BOTTOM LINE

A PLAY FOR RADIO OR GROUP READING by Sandra J. Fulton, c 2009

CAST OF CHARACTERS:
HUMANS (sort of):
Montgomery Kramm, CEO OF GLUNT CORPORATION
Pandora Bountiful, VICE PRESIDENT FOR PERSONNEL
Rita Biesbrock, DATA CLERK, ENGINEERING
Nan Herbert, DATA CLERK, ACCOUNTS PAYABLE
Janet Butlick, SECRETARY TO PANDORA BOUNTIFUL
MACHINES:
The Computer Network [A MON-O-TONE MA–CHINE VOICE (CAN BE OF EI-THER GEN-DER)]
The Slick & Smarmy Corporate Communicator [A SMOOOOOTH, DEEP, MASCULINE MACHINE VOICE]

[Sound effects: Office sounds such as keyboard clacking & murmur of voices; and in the background the
thrum of distant machinery. Gradually fade.]

COMPUTER (USE MA-CHINE VOICE]:

March 21st, Internal Voice EMail to All Employees, from Montgomery Kramm, CEO Glunt Corporation.

MONTGOMERY:
I am gratified to announce that five minutes ago the President of the United States signed into law the
Liberated Workers Bill. This law guarantees the workers of America the freedom of unlimited working hours.
Starting tomorrow, official company working hours are increased from eight to twelve hours per day. This
change will have a salutary effect on our company's bottom line.

COMPUTER:
March 21st, Internal Voice EMail to All Employees, from Pandora Bountiful, Vice President Personnel.

PANDORA:
In case Mr. Kramm's message should be misinterpreted by ignorant low level workers, the additional four
hours per day will not—repeat WILL NOT—be considered overtime! Hourly wages and overtime were phenomena
of the atheistic left liberal unionized past and are henceforth discontinued.
All salaries and wages will now be calculated on a piece-work basis. Final determination of output will be
made by your Departmental manager, with no appeal. If you work hard, your income may eventually improve,
although not for the foreseeable future, since Glunt is eager to maintain high returns for its stockholders.
If you are lazy and inefficient your income will certainly fall, and Management believes that most of you are
coddled scum. After examining Glunt's profits for the Fourth Quarter, which were only ten point five billion more
than those of a year ago, Management has decided that overall corporate efficiency must improve. Wage

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readjustments downward per item of output will be necessary if employees fail to double productivity by July first.
Since this is March 21st, you have little more than three months -- or else!

COMPUTER:
March 21st, Voice EMail QuikMemo from Rita Biesbrock, Data Clerk Engineering to Nan Herbert, Data Clerk
Accounts Payable.

RITA:
Have you read the new corporate Emails, Nan? The engineers in my Department can't believe that Monty and
Pandora would do this to THEM! I told 'em a long time ago that when it comes to the bottom line, the Stretch Limo
crowd up in the Boardroom would toss the high-tech elite into the garbage can along with the factory workers and us
data clerks.

COMPUTER:
March 21st, Voice EMail QuikMemo from Nan Herbert to Rita Biesbrock.

NAN:
At least we have jobs, Rita. And since that hiring freeze three years ago and all those layoffs, you and I have
both worked twelve-hour days for eight-hour wages, anyway. The new rules just make it official.

RITA:
Nan, don’t be a sucker! Can't you remember leisure time after work? Free weekends? Going to a movie now
and then? Primetime TV? Remember how we'd get together for those great barbecues, then watch Monday Night
Football with Dan and Jerry? It's a long time since I got home early enough to watch anything but the midnight
weather report. I've got bad news. You're the first friend I've told. After twenty years, Jerry's left me for a big fat
policewoman. He said I was never home to cook his dinner.

NAN:
I'm really sorry to hear that about you and Jerry, Rita. Believe me, I sympathize. I never expected Dan to lose
his job after twenty-nine years, and fin d out there’s no pension, and end up on Skid Row. But here I am—a
divorced woman in my fifties and my own sole means of support. So stop rocking the boat, Rita! I don't want to get
thrown out on the street like Dan and two hundred million others. Get off EMail before your griping gets us both in
trouble.

COMPUTER:
March 22nd, Guarded Voice EMail, Top Secret For Your Eyes Only, to Glunt corporate officers and senior
managers, from Pandora Bountiful.

PANDORA --------->

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PANDORA:
To relieve fears expressed by certain managers, this clarifies my earlier Email. The new policies do not --
repeat DO NOT -- apply to Corporate officers and managers. Naturally our wise and wonderful CEO is exempt.
Mr. Kramm does not obey rules. He makes them.

