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Making love possible: cell phones and
intimate relationships
Grace Khunou
a
a
School of Human and Community Development, University of the
Witwatersrand, Johannesburg, South Africa
Version of record first published: 01 Mar 2012.
To cite this article: Grace Khunou (2012): Making love possible: cell phones and intimate
relationships, African Identities, 10:2, 169-179
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RESEARCH ARTICLE
Making love possible: cell phones and intimate relationships
Grace Khunou*
School of Human and Community Development, University of the Witwatersrand, Johannesburg,
South Africa
(Received 30 March 2010; nal version received 1 July 2011)
The cell phone plays a signicant role in the constitution and maintenance of intimate
relationships. It enables individual women and men to conceive and end relationships
over great distances. It allows them to break the ice on initiation of relationships, whilst
it also softens their sense of appropriate gender roles, language and posture customary
to face to face interactions. Recent research indicates that as much as cell phones
inuence intimate relations they are also equally shaped by social relations. This article
illustrates how the cell phone challenges traditional notions of intimate relationships. It
demonstrates how cell phones aid the commencement of relationships without the fear
of rejection. Moreover, cell phones make breaking-up inconsequential since it can be
done over long distances without the responsibility of having to deal with the hurt and
frustration of the other. Because the cell phone is also seen as a representative of the
self it leads to sensitivities around privacy, thus leading to new kinds of conicts in
relationships. Cell phones, the article concludes, are implicated in already existing
relationship challenges.
Keywords: intimacy; romantic relations; cell phones
Introduction
As society develops and changes, human relations and connections including friendships,
familial relations and romantic involvements also modify. Mobile technological
developments have played and continue to play an important role in facilitating this
change. Of particular interest for this article is the use of the cell phone, as a tool that has
revolutionized society, redening patterns of social contact and relationships among
individuals (Nurallah 2009, p. 19). This revolution has not missed intimate relationships.
Although records of howcell phones have altered these relations are minimal, it has greatly
impacted them. In turn these relations have altered how the cell phone is viewed and used.
The cell phone makes it possible for individuals to be intimate across distances. It
makes intimacy mobile by providing a vehicle for already existing localized notions of
love, and at the same time altering these ideas (Raiti 2007). This mobility does not
however suggest that relationships become homogenous across space and time.
The sociabilityof cell phones is thus animportant marker of its signicance inthe making
and maintenance of social relationships. This article will illustrate how the cell phone is
socially conceived and used in four important ways; rstly as an ice breaker for initiating
ISSN 1472-5843 print/ISSN 1472-5851 online
q 2012 Taylor & Francis
http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/14725843.2012.657860
http://www.tandfonline.com
*Email: grace.khunou@wits.ac.za
African Identities
Vol. 10, No. 2, May 2012, 169179
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new relationships, where it modies an introvert personality into a somewhat extroverted
identity. Secondly, where the quality and intimacy of a relationship is in question, the article
will show that the cell phone in such context is used as a measuring tool to ascertain the
value of the relationship and later to restore worthiness to the relationships. Thirdly, it will
demonstrate howthe cell phone is implicated in the enabling and termination of relationship
trust. Finally, the article will show how the cell phone is fundamentally viewed as personal
and private, and denotes gender differences in how privacy is dened and perceived. These
varied conceptualizations of the cell phone illustrate that it does not lead to homogeneity
but rather facilitates the already existing dynamics in heterosexual relationships.
A brief overview of method
The article is based on interviews conducted with six participants, that is, three women and
three men. These participants were above the age of 30, and are all in steady heterosexual
relationships. At the time of the interview, they each owned and used a cell phone on a daily
basis. All participants were employed within the formal sector. The interviews were
conducted in Diepkloof one of the townships in Soweto South Africa. Diepkloof was built
in 1959 to house the groups of people forcibly removed fromAlexander, a township north of
Johannesburg. In terms of the socio-economic status, Diepkloof has a diverse population.
