THE BOOK OF J

Font
Ryan-Press Start 2P,Telegraphy
Medieval Sharp for the moderation of this Tome

is

art,

Brother Nathan (suck on my reenie beanie)

My font is CraftY Girls
Wei-Da
I picked this one because the name is a sexual innuendo (Emilys Candy)
John
I like this font because its in all caps
-Jasper
THis font is called chewy cause i'm a huge fag
Dan
Becauseiamthegirlnextdoor-Brenton

Although he had no contribution to this Tome, we dedicate this Font to Brother

Tyrus Perdue (Indie Flower)

Jacobs

Wise

Words

-Am I kawaii yet? (ishness)

-I hath never seeneth you winneth
lane (Masashi)
-Blood as a lubricant
-omg such trash
-Dead girls cant say no

The Lord of Darkness Cometh

thy

It was the year 500, and dinosaurs roamed the earth.

Among them was the(faggot) Schenk, one of Jacobs former
disciples that had been cast from Summoners Rift for his
ungodly scrubbery(faggotry). However, as he descended to the
earth, the(faggot) Schenk tainted the earth, forcing the lord JJ to
work his influence in subtle ways. Mechanized Satanosaurs,
nicknamed Nunu Bots, rooted out secret worshippers of the
true path and executed them, making existence hard for those
of true faith. The lord JJ became a scorned object among the
people and dinos of Earth, so he was reborn as the Lord of
Darkness. Striking fear into the hearts of NunuBots everywhere,
he wreaked havoc in the night with his advanced technology. The
lights would go out, and JJrangs would come flying from the
depths of the abyssal darkness, incapacitating the the helpless
NunuBots. Those that remained quickly fled, leaving behind the
remains of their soiled trousers.
The Schenk, furious with the Lords Victories, kidnapped the
child of the wise Jaconian sage Dracomarinus, in hopes that by
killing him, he would make an example of all who dared contest
his rule. As he was about to throw the boy to the Sacrificial
Altar of Satan, the Lord JJ swooped in and caught the boy.
Hordes of blasphemers screamed in hatred at the sight of the
pure lord, and began chasing him away. The boy asked his.
Gordon: "They'll hunt you."
Batman: "You'll hunt me. You'll condemn me. Set the dogs on me.
Because that's what needs to happen. Sometimes, truth isn't
good enough, sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes
people deserve to have their faith rewarded."
*Batman runs away*

Jim Jr: "Batman! Batman! Why is he running Dad? He didn't do

anything wrong..."
Gordon: "Because he's the hero Summoners Rift deserves, but
not the one it needs right now...and so we'll hunt him, because he
can take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a silent guardian, a
watchful protector...a dark knight. "
Vayne
Vayne was an exorcist who devoted her
life to the Lord of everything good in
the world STOP She was the most trusted
champion of the Lord and always got her
target STOP Using the power of silver
and condemn, she rekt teams, destroying
corruption STOP She, like many of
Jacobs Champs, had escaped Morellos
Rock Solid Extreme Killer Super Fun
Amazing Death Foam Nerf Bat (i.e. Lee
Sin) STOP Vayne snowballed out of
control as she used her #VayneMechanics
to outmaneuver all other champions STOP
Jacob

and

Goliath

The war had started between the

Gatmaitists and the blasphemers STOP
The blasphemers sent down their biggest
fighter, an eight foot giant, wearing a
Blu shirt STOP The Gatmaitists were
afraid, but the Lord said, I will go
STOP The Lord Jacob walked down
carrying nothing but a sling. The
goliath said, Little little man STOP
However, as The Lord walked closer, the
Goliath understood true terror STOP The