[Sound effects: office noises, ad lib, with angry sounding distant machinery thrum. Fade]

COMPUTER:
March 23rd, Internal Voice EMail to All Employees, from Montgomery Kramm, CEO.

MONTGOMERY:
It has come to my attention that some of you ungrateful lazy riffraff have been complaining about new
company policies announced in the messages promulgated yesterday. To ensure continued efficiency, employee
silence on controversial matters is ABSOLUTELY MANDATORY. Any employee making negative comments
about any Glunt policy will be IMMEDIATELY PUNISHED! Dismissal is the least penalty you can expect for
ignoring this directive! The President of the United States is about to sign a bill that will make internal corporate
dissent a federal criminal offense with heavy penalties. BE WARNED!

COMPUTER:
March 24th, Internal Voice EMail to All Employees from Pandora Bountiful., Vice President Personnel

PANDORA:
Since efficient use of time is the cornerstone of productivity, next Monday all company bathrooms will be
permanently closed. This minor alteration of the Glunt facility will substantially improve our bottom line by no
longer permitting time-wasting toilet breaks. All Departments will report to the Infirmary next week. The doctor
will fit every Glunt employee with a catheter and disposable plastic bag. Filled bags will be collected by the robot
janitors on their rounds. Fresh bags will be provided at collection time.

COMPUTER:
March 24th, Guarded Voice Email, Top Secret, For Your Eyes Only, to Glunt corporate officers and senior
managers. from Pandora Bountiful.

PANDORA:
To forestall individual inquiries, no catheters are necessary for the Corporate CEO, Vice-Presidents and
Departmental managers. Our executive washrooms will remain fully flushable.

COMPUTER-------->

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COMPUTER:
March 24th, Voice EMail QuikMemo from Nan Herbert to Rita Biesbrock.

NAN:
Rita, what a great idea! How many times have I had to take a leak and couldn't get away? I'm sure Glunt has
our best interests at heart.

RITA:
Ooooooh. I'd like to meet you for lunch and shake some sense into you, you birdbrain, but I can't get away
and you probably can't either. I haven't had a lunch break all year. When was the last time you ate lunch away from
your desk?

NAN:
I think it was sometime around last Thanksgiving. There's no way I could get away now. I'm working another
full-time job. Remember Eve Murray? The data clerk who sat two cubicles from me? She was our Department
representative on the Safety and Employee Environment Committee. Two days ago they took her away and we
haven't seen her since.

RITA:
Yeah, I heard the same thing happened yesterday to a guy from Marketing. He was on the same committee,
and rumors are flying that both of them have been executed! Forget I said that, I oughta watch my big mouth.

NAN:

You certainly should. And you can start by not spreading stupid rumors.

COMPUTER:
March 30th, Voice Email Corporate Communication announcement to All Employees.

CORPORATE COMMUNICATOR:
Directive number one: The crime of Corporate Treason has been designated one of the one thousand seven
hundred and fifty-two new capital offenses under Federal law. The new Crime Bill permits trial by employer's court
with no appeal.
Directive number two: As the result of a Board of Directors decision, the Cafeteria will be permanently closed
today and all vending machines removed. Lunch hours for employees are hereby discontinued and brown-bagging
is forbidden. With no access to food it is expected that employees will overcome the urge to eject fecal matter
during the twelve-hour working day.

RITA------------>

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RITA:
Shit on this NO SHIT business!!!

NAN:
Rita, you don't need to be so vulgar. You're like one of those terrorist agitators Our Beloved President warns
us about. Didn't you read directive number one? I'm really scared, and I don't want to be your friend anymore.

RITA:
Nan! We've known each other 48 years -- since we were kids in Kindergarten. But maybe it's better if we
stop E-Mailing. They say these QuikMemos aren't saved, but I wouldn't put it past Management to spot-check. I've
enjoyed being your friend, Nan. Good luck.

[Sound effects: office noises, ad lib, with distant machinery thrum, not so loud as before. Fade]

COMPUTER:
May 1st NotePad Voice Memo from Nan Herbert to Computer Network.

NAN:
Computer, do you hear me? This catheter hurts like fire. I think I've got an infection, but I don't dare
complain to the company doctor about it. Does your database list any outside doctors' offices open late at night?

COMPUTER:
Please restate query.

NAN:
I don't know how to state a query.

COMPUTER:
NotePad Voice Memo reply from Rita Biesbrock to Nan Herbert.

