16 things black people wish they could explain to their

white friends
By Zola Ndlovu | Oct 08, 2014

Over the years, there is one observation Ive made about black people in various social
situations. Amongst fellow black people, we dont feel the need to explain ourselves; we just
get each other, even if were from different cultural backgrounds. When youre a black
person amongst white people though, there seem to be a million things you have to explain
about yourself and your life.
And most of the time, black people dont bother explaining because its too much of an
effort.
In the interests of promoting social understanding and togetherness, heres a list of things that
white people need to know about black people. Very importantly, not all black people are the
same, so not all of these will apply equally. Lovely friends, here are 16 things that black
people need to explain to their white friends:
1. Bring and share parties are a white people thing
If youre going to organise a party then you should cater for it, its a basic principle of
hospitality. The idea that I must cater for a party that you are hosting is completely foreign to
me. Alas, because its your party, I will go with the flow and bring a pack of Doritos, the
ones in a blue packet.
2. Underwear must be washed by hand, every day
When you walk into my bathroom you will almost definitely find a few lacy numbers
hanging on the rail. Dont be alarmed. I was taught to wash my undies straight after a bath.
3. Closed guest lists dont mean a thang to us, if I hear about it, Im there
Birthday parties, weddings, anniversaries and funerals are free for all. Relatives, friends,
enemies, neighbours, people passing by are all welcome! Its not weird at all when there are
random strangers appearing in our wedding videos, it is part of the territory. A closed guest
list is a sure way to offend a black person.
4. The words gap year dont exist in our vocabulary
There is no scenario where the words gap year can feature positively in a conversation
between a black person and their mother, father or relatives. Telling your parents that youre
doing a gap year is telling them that you want to be unemployed for the rest of your life,
period.
5. Hair is a political issue
White friend, I know youve never had to debate the question of natural hair versus relaxed
hair with your white friends. You probably didnt know the difference. The hair debate isnt
just a silly thing to us, its a serious issue.
6. Dont look surprised, disappointed or whisper behind your hand when black people
pile their plates high
Piling your plate high at an event is not gluttony, its wholly appropriate if the food is in
abundance. Were not being rude, were just being ourselves. Also, dont laugh when we talk
about taking leftovers home for breakfast tomorrow, were being serious.
7. Black people dont do cats
Dont ask them why because theyll look at you cross-eyed. Were okay with you having pet
cats but please, please do not expect us to cuddle, kiss or love them. In fact, black people
dont really do pets at all, dogs belong outside and are there as a matter of necessity, theres
no love lost between me and Spotty.
8. Witchcraft is a big deal
This is linked to the fact that black people dont do cats. Witchcraft is real. As real as the fact
that when a black woman is pregnant she doesnt announce it and everyone around her knows
not to ask when shes due. Its linked to the fear that she will be bewitched if she reveals that
kind of information.
9. Looking at someone in the eye is rude
If I dont look you in the eye, its because Im showing your respect, not disrespect.
Essentially, its the opposite of what you think. The younger generation of black folk dont
adhere to this rule much but older people think this is very important.
10. Black people cant understand you any better when you talk in baby talk/
Chilapalapa
Chilapalapa is when white people speak an adulterated version of an African vernacular
language. Baby talk is when you speak slower and in a higher voice when youre
speaking to a black person that you think doesnt have a full command of English.
Condescending much?
11. Mimicry of black accents is only funny when black people do it
Just dont.
12. The wages of disrespecting parents is death
Relating to black parents is a delicate dance and every black child knows what lines not to
cross. You never stand when youre talking to your parents, you lower yourself. You dont
walk away from them, you wait to be dismissed. You dont enter into a shouting match if you
value your life.
13. When you visit our house you cant sleep on my parents bed
In fact, the whole bedroom is out of bounds.
14. Its not okay to show up anywhere barefooted
This includes church services, the supermarket, a job interview or my birthday party. Bare
feet are only okay in the shower or when youre swimming. No one wants to see your toes,
even if theyre pretty or you have cute nail polish on.
15. My parents dont know that I have a boyfriend and I intend on keeping it that way
Black parents dont have a relational category called boyfriend. If hes not someone whos
ready to pay lobola then he doesnt exist. Theyre not interested in a Facebook relationship
status that doesnt involve a legally binding contract.
16. Im an only child but I have many siblings
Also, I have many mothers and fathers. What you call first, second and third cousins are just
brothers and sisters to me. What you call extended family is just my family.
"This article was originally published on
www.realmukoko.wordpress.com. Visit Zola's blog to
subscribe."