Myfatherfirmlybelievesthatfirstimpressionsareeverything.

Infact,asabachelor,
hedecidedwhethertomarryagirlbythethirddate,andsometimesinthefirstfiveminutes.
InformedbyKoreanconservativevaluesasmuchashisparentsarrangedmarriage,he
believedthatthetraditionalfamilywasthebasicbuildingblockofsocietysinstitution.His
parentsweresetuptomarryinordertomaintainsocialorderandharmony;therefore,my
fatherhadthenotionthatamanonlymeetsawomantowed.Watchinghisfatherfinancially
supportandmaintainhisfamilyoffive,asaboy,myfatherfeltaninstincttobuildhisown
familyandsustainhisfamilyroot.
Duringthe1990sinKorea,blinddateswerethenormformateselection;thus,after
earninghiscollegedegreeatage30,myfathersoughtawifewhosharedhisinstitutional
idealsofmarriagetoorganizetheirlivesbeyondindividualsatisfactionandneeds.Afterhis
thirddatewithmymother,hedecidedtomarryherandproposedontheseventhdate.Luckily,
mymotherfeltthesamewayatage26.Shesoughtacollegeeducatedhusbandwholivedin
thecityandhadagoodfamilybackground.Oncetheymarried,myfatherpromisedher
economicstability,moralstabilityandchildrearing.Hefelttheneedtoprovideherwiththese
securitiesbecausetheybothperceivemarriageasasteppingstoneevent,likefulfillingasocial
role.Infact,sincethe1960s,marriagehasbeenanormativegoalamongtheeducatedupper
middleclass.
Sincemiddleschool,Koreanconventionalnormsprimedmymothertowantherown
familyandbeagoodwifeandmother.However,inthebackdropofherinstitutionalmarriage
withmyfather,acompanionateformofmarriageemerged.Indeed,StephanieCoontz,author
ofMarriage,aHistory,statesthatacompanionatemarriageisembeddedintheoldorderof
things,anditwasinthemid90sthatcompanionateideasbegantobeconsideredasthe
Kim1

guidinginfluenceofmarriage.Perhaps,theculturalshiftofmarriageideashaveshapedher
mixedvaluesofmarriage.Althoughshekeenlytookonthetraditionalhousewiferole,what
mostappealedtoheraboutmarriagewasestablishingherownfamilysupportsystem.Forher,
marriagewasprimarilyaboutbeingwithapartnerforcompanionatelovethanforeconomic
stability.Marriagewasnotjustawaytohavekids,butkidswerepartofacompanionate
marriage.Marriagealsobecameherprimarysourceofhappiness:Withoutmarriage,youwill
getlonely.Focusingonyourcareerisntimportantifyoudonthavesomeonetorelyon,she
preaches.Anemotionalbondiscentraltocompanionshipandfriendship,whichsupplements
herpointthataffectionismoreimportantthansocietalobligations.
Initially,myfathermarriedforinstitutionalreasonsthatwerewovenintothefabricof
Koreanmaritalvalues;however,hisviewofmarriageshiftedwiththeexperienceofmarriage.
Hereminisceshowbeforekidscamealong,theyprioritizedemotionalsupportandhappiness
asacouple;theirmarriageservedtheneedsofthehusbandandthewifemorethantheneeds
ofsociety.Butoncetheyhadkids,theirprioritieschanged.Theirmaritallivesfocusedon
childrensneedsandfulfillingtraditionalgenderroles.Accordingly,mymotherretiredfrom
herdirectorpositionofaMontessoriSchoolinordertonurtureherchildrenandfulfill
houseworkduties,whilemyfathermadebigcareerdecisionstomoveoutofKoreaand
providehischildrenwiththebesteducationalopportunitiesoverseas.Eventhoughtheyhave
returnedtomoretraditionalgenderrolessince,asanuppermiddleclasscouple,theyareable
torecognizethatanegalitariandivisionofhouseholdlaborisabettermodelofmarriage.
Remarkably,thereseemstobeadisconnectbetweenwhattheythinkandwhattheydo;my
parentscontinuetofulfilloldfashionedvaluesaboutfamily,butbelieveinmoreliberalviews
ofmarriageandfamilylife.