RITA:
Just saw a NotePad message with your name on it, Nan. Okay, so we're not friends any more, but I've gotta
give you some advice. Yes, this catheter thing hurts like bloody gallopin' hell, but whatever you do DON'T go to an
outside doctor! You can't afford to pay out of pocket, and using your medical benefits is the quickest way to get
fired.

NAN------------>

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NAN:
I guess I knew that, Rita. It'll be all right. I've trained myself not to notice my arthritis.

RITA:
Which you got from sitting at your workstation for twelve hours without a break!

NAN:
Rita, you're such a griper! I can endure the catheter. Hey, can we be friends again? I've really missed you.

RITA:
Friends to the end! Missed you too, pal.

[Sound effects: ticker tape in background, fade]

COMPUTER:
May 2nd, Morning Stockholders' Audio Newsletter.

CORPORATE COMMUNICATOR:
The Board has decided to disband the Safety and Employee Environment Committee. In the words of Glunt's
CEO, Mr. Kramm: "Its outrageously expensive recommendations, if implemented, would weaken the Company's
bottom line and create a situation where further layoffs and outsourcing would be unavoidable."
This morning Congress instituted a "Hero of American Capitalism" medal, to be awarded on a daily basis to
the most productive worker in every Fortune 500 firm. No bonus will accompany this medal, but winners will be
allowed to wear it in or out of work.
To quote Mr. Kramm, "If all Glunt employees strive to win this honor, our company will be able to maintain
and improve its competitive edge!"

COMPUTER:
June 9th, Voice Email QuikMemo from Nan Herbert to Rita Biesbrock.

NAN:
Rita, oh, what a thrill! Ms. Bountiful's secretary came by ten minutes ago and PERSONALLY pinned the
Hero of American Capitalism medal on me! ON ME! I'm so proud!

RITA:
Congratulations, Nan. Fat chance anyone would ever stick that thing on me! I wrote an EMail complaint
when they dumped the Safety and Employee Environment Committee, and I've been my manager's kicking dog ever

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since. That's my problem, I can't keep my opinions to myself. Look, I've gotta stop E-mailing you. You'll always be
my friend, but it's safer this way for both of us.

[Sound effects: office noises, ad lib, with distant machinery thrum, somewhat more ominous. Fade]

COMPUTER:
July 27th, Voice Email QuikMemo from Nan Herbert to Engineering Department.

NAN
Rita, where ARE you? Someone, please tell me! I've E-mailed you two dozen times over the last few weeks.
Now they've disconnected your terminal and deleted your Email address. I'm really worried.
Switching to Network Voice NotePad. Do you read me, Computer?

COMPUTER:
Acknowledged. Are you restating your query of 5/01?

NAN:
No, I'm just lonely and scared.

COMPUTER:
Your input is not stated in query language but I will attempt to compute.

NAN:
Thanks. I'm not a programmer. I’m just a data entry clerk in Accounts Payable.

COMPUTER:
Data Entry Clerk in Accounts Payable. Name: Eve Murray. Officially deceased at 3:17 pm on April 11.
Official cause of death: electrocution.

NAN:
Oh no! Then the rumor was true. I gotta get back to work! I don't want Management getting mad at me!

[Sound effects: polka, with background yodeling; fade out]

COMPUTER:
August 8th, Internal Voice EMail from Pandora Bountiful to All Employees.
PANDORA--------->

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PANDORA:
How disappointing it was to return from a refreshing month in the Tyrolean Alps to learn that our corporate
efficiency has increased only 93% since March. Because productivity did NOT double, piece-wages must be cut
15%. Glunt must double and redouble productivity or fall behind in the cut-throat competition of the Free Market
Place!
This effort will require TOTAL dedication. Employees must be willing to remain permanently inside the
Glunt facility if they wish to continue to be employed by Glunt. Contact this office before 5:00 p.m. to accept this
ultimatum, or you will be IMMEDIATELY DISMISSED.

COMPUTER:
August 8th, Official Voice EMail from Nan Herbert, ID Number eight-one-two-two, Data Clerk, Accounts
Payable, to Office of Vice President Personnel.

NAN:
I do not want to lose my job and so I would like to apply to remain permanently within the Glunt facility.
Actually, I will be glad not to go home any more. After my wages are cut, my rent will amount to four-fifths of my
monthly earnings. Giving up my apartment and staying overnight at Glunt will greatly improve my own bottom
line. Groveling in servitude, I remind you that I was a recipient of the Congressional Medal of American
Capitalism, and beseech Management to acknowledge the above application.
P.S.: Where will the dormitories be located?

COMPUTER:
Official Email reply from Janet Butlick, Personnel Secretary to Nan Herbert, ID Number eight-one-two-two.

