make

your home
a
soul oasis!

www

house-coach

.com

Come Home to Yourself

An inspirational self-help book using Interior Design and Life Coaching tools
Limited edition for BoConcept
By Kirsten Steno

Title: www.House-Coach.com
by Kirsten Steno
Graphic editing: Claus Bradsted, www.Image-Factory.dk
Editor: Diana Soloman, www.MyVADiana.com
Printed by: Zeuner Grafisk, Odder
Cover illustration: Lydia Wienberg, www.WienbergDesign.eu
Photo :
Jean-Francois JAUSSAUD/ LUXPRODUCTIONS.COM
Jens Erik Bk, www.HighwayStudio.dk
Claus Bradsted, www.Image-Factory.dk
Jonas Ahlstrm, www.JonasFotografi.dk
Diana Lovring, www.DianaLovring.com
BoConcept, www.BoConcept.com
Text and design: Kirsten Steno 2013
1st limited edition for BoConcept July 2013
"How to Find Out Who You Really Are" by Anne Lamott. Copyright 2009, Anne Lamott, originally published in
'O' Magazine, used by permission of The Wylie Agency (UK) Limited.
The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment
for physical, emotional or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent
of the author is only to offer helpful information of a general nature. It is your right to use any of the information in
this book for yourself; the author and BoConcept assume no responsibility for your actions.

CONTENT
What is a House-Coach?
Why BoConcept, House-Coaching and Me?
Get to know Kirsten Steno
The Power Of Home
When Do You Need a House-Coach in Your Life?
Young-Love Nest: Boy Meets Girl
Boy, Girl, Plus Baby
My own Story
The Challenges of the Single Parent
Our Story
How to be a Happy Patchwork Family
The Guardians of Things
Young at heart
Pathfinder Vision Board
Thank You
RESOURCE: Tool Box

4
6
10
12
17
29
41
53
63
73
87
97
111
123
128
130

Karen Blixen: Babettes Feast and Other Anecdotes of Destiny

our longing is our

pledge, and blessed
are the homesick
for they shall come
home.
4

What is
a House-Coach?
Home and Life Coach equals House-Coach. The
pronunciation is deliberately close to house-coat, a
comfortable and very private object of clothing. You allow very few people to see you in a house-coat! But it
represents your bodys comfort zone.
I am a House-Coach, a certified Martha Beck
Life Coach and interior designer for 25 years. The more
I work with people in their homes the more I realize
House-Coaching has developed in answer to a powerful
voice of restlessness from deep within us. That voice calls
out for Home, it yearns for Home, and for belonging, for
safety and peace. House-Coaching is the cure for feeling
Homesick-at-Home and is the end to longing for life
in your life.
I, myself, used to be so discontented, always wanting to live somewhere else with another version of my
lover or another version of my own body. I wanted another job, more money, and better health. In fact, I was
homesick in my life. In my mind all I could see was
lack. Unfortunately, I didnt realize then that I already
had so much for which to be grateful!
I have changed the major course of my life as many
times as I have moved. And thats a lot! Small changes in
my personal life (weight loss, job loss, etc.) have immediately and unconsciously been expressed in my home
with new decorations, new colors or by rearranging the
furniture. The more I expressed those changes, the better
I felt about my home. And the better I felt about myself.
That is because Home equals Me. And Home equals You!
(Read why in The Power of Home chapter). I now experience the bliss of living in freedom and gratitude and
would love to help you move away from unhappiness
and into gratitude, too.

How do you do this? By understanding and loving who you really are and realizing what home really is:
a metaphor for You and how you feel inside. Once you
truly accept and love who you are in the present, you can
learn to fully appreciate where you live right now and
find joy in life and in nesting.
Please bear in mind that coaching is not therapy
or counseling, although it is relationship-based and confidential. So, how is it different? Basically, life coaches
(and I as a House-Coach) work with the conscious mind,
while therapists work with the unconscious mind. Therapists and psychologists work with deeper psychological
issues, and need to delve deeply into the past. Coaches
help healthy people be the best they can be, while therapists often work with a state of poor mental health, even
pathology. (Although its true that many people invest
in therapy simply to learn about themselves and push
themselves to growth.) I am not a therapist, and I often
refer a client to a professional when I recognize issues
that need deeper work than coaching provides. But for
most people, House-Coaching is very powerful and even
life-changing!
I encourage you to make the place you live the
place you love. I hope youll find inspiration from the
following stories of people I have coached from all over
the world, many of whom are sharing the same life and
home challenges you have, right now. I sincerely hope the
coaching tools and interior design ideas I have learned
and invented will help you see yourself and your home
with new compassionate eyes. Start loving who you are,
and where you live for real forever!

Why
BoConcept,
House-Coaching
and Me?
I met the CEO of BoConcept, Torben Paulin, by
pure coincidence. I was rushing to a scheduled press
meeting with BoConcept and the Danish press in Herning, the location of the head office. I was a bit late... So
on two wheels I spun into the parking lot, just as Torben
was climbing out of his car. I had delivered Trend Talks
in Denmark for some months, but didnt know anything about BoConcept International or what their CEO
looked like. So I just pulled up next to the first approachable human being I saw to ask where the press meeting
was taking place!
He shook his head. No, there isnt any meeting
today, he told me, with a confident air, sounding sure
of this fact.
I insisted and even showed him my I-phone. See,
look, its the right date.
He reached for my cell phone, enlarged the invitation and said, Yeah, it is today, but its in Copenhagen...
Well. How silly did I feel? I was stunned and all
I could do was recite a popular TV commercial for a
well-known company. It mocks people who need glasses
but refuse to buy them, then make funny mistakes. And
regret it!
Should have gone to X! I mimicked the commercial, and we both had a good laugh. Then I went
on, a bit ruefully, Well, no worries. At least I wasnt
the speaker wouldnt THAT have been terrible? We
laughed again.
Waving him good-bye and thanking him for his
help, I drove off, heading home to prepare for a Trend
Talk I was giving that evening near my hometown. Once
at the venue, who should arrive but Torben and his wife?
As it turned out, they lived 15 minutes from my home.

I launched into my first public Trend Talk on

House-Coaching, a few months after passing my exam
as a Martha Beck Life Coach. And it went so well! I was
fired up and impassioned as I shared my desire to help
people with this system. The audience laughed and cried
and it was a wonderful night for all of us. At the end
Torben came up to me, a big smile on his face, and shook
my hand. After chuckling again about our meeting in the
parking lot, he had a question for me.
Why dont I know about you? Have you published your new book yet?
I replied, No, not yet. And then I had my third
surprise of the day.
Wed love to publish your book, with a world
tour to sign books, and we need you to teach our Interior Consultants about House-Coaching!
OK. Oh, my, uh. Who are you??? I stumbled
and stuttered, feeling wowed and a bit confused at the
same time. He handed me his business card. Without
my glasses on (should really have gone to X) I could
see the title: CEO, BoConcept. I gasped, but tried to be
cool! Oh my, this was a match made in Home-Heaven!
Since then I have given my House-Coaching
tools to those who teach new interior designers at the
BoConcept Academy. I have given Trend Talks in several countries, and the result has always been the same.
Whether in the USA or Europe, Homesick-at-Home
feels just the same to everyone. After my talks many in
the audience approach me, give me a hug, look into my
eyes through visible tears and share a few of their homelife secrets. I am more than happy to hug them back and
give them a dedicated moment of my life, just so grateful
my words could begin to set them free.

I am also deeply grateful for the opportunity

BoConcept has given me: this chance to spread the good
news and help people. My job is to help my clients understand why they feel so stuck, so lost, so lonely or so
homesick, and to help them create a lovely, peaceful and
soul-restoring life and home. Alone I can only reach a
few people, even via Skype worldwide, but with the support of BoConcept and the publication of this book I
can reach many people everywhere. There are so many
people in a state of transition who need to know they are
not alone and that there is an answer. There is more than
hope, there is a way forward!
I hope youll enjoy this book yourself and give a
copy to a friend, someone who is in the midst of his or
her own challenges, the type these chapters describe.
I hope youll find freedom and joy in decorating your
home and through that home create the life you were
meant to live. You may connect and resonate with the
spiritual themes throughout the book, or you may not.
But either way, the tools and concepts I present are functional, timely, and quite simply, powerful. Life changing,
in fact. They worked for me, for friends, colleagues and
many clients. And they will work for you.

The second and very important reason I am publishing this limited edition for BoConcept is to support
and recommend the wonderful people I have met everywhere in BoConcepts stores no matter the country.
They shine in a special, dedicated way. They want to sell
you their products, of course; its their art and their way
to make a living. But above all they truly want to help
you come home. They want you to maximize what
you buy by incorporating new furniture and accessories with those you already own and love at home. The
BoConcept interior decorators (or Consultants might
be more precise) are being taught how to employ these
House-Coaching tools, some of which youll find in this
book.
I am very fortunate to be working with such
lovely people, with such brilliant management and with
such lovely furniture!
Welcome home!
Love
Kirsten Steno

I also enjoy working with BoConcept, because they represent

every step of the home cycle. Here you have a wonderful example of "Boy, Girl, plus Baby" in the home of the designer
Karim Rashid, who lives in New York. This room and garden is
colorful, creative and fun to look at. It must be fun to live in! He
has won many prestigious design awards (as you can see on his
website www.karimrashid.com) and this year, 2013, he received
the Red Dot Award for BoConcept with his design, Ottawa
Collection.

Get to know
Kirsten Steno
In Denmark, her country of origin, where Danish Design has been part of her life for more than 30
years, Kirsten is known for her empathetic approach to
interior design. She always focuses on the hearts desires
of her client, aiming to uncover the feelings behind the
thoughts that keep them from living a fulfilling life in a
happy home.
After going through her fair share of catalytic life
events, she published her first self-help book on interior
design, Home with a Heart in 2008. It became very popular, in part due to the shock of the worldwide Regression. Many people were hit hard and still feel lost with
regard to home and family. Kirstens great gift to her clients is her wealth of shortcuts and tools to lead them
home to a life filled with Love Peace and Harmony. Her
clients may have little money or a great deal either way,
Kirstens ideas are always very creative!
Over the last 20 years, she helped decorate more
than 1,800 homes, offices, hotels, companies and cottages all over Europe in her heartfelt manner! She has
owned her own interior design furniture shop and her
Heart to Heart sales techniques help many corpora-

10

tions, including BoConcept and their interior decorators and sales personnel, to offer a more authentic approach to satisfying their customers.
After her bout with cancer, and reading many brilliant self-help books, she decided to become a life coach,
herself. She is a now a certified Martha Beck Life Coach
who combines her teachings with interior design. As the
only global House-Coach, she decided to write a book
of the same name. By using modern technology, she
now helps clients all over the world; via phone, laptop or
I-pad she pays her clients a visit and helps them create
better homes and lives for themselves, whether alone,
with partners and/or children.
Kirsten will be delivering Trend Talks with
BoConcept all over the world and spreading the good
news of House-Coaching. People everywhere need
to know they can come Home to where they live, and
Home to themselves!
Next on her agenda is the publication of a spiritual
self-help book that will benefit churches worldwide. For
more information, read about Pay It Forward Home
Ministries on her website: www.house-coach.com.

11

Anne Lamott

To love yourself as you are

is a miracle, and to seek yourself is to have found yourself,
for now. And now is all we
have, and love is who we are.

Kirsten Steno

To love home as it is
is a miracle, and to seek home
is to have found home, for now
and now is all we have,
and love is what home is.
12

Lorena Siminovich

The Power
Of Home
Its all about love! I understood this a long time ago in my heart but couldnt name it, until I read this poem and
replaced the concept of You with Home:
Therefore, if you make a choice to accept that
wherever you live right now is Home and to accept that
whoever you are in this moment is You and love both,
you find the pearls of Love, Peace and Harmony (something of a mantra in this book!). You have indeed found
a true miracle.
Do you want to change your life situation? Begin by
changing your home!
Do you want to change your home situation? Begin by
changing your attitudes!
After decorating countless homes over the last
20 years, I now know this solution inevitably works
both ways. This explains why we humans have for centuries changed our interior decor, bought cushions and
paintings, and moved furniture around! People often
rearrange furniture, plants and paintings when theyre
restless and feel the need for change. The truth is, they
really long to move forward, or grow inwardly. I regularly
experience those yearnings. How about you?

Have you experienced the power of Home?

Wherever there is Love, Peace and Harmony within the
four walls we inhabit, that home becomes a power station. Your batteries recharge when you enter your front
door. You long for home when youve been away for too
long. Your life and work life outside your home can be
stimulating and rewarding, but often interacting with
other people can be draining. Life inside your four walls
with small children and a spouse can be draining, too,
but thats another story. (Ill address this common issue
later in the chapter entitled, Boy, Girl, Plus Baby, where
there is such a profound need to create a Sanctuary at
Home).
When a life crisis hits, a tired, confused and heartbroken soul always longs for comfort and a safe place to
hide. Home, in the truest and best sense of the concept,
means comfort and safety.
What if for many years you used your home to display an image of success? You started a family, it grew
and then bam, suddenly nothing felt right or good anymore! Divorce? Move? New job? New furniture yeah...

13

But stop! How about defining what makes you feel

happy, warm and joyful? What are the life core values in
your home? What are the life core values for your life? I
have a hunch I know what they are, because deep down
inside all humans yearn for the same things. I will share
this with you in every chapter of this book. When you
know your personal answers to these questions and the
answers are reflected in your home, then your soul will
settle and heal. Your life will change for the better I
guarantee it!
If the place you live is not the place you love, and
being there feels like an itchy woolen sweater or like being naked and transparent, then, my dear reader, you
are Homesick-at-Home. And existing without a lovely,
peaceful and soul-restoring home is exhausting and
painful!
I know how terrible that is and how hard it is to
be alienated from your own soul. Ive been there myself:
divorced, a single mom, poor and living in an ugly, expensive, rented apartment. At that time I was decorating homes for wealthy clients, trying to give them what I
thought I couldnt give myself. I didnt realize I too could
have the same feelings of Love, Peace, and Harmony
even without having the right house, or their income. I
just needed to search within to discover what made me
happy, what soothed my soul, and what comforted me.
And then to surround myself with a few well-chosen
pieces of furniture, accessories and colors to continue to
soothe myself. Every day.
I realized I was sick and tired of being an ordinary interior designer! At the end of the majority of my
meetings with wealthy clients, my patience ran out and
I wanted to smack them hard with their expensive cushions, when they couldnt decide on a lamp, a dining chair
or a color. Today I know better and they have my compassion.
I think God showed me how shallow we can all be.
For decades we have practiced home decoration in a materialistic and image-driven way. I began to understand
and experience empathy for these poor rich women.
Underneath the demanding behavior was real unhappiness, real need, real longing. They too are often just helpless souls looking for Love, Peace, and Harmony in their
lives. They have lost themselves and are desperately seeking Home. Now I take the time to listen, until I uncover
the limiting thoughts which cause them such pain. I can
help all people, rich or poor or in between, as a HouseCoach, and the changes they make in their homes will
inevitably change their lives.

14

Home is You.
The Power of
Home is your own
power. Homesick actually
means You-Sick!
When you play with the interiors of your home,
you play hide-and-seek with your own personality. You
test what makes you happy. You display what is meaningful to you and you give yourself this gift: Love equals
Safe Self-Expression. Children only play when they feel
safe; some need very little from the outside world to feel
safe and others need a great deal. This behavior continues through adolescence and into adulthood. Even as
grown-ups most of us are only able to be creative when
were safe, and in order to feel safe, we all have different
needs. This is always very apparent in the way we decorate our homes. Some people require a lot of things
around them to feel safe and comfortable, while others
need very little. So a hoarder and a minimalistic person
are both longing for safety.
If you have forgotten how to be joyful and playful, it will show in your home. A prime example is a decor style I call Shades of Grey, employing a very strict
and minimalistic mix of decors and furniture. Ive seen
a thousand homes like that and feel it is a tragedy of our
time. We work far too much; we are stuck behind the
computer and stuck to the belief that work is hard and
no fun.
Some of my clients even share the feeling that
taking care of a home and family is an ongoing nightmare. Women have always felt they are supposed to be
good at creating lovely, peaceful and comfortable homes
for their families. Yet I have helped many female clients
who did not know how to nest. At dinner parties they
would rather sit with the boys talking business, finance
or politics than ooh and ah over decor, baking, or
crafts. They dont get the whole Martha Stewart thing and
feel like outcasts. I have orchestrated many anonymous
fixes for these clients!
The ultimate Decorator and Creator is God! Imagine how much fun He had, and still has, designing each

human, plant and animal using thousands of colors, textures and forms. I am awe-struck when I contemplate
Gods creativity in the design of our home, Planet Earth.
Just look at the color scheme on a beach or in a rose
garden!
Out of pure love and joy He has given each of us
unique DNA a trademark, if you will. And with this
physical DNA, I truly believe we also have been given
emotional DNA, a GPS system to help us find Gods plan
for our lives. Living out our true destiny we find what we
all eventually strive for: Love, Peace, and Harmony.
Honor His creation. Give yourself that special home
full of loving energy, no matter the building, the location, and no matter if you have little money or plenty!
Give yourself that special attention and love, no matter
how you look or what your social status might be right
now. Try one wall covered with photos and quotes that
feed your soul and make you happy. It can so often do
the trick! Dive into the creation of a Pathfinder Vision
Board (see the Tool box at the end of the book) and
you may follow Gods GPS coordinates to find your magical life. I know. This was my personal experience, and
that of many of my clients.
I am merely an interior decorator among thousands, who saw the light. I had lost my identity, my
home, and almost lost my sanity! Read the chapter on
my spiritual journey (on my website) and you will understand why I had to go through this process. I believe
it was in order to Pay it Forward, to be able to help
you, or someone you know who is suffering at home.
Read on and I will share with you what I have
learned through this process. You too will soon be
viewing the world from a safe and contented state
of mind and a love-filled heart. You will be living in
a home which radiates comfort and peace. From this
safe place you will receive the strength to face everyday
challenges and attract the life you were meant to live.
When living out the purpose of your life, being
content with who You are, you become a role model
to others. In fact, coming home to yourself is the
greatest gift you can ever give the world. Lets teach the
next generation that table-setting is less important than
table conversations, good food, wine and candles. Lets
finally and forever understand that cushions on a sofa
are meant to be there for comfort! They can be pleasurable, soft in texture, and bring joy to a living room with
their colors and patterns. Cushions are not supposed to
stand in a row like soldiers in some cushion battalion
telling people to back off!
Im sure you all know what a house-coat is: a

comfy bathrobe or dressing gown you wear at home

when you are relaxed. Let me be your house-coat for a
while. You can wrap yourself in this book! You will find
inspirational stories and ideas for you to follow, to help
you change your life and your home, perhaps after a life
crisis or to help prevent one.
You will find chapters that call to your own
heart. But you will also find chapters that may refer to
someone you know and love so spread the good news!
The plan is to learn as much as you can about
yourself while you live in your temporary home,
which in the end, all homes are! Our home is to us what
the cocoon is to a butterfly: a safe place to evolve into
the astonishing creatures we were all meant to become.
My heart is bleeding for those I cannot help,
where Home is the park they sleep in and the bed is
a bench. Those whose interior design fits into a shopping cart or trolley. I am donating a percentage of the
profits of this book to church communities who can do
what I cannot do for them: provide a physical shelter
and a loving community!
Now is the time for us to understand the importance and the power of creating a home where our souls
can be restored. Then we can play our part in the restoration of the ultimate Home, Mother Earth. Let us
heal the world, one person, one thought, one room at
a time.
Now is the perfect time to begin
Now is all we have...

15

if you don't like

where you are, then
change it.
you are not a tree
16

When Do You
Need a
House-Coach
in Your
Life?
You can be the TV Star of your own make-over
show. What Carson does for women in Carson City,
and what Trinny and Susanna do for men and women
all over the world is show them how to view themselves
with compassionate eyes. They help them dissolve those
thoughts that kill their self-esteem. A happy Cinderella gains or regains lost confidence with new hair and
clothes. The experts help her to enhance the beautiful
aspects of her human body and hide the less attractive
bits! In TV shows such as Extreme Makeover, designers
like Tye and his team perform similar magic with new

habitats, gardens, furniture and colors. And Nate Berkus

does the same in Oprahs productions with the lucky
home owners. These people tear up as they describe a life
tumbled out of control.
But a House-Coach knows what is lurking behind a cluttered home, a cluttered life, and that loss
of control! It is those hidden troubling pieces that
need to be addressed.
Here are common scenarios do any of these
resonate with you?

17

Combining Homes?

Living with someone else can be a real challenge.

Boy meets girl, and opposites attract. One is nostalgic
and cant let go, while the other takes to secretly throwing stuff away. The arguing begins: about money, space in
the cupboards and closets, and the sharing of domestic
tasks. Whos doing what too often? There is an overflowing inbox drawer or bowl... A whole house can become
one giant inbox!
Everyone has been there at some point. I have too,
I assure you.
Let me in. To help you before its too late! Together well figure out what is really important for each
of you. Then you will be ready to start a family, and then
youll behave like a grown up and love will be strong and
flexible. Youll need that. Its about being honest with
yourself, finding a way back to what you can do to make

18

yourself happy and finding ways to play more with your

playmate both in and outside home. There may be no
need to dump the partner when you think everything
has been said and done. The two of you can fall in love
again. But it requires that you re-invent yourself and fall
in love with yourself for the first time, or all over again!
We can use your home to get there!

Young Family?

Having a young family with small children and

endless, unfinished tasks can be daunting. You started
out as Romeo and Juliet, with a small nest, and perhaps
there was a wedding. It was all marvelous! Then the picture evolved to include a child and a house with a garden
that needed some re-modeling. Time raced past. When
both careers took off, you had only completed 50% of all
you had planned. And now you are facing half-finished
projects wherever you turn! You thought it would never
happen to you!
Maybe it feels even worse than that to you. Maybe
after years of marriage it is not only the unfinished projects that plague you. Maybe the house and the spouse,
as well, are only 50% of want you wanted. And the worst
of it? You feel that you are only 50% of what you thought
youd be! Are you fighting all the time? Do your constant
topics revolve around what needs to be changed in your
home, in your life, in your kids and your partners life?
You are not embracing your mutual imperfections and this is sadly mirrored in your home. Kids
vividly colored toys are scattered everywhere, as a regular
reminder that they have so much more space and receive
so much more attention than the adults.

You need to learn how to set healthy boundaries,

and get smart, when it comes to tidying a home. Home has
become a battlefield, where the war can only end if both
parties satisfy their underlying interests in the mediation
process. This resembles Israel/Palestine, with two countries trying to dominate the same territory! And the result
is guerilla warfare.
You begin to wonder if divorce and moving would
solve it all. So many go that route, so why not you? There is
no love in your heart when you look at your partner. There
is no love when you drive home and see your house. There
is no love when you look in the mirror. Theres no time for
fun anymore, you envy your own kids, and suddenly resentment rules your life.
Let me in. I will give you the tools that will replace
the blame game with fun and love at home and in your
lives! One of my adapted tools is called Get the Damn
Things Done, which helps you give up the lonely fight and
ask friends and family for help. It is described more fully
later in the book and summarized in the Tool box at the
end.

Here is an intentional grown-up home. There is room for kids

to play, but with a plan to keep you sane as parents and lovers,
instead of the kids taking over every single room of the home!
They can play in the rooms, but with the right storage furniture it
can be easy to tidy up before dinner, when its grown-up time.

19

Divorced?

And on your own again? No matter what is coming

at you (and this is your choice!) you can learn through
pain or peace. If the territorial fight was never resolved
and it came to war, ending your marriage, then love and
your daily life has gone. It feels terrible.
And it is painful to choose a living space out of
need with a soul that absolutely refuses to settle in. Just as
I did, many of my clients live with un-packed cardboard
boxes for months, even years, marked only with a pen to
show what is stored in them. Often single parents never
seem to have the energy to do simple tasks like installing
lamps, so they live in darkness a metaphor for their
state of mind.
Let me in: Let me help you turn on the light in
your mind, in your heart and in your home. The good
news is if you stop resisting the process, you will be a
caterpillar in a cocoon with the chance to morph into a
beautiful butterfly. It is a true metamorphosis: The Butterfly Metaphor!
Whenever major change happens in your life,
(falling in love, breaking up, getting or losing a job, having children or emptying the nest, etc.) you go through
several stages as you recover. The first horrible phase feels
like dying; you feel you have lost your identity, you dont
know where you fit anymore. In this phase of complete

meltdown you are completely dissolving in the cocoon.

