Lotsa stuf's changed, Buck.

Steve tells him, looking up from the bench, up at Bucky perched on the arm. Up
likelike before. Before before, 'cause there's history layered over history no!,
the fucking politics of time a ne! ballgame entirely.
"nd yeah, Bucky kno!s this# he's glimpsed the !orld in snapshots enough to
catalogue the changes. $he biggest ones, any!ay. "nd the small, !hen he
could, 'cause they all mattered to him, even to the asset, in imprecise,
insubstantial !ays.
%ou al!ays say that but you never tell me !hat.
Steve gives him an odd look, like Bucky's thro!n him of his guard and !ith
!hat& $hree !ords& 'oesn't take much no!, apparently. (ell it's, y'kno!.
)r it doesn't take much !here Bucky's concerned, and he *les a!ay this little
fact and tries to recall its permanence, !hether or not it's another thing sub+ect
to entropy.
,o, not really.
(hat - mean is, Steve mutters, .oundering or something. 'id he al!ays
.ounder& Bucky's got memories to spare, so much congealed, drifting chaos,
but he has no memories of that. (here d'you start !ith an entire universe&
Bucky !inds the end of his scarf around his hand and Steve +erks into motion,
an abortive slide across the three feet or so of bench bet!een them like he's
gonna reach out and snatch the damn scarf a!ay. -nstead he makes a *st and
balls it against his thigh# anger, then, is Steve's reaction to that small lapse of
control.
Bucky logs that information a!ay toohe tells himself he !ould any!ay, even
if could s!itch it of.
(hat he !ouldn't care to notice is the e/act color of the si/ "0 clouds
threatening rain or the %orkie yapping across the grass, the !ays those t!o
things could impair his vision or thro! of his hearing. " shopkeeper's voice
carries from t!o hundred yards a!ay, a car door slams some!here, Bucky's
breath keeps catching on the details, brain !orking relentlessly to sort,
interpret and *le each and every one1 safe, potential threat, suspect,
debilitating, e/hausting, exhaustingon and on
Bucky&
2e !ants to say, 2it me, and damn if that's not entirely fucked up, but the
solid slug of a *st is one helluva reset s!itch. 2e doesn't think Steve !ould see
it that !ay though, unless that's another thing that's changed.
Bucky thinks, maybe, he +ust !ants Steve to touch him. Because he !on't, he
hasn't once since they started sitting on this bench !eeks ago, and Bucky's
sense of intimacy is s!allo!ed up in the bigger picture, lost and aching and
seventy years on he !as still *ghting hand to *st and it !as only after he
reali3ed !hy. 2e !ants to kno! if Steve touched him a lot and he thinks he
could !ork it out if Steve !ould +ust fucking do it already, stop acting like
Bucky's a stranger !hilst insisting he's not.
Steve's all tortured control and fraying thread, reminds Bucky of thin cord
!rapped tight around struggling limbs. -t never occurs to Bucky to +ust ask#
asking for things he !ants is another thing s!allo!ed up !hole.
(e could start small if it's all too much for you, Bucky dra!ls.
Steve's mouth curves up at one corner and that's familiar. %eah, poor me, this
is real di4cult.
Bucky's kindor he !as kind and that means he's capable of itand he doesn't
point out that Steve looks like di4cult ran over him and then spun its !heels a
fe! times for good measure. "ny!ay, Bucky looks !orse. Like a ghost, he
thinks sometimes# !hich is *tting.
(hatever, another time maybe
Bucky makes to stand up and Steve does that +erky, not5entirely5thoughtful
lurch again.
6rab me, come on, - kno! you !anna, is !hat Bucky doesn't say. - got
places to be, is !hat he does.
Steve doesn't ask !here, +ust looks up at Bucky some more, e/pression on his
face a battle*eld. 2e's damn pretty, Bucky thinks, !hen he reali3es he's
cataloguing the fucking curve of Steve's eyelashes, the upturned line of his
stubbled +a!. $he stubble is ne! but !as he al!ays pretty& -t can't be
something Bucky's only +ust noticing# he remembers doing dumb shit but he
!as never stupid.
Looks like there's stuf they both ain't saying.
Bucky stands feeling far taller than he is, kind of looming over Steve, and his
brain shorts out or something, there's an audible snap inside his skull like he
*nally broke and he feels like he's soaring or free5falling, the ground under him
coming apart, can't hear the dog barking or the tra4c chugging by or the
contrail hiding the plane thousands of feet up.
2e reaches out and presses the back of t!o knuckles against Steve's ne! new
stubble, !hat the fuck is he doing
Steve .inches like he's been slapped. Bucky, you alright&
2e might be s!aying a little but Steve still !on't
Bucky grips his chin, angles his face up and leans lo!. 2e could +ustbut he
doesn't. 7uck you, 8ogers, he spits, venomous, unsteady !ith actual emotion
instead of +ust shades.
$hey'd called it shell shock seventy years ago but it's got a diferent name no!
and Bucky's read up, carefully logged a!ay the symptoms +ust in case.
Steve's got it too, Bucky can read it in every line# delayed and 9uiet but there,
strongest damn person Bucky's ever kno!n and together they !ere supposed
to be unstoppable, they !ere for a bit, but this !orld isn't kind to men like
Steve no matter ho! many times he dies for it. ,ot kind to men like Bucky
either but Bucky didn't live in the sunlight, a !hole canyon and he still didn't
have as far to fall.
