PsychotherapyHELP
Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D., MFCC
Sizzling Relationships & Ecstatic
Marriages Program — NEW!
It is hard to believe that millions of
people get married every single day and
very few of them have ever learned the
fundamentals of marriage. It is a com-
mon truth that you cannot master any-
thing until you learn the basic funda-
mentals. Yet, in our culture, we do not
provide an effective vehicle for coach-
ing people on how to successfully navi-
gate the mysterious waters of fulfilling
marital relationships. We leave such
matters to chance.
What if I were to tell you that you
could learn the basic fundamentals of
marriage, guaranteeing that you will
achieve the utmost of satisfaction from
a relationship made in heaven? Would
you believe me? I can hear the cynics
saying, "Oh, Come on!" But, you can
have the most ecstatic marital relation-
ship just by following the basic funda-
mentals of my “Sizzling Relationships/
Ecstatic Marriages” Program.
TIP OF THE DAY: TIME IS MONEY
Sizzling relationships depend on ex-
tended TIME spent nurturing, caring and
loving one another. Nobody wants to
lose and accumulate losses.
What You Will Learn in the Marriage Program
 Find It or Lose It! Learn the basics of
Uninterrupted Attention.
 The 401K of your Relationship: learn
how to build the Love Fund.
 2007 Communication: Practice and insti-
tute Constructive Communication.
 Turn It ON: Revitalize Romance and
Affection on a daily basis.
As in business, sports and other activi-
ties, marriage follows the same rule:
Everybody Wants to Win.
TIP #1: UNINTERRUPTED ATTENTION
Sometimes it is very difficult to dis- “Dr. Paul” Hannig
cover effective strategies for many areas
of life. But, a weekly commitment to
schedule in Uninterrupted Attention is
a sure winner. Time is your # 1 asset
and your marriage has to be your # 1
priority. Don't squeeze it in between
your other activities! It is the centerfold
around which all of your other activities
must revolve.
Your partner and your marriage must
come first, otherwise you and your part-
ner will deplete the Love Fund and kill
the relationship. I tell you this, because it
is easy and very common to turn a Love
Fund into a Hate Fund.
The Sizzling Relationships/Ecstatic “Schedule Uninterrupted
Attention time on a weekly
Marriages Program takes the guess-
basis to build and maintain
work out of building and maintaining your sizzling relationship.”
sizzling marriages by providing very
powerful and specific guidelines.
Remember, everybody wants to win Inside this issue:
and be a winner in their relationships!
The Right One … Pg. 2
The Right Time
Luck and Intimacy Pg. 2
 Learn the Policy of Satisfying Mutual Building Intimacy: Pg. 3
Mutual Empathy
Agreement.
When Empathy Fails: Pg. 3
 Learn how to eliminate fear and distrust Developing Communi-
from your relationship. cation Skills
 Learn the Principles of the Anger/Victim Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D. Pg. 4
Management Program.
Personality Disorders Pg. 4
 Learn how to rebuild your relationship … and Relationships
PLUS SO MUCH MORE!
Page 2 PsychotherapyHELP

Soul Mates: The Right One at the Right Time

Intimacy can be seen as a search
followed by the successful acquisition
of a prized, sought after object. Inti-
macy is a prize and a goal to be sought
with diligence and passion.
Over an individual's lifespan,
there will be various attempts to estab-
lish some sort of intimacy with another
human being. Some relationships will
display a considerable amount of inti-
macy, but will not stand the test of
time. Other relationships seem to have
a long-term quality to them and the
couple is able to achieve the ultimate
goal of a permanent, one to one rela-
tionship with each other.
The institution of marriage seems
to be the one universal invention that
human beings collectively use as the
principal vehicle for establishing and
maintaining the ideal intimate relation-
ship. Finding “the right one” at the
"right time," is a highly personal and
individual matter. Even so, the quest
for intimacy is fraught with the possi-
bilities of experiencing incredible joy
and happiness or conversely, Hell and
depression.
So, why do people seek out the
actualization of intimacy? The answer
lies in the fact that as advanced mam-
mals, we have developed instinctual
mechanisms for perpetuating our kind.
The reward of intimacy is too
compelling to be ignored. This does
not rule out the existence of enormous
variability exhibited by human beings,
trying to establish a satisfying degree
of human intimacy. Even though there
are some common denominators con-
cerning intimacy shared by most hu-
mans, each person achieves it or fails
at it in a highly unique way.
Whatever the outcome, intimacy “The reward of intimacy is too
can grow into greater love or greater compelling to be ignored.”
hate. If you are one of the lucky ones,
then you might have established a per-
manent love relationship early in your yourself being the target of failure and
life. You may even have been lucky rejection. What may seem to be the end
enough to have found the Love Of of your search for the love of your life,
Your Life with much less effort than may just have been another step along
other people. Or, if you are like some the way.
people, you may have had to work
hard at establishing an intimate rela- Then again, some of you may have
tionship with someone that you think never completed the task of finding the
is the love of your life. right one and establishing permanent
intimacy. Fear not! Life can still provide
If that happens, then you will have enormous gratification with the fulfill-
to pick up the pieces of disillusion- ment of love. But for those lucky others
ment and proceed with your search. In who have achieved finding the love of
other words, just when you think you their lives, then the journey is excep-
have found the right one, life can take tionally beautiful. These are the lucky
a peculiar twist and you may find ones! Familiarity has produced bliss.