Yes, it is painful and feels like forever when you are in it.
But when this first period of meltdown has passed,
you can breathe again and youre ready to Dare to Dream.
Your minds eye starts seeing images of the life you are
about to create. Youre becoming a new person, and youll
develop traits and interests your old self didnt have. You
may feel compelled to change your hairstyle or wardrobe, or redecorate your living space. Re-forming your
life, like anything new, complex, and important, inevitably brings up problems you didnt expect. Thats why, to
make our dreams come true, you often need the ingenuity of Thomas Edison and the tenacity of a pit bull. But in
this stage, even if youve tested some of your dreams and
failed, youre willing to fight for your freedom.
Then in the third phase of metamorphosis, you
emerge as the New Unique You, a butterfly, beautiful and
strong! Ill be with you, cheering you on, helping you to
love yourself and have hope for your future, as you learn
to live up to your fullest potential in the present.
What to Do? Enjoy! Youve just negotiated a scary
and dramatic transformation, and you deserve to savor
your new identity. Spend time every day focusing on
gratitude for your success.
And fair warning: Know that another Change is
just around the bend

We never know how long temporary is? Refusing to unpack

and install yourself is understandable, when you didn't want to
leave the former home in the first place! Imagine yourself on
a journey and these are your suitcases...coming to a nice hotel
and unpacking your clothes in the closets and drawers instead
of living out of the suitcase (moving boxes). You're staying for a
month at least, so make this transition as comfortable for yourself
as possible.

20

Single Parent in a Temporary Home?

Single parents in temporary homes handle unique

challenges: shared kids rooms, a sense of the transitory for all involved, confusion, and too much newness!
So, how do you find compassion with heart in these
situations? I have been a single parent for many years,
and through readers of my Danish book and my global
House-Coaching via Skype, I have met countless single
parents dealing with these issues. An unpleasant feeling of being unsettled is the main problem, because the
single parent doesnt want to stay in this life. Does this
apply to you? This attitude influences your living space.
Perhaps your kids live in divided rooms, such as
inhabiting a corner in a big messy all-purpose room.
Often teenagers sleep on a sofa, carrying their belongings in a sports bag, never really unpacking. Why
bother? they cry. I call them Modern Nomads and
I pray they will heal their broken hearts and be able to
form real homes as adults.
Let me in. I will help you realize that the few
nights your children spend with you must be filled with
Love, Peace and Harmony. And fun! My tools offer
great ways to spend time and ideas on which to focus
instead of remaining stuck in the past. For example, its
a good idea to ask friends and family for help; try the
Get the Damn Things Done tool. It works beautifully

in groups, too. (For more info, see the Tool Box at the
end of the book).
One day, youll find true love in yourself and
thus attract another partner. When the moving truck is
standing outside your empty apartment, you will close
and lock the door for the last time and hear your kids
yelling joyfully for you to hurry up. With a grateful
tear youll whisper a thank you for the immeasurable
teachings this place gave you and your kids.... I know I
did!

Give yourself the

gift of a bedroom,
which will become
a recharger for your
soul Look, now
even the cat wants
to sleep here.

21

Patchwork Family or LAT?

Are you in a Patchwork Family or LAT (Living Apart Together) situation? A Patchwork Family is
best described as a new family made up from pieces of
divorced families. Like a Patchwork Quilt! Living Apart
Together (LAT) is the same as Patchwork: you are in a
committed and intimate relationship, but you reside in
different homes.
So, when your days of being a single or a single
parent draw to an end because youve found a new love
in your life, often all you long to do is merge. But, youre
not alone and it may not be so easy. The new love comes
with a package: your/his/hers children. With a new love
the new-found hope of having Family Life again, is
heaven on earth. At first.
But after a while you may start disagreeing on the
rules: bringing up the kids, how to handle money, how
to decorate your home, etc. half of a family might have
moved in with half of another family, in their home. This
is the Patchwork Family scenario. Wow, possible danger:
Before long, the newcomers can feel like guests in the
house. There is now an elephant in the room; no one
talks about it, but those who become homeless at home
are miserable.
Let me in. Start with tools like my 40 + 40 + 20
tool, which teaches decorating a home, with fairness to
all. Sounds simple, but this guideline can save untold
angst! 40% of the furniture and decor is his and 40% is
hers, and they buy 20% together. In this way every child
and adult from one part of the Patchwork Family can

22

recognize their old home in bits and pieces, and vice

versa. This prevents one family group from feeling they
have moved into another familys home. (For a helpful
example of the 40 + 40 + 20 tool see the chapter called
Our Story).
I know all the arguments in the whole your kids
versus mine issue that occur during the long nights of
battles. It is essential to negotiate; it is vital to find the
underlying interests of all parties.
Let me in. In this Patchwork Family/LAT situation, it is very helpful to grant your beloved a private
space of his own in your home. And ask for the same in
his house. Privacy and feeling at home even in the other
home is absolutely essential to peace of mind. Another
helpful idea is to create a loving familys Pathfinder Vision Board. (See the Tool box at the end of the book).
On this board you will place all your common goals as
a couple, as a family, and make sure you add the goals
for your kids. Get them involved so they feel part of the
plan and the dream! I know how powerfully it works; my
husband and I did it and Ive witnessed miracles for my
clients many, many times!

One small family merged with another in their home. So, new
house rules must be set for everyone, including those who lived
there in the first place. More people means more clothes, shoes,
schoolbags and sports bags. Find creative ways to store things
in the hallways that work for everyone. If you dont, the tidy
parties will soon get annoyed with the not-so-tidy parties!

Young-at-Heart?

Empty Nesters may just be the new middle age.

They certainly are the Young-at-Heart! When you
wave back at your beloved child as he heads off after the
moving truck, you are torn between the tears of loss and
of joy. The last one from your loving nest is embarking
on his lifes adventure it is lovely for him! For you,
Mom and Dad, its always bittersweet. Its the ending of
a huge part of your life, and before you can see this as a
beginning to a new adventure, you need to allow yourself
time to grieve. (Yes, we are back to the Meltdown phase
of our butterfly metamorphosis.) Remember the lovely
times, remember the clutter and the fights, remember it
all and sob on your son or daughters bed. Sob alone, sob
together, and someday soon youll be whistling in the living room enjoying the new freedom.
Let me in. I can lead you both to the excitement
of this new miraculous middle age, a time in your life
where you can truly be Young-at-Heart. In this wonderful time of your life, you can rediscover old dreams.
Remember the time when you were turtledoves? For
years those lovebirds may have been lost, hiding underneath the sofa cushions, in all the years you knitted

and watched TV in silence with your partner. You, as a

couple, have so much to offer the world and each other!
And it will be such a blessing for your kids to
come home and visit you as adults when your home is
full of life and love. We encouraged all three of our kids,
once graduated, to go off and explore the world, to meet
new people and fully discover their true selves.
Let me help you shake up your home and give
away the items that no longer make you happy. Then
mix it up with new furniture and accessories as you did
when you were younger. Home Sweet Home equals Life
Sweet Life!

My beloved adopted sister Helga took her biker drivers licence at the age of 50 and she has crossed many countries with
her husband and several young at heart bikers with their travel
agency Dream & Bike Tours.

23

Just Moved and Lost Yourself?

Did you move and felt lost in the process? How

many times have you moved in your life? Twice, five
times, ten times? Have you stopped counting? I have! Its
always life-changing, whether you moved up from a
nice house to a better or bigger one, or because a new job
would improve your life and it entailed a move to a new
home in a new city.
Perhaps you are only OK, not thrilled, with the
move or with the new home. To your own surprise, you
might find yourself unable to pick out cushions for your
sofa, or lamps or pictures, not to mention wall colors
or furniture. This is because suddenly in your mind so
much is at risk. Are you afraid to spend money on something you may regret later? Does it feel as if you cant even
feel what you like at the moment? Are you overwhelmed
with choices? What if you pick the wrong one? Sometimes the fear of making risky choices is transferred to
an innocent cushion. You may feel stuck in the process of
nesting, which used to been fun years ago. You may look
for inspiration in dozens of interior design magazines,
furniture stores or online, but the more you search, the
more confused you get!

Let me in. Well reduce the sense of risk and make

it safe to settle in and spend a little money or give your
excess away. This is a huge opportunity to discover Essential Home. Like a white canvas, you add the colors
and textures that please you, which feed your soul. Then
one day you dont feel the need to add anything more
or subtract anything! It is perfect; you feel it in your
heart. Welcome Home!
While there is not a complete chapter devoted to
your situation, Just Moved and Lost Yourself, there are
several tools to help you: Get the Damn Things Done, the
Love-Hate Vision Board, and youll find some great advice on how to downsize playfully with the 7-3 Downsizing tool, in My Story. All of these tools are described
in much more detail in later chapters and the Tool box
at the end.
Another fun tool I use myself to shift the brain
from structured mind to playful mind is music.
Singing or dancing to disco and salsa can take you into
play mode within minutes!

Moving can be a thrill if you really wanted to

move on in your life and it can be the opposite
if you don't want to leave home, where you have
felt safe and loved, and because of a life changing
event you are forced to! Either way letting go and
downsizing like I did 7-3 will make the travel
forward much lighter.

24

Home Feels like a Jail?

When home feels like jail, youre a Desperate

Homemaker. If you are compulsive in your cleaning or
decorating, you may also be also starving yourself from
food, sex and joy. Are you stuffing yourself with food and
stuffing you home with things to numb your feelings?
Could you be looking for love outside yourself? The
truth here: you are desperately seeking yourself.
Are you afraid of dust? As a child, were you never
allowed to go out and play until your room was tidy? If
this is the case, then dust prevents you from playing in
your life and you become a prisoner.
Let me in. I can set you free from your mental
dungeons! I have done it with hundreds of clients. You
cannot change what you do not realize or understand.
But once you do, change is easy and inevitable! Embrace
your home and yourself in turtle steps; tiny moves forward will take you to your new freedom. I share stories of
a mother who compulsively breaks down her sons LEGO
creation, destroying the creativity of her young designer.
I share true stories of black and white homes, where colors are never added no red, green or blue as it would
provoke panic attacks. You may smile, knowing someone
who suffers from Home Color Disorder, but its a sign
something is blocking joy in their lives. Embrace colors,

they are chosen from creativity! Your true state of being

is being creative and having fun in life.
I do not devote a complete chapter to Home Feels like a
Jail, (Desperate Homemaker), but give a good example
in the chapter entitled Boy, Girl, Plus Baby. Try the
very effective Get the Damn Things Done tool, described
there and in the Tool box at the end of the book.

Fear of colors equals

Home Color Disorder .
But it can be cured. Life
can be fun again!

25

Home Office Troubles?

When you have to work from home and feel

trapped, you're a Desperate Homeworker. You may
work in a home office out of a dream to become independent and have huge success. Or it may be out of need,
because you can find no job in your neighborhood. Or it
may be a part time or temporary choice, while you need
to stay in the home to be near your young children.
For whatever reason, there is huge potential for
problems. Procrastination, guilt and shame are often involved with Desperate Homeworkers. You may become
both the slave to your own mind and the worst boss
you ever had, mentally whipping yourself all day long,
telling yourself how inadequate you are. Or your whole
house may be at risk of becoming an inbox (mine was for
years!). Or an innocent object, like a dirty plate, can be
a Transit Key that distracts you and diverts you from
your tasks.
I have coached single Moms and Dads all around
the world who try to take of care of kids and work from
home at the same time it is not unlike mixing water

26

and oil! Visions and ambitions that once fired them up

seem impossible to manifest when they are interrupted a
thousand times a day!
Let me in. Let me help you set boundaries for work
and personal leisure. I'll guide you to trust in yourself
and the goals you have set. You'll slay the oppressor in
you and become a better boss, employee and colleague to
yourself. And in so doing you will be much more fun to
be around at home! Your family will enjoy coming home
again.
In recreating your office, well morph it into
a Sanctuary for working. You can start by creating a
Pathfinder Vision Board on an entire wall and begin to
see the magic happen in your life. (See the Pathfinder
Vision Board chapter). Surround yourself with furniture and colors you love and with happy memories. At
almost no cost, but with lots of focus and creativity, you'll
be a happy, prosperous Homeworker! Yes, there is a way
you and I can fulfill our true life purposes, and Yes, we
can do this from home.

Too Much Stuff?

And you cant let go? You're a Guardian of

Things, a hoarder of belongings, if you have boxes and
plastic bags all over your home and garage. Perhaps you
can't find particular items and it frustrates you daily. Is
this you? I know you may be scared of not having enough
time to go deep. You want to have time to read all the
books, papers, stories you have been keeping. The truth
is, behind all this stuff you are collecting, lurks the real
fear that you will never be able to indulge in the feelings
behind the memories. I know your life is full of regrets.
I know you may feel you've missed out on opportunities
and feel it's all too late. Are you afraid what lies behind
you was better than what lies ahead of you?
You may have appointed yourself as the one person in your family who keeps track of beloved ancestors, by keeping piles of memories, old furniture, cups
and vases, pictures and old letters. Usually you think a
great deal about what other people might think or do,
which can be such a heavy burden to carry around.
Let me in. I wish to set you free to live your best
life. We'll divide your entire home into zones and break
down zones into turtle steps, so you can overcome and
celebrate every tiny step you accomplish along the way
to your freedom. I have met many different kinds of

Guardians and I know the thoughts and feelings which

lie behind the paper, card boxes and plastic. You have
to get to those thoughts and feelings in order to effect
lasting change.
You have to stop the running sushi of new
things coming into your home. You know how in some
sushi restaurants small plates are put on a small "treadmill" going around and around and people pick a plate?
Its never emptied because the chef continually provides
new hot plates. The same is true of de-cluttering. If
you don't realize what's going on, you think you sort
and take out excess stuff, but you keep buying new stuff
at a flea market. Seen from the outside it's like a never-ending treadmill!
I will help you learn to love what is and let go
of I have to. Only then can you let go of the excess in
your home. You can sort in peace and keep only the
lovely memories that are actually worth remembering!
And there are other great tools: the Sticky-Tags tool
reveals the feelings behind the paper and plastic. Because what you do not realize you cannot change! Also
it is powerful to begin creating a Happy Wall! More
about these tools later as well. (See the Tool Box at the
end of the book).

The wonderful energy that Guardians of Things receive from a fresh, clean, cozy room is the boost they need to sort and let go
of excessive hoarding.

27

Boy: Is your name Google?

Girl: NO!! .why??
Boy: Cuz u got everything
I'm searching for :-)
28

Young-Love
Nest:
Boy Meets Girl
Wherever you met each other, whether through
online dating, through friends, at your work place, a
nightclub, etc., you were both on your best behavior,
trying to show the best version of yourself. We all do!
You are mirroring yourself in the other and we all feel
very good about ourselves in times of fresh new love. You
can never predict, though, that the feminine girl in the
black sexy dress may have a home stuffed with 150 pairs
of shoes, like Carrie in Sex and the City. Or that she is
a Guardian of Things. Or perhaps she adores her little
Chihuahua, who licks his backside and then her face! She
will never part with him, so you may have to part with
her!
It is a miracle to find true authentic love. And if
you are fortunate enough to find it, it is truly wonderful dreaming and scheming about a common nest. But,
you need to be prepared for some surprises. Lets take

the mans situation first. Since moving from his parents

home, he might have enjoyed his independence for some
years, living and eating in a shoebox apartment he shared
with three other buddies. As for the woman, since she
left home, she may have studied and partied, living in a
shared apartment with a girlfriend. Then, bam, man and
woman meet its love! Soon they set out to live the lives
theyve seen TV series, such as Friends, How I met
Your Mother, etc. The dream of having your own place
can be difficult to establish in real life. It often depends
on income, country and traditions. Money is tight, and
you may have to get past the expectations of your parents
or your culture.
In terms of any partnership, even corporate relationships, the two people set out with trust and temporary blindness to the others faults and weaknesses. Love,
Peace and Harmony is the headline when any part-

29

nership is formed, along with hope for a better future.

The key here, to prevent disappointment and frustration
later, is to know each others underlying interest. What
is the motivation in each person? What does each really
want and need?
Consider Camp David Accords at home. During the last years as a House-Coach I have been inspired
by people who negotiate on a high level, such as William L. Ury, Co-Founder and Senior Fellow of Harvard
Universitys Program on Negotiation. I watched him
at http://www.willowcreek.com/events/leadership. The
Global Leadership Summit at Willow Creek Association
in Chicago and he was brilliant. He told us a story about
two people wanted to share one orange. An obvious and
easy solution would be to simply chop the orange in half
and give each one half an orange. Tada! But if you dig
deeper and ask the two people about their underlying
interests, you might come up with another solution. One
may want the peel for use in a cake recipe and the other
might want to eat the fruit, and discard the peel. So with
a little more investigation, each would have been satisfied, 100%. But in the first solution the result was 50%!
The Camp David Accords were signed by Egyptian President Anwar El Sadat and Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin, on the 17th of September, 1978,
following thirteen days of secret negotiations at Camp
David. The two framework agreements were signed at
the White House, and were witnessed by United States
President Jimmy Carter. A Framework for Peace in the

30

Middle East, was the result, which dealt with two parties
wanting to live in the same dominion... Hey, doesnt that
sound familiar? When I work with a young couple, I feel
like the Jimmy Carter, the Hillary Clinton, or the William L. Ury working to achieve fairness by honoring both
parties underlying interests. In their soul, each must feel
the comfort and joy of their shared home.
In a similar fashion, as a Life and House-Coach,
I aim for fairness by asking the new nesting couple (no
matter their age): In your home, what would you love to
have around you and what would you absolutely hate?
They may not be able to answer that question right away,
but when I show them photos of diverse interior styles
they certainly have opinions, likes and dislikes. These reactions can then be used to create a visual response to
the questions.
I begin with the men. Now, a masculine Alpha-Male might struggle at first to copy and paste from
interior design magazines or find something on the Internet. This task may be well outside of his normal range
of interests. I know many men feel a bit awkward about
the whole nesting thing. He might just wish to leave all
those decisions to his girlfriend/wife, especially if he feels
she has been going on and on about it ad nauseum! He
wants to wash his hands of it so she will stop talking about
it. And hopefully she will revert back to the lovely girlfriend or wife he fell in love with from this Homezilla
she morphed into. But she is bursting from her yearning
to finally create a nest of (her own) their own. And, fair
warning, if he doesnt enter the home-making game now,
at this early stage, hell be forever excluded!
I explain this concept to the man, using a metaphor
he can understand. He needs to view me as a personal
Home-trainer, and I will present a perfect home-fitness
schedule that is right for him. It must be right for his
strength, fitness, desires and needs. Together well find
out what would make his posture improve, what would
make him happy with his mirror image, and what
would be too much for him. This is about finding his underlying interests. I have noticed over the years, that men
have a hard time answering the question, What do you
like? but find it much easier to respond to What do you
dislike?. Therefore, I begin by asking him: What do you
absolutely hate in a home, what would eventually drive
you to distraction? Once he gets this he tends to fully
cooperate and tell me what I need to know to help. This is
like watching a little Labrador puppy when he suddenly
learns he can swim its easy and its fun!

Both the young man and the young women are

lovely in their pursuit of happiness, but the women are
always more eager. So when I ask her, I begin with the
likes question: If you could have the home of your
dreams, what would it look like? What do you love? She
rolls her eyes, moves forward in her chair and can speak
reams, glowing with excitement the whole time. This is
like watching the Labrador puppy fetch a stick in the water. The young woman knows she can swim, and goes
for it! After that the heart is wide open, and I ask: What
would you hate having inside your home? It takes her
only seconds to answer!

Love-Hate Vision Board

Once theyve marked images from magazines or

made a folder on the computer, the couple can each create
their own Love-Hate Vision Board. As the young couples
hearts open, they can feel what their dream home and
dream life will look like. Then something extraordinary
happens: they can see right there on paper what they can
agree on. From this new perspective they really lighten
up, even being able to tease and laugh at each others dislikes. I can easily coach such a lovely couple to help create a wonderful home (life), as can a Home Consultant at
BoConcept. This can be planned out and achieved, step
by step, as they can afford it, according to their skills and
what practical help they can get from friends and family.

Focusing on their likes and dislikes, each partner collects

images from magazines or online, to create a collage,
which I call the Love-Hate Vision Board.
This is a reflection of the man's desires and fears - the woman's dispalyed on the following page...

i Hate

i Love

31

i Love

It is important everyone understands what accessories are all about. Lets start with a little tutorial:
Men and women need to know what cushions, candleholders, vases, photo frames, large flat-screen TV sets
and surround-sound are all about. Girls are brought up
combining colors in their dress style and expressing their
personality through their clothes. Boys today do this
more than they did when I was a teenager, but still to a
lesser degree than girls. But today, as for centuries, our
clothes, glasses, shoes and jewelry express the way we
feel every day. Boys use electronic devises to boost their
masculine ego. This never changes! Acquiring the newest Apple Product still gives my husband a thrill and he's
over 50! Driving to our wedding five years ago he played
Led Zeppelin full blast on his massive car stereo while
my choice during the drive to the church was classical
wedding music. Vive La Difference! Boy meets girl

32

i Hate

Girls and boys continue in their homes to express

who they are and who they want to become. So after
my long experience decorating peoples homes, here is
my Home-translation, to show you how I believe we
express ourselves. I have translated our feelings about
clothes and accessories to interiors in a home.

Girls:

A sofa
a little white or black dress
Cushions
scarf and belt, to dress up the dress/sofa
Candleholders
a bracelet or earrings
Carpets
shoes
Picture frames and paintings
hair style and colors
Lamps
Hat or hair-bands etc.
TV
EGO not too big
Stereo
playfulness
Etc... You get the picture
Once you know this, its more fun and much easier
to understand each other and make room for compromise, which will be needed all throughout your life as a
couple.
When it comes to compromise, my 40 + 40 +
20 tool is the formula to achieve fairness. It works at
every stage of life, for two people blending belongings
and lives. Here is the nutshell of the system: The couple

Boys:

A sofa/bed
jeans and shirt or suit
Cushions
what cushions? - Leather or fur
the Davy Crocket edition
Candleholders
what candleholders?
Carpets
shoes or boots
Lamps
Cap or hair gel
TV
EGO as BIG as possible
Stereo
playfulness just more playful and
louder when they play!
Etc..... much simpler!

uses 40% of his furniture and decorative items and 40%

of hers (or it is 40% his choice in the store and 40% hers
if they are purchasing many new things). Then the last
20% is purchased together: items they both love. It is not
only fair, and works like a charm, but both parties feel
they are settling into Home, with items they are used to
or have actively chosen. I have written about this more
extensively in the chapter entitled Our Story.
from BoConcept catalogue

33

This couple has found a balance between masculine and

feminine. The neutral colors
chosen for the backdrops of
the rooms provide them a canvas on which to add "moodfixes," such as a painting and
flowers.
Ottawa Collection, BoConcept
Karim Rashid

34

Q and A from Young-Love Nest:

Boy meets Girl at my talks
I have the least amount of clients in this category,
partly because few young people know I exist. Or that
House-Coaching exists! And if they did, I doubt they
would think they could afford it. So I rely on the interior
designers at BoConcept to help them; the staff is younger
and can relate more to their challenges and of course
they are in touch with them all the time as they come
into the stores. When I give Trend Talks in various countries, young couples do in fact often approach me with
questions, some of which I share with you here:
Question A: This was a silent question actually, more
of a cry for help. A very nice young man was there with his
Young-at-Heart mother and his sweetheart. In the young
womans eyes the appeal for help was clear. The mother was
enthusiastic about my talk, and went on and on: how the
young couple could inherit some of her former designer furniture and how theyd fit perfectly if Thats when I knew
the question: How to deal with mothers and mothers-in-law
during the first nesting process? Well-meaning as they are,
how do you keep their suggestions... well, just suggestions?
And how do you deal with declining their help in a nice way?
Answer A: This is another sort of Camp David Accord, but in this instance one of the parties should not be in
this territory at all! Both the mother and the young woman
want the love and attention of the same young man and
both feel entitled! First we must understand the mother/
mother-in-laws side of the problem: She loves her son. She
has tried to decorate his room in the best possible way for
him throughout his childhood and in his teens it was more
a battle than fun. But because she loves to make him happy
and the process of nesting itself makes her happy, she sees
her advice as an act of love. She is still Young-at-Heart and
remembers with such joy the time of her first nesting. Now
her home is done, and shes itching to have a new life. Subconsciously she may be living theirs to some degree. She
gives her kind advice to the young couple, forgetting there
are truly times she needs to back off.
Better for her to offer her advice if theyd like it, but
to tell them if they want to go ahead on their own, she has
full confidence in their capability to make nesting and decorative decisions on their own. Then his mothers ideas may
seem good ones, once they are optional!
Next we seek to understand the daughter-in-law/
sweetheart. She has yearned to nest for a long time and finally found the right mate. She has countless ideas of her
own. She loves her boyfriend/husband, no doubt, but works
hard to hide the fact she feels his mother can be a pain. She

doesnt know how to cope with her irritation in this situation, nor in others. She suppresses her desire to confront,
and this leads to a pressure-cooker situation. That in turn
leads to late-night fights or fights in the car on the way home.
They must find a harmonious way to solve this tension.
Now were back to underlying interests. If the young
girl is left alone to play home sweet home with her boyfriend (a metaphor for their love life, we all know that by
now) and she gets recognition for her efforts, shes happy. If
the mother/mother-in-law sees her son happy in this nesting
process with his sweetheart and enjoys the creative and fresh
ideas, she will still be part of the nesting process from a
distance and shes happy. If the son/boyfriend/husband has a
happy girlfriend or wife, a happy mother and a cozy nest to
come home to, hes happy. And he can breathe a sigh of relief
knowing in the future, when the two lovely women are in the
same room, there will be peace.
If they all recognize each others underlying interests,
desires and motivations and remember to praise each other,
they will be partners instead of opponents, not only in this
matter, but in all future dealings with each other.
Dont ever hold back on praise and recognition.
The son tells his mother he thinks his rooms growing up
were always cozy and he really appreciates everything she
did for him at home. Shell be so happy!
The sweetheart tells her boyfriend she loves him and believes he could become (or is) a brilliant DIY guy. That
more than anything, she would love the two of them to
create this love nest together. Hell be so happy!
Both the boyfriend and his mother tell the young woman
how wonderful home has become because of her ideas and
simply because shes living in it. This First-Time-Nester
will be so happy!
The young couple politely request that the mother/motherin-law call first, to see if she could drop off home-made
food and visit for a bit. She gives them heartfelt praise on
how lovely everything looks and how well she things the
process is coming along. Everyone will be happy!
I actually connected and bonded a bit with this
mother, explaining all of the above concepts to her. She understood this advice, coming from someone her age and
also perhaps because she was a wee bit impressed by my
talk and saw me as the expert. The young couple smiled
at each other and at me and you could feel the air getting
lighter between them. The relief was palpable! In fairness, it
probably took some time to achieve the perfect Camp David
Accord, but they knew the underlying interests of all three
needed to be honored.

