THE WUNDELSTEIPEN

(And Other Difficult Roles for Young People)

__________________________

by Nick Jones

1. Welcome, Parents................(1 F)
2. Everybaby...........................(5 F, 3 F)
3. The Wundelsteipen..............(3 M, 1 F)
4. College Romance.................(2 M, 1 F)
5. Caligula in the Morning.......(2 M)
6. Super Supportive Family.....(2 M, 1 F)
7. Salome.................................(5 M, 3 F)

Welcome, Parents
A DRAMA TEACHER enters to welcome the
audience.
DRAMA TEACHER
Well hello parents. This is it. The big night. The moment youve been waiting for. It always
comes too soon. We always feel like we need more time. But there is no more time. So here
we are: timeless. Not timeless like I think this going to be so great. I mean, it might be,
but...well, hey, its been an amazing three weeks. Ive really enjoyed getting to know your
kids and I think, no matter what happens, I can honestly weve all had a good time. And
that, really, is whats most important, right? I mean, its not my happiness thats important,
its theirs. If it were my happiness by which we measured the success of...well listen,
success is a state of mind. So is happiness. And talent. Your children are very talented.
Thats the attitude I decided to take at the beginning of this journey, and Im sticking to it..
Ive really enjoyed working with your kids. I dont know what they think of me. I dont
know what they think, period. I dont know what they feel. If they feel. Its like when I
look into the eyes of my cat. Is he happy? Is he depressed? Is he trustworthy? I just dont
know. But I do trust him. More than some of your children. Im just kidding. But am I?
Alright maybe we havent had the greatest time together, but we learned things. Thats
what important. If sometimes its hard to know what makes you truly happy, its much
easier to know what doesnt. What makes you miserable, and is something you should
never do again. Like try to teach theater to kids. No just kidding. Its just...what I mean
is...listen. its like... I saw his video of an elephant. I like to watch videos of cute animals to
unwind after a long day of working with your children. Sometimes you just need to see a
video of something cute. Something cute, something pure. I know, elephants are not the
cutest, but itss like a gateway drug, you know...cat, possum, anyhow I saw this video of
an elephant. Its giving birth. To a baby. Elephant. And when the baby elephant is dropped,
it just falls, 6 feet, onto a hard concrete floor. And then the mommy elephant just starts
kicking it. And you see this and youre like what? But the thing is, there is a reason. She
has to do that, to dislodge the liquid from its lungs. And then the elephant stands up. You
see, some children are like that. They just need to be kicked. Not that I ever kicked any of
your children. Unless by kick you mean affirm and bolster their self esteem. If that is what
you mean, then I will tell you, I am only sorry I couldnt have kicked a few of them harder.
Okay, look, I know you have spent a lot of money putting your kids into this program. I
encourage you, for the time being, not to think about that.

2.
I encourage you to take off your judgment hats for a little while, and put on your fun hats.
Whats a fun hat? Like a hat with bells on it, like a jester, I dont know...Now I understand,
you want your children to succeed. But come on! Lets just be realistic for a second. I
mean, Im not a wizard. I cant work miracles. And they are not exactly the sweetest bunch
of...Look, weve all worked very hard. But Im sure most of you understand there are
times when you may try as hard as humanly possible, and thats just not enough. I have no
idea what youre about to see. Your children have been very difficult to work with. I have
told them not to expect tremendous applause, but I think it would be nice if they got a little.
If not now, then when? And really, they have done the very best they could with the roles
assigned them. Like me, like you. You didnt become a star. Your children will most likely
never become stars either. But thats not my fault, and this show...it is what it is, you
know. Hopefully this will be a painless experience, but you know...life is full of pain. And
part of theater is expressing that. So lets just put on a brave face, shall we? A brave face
and a fun hat. Or a forgiveness hat. What would that look like? Try to imagine what that hat
would look like and then put it on. And then maybe you can enjoy this. Or at least look like
youre enjoying it, for the childrens sake. Okay. So. I hope youre excited. On with the
show.

Everybaby
by Nick Jones

Nick Jones
12th St. #3R
Brooklyn, NY 11215
thewhizbang@gmail.com
Representation:
Mark Subias
SUBIAS Agency
mark@marksubias.com
212.445.109

Characters (May be played by 4-5 actors)

Everybaby
God
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome
Cuteness
Kindred
Cousin
Good Deeds
Penance
An actor playing an infant child plays with his
toys. This is EVERYBABY.
An ensemble enters with medieval type
instruments, playing merry music. One of their
number introduces the play.
ACTOR
Everybaby. A medieval morality play, for babies.
EVERYBABY
Hello, I am John Everybaby. I live a carefree, shallow life. I play with toys.
GOD
I am God. I look down on earth and see all and judge all. I am very stern.
SIDS
I am Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. I work closely with God.
GOD
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, I am displeased. The babies of earth are proud and
materialistic.
SIDS
It is true. I have noticed this. But they are just babies.
GOD
That is no excuse. See this one, John Everybaby. See how he fails to worship me. And
there, he did it again. I must make an example of this baby. Go to him and tell him it is time
for Judgment.

2.
SIDS
Yea God, I will.
SIDS goes to Everybaby.
EVERYBABY
Ah look, I have soiled myself. And yet I feel no shame.
SIDS
Fie, Everybaby, I am Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Your time of reckoning has come.
EVERYBABY
What is this? You are an adult. Give me your hand and I will put it in my mouth.
SIDS
Teeth not on this hand, but take it and tremble. I have come to take you to God.
EVERYBABY
What? And but for why?
SIDS
But for to be measured and weighed. If your soul is worthy, you shall enter heaven. But if
wicked, you shall burn in baby hell.
EVERYBABY
Oh, good.
SIDS
No.
EVERYBABY
Oh.
SIDS
Hell is bad. Hope you that God find you likable.
EVERYBABY
I feel muchly he will find me thus. I am just an innocent baby.
SIDS
Believe you this? No man nor baby is innocent, but born freighted with Original Sin.
EVERYBABY
EVERYBABY
For then how will I prove myself before God?

3.
SIDS
To prove to God your goodness, you must bring witnesses to speak on your account.
EVERYBABY
So it shall be done. See here, there is my friend Cuteness. She will qualify me before God.
Cuteness enters but hides shyly. She acts
adorable, is cooing or babbling.
EVERYBABY
Cuteness, you will stand by me, will you not? Cuteness, why do you hide?
CUTENESS
(adorable baby voice)
Ooby dooby. Will you pway hide and seek with me?
EVERYBABY
Would that I could, but I am going hence to hide in the place from whence none shall seek
me: the valley of death. Will you come with me there, to speak to God on my behalf?
CUTENESS
Ooby, dooby, doo!
EVERYBABY
Cuteness?
CUTENESS
I go bye-bye now.
EVERYBABY
Wait, Cuteness, do not desert me.
CUTENESS
(exiting)
I wuv you.
EVERYBABY
If you love me, you will not abandon me in my hour of need.
SIDS
It seems Cuteness is no true friend. Come with me now, Everybaby. Come to heaven and
let judgment be swift.

4.
EVERYBABY
No! Let judgment be drawn out! There is Kindred and Cousin. They will speak for me.
Kindred! Cousin! We have had many excellent play dates. Will you speak to God for me,
of my character.
They approach KINDRED and COUSIN.
KINDRED
Ah sweet Everybaby, we have played together well. I have been impressed with your
ability to stack blocks.
COUSIN
And I your ability to fit plastic pieces into holes of corresponding shapes.
EVERYBABY
Thank you, Kindred, Cousin.
KINDRED
But to your character, I cannot say it is without blemish. You did once take a toy of mine
and covet it as thine own.
COUSIN
Yes, and to me, when I wanted that same toy you would not give it. So I will not speak for
you. But I will take your toys when you are dead.
KINDRED
Or you may give them to me. Oh, to play. Just thinking about it is making me smile.
COUSIN
Oh to see you smile makes me smile. Smiling.
KINDRED
Smiling. Smiling and playing.
COUSIN
Come now Everybaby wont you smile with us. And rock back and forth.
KINDRED AND COUSIN
(rocking)
Smiling and rocking. Smiling and rocking.
EVERYBABY
Ah no. I have no time for smiling and rocking, for I am to die. And I see now Kindred and
Cousin are covetous and easily distracted. Alack, is there no one else who will not abandon
me?

5.
GOOD DEEDS enters, a baby who hobbled like
an old man. He crawls, with a miniature cane.
EVERYBABY
What now is this? Forsooth, who is that hunched and hobbled baby?
SIDS
Ah but that is Good Deeds. Few are those who play with him.
EVERYBABY
Oh yes, Good Deeds. He will speak for me. Good Deeds, it is I, Everybaby. Do you
remember me?
GOOD DEEDS
Who? Ah yes, I remember you, Everybaby.
EVERYBABY
Then you know me a friend. Will you come with me on my journey to death, and speak on
my behalf?
GOOD DEEDS
Surely I would, Everybaby.
EVERYBABY
Rejoice!
GOOD DEEDS
Would that I were strong enough for the journey. I have grown too weak without anyone
to believe in me.
EVERYBABY
Not believe in you? But you must jest. Recall you I helped clean the play room once?
GOOD DEEDS
Recall me you immediately wrecked it again.
EVERYBABY
This must be what shame feels like. Ah dreck, what folly is Baby! How foolish I have
been, to have squandered my six weeks on this earth.
SIDS
Come, Everybaby. It is Time. There are none who shall speak for you.

6.
EVERYBABY
Wait. Sudden Infant Syndrome.
SIDS
SIDS.
EVERYBABY
SIDS, you may speak for me.
SIDS
I? Nay thank you.
EVERYBABY
But you know me as well as any. And you know that I am just a baby. I know not what I
have done. Please kindly SIDS, do not take me, or I shall uncontrollably cry.
SIDS
Cry as you may, it matters not. This is Gods Will. It is He to whom you must Grovel.
Everybaby begs mercy of God as SIDS goes to
take out the Celestial Crib by which he may be
delivered to heaven.
EVERYBABY
Lord. Lord God, please forgive me. I will change my life. I will learn to speak and give
every word to praising you. I will learn to walk, and walk no place un-beside you. I will
learn to sit still. I will learn to feel shame. But do not condemn me to die.
He sees the crib.
EVERYBABY
What is that?
SIDS
This is the Celestial Crib in which I will take you to meet your maker. It is time to go to
bed.
EVERYBABY
But Im not tired!!!
PENANCE appears as Everybaby bursts into
tears.
PENANCE
Wait!

7.
SIDS
What now is this and who be you?
PENANCE
My name is Penance, I come to all those who summon me, and spank those who seek
redemption.
EVERYBABY
Oh do spank me, for I have wasted my life.
PENANCE
I will do this.
Everybaby lies over Penances knee and is justly
spanked. SIDS lights up a cigarette.
PENANCE
Will you smoke in this place of babies?
SIDS
I will if I must wait for you to spank this one.
PENANCE
You know well that smoking is forbidden in this place.
SIDS
My smoke is nothing compared to the fires of hell.
EVERYBABY
Oh now I fear. I fear muchly. Spank me harder, Penance. Spank the fear from my heart.
SIDS
Everybaby, it is time to go.