Lords mighty form stood great in

comparison with the giants, and with
one swing with his sling, he brought
the giant down STOP The Lord stood atop
the body of the mighty foe and boomed,
Wow, such trash STOP
Jacob

and

the

Ark

From atop his mighty throne, the Lord

looked down upon the earth and cried
out, The Rift has so many scrubs!
STOP He called upon the disciple Sun
and told him to summon the almighty
Nami to wash away the scrubs STOP The
Sun said, We must preserve 2 of every
creep and creature of this land STOP
Jacob whispered to a loyal Gatmaitist,
You will carry STOP The Gatmaitist
built a ship in which he carried 2 of
every jungle creep and minion and
carried them to victory as Nami Tidal
Waved the world and knocked every one
10 feet in the air and killed them STOP
Except for Olaf and Alistar STOP
Edjreal
Edjreal wuz the Lords rite hand
champeeon STOP Legind haz it the Lord
has nevuh ben cot beecuz of hiz
profeshunl kites STOP With a silly
escaip and silly damej, Edjreal always
lives the fites and
420360noscopequickscopes thum off laitr
STOP Jacob has never mized a singll
Edjreal ult and he alwaiz kills the
blazfuhmers STOP

Messiah
When Jacob was but a young lad he was
poor and did not have a glorious beard
STOP He decided to teach the plebeians
around him to get better at league STOP
With his mighty magnificence he spread
his wise words to those who listened
STOP He then learned that he was a
mighty being sent on earth to save it,
and to demonstrate his power, he stood
on a water bottle STOP And then he came
to become known as the Messiah STOP

Jew Stories Jacobized

Jacob Creates the World
In the beginning, there was nothing, just Jacob. Jacob decided there should be
creatures to worship him, so he decided to make the world and with it, League
of Legends. On the first day, Jacob separated the light from the darkness,
creating Lux and Nocturne. Then he saw that it was #vaynemechanics and
played League of Legends even though it didn't exist yet until the next day.
On the second day, Jacob separated the heavens and the earth, creating
Malphite. Then he saw that it was #vaynemechanics, and played League of
Legends even though it didn't exist yet until the next day. On the third day he
separated the sea from the dry land. He also used his #vaynemechanics to
cause plants of all shapes and sizes to grow, creating Moakai and plant bitches
like Zyra. Jacob saw that it was #vaynemechanics and played League of
Legends even though it didn't exist yet until the next day. On the fourth day,
Jacob created the sun, the moon, and the stars, creating Leona, Diana, and
Soraka. He also made measurements of time, creating Zilean. Then he saw that
it was #vaynemechanics and played League of Legends even though it didn't
exist yet until the next day. On the fifth day, Jacob created all of the animals
living in the sea and birds flying above, creating Nami, Fizz, and Anivia and
Valor (not Quinn b/c people don't exist yet and also she is a bitch). Then Jacob

saw that it was #vaynemechanics and played League of Legends even though
it didn't exist yet until the next day. On the sixth day, Jacob created all of the
beasts and all of the other animals that existed on earth, creating Alistar,
Casseopia, Nidalee, Nasus, Nunu, Rammus, Renekton, Rengar, Shen, Shyvanna,
Skarner. Volibear, Warwick, Wukong, Twitch, Trundle, Sejuani, ChoGath,
KogMaw, and Kha Zix, Then he made humans, creating Darius, NO IM LAZY NOT
GONNA LIST DEM ALL. Thes he saw that it was #vaynemechanics and played
League of Legends even though it almost did but didn't exist yet until the next
day. On the seventh day, Jacob created all dem Yordles and monsters and
miscellaneous champs and everyone else and in the Jewish story thing he rests
on the seventh day but for the purposes of this NO. Then, League of Legends
was complete. Jacob was the best at it and played it forever and ever and
ever and ever and ever and ever.
The First Jacobist
Back in the year 600, only 200 years after Jacob created the earth, there
was a boy named Lee Sin. He wasnt blind yet, and his father worked as an idol
maker. His father made idols of champs like Thresh. Many people worshipped
the idols, thinking they would help them reach diamond. One day, Lee Sins
father went on a business trip to solo q. He instructed Lee Sin to make sure
nothing happened to the idols. Lee thought to himself, why do we worship
idols? He realized there must be only one true god: Jacob. Lee Sin had an idea.
He took a Ravenous Hydra and smashed all of the idols in his fathers workshop
except for the biggest one, Ashe. Then he put the Ravenous Hydra in that
statues hands. When his father came home, he got mad at Lee Sin. What did
you do to the idols! He asked angrily. The Ashe idol was stupid and had a bad
build and got ravenous hydra, and then killed all the other idols Thats
impossible! Idols can't move Lees dad replied. So Lee Sin got the Ravenous
Hydra out of the Ashe idols hands and killed his dad. And thats how Lee Sin
Became the First Jacobist.
The Town of Bronze V
There once was a town called Bronze V. Everyone in it was an evil feeding