35

Question B: A young couple had moved into their

first two-room apartment and needed advice how to
make room for: a small place to study, a place to sleep,
to entertain, to cook and to relax. They just couldnt see
how all of this could be possible in such a tiny space.
We drew an amateur drawing on a piece of paper and I
showed them how.
Answer B: Bedroom and office is a good match.
You use the office during day time and the bedroom
at night rarely simultaneously. Where theres a window
place a small narrow desk in front of it or nearby. Be sure
to have a good chair and good lightning (either hanging
down from the ceiling or a work lamp on the desk). Enjoy the view and the day light. Use the walls for storage.
Mix with cube-shaped wooden and colored bookshelves
or plain shelves.
Make a headboard for the bed by using colored
fabric or wallpaper on a board from floor to ceiling in
order to create a room in the room. Or create a collage of old LP covers get creative! Make sure its the

36

exact width of the bed. Use a neutral cover and colored

cushions. Create a Happy Wall with photos of the two of
you, and happy memories and quotes on love and relationship, and place it near the bed. This will remind you
again and again of that important Why Us? Create a
Pathfinder Vision Board for your future goals and hang
it near the desk or under a writing pad made of Plexiglas.
(See the Tool box at the end of the book).
The other room can become a joint living room/
dining room with a sofa and a BoConcept table.
Get more ideas at:
http://www.pinterest.com
http://www.apartmenttherapy.com
Google Images: Use a little feature called Visually Similar Images.

37

Question C:
Young woman: I want to paint a wall in the living
room orange "terracotta" and he said yes, but we never
get around doing it. Im tired of waiting, almost begging
him. Why doesnt he want to do it, when he knows it will
make me happy?
Young man: I do want to make her happy, but I
cannot see the point in painting that wall or understand
why it means so much to her! Im happy with things as
they are right now...
Answer C: What a girl/woman says and what a
boy/man hears are not always the same. She says: Id like

38

to paint this wall orange! Perhaps she just saw an orange

wall in a magazine and it made her go Oooh, in a good
way! (Instinctive responses are very powerful in the female nesting process.)
A little side thought: Orange has many meanings
mentally and spiritually, and in this case she was out of
balance. Maybe she is a bit manipulative or feeling cold
or tense and instinctively knew she needed the color orange. Check out this website: http://www.gemstonegifts.
com/colors/orange.htm to find new color/life balance.
The young man heard something else. When a guy
hears about painting and he has gone through the process
seen at his parents home, he thinks: Ill be doing 70%

of the work (carrying furniture, taping the panels and

floors, covering the floors and doors with plastic, cleansing the paint roll and the brushes when were done). She
will only have to do 30% and its her idea, not mine! She
thinks its 50/50, but its not. He is probably right!
This is why he procrastinates: this color change
has nothing to do with his underlying interests. He just
wants the nesting process to be over and done with, so he
can finally relax and enjoy normal life again. He needs an
end destination, while she is on a constant journey!
Solve the Problem: She can ask, Honey, what do
you think when I say I want to paint an orange wall?
He needs to reply, honestly, I think the task is 70% my

job, and 30% yours, and I am fine with the white wall
right now! And he can go on to describe the tasks as
listed above and what is involved for him in the painting
process.
She needs to reply: What if I bought the paint,
you and I carried the furniture, I taped, I covered with
plastic and I cleaned up while you brought back in the
furniture ... Would this feel like 30/70 for you, and be
more fair, because the idea initially was mine? Oh, and I
think the color will make me easier to be around, so for
you its a win-win situation!
He falls for it... Now his underlying interest is
again to make her happy!

39

Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while

your kids are still growing up
is like shoveling the walk
before it stops snowing.
40

Boy, Girl, Plus

Baby

How to stay sane and still love

your partner, life and home
We have talked about Boy meeting Girl, with all
the joy and fun and challenge this entails. So, the next
obvious step? A baby. And suddenly everything changes.
For better or worse Life coaching and House-Coaching can help!
When my first husband and I had our first (and
only) baby we were 30. Little did we know (although we
did read a lot of books) that lack of sleep (two hours at
a time for three months) would cause such mental distress and disorder. We were crazed. Add the fact our
baby screamed most of the time he was awake and the
consequences were apparent in our home, as well. In
every single room youd find a cotton diaper, a pacifier
and some leftover food. We were living like zombies; we
tried to eat something but forgot that we did. Or we left

the food somewhere in the house and forgot all about it.
Our lovely bedroom was transformed: we had a baby bed
next to ours and our pretty cover and bed cushions were
crammed into a corner on the floor. The whole room was
a continuous mess for over a year. There was little time or
energy for romance and we forgot all about that, too! A
wee baby boy took over our warm, beautiful bedroom
and our lives!
As for the living room during our sons first year,
it morphed into a playground: a little swing chair, a huge
basket overflowing with cuddly animal toys, brightlycolored plastic games and figures and blocks And of
course, the constant adult mess and food leftovers. We
were completely overwhelmed by this baby.
Our lives were out of balance and we needed to set

41

When the home becomes

one big in box and children
have toys lying around in every
single room in the home 24/7,
the kids have taken up too
much space in your life/home.
You can never love them too
much, but there must be balance in a home. Lovers with
children need to remain lovers
with children, not worn-out
adults with manipulating children who act out. Sadly, where
there is imbalance, divorce
may be lurking

them right again, for us as a couple but also for our son!
Happily I saw it then many of my clients dont see
it for many years, if ever. This may be because new babies
follow the first one and the mess just becomes the norm.
I reclaimed my life after nine months of insanity and
handed my baby over to a lovely daycare, where he was
surrounded by love and other babies for six hours every
weekday. I started jogging, got a haircut, and took any part
time job I could get. I grabbed temp secretarial work for
awhile and then ended up delivering school milk, comforting the worried teachers who cried, The kids are out
of control! It was not my chosen career path, but it got me
out of the house! As for all the plans I had for our home?
I was shocked to realize I had done none of them during that year I was a stay-at-home-mom. Nothing zero,
zilch, nada. But once I was working outside the home
again, energy flooded in. That and the bliss of picking up a
happy, stimulated baby meant my life returned to balance.
Desperate Homemakers?
The moms of today have dreams of their own, and
watching them drown one by one in domestic tasks and
parenting is never easy. Its often Mom who sets aside her
career plans while the kids are young. This is supposed
to be only for a few years, but it so often stretches interminably. Starting or re-establishing a career at 40 is
an up-hill battle! Many women are thrilled to be stay-at-

42

home moms for several years. But other, brilliant women

I know with two children and a half-decorated home are
now feeling deprived, waiting to tap into their skills and
talents. Some are even depressed. All of this is painfully
apparent to the former lover/husband. And of course he,
in her eyes, turns into the man who took the biggest
piece of the life-pie and becomes the bad guy she resents. However, there is no bad guy; there is only a lovely
smart girl who said yes to a dream. Out of love. She
couldnt know it might hold regret in the future.
Young women like these often become Desperate
Housewives (like the popular TV Series). I know and
have coached many women who want to work inside and
outside of their home, want to travel, be important, interact with other exciting people, be part of something bigger
than themselves And have four kids and a wonderful,
fulfilling marriage! Can you say Superwoman Complex?
Desperate House-Men or Superman Complex. Hmmm Do these terms even exist? No, but they
should! In these times young fathers struggle with their
frustrated partners and their own complex world, where
they are equally responsible for the children and the home
tasks. This will absolutely, definitively show in their home.
Seen with the eyes of a House-Coach, they both
need to find balance between fun and obligation both
at home and at work. And stop attempting to do the impossible! Here is an analogy: Think about little kids work-

ing out a game where little pigs in different shapes (square,

triangle, circle, star etc.) need to be tucked into matching
shaped holes. Even a very young child quickly finds out
he is supposed to find the right fit! He doesnt sit around
for hours banging a square against a round hole. No, he
reflects and tries other holes until the little pig finds it
proper hole. This is balance.
When I started House-Coaching, I never thought
of preventing a divorce! I have swept up the shattered glass
of so many broken dreams, fixing what could be fixed. It
fills my heart to know that perhaps via this book with its
tips and tools, I may be somehow instrumental in saving a
marriage and a family.
So, onwards to the tools! First let me say I am a little older
than those of you reading this with young families my
son is 20 and just finishing college. But I learned the hard
way how to compromise and find balance, in home and
in life. For the complete story see the chapter called Our
Story where you will see the mistakes I made because
I didnt know better! Now I do, and Ive coached many
young families. Ill share with you some of their stories
and you will see how the tools helped them find their
way back to lovely, peaceful and soul-restoring lives and
homes.
The first tool to use is the powerful Get the Damn

Things Done tool.

As you read this, and fill out the Get the Damn Things
Done form, keep these questions in your mind:

What is draining
my nervous system
every day as I walk
through my home?
What will it take
for me to relax and
enjoy life in this
home?
Who can help me or
us?
The Get the Damn Things Done form:
Typically young families live in unfinished homes
which are often too small. Jobs are postponed for lack
of money, time or energy. At some point the unfinished
tasks become overwhelming and even the smallest item

43

can trigger huge frustration. You know the ones I mean:

the most-used drawer in the kitchen will not close properly or the broken water thermostat doles out boiling or
icy water every morning. It seems impossible to get back
to the feeling state of love and excitement you both felt
when you first bought or rented the place.
I have used my Get the Damn Things Done tool
countless times with clients, to great effect. And even with
one lovely colleague at BoConcept! We talked one day
over coffee, discussing my book, but then we moved on
to her life, her marriage, and I found myself sharing this
tool with her. Within two hours of open, heartfelt conversation, she moved from I give up I wonder if a divorce
is the only way out of this misery? into realizing Home is
You. Thats right, we are back to that wonderful concept:
Home is You. The fact that she was not becoming who
she was meant to be was perfectly reflected in the state of
her unfinished home. She was homesick-at-home and
this was very obvious to her husband. She wanted him to
change, when she could change and he would naturally
follow. She got goose bumps on her arms as she understood this. She worked with the tool, and I can assure you,
only few months after, her life changed positively in every
way.
Its very simple: First, you and your partner go to
separate areas of the house, or perhaps to your cars, but
somewhere where you can be completely alone. Then record on your cell phone or other recording device all the
things that bother you. Let yourself become a tired nineyear-old and list every single detail you can think of. No
one will hear you be sure you are alone.
Here are some examples: She: I am sick and tired
of the fact that the entrance light is burned outit is not
safe without light there! We need lamps outside I can
never find the keyhole at night. He: I am sick and tired
of hearing about the damn lamps! Im not good at electrical work and will never be I wish we could just call
someone! Who do we know could help us?
He/she: I dont like the look of that mold spot on
the corner wall, it might mean big trouble outside; it may
be a broken sewer... and could end up being expensive?
Couldnt we just call someone to give us an estimate? She/
he: I hate the shoes lying around with no system to keep
them tidy. She: Why are the smoke alarms not mounted
yet? The damn things have been lying around here for six
months! He: Why is it always me?
Im sure you get the picture, and you know it from
your own home! Once its all recorded, listen back to it
with an open heart and promise yourself you wont fight
anymore. This is Romeo and Juliet wanting to become

44

friends and lovers again!

And heres the real gut buster: You ask for help!
No, no, now dont think: If I ask for help, I need to help
in return, and I dont even have the energy for this home
or my life in general, let alone find time to go help my
sister, etc., etc. Go for it, and be honest. One day your
home and life will be in blissful balance again, and I can
assure you, youll even want to repay you friends and sister! But for now, no, you cant and thats just fine.
Then you put it all in a form, like this one in the
form you see:

The tasks that

need to be done
Who could do them
Three dates they
can pick from
And the wonderful
done box
The call might sound like this: Hey Marc,
ummm... This is quite an unusual call. You see, Britt and
I need help to get our home in order, and there is just
so much stress about it for us and the girls. We got the
inspiration from a book about House-Coaching, where
theres a tool to ask for help. We put you in the form to
mount some smoke alarms and it might take you one to
two hours. Would you mind helping us one of these three
upcoming weekends, on a Saturday afternoon? Well
barbecue and get some beer in, and other friends will be
there too. Going to try to make a party of it What do
you think? Wed really appreciate your help, because we
noticed at your home, things are in order. Oh, man, wed
love to live like that too... And I notice youre really good
at stuff like this.
I have never heard of anyone saying no to a request
for help from friends, family, neighbors or sports buddies
when its a limited task, on a given day. And a beer and
a laugh thrown in! If three weekends arent enough and
money is an issue, you can prioritize the ones that cost the
least and start saving for the rest. This can be done three to
four times during six months and before you know it, you
feel like youve signed a peace treaty with yourself, your
home and your spouse.

Dad
John
Dad
Mum

Problems to be solved

Laundry room
Mount Laundry basket
Mount Smoke alarm
Mount Shelves & Hooks
Paint wall blue

Anne + Mum
John
Mum
Anne
Dad

Get 'the damn' things done -

Kitchen
Clear out cabinets
Move lamp back above dining table
Paint wall behind stove
Create a collage wall
Mount shelves for cookbooks

Tom
Mum
Dad
Dad
John
John
Anne + Mum
Mum

Name

Living room
Mount Loudspeakers
Paint walls
Assemble cupboard
Frame Photo's + mount.
Install lamps
Mount Smoke alarm
Buy new cushions/accessories
Clear out kids toys - mostly into their rooms

x
x

x
x

x
x
x

Saturday 1/12

x
x

x
x
x

Saturday 8/12

Saturday 15/12

45

Adults living in their childrens home: this needs

to be turned around!
Here is another example. Ann-Mari and Peter are
parents of two boys and a girl, a lovely family I met last
summer. They sent me photos of their home and I could
see they were adults living in their childrens home. They
had filled the house with furniture with no other thought
than practicality: the couches were just something to sit
on if not sitting on the floor. And the bookcases were
there to display childrens books and their art pieces from
school. The living room was a childrens playroom.
Their ongoing challenge was to try to find space
and live an orderly life with two young boys and a husband playing soccer in the living room, plus a little princess ruling the kitchen with her huge play area. All cabinets in every room, including the entrance/laundry room,

46

were completely cluttered, and it ticked Ann-Mari off every

single day. There was no room for Ann-Mari, herself, and it
showed in the home. There was no room for Peter either, so
we needed to find Sanctuaries for both of them.
We set aside a creative spot for Ann-Mari in the
bedroom and a small desk in the living room area for Peter.
We carried on in this fashion, sorting their whole home
into zones. It took them four months, all the while still living their busy lives. We talked about the tip of the iceberg
phenomenon. This is where everything looks okay on the
outside, but underneath (and behind closed doors) it is
chaos. I taught them how to sort with the 7-3 Downsizing
tool, and it was a huge job. But so worth it! The energy that
comes from knowing there is order behind cabinet doors
and that you will be able to easily find things, is blissful. But
on the other hand, the results are not visible.

The greatest fun is decorating the parts of your

home that you see all the time: The visible tip of the iceberg! So, the next step was to send them off to BoConcept
to find a sofa, a dining table set and some accessories.
The much-loved old dining table, inherited from an ancestor, was shortened and used as a new coffee table. In
the dining room the rather cold, steel cabinet with glass
doors was taken down (Im so proud of them, they dared
to follow this advice) and moved into the desk area for
storage of porcelain, games and private papers. Instead,
a warm, oak cabinet went in its place and they created
a Happy Wall above it, with home-made art and family
photos. The kids will have fun; its easy to change out new
photos or paintings. Wonderful! There was now warmth
and life in the room. See the following pages.

The before and after photos tell the story! When

we photographed the home, the eldest son, a creative
eleven-year-old exclaimed: Now I see this is a home
where adults live, too. This was an unprompted comment we never told him this was the point of the whole
home makeover.

Before

After

Before

47

To style
or not
to style
When a BoConcept interior decorator comes
by you only need to buy flowers for yourself and feel
you are part of the nesting process. Its always easier
for outside decorators to dress up your home. They
are able to work within your comfort zone and push
slightly beyond!

48

49

This young mans main interest is soccer/football, so his Father made this goal
for him. He painted ordinary planks with red
and white and passed nylon cord through
small metal rings, creating the net of the
goal. With office clips this creative goal
turned into a Happy Wall for the boy at
little to no cost!

50

Manic Mother: a Jail House Anecdote:

And yet another example: As an interior designer,
some years before becoming a House-Coach, I was called
to a newly built home, where the Lady of the House, sensing the need for HELP in any form, asked me for advice
on buying wall art (framed posters or paintings, etc.).
One morning while her children were in kindergarten
and preschool she showed me her house. It was impeccable, sterile, and all in black and white. This was fairly
unusual for the styles of that particular period, when
vivid colors were back in fashion again. She showed me
her eldest sons room, where Lego Duplo was sorted; the
four colors were carefully sorted into boxes, and there
were no toys lying around anywhere on the floor!
Wow, I exclaimed. Does he really sort his Lego
in colors?
Er um no, thats me, she replied, glancing
down at the boxes. She actually wrung her hands (until
that moment I wondered if this were simply a literary
expression). He builds with them all day, and when hes
asleep, I can separate the colors and you know, organize
them again Her voice trailed off so I could barely hear
her.
I was speechless (which happens rarely, trust me)!
Then we went to the bedroom of her younger boy and
I was met with a similar sight: The Lego blocks were all
tidy and the room looked spotless. It was a little hard to
imagine a small boy ever playing in this room.
Ohhh, hes so disorganized! she exclaimed, as
she pointed to the window.
Not sure what she meant, I asked, Help me out
here wheres the disorder?
There! Her voice was harsh. Look, the three
stones in the window, he keeps dragging stones and sand
into the house and I cant stand it!
I felt pain in my gut, like someone kicked me, hard.
I spent eight long years praying to have children before
my son finally arrived and then I loved to watch him play

freely with his Lego. And I used to go to the beach with

him to collect stones. Then suddenly I knew: she couldnt
buy anything for the walls, because those items would
have colors and disorganized patterns that would make
her go nuts! I knew she was a case for a professional psychologist. Could I tell her this? And could I find a way to
make life a little easier on the boys? I had to try.
Do you know the Opera House in Sydney, and
that a Danish architect designed it?I asked her.
Oh, yes, I know, Utzon. She nodded.
I continued, trying not to sound hesitant, but I
was not sure how this idea was going to land: I think
maybe your boys are born designers in some form and
just maybe, by not allowing them to be disorganized
by de-building their Lego creations, you could be robbing the world of their greatness. I looked at her with
as much compassion as I could, and touched her hand
gently. I could see in her eyes that she was not leaping to
the defensive, so I carried on. I pointed out to the wooden
doorstop. You know, these are the boundaries you need
to learn how to respect. You need professional help, my
dear; this is not the way life is supposed to feel in your
home. Home is safe, home is love, home is soul-restoring. This was the moment would she throw me out on
my ear, or listen?
Actually, she burst into tears, and I knew no one
had ever spoken to her kindly, and with wisdom, in
this way. I referred her to a very good friend of mine,
Marie, who is an excellent psychologist. I can only help
healthy people begin to achieve their greatest potential in
their life and in their homes and I am very aware when
someone needs to see a psychotherapist or psychologist.
Now, do you feel better? Its always good to compare ourselves to someone worse off. It makes us grateful
and compassionate, at the same time. Do you feel like the
any of the people in my examples? Are you ready to start
the process of change? If so Get the Damn Things Done
in your own life!

51

Game over

52

My own Story
Finding the Cure
for Homesickness

I will tell you a little of my own story, in the hopes

that that it may inspire you to find your way home to
yourself. And perhaps you may take some comfort in
knowing others have felt the same as you. You are not
alone!
After eight years of trying to start a family with
my first husband, we finally were thrilled to welcome
our lovely son Nikolai. We lived a small-town life in a
small 1947 townhouse. We enjoyed renovating houses
and combined creativity with hard work... using the
very little money we had. Like many other couples, our
love turned into friendship, so after exactly twelve and
a half years of marriage we decided to divorce. We parted as friends and have stayed dear friends ever since. I
kept our little townhouse and continued to run my own
interior design shop, with eight employees to feed, a
small child to provide for, and no child support of any
kind (I gave to my ex; he needed it more than I).

It appeared to the world that I was successful; I

had an image to maintain! But in my everyday life, in
actuality I was a poor, struggling, single mother, eating
very little, wearing second-hand clothes, and renting out
my basement to students. I lived like this for a couple of
years, becoming increasingly desperate and somewhere
down the line forgot all about making myself happy. Except when I decorated my home; this brought me happiness. Now I know: I nurtured my (home) soul!
I met a few princes, kissed them, and bingo,
they promptly turned into frogs. But it was not long until I met a lovely, charismatic business man: Mr. Eisby.
He was a part-time dad and CEO of his own company. I
thought a man who can do both must be amazing. After
dating for a year and Living Together Apart (LAT), we
made what could have been a wise (but in the end fatal)
decision: I should sell my home and move into his. The
potential bonuses: half the rent, less expenses, more

53

time together, and time to look for a lovely new home

of our own. So, I tore up my soul and my sons soul, sold
my beloved home and moved into his, which to me was
very unfamiliar and unattractive both in exterior design
and in the atmosphere of the rooms.
I brought with me my most loved possessions, but
they looked odd in his living room; we were combining
Shabby Chic with Contemporary Modern. And my son
was unhappy that his entire room had to be cramped into
a smaller room. I sold my shop, let go of my staff and
went solo. I rented an expensive office, which I decorated
with my beloved left-over furniture and stored the rest
of my life companions in a barn on a farm. I confess
to being something of a hoarder at that time in my life!
I tried to make our home look nice, and I tried
hard to become a Bonus Mother to his kids... but, the
truth is, it turned into a nightmare. After two years in
agony and many quarrels over finding another home, I
was suffering from a new malady for me: being Homesick-at-Home. For the first time in my life. This painful
longing made me behave like a teenager looking for my
soul/home. I gave my sweetheart an ultimatum: Agree to

buy a new home for us all, with space for all my belongings or I was gone!
I thought missing my things was the reason I
was so lost and fragile. Now I know: I could not find myself in the role, because I had given up myself. By not
being my authentic self with everyone, I forced everyone
to be someone they werent, either. It was an incredible
masquerade, for which no one had ever prepared us! If I
had enjoyed my life inside myself, I could have lived anywhere with anyone. All I really had to do was focus on
the things that worked in my life, instead of what didnt...
but I didnt know how!
We finally found a very beautiful (expensive)
house and moved into what we both thought and hoped
was our dream house. It certainly looked like it, as we
gazed on photos of our home displayed in Danish interior design Magazines. Our Dream Home was featured in eight-page articles! But sadly it turned out to be
a new fresh nightmare, because we were creating the bad
dreams, not the house! Karma haunted me, because I refused to learn the lessons, and like a child, I chose the
role of the victim.