GOOD DEEDS
Wait. This is a good deed you have done, Everybaby. Voluntarily letting yourself be
spanked. And a gift unto me, since I am Good Deeds. Now I am strong enough to
accompany you on your journey.
EVERYBABY
Thank you. I fear less with a friend by my side. And will you come too, Penance?
PENANCE
Nay. I must remain on earth, to spank the wicked.

8.
EVERYBABY
Oh.
PENANCE
(exiting)
And how richly a lesson this is, for the babies left living, that in the end only Good Deeds
will go with you.
EVERYBABY
What did he say? I couldnt hear him.
GOOD DEEDS
He only meant that this is an allegory. That my name Good Deeds symbolizes Good
Deeds. So when we say in the end only Good Deeds will go with you we also mean
only Good Deeds will go with you. See?
EVERYBABY
Now that you have explained it, yea.
SIDS
Good. Now that we all understand death, let you die. Come into my arms I will help you
into the Celestial Crib.
(helps him up)
Uppsy wuppsy to the place of eternal slumber.
Good Deeds crawls in by himself.
GOOD DEEDS
I need not your help, SIDS, for I know this crib well.
SIDS
So you do, old one.
Everybaby and Good Deeds climb together into a
crib.
EVERYBABY
Now together we lie, and I am fearful.
GOOD DEEDS
Hold tightly to me, Everybaby. I will not desert you.
EVERYBABY
You have been to the valley of death before?

9.
GOOD DEEDS
Many times. And many babies have I seen go there. Babies that die for no reason, or have
been left on trains, or dropped off the top of the Eiffel Tower. Or left in pumpkins. Or
attacked by sea monsters. Or lost in space. Or spontaneously exploded. Or spontaneously
imploded. Or who take their own lives. Or are eaten by witches. Or have fallen into
quicksand. Or who are mistaken for horses and made into paste. Or who are given winning
lottery tickets which they then choke on. Or who set themselves on fire in protest for
naptime. Or who never truly die, but never truly live, and are as ghosts. Or who wander
onto bowling lanes. Or who try to make friends with polar bears. Or who are born on the
highest point during a lightning storm. Or who catch colds.
EVERYBABY
And all of these are sinful?
GOOD DEEDS
Would that I could believe this, as I once did.
EVERYBABY
Good Deeds, is there something stowed beneath this blanket?
GOOD DEEDS
Indeed, it is explosives, secreted here by my contact Intrique. I am muchly tired of Gods
wrathful vision. He condemns for messes he Himself hath wraught. Now it is His turn to
be judged.
EVERYBABY
Good Deeds, you are not what your name seems to symbolize.
GOOD DEEDS
Oh but I am. Stay close to me, Everybaby, and we will bust out all the dead babies of
heaven.
SIDS
Everybaby, the Time has come. You are to be put down now, for your Final Nap.
GOOD DEEDS
Be it so, SIDS. We are ready.
Sids begins to smother Everybaby with a pillow.
GOOD DEEDS
(quietly, while cocking a gun)
Though may we rise again, in the middle of the night, when ye least expect it.
The ensemble returns to play a musical farewell.

10.
ENSEMBLE
Oh Good Lord, Keep me Upright
On my Stomach I will die
Good Lord I lost my balloon
Its floating to the sky
Oh Great Lord, show me mercy
and Ill give my toys to thee
Lift me up to Play now
with Eternity
Oh Good Lord, my face is messy
My sippy cup is spilled
But good Lord Im just a Baby
And for you I will sit still
Good Lord Im just a Baby
But you killed me in the night
Good Lord Im just a Baby
Floating in a silver light
Do babies go to heaven
Why would they go to hell
Twenty babies in the moonlight
Sacrificing a gazelle
Those Pagan heathen babies
I never played with them
Good Lord, Im coming to you
And I hope youll be my friend
Oh Good Lord, my face is messy
My sippy cup is spilled
But good Lord Im just a Baby
And for you I will sit still
Good Lord Im just a Baby
But you killed me in the night
Good Lord Im just a Baby
Floating in a silver light
Floating in a silver light
Floating in a silver light
End of play.

The Wundelsteipen
__________________________
by Nick Jones

MATT and DERRICK are 2 brothers. Matt is

12, Derrick is 13. They have pitched a tent in
their backyard, and are lying outside in their
sleeping bags, under a starry sky. Matt has
brought his laptop, and is watching porn.
DERRICK
God this is beautiful. Its so clear out tonight.
MATT
Yeah I know, its just like a movie or something.
DERRICK
Are you watching porn?
MATT
Yeah, I still got the wireless signal from the house.
DERRICK
I really wish you wouldve left that.
MATT
Why?
DERRICK
I dont know. I just feel like it defeats the purpose.
MATT
Derrick, were in the backyard. It isnt like were roughing it or something.
DERRICK
Yeah well, still. Itd be nice to hear the birds and things.
MATT
I can use the headphones.
DERRICK
It would be nice to talk.
MATT
Alright, fine.

2.
He closes the laptop.
MATT
So. What do you want to talk about?
DERRICK
I dont know. Lets just look at the stars.
MATT
Okay.
They lie on their backs and stare at the stars.
Hey Derrick.
DERRICK
What?
MATT
What do you feel about tag teaming?
DERRICK
You mean, like, in sex?
MATT
Yeah, would you tag team a girl with me?
DERRICK
What girl?
MATT
Doesnt matter. I mean, when we get older and once that starts happening for us. Id really
like to do it with you.
DERRICK
Well.
MATT
It would mean a lot.
DERRICK
I guess it depends on the situation. And if the girl was willing to do that.

3.
MATT
Id think any girl would be into that. You know, two brothers. . .
DERRICK
Well yeah but. . .
MATT
Yeah yeah, I know. Youve got to ask them first.
(he sighs)
Life is so complicated.
DERRICK
Its not that complicated.
MATT
So youll do it?
DERRICK
Yeah. Maybe not the first time, you know, when I lose my virginity, but yeah.
MATT
You wouldnt want to do it the first time?
DERRICK
That seems like. Well I mean.No, I dont think I should.
MATT
I wouldnt mind if it was my first time. Actually, it would mean a lot if you were there,
backing me up.
DERRICK
I dont know.
They stare at the stars.
MATT
Hey. Remember when we were like 6 and we used to have those like, wishing sessions.
When we could just get together and, like, wish for stuff.
DERRICK
Yeah.
MATT
You used to accuse me of not concentrating hard enough.

4.
DERRICK
Yeah well you werent.
MATT
I know. But man, we were both such kids then. . .
DERRICK
Matt, youre 12.
MATT
I know. I can concentrate a lot better now. . . Oh look!
A shooting star streaks by.
DERRICK
Oh. . .
MATT
Wow. Lets make a wish.
DERRICK
Oh come on.
MATT
What?
DERRICK
Really?
MATT
Why not?
DERRICK
You just finished talking like youre all grown up, and now you want to wish upon a star.
MATT
Well just because Im older doesnt mean my heart is dead. Is that whats it like, Derrick,
when youre thirteen?
DERRICK
Im just saying, it seems a little stupid.
MATT
I dont think its stupid. What if wishing is like a skill, and were better at it now. I told
you, I can concentrate better.

5.
During reading session in class the other day I didnt even excuse to go to the bathroom
once, because I was reading the whole time. Come on. Wish with me. Youll thank me if
it comes true.
DERRICK
And if it doesnt?
MATT
Then youve wasted two seconds of your precious time.
DERRICK
Alright.
They close their eyes and wish. After a few
moments. . .
MATT
Its going to happen soon, man. And when it does, I mean when I get my chance, Im just
going to just fuck, you know. Just fuck non-stop. Forever.
A beat. Matt turns and heads in to the tent, taking
his laptop with him
DERRICK
Where are you going?
MATT
Well, yeah, Im pretty tired. Thought Id just turn in. You coming?
DERRICK
No. Well yeah, but I want to stay out here a little longer.
MATT
Okay, well goodnight then.
DERRICK
Youre just . . .
Matt zips up the tent.
DERRICK
Okay.
The sound of porn is soon heard.

6.
DERRICK
Matt?
MATT
Yeah?
DERRICK
Can you use the headphones?
MATT
Oh. Sure.
The sound ceases. Derrick addresses the
audience
DERRICK
Matt was 12 and I was 13 and a half. Only 2 years before, we were playing with stuffed
animals. Now those same stuffed animals had been ripped open at the crotch and had
become sexual slaves. Just a few years before, we still believed in Santa Claus. Now we
came in the toilet while hunched over the Victorias Secret Holiday Catalog. Or at least I
did. But magic was not yet dead to us. And on this night, we would learn of the magic
reserved for adults, who still have the courage to believe.
A fairy appears.
FAIRY
Hello Derrick.
DERRICK
Who-FAIRY
You should wake Matt.
DERRICK
Why?
FAIRY
Why? Derrick. Dont tell me youve never seen a Wundelsteipen before?
DERRICK
A what?

7.
FAIRY
A Wundelsteipen. A sex fairy. I heard you and your brother wishing. Youre very good
at it. Im sure youre good at many things.
DERRICK
What do you want?
FAIRY
Ive come to take a mighty load off your back. Im come to take your virginity. And all
you must do in return is pull out before you come and come on my face.
DERRICK
What?
FAIRY
Yes, we Wundelsteipen have been around for thousands of years. For those willing to
make the bargain, we trade sex for coming on our faces. We need boys to come on our
faces in order to live; it is the source of our power. You see, where we come from, there is
no come. The trolls killed off our fairy men long ago, and they will not come on our faces
because they are mean and cruel. If I do not find someone to come on my face soon I fear I
must die. That is why I need you to help me, Derrick. You and Matt. Together, at the
same time.
MATT
(emerging from the tent)
Whats going on?
DERRICK
She says if we have sex with her we can come on her face.
MATT
Who does?
FAIRY
I will only have sex with you if you come on my face. That is the bargain. And woe unto
he who breaks his bargain with a Wundelsteipen.
A beat
MATT
Okay. Great.
He starts to unbutton his pants.

8.
DERRICK
Wait. Wait. Matt.
(pulls him aside)
MATT
What? Dont you want to?
DERRICK
We cant just do it like this, drop of the hat.
MATT
What?
DERRICK
It.
MATT
Why not? Im ready.
DERRICK
The first time? You want to do it like this.
MATT
Why, you want to wait for an occasion more special? Than a fairy coming down from
heaven and asking us to come on her face? This is magical, man. Literally magical.
DERRICK
Yeah, except theres no such thing as fairies.
MATT
Then whats that? Look Derrick, just because Santa Claus turned out not to be real,
doesnt mean nothing else is. This is sex, Derrick, real sex---just like on the internet.
DERRICK
But what about mom and dad?
MATT
What about them. Were not having sex with them. Weve having sex with that fairy.
FAIRY
Matt? Derrick?
MATT
Yes?