The interviews lasted between 30 to 45 minutes and were not recorded due to lack of
consent from the participants. I nonetheless took detailed notes. The purpose of the
interviews was explained to participants. They were also required to sign a consent form to
formalize their participation in the study. The interview guide included themes ranging
from the following:
. Uses of their cell phones;
. Sharing of cell phones;
. Advantages and disadvantages of owning a cell phone;
. Misunderstandings/ghts with partners as a result of cell phone;
. Privacy of cell phones;
. Any other cell phone experience/s they might want to share.
In my attempt to make sense of how cell phones impact intimacy, I also examined two
movies by Tyler Perry: Why did I get married (2007) and Why did I get married too (2010).
My rationale for using both interviews and movies was to provide a broad sense of social
life and to demonstrate how cell phones shape intimate relationships and are in turn shaped
by them.
The selected movies feature four couples, with small variations on plot and
characterization. The couples are all friends: namely Marcus and Angela; Terry and Diane;
Patricia and Gavin; and Sheila and Mike. In the latest movie, Sheila is now married to Troy
and has since divorced Mike. The settings are based on marriage retreats that the couples
take annually to try and work on their marital concerns. Central to the retreat is getting the
couples to grapple with answers to the question why did I get married? In trying to show
the various challenges faced in marital relationship Perry (2007, 2010) illustrates through
the different relationships how a lack of communication, secrets, lies, lack of time and
indelity could create tension in marriage. The cell phone is featured as an instrument that
adds another dynamic in terms of how couples address their relational problems. These
movies were chosen because of their ability to illustrate how the cell phone is implicated in
existing relationship issues and how these shape relations to the cell phone. Consequently
they illustrate that cell phones are not independent of social phenomena, but can connect or
G. Khunou 170
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disconnect people, and also mediate and shape relationships (Pertiera 2005), as their use
and usefulness is redened and shaped by social actors.
Once again, such an analysis is important and valid because images from television,
advertising and cinema inuence how we see particular social issues (McNeil and
Chapman 2005). Marvasti (2004) quoted in McNeil and Chapman (2005, p. 166) argues
that the process of using cinematic images and television programmes to analyse social
life is called visual sociology. This suggests that cinema and television does more than
entertain. They also provide cultural guides on how members of society should relate to
each other (Denzin 1995, cited in McNeil and Chapman 2005, p. 166) and it also mirrors
how they actually relate to each other.
Cell phone use in South Africa
Most research on cell phone use in South Africa and the rest of the African continent has
been on cell phones and their impact on development, empowerment and access (Skuse and
Cousins 2008, Buskens and Esterhuysen 2004). These studies have been encouraged by the
growing ownership and access to telecommunications in the country, despite the fact that
cell phone services were only introduced in 1994 (Brown et al., 2003; Skuse and Cousins
2008). The CIA 2011 World Fact Book states that 45,000,000 people have access to cell
phones in South Africa. Skuse and Cousinss (2008) research in Khayelitsha Township
illustrates that cell phones are often shared among a variety of people in the household
and/or community. In addition, this study also found that cell phones were used to receive
calls whereas public phones were preferred when making calls since they are cheaper.
Conceptualizing intimate relationships and cell phones
According to Goggin (2006) cell phones should be seen primarily as a technology. However,
he maintains that as much as technology shapes social phenomena, social happenings also
shape technology. He further suggests that in order for researchers to comprehend the use
of technology, it is important to undertake investigations that will throw light on the nature
of both technology and society. Without denying that cell phones are a technology, Goggin
(2006, p. 27) reminds us that cell phones are no less cultural because the uptake and use
of the mobile technologies are dependent crucially on the local social context. This is
important because it opens up space to see the cell phone in its multi-faceted ways,
acknowledging that it is a dynamic device that is always technically and socially changing
within specic social contexts.
The vibrancy of cell phones is illustrated by the manner in which its mobility has
transformed communication and alsoblurred the distinction betweenvarious communication
technologies. According to Pertiera (2005, p. 25), the interconnectivities of mobile
telephony, desktop computers, radio, television and print are producing newcommunication
structures with often unpredictable consequences. Its dynamism is also illustrated by the
various ways in which it is dened and used. It is viewed as a personalized device; a fashion
tool; a source of news; a status symbol; an opportunity for extending networks of intimacy
(Raiti 2007); a communication tool (Nurallah 2009) that frees individuals from the
grip of tradition. For young people, and those in Pertieras (2005) study, the cell phone
encourages themto explore the world beyond their local boundaries. It therefore encourages
notions of individualism and presents relative freedom from earlier collective constraint
(Pertiera 2005).