A beautiful library
decorated in Country
Style with attention
to the smallest details. I had fun in the
process playing and
pretending I lived in
Southern England. But
I was unhappy in my
private and working
life and it showed in
the home. It was tidy
for the magazine photographer, but most
days it was cluttered

54

We lived in this beautiful house for only a year,

fighting constantly over your kids and my kid, with
harsh, painful words like: you dont understand/love
me. We were endlessly at odds over finances, friends,
family, housework, his successful career while mine was
in ruins (due in great part to the depression that followed being Homesick-at-Home for years). You name
it, we struggled with it. Then we gave up. We were both
so completely unaware of the real issues, our own immaturities and our emotional scars and damage. Like so
many couples, we used each other to try and fix the pains
that had scarred our souls. We tried to rebuild a broken
dream of Family 1. It was doomed from the start!
Frank and his two teenagers moved out. We
couldnt easily sell the big house, so Nikolai and I had
to live there alone. During the first year and a half, I
showed the house to potential buyers more than 50
times and 1500 people viewed the house on the internet! I imagined them saying, I just have to see the house
that a well-known designer wants to leave!
Finally, after selling the damn thing, I was able to
move into a small apartment near my sons school and
near his father. It was in fact half the size of my former
home, and I still had a barn-full of stuff that I had not
seen in more than a year. So, I needed to invent a system
I could count on to successfully downsize my belongings so they would fit in half the space!
And here it is! My first House-Coaching tool for
people who need to move and lose excessive weight
without pain or fear of letting go:

7-3 Downsizing tool

There are two basic ideas to ponder as you use
this tool:

Can I live without this item? (Keep your

feeling antenna open what things can you
simply not live without?)
Who would be happy to receive this free
gift? Who needs it? How good would it feel
to give this to them?
55

Now, heres how it is done. Out of 7 pieces of furniture, in random order, I picked 3 of them to keep. I
picked 7 books on each shelf and kept 3 of them My
mind started to get it very fast. It became easy to look at
7 things at a time, keeping 3 of them as life companions,
and saying thank you and goodbye to the remaining 4.
The choices were made in my heart.
For example, from my basement I hauled up 7
boxes crammed with sentimental hopes, dreams, and
memories, such as a 35-year-old Barbie and other dolls.
Plus clothes, schoolbooks, 1st grade memorabilia, baby
stuff from my sons birth right up to his schooldays, old
books (memories of beloved Aunt Emmy), clothes of a
potential smaller body size (in completely insane fashion
I was hoping to become the skinny teenage size 0 again
at 43 years old). And oh yes, old love letters proof that
I was once loved. I was tough with myself. I decided,
firmly, that I could only keep what would fit into 3 boxes.
(Yikes.) So I placed 3 empty boxes opposite the 7 filled
ones.
There they were: 10 boxes on my lawn, and I dived
in. I started sorting, with my girly heart open and my
adult mind coaching the fear away. I started with 7 old
schoolbooks, kept 3 favorite ones, and put them in the
empty boxes. Of 7 pieces of baby clothes I decided to
keep 0 (thereby beginning to let go of a deeply held goal:
another child). This way, keeping none of the 7 baby
clothes, I had made a bargain with myself, and I could
keep 7 books instead! You see the system? If you choose
7-5 in one category, you have to go 7-1 in another, and
doing this in boxes makes it tough, because there is limited space!
What really got to me was giving away my sons
things from his toddler days. I was forced to really re-

linquish that dream, that of having another child. It was

never really about the clothes or the toys. I realized it was
too late for me and that realization put me directly and
painfully into mental meltdown. I called a young (and
poor) couple that I knew were expecting a child. I told
them not to mind me, sitting on the floor sobbing and
rocking when they came to pick up 7 boxes of really good
quality clothes and baby toys! It was so hard, but I had to
let go. And it is odd: when I think about it today I cant
even remember what I threw out or gave away!
I know now I dont have to keep 20 of my beloved Grandmothers belongings! I only really need the
memory in my heart and maybe two lovely items to
make me happy.
I chose, through this whole downsizing period,
not to sell anything, but to give it all away with love, even
though I could have used the money. Because doing so
made me feel rich. The joy on the faces of those who received these things made it all so worth it. I still remember their smiling eyes, but not what they received!

Play it till you make it This is my first attempt and the front
cover of my first book: An apartment in Small-ville Denmark
turned into a wooden cottage in USA, just to get the feel and
the fix of being somewhere else for my yearning soul. And
it worked.

Make the place

you work
the place you love
56

Play It Till You Make It:

Being with the estate agent in the new apartment I
felt numb, really! But we took it, because it was close to
my sons school and his fathers apartment. My son liked
it immediately because of the carpets on the floor. But
I hated them they made my Shabby Chic furniture
look like Shabby Shit! We needed to share the only
bedroom, but he was 11, so in order to respect the new
privacy of his adolescence, we took turns sleeping in the
bed or on the sofa.
My sons memory today, at 20 years old, is that
it was cozy and calm being with me alone there. I
wanted to live in an American-style wooden house,
so when I found old wooden floor boards at a garage sale, I instinctively bought them. I transported
them to our parking lot and painted them one by one
and had a friend place them on the wall. In our new
American Cottage I made a shared playroom/office,
with two IKEA table supporters, IKEA bookshelves
and some mature table tops from an old factory near

to us. I hung my favorite pictures on my side and my

sons favorites on his side. In the evenings and afternoons we enjoyed sitting together doing homework
and working or painting and reading. Voila: My first
Play-It-Till-You-Make-It home evolved out of love,
creativity and spontaneously.
I started a new interior decorating business
from this home office. I soon found clients again and
gave it my best effort. But I didnt really like my life
as a single mother and was exhausted and experiencing body aches and pains. I know now this was the
result of my negative outlook. I felt dark and miserable, feeling a sense of lack instead of abundance and
gratitude for all that I had! Right there at that horrible place we all know as Rock Bottom, God found
me on the floor, sobbing against the heater just as
Elisabeth did in Eat, Pray Love. I had heard of people
becoming spiritual overnight and this really is what
happened to me. In fact, I changed my whole outlook
on life within a few days!

57

Over the next three years God showed me, pebble

after pebble, the way to my new life. He taught me that
every home I lived in was my classroom and I was to
absorb and learn new things about myself and become a
spiritual teacher! He healed me from the inside out with
daily miracles. And the final outcome of this detox was:
I learned how to create lovely, peaceful and soul-restoring homes no matter where I was so I could pay it
forward to you!
I had made an agreement with myself that The
Carpet Home would only be temporary, and that I would
move again when I found something with more "charm."
This I did, one year later. Can you imagine? Four moves
in three years! Thank you to all my dear friends and family, who always came to help me! And a big thank you to
Nikolai for being so patient and helpful!

58

Writers
retreat in
france

The apartment we moved into was even smaller.

But it was much cozier and the neighborhood was beautiful, although our apartment was the ugliest building on
the street! It was a typical temporary home or Divorce
Barrack, as I loved to call it. It consisted of a small living room connected to what was supposed to be a dining room, one master bedroom, a tiny bathroom with
washing machine/dryer, a small worn out kitchen, and
an even smaller storage room than the apartment we had
left (in the basement).
I was on a continuous Cardboard Box Diet trying
to lose excessive weight, sorting, throwing out/giving to
charity, downsizing my belongings. It felt like a diet; just as
tough to go through and just as wonderful to complete. Instead of skinny jeans, I needed to fit into my storage room!
Fewer distractions on the outside meant I could
grow up on the inside. I began to play. The place I was
happiest during my holidays was Provence. So, my inner
playful self, who began trusting in me again, told me she
wanted to go to the South of France and restore her soul.
Off course, I had to give myself that mood-fix and find a
way to play. I re-found the basic joy of nesting using very
little money but all my creativity and my bare hands. Soon
it felt like we lived in a French B & B! I knew what my heart
told me and I could vividly see the images in my minds
eye from happy holidays in France. And I had my computer for reference. I wanted to play, and bring it all to life
for us!
I loved old French houses in those luscious pale
colors, set off by the vivid shades of the flowers on their
balconies. I found photographs of shutters in soft green,
soft blue and pale gray, and more of cream-colored stone
houses with white windows and pale rose-painted shutters. Gorgeous I bought paint in those colors and started painting my grandmothers old bookcases and 25
shelves. All over the apartment I felt free and happy painting to Edith Piaf and other French artists! Lydia, an artist
and dear friend of mine, decorated pieces of boards I had
painted and on them wrote these French words: Education desprit (Soul Education), Decoration (Interior
Design), Voyages (Travels), Fleur de jardin (Garden

Flowers). I had a tiny but beautiful library! I gave my son

the master bedroom, to allow him the best possible space
to play with friends, retreat to do home-work and to sleep.
I was single I just needed sleep! I hung a lovely painted
sign right outside the front door of the apartment, on the
first floor: It read: LAuberge dEspoir, which means Inn
Of Hope, and indeed it was!
We lived there for two and a half years, and Nikolai
has since shared with me that hell never forget the cozy
hours. He remembers the apartment with great joy. We
didnt lose anything! On the contrary, we gained a new and
better life together. And I gained new insights on almost
everything in my life. I was different; my view of my life
was different. I could still have been depressed, hated my
life, seen the lack, but now I only saw and appreciated the
good in my life. This attitude and the display of this attitude in our home led me to the happy and fulfilled life
for which I was destined. And it changed my sons outlook
on life forever.
I had the following needs: A cozy corner to seek inspiration, a place to work (I couldnt afford an office anywhere), a spiritual
sanctuary to pray and meditate, a cozy bed to read and sleep in, a dining area to entertain my few and dear friends. All of these
needs were met by making small zones in one room: The window corner became my Sanctuary. Here I read my spiritual books
and wrote my first Danish book, Home with a Heart while looking out at the Perfect Families living all around me. I tried to bless
them instead of feeling jealousy. This was not easy on my darkest days.

59

In the small living room Nikolai and I often ate our

meals in front of the TV (mounted on a fake wall to hide
the cables, which I had designed myself). This actually
turned out to be a good way for us to be together without
talking much. He was now 12 years old, closed for reconstruction by the forces of nature. This was probably
not the educationally correct procedure, but it worked
for us! In the sofa we also read many Harry Potter books...Ah, come on Mom... just 10 more pages!

60

He loved his own room and these photos have been an inspiration to many Danish readers. This is how to create a warm and
personal room for a teen with little money and effort!

This little home was the source of great learning

and growth for me. I learned the whole Pay It Forward
Home Edition concept here: I baked buns for neighbors,
performed services for the elders in the neighborhood
and helped other single parents find new ways of coming Home after a divorce! I worked whenever I had the
energy.
My income increased as I finally found worth
in my own work. So much joy had conquered my fear
in many ways and I started writing down what I had
learned about House-Coaching. I wrote the book Home
with a Heart, the first Danish self-help book on interior

design. It was created for all those people struggling with

a life-changing even who felt Homesick-at-Home. Filled
with practical ideas yet low costs, the book was very popular and changed my life! Today, six years later, I understand that my moving provoked necessary life-changes
and those life changes made me move. And even more
importantly, I came to realize this powerful truth:

Home is You
Home is Love
61

Jennifer Weiner, Fly Away Home

Divorce isnt such a tragedy.

A tragedys staying in an
unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong
things about love.
Nobody ever died of divorce.
62

KRPHDJDLQRUPRYLQJLQWRJHWKHUIRUVLQJOHVDQGIXVLRQIDPLOLHV.LUVWHQ6WHQR

The
Challenges
Kirsten Steno
of the
Single Parent:

Coming home again af

Ho

How to Ease the Way!

According to the United States Census Bureau,
there are approximately 13.6 million single parents in
the United States today caring for more than 21 million
children. Being a single parent is a common and difficult
challenge in our busy world. Having struggled through it
myself and worked with so many people weighed down
by responsibility, I am thrilled to offer tools which effectively lessen the overload most single parents are enduring.
Mark Twain once said: If a cat sits on a hot stove,
the cat will never sit on a hot stove again. The problem

is the cat will never sit on a cold stove, either. The cat
just wont sit on stoves, because every time it sees a stove
it sees a painful failure! He thinks to himself, Danger
danger! I tried that and it didnt work, or Ill never get
hurt like that again.
We are the same. We get burned, and then we can
turn our backs on the possibility of new wonderful love!
And life can pass us by. You think to yourself, I have
learned the hard way. My marriage, my childhood or
all kinds of hardship formed me into who I am today.
Painful, perhaps, but nevertheless true. In reality, all the

63

hardships you endure are a gift to your growth, if you

choose it! Like rats in a laboratory, you learn both from
electric shock warnings and from sugar water rewards.
Happiness is not a feeling, it is a state of mind we can
choose. This is a huge concept, so worth repeating: Happiness is not a feeling, it is a state of mind we can choose.
I am not saying it is always easily achieved; it does take
effort and a firm decision.
But its always an option every single minute
of every single day. I know, because after my marriage
broke up I cried my eyes out and suffered for way too
long, until I finally detached from my pain and began
to take care of myself. And crying is tiring! No one can
easily stop crying if theyre exhausted, so try this: Decide
right now that you are going to cry less. Decide to feel
less hurt, to feel less angry, right now, this minute. It is
powerful when you make up your mind to it. You can
learn from your past and then turn your back on it its
over! Now begin to taking care of yourself in this new
life as a single parent in this new temporary Home. Right
now start looking ahead! Make room for a new love in
your life: Yourself!
OK, here is the scenario: The moving company
left days ago, the kids may have started in a new school,
old friends may not be available, your parents are too old
and your siblings too simply far away. What now? Surely
people always try their best to organize the move ahead
of time, but you just cannot plan for the mess, the chaos,
and the fatigue that awaits you. You walk through rooms
gazing at mountains of stacked, marked cardboard
boxes You begin to cut them open without having the
vaguest idea where to put everything. Its awful. Even if
it was you that wanted out of the marriage or relation-

64

ship and the move seems like a heart-felt decision, you

still abhor this unsettled situation and long for a happy,
peaceful home and family life. The truth is the move
resulted from a broken heart, no matter whose decision
it was, and the joy you remember feeling in your past
moves is nowhere to be found. What you feel and how
you view your circumstances will decide how long you
stay in a state of meltdown following any catalytic event
in your life.
These events hit all of us in various ways throughout our lives; what is important is how we overcome
them! Right now youve probably lost yourself in the
move. This is the time when you need a good life coach to
help you get through this meltdown, fast. You also need
someone to help you get installed in your new home.
Let me in. Id love to help you understand the
metamorphosis process which occurs, when you are in
transition. Because you are only capable of changing that
which you fully understand.
Moving a home and half a family is almost as
stressful as becoming seriously ill. You, as a single parent,
need to be set free from too many expectations. You need
to know that what is going on in your home affects your
whole life, including your inner life, the soul. It takes
time! Give it time.
It takes time to heal a wound, and you are truly
wounded. But with the right care you will heal! I have
survived the pain you have been going through, too,
more than once, and stepped forward to a greater life,
with help from great mentors. I know that no one can
create a lovely, soul-restoring nest when being immensely fatigued...

The Butterfly Metaphor:

I use The Butterfly Metaphor to help my clients understand that they need to undergo three stages of transformation to achieve the life they were meant to live. I encourage them to replace fear with love and trust. It sounds
strange, but we can in fact be both caterpillar and butterfly at the same time in various areas of our life (e.g. When
you a have just been fired but are newly in love, or in a lovely home, etc.)
Just like the butterfly transforms and dies to its former self, you too, after a catalytic life event, must let go of who
you were. Like the butterfly, you have an opportunity to become your truly awesome self!
Id like to thank others for their inspiration: Martha Beck describes her version of the human metamorphosis on
her website http://marthabeck.com/2003/01/growing-wings-the-power-of-change/ and Marianne Williamson has
written the wonderful book The Gift of Change (HarperCollins Publishers).

1. Meltdown:

This is the moment when a life shock hits us

right in the gut and life will never be the same again:
A: Without notice, youre called to your new
young boss office where he explains, curtly, why
you are fired. At the age of 56 you know there is no
immediate chance of being employed again, even
though you feel Young-at-Heart.
B: In the midst of writing this book, my son, who had
been sick for six months, was called a wimp until I brought him
to a private hospital and a brilliant neurologist found the cause:
a brain tumor. This meltdown completely changed not only his
life but mine. We were only able to cope with the challenges by
focusing on love and gratitude.
C: Your loved one stands in the kitchen door, like a
thousand times before. But now you feel in your gut something
is wrong. You just know from the look in his/her eyes; sorry,
but there is a new love. You watch your loved one pack and
leave.
D: Talking on the cell phone, or turning around to
make the kids stop fighting, and bam, you didnt see the car
hurtling towards you. Or worse, hurtling towards the child that
just leapt out into the street chasing a puppy.
You know from your own life what a meltdown feels
like and you know friends and family whove experienced the
same. This is the stage where you hide to the world and create a mental chrysalis. In here you need to accept that this is
not only a bad thing but a chance to create the life for which
youve secretly been yearning. Allow the mental pain, which
comes in waves, to flow over you without getting drowned by
it. Eventually the pain will lessen, the waves will get smaller and
youll catch your vital deep breath again. Reach within for clarity, strength, forgiveness, love, peace and harmony you need
it to get to the next stage:

Put the oxygen mask on

yourself before putting
it on your children
To return to your adult, rational, happy self and
behavior, you need to take time to recover.
Here are some suggestions:
Get someone to help by babysitting your child/children,
leaving you chunks of free time to just breathe deep or
sleep.
Eat well every day: fresh vegetable and salad, organic
meats or fresh fish.
Take a multi-vitamin and extra Vitamin C you need
more nutrients to handle the stress and the shock. And yet
this is often the time people ignore their own needs!
Drink plenty of lukewarm boiled water with lemon as a
detox.
Walk in nature, feeling the presence of Divinity, of the
Source of everything, that power that is greater than you.
I recommend you watch as little TV as possible, and then
only indulge in TV shows about people overcoming lifes
obstacles. Only feel-good emails may enter your inbox
and be replied to. Delete all the others. This is some of the
best advice I ever got! You are choosing to feel good, not
wallow in misery.
And before sleeping, read at least ten minutes in one of the
books I recommend, such as:
Martha Beck: Finding Your Own North Star
John Maxwell: Failing Forward, Turning Mistakes into
Stepping Stones
Deepak Chopra: The Path to Love, Spiritual Strategies for
Healing
Rhonda Byrnes: The Magic (The Secret)

65

You can buy them second-hand (such as I did on

Amazon.com) or borrow them from the library. When
sleep finally takes over your wounds are healing. Its
natures own rhythm.
Trouble sleeping? Oh, this is so common after periods of stress. And you need good quality sleep to help restore your mind, body and soul. Here are a few suggestions:
Maintain regular hours; even if you are not sleepy, wind
down to get ready for bed at a normal time. Do something
relaxing and peaceful for an hour before bed, like rest in a
warm bath, or read one of the books I recommend. And do
so in as low light as you can research has shown reduced
light prepares our systems for sleep. Do not play video
games before bed or watch violent movies! Eat something
light and carbohydrate-based, like a bit of yogurt or a few
crackers, but do not eat heavily. That is not conducive to
good sleep. And be wary of alcohol! You may think it relaxes
you, but in actual fact it has a rebound stimulating effect
an hour or two after you have fallen asleep, and then you
may lie awake for ages! Try Valerian (the herb) or Calms
(homeopathic Passion Flower and others) for relaxation. Or
try two milligrams of melatonin half an hour before bedtime to tell your body it is time to sleep.
OK, now it is morning, you have slept well (I hope!)
and you feel the urge to get on with sorting out this mess!
For the first few days, let boxes be boxes. Only unpack what
you absolutely need to prepare food and get dressed. Make
a pile of boxes in one corner of your new home; youll get
to unpack them when the time is right! Make sure you all
have a comfortable bed to sleep in and each room maintains an even temperature. Get the basics working in your
kitchen, so you can nourish and comfort yourself and your
children. It is vital for this metamorphosis, that You, yes You
begin caring for yourself, as You would care for someone
you love dearly, then youll soon be able to take better care
of your children. In this phase youll have to compromise.
Love them and feed them thats all, theyll live and survive
this better if you are strong and healthy!

Start writing a Gratitude Journal. I did this and

it did speed up my healing. Find 10 things to be grateful for; its a powerful gymnastic exercise for your brain,
causing it to shift and produce new positive neurons.
Even Oprah says so... and you know if Oprah says so!
Tell your kids and your concerned family and friends
that its going to take a while, that youll need every practical bit of help you can get. Tell them you know it will all
turn out well for all of you, but they must to be patient with
you. Your soul is rehabilitating! And dont worry if you find
yourself wondering around in the middle of the night, holding two candlesticks and you are clueless where to put
them It is not Alzheimers, its just Temporary Moving
Disorder. At that moment, imagine me in front of you, like
a cop in front of a desperate, exhausted junk-addict. I hold
out my hands to show you I am not armed or dangerous. I
say to you, gently but firmly: Put them down. I approach
you not to handcuff you but to hug you lovingly and tell
you to go to bed and rest. Soon youll have more energy.

This is my grattitude journal

Oprah

The single greatest thing you can do to

change your life today would be to start being
grateful for what you have right now.
And the more grateful youare,
the more you get.
66

2. Morph into the New You:

Dare to Dream
Make the place you live the place youll
love.
Most of us live with a longing for another life (home) or at least improvements. I
used to believe you could never decorate yourself out of mental pain, but in fact you can. When youre
rested, comfortable with the thought of living in a Temporary Life and Home, grateful for the small blessings
in life and patient with yourself in the process, then its
time to Dare to Dream. Youre going on an adventure,
to make your best life happen within these walls! This is
your cocoon from which you will emerge as the beautiful
butterfly you were meant to be. And, as an extra bonus,
youll be an excellent role model for your children. Youll
be showing them how to overcome lifes obstacles and to
be grateful for life itself.
Now, the present moment is the perfect time for
you to steer towards your new life, and certainly the direction you are steering towards should always feel like
joy and freedom. Can you remember what that felt like?

who else have gone

through this and
survived?
What can I do with
the life/home thats
mine now?
What is still making
me happy?
What could bring me
hope in the midst of
this misery?

Ask yourself these questions:

What now?
These general questions can lead you to:
A: How can I find others in my age group, and
how can we support and help each other? Where do I
find Hero Stories of people who lost their job at my
age, did not hide, but used the storm to surge ahead?
How can I make a home office to dream and scheme
while I am looking for my right life?
Can I take any job and stop being ambitious in
corporate life? Can I shift focus and become a blessing
to the ones I love in my private life?
B: My son morphed in more than a physical way.
Dr. Brains of all kinds showed him deep respect,
knowing he had plowed through his final college exams
and even taught his peers with a huge tumor in his brain.
Hes no longer thought of as a wimp hes Simba, The
Lion King! Undergoing this trauma in his young life
is giving him the courage to seek bold new adventures
in his future!
C: Once you have stopped hating, crying, and
grieving, you change your perception. You and you alone
hold the key to forgiveness and love, and this op e ns
doors to a bright future for everyone involved. You need
to care for yourself and let go of poisonous feelings. In
your anger and hurt you may want to kill others, but the
poison you take will kill you instead of your target
so let go!
Look for inspiration from other heroes and
heroines that survived traumas and life changes; look
for those that became colorful, unique butterflies soaring in the sun, like the caterpillar could never imagine!
Car accidents, brain tumors, job losses, divorces, etc.,
never seem to be part of a bigger plan but they will be,
if you begin to be present in the moment, be grateful for
what you still have, and receive what you are given with
grace. Life/God is teaching you a lesson, so study, read
articles, read books, and watch inspirational movies of
survivors. In the Tool box you will find the Pathfinder
Vision Board which will help you set the coordinates to
find your Unique Magical Life.

67

3. Emerge as the New

Unique You:
In nature, after only 10 to 14
days as a chrysalis, the butterfly is
ready to emerge. Humans often need
somewhat longer! How long depends on the bigger
plan and your willingness to learn and grow.
When the butterfly emerges from its chrysalis, its
wings are small and wet, and he cannot yet fly. The butterfly must pump fluids from its abdomen through veins
in its wings, which causes the wings to expand to their
full size. You too must pump all your thoughts of hope,
love, faith and joy into your wings, before you are ready
to fly. Next, the wings must dry and the butterfly must
exercise its flight muscles, and you must as well! You will
try and fail, but then you try again and suddenly youll
see your life from a completely new perspective. Like the
butterfly on its virgin flight!
Its a miracle; the gift in its shabby wrapping was
the chance to become who we really are. We realize, from
practice, that we are bigger than our problems. We now
know our immense potential, and we welcome the opportunity to become a blessing to ourselves and to others. As we change the world around us changes with us.
Youre a butterfly ready to emerge, ready to come
home.
My mission is to help you on your mission! So,
heres my personal House-Coach gift to you: Four Steps
to Help Your Home Emerge as a Butterfly.

