A Soshi Christmas Carol

by
Saradolimz & Auratus

Table of Contents
_____________
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.
21.
22.
23.
24.
25.
26.
27.

Evening..............................................................................................................1
Past.....................................................................................................................9
Present..............................................................................................................29
Future: Jessica..................................................................................................56
Future: Sooyoung.............................................................................................66
Future: Krystal.................................................................................................96
Interlude.........................................................................................................128
Morning: Walk...............................................................................................141
Morning: Call.................................................................................................156
Morning: Sun.................................................................................................160
Morning: Drive..............................................................................................171
Morning: Arrival............................................................................................186
Morning: Departure........................................................................................196
Morning: Commencement.............................................................................219
Interlude: The Second....................................................................................224
Morning: Makeover.......................................................................................227
Morning: Calamity.........................................................................................242
Morning's End: First Movement....................................................................252
Morning's End: Second Death........................................................................259
Morning's End: Third Degree........................................................................271
Morning's End: Four Cornered......................................................................277
Morning's End: Fifth Element........................................................................284
Morning's End: Sixth Sign.............................................................................294
Morning's End: Seventh Circle......................................................................300
Morning's End: Eight Hours..........................................................................310
Christmas: Nine Hearts..................................................................................317
Christmas: One Love.....................................................................................328

1. Evening

aeyeon Kim, CEO of Apex Advertising, looked up in annoyance when a

knock sounded on her door. She threw a quick glance at the wall clock.
Eight. Miriam, her secretary, was gone for the day. Stupid woman with
her stupid cats. Taeyeon's mouth opened in silent, sneering mimicry of
the missing secretary, mouthing, 'Must get home to feed my lovelies,' instead of
guarding the door like she should be doing.
Taeyeon made a note on a legal pad. Fire the cat loving idiot, hire someone
without pets.
Another knock sounded. Taeyeon narrowed her eyes. It wouldn't be the
custodial staff, they came by at nine. Most of the ingrates who worked in the office
were probably gone, so who could be bothering her? She cast a glance back at the
spreadsheet she was working on. The monthlies. This month's financials were
down two percent from last year. Decembers were always bad, when people would
rather do anything but work. Stupid holidays and stupid holiday pay, but down two
percent in a year that had seen Apex Advertising grow almost five percent?
The spreadsheet behind that one was even worse. The human resources
report for healthcare expenditures, specifically the list of employees who were the
worst expenditures and one name stood higher on that list than the next ten people
combined. Jessica Jung. Why, the stupid woman must spend her entire pay on
healthcare deductibles! Even though the company's healthcare plan was averaged
across the entire workforce, Apex was small enough that Jung's ridiculous
spending could affect what Apex paid for everyone. Did Jung only think of
herself? Taeyeon snorted. Of course the woman did so. Everyone did the same.
Only she, Taeyeon Kim, kept this company afloat and pointed forward, sailing into
the black. Not that anyone else appreciated that fact. Well, she didn't need
appreciation, just diligence and hard work from everyone out there and the
requisite solitude in here with which to complete the monthlies.
Another knock sounded and Taeyeon hissed silently in annoyance. Whoever
was at her office door wasn't taking silence for an answer. Fine. With more than a
hint of asperity Taeyeon called out, "What is it?"
The door opened hesitantly, as if the person behind it knew the thin ice she
was treading on. Taeyeon scowled. Was it too much to ask the little she expected
from her employees? She merely expected everyone to understand that work was
work, and it needed doing. Out there. Time away from desks was money not being
1

made for the company and that was as good as a crime in her eyes. She always set
a firm example, arriving on the dot at six in the morning, eating her sandwich at
her desk, and leaving no earlier than nine every evening, when the vacuum
cleaning and floor waxing and trash disposal happened. She'd had quite the row
with the building's owner about that. There were plenty of hours in the night, after
all.
Yelling more than once, 'It is hardly conducive to business to have to pack
up so early!' onto deaf ears. Because this was New York City. The Big Unionized
Apple. Everyone who worked on the building's custodial staff was unionized. The
people who changed the light bulbs were unionized! And the union wanted their
people out by midnight. Bah! Did a janitor need a curfew? In New York City,
apparently so.
The door was opening slower than the stock market's rise of late and that put
an even sharper edge on her tongue when she barked, "Come in! Come in, already!
What is it?"
A blonde head nervously peeked around, straight blonde hair, pale face.
Well, the very devil herself, Jessica Jung. The woman ducked her head in greeting
and stepped in, apology written in her posture. Taeyeon held a sigh. The woman
did look sickly; wan, tired, her clothing frumpy and forgettable. Still, Jung was
costing the company nearly ten thousand dollars a month with her ridiculous
medical expenditures and it didn't look as if it were doing her health much good at
all. Preposterously wasteful! Jung was probably one of those hypochondriacs,
obsessively worrying about whatever daily health scare the newspapers invented
for a gullible public in order to stay relevant.
Taeyeon never read anything but the business section and discarded most of
that for the sensationalist pyramid schemes and gambling it was. As well rummage
through the entrails of a goat as look for investment strategies in the stock pages.
Everyone thought money was easy, that there was some simple trick to making it.
Well, there was. It was called work.
Bah!
Hands clasped in front of her, Jung looked up at her and started stuttering.
"E-Excuse me, ma'am, but I wanted t-to let you know... " the woman swallowed,
her voice trailing off, eyes wide, like an animal about to be run over.
Taeyeon sniffed. She'd been told she had something of a gimlet stare. She let
her glittering eyes drop back to her computer screen. Weak simpleton couldn't talk
when someone was looking? What sort of leadership skill did that speak of? How
was Jung even a project leader? "Let me know what?" Was the world simply full
2

of incompetents? Or was it just her employees? This Jessica Jung, alliteration

aside, was as forgettable as last week's lunch. Interrupting her. Bothering her.
Didn't Jung understand that she was wasting time? Precious time. "Well? Out with
it!"
The woman jumped in her peripheral vision and more stuttering followed.
"T-The project f-files are c-complete."
Project files? Ah, the Henderson account. A spot of good news. A new
account, new revenue that could be booked this year. And there was a hard
deadline for it, Monday. And here it was, Friday evening. Not late, technically, but
cutting it close. Taeyeon had built in several hours of slack into the project plan
and Jung's team had used every minute of it. Sooyoung was the problem. Too soft,
to caring. Couldn't she understand that procrastination was not to be tolerated?
"And you're telling me this, why?"
"The presentations can't-- The printing office is-- everyone's gone home
already."
Taeyeon blinked. An excuse, when the answer was as obvious as the nose on
her face? She said the words slowly, almost grating them out. "Then. Come. In.
Tomorrow."
"I-I can't and t-the office manager won't be in t-tomorrow... "
"Jung, I do not have time for your stuttering. What is this about not being
here?"
"I'm s-sorry. I h-have to go to the hospital tomorrow."
"Excuse me?"
"I-I-It's my sis-- "
"I don't care who or what it is or what sort of illness it is that you think you
have. You will be here tomorrow or you will no longer be employed at this firm
come Monday."
"You don't under-- "
"I don't need to understand. I pay you to work. There is work to be done.
You're salaried, not some hourly, unionized clock-puncher. Do I make myself
clear?" Taeyeon looked at the woman again, daring her to continue with her
ridiculous statements.
Jessica felt paralyzed. Krystal... It was all for Krystal. She swallowed and
nodded. "Y-yes, ma'am. I'll be in tomorrow." Christmas Eve.
"Be on your way then." Taeyeon sniffed. Two minutes of her time taken up
by this simpleton. Did no one understand the value of time anymore?
The door clicked shut and rapid footsteps led away. Taeyeon went back to
3

her spreadsheet, dismissing the disturbance from her mind. And then another
knock sounded. Oh, for the love of money!
"What?!"
The door opened promptly and a grinning face appeared, quite a bit higher
than the last visitor's. "Knew you'd be here." Sooyoung Choi. Her partner, the
president of the company and resident bleeding heart.
"You. What are you doing here? Don't you go home at five?" Five. Five PM.
Madness. Laziness running rampant through the world!
"Ah. I was just going through my work flow reports. Lost track of time."
Uninvited, Soo walked in on her long legs and plopped herself down in one
of the office chairs, facing Taeyeon across her desk. How the woman could be so
stubborn and long-leggedly graceful when she model thin and annoying.
Wait. Eight PM and Soo was still here? Taeyeon narrowed her eyes. No. Not
hardly. Sooyoung was never one to stay late. They'd been partners for almost five
years now, starting fresh out of university. Hard work, long hours, but somewhere
along the way Sooyoung had lost some of the hunger for success, when the hard
fact was that a business, especially a start up like Apex, didn't survive without
dedication from its employees and especially from its management. Sooyoung had
given more and more control over daily operations to Taeyeon's willing hands
because Taeyeon understood what it took to succeed. That and Sooyoung was
always running about with her charity work. Did the city's homeless and bums and
addicts need an advertising executive on their side? Sooyoung seemed to think so.
What was next? Orphans? Taeyeon sighed inwardly.
Still, for Sooyoung to be here so late, the woman wanted something. It
wouldn't do for Soo to try and inveigle her in one of her charity projects. Taeyeon
didn't have the time. Using her most neutral voice Taeyeon carefully said, "I see."
"What are you doing Sunday?"
Sunday? "What I do every Sunday, Soo. Work."
The tall woman clucked and shook her head, "Taeyeon, Taeyeon. You're
going to work yourself into an early grave."
Taeyeon kept her gaze on the computer screen. Hopefully Soo would get the
message. Go away. "I do what I have to."
"Do you? The firm is doing great. We've landed four new accounts just this
last month. It's been a banner year for us, Taeyeon."
You noticed? "Accounts that won't book any revenue until next year. And
you think that means we can slack now?"
"Oh, give me a break. Better yet, give yourself one. Let's enjoy this
4

weekend, Taeyeon."
"You stayed late to ask me this?"
Looking at the humorless figure, Sooyoung almost rolled her eyes. Taeyeon
was a nice person... if she'd ever realize it. Sooyoung reached into her clutch and
pulled out a flat, gift-wrapped box which she placed on the desk. "Merry
Christmas, old bean. I came in here to invite you to the party at my house, same as
I do every year. But you never come. So this year, I thought I'd give you your
Christmas present early."
Taeyeon looked at the present and blinked, flustered. Christmas. Well, yes, it
was. Because it showed that on the spreadsheet. A holiday and then another a week
later. Madness. Celebrate rank commercialism followed by collective public
drunkenness for the turning of the calendar? Joy. "You know what I think about
the holiday. It's just another day, and a wasteful one at that."
Sooyoung grimaced openly at the little ogre. Taeyeon had the social graces
of an avocado. That much hadn't changed through the years. "Taeyeon, when are
you going to realize that life is more than just the office? When are you going to...
enjoy what work has earned you? Remember college? After the tests, we'd go out
and laugh and relax."
Taeyeon's face didn't waver. She remembered the awkwardness of being
dragged out by her tall partner, standing or sitting uncomfortably with a watered
down drink in hand, mumbling something whenever someone tried to engage her
in mindless conversation. Who had time for that? College had passed in a blur.
She'd done well in school. She'd done what needed doing. Working at her grades,
her classes, her jobs. Once upon a time, Sooyoung had been just as driven, but
looking at her now, Taeyeon felt her decision confirmed. It was time for Sooyoung
to give up her position at the office. She wasn't responsible enough, dependable
enough. Soo just didn't know it yet.
"I'll see you Monday, early."
"Oh, right, the Henderson thing."
"Speaking of which, you know Jessica Jung?"
"She's lead on that one, isn't she? She's good. A brilliant head for ideas."
"I'm going to fire her after the presentation."
"Huh? But why?"
"She doesn't have her priorities straight and she's a drain on the company."
"But she's the one who came up with the peas. Everyone loves the peas!"
"Please. Peas? What kind of mascot is that?"
"You approved it."
5

"Because the client chose it. I sell them what they want. Anyway, she's
costing the company money."
"She makes the company money! Taeyeon, really, we're an ad agency. We
sell... ideas. Interest. Buzz. You can't just manufacture those things. They're... "
"What?"
"Inspiration. Soul. Vision! Your accounting degrees are about hard numbers
and business projections, not wit and catchy lines and tunes a person hums without
knowing she is."
"My accounting degrees are what keep this company in the black. We
divided the responsibilities and human resources is my bailiwick, remember? We
can hire someone younger, cheaper and healthier who can think up vegetable
mascots and things to hum."
"Healthier? Is she sick? She never misses a meeting."
"I have no idea." Taeyeon paused, shaking her head. "Look, I don't care. But
she was trying to take tomorrow off when we have a deadline on Monday! That
can't be tolerated."
"It's a Saturday, woman. People normally have off Saturdays. And it is
Christmas Eve!"
"Why do I even talk to you?"
"Look, fine. You hire and fire. That's your job. But give her time to find
something else? Okay?"
"Two weeks. Just like everyone else." Two weeks too long!
"The day after Christmas?"
"Is just a day, Sooyoung."
"Try to find some Christmas spirit, Taeyeon. Please? And please come over
to my house on Sunday. It'll be low key, relaxed. Just have Christmas dinner. I've
got someone special I want to introduce you to."
"Another one?" Soo and her girlfriends. It was amazing that the woman did
any work at all. She was constantly running about.
"Yoona's not just a girlfriend. I'm thinking of settling down."
Taeyeon just looked at her, holding her tongue on the matter.
It was Sooyoung's turn to sigh inwardly. Another year, and Taeyeon was
becoming even more of a lifeless robot.
Sooyoung didn't seem to be getting the message. Taeyeon didn't really care
what Soo did and who she did it with, just as long as she kept it to herself and out
of this office. Taeyeon refocused on the computer display. Sunday dinner? No. Her
face carefully neutral, Taeyeon said, "I'll be busy on Sunday."
6

Sooyoung felt her shoulders slump in defeat. Well, she'd tried. "Alright then.
Merry Christmas, Taeyeon."
"Close the door on your way out."
Dismissed. The smile remained as Soo got up, but it was a small, sad thing
as she watched Taeyeon staring at columns of numbers. The little scrooge.
Taeyeon was aware Soo left and she looked up at the closed door, annoyance
coming back as a scowl. Settling down? What? Romance? Marriage? Bah! Foolish
sentiment. Who had time for any of that in the working world? How could people
succeed in their lives if they had their heads in the clouds? There was certainly no
time for any of that silliness in her life. Taeyeon looked at the gift wrapped
package. A watch or a pen, likely... but it was a bit larger than usual. She hefted it
and saw a micro post-it stuck to the festive wrap. In Soo's writing, 'Open me now!'
Curiosity got the better of her. Besides, it was easier to throw it away here
than carry the thing home if she decided it was worthless. Soo and her holidays.
She always dressed in green for Saint Patrick's Day, played some silly pranks on
April Fool's, bought her chocolates on Valentine's, a dinner invitation on her
birthday... when Taeyeon did nothing of the sort. Ever.
Persistent. That was Soo. Taeyeon shook her head. Persistently wasteful. At
least the box was too flat to be fruitcake. Taeyeon shuddered. She ripped the gift
wrap off to reveal a strathmore box, creamy ivory with some gold calligraphy she
couldn't be bothered to make out. Hmmm. Expensive? She opened the lid and
promptly closed it again. The quick look was enough to make out 'Charles
Dickens' on the cover of a red book. 'A Christmas Carol' would be the rest of the
title, she had no doubt.
"Really, Sooyoung, really?" Taeyeon leaned back and tossed the box with
the book into the wire waste bin. Soo could have emailed the e-book as a pointed
message, rather than waste money. Wasteful, stupid, century-old sentiment about a
commercial holiday. Who even believed in Christmas spirit these days?
Taeyeon saw the box once more when she left an hour later. She snorted,
turning off the lights to the room she'd return to in exactly nine hours.
~~~
Resonant tones spoke consideringly, "Our mission... she is a hard one, do
you not think so, Sunny?"
"Mmhmm. I agree, Tiffany. Neither soft nor easy. Taeyeon Kim has had a
difficult life and become obdurate."
7

A darker voice spoke directly, almost accusingly, "She is closed to life. Not
worth saving if she cannot learn."
Sunny sighed, almost a high pitched note of remonstrance, "Do not be so
harsh and judgmental, Seohyun. Taeyeon's past has left scars, scars which she does
not even remember."
"We must be stern in our duty."
"Perhaps. And perhaps there is something worth redeeming in her. Anyway, I
am off to see a woman about her life. Remember Tiffany, wait for my signal."
"Of course... And there she goes, smiling."
"I do not understand Sunny, how she can be so mirthful at all times."
"What is to understand?"
"If the souls we encounter are products of their pasts, twisted from what they
could be, what they should be, it is Sunny who sees the worst of it. She is witness
to poor choices and lingering pain, lost potential, the birth of regrets."
"Ah. Seohyun. I know you care in your own way, though you interpret your
duties differently. Starkly. But if Sunny sees their past, and I their present, you see
what they will become. What starts small and grows darker... that, in my mind...
that might be the worst of it."
"I do acknowledge that my role is unpleasant. That is why I am severe.
Softness risks being unheard, when I will be the last chance. But Sunny... is always
sunny."
"She is that. Would that both of us could learn from her, if only with each
other."
"And by that you mean me. I will think on your words. Look there. She has
arrived."

2. Past

aeyeon yawned, looking up at a ceiling she couldn't see. There were no

lights in her room. Darkness was cheap. The curtains were drawn tight
against the city's normal lights and the merry glittering pollution of
Christmas decorations the city wasted her tax dollars on. Her mid-rise
apartment was two blocks from the office and her mind buzzed with thoughts of
work. Projects, plans, projections, people. Problems. People were the problem.
Everything else could be predicted, but the randomness and vagaries of people
could not. Life needed order. Her life needed no surprises. Everyday the same as
the one before... yes... a most comforting thought...
Taeyeon slept and something else arrived.
~~~
"Alarm," Sunny mutters, looking across the room as she tries to locate the
noisy electronic buzzer in the darkness. She hates the raucous sound. Why did
every house have them? Dogs are so much nicer, and they have tails to wag.
Stupid box with buttons... how does one even pet one of these? It can't be walked
or scolded for making a mess. And they always mess up her entrance. Besides, the
subject of tonight's encounter, Sunny guesses, doesn't need the extra spooking. The
ones who are certain of life and what it holds always take the first meeting poorly.
'Which is the bedroom door?' she wonders and then realizes she could just
wait for the subject of her mission to come out with wide eyes, hand grasping a
fireplace poker or a firearm in these modern days, in shock, or terror perhaps? Or
might Taeyeon Kim stay in her room and use one of the machine talking things,
dialing the 1 and the 9? Or is it the 9 and the 1? How that spells, 'Help,' makes no
sense at all. Stupid noisy boxes. Or the woman might go the wrong way entirely,
hiding under her covers... but Taeyeon seems so unimaginative. Real terror takes
imagination. This young curmudgeon knows nothing good of Christmas... can
even a ghost frighten a soul blind to life's wonders?
Well, Sunny can only try, and if she fails, there are two more who are
eminently better suited for that sort of work.
~~~

Sound and light intrude. Her doorway is lit, a piercing sort of light that goes
right through her eyelids. Taeyeon scowls. What is that light? And then her mind
recognizes the sound of the security alarm and she snaps awake to a full blown...
hallucination? That is the alarm... and her normally dark bedroom is aglow, lit by a
shape at the doorway.
"Hi," greets the newcomer, with a cheery wave.
Taeyeon rubs her eyes. She must've eaten something wrong for dinner.
Maybe the long awaited rebellion by her body from being fed frozen and
microwaved cartons of food. Whatever happened to be on sale, two for the price of
one! Soo had warned her. 'That crap is going do you in. Preservatives. Artificially
flavored, transfatty, hi-fructose, corn-sweetened blah blah blah.' Soo, who could
eat anything she wanted and never gain an ounce.
The small figure pipes up in a voice that seems absurdly happy, "It would be
nice if you could turn off the alarm. It's Christmas Eve! Do some of your
neighbors a good deed, will ya?"
Taeyeon blinks. It is her room. Her apartment. Some distant corner of her
brain is being very strident about something... wrong. And then it hits her and the
last of the sleep is wiped away. Home invasion. Breaking and entering. Someone
is in her bedroom. Waving at her.
Taeyeon shouts, "I-I-I have a gun!" and proves it by diving for her night
stand, yanking open the drawer and reaching in-Her fingers find no handle, no revolver grip.
"You mean this?"
Taeyeon catches a glimpse of her gun being held between two glowing
fingers, an expressive moue of distaste on a shining face. "Whuh?!" then her
overbalanced body falls onto the floor with a thud, her shoulders landing first
followed by the audible clunk of her head. Ouch.
Through the dull ringing of her ears Taeyeon hears, "Alarm? Please?" The
sounds repeat again but Taeyeon doesn't register them as words. The room is
spinning while she stares at the ceiling.
Sunny sighs. Trust the silly child to brain herself first off.
Taeyeon tries to get her body sorted. Has she broken something? Right.
Home invader. Her eyes look upward at the figure in the dark doorway. It
disappears. Blinks out. Vanishes, the illumination flashing through her apartment
hallway as if some crazed UFO is zipping about the small place.
Concussion. I have a concussion.
Then the light is back, the same instant the alarm goes silent. Now the
10

woman is holding a bundle of wires in her hand, as if ripped free from something.
The other hand still has the revolver... but with a wave of both hands, wires and
firearm vanish. In a blink. Like a magic trick.
Wires. Expensive wires. Expensive gun. "My alarm! My gun!" Taeyeon
wails.
"This could've started better," Sunny sighs with a shake of her head.
"Who are you?! Is this a robbery?"
"I am no thief."
"You took my gun!"
"I don't like the things. Very noisy. I didn't want you shooting a wall."
"Well, then, who are you? And... why are you... glowing?"
"Hi. I am the Ghost of Christmas Past."
Reality pauses as Taeyeon processes the silliness. "Very funny."
"I am." The form waves an arm down her body, as if to say, 'Look, I glow.'
"There is no such thing!" Taeyeon scowls as she gingerly sits up. Nothing
broken. "Did Sooyoung send you? Is this her idea of a joke?"
"Focus, Taeyeon," the woman says softly, "Sooyoung isn't your present
concern."
"This is one of her tricks. She's loves practical jokes. How much did she pay
you? The glowing thing is a nice touch. Tell you what, kid." Taeyeon feels the
world forming back into sense. She stands up from the floor and tugs her pajamas
straight. She flicks the switch on her bedside lamp and then frowns when nothing
happens. Power outage? She reaches for the flashlight which is in the same drawer
where her gun used to be. "Go back home and get some rest before I call the
cops."
"I don't need to rest."
"Well, I do!"
Taeyeon pushes the button on the Maglite but it doesn't respond. Huh. She'd
just changed the batteries on it. Ugh, what a waste. Maybe the bulb is broken? But
it's an LED model. Those are supposed to be virtually unbreaka-"Taeyeon, you do not need a flashlight."
"Yes, I do. You glow, but I won't have you to see by once you leave. Stupid
building power." Umm. Her mind, she can feel it missing something.
The woman, not a girl, not with those faintly illuminated curves... in a filmy
gown of yellow wassit, lace? Very filmy. Almost see through. A woman. All
woman. Taeyeon shakes her head. What is Sooyoung playing at? First the book,
now this. But this is too much, and she's going too far, hiring a very pretty model
11

to come barge into her apartment in the middle of the night, wearing a nightie and
bare feet and, Taeyeon squints... not much else. A small part of her is wondering at
the light. Something isn't right about it. Taeyeon blinks at the very pretty glowing
woman in her bedroom. Right. As if that's important. Stranger in her bedroom.
Hmm. A concussion could cause all sorts of visual weirdness, couldn't it?
The woman laughs then. It's a bright sound, in the middle of the night. She
tapers off to a chuckle after a few moments and says, "You're silly."
"What?"
"Just ask for light."
There's no electricity... oh, right, more magic tricks? "Light-- Augh! My
eyes!"
"Oops, okay. There, better?"
Her room is aglow, a warm full-bodied light, much like the woman, very
unlike the efficient fluorescent bulbs she has in every fixture. Taeyeon blearily
opens her eyes wider as they adjust. Yes, like rich sunlight. A neat trick, that. They
must've snuck in and wired... but where are the lights?
Right. Never mind that. The more immediate concern here is the mischief in
front of her. The figure stands a bit shorter than herself, which means she's quite
short. Short blonde hair, ridiculously expressive smile made by full lips. A young
woman. A radiant young woman. Remarkably... cute. One of Sooyoung's exes
probably, though had Sooyoung ever dated a short curvy magician? And Charles
Dickens' Spirits of Christmas? Really. So lame, Sooyoung. A child's story! About a
miser and some ghosts. This woman couldn't scare a bunny rabbit.
"You should really go, whoever you are. Tell Sooyoung I'll see her on
Monday, and I'll bill her for my broken alarm. And leave my gun." The trouble
she'd gone through to get a permit for it... Taeyeon's eyes are drawn to the clock on
the wall. Just past midnight. It's sleep time, valuable for the work it lets her do.
Any why isn't little miss sunshine moving at all? "Look, Miss, it's not going to
work. You can tell Sooyoung that sending a cute face to me in the middle of the
night isn't going to make me believe in Christmas. Okay? Now, go. Shoo!"
A pout. A ridiculously gorgeous pout. "Hmmm. I didn't expect my face to
convince you."
You didn't? Taeyeon coughs. Of course she doesn't. She's seen plenty of
pretty faces in her ad agency's work. Nothing to them. Silly, vapid people with
regular features. Taeyeon feels annoyance growing. She walks towards the girl,
hands reaching for her shoulders to chivvy the invader to the apartment door.
"C'mon, don't make me force you-- uhh huhhh whah!"
12

Taeyeon stumbles through the girl, through her open bedroom doorway and
bounces off the hallway wall. She spins to find the glowing woman facing her.
Smiling.
Up close... Taeyeon can faintly see her bed, covers thrown back, through the
woman's form. The smile beams at her. Literally. "There, how's that for
convincing?"
Taeyeon screams, turns left and sprints for the kitchen. Phone! She has to get
to her phone! The next instant it's dark as... well, midnight with all the blinds
closed. She stumbles in the sudden darkness, stubbing her toes on the couch in her
mad scramble. Ouch! 9-1-1! She has to call 9-1-1.
As if the voice is right next to her ear, the woman-ghost-thing says in almost
conversational tones, "I think calling someone at this time wouldn't be a good
idea."
Balanced on one foot, in the inky blackness, panic clawing, Taeyeon draws
her breath in to scream.
Concern colors the tones even warmer as the voice says, "Oh, dear. Have
some light."
The glow returns. Taeyeon's breath freezes in her throat. In the sudden
illumination, her arms are outstretched, fingers wide and in the woman's chest...
er... ghost's impressive chest.
"Gah!" Taeyeon falls backwards, snatching her hands free, falling on her
tush with a bone jarring thump. There hadn't been any sensation to her... grope, her
mind imagining... well, no, her mind was a blank. It took a moment before she
could sound her shaking voice and say, "S-Stay away from me. G-Go away!"
'Get to the door,' her head says, 'You need to get out!'
No wonder her apartment rent is so cheap. Stupid rent controlled property.
It's not rent controlled. It's haunted. Ghosts! Ghosts. What does she know about
ghosts? They're stuck to one place, right? They haunt houses and rooms and-and-- furniture? Things! Objects! Loci or foci or clothing or knickknacks. Stuff,
places, things. She has nothing of sentimental value. She can go. Just out. Now!
With amusement in her voice the ghost says, "Not yet, Chicklet. No running
away tonight."
Sunny can't watch the silly woman sprinting around all evening, like a
panicked mouse. She has a schedule to keep. She grabs Taeyeon with metaphysical
fingers and hauls the struggling form back to a chair next to the sofa. "Sit. Stay
still. Don't make me tie you up."
The force is unlike anything Taeyeon's ever felt before. Maybe like being
13

caught up by a big wave. Just moved. "T-Tie me up?!"

As if granting a wish the ghost motions and Taeyeon finds she can't rise from
the chair. Like the seat cushion is an enormous magnet and her sore butt a '69
Pinto at the scrap yard.
Sunny laughs. There, a glimmer of humor. Perhaps not all hope is lost on
this one. "Shhh. It's for your own good. I don't want you hurting yourself flailing
about," she says gently and bends down, looking at the Taeyeon's pale, staring and
panicked face. "You should wear sunscreen. You're going to have too many
wrinkles for your age. A girl must take care of her skin."
It puts the lotion on. The thought rolls around in Taeyeon mind. A ghost. A
ghost! Worried about her skin. Was it going to kill her and steal her skin? Did the
ghost want to live again? Play at being alive?
A glowing eyesmile forms, and a ghostly finger pokes her forehead. Quite
firmly. Solid when she wants to be? "Imagination is nice, but don't be ridiculous.
Now, relax. Think of me as your therapist. I'm here to help you before it's too late."
"W-What do you mean?"
"I mean exactly what I say. Now, relax."
Maybe obeying the ghost will make it go away? Maybe if she just pretends
to faint? Play dead?
However, no thoughts are left unheard and the ghost frowns deeper with
every planned evasion. More than a hint of displeasure on those sumptuous,
glowing lips. But then they curve into a smile. "Are you always like this?"
Taeyeon is silent.
As if she knows the answer, the glowing girl says, "You were happier, once.
Do you even remember what happiness feels like? Happy is good. Being happy is
its own reward."
Those words prod something in Taeyeon. Reflexive defensiveness at being
judged. Taeyeon narrows her eyes. There is no time for happiness in her life. "In an
economy like this? I'm happy when I get paid on time for a project."
The spirit looks at her, her eyes become sad, her full lips losing any trace of
a smile.
Sunny sighs silently. Taeyeon is going to be a lot of work. So much... small
minded bitterness. She tsks and tilts her head. "We could talk about this the whole
night, eh? Your attitude towards everything."
"My what?"
"It will be better if I show you."
Taeyeon blinks, one moment she is in her apartment clad in nothing but her
14

pajamas, her butt glued to a chair. She blinks again and now it's a different place. A
different darkness. Not her apartment.
"Come, Taeyeon." The spirit holds out a hand and Taeyeon finds she is
standing, free to move again. "Let us walk for a while."
The glowing hand beckons and Taeyeon hesitates, but then reaches for it...
only to realizes that she has no body. She... floats. And she floats with a being who
possesses not only an unearthly transparency and luminance, but a magic of
beauty. A ghost? A real ghost. But ghosts are supposed to be mean things, ugly and
vengeful. Or not. The ghost woman smiles at her, her hand insistent in asking.
Something of the glowing expression allays Taeyeon's panic, her fear. Warmth
twinkles merrily as Taeyeon slowly reaches something of herself and then she can
feel her invisible hand in a warm grasp. Solid. Real. The hand draws her in until
she is almost nose to nose with the spirit. Taeyeon can feel a rosy warmth, like
sunlight on a June morning, coming from the form. This Ghost of Christmas Past.
The Past says, "I only want to help you, to show something that might help
you."
Taeyeon shakes her head, a head that she knows is now glowing the same
glow as the spirit. Somehow, in some way, she's been turned into a spirit. Why?
But asking doesn't seem important. This spirit, this ghost, will do her no harm...
Taeyeon's reflexive intransigence is more than stubborn, it's something Soo
accuses her of taking to pathological levels at times. But isn't it a matter of prudent
suspicion? Shouldn't gift horses be made to open wide and say, AHHHH? "I'm
fine. Why do I need help?"
"We all can use help at times. Will you accept mine?"
What can it hurt? Nothing makes sense, but nothing needs to make sense.
Insanity... isn't this the definition of delusional insanity? The hand squeezes hers,
firmly, assuring her.
"O-Okay."
And they move.
~~~
This... is a place of nightmares. Perry Jackson High. Rather, behind Perry
Jackson High. A small girl is walking, head down, heavy backpack bowing her
over. Glasses taped, thick plastic frames, dark hair hacked short, her jeans and
sneakers smudged. She looks like a hobo. A studious hobo.
She hurries, trying to escape notice but a group of taller girls notice.
15