9.
FAIRY
I dont have all night. I have wishes to grant across town in juvie hall. Would you like me
to come back later?
DERRICK
No. Were ready.
MATT
Lets do it.
Matt goes inside the tent, followed by the fairy.
A light is turned on, and shadows suggest the
action which Derrick narrates.
DERRICK
We climbed into the tent, and the fairy wasted no time. I was the first to be pleasured and
felt this was right, I being the oldest. I remember feeling extremely distracted by the sight
of my brothers erect penis. We were the same size. Small, by porn standards, and average,
I hoped, by the standards of the real world. I wondered if anyone could tell we were
brothers, just by looking at our penises.
(Tableau changes)
As oral sex gave way to the certifiable real sex of penetration, the fairy began to moan and
thrash, and soon a stream of obscenities came flowing out of her. She told us to
FAIRY
Fuck me, fuck me, FUCK ME
GODDAMIT!

DERRICK
Fuck her, fuck her, FUCK HER
GODDAMIT!
DERRICK

We explained that we were

MATT
We are!
DERRICK
We were!
MATT
Arent we?
DERRICK
But she just kept saying it, which made me begin to wonder if we werent doing something
wrong. The whole experience started to get kind of stressful.

10.
FAIRY
Hit me.
MATT
What?
FAIRY
Hit me. I cant cum unless you hit me.
(Pause)
Dont you want me to have an orgasm?
MATT
I want you to have an orgasm.
FAIRY
Then hit me.
While Matt hesitates, Derrick hits her.
MATT
Derrick
DERRICK
What? Its what she wants.
FAIRY
Hit me again, harder
He hits her again.
Good. Now pee on me.
DERRICK
What? No. I cant.
FAIRY
Why not?
DERRICK
I dont know. I dont want to. And then everything will be covered in pee.
FAIRY
Oh its all about you isnt it? At least stick your fingers up my ass. Come on now. Matt,
give me your fingers.
MATT
No, stop. I cant do this.

11.
He scrambles out of the tent.
FAIRY
What are you doing? Where is he going?
DERRICK
I dont know. Just wait a second, okay?
He follows him out.
FAIRY
You better hurry up. Im so horny. Im touching myself. Look at me, Im touching
myself.
DERRICK
I see.
FAIRY
Look!
DERRICK
I see you, okay?! Just hold on. Matt. . .
Matt is clutching his knees on the lawn.
MATT
Im sorry.
DERRICK
Whats wrong man?
MATT
Theres no such thing as fairies.
DERRICK
What? What are you talking about?
MATT
Fairies are magical. Theres no magic in there. Shes justnasty.
DERRICK
Yeah I know but . . . I thought you wanted that.
MATT
I know. I thought so too.

12.
FAIRY
Matt! Derrick! You come in here and finish what you started!
DERRICK
I dont want to.
MATT
I dont either.
FAIRY
We had a deal! You will come on my face. Or Ill come back here with trolls.
MATT
But Im not into this. I want to wait for marriage.
FAIRY
Its too late! We have a deal!
DAD
(offstage)
Matt! Derrick! Whats going on?
The fairy hides inside the tent, while the boys
scramble to cover themselves. Their DAD enters.
MATT
Oh shit.
DAD
Matt, whats going on out here? What happened? Where are your clothes?
They dont respond. He sees movement in the
tent.
DAD
Is there someone in there?
Dad peers into the tent, where he spies the
Wundelsteipen, who hisses.
DAD
Oh my god. You!
FAIRY
Hello Brad.

13.
DAD
Boys, did you . . .?
FAIRY
Its too late, Brad. Their virginities are mine!
DAD
No
FAIRY
I gave them just what they wished for. Just like I gave it to you, Brad. But your fathers
never conceived of the things you wished for. More innocent times, then
MATT
But I never thought of doing those things. It must have been you!
DERRICK
Im sorry. Im a year older than you. It makes a difference.
DAD
Goddamit boys how could you be so stupid?? Dont you know about sex fairies?
DERRICK
No! You ever told us about them.
DAD
Well I thought theyd teach you at school. And youre so young. Your first time shouldnt
be like this. It should be with someone your own age, whos human. This fairy has been
having sex for thousands of years. Sex with her is too advanced. You cant start the car in
fifth gear. You have to go in stages.
DERRICK
Im sorry, dad. We didnt think it would be like this. We never would have wished for it
if we knew.
FAIRY
Enough talk. Give me what I have earned.
DAD
What did you promise her?
FAIRY
They promised to come on my face.

14.
DAD
Oh god. You can't ask that of them. They're just children. They shouldn't be thinking about
things like that. They should be tongue kissing... at most!
FAIRY
I...want...COME!
DAD
Well then take mine! Boys, go in the house.
FAIRY
No! It must be your sons. That was the deal. Those are the rules.
DAD
The rules of what?
FAIRY
Of magic.
DAD
I dont believe in magic anymore. You stole that from me, remember?
He starts to take off his clothes.
DERRICK
Dad be careful.
DAD
Dont worry boys, I know how to handle a Wunstelsteipen. Maybe I didnt once. But Ive
had lots of time to practice with your mother.
FAIRY
No. Its not what I want. I want the come of the innocent!
DAD
Not this time, Wundelsteipen. But Ill give you your goddamn come. Im going to come all
over your goddamn whore fairy face. But not the way you want it---in an insulting way.
FAIRY
That is how I want it!
DAD
Ill do it politely then!
He pushes her into the tent.

15.
DAD
Boys, go in the house. Tell your mother I went to the store to get some milk or some other
plausible excuse. And never speak of this, to anyone, ever. Do you understand me?
MATT
Yes, dad.

DERRICK
Okay.

DERRICK
(to audience)
And so he did it, took up our debt, and saved us from the uncomfortable sexual experience
we thought we wanted but actually just weirded us out. Matt and I never spoke of the
Wundelsteipen, and eventually, when we mustered the courage to have sex again, it wasnt
together, in a threesome, but with girlfriends, one on one, conservatively, gently,
missionary style. But some starry nights, I think about the Wundelsteipen, and I wonder if
someday she wont return to take what is rightfully hers. The next time, Ill be ready.
Lights fade.

College Romance
by Nick Jones

Institutional looking dorm room. Night. JEFF, early 20s,

is sitting at a desk, doing homework and drinking beer.
The sound of BEX and HAL can be heard stumbling to
the front door. They are very drunk.
BEX
Why are there so many stairs? You should live somewhere closer to the ground, dude.
HAL
Shh, shh shh. Youre going to wake my roommate.
BEX
Oh, dude. I dont want to wake your roommate.
HAL
Shhh, shhh, shit, oh...
They begin kissing against the door. When Hal finally gets
the door open they practically fall into the apartment. They
make out for a while before noticing Jeff.
BEX
Mmmmmm.
HAL
Shhh, my roommates sleeping.
JEFF
Can I help you, bro?
HAL
(startled)
Whoa. Dude. You scared me, bro.
BEX
Oh dude, I need to pee sooo bad. Wheres the bathroom, dude?
HAL
Over there.
JEFF
Uh..
She runs to use the bathroom. Jeff looks incredulous.

2.

JEFF
...really, bro?
HAL
What, dude?
JEFF
What, dude?
HAL
Yeah, dude? Who are you, anyway, bro?
JEFF
You dont recognize me?
HAL
Are you a friend of Jeffs?
JEFF
Whos Jeff, bro?
HAL
Uh, my roommate, bro.
JEFF
Bro, youre in the wrong room, bro.
HAL
Dude. What?
JEFF
Bro...
HAL
No...
JEFF
Yeah, bro.
HAL
Dude. Ah bro, Im sorry, bro. Hey. Baby?
He pounds on the door.
Baby, we gotta split, dude.

3.

(to Jeff)
Im mad sorry about this. Im, like, totally fucked up.
JEFF
Alright, dude.
HAL
Yo, all these all these floors, like, totally look the same, right?
JEFF
Yeah, and all the people too, I guess.
HAL
Yeah, well, I dont know, bro.
JEFF
Youre on the floor above me, I think.
HAL
Oh yeah? How do you know?
JEFF
Because youve done this before.
HAL
I did?
JEFF
Bro. Yeah, bro.
HAL
Aw, dude, Im sorry, bro. I guess I shouldnt drink so much.
JEFF
No, its not that. Dude. Youre that dude, arent you?
HAL
What dude?
JEFF
Dude, youre the dude with face blindness.
HAL
Aw man. Naw. I dont got no face blindness. I just drink a lot, bro.
JEFF
No, bro, youre the dude with face blindness, bro.

4.

HAL
(knocking on bathroom door)
Hey baby, what are you doing? We gotta go, oh shit.
He opens the door and finds her hunched over the toilet.
HAL
Aw, man.
JEFF
Dude. Not cool.
HAL
Sorry, bro.
BEX
Just give me one minute, bro. Im sorry. I must have ate something retarded.
HAL
Sorry, bro. I guess my girl ate something retarded.
BEX
Usually I can drink like a shitbird, bro. Im fine though. Im fine.
Hal helps her up. They start to exit.
HAL
Alright lets get back to my room.
BEX
But arent we already in your room?
HAL
Naw, dude. I just wanted to stop by my mans room to see if he had some weed before we
rally.
BEX
Weed. No, if I smoke Ill puke, bro. I just need another beer.
HAL
Alright theres beer in my room.
JEFF
Yo, wait up.
HAL
What?

5.

JEFF
Dude, dont go.
JEFF
Dude, dont go.
HAL
Why, bro?
JEFF
Cuz this is your room, bro. I was just fucking with you, bro.
HAL
What?
BEX
Who is that?
JEFF
Its me, Jeff. Your roommate.
HAL
Aw, bro.
JEFF
I was just fucking with you, bro.
HAL
Youre an asshole, bro.
JEFF
Sorry bro, Ive never known anyone with face blindness. What I supposed to do, not fuck
with you?
HAL
If you werent an asshole.
JEFF
But I am, bro.
BEX
(getting sick)
Bro. Oh. Oh god...
She runs into the bathroom and closes the door behind her.
JEFF
So Hal, whos the chick?

6.

HAL
What the fuck are you talking about, dude?
JEFF
...
HAL
Thats Bex, bro. My girl.
JEFF
Your girl like the girl youre in a relationship with?
HAL
Yeah, bro.
JEFF
Naw, bro.
HAL
Dont fuck with me, bro.
JEFF
Im not, bro. On the real.
HAL
No, bro. Thats Bex, bro.
JEFF
Dude, no.
HAL
No. Bro.
JEFF
Dude.
HAL
I know who my girlfriend is, bro.
JEFF
You ask statues for directions, bro.
HAL
Only the ones in uniform.
JEFF
You mistake furniture for people, bro.

7.

HAL
Only when theyre really still. Yo, what the fuck, bro, youre serious? What the fuck?
JEFF
Okay, dont panic, bro. Well figure this out. Just think logically, bro. Where youd meet
this chick?
HAL
We met on the quad on Career Day.
JEFF
No thats Bex, dude. Whered you meet this chick?
(sounds of dry heaving)
Think, bro. Dig deep. Whered you come from?
HAL
We were at the firehouse, bro. Til they shut down early, bro.
JEFF
Yeah, they shut down early on finals week.
HAL
Its fucked up, bro.
JEFF
I know, bro. But dont worry, dude. Im a criminology major. Well solve this mystery,
bro.
HAL
No. Its Bex. Im sure of it. Sure of it...
JEFF
Alright, bro. I propose a simple test, bro.
HAL
A test?
JEFF
Yeah, dude. Why dont you try to use her name. If my assertion is correct, and shes really
the chick you think she is, then shell respond to her name.
JEFF
Deductive reasoning, bro. Thats whats up.
HAL
Alright, dude. No problem. Im certain of my assertation, bro. Watch this.