2e says it again, 7uck you, and dredges up some bitterness, some bile, +ust
to thro! in Steve's face.
Bucky.
2is name in Steve's voice feels like getting doused in petrol. Bucky turns and
!alks a!ay, kno!ing Steve !on't let him, and it's dirty and underhanded but it
!orks, Steve +ogs to catch up, settles into a s!ift !alk at his side.
(hy don't - sho! you&
2o! about this, !hy don't you fucking touch me& Bucky snaps. 2e !ouldn't
have *ve minutes ago, he'd keep a lid on it until he died, but it's like he's t!o
people, t!o e/tremes !ith nothing in bet!een.
" long pause and then, Buck, !hat they did to you, Steve says, emphatic and
tinged !ith anger, like he's used the silence to !ork himself up. - don't even
-'m no psychologist, okay& - don't kno! !hat's okay and !hat's not. 2ell, -'m
still ama3ed !e're even speaking right no!.
Bucky's sort of vibrating out of his skin, putting one foot in front of another +ust
to keep the solid thunk of the ground under him.
Steve hates in+ustice# that's never changed. "mount of times he got his ass
beat over one thing or another, Bucky's heart ratcheting up into his throat,
counting the steps until he could get close enough to put himself bet!een
Steve and !hatever guy he'd taken an issue !ith this time. But the issue this
time is intangible, it's a nameless, faceless lingering threat and even :aptain
"merica can't put it in its place. Bucky's got no chance.
- feel like you're gonna disappear or something, like a hallucination.
Bucky s!ings his shoulders, puts both palms against Steve's chest and shoves.
8eal enough for you&
Steve's back hits a !all but it's not !hat Bucky wants, he !ants
" .esh5and5blood hand against the grit beside Steve's head, thin line of heat
fogging the air bet!een them.
2e looks steady enough but there's a tell in his voice, a little catching tremble.
- told you -'m not gonna *ght you.
,o, you'd sooner !atch me !ith that 6oddamn kicked5puppy look on your
face, treatin' me like -'m not myself, like - don't already kno! that, Bucky
gro!ls, metal hand closing in the front of Steve's shirt. (hat are you gonna
do, Steve&
- honestly have no idea.
Steve's voice breaks, bleeding honestly like an open !ound, and Bucky goes
!ith it, shake of his bones *nally seeping through his muscles. 2e drops his
head to Steve's collarbone right there in the open, barely hidden of the path,
and he doesn't have to ask this time, Steve tugs gracelessly at his scarf, shakes
it loose and buries his hand in the hair at the back of Bucky's neck.
2e goes !eak, falling into Steve's bulk, the !armth of skin shocking, tripping
him up.
:an -& Steve asks and Bucky nods against him, !hatever, anything, and he
feels Steve's *ngers under his shirt, spreading across his naked spine, and
Steve pressing against him every!here, close as hell. 2e digs his *ngertips into
Bucky's skin like he's got a score to settle, frayed thread *nally snapping, no
more bruised looks or almost5touches +ust bruising hands and fnally.
Bucky groans, a fe! formless vo!els and, )h, God, and he feels completely
dysfunctional, a useless machine put out to pasture, breathing damp syllables
against Steve's throat and gripping his sides, holding on.
;very!here Steve touches him goes shivery, a s!eet, satisfying ache. -t's +ust a
hug for fucks sake, but Bucky's feverish, brain in.amed, it feels like getting
shocked by the chair but instead of kno!ledge disappearing it's assaulting him.
$hey did this a lot, then. Before.
2e needs to pull his shit together.
%'kno!, he croaks, untangling his damn self from Steve's arms. 2e slumps
back against the !all at Steve's side, shoulder to shoulder. - never used to get
tired but -'m fucking al!ays e/hausted no!. Sick of it.
Steve slants him a look that, for once, isn't !eighed do!n !ith seventy years of
guilt and grief. %ou tried a multivitamin&
" !hat&
%ou kno! like ho! the old boys !ho !ent to sea got scurvy& $hey found a !ay
to bottle that stuf into pills, it's ama3ing.
Bucky blinks, a bubble of hysteria itching the back of his throat. "ll the
universe and you start !ith scurvy&
Steve shrugs, smirking. %ou love random little facts, shut up.
2e hears the missing used to and !ants to press in close again, do something
unspeakable. 2e *sts his hands against the !all at his back, skin and metal
scraping against rough brick. -t's misty, he reali3es. ,ot 9uite rain. -t
considerably impairs his vision but he can see Steve and that matters too,
matters a !hole lot. $hings happened !hile he !asn't looking, the yapping dog
!ent a!ay, a guy came to empty the trash bins, it started to 6oddamn mist,
and Bucky didn't notice any of it.
$ell me s'more, then& he asks, sorta but it's good enough for no!.
Steve nods. Bucky sees him s!allo! out the corner of his eye. (anna get out
of the cold *rst& :ould get breakfast some!here.
Sure.
Steve stufs his hands in his pockets, cocks his head left like he kno!s a good
place and honestly smiles.