Myfatherclaimsthatmarriageactsasavitamin,andmymotheragreesthatbeingin
acommittedrelationshiphasmitigatedlifehardshipsasithasbeenabuffertostress.Ithas
alsoequippedmyfatherwithconflictresolutionandcommunicationskillsthathavehelped
himsucceedinhiscareer.Duringthepasttwentyyears,theirmanyargumentsandinteractions
havetaughtthemtotakeonnewperspectives,expressmoreempathy,andmakemore
thoughtfuldecisions.Forthesakeoftheirchildren,theylearnedtoengageinmorevalidating
interactionsthatembodytrustandhonesty.Essentially,asrelationshipsmature,partners
acquireskillstobemoreemotionallyintelligent.Furthermore,becausethepreconditionofa
successfulargumentistrust,myparentswereabletoenduremaritalproblemsandfindit
easiertotoleratenegativeemotionsandcriticism.
Withtheexperienceofbeingahusbandandafather,newvaluesaboutlifeemerged.
Myfathernarrates:Beforemarriage,lifewassimplyaboutsurvivalandsatisfyingbasic
needs,untilIrealizedthatlifewasaboutexperiencinglifemomentwithfamilyinamarital
context.Hearguesthatmarriageisatoolawaytobehappybutitisnotanormfor
everyone.Exposedtomanydivorcestoriesinhiscommunitythathavesuggestedanerosion
oflifelongmarriage,herealizedthatmarriageasaninstitutionisweakerthanafewdecades
ago.Infact,marriagehasbecomeprimarilyapersonalcontractbetweentwoequalsseeking
love,stability,andhappinesssincethe1970s;thisnewdefinitionhadallowedunhappy
couplestodivorceandnearlyhalfofallcouplesdid.
Myparentsunderstandthatdissolvedmarriageshaveprofoundpsychologicaldistress
onchildren.Mymotherstronglyopposesdivorcebyadding,youcanalwaysfindlovein
someoneelse,butyoucannotgiveanewfathertoachild.Herveryconventionalviewsof
familylifeandmarriagealsoexplainsherstancethattwopartnersshouldnotcohabitatebefore
marriage,especiallybecausecohabitationisawaytoorganizeonessexlife.Myparentsboth
Kim3

subscribetothecommonvaluesofthe1960swhentherewasastigmaonsexualintercourse
beforemarriage.Inaddition,becausetheycomefromaneducatedbackground,they
understandthatitisunstabletohavechildrenwithoutmarriage.
Incontrasttomyparents,whobelievethatonlymarriagecanofferthelongterm
emotionalsupportandcommitmentthatchildrearingrequires,Kelly,a19yearoldstudentat
VassarCollege,believesmarriageisnotabsolutelynecessarytobearchildren.Instead,she
believesthepurposeofmarriageistogainsocietalrights,nottoraisechildren.Clearly,she
doesnotsubscribetotheinstitutionofmarriageanddeemsmarriageassalvageableasan
institutionthatneedsreformratherthanelimination.Sheacknowledgesthatmarriageisan
everclassedinstitutionthatprovidesmanybenefitsontheideathattheholiestunionis
betweentwopeople,namelyamanandawomen,butarguesthatoursocietyneedsto
recognizeothertypesofrelationships.Indeed,thereseemstobenotypicalfamiliestoday,no
stereotypeofanuclearunit.Divorcedparents,unwedmothersandadoptinghomosexualshave
changedtheportraitofparenthood.Andtheemergenceoffeminisminthe19thcentury
transformeddomesticlifeduetoeconomicrealitiesthathasforcedmothersintothework
placeandoutofthekitchen.
Essentially,Kellychampionsothertypesofrelationshipsandhouseholdsbecauseshe
wasprimarilyraisedbyhermotherandheraunt.Thatbeingsaid,sheagreeswithmyparents
thatafundamentalthingtodoinlifeistohavechildren,butshedoesnotbelieveitnecessarily
hastobewithonepartnerinthecontextofatraditionalmaritalrelationship.Kellycontends,
whenyoubecomeaparent,yourlifebecomesconsumedwithchildren.Youcantprioritize
yourcareeroryourromanticlife.Lifehastobeaboutparentalloveforchildren,andyoudont
needtobeinamaritalrelationshiptoraisechildren.Fromherexperience,shefavorsplatonic
lovetoromanticlovebecausewhentwofriendsraisechildrenbasedonmutualrespectand