scrub. They didnt ward or ping and were always overextended. They couldnt
last hit and the supports auto attacked minions and kept farming in lane even if
there was a fight right next to them.. Worst of all, they didnt believe in our
lord and savior Jacob. Jacob told his prophet, Vayne, that he would destroy the
town of Bronze V and its inhabitants. Vayne begged him to save the scrubs for
some reason. Jacob agreed, but only if Vayne could find 10 good players in
Bronze V. Vayne searched and searched, but he could only find scrubs. Finally,
Vayne found the only good players. They explained that they always ended up
being on a team with trolls and DCers so thats why they were forced to live in
Bronze V. However there were only 9 of them, so Vayne had to agree to let the
town of Bronze V and its inhabitants be destroyed. She led them out of Bronze
V just as the nexus started to explode. She instructed them not to look back no
matter what. However, Ashe, being a dumb bitch, looked back and was turned
into a bush.
The Tower of Jacob
Once a bunch of scrubs who knew Jacob was the one true god who is up in the
clouds (Diamond) decided they should build a giant tower so high they could
see their savior Jacob. The construction started fine, as even though they
were scrubs because they knew how to ward and communicate. Jacob was
unhappy because they were spending all their time building a stupid fucking
tower. He also knew they were scrubs who weren't worthy of even glimpsing
him . So he used his awesomeness to make them unable to communicate. When
one would turret dive for a kill, the other ones wouldnt go in. They didnt call
or ping mias. They raged when they died and blamed each other and muted
each other. Because of their nub scrubbiness, they had to stop building the
tower and move on to more important things . . . like sucking Jacobs cock.
Jacob invents Circumcision
One day our Lord and Savior Jacob was masturbating to Heartseeker Vayne
when he realized it was really annoying that his foreskin kept getting in the
way so he cut it off. Then everyone wanted to fuck him even more. And thats
how babies are made.

The Story of the Lowly Jacob

Once upon a time there was a Jacob (Jacob meaning human being for you uncultured plebs).
He was really bad at league so he asked the lord Jacob to imbue him with the power of
Jacob. Then the lowly Jacob was imbued with the essence of Jacob. Then the Jacob got 12
pentakills in one game. He then gave his virginity to the great lord Jacob. Then the Jacob
used his newfound powers to spread the word of Jacob.
Jacob is da best at leeg, praise be to Jacob. All hail the lord.
-Lowly Jacob
Jacob and Zed
One day Jacob met Zed in the supermarket in the produce aisle. They knew it was love at
first sight. They went into the bathroom of the supermarket and got it on. Afterwards
Zeds lover Shen went into the bathroom and saw semen everywhere. He was furious with Zed.
Jacob noticed this and used his mad #vaynemechanics powers to banish shen to the shadow
aisles. Then Jacob and Zed ran off into Jacobland and got married forever.
Jacob Creates Riot Games
One day while Jacob was being Jacob (synonymous with awesome) he decided that he would
make his first truly great creation. He thought of a new word called RIOT GAMES and
that was what he called his creation. His creation soon made a game called League of
Jacob and of course Jacob was the best at it. Then Jacob created things like
#Vaynemechanics and insec mechanics. Jacob was every pro player and every player. Every
player had a teeny tiny bit of Jacobs essence inside of them.
Jacob Gets Rich
One day Jacob had a brilliant idea. He would steal all the money in the world and burn all
of it except for $1. Then he went to the world bank and stole all the money. He burned it
all except for one dollar. It was the best day of his life as a god.
Jacob Invents Incest
Once upon a time Jacob had another amazing idea. His idea was that he would have sex
with his children. It was brilliant. Jacob then raped 12 of his daughters at the same time.
There was cum everywhere. It was the best day of Jacobs life as a god.

Jacob Invents the Insta Lock and Queue Dodge and Mid or Feed
One day Jacob was feeling like a total and utter fagdick. He said, Fuck my team, for I
am god! I am going to instantly lock in as Riven and everyone will like it! After his team
said he couldnt have top he exited out of LoL and smote everyone on his team.