68

Step 1: This is deep practice of the Loving What

Is concept. Take photographs of every room and every
corner. Pretend you are photographing someone elses
mess in a magazine or on TV. Then describe in writing
what you see on every photo. Youre stating the facts here.
For example, I see boxes, furniture, and other items
which belong in a bedroom. I see a chair which belongs
in a dining room, cushions for a sofa, a flower stand for a
garden (even if you do not have a garden anymore!), and
storage shelves for an office, etc. When you have named
the corners of every room and the items in them, they are
registered for later use.
Step 2: The next step is called Adopting. This
consists of choosing furniture and decorations with love.
First you divide your home, and even parts of the rooms,
into zones. What is the purpose of that zone; what will
you do in that portion of the room? Before choosing any
furniture, decorative elements or colors it is vital to know
WHAT you want to do in your home zones... like preparation before a real adoption. Then decide where each item
fits based on what its purpose is in your life.
Step 3: Sort, play and give away! Grab every box

and piece of furniture which you have registered and place

them in the zone they would best belong. There might
be too much and then you have to downsize using my
7-3 Downsizing tool (read the My Story chapter if you
havent yet or see the Tool box at the end of the book). Put
some of the items you have no room for but cannot let
go of, such as your grandmothers rocking chair, in foster
care with a sister or friend, or store them in a storage facility. It is better to live with less. Better to be surrounded
by items that really matter to you than to cram as much as
possible into a smaller home. If you have gained weight,
you wear loose clothes, not tight ones! Let your new
home be airy and spacious you can always bring more
in within the next few months if you still want to. This is
a Temporary Home. The emphasis, here, is on the word
Home not on Temporary. Make it comfortable and store
the excess stuff safely or just give it away!
Begin placing items with the easiest pieces first: bed
or sofa. Where would you instinctively like to rest your
soul? Its best to face the door, where you can see whos
coming in and with a wall against your back. If its a living
room, you can place the sofa in the middle of the room
and a desk or console table behind it, just to be sure your
back is covered. This is an ancient concept and philosophy, from the days when we lived in caves and by nature
we still respond well to this kind of safety.

Step 4: Place all other furniture in the right zones.

Be playful on paper at first. Use music while you sort and
move things to open up your heart to your natural-born
nester. Sort paintings and pictures and if you need it, get
help from someone whos good at hanging pictures (we all
know someone). Then place lamps. Consider asking for
help here, too, for the wiring. Place your decorative pieces
and remember all the time to keep a joyful and playful
spirit and to reward yourself when you have completed
nesting a zone.
Colors are the icing of the cake. The ones that repeat themselves on your Pathfinder Vision Board are the
ones to choose.

70-30% color tool:

70% of these will be neutral colors, which are
black, white, brown, grey, white, beige, wooden material.
30% will be of your favorite color scheme. (Interestingly,
in my work in the Scandinavian countries, this tends to
be 80/20%. The warmer the climate, the higher the percentage of bright colors!) There could be images at the
beach, such as green and blue/turquoise. There might be
images of Miami or Haiti with brighter colors. Add the

color tones which make you feel happy, in accents such

as cushions, paintings, posters, books, vases and candles.
Or try just one wall with color (for pictures), or a square
with wallpaper behind the sofa.
Welcome Home! The butterfly has emerged, ready
to fly and live the life it was destined to live! This is really
about the journey and not the destination, though that
is sweet too! But the vitally important aspect of all this is
to feel at home in every zone of your home, to have adopted each and every item with love and to know youre
safe even in this tiny shoebox of a home. Its wonderful to
be back Home. And from here, youll one day move on
to another, perhaps bigger nest, where you will be able
to bring the rest of the furniture family in storage or
foster care.
This is the time when you acknowledge lifes miracles, both great and small. You are beginning to appreciate each days tiny blessings, but more deeply, you are
grateful beyond measure for the newfound love and joy
in your heart.
And be aware: if or when another meltdown hits
you, after another catalytic life event, youll know what it
takes to go through all the stages. And you will know that
you can do it!
Now that you are fully recharged, its time to help
your children through the exact same process:

69

Childrens rooms:
A Soul Recharger.
This is vital no matter how small a room or
how young the child. Childrens lives are the future of us all.
Most teenagers and today also young children
know how vital it is to know where the charger for their
cell phone is located. No energy equals no contact with
the outer world, and this would be catastrophic! A room
without energy has the same effect: no recharging of the
soul. Being deprived of energy for long will eventually
make them Homesick-at-Home. They will be restless, not
unlike a dog that turns round and round before resting and
finally settling down.
For shared kids, those who have two homes, this
is even more important. They often need doubles of many
things. Please make them feel cared for and let them know
you understand how hard it is for them to have two places
in which to nest. Get another key to a bicycle, extra school
supplies, chargers, etc, in both places. No adult would ever
agree to live on their terms, but we give them no choice.
This is why their rooms are extremely important even if
they only spend only a quarter of their lives in them. It must
always be lovely and soul-restoring to visit each parent. If
they always look forward to open arms and lovely rooms,
theyll more easily survive the life of a modern nomad.
To create a room that recharges their soul, ask what
their interests are and decorate from there. I once helped a

70

single father with an eight-year-old son, who was trudging

back and forth from either parent, every other weekend.
Our goal was to transform his 80-nights-a-year room at
Dads into a comfortable and fun haven. Since the son and
father were both avid soccer fans, we decorated an entire
bedroom wall with images of the sons favorite team. Also,
since he loved Harry Potter, we covered a used office chair
with a Hogwarts cape his Grandmother had made. We
topped the whole thing with some of his favorite Lego and
old, much-loved teddies.
It took only two weekends to create this with the
help of friends and family, but it meant the world to the
boy. And it soothed some of his fathers guilt! The son then
wanted his friends to come home to both of his homes!
And the father/son relationship remained close.

Even small children, down to the age of three,

know what they like. Another client of mine was a newly
divorced father who had moved into a tiny apartment
with sloped ceilings. Forced to act fast to find somewhere,
anywhere, this was available and cheap, both important
considerations in a newly divorced situation. The fathers
sister called me in to rescue him, since he had absolutely
no idea how to make his little son comfortable, or how to
soothe him, in this new un-home-like home.
Although it had only one small bedroom, the
father had decided it would be for his small son, and we
set out to decorate it. I brought fabrics from Designers
Guild for children, as they are always a hit with kids! As
the little fellow scrolled through the myriad patterns and
colors he stopped suddenly. His face lit up with a huge

grin, and he showed us a vibrant pattern: a lime-green

background and a big pink birthday cake in the center
with multi-colored candles.
I love this! he exclaimed. He was bursting with
joy but the father was not too pleased with the little boys
choice. I suspected it was simply too girly. His father
kept looking through the patterns and discovered one
with little blue and red cars on a green background.
Look, cars, you love cars! Nice try, I thought to
myself. But his son instantly scrolled back to the birthday
cake.
No, I want this! His face clouded over a little, and
as his father looked up at me in despair, for help, I knew I
needed a compromise!
I smiled encouragement at both these strong personalities, and said, Look, I can make blinds of the Happy
Birthday pattern that roll up during the day and down at
night and then you paint a green wall near his bed, and
Ill make multi-color cushions with the car pattern for the
bed Hows that?
We made a deal and then the happy little boy could
wake up to the sight of Happy Birthday every morning
on the blinds and feel again the joy he felt when he first
saw that lovely cake.

This teenage girl got stuck with the left-over furniture from her parents and
old bedroom curtains from the 80s. This room was not a Heart and Soul Recharger. We got to work, all together, on a makeover, full of intent and design
and creativity, with her tastes and needs in mind. Her father worked with her to
design and create a new desk from MDF (medium dense fiber) and when we
were done, the young girl blossomed.

71

Kirsten Steno: House-coach

Myth: You need to find the right

kind of house and perfect
location before you can settle
into a home, where you'll then
feel Love, Peace & Harmony.
Reality: You need to feel Love,
Peace & Harmony inside yourself,
then you can make anywhere you
live a powerful home and live a
powerful life.
72

Our Story
A Patchwork
Family
A Patchwork Family, one of the most common living arrangements in todays world, is simply a new family
made up from pieces of divorced families. Simply may not
be the right word for it, because it is anything but simple. It
consists of pieces of families trying to adjust, find comfort,
and fit with pieces of other families. No situation needs
House-Coaching any more than this one. It is full of potential pitfalls: arguments about money, bedrooms, how to
bring up the kids, how to decorate, and on and on. It is all
so new, and somehow we go into it believing it will all be
peachy and easy. When it isnt, we dont know how to cope.
How I wish House-Coaching existed to help Frank
and me and the kids when we went through it! We could
have saved two years of pain and struggle
Our story may help you. You may relate, and you
will find tools that will save you some of the angst we endured.

The day my book Home with a Heart was released,

I picked up Frank at the airport, as he had been in the
USA for a few weeks. He accompanied me to the publisher where they had saved us the thrill of opening the
very first box and viewing the very first book! Frank and
I and the publishers raised our glasses of beer in a happy
toast. What a moment! It was especially poignant and
heart-warming for me; I was literally launching into a
new chapter in my own life this chapter!
A while later, after we waved good-bye to my publishers and left the building, Frank stopped and turned to
face me. He gently grasped my hand and looked into my
eyes as if for the very first time, suggesting we walk down
to the lovely church in Copenhagen where Crown Prince
Frederic had married Crown Princess Mary. He thought
it was the perfect place to light candles for my book. It
was a brilliant idea! We slowly walked up the aisle and

73

kneeled to pray in front of the famous figure of Jesus,

created by the Danish sculptor, Thorvaldsen.
Deep in our prayer of gratitude Frank spoke softly.
Will you marry me? The words hung sweetly in the air,
and in my heart. And just seconds before he had spoken
those words, I had vividly heard in my mind the words,
Will you...? So, I instinctively knew this was the moment. After our series of trials, tribulations, and relationship hiccups, we were finally ready. So without a shadow
of doubt, I answered, Yes!
Over an unforgettable dinner, where I gave him
his personal copy of our book, with a heartfelt dedication, we decided to move in together again! This time
it would be on a whole new basis. We were much wiser,
having gone through the process of forgiveness. This
really means a willingness to see the light in someones
soul, even when their personality harbors darkness. And
all our personalities harbor darkness. Living in forgiveness not only frees us, but also frees others from the
weight of our condemnation.

74

Inspired by Marianne Williamsons insights of

love and spirituality, we had learned why so many facets
of our lives had not worked before this point. We had
learned that those difficulties stemmed from the parts of
ourselves we had not yet integrated. So, where we didnt
yet accept ourselves, we attracted the lack of acceptance
in each other. Where we hadnt dealt with our shadows,
we manifested shadowy situations. Broken parts in me
encountered broken parts in him. You can only change
what you realize and accept in your heart.
We decided to re- write our love story and began
by re-decorating our new home.
I had written in my diary in 2008, I must let go
of my independence and the possibility of running back
to my turtle shield/home whenever things get tough!
I knew they would, and this had been my answer in the
past.
The day I said yes to moving my son and me into
a new life and home, again, with Frank and his kids, was

an even bigger challenge than the last time. That was because this home his childhood home was not ours. It
was theirs, like our first Waterloo years ago. Oh, my, I
can tell you there was a lot of fear involved! Would history repeat itself?
(Be sure to check out the Camp David Accord description in the chapter, Young-Love Nest: Boy Meets
Girl. You will find it helpful!).
Frank hadnt insisted we stay in this childhood
home, he just thought it was fun as a temporary home.
He thought it was fun to be a story in my book and
loved how we redesigned most of it together for later
sale. Although his heart was not in it, he felt it would be
good for his kids. Their mothers life choices (as well as
our earlier ones) meant theyd already overcome several
moves. This was a safe place to them. They had known it
all their lives and they certainly deserved to finally stay in
a Home for a few more years!
Frank and I planned to live in it as a Temporary
Home, just for a couple of years. The world wide regression had hit us in Denmark too, so we chose to make the
best of the house, have fun with the process until times
got better. sound familiar?
We had some finagling to do. There was simply not
enough physical room for two adults and two teenagers
and one young man. Happily this young man (Franks
oldest son was 20 at that time) volunteered to move into
a studio nearby. It was a perfect solution for all of us, because this allowed Franks daughter to move into the big
basement room, where his son used to stay. She wanted

this room for years! And voila: her room became my

sons new room.
My son had to sacrifice the big room he was used
to and also give up what I liked to call our ego time
together, in order to get a family life with more action.
But he loved it! So it worked out beautifully, for all of us.
So, now everyone had a room... or not? Frank had
the garage with all his tools, his motorcycle and his car.
But where was mine? Typically for most moms, we make
sure our kids get a room, if possible, and our room becomes the bedroom or worse, the kitchen. But we sorely
need a refuge in times of those trials and tribulations!
This is hugely important in order to survive and thrive
as a mother, a bonus mother and a lover. Ill address
this further in the chapter entitled, The Challenges of
the Patchwork Family; You Can Make the Quilt Work!

40 + 40 + 20 Tool:
In order to avoid moving in with Frank, or he and
his kids moving in with us, I came up with a system: the
idea of using 40% of his furniture and decorative items
and 40% of mine. Then we would buy the last 20% together. This seemed to spell perfect fairness. And indeed
it worked like a charm! Both of our souls, and the souls
of our children, were given a fair chance of settling in to
Home, with items they were used to and loved. I let go of
many of my Shabby Chic items and furniture and Frank
let go of many Phillip Stark pieces, stainless steel clocks
and wine bottle displays, etc.

A former very masculine garage (with motorcycle) met a

new feminine energy (cushions). I had to let go of most of
my beloved French Shabby Chic and he had to let go of his
French Modern design in order to fulfill the requirements of the
40/40/20 tool in our new home.

75

Finding a
theme

At first Frank and I agreed on finding a theme. We

brainstormed ideas, sometimes over a restaurant meal
with lots of red wine. Now let me warn you right off the
bat about wine! It seems and feels very serious to both of
you when youre a little drunk, so when youre talking to
a Homesick-at-Home person its best to be careful with
alcohol! Sometimes wed chat and throw ideas around
while we snuggled in bed in the late evening after lovemaking (women love to talk then!). Or sometimes wed
have a good chat/brainstorm on a Sunday morning with
breakfast in bed, or sometimes while walking along the
beaches nearby.
After

On these pages you can see how Frank lived

with his kids in the before shots, before his
home became our new Patchwork Home.
Before

Before

76

After

Before

This "Retro Dining Set" was moved to another part of the

living room. Instead his fathers desk became the new dining
table. Frank added his Danish Design chairs.
Panel curtains were created from hand-printed silk mixed
with IKEA rice-paper panels.

After

This seventies house had old worn-out windows. I convinced Frank he could only sell the house if he made two new
terraces and exchanged the windows. Little did I know then
Id be the one enjoying them! I am grateful that every morning
when the sun shines, I am able to do my yoga meditation on
the warm eastbound wooden terrace surrounded by flowers.

77

On a trip to New York later that year, we were

thrilled to discover an interior design language we both
could understand. This was at one of the gorgeous New
York BoConcept stores. I was stunned to find a Danish Store in New York and certainly had no idea at the
time that I would be working with them at a later date!
I liked the way the dark furniture, pale sofas and warm
bright color tones in accessories made sense to my kind
of decorating: It translated to 70% neutrals (Peace and
Harmony) and 30% colors (Love!). Theres our mantra
again Love, Peace and Harmony!
So, what we could agree on from our underlying
interests? Here is the essence of what we both loved and
still do:

Global Living:
Since we couldnt agree on a typical interior style,
we decided to play Global Living. We chose the countries in which we both had felt the most Love, Peace and
Harmony and where we had had most joyful fun and romantic memories:
- One end of the living room: Our condo in New York
- The opposite end: Our sea cottage on Long Island
- Our mutual home work place (copying the cover idea
from my first book):
- Our hip office somewhere in California
- Our dining room: A restaurant in Paris
- Our kitchen: Our countryside cottage in Cornwall, in
England
- Our bedroom: The French Bed and Breakfast
- Happy Ending: Our Patchwork Home!
In our new home its not 40 + 40 + 20 in every
country, but overall, it is. In the chapter My Story you
can see what my home looked like before. Then if you
compare the images of our new Patchwork Home, you
will recognize many items from our former homes.

Travel around the world

Enjoying work which aligns with our
desire to live our Lifes Purpose
Entertainment of all kind: Theater,
concerts, cinema for the two of us or
with the kids
Having guests for casual dinner
Crashing on the sofa, spooning in
front of the TV
Finding a sea cottage (We found it in
2012!)
Keeping cost for decorating low in
order to stimulate our creativity
Always honoring this concept: To
want and appreciate what we have
and take what were given with grace.
78

New carpet, new cushions (These can be turned over to reveal

a completely different look: on one side they are just plain, no
flowers. Sometimes, when it feels too feminine for Frank, he just
turns them! The Roman curtains and new photo frames with
lovely pictures = A Happy Wall = 20%

New York
30% mine, 50% his, 20% new: My two sofas with new white
linen covers and my lamps = 30%. His 50% = 2 old coffee
tables with one leg taken off (Franks design). His drawers redesigned with modern aluminum legs, and his TV and surround
sound (it is more often men who bring this element into the new
home).

79

Long Island

50% mine, 20% his, 30% new. My chairs and

coffee table (now even lower as a display table),
my book shelves from IKEA, my white wooden
lamps and my sisters old kitchen floors mounted
on the wall. His 20% consisted of books and his
mothers drawing books. A new fireplace and
photo frames including real life souvenirs from our
Long Island travels = 30%

80

Paris

20% mine, 50% his, 30% new. My dining table and black painted top and two chairs = 20%. His bookshelves re-designed and a drawer
re-designed, his mothers white porcelain, his wine glasses and wine, and his lamps = 50%. The new white cupboard, photo frames, and
a chalkboard of painted chipboard = 30% new.

81

Hip Office

40% mine, 40% his, 20% new

(copying the front cover idea of my
first book). My tables and book cabinets, my MAC = 40%. His chairs
and top from his bedroom table, his
MAC = 40%. New lamps, frames
and travel memories = 20%

82

Cornwall UK
30% mine, 30% his, 40% new: My Shabby Chic porcelain, antique pitchers,
my former kitchen fabrics now turned into a roman blind = 30%. His kitchen,
the 40-year-old electrical devices (kept for fun) = 30%. New wallpaper from
Ralph Lauren, new mixer tap and mirrors, new fridge and dishwasher and different mugs we had bought on our travels = 40%.

83

South of france
My turn to get 60% (He got
the garage for his car!), 20%
his, 20% new: My curtains,
my dresser, my mirrors, and
my old table with my pots on
the terrace. His bed = 20%.
New wallpaper and cushions
(Designers Guild), new photo
frames for our Pathfinder Vision Board = photo collages of
Love Peace and Harmony. Plus
Joy!

84

You can copy this system easily, but sometimes

fairness can become a challenge, when one of you has
little in the way of possessions. If this is the situation, try
it another way, by remembering two key questions:

What soothes my
soul, and fits my
nature?
What if anything
were possible?
(Examples: Living on a boat or in nature, such as in a
cabin in the woods).
Here is how it worked for one of my male clients:
He went directly from a broken marriage into a new relationship. Staying in a hotel for six months, he stored his
few belongings at a friends house. He only contributed a
large leather sofa and a flat screen TV to the new living
situation. So to keep the balance, he bought more than
his new partner to come up with his 40%. And she had
to downsize her belongings to get down to her 40%.
Then they had fun buying the remaining 20% together!
A Room of My Own:
Our bedroom turned into my Asylum. Every
parent should aim to have it we need this! It needs to
be somewhere lovely where you can close the door and
just breathe.
Mine looked and felt like my former home (the
French B & B), so when I needed to find my soul, I retreated to the bedroom. I placed fresh flowers in my favorite old French vases, lit candles, listened to soft music
and read a good self-help book. Or I dove deep into myself with meditation and yoga on a soft blanket on the
terrace, when the weather would allow it. Although I often entered my Asylum frustrated and exhausted from
work or Patchwork Family life, I always came out in Zen
Mode. I was ready to give more of myself to the three
peeping chicks who wanted food and attention, or in
other words, my love.
I retreated to my Asylum when my bonus-daughter surfaced from her Dungeon room in the basement.
She watched her favorite TV show in the living room, sat
on my sofa while chatting on Facebook on her laptop,
texting her friends and eating a favorite snack all at the
same time! Her aura or essence filled the whole room.
Because she wasnt mine, I felt the need to leave my
place at the desk. Had this been my own son, his aura

wouldnt have disturbed me at all. There would have

been no beeping alert and I could have easily asked
him to turn down the TV or shut his mouth while eating! But somehow you just cant do that with a Bonus
child! Sorry, but thats just how it is! She too felt my aura
but fearlessly stayed and claimed her place well done,
Sweetheart!!
Post Script: Frank and I and my son Nikolai still
live here in our Temporary Home, five years after my
little family merged with his. Nikolai will leave us soon,
the final of our three butterflies! We have both been willing to compromise, not buying a bigger, smarter, more
beautiful house or beginning to build our dream house.
This beautiful life we share and the joy of writing this
book for you are much more important and valuable to
me.
We travel a lot alone, together and with our three
grown kids. We work a lot, but it is very fulfilling and
does not feel like work to us, because we are living our
deepest passions. I have given up the office downtown.
Now I can write in my French office (my sons former
room) or at the public library with a fantastic view for
free.
When our grown children are home to stay with
us, we enjoy being a Patchwork Family at its best. Its so
funny: we used to be the talk of the town, when we broke
up and sold our huge home. Now we have become role
models to others who have lost so much in the recession,
to those who thought an ugly house would not suit their
personalities or image. If comfort and prestige were our
highest aims, we would have missed out on the full lives
we live today.
We now know for sure that life is full of conflicts.
And whether we pass or fail these tests, they can be welcomed! Ours gave (and still give) us enlightenment and
new life lessons. It can truly be a challenge to try to blend
and fit two lives into one. Considering those complexities, you may agree our souls integrity is tested, and
sometimes even our sanity!
Frank and I often pray in the morning or at night
before sleeping, or after our occasional, trivial arguments,
and this always propels us safely back to our LOVE center. May you also find Love, Peace and Harmony in your
own Patchwork Family! Take good care of each other.
And remember: as well as being beautiful and perfect
individually, woven together with love and patience you
combine to create a comforting quilt a true piece of
artwork.
In the next chapter I will share with you tips and

85

from BoConcept catalogue

86

How to be
a Happy
Patchwork
Family:
Give all the patches
a fair chance!
More and more, the term Patchwork Family
has come to mean a family in which at least one parent
brings a child from a previous relationship. The Patchwork Family is the fastest growing form of family, worldwide, and as you might expect, putting the patchwork
together successfully can sometimes prove a delicate
process. They are in need of support and encouragement,
and great tools, from a House-Coach!
Creating a Sanctuary of Love, Peace and Harmony: Once you have finished moving yourself and all
your belongings into the new common home, its wonderful it is everything youve been dreaming of! You
are finally part of a family again. In the first months your
relationship consists of passion, fun, joy. You feel so alive
and everything feels easy. Its like sailing, with all the bliss
and challenges of finding balance on a rolling sea.
For me personally, there was an unforeseen issue which

held both negative and positive repercussions. I could

no longer run home to my own place when we argued.
My words would fail me and tears threatened to give me
away as soft. I had to stay in the midst of the war zone,
and being a highly sensitive person I found it very difficult. In fact it was awful. But I finally grew up. I learned
from it, as I created our little Sanctuary in the bedroom
and used it to calm down through meditation and sleep.
All parents, but particularly Patchwork Parents, need to
have a Sanctuary in their home to stay sane.
The problems of everyday life will come sneaking
up on you as the passion and romance recede a little.
And at that time you need to be ready. Remember the
words of the stewardess on the plane: Always put on the
oxygen mask yourself before helping your children. This
works too in a new Patchwork Home. Begin with your
new bedroom and create oxygen for your souls.

87

 www.TheHomeFactory.dk.
This couple has a very special
touch for interior design and
they love traveling to Thailand: It
shows in their home and in their
lives. They use this Sanctuary to
find peace alone and together
when the world outside home
has taken up too much of their
Love, Peace and Harmony energy. And it works like a charm!
It is just like having a cell phone
charger We all know how important that is!