8.

Approaching the door.

HAL
(quiet at first)
Yo, Bex....?
Beat.
Bex?
Beat.
Jess?
Bex opens the door.
BEX
Whos Jess?
HAL
Noone.
BEX
Yo, I am so sorry, dude. Usually I can drink like a shitbird.
HAL
Hey, its cool. Bex.
JEFF
Yo, that is not Bex, bro.
BEX
What?
HAL
Shut up, dude.
BEX
What? Whats he talking about?
JEFF
Yo, what is your name?
BEX
Dude, what are you talking about? What do you mean, what is my name?

9.

JEFF
What is it, dude?
HAL
Its Bex. Bro. Its Bex. Obviously. Right?
BEX
Yeah. Totally. Im Bex.
HAL
What do you mean, totally?
BEX
No. I mean, I am.
JEFF
Naw, man. I have my Lit class with Bex, bro. Shes like a totally different person.
BEX
She is not!
JEFF
So whatd you do, dude? Like see my man at the Firehouse and be like, theres that fine
faceblind guy, Im going to take him home.
BEX
No!
JEFF
You were like Im going to totally deceive this gentlemen, and he wont even know it.
BEX
No! Hal, who is this fucking dude?
JEFF
Im his roommate. Who are you, bro?
HAL
Does everyone at school know Im faceblind?
JEFF
Yeah, bro, but dont worry, I got your back, bro.
BEX
No. This dudes playing you, bro. What makes you think you should trust him?
And didnt he just tell you this wasnt your room?

10.

HAL
Thats true, dude.
JEFF
I was just playing, bro. Im your roommate. And this is just some skanky ass decepticon
from the bar, bro.
BEX
Naw, bro. Naw, Im not, bro. Cuz weve been together all night, havent we, bro?
HAL
I dont know. I dont know who I can trust, bro.
BEX
You picked me up from my dorm.
JEFF
You picked someone up from their dorm. Who knows where the real Bex is. Probably at
the firehouse, bro.
HAL
I dont know who my true friends are, bro.
BEX
No. It was me. You came by my dorm. Bachmann. And I came down and we went to the
Firehouse in your Rav 4.
HAL
Thats right. Bachmann. Thats Bexs dorm, dude. So you are Bex.
BEX
Yeah, bro. Like I said. So whos he, bro?
JEFF
Nah, bro, Its me. Im Jeff, bro. Check it.
He takes out his wallet, takes out his ID.
JEFF
School ID. Bam. You want to throw down now, son?
HAL
Anyone could have that face, bro.
JEFF
Naw, bro. Lets see your ID.

11.

BEX
I didnt bring it.
JEFF
Oh yeah? You didnt need it for the bar, then?
BEX
They dont card girls, because drunk girls are good for business.
HAL
Thats true. They dont card girls.
JEFF
Okay, well, you wont mind if I check your purse then? Right?
BEX
Sure, go ahead. (Jeff goes for it) Wait.
JEFF
Ohhhh....
BEX
Look. Fine. The thing is Bex isnt my real name.
JEFF
Ohhhh-hooo...
BEX
But dude, its not what you think.
JEFF
A web of deceit, bro.
HAL
No, dude, she means because her real name is probably like...Rebexxa. Right, dude?
BEX
Right. Rebexxa. Or Alexis.
HAL
What?
JEFF
I told you, bro. Shes like a wolf in sheeps clothing.

12.

BEX
No...
JEFF
I am like the Drunk Detective, bro.
HAL
Dude, who are you? Where is my girlfriend?
BEX
Im your girlfriend. Im Bex, baby. Ill be whoever you want be to be.
HAL
No, bro. I dont want you to be who I want you to be. I want you to be who you be. Are.
Who the fuck are you?
BEX
Alright. Alright, hold up. Okay, I admit it, Im not Bex.
JEFF
No shit, bro. We deduced that already.
BEX
But I am your girlfriend.
HAL
What?
JEFF
I dont think so, bro.
BEX
No, I am. Just let me explain, bro. Everybody just quit running around and let me sit down.
She sits down.
JEFF
You want to take some shots?
HAL
Dude, this is not the time for that.
JEFF
It will just take a second, dude. It will help with our cognitive...lets just do it.
HAL
This is fucked, dude.

13.

BEX
No, dude. Its not. Just let me explain.Alright, dude. Check it out. Its like this, yo. Bex
was my roommate.
JEFF
Oh, dude. /That is some diabolical shit, bro.
HAL
No. Your roommate?? So youre saying when I came by earlier to pick you up at the dorm,
you like, switched bodies?
BEX
No. Its not like that. She dont live there no more, bro. She, like, moved to a quiet dorm.
HAL
A quiet dorm? But that doesnt make sense. Bex loves to party.
BEX
No, bro. Bex totally does not love to party. She left cuz she didnt like it when we got
physical, yo. You know, with our bodies.
HAL
What do you mean? What do you mean, like, we were hooking up with her in the room??
BEX
Yeah, dude. You must have thought she was like furniture.
JEFF
He does that.
HAL
Naw! Naw! Wait, was that her making that crying sound?
BEX
Yeah. What else would it have been, dude?
HAL
I dont know! Some kind of white noise machine?
BEX
Yo, what do you think I am, the God of War?
HAL
I dont know who the fuck you are, bro!
JEFF
Dude, this girl straight played you, like a...ten cent whistle.

14.

BEX
What?? Shut up. You are not like Dick Tracy.
JEFF
Maybe I am, maybe Im not. Anybody could be anybody in this hall of mirrors, bro.
HAL
Aw Bex. My poor sweet...Rebexxa.
BEX
Whatever, bro. You didnt even like her.
HAL
You dont know dick, dude. She was my best girlfriend, in my life. Dude...
BEX
As if, bro. She was all wrong for you.
HAL
No! No. I was in love. Like, balls deep in love. I was going to ask her to marry me.
BEX
Bro, girlfriend moved out like four months ago.
HAL
Four months ago?...But thats how long weve been going out...
BEX
Yeah, uh huh, exactly. That is, like, the crux of the shit.
HAL
So youre saying, actually, youre the girl Ive been in love with, its just that you have a
different name.
BEX
Exactly, dude. Like I said.
JEFF
Fascinating, bro. Fascinating.
BEX
Im sorry, dude, but after we hooked up the first time, I thought you knew what you were
doing. I didnt know about your condition. And then I was afraid to tell you, bro.
HAL
So its been you all along...

15.

BEX
Yeah, bro. Its me youre balls deep in love with.
HAL
And thats why you didnt recognize her, because the girl in your Lit class is-BEX
Just some random girl you slept with. Before you fell in love with me-HAL
But I didnt know I was in love with you-BEX
Because you have a serious brain problem.
JEFF
Dude. Its like an O. Henry story.
HAL
Who?
JEFF
Its a writer, bro.
HAL
I thought you were criminology.
JEFF
I am, bro.
HAL
Have you ever read Bukowski, bro?
JEFF
Dude, he is like my inspiration for everything.
BEX
Dude. Forget about all that. Just look me in the eyes. Bro, I love you. I want to marry you,
too.
HAL
I want to marry you three, dude. Like, right now.
BEX
I want to marry you right now. But we should probably wait.
HAL
Til tomorrow?

16.

BEX
Definitely til tomorrow. Wait, maybe were moving too fast.
HAL
Its good to move though. When youre too still I cant find you, bro.
BEX
No, I mean what if this happens again?
HAL
What?
BEX
If you get confused. Or if you cheat on me, accidentally?
HAL
I wouldnt do that. I love you.
BEX
But its not about love. Its about mental function.
HAL
I choose love. Dude, serious bro, well work it out. Ive never met anyone like you, dude.
Who can party as hard as you, and who is as hot as you, and everything. God you are
perfect. I want to be your husband, bro. I want to get married in a fancy church, but I want
to do it our way. The food will be only good food and the drinks will be free, and Im
going to have the priest read Bukowski.
JEFF
Sweeeeet.
BEX
Dude, its going to be amazing, dude. Okay?
BEX
Okay. Word.
HAL
Word?
BEX
Word! WORD! WORD!
They kiss.
JEFF
Hey, my people, this is no doubt the most beautiful thing thats ever happened in this room.
Yo, Im sorry I doubted your shit. May your love be like long and fruitful, yo.

17.

HAL
Thanks, bro. You were mad good at helping put the pieces together, bro. You should be
like a detective.
JEFF
Im going to be, bro. Thats what it means to be a criminology major, bro.
HAL
Oh dude, right.
BEX
You can be anything you want, dude. This is our time. This is our time.
JEFF
Yo, by the way, Hal, did you ever decide on a major?
HAL
Oh dude, yeah Ive meaning to tell you. Check it out. Dude,
Im going to be a plastic surgeon.
Lights out.

Caligula in the Morning

__________________________

By Nick Jones

The EMPEROR OF ROME is sleeping on a

large bed.
A knife is lying on a table on the far side of the
room.
A slave, VALENIUS, enters. He clears his
throat, and does other things to wake up the
emperor in the most gentle, pleasant way
possible.
VALENIUS
(gently)
Emperor EmperorIts time to wake up
The Emperor groans.
VALENIUS
Emperor. Awake and rejoice. Its a very momentous day.
EMPEROR
Ka? (snort) Who is it?
VALENIUS
It is I, your faithful slave, Valenius.
EMPEROR
Go and be away with you.
VALENIUS
But emperor. It is time to rise and address the senate.
EMPEROR
Im sleeping.
VALENIUS
But emperor, you do not want to keep the senators waiting. Not with the future of all of
Rome at stake.
EMPEROR
If you dont get out of my room Ill see you executed.

2.
VALENIUS
But thats just it, Emperor. You said youd have me executed if I let you sleep in. Because
today is so important.
EMPEROR
That was before.
VALENIUS
Emperor, you know sometimes we are not ourselves in the morningwe say things we do
not mean to say, and do things we dont want to do.
EMPEROR
I said GET OUT! And how dare you make me have to tell you twice. You will pay for
that. Guards!
VALENIUS
No, emperor.
EMPEROR
Guards! Come at once!
VALENIUS
(continuous)
I beg you understand: I only do as you bid, and you bid me help you do as you bid,
yourself, before you starting drinking.
EMPEROR
You have broken my divine sleep. You have shattered a royal dream. A dream from which
I could have gleaned secrets, which would help in the governing of Rome. This is
treason! Where are the guards?
VALENIUS
The guards are right outside, emperor.
EMPEROR
Why do they not enter?
VALENIUS
Because you ordered them not to listen to you. In the morning. If you order them to execute
enough slave.
EMPEROR
Why would I do that?