"Hey, Taeyeon! What's the rush? You going somewhere?"

Taeyeon breaks into a sweat, watching her other self, her younger self. "This
can't be real. Why are you showing me this?"
"Your life didn't start here. It started with a broken home. A stepfather who
beat you. A mother who didn't really know or care how to help. At least, that's
what you remember of them. That's what you think of them now. Remember, these
are shadows of the things that have been. Your past. Memory is a strange thing.
The strongest memories never fade, but the context, the interpretation of them is
an ever changing thing. As you've aged, as you've experienced more of life, what
you remember becomes different. But for now, I want you to remember as it
happened, without the clutter of a decade or two."
The scenes flash. She is in a dark room, younger yet. Ten years old? Voices,
indistinct, yelling, glass breaking. Taeyeon watches herself trying to read a book,
not seeing the words through her tears. It's an old book, tattered pages, smudged
with her fingers. A princess, living with step sisters who treat her like a scullery
maid. There should be a prince. Somewhere. The sound of a slap makes her shiver.
She huddles under her covers, only a sliver open to show a page she can't even see.
"This. This is your earliest clear memory. Most children remember much
more, much earlier. But not you."
Taeyeon feels like throwing up. For so long she's tried to forget her
childhood. The social workers, her mother dragging her from home to home,
school to school. How is she ever going to live a life, make friends, succeed when
she doesn't have a place to call home? No place to know who she is?
"But yes, here." Back to Perry Jackson high, red brick, asphalt and cruelty.
"This is where you became the person you are today."
Sneering faces that could be pretty, but aren't. All the girls so much taller
than she is. Makeup and nice clothes, hair in the latest cuts. They form a ring
around her. The popular ones.
"Where's my homework?"
"Where's my report?"
"Hey, nerd, did you read the books I gave you?"
Taeyeon is smart. She's always been smart. But being smart is a curse. She's
silent under their questioning. Her head bowed down, furious and desperate not to
show it.
It starts with a shove, her heavy backpack not helping.
"She thinks she can ignore us."
"Listen, nerd, you should be grateful we even talk to you."
16

One of them slaps her and that starts the physical part of Bullying 101. She
loses her glasses next, and then she's sprawled on the pavement, skinning her
palm. Taeyeon just curls up. It's not as if the blows actually hurt much. She's used
to worse, given out by experts much stronger. Besides, they won't risk breaking a
nail or their homework by doing something more severe than a bloody nose or a
swollen lip.
That makes the kick to her ribs really surprising.
Real pain. Pain like she hasn't felt in months. Another one lands a rib away
and then she's throwing up her free lunch. Damn. Dinner is whatever she can
scrounge in an empty kitchen and more often than not, she goes to sleep hungry.
"Ewww! Don't get that on my shoes, you little idiot!"
She grays out when someone steps on the back of her throbbing head,
shoving her face into the asphalt and gravel.
Someone is shouting. Scuffling noises try to intrude.
Those are the memories. But the Taeyeon who is watching from some other
place sees a tall, slim form charge into the mass of girls. They're heavier than she
is, but this tall girl shoves two of her tormentors clear, screaming at them to leave
her alone.
She knows this girl.
"Sooyoung?" But it can't be. She meets met Sooyoung in college. The first
day in orientation. High cheekbones smiling a welcome. Taeyeon looking around,
to see if the tall pretty girl is smiling at someone behind her.
The high school Sooyoung has her hair pulled, is slapped and kicked and
pushed, while Taeyeon is curled around her injured ribs, eyes closed and oblivious.
Taeyeon sees the scenes of her life for the next week. She will spend it at home,
unable to straighten from cracked ribs. Her mother will give her three cans of
chicken noodle soup, hoarded somewhere where she's never looked. Taeyeon sees
her mother cry silently when her daughter falls asleep, but she's afraid of what her
husband will say when he comes home. He hates his stepdaughter. A useless
mouth to feed. Not as if he spends money on food. He drinks his pay. There's
never anything to feed her. Her mother asks for money, to take her daughter to the
hospital for x-rays. Her daughter's bruising is livid, black and red and ugly.
Taeyeon hates the way her mother begs. Hates her mother for begging from the
man she's married. Both Taeyeons hate her.
He laughs. "She ain't peeing blood, is she? Tape it up. Can't put a cast on
broken ribs anyway."
The Past says, "You've always been alone. That's what you thought. You
17

grew a shell around yourself, you studied until you couldn't read the pages through
blood shot eyes, to get the scholarship and when you left home, you never looked
back. You never called your mother. Last year, when you got the letter, saying
she'd died, you didn't cry a tear."
"She never cared for me. I was alone. I am alone."
"Look. See what you've missed."
Her mother. Worn. Old. Not even fifty, but... old. Thin. So thin. Holding a
picture of her daughter. It's cut out from the year book. They'd never bought the
pictures. Taeyeon hates the picture. Her hair is scraggly, her face has pimples and
the glasses sit crookedly. But her mother stares at it. Talks to it, mumbling. Next to
it is a scrap of paper. Taeyeon sees her phone number at the office. The old woman
coughs roughly, as if she's expelling decades of pain. It leaves her gasping,
trembling fingers holding a bloody cloth to gray lips. She looks at the payphone
outside the shelter, then back at the piece of paper. The old woman shakes her head
slowly. Too late. It will be too late.
More coughing. She fumbles two quarters out of a handkerchief. The
incessant ringing of a Salvation Army kettle sitter grows loud as she pushes open
the door. Why is he here? People at the shelter can't afford to put money in the
kettle. Her mother waits for the person using the phone to hang up, the cold
creeping in through her thin coat. Dirty ice and snow on the sidewalk crunches
under her worn soles which she's lined with newspaper.
Taeyeon's phone number is hard to read, the paper damp from tears, stained
with drops of what she's coughed. One quarter. The second quarter. The push
buttons are stiff and frigid, but the trembling of her hands is fear, regret. The clinic
doctor had been grim faced. There will be no time to make things right.
The phone rings.
And rings.
A voice finally answers. "This is Taeyeon Kim's office. May I take a
message?"
"I-Is she in?'
"She isn't taking calls. How may I direct you?"
"Could I leave her a message?"
"I'll forward you to her voicemail. Thank you for calling Apex Advertising."
And then the woman smiles and Taeyeon hears her own voice speaking to
her mother, "You have reached the voicemail for Taeyeon Kim. I cannot take your
call at this time. Please leave a message."
Her mother hangs up and fumbles more quarters out.
18

Three times she listens to the recorded voice. The voice of her daughter. A
daughter she is so proud of. "You made it out, baby. My baby. My Taeyeon."
She's out of quarters now. She drops sixteen cents, all that she has left, into
the Salvation Army kettle and shivering, shuffles back into the humid warmth of
the shelter. It is Christmas Eve and she won't live to see Christmas.
This Taeyeon is trembling, like a leaf. Arms, ephemeral and glowing, but
solid, embrace her gently. "W-Why. Why didn't she leave a message? Why didn't
she call earlier?"
"She felt as if she didn't deserve to. All her life, she had nothing to offer
you."
"She... she was worthless. She never protected me, never... never did
anything for me."
"That is what she believed, too."
"... I could have taken care of her. I have money."
"In this, she was doing what she thought she could. She didn't know the
police man who investigated her death would figure out where to send the
notification. She didn't know you'd get the letter. All your life, you've had it tough.
And it is human nature to only focus on your own lacks, your own hurts, your own
limitations. Understanding takes time."
"Why are you showing me this? This... This isn't real! It can't be real. You're
a ghost."
"And yet it is you who exists like a ghost. Trying so hard to remain hidden.
You're surrounded by people in your life, Taeyeon. Some of them actually like
you."
"I don't need anyone."
"And this is where you're wrong. Everyone needs someone."
"Why would you show me my mother?"
"The height of human folly. That is what comes of believing that there is no
hope left in the world."
"Hope? There is no hope. There's only what I can make, what I can do. It's
me against the world."
"So you think."
"My mother was weak. She wouldn't even try to... She was weak. Weak...
But... "
"But?"
"S-She should have left a message."
"She should have."
19

"You can't-- It doesn't make any difference."

"And yet, you feel something, don't you?"
"I don't want this."
"It is your past. You have already had it."
"I hated high school, my childhood, my... Wait. Before. You showed me
Sooyoung?"
"Ah, yes. Your partner, your college chum, your casual friend with whom
you went into business."
"She went to my high school?"
"Why don't we look?"
"Wait! Wait."
"For?"
"I'm afraid. This... is a nightmare. Or I'm going crazy."
"Well, if crazy is what you need, then I'm here to help. Because you see,
dear, sane is going to kill you."
Dizziness reigns, her ribs hurt, throbbing, the weight of her backpack is a
cruelty. But she has to get to school. She can't fall behind any more. Her grades are
the only things that matter.
Eyes watch her as she crosses the parking lot. Doreen, the red haired
cheerleader, the one with a nasty temper. She sits in her car, a Mustang Daddy
bought for her birthday, its engine purring. Watching the small disgusting girl
trudge. Skip a whole week of school, would she? Mr. Martin has given her an F
for not turning in her book report. That puts her position on the cheerleading squad
at risk. The little ungrateful Asian nerd.
Not to kill her, but just to scare her. To teach her her place. Yes. Doreen puts
the car into gear and nails the accelerator and out of nowhere another car pulls into
her way.
Tires screech as she swerves into a pair of parked cars, the airbag ruining her
makeup. One of cars decorating her hood is Mr. Martin's Volkswagen. O. M. G.
Taeyeon hears the screech, but she's too busy gritting her teeth, never seeing
Sooyoung's laughing face, her fist pump. In the weeks following, the hazing, the
bullying, taper down and Taeyeon's life becomes almost bearable. She never
wanted anyone's attention. Just her diploma.
She misses noticing Sooyoung. Sooyoung who watches her. Soo going home
with bruises in her place, but that doesn't happen too often. The popular girls are
too busy keeping their well-coiffed heads down, avoiding an onslaught of practical
torments; paint bombs in their lockers, their cars' windows broken, tires missing
20

pressure valves, pictures of them with their boyfriends or more often, someone
else's boyfriends, showing up in the oddest of places. It is a miserable school year
for them.
Taeyeon is oblivious, studying in the library, filling out admission forms,
working with the guidance counselor to get all the possible qualifications. The
guidance counselor. Mrs. Choi.
"Mom? Taeyeon is going to Columbia?"
"That's looking like her best shot for a full ride."
"But... Columbia is hard. Like Ivy League."
"It is Ivy League. Are you sure you want to go to the same school?"
"The kid needs someone to protect her."
"And why is that you?"
"I dunno. I mean... I dunno. I just saw her one day, getting teased for
wearing the same old clothes, day in, day out. She looked like a little skinny hobo
but she's tough. Strong."
"Doesn't exactly sound like love at first sight, dear."
"Yeah. I guess."
"Perhaps it isn't healthy, watching out for her from a distance."
"Well, life is hard enough for her without having the school's biggest lesbo
as a not-so-secret admirer."
"I don't know what I'm going to do with you."
"Love me, Mother. As I love me."
"Ha hah. You better get to studying if you want to get into Columbia, dear."
"Jeez, she better make it in or I'm going to kill her."
Taeyeon blinks in surprise. What? How... why? Sooyoung? There's never
been... not one indication of more than friendship, more than a cool friendship at
that. Reversed majors and minors resulting in most of the same classes at the urban
campus. Studying together, a familiar face in an unfamiliar place as the years pass
by. The one person she's let become familiar, relied on to be there.
"I don't believe it."
"Was that rhetorical?"
"Why... would she follow me around?"
"Because she's your friend."
"That's not friendship. That's... that's... that's crazy!"
"She's been there for you, never asking for more than you were willing and
able to give. Never being less than what you needed. And you needed her."
"I don't need anyone."
21

"Yes. Perhaps that is the case now. You've armored yourself well."
"So what? You show me these things and it makes me sure I've made the
right decisions in life."
"Hah. That's good. Certainty is always to be admired."
"Take me back. I don't want to see anymore of my past."
"The magic words. But I've a few more things to show you."
"Why? What more? It doesn't matter. I could care less."
"You think you don't need anybody. But you are someone who affects the
lives of many people."
"Like who?"
"Your employees, for one. Or many. You have a lot of employees."
"Ungrateful louts, all of them."
"Not all of them. Here."
A scene. A small cramped apartment. A girl sitting on a small bed. Young,
pretty, her face aglow beneath a black knit cap, happiness showing her white teeth
as she writes and colors on cheap construction paper. The girl is painfully thin, the
bones of her arms sharp against pale skin, so pale as to be colorless. The
wheelchair next to the bed is an ominous foreboding.
The apartment door opens and a woman enters, a scarf obscuring her
features, her dark hair. The calendar on the wall says this is a scene three years old.
Underneath the calendar are a few tick marks, climbing the wall, a year annotated
next to each line. Krystal is written beside each date, in progressively better
handwriting as the lines climb. Previous occupants? The last line is dated two
years earlier than the calendar.
"Krystal, I'm home." The voice sounds more cheerful than the set of the
shoulders inside the coat lets on. Weariness is palpable. The woman sets a pile of
mail on the cheap kitchen table. The coat comes off to show a fast food uniform.
Kenny Rogers Roasters. A line of a burn shows on one pale forearm. A deep fryer
mishap. The scarf comes off last. It's Jessica Jung, her hair dark. From the
bedroom a wheelchair appears, Krystal pushing its wheels with well practiced
motions, the handmade Christmas card on her lap, a huge smile on her face.
"Hey, Sis! How was your day?"
Jessica smiles, her face pale and tired, "It was good."
"There's soup. I couldn't finish it."
The woman crosses to the chair, her hand reaching as if to stroke hair that
isn't there. "Is the nausea getting any better?"
"If I sleep a lot, it's not too bad."
22

Her hand strokes the thin face gently, knowing the lie. The pain leaves her
younger sister exhausted, but even then it takes pills to let her sleep and Krystal
hates them, the accompanying mental fog. She'd rather endure pain to keep her
mind sharp. She still studies. She wants to graduate, someday. "I know it's no fun,
dear, but you just have to get through this round of chemo."
The girl brushes aside the words. Unimportant. She lifts the card and gives it
to her sister, her face beaming, and from beside her she grabs a small box.
Jessica shifts her eyes from the card, the neat lettering. A box? Hair dye?
Natural Blonde #9.
Krystal holds up the prize, displaying it proudly. "Merry Christmas, Jessie!"
Jessica has long ago given up anything that isn't an essential, cutting her own
hair, saving blush and lipstick for those days when she thinks she looks sick from
exhaustion. It's tiring fending off the looks of concern. Hair dye? A luxury. Jessica
turns away, biting her lip, her chin trembling, pretending to need better light to
read the card by. "The card is really pretty!"
"Here! Here! The dye. I'll put it on for you. Mrs. Johnson in 402 gave this to
me for watching her cat when she went on her cruise." Sort of the truth. Krystal
asked for it specifically, instead of money. Jessica is a gorgeous blonde, waiting to
be revealed. Krystal hides her own tears. Hair... she misses hers. "Look! L'Oreal!
Cause you're worth it!"
Jessica dissolves into laughter. Krystal is always the one to cheer her up,
when it should be the other way around. The chemo is hellacious, the weekly
dosages brutal but despite the pain, Krystal is always smiling. Better insurance
could pay for a better program, micro dosages daily instead of the full syringe of
poisons that leaves Krystal in tears with its cold, maybe even pay for the surgery
that might heal her... The bone tumors gone, her sister walking, running. Jessica
prays every day.
"Did we get any Christmas cards?"
Jessica goes through the motions. No money for gifts or cards or anything
but the co-insurance payments, the rent, the pitiful amounts of food her sister can
keep down. No family to speak of, both parents gone in a wreck, the same wreck
that leaves Krystal with two broken legs, legs that won't heal right. Bone cancer.
What the hell is bone cancer?
A letter falls out.
Apex Advertising? Jessica remembers sending sent her portfolio there. A
small but up-and-coming firm, growing rapidly, and in New York, the center of the
advertising world, that means something. The letter is from: Hiring manager,
23

