they choose. But intercourse -- in general -- is obligatory, and it is the right of both
spouses, and the wife must allow the husband to do that when he wants, so long as it is not harmful to
her, and the husband must have intercourse with his wife as much as suffices her, so long as it does not
weaken him physically or distract him from earning a living. And Allaah knows best.
Q. Pornography is prohibited in islam. How big a sin is " watching" pornographic material with
your wife once in a while?
Watching pornography is forbidden, whether a person is married or not. The one who does that has to
repent to Allaah. How can a person watch such things with his wife and he can he permit her to watch it
too? Indeed watching such things may lead to problems between the spouses which may end up in
divorce Allaah forbid. Undoubtedly if a man approves of such a thing he is lacking in gheerah
(protective jealousy), which is what distinguishes a Muslim from others, from kaafirs and duyooths
(cuckolds) who approve of obscenity and immorality in their families. Moreover, watching such material
makes one take the matter of immorality lightly and encourages promiscuity. We ask Allaah to keep us
safe and sound. Let the one who has committed such a sin beware of the punishment of Allaah; let him
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hasten to repent. He should be keen to look for anything that may help his wife to remain chaste, not for
things that will encourage immoral actions.
If the husband calls his wife to watch these movies, it is not permissible for her to obey him, because the
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: There is no obedience if it involves
disobeying Allaah, rather obedience is only with regard to that which is right and proper. Narrated by al-
Bukhaari, 7257; Muslim, 1840. And Allaah knows best.
Q. Is it OK to use condoms or other forms of birth control?
It is permissible to use condoms so long as this does not cause any harm and so long as both husband
and wife consent to their use, because this is similar to azl (coitus interruptus or withdrawal). But it
reduces the sensation of pleasure, which is the right of both partners, and reduces the chance of
conception, which is also the right of both partners. Neither one of them is allowed to deprive the other of
these rights.
Regarding the use of other hormonal birth control methods (such as pills) one should consult with a Dr
and determine if it is harmful for the body of the woman. If it is, it is not permissible to use them. Her
husband should also give his permission to take the pills, because the husband has the right to have
children . And Allaah is the Source of strength.
Q. What is the ruling for a man whose wife wants to get intimate but he doesnt? Is it allowed for
him to refuse having intercourse with her?
A. The husband is obliged to have intercourse with his wife on a reasonable basis, which is one of the
most important rights that she has over him; it is more important than feeding her. It is obligatory with
regard to having intercourse according to her need and his ability, just as he should feed her according to
her need and his ability
Majmoo al-Fataawa, 32/271
Muslim narrated in his Saheeh (1006) from Abu Dharr (may Allah be pleased with him) that the
Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: the intimacy of one of you (with
his wife) is a charity. They said: O Messenger of Allaah, if one of us fulfils his desire, will he be rewarded
for that? He said: Do you not see that if he did it in a haraam manner, there would be a burden of sin on
him for that? Similarly, if he does it in a halaal manner, he will be rewarded for it.
In that case, what the wise husband must do is take care of his wife in that regard and give it priority over
everything else, so that he may keep her chaste, conceal her and meet her needs as much as he can,
even if he does not have an urgent need for that and even if he had to do it only for her, for the sake of
meeting his wifes needs. In that there will be reward for both of them, in sha Allah, and a means of help
so that they attain spiritual and worldly wellbeing.
Q. I have been married for several years and I have never experi enced an orgasm. I tried to keep
my husband satisfied, but I have little desire since we have tried everything to make me reach a
climax. This is an issue for me, because my husband has a healthy sex drive. I always try and
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meet his needs, but I know hed be happy if I was more into it. Do you have any suggestions for
us?
A. Sister, I cant stress the important of letting go and relaxing. Enjoying what your husband does and not
feeling any pressure, being in with the moment. Remember; dont be in any pressure to climax and it will
come. Sister, believe me in all of my research I have found an average woman climaxes 5 years after her
first experience with a man. This research is based on the average non-Muslim woman who has multiple
partners, has tried various exotic positions and done a lot of romantic things. Yet, it still takes her 5 years
to reach an orgasm. If this is the case with an average non-Muslim lady, then the average for a Muslim
woman in a monogamous relationship with a husband who may not be as romantic and exciting as
others, it will take even longer. This is normal, just enjoy it; allow your husband to be romantic and
express his love.