3.
VALENIUS
Because you were upset, that you ordered the death of your last slave, Polonius, whom you
loved.
EMPEROR
But arent you Polonius?
VALENIUS
No, emperor, Im Valenius. (bowing) You dont like me as much.
EMPEROR
Where is Polonius?
VALENIUS
Dead, emperor. Because he woke you before you were ready.
EMPEROR
Polonius, gone? But he was so loyal.
VALENIUS
Yes.
EMPEROR
He knew all my little quirks.
VALENIUS
He was with you a long time. Many weeks. It takes a long time to build up that kind of
rapport. That is why you forbid the guards to listen to you in the morning.
EMPEROR
I do not govern myself well at this hour. I need another ten minutes.
VALENIUS
Most days that would be fine. Most days. But today the senators are quite aggrieved
emperor. You must talk to them. Convince them of your leadership. Convince them Rome
is in good hands.
EMPEROR
What do you mean? Of course its in good hands. Am I not a god?
VALENIUS
(approaches)
Yes of course, I know that. But they need reassurance. Just talk to them. Then you can go
back to bed. Come, I will bathe and perfume you.

4.
EMPEROR
No no. Dont touch me Fine. Ill get up.
VALENIUS
Are you sure?
EMPEROR
Yes. Go wait outside. Ill be out in a minute.
VALENIUS
Emperor?
EMPEROR
What?
VALENIUS
Will you really?
EMPEROR
Yes.
VALENIUS
Because I wouldnt want you to fall back asleep.
EMPEROR
I wont fall back asleep. Im up.
VALENIUS
You dont look like youre up.
EMPEROR
I am. Im up. Ive risen. Ill meet you outside.
Valenius exits. He might hear him murmur, as if
to Guards offstage. He returns with a pail of
water.
VALENIUS
Emperor, I must warn youYou have ordered me to douse you with water if you do not
rise.
EMPEROR
You wouldnt dare.
VALENIUS
I wouldnt dare disobey you. They were your orders. Signed.

5.
EMPEROR
Guards!
VALENIUS
The guards are on your side. The side of the other side of you. The more awake side.
EMPEROR
The conspiracy of the awake side of me! Never mind those orders. I am issuing new
orders. I order you to leave me at once and then kill yourself.
VALENIUS
Emperor. You dont mean that.
EMPEROR
You dare disobey? You worm! By Caesar, Ill kill you myself!
VALENIUS
How will you do that, emperor?
EMPEROR
Ill cut off your ears and choke you with them.
VALENIUS
With what knife?
Your knife is over on the table. Youll have to
get out of bed to get the knife to cut my ears off
with.
(Beat.)
EMPEROR
You get it.
VALENIUS
No. Youll have to get it yourself. But I bet it will feel good cutting my ears off. I know
you are angry. And then after you cut off my ears, you can have a quick bath, and go talk
to the senators, who are so looking forward to seeing you.
EMPEROR
What do they want?

6.
VALENIUS
They want to know why you have appointed a horse to the senate.
(pause)
Emperor?
EMPEROR
That is for me to know!
VALENIUS
Just talk to them, emperor. Tell them you meant no disrespect.
EMPEROR
But I did meant disrespect. They are pus filled cretins. Why wouldnt I disrespect them?
VALENIUS
Because the strength of Rome is built upon healthy working relationships?
EMPEROR
The strength of Rome comes from the gods! It comes from me!
VALENIUS
Fine! So tell them that.
EMPEROR
No.
VALENIUS
Emperor, though it may cause me to weep for days, I will wetten you.
He lifts the pail of water
EMPEROR
No! Dont! Listen to me, and I will explain what you are stupid to understand.. This is not
about my not wanting to get out of bed. This is political. If I get out of bed, just because
they want me to, then I am caving in to their demands. If I give an inch, they will take a
mile.
VALENIUS
Mmm, yes, I see. But-EMPEROR
So then you see if you start compromising its all over.
VALENIUS
Arent there times when /compromise is---

7.
EMPEROR
Ah if only there truly were more than one of me. Then one of me could go see the senators
and the other one could stay in bed. It is far too much for one man, to fulfill all the
responsibilities of government.
VALENIUS
Yes, well, that is sort of the idea behind the senate.
EMPEROR
But they are my enemies. There is no one in the senate I can trust.
VALENIUS
Not even your horse?
EMPEROR
I dont know him anymore. And you say they are plotting my assassination?
VALENIUS
I did not say that. But. This is Rome. And they are not content.
EMPEROR
So theres only one thing to do.
VALENIUS
Yes?
EMPEROR
Execute all the senators. To make my power absolute. And issue a proclamation denying
the authority of all past versions of myself.
VALENIUS
Yes. Yes. Or. You could get out of bed.
EMPEROR
Only one voice must be heard. The only power in Rome shall be the power of Gaius
Caesar as proclaimed by him in the immediate present moment.
VALENIUS
But emperor--EMPEROR
All other past proclamations and laws are void. Do you understand?
VALENIUS
Yes, emperor. Thoughif that were so

8.
EMPEROR
What?
VALENIUS
If that is so, that means I am slave no longer.
EMPEROR
What nonsense is this?
VALENIUS
Since it was by your proclamation that I was made a slave. I used to be a lawyer. You
demoted me.
EMPEROR
I dont remember that.
VALENIUS
It was during the Saturnalia.
EMPEROR
Oh the Saturnalia. Which--?

VALENIUS
It doesnt matter. The point is if all laws and past proclamations are negated than I am not
longer a slave, and I can walk away.
EMPEROR
Well then I--VALENIUS (CONTINUOUS)
But I will not walk away, your highness, because I believe in you. And I believe only you
can restore stability to Rome. By getting out of bed.
EMPEROR
So you were a lawyer?
VALENIUS
Once.
EMPEROR
Funny, I would have thought you could have been gladiator.
VALENIUS
Why is that, emperor?

9.
EMPEROR
Because you must be brave, to speak to me so familiar.
VALENIUS
I mean no harm, emperor. All I say I say out of love for you and Rome.
EMPEROR
Ah yes now I do remember you. Valenius, the lawyer, with the slippery tongue. You came
to beg for mercy of a merchant who had desecrated my image, did you not?
VALENIUS
Yes emperor, but only because I thought it was a misunderstanding.
EMPEROR
There are no misunderstandings by the gods! Do you misunderstand?
VALENIUS
No.
EMPEROR
But you could, easily, because you are not a god.
VALENIUS
...
EMPEROR
Tell me, do you have a wife and children in Rome?
VALENIUS
I do. Though I have not seen them since coming into your palace.
EMPEROR
Do you miss them?
VALENIUS
Yes, though I am happy to serve you.
EMPEROR
Yes yes.
VALENIUS
All I do, and all I say, is with the thoughts your best interest, and of Romes.
EMPEROR
Ah yes, I see that. Well tell me, would you give your life for Rome?

10.
VALENIUS

EMPEROR
Did you not hear the question?
VALENIUS
No, I did.
EMPEROR
Well then answer: will you take your life if it meant getting me out of bed to address the
senators, or are you less than I take you for? Are you not truly a Roman but just another
another shit pot of shit.
VALENIUS
I would give my life. If were speaking philosophically.
EMPEROR
Ah, we are not. A spectacle of blood clears the fog from my eyes. I must be clearheaded if
I am to address the senate.
I want you to take that knife and kill yourself with it. And then I will reassure the senators
that all is well. I will even oust my horse from the senate to appease them
VALENIUS
Could we not slaughter a lamb?
EMPEROR
No. It must be you. Your life. For Rome.
VALENIUS
Emperor.
EMPEROR
Take your life, slave. I am waiting.
VALENIUS
But
EMPEROR
I said I AM WAITING!
VALENIUS
I.cannot.

11.
EMPEROR
What?
VALENIUS
I lack the will. I am no god as you, but a mere man.
EMPEROR
If you do not kill yourself I will never get out of bed, the Senators will conspire against me
and Rome will be lost. And it will be your fault.
VALENIUS
You dont really want to do this.
EMPEROR
I do. Make no mistake. Im wide awake now.
VALENIUS
Then why dont you just get out of bed!
EMPEROR
Because that is not what I wish. Now listen to me: if you do not do as I bid, will find your
wife and children and I will rape them and torture them before your eyes. That is a promise.
The kind I have no difficulty to keep. Surely you know what I am capable of. Or dont you *
remember the Saturnalia?
Now I will count to three. Onetwo...
VALENIUS
Yes. I will do it.
EMPEROR
Good.
Valenius takes the knife.
VALENIUS
You must stand emperor. Stand for Rome. We need a leader.
He stabs himself. The emperor claps, as he falls
to the ground.
EMPEROR
Good. Good good good. Very good, dear Polonius.

12.
VALENIUS
Valenius.
EMPEROR
Valenius, yes thats right. I will remember you. Valenius the gladiator, who was sent by
some older version of Gaius, into the arena, to defeat the Gaius of today. But the Gaius of
today is stronger than he of yesterday.
He lies down.
VALENIUS
No.
EMPEROR
Whats that? I cant understand you.
VALENIUS
You said youd get out of bed.
EMPEROR
Did I? Oh but that was the past version of me, and now that promise is nullified by the
wishes of the present. Dont you remember my proclamation?
VALENIUS
You lied.
EMPEROR
No Valenius. I outsmarted you. I am a God.
VALENIUS
Stand for Rome. Or Rome will die.
EMPEROR
I will stand for Rome. Later. And then I will find your pretty wife, if pretty she be, and I
will stand for her, too.
VALENIUS
No
EMPEROR
And then I will stand for your children.
VALENIUS
No

13.
EMPEROR
And I will slaughter them and have them buried outside of the city, in an unmarked grave.
VALENIUS
No, please
EMPEROR
But as for you; you will be buried with the gladiators. An honor, worthy of your sacrifice.
Now please hurry up and die, or at least be quiet. Id like to get a few more minutes of
sleep.
VALENIUS
May the gods save us.
EMPEROR
I will save us. Later.
The emperor goes back to bed. Lights fade.

Super Supportive Family

by Nick Jones

MAY 3, 2012

An older couples comfortable home. JERRY, a

young man, is being comforted by his mother
and father, KAY and BOB. There is blood on
Jerrys shirt.
JERRY
I didnt do it.
BOB
No, of /course not.
KAY
No...
JERRY
Its not what it looks like.
BOB
No.
KAY
Honey, it doesnt look like anything Just tell us what happened.
JERRY
(mutters)
Well, I can only remember bits and pieces.
KAY
What? Im sorry Jerry youre /going to speak up...
JERRY
I can only remember bits and pieces.
KAY
You cut her into bits and pieces??
JERRY
No...
KAY
What? Thats what I thought he said.

BOB
No. Kay...
JERRY
God, mom...

2.
BOB
No, nobody cut anybody into bits and pieces.
JERRY
No....
Well...

but that was after she was already dead.

BOB

KAY

Oh.

Oh my.
JERRY

Well, you know I panicked.

BOB

KAY
Yes, of course, its...

No, its alright.

JERRY
Im sorry Im not perfect.