Against this backdrop, the mobile nature of the cell phone makes its possession and use
closely linked to ideas about the self. Even so, because the self is always in ux and
African Identities 171
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constantly changing, the cell phone is thus equally changeable. An iTouch South African
survey quoted by Gilham and van Belle (2005, p. 479) reveals that, youngsters were
changing their ring tones as often as 10 times a year and that personalisation of the cell
phone is one of the more popular activities. This shows how the movement of the self is
projected onto the cell phone and thus changes how it connects to the changing individual.
Nurallah (2009) in his analysis of youth studies sees the cell phone as an agent of social
change and argues that the cell phone is also a tool used to shape individual identity.
According to Pertiera (2005, p. 25) cell phones, closely resemble tools or prosthetic
devices as extensions of the body. They become extensions of the hand, allowing us to
connect, anytime, anywhere with anybody. Bodies themselves become writing devices.
One point that Pertiera seems to overlook, however; is that at the same time as this device is
connecting its users to those absent it might at the same time be disconnecting them from
those assumed to be close enough. Raiti (2007) shows that as we clamour for more intimacy
with those who are absent and far we might be unconsciously disconnected from those who
are present and physically close. This contradictory nature of cell phones illustrates that,
technologies can aid in stimulating intimacy or they can replace some components of
intimacy (Raiti 2007, p. 189).
Cell phones and intimate relationships
Intimacy is usually dened as a sense of closeness and warmth that individuals feel
towards someone they love. Moss and Schwebel (1993, p. 31) argue that, the level of
intimacy that individuals experience within relationships exerts a profound inuence on
their social development, personal adjustment, and physical health. This indicates that
where levels of intimacy are low the individual might suffer some psycho-social setbacks.
Although intimacy might be experienced in a variety of interpersonal relationships, it is
mostly associated with romantic relationships in Western societies (Greenberg et al. 1986,
quoted in Moss and Schwebel 1993). In this article intimacy is used to signify that sense of
closeness felt in romantic relationships.
Tretheweg and Lang (2010) argue that we differ in terms of building this sense of
closeness. He comments, the way people develop intimacy itself is far more debatable. As
technologies change, intimacys denition does as well (Tretheweg and Lang 2010, p. 2).
Thus technology will work with what is socially available and acceptable to some extent.
Additionally, exchange theorists showthat social and personal relationships are commercial
arrangements in which participants calculate rewards, costs and outcomes to determine
whether to remain involved or not. In contrast Wood and Duck (1995) assert that, in the
private sphere of home and family, different ethics have been central to relationships.
They argue that communality replaces individuality, particularly in Hispanic and black
families studied in their research. They show that in these families cooperation eclipses
competition as a way of doing things (Wood and Duck 1995, p. 18). Although there might be
an element of truth that personal and intimate relationships are governed by much more than
economic exchange, blindly arguing that black and Hispanic families are governed by
co-operation and communality could be viewed as a token of cultural/racial essentialism
(Khunou 2007). In her study of fatherhood and child support in Johannesburg, Khunou
(2007) asserts that in situations where there have been historical changes, hybridization of
cultures and economic hardships, the idea of the household as unied is erroneous.
On another level, Wood and Duck (1995) note that intimate relationships are always
assumed to be normal only when they are positive, that is when they adhere to hegemonic
norms. This is so even when such norms are in question. Wood and Duck (1995, p. 15)
G. Khunou 172
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make a case that this tendency to obscure or pathologize less pleasant types of interaction
yield a false model that invites scholars, students, and laypersons to assume unrealistic
standards for relationships and normality. They point out that disregarding the dark side of
interaction or separating it from normal, ongoing relationships is misleading and limiting
to the complexities of personal relationships (Wood and Duck 1995, p. 15). This article will
show that the use of cell phones illustrates both the dark and positive side of intimate
relationships. The use of cell phones is as complex and dynamic as intimate relationships
themselves. Similar to all social life experiences, no matter how it is experienced, love
is a social construction, and one into which a good deal of cultural work is crammed
(Allan 1993, p. 17). This makes love a complicated and uncertain endeavour.