sharedvalues,theyfosterahappyfamily.Comparably,myparentsbelievethatasyouage,
lovechangesmoretoafriendship.Notably,theirideasofmarriagehavebecomeevenmore
aboutcompanionshipandsupport.Inthesamewaymyparentsbelieveloveistrustand
sacrifice,Kellydefinesloveasrespectandtrust.Theymaycomefromdifferentgenerations,
buttheyallattributetheideaoflovetotrustandhonesty,whicharethemostcommon
prototypesoflove.
Asachildofdivorce,Kellyhasemulatedherparentspoorcommunicationand
conflictresolutionskillsontoherownrelationships.Throughoutherhighschoolrelationships,
shedemonstratedpoorcommunicationskillsbyrepressingherfeelings,whichreallyhindered
herrelationships.Atthesametime,shereflectsthatfilmsandotherpeoplesidealsmolded
herstoryofloveandthetypeofrelationshipshehadinhighschool.Herrelationshipswere
basedontimelimits:atthreemonthssayIloveyou,atsixmonthshavesex,andsoon.But
then,shecametocollegeanddiscoveredfeminism,whichtaughthertovalueherselfasthe
mostimportantpersoninherlife.Hernextrelationshipwaswithherself,whichhasbeena
lifelongloveaffair,andthemostimportantofall.HerexpertiseonWomenStudieshas
givenherasenseofindependence.Whilesheacknowledgestheimpactofexpressive
individualismonmarriageasaninstitution,shebelievesmarriagehaschanged,butnot
necessarilyfortheworse.AgreeingwiththeMaritalResilienceHypothesis,shebelieveswe,
asindividuals,havenotbecomeexcessivelyselfishorindividualistic.
EventhoughKellyrecognizesthatraisingchildrenrequiressupportand
companionship,attheendoftheday,shewantstobewithsomeonethatallowshertogrow
andchange;forKelly,lifeisaboutselfawarenessandselfexpression.Sheevenmanifestsan
individualisticperspectivewhenconsideringtheincreaseofmaritalquality.Shebelieves
maritalqualityincreaseswhentwopeoplehaveseparatespaceswheretheycanenjoyseparate
Kim5

recreationalactivities,sotheydonotsuffocate.Essentially,doingseparateactivitiesentails
bettercommunicationbecausepartnersselfreflect,andareabletolearnfromeachothers
differentexperiences.KellysviewonmarriageparallelstheargumentmadeinTheHappy
MarriageistheMeMarriagebyTaraParkerPope:marriageshouldpromoteindividualism
becauseitismoreconsistentwithwhatpeoplewant.Thearticlenotesthatmarital
commitmentoftendeclinesbecausehappinessisnotinherentinthespouse,butKellythinks
divorceispartofgrowingandrecognizingwhenthepartnerisnothelpingyoubethebest
versionofyourself.
Kellybelievespassionateloveisnotenoughtosustainamarriage,justasmyparents
agree.Infact,theintegrationbetweenloveandmarriagewereoncewidelyregardedas
destabilizing,evenifmostculturesunderstoodthatpassionateloveexisted.Iflovecould
growoutof[amarriage],thatwaswonderful,"saysCoontz,"Butthatwasgravy."Eveniflove
growsoutofaplatonicrelationship,Kellybelieveslovechangesandyouhavetoletyourself
changewithitandnotbeobsessedwithkeepingitthesame.Shefirmlybelievesshewill
divorce,ifamarriagenolongermakesherhappy.Kellyclaimsthatbeinginamarriageis
aboutbeinginateam,butifthatteambecomesawarzone,thenitistimefordivorce.Asa
childofdivorce,shestronglybelievesitishealthiertogetdivorcedthanstaytogetherinan
unhappymarriage.Perhaps,herparentsinfluencedhernotionthatdivorceisanacceptable
solutiontoanunhappymarriage,whichexplainsherlowthresholdfordivorce.Shenow
wishesherparentsdivorcedearlier,becausethroughouttheirunhappymarriage,theycaused
herimmensepain.Ifitsnotrightforyou,itsnotrightforthekidstostaymarried.An
unhappymarriagecantmakeupforhappyparents,andoften,unhappyparentscreate
unhappychildren,Kellygrimlyresponds.