Taeyeon Kim.
Ms. Jung,
We like what we see in your portfolio. As such and pending a formal job
interview, we would like to offer you a position in our firm. We require immediate
availability. If this is satisfactory, please call our office to discuss details and
arrange a time for your interview within the following week. In order to streamline
the hiring process, salary, including full dental and health coverage details, are on
attachments B-13 through B-19. Please review them before calling.
Hiring Manager and CEO,
Taeyeon Kim
Krystal is a bit frightened when her sister falls to her knees, staring at the
paper, tears streaming. The words she speaks make no sense.
"Thank you, Taeyeon Kim, for the best Christmas present ever."
The ghost turns to Taeyeon. "See?"
Taeyeon's eyes feel as if they're full of sand. Dry and gritty. Burning. Her
mouth, her soul crusted with ash and dust.
"I don't want to see this. You think I don't know my employees have lives
outside the office? It's a tough world. So what? So what?"
"All actions, all words have a weight, have consequences. The world would
be a better place if people remembered this."
"I want to go home, now!"
"Not quite yet. One last thing." The spirit takes her arm before Taeyeon can
move and the world blurs again.
Voices. More than the two from before. Laughter, then something else,
Taeyeon narrows her eyes as the world comes back into focus. A party, the offices
at Apex. Leo Smith is here, the bookkeeper who runs the accounts when Apex is
just starting out.
"H-He's alive?" Taeyeon blinks. The past is enumerated in a flash. Leo
strokes out the next year, into his potatoes, having dinner with his wife on their
forty-year anniversary. Why does she have to know about the potatoes?
"Sorry. You wondered."
"W-What party is this?"
"Does it matter? You weren't here."
24

The gathering is lively, cocktails, beer, soda. A potluck with little presents...
a sign saying Happy Anniversary! Not a Christmas party entirely, despite the
decorations of candy canes and pointy felt hats. But the people at the office, her
employees are laughing, enjoying themselves. Seven at night, all the lights on. Did
they never think about the electricity bills?
In the far corner are a group of people, more like a gossip group of some
sort, they look left and right, a conspiratorial hunch to their shoulders as if they're
keeping an eye out.
Taeyeon opens her mouth to ask but the ghost answers before she can ask.
"Yes, they are talking about you."
"What?!" Taeyeon marches forward, instinctively weaving through the
crowd. Who has the effrontery, the gall, to talk about her in the office? She will
remember names, faces, and some few people are going to be getting an
unpleasant surprise. Before she arrives the group breaks up with guffaws of
amusement. The man at their center... damn, she's fired him ages ago.
"Listen, everyone!" There is a tick of Bic pen against plastic cup and the
whole crowd turns to him. He sports a big smile as he bows. Thank you, thank
you. He speaks, his words slightly slurred, "Cheers to our two bosses-- "
The crowd gives an unenthused, 'Bleh.'
"-- Who aren't here today. Those miserable jerks. Well. Not Ms. Choi
entirely, though she's miserable too."
Wild cheers.
Taeyeon rages but the spirit touches her gently, reminding her that she's an
observer.
"I'd like to thank every single one of you tonight for sticking it out to this
point. A hell of a year we've had here at Apex!" Another cheer echoes through the
spacious room, hoots and a catcall. "We all know our CEO is a big pain in the ass,
but let's raise a glass for her miserly soul!"
There is a roar of approval.
"And to her wonderful partner. Another dedicated soul. You know, I wonder
why Ms. Choi sticks it out here. Personally, if I was her, I'd have quit a long time
ago! How she deals with Ms. Kim is one of the great wonders of the advertising
world. Hah. Here's another one to Ms. Kim and her cheese sandwiches. Damned
woman should be a sandwich, she eats so many of them."
Laughter, more laughter.
Taeyeon splutters, indignant. Almost everyone present is laughing. She'll
have to fire seventy percent of the staff. "I can't believe these people. I-I-I pay
25

them!"
"Well, on this first anniversary of our esteemed project leader, Ms. Jung, let's
go over what keeps us here, shall we?" The man puts on a show of thinking. And
thinking. "Yeeaah. I got nothing."
Laughter. "Oh! Oh, right. Money! And the benefits. And the subway station
is only a block away! That's a winner!" Raucous amusement.
Taeyeon growls, "That's it. I'm going to fire every single one of them."
Through gritted teeth she hisses, "All these undeserving idiots, how dare they
stand in my office, how dare they!"
"Calm down."
"A toast! To the subway! To Ms. Jung. And Merry Christmas!" Another half
drunk bow met with clapping and cheers.
The spirit shoos her along, herding her and her indignation towards a
different corner. "Where are you taking me?! I don't want to see this! Enough
already!"
"Will you calm down?"
"I don't care-- "
"Ms. Kim isn't that bad," a small voice says clearly. A familiar voice. Jessica
Jung, sipping a cup of water, her tote bag filled with opened presents, and next to
that, a cake, mostly devoured. The guest of honor. "This job was a godsend and
I've really enjoyed my first year here."
"Pfft, what are you talking about, Jessica?"
"Yeah! She treats us like dirt. The deadlines are always tight, and what's
worse, if we don't meet her ridiculous schedules, we get our pay docked! And the
stupid thing is that we're forced to shoot early on those deadlines! Deliver early.
What the hell is that?"
"But... isn't that a good thing, though?" Jessica asks in a reasoned tone, her
head tilted. "The faster we get our jobs done, the better our clients like us. It makes
us more competitive and I think it's great to see our ideas being produced before
others-- "
"Jessica, dear," another says. "You've only been here a year. Trust me, she's a
devil, and she doesn't even wear Prada, the little frump."
Jessica frowns, shaking her head, "But she's not... "
The whole group grows quieter, people exchanging looks, a few of them
rolling eyes. Someone says, "Clearly our project leader has become inebriated on
her water. For shame, project leader Jung!"
"Hey, at least she has a great sense of humor, unlike the little ogre."
26

Jessica is bothered, serious. She tightens her lips, her head raising a touch,
before continuing, "I think the fact that she hired us was great. It's a tough
economy, a lot of companies are cutting back on their advertising expenditures,
and here we are, growing year after year. If anything, according to Leo, we're
getting paid more than the industry average because we're always meeting our
goals, and Ms. Kim should get the credit for that. I mean, yeah, I know the long
hours are tough, the weekends, the all-nighters, yeah, that took some getting used
to, but bringing a project home, that feeling, working with all of you this last year
has been like a dream for me."
The co-workers look at her disdainfully, as if she is delusional. "Someone
get Jessica something to drink, I think she's too stressed out from work. The boss
isn't even here, what's there to be scared of! You can talk trash about her, no
worries, we have it all zipped."
Jessica sighs and smiles. She's not going to change any minds. Best to stay
silent... "Still. I think she's actually a good person, but she doesn't know it.
Anyway, I am really thankful, and it's been nice working with all of you this past
year. I hope we're all together next year."
There are lukewarm cheers. They pat Jessica's back while quirking eyebrows
at each other. Someone twirls a finger around an ear. She's a bit loony
Taeyeon watches Jessica being ignored. The woman she will fire come
Monday. Taeyeon narrows her eyes. Not an ingrate, like these other louts. It is
true, Taeyeon demands much, but she pays more than fairly. The premiums and
bonuses make up for the missed deadline penalties, if people meet their deadlines
more often than not. Not a lot of employees realize this. Jessica is a smart one.
Her train of thought is interrupted by the ghost. "Pfft. Naaah. Surely she's the
same as the rest of them? She's just here for the money."
Taeyeon feels more than annoyance at the offhand comment. She snaps,
"No, she isn't!" Then she catches herself. It doesn't matter what Jung thinks or says
about her.
"She isn't what, Taeyeon?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing? Something, I think," the ghost insists.
Taeyeon turns away. No wonder Jessica doesn't mingle with the crowd. She
is one of the few who stays back in the office during lunch. One of the
hardworking ones. But now, she's been marked out as someone a bit strange. Sly
looks are given her way, whispers, mockeries rippling through the half drunk
crowd.
27

Taeyeon's fists tighten. She turns to the short spirit. "You think I don't know
about these get-togethers?" Of course she does, she's the devil; she just doesn't
want to witness them first hand. "I don't even care about these people. If the job
gets done, that's all I need from them."
"You don't care? Your temper tells otherwise."
"This is my life. I'll deal with it. It's nothing."
"Nothing? No. These are the grains of sand of your past. Each moment
means something, each moment matters, Taeyeon. Like footsteps in the desert, you
make impressions as you move. Look at what you are today. Each decision you've
made put you here. And all you can say is that you'll deal with it? Where is your
responsibility?"
"I am responsible! No one is more responsible."
"Where is your responsibility to yourself? Where is the care, the kindness,
for you in your life?"
"What does it matter? It's all done. My life, yes, it's my life! I put myself
here. I made a company with Sooyoung. I make a six figure salary. I employ those
cretins. I make sure they get paid on time! I did this."
"And yet, you are miserable."
"I'm not miserable!"
"You would lie? To me? I hear everything going on inside that little skull of
yours."
"Lie?" Taeyeon exclaims and steps back. "You..." she hisses, "Get away
from me! Your stupid tricks, this insanity, your -- this, this isn't happening! You're
a dream, a figment of my tired brain! We're done. I'm going back to my life-- "
"Never happened?" says the ghost. "I tell you, this is your past. If you won't
learn from it, you will have no one to blame but yourself. This life, your life, that
you've made."
Taeyeon's breaths grow deeper, faster, her anger threatening to boil over.
"Just take me home! Take me home!"
The ghost laughs one last time. The sound of it is no longer bright. The
warmth is gone. Only sadness remains. "As you say, you'll deal with it."

28

3. Present

aeyeon awoke in a cold sweat, in darkness. The was no light, no

glowing figure. The darkness was all enveloping, as if all the light in the
world had gone out. She sat up in bed and took a ragged breath. A
dream. Just a damned weird dream. Another breath. It must have all
been a nightmare. A particularly vivid nightmare... that wouldn't fade. As if it kept
replaying, every detail remained etched. The clink-clink-clink of the three coins
hitting the bottom of an empty kettle, the puff of misty air emerging from the soup
kitchen, where her mother had died. Heart failure. The woman wasn't even fifty!
The creak of one of the wheels on Krystal's wheelchair, its worn construction, the
cheap paper almost tearing where the girl had colored, 'Merry Christmas. I love
you, Jessie!' and under that, 'JUNG SISTERS FOREVAH!'
All in the past. She drew a shuddering breath. It was in the past. So what if it
was real? So what if it had happened? That was the past. And it couldn't hurt her
anymore-What was she thinking? Of course it hadn't been real!
She'd never been to those places. Taeyeon shook her head rapidly, in
negation and a need for clarity. Sooyoung would get a good laugh when she told
her about the dream. As if they'd gone to the same high school. As if she would
have missed seeing and remembering her one friend. Stupid dream. No matter how
frightening, or vivid, no matter if it remained in her memory to her dying day, it
was a memory of the past, and the past was gone. She'd fought too long, too hard
to surrender to its weakness now. Not real! Not.
The past was the past, this was the present, and she needed to get some
decent sleep. Taeyeon became aware of sweat soaked clothing. Maybe she was
getting sick? A fever dream? That was a possibility. Two ibuprofen, sleep. But
first, to change out of her clothing. Taeyeon threw her duvet off, flicked on the
lamp. It worked. Of course it worked. She checked her dresser drawer. The pistol
sat there. Of course it was there! Getting out of bed, she found the room
uncomfortably cold, her pajamas clinging. Winter was not helping at all. She
trudged to her dresser, pulling out her spare pajama set. She changed, shivering
now, and tossed the damp flannel into the closet hamper.
She knew her movements were wooden. The whole time one thought
occupied her head. What was next? Taeyeon shrugged, shaking her head. Sleep.
Sleep was next. Could she sleep? Maybe a cup of warm milk with the ibuprofen.
29

Could a fever explain the realness of her dream? What if it was some weird ESP
thing, an astral-projection or alien mind manipulation? Nah. She'd read about crap
like this. Stress. Work was stress. Stress could cause all sorts of mental hiccuping.
Couldn't it? Mustn't panic. Panic disorders were expensive. Therapists were
expensive. Taeyeon decided that she'd try that cup of warm milk.
The apartment kitchen was nothing remarkable. She hadn't changed anything
about the decor after subletting it. Cheap was cheap. Cheap was good. The fridge
stood to one side, set flush with ancient formica counters. The elevated cupboards
and shelves looked to be from the seventies. The overhead vent had never been
turned on. The stove under it might work. She didn't know. Fridge, freezer, frozen
food and microwave; nothing more.
Taeyeon found herself opening every cabinet, just to check their vacancy.
She didn't know why she did it. It wasn't as if she expected a glowing, floating
head to smile back at her or anything. No. Definitely not. When she'd finished
checking the last cabinet she sighed and filled a mug with cold milk.
"What were you looking for?" A voice different from the last; huskier, softer,
speaks into her ear. Taeyeon snaps around.
Nothing.
It's a miracle she doesn't spill any milk, what with the impending insanity.
She grips tighter onto her mug, ready to swing it at any moving object within her
range. Her against the world. Even if she is insane, that's what it comes down to.
"You should relax. I see you dropping the mug or spilling the milk and
slipping on it. You could hurt yourself if you are not careful, Taeyeon." The
gentleness in the voice is irrefutable. It comes from the living room. Taeyeon
rushes over to find its source. Her staring eyes find nothing again.
"Are you trying to see me?" The question sounds innocent and innocently
amused. Teasing, familiar, intimate. So might a lover call, if she'd ever had a lover.
However, Taeyeon is not up for this. No. Let insanity come for her, she isn't about
to chase it. She backs to her armchair and sits down, her hands still holding the
cold mug.
"Let me warm that for you."
Her mug suddenly heats up in her hands and her reflexive reaction causes
her to jerk her hands away. The mug lands on the floor with a crash, milk and
pieces of ceramic flying everywhere.
"Tsk. One would think I was the first ghost of the evening," the voice says
with an edge of annoyance. The pieces of shattered ceramic reform themselves,
the milk vanishes. Taeyeon finds the mug floating in front of her, a strong smell of
30

hot chocolate wafting up. "But I know you like this better on a cold winter's day,
do you not, Taeyeon?"
Taeyeon doesn't take the offered cup. She let's it float.
This ghost isn't like the last one. Just that disembodied voice, facile and
husky, raising goosebumps with its breathiness, giving the impression of concern.
Like a mother's voice should sound. Like her mother sounds in her dream. This
dream. This continuing dream.
"Am I scaring you?" the voice asks gently. Taeyeon's nods her head wildly.
"Hmmm, well."
"M-Maybe if you weren't invisible?"
The coffee mug settles down on the table. "If I show myself, will you
promise me you'll remain seated? I hate chasing people. It's bothersome."
"P-promise." And then the ghost slowly appears. This one has longer hair,
tied up into a chignon, bright smiling eyes that curve. She's ridiculously pretty,
feminine, alluring, though oddly costumed. She wears a pointed red hat, a green
tunic, green stockings and pointed red shoes. A freaking elf? No, her ears aren't
pointed. Much. Heh.
Taeyeon has an impression of a pout and frown and the elf disappears again.
"Don't look at me like that." Disappointed hurt in those tones. Taeyeon hasn't
really had the chance to study the form, much less judge. But if pressed, she'd say
a really pretty Keebler Elf, without ear prostheses, might be close.
There is a sniff in the air followed by a 'Humpf!'
Taeyeon shakes her head. This is like that movie, Inception. A dream inside
of a dream. She's still dreaming, isn't she? So not fair!
A gentle laugh sounds, the sound warming her, but the disembodied nature
of it reminding her of the source. A ghost. Mustn't offend the ghost. Because she
might get scary. And apparently, ghosts don't like being judged. Who knew. "WWait! I didn't mean it. Sorry."
"Sorry for what?"
"... I don't know. What's proper ghost etiquette? I mean... you're still here."
"Of course I am, where would I go? The Past is done. My turn now."
Her turn? The book! The stupid Dickens book. How had it gone? Past,
present, future? Past, future, present? Past, present, future, present? Damn it!
Dreaming. This isn't real. It doesn't matter. Taeyeon's lips twist in a grimace. A
joke of her tired brain or not, the words and visions don't really matter any more
than before. She steps from her chair.
"Taeyeon, where are you going?"
31

"Back to bed," she says, her voice rushed, monotonous, annoyed. She isn't
going to play games with a ghost, not this one. She trails back to her bedroom and
closes the door. Her bed. She'll just sit in it and hope insanity will go find someone
else to bother.
"You promised," the spirit's voice sounds in her ear, reminding her.
Taeyeon blinks. "Huh?"
"No running away. You forget?" A hand appears in front of her. Palm
outward. It stops her halfway to her waiting blanket. It freaks her out. A bit. Okay,
a lot.
"Come with me." The disembodied hand grabs her sleeve.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!! "What?! Where?" Taeyeon chokes out when she
can breathe. "N-No! Let me go! I don't want to do this!"
"Must you be a chore?" Then the hand pulls her to the bedroom door which
opens on its own. Of course it does. Down the hallway to the closet. "Put on some
shoes, I don't want you getting frostbite."
"I didn't need shoes before!"
"We're unique."
"What?"
"Each spirit different. Including different rules, yes?"
"Yes? No? I don't know!"
"Are you throwing a tantrum? Having a breakdown?"
"... I guess a tantrum. Sorry? Should I apologize?"
A glowing finger points at the closet.
Taeyeon puts on her running shoes, hands slightly trembling, feeling very
put upon. Rules. How is anyone supposed to know the rules? She's on the verge of
rebellion when the glowing finger wags in front of her nose. Bother.
Then Taeyeon, CEO of a hundred person firm with offices not all that far
from the heart of Manhattan finds herself being dragged to the front door by a
hand, a nicely turned out hand to be sure, with slim, pretty glowing fingers. She
catches a glimpse of her front door opening and then the world blurs sideways.
The only thing she can say is, "That's funny," as she blinks through space,
through buildings, through walls, through people.
She doesn't know where she is heading entirely, it's a smear of fast-forward
impressions, swift motions of passage, scenes of flashing snow and smears of
Christmas lights, yellow taxis, skyscrapers, bustling Manhattanites. New York is
the city that never sleeps, and the Christmas season is a busy time.
Rockefeller Plaza with its enormous Christmas tree, the skating rink, the
32

NBC studios, Tribeca, Soho, Little Italy, the dark of Central Park. She can
recognize famous sights, not from first hand experience but from advertising
media. It's funny how little she's been around the city. Her life normally revolves
around a three block section. Work, home, grocery store, in a never ending cycle.
Why, it would take a ghost's hand to break her out of her boring routine, wouldn't
it?
In response to her half-mad giggle the mostly invisible ghost says,
"Everything can be funny, Taeyeon. You just need to look into life with a positive
tilt." They're tilted forward now, racing. Black water under her feet, a broad
expanse of it, then tangles of concrete jungle. Queens? Long Island? This is Long
Island.
Then the world stops. Houses. Streets. Parked cars.
"And here we are."
"Here? Where?"
"Come, there's something I wish to show you."
The city has almost disappeared, there is grass peeking through the snow,
neat hedges. Gasp. A suburb? But not just any suburb. It's naggingly familiar. "I
know this place, I think."
The hand lets Taeyeon go in front of a house. This house is a bit smaller than
the others, older, but brighter. Warm and glowing and welcoming in the white
snow. Taeyeon moves to one of the windows, her breath fogging the sill. She uses
her hands to wipe the condensation, stinging them with cold, though the parts of
her that aren't touching the world don't feel any chill at all. So strange.
It's Sooyoung's house, and there is the tall woman, moving closer to the
window. Panic flickers across Taeyeon's face. Her partner will be full of questions.
It's the middle of the night, and Taeyeon is in her sneakers and pajamas. And she's
having some sort of waking-dream hallucination thingie. What will be her excuse
for being here, at this ungodly hour. Sooyoung is wearing her office clothes and
coat. The same outfit from today.
Taeyeon tenses, anticipating Soo's consternation and puzzlement... but
there's no reaction on Sooyoung's face. Taeyeon realizes her partner isn't focusing
on her but past her... or rather, through her. Looking out the window, a cup of
something in her hand, Soo's face looks tired. Taeyeon feels the awkward smile
she's been trying on slide off her face. What the... Unbidden her hand raises and
she raps the window smartly.
Sooyoung's gaze doesn't move at all. Taeyeon is invisible.
"She can't see you." Taeyeon feels dizzy, unreality pressing hard against her.
33

Insanity doesn't need to make sense, but it would be nice to know the rules. She
feels sick, nauseous, adrenaline fleeing. Her knuckles move away from the glass,
and turn pale as she forms a fist. The stupid book. She wants to rail at her partner.
This is YOUR fault! Instead her voice is flat when she says, "The Present."
"Hmm?"
"You're the Ghost of Christmas Present and this is tonight. I mean, today's
night. Right now!"
"Right on, cowgirl. Yes. Aye. Correct. Yippekayay? My... homegirl? It that
akin to a tribal greeting? You must admit human languages evolve in confusing
ways. I've never really understood it." Finally, the spirit reappears next to Taeyeon,
like the Cheshire Cat, a glowing arm is draped over Taeyeon's shoulders. She can
feel the weight of it growing as the form solidifies. This time the pointy red hat is
crushed under a fur lined hood which is part of a poncho looking thing. Taeyeon
tries to resist the half hug that draws her closer. It's the same trick the previous
ghost has done, but this time it's even more forceful. Insistently conspiratorial and
charming. My, aren't we having fun! Together!
"I think you have your memes confused."
"What's that?"
"Nothing. Why here? Why did you bring me here?" Taeyeon asks and turns
to look at the hooded figure. The ghost looks back at Taeyeon as if with a
newfound amusement, a brilliant smile rolling across her face, transforming it into
the epitome of what a smile could be... in heaven. Taeyeon's tummy does flips
again, though not for the same reasons as before.
"Do I sense a hint of acceptance?" A slim glowing finger touches a lip,
pursing now, as if she is deciding what and how much to tell. At Taeyeon's stony
silence the spirit sniffs and says, "We are here because Sooyoung is an important
person to you."
"That's all?"
"Need there be more to it?" she asks archly. "Have you not taken to heart all
that The Past has shown you?"
"The short, blonde-headed pixie?"
"Pixie. Like Tinkerbell? Ha ha. I suppose, though she probably wouldn't like
it. She's sensitive about her height."
"Why... why this? Why are you here? Why did the other one show me those
things? Why me?"
"Taeyeon, you are our assignment."
"Out of everyone else in the world?"
34

"Are you not special? Who else do you know better than you?"
"That's sophistry!"
"Yet the truth. Out of all people who breathe this night, you have won our
attention."
"Lucky me. I would have preferred winning the lottery."
"You don't play the lottery."
"The odds are stupid. I wonder if I need therapy, or if drugs will cure me... "
"We're trying to help you. Now, if you'll pay attention. We haven't much
time. In fact, we have only the present." And then the Present nods her head at the
window, as if to say, 'Let's stick with the program, homegirl.'
"It must be fun tormenting people on the clock." Even as she says it Taeyeon
wishes she could take it back. To her ears it sounds immature. Whiny.
"This is important, Taeyeon."
"Important to who? Me? I see Sooyoung every day. This... is bothersome.
Why?"
There is no smile in the look, but there is a wistful earnestness, a willing and
welling of empathy. "Your life should be important."
"It is. To me. I don't see why you should care though."
"We all care. Believe that. Will you believe me?"
"... Fine." What was she even agreeing to?
"Good. Now listen carefully."
"To?"
From inside an unfamiliar voice sounds, "Sooyoung! You shouldn't come
home late like this all the time. It's dangerous." The words are clear, as if the wall
isn't there. Clear and immediate, caring, lovely, rich. Then Taeyeon realizes she is
standing inside the house, The Present's arm still around her shoulders.
Sooyoung turns to face the voice, setting the mug of tea on a table. The
unfamiliar voice belongs to a slim figure with raven black hair that's messily tied
into a bun, but somehow managing to look artful, exposing a long neck as graceful
as a swan's. The woman wears a lace peignoir under a silk gown, as if she's
stepped out of someone's dream. She helps Sooyoung take her coat off, putting it
on a coat stand in the hallway, easy and comfortable, familiar with the routine and
surroundings. Then the woman in lace and silk steps close and hugs Sooyoung,
molding a slim but curved body tightly to the taller woman. They make a pretty
couple.
"I had to make sure a few things were settled before I left. Monday's a
presentation day and Taeyeon can be a pain sometimes, but it wasn't anything I
35

couldn't handle." Sooyoung offers a solemn smile to the woman in her arms. "And
you shouldn't wake up like this. I told you I work long hours. At this rate, you're
going to have eye bags bigger than your eyes."
Doe's eyes in a perfect face, with no trace of dark circles or eye bags,
beautifully formed, elegant and gorgeous. She may be the prettiest woman
Taeyeon has ever seen. If one doesn't count ghosts.
"Yours are much worse, Soo. And tell me again why you even hide your
working hours from Taeyeon? It makes no sense."
The taller woman chuckles. "I'm trying to set a good example to her. She's a
maniac workaholic. If I can show her that I get my work done and still leave at a
decent hour... well, you get the drift, don't ye, me matey?"
So... Soo had been in her office when Taeyeon had left? But Soo is always
one to leave early. The thought disturbs Taeyeon. Why would Sooyoung be
bothered to do something so pointless? As if. Why does she think she can change
me? What does it matter? Why does she care? Taeyeon thinks furiously. The spirit
next to her is rapt in giving her attention to the couple, luminously beautiful eyes
lingering on their hug.
Taeyeon feels the draw, the easy way the women hold each other. But like
she's always done, she looks away, discomfort roiling. After a moment Taeyeon
points her finger at the stranger. "Is that-- "
"Yoona. Yoona Im. Or Im Yoona in the language of your ancestry. Quite
exotic in these lands."
"Ah."
Yoona asks, "You're not going to quit, are you?"
"Well, ah, that." Sooyoung rubs her neck meekly in response. "I don't think I
can, dear."
"You don't think?"
"Im Yoona."
"Choi Sooyoung?"
"Yes, dear?"
"I won't be diverted. Not this time. I-- I know it's not my place to talk to you
about your job. After all, we work in different fields and we have different
responsibilities, and different schedules, and we know different people and even
us, we're different from most others... " Yoona sighs, foundering, but she continues
after a beat, "But in a way, even if we're this different-- "
"We're still here?"
"Which is quite a miracle I think." Yoona shyly smiles and sighs contentedly
36

as Sooyoung draws her tighter.

