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AUDITIONS MONOLOGUES FOR DECEMBER PRODUCTIONS

(Corneliuss Monologue From Hello Dolly by Michael Stewart)


I tell you right now; a fine woman is the greatest work of God. You can talk all you like about Niagara Falls and
the Pyramids; they arent in it at all. Of course, up there at Yonkers they came into the store all the time, and
bought this and that, and I said, Yes, maam and Thatll be seventy-five cents, maam; and I watched them.
But today Ive talked to one, equal to equal, equal to equal and to the finest one that ever existed in my opinion.
Theyre so different from men! And theyre awfully mysterious too. You never can be really sure whats going
on in their heads. They have a kind of wall around them all the time-of pride, and a sort of play-acting; I bet you
could know a woman a hundred years without ever being really sure whether she liked you or not.

(Employees Monologue From The Worker by Walter Wykes)


All right, look ... I didnt want to tell you, but Ive fallen behind. At work. I can't keep up. Recently, theyve ...
ahh ... theyve let a few people go. They have me running the accounting department entirely by myself! I do
everything! The whole department! And that's not all! I'm also expected to take incoming calls because there's
no receptionist, and fix the computers because there's no tech department! I'm in charge of the mail room, the
cafeteria, janitorial services, research and development! Last week, human resources was let go, the whole
department, and I received a memowhich Id actually typed myself because there's no secretaryinstructing
me to familiarize myself with all applicable state and federal guidelines! Tomorrow, I'm supposed to start
mediating all employee disputes! I have no idea what I'm doing!
(Mabels Monologue From An Ideal Husband by Oscar Wilde)
Well, Tommy has proposed to me again. Tommy really does nothing but propose to me. He proposed to me last
night in the Music-room, when I was quite unprotected, as there was an elaborate trio going on. I didn't dare to
make the smallest repartee, I need hardly tell you. If I had, it would have stopped the music at once. Musical
people are so absurdly unreasonable. They always want one to be perfectly dumb at the very moment when one
is longing to be absolutely deaf. Then he proposed to me in broad daylight this morning, in front of that dreadful
statue of Achilles. Really, the things that go on in front of that work of art are quite appalling. The police should
interfere. I wish, Gertrude, you would speak to him, and tell him that once a week is quite often enough to
propose to anyone, and that it should always be done in a matter that attracts some attention.
(Oscars Monologue From The Odd Couple by Neil Simon)
Hello, Oscar the poker player!..Who?..Who did you want, please?...Dabby? Dabby who?..No there's no Dabby
here...Oh, Daddy! (to the others) For Christ sakes it's my kid (into phone: clearly a man who loves his son)
Brucey, hello, baby. Yes it's Daddy! (to the others) Hey come on, give me a break will ya? My five-year-old kid
is calling from California. (phone) How've you been, sweetheart?...Yes, I finally got your letter. It took three
weeks...Yes but next time tell your mommy to give you a stamp... Mommy wants to speak to me? Right... Take
care of yourself, soldier. I love you. (and then with false cheeriness) Hello Blanche, how are you?...Err, yes I
have a pretty good idea why you're calling...I'm a week behind with the check, right?...Four weeks? That's not
possible...Blanche, I'm trying the best I can...Blanche, don't threaten me with jail, because it's not a threat.
(Elwoods Monologue From Harvey by Mary Chase)
(For some contextHarvey is an imaginary rabbit that only the main character can see)
Aunt Ethel I want you to meet Harvey. As you can see hes a Pooka. (To air beside himself) Harvey, youve
heard me speak of Mrs. Chauvenet? We always called her Aunt Ethel. (Inclines head to the side and listens a
moment, muttering Hmm! and then listens as though not hearing the first time). Yes-yes-thats right. Shes
the one. This is the one. (To Ethel) He says he would have known you anywhere. (To Harvey) Come on in
with me, Harvey-we must say hello to all of our friends. I beg your pardon Aunt Ethel. If youll excuse me
for one momentyou are standing in his way. Come along Harvey. (Leads Harvey to the doorway and then
pauses) Go on in, Harvey. Ill join you in a minute. (To Ethel) Aunt Ethel, I can see you are disturbed about
Harvey. Please dont be. He stares like that at everybody. Its his way. But he liked you. I could tell.

(Lloyds Monologue From Noises Off by Michael Frayn)


(For some contextthis former director has come back from his current production of Richard III to try and
mend fences with an Actress unhappy in his previous production).
Let me tell you something about my life. I have the Duke of Buckingham on the phone to me for an hour after
rehearsal every evening complaining that the Duke of Gloucester is sucking boiled sweets through his speeches.
Richard himself would you believe? -Richard III? Has now gone down with a back problem. I keep getting
messages from here about how unhappy Brooke is and now shes got herself a doctors certificate for nervous
exhaustion shes going to walk! I have no time to find or rehearse another Vicki. I have just one afternoon,
while Richard is fitted for a surgical corset, to cure Brooke of nervous exhaustion. So I havent come to the
theatre to hear about other peoples problems. Ive come to be taken out of myself and preferably not be put
back in again.