Heres an idea: copy a favorite hotel or Bed & Breakfast room or copy what you can agree on from making
your Love-Hate Vision Board. Surround yourself with a
few beloved items from your former home 40 + 40 + 20
(for the How To on this, see the Our Story chapter
and the Tool box at the end of the book). Always create
a Happy Wall! You can make a collage of photos and love
notes framed on the bedroom wall opposite or above the bed, to remind you both why you hang in through this
process on the not-so-fun days!
Take turns using the bedroom/sanctuary. Rest,
meditate to music, or pray for help and guidance. Light a
tea light candle on a shelf, as if creating a mini-altar.
Read a good book to keep your mind off the world
outside this room.
Dont ever argue in this room. Instead, go for a walk
or a run, when you need to let out your frustrations. Only
enter the Sanctuary to reconcile and rest, when youre at
peace again. The energy of Love, Peace and Harmony you
infuse into this room will be a vital part of sustaining you
as a loving couple and keeping sane individuals sane! It is
the oxygen on which everyone in the house depends.

88

The new common nest and how to live the best

life in it:
The rooms look odd at first. Now, this process
requires a type of Camp David Accord on the highest
level (for more information see the chapter Young-Love
Nest: Boy Meets Girl). All the countries (in this case the
adults and children) want part of the same territory and
need to put their heart into it and feel safe again. Moving is hard on everyone and it takes time for the soul to
find rest. The longer the process, the more homesick and
fragile you all become. Your love life changes, your childrens lives change radically, your parent roles change,
your home-life changes... Who wouldnt feel emotionally
stripped after a while and need a place to rest and recuperate?
When it comes to finding the underlying interests of everyone in a new home, I have found it very
important to display a sign which asks: Who lives
here? at the entrance. This is actually more of a statement than for decoration.

Martha Beck, in her book Finding Your Way

in a Wild New World, presents the metaphor of hot
tracks. We can find the way back to our true selves
(homes) by following hot tracks similar to those an
animal leaves behind. I found my way home by following the hot tracks of love, peace and joy. When you
feel something in your gut, you go in the direction it
points. The same applies if you are an LAT (Living
Apart Together); when you see pictures of yourself or
your kids in the home you dont live in, but visit often,
they act as hot tracks. We are part of this family, the
images say, and you feel more at home, more comfor-

ted that you are following the hot track to the trail of
your right life.

Hallway: Who lives here? Show hot tracks in images on the

walls mixed with a small shelf displaying personal memories
(these are shoe cabinets). Your welcome to home should be a
lovely entry, not an attack on your emotional peace of mind.
Avoid clutter from school bags, sports bags, toys, work and excessive amount of clothes hanging from hooks. Avoid tons of
shoes on the floor. Build in storage behind sliding mirror doors.
We survived in our home of four or five people by keeping near
only what we needed for that season. The rest was tucked away
in old suitcases in a basement storage room.

89

Patchwork Parent challenges:

Im sure you will agree it would be cruel to give

an unsolvable puzzle to a math professor. He might try
for many years to solve it, being driven by the will to
succeed. It may be the same with Patchwork Parenting!
I wish I'd known what I know now; it would have set us
all free from guilt and would have more quickly ended
many silent cold war moments. It's an illusion that you
can love and be loved by someone you haven't chosen
or known all your life, but with whom youll have to live
every other week or weekend. You never have time to
tune into or bond with this person, but are always trying
to be nice to each other, because happy faces are required!
A Patchwork Parent usually has trouble with the
little prince and princesses" of the opposite parent
there is just so much competition for love and attention.
Pointing out their sometimes spoiled and manipulative

90

behavior often turns into nasty fights, where your partner brings up all the faults of your own children, who
were not even involved this time! I know this the hard
way, trust me.
In the beginning it feels like two very different jigsaw puzzles: one with all green grass and one with all
blue sea and bits of houses and boats. Nothing seems to
fit; there is just no satisfying click from finding the perfect match. You know straight away when you have to
press hard, or try to force that jigsaw piece into an almost
fit... you sigh, put it down and hunt for another. STOP!
Play another game, drop the struggle for a perfect outcome, and create a new art work of the mismatch like
a quilt! At first glance all the different pieces of cloth do
not fit well together. But when it all is pieced together
by a creative mind, it looks appealing and even creates
patterns you didnt see before.

Author unknown

I didn't give you the gift of life,

But in my heart I know.
The love I feel is deep and real,
As if it had been so.
For us to have each other Is like a
dream come true!
No, I didn't give you the gift of life,
Life gave me the gift of you.
91

Living Apart Together, LAT

The challenges of two homes.

Love goes where attention flows. Where there is

neglect in a relationship or marriage, people can leap
into a new affair or relationship in a moment of passion.
And pay the consequences later. I call this the Company Christmas Party Syndrome: temptation fuelled by
loneliness, laughter and wine! Now, Im not saying every
LAT relationship begins with adultery, but certainly
plenty do. It just happens; neither was paying attention.
Although married to someone else, they fell in love at
work, at the fitness centre, or wherever. You know the
drill.
Then when it becomes impossible to resist or
live any longer with the lies and the longing, they fess
up' to their original partners. And their home life falls
to pieces. Whether leaving voluntarily or thrown out,
they both need to find a small Temporary Home. The
new lovers always hope one day soon to find a new
common home of their own with your kids and my
kids and maybe even have our kids.
Here are the new love logistics: If either or both
of the lovers have children, the new single parents often
alternate weekends or weeks. For example, they spend
every other weekend with their kids and the alternate
weekends with their new love. That is of course, IF they

92

can get their Exes to coordinate accordingly. This is Hell

on Earth and can involve a high level of warfare if the Ex
is hurt or angry. Often the case.
Next phase: Let's say a year goes by like this: You
have two Christmas Eves, one for real and the other a
fake, because usually you take turns having the kids
for Christmas and other holidays. The new Patchwork
Family has spent a short vacation together and the kids
have been introduced to Bonus-Grandparents and Bonus-Siblings.
The love affair is still hot; the long days apart fire
up intensity for every other weekend. But restlessness
inevitably sets in as they both live in half-finished, temporary homes. They get tired of packing and looking in
the fridge trying to figure out what to bring and what to
throw out in advance. Tired of living out of a duffel bag.
This is the high cost of a new love affair. Losing
the comfort of the former home is hard, but nothing
like the longing of a parent to be with his kids on an
everyday basis. Keeping up the heat in any relationship
is a challenge, but in the case of LATs its even worse!
They suffer from homesickness; they cant seem to settle
in. The place they are living just does not feel like home.
Having a "Love Sanctuary" in the bedroom can save your
(home) life on some challenging days!

They feel like they are in a vacuum a Home Vacuum!

Millions all over the world feel this way right now.
They may have been unhappy in their former relationship for years, sometimes, and choosing this step has
been very hard for them, knowing the ramifications of
the decision and the consequences to everyone around
them. But their partner may have been very hard to live
with, or the two may have been very badly suited.
Are you a homesick LAT? Or know and love
someone who is? Well, I can certainly help ease the
pain and find solutions that work as well as possible.
As a House-Coach for Patchwork Families, living together or apart, I can tell you this homesickness is very
delicate and needs some thought wiggling.

Here's a House-Coaching
help summary:

A love sanctuary in each home: As mentioned above,

use the bedroom at each home to create a Love Sanctuary to be re-infused with good vibrations at any time.
Create a Happy Wall visible from the bed, to remind
you both WHY you are together. In each home make
the best of what you have, and buy new things together
such as furniture and accessories from travels: Use
color tones you both like and make a Love-Hate Vision
Board to make it clear what you can agree on.
In your new home, show in your hallway Who Are
We, and if LAT then in both homes! Leave a hot track

to remind you every day.

Set dates (and keep them) to go on romantic getaways
and agree always to leave all home/life troubles behind.
Create a Pathfinder Vision Board setting the GPS coordinates for your Ideal Life. First do this individually
and then create a compromise together. Include action
steps. This is to give you direction and focus in the
midst of a Temporary Life.
Talk to kids about your plans and include their Ideal
Life, whenever possible.
Make the kids rooms personal to them, even if it's only
80 nights a year.
Find some money to make your Temporary Life and
Temporary Home the best it can be. I know it's expensive, keeping up with two homes. But if you look
forward to how you want your future home to look,
you can work towards it by creating bits of it now, in
this temporary home. Accordingly to this plan you can
decorate separately, surrounding yourself with lovely
furniture and accessories that are part of the combined
future picture with Love, Peace & Harmony!
You never know how long temporary will be, but we do
know:

Finding home
for now is a
miracle, and to
seek home is
to have found
home, for now.
Now is all we
have and love is
what home is.

For inspiration on interior design ideas and happy images to

print for your Happy Wall: go to www.pinterest.com - remember
to set the alarm or you'll be lost for hours!

93

94

Welcome
Home

95

I 0121

William Dempster Hoard

Happiness doesn't depend

on what we have, but it does
depend on how we feel toward
what we have.
We can be happy with little and
miserable with much.
96

The Guardians
of Things
You have all heard of hoarders; I call them the
Guardians of Things. Or you may wonder deep inside if
you are one. Do you save things, finding it hard to throw
them away? Do you have piles of stuff you rarely look
through in your home, in your garage, your attic or your
basement? You feel sure this stuff has value and you cant
get rid of it? Yet I bet months or even years go by and you
do not use any of it.
House-Coaching is very helpful for the Guardians
of Things, the hoarders. And many of us are, to some
degree! We may be addicted shopaholics or collectors
of things that are fixes for memories. I have met S, M,
L to XL to XXXL over the years and they (we) share
the same traits. Sometimes the more extreme cases of
hoarding do need a psychotherapist or psychologist, but
many simply need to understand what they are doing, in
order to release this behavior.
Understanding the concept of Guardian of Things
begins by uncovering the persons feelings behind all

those potential treasures in their garage, basement or

living room. Those with powerful feelings behind the
potential treasures are always looking for Love, Peace
and Harmony. They are often intelligent, well-educated,
creative people who see potential joy everywhere:
teachers, librarians, and others in public service work,
where "filing and saving" is important. These are the
Registration Guardians of Things, and it shows all over
their home. Sometimes they stuff things on their computer too, saving every e-mail they have ever received.
A friend of mine has appointed herself to the position
of Family Registrar of her family, keeping track of old
family photos, exam papers, jugs and fishing poles, etc.
This, she explains, is so she will never forget her origin.
Why? For whom? No one including herself really knows
why, but my hunch is she'd rather live in the past than
the present.
The Collecting Guardians of Things are extreme
hoarders, e.g., they will hold on to 5,000 different (very

97

important!) cans or pens or lighters. You may shake your

head, but they're just old-fashioned hunters who get a fix
for every trophy they can mount and display. This can
become an obsession true compulsive behavior and
it's not so much fun after a couple of years; their homes
and lives suffer. True addicts are driven by a sick soul
and I can't help them. I refer them to specialists and pray
for them and their co-dependent family members. The
(Obsessive Compulsive Foundation is a good resource.)
The Fix & Repair Guardians of Things are hoarders
who, for the most part, seek fast money and a fix like a
junkie. These men or women at one time found a seemingly worthless object, fixed it, and sold it at a profit.
And oh, my, the kick of adrenalin and the boost to their
broken ego can morph them into addicts for life! Although they seldom are able to pull this off twice, they
collect and store everything everywhere and believe "one
day soon my life will be so different." This form of hoarding is in reality "permission to play."

98

The female version saves cabinets full of useless

Tupperware bowls; a lid has been lost years ago and they
hold on to the hope they will find a lost lid somewhere
in the home or at a yard sale. Or she may store fabrics for
quilts, teabag paper covers for art pieces (in Scandinavia)
or broken bowls she can glue together. The headline
here is: Too Good to Throw Away. My mom is one; her
excuse is she was a teenager at the times of WWII and
nothing would be thrown away. History can repeat itself:
this decade of financial decline has provoked millions to
become Fix & Repair Guardians of Things.
The Emotionally Starved Guardians of Things and
the Poor Guardians of Things will never get to the bottom of their mess by themselves, because they simply
can't see the volume of it! To them it looks different than
it does to us. Nowadays these people are the subject of
TV reality shows all over Europe and USA and famous
experts try to help them in various ways. If they don't understand why they hoard, their lives and homes becomes
like the running sushi I mentioned earlier. (Japanese
restaurants often have platters of sushi turning for the
view of the customer. A few pieces are taken off, a few
are added back on, and it never runs dry!) This analogy
works well for these types of hoarders. Small things go
in and small things go out; they believe they are sorting, all the time, but in reality nothing changes. Items
of all kinds add value to their broken egos, and they
need years of therapy to start loving themselves, to get
clean from their dirty pain. This is the term coined
by Steven Hayes, the noted psychologist and founder of
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) for those
painful stories we tell ourselves, those that are rooted in
our minds, in our imaginations. Often they carry great
shame and I long to set them all free! Then they can take
pride in overcoming the obstacle, and go on to become
the Angels that help other hoarders. Pay It Forward!
Then there are the Shabby Chic Guardians of
Things, those who were born in the wrong time and
place, e.g., those who feel more at home in France 50
years ago than in Kolding or Connecticut today... Yes,
I bear those genes too. So does my dear friend Lydia,
whose home is still pink, purple, pale blue and pale green
with Shabby Chic decor all over. This even includes her
husband, sitting on a linen upholstered sofa wearing a
purple linen shirt, drinking coffee out of a worn flower
cup. :-) (Love you!).
At my talks I stand with my hand across my heart
and say: My name is Kirsten and I am an anonymous
Guardian of Things. I haven't bought any Shabby Shit
item or been to any flea market for five years." They laugh

with me, not at me! What the hell is the comfort and joy
from an old broken jug? It is not the jug. It is France, it is
the lovely holidays, it is the memory of where I bought
them. They become members of my family. It is the romantic sensation and feeling one gets from a beloved old
movie, it is the illusion that life was better then. We were
not as busy, not as rushed, we did not have to overcome
so much at work, but could nest in peace. Eternal romantics are always potential Guardians of Things these
hoarders sometimes decide to run a B & B to cram in as
much as possible in every available room of their home. I
have been cured. To see how, read the My Story chapter;
I used the 7-3 Downsizing tool and woke up to reality!
So, are youre a Guardian of Things, one of these
types of hoarder? Or do you know someone you think
is? Where to begin, where to get help? In the USA there
is a foundation called NAPO, The National Association
of Professional Organizers. (Google it in your own
country). Hoarders has now become the internationally accepted term for being disorganized and clinging
to what you believe is important stuff. There is also the
website of Office Hoarders, where colleges take photos
of their hoarding coworkers. Also, check out Dave Al-

Too good to throw out is the mantra of a Guardian of Things.

This guy may have started out as a treasure hunter and found
something he considered valuable! He earned money on other
people's trash. The adrenalin kick he got out of that has turned
him into a junk addict. You may think this hoarding stuff is insane, and to a certain degree you are right. I know this has
nothing to do with collecting "ball pen art" or "fixing things" (like
the broken telescope or the exercise bike), this has to do with
potential joy and recognition/love. Helping this man go back in
time to find where he was broken will show the path to letting
go and living a more balanced life. Sometimes this takes deep
counseling or psychotherapy.
len and his Getting Things Done site, which has saved
many lives. There are many brilliant resources out there.
And the tools I use may help. I have worked with many
so-called disorganized people in my career as an interior designer and later as a House-Coach, in person
and via Skype worldwide. I am going to share the stories
of a few small and medium-sized Guardians of Things
so you can see how House-Coaching helped them understand what they were doing. And overcome it. And
move on to find their new life!

99

Guardian of Things

Work Space Chaos: Susan's Story:

Look at this office. What do you think it's like to
come in here every morning, turn on the computer and
see a cluttered monitor background and an overwhelming inbox, with 100-300 to-do-mails? How do you find
anything? The bulletin board is meant to be used as a
reminder system in your work life. But when it looks like
this, chaos has descended. The desk is in the same situation.
So, what happened here? Susan used to be a successful kitchen-sales person, doing very well in a time when
people stood in line to buy kitchens. A perfectionist, it was
hard to find anyone as dedicated to work as she was. She
managed to be promoted to manager of the store even while
handling the demands of two kids and struggling with a
rocky marriage. She admitted to being touchy and sensitive
at home because she was so overwhelmed by the weight of
everything in her life. And she wasnt sleeping well. She told
me she never found the needed time and focus to be able to
finish promised offers, calls, or email. She just couldnt bring
herself to say, I really wish I could help you, but I'm sorry,
it's not possible for the moment. She did not dare. But she
longed to hang a sign on her office door which proclaimed
Closed due to overwhelming work tasks.

100

She hired me to decorate her store, but when I saw her office, I really wanted to help her find a balanced life. Generally, when people are no longer working out of joy and pride
but out of fear and stress, it can look rather disorganized.
But, oh my God, this office was way beyond disorder, this
was cliffhanging!
I decided on a bold shot: I sat down with her over coffee and told her about my years of burn-out. I told her of my
divorce, the sickness, and the hell I went through. I predicted
she might be on that descending path, and begged her to let
me help her. To my surprise she agreed.
Soon after this she took two days of holiday so I
could dive in. So, where to start? In TV shows like Extreme
Makeover I always find myself wondering what they do
with the old stuff with all that old clutter! No one seems
to care once the bus has moved on, so I thought I'd do the
same. I tried out the Ostrich-Tool for the first time it was
fabulous! I came in the morning, occupied her office, took
down everything on the board, and packed it in one folder
writing Board on it. Then I took everything from her desk
yes, writing Desk on it. Then each drawer, and each shelf,
putting all the contents in moving boxes and stacking them
against one wall in a storage room. Voila: one day's work.

Then the next day I cleaned the office, bought new

flowers and joy-filled accessories, and hung photos of her
beloved family and inspirational quotes about what life is
really about: Love, Peace and Harmony. This is a type of
Feng Shui and intuitively it has the same origin: clearing the space for new energy to pour in. This creates a
more peaceful place from which to cope with challenges.
But when Susan came back in to work, she was
stunned. Terrified. And she could have killed me on the
spot! I had created the horror of her worst nightmares.
Where were all her notes and papers and how was she going
to find anything? It was a shock to her, and normally I would
prepare a person for this harsh treatment. But this stressed
woman couldn't have coped with the option of agreeing or
disagreeing with my procedure. I knew she'd refuse, so in
order to help her, I just gambled, took charge, and made the
decision toabruptly take away what she couldn't let go of,
wouldnt let go of.
This is how a friend of mine dealt with her four-yearold who would not give up her pacifier. The mother hurled
it one day into the burning fire of the living room stove,
muttering, She may miss it for a minute, but shell get over
it. She had seen other parents trying to manipulate their
children for years into giving their pacifier to Santa Claus
or in some other fashion being persuaded to part with it.
My friends way worked. After a bit of initial shock and loss,
the little four-year-old forgot about it, never asked about it
again! Call it tough love or being cruel to be kind. But it
works, and sometimes, whether dealing with a grown-up or
a child, this is what you have to do.
I sat down with Susan in this newly clean office
and explained that this room was now like a cell phone
charger; it now gave her energy, instead of sapping her
strength. I assured her we were going to sort through all
the notes and papers and mail that she was afraid had
vanished, and that with a good system, everything would
work much more efficiently. And I explained that she
needed help to say No to others and Yes to herself, if she
wanted to survive her future.
We opened her computer, printed out every single
mail in the To Do folder, went to the storage and took the
first box, entitled Desk and made four paper piles. Then
we made an old-fashioned spreadsheet-style To Do list. At
the end of the day, we put only this list on the bulletin board.
Like the tool Get the Damn Things Done (see more in the
chapter Boy, Girl, Plus Baby and the Tool box at the end
of the book) we added a column following the task, naming who could help with what and when. There's always a
way out of hell if you ask for help! Almost everything in the

overflowing drawers was in the To Read category, such as

articles she was interested in.
Many smart women in business are Information
Guardians of Things, and many life coach trainees are SelfHelp Article Guardians. (I fit in that category; I save articles on my computer from Oprah, Martha Beck, etc. and
never get around to reading them). Over time, Susan had
collected so many wonderful articles that the drawers of
the desk were jam-packed. I knew if she hadn't found the
time to read them yet (some were over a year old) she just
wasnt going to! They were not urgent, not essential for her
quality of life right now. So we kept some, but a great many
went in the trash! Was there fear lurking behind this habit
of Susans? Absolutely. Self-doubt made her keep articles as
a creative deposit, so she could copy those ideas if and when
she hit a mental blank working with a future client. What a
limiting thought! But it haunted her.
Stephen Covey presented a very helpful system of
organization in his renowned book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. This involves separating items into four categories: urgent and important, not urgent and important,
urgent and not important, and not urgent and not important. We dealt with the papers in Susans cabinet in much
the same way. They were mostly documentation of her
successes from the past: emails with congratulations on her
promotion, thank yous from her clients, etc. Here was fear
again; she never truly believed she'd be good enough to become the manager of the store, so she needed proof. Once
she understood this, we planted in her mind this mantra: "I
deserve this job because I am damn good. I'll continue to be
creative, I was born to be creative, I never need to copy or
keep proofs of my past successes." Then she could let go of
piles of paper with a smile!
And I can still hear her huge sigh of relief... a letting
go. Like giving birth and handing the baby to the nurse.
What was left? Books she liked, the potential joy of
the best of her To Read articles, and the list of To Dos on the
bulletin board where she could physically cross things off,
something you cannot do in a computer document. Deleting a line on the computer does not give you a kick, while
checking one off with a pen and a flourish brings relief and
a brighter outlook!
In turtle steps Susan recovered and has completely
forgiven me for kicking her in the gut with my Let's pretend it's a clean office, ostrich kind of office-coaching for
small hoarders. Google images of organized offices and
see all the inspiration you can get including the work of
Peter Walch!

101

Making the place you work into a place you love is easy.
What makes you happy? What makes you creative? What
makes you feel energized? Surround yourself with the answers.
Find inspirational quotes, images of mentors, love notes and
visible proof of I was born to do this! It is guaranteed to make
your work better and have a balanced work/private life.

FROM BOCONCEPT'S CATALOGUE

102

How Guardian of Things can let go of

their past and trust in a bright future:

Home Office and Life Chaos:

Christine's Story:

I first met Christine when enquiring among

friends and family for a good web designer. My brother
had met her and highly recommended her work. He
also shared with me that when he visited her home,
he thought, "Oh, if only Kirsten could come here and
help." So, it seemed a perfect match; we could exchange
services as well.
We arranged a time for me to visit her in her
little cottage in a small town by the sea. Walking up the
front path I was jumped on by Christines two dogs: a
huge black-haired male Newfoundland and a smaller
female sheep dog. They were both beside themselves
with excitement, barking continuously. Christine
hollered at them to keep quiet, as most of us do, with
no real effect! I liked her immediately: her lovely eyes,
her kind spirit, and the glow and aura of love I could
see around her.
Inside the cottage, though, I was hit by the smell
of dogs and cigarettes, and found it a little hard to
breathe in that atmosphere. I asked her to show me
her home and tell me the areas that bothered her, the
areas she felt needed help. She guided me around in a
little house-tour, making excuses the whole time. She
was trying to explain why the floor, the sofas well
everything, really was covered in dog hair. She liked
her belongings, her beautiful objects of art, paintings, and many books. There were heart-shaped items,
angels, antique puppet-theater, all dying to be liberated from dust, looked at and loved again. Just like
Christine.
She confessed she had been fighting financial and
work-related problems for some time, and it was necessary for her to focus on just surviving. Therefore, she
reasoned, she had little energy left over for homemaking. I fully understood; I had been there myself. She herself did not look very healthy; her skin was grey from
smoking and her hair was thin and colorless. She confessed she had reluctantly let go of her usual pride in her
appearance, and this was visible in her home, too. In fact,
only the dogs looked great, because they got all the love
and attention!