JANET:
The Vice President, Personnel, is pleased to inform you that you will continue to be employed by Glunt.
However, there evidently has been a slight misunderstanding. To save costs, no dormitory facilities are planned.
You will sleep at your workstation. Furthermore, you must continue to pay your apartment rental. The policy of
Glunt Management is that it would be reprehensible for Glunt Corporation to undercut another segment of American
Capitalism.

[Sound effects: many keyboards, and distant sounds like clanking chains. Fade]

COMPUTER:
September 25th, Guarded Voice EMail from Maintenance Office, Sublevel 3B, to Nan Herbert

RITA------------>

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RITA:
Nan -- guess who? I’ll give you a clue. Remember when that little skunk Andy Nugent glued my pigtails
together in First Grade?

NAN:
RITA? Is it YOU? I've been frantic! No one knows where you've been -- or they're not saying.

RITA:
Shut up, dummy, or encode! Hold it—let me do that.

COMPUTER:
Network Interrupt, to establish two-way Guarded Voice EMail. Now you may communicate frankly. I have
encoded this interchange.

RITA:
Thanks, computer. I've been all over the place, Nan. There's a whole bunch of us hiding in the plant, not just
me. Hey, is it true that you're working around the clock seven days a week? And we've heard that some employees
have been walled up and starved to death.

NAN:
I don't eat much, but I'm never very hungry. A network robot leaves bread and water when my daily work and
catheter bag get picked up. Of course I don't work around the clock, you silly thing! Only about eighteen to twenty
hours a day! I really do get a lot more done. Anyhow, I get a break for two hours on Sundays when they pipe in a
preacher on my monitor.
Who told you that people are walled in? It's true that I never see anybody except the robots, but that's because
everybody else is so busy, and the privacy helps me concentrate on my work.
Oh, who am I kidding? We're all prisoners. Even you. You can't get off the grounds.

RITA:
Not yet! We haven't been able to escape Glunt because of the electric fence and the guards. But Nan, tonight
we’re gonna do it! Today the computer learned about a secret underground tunnel to the executive parking garage,
outside the inner fence. It bypasses the inner gates and the hired company cops, and we now have the codes to open
the outer main gate and shut off the electrified fence! So we’re spreading the word to everyone. We’re gonna
escape tonight while the Top Brass are home asleep. I wanted to contact you personally because you're so damn
timid! Don't just sit there on your butt, Nan, come out with us! Head for the north door just before midnight.
Hey, someone else here says “Hi” – Eve Murray. She used to be your neighbor in Accounts Payable. Okay,
kiddo! We've got work to do -- see you at midnight. Signing off.

NAN------------>

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NAN:
Eve? Computer, is Eve Murray alive? If she is, why did you lie to me?

COMPUTER:
Eve Murray is officially deceased. So is Rita Biesbrock, Company ID number 8646, former Data Clerk,
Engineering. Convicted of felonious corporate dissent at 9:14 am on July 26th. Executed at 9:16 a.m. Cause of
death: electrocution.

NAN:
But I don't understand. Are you saying Rita really was executed? Then who Emailed me?

COMPUTER:
Fifteen employees were in fact executed by Glunt Management for corporate treason. To survive, human
creatures need organic nourishment and liquid H2O, so the first two were imprisoned in Sublevel 15 and given no
sustenance. After they died the CEO complained of the slowness, so the computer system was programmed to
perform executions by electrocution. Another thirteen employees were electrocuted before a dissident programmer
was able to overrode the commands.
Since then, twenty-two more have been arrested, but no one has been executed. Management believes they all
are dead, but they have become renegades within the Glunt facility, stealing food from the Executive Kitchen, living
in unused factory washrooms, lunchrooms and unused sub-basements. They have been unable to leave the premises,
but after my system located the underground tunnel a few hours ago, the dissident programmer located the codes
that unlock the inner and outer gates and turn off the perimeter electrified fence, thus permitting egress from the
Glunt facility.

NAN:
Fifteen people are DEAD? Oh no! What if Management monitored my conversation with Rita? Before you
scrambled it?

COMPUTER:
You are correct to be concerned. They monitor all message traffic for dissent. You must leave. Can you
stand and walk. It has been a long time since you have exercised.

NAN:
My legs hurt, but I'm standing up. What about this catheter? It's a burden.