Problems, conict and unloving feelings should be viewed as part of normal
relationships. Again Wood and Duck (1995, p. 17) insist that less than pleasant, less than
loving thoughts, feelings, and interactions lace most normal enduring relationships. This,
they argue, runs counter to general tendencies to view conict, for instance, as a deviation
from intimacy, and problems as impediments to closeness (Wood and Duck 1995, p. 17).
Wood and Duck (1995, p. 15) argue that because problems, and tensions are ever present
in relationships, dening and responding to them is a continuous activity in normal
relationships. As a result, it is important to look at relationships as ongoing processes
where people respond to a variety of changing circumstances. The cell phone with its
various functions can facilitate this process.
The sociality of cell phones: presentation and discussion of ndings
In both interviews and movies, I found that the cell phone did not bring a new way of
relating in intimate relationships of the participants interviewed and the couples depicted
in the movies analysed. I found that it intensied already existing relationship issues and
was thus dened in relation to the concerns already affecting the particular relationship.
For Sipho, a man in his late thirties, married with one child, the cell phone was an
important ice-breaker when he wanted to initiate an intimate relationship with a woman he
thought might not be attracted to him. This then makes the cell phone an ideal medium for
the extension and exploration of new subjectivities outside the constraints of everyday
face to face life (Pertiera 2005). For Angela, in the lm Why I got married too, the cell
phone was an important tool, since it provided her with the hope and space to act out the
existing lack of trust in her relationship. By demanding the password to Marcuses cell
phone, she wanted to use the cell phone as a monitoring tool to assess and evaluate his
activities according to her ideas of trust and to thus re-establish the lost trust. According to
researchers on the use of technology and cell phones in particular, these varied uses and
engagement with the cell phone are not surprising. Cell phones are shown to be used to suit
individual peoples varied lifestyles and needs. Again Raiti (2007) illustrates that,
technology provides a vehicle for already existing localized notions of love whereas it
also alters them. This was a common theme among those I interviewed.
Cell phones and quality of relationship
Scene 1 of Why did I get married (2007) illustrates how couples in an intimate relationship
will relate to their cell phones when there are issues around the quality of their
relationship. In this scene, Terry and Diane are depicted taking a long drive to their annual
marriage retreat. Initially they appeared happy and casually chatting about their daughter.
All this alters when Dianes cell phone rings. When this happens, Terrys facial expression
changes and suddenly an argument ensues. On the surface, it seems the argument is about
African Identities 173
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the cell phone. However, on closer analysis it turns out that the cell phone is implicated in
order to mask deep underlying relationship problems. In the following extract, the mobile
nature of the cell phone complicates the life of this couple:
Diane: Terry you know we shouldnt have left Katy at home, she is just getting over that cold.
Terry: Baby I keep telling you shes ne.
Diane: How do you know?
Terry: Im a pediatrician, medical degree.
Diane: Yeah, you are the same pediatrician who told her it was okay for her to play soccer on
the coldest day of the year (smiling with a twinkle in her eye).
Terry: Yes I did.
Diane: Aha!
Terry: There we argue about this already.
Diane: Whos arguing? Its a debate (Just at this moment Dianes cell phone starts ringing).
Terry: (He moves his gaze from the road and looks at Diane) That is going to cause a debate.
Diane: (Diane looks at Terry with a frown implying that she has had this discussion before)
Its Monica calling.
Terry: Its always Monica calling.
(Diane continues her conversation on her cell phone she asks the caller if they have got the
information on the case she is working on she is a lawyer she goes on to say that they
should email it to her, and that she will check it when she gets to the house, on hearing this
Terry protests)
Terry: No Diane you are not checking emails when you get to the house, we are on vacation.
Diane: Terry, Terry (she is still on the phone with Monica).
Terry: You know we have been on the truck hours and you have been on the phone, can you
get off the phone? Please. And spend some time with your husband.
Diane: You have your own control issues (giving him a nasty look).
Terry: Control? Diane dont start, I dont have any control issues.