Though a husband may be extremely gentle, there are many other wives who have expressed that they
suffer from a lot of pain in sex. They are absolutely normal, and this is nothing to worry about. Sister, you
should tell your husband that this is standard, especially if youve only been married a year or so,
completely normal! Use extra lubrication, try different types of lubrication, try longer foreplay, try telling
your husband what to do, and just relax. As I said, sisters in particular, please understand: if you feel the
need to enjoy or if you feel the need to climax, then this will be problematic. Just let it go and enjoy. You
may not climax for the first time, the second time, the tenth time, but when you do, let go and when you
dont feel the pressure, then inshaAllah Taala it will make things a lot better
-Yasir Qadhi
Q. Ruling on wife taking the husbands last name (surname). What if the husband insists on that?
It is not permissible for a woman to take her husbands name or his family name because that is
attributing oneself to someone other than ones father, and imitating the kuffaar from whom this custom
was adopted.
Al-Bukhaari (3508) and Muslim (61) narrated from Abu Dharr (may Allaah be pleased with him) that he
heard the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: Any man who knowingly attributes
himself to someone other than his father is guilty of kufr. Whoever claims to belong to a people when he
has nothing to do with them, let him take his place in Hell.
when he has nothing to do with them means, when he has no lineage among them, as is highlighted in
some reports.
Based on that, the husband has no right to force his wife to do that, and if he forces her to do it she
should not obey him, because it is obedience to a created being which involves disobedience to the
Creator. So she should persist in her refusal and explain to him that it is haraam, and look for Islamically
acceptable means of establishing her rights from a legal point of view.
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Q. Helping one s parents from her salary without her husbands knowledge
If there was no condition stipulated by your husband that you may work provided you spend all or part of
your salary on household expenses, then the salary that you get or the amount that is left after you pay
the amount that your husband stipulated you should pay, is your property and it is permissible for you to
spend it in any way that is halaal, and you do not have to ask your husbands permission with regard to
that. But if you do that so as show respect to him, that is better.
Q. Wife serving her husbands parents
The wife is not obliged to serve her husbands father, mother or any of his relatives; rather it is good
manners, if she lives in the same house, to serve his parents. But obliging her to do that is not
permissible. So it is not permissible for her husband to force her to do that, and it is not obligatory for her.
What I advocate is that the wife should be patient in serving her husbands parents (if they are old) and
remember that it will not harm her, rather it will make her more respected and loved by her husband. And
Allaah is the Source of strength.
Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him).
Q. Plucking part of the eyebrows in order to look beautiful for ones husband
It says in Fataawa al-Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-Uthaymeen:
Plucking of womens eyebrows is not permissible, it is the namas for which the Messenger of
Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) cursed the one who does it. The naamisah is the one
who does it for someone else and the mutanammisah is the one who asks someone else to do it for her
(as mentioned in the hadeeth). The same applies if a woman does it for herself. It is haraam and is not
permitted.
You should not remove anything from the eyebrows at all, unless there is hair outside of the line of the
eyebrows, such as if there is a mole from which a hair is growing. This may be removed because in this
case it is removing a kind of fault or deformity, not in order to look beautiful. And Allaah knows best.
See Fataawa Manaar al-Islam by Shaykh Ibn Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him), vol. 3, p.
832.
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Shaykh Ibn Jibreen said: It is not permissible to cut the hair of the eyebrows, or to shave it, reduce it or
pluck it, even with the husbands approval. This is not the matter of beauty, rather it is altering the
creation of Allaah Who is the Best of creators. A warning has been narrated against doing that and the
one who does it is cursed; this implies that it is forbidden.
Q. Her husband is asking her to take off her hijab
If what is meant is that he is ordering her to uncover her hair and neck, etc, this is a command to disobey
Allaah, and there is no obedience to any created being if it involves disobedience towards the Creator.
There is no difference of opinion among the Muslim scholars that it is obligatory for a woman to cover her
hair, neck and arms, and it is not permissible for her to take off her hijab in obedience to her husband or
father, rather she should stand firm and seek help in that from righteous people in his family and hers,
and those who have some influence on her husband.