Dust covered everything, and the cigarette

smoke had permeated the furniture and even dulled
the walls and furnishings. On an old desk lived her
MAC computers and right next to them was an ashtray filled with cigarette butts. Her spare bedroom was
a storage facility: heaping towers of cardboard boxes
piled up against one wall, and stacks of clothes piled
up on a small table, looking like they might topple to
the floor at any moment. Framed pictures were stacked
against a wall. Because she lived in this environment
every day, I knew she really didnt smell or see the
problems. She was desensitized. I have learned that
for the mind to survive it just shuts down. Guardians
of Things, from the lightest to the most severe cases,
rarely see the mess. They believe it is just the way it
is, they are doing the best they can, and nothing can
change it.
We sat down over a coffee to chat. I could sense
she felt safe with me. So I touched her arm gently,
and braved a pretty direct question: "Tell me what
happened? How did you, with your education, with intellectual books, antiques and art pieces, end up here,
like this? Her eyes filled with tears, but she knew I
wanted to help her, that I was not sitting in judgment.
She began to relay her story, filled with all of its "dirty
pain." So this was her interpretation of the life she
had lived, strongly influenced and colored by her own
emotional pain. Sometimes we need help to see it from
another persons point of view.
Christine had owned a successful commercial
agency and enjoyed the distinction of being one of
the first web designers in the country. This successful past included a lovely house near Copenhagen and
wonderful parents and friends. She looked great and
possessed a wealth of style, talent, and self-confidence.
Looking for love, she met and married a charming
man who lived on the other side of the country. The
thrilling magnet of home and family prompted her to
leave the house she loved and the successful life she
knew, to leap into this adventure. They moved into a
lovely house near the sea and at the start, it was all

103

After

blissful.
Then everything went wrong. I will spare you with
the details, but in the end she lost everything, including
her health. When they divorced, she took the rest of her
savings and bought the little cottage, where I met her,
retreating even further into "Nowhere Land." Not unlike
a wounded animal, she hid, with just her two dogs for
company. She desperately needed to try to heal from her
mental wounds and physical health issues, the result of
prolonged stress and misery.
Unfortunately, she had hooked up with a small
advertising company who paid her late, and poorly. She
bravely refused to abandon the independent life style
her own company afforded her and the sense of freedom it gave her. And of course there was the benefit of
working from home with the dogs.
As we talked, I asked her to share with me her
thoughts and beliefs around the biggest issue: her
money problems. As it turned out (and this is true for
many of us) the two big stumbling blocks were fear and
shame.
What drives these emotions that plague us?
Truth is, we all have a nasty little voice inside us, which

104

Before

stems from our reptilian brain. The reptilian brain is

described best as the emotional brain, by Dr. Jill Bolte
Taylor, in her book, My Stroke of Insight. For our pure
survival, this part of our brain is vital and has served us
since mankinds cave-dwelling days. It looks for dangers
everywhere and pumps out the fight or flight response.

However, in our modern world where we are not often

chased by tigers, the reptilian brain continues to find
or even create things to worry about: our kids, the economy, the mortgage, promotion, etc. So it is important that we learn to notice our thoughts, and stop them
cold when they are generated by unreasonable fears. We
can free ourselves from this pressure.
Inspired by Martha Becks concept of the Inner
Lizard, in her book, Steering by Starlight, I began to
take notice the fears generated by my own version of
this, which I call the 3-F Voice, the 3 Fs for FightFlight-Freeze!" For that is what happens; those terrifying thoughts are not from our own mind, but from the
voice that drives us to either fight, flight, or to freeze.
Christine, too, I explained, was listening to her
3-F Voice. I asked if she would be willing to recognize
it, tell me what animal it is, name it, and then try to
mentally calm it down. And never again be intimidated
by its fear-mongering.
Christine laughed at the idea but agreed to play along.
"Well, when I close my eyes and listen, I see a long,
slithering snake with tiny eyes and I hear a small,
squeaky voice. But she can also roar, I realize. I think
her name is Susie.
Ok, good, I exclaimed. Then I suggested she grab
her pad and jot down Susie's 3-F Fears. Christine chewed
on her lip for a moment while she thought about this,
then she started to write. Turned out, Christine's main
fears were all very similar to mine and to those of other
clients. And probably to yours, too! So, I suggest you call
upon your own 3-F Voice, name him or her, then write
your own list of fears. It is very enlightening!

What scares me the

most to lose?
What am I afraid of
becoming or not
becoming?
Here are the two key questions to remember:
I felt Christines fears as I knew it from my own
life, when I was a poor single mother. And I knew the
similarities from coaching other single middle-aged
Guardians of Things over the years. Many of them expressed amazing creativity and ability to love (but sadly
this is often with regard to pets and the "wrong men").
Many shared faith in Angels, God, or New Age religions.

Here are the top 10 fears

most commonly heard
from the 3-F Voice,
in random order:
1) Fear of losing your loved ones.
2) Fear of never having enough money, always
being in debt and depending on charity
from others. This includes shame and guilt
from what you see as your poor handling
of money, with the subsequent fear, "It will
never change."
3) Fear of losing your home.
4) Fear of never getting over the past hurt of
being different," the feeling that you are
an outsider in the family, or in the social
group at school or at work. You may be
scared your low self-esteem will drive you
all your life.
5) Fear of parents or ex-husbands predictions
coming true: "You will never amount to
anything," "you'll never find work," "you'll
always be fat," etc. You may fear you will be
controlled forever by a defensive determination to prove them wrong.
6) Fear of never having peace of mind, fear of
always living a stressful life.
7) Fear that God is only in our imagination.
Fear there is no grace, no love from any
Divine figure, no hope, no heaven, no Nirvana!
8) Fear of dying from cancer, heart attack, or
brain tumor, before we are able to live the
lives we dream of.
9) Fear that we will never truly love someone
and no one can ever truly love us, or fear
of compromising: What if the one is right
around the corner? Fear of finally loving
and then losing.
10) Fear of aging, losing our beauty and sex
appeal.

105

Most were overweight, enjoying some kind of stimuli: tobacco, wine or food. And all of them had difficulty sorting, organizing, or giving things away. They all collected
what to them could be potential joy or guilt, but to us just
looks like junk: stacks of paper, heaps of cardboard and
plastic boxes, and piles of unidentifiable items!
Christine was no exception. Learning that she consulted Angel cards (someone had just recently given me
a set by Doreen Virtue), I started there. We did a reading
with the cards which fortunately were all good signs for
her! As I worked with the cards, a perfect example came
to me. I said, "Let me tell you a metaphor story. The Angels just sent it to me for you. She nodded eagerly, leaned
back into her chair and drew on her cigarette. I could
clearly see new hope and a new spark of life in her eyes.
"Close your eyes, please, Christine. Now, imagine
yourself standing at the edge of a beautiful lake on a hot
summer's day. You have always wanted to swim naked
in the water wanted to know how it feels You look
around carefully, sure that no one's nearby, and so you
feel quite safe, even bold. You slip off your clothes, step
into the water and oh, my, it feels just like you dreamed
it would! You swim a few lengths, and then you roll over
on your back and gaze up at the perfect, iridescent, sky
above you. You revel in the feeling of the cool water embrace
I stopped to give Christine a chance to assimilate
this wonderful sensation, then carried on. Then, suddenly your feet are tangled up in seaweed or something
you cant see. Oh, no! What is that? It scares you! It pulls
you down, and now you're fighting not to drown, waving your hands above water You are pulled down again
under the water. You fight your way up again, but there
is that endless pulling at your feet, at your ankles You
are terrified! You are about to give up, when you feel you
have no fight left. Youre exhausted Its hopeless.
I left a beat or two. Just then you spot some
people at the shore standing beside your clothes. They
holler, Swim back! Just swim back! (What they really
mean is, Pull yourself together, damn it!), but they
don't know, they cant know, that you cant though you
desperately want to! I left another short pause, while
Christine reached for a tissue. Even through her closed
eyes I could see a tear creeping through her lashes, and
trickling down her cheek.
I said, You are in this drastic situation because
you dared to try out a new adventure, but it just didn't
turn out the way you hoped. And now you blame yourself you are full of guilt and shame. You say to yourself
over and over, Why on earth did I do that? You dared try

106

something you always wanted to experience: fall in love,

get married, move to another new town. You gambled
your savings And you feel you lost it all. Christine
opened her eyes. She looked stricken.
I touched her arm gently and smiled. Its okay,
Christine, listen. So, now, I am there, with a few other
people, on the other side of the shore, and we have all
experienced the same terrible stuck situation. We all
know that the seaweed is to blame. Life itself is risky. We
all know you need help to get unstuck! We cut away the
seaweed that binds you, bring you safely to shore, and
wrap you in a house-coat All is good, you are safe, you
survived
Christines face was relaxed; she had closed her
eyes again. She looked tired, but there was a peace on her
face that had not been there before. After a few moments,
I continued. Its crunch time, my dear. You can choose:
Either we take you back to where your clothes are, and
you go on where you left off, with your life the way you
lived it. Or you get new clothes here (new insight on your
life's purpose) and I help you walk a new path. Chart a
new course.
Christine looked at me with the beginnings of
hope and determination accompanying the tears in her
eyes. Oh, thank you, she whispered. Then the fear came
back..."Oh, but how? And I can't pay you or buy anything!" I replied, quickly, No problem you can make
my webpage instead. Two new friends helping each other
out!
"We started the "untangling" process in her
home and in her life. Everything needed to come out of
her cottage one room at a time. With a little coaching and new-found confidence, she found the courage
to ask for help. We found local friends who helped us
haul everything out of the living room. We made a cozy
corner in the kitchen and stacked boxes in her garage,
so we could clean the whole room from scratch, empty.
Time for a do over! We arranged for a cousin to help
her strip the floors and varnish them. I got her the paint,
and she took on the huge task of painting everything in
the living room: the ceiling, the walls, the windows and
the stairs to the upper floor all by herself. Touching
the walls with her own hands gave her the feeling of being connected to her home again. This process is vital to
become one with the new you. This is the equivalent of
your new home. And besides, being creative is such good
medicine for the soul.
She had little money for new furniture, so decided
to simply buy new covers for the IKEA sofas and floor
blankets for the dogs. Now this was a major challenge for

her: to set new boundaries for the Newfoundland and

the sheepdog. She took comfort in their company on the
sofa at night, but I suggested it was not good for her to sit
in furniture covered in dog hair. And not so nice for her
future guests either! It's hard for single people without
children; their pets become their children, and in return
they receive the comfort and unconditional love they
long for.
I styled the new living room with her freshly
cleaned art pieces and other beautiful life companions
those memories, those happy memories she had chosen
to keep for life! She made flower bouquets with the roses
from her garden and the living room started to look like
something out of a magazine. It was amazing the effect
this one room had on Christine. It was living proof she
could live beautifully, in a clean and cozy environment

surrounded by love! It provided a nurturing room for her

soul, and once done she found the energy to move on to
the other rooms.
After a break of couple of months, we took on the
small shed in her back yard. It was formerly a garage,
where things could have been stored while continuing the whole house-cleaning. But this building was
completely crowded too, crammed to the rafters with
paraphernalia and detritus of her past business. There
were three once-expensive printers that needed repair.
Realistically, I told her, it was now much cheaper to buy
new ones. She remembered the great expense and held
on to the feeling of being a successful business woman,
which unfortunately created a slightly irrational attachment to these printers. I coached her to let go. How? The
answer lay in her understanding the "why" behind it all.

Using Sticky-Tags to name feelings behind the stuff.

Those who are Guardians of Things have at least three feelings which they attach to their "stuff."
They are:
3) "Painful memories."
1) "It might be worth something.
This is stuff like old tax papers, unpaid
This can be a broken item or some originally
invoices, other kind of papers relating
expensive item. Perhaps it came from a yard
to debt, old love letters from painful
or garage sale, was found in a dumpster or
relationships, clothes from a skinnier
was handed down from friends. (I call this
version of yourself, or pictures of that
Pass the Turkey). You see it as possible cash,
period, when you felt beautiful. But now
possible opportunities, or possible fun. I asked her to put all of this is painful to look at because it all reminds you
pink Sticky-Tags on all these items which matched this of failure. I asked Christine to put blue Sticky-Tags on
feeling state. Stuff marked with pink Sticky-Tags is often items matching this feeling state. Blue is shame and guilt
unsellable, outdated or too broken to be worth repair. from the past, and we don't need that in our bright fuComing to understand, through life coaching, that she ture!
was safe, and that life was still full of Love, Peace and
Through life coaching you can understand that
Harmony finally made Christine able to let go of things just lifting the boxes, carrying them out to the car, dumpshe no longer needed.
ing them in a dumpster and driving home, adds up to the
right thing to do! You will feel lighter, and freer. And on
2) Feel Good Memories.
your way home, you say out loud, I forgive myself I am
These are items which remind you of free of any guilt and shame of my past.
former happy events or people you loved
and were loved by. In Christine's case it
was all of these: her father, her former
successful life and her home. I asked her
to put yellow Sticky-Tags on items matching this feeling state. Yellow stuff (with yellow Sticky-Tags) must
be downsized with the 7-3 Downsizing tool. We're not
erasing memories, just letting go of too many things and
keeping the lovely memories in our heart.

107

Question the thoughts behind the stuff.

In Christine's case, I showed her the photographs
I had taken of her home office and her garage, exposing
all the piles of stuff which surrounded her (suffocated
her!). I told her: "If you let go of all that is broken with the
Pink Sticky-Tags, then let go of all the Blue Sticky-Tags
which represent "bad memories and guilt," and return
the things you are guarding for others Well, then, my
dear, whats left is much easier. All you need to do is sort
through the good memories and what can bring you potential joy. You use the 7-3 Downsizing tool, and you're
good!" She agreed, and we set a date (her birthday!) for
her friends and I to come and help her physically get rid
of things and take them to the city dump.
That Saturday in Easter, her friends and I started
taking all the stuff marked with blue and pink Sticky-Tags
out of Christines shed. She was in charge of coffee and
cake and to be available for sorting questions. We took
charge for her, and that is very important. Someone immovable but still sensitive has to be in charge (you don't
negotiate with a dentist; when a tooth has to go, you have
to trust him or her through the whole painful process).
We stacked a pile of broken printers, other office machinery, broken furniture, old paint, piles of papers, etc.
and emptied the whole shed in six hours. It disappeared
in three trailer-runs. Before we left, Christine went with
me and said "goodbye" and "thank you" to the things that
once had served her well. And she let go of the thought
that there was any potential money, new business opportunities or possible creative fun attached to them.
Postscript: It took us seven months to get through
the whole house. We broke the whole thing down to
turtle steps. During the process, I came once a month
and we kept e-mail contact, to follow up on the tasks she
needed to do. She really did well most of the time; there
were only a few times she was at the brink of giving up. It
is the hardest thing in the world to sort out your life and
"space-clear" a home, while you're drained from work
and struggling to survive at the same time. It truly is.
The ultimate phase was to solve the debt issues, her

108

work situation and the physical state of her body. This

phase was all about losing former pride and self-esteem
and was certainly the most difficult part for Christine. To
own a house and a car were minimum requirements to
her, even if the bank owned both and wanted to take them
away from her! We talked about selling the house, moving back to her own area, where she knew people and had
family. She collected photos of beautiful small houses in
that home area, and I helped her place them on her new
Pathfinder Vision Board. (See the Tool box at the end of
the book). She added images and work ideas of a bright
future, angel cards with positive predictions, and pictures
of how she intended to look at the end of the process. Her
board expressed a world and life full of happiness and
love. She was resetting the GPS for her future life!
She needed to see and believe in the vision of her
new life and to see that this would be so much better than
remaining "hidden away!" She needed to believe again in
a life where she was at home and safe, looking and feeling good, enjoying her work, and being with people she
loved, who loved her in return. She envisioned living a
life replete with travel and enjoying a successful career
helping others be visible in their best way online. Even
in these troubled times her house was sold within six
months.
She moved back to her area of origin, renting a
nice apartment which we decorated into a "Home with
a Heart." She reconnected with old friends, lost weight,
dyed her hair, bought new glasses She looked great! She
still does. Her vision board today feels organic and alive
and is often renewed. She has a new job and still owns
her own company. She's still not quite where she wants
to be, but thank God she's not where she used to be. Now
she knows it's all about enjoying the journey without too
much luggage!
I know behind every so-called tragedy there is always a bigger purpose for our lives. Once we learn to find
solutions for our own lives and believe in our own greatness, we're qualified by life to help others see their own
greatness. And thus we become a blessing to the world!

Every one of us is unique. And our

"stuff" is unique to each of us and
its meaning is very personal. When
you ask yourself the questions in
this chapter and look at YOUR life,
at the clutter in your home, your
office or on your computer, I sincerely hope the truth will set you
free to move on to the life you long
for. The loneliness, homesickness
and brokenness that often lie behind the mess can be healed by
reaching out to yourself with compassion. And to others with an open
mind and heart!

109

 At mid-age I loved reading the book EAT PRAY LOVE and

wanted to follow in the footsteps of Elisabeth Gilbert. So I had
my own palm reading by her mentor, Ketut Liyer, in Bali. (We
found him, not easily, on our honeymoon!) Later we went to Rome
where we ate wonderful meals and enjoyed life. After such indulgence I had to spend a month in India detoxing. It's never too late
to follow a hunch and JUST DO IT when you say: "I wish I could
do like Elisabeth. We did: WISH - PLAN - GO!

110

Young at heart
= YAH
The YAHs make up a large percentage of my clients, and they sure benefit from House-Coaching! In my
experience, they are most apt to be open, ready, and to
willingly grab the concepts and run with them! Perhaps
this is because they understand and long for Life, Peace
and Harmony.
BoConcept and many other furniture stores have
always aimed at the 25 to 35-year-old urban age group
the settlers. But today, the furniture worlds fastest growing clientele worldwide are the ones re-settling in their
lives and in their homes past 45. They have money, they
have time, and they are ready to make any changes necessary to live their lives to the fullest. They refuse to settle
for less in life and continue to follow their lifes passions.
This shows in their homes, in what they wear and in what
they do! They have money and want to spend it on that
which gives them balance, freedom, and fun in life. Great
changes occur at this time: kids leave home, homes are
changed or downsized, new and wonderful dreams are

pursued.
Nowadays we age better and live much longer
than our ancestors did. We hope to combine the enthusiasm of youth with the wisdom of age and experience.
At this stage of life we cry, If only I knew when I was
22 what I know now and had that young strong body!
I could have achieved more and experienced life more
intensely." (Though that is just another limiting thought).
So, although this stage of your lives can be a time of
meltdown, in actual fact there is a golden opportunity to
morph from a caterpillar to a butterfly once again.
Both the men and the women of the Young-at-Heart
(YAH) are wiser and more demanding when it comes to
nesting but keep their playfulness much longer than ever
before. The wise know and appreciate that happiness is not
a state of mind, it is a choice. We decide what we want to get
out of life. We know it is never too late for Tango lessons, to
learn to sail, or to travel all over the world. It is never too late
to buy a holiday home somewhere in another country or

111

in a part of your own country youve always wanted to live.

My dear friend and adopted sister Helga obtained her drivers license for a motorcycle when she
was 50 years old. Her husband has a travel agency, www.
dream-bike.dk (if you check out this website youll enjoy the photo's of YAH living life to their dreams You
can just feel the happiness!). Helga and her husband help
hundreds of happy Young-at-Heart men and women explore countries like the USA, Vietnam, The Baltic's, Germany, Scotland and New Zealand. They have a ball and
the youngsters on these trips are 40-plus.
At my Trend Talks, many of BoConcepts participants are closer to 50 than to 30. And I find I have been
setting an example of what the YAH group is all about!
Many Trend Talk attendees have told me they thought
no one at 50 would launch a whole new career, be as passionate about life as I am and still be interested in fashion
and design. I am always planning new worldwide travels
and I love texting my husband. They figure I must be
younger!
At a recent Trend Talk in the UK there were relatively few couples in their 20s, 30s, and 40s; most were in
their 50s and 60s. This is becoming more and more common! The oldest attendees were a man and woman who
were at least 75. This YAH husband won an Imola Chair
(all attendees at a Trend Talk enter a competition to win
this gorgeous modern chair). How ironic. The whole
urban living concept of BoConcept is aimed at the young
clientele aged 25-35 and was never intended or designed
for the older, Young-at-Heart crowd! Everyone laughed
light heartedly at the BoConcept folks, the winners family, and even the older gentleman. And he laughed too!
One of the points in my talks is with regard to
our longevity: we live longer than we use to. It may not
be 120 years, but we seem to expand time and life itself
from the age of approximately 45 to 65. And we strive
to get more out of every moment. After this particular
talk a mid-aged man approached me. Since he had just
turned 65 (and you couldn't tell whether he was 55 or
65) and still had a lot of plans, he suggested I expand that
age group even further and up a bit! He had calculated
that no matter how long he might live, he would never

112

be able to spend his money. He said this was the biggest

life change for him. Suddenly he wanted to live for more
than accumulating money, he wanted to live in the now
and surround himself with LOVE. He had taken my talk
to heart, and was now committed to making the place
he lived into the place he loved.
His invitation to attend the Trend Talk had been
issued by the YAH owners of the store who thought he'd
be the only old guest that evening. Now he felt comfortable being surrounded by other YAHs. all of whom
were enjoying the timeless design of BoConcept and a
lovely evening. He ended up signing on for a visit by a
BoConcept Interior decorator to maximize his current
home! Who could have known?

The Age of Miracles:

I went to Florida with my husband to begin writing this book. We were surrounded by YAHs in every
town we went. This is the state in America where the
YAHs come to stay/retire and enjoy the warmth of the
sun from fall to spring. And some live there all year.
They love: jogging, golfing, entertaining, shopping and
Yes, nesting, big time. Many have plenty of money! At
mid-age you may have saved, lived prudently to live well
in your senior years, or have made a lot of money from
business. Or maybe you inherited! No matter, how you
came to money in Florida is not important!
On the flip side we also met many of the unfortunate ones that had lost all their savings in the Regression
and drove taxis or worked as waiters. Or there was the
65-year-old cashier woman who held on to her crutches
while packing my suntan lotion at Wal-Mart. We encountered several similar people. As I said to my husband, they only work because they have no other option
to sustain life. In my country that would never happen;
welfare and elder care come from paying enormous taxes
all Danes hate this until we get older and start benefitting from it!
All over the world we have low-scale and upscale
YAHs. The financial level itself is not important to have a
good home and a happy life, in my experience. Attitude
is everything. But I can always spot a persons mood, and

113

Love of
Design
114

Viggo Mlholm, son of one of the founders

of BoConcept, served as its President for many
successful years. Last year, as he turned 60, he
passed the CEO torch of responsibility to a new
leader and is now the Chairman of the Executive
Board of BoConcept Holding A/S.
He and his wife are both Young-at-Heart, as
you can see in their home, which exemplifies the
wonderful Danish coziness we call "hygge." The
cushions, candles, flowers and art pieces tell of
their joy of life! And a elegant sense of timelessness is shown in the design from BoConcept and
other Danish top designer furniture.
No one in their 20s, looking at these photos, would guess that a so called "middle-aged"
couple live here, because YAH are now completely unpredictable in their lifestyle choices and
in their homes. Their fine-tuned skills create the
best of life and it shows in their home!

115

Wonderfull
Copenhagen

116

An American/Danish YAH-couple living in Ame

rica for 40 years had a life long dream of spending
their summers in Denmark. They bought an apartment in Copenhagen and asked me to decorate it as
homy as possible. We met virtually via Face Time,
and I sent collages and sketches to help them visualize their dream. 80% is BoConcept furniture and accessories, 10% are Second Hand Retro Scandinavian
Classics (lamps and ceramics) the rest is IKEA
(poster frames, forrest photo on canvas in bedroom
and guest room cushions). One wall is yellow so you
can see the white color as contrast if all walls were
white it would just be a backdrop not a bright
color.

117

An empty soul-less room can

morph into a soul-restoring room,
once you know the answers to
"What makes you happy?". My clients answered, "playing in the
forest as a child," so we created a
forest retreat.

118

An empty kitchen is transformed into into a warm, welcoming

room. A Danish fishing boat (Retro Poster), a retro lamp "DooWop" (Louis Poulsen) and old milk bottles full of flowers remind
of happy childhood memories.

119

Inhabit Yourself:
Turn on the Lights in Your Rooms.
In Florida I went to Bookstore in the Grove
(BookstoreintheGrove.com) in Miami to enjoy their
famous coffee and cake. I moseyed around happily, seeing which books spoke to me. I always do that; I love to
go into book stores, wander around where my soul tells
me to. I just watch with a soft look and an open heart
to see which new adventure calls to me. Looking for
Martha Beck's books, I discovered they were sold out,
then bam, there it was: The Age of Miracles by Marianne Williamson. I bought it immediately knowing this
would be a heart opener. As a Danish reader I didn't
know her at all, but I remembered the parting words of
my dear friend Connie from Tampa, Florida, where I
had stayed to write. My husband arrived to take me on
a two-week Florida tour in a convertible (very YAH!)
and as we were leaving, Connie called out, I'll send you
a poem by Marianne Williamson. You'll love her! She
did, and it made an impression on me. So I was thrilled
to happen upon this wonderful book.
As I dived into The Age of Miracles, I started folding the corners of pages I wished to remember. Then I
underlined, and highlighted, and then I added StickyTags all through it. I had to read it twice that week!
On our vacation my husband and I read passages and
laughed and discussed the new age of all possibilities.
And it set me free as a mid-aged woman. I loved her way
of describing what happens when our children leave
and we are left alone or with each other. Understanding
and really believing there are still so many opportunities in life changed many of our limiting thoughts about
our own aging.
To quote from her book Once we've realized
that life is not as fabulous in some of the ways we
thought it was, we also realize it's even more fabulous
in ways we could never have known We can forgive
ourselves for the past, that wasn't all it should have
been and commit to a future that is all that it can and
should be now that we've finally grown up You
feel at last like you inhabit yourself. You finally went
into all the rooms, turned the lights on and settled
in.
The new You longs to march into every room and
turn the lights on in your life. You can make it real by
using your current home; you must adopt every single
room of your home all over, and make it yours. This
applies whether you stay in the home where you had
your kids or move to something smaller after the kids

120

have gone. Let it reflect who you really are: your tastes,
your joys, your memories, your colors, your sense of
beauty. Then you connect to it, you are fed by it, and
comforted by it.