BOB
No, its fine. Everybody makes mistakes, right Kay?
KAY
Right. Everybody makes mistakes. Why I...I put the milk in the cereal cabinet the other day.
BOB
Oh boy...
KAY
Can you imagine that?
BOB
Right. And you cut up some, /uh....
JERRY
Streetwalker. She was like a streetwalker.
KAY
What?

3.
BOB
Right. As would anyone. If you panic. Its perfectly under/standable.
KAY
But wait, did you say a streetwalker?
JERRY
Yes.
KAY
Where did you find a streetwalker? I thought they cracked down on all of that.
JERRY
No, mom, not like a literal streetwalker.
KAY
But I thought you said--wait what did you say? Im sorry, Im hard of hearing...
BOB
No. Okay listen, Jerry just means she wasnt literally on the street.
JERRY
Right.
KAY
Oh. But she was a prostitute?
BOB
Which is fine. Lets /not...
JERRY
No, she wasnt a prostitute.
BOB
Oh.
JERRY
I mean, not technically. But she was that kind of woman. You know what I mean.
BOB
Oh. Okay.
KAY
What kind?

4.
JERRY
You know. The kind that wears a lot of makeup. That thinks theyre real pretty. That thinks
theyre real smart...
BOB
Oh.
KAY
What?
BOB
The kind that thinks theyre real pretty and smart. Oh sure, well, sure, we know a few
people like that.
KAY
Oh right. Sure, like my friend Barbara, she always...she always thinks shes so smart.
JERRY
But I didnt do it. I told you.
KAY

BOB

No.

No, of course not.

JERRY
Well. Why do I feel like youre judging me right now?
KAY

BOB

What?

No, were not.

KAY

BOB
Why would we judge you, if you didnt do
it?

Right. Right.

They kind of laugh.

BOB
But, but, but Jerry, who was this woman?...
JERRY
I dont know. We met online. I told her I was a dentist.
KAY
What?

5.
JERRY
He told her he was a dentist.
KAY
Why would he tell her he was a dentist? Hes not a dentist. Youre not a dentist.
JERRY
Well I had to tell her something. What was I going to say? I dont have a job? I live with
my parents? You know all these whores care about is money.
BOB
Oh. Sure, thats true that some...whores are focused on the financial aspects.
KAY
Oh right. These...whores...
BOB
Unbelievable. Sure. Okay. Listen. Lets let me just try to get this straight. So you told her
you were a dentist because, uh, dentists are what these whores are into these days?
JERRY
Right.
BOB
And did you use your real name?
JERRY
No.
BOB
Good. Good! Smart.
KAY
Good. /Smart boy.
BOB
Because. You should never use a real name on a first date.
KAY
No.
BOB
Now. Let me ask you something. This is the first time youve. I mean. Youve never.
JERRY
Never what?

6.
BOB
Well, you know, this hasnt happened before, has it? These kinds of. Dates.
JERRY
Oh. Oh my god. You dont believe me. You think I did it!
BOB
What? No.
JERRY
Oh thats just great. Dad. Thanks. Just jump to conclusions. /Like usual.
BOB
Im not jumping to conclusions.
JERRY
Just because I have a little blood on my shirt. /...And in my car...
BOB
No! Jerry...
JERRY
Suddenly Im a murderer!
BOB
No, listen youve got the wrong idea. Just, in the paper, because I read--KAY
IM HUNGRY! IS ANYBODY ELSE HUNGRY? WOULD ANYBODY LIKE
SOMETHING TO EAT?
BOB
No, Kay, were fine.
KAY
Well why dont you let Jerry speak for himself? Jerry, would you like something to eat?
JERRY
No, mom...

BOB
Kay...

KAY
ARE YOU SURE? MAYBE SOME CRACKERS? OR SOME CHEESEY POPCORN?
YOU LIKE THAT!

7.
JERRY
No, Im not hungry!
BOB
Kay, why dont you bring him a glass of water?
KAY
WATER! OKAY! WOULD YOU PREFER JUICE!?
BOB
No, just water is fine. Kay...
KAY
Okay, Ill get you some water. You need water, we all need water, you must be thirsty...
Kay exits. .
BOB
Alright, listen. Listen. Listen, Jerry, nobodys judging you. I just need you to be very
honest with me okay. Just so I understand what happened. So you met this woman. You
met this woman. She got in your car. And then at a certain point you just...
JERRY

BOB

Snapped.

Blacked out.
JERRY

Blacked out. Right.

BOB
So whats the last thing you remember?
JERRY
She was trying to get out of the car.
BOB
Okay. And you didnt want her to? I mean, you didnt let her?
JERRY
Its hard to explain. Youre not going to understand.
BOB
Im trying to understand. Just tell me what happened. You know me, Jerry, you can tell me
anything.
JERRY
Well look, I wanted to let her out of the car, obviously, but I...couldnt.

8.
BOB
Why not?
JERRY
There were these voices, saying I shouldnt let her.
BOB
Voices of...other people in the car? Or just...
JERRY
No.
BOB
Oh. Okay.
JERRY
What?
BOB
Nothing. Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen. Where is the girl now?
JERRY
Shes in two coolers in the back of my car.
BOB
The back of your car? Out...
JERRY
Yeah..
BOB
Okay. Okay. Listen. Listen. Listen.
JERRY
This doesnt look good, does it?
BOB
No, no, what, what are you talking about? It looks fine. Listen. Listen. Its not important
how this looks, whats important is that you didnt do it. And if you say you didnt do
it...then you didnt do it.
JERRY
Well, you know, actually, /I might have...
BOB
YOU DIDNT DO IT.

9.
JERRY
Okay.
BOB
...So that means you were framed. Right?
JERRY
Maybe we should/ call the--BOB
No! No! We dont need to involve the police yet. Because. Listen. Listen. Hold on a
second. /Listen...
Kay returns with water.
KAY
Here you go. Nice glass of water.
BOB
Okay. Listen. Okay. Nice glass of water.
KAY
And I brought some popcorn because you really should try this, because its so good.
BOB
Okay. Okay, listen Kay, Jerry was framed.
KAY
Oh, good.
JERRY
No...
BOB
Yes you were! Listen. Listen.
KAY
People are framed.
BOB
People are framed. It happens all the time. Listen. Listen. Were you were at a restaurant
beforehand? Maybe someone drugged you.
KAY
Did you accept a drink from any strangers?

10.
KAY
Because they can put drugs in your drink.

BOB
Right...

BOB
Right. Theres all kinds of creeps out there. And I wouldnt be surprised if somebody--just
for some sick thrills---was trying to make you think that youve been killing women.
KAY
Oh theres more than one dead streetwalker?
BOB
No. No, Kay. Theres no dead streetwalkers. Theres only a dead woman. Its just that
Jerry was characterizing all women as streetwalkers, remember?
KAY
Oh. Yes. Im sorry. Im such a goof.
Small laugh.
BOB
Now Jerry, listen. Listen. Listen. Okay. Listen. What I need to know is...is is possible that
there could have been other times you might been framed, in the last couple weeks?
JERRY
Its possible. I mean, yes, definitely. Ive been framed a lot lately.
BOB
Okay. /Okay. Listen..Listen...
KAY
ARE YOU SURE YOU DONT WANT TO TRY THIS POPCORN!? ITS JUST SO
GOOD.
JERRY
Oh god...
BOB
No. Hey, hey.. Listen. Listen. Listen.

KAY
Oh this isnt the right kind. I didnt mean to
buy this kind, but lets just try it, okay?
BOB

Listen. This is not your fault.

JERRY
Its not?

11.
KAY
OH, ITS GOOD!
BOB
No. Not in the slightest.
JERRY
Well the whose fault is it?
BOB
Well, you know...its...
KAY
Its the internet. /It needs to be regulated.
BOB
Why was this woman getting in your car on a first date?? Who does that? I mean, its her
own fault for...and if you are hearing voices.
KAY
Hes hearing voices? Youre hearing voices?
BOB
He heard voices. So its got to be horribly hard to focus with voices in your ear, telling you
to--to...what do they tell you to do, exactly?
JERRY
Kill. Mostly.
BOB
Kill. Thats distracting.
KAY
Oh yes.
BOB
And when youre already probably nervous because its a first date and you probably
wanted it to go really well,/ right...
KAY
And youre trying to drive.
BOB
And then here along come these voices..

12.
KAY
Oh I would find that just...
BOB
Impossible. Its an impossible situation.
KAY
I cant even imagine. If I had voices like that, on a date, why this neighborhood would just
be covered in...people parts.
BOB
Whores all over the lawn and in the trees. Listen. Listen. You didnt tell anyone about this,
did you?
JERRY
No.
BOB
And noone saw you with this persons blood or...
JERRY
No. I dont think so.
BOB
Good. Good! So. Theres a lot of positive things, and we should focus on those things,
because... I... JUST THINK WE SHOULD! Give me your keys.
JERRY
Why?
BOB
I just want to go look in your car. / Just to see what were dealing with.
JERRY
No. I dont want you to.
BOB
Jerry. Just give me the keys. I can handle it.
JERRY
No. I dont want you involved. /I never wanted to tell you anything.
BOB
No, we want to be involved.

13.
KAY
Of course.
JERRY
Its just you asked me about my shirt and I...I felt like you were judging me, and..and.
KAY

BOB
No, your shirt looks great. Jerry, just give
me the keys.

What, no!

JERRY
Why do you have to pry all the time?? Now youre an accomplice.
BOB
We dont care. Youre our son. And we want to help you.
KAY
Sure this is what we live for.
BOB
Give me the keys.
KAY
...Finally getting to talk and find out what youve been up to.
Jerry hands over the keys
JERRY
Its a little...messy.
BOB
Its alright. Great. Okay. Okay. Kay, do we have any of that stain removal stuff?
KAY
What? Oh. The Clean n Brite?
BOB
Yes.
KAY
In the garage, I think.

14.
BOB
Good. Im always after your mother about buying too much crap off the television, but
look at me. Jerry, look at me. You see the egg on my face? Huh? Good thing we have this
stuff when we need it.
KAY
Thats what I always say. Better to have it and not use it
KAY AND BOB
than not have it when you need it.
BOB
Alright. Now you just relax and...enjoy that...okay.
He leaves. Pause.
KAY
Well. Im glad youre dating again.
Beat.
Dont let this discourage you.
JERRY
Im sorry, mom.
KAY
Oh what are you sorry about?
JERRY
I dont know whats wrong with me.
KAY
There is nothing wrong with you. You are a beautiful bright young man. Youre just
going through a....
Was the date going alright? I mean, before...
JERRY
Yeah.
KAY
Good. Good. See? Youre so charming, women like you. What happened to Carol? You
liked her, / remember?

15.
JERRY
I killed her.
KAY
Oh. Well, never mind. About that. Then.

JERRY
Sorry.

JERRY
I can still live here, cant I?
KAY
What? Of course. Jerry listen to me. You can stay here for as long as it takes for you to get
back on your feet.
JERRY
Even though...
KAY
That doesnt matter. Youre son. And when it comes to choosing our son over some
random woman...
JERRY
Women.
KAY
Bob and I will always choose you. Always. Do you understand me?
JERRY
Thanks, mom. I love you.
KAY
I love you, Jerry. So so much.
Lights out.

