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Guide To Make God

By

Naman Dixit

A Sarcasm from Which No One Will Learn Anything - Not Because They Can't, But Be
cause They Don't Want To

What To Do To Make And Propagate Your Own Religion In The So Called "Intellectua
lly Developed" 21st Century

Well, in short, follow these steps-

(a)The most basic requirement is a God. There are two types of Gods possible1. Malevolent God- For this category, make your god so fearful, powerful and suc
h an avenger that people are automatically forced to believe in him or they suff
er dire consequences for not believing. (More details of the 'dire consequences'
will be given in point (b)).
This God can be portrayed in two ways-

(i) WARRIOR GOD- This god must be soldier like who personally explore the earth
for wrong doers and punish them by his own hands with all the natural disasters
being the 'fruits of his anger'. He can be assumed to be carrying anything from
a twelve foot sword to asteroid breaking hammers.

(ii)REPULSIVE GOD- This type of God doesn't personally go to waste his precious
time on petty humans, he leaves the task of punishment to his servants - which i
nclude armies of ghosts, demons, devils, skeletons, monsters, dead bodies, extin
ct animals, never-existed-animals and everything a fantasy writer can think of.
The God himself may be pictured as living in graveyards, eating flesh of dead bo
dies, drinking blood (or better- pus), wearing skin torn from dead and...Well, y
ou must have got the idea.

2. Benevolent God- This is better compared to the previous as a malevolent God a


lmost required the God to be material (that required him to stay on earth which
raises the question- why will the lord of universe stay on a modest planet like
earth. Even if you say that he stays somewhere else in the vast universe, some p
hysicist will come and blow your God by saying that every material object was ma
de with the universe and he ought to be detected by now) and even if you can des
ign a malevolent non-material God, there is only a limit up to which you can fri
ghten people- they will soon refuse to obey (which often happens with Dictators)
unless you provide them a source of support that will save them from all the mi
sery, namely a benevolent God.
For your God to belong to this category, your hypothesis must be that this world
is a bad place and no one can live without being a sinner. All people will suff
er the same 'dire consequences' except, and you must make sure that this is the
only way to escape, they believe in your God. As yours is a loving and caring Go
d, he will save all those who believe in him. Also, make sure that you don't say
that even God will be not able to save non-believers because God is supposed to
be able to do everything. Instead, it must be like God wants you to get the pun
ishment of not showing faith in him but he must not be directly handing out puni
shments because he is a benevolent God. The entity directly responsible for all
the "consequences" must either be some sort of Demon (Satan is a classic example
) or it should be a law of nature that earthlings would be punished.

(b) All the 'dire consequences' you use to frighten people must be really fright
ening (those that really cause goose bumps to erupt on just reading them- not th
e normal ones like floods and earthquakes). None of those "dire consequences" mu
st be celestial or far fletched (like dropping you in a black hole or leaving yo
u near a super nova) because although these are more 'dire', these don't conjure
the feeling of intense pain and fear on the first moment. Instead, those conseq
uences must be like- burning, drowning, cutting body pieces, fire and darkness r
elated, thrown in a dark pit and most essentially, dark creatures that are custo
m made to rip your intestines, eat your brain with ketchup, drink you blood like
coke and other blah, blah, blah.
An example of the punishment is-

You will be fried in oil, then fed pus, then slashed by axes, then wounds rubbed
with pepper, then ears torn out and fed to you, then cutting your belly, then a
skeleton will thrust his hand inside and grope for your heart, then heart torn
out of body, then hot iron rods inserted in eyes, then bats made to suck the liq
uid inside your eyes making your eyes shrivel up, then tearing out your tongue,
then fingers inserted in your mouth and cheek torn from ear to ear, then leeches
inserted in skull through nose and ear holes (ears being already torn out) whic
h will finally eat your brain and YOU WILL BE feeling the pain.