Taeyeon is confused. What is Yoona?
"Yoona is a model and actress. Singer too. She's getting to be fairly well
known."
Taeyeon raises an eyebrow of doubt. Entertainer. Entertainment is something
Taeyeon doesn't know all that well. No time for it. She's never heard of Yoona. But
the woman is... impressively present. She would be a difficult person to ignore
anywhere. But famous? Sooyoung wouldn't get involved with someone famous.
Would she?
"She's somewhat a newcomer, appeared in a couple of TV shows, a musical
album. Some of your press have called her an Asian J.Lo. That's a abbreviation,
not a mononym, of one of the more famous celebrities, I believe. Regardless,
though Yoona has not quite become a household name, she is thought well of in
her industry. Many people are interested in her. The 'it' girl of the moment." The
Present gestures at the magazines and papers laid across the coffee table. They are
open to pictures of the beautiful swan, a legal pad holding copious amounts of
precise handwriting. Notes? "But I suppose you do not need to know that. Simply,
she's successful and becoming more so."
"How does she know Soo? We're advertising execs and I've never seen her."
"How on earth do you do your job? Are you not supposed to understand
fame and the public consciousness?"
"Wha-- I-- "
"One of Sooyoung's charity projects, the things you have no interest in,
remember?" The tone is slightly accusing. Taeyeon sniffs. This last thing,
something to do with homeless shelters. Taeyeon wants to protest that there is no
profit to be had in pro-bono work-"Never mind. Here. Pay attention." The spirit gestures at the pair.
"Soo, you're so talented. You could work anywhere. I've even asked my
agent to help out and he's beating the offers back. A lot of firms love you, they
follow your work. You're the creative brains at Apex and the people in your world
know it. Here." She retrieves a business card from a pile of material on the coffee
table and hands it to Sooyoung.
Soo's eyebrows rise in surprise. "Omnicom?"
"The biggest ad agency in the world. I went to a party they threw. They
know you. You could do a lot there, Sooyoung. Or anywhere. You don't have to
stick with your start up, working those ridiculous hours."
"Dear, there are other talented people at Apex. And Taeyeon is a driving
37

force in our success. I can't begin to take credit. It's a team effort." The taller
woman looks at the folders, noting the names. Five of the top six agencies names
are represented. Yoona... what had she done to catch this beauty's eye? Elegant,
talented, gorgeous. Sooyoung feel happiness at the care she receives. Anyone
would be blessed to have someone like Yoona in her life. "But, thank you, dear.
I'm touched."
"You can say 'thank you' later, after you pick one of these companies."
Sooyoung shakes her head. "I won't."
"Soo... "
"I can't just leave the kid behind," she explains and slumps down on the sofa,
pulling an unresisting Yoona down with her. "You should've seen her in high
school, she was a walking train wreck."
High school. Damn. Stop. It's just a dream! But a strangely consistent
dream?
"Hmmm." A note of... dissonance in the swan's expression. Yoona would
also be a hard one to disappoint and Taeyeon finds she is holding her breath.
Sooyoung looks at Yoona. "What?"
"You've always seemed-- " She thinks for a second. "You care a lot about
Taeyeon."
"I do."
"But it's like, she doesn't really care back. I've never heard you say anything
positive about her, and she never gives you anything but a hard time."
Taeyeon opens her mouth to refute the character assassination in progress,
but a ghostly finger pokes her ribs. Shhhhh.
"There's that unicycle in our garage."
"Which you can't even ride. And that's from when you were in university."
Yoona frowns. The talk is going nowhere and it could possibly lead to an
argument. She doesn't want one, not about this issue. Besides, it wouldn't do to
seem jealous of a person she's never met. Even if she is... a bit.
"I'll-- well... I'll think about it?" Sooyoung pauses. "Not now, maybe in a
couple of months, when she can stand on her own two feet? The company is busy,
growing. But not now."
"But, Soo, we're so busy we barely see each other during the week when I'm
in town, much less now that I'm starting pre-production work on the new movie.
How are we getting married like this?"
Taeyeon blurts out, "Wait! Whoa. Stop the action!" And as if The Present is
present, time stops, Sooyoung and her girlfriend becoming brilliantly detailed
38

sculptures.
The spirit turns her cowled head towards Taeyeon, an eyebrow raised.
"Yes?"
"Why didn't Sooyoung tell me she's in this kind of relationship? She said,
'Thinking of settling down.' Marriage? Marriage? I-I'm her partner!"
A ghostly chuckle. "She's tried to tell you on any number of occasions, but
you never have the time to listen, do you?"
Taeyeon blinks, remembering the instances when she's brushed past
Sooyoung in the hallway, running from one meeting to the next, ignoring an
upraised finger, the request for five minutes of her time. All forgotten. If it isn't
business, it isn't important...
The Present gestures and the wax dummies became flesh again.
"I haven't told Taeyeon yet."
"You haven't?"
"I'm planning to tell her over our dinner, if she comes."
"And if she doesn't? You said she never comes over."
"I'll just... send her a card," Sooyoung looks up at the ceiling. "And if we're
lucky, she'll read it and not throw it away." I hope Taeyeon realizes that it was a
first edition. An expensive first edition.
Sooyoung... married. Why is the thought so bothersome? Soo's always had
romantic entanglements, but marriage? She can't be that stupid, can she?
Taeyeon blows out a breath through her nose, annoyed that this is somehow
important. This isn't important. If Soo wants to... to throw her life away... "This is
not relevant to me at all," Taeyeon exclaims. "Why are we even here? Can we
leave?"
"Really?" The spirit shifts them outside, a single step becoming the length of
a dozen. "Then why do you sound upset, Taeyeon? Is there something you'd like to
say?"
"It's none of your business! Sooyoung has her life and I have mine. There are
no correlations between us outside of work."
"You live in denial," The spirit's voice sighs. It is a warmth still, even if
Taeyeon wants to deny it, but the edge of certainty chills her.
"I don't!" Taeyeon snarls. "I-I'm just... upset by-- by you! This! Or maybe
I'm having a really bad night. Or maybe I've got indigestion! Whatever the reason,
I don't care to share."
"Really? Upset tummy or upset heart?"
"Sooyoung's an idiot for wanting more. Can we move on?"
39

"How do?"
"This is stupid. Marriage is a waste of time, a-- a-- holdover from when
people lived in villages all their lives. The SAME village."
"You've lived in the same three block radius for five years. Have people
really changed? Their wants? Their needs?"
"Get out of my head! That's cheating!"
"Silly Taeyeon. Denial. You live there."
"Fine. Fine! You want to talk about this? Let's talk. Marriage. All the money
spent on one particular day, the rank commercialism of it, and I should know! One
of my first accounts was a wedding shop! Flowers, a cake! Flour, butter, sugar.
Two thousand dollars. The gown, the photographer, it's so stupid! And the ring!
Carbon arranged in a nice shiny lattice, boom, there's three month's salary for
some poor schmuck. If Christmas is commercialism run stupid, what the hell is a
particular day in front of dozens or hundred of people, half of whom you don't
know, and will never meet again, promising solemn vows that most people can't
even keep to for more than five years?"
"Ah."
"Ah? Ah, what?"
"You make it about money, but it's deeper than that. Isn't it?"
"Oh, yeah, sister. You want it? Try this on. Two strangers meet. 'Hey, she's
hot. Hey, she's cute. Wow!' The sex is awesome. Six months later, bam! The two
strangers suddenly think they can share the rest of their lives together. What the
hell is that? Trust or idiocy? Love or hormones? Hmm? Then they go into debt up
to their necks to feed expensive food to people they'll never see again, take
pictures that they'll never look at after the first month in clothes that cost as much
a car that they'll never wear again and for what? So that one day, a month, a year,
five years later, they wake up and realize it was the biggest mistake of their lives?
How is that a good thing? Have you seen the divorce rates? It's moronic! It's the
height of human folly. People are selfish idiots! And what if they had children?
Huh? What happens to the kids of those failed marriages?"
"A lot of them grow up well."
"And a lot of them don't! Look at me!"
"Look at you. Yes, we are-- "
"Never mind! I went through my past already. Thankfully, for Soo and her
girlfriend, children won't be an issue."
"They might adopt. They might make a withdrawal at the bank. Children
enrich a marriage."
40

"Children cost! You know what the number one source of marriage trouble
is? Money!"
"So you think their marriage is doomed."
"People can only think of themselves! Look at Soo. She's... she's a-- she
deserves to be with someone who-- who-- "
"Loves her?"
"Pfah! Love. Who will take care of her!"
"Isn't that love?"
"No! Love is a joke. Love doesn't last. Marriage doesn't last. She deserves
better than fifty percent odds! She deserves someone who'll take responsibility for
her, someone who'll watch out for her!"
"Like she's watched out for you?"
Taeyeon's gapes, frozen, trying to deny the thought. "No. No. She's just...
crazy."
"One person's insanity is another person's love?" At Taeyeon's blank look,
wide eyed and dazed, the spirit laughs. She continues, "Love, Taeyeon, is intensely
personal. You say people are selfish, stupid, but you need to see that people do
what they do because they want to. And wanting selfishly can never compare to
wanting selflessly."
"What? Charity? For strangers?"
"That is an example, but I don't think you're quite there yet. For you, I'm
thinking more of caring for someone so much that their happiness brings you
happiness."
"Happiness. I'd say it was risk. You can try, but that doesn't mean the other
person will understand or appreciate your efforts."
"So you're risk averse?"
"Gambling enriches no one but the person running the game. Believe that. I
aced my stats classes."
"Cynic. The only certainty is death? Well, yes. But what you do with your
life is the important thing."
"You know what? I don't care how others do and act. That's their deal, their
decisions. It's when it affects me that I find it annoying."
"So. You care?"
"About Sooyoung? Of course! I-I've known her for a long time. She's my
partner."
"But you've a strange way of showing it. She's the partner you're thinking of
maneuvering out of her position."
41

"That's business! Not personal. She'd keep half ownership. I'm no thief."
"All business is personal, you idiot child. When it touches people's lives, it's
personal to them."
"I can't run a company like that!"
"Even with what you've seen, her loyalty to you, her love for you, you can
say that?"
Taeyeon draws a shuddering breath. It's just work. A business decision. And
it seems like lots of companies will jump at the chance to hire Sooyoung anyway.
It's not going to be a betrayal... exactly... bah! She throws a hating look at the
spirit. This night is just... really upsetting, making her think about things she's
forgotten, letting her see things she should have stayed ignorant of.
"I'm done here. I'd like to go back to my bed."
"Well, we can leave, since you seem to have learned nothing here. But I'm
not quite done with you. Shall we hie back to the city?"
"Hie? Yes. Let's hie on outta here." Taeyeon takes one last look at the couple,
still in their embrace, though it seems more Sooyoung holding Yoona's drowsing
form with tenderness, with surprising grace. Something hurts to see it.
The world blurs under her as the spirit takes her hand.
As condescending as Taeyeon might want to sound, fear resonates within
her, of what might appear next, but more, fear of what she's already seen, perhaps
changing her, working insidiously at the foundations of her certainty.
The scene that appears isn't what she expects. Queens or the Bronx, lovely
this... no, never lovely. The Present takes her down streets lit with cheap strings of
plastic lights around rusted railing, brownstones that are as much that color from
ingrained dirt and grime as the sandstone, cracked sidewalks, potholed asphalt. As
lively with cheer and joy as the season likes to advertise, here, underlying the
sentiment is the scent of grim existence, of people eking out a living anyway they
can. Muggings, car theft, gang violence, drugs, graffiti littering every flat surface...
and yet, something is here. Something... unexpected. Even as mean as these streets
are, people still smile at each other, nodding in a neighborly manner. Happy
holidays, Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Asking after the health of this
nephew or that grandmother. Adults, older folk, children, bustling about, walking
their dogs, carrying groceries. They know each other, even when they don't.
Manhattan is different. Impersonality is the rule there, everyone busy making
money, everyone busy running after opportunity.
An all-night coffee shop and bakery. It's a tiny thing, but filled with people
drinking something hot, eating warm bread, or still steaming doughnuts, paying
42

with crumpled bills and coins. No debit cards, no foreign imports idling with a
driver, no shined shoes or stoles. Just... a community of people who aren't
strangers to each other.
"Isn't this nice?"
"I don't get what you mean," Taeyeon replies bluntly. If the spirit has brought
her here to show her how the not-so-well-to-do celebrate the season, it will be a
wasted effort. It's not as if she hasn't seen the seedier side of life. The world is full
of the unfortunate. So what if they find comfort in shared misery? Didn't they see
life wouldn't treat them any better until they worked for it and got away from these
places full of criminals and addicts and sub-par public schools?
The Present gives her an annoyed look. "Hmm."
They blur from store to store, from little street corner gatherings to houses
where parents struggle to put together complicated toys for the happy day, when
children will pretend to sleep while straining their ears for the noises of a large
bearded man in a red suit. Taeyeon rolls her eyes at the obviousness of the
attempted manipulation of her heartstrings. Does the ghost think she's that easy?
She's never believed in Santa Claus and gift giving and holidays.
There is a sniff filled with asperity and they are inside another bakery. It's
warm and smells of rising bread. Little gingerbread houses stand on display,
flanked by confections both tiny and magnificent, sugar-dusted castles with
marzipan turrets and lollipop flags. Holiday treats everywhere.
Taeyeon's tummy growls at her, the microwaved lasagna asking for
company. Stupid lasagna.
"Isn't it pretty?"
"I see kids running around on a sugar high getting dosed with Ritalin. Don't
you have anything different?"
Narrowed eyes look at her from the cowl, dark eyebrows under the pointed
hat are drawn down into a frown, darker eyes glitter.
Taeyeon feels unsure of a sudden. The spirit is a ghost. Perhaps it would be
best to not anger the nice pretty ghost.
A snort, as if to say, 'As if!' The spirit tugs Taeyeon sideways and they're
behind the bakery, in a dark alley where the only light is from barrels burning
trash. The alley is peopled with the indigent, bums, homeless, some of them
surprisingly young, runaways perhaps, all of them at the bottom of the social well.
Yet even here, there is joy. The tattered clothing is thickly layered on most,
hands held over the stinking fires, bottles of vodka and gin passing back and forth
and if the talk is mostly about which soup kitchens will be serving holiday meals,
43

still... still, there are smiles and easy humor.

How... how can these people be happy? They have nothing! Taeyeon looks at
the spirit who has brought her here and she is surprised to see the ghostly form
studying the unfortunates, an eyesmile dancing in response to their rough banter.
Of course not everyone is having a good time. Some of them are isolated, even as
they brush shoulders, lost in worlds of thought and regret or mental unhealth.
Some are shaking, not from cold but from drug withdrawal. Some will not survive
the winter.
Why aren't they at least inside the homeless shelters? It's the bloody frickin
winter! They're going to freeze to death out here.
She imagines her mother living in some place like this and she can't process
the ugliness of the thought. It's... it's not her fault her mother hadn't... she should
have called!
She looks at the ghost, expecting to see more sadness on her face for these
unfortunates, not that Taeyeon cares or anything... but it's not pity she sees on the
glowing face. Taeyeon sees... approval? The spirit leaves her there, standing in her
pajamas, and with unutterable grace the ghost moves among these castoffs and
dregs. She touches them lightly, a pat on the shoulder or stroking hoods and hats
and greasy hair.
"What are you doing?" Taeyeon calls out. Ghosts are crazy. These homeless
could have lice or cooties or something. And they smell. Taeyeon hates it.
Humanity is so ugly, uncaring. The people who have have no concern for those
who don't. And that's a truth that should matter but she hates that it doesn't.
"I'm blessing them. Easing a worry where I can. Making them happier." The
spirit dims with each touch, glowing less brightly. Her easy graceful movements
slow, become labored, as if she's walking up a mountain, but still she smiles when
she rejoins Taeyeon. "Good will, for the living. It is my wish for them, Taeyeon."
Two men start to quarrel not far from the watching pair, and the spirit moves
over and touches both their cheeks. The men start, as if jolted, or perhaps
reminded.
"Aw, man. It's Christmas. I'll beat you up for New Years. Let's forget about it
for now."
"That's right, brother man. Christmas. The holidays! I ain't sorry for taking
that last sip. But here, I got a bottle. Take a shot of this. It'll keep ya warm."
"Nah, I'm good, man. That's your last bottle and all the liquor stores are
closed."
The ghost is next to Taeyeon again, looking up as if searching for stars
44

hidden by the city lights and the smoky orange glow of burning cardboard and
plastic.
"Why did they just... " Taeyeon looks at both men, now arms over shoulders
singing a very off tune carol. Like mad men... happy mad men.
"Sometimes, Taeyeon," the spirit answers, "When we reach out to someone,
even if it's just a meaningless gesture, they heal."
"Why are we out here?"
"You said you wanted something different. Is this also boring you?"
Taeyeon purses her lips, then twists them. Different. Ugly. And dirty. Cold.
"Well, happy people bore you, it seems." The Present is presently fuming, a
quiet mutter sounding too much like a chanted curse.
For explanation Taeyeon talks. "Happy? What is 'happy'? What does it
mean? Happiness is temporary. I see my employees patting each other on their
backs all the time. When it isn't sexual harassment, it's 'that-a-boy' or 'nice' or
'wow, good job.' Empty words. And these bums. Look at them. Society has
forgotten them. We pass by and don't even notice that they're people. What's to be
happy about here? That I missed out on seeing my first bum fight? You know what
Christmas is? It's damned depressing. Why can't people treat each other with
respect and decency the whole year round? Why save it for one day? It's a
reminder to be hypocritical and two faced. It's about fighting the crowds, looking
for the best sale, the trendiest toy, about wearing ugly sweaters and godawful
fruitcake and smiling at strangers like it means something! Happy? I see people
patting others' backs, saying empty words. A job done well is a job well done. It
isn't about approval and smiling and pats. Happiness is security. Knowing the
company is going to be there when I wake up, that the office rent didn't just double
when I wasn't paying attention, that the ass-clown I fired for trying to bribe the
selection committee for the Harbor Project doesn't go home and beat his wife,
Sally or his little boy, Bobby! Happiness is knowing that the world is going to do
what it ought to do!"
The spirit smiles at the diatribe. Passion is always to be preferred over
apathy. "And yet, Taeyeon, when the world does behave, does it make you happy?
Or does it make you apprehensive, that it will misbehave upon suddenly,
disappointing your expectations should you relax your vigil?"
Taeyeon snorts. "Searching for something that's temporary at best is the best
way to find eventual disappointment."
"Like marriage? Happiness? But, Taeyeon, people live on the cusp, the
present. Life isn't something smoothly contiguous, but experiences from moment
45

to moment, points in time when realizations are made, memories formed. You say
happiness is temporary. Verily. Life is temporary, gifted to us for a span of time,
and in that span, do we all search for happiness, security, faith and hope. Love.
Your cynicism aside, you know this, deep down. You do know this, under all of
your fear."
"I am not afraid."
Now the spirit scoffs. "You say humanity is selfish. But humanity is gifted
with empathy. How we express that defines community. Taeyeon, your view is
narrow. Shuttered. You do not want to be part of anything, or any community. Can
you not see the error of your reasoning?"
"I just want to live as I have. What's wrong with that?"
"Community, Taeyeon. You exist in a community. Denial is no fit place for
you. You are a part of others' lives, whether you wish it or not. And whether you
wish to believe it or not, you too need community. Sharing. Shared interests are
what allow society to even exist. We can only feel ourselves, we can only know
ourselves, truly. But if a person is hurt in front of you, do you not wince? It is not
your pain, but you have known pain and can know what she feels. We see each
other as mirrors, reaching for our self image, hoping the image reaches towards us
in turn. Can you reach outside of yourself? We are all individuals, but
commonality, shared humanity, seeing more of the life and less of the differences
speaks to us, to what is inside of us. As you say, happiness is temporary, because
human perception and understanding is limited by fading memory. But that doesn't
have to stop you from seeking new happiness. New happiness, Taeyeon."
"Then that makes happiness a drug and people junkies, looking for a fix."
"Happiness is what lets us endure the pain of life. The memory of happiness.
It isn't a drug, it is sustenance, as necessary as food or water or air. Ephemeral
humanity requires it."
"Whatever. I don't know, I don't care if it's true for others. I don't need
happiness. I don't need to chase it and be disappointed by it."
The Present laughs, a velvet sound, richly mellifluous. Taeyeon is resistant,
frowning furiously, but the spirit knows her words have struck true. Much thought
will proceed behind those eyes after their time together. "You wish a truth? Here is
one. I tell you this, Taeyeon. Life is wasted on the living."
The words surprise Taeyeon and she finds sharp amusement. "Hah! You can
say that as a ghost."
"Everyone dies, Taeyeon. In the book of life that you carry here," and a
glowing solid finger taps Taeyeon between her eyes, "What you write in it, the
46

lessons you learn from it, will be your personal testament. But your legacy, what is
remembered of you when you are gone must be shared to be known. No woman
wishes to be an island. I was once as foolish as you, as lost, as proud, as
stubbornly sure I needed nothing and no one. Too late did I see that every action,
every word, every gesture I performed had an affect far beyond myself. Like
ripples in a pond. A pat, a smile, a hug or kind word, our actions ripple outward,
touching lives. Far from meaningless. The simplest thing can change a life."
Taeyeon mocks, "Tell me something I don't know." There had been no kind
words for her, growing up.
"A single word can change someone's world for the better."
"A single word can destroy someone's world." A single punch. A single
curse, a kick, a slap. A sneer.
The spirit tilts her head, lips tight. "Harsh. You think your life hard?"
"I'm an accountant."
The Present shifts them elsewhere. A street of old apartments, somewhere
in... Brooklyn? A ghostly hand points up at lit windows. The surrounding units are
dark, people asleep except for an apartment on the fourth floor. They blur inside.
"Do you remember this place?"
A small cramped living room and kitchen, dingy, decrepit, a spindly
Christmas tree with a few decorations. Two gifts under it. "Should I?" Is it
familiar?
"The Past brought you here."
Taeyeon sees the tick marks under the calendar, the name Krystal written
beside each line. Jessica Jung's place. Again. Why?
The apartment is empty, as if a sudden breeze has swept the life out of it
through the open front door. It looks older. The wallpaper is peeling, the carpet
dingier. There's pain in the air, as if the rooms bleed it. On the table there are plates
and cups, still holding food and water. Soup, crackers, a hunk of ham decorated
with cloves and pineapple. None of it eaten. The spirit moves them to a small
bedroom. It smells musty, unaired. The bed is unmade, clothing hung without too
much care on a rolling hanger. A rickety desk holds papers and folders with the
Apex logo. Jung's room. Like the kitchen, it has a sense of haphazard
housekeeping, tiredness at the end of the day overcoming any need to be neat or
tidy.
Shift and they're in another room. Another small bed, but this room smells of
disinfectant, every surface is scrubbed clean, the bed neatly made. But in the
middle of the floor, next to the small bed, and incongruous for the neatness in the
47

rest of the room, is the wheelchair, partially folded, laying on its side, stained
liberally with something dark, patterned with organic splatters of vomitus.
Unbidden, Taeyeon's feet take her closer. The light reflects red on the dark stains.
Like a scream. Blood. So much of it.
Taeyeon's mouth opens, to ask, to deny, to say something but they shift
again.
A hallway, seats. Bright fluorescent light shines on tile, the smell is
antiseptic. Light from a coming dawn colors the windows. Sterile rooms, with
curtained partitions. A hospital. A blonde woman is seated alone, bent over, head
down. She's rocking slowly. There are dark stains on her gray slacks, her white
blouse.
Taeyeon feels alarm, her voice rising in stridency. "Jessica?" Her feet move
her forward but she is pulled back.
"She can't hear you."
A doctor approaches, walking through Taeyeon and the spirit and Jessica
looks up and springs to her feet, words tumbling from thin almost colorless lips.
"H-how is Krystal?" Imploring eyes, begging, pleading.
Taeyeon is shocked at how different the woman looks. Febrile, terrified, her
eyes reddened, her face as pale as a ghost.
The doctor's face is tired, but calm. She has a look of stoicism. Someone
used to dealing with distress, but finding it onerous and wearing. Her job is not to
console or counsel, but to inform, to hear with impartial ears decisions about the
lives of loved ones, to shut tears and human misery away so that she can do her
job. "Were trying to stabilize her. It isn't going well. As soon as she is stable we'll
prep her for surgery. The scope shows heavy bleeding from an ulcerated
duodenum. We have to get that patched. Soon. You were very lucky to get her here
in time before she bled out but she should never have been checked out in the first
place."
Jessica nods, acknowledging blame. "She... wanted to spend Christmas at
home and the doctors said... " It might be her last.
"Ms. Jung, you have a very hard decision in front of you."
"W-What do you mean?"
"We only have enough blood for a single operation."
The blood. Jessica closes her eyes. After so many poisons, so many
treatments, Krystal's body is worn out and sensitized to any blood not matching
her exact profile. Where a regular person can take any O negative, Krystal needs
B-, D+, MNK. Something less than one in a hundred thousand donors have.
48