Q. Ruling on staying with a husband who does not pray
It should be known that the one who does not pray any of the prayers and persists in not doing so,
according to the Sahaabah and the majority of scholars, is counted as a kaafir and it is not permissible to
marry him or eat meat slaughtered by him. If the husband does not pray at all, then he is taking a very
serious risk and it is not permissible for you to stay with him. You have to remind him and scare him with
this. As it was reported in Saheeh Muslim from the hadeeth of Jaabir that the Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
All that stands between a man and shirk and kufr is his giving up prayer. And he also said:
The covenant that separates us from them is salaah, and whoever gives up prayer is a kaafir.
Abd-Allaah ibn Shaqeeq said: the companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him) used not to count the giving up of any action as kufr, apart from prayer. You have to warn your
husband against neglecting the prayer. If he persists, it is not permissible for you to stay with him
because you are a Muslim and he is something else. May Allaah help the Muslims to do what Allaah has
commanded and to obey Him. You have to advise and scare him, and may Allaah bring about good for
him through that.
Q. Ruling on staying with a wife who does not pray
A. According to a saheeh hadeeth, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: The
man is the shepherd of the members of his household and is responsible for his flock. Each of you is a
shepherd and is responsible for his flock. So the man is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. The
most important duty of the shepherd is to guide his flock to obey the commands of Allaah by doing that
which Allaah has enjoined and abstaining from that which He has forbidden. In this way he will be fulfilling
his duty of enjoining what is good and forbidding what is evil. So the husband has to tell his wife to do that
which Allaah has enjoined upon her and he must forbid her to do that which Allaah has prohibited. The
greatest duties that the Muslim must fulfil are the five daily prayers and fasting Ramadaan. These are two
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of the pillars of Islam. The husband must tell his wife to do these things and to observe these two pillars
regularly. It is not permissible for him to be careless in this matter. The same applies to all other obligatory
duties. He must also forbid her to do that which Allaah has forbidden, whether it is words or deeds. If he
sees that she is responding and obeying, then that is what is required. But if she persists in disobeying
then the Muslim man should not stay with her, rather he has to divorce her. How can a Muslim be pleased
with a wife who does not pray or who misses some of the prayers, or does not fast in Ramadaan?
Q. Remaining unmarried for the sake of worship
Allaah has enjoined marriage, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):
And marry those among you who are single (i.e. a man who has no wife and the woman who has no
husband) and (also marry) the Saalihoon (pious, fit and capable ones) of your (male) slaves and maid-
servants (female slaves). If they be poor, Allaah will enrich them out of His Bounty [al-Noor 24:32]
There is the story of the three men who came to ask about the worship of the Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him). When they were told about it, it was as if they thought it was not much.
One of them said, I keep away from women and I will never get married. The Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to this man and to his companions that he (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) fasted and broke his fast, he stayed up praying and slept, and he married women.
Then he said: Whoever turns away from my Sunnah is not of me. Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5063;
Muslim, 1401.
This story indicates that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) warned against the
monasticism practiced by the Jews and Christians, both men and woman.
Q. Can a husband refuse to let his wife visit her parents?
Upholding family ties is obligatory, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
fear Allaah through Whom you demand your mutual (rights), and (and do not cut of the relations of)
the wombs (kinship) [al-Nisa 4:1]
Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
Allaah created His creation, and when He had finished, al-rahm (the tie of kinship) got up. He said, What
is it? Al-rahm said: This is the position of one who is seeking refuge with You from being cut off. He
said, Will you not be pleased if I should take care of the one who takes care of you, and cut off the one
who cuts you off? Al-rahm said, Of course, O Lord. He said, Then it will be so. Abu Hurayrah quoted
(interpretation of the meaning): Would you then, if you were given the authority, do mischief in the land,
and sever your ties of kinship? [Muhammad 47:22]. (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 6948)
The husband should realize that it is not permissible for him to deliberately prevent his wife from visiting
her family and upholding her ties of kinship with them. By the same token, the wife should not exhaust her
husband with frequent trips and expenses that he cannot bear. She should make requests of him
commensurate with his capabilities. It is not permissible for a woman to go out of her husbands house
without his permission, whether to go to her parents or elsewhere, because that has to do with his rights
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over her, unless there is a shari reason that compels her to go out. End quote from Fataawa al-Lajnah al-
Daaimah(19/165).