Also, the pain mustn't stop here. You've still got the most terrible move hidden
- the concept of soul. This is most frightening in two ways, firstly as it helps
to generate concept of ghosts from which you would be saved if you follow God a
nd secondly, it helps to introduce the greatest sentence of that spiritual court
- TO BE PUNISHED TILL ETERNITY (as soul is supposed to be, and is to be theorize
d as, indestructible). No one wants to be punished till eternity which one feels
to be definitely much, much distant after one reads about the acts performed in

hell.

(c) Now is the time for the Rituals- the only way your followers will be reminde
d in their busy life about the God we just invented.
Until now, I have emphasized on 'inventions', now I will emphasis on 'discovery'
. What I mean is that a common person (among whom we have to propagate our relig
ion) is very resistive. If anything goes different in their life styles that the
y have been habitual of since childhood, they hate it more than anything- even i
f the change will make their lives better. It is because of this phenomenon that
we are even planning to launch a religion when the alternative is a logical, re
ason based science that will help them to literally grow up. But no, they still
roll in the mud in which they have rolled since childhood just because they HAVE
rolled in it SINCE CHILDHOOD, in the same mud that began to accumulate from tho
se simple times when there was a single word answer to every question - GOD.
Alright, 3 cheers for this foolishness because this is the reason we are talking
all this religion-making but well - point is that if you make new rituals from
the scratch, no one will adopt them. Because to adopt them, they will have to ad
apt. And they don't like changing.
So, what to do now? What you should do is you should first make the most basic r
ituals (that are almost a habit to people) of the religion you want to replace a
nd compete with something like an intrinsic property of your own religion. Slowl
y you will gather followers by aids of miracles [more information on miracles in
(d)] who will think that your religion is a part of already existing religion.
Then, when its safe to assume that you have gathered a sufficiently strong popul
arity, absorb most of the holy days and festivals (under changed names with same
date) into your religion and declaim all the remaining symbols, rituals and fes
tivals somehow related to devil. People don't care about the name of the festiva
l they celebrate as long as all the dates and rituals are same, this being the r
esult of their habits-retaining-habit.

(d) You may be wondering how will you acquire so much popularity that you can ov
erthrow an existing religion (that may have been existed for several millenniaand people are habitual to that mud). Or - to use more business like terms - HOW
WILL YOU ADVERTISE YOUR RELIGION?
Answer is really obvious- by miracles. And what do 'I' mean by miracle? Well, at
least not what scripture means by it! :-)
Imagine you are attending a science conference where chief guest is say, Bill Ga
tes. To start the conference, he comes to the stage where a life sized dummy is
kept. He touches the dummy and it starts speaking - moving lips and the voice is
really coming out of its throat and all that. What do you think may explain thi
s? Holograms? Robotics? Virtual Reality? Optical Disillusionment? Hallucinogens
in your drink? You are dreaming? You are dead? Well, you are going to say anythi
ng and everything except "Praise the God and his miracles" because you know that
this has got to do something with physics and technology- one realm where even
most faithful have their faiths shattered if they have got a little logic and kn
ow how to use it, right?
Now, think of another situation. One of your friends tells you that a saint has
come to your city who claims he can animate non living things. He also tells you

