"ADELA LOPEZ-HOLSTER PLANT, CHILDREN'S ADVOCATE"

A Key and Peele Sketch

Written by
Joshua Cazares
FADE IN:
INT. OFFICE - ADELAS CUBICLE - DAY
ADELA PLANT (Jordan Peele), an older stout woman with a
pinned-up bun and low-cut flowery dress, sits at her desk
typing a memo. The phone rings and she answers it in her
staple Southern accent.
ADELA
(into phone)
McCalls and Watt, may I help you?
MR. DUBOIS (Keegan-Michael Key), a generally pleasant office
manager in plaid and khakis, walks up to Adelas cubicle
slightly annoyed.
ADELA (CONTD)
(holding a finger up)
Yeah... yeah... yes... oh, yes...
No. We do not provide those
services, maam, let me transfer
you to our customer service line.
Yes, maam, please hold.
She lazily transfers the call and sighs as she peers over her
glasses to Mr. Dubois.
ADELA (CONTD)
And how is your day going, Mr.
Dubois? Hows the wife, hows the
kids?
MR. DUBOIS
(hesitating)
Oh, everyones great, Adela. Did
you receive my--?
ADELA
Little Lucy still selling those
cookies? Or was it cookie dough? I
have a ten around here somewhere...
Adela proceeds to lazily look through her pen holder, then
through the top drawer in her desk... pauses to stare at her
computer... before rifling through her papers. When she cant
find a ten, she brings her clunky purse on to the table and
proceeds to pull out several random items: Three pill
bottles, an EpiPen, two baby pacifiers, a childrens
Lunchable, and a coin-purse, all of which she empties onto
her desk. After deciding she doesnt have enough dimes and
nickels to make ten dollars, she leans back realizing
something.
ADELA (CONTD)
Oh, no, I mustve left it in Little
Phillips lunch bag.
MR. DUBOIS
(trying to stay polite)
Adela! Thats why I came! I feel
like you might be taking advantage
of the offices... um... resources.
ADELA
(passively)
Oh, no... I been takin too many
papers...
She lifts two reams of paper onto her desk.
ADELA (CONTD)
Ill put them back--
MR. DUBOIS
No, no, I mean... the other
resources... Do you not
understand...?
Adela continues to have a blank, disinterested look.
MR. DUBOIS (CONTD)
The office day care?
He indicates the playroom sitting across the room with
several children running wild. They seem to be all ages and
all races, leaving Adela puzzled.
ADELA
What is going on, Mr. Dubois?
You... you sayin I cant use the
office playroom... for my kids?
MR. DUBOIS
No, Adela, your kids are fine. Its
just--
A young SUBURBAN MOTHER walks up to Adelas cubicle.
SUBURBAN MOTHER
Heeeey, Adela, Im here to pick up
James.
ADELA
Oh, Miss Reed, youre early today.
2.
SUBURBAN MOTHER
You know what? I got all my errands
done today and thought Id surprise
him and take him to the movies.
ADELA
Oh, that sounds wonderful, Miss
Reed. Hes in there.
Mr. Dubois is stone-faced. He throws a look at Adela.
ADELA (CONTD)
Im sorry, Mr. Dubois, you were
saying?
MR. DUBOIS
Who was that?
ADELA
(confused)
Um... shes married, as are you,
Mr. Dubois...
MR. DUBOIS
No, I mean--
ADELA
But, between you and me... you
know, when these younger couples
get together early on, I find that
they need to spend more time on
they own, as couples, before they
bring a child into the world. And
ever since James was born with a
slight attitude problem - you know,
the boy downright fucking rude - I
think its brought down their
marriage. Heavens, we shouldnt be
talking this way about a child.
Theyre all beautiful in Gods
eyes.
MR. DUBOIS
What the fu--?
A young HIPSTER DAD shows up at Adelas cubicle.
ADELA
Oh, Mr. Sanders! I aint expectin
you til three!
HIPSTER DAD
I finished my shift early. How was
her day?
3.
ADELA
She almost bit Little Miss May
again, but dont worry - I set her
straight. I gave her some copies to
make, and she apologized
immediately to May, and they had a
wonderful nap just now.
MR. DUBOIS
Wait, go back. Who made copies?