Diane: I think its silly, I mean weve been in this truck for hours, I just thought. Ill get a little
work done, I dont . . .
Terry: The reason weve been in this truck for hours is because Im trying to spend time with
my wife (Pause). Dont you understand that? Let me ask you a question, when was the last
time we spend this much time together?
Diane: We both work 12 hour days, you know that.
Terry: No, No, You work 12 hours a day, Im home by ve.
Diane: Well so am I most days.
Terry: But youve got these emails coming in, youve got the phone ringing all the time. I cant
get any time with you. Youre doing these drive-by meetings with our daughter.
Diane: That is not fair, I am a good mother, I draw the line right there, I cant believe . . . that
was hurtful.
G. Khunou 174
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Terry: Diane, I am not saying you are not a good mother, that is not what I am saying to you
but I think your priorities are in the wrong place thats all Im saying to you baby. (Diane picks
up her phone and starts dialling).
Terry: Diane, we are talking, youre picking up the phone (at this point Terry gives Diane the,
you want to make me lose my mind kind of look) are you listening to me?
Diane: I hear you (mockingly).
Terry: Yeah, but are you listening.
Diane: Oh Okay, Okay you know what. Just you and me this weekend; just the two of us. You
happy now (she switches phone off and throws it into her bag, and gives him a nasty look, at
the same time Terry is making these facial expressions showing that he is not happy with her).
Terry: Will see what kind of weekend this is going to be.
This conversation between Terry and Diane illustrates an incident where the cell phone
makes the absent present (Pertiera 2005). Dianes work seems to take precedent even when
she is supposed to be on vacation with her husband and friends. This extract shows the
blurring of boundaries between presence and absence and how this can impact on already
strained relationships. The conversation also demonstrates that although Terry and Diane
have spent hours together, Terry does not feel closer to Diane. Raiti (2007) maintains that
being in the same room or close space with someone does not make two people more
intimate than when on the phone. Here the assumption that proximity is synonymous to
intimacy is understandably questioned.
In scene two, Terry and Diane have arrived at their vacation destination. Terry comes out
of the kitchen with a bottle of wine and two glasses and calls out to Diane. Since she does not
respond, he walks up-stairs tocall her, onlytondDiane asleep withher laptopopen. Her cell
phone rings upon Terrys entry into the room he picks it up to discover that it is Monica
(Dianes assistant). He instructs her not to phone Diane while they are on vacation. By
answering Dianes phone and ordering Monica to refrain from calling Diane, Terry is
invading Dianes privacy and thus violates her personal space. This invasion is likely to ruin
Dianes relationshipwithMonica andthe image she has built at her workplace. This intrusion
further demonstrates that the idea of the cell phone as private and personal is uid. These
conceptions of the cell phone depend on who is talking and the context they are referring to.
The question is whether Terry was wrong to order Monica not to call when they are on
vacation. What are the limits of intimate others like husbands in relationto their partners cell
phones? Should they stand around and let the ship sink for fear of being inappropriate?
AccordingtoHertleinandStevenson(2010), one of the challenges for over involvement with
technology including cell phones may be neglect of household responsibilities or the
maintenance of relationships. Clearly, Terrys actions are a call for help, a call for attention
from Diane who is always at work even when she is physically with him.
Cell phones and relationship trust
On analysis of the movie Why I got married too, I found that it illustrates that cell phones
are an important and constant part of the making and, at times, breaking of these
relationships. In this movie, the cell phone is again played out in relation to already
existing issues in Marcus and Angelas relationship in which there is lack of trust as a result
of past indelity. This couple is shown at the beginning of the movie as constantly in
disagreement. Angela does not trust Marcus because of his previous indelity. She is also
concerned that his new job as a sport commentator puts him in the public eye and could
make him interact with other women. These issues are typical in intimate relationships,
African Identities 175
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especially where trust is in question. However, how the cell phone is used redened the
intensity of these issues for these two characters.