Thankfully, the Jung sisters match. For months Jessica has been donating her own,
having it frozen, to add to the pitiable amount available, eating like mad to keep
her weight above fifty kilos, tottering to the subway on dizzy legs, working long
hours while her head constantly spins.
"I've put a call into all the blood banks in the city and the suburbs for more,
but you already know how rare it is."
Years of waiting for the right drugs, the right treatments. Hope that Krystal
might walk again... They'd gambled on a risky drug protocol, one that might cause
internal bleeding, but could make Krystal strong enough for the surgery to remove
the tumors.
"Your sister in a critical state, and she's very weak. The blood is the deciding
factor. We have to operate today, and on the ulcer that's bleeding her out."
"B-But there's a surgery for her legs, to remove the tumors-- "
"And we have to operate on her legs as well. But the planned procedure can't
happen. It would take time she doesn't have."
"Then what are you talking about?"
"As you know, the bone surrounding the tumors is mostly dead and starting
to necrotize. Her body can't take more intravenous antibiotics and waiting is going
to weaken her even further. She could suffer a systemic collapse, even without the
bleed."
"W-What are you saying?"
"She's failing. She could die within the day. Look, saving her legs isn't an
option anymore. Not without more blood."
"I-I can give more."
"I went through the stockpile. Your name is on most of the units. And you
donated just last week. That's too soon."
"I'm fine. I'm strong!"
"And I'm sorry. Liability rules don't allow us to take anymore from you."
"You can't... you can't mean... a-amputation?" Jessica's face is absolutely
pale. Horrified. Krystal without hope. Without her dream of walking again.
"Do you want her to live? Her legs are killing her."
Taeyeon can't take it. She turns at the spirit who looks on with sadness in her
eyes. "Get me out of here. I don't want to see this anymore."
They blur upwards to the hospital roof. The sun shines on them. It advances
in the sky, her shadow shifting like a sundial.
Taeyeon rounds on The Present, the elf in her silly poncho with her pointed
hat and dazzling smile. Taeyeon screams at her, "Why? Why do you I have to see
49

this?"
"This is your present. The lives of the people in your life."
"So? I barely know the woman! I've never met her sister! It's tragic, it's
unfortunate, but why do I have to see this?"
"To show you love."
Taeyeon falls silent. Love. Not some silly sentiment in a commercial for a
jewelry store, or the latest bouquet trends for a chain of florists. But love. Real
love. She shakes her head. "Love doesn't have any place in my life."
"You need love, to save your life, to give it meaning."
Her hand is taken and they plummet. This time to a room. In it a girl is
cocooned in tubes and wires, unconscious. The doctor hovers in the doorway and
Jessica Jung, gowned, gloved and masked is standing next to the bed.
Krystal cannot hear her. At Jessica's feet is a bag with her sister's stained
clothing, cut free while the emergency room staff worked feverishly to keep the
girl alive. She gently touches an arm and she speaks. "Hey, kiddo. Trying to duck
out on my cooking? I know your room was different. I had to sterilize it. Sorry
about the stink. I might have been overly generous with the Lysol. So. I want to
say I'm sorry. We tried. You fought the best you could. You were so brave. You did
everything right... but..."
Jessica spins away, her face flushed. No. No! She can't take her sister's last
wish away.
She pulls the doctor into the hallway.
"I can't give you permission to take her legs off. I can't. I'm not going to."
"Then she'll die."
"It doesn't matter. Losing her legs will kill all the hope she has left. Wanting
to walk again, dance again... it's the only thing that's kept her alive though all this-this... " Suffering, loss, pain. So long, so difficult. The torture of chemo, of losing
her hair, of being confined to a wheelchair in a cramped and dirty apartment
building with an elevator that never worked. Was this all the life that Krystal
would have?
"We don't have the blood."
"Can I see the list of blood donor services?"
"Why?"
"I'll go to each one, talk to them personally."
"Most of them are closed. It's Christmas Eve. There are a few in the seedier
parts of town that might be open, but I've already called all of them."
"The list. Please."
50

The doctor looks at the distressed woman. It will be a few hours until the
surgery team can assemble. If Ms. Jung goes around and sees that there isn't any
blood to be had, then she'll have to face reality.
"Three hours before pre-op. I'll need your decision by then."
The blonde nods, taking the list and races out.
Without thinking Taeyeon reaches an insistent hand to the spirit and they
move to the lobby. Jung is next to a bank of vending machines. She empties her
wallet and fills her purse, her pockets with sweets and juice boxes.
Taeyeon watches, "What's she going to do?" Looking at the ghost she gives
voice to a nasty suspicion. "How much blood can she give? I-It won't be enough."
The spirit only watches sadly as Jessica Jung heads out into the morning.
"Follow her!"
"That, you don't need to see."
"You make me care for them, you make me see things I have no business
seeing! You-- Follow her!" Taeyeon tries to leave, but finds her legs don't take her
anywhere.
"What is love?"
Taeyeon screams in frustration. "No! No more words!"
"Taeyeon? What is love?"
"How should I know?"
"But you do know."
"Stop! You know what she's going to do! You heard her thoughts, just as I
did! She's going to go out there, and with that list she's going to find places that
will take her blood without checking her! She's-- "
"Doing what she has to do. What she can. For love."
"That isn't love! That's suicide!"
"Let me show you."
The world blurs back to the dingy apartment. This time they aren't alone.
Three men, rough sorts stand in the apartment.
"Door was open?"
"Yeah. All night."
"No one home. I saw an ambulance leave."
"Too bad too, there's a cute one that lives here with her cripple sister. I seen
her. Little Asian thing. We coulda had some fun."
"Don't you guys feel bad doing this on Christmas Eve?"
"Hah. Right. Think of it as Santa's naughty Christmas present!"
"He coulda given us a better present. There ain't much here. Not even a
51

flatscreen. Crap gifts too."

Taeyeon sees the two presents. Knit gloves. A scarf. The boxes torn roughly.
"Tear this place apart. Maybe she's hiding something."
"Ewww. I smell puke. Hey, wheelchair."
"Cool. We can sell dat."
"Clothes. Nothing fancy. Here's a necklace. Lookit. Mom and Dad maybe?"
"I think that might be gold."
"I don't see no cash."
"Maaan. They don't have crap. Not even a computer. Who don't have a
computer?"
"Take anything that might be valuable."
"This is pitiful. Santa hates us."
"Ooh. Box. Heavy."
"Drag it out here."
"Da hell. Phone books? Old ones."
"Ballet trophies? Is this a tutu?"
Taeyeon watches, aghast as the three men empty dressers, closest, cabinets.
Nothing is left untouched, everything violated. Nothing respected, no reverence
paid.
Their loot is a tiny pile of dubious worth, all put on the wheelchair.
She reaches for the wheelchair but the spirit yanks her back.
"Let me go!"
"They aren't why we're here."
"Can't you call the cops?"
"No."
"What is the point then? Why show me this?"
"They're not important."
"Take me back to my place!"
"Why?"
"So I can call the cops!"
"Taeyeon, why do you care? This isn't your apartment."
"Why?" Taeyeon tries freeing herself, but the grasp but is too strong. "Her
sister is going to lose her legs or die! Their house is being robbed! How can you
even-- You want their lives to disappear just like that? This is what they have, this
is all they have!"
"And you suddenly care?"
"I... "
52

"You barely know her. Remember? It makes no difference, it has no

meaning. The Jung sisters' fates are their own, the products of their decisions and
choices in life. What has changed? It didn't matter to you then, it shouldn't matter
to you now."
"This is different! You're wrong-- "
"And what makes you think that you are right?" the ghost snaps. Taeyeon
blinks. All her words, thrown back into her face. The ghost sighs. "Pay attention.
This is why we are here."
"Hey look, I found something. This looks like it might have something
valuable."
One of them has found a box hidden behind a stack of books on the living
room shelf. It's a pretty wooden box, inlaid burl with decorative scroll work.
"Let's see what Santa has for us, now."
The box is locked, but it yields to their strength, the lock breaking with a
tinny ping.
"What the hell?"
"Cards? Birthday cards, photos. Pfft, man, we can't sell this crap."
"What a waste." He looks at the what they've collected so far. "Is anyone
gonna buy any of it, besides the chair?"
"Hear them, Taeyeon?" the ghost finally spoke. "What's in the box is just
junk to them. Something Jessica has carefully saved, something precious to her
and her sister. Junk to strangers. All that we do, knowing and unknowing, has
consequences, known or not. What is thoughtless on your part, without empathy,
can seem monstrous to others. You scoff and sigh and roll your eyes at sentiment
and feelings and friendships because they aren't important to you. But they are
precious to someone else."
"I... I..."
"There's nothing here, guys. Mebbe the box will fetch something from an
antique store."
"It's worth a try."
Suddenly, there is siren heard from down the street.
"Let's go, guys."
"No. No!" The spirit stands and watches Taeyeon, her balled fists, her face
flushed in rage as she tries to chase the men. How could this child remain so
stubborn. Would she never learn? The Past has failed, and The Present's time is
done. She has to go.
Before Taeyeon can reach the men, her fingers outstretched, almost at the
53

back of the one who is pushing the wheelchair, she is sucked back and they shift a
final time.
Here, there are no Christmas lights, no joy, no holiday spirit. Taeyeon falls
back and lands on grass. It is outside, in some place that Taeyeon doesn't
recognize, but in the distance a cemetery sits.
"It's time I say goodbye."
Feeling as if she's been slapped, pummeled by reality and pain, Taeyeon
screams, "Take me back! I have to stop them! They can't do that! Why are we
here?"
"Is here not as good as any other place? If life is worthless, if all is
worthless, but the paper and account balances of monetary instruments, what
worth is a place?"
Taeyeon is infuriated. "You... "
"Me, what?"
Taeyeon stares back, glaring, words stuck in her throat. Then she breathes.
Understanding. "You're testing me," she accuses.
The Present raises her eyebrows, gentle amusement plain.
"How do you think you are doing? If I am testing you?"
"How should I know!"
"Taeyeon, you think when you should be watching. Learning. I am not
testing you. I simply showed you what is happening in this now. Moments of a
night and day. Moments of the season. Moments in the lives of people you know
and don't know.
"Taeyeon, myriad are the lives you touch, whether you know it or not. And
from each touch, others react, becoming or leaving, hurting, smiling. These are the
happenings that you sleep through soundly at night, while you wait to repeat your
days' efforts. You wake up, you go to work, you eat, and then you sleep. And you
miss everything. You miss your life. What it could be, what it should be. Sooyoung
has her loves, Jessica has her decisions. All the people in those poor
neighborhoods have their lives tempered, made fuller by their feelings, by what
they share."
"What's Jessica going to do? What's going to happen?"
"However it turns out for her and her sister, life will go on. If happiness is
temporary, well then, so too is sadness. But love endures, the memory of it. She
will have that to hold to in the days ahead. As you've said, it isn't important to you.
Instead, let me ask you a question.
"What do you, Taeyeon Kim, Kim Taeyeon, what do you have?"
54

The Present moves closer to Taeyeon, growing with each step, until she
looks down from a great height. Taeyeon shrinks back. Nothing makes any kind of
sense. She can't escape the judgment in those eyes. All reality stands on this
moment.
From an unimaginable distance words reach her. "Every person is selfish.
People can only live within themselves. But love? Love changes everything."
"I-I I don't understand."
There is a smile, ineffably gentle. "Remember what I've shown you."
Then nothing more, The Present was gone.

55

4. Future: Jessica

he spirit had brought her to see death, or rather, the place where its

aftermath was ritualized. A verge next to a cemetery. Puffy clouds

scudded through a December sky. At least, she thought it a December
sky. On the horizon she could see the skyscrapers of the city. She was
somewhere on Long Island, with nothing but her sneakers and pajamas.
Suddenly Taeyeon realized it was frigid. Cold. Aching cold. The sun chose
that moment to go hide and the biting cold bit even harder. Every square inch of
her rose in goosebumps. She spun in a circle, looking for a road, or a person. Just
rolling hills, wooded in the distance, speckled with upstanding headstones, though
closer, she could see plaques set flush with the ground. Patches of snow, bare tree
branches. It was probably pretty in the summer. But now the message of death and
lifelessness hardly needed the emphasis.
The wind blew and she found her teeth chattering, her mind numb. She was
going to die, because an elfin ghost had forgotten to take her back home.
And then it got worse.
Like fingers, an altogether worse chill creeps up her spine, riffling her
shoulder length hair to grasp her skull, touching her ears, burrowing through them
into her brain. She feels the cold invade her nostrils, the back of her throat, seeping
through the thin cotton flannel of her top, worming under her clenched arms, up
pant legs to her knees and thighs.
Beyond cold, every joint, every muscle locks. She is frozen, immobile. She
cannot turn her head, move her feet, not even twitch her smallest finger or toe.
Only her eyes have the ability to slide around in their chilled sockets and it's a
revelatory sensation. The backs of her eyes are colder than the fronts. Even
blinking is beyond her. Movement has been taken, indeed volition, but worse, the
memory of movement disappears, her thoughts slowing to a trickle. As if she's
always been still.
What? Another?
A ghost is here. It can only be that, but a different one. Another spirit has
come for her.
The wind dies. She hears ticking, monstrous clicks growing louder, the
sound of them crisp in the sepulchral air, physical, rippling over frozen skin. Her
eyes strain to catch a glimpse of anything and then it comes, of a sudden, around
her, the air itself subsumed, ground and sky all falling in, light failing to grasp the
56

form of this spirit. Potency and intolerable attention, like glass being ground in her
teeth stops her breath.
Taeyeon is too frightened to be scared. It's more a fascination. There is
nothing familiar or humanistic here, nothing of wishing or wanting, nothing of
communion or compassion, amusement or frustration. It does not care for her
sanity, her equilibrium, her feelings, her ability to cope with its strangeness.
It simply is.
From the mist of a churned and macerated reality, where ground and light
and sky have smeared into a shard filled nothingness, a voice speaks. It is a nonsound, fired directly into her paralyzed mind, bypassing stopped up ears that have
already been claimed by the cold. It is harshly edged with intent and purpose,
though for what purpose, Taeyeon cannot imagine. It is beyond any possible
conception of experience, beyond any possible experience with which to conceive
it.
Taeyeon only knows one thing. She is frightened, focused and very attentive.
As if struck blind the voice shears existence cleanly, imprinting meaning. Its
truth is absolute.
TAEYEON KIM, THREE VISIONS I WILL GRANT YOU. THREE ONLY.
SPEAK YOUR FIRST.
The cold retreats from her jaw, her tongue, part of her mind, giving her the
ability to talk, to form words. But what does she say?
Three? Three what? Visions? Visions of what? Wait. Wait. Wait. Past.
Present. Only future remains. Visions of the future? What would be. Things in her
future. Yes. Of course. Her jaw tries to chatter, to give witness to the cold that
continues to seep inward, past her skin, through her muscle. What will happen if
the cold reaches her bones?
Bones? Bone.
Something about bone.
In a flash her past moments return. Bone, Jung, the surgery, the blood. What
is going to happen to Jessica?
The world disappears into formless gray.
Taeyeon stumbles and catches herself, to find that her nose is pressed against
glass. Jessica's back is to her, the familiar coat imprinted on her vision. Jessica is
weaving, her step unsteady. The blonde woman reaches out a hand to a brick wall,
to help her find balance. Ice and snow cover the alley.
Alley? It is an alley. Taeyeon turns back, finding a nondescript lobby. On a
locked signboard, written in cheap plastic push lettering is a blood donor
57

operation.
The woman has just given blood. Outside Jessica squats down, wrapping
both arms around her legs, her head nodding, leaning her shoulder against cold
brick. Taeyeon feels her thoughts, her exigency, her mind driven and despairing.
Three. Three's not enough! C'mon Jess, get it together. For Krystal. Krystal,
who always has a joke, who always laughs at every lame ass attempt you make to
cheer her up. Eat a candy bar. Drink something. Move!
Her purse sits in the half melted slush as she digs through it. Her fingers
shake as she tries to open a candy bar. She ends up tearing it with her teeth, the
cold chocolate crunches as she chews, crumbling, not melting in her chilled mouth
before she swallows it. The damned straw for the juice box almost defeats her, her
vision telling her there are two small foil holes, and they're both moving. Finally
she emerges victorious and she sips.
Two minutes. Just... going... to rest for a little bit.
Eventually she looks at the piece of paper. The donor services list. She
blinks at it as the letters swim. Just tired. No sleep. She hasn't slept in thirty
something hours. It's just sleepiness. She can give more. She has to give more.
Taeyeon is frozen, witnessing the way Jessica tries to convince her body to
cooperate. How much blood can the woman have left? Would every drop of it
even be enough? Likely not. And far before that, her body will fail her.
When the world has steadied somewhat Jessica stands and then promptly
falls to her knees, washed over by a wave of vertigo. The cold slush and ice
instantly soak her pant-legs, and that wakes her up. Oh. My. Cold.
Damn.
She stands slower this time and then totters towards the street. The next
place is three blocks away. She can't waste the time walking. Taxi. She needs a
taxi. A ridiculous expenditure, but Krystal doesn't have the time.
Taeyeon walks behind her, then beside her. She can't comprehend the
thoughts in that blonde head, can't make sense of Jessica's need. "Why are you
doing this? Would your sister want this? Would Krystal want you to endanger
yourself?"
But of course Jessica doesn't hear her.
Once out of the alley, the taxis trickle by in the morning sunlight. Impatience
and exhaustion surge through Jessica in odd turns, giving her a vicious headache.
She pulls out sunglasses but finds them too dark, too obscuring. She can barely see
the yellow vehicles.
One of them finally slows and Taeyeon rushes around, her hand sliding
58

through the handle. She dives in, hoping her ass won't fall through the seat to the
street. How is this supposed to work? Her feet don't fall through but her butt wants
to, so she ends up squatting next to the seat, looking up at Jessica's pale, pale face.
Jessica closes her eyes and falls asleep. Asleep. Her face is calm, unlined.
Young. Her skin so pale in the morning light that she seems to almost glow, as if
she too is becoming a spirit. Taeyeon realizes she's scared. Scared for someone.
Perhaps for the first time in her life.
The taxi slows and the driver looks in his rear view mirror. He shouts for his
fare to wake up. It's only been a minute!
It tears something in Taeyeon's chest to see the confusion in Jessica's
expression, as startlement, then fear flash. Awake, her face is a torment, worried,
worried sick.
Jessica looks at her watch. It's only been a minute. Only a minute. Grim
determination settles once more, replacing the last moments of slumber to once
again consume her. Taeyeon hears her emotions. Jessica is alone. She has no one
to turn to, no one to help her. The taxi driver shouts at her, anxious to find another
fare, annoyed that he's only made the minimum from such a short ride.
Jessica pays him, opens the door with effort and pauses, gathering her
strength to step out. Taeyeon wants to scream at her, to rail at this idiocy, but she is
struck dumb by the images in Jessica's mind. Her little sister running around the
living room, jumping excitedly at the pretty blinking lights on the Christmas tree.
The prettiest tree, ever! Heavenly smells come from the kitchen as her mother
prepares dinner, her father laughing on the sofa, distracted from his football game
by the antics of his youngest daughter.
Krystal at a ballet recital. Jessica is annoyed that her mom has dragged her
here to watch her little sister. She could be at the mall! With her friends! But her
kid sister is pretty good, she'll give her that. The solemn little face breaking into a
huge smile after the music stops. Krystal skips as she heads offstage, pink tutu
bobbing. They're going to Chuckee Cheese's for pizza, so it isn't a total loss.
Jessie! Did you see me? Was I good? Was I?
Taeyeon sees Jessica nod. The best.
The next blood donor service is in another back alley, really, a confusing
warren. She gets lost twice before finding it. Not surprisingly, it doubles as a
methadone and VD clinic. The clerk mistakes her for an addict, but she says she's
just tired. Long night. He has doubts, but she won't see any money for her
donation, and that usually keeps the druggies from trying to score a hit with
worthless blood. He sees the blood type she puts down, the string of letters, a lot
59

more than normal. White teeth flash in a smile. She explains that it's a rare blood
type. What's funny is that he's seen a request for this exact type. Nice. Very nice.
He goes through the rote questions. Have you given blood in the last sixty
days? Have you traveled out of country in the last thirty? Are you taking any
medications? Do you weigh more than 110 pounds? Her voice is dull, but
impatient. No. No. No. Yes.
He asks for ID, but she blinks after looking through her cluttered purse. "Oh,
drat. I don't have it. Look, I'm just trying to do a good deed for Christmas." She
can't give him her ID. He'll check it against the computerized donor list and see
her name.
He frowns. They need the blood. For a city of eight million people, there's
always a chronic shortage and the holiday rush means more accidents. And New
Years is just around the corner. The hospitals hate this time of year. Jane Doe it is.
She offers the back of her hand for the needle. "I don't like needles in my
arms."
Mmhmm. Maybe she is an addict, hiding needle tracks. Pretty little thing,
but she looks wasted. Pity. Well, they'll screen the blood for drugs and diseases
anyway.
She falls asleep as the bag slowly fills and doesn't wake even when he
removes the needle. It takes a few tries, each more energetic, and when she finally
wakes she's clearly out of it. He wonders if he should call her an ambulance, but
she insists she's fine.
"Just tired."
Well, aren't we all, sister.
He offers her the obligatory orange juice and she gulps it down, sitting for
the required ten minutes, nodding off twice.
He runs the antibody and tox screens on a few ruby drops. The gift of life for
somebody. He sighs in relief as none of them turn color. Clean. He calls out Merry
Christmas as she walks slowly to the door.
She replies, "Merry Christmas," in a barely audible voice and she leaves as
he picks up the phone for the courier.
Jessica is tired. More and more her mind wanders. Only four. Surely it's not
enough. Maybe one more? She sips more juice and shivers. Her body is struggling
but she walks stubbornly, one foot in front of the next. Krystal needs her. Krystal
has no one else in the world. It's as simple as that.
Where is the street? Voices, smoke. A bum's alley. Not here. She turns
around. A different alley. Her body has stopped shivering, and it isn't so cold
60

anymore. Maybe that alley will lead out? It is some minutes later that the thought
slowly forms and percolates. She's lost. Her cell has a mapping function. Can it
see down this far? Hah. Dead battery. Of course. She hasn't charged it. Oh, damn.
Work. People will be wondering where she is, even on Christmas Eve, there will
be people working at Apex. She'll call from the payphone... no. No change.
Couldn't put a candy bar into a payphone.
Why is it so dark? Am I still wearing my sunglasses? So tired. Just rest a
moment. S'good it's not cold. I'll be right there, Krystal. She'll have a good joke to
wake me up.
Taeyeon is hoarse from yelling. The woman won't listen. Can't listen. The
tall buildings block out any sun; only a tiny sliver of sky is visible. She watches in
horror as Jessica sits down in the darkened alley. A loading dock for an office
building? On a holiday weekend.
"You have to get up! You can't stay here! Wake up!" The ice is holed here
and there by indifferently sprinkled rock salt, but its presence is a testament to the
freezing temperatures.
Jessica's lips are pale, bloodless, almost blue when she slumps over. There is
no image of a hospital room with her sister, or of an accident scene that she's
driven to, her tear filled eyes blurring the broken glass into a glittering field of
stars. Those things sit in the back of her mind, always present, constant
companions through the years. But here, now, they fade away. Taeyeon listens as
Jessica's thoughts become randomness, images, words, memories. They don't
flash, but melt slowly, one into another, and another. Family. Her mother's hug.
Her father's laugh. Her sister's smile.
And then they stop.
Taeyeon screams then. Over and over.
And then the spirit comes calling, the invading chill which had vanished
earlier freezing her again. It commands her. Return.
Taeyeon shakes her head. "No. No. No! Help her. She shouldn't die like this.
Not like this."
Your wish was to see Jessica Jung's fate. She is dead.
"Leave me alone! I'm not going anywhere. Not until help comes!"
She is beyond help.
"No! To die like this, when she's just trying to help her sister... it's too...
cruel!"
It was her choice.
"She wasn't thinking clearly!"
61

It was her choice. Now, return.