HIPSTER DAD
(unsure of Mr. Dubois)
Um... so, she ate all her food
today? I packed a macaroni-thing.
Did she get to that?
ADELA
Oh, yes, sir. Polished it up nice.
HIPSTER DAD
(happily relieved)
Ill go get her.
He leaves, and Mr. Dubois is furious.
MR. DUBOIS
Okay, Adela--
ADELA
His wife left him and his poor
little girl three years ago.
Cancer. Oh, bless that sweet,
sweet, sweet girl. Theyve been
living at his mamas house, until
the old woman decided to spend her
day gambling away her social
security at the bingo and couldnt
watch the child--
MR. DUBOIS
ADELA, THATS QUITE ENOUGH!
Everyone in the office freezes. Adela stares at Mr. Dubois,
daring him to continue.
MR. DUBOIS (CONTD)
You cannot run a daycare out of our
office!
Everyone, including Hipster Dad and his daughter, are
nervous. Adela sighs, removes her glasses, and cleans them on
diaper.
4.
ADELA
(slowly)
Mr. Dubois... Brandon... do you
know how difficult it was to go
back to work for you?
MR. DUBOIS
What does that have to do with--?
ADELA
(shaking)
Ten years with this company... and
I aint got no benefits to take
care of my kids... to take care of
myself... And you have the nerve...
to walk up in dis bitch... and
fuckin tell me... where I should
be handling my business?
MR. DUBOIS
This is an office, Adela--
ADELA
(gesturing with her
finger)
YOU DONT RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ADELA
LOPEZ-HOLSTER PLANT!
(then calmly)
You take yoself out my goddamn
vicinity and leave the Lord to deal
with you. As God as my witness...
and He knows... I aint done
nothin wrong! I see a few sweet
faces lookin to me for help... and
I answer the call. I answer their
prayers. Yes, sir. You didnt even
give me permission before I decided
to take care of these helpless
children!
MR. DUBOIS
My point exactly--
ADELA
AND DONT YOU THINK ITS ABOUT
TIME... that we give back. Dont
you think its about time...
instead of selling insurance to sex-
traffickers... that we rise against
the tide and give back!
(shaking her head in
dismay)
If I was a white woman...
5.
(MORE)
Id have my name on a plaque
outside that door. OH! IF I WERE A
MAN... Id be seen as an
entreprener...
She pauses and closes her eyes.Mr. Dubois takes a step back,
thinking shes done.
ADELA (CONTD)
(to the entire office)
IF I WAS A TRANSGENDERED WHITE-
SUPREMACIST MARRIED TO A
QUADRUHPELEGIC HORSE, I WOULD BE
SELLING MY LIFE RIGHTS TO
UNIVERSAL... and Lana Wachowski.
MR. DUBOIS
(muttering silently)
Look, forget I mentioned it...
ADELA
You and I, Brandon...
(clenching her fists)
We could take on... all of them.
Human rights are a -
(fist in palm)
- RIGHT! Not a privilege.
Mr. Dubois is speechless. He looks around. Everyone is on the
edge of their seats.
MR. DUBOIS
(muttering again)
Look... just dont give the
children any more work... okay?
ADELA
(almost mouthing, in
tears)
Oh, youd like that.
Mr. Dubois slips away. The entire office nods in approval,
before resuming their work. The general office bustle
returns. Adela takes a seat, reaches for her Geisha fan, and
fans herself off. She slows her rhythm as she stares forward,
lost in thought.
ADELAS GRANDDAUGHTER (V.O.)
That was the first day my
grandmother, Adela Lopez-Holster
Plant, stood up against the Man.
She was a woman of her time... She
knew the oppressors were onto
her...
6.
ADELA (CONT'D)
(MORE)
But for the sake of the nation -
for the sake of future generations -
Adela knew... she would not let
them take away more than she had.
This was it. This was all for her.
At the end of her rope, she knew
she wouldve taken down the entire--
A LITTLE BOY walks up to Adela carrying a stack of papers.
LITTLE BOY
I finished scanning these to your
email, Miss Plant.
Adela reaches into her blouse, pulls out a couple of ones,
and throws them at the Little Boy.
ADELA
There. Now, get outta here little
nigga.
BLACKOUT.
7.
ADELAS GRANDDAUGHTER (V.O.)