Another indication that it is essential to have the husbands permission to visit one's parents is the report
narrated in al-Saheehayn about the story of the slander (al-ifk), in which Aaishah (may Allaah be pleased
with her) said to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): Will you give me permission to
go to my parents?
Al-Bukhaari (4141) and Muslim (2770).
Q. Is it allowed for Husband/wife to enquire about the past after getting mari ed?
With regard to the past from which you have repented to Allah, may He be exalted, the fianc or husband
has no right to ask about it. And it is not prescribed for anyone who has fallen into sin to tell anyone else
about it when Allah has concealed him, and he should not expose himself, Allah forbid.
If the fianc or husband insists on asking, you do not have to tell him about what you did before you knew
him.
Q. Is there an expiation to take a false oath about the past sin?
We put this question to Shaykh Abd-Allaah ibn Jibreen (may Allaah preserve him), who answered as
follows:
If she is afraid of negative or harmful consequences, such as divorce or a bad reputation, she can swear
that she did not do it, and seek forgiveness and do lots of good deeds.
She does not have to offer any expiation (kafaarah) because this oath has to do with something which is
in the past, although it involves telling a lie. The kafaarah is sincere repentance. And Allaah knows best.
Shaykh Abd-Allaah ibn Jibreen
Q. Is it necessary to take the permission of the First wife to have a second wife?
A. It is not obligatory for the husband, if he wants to take a second wife, to have the consent of his first
wife, but it is good manners and kindness to deal with her in such a manner that will reduce the hurt
which women naturally feel in such situations. This is done by being kind to her and speaking to her in a
gentle and pleasant manner, and by spending whatever money may be necessary in order to gain her
acceptance of the situation.
Q Who has priority, ones mother or ones wife?
The Muslim should always give preference to his mother, because it says in a hadeeth that a man said to
the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): Who among the people is most deserving of
my good company? He said, Your mother. He asked, Then who? He said, Your mother. He asked,
Then who? He said, Your mother.
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(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5514; Muslim, 4621).
But the wife takes precedence over the mother in one case, and that is the matter of spending. If the
husband cannot afford to spend on both his wife and his mother because he is poor, then in this case he
should put his wife before his mother. The Muslim has to give what is due to each person who has a right
over him, and he has to help the one who is oppressed. If his mother mistreats his wife, he has to put a
stop to it, in a kind and fair manner. And Allaah knows best.
Q. His mother mistreats his wife and her family
A. We must may Allah guide us and you aright inform each party of the rights of the other. The mother
must understand that her sons wife has rights that have been ordained by Allah and taught by the
Messenger of Allah; the wife must understand that the mother has rights ordained by Allah and affirmed
by the Messenger of Allah.
Moreover, each of them must understand that when Allah ordained rights for people, He forbade
mistreatment and enmity, and He forbade transgressing the limits that He has set for His slaves. So what
we must do is adhere to those limits and no one who has been given rights should transgress the limits in
order to transgress against the rights of anyone else.
Q. Should she agree to be a second wife or be patient?
Undoubtedly the way in which many Muslim societies view plural marriage is as a betrayal of the first wife,
or as something for which the husband or second wife are to be blamed. Undoubtedly this is a mistaken
view that is contrary to the law of Allaah, which permits a man to marry up to four wives. Allaah says
(interpretation of the meaning):
then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four [al-Nisa4:3]
The Muslim cannot object to the rulings of Allaah, or think that there is any injustice, transgression or
error in the rulings of Allaah.
Hence we do not agree when a woman says: How can I take the husband from his wife and children?
You are not taking this husband away; rather he has come and proposed to you of his own free will.
Moreover he is going to bear the burden of two families and two households at the same time; he is not
going to leave his first wife and children for your sake, so how can that be taking him away?
For a woman to agree to be a second wife and to put up with some problems from the first wife or the
society around her, is much easier than staying without a husband.
Q. Who is supposed to recite the dua of Intercourse and when?
A. The man should recite the Dua, woman can do it as well but its prescribed for men. He should do it
when he intends to have intercourse and starts as it is makrooh to take Allahs name while doing it.
Note: -
All the Q&As have been taken form islamqa in their precise forms, ppl who want to read details can get it
on the website InshaAllah!
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