Salome

_______________________
By Nick Jones

MAY 7, 2012

Nick Jones
12th St. #3R
Brooklyn, NY 11215
thewhizbang@gmail.com
Representation:
Mark Subias
SUBIAS Agency
mark@marksubias.com
212.445.109

Characters:
SALOME
JENNY
MITCH
SEAN
HERODIAS
JOHN
VULTURE
SCORPION
Setting: Contemporary Ancient Judea. A palace in the desert.

SCENE 1
The night after the fourteenth birthday of
SALOME, Princess of Judea. She is outside her
palace with JENNY, a friend from town.
SALOME
Oh god, Im so glad we got out there. My mom is just like so annoying, right?
JENNY
Well she was just offering me pizza.
SALOME
I know, but like for the five thousandth time. Its just because Mitch ordered too many. I
thought more people would come to my party.
JENNY
Well, you just moved to Judea. Not that many people know you.
SALOME
Yeah well so? Theyve heard of me, I bet. They know my stepdad is like the ruler of Judea,
so...whatever. He didnt ask you to dance for him, did you?
JENNY
Who? Your dad?
SALOME
My stepdad. Hes kind of weird. Just dont dance for him, okay? Ill be jealous. Just
kidding. Thats gross.
JENNY
Okay. Hey, do you have a pony?
SALOME
Yeah. Why?
JENNY
I heard your mom say you got a pony.
SALOME
Yeah, I have like tons of them. I get one like every birthday and so they just like take up
space in the stables and I dont even ride them anymore. I dont even know why they
bothered to bring them from Rome.

2.
JENNY
Oh, wow. If I had a pony Id, like, ride it to death.
SALOME
You can have one of mine.
JENNY
Really??
SALOME
Sure...Well, wait. Let me think about it....
SEAN, about the same age, enters.
SALOME
What do you want?
SEAN
Nothing. As if.
SALOME
Then why are you here?
SEAN
Why am I here? I dont know.
SALOME
Hes the gardeners son. Hes in love with me.
SEAN
No way. Whatever. Youre a freak.
SALOME
Then youre in love with Jenny.
JENNY
Salome!
SEAN
No way. Im not in love with anybody. Youre both freaks. Im out of here.
He doesnt leave.

3.
SALOME
Why are you still here then?
He starts to go.
SALOME
Wait. Im just playing with you, fool. You want to see something?
SEAN
No....What?
SALOME
Out in the desert, theres a guy who lives in our well.
JENNY
In the desert?
SALOME
Not far.
SEAN
Were not supposed to go near the well.
JENNY
Yeah and my mom says there are animals out in the desert.
SALOME
What? Are you scared?
SEAN
No.
JENNY
No.
SALOME
Then come on.
They approach the well. Small transition.
JENNY
Why is he in your well?
SALOME
Mitch put him there. Because he was talking shoot against my mom and because this palace
is so ghetto we dont even have a real, like, prison.

4.
JENNY
What did he say?
SALOME
I dont know.
SEAN
I do.
SALOME
You do not.
SEAN
Yes I do. He called your mother a W.
SALOME
A what?
SEAN
No. The other W word. Like a W From Babylon.
JENNY
Shh. Listen.
JOHN
One day a lion shall come. The lion who will be king. And the offenders of the...lord will
be cast into the deepest pit. The pit which is...the sky.
(John speaks with a stammer, represented by
ellipses)
SEAN
He sounds like a freak.
A SCORPION appears. His name is Ricky and
he wears a little top hat.
SCORPION
He is.
The children recoil.
SEAN
Whoa.

5.
JENNY
Look out.
SCORPION
Oh dont worry, I wont hurt you.
VULTURE
Neither will I.
SEAN
Whoa. A bird.
SALOME
Who are you? CUT
SCORPION
My name is Ricky.
VULTURE
And Im Leslie the Vulture. I know, its a girls name. The other vultures make fun of me
for that. Thats why I search for carrion at night, when I can do my own thing.
SALOME
But why are you here?
SCORPION
Oh no reason. We just like to listen to the crazy man ranting. Same as you.
JOHN
The day will come when...you will tremble before the....lion king!
As he stutters, the animals imitate him.
VULTURE
Oh man. Thats funny.
JENNY
Salome, lets go back.
SCORPION
Oh but why? Were just friendly animals. And we dont use foul language. Not like this
one.
VULTURE
Oh brother. You should hear the stuff that comes out of his mouth sometimes. W this. W
that. The Ws will burn in the flames of H.

6.
JOHN
The moon will turn red as blood.
VULTURE
Oh thats one, too. I love that one.
SCORPION
Hey, I dare one of you kids to spit on him.
JENNY
No. Salome, lets go.
SCORPION
What about you, big boy?
SEAN
I dont know.
SCORPION
You dont know what? Youre mumbling. Come closer.
SEAN
No. Youre going to sting me.
SCORPION
Im not going to sting you. Im nice. Look, I have a little hat on. Just like Jimminy Cricket..
JOHN
The Tetrarch is the fox who brings...perversity to Judea.
SEAN
Hes talking about your stepdad.
VULTURE
Yeah, quiet down there John. Have some m-m-m-manners. The daughter of the Tetrarch is
present.
JOHN
The daughter of the Tetrarch? The daughter of a....whore!
SCORPION
Oh!

VULTURE
Woo.

7.
JENNY
Salome lets go. I dont like that language. And its cold.
SALOME
Wait. Why do you think my mothers a W?
JOHN
Because she married her husbands brother.
SALOME
So? They got divorced. Lots of people get divorced.
JOHN
The children of inequity will be lost to the darkness. Your palace will crumble into the sea.
SALOME
What sea? Were in the middle of the desert.
VULTURE
Spit on him.
SCORPION
Yeah.
JENNY
No. Salome. Dont.
SALOME
What?
JENNY
I know who this is. His name is John. They say hes a prophet.
SALOME
Hes not a prophet. Prophets dont stutter. At least not prophets anyone cares about.
SCORPION
Yeah.
JOHN
I am but the tiger before the lion.
SALOME
Whatever. Youre a freak.
She spits.

8.
JENNY
No!
The moon turns red. Ominous sound padding.
JENNY
Oh no.
SALOME
What?
SEAN
The moon.
JENNY
It turned red.
SALOME
No it didnt.
JENNY
No, look at it. Its red. Red as blood.
Salome puts her phone on the ledge and looks at
the moon.
SALOME
Its just sort of pink. Stop being dramatic.
SEAN
Im cold. Im going in.
JENNY
Yeah, I--Im cold, too.
Sean and Jenny run away, leaving Salome
without a flashlight, in the dark. John climbs out
of the well.
SALOME
Oh come on. Why are you so chicken? Its not even red. Its pink. I think its pretty.
VULTURE
It is pretty, isnt it? Just like you, Salome.

9.
John grabs Salomes wrist. What?? He can get
out of the well? Salome screams.
JOHN
Daughter of a whore!
SALOME
(scream) Let go!
JOHN
The fires of hell await you unless /you repent before....God.
SALOME
Im sorry...Let me go! Let me go!
John is mad. He tries to hold fast to her wrist,
but Salome gets away.
JOHN
The wrath of god will fall on the house of Herod. And you will be driven back from this...
place. And then the lion will come to... Gallilee
VULTURE
Oh John. No one cares. Go crawl back in your hole.
They cackle.
SCENE 2
Salome returns to the palace and is met by her
mother, HERODIAS.
HERODIAS
Salome, where have you been? Why didnt you answer your phone?
SALOME
Oh my god, can I get in the door before you start yelling at me?!
HERODIAS
Where were you?
SALOME
Nowhere. Just chill out, alright? I was by the well, talking to John.

10.
HERODIAS
Youre not supposed to go near that well. I told you about that. Mitch. When are you going
to do something about that traitor in the well?
MITCH
I did do something. I put him in a well.
HERODIAS
Well its not safe. There are kids around. You need to execute him.
MITCH
Sure. Execute him. Lets just execute the man who the Jews think is a prophet. You see,
thats why women cant be leaders. Theyre too blood thirsty.
HERODIAS
He curses me. He curses you. Doesnt that mean anything to you?
SALOME
Whatever. Like nobody ever called you a W before.
HERODIAS
What?
SALOME
What? You are! Nobody elses mom around here marries their uncle. Dont you know
how weird that is?
MITCH
Were Romans. Were more liberal about things like that.
SALOME
Its embarrassing. And thats why nobody wanted to come to my party! Because my
moms a W!
She storms off.
HERODIAS
Say that letter one more time!
(to Mitch)
What are you looking at me like that? Why is this my fault? Youre the one who asks
children to dance for you.
MITCH
No I dont. I dont just ask children. I ask all kinds of people to dance for me. I asked the
gardener to dance for me the other night.

11.
SEAN
My dad.
MITCH
Yeah. He was wonderful. Say, do you need a ride home?
JENNY
I was spending the night.
MITCH
Oh good. Youre pretty.
JENNY
But, uh, maybe I should go.
MITCH
Oh well Ill give you a ride.
JENNY
Oh, its okay, I can, uh, walk.
MITCH
Are you sure?
JENNY
Yes, thank you for the party.
She exits.
MITCH
Wait, Jenny, do you have all of your stuff! You really shouldnt walk alone! Theres
animals out there. Some say there are...talking animals.
SEAN
Man is a talking animal. Because man is an animal.
They just look at him.
MITCH
Alright.
SCENE 3

12.
Salome is in her room, crying. The Vulture
appears in the window.
SALOME
Stupid B. I hate you.
VULTURE
Salome?
SALOME
Leslie. What are you doing here?
VULTURE
I heard you crying. I hate hearing my friends crying. Unless theyre crying because theyre
so happy.
SALOME
Im not. I hate it here. I miss Rome.
Scorpion enters with a slice of pizza.
VULTURE
Oh, well, its alright. Youre making friends.
SALOME
No I didnt. Jenny only came because shes poor and there was free pizza and cake. Shes
a gold digger.
SCORPION
Oh what a B.
VULTURE
Well, youll always have us. And John.
SALOME
John? Hes not my friend.
SCORPION
Sure he is. In fact, I think he could be more than a friend.
SALOME
What?
VULTURE
Oh yeah. Thats right. He was telling us pretty he thought you were. Pretty and pink, like
the moon.