"It is my choice. I'm going to wait. I-I'm going to watch over her."
Something unpleasant curls around her. Something that questions her. A
gestalt of disbelief, cruel reminding and dismissiveness. It seems to say, Why do
you care for someone you were going to fire? Was she not a liability? What
connection do you have with her? Why would you be bothered by someone's poor
decisions? Didn't she bring this on herself? The world is full of fools. She was just
one more.
"No! She was... just... trying t-to help her sister."
The spirit ignores her, vanishing silently.
Taeyeon huddles against a different cold. Her soul feels empty. The world is
colorless, and so empty. She watches as ice briefly melts, soaking into Jessica's
cheap clothing and then it starts to reform, making her a part of the pavement, a
part of winter's cruelty.
Time passes. Hours. The sky darkens eventually and two sodium arcs flicker
to life. A truck rumbles past but the driver doesn't see the small body. A car. And
then a police car, slowly patrolling, sweeping its post mounted spotlight down
every side alley. The bright light moves past Jessica's body and then moves back
as the car stops.
They check for a pulse. An ambulance is called. The needle marks make the
police think it's just another junkie. Taeyeon rides with Jessica's body to the same
hospital that Krystal is at. Though this time it is to the morgue in the lowest level.
Taeyeon looks on, numbed, as they melt the ice and cover Jessica Jung with
a sheet. Someone says the cause of death will help out the organ donation team,
but a lot of her can't be used. Too long dead. Maybe her skin?
Taeyeon shakes her head. No family. Only a sister upstairs who doesn't know
she's alone now.
How long she waits, she doesn't know. Someone should watch Jessica,
someone should be here. Someone should mourn. Time stutters and a policeman
escorts a tall woman in.
Sooyoung. Tears stand out in her large eyes as she nods at the question.
"That's Jessica. Does she... not have family?"
The cop pushes his hat back and scratches his head, frowning at his notes.
His lips are tight. Such a sad death. He's got a daughter her age. "Her kid sister is
up on the fifth floor, recovering from some sorta stomach surgery. Their place got
robbed yesterday while they were here."
"Here? She died here?"
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"No, we found her in Brooklyn. Real ugly part of town. Lot of drug users."
"Jessica didn't do drugs. I'm sure of it."
"Yeah, we thought it was weird. They did a tox screen and she doesn't have
any drugs in her system, but they think she's missing a lot of blood. There's needle
marks on her arms and hands."
"Huh? How much blood?"
"Won't know till the coroner says, but they think about half. That could be
what killed her. Well, hypothermia, but she might have passed out from the blood
loss. It's a real head scratcher. The autopsy won't be till Monday, and they're
hashing it out right now. She's listed as an organ donor, but the coroner needs most
of-- " The cop breaks off. The woman is looking a little green. Yeah, not the best
time to tell her that the doctors are trying to figure out what to take to help
someone else.
"Blood? Like... have you talked to the doctors up there?"
"Huh?"
"Something she told me once. I found her in the bathroom at work, looking
like she was about to faint, and she said she'd just given blood, but that it wasn't a
big deal. She did it regularly, for... her sister? Yes, that's what she said. Something
about rare blood types... her sister."
Sooyoung follows the policeman out, and Taeyeon gives one last look at the
face of the woman on the metal gurney. The body might have been made of
marble. No perpetual frown, no worry remained. Beautiful... when had Jessica
become so beautiful?
But empty of everything that had made her real. Taeyeon feels a soul deep
ache. She recalls her annoyance at the mousy woman, coming to tell her about the
Henderson account. A nobody. How ironic that she should become somebody...
when it was too late.
Taeyeon walks through the closed door and rides the elevator up with her
partner. Sooyoung dabs her eyes, sniffling, the policeman shifting his weight from
foot to foot, painfully aware of the woman's tears. Taeyeon is empty of tears, of
thought and reason. Why does she remain? Taeyeon doesn't know. Perhaps it's to
be a witness. Jessica's life, her death, should count for something. Anything.
But still, why is Sooyoung here? No family. Jessica had no family. So the
police would call her work? Ah. But... then, why isn't the other Taeyeon here? The
HR manager reports to Taeyeon, not to Sooyoung. Taeyeon realizes she shivers at
the thought. What might that be like, seeing her other self?
The door opens and the policeman walks out. They find the doctor and a
63

hospital administrator. They talk and the doctor gasps, disbelief on her face. She
shakes her head slowly. This can't be right.
Slowly, under prodding she fills them in. The patient, Krystal Jung, a very
nasty internal bleed from medication she was taking for her condition. Condition?
Malignant tumors in both femurs. Osteosarcoma. The bad kind. And on top of that,
a very rare blood type. None to be found in any of the local blood banks, that is
until four units showed up suddenly. Even with the four additional units, it was a
close thing, the ulcer worse than expected, the bleeding difficult to stop.
The doctor continues after a beat, slowly, wonderingly. "She... Jessica, she
saved her sister's life."
The words echo in Taeyeon's mind.
The doctor is shaking her head. "But there was no consent for the leg
surgery, the amputation. The child is still a minor, and her guardian wasn't here. So
we stopped the bleed and closed her up, but until there's clear life endangerment,
we can't do surgery on her legs." The doctor tsks. "But now we can't even do that.
No more blood, no amputation. If her legs worsen, it will kill her."
"How rare can the blood be?" the policeman asks out of curiosity more than
anything else. He's seen people die for the stupidest reasons; jealousy, petty
robberies gone bad, walking without looking both ways. But seeing something like
this... the sadness of it, it works at him. He'll call his daughter tonight, and tell her
how much he loves her.
"None in the city, none in state."
"Outside the state?" Sooyoung is asking now.
The administrator answers that, pretending not to see the anger on the
doctor's face. They've had it out before, on this and other cases. "The insurance
doesn't cover that. It would take a medical courier service, the people who move
donated organs. It's quite expensive."
Sooyoung is blazing. "Expensive? How expensive is a life? A woman is
dead!"
The administrator is grim. He repeats, "It isn't a covered service. Don't you
think I checked? And the Jungs are poor. They're far behind in their payments as it
is. The hospital is losing thousands a week that her insurance isn't covering, and
that's a problem that's only going to get worse. I mean, the insurance holder is
dead now. No insurance. That kid is in a world of hurt." The administrator is used
to being the person people hate. It's his job to make sure the hospital stays open,
and that means making hard decisions. But this... "How do we tell her? How do
we tell her that her sister is dead?"
64

The three fall silent, thinking about a girl who has lost her only family on
Christmas Eve. Sooyoung thinks of another girl who lost her mother on Christmas
Eve, and didn't even know it until a month later. The pain inside, what it's done to
her friend.
Taeyeon hears a silent scream. It pulls her. In the room, Krystal has heard.
The anesthetic has worn off enough that while the words are coming from some
great distance, still she can hear and understand them. Jessie. Her sister. Gone.
There is a clatter, a rush of sound from the room and heads turn and all three
enter to a scene from a nightmare.
In her distress Krystal has fallen. Clawing IV lines, straps, sheets, the railing,
her thin arms have pulled her free, only to fall to the hard floor. Her legs are
broken from the short impact, the brittle rotted bones inside them snapping,
shattering, jagged ends poking through her almost skeletal thighs, letting Jessica's
last gift spill onto the floor.
Krystal is reduced to gasping, the pain blinding, her hands reaching for the
light. Then she screams, "Jessie!"
Time stops. Vision stops.
It doesn't matter to Taeyeon that she can't see anymore. She's glad.
Return!
She doesn't resist the pull.
The same cemetery greets her. Before her is a headstone which leaves her
legs strengthless.
The stone is rough under her hands. Smooth-faced black granite with an
unfinished edge, the lettering on it perfectly and painfully clear. It reads,

Jessica Jung
1989 - 2014
Loving Sister

65

5. Future: Sooyoung

he same age. Taeyeon was the same age as Jessica. But the dead woman
had always looked older. Worn. By a life too hard. Her only concession
to her appearance had been to dye her hair, and that only to please her
sister. How could she do it? How could she give her life so wholly to
someone else?
Taeyeon could remember a half dozen occasions where they'd ridden the
same elevator or passed each other in the halls... and nothing could be recalled. No
greetings, no familiarity. Had Taeyeon always been so fearsome? So...
unapproachable? Jessica hadn't hated her the way some-- most-- of the employees
did.
Taeyeon was afraid. To face herself, to accept that change had to happen. If
she'd been a different person, if she'd been a better person, could Jessica have
come to her? Asked for help?
Tears fell from her eyes, to wet the black granite. Such a waste. Such a
terrible, terrible waste.
But. Change? Help? The difference between who she was, and who she'd
needed to be was vast, the gulf, the separation of their lives... Taeyeon wracked her
brain. There'd never been a single point in time before this-- this-- whatever it was,
that she could have bridged their differences. Could have been a help, the kind of
help that Jessica needed. Taeyeon knew this of herself.
A familiar frost bites deep and the demand rolls through her consciousness.
YOUR SECOND VISION. WHO?
Taeyeon doesn't know anymore. This... this is a horror. People aren't meant
to have this kind of knowledge.
SPEAK.
What could be learned from more looking? There is only despair.
Knowledge that all hope is meaningless, that life and warmth are temporary
things. But more? More. Ash and gall and bitter dregs await. She knows this
already. She already knows that the world has nothing beyond the lonely life she
leads. Taeyeon knows she'll never trust enough to find love. It isn't so much
realizing that something is missing as it is a core belief. Ingrained from her
childhood, she has never been wanted, never been valued and so she's never
wanted, never valued anyone else. What can she learn at this late date? Who can
teach her? Who knows her best?
66

Who else but her only friend. Friend. An alien concept for so much of her
life, but somehow Sooyoung has found a place. Sooyoung has earned her respect.
Not by trying to fit, but by being herself. Sooyoung is the one who always has
hope that the world might turn out to be a nicer place than it lets on. The optimist
to her pessimist, the balance for her severity, her asceticism.
Sooyoung who has shared so much of her life. With her effortless ability to
know and care for people. Sooyoung who once turned up at the office with a box
full of puppies found under a bridge, their mother dead on the street, swollen teats
evidence of hungry mouths somewhere close. Sooyoung, filthy from crawling into
a culvert under the embankment, but her eyes so pleased, her smile huge. Taeyeon
remembers the horror. Mutts. Of no value at all, running around her office.
Sooyoung had found them all homes. Even the one that licks Taeyeon's
hand, wagging its ridiculous little tail.
Want one?
Of course not!
Soo who never stops with her charity work, no matter how much Taeyeon
sneers.
Soo understands. She knows what life is, what it should be, so much better
than Taeyeon ever could. What does she know? What can Taeyeon learn from her?
"Show me Sooyoung."
The world ends, yet again, the cold becoming so intense she feels her
eyelashes shiver with frozen tears, motion, breath all locked in stasis.
And then she is moving again. No, she is in a car. Standing on the floor,
behind the driver, bent low. It is Sooyoung, driving.
Taeyeon shuffles forward, through the front seat to look at her friend.
Sooyoung's mascara is a mess, ravaged by crying. She is driving but her mind is
taken up by other thoughts.
First is her love for Yoona. She desperately needs to hold her love after
today. It has been a horror. Absently she takes her left hand from the wheel,
rubbing her fingers. There is blood on them.
A flash and Taeyeon is hearing Soo's thoughts, hearing the poor, poor girl,
crying, screaming. The doctor trying to calm her, her hands hovering over the
shattered legs. She needs gloves. She runs for them, shouting for a nurse. The
administrator is frozen, aghast, probably thinking of liabilities, of being sued, of
having other patients and their families complaining, of reading bad press in the
news. Soo knows the type. That's how Taeyeon would think. Company first,
always.
67

Sooyoung shakes her head. She cradles the broken girl. Krystal. Wearing a
knit hat. Something hand made, and poorly at that. Sooyoung instinctively knows
it's from Jessica. Krystal has no eyelashes, no eyebrows. Is there beauty there? The
girl is thin, birdlike. What did she look like, before her illness? Will the world get
to see what she might be? More blood is spreading out on the floor, and the girl
finally succumbs to shock and pain, falling still. Is she dead? Or unconscious?
Nurses arrive, in a clattering rush. And they have to pull Sooyoung away
forcefully.
There is no blood for Krystal. No sister. No home. No hope.
Sooyoung stands. The precious blood on her legs, her shoes. She drags the
administrator out. Find more blood. Have is delivered. Do it. NOW!
But her insurance won't cover that!
Sooyoung pulls out a Platinum American Express, her eyes glittering
dangerously.
Find. The. Blood.
And he does. Two phone calls. Ten minutes. Twenty three units, all of it in a
San Francisco blood bank. Only there's a problem. No way to get it here. The
planes are all booked. Every flight. Solid. Beyond solid. Some blizzard in Texas
has snarled air traffic across the nation, and it's Christmas Eve. No room, no nonstop flights available in the next hour. Even if there were, it would be five hours to
get the blood here. The doctor is there now, listening, shaking her head. Too long.
Krystal might hold out for half that. There's no time. No way that she can survive
for so long.
Sooyoung goes to the bathroom and cries. Two sisters will die. One she'd
known, the other she has held. Who will remember them? Who will note their
passing? Two anonymous deaths in a day when thousands across the world have
died. There is no way to save them. To keep Jessica's wish alive.
Taeyeon hears this. Feels this. Sees this. The vision is multifaceted, spanning
minds and miles. She knows the thoughts as they connect the people.
In a home, a worried mind, a body paces. Yoona. Eyes catch a glimpse in the
mirror. They're just her eyes, but people call them beautiful. But all she sees is
Sooyoung, her love putting on makeup to hide the dark circles, the way she droops
every night, trying to stay awake. Yoona had hoped to have a nice holiday
weekend, where her love can sleep in, can rest. Where is she? Sooyoung has been
gone too long. Why won't she call? Yoona hates to nag. Yet she worries. The
rushed call from earlier, something about having to go to a morgue? New York can
be a rough city. Yoona hates that Sooyoung drives there everyday in her beat up
68

Accord, but Soo loves her car. Her first car out of college. Yoona wears a hat and
sunglasses every time they drive somewhere, but no one expects one of the hottest
stars in the world to ride in such a thing. Yoona's mind branches, working along
different paths of worry and fret. Her agent loves her, loves her popularity, but he
warns her that if her lifestyle comes out, if the paparazzi get wind of where she's
living, and with whom she's living, it could get sticky. Though even bad publicity
is still publicity, eh?
But her main worry is for her Soo. The woman with the biggest heart, the
biggest smile. A death? Soo in a morgue. Yoona shivers. Why won't she call?
Finally the woman throws up her hands and dials.
There is ringing, and ringing and then Soo answers, fumbling the phone.
Sooyoung is in tears. Barely intelligible, something about blood in San Francisco.
A rare blood type. A girl. Legs. Dying. What? Who's dying? Oh. No. That's
horrible. The blood that could save her, 3000 miles away and no way to get it to
her.
Yoona's mind races. She snaps her fingers. There's a part in an Air Force
movie they want her to read for, the liaison to their publicity office smiling
toothily. She'll get to fly in a really fast airplane. She tells Sooyoung to hold on. To
wait for a call. Harry, her publicist, is at home, but he always takes her calls. She
lays it out in thirty seconds. Time, there is no time!
Harry loves the idea. It's great publicity and Yoona finds herself yelling at
him. This is more important than publicity, you idiot!
Harry snorts. Being famous is work, babe. The fact that you could even think
to borrow a fighter jet is because you're famous. And it's for a good cause and it's
Christmas Eve! Damn, I couldn't make this up if I tried. The press is gonna love it!
Yoona gives him Soo's number and it's not five minutes later that Soo calls
her, relief so powerful, ecstatic.
Ecstatic. Sooyoung hangs up... a rush of victory... and then a sigh. She sags
against the bathroom partition. No. No joy. A sister is still dead. Krystal will wake
up with no legs, if she wakes up at all. And she won't want to wake up. She won't
want to live. And it's not the loss of her legs that will weigh on her. Her sister,
gone. Alone in the world. The aching void in her life. She won't eat. She won't take
her medication. She won't live, even if she's alive.
Well. She won't be alone. Even if she's a little monster, she can't be any
worse than Taeyeon.
At this Taeyeon in the car blinks, dragged back to this reality. Soo thinks that
she's a monster? But. But Soo is her friend. And why does Yoona get to call her
69

Soo? That's her name for Soo!

Silence has become a habit and Taeyeon pouts at the driver. Where is Soo
even driving to? They've been making right hand turns over and over. This is
lower Manhattan... and there's Apex. Why is she just driving around the block?
There's plenty of parking.
As if she can hear her, Soo pulls over, her blue Accord wheezing a bit,
rattling, as if in relief. Soo pulls out her phone. It buzzes. And buzzes again.
A sigh and she opens it. Taeyeon can see the caller ID through Soo's eyes.
Taeyeon, the other Taeyeon, the real Taeyeon, is calling.
This Taeyeon finds she's holding her breath.
Twenty-one missed calls. All from her. Taeyeon is going to be furious. She
hates being ignored... yet she doesn't think anything of ignoring others' calls.
This Taeyeon frowns. Why is it that she's never thought this before?
That Taeyeon is ignorant of anything but herself. Ignorant of her friend, her
employees, their lives, their problems, the happiness of others. She only sees her
own concerns, her own worries. As if... that Taeyeon is someone else?
When had this happened?
I'm changing? Impossible. Taeyeon shakes her head. It's too late to change.
Taeyeon finds that she's dreading the moment when Sooyoung will answer
the phone. She's dreading herself.
Sooyoung is thinking. Resolving. Deciding. Soo's thoughts are a well and
Taeyeon falls in. Emotions and images are densely compacted; ambivalence,
admiration, resentment, anger, lots of anger, and at the bottom of it all... is love.
Taeyeon blinks. Love?
Love. B-But Soo loves Yoona... Oh. Soo loves everyone. The woman is a
fountain of it. Soo is weird.
Sooyoung answers the phone.
"What the hell, Choi!? Why didn't you pick up? I've called you like twenty
times! Where have you been? Where are you?"
"I didn't have a chance to answer. I've been busy. I want to go home."
"Busy? With what? There's work to be done! I can't believe you're slacking
right now. Can you believe, Jessica Jung didn't even come to work? I couldn't
reach her all day either. It's like no one else in this company even cares."
"Taeyeon..." Sooyoung said softly, earnestly. Please don't do this right now.
"We have Henderson's presentation on Monday, on Monday! How is it going
to look if the presentation isn't done?"
"I'll come in and do it, tomorrow. I promise." Right after I find out how
70