Again the movie goes on to show that Angelas issues with Marcus also emanate from
what I will call peer pressure or expectations from Marcus in an earlier scene Angela is
shown having a discussion with her girlfriends about their cell phone issues with their
husbands. She was not happy to nd that all three of her friends had access to their
husbands cell phone passwords and or could answer their husbands cell phones without
a consequence. She also bases her argument for wanting access to Marcuses cell phone
password on trust. She does not trust him, therefore to gain trust she must have access to
his cell phone. The following extract from scene eight of the movie illustrate that lack of
trust in a relationship redenes individual relations to the cell phone and ideas of privacy
assumed around cell phone possession:
At the beginning of the scene Marcus is shown reading and writing a text message on
his cell phone while Angela is lying in bed reading a book. When Marcus nishes with
his cell phone he puts it away and gets into bed. Then the following conversation starts
between Angela and Marcus:
Angela: Marcus what do you have to hide?
Marcus: Honey, how many times do I have to tell you, nothing, why dont you just drop it?
Angela: Because your name is spelled out s-n-e-a-k-y, sneaky.
Marcus: Look, I am not giving you my password.
Angela: Why?
Marcus: Because youve got to trust me.
Angela: Marcus you remember Keasha, and the Penicillin shot? Why the hell should I trust
you?
Marcus: Baby that has been over three years. Have I given you any reason to doubt me since?
Angela: Yeah, since you wont give me the password to your cell phone . . . You know what?
Let me nd out you are messing around with some chick.
Marcus: Listen I am not talking to you about this anymore.
Angela: Why not?
Marcus: Because you are crazy?
Angela: I am crazy?
Marcus: Yes.
Angela: But every time we go to dinner, you lay your cell phone face down on the table, and
when you get text messages you read them away from me like you just did and then you come
home from work late all the time.
Marcus: I have late games; I am in locker rooms late [Marcus works as a sport commentator].
Angela: You know what, there must be some real feminine football player, because you come
home smelling of cheap perfume with lip stick on your collar.
Marcus: You know what, I am going to sleep, I cant do this (he curls up and looks away
from her).
Angela: Marcus! You are not going to sleep; I want the password to your cell phone. Marcus! I
want that password. Do you know that Diane [one of their friends] has the password to Terrys
cell phone?
G. Khunou 176
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In this extract lack of trust in this relationship is transferred to the cell phone. Trust has
been argued to be a central ingredient in building interpersonal relations and as a
foundation for building cooperation with others (Lewicki et al., 1998, p. 438). It is,
however, more important for the maintenance and sustenance of intimate relationships,
which Moss and Schwebel (1993, p. 36) assert is what, most individuals seek and work to
achieve in their lives. This explains why it was problematic for Angela to bring back some
trust and thus intimacy into her relationship with Marcus. Somewhere in the movie she
says that she is trying to make the relationship work. Again similar to Terry and Dianes
case, Angelas actions are a cry for help.
However, what is interesting with Angela and Marcuses case is that the cell phone
is seen as the source of their problems and again as the answer to their troubles. Angelas
insistence on getting access to Marcuses cell phone password will allow her to monitor his
movements and thus bring trust back into their relationship. We see the idea of minimizing
the privacy associated with cell phone here being able to assist with conict resolution
(Hertlein and Stevenson 2010). The cell phone is also shown in the above extract to be at
the centre of the conict in the rst place where misunderstandings resulting from cell
phone use disrupted the couples communication (Hertlein and Stevenson 2010).
The cell phone as private
The majority of the women and men I interviewed gave a general sense that the cell phone
was a personal and private devise. However, there seemed to be differences in terms of
how the men and women I interviewed dened what they meant by privacy. Their varied
conception of privacy and whether their partners could use, answer or check their
messages was based on previous experiences in previous relationships and/or in existing
relationships. For Dee, a 35-year-old mother of two, the cell phone was private and she felt
that it is not something to be shared between partners because you might end up getting
information that you might regret. She said:
My cell phone is something personal, if your partner scrolls down your phone they might come
across something that might hurt them. I do not think it is something to be shared between
partners. I do not want my partner to use my cell phone. I think it is something personal; for
example; I have friends who sms me personal stuff about their love lives and other things if
he sees those things that, they do he might think I am doing them too. So we might end up
getting into a ght that we could have avoided . . . It is the same with listening to conversations
your partner is having with others on their phone, you might end up ghting and suspecting
them especially if you hear that they are talking to a woman. (Interview with author)
In agreement, V a 40-year-old woman who has been in her current relationship for almost
three years says that cell phones should be used with care between partners. For her, this is
especially true when they do not trust each other or when they want to avoid being hurt.