Luck and Intimacy

There are those individuals who The eradication of primal pain and
never seem to struggle to establish a the knowledge gained from the proper
satisfying, close, trouble-free intimate interpretation of experience are two of
relationship. Are these people lucky and the key ingredients for conquering the
does luck have anything to do with canceling any prospect of establishing barriers to intimacy. Early infancy and
achieving intimacy? some degree of true intimacy. childhood experiences are key learning
I would suggest that luck does play experiences for acquiring the necessary
It goes without saying that the in- skills for developing later intimate rela-
a part in the acquisition of intimacy. fluences of the past and the harboring
There are some people who cannot help of primal pain has a considerable effect tionships.
but put up a lot of unconscious barriers on a person’s capacity to establish pro- The phenomenon of learning
and defenses against intimacy. Perhaps ductive, intimate relationships. Logi- through current experiences is also ex-
the prospect of achieving intimacy cally speaking, the eradication of that tremely important for establishing peak
arouses fear in some individuals and primal pain within the structure of ther- human relationships. Add a little luck,
unconsciously, they cannot help but put apy should erase the impediments to and who knows what can happen!
their stuff in somebody's face, thus intimacy.

Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D.  PsychotherapyHELP  818-882-7404  phannigphd@socal.rr.com  www.psychotherapyhelp.com

PsychotherapyHELP
Building Intimacy: Mutual Empathy
A wonderful tool to deepen inti-
macy in your relationship is mutual
empathy. Mutual empathy occurs in
those relationships and marriages
where both partners recognize and
commit themselves to fulfilling one
another's needs. Constructive conver-
sations are the norm and each person
fully understands and empathizes with
the other person's feelings and needs.
Nothing is left to guesswork.
There are no unilateral decisions
that are made without the full knowl-
edge and consent of the partner. Eve-
rything is open for discussion and both
partners are committed to understand-
When Empathy Fails: Developing Communication Skills
Certain communication styles build
intimacy. Other types of communication
can create withdrawals of love. What
you say and how you say it, has a pro-
found effect on whether you build or
deplete your partner's Love Reservoir.
In fact, inattention to communication
can lead to such grave interpersonal
snafus, that divorce seems to be the only
answer. Poor communication skills
eventually lead to relationship failure,
unless you discover what works and
what does not work.
So, what is the answer? The answer conveys information, creates emotional
lies in you and your partner's ability to reactions and cognitive activities that
analyze your communication skills and contribute or detract from the conversa-
tools. Every relationship has its own
unique communication system and
needs to be examined as such. Each
person in a relationship has communica- hostility and perhaps the real message
tion quirks, snafus, strengths and weak- may get lost.
nesses. The problem with examining a
relationship communication system is
that individuals experience their own
communication skills as being func-
tional. After all, I know exactly what I
am saying and what I mean by what I
say. It's you that is confusing the issue.
Therefore, I need to enter into a state of
conflict with you, in order to straighten
Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D.  PsychotherapyHELP  818-882-7404  phannigphd@socal.rr.com  www.psychotherapyhelp.com
Page 3
ing and fulfilling one another's emo- other. There is a constant monitoring
tional needs. Decisions are postponed of the other person's needs and wishes.
until there is gratifying mutual con-
Mutual empathy implies that both
sent. This forces the couple to brain-
people are fully committed to under-
storm conversations that seek innova-
standing the other person's feelings
tive solutions. and needs. As stated before, satisfying
In this stage, listening and expres- mutual consent is the main policy for
sive skills are functioning optimally. people who have attained mutual em-
One does not go against the wishes pathy in their relationships.
and the emotional needs of the other. The benefits of mutual empathy
Partners are committed to making each
and satisfying mutual consent?… bet-
other fully happy. They adhere to the
ter communication, genuine caring
rule: "Your happiness and your wel-
and concern, deeper levels of trust,
fare are my greatest concerns." No one
and broader base of intimacy for the
attempts to make themselves happy
relationship to continue growing.
and fulfilled at the expense of the
out your faulty communication style. speech should be avoided at all costs.
Are you getting the point here? Actu- These last categories of conversational
ally, it does not matter who is right or methods are ineffective. In fact, they
wrong. It's what works that counts! So, will deplete the Love Fund and turn it
if you wish to build a hot relationship, into a Hate account. Developing clear
you may have to seriously examine your and empathic communication skills will
own and your partner's communication prevent that from happening.
skills and tools. Good communication skills can
At times, nonverbal communication change this
is more important than the actual con-
tent of the message. You will have to
pay strict attention to the content and
volume of speech. The content, itself,
tion. For example, a person may convey
a content message that feels hostile. So,
what is being conveyed? It's usually the
To this!
Pessimism, arrogance, self-
centeredness, humorlessness, gloom,
anxious, preachiness, distrustful, hostile
and angry intonations don't work if you
are trying to build a powerful Love ac-
count. Blaming, finger-pointing, accus-
ing, labeling, categorizing, lying, exces-
sively rapid or labored speech, mum-
bling, bragging, selling and circuitous
Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D., MFCC
The Man behind the Sizzling Relationships/Ecstatic Marriages Program