Krystal is. Is the blood on its way? Will it get here in time?
Taeyeon's tone is incredulous. Flat. Disbelieving. "Promise? Don't you have
your Christmas dinner tomorrow? When would you be able to do this? Promise.
The world doesn't work on promises."
Don't push me, Taeyeon. "Would it be the end of the world, if this
presentation didn't get done? The Henderson account is a small potato, barely
worth our time. You've seen the projections. Four branch offices, little room for
growth."
"Every account is important! Henderson's may be small now, but we were
small too."
"Taeyeon, you want every penny you can get, but you're driving your
workforce into the ground to get it. It's Christmas Eve, woman! You can't expect
the employees to not want to go home, to see their families, to spend time... to... "
Sooyoung's hand on the steering wheel is tight, her teeth clenched. Don't make me
come up there, Taeyeon, because I'm really stressed right now. I don't want this. I
just want to go home and hug Yoona.
"Are you... Sooyoung, are you telling me how to run this company?"
"I will be in tomorrow."
"There are people here, now. There won't be tomorrow. You can't to do this
by yourself. And what if Jung doesn't come in tomorrow? Then, it's not going to
happen at all. She needs to figure out this layout. Damned worthless slacker."
Sooyoung is out of the car now. Her face is absolutely furious. Her stride so
fast.
Taeyeon follows behind, running to keep up, her hands wringing. How does
one... oooh. This isn't good. This isn't good. No good. No good. No good can come
of this. It's like two storms heading for each other, and this Taeyeon can only trail
behind. That Taeyeon doesn't know. And Sooyoung isn't... can't... it's too fresh. Too
immediate. Krystal's life is still in the balance.
Taeyeon stops, closes her eyes. She doesn't want to see this.
The ground under her feet moves and she opens her eyes in startlement.
She's in the elevator. The damned spirit!
Soo's phone dangles from her hand. Taeyeon can hear herself talking,
shouting, "Don't you understand how important this report is? Sooyoung? Are you
still there? Hey! He-- "
Sooyoung throws her phone down, stomps on it, the hollow sounds of
bootheel crushing smartphone booming inside the elevator's confines.
A minute later, with a snarl, Soo sweeps into the CEO's office, trailing the
71

reluctant witness.
To this Taeyeon, that Taeyeon is smaller than she expects, the look... so silly.
Eyes too wide, eyes wide open, the face looks like a child's, the desk ridiculously
large. Taeyeon knows the chair is raised all the way up, she knows her feet dangle.
But the expression on the face... Taeyeon finds herself ugly.
Soo's jaw is tight, teeth clenched. "Do you even know what's going on?"
"You hung up on me."
"Taeyeon," Sooyoung repeats dangerously, warningly.
Taeyeon looks at her partner. Some small caution must be firing off in there,
behind her eyes, and this Taeyeon can read the thoughts. It's not long before the
words come out. That Taeyeon isn't one to mince them, or care about a person's
feelings. "Why are you angry? What right do you have to be angry? I work and
work to make this company what it is and you... you ignore my calls all day and
then you hang up on me and then you barge in here, acting as if the work isn't
important?"
"You don't know what's going on! You don't know what happens outside of
your office. Taeyeon, you need to open your eyes."
"I know that the presentation, this presentation," and Taeyeon holds up a
colorful binder, "Isn't done. That's all that matters."
"Of course it isn't done!" And Soo strides forward, snatching the thing out of
Taeyeon's hand. She raises it high and slams it to the ground, then kicks it, pages
scattering wildly.
Taeyeon's face is one of shocked disbelief. The work... the presentation.
Taeyeon jerks out of her chair, her heels thumping the floor. She leans
forward and screams, "What do you think you're doing?"
Soo's hands, her breath, are shaky as she looks at pages fluttering to the
ground. When the last of them settle she rounds to face her partner. Pain is so clear
on Soo's face, shadows of anguish. Her voice cracks when she says, "W-While
you're working here, people around you are suffering. Suffering, Taeyeon. People
are... having a hard time and all you can think about are pieces of paper."
Taeyeon looks at Soo as if the taller woman has gone crazy. "I can't-- I don't
know what's wrong with you. I-- You should leave. You should not be here. I don't
have time for this."
"Do you think I want to be here? With you? Taeyeon, you bother me. The
way you talk to people, the way you deal with the employees. It bothers me. I
know there's a good person in you. I've seen her. I even know why you are the way
you are. The pain you hide. The fear. But you're never going to be happy unless
72

you change."
Taeyeon's face is flushed, her mouth opening and closing, her frown growing
thunderous. Taeyeon looks at herself. She knows she hasn't even heard Soo's
words. She's long ago dismissed her partner as a bleeding heart, a crusader and
worse yet, a dreamer. Her words are cold, clipped. "I don't have time for this, Soo.
I don't have time for your... breakdown or whatever it is you think you're doing.
On your way out, pull Jung's personnel records. Find out where she is. If you want
to salvage this, if you want to help me, you better get Jung in here, fast."
Taeyeon rounds the desk, bending down, picking up papers, the folder. She
looks at the clock. No printer is open this time of day on Christmas Eve. Someone
will have to be at the printers office first thing on Monday, and before then
everything with the presentation has to be perfect. There's no time! "No time."
Soo looks at her friend, at her grasping fingers, the edge of desperation to
them. "Time? All you can think of is time."
Taeyeon doesn't look up. "Yes, what else would I be thinking about? This is
business. For crying out loud, Sooyoung I don't need your hysterics. I don't know
what's wrong with you. But this is important to the company. The company we
built. Do you know the hours I put into this? To get this deal? It's a whole new
industry for us. Growth, Soo. You either grow or die."
Taeyeon's grubbing after the wrinkled and torn sheets strikes Soo as the
saddest thing she's ever seen. She draws a ragged breath and squats down, picking
up pieces of paper. She replies, "Grow or die. Yeah, I know. I worked on this. On
the proposal. On the presentation. On a dozen other things."
"You worked on it? Please, you're the first to clock out every day. You think I
don't look at the time reports?"
This Taeyeon remembers that Sooyoung stays later, later than her, finishing
off her work, getting home after midnight. She wakes up early to fight traffic, to
repeat her small subterfuge. She helps out and thinks of her friend. Always. And
she sees Soo holding her tongue, out of long practice. Long suffering patience. It's
become a habit for Sooyoung. She already regrets trashing the presentation.
Regrets how the days events have upset her. How Jung's sacrifice might come to
nothing. How a girl is going to lose her legs and maybe her life. How tomorrow is
Christmas and today the anniversary of the day that Taeyeon's mother passed
away.
Her partner's words continue tumbling out. Bitter words, resentful, spiteful.
Sooyoung closes her eyes as she hears, "You're never going to succeed, Soo. Not
in life, not in marriage, not in anything with that kind of attitude. You need to work
73

harder than anyone. We're women, we already have a stacked deck against us. You
can't live your life like-- like Jung."
"Stop it, Taeyeon."
"What?"
"Don't say anything more about her."
"Why? She's a slacker. Promising to come in and then just vanishing. Like
she never existed. Her phone's been off all day. I wouldn't be surprised if she
hadn't paid her phone bill on time. Stupid wom-- "
"Don't!"
The single word is spat and it stops Taeyeon. She's never seen Soo so angry.
Within her vision, clad in her pajamas, Taeyeon shivers. She knows the
rawness of Soo's heart. She knows that blurting something so dreadful, so painful
as today's events is beyond difficult, that Soo feels as if she's disrespecting
Jessica's life and death by telling Taeyeon. Taeyeon who will have nothing but
scorn for the dead woman. Soo wants to believe that Taeyeon is decent. That
somewhere inside, she is worth the... effort of being her friend. And it is an effort.
For years, Soo has hoped that success might ease the burdens of Taeyeon's
childhood. That her ambition to never be weak again might be tempered, that time
would mellow her severity and heal her.
"Don't, Taeyeon. Don't say things you're going to regret. That I'm going to
regret."
"What is with you?"
Soo deflates, breathing deep as she closes her eyes. "Did HR call you
today?"
"What?"
"Did the human resources manager, the one you hired, did he call you
today?"
"He may have. I don't know."
"He called me, when you wouldn't pick up your phone."
"And?"
"She's dead. Jessica died. That's why she isn't here."
Taeyeon tilts her head as she looks up at Soo. "Is this some sort of bad
joke?"
"No. The HR manager was notified by the police. They needed someone to
identify her body. He's out of town. Family. He called me and I went to the morgue
and I saw her. She's dead."
"Huh." Taeyeon finally notices the stains on Soo's clothing. Bloodstains?
74

She recoils, disgust on her face.

Sooyoung touches the blood, recalling how thin Krystal had been, how
pained, anguished. To keep from breaking Soo mumbles to herself, "I should
change. I will change."
"Well. That is unfortunate."
Taeyeon's words crystallize something inside Sooyoung. Soo knows she
shouldn't ask. She knows it. The Taeyeon looking on also knows it. But she does.
Is it some self-destructive urge? Seeing the disgust on her partner's face, disgust
for this blood, when Taeyeon has no idea, no conception of what it is, what it
represents... Soo asks, already knowing the answer. "Why is that, Taeyeon?"
Taeyeon wants to lunge, to stop herself from answering. She does take a
step, even awash in the futility of it all, the urge to slap a hand over her mouth
meeting the realization that she is only a witness.
"She could have finished this work first. She could have waited until I'd fired
her."
Sooyoung literally sees red.
The witness to the scene is just as aghast, just as outraged. Taeyeon looks at
herself. How. How can she be so... inhuman. Unhuman. Not. Human.
Soo's voice is cold. Hurt. "You told me a minute ago not to live my life like
Jung. Remember?"
"Yeah?"
"You should try it. You should grow a heart and learn what it is to live for
something more than money."
Taeyeon's face goes absolutely white, then starts to flush, her breath
deepening. She draws herself up and asks, "You think I don't have a heart?"
"You don't love anyone. Anything."
"Why, so I can be like you? Sleeping with anyone who catches my eye?"
"I don't do that."
"You have a new girlfriend every other week! You're never at your desk,
you're always running around, doing charity work. What is that, Soo? Is that
having a heart?"
"All you have is your desk. You live for it. Sitting here, staring at your
papers and your computer."
"It's called work. I work. For a living."
"You call this living? You call your miserable existence a life?"
Both Taeyeons gasp. One Taeyeon splutters while the other is just struck
dumb. One automatically denies the statement and the other knows it for true,
75

pierced by the knowledge, the condemnation in her friend's voice.

The one who isn't wearing pajamas growls, her hands clenched, her teeth
grinding. "If Jung is so great, why is she dead? I'd say that was a pretty big failure,
hmm?"
Sooyoung snarls back, "She died in an alley, trying to save her sister's life.
Would you even know what that means? Would you even know what being kind
and giving is?"
"Died. In an alley. Trying to save her sister. Then I take it she failed. She was
a failure, Soo. She didn't do her work. She failed at life. Is that someone I should
aspire to emulate?"
"You're mocking her. One of our employees, someone you could have seen
every day, is dead. And you're mocking her."
"Oh, so it's my fault now? Why are you even angry? What's that about? Did
I tell the idiot to go die in an alley? If she'd been here at work, she wouldn't be
dead! She should have let her sister die! Was it a mugging? A drug deal? It doesn't
matter. I can't help how people die, Soo! People die everyday! I have other things
to do, the earth still revolves, it doesn't stop at someone's death so why should I?
And why should you? Why did you have to go down to the morgue? Where's her
family? Or did her sister run away? Why do you have so much free time? Can't
you see that we're busy? Or are you only interested in charity work? Only
interested in whatever pretty girl you have waiting at home? What's her name?
Yona? Yoona? Whoever the bimbo you're dating is, why didn't you go home to her
rather than storm into my office and mess up the presentation?"
The slap comes out of nowhere. Taeyeon catches herself, her hand to her
cheek. The other Taeyeon's mouth is open, looking upon the horror of a friendship
in tatters. Why would she say those things? To her only friend.
"Don't talk about her. Or Jung, that way. You don't deserve to talk about
them like that. They're both better people than you'll ever be."
"I am your partner. I'm the one who's worked countless hours here to make
this company stand. And you can insult me? You can slap me?"
"There is more to life than this stupid company, Taeyeon. There are people
here! They need our help! All you do is stay in this room and stare at numbers.
Don't you want to do something else? To have a life? Meet someone, start a
family-- "
"Get out. I don't want you in this company anymore."
Taeyeon looks at herself. No. Stop it! You can't do this, I can't do this! Don't
let Soo go! Why would you say this, after all that we've been through! Sooyoung
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had saved her in high school. Sooyoung had made her way into the same
university with her, asking nothing in return. Sooyoung looked out for her, worked
so much harder than she knew. Sooyoung loved her. Taeyeon lunges for her other
self, to shut her mouth, clawing, trying, falling through herself, failing. It's
impossible.
"What?"
"You heard me. Get out of my office, get out of my company, get out of my
life. I don't need someone like you to judge me." Taeyeon slowly makes her way
back to her desk, her back stiff, her face numb from the slap. She sits down.
Soo shakes her head. "That's it?! That's all you have to say?"
Taeyeon touches her cheek as it starts to sting. It feels hot, but the rest of her
is like ice. "Did you not understand me? I'll pay you a fair market price for your
half of the company, but I won't work another minute with you. I don't need you,
Soo."
Yes, I do. I do. I do! Why am I such an idiot! You idiot!
"You're buying me out?"
"That's right. You can fight me of course, but I'd win. What? Are you holding
out for more? The current market capitalization puts your shares at seventeen
million. In this economy, that's a good deal. As your accountant, I recommend you
take it."
Sooyoung laughs harshly. "What a fool I was. I realize it, now."
"What?"
"Trying to help you. I was stupid. I should have realized sooner."
Taeyeon's pajamas flutter madly as she runs to Soo. "No. Don't go. I didn't
mean it! I don't mean it! Soo, you have to stay. You have to try to make me live.
You have to be my conscience, my-- my friend. We're friends!" she wails.
"I don't need your help. I've never needed your help. But I'll offer you one
piece of advice. If you do settle down with whatshername, make sure you get a
pre-nup done. I wouldn't trust the politicians to not mess with the gay marriage
laws either way. Being gay can be tough enough as it is, what with people
mistaking hormones and an easy lay for love."
Sooyoung flushes. Not once, not ever has Taeyeon judged her for being gay.
But it twists something deep inside, painfully, to see the mockery on that pale face.
Her voice is harsh when she says, "This is something I'll never forget, Taeyeon."
"Good. Now run along to your girlfriend. I have work to do."
The taller woman blinks at the cold dismissal. Had she ever known Taeyeon?
Her mind runs through the past minutes. This was bound to happen. If that's what
77

Taeyeon felt about her, her lifestyle, her decisions. A fool. She'd truly been a fool.
Sooyoung leaves, not looking back while Taeyeon dismisses her from her
mind.
Taeyeon stares at herself, in horror. And then she is dragged away. She rides
the elevator, wishing she could speak, could apologize. Soo's face is frozen, empty.
Her thoughts are painful to see. She keeps replaying bits of the day. Horror after
agony after anguish. They're all balanced there, but underlying it is the expression
on Taeyeon's face. The scorn. The disgust. The dismissal.
Taeyeon is nauseated. What has she done?
Time stutters and Taeyeon finds herself on Long Island, the small house with
Yoona waiting for Sooyoung, worry written on her face. Yoona's been trying to
reach her, but the phone is turned off.
Taeyeon watches as Sooyoung comes in. She sits down carefully, brittle and
tired. She opens a bottle of scotch. A gift. Taeyeon had given it to her on their
company's one year anniversary. Soo has saved it, looking at it with pride. Yoona
sits next to her love, worried at the pain, distressed at the stained clothing.
Sooyoung pours herself a healthy measure and downs it. Then she cries and cries
for all the lives torn today.
Taeyeon closes her eyes. She wishes to not see anymore, but there is no end.
No resumption of her day in the cemetery.
She opens her eyes and it is to see Soo, her hair longer, casually dressed,
working on something in the kitchen. A Christmas tree with a few presents waiting
in the foyer.
Yoona walks out of a first floor bedroom, hugely pregnant. Krystal rolls out
to the door after her, a smile on her face at Yoona's awkwardness.
Krystal sits in a modern wheelchair, all titanium tubing and carbon fiber
weave. Unlike the stolen one, this one is custom made for her, for her amputated
legs. She moves it like a race car, responsive and quick. Her arms are corded with
healthy muscle, her hands strong and dexterous. She is lovely. She still wears the
handmade knit cap, though her hair peeks out, not quite shoulder length. Her
cheeks are not so gaunt, but her eyes are reddened, grief imprinted on her palely
beautiful face. Something... Taeyeon realizes she looks like Jessica, the dead
Jessica.
Of course. It is the anniversary of Jessica's death. The cap, Taeyeon suddenly
knows, is the only thing she has of her sister. Jessica hadn't taken any pictures, not
since their parents died, and Krystal had certainly never wanted to. The pictures
they had, of them as happy children are long missing, gone in the robbery.
78

But she's alive. The blood flown in from San Francisco had saved her.
Behind her, Taeyeon sees a desk piled high with books, the glow of a laptop
screen. College.
Jessica would be happy. Krystal isn't alone.
Sooyoung appears from the kitchen, a plate in her hands. A Dagwood to end
all Dagwoods, at least a handspan tall. She gives the plate to Krystal, a warmly
familiar smile shared between them.
Krystal puts the plate in her lap, spinning her chair in a blink and goes back
to studying, with fuel.
Yoona moves slowly as she hands Sooyoung her coat. She asks, "Was she
okay?" Soo had taken Krystal to the cemetery, standing beside the wheelchair,
both of them thinking about a girl with blonde hair.
"Krystal? Yeah. It was a bit sad."
Yoona hears the lingering weight of emotion in Soo's voice and looks closer
at her love. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Never thought I'd use the family plot this way."
"For a stranger?"
"Not a stranger. She gave us Krystal. But she died so young. The cemetery
should be for people done with their lives. You know?"
Yoona nods. "I'm glad we were there for Krystal."
Now Soo nods. Her words fall like reluctant stones. "She... knows she's...
loved." Then the tall woman shakes her head. She looks at the closed door, lowers
her voice a touch. "I know you said it was okay, when you'd just gotten pregnant,
and Krystal got out of rehab, and I said it was just for a month or two... " Soo's
voice trails off at Yoona's severe look.
"If you're trying to say that you'll ask her to move out if I want, then you can
stop there. She's ours. Almost grown, and stubborn, and incredibly strong, but
she's ours to take care of, until she wants to move out. And I hope, I hope she
doesn't. She thinks she can do everything on her own... do you know, I found her
upstairs yesterday? Emptying the laundry hamper. She hauls her chair up the stairs
and goes down the stairs in her chair backwards, Soo. She almost gave me a heart
attack."
"Eeeh." Sooyoung looks around at her house. It's the house she grew up in,
given to her by her parents when they retired to sunny Florida. But her family has
grown, and this old house was never meant to accommodate someone in a
wheelchair. Maybe it's time to get something a bit bigger, more modern... maybe
custom?
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But memories of Yoona, painting the small room upstairs in pastel pink
come to her. Maybe they'll get something in a year or two. Yoona loves that room,
and hopefully their daughter will too.
"Do you have to go into the city today? Today of all days. The doctor says I
could be due."
"Sweetie, I got offices outside the city, like you asked. But sometimes I have
to go there. The doctor also says first births can vary greatly. You know? She could
be a New Year's baby. And I'll only be gone for a bit. You have all the emergency
numbers here and Krystal can drive. She's a wizard with her van."
Convincing Krystal that Jessica had been more than a virtual stranger to Soo
had taken some doing. Consistency was the key to a good lie. Great friends. The
best of friends. Like blood brothers, only with boobs. Of course Jessica wanted me
to take care of you if anything happened. Saying that enough times to get Krystal
to accept the myriad gifts had been a little tiring.
But. But. I can go to an orphanage for a year. It's no biggie. You just got
married!
NO!
A community college is so much cheaper.
No!
I don't need my own car! I have wheels. Look!
Er. No.
I have enough clothes!
You can never have enough clothes. You're a girl!
Not a girl. A lovely young woman. Jessica would have been so proud.
Yoona asks gently, "Are you sure you're okay? Today... " Not just the
anniversary of Jessica's death. But other things for Soo.
"Of course, love."
"Kiss?"
It's a short soft touching of lips, Sooyoung gently hugging her. Yoona
wrinkles her nose. She isn't made of glass. The baby kicks in agreement.
"Even with that paltry payment, I'll give you your present early."
"Hmmm?"
"I know you love your car. But it's not safe. It even broke down a month
ago."
"The Blue Comet just hiccuped. She'll be fine."
Yoona's face is solemn, and even so pregnant, she is stunningly beautiful. Or
maybe it's because she's pregnant. It hurts Taeyeon to look at her. All the promise,
80

all the love. A child. A child who would know love from the moment she was
born. Taeyeon finds she is happy for Soo. It is better without her. It is better for
everyone. Soo doesn't need her.
She's probably happier without me.
Yoona digs into a sweater pocket and pulls out a key fob. A Mercedes key
fob.
Sooyoung takes it with a raised eyebrow. "You didn't."
"I did."
"But. I can afford to buy my own car."
"And you never would. You'd just have kept repairing that blue piece of junk
until it was more patches than original."
"They don't make them like they used to?"
"They make them better."
"Maybe."
"Definitely."
"Fine."
"Merry Christmas."
"How did I ever... "
"By being you."
Taeyeon watches them with wide eyes. Wistful eyes. She shakes her head.
This. This is perfect. This is something she'll never have. Could never imagine
having. Taeyeon finds herself happy that Soo has left her old life behind.
In Taeyeon's mind the divorce is complete. Between herself and that
Taeyeon. That Taeyeon has done things she never would have, said things she
never would have. Right? That Taeyeon, the one in the city, isn't fixable, and Soo
is better off having forgotten her.
Soo hates the car. It's larger, and smoother, and more powerful and has as
much personality as a Hollywood 3D movie. All perfect road manners and
massively quiet and potent power delivery. But no damned character. No warts. No
wrinkles. Nothing but that new car smell.
Soo looks at her phone, at the number she's programmed into it. Taeyeon's
number. Apex has grown, keeps growing. It hasn't missed her at all. Or Jessica.
And truthfully, she hasn't missed the long hours, the simmering tension and
desperation of the workforce, always kept on edge by their childlike taskmaster.
But she does miss the little beast.
Taeyeon starts at the thought. Why? Why does Soo, who has the perfect life,
the perfect wife, hell, the perfect car, why would she miss someone like her? What
81

can Taeyeon offer? Besides heartburn.

Time shifts around and Soo is at a bar. Alone, nursing a glass of scotch, the
ice cubes mostly melted. Untasted. Few people are here tonight. Soo sits next to a
window, looking up at New York's lights. Across the street is Apex. Taeyeon sees
her corner office window. It's the only one lit.
Nothing has changed with that Taeyeon. Nothing at all.
Soo's thoughts are remote. Distant. Slow. Sad.
She watches for an hour, as most of the people leave. It is Christmas Eve.
Finally the light goes off and that Taeyeon leaves the office. From Soo's
vantage Taeyeon sees herself. A small woman, hunched against the cold, walking
quickly. She wears the same coat as last year, the same one as the year before that.
It would be a waste of money otherwise.
She feels Soo's emotions. Sorrow. Anger at herself. Love for that lonely
figure. Soo whispers, "So alone. She's so alone. I'm sorry, Taeyeon. I'm sorry I
didn't keep my promise. I'm sorry I failed you."
There are distant memories that Soo carries, deep memories. They are tied
into her words, are stirred by them, but Soo shies away from remembering them,
pushing them aside unexamined, unopened.
As the distant form turns the corner Soo thinks of her love. Yoona will be
getting worried. She smiles wistfully. Yoona loves her so much, and deserves
everything that Soo can do for her. Time to go back home.
Her phone buzzes. A text message from Krystal. It reads, 'Baby. N. O. W!'
Taeyeon laughs, the sound half sob and half bark, at the expression on Soo's
face, at the sadness in her own heart. Soo's wide eyes are almost panicked, the
dusky face turning pale.
Taeyeon wants to hug her friend, even as her heart feels like it's being
squeezed in a vise. What Soo has is something she'll never feel. Still, Taeyeon
says, "Go on, you big goof. Be with your wife." Leave me to my miserable
existence.
The world shivers, shivers, shifts.
The same house. A baby is crying. Something makes a whirring sound and
Taeyeon spins around, looks up. Krystal, her wheelchair clamped to a stair lift,
carrying a bag with diapers, yawning into her hand. "I just got to sleep. Damn."
Taeyeon follows her upstairs. The room is pink, filled with baby furniture, a
ceiling hanging thingie with music and dangling stars bumps Krystal's knit-cap
covered head. Her hair is past her shoulders, and her face dazzles with a smile as
she picks up the baby, clean diaper in place. She makes nonsense noises praising
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the slug for making bodily wastes from the hideously expensive baby feed like a
goooood baby girl does. 'Who's a baby! Who's a birthday baaaabyyyy! You are,
Seohyunah!'
Taeyeon doesn't much like babies. Though as babies go, this one is cute. Big
eyes, looking curiously, gurgling a laugh, making nonsense syllables. 'Ma ma ma
ma ma ma.'
'Ma Ma is in Hollywood! And other Ma Ma is heading into the city! And
you're such a precious, precious baby!'
Ugh.
Again Soo? Can't you just enjoy your child's birthday?
The world blurs and she is looking at her friend. And it seems to Taeyeon as
if it's been a year, a lifetime, since she's talked to her. She feels the separation and
for the entire trip into the city, tears drip down her face.
It is another quiet night, in the same bar, at the same window. Soo looks
good, her hair even longer, a wild mane reaching mid back. Just as thin as ever.
But sad. She's so sad. Taeyeon's light remains the only light on the entire floor.
Apex has grown. It occupies three floors of the building that she started in years
ago. Back then, it had been a handful of employees, and Soo and herself. A small
office suite. They'd shared an office, and Taeyeon had listened, somewhat
annoyed, at Soo's lame jokes. But that first year they'd gone out and gotten
smashed... here. In this bar. At the bar. And Taeyeon had laughed then, giddy that
they'd made it, were going to make it big.
Where had it gone wrong? When had it become about only the business?
When had her fear taken over?
Was it the pressure of the work? The relentless competition? Always striving
to meet the budgets, the payments, the quarterly goals? It was an enormous thing,
running a business. She had responsibilities, investors, financials, deadlines.
But when had she lost the joy in simply being with her friend?
Had she felt jealousy, the first time Soo had introduced her to a girlfriend?
What had been her name? Some tall, thin, gorgeously attractive and utterly
annoying person with big boobs... everything that Taeyeon wasn't. Hah. Gina?
Gina? What kind of name was that? It made her think of angina. Someone who
broke hearts. In a bad way.
The thought that Sooyoung had a life, had love, had the ability to trust... but
Taeyeon hadn't needed any of that. It was a distraction. An annoyance. Soo with
her annoyingly cloying puppy eyes, every time the stupid phone rang. Was love so
grand?
83

Yes. It is. You idiot. You asinine, moronic, simpleton!