that rumors are that he can also revive dead bodies - one a year. Out of curios
ity, you go to the place where he has announced to do the first of his 'public p
erformances'. Some ten thousand people are standing there, all super skeptical l
ike you- all of whom have promised themselves to see his every deed by logic. An
d there he is, standing half naked, 6 foot tall, a godly appearance himself. Bes
ide him is a white POP statue. The saint raises his arms and head towards sky an
d loudly chants a hymn in some ancient language (like Latin or Sanskrit). As he
finishes his hymns, his hands begin to glow with a suffused golden light. He the
n brings his hands to the white statue and touches the top of its head. And inst
antaneously, the statue starts gaining color and when it finally resembles a liv
ing human, it recites the same hymns that the saint had just spoken. Ten thousan
ds of people down there suddenly go berserk, shouting the name of saint and reve
ring him more than the God they believe in. What will you think of the phenomena
? I tell you - no holograms, no science, no technology, no dreaming; just one th
ing- GOD.
So this is what I mean by a miracle- when a trick is performed in a tent by a gu
y in hat, it is magic; when it is performed in a hall by a guy in lab coat, it i
s science; when it is performed in open by a saint/God looking (and proclaiming)
guy; it is miracle.
But what if you are not a world class physicist or a renowned computer scientist
? How are you going to design these miracles? Well, that's exactly why I'm here.
In fact, it's simpler that you might think. Actually, the thing that's importan
t here is not the quality of your trick; it's more of your presentation that mat
ters. So, you go and watch some videos that are made regularly to raise people's
interest in science that contain some magic like overwhelming science tricks th
at can fascinate a normal non scientific person, get the most basic of tricks th
at will require least infrastructure and will be most effective (the ultimate ir
ony, using science videos to go against science). Then, make a dashing entry in
the spiritual realm like God visiting you in dream or something with such realis
tic acting that at least your family members are convinced of you. Then do somet
hing bizarre, like placing a mat on road and start meditating or singing hymns o
f some long lost poem in some long lost language (search for it on internet). Yo
ur strange appearances and rumor spreading abilities of your family members will
make you an instant hit in your locality. People will come to you to see if the
news is correct about the messenger of God (remember to be a messenger of God,
not an incarnation of God himself because people will find that hard to believe)
. Then, declare a date on which you will perform a miracle and prove your divini
ty, then prove your 'divinity' in front of a large crowd of spectators by using
the tricks discussed earlier and you will be amazed how effective the plan turns
out to be.

(e) Ok, so until now, you have been God-designer, Architect of hell, Ritual-forg
er and Miracle-man. Now, you have to become Infection-propagator (after all, rel
igious sentiments are infectious, aren't they?). So, after you have gained initi
al momentum, maintaining it becomes a real challenge because the traders of curr
ent religion don't want their own shops closed and that's what you are doing by
condemning their rituals as heresy. Therefore, we don't want to give them any ch
ance to retaliate. Hence, as soon as you get a reasonably good popularity, go on
giving advertisements about religious meetings, make some religious singer sing
some songs in favor of your god, spread rumors and...Well, in short, do everyth
ing in your reach to spread the propaganda. Do miracles on daily basis, take don
ations for making a temple of your god, do more miracles, get the famous newspap
ers and magazines publish your take on spirituality (and learn some really heavy

words related to spirituality), do some more miracles, give interviews on TV an


radio, do still more miracles, make a website, online forum and YouTube channe
dedicated to your religion and from now, use your own brain to make on the spo
tactics because from now on, no one can predict what turn events may take. You
opponents may use any tactics to oppose you and you will have to counter every
attack on the spot. Hence, I suggest you to first research a lot about already
existing religions and spirituality.
d
l
t
r

From now on, you are on your own. It's your quest, anyway and you have to be the
one to give the finishing move. If you will be successful; then one day, you wi
ll be master of all the 6-7 billion slaves inhabiting this planet. If you are un
successful; well, you won't be the only one.
But I hope that you will be successful in your quest of enslaving all the humans
on earth one day. You are the descendants of darkness and it is your duty to ke
ep the lamp of wisdom and intellect always extinguished. I am glad that you are
working for it. Don't forget- people like you have lost their hairs and have got
wrinkles in this quest. Don't let these sacrifices of them down (some opponents
idiots too DIED to promote science- but then, they were idiots and hence, those
deaths weren't sacrifices or anything to mourn about). Always remember that you
were born to turn your descendants into some kind of swine to roll in the same
old decomposed mud. You have an obligation. You have to destroy every chance of
your children's enlightenment. You have to make sure they will always grope in d
arkness and won't find a single lamp of reason and science that may enlighten th
em. You have to shatter every hope of mankind's ascension to next level of intel
lect. It's your supreme duty to destroy the human race.

I hope you won't disappoint me...

Wishing you best of luck...

^@#@^ &!%!+
(One of those above mentioned scientific idiot who is too doomed to die-----WAIT
...AREN'T WE ALL?)