Notonlydoesshefavordivorce,butshealsosupportscohabitationbeforemarriage.
Shestronglybelievesthatinordertosetupapositiveenergyinyourlivingspace,youneedto
assessyourpartnerandthesuitabilityforlongtermliving.Sheseemsverycautiousabout
mateselectionassheconsidersitathoroughprocess.Herlessconventionalviewson
cohabitationalignswiththerecentincreaseincohabitationintheUnitedStatesofallgroups.
Ultimately,Kellysriskofdivorceseemshighnotonlybecausecohabitationhasgrownmore
conventional,butalsobecauseKellysparentsfosteredlaxviewsonmarriageanddivorce.
AlthoughKellyfacesaparadoxoftoomanychoices,suchascohabitation,marriage,
anddivorce,sheidentifiesmarriageasacapstoneeventthatisamarkerofaccomplishment.
Kellyreckonsthatfirstcomestheself,thencomesbeingagoodpartner,thenfinallybeinga
goodparent.Sheadmitsthatmarriageisadesirablewaytolivewhenyouareeconomically
andemotionallystable.Inallhonestythough,sheconfessesthatsheisafraidofhowher
future,intermsofmarriage,children,andpartnership,willunravel.Whilemyparents
concludemarriageasasignificantsourceofhappinessthatensuresthepropersocializationof
childrenandprovidesanemotionalandsexualsupportformarriedcouples,Kellyisultimately
confusedaboutloveandmarriage.Eventhoughsheisanempoweringandintelligent
individual,sheisneverthelessachildofdivorce.Allsheissureofisthatshewillchoosea
highlyeducatedpartnerwithfeministvalues,whowillultimatelybringthebestoutofher.
Correspondingly,myparentshavepursuedpartnerswithsimilareducationlevelsand
status,whichhavebeengreatdecidersoftheirmateselection,incomes,anddivorcerisk.My
ownideaofmarriageandfamilylifehavebeendeeplyaffectedbywhatIhavewitnessedin
myparentsmarriageasImatured;therefore,myvaluesaresimilartothoseofmyparents.I
feeltheneedtofitintothebigsocialpowerIcomefrom,andaspiretoestablishatraditional
familytoraisechildrenandfeeleconomically,emotionally,andsexuallysecure.Butinother
Kim7

aspects,IviewmyselfasanindividualistlikeKelly;Iwillconsiderdivorceifmypartner
hindersmefrombeingabletogrowandchangeasanindividual.ButbecauseIbelievechange
isconstantandeveryrelationshipmapsondifferentkindsoflove,mymaritalandfamily
futurewilldependontherelationshipIamcommittedtoaswellastheculturalcircumstances
ofthegiventime.

WorksCited
Charuvastra,Anthony."ChildrenofDivorce."CourseLectures.United
States,NewYorkCity.
"InterviewwithKelly."Inpersoninterview.15Mar.2013.
"InterviewwithParents."Telephoneinterview.18Mar.2013.
Parkerpope,Tara."TheHappyMarriageIsthe'Me'Marriage."The
NewYorkTimes.02Jan.2011.TheNewYorkTimes.20Mar.2013
<http://nytimes.com/2011/01/02/weekinreview/02parkerpope.html>.

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