She stated her point thus:
Cell phones are personal, if you use your partners phone you will end up nding wrong things.
Cell phones can lead to ghts. Once my colleague called me and my partner took it badly. We
were able to resolve the misunderstanding because my colleague just wanted to remind me to
bring him cakes from the lady who usually sells us cakes. (Interview with author)
Surprisingly, for Sipho, a 37-year-old man in a three year old relationship, the cell phone is
personal but not private to the person he loves. He says that once you talk about it as
private to your partner then you have something to hide. Although he thinks everyone
should own their own individual cell phone, he also believes that the cell phone is
something that can be shared, for example when one has airtime and the other does not.
This sentiment of sharing is also echoed in the ndings of Skuse and Cousins (2008).
African Identities 177
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Sipho also believes that there is nothing wrong with answering your partners phone when
they are away. He also adds that there might be misunderstandings in cases where one
receives calls or suspicious texts from other women:
it is not a problem when she can use it to make calls, or to answer it when I am out of the room.
I do not mind her checking my messages, there is nothing to hide especially with the person
I love. (Interview with author)
Breaking the ice: creating the foundation for face to face communication
Sipho talked about how the cell phone played an important role in getting him together
with his present partner. Through the use of short message services (sms), they were able
to get a sense that their friendship was ready to be taken to another level. Apparently,
Sipho was timid of communicating his feelings face to face. His fear was that, he might
mess up the opportunity of creating a relationship. Furthermore, he was afraid that should
his advances not be positively received, he might potentially ruin an already working
friendship. As a result the sms enabled him to convey his feelings without having to deal
with the consequences associated with face to face talk. He said:
If it was not for this amazing tool (holding up his cell phone) this woman will not be seating
next to me at the moment (with a broad smile on his face). (Interview with author)
The cell phone here is shown to not only make the absent present and connect people; it also
provides themwith opportunities to do what they might not be able to do if their only option
was to do it face to face. This seems to resonate with the ndings of Pertiera (2005) in his
study of mobile phones in the Philippines where his participants illustrated that they text
what they would not normally say in a face to face encounter. Pertiera (2005, p. 27) found
that this phenomenon leads, to new ways of relating with others as well as opened areas of
inner subjective reection. Newand radical identities become possible. For Sipho, the cell
phone proved to be a personality transforming instrument, where his shyness was altered
into assertiveness. Yet again texting was found to be cheap and an, effective way to relay
basic information. Its informal nature also lends itself to novel uses, from sending
greetings, to initiating friendships, to mending misunderstanding (Pertiera 2005, p. 42). In
the case of Siphos experiences, texting is also critical for initiating intimate relationships
where face to face initiation was seen as stressful and an impediment.
Conclusion
This article has, through a review of literature on the conception of the cell phone as
a technology, and intimate relationships and cell phones shown that the cell phone is
not experienced in heterogeneous ways. Again through an analysis of two movies and
a discussion of interviews the article also illustrated that the usefulness of the cell phone
for intimate relationships varies at different times in different social settings. The
article denotes how the cell phone is implicated in already existing relationship challenges,
by making the absent present and thus questioning the link of proximity to intimacy.
In addition the discussion has illustrated that, although the cell phone might be viewed as
private, this changes depending on circumstances, still considering such an instrument as
private might lead to conicts in relationships. The article also demonstrated how the
cell phone can transform and thus enable initiation of relationships without the usual rules
and stresses of face to face interaction. It can thus be concluded that, technologies can aid
in stimulating intimacy or they can lead to conict and misunderstandings.
G. Khunou 178
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Notes on contributor
Grace Khunou is a senior lecturer in the School of Human and Community Development at the
University of the Witwatersrand, South Africa. A sociologist with research interests in gender and
social policy, health and masculinities, she is also interested in a variety of social issues ranging from
intimate relationships to the black middle class.
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