Jacob Invents Snap-backs

One day Jacobs head was feeling cold, so he thought: what if I could invent something stylish
that would warm my head? Then he created Snap-backs and he also created $W4G. It
was the best day of his life as a god.

Jacob and Job

One day this cracka ass lokkin doode was all like hey you
jacob, I am so fuckin hood that i am the most faithful no
matta what. So , the Devil , who heard this cos all he dos is
watch jacob cos hes a creepy whore, decided hey how bout
this jacob, you mess this guises day up and ill give you all the
women and all the money you need. Jacob had no need for
these material objects but he figured damn it I dont like Job
anyways. So jacob came down from heaven and started
hurling lightning and brown snakes, so job, seeing what his
lord and savior was doing pulled out his gat and started
shooting at jacob, jacob realized that he was being shot at
chuckled to himself, he picked Job up and pulled his skinny
jeans to his ankles and started tearing Job in half with his
massive stirring spoon. So Job was screaming in pain

because his very soul was being fucked from his body and
though he was dead Job collapsed to his knees and began
praying to the very man who killed him, though he was stupid
as shit, Job remained faithful
JACOB INVENTS EUCLEIDES
One day, Jacob was patrolling the earth, surveying the loyalty
of his subjects. He noticed a surprising lack of faith coming
from a small boy in Rome. This boy, named Sextus, was
beating off to a picture of Apollodore and doing drugs, which
Jacob would normally condone. However Sextus was also
thinking of games, a practice considered blasphemy in the
religion of Jacob. Jacob thought long and hard about what he
would do in order to punish this abominable child. Suddenly,
an idea struck his magnificent head. He would force the boy
to be in the company of a nerdy, annoying as fuck, but
nonetheless intelligent man by the name of Eucleides. This
man was truly holy, that is, he wasnt directly configured to
believe in the religion of Jacob, because as you know the
ancient Romans were stupid because the didnt know of Jacob
yet I digress. Eucleides was an old as fuck book lover, he
believed in the power of books not games. This species bred
commonly, with any inanimate object they could find whether
it be sextus or books (mostly books). Eucleides began to
expand. Their reach seemingly infinite. Jacob knew he had to
stop the Eucleides for their power was beginning to rival his

own. Jacob held an annual book festival that gathered all of

the Eucleides in the world into one cathedral. Jacob then
loudly blared the song Take me out to the Ball Game, killing
all of the Eucleides. The mere mention of Games
incinerating their brains, causing a massive genocide. The
people were happy once again.

Jacob and my Lulu support

The queue was cold and dark as Lord
Jacob locked in ad carry. All other roles
were taken besides support. I, Brother
Jasper, had to take support. It was Lulu
free week. We entered the lane and death
after death Lulu fed.
Jacob

and

Isaac

Jacob needed to test peoples faith, so

he said to Abraham, Heres five grand
if you kill your son, Isaac STOP And
so, Abraham did STOP And then Jacob
facepalmed and handed Abraham the
monies STOP
Jacob

and

Ismail

Jacob needed to test peoples faith,

he said to Ibrahim, Heres some alms
you kill your son, Ismail STOP

so
if

Ibrahim took his best ram and

sacrificed it in the name of Jacob STOP
As Jacob motorboated the intestines of
the ram, he handed Ibrahim some alms
and Ismail lived happily ever after
STOP Until Ibrahim sacrificed him for
more alms STOP

Jacob

invents

the

Tribunal

It was a time of strife STOP Scrubs,

trolls, noobs, and feeding chewies ran
around the Rift STOP They needed to be
stopped STOP So Jacob took upon the
people of the Rift and said, If thy
teammates sucketh, report them and
prosper in elo hell forever STOP From
then on, people lived in peace once in
every 100 games because everyones an
asshole STOP