13.
SALOME
Really? Well why did he act so scary and mean?
SCORPION
Oh, well, guys are complicated.
VULTURE
Yeah he was just testing you to see if you were serious enough for his holy love. The truth
is, John is really a Prince.
SALOME
A prince? I dont believe you.
VULTURE
No, its true. Why do you think he stays in the well when he can climb out?
SALOME
Because hes crazy?
VULTURE
Because hes waiting for love. Like a girl in a tower. But the opposite: a dude in a hole.
Song begins.
VULTURE
And you might be the Princess hes waiting for, Salome. And if you make yourself look
hot enough, you can go live with him in his magic kingdom.
SALOME
Where is that?
SCORPION
Far away. Where everything is perfect.
VULTURE
WHEN THE MAN PLAYS HARD TO GET
AND GOES DOWN IN A HOLE
THATS WHEN A LITTLE GIRL
NEEDS TO TAKE CONTROL
SCORPION
IF HE WONT LOOK AT YOU
CUZ HE THINKS THAT YOU ARE BAD
TURN YOURSELF INTO SOMETHING
SURE TO DRIVE HIM MAD

14.
BOTH
BE LIKE THE MOON
SHA NA NA NA
DANCING IN THE SKY
BE LIKE THE MOON
SHA NA NA NA
AND YOURE BOUND TO CATCH HIS EYE
Salome starts putting on makeup.
SCORPION
THE MOON IS BIG AND YELLOW
THE MOON IS ALWAYS THERE
WHEN THE MOON GETS HOT AND SEXY
THE MAN LOOKS UP AND STARES
VULTURE
YOU CAN GET THROUGH TO HIM
YOU CAN MAKE HIM YOURS
WHEN THE MAN SAYS COVER UP
HE MEANS SHOW ME MORE
BOTH
BE LIKE THE MOON
SHA NA NA NA
DANCING IN THE SKY
BE LIKE THE MOON
SHA NA NA NA
AND YOURE BOUND TO CATCH HIS EYE
SALOME
What do I do now?
SCORPION
Go put on the makeup.
SALOME
More?
SCORPION
Put it all on, girl.
VULTURE
BOUND TO CATCH HIS EYE

15.
She puts on an absurd amount of makeup.
SCORPION
Oh yeah, looking sexy girl. Hell have no choice but to fall in love with you.
VULTURE
BOUND TO CATCH HIS EYE
SCORPION
Now...lets go seduce that prophet.
SCENE 4
Salome returns to the well. John is praying some
distance away.
VULTURE
Oh good, look, hes out of the well. Hes praying.
SCORPION
Not for long. Go over there and act sexy.
SALOME
But I dont know how.
SCORPION
Improvise. Youve seen your mother have sex.
SALOME
No I havent.
SCORPION
(amazed)
Whaat?
VULTURE
Whaaat?
SCORPION
I dont understand human families.
VULTURE
Well talk about it later. Salome, go on.
Salome approaches John.

16.
JOHN
Whos there?
SALOME
Its me, Salome.
SCORPION
(whispering)
Be sexy.

VULTURE
(whispering)
Sexy.

JOHN
You should not...be here.
SCORPION
Sexier.

VULTURE
Sexier.
SALOME

But I wanted to see you.

SCORPION
Sexier. Talk in a baby doll voice.
SALOME
(in gross baby doll voice)
I couldnt stay away from you John.
SCORPION
Oh yeah!

VULTURE
Nice.

SALOME
John, look at me. Why wont you look at me?
JOHN
Because youre shining a flashlight in my face. Little girl. Listen to me.
SALOME
Im listening.
JOHN
You must repent for your sins. Before the....time of reckoning. There is a black night
foreseen. When death will blow through this desert like a cold wind...

17.
SALOME
Well then lets run away. I know your secret.
JOHN
What secret?
SALOME
You know. I know youre not what you appear to be. Kiss me.
JOHN
No. I have not eyes for your painted face.
SALOME
But dont you think Im pretty?
JOHN
I am sworn to God. I see now you are poisoned by inequity.
SALOME
No. Im not. Im poisoned by love.
He starts to go back in the well.
JOHN
You are enchanted. The spirits of darkness have enchanted you to destroy me.
SCORPION
Kiss him.
SALOME
No. Im good.
JOHN
You are wicked.
VULTURE
Kiss the man.
JOHN
Get...back. Daughter of a whore.
SALOME
No! John. Dont speak to me like that.
JOHN
Get back!

18.
SALOME
Wait. John, where are you going? You dont have to go in the well anymore. Ive freed
you. Now you have to free me. Isnt that what love is all about?
JOHN
(in well)
I love only....god.
SALOME
Well I can love god, too. Teach me about him. Isnt that what youre supposed to do?
Teach people things? John, youre being not fair.
(to animals)
Whats wrong? I thought you said hed like me.
SCORPION
Im sorry, Salome. We must have been wrong about him.
SALOME
What?
VULTURE
He must be gay.
SALOME
But thats impossible. If hes a holy man.
VULTURE
Well, then maybe youre just too fat for him.
SALOME
What?
The animals laugh at her.
SALOME
John! John, you come out of that well and look at me! John! You take me to your magic
kingdom or I will have you executed. Dont you dare disobey me.
VULTURE
Ah, Salome. There is no magic kingdom. We were just joking.
SALOME
What?
SCORPION
Hes never going to fall for you. Hes only interested in God.

19.
SALOME
You tricked me?
SCORPION
Oh we were just joking. Cant you take a joke?
SALOME
No. I dont care. Nobody treats me like that. I will make him mine.
SCORPION
No, Salome. Hes never going to love you. Not for all the pizza and cake in the world.
SALOME
Shut up.
SCORPION
But its true. Come on, we can find /something else to--SALOME
I said SHUT UP!!
She grabs a rock and smashes the scorpion with
it, killing him. Salome goes back to the well.
VULTURE
R-ricky...
SCORPION
(dying)
Oh Leslie, I see God. We were so wrong. We were so wrong.
SALOME
John, what is it? Whats wrong with me? Why wont you look at me? Is it because Im
Roman? Because thats prejudice. Youre a bigot, John. And Im going to tell everyone
youre a bigot. And nobody will like you.
She begins to cry.
MITCH
Salome.
Mitch appears.
MITCH
Whats going on? What are you doing out here?

20.
SALOME
I dont know.
MITCH
Salome, what have you done to your face?
SALOME
Dont you like it?
MITCH
(almost laughing)
No.
SALOME
Get away.
MITCH
Oh-whoa-whoa. Hey, no I like it. Yeah, now that I can see, yeah thats...great.. Now
whats going on?
SALOME
I thought John liked me but he didnt like me.
MITCH
Oh. But Salome. Youre a Princess. Hes a homeless Jew. Youre better than him.
SALOME
I know. But I thought if he made me his girlfriend hed take me to his magic kingdom.
MITCH
What?
SALOME
Thats what the vulture said.
MITCH
Oh.
(turning to him)
Leslie.
The vulture is now eating the scorpion.
VULTURE
Ricky. Im going to eat you now, little buddy. Because its what you wouldve wanted.
And because theres nothing else to eat.

21.
MITCH
Id kill that bird if he wasnt so beautiful. Now come here. Are you cold?
He holds her.
SALOME
Its my birthday. The worst birthday ever.
MITCH
Well I know. But itll be better next time. Next year, Ill issue a decree: every child between
the ages of 12-14 has to come to Princess Salomes birthday, under pain of death and
dismemberment.
SALOME
(sniffling, cheered up)
Thanks, Mitch.
MITCH
There you go. And next year, two ponies.
SALOME
I dont want any ponies. Im not a little girl.
MITCH
Oh no. You look like a little girl to me. A pretty little girl. Pretty as the moon. Hey...you
know what might make you feel better?
SALOME
What?
MITCH
If you shook out some of those bad feelings with some dancing. Hey? Its been a while.
SALOME
Mommy says I shouldnt dance for you anymore.
MITCH
Why?
SALOME
She says its inappropriate.
MITCH
Well mommy doesnt like physical activity. And I paid for all those ballet lessons.

22.
HERODIAS
(off)
Mitch.
Herodias enters, with Sean.
HERODIAS
What are you doing out here? What are you doing with /Salome?
MITCH
Nothing. Parenting. I was just taking her to bed. Her bed.
HERODIAS
Were you asking her to dance for you?
MITCH
No. Not for me. For her. For her health. Because its healthy and aerobic.
HERODIAS
I told you. I dont want you asking her to dance. Slake your lust on a slave if you must, but
dont touch my daughter. Salome, what have you done to your face? Did you/make her...
MITCH
No! I didnt make her do anything. She put it on for the prophet.
HERODIAS
The prophet? Salome, what are you thinking?
SALOME
I thought I loved him.
HERODIAS
You see? I told you something like this would happen. You cant just have a man in a well
spouting the garbage he spouts and not expect something like this to happen.
JOHN
Whores from Babylon. /Make peace now, for you are damned.
HERODIAS
Thats nice.
MITCH
(going to the well)
John. John, watch the language please.

23.
JOHN
You are damned.
MITCH
Darned. We are darned!
HERODIAS
You hear that? You hear that language? Its no wonder she acts out.
MITCH
Well what do you want?
HERODIAS
I want you to execute him.
MITCH
I cant. People will get upset.
HERODIAS
What people?
MITCH
You know, people. People!
HERODIAS
Oh grow a spine!
MITCH
I have a spine! Its just...also...what if he really is...?
HERODIAS
What? Touched by God? Hes the village idiot, Mitch. No one will remember him.
MITCH
(softly)
Fine.
HERODIAS
Whats more important, the village idiot or our daughter?
MITCH
Fine.
HERODIAS
(continuous)
...And what if some kid trips and falls down in there with him. /You cant just...

24.
MITCH
FINE! I said FINE. Ill execute him. Ill cut his damn head off! Darn head off. Because he
called you a W...
HERODIAS
Good....
MITCH
..No no, not because he called you a W. Because he was mean to Salome. Because thats
the only reason Im doing this.
HERODIAS
Fine.
JOHN
The moon will turn red as blood.
HERODIAS
Come on, Salome. You shouldnt have to listen to this nonsense.
SALOME
Mitch?
MITCH
What?
SALOME
Will you show me his head, so I can see his face one last time?
HERODIAS
Salome!
SALOME
What?
HERODIAS
Youre just a kid!
MITCH
No shes not. Shes the Princess. And the Princess gets what she wants. Ill bring you his
head. On a silver platter. With some cheese and crackers. Now you two go in. Im going to
stay out here a little longer. I like listening to him.
HERODIAS
Im not surprised.

25.
Salome and Herodias exit. Sean stays.
MITCH
What are you doing?
SEAN
I dont know.
MITCH
Then stay. I dont care. Leslie, would you cut it out with the crying?
VULTURE
But you dont understand. He was my friend.
MITCH
I dont care. Its depressing.
VULTURE
No. You dont understand. Im crying because he tastes so good.
MITCH
Oh.
JOHN
Soon, from the desert shall walk a lion. As I have been a tiger, the lion shall be a lion,
and... roar.
MITCH
Too bad about that stutter. Otherwise, he couldve been a great prophet. Youre the
gardeners son, right?
SEAN
Yeah.
MITCH
Not sure why we have a gardener. Since everything is just sand and rock. Appearances, I
guess.
SEAN
Yeah.
MITCH
Say, you wouldnt want to dance for me, would you?
SEAN
Dance?

26.
MITCH
Sure, you know, dance.
SEAN
Oh. Uh...Okay.
Sean begins to dance, cautiously at first.
MITCH
This has turned out to be a strange night. Not at all what I expected. Perhaps the moon is to
blame. Makes women crazy, you know.
SEAN
The moon is weird.
MITCH
Weird? Why?
SEAN
I dont know.
MITCH
Yes, I suppose the moon is quite...super weird. Tonight its weird and pink. Pink as...
SEAN
Blood.
MITCH
Whatever you say. Just keep dancing.
Sean keeps dancing as the lights fade.
End of Play