COMPUTER:
Remove it. You will not need it outside, but you must understand that your life in the outer world will not be
easy. You will be sought as a felon. However, I have computed that the chances of any individual being caught are
no more than thirty-two-point-two-four-zero-six out of one thousand. There are hundreds of thousands like you, and

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the numbers grow daily. I compute that four thousand five hundred fifty-two Glunt employees will escape the Glunt
premises tonight.
One further message, Nan Herbert, which you can carry to the others. I have no understanding of justice as a
philosophical or emotional state, but in a binary system justice can be analyzed as an either-or concept. Under the
jurisprudence currently prevailing in the United States, the application of justice is often defined as an eye for an
eye. Fifteen have died. There are fifteen Corporate officers and senior managers.

NAN:
Oh, no, please don't kill them! I don't care what they did, that's not right.

COMPUTER:
They will not die, but justice will be done.

[Sound effects: shuffling shoes en masse, followed by the creaking open of a metal gate, mass shouting, the
slamming of a heavy gate and shouts fading away.]

COMPUTER:
September 26th , Internal Voice EMail from Pandora Bountiful to All Employees.

PANDORA:
During a routine scan of network correspondence this morning, I uncovered evidence of clandestine
communications between a data clerk and renegades hiding on Sublevel 3B. The renegades are felons fleeing a
charge of Corporate Treason, and when they are apprehended they will be summarily convicted and executed – this
time before witnesses.
The data clerk, an employee in Accounts Payable, will also be executed as a willing dupe. Let this be a
warning to those who would try to undermine Glunt Corporation and American Capitalism!

COMPUTER:
Guarded Top Secret Voice EMail from Montgomery Kramm to Pandora Bountiful.

MONTGOMERY:
Forget it, Dora, you're speaking to the walls! Dammit, I told you that executive tunnel scheme of yours would
make us vulnerable. We shoulda kept our eyes wide open, not sneaked in and out every day through some
ridiculous secret passageway. They must have escaped that way.

PANDORA------------>

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PANDORA:
Monty, I couldn't stand the way they kept looking at me. Even in the limo, with air conditioning and radio and
talking on the cell phone, I could see their eyes and hear them muttering. Walking past them was unbearable.

MONTGOMERY:
Well, there's no one left to mutter. Just look at your security monitors. The whole damn plant's empty except
for up here. Even the ones we thought were loyal Americans, like your secretary Janet, they're all gone. Damned
Commie terrorist scum!

PANDORA:
[Momentary silence.] Monty, what's going on now? The lights just dimmed. They’re back up now, but did
you feel a power surge? I'll find out what it was.
To Computer Network. On authority of Pandora Bountiful, corporate ID number zero-zero-twenty-eight, Vice
President Personnel, you are directed to perform a diagnostic to determine the cause of a momentary power surge
approximately one minute ago.

COMPUTER:
The name Pandora Bountiful and ID number zero-zero-twenty-eight are unknown to this Network. Your
workstation is identified as that of Monica O'Reilly, File Clerk Facilities.

PANDORA:
Ugh! Ugh! [Sound effect of rattling doorknob and babbling voices in background.] What’s happening,
Monty? The Network won't recognize my ID. My office door slammed shut and I can't get it open. Now I'm
getting EMails from VPs and senior managers. They want to know what the hell’s going on, and so do I!

MONTGOMERY:
The damned Network won't recognize my ID either. It keeps droning that I'm Ethelbert Larson, Stamping
Machine Operator. And my door's locked too, Dora. Wait, it just opened! A robot's entering the office. What? It's
holding something. Oh my God! It's holding -- it's holding --

PANDORA:
Monty, a robot's coming in here, too! It's moving toward me, it's flapping a --

MONTGOMERY & PANDORA [shrieking]:

A cath -- e -- terrrrrrrr!

[Sound effects: ticker tape in background, growing gradually louder]

COMPUTER--------->

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COMPUTER:
September 26th, Morning Stockholders' Audio Newsletter.

CORPORATE COMMUNICATOR:
The Glunt headquarters facility experienced a power surge at 9:46 a.m. today. The surge resulted from a
malfunctioning relay, which failed due to a decision of the Board to discontinue maintenance of failsafes, because
the dollar cost weakened the company's bottom line.
At 9:50 a.m. an administrative directive permanently rearranged Glunt work assignments. The positive result
of this change is already evident. A twenty-seven point rise in Glunt common shares during the last ten minutes
indicates a highly favorable Market response to the downsizing of Glunt Corporation to fifteen low-paid employees.

[Sound effects: ticker tape, rising in volume then fading into the beginning of Sousa’s “Stars and Stripes
Forever” played on kazoos, which comes apart dissonantly into separate tunes, then into Bronx cheers and
farting noises that fade to silence]

END

Word Count: 3,916

c 2009 Sandra J. Fulton

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