Your
home is
truly
You
Adopting your home and life
falling in love once more!
I have many clients in the YAH category. They
are restless and eager to find new Love, Peace and Harmony in their lives. They have moved furniture around
for a couple of years, tried new hairstyles, lost weight,
had affairs or shifted jobs to find new joy in life. You can
probably list many more examples from your life or from
your YAH parents or friends. When some YAH meets on
the golf course or after Zumba classes the conversation
for both men and women is often about selling, moving
or re-building the old home. (Yes, I know you get it by
now: Home equals Me).
I have helped many couples move from a wornout home which no longer fulfills or reflects them, into a
new vibrant apartment or modern home. I recommend
keeping 50% of the former furniture and accessories so
you are not getting rid of everything from the past. After
all, your life up till now has formed you into your new
magnificent being. The next step is to downsize 25%,
which means giving away items with love to someone in
need, and then adding 25% new furniture and accessories. This will create perfect new harmony and yet will still
feel like a safe home sweet home.
Together, the YAH couple and I make an affordable and achievable plan to adopt every single room with
love. This may be because theyve sold the old home and
moved to a new one. Or it may be that we re-create their
old home into something they'd want to buy on the spot!
We use many of the tools from the former chapters
(summarized in the Tool Box at the end of the book):

BEST TOOLS FOR A

"YAH HOME & LIFE"


1. We find the underlying interests. This is the mid-age

second chance to feel part of the Young-Love Nest:

Boy Meets Girl stage! They create Love-Hate Vision Boards using these questions: What makes your
heart sing? and What suffocates you? My goal is to
make them fall in love with their home, themselves,
and each other all over again and to go on to live their
lives to their fullest potential.
2. Then we fill in a Get the Damn Things Done form
(more in the Boy, Girl, Plus Baby chapter) and begin
asking for help. Theyll need volunteer help from their
friends and family and may need to pay some for carpenters and painters, etc., as well.
3. Downsizing Tools: Then they sort every room with
the 7-3 Downsizing tool. (See "My Story" chapter and
the Tool Box at the end of the book).
4. Pathfinder Vision Board: I love the moment when
the light bulb goes off for my clients and they really
understand this huge concept: all rooms in the home
are a metaphor for our inner lives. They finally really
do realize and dare to believe in a new start in life by
creating this collage. It is a heartwarming moment for
me to see their newfound enthusiasm! (In the next
chapter, Pathfinder Vision Board you will find a full
description of this tool).
Just as Feng Shui dictates, these lovely, newly
adopted rooms will give its residents energy in return.
The desired life changes will happen simultaneously by
divine intervention: We adopt ourselves and each other
with love and acceptance; authentic boy meets authentic
girl and they either fall in love again or they can let go of
a relationship that has fulfilled its divine purpose. Letting go, from a sense of peace, makes room for new love
and opens the door to friendship between old lovers. It is
then much easier for children, family and friends to deal
with. When we fulfill the divine law of love: Love thy
neighbor as thyself (thyself is thy home!) we receive
love and grace in return.

121

Martha Beck: Life Coach

If your life is cloudy and

you're far, far off course,
you may have to go on faith
for a while, but eventually
you'll learn that every time
you trust your internal navigation system, you end up
closer to your right life.
122

Pathfinder
Vision Board
A Pathfinder Vision Board can act as a compass
and continual reminder to help you walk away from past
pain and create a new life filled with true happiness.
From more than 20 years of coaching and decorating homes, I know that most of my clients focus their
entire adult lives on creating "success," in both their work
status and their private homes. They strive to own a beautifully designed house, expensive furniture and art, and of
course to create the perfect family. Naturally, the rest of
us, viewing them from the outside, believe they must be
happy and often set out to copy their life styles!
They look successful, they seem happy and often
they are. But working behind the scenes of countless
homes, I witnessed these same people lose their jobs, their
homes and sometimes their family. And I learned without

doubt the only way back to true happiness is living with

people we love around us, in surroundings that embody
or reflect love and peace, and remaining in harmony with
life's own rhythm. An authentic life filled with Love, Peace
and Harmony!
The first step in this process is to identify and write
down experiences and memories by noticing and acknowledging the feelings in your body and soul, NOT the
thoughts from your mind. I will give you an example of
how it works for me. When I remember painful situations
in my life, those memories cause a negative feeling in my
body, and are graded between 0 to -10. The positive responses I feel in my body and soul remembering happy
events in my life are marked in increasing fashion, from
0 to +10.

123

The negative spiral: Going from 0 to -10

0 would be an ordinary, forgettable day: Grey cloudy

weather, no body pain, my appearance is as usual,

leftovers in the fridge for lunch. Id answer e-mails all day
long, procrastinating urgent work in a new creative way.
Id eat dinner with very little conversation with my family, watch a movie I'd seen three times before and go to
bed after kissing my tired husband on the chin.

-2

would be a forgettable day too, only a bit worse:

Maybe a toothache from a cavity, muscle pain in the neck
from bad posture, no good leftovers in the fridge, just
some mashed, tired salad. Incoming e-mails about bills I
would need to take care of, my husband tired after work,
no conversation at dinner, nothing on TV, hed fall asleep
on the sofa, and finally Id walk the dog in the rain at
midnight!

-4 would be a memorable day, or time in my life, where

I would feel really bad. Maybe we would wake up and

continue a late night discussion about "fairness" (we both
know there is no such thing!) on topics like domestic
work, money issues or family issues. I might oversleep,
not hear the alarm clock and then be late for an important meeting! This would be a day of stress and worry, the
kind you would want to tell a good friend or your Life
Coach about, if they asked, "How are you feeling today?"

-6

would be a very memorable day, or time in my life,

where I would feel SO bad that I had to tell someone. I
would tell my best friend, my Life Coach! Maybe Id find
out my husband was having an affair, or my largest client
who owed me six months of fees would declare bankruptcy! Or my son could tell me he wanted to drop out
of college to become a professional computer gamer. My
MAC could break down, with 80% of my new book in
it, no backup, and Id be unable to restore any of eight
months work.

-8 would be a truly terrible day or time of my life, where

I would react from the fight-or-flight response. I would

need help from my family and best friends just to keep
me breathing and living from moment to moment. This
happened recently when my dear son was diagnosed with
a brain tumor and it turned out to be cancer. My closest
family and dearest friends were my closest allies during
those hard times, on days of panic and deep sorrow.

-10

I would learn I was dying, or I would have to let go

of loved ones before I was ready. This is the worst thing
you can imagine in life: the painful death of losing life or
love; it could only be worse if you have no faith at all in
God or an afterlife.

This tool is inspired by Martha Beck's "Body Compass" tool

124

Now I'll share the positive:

You need to move back to the 0 setting in your
mind, so shake your body as you let go of the past and all
fears. Breathe deeply. When you're calm again, move on to
the wonderful part: the "Happy Positive Climb" is ahead!

+2 would be a forgettable but nice day. The sun would

come out, my husband and I would wake up to find we

are wrapped around each other in a sweet place of comfort and love. I'd have a "good hair day" and put on a nice
dress. I would shop and buy new shoes. Id walk in nature
with my happy chocolate retriever, and would notice the
roses in the garden and the butterflies. Id get something
done at work and we would have my dear 86-year-old
mother over for dinner, play cards or watch a funny movie
in the evening.

+4

would be a memorable day or time in my life: I

would wake up feeling in love and happy, maybe with my
husband in some great B&B in Key West or the South of
France. I'd get some sun, write all day, we'd make beautiful
love in the afternoon, and enjoy great food and wine in
the evening. Then wed lie in bed watching a movie like
"I AM" and feel the "Oneness" of human love. Id read
e-mails of gratitude from readers. And I would be grateful
that God works miracles in my life as a result of my work
with people.

+6 would be a particularly memorable day or time in

my life I'd have to share with my loved ones, best friends,

my Life Coach and certainly on Facebook! I would have

lost the 10 pounds of "baby fat" at an Indian retreat and

feel 10 years younger (tried it!). I would have found the
right doctor for my son's treatment. I'd be able to give
to a charity organization because I had sold many books
(working on it). I would be spiritually blessed and speaking publicly to people who break free before my very
eyes! I would be overwhelmed by love for my loved ones
as they surprise me with love gifts on a day other than my
birthday!

+8 Was actually the day when my first book was published in Denmark. And on the same day my husband
Frank proposed to me. Another +8 day, of course, was our
wedding day, when my then 17-year-old son Nikolai gave
me away. Another was the time, many years ago, when I
felt God enter my heart, heal my pain and set me free to
love again. He took me up on his shoulders so I could see
my life from a higher perspective! A powerful +8 day was
the day my son survived his brain surgery. The brilliant
surgeon removed the entire tumor giving superb odds for
his complete recovery. It is a true miracle.

+10 Was the day I "died to self " and gave birth to my

son. From that day forward, I became second. It will be

the day I die in peace with Jesus coming to take me home,
with angels promising to take care of my loved ones for
me. It will be the day I die painlessly and peacefully of old
age, in my sleep. And it could also be a day where I "die to
self " from deep creative meditation or in deep gratitude
for my life. Being and breathing LOVE is +10.
So, now its your turn.

It's OK to start out with a great

deal or with very little; it will grow
or simplify. Look at my Pathfinder
Vision Board. it is an organic
breathing board; the images that
cause you to feel +2 to +10 will
change over time, as your dreams
come true!

125

 What are the

"minus and plus
days or times in your
life? Starting out
with a 0, what would
that look like?
When did you die to self? (+10) When did you
stop to think and only felt love and peace? Have you experienced a time better than great lovemaking, better
than winning the lottery, better than being young and
handsome? The truth is: dying to self is love. Cutting the
umbilical cord at the birth of your children or holding
your newborn baby. Speaking one kind or funny word to
make others smile is love, too.
When we actively pursuit joy in our lives and trust
the feelings and sensations in our bodies, they will always
tell us the truth. We can trust them. They will always show
us what actions will lead us nearer to (or further from)
Love, Peace and Harmony. For this is what all human beings seek, after all, in our homes and in our lives.
Here is the trick that helps you stay on a joyful path
full of hot tracks, a concrete way to manage the negative
markers that happen to us all:
-2 feelings can be balanced out by doing +2 things
such as buying new shoes or enjoying a lovely walk with
your dog.
-4 feelings can be balanced out by +4, such as visiting people you love.
-6 feelings can be improved by +6, such as planning
a wonderful holiday or reveling in a day at a spa.
-8 feelings can be balanced out by +8, such as meditating on the good things in life. I suggested you visualize
being with the love of your life, traveling with him/her to
lovely places, being with your family around a Christmas
tree. Feeling free to love yourself and forgive yourself for
past mistakes. Visualizing every step of the creation of a
new lovely home, feeling the comfort of it, and entertaining and socializing in it.
-10 feelings can be eased by praying for God to
enter your heart and heal your body and soul. You can
let love for others become your focus and priority in both
work and private life. This would utterly balance out the
fear of inevitable death, loss, or grief. Seeing death as a
passing of the soul to a new adventure will eventually
make death seem less terminal.

126

Crafting a Pathfinder Vision Board on a wall!

You don't have to display images of the dark side"
on the vision board; we all know what's there. We just
need to set our GPS for the future life we want and we just
chart that course. The destination is how we visualize our
life, how we think it will look, and this includes our home!
Opposite is the picture of my own vision board.
Looking at the images and quotes on the mornings I take
the essential time to do my yoga always brings my feeling
states from +2 to +8.
Your homework is to find photos and images: of
role models doing the work you want to do, pictures of
what makes you happy, articles with images of travel, or
pictures of couples in love (if you're alone and want to attract that Heavenly Match!). If in a relationship, perhaps
choose a picture of the two of you when you were newly
in love, to attract that state of mind once again. As well as
your own photographs, you can find wonderful images on
I-stock and dating ads.
In your bedroom or home office, or on the inside
of closet doors, start by pinning a piece of string to mark
the Pathfinder Life Line and place the numbers 0 to
+10 with sticky tags.
Next put up the images you have found, and instantly you'll feel the feelings of hope and joy this wall
promises you. Going from rock bottom in your mind to
Love, Peace and Harmony is the hardest part. The rest is
just taking action steps according to your desires And
the future life you were meant to live will FIND YOU!

Lao-tzu,

A journey of a
thousand miles
begins with a single step.
In planning your day focus on how you can let
"this little light of mine" shine as brightly as possible.
Gaze at your vision board every morning as you perform
yoga or meditate in front of it. I have done it for years
now and it feeds my soul! Go on, find back to the hot
tracks in your life and you'll find the animal spirit in you,
the lovely gazelle, or the beautiful leopard, or panther
you were born to be.
Consider taking a picture of your Pathfinder Vision Board to use as the background on your desktop or
laptop, and perhaps even your phone. You will have a
constant reminder to be happy and grateful!

Lorena Siminovich

Most of my dreams have come true and your

dreams are about to come true. This is because when we
are focused on what makes us feel happy, we align our
behavior. We really can begin to live in the range, on the
scale, from -4 to +6, which is the level of happiness we
absolutely can aim for and achieve in everyday life.
Sometimes during the day, when we meditate, sing
a lullaby, paint, pray or make love, we reach the top of the
scale and feel grateful for the Love, Peace and Harmony
that is already in our lives. When we truly believe that
the dreams and desires on our Pathfinder Vision Board
the DNA of our life! will come rightfully to us at the
right time, then we live in trust instead of fear. We begin
to attract real love and surrender completely to life itself.

127

Thank You
There is no way I could have journeyed from a
broken home, with a single mother, to where I am today,
without the awesome writers who inspired me to be the
very best version of my true self. I am sincerely grateful
for your words and I realize, with humility, that I am on
a life-long path of learning and growing.
I dedicate this book to my dear son, Nikolai, who
during the writing of this book suffered a terrifying and
painful illness. For six months we couldn't receive a
diagnosis, locally. When finally diagnosed by an Angel
Neurologist at a private hospital, it turned out he had,
against all odds, completed his International Baccalaureate degree with a malign tumor deep in his brain. We
spent months in the hospital; I wrote, while he underwent treatment. And recovered!
We practiced gratitude in our hearts, as best we
could under the stress, but I confess there were days I was

128

so scared and exhausted that I fell to my knees, praying

with dear friends for miracles. They all came true. I had,
without knowing, trained for this Triathlon by faithfully
keeping my gratitude journal and my Pathfinder Vision
Board. My determined optimism and faith rubbed off on
Nikolai, his Dad, Frank, plus all the wonderful doctors
and nurses and other scared parents we encountered.
So it does work! I successfully practiced what I
preach." This is good news, and a relief to me, but oh, my,
I would rather not have been so supremely tested.
Dear Nikolai: Your amazing inner strength and
optimistic outlook has cured you! You went from "wimp"
to "Simba, the Lion King" and I am eternally grateful you
are alive and well today.
Thank you, dearest Frank, dearest Mom, my
dearest soul-sisters and friends who held me up in hard
times and always supported me and my family.

These wonderful books, countless audiobooks and articles have inspired me and changed my outlook on life forever
- THANK YOU - each and everyone !!
At BoConcept, I'd especially like to thank Bitten,
for her endlessly helpful, competent spirit and the fun
she brought to the project. Also my thanks to Torben and
Kenneth, who offered me this huge opportunity to write
a book on House-Coaching. They witnessed firsthand
what House-Coaching can do to create heart-to-heart
connection between customers and BC Interior Decorators. And thank you to all the lovely people I met at
BoConcept world-wide, who welcomed me and my message with open hearts and minds.
Thank you to my brilliant editor, Diana Soloman.
Youd managed to morph my Danish-English text into
lovely lyrics and added your own special music, which
obviously you were born to do!

To you, dear Reader: May your life and home be

a soul oasis, where you too can grow and learn and become a blessing to yourself and your loved ones. May
you be blessed with good friends and family who will
help you with practical needs and shower you with love
and empathy when you need it most. Remember, never
be afraid to ask for help and let people really see you:
every aspect of lovely you as you transform from caterpillar to butterfly. May you be truly happy and prosperous in your work and in your life!
Gratefully yours,
Kirsten Steno

129

RESOURCE: Tool Box

1) Vision Boards: Pathfinder Vision Board, Love-Hate
Vision Board, Happy Wall: visual reminders and decorative in themselves!
2) Get the Damned Things Done tool: When you just
cant do it all.
3) 7-3 Downsizing tool: An invaluable method to sort
and be rid of stuff!
4) Sticky-Tags tool: How to sort items.

5) 40 + 40 + 20 tool: The rule for combining belongings:

your stuff, your partners stuff, and new stuff!
6) 70-30% tool: Design rule- 70% neutral colors and 30%
bright colors.
7) 3-F Voice tool: The 3 Fs are for Fight-Flight-Freeze!"
For that is what happens; those terrifying thoughts are
not from our own mind, but from the voice that drives
us to either fight, flight, or to freeze.

1) Pathfinder Vision Board, Happy Wall, and LoveHate Vision Board: These are magical tools to help you
visualize your dreams and stay on course to fulfill them!
It is fun and easy.
Pathfinder Vision Board: During the creation
and use of the Pathfinder Vision Board there is often a
moment when a client will begin to listen to her hearts
desire, and find the hot track to her best life. Once she
proclaims YES! as she looks at images that trigger deep
longing or a memory of great happiness, she begins to
believe in a new start in life. The Pathfinder Vision Board
can be for you personally only, for you as a couple or for
the future of a whole family. You will collect images and
quotes that make you happy. Dont think about it, dream
and follow your heart! There is no right or wrong way
to do this, just your way. Take pictures in stores, cut pictures from magazines or scan the internet for images that
touch you, move you, be they places, looks, art, furniture,
a dream career, hobby or passion. Glue or pin the photos
onto your vision board wall in a hierarchy of 10 lines.
0-2 of these lines are where you place images of what you
quite like to do, 4-6 what makes you happy, 6-8 what you
absolutely LOVE to do and 8-10 what allows you to let go
of your ego and experience a blissful state of Love, Peace
& Harmony... singing, sailing, art, gardening, building
something, running?

This tool is so powerful I devoted an entire chapter to

it, near the end of the book. See the chapter entitled
Pathfinder Vision Board, and Christines story in the
Guardians of Things chapter for an example of its use.
The Love-Hate Vision Board: This is very similar, but each partner in a couple focuses on the things
each loves and hates in their living environment: colors,
styles, room sizes, decor, etc. In this way they can compare likes and dislikes and see where they coincide. The
rest of the process of creating the board is the same as for
the Pathfinder Vision Board. There is a good example in
the Boy meets Girl chapter.
The Happy Wall: is just that! Created in a similar
way to the other Vision Boards, the Happy Wall is a collage board of joyful memories, photos and love notes. It
can be framed on the bedroom wall opposite the bed,
to remind you both why you stay in this marriage, relationship, or family living situation. It can be a wall in the
living room or a wall in a children's room. (See how in
Our Story and in the Boy, Girl, Plus Baby chapters).
I have used them countless times with clients, and
in my own family I have a photo of my first vision board
in my French B&B apartment. I have redone my vision
board many times over the years as my dreams have
come true; they are magical tools!

130

3) 7-3 Downsizing tool: Sorting and clearing out stuff

can be very hard and I came up with a useful tool that
works every time! As you plow through all the items
you wish to sort, focus on two key questions, Can I live
without this item? and Who could I give this item to?
Then separate your belongings in this way: out of seven
pieces of furniture, for example, you chose three of them
to keep. Of seven books, you choose to keep three. Of

seven photographs taken on the same day, you choose

three as lovely memories, and throw away four. Youll
find it gets easier after you have tried it once or twice. It
will become easy to look at seven things at a time, choosing three to keep, while saying thanks and goodbye to
the remaining four. There is a good description and example from my own experience in the chapter entitled
My Own Story.

4) Sticky-Tags: This is a wonderful method to help you

separate and sort items of all kinds. (See Christines
story in the Guardians of Things chapter for a really
good description and example of the Sticky-Tags tool).
To summarize, you will use different colors of
Sticky-Tags (Post-It Notes from 3M is a name brand of
these small squares of paper with a sticky edge) to place
on your items. Say you look at an item and think, "It might
be worth something, but it is broken, handed down, or
from a garage sale with a piece missing. Plunk down a
pink Sticky-Tag on it you cant save all this stuff!
If you look at another item and get a good feeling from

a good memory of former happy events or of people you

loved, use a yellow Sticky Tag. You cant keep all this stuff
either; these must be downsized with the 7-3 Downsizing tool. We're not erasing memories, just letting go of
too many things.
Then there are the items which bring up painful memories; use blue Sticky Tags on these. This is
paraphernalia like old tax papers, old love letters from
painful relationships, clothes from a skinnier version of
yourself, etc. These may remind you of failure. Use blue
Sticky Tags on these items and get rid of this stuff. lt is all
from the past; let it go.

5) 40 + 40 + 20 tool: The rule for combining belongings:

your stuff, your partners stuff, and new stuff! This tool
teaches decorating a home, with fairness to all. Sounds
simple, but this guideline can save heartache. 40% of the
furniture and decor is his and 40% is hers, and they buy
20% together. In this way every member of one part of a

family (such as a Patchwork Family) can recognize their

"old home" in some of the items. This helps to keep one
part of the family group from feeling theyvemoved into
another family's home. For a helpful example of the 40 +
40 + 20 tool see the chapter called Our Story.

6) 70-30% tool: This tool helps you with color choices:

70% of these will be neutral colors, which are black,
white, brown, grey, white, beige, wooden material. 30%
will be of your favorite color scheme. (This varies slightly
for the Scandinavian countries, where it tends to be
80/20%. In warmer climates the percentage of bright colors is higher!) There could be nature colors; you might

choose soft greens and glues and browns. Add the bright
color tones which make you feel happy, in accents such
as cushions, paintings, posters, books, vases and candles.
(See the chapter entitled The Challenges of the Single
Parent: How to Ease the Way! in the Emerge as the
New You section.

7) 3-F Voice tool: The 3 Fs are for Fight-Flight-Freeze!"

For that is what happens; those terrifying thoughts are
not from our own mind, but from the voice that drives
us to either fight, flight, or to freeze.

that protects us, but terrifies us as well! Our fears are

usually very similar; the most common are fear of losing
your loved ones, fear about money, fear of losing your
home, fear of being different, fear of cancer, or of dying etc. See the chapter, Guardian of Things, and read
Christine's story, for a very good example of how this
tool works. Then write your own list of fears. It is very
enlightening!

To summarize, we need to look at our limiting thoughts,

because they stem from the 3-F Voice, the nasty little
voice of our reptilian brain, that ancient part of our brain

131

Get 'the damn' things done Problems to be solved

Name

2) Get the Damn Things Done: This tool helps you give up the lonely fight and ask friends and family for help. Sometimes you just cant do
everything, and people do love to help! There is a good example in the Boy, Girl, Plus Baby chapter, in the Desperate Homemakers section. You
can copy this form here.
Fill it in and you are on your way to getting those things done!

132

Done

Want to change how you feel about your life?

Begin by changing your home!
Newly single and camping where you live? Divorced, recovering and have little heart for
creating a beautiful home? happy in a relationship, but trying to figure out the compromise
of living together? Newly married, each with kids, and cant seem to make that living situation
work? When a life crisis hits, a tired, confused or broken heart always longs for comfort and
a safe place to hide... in other words, HOME!

Weve all experienced the power of home.

Wherever there is Love, Peace and Harmony within our four walls, that home becomes a
power station. your batteries recharge when you walk in your door. our home is to us what
the cocoon is to a butterfly: a safe place to evolve into the astonishing creatures we were meant
to be.

In House Coach, Kirsten steno offers simple, easy-to-follow steps

from her Interior Design and life Coaching tools.
youll be inspired to change your home and change your life! and the real-life client stories in
this unique self-help book will warm your heart and give you first-hand examples of her powerful
system.
a martha Beck-trained life coach and highly experienced interior Designer, kirsten steno has
decorated more than 1,800 homes over the last 20 years. as she fine-tuned her methods, she experienced the joy of helping people find their way home to themselves.

try the wonderful ideas in House Coach

and enjoy the miracles that take place in your life!

ISBN 978-87-989129-9-6