Jacob

Declines

Once upon a time, the Disciples fed

STOP From then on, the Lord would
decline most friendly invitations to
join STOP

Jacob and Ruby

One day Jacob was walking down the street of Summoners
Rift a strange looking woman approached jacob and grabbed
his arm, whispering the words would you like some candy,

sugar? Jacob, thinking of course that this odd woman was

offering him actual candy accepted her offer, she proceeded
to get on her knees and unzipped his pants, before Jacob was
able to react the sight of his cock wiped Rubys face off of the
earth, sending her to the depths of elo hell.
Jacob and the story of the Golden Shower
Among other things Jacob very much enjoyed showering, As a
matter of fact showering was Jacobs favorite thing to do in
his spare time. One day a strange man, who sold magical
mushrooms in a back alley of Crystal Scar, told Jacob a story
of a mysterious Golden Shower. Excited at the promise of a
magical shower that would be slightly above room
temperature and would smell of pears. These things were very
hard to come by considering he lived in heaven which was
exactly 300,000,000,000 miles above earth in the highest
clouds, it was very cold and pears were very scarce. So,
expecting a nice warm shower, Jacob closed his eyes and was
elated at the feeling of warm water pouring down the back of
his neck as he opened his eyes he noticed something odd. The
liquid pouring on him was not water, it was golden and shiny.
He then realized that must be why it is called a golden
shower, he was being showered with Ichor, the blood of the
gods. Jacob bestowed upon the man with any wish he granted.
And so Jacob walked away from Crystal Scar with a smile on
his face and behind him the strange man dragged the small

boy behind a bush.

Jacob

and

the

Golden

Shower

2.0

Jacob met a man in the rift, who was

old and sold many an item STOP The man
offered him many gifts, the legendary
Heart of Gold, Philosophers Stone,
Avarice Blade, and Kages Lucky Pick
STOP Money poured out of the sky and
The Lord called out, Money in the
bank, pimpin aint easy

JacoboursaviormeetsShrekalmighty.

twasafineeveninginthelandoftheholywithour
lordandsaviorblessingourkindsouls.untiloneday
whencloudsdarkenedthesky.greenclouds.thiswas
anominoussignobviouslyandweprayedtoJacobour
lordandsaviortolookintothismatterandofcourse
heobligedsowillingly.notevenafortnightitwaswhen
lordJacobreturnedtouswithgravenewsofanother
godenteringourrealmfromanotherdimensioncalled
Shrekalmighty.amightybattlewasabouttotake
placesoweprepared.theholykingdomwasarmedto
theteethwithweaponsandchastitybelts.nosooner
thanthattheskiesdarkenedwithadarkshadeof
greenandJacobdressedinhisbattleuniform

(cottontailJacob)roseintotheairtoconfrontShrek.
Jacobchosesomeofhisclosestworshipperstoworship
himthounameswereBrentontheHalf,Wei-dathe
Kawaii,Jaspertheteamcaptain,ryantheAsian,and
lastlySirDanthefuckingannoyingpieceofshitIII.
ThesewarriorswereateamnamedasTEAM
DESUUUUUU.Shrekmadethefirstmoveandlunged
atsirdanevadingJacobandmovingtotheweaker
targets.Sirdanbeingthefuckingannoyingpieceof
shitheisdidnothingbutcowerasshrekpenetrated
himwithamightyroar.danstutteredI-I-Imafaggot
feederbeforepassingoutcoldontothefloor.thenWei-
datheKawaiisummonedFranzlLangandyodeledto
shrekrenderinghimmute.AsBrentonthehalfcalled
sirdanaHugefagfortakingitupthebuttsomuch
RyanmadeprayersofstrengthtoJacobwhowas
FiringhisholypowersatShrekwhofiredgreencumin
return.Jaspertheteamcaptainsatinthebackground
andyelledateveryonethattheywerebadashedid
nothinghimself.onceshrekwasbestedbyjacobhe
growledI'llbeback,Laddiesbeforedisappearing
throughtheportalinwhichhecamefrom.andJACOB
WASOURSAVIORONCEAGAIN.

Gallery

The Final Entry

The time has come upon us that the Lord must leave, and
it is at this time that we shall send him along his merry
way with gratitude for the blessings he has brought
upon this Holy Land of $W4G High School. As such, we
offer our Lord this Holy Tome in hope that he may
cherish his time with his underlings spent in our humble
land. We have been graced by His Presence and it is the
sad fate that we must depart. Although our time together
was short, it is fate Holy Men must depart to seek
greater lands to bring forth Salvation. With reluctance,
we leave you, but we hope that Providence may bring
forth our unity in the future to come.