“Dr. Paul” is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in

California. Dr. Hannig has specialized in (but not limited to) mood, anxiety
and personality disorders, depression, phobias, relationship conflict, psycho-
sis, spiritual psychotherapy, deep feeling therapy, and core identity work. His
therapy model is experiential, psychoanalytical, and integrative, combining an
individual, interactional and multi-generational approach to treatment. In addi-
tion to private practice, he has made his expertise available to people
nationwide via his Telephone Therapy Program.
Over the years, beginning with his education at Temple University and his
PsychotherapyHELP early days as supervisor and trainer at Philadelphia State Hospital, Dr. Hannig
10170-4 Larwin Avenue has developed many insights as to how early emotional pain and trauma is
Chatsworth, CA 91311 linked to the formation of severe personality, mood and anxiety disorders.
Phone: 818-882-7404 His professional writing credits include the "Journal of Counseling and De-
Email: phannigphd@socal.rr.com velopment", "Aesthema Journal" and the "IPA Newsletter" by the International
URL: www.nvo.com/psych_help Primal Association, "Hypnosis Quarterly", The Miami Herald (Florida newspa-
per), The Daily News (Los Angeles newspaper), Warner Center Newspaper,
Valley Parent Magazine, "The California Therapist Magazine" by the Califor-
nia Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, and the Institute's newslet-
ter. Internationally, his articles have appeared in the European magazine
We’re on the web! "Kindheit". New articles and therapy information can be found at his website,
“PsychotherapyHELP, at www.nvo.com/psych_help.
www.nvo.com/psych_help

Personality Disorders and Relationships

Personality disorders are pervasive,
highly entrenched, persistent and resis-
tant to change. It does not matter what
kind of personality disorder an individ-
ual possesses, be it borderline, schiz-
oid, narcissistic, obsessive compulsive,
avoidant, dependent, inhibited, etc.,
the disorders are disruptive and corro-
sive to interpersonal relationships and
the pursuit of one's happiness. Projec-
tion and repression are common, diffi-
cult defense mechanisms of the per-
sonality disordered. Consequently, any
one who has to live with a person pos-
sessing a disordered personality can
attest to how difficult it is to get be-
yond that person's defenses, unreal
facades and ascriptions of malevolent
intent onto intimate love objects.
A personality disorder is a hidden
disorder. The person may appear to be
quite calm, rational and even func-
tional to the average observer. The
personality disorder does not become
Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D.  PsychotherapyHELP  818-882-7404  phannigphd@socal.rr.com  www.psychotherapyhelp.com
evident until one becomes more inti-
mately involved. As repressed child-
hood damage begins to seep into inti-
mate relationships, the transference
and counter-transference phenomena
becomes disturbingly evident.
For an intense personality distur-
bance to be formed, the victim has had
to suffer some form of early depriva-
tion, neglect and abandonment from
both father and mother. It's the combi-
nation and intensity of both parents’
disturbances that create the transfer-
ence/counter-transference reaction in
the personality disordered individual,
as though the sins of the parents are
visited upon their children. In essence,
the personality disordered individual is
programmed and scripted to eventually
activate earlier disturbances within
adult relationships.
Relationships are destroyed by
personality disorders. These people
can't maintain and sustain "in love"
relationships. Eventually, they are
compelled to act out emotional with-
drawal and disintegration of their adult
bonding processes.
Personality Disordered individuals
create disturbances and activate early
deprivation experiences in their part-
ners which eventually threatens to
destroy the relationship. They do not
have an stable, on-going sense of a
real self but are dominated by their
defenses and their unreal self.
Ultimately, the hope for the person-
ality disordered individual lies in the
re-experiencing, full feeling and inte-
gration of emotional pain so that one
can become real enough to live a clear,
centered and productive life.
If the dynamics of your relation-
ship has reached toxic and damaging
levels, please don’t hesitate to seek
therapeutic help.