Learning to enjoy Living (this article is copyrighted)

“We often assume our children will do most of their learning either automatically, or
at school, learning the three R’s, “ says Valerie Davies, of Kidicorp’s Bright Start
magazine.

But there’s one form of learning which is now considered to be higher on the list of
intelligences than any other, and it’s called emotional intelligence.

Princess Diana was probably the greatest role model for this form of intelligence,
which is displayed through an empathy with other people, the ability to connect with
them, and make them feel good, and an instinct for knowing the right thing to say or
do when others are under stress.

Sadly she didn’t possess the other half of this sort of wisdom, which is being able to
connect with your own deepest feelings, and cope with them, to have an emotional
stability and innate calmness and wisdom to help you navigate through the challenges
and stresses of normal life.

This emotional stability is the gift which parents give their children. It has nothing to
do with inheriting family characteristics, it is all to do with the actual way we choose
to show our children how we love them.
And it starts in the womb, ideally with a wanted child, and a tranquil unstressed
pregnancy.

There has long been a belief that what happens to babies either in the womb or after,
doesn’t matter, because they don’t remember, and they don’t have intelligence or
feelings. But all the latest scientific research has blown these comforting beliefs away.
We now know for example, that babies smile in the womb (remember that old belief
that baby smiles were just wind? How would you feel when you smiled at someone,
and they asked if you had a gassy stomach?)

We also know that by talking to the baby in the womb, we start to connect with him
or her, and connection is an important part of building an emotional relationship with
anyone. Babies who are happy in the womb already have a reservoir of emotional
well-being by the time they are born.

This is not the place to discuss birth practises, but the more tranquil the birth is, the
more tranquil the baby will be. A long and traumatic birth inevitably affects both
mother and baby, and when it has been difficult, the baby needs lots of holding and
soothing, and allowing him to release the fear and pain of the birth... a “fussy “baby is
probably doing just this. The more a troubled baby is held and comforted, the quicker
he recovers, and the quicker he learns to understand that he will always get the
support he needs.
This means a mother is building trust in her baby. When a helpless baby knows that
his parents will always be there when he needs them, he begins to develop emotional
strength. This means he begins to learn self- confidence, a sense of calm, emotional
resilience, and with these things embedded in his consciousness, he learns to enjoy
and trust life.
A baby who is held when he cries does not become” a rod for your own back”, as I
was threatened by a nurse, but instead, a happy baby who feels calm and confident.
Babies who are cuddled and comforted when they cry, hardly cry at all by the age of
one year, whereas, babies left to cry and fend for themselves are fretful and miserable
at the same age.

Leaving children to cry to get them to sleep, or punish them, is considered so

detrimental to childrens’ health that the Australian Association of Infant Mental
Health published a paper condemning the practise, saying this isn’t good for
childrens’ emotional and psychological health, and often has detrimental effects. It
stands to reason that it breaks a child’s trust in his parent’s love for him. Parents who
are tuned in to their child’s needs find it agonising to leave a child to cry, and their
instinct is right.

Sleepless or anxious parents, trying to do the “right” thing, feel just as bad, trying to
do such an unnatural and unkind thing to their child. Many experts now say that
leaving a child alone in his cot, expecting him or her to go to sleep is un-natural -that
old fashioned rocking, cuddling, singing, relax a baby so he can sleep in peace.

Building emotional strength then, begins from the moment of conception. But it goes
on all through the child’s life, and it’s never too late to start. Children of all ages are
always learning. If you gaze into your new-born’s eyes you will see his or her alert
little intelligence, picking up cues, and immediately after birth, a baby is particularly
alert. Already he knows his mother.

By connecting to the baby with loving sounds, touch and feelings, all children then
learn how to connect for themselves. And connection is the essence of all
relationships from the cradle to the grave. A new baby will only be able to concentrate
for a very short time, but as children grow older, they will give you their cues. If you
are sensitive to them, they will be sensitive to you and to all other people.

Even a baby can distinguish anger, impatience, or other harsher emotions in his or
mother’s voice. So the tones of voice matter as much to a baby as our actions. A tone
of voice sets the tone for the relationship, so kindness and softness are the appropriate
qualities for babies to experience with adults.

This gentle inter-acting with love, and understanding builds the foundations of
emotional intelligence, and the ability to be kind to others, and to be kind to oneself,
which is the basis of mental health.

And this sort of emotional connection, based on love, trust, consistency, and
continuing kindness, means that relationships develop between parents and child
which don’t require the use of that hard word, discipline. Teaching a child emotional
intelligence leads to other qualities which make life easier, like cooperation.

So far, we’ve discussed the pre-verbal stage of emotional intelligence. There are
enormous opportunities to build a strong confident character on this sound base, but
according to some experts, many children no longer have access to this inner calm
and wisdom. So many parents are too rushed and stressed to spend the extra time
required to nurture this inner strength in their child. And usually, it’s not because they
lack the will, but they don’t know how to.