And Soo was someone anyone could love. She was someone who blessed
the lives of the people she knew. Caring. Loving. A true friend.
So, why was she wasting her time, her care on an idiot like the other
Taeyeon? What did she see worth... this? Mourning something that had never been
real. Taeyeon had never done anything but hurt her. She'd thrown money into Soo's
face, as payment for a decade of loyalty. For countless hours of trying to help her
become... human.
Outside, across the street, the light turns off.
The same small figure, hunched against the cold. The same drab coat, the
same short hair. Taeyeon finds she loathes the small woman as she makes her way
down the street. So blind. So willfully ignorant of what life could be. Distrustful,
suspicious, miserly, and small.
But she sees the figure through Soo's eyes, too. To Soo, Taeyeon is someone
isolated, alone. Someone who needs a friend and understanding. Someone who
deserves more than this.
Time blurs again as Taeyeon closes her eyes. Running feet and a high giggle.
And the rush of a wheelchair. They're playing tag and laughter fills the house. The
same house. But in another room Sooyoung and Yoona sit.
Yoona's upset, while Soo has an air of obstinacy around her, her arms folded,
sitting back on the sofa, lips tight. Yoona sits on the coffee table, leaning forward,
her hands on Soo's knees. Yoona is just as beautiful. Perhaps even more so. She
seems to radiate her own light and Taeyeon looks at them, in the midst of a fight.
Of course they fight. Everyone fights. Even in love, even as wonderful as their life
is, they fight.
"Will you tell me?"
"It's... personal. Really."
"I hate it, that you go there every year. You won't even talk to her."
"She-- I don't know how. I tried to think of something for so long, but now
the wall seems too high."
"Don't go."
"I have to. I have to."
"I'm only here for a few days. Then I have to fly to Spain."
"Seohyunah is going to grow up thinking she has a mom in a wheelchair and
me."
"Don't. You know I love my work."
"And you're the one who wanted a child so early."
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"I did. I do! Should I take her?"

"What? No! That's no life for a baby."
"I miss you and her, and Krystal. Can't you come out? With me?"
"What, follow you around? Watch you go to party after party?"
"That's the life."
"Smiling at everyone."
"That's my job."
"To be gorgeous?"
"To be gorgeously fake."
"I saw your movie."
"I thought you said you weren't going to."
"Kissing Brad. Brad! He's old enough to be your father."
"And he's not my type! It's called acting, you nitwit."
"I know! It just does things to a girl's heart, seeing her love up on the screen,
all gorgeous and half naked... and sweaty."
"He had stubble."
Sooyoung shudders. Ewwww. "We'll hold the fort down. And we'll be here,
waiting."
"Are Krystal's nightmares better?"
"Sometimes. I really think we should convince her to go back to therapy. It's
a lot of pain to carry. A lot of guilt. But she doesn't want to talk about it."
"How... how can she blame herself?"
"Survivor's guilt? I don't know. I was torn up for a long time, too, but I had
you. And mine... might have been a mix of Taeyeon in there too."
"Taeyeon."
"Let it go, baby."
"What is her hold on you?"
"History."
"It's unhealthy."
"It's fine."
"It hurts me. When I find you just staring into space. Thinking."
"I try not to strain. Must be the smoke pouring out of my ears."
"About her."
"It's not always her. It's you. And our daughter. And our other daughter. And
work. Work is stressful."
"You run a charitable foundation. You give your money to orphanages. How
stressful can that be?"
85

"I give our money to orphanages. Do you have to be so rich? That's a lot of
zeros to juggle."
"Oh, please."
"It's just one night. This night."
"Christmas Eve."
"I know, right? A happy day. It's supposed to be a happy day. You know, I
imagine us all together. Sitting down for dinner. Taeyeon holding the baby."
"Talk to her. Call her."
"You're right. I should stop being so afraid. I tell myself that she can't hurt
me. But... "
"Maybe you need therapy?"
"Maybe."
"Soo. You know I love you. You know there's nothing in the world that you
could have done that will change what I feel. You're safe with me. Safe. Let me
carry some of your history. Let me ease this burden for you."
"I feel sorry for her. That she doesn't have someone like you. She's got so
much pain."
"You're not alone. Even if she is. You are not. And the offer is there,
anytime. You know?"
"Of course."
"Then go. Oh, here."
"What?"
"Your Christmas present."
"Again?"
"This one is safer. It's got more airbags and a better crash rating."
"I'm a safe driver."
"Not everyone is."
"I was just getting to like this one. It even has a dent. You know,
personality?"
"For me?"
"Fine."
"Kiss?"
"Fine."
"Choi Sooyoung!"
"I mean, yes ma'am! Of course, ma'am!"
Taeyeon finds herself crying. After everything. This scene of domesticity is
both a balm and a torment. What is her life now? The same never-ending grind,
86

with nothing changing. Only numbers on a balance sheet.

The door opens, the toddler on her tiptoes working the handle. She's two
today and growing so fast. Eight teeth. She shows all of them.
Yoona picks her up and the baby gnaws on her hair, patting her arm.
Her favorite sounds are 'ba by ba by ba by' and drooling seems to be her
thing. Taeyeon finds herself making an eeeewww face at the mess maker. Yoona's
hair must cost thousands to maintain in all its silken glory and the little ogre is
smearing saliva everywhere. But momma dun care.
Okay, this scene of domesticity is nicer, thinks Taeyeon, while part of her
wonders what it would be like to be here in person. To be included.
Unimaginable... and yet not. She is here. Sort of. But she feels a yearning for
more. Personhood. Belonging? Anything.
Soo stands and hugs Yoona, and the baby pats Soo's arm too. 'Ma Ma Ma
Ma Ma.'
Taeyeon frowns. Surely the little troll has learned more new words. It's been
a whole year.
Seohyun focuses on the third person in the room and sticks her tongue out,
closing her eyes. After a moment of that she says, 'Ta Ta Ta Go Go Go.'
Taeyeon's eyes are wide and she feels goosebumps.
Thankfully Soo leaves.
Weird kid.
The drive in is quiet. Soo doesn't seem quite so solemn. Time does heal all
things and her mind has flashes of the past year. Happier times mostly. Her mother
and father are enjoying their retirement, and they love the baby. Have more! Lots
more! Riiight. Remembering Krystal's eye bags, her own caffeine supported
existence, the endless diapers. Laid end-to-end, they'd probably stretch to the
moon, a smelly line up in the sky. How could someone so small make so much
poo?
Soo thinks as melancholy sinks in. What would Taeyeon make of the child?
Or her wife? Would she look at them with disgust? With judgment? Would she
crack a joke about how difficult Seohyun's life will be? Would she snigger when
Seohyun asks why she doesn't have a daddy like her friends do?
Soo's sad now, and Taeyeon is too. "It was said in anger. I don't care if you're
gay, you idiot! I love you. You're my friend. I just... forgot that. I could learn to
love Yoona! She's a sweetheart. I'd be envious. I am envious of what you have.
Your happiness. Soo. I don't deserve your care. You shouldn't go. You should
spend the time with your family."
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But Sooyoung doesn't hear her.

Taeyeon wonders if this is what hell feels like. Being separated from life is a
torment. Knowing and not being able to act. Seeing and not being heard. Is this
why old people are sad?
It is the same bar. The same lonely light.
Someone tries to buy Sooyoung a drink and she laughs, beautifully fey.
Taeyeon looks at her friend, sees her, perhaps for the first time. Of course
Yoona would fall in love with her. Soo is beautiful. How could she have missed
seeing this?
Sooyoung declines the drink, instead buying a round for the bar. She tells the
man she's waiting for someone and she looks out the window steadily until the
light turns off, and the solitary figure trudges down the street, not looking at
anything but her feet. Sooyoung stands up, leaves the bar, intent on chasing her,
running and then she slows. Stops. The distance, less than a block, is infinite. Time
heals all wounds, but it also stiffens them. Makes them difficult to re-open.
Calloused. Calcified. Aged.
Taeyeon is frozen. She misses life.
Another year blinks by, a repetition almost to a T. And then another.
Seohyun keeps growing. She doesn't repeat her perception of Taeyeon, instead, she
focuses on her dolls. On complaining that Krystal will never get home. 'Where is
Krystal umma? Mom! Mom! Krystal umma's home!'
A not-so-little ogre.
Krystal arrives and Taeyeon sees her, breath catching. Krystal is a young
woman, fragile looking but still made of corded steel. There remains a brittleness
to her, as if she's wound too tight. Her body is healing, but a shadow lies across
her heart. She looks tired. She has pictures of her dorm, her friends, stories of her
professors. And plans for graduate school. Columbia.
Soo excuses herself and leaves the room and Yoona goes after her, leaving a
puzzled Krystal. They hug while Seohyun crawls over her sister-aunt-third mother,
asking to be read this story, no this story, no, give me a ride on the magic chair!
The couple returns after a few minutes, Soo's eyes a little reddened. Krystal
sighs. This family. This lovely family, with its old wounds. She understands tears.
She can still see Jessica, every time she closes her eyes. She's fought through the
pain, the memories. Agony fades, the memories of them drifting away. What is
remembered are the good times. Jessica's horrible cooking, coloring her sister's
hair, waiting with the different chemicals. The smell is sharp, but happy and her
sister is a wonder.
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Soo hugs Krystal. It's always a little awkward, what with the wheelchair. It
likes to move in an arc, one of Krystal's hands holding a wheel steady while her
other arm returns the hug.
Soo's voice is husky when she tells Krystal that Columbia will be glad to
have her. Soo will talk to some of her old professors, warn them about the hellion
approaching.
"You're gonna be great."
Krystal imagines it's her sister saying the words and they both dissolve into
tears as three people look on. Seohyun hides in her mother's skirts and Taeyeon
sniffles. It hurts to see. As if she's waited years. She waits and waits, each vision
hitting her harder. Each year seems longer, her past dimmer. The events are more
difficult to face and Taeyeon finds that she hates the other Taeyeon more and
more.
The Taeyeon in the city has become something like a mythological monster.
No longer a person to anyone but Soo.
Only Sooyoung cares.
They help Krystal unpack her van and get settled. Yoona putters around the
kitchen with Seohyun asking her mother her thousandths question of the day. Why
is the sky blue? Why can't it be pink? Why is snow cold? Why isn't it sweet? Can I
have a wheelchair too? I want to race Krystal umma!
In her bedroom Krystal asks if Sooyoung will talk with her.
"Of course."
"Where do you go?"
"Huh?"
"Every Christmas Eve. I mean, I find you've always left fresh flowers for
Jessie when I go to the cemetery in the morning, but at night, you go somewhere
else."
"To... to see an old friend."
"But when you come home, you cry. Soo, if it hurts that much, you shouldn't
go."
"Ah. I thought I was being quiet."
"It's an old house. Strange noises. You know."
"Not like you roll past the bedroom, listening."
"Of course not."
"We had a parting of ways."
"Not good?"
"Not the best."
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"But you miss her. Him? Her?"

"Her. I do. And more, I owe her. We all do."
"We?"
"We. Each of us. We wouldn't be here, without her. Or... I wouldn't."
"Then... I wouldn't. Wow. Who is she?"
"My old business partner."
"Taeyeon Kim?"
"You know her?"
"Jessica talked about her. A difficult person."
"Yeah, something like that."
"Yoona doesn't like her."
"Yoona doesn't know the real her."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Sooyoung is surprised by the question and it
shows on her face a bit. Krystal blushes then continues, "I am an adult. And I had
the best teachers. I know, sometimes, it's easier to talk to another person than it is
to your wife."
Sooyoung sighs. Krystal is no one's dummy. "You're right, of course.
Perhaps it's because people don't want to disappoint their loves. They keep things
held tightly to maintain an image."
"Well, you know I love you, but we've been through a lot, you and I. That
counts for something. Doesn't it?"
Soo looks at the girl in the wheelchair, still wearing her knit cap. It's like a
yarmulke in its significance to Krystal. Her connection to something divine. They
have been through a hell together, written in blood. Soo smiles at her. Jessica
would be proud. Anyone would be. "It does. Tell you what, when I get back,
instead of crying on my wife, I'll talk to you. I'll tell why we owe so much to
Taeyeon."
Krystal nods. "I'll be waiting."
Another drive into the city.
Taeyeon hates this. Hates. This. How many more years of this cycle?
Heaven and hell. What life could be versus what life is. It's like some ad nauseum
rendition of a morality play. What is there to learn? There's nothing left. Thank
you, God, for showing me that I am beyond hope. Over and over.
Only this time something is different.
Soo has a conviction in her. A set to her shoulders, like a person bound and
determined to face up to a difficult task. She means to talk to her old partner. To
tell her many things. To apologize and see if perhaps there isn't room in Taeyeon's
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narrow world for a friend.

"Don't do this, Soo. It's a waste of time! You're so much happier now. She
doesn't deserve you. She's beyond help. Soo! Soo!"
The evening progresses and it's time. The light has gone out in the window.
Soo pays for her untouched drink and stands, slipping into her dark coat.
Five years since the last time they spoke. Someone she saw every day, shared
work with, every day. Someone she owes the world to.
She leaves and her footsteps slow. There is no traffic to speak of, not this
time of night, blocks away from any retail establishment on Christmas Eve. She
pauses beside her car, a ridiculously expensive Audi. She humors her wife by
accepting them, donating last year's model to charity. Whatever the safest car on
the road happens to be that particular year.
Nerves make Soo's tummy flutter, her mouth dry. Taeyeon is slow coming
out. The light in her window turns back on. Sooyoung sighs. Some small amount
of work Taeyeon's decided to do. Rather than re-enter the bar, she waits.
"G-Gimme the keys."
Taeyeon turns with Soo, shocked and puzzled. There is a man, strung out,
perspiring in the chill air. Nervous, jittery, trying to look every way at once.
"W-What?"
"The keys! The car keys!" He has a gun.
"O-Okay."
The world ends in an ear numbing bark and flash and Taeyeon screams. The
man looks down at his gun. As surprised as Soo is. Soo who has taken a step back.
And another.
The man runs off as Sooyoung sits down. And Taeyeon is kneeling,
screaming, her hands ineffectual. Blood. So much of it.
Sooyoung coughs. There is more blood, spraying into the December air,
Soo's lips red and wet.
Someone comes out of the bar and yells back inside. "Call 9-1-1!"
Sooyoung fumbles and drops her phone, her fingers shaking. No. Better not
to call. She might wake the baby. Her mind full of the flash and noise. This is all
wrong. This can't be. Happening.
She has to talk to Taeyeon. She has to... get her to see her... life, that her life
isn't... is more. That Taeyeon deserves more. Why won't she come out?
Someone runs up. A man from the bar. He sees the blood and throws up.
Another man. A woman. A couple. They try to help.
Sooyoung can't breathe.
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In the distance an ambulance is heard.

But Sooyoung can't breathe.
Someone tries CPR, tries to blow into her mouth, but blood pours out with
every compression, every exhalation.
Sooyoung's eyes look up at the lighted window. She doesn't feel pain, but
she feels the urgency. There's no time. Taeyeon, come out. Please. I have to talk to
you.
Her mind slips.
Perry Jackson High School. A school full of normal kids. Some good, some
bad. Most of them straight. But Soo knows she's not. And that's a problem. Being
different is a curse. It's depressing. But she can't not like girls. Girls are pretty.
Girls are fascinating. Girls are hot. And boys are not. It's a fact. It's not something
she can change.
So she hides it. She laughs with the other girls at the boys. She flirts and
teases. She dresses like she's supposed to. Too tight jeans and something low cut.
She tosses her hair and lies about who she finds cute.
And it wears on her. It sickens her. This isn't right. This can't be right.
When she tells her parents, it's like the end of the world. Her mother cries
and blames herself. Her father yells, and threatens to kick her out of the house. It's
a war zone, one side terrified, the other side lost, both sides confused and angry.
Soo knows she's not normal. Not like she should be.
'This is not how we raised you!'
'I know!'
Every day is worse. She should never have told them. Their words, 'You can
tell us anything,' lies. Evidently, Mater, Pater, I cannot.
'Can't you get pregnant or do drugs like a normal girl?'
Sooyoung has to laugh at the ridiculous statement and her father slaps her.
Not hard. But it's shocking. For the first time in her life, she feels violence. She
sees the anger and hurt on her father's face. And it hurts. Far beyond the physical.
Soo withdraws. She becomes a shell. She stays out late, not wanting to see
her parents' disappointed faces. But her mom is the guidance counselor. Soo gets
sent to her office when she gets into a fight with the cheerleader. Stupid fake
wench. She fights with her mom, forgetting where she is and when she leaves the
office, the cheerleader is laughing, giggling at the gay girl.
Her friends desert her. Huh. Turns out they're not much for friends. She
becomes a pariah. The lesbo. 'Don't take a shower with her, she'll probably try to
grab you.' The giggling grates, the words hurt.
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Her grades drop. Food loses its attraction with depression sinking its claws
deep. She takes to wearing baggy clothes to hide her plummeting weight, dark
makeup to hide her sinking cheeks. She didn't ask to be different. She just... is.
And the world doesn't want her.
One day she swallows a bunch of sleeping pills and she sleeps. And sleeps.
And when she wakes, no one has noticed.
Sooyoung laughs weakly at the memory while Taeyeon is horrified, both by
the present and the past. Sooyoung coughs, and has trouble clearing her mouth,
drooling blood. What an epic fail that had been.
Stupid sleeping pills.
Getting a prescription for something stronger is impossible. The kids who
deal drugs are scary, their eyes empty of innocence. No. She comes up with a
better plan.
Disappear from the world. Kill the pain. Stop hurting. It will be simple. It
will be quick.
She buys a straight razor from an antiques store. It's ivory handled and
wicked. Perhaps a century or more old, when barbers ruled the day. She learns
how to strop it. Even, light. She practices cutting meat. It's as sharp as a thought,
barely noticing the parting flesh.
She rents a motel room. She doesn't like messes, and she doesn't want to be
an ugly corpse, bloated and fly covered, when she's found. A motel room, with the
air conditioning turned all the way up. The maid will get a scare. But that can't be
helped. She'll dress in black and most of the blood will go down the drain. She
studies her biology book, feels her thin throat. One quick motion, through the
carotids, jungulars, trachea. Fifteen seconds before her brain runs out of thoughts.
There might be pain, but it can't hurt worse than every day of her life these past
three months. And every day of her life if she continues.
It's not that she wants to die. She just wants to stop being hated.
It's Friday. The room key is in her pocket, checkout is at noon tomorrow!
The big blue plastic tag with the room number presses against her palm, she can
feel the numbers, traces them. She doesn't see the pizza in front of her. Friday is
pizza day. She loves pizza, even school pizza, but it might as well be a piece of
wood.
She sits alone. As she's done for weeks now. Ever since Becky Thompson
with her big lipsticked lips tells the world that Sooyoung is a lesbo! The whispers,
the looks. 'I always knew there was something weird about her.'
Just make it through lunch, and the afternoon classes. Then she'll go to the
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motel room with her antique razor and find peace.

Someone sits down at the table. It's the new girl. Asian, like herself. Tayun?
Taeyon? Something like that. She's a little thing. Thick glasses, sweatshirt. She
eats with a vengeance, studying her book. She cleans the crumbs with a finger that
she licks clean, shaking the milk carton to make sure she's got the last drop.
She eats the way Soo used to.
When she's done, she seems disappointed. And hungry. Her eyes wander
over to Soo's untouched tray. Covetous eyes. She wants the pizza. Soo can see.
Eyes that don't even look at her. Or at anyone else, for that matter. She's been
here a week. At first she'd been interesting, with some of the bullies going after her
for her lack of any sort of conformity, her old clothing, her free lunches. But poor
just isn't that interesting, and in turn she's not at all interested in what people think
of her. She's focused. Like a laser. Her schoolwork is perfect. 100's on every quiz,
every test. Of course that invites other interest. Sooyoung hears her mother talking
about the genius transfer. 'The girl is a bit strange, but so focused on college.'
But Soo sees deeper. She sees someone alone. Someone strong. Someone
who doesn't care what others think of her. The new girl isn't stupid. The book is
some advanced physics text. And Soo see's the quick eyes behind the glasses,
assessing, watchful. The girl isn't unaware. She's just focused on her life, on her
goals, on what needs to be done to get her there.
She's strong. Not like Soo. Not like poor, self-pitying and weak Soo. If this
girl were gay, she wouldn't hide it. She wouldn't care what the other kids thought.
Soo suddenly feels shame. She has... a lot more than this girl. The icy silence at
home has thawed, her parents' worries encompassing more than who she might
bring home. Her mom cooks her favorite things, her dad tries to make jokes,
shame at himself plain. They are trying.
But isn't it too late? Hasn't the hurt been done, and isn't it too much to
continue?
They still love you. And these kids here, which of them will know you ten
years from now? Which of them will you worry about offending or pleasing?
The realization is like being hit between the eyes.
'You gonna eat that?' the strange girl asks. Of course she'd ask. To her the
pizza is just calories, wasted if it get throw away uneaten. Pride means nothing to
her. It's purposeless, and would stand in the way of her goals.
Sooyoung looks down at her pizza. The pepperoni is oily, the cheese cold,
the bread hardened.
She nods. It looks delicious.
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Soo eats her pizza while the strange girl reads her book. It isn't so much
companionable silence as it is a vacuum. Leaving Soo to ponder her life. It's just
what she needs. After lunch Soo throws the motel key away with the empty milk
carton. She can't wait to get home, to eat and eat. She can't wait to live. Somehow.
Taeyeon is crying. "I remember. I remember asking."
Sooyoung sees the light in the window turn off as the ambulance pulls up,
tires screeching. The world is dark. Darkening. She thinks of Yoona. Of her baby.
Of Krystal. But most of all, she thinks of the friend she's failing by leaving. The
one who'd saved her life.
Taeyeon exits the building. An ambulance across the street throws flashes of
red and white light in her eyes. She turns away, briefly wondering what idiot has a
cardiac arrest in a bar on Christmas Eve.
Taeyeon see herself, through Soo's eyes. Her back, hunched against the cold,
hurrying away.
And then Soo's eyes see nothing.
Taeyeon screams. Howls. She turns and sprints, chasing herself. All your
fault! All my fault! She tries to tackle the hated being, and falls through, the world
shivering, her eyes closed from the expected impact.
But no. No impact. Just mind-numbing cold. And the dark is replaced by the
red of sunlight through her eyelids. Her hands feel stone, roughed edged, but
smooth faced.
No. No. I don't want to see. But she opens her eyes.

Sooyoung Choi
1990 - 2019
Beloved Wife and Mother

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6. Future: Krystal

rigid stone numbed her hands, granite hard against her forehead. Soo's
gravestone. Soo's grave. She was gone. Soo had died trying to help
Taeyeon, so that she might live like-- like a human being. To have
everything that Soo had. A family. Laughter. Love. Friends.
Soo. Dead. And in dying, thinking only of how she'd failed her friend.
Taeyeon breathed. Beyond tears. Beyond anything but self hate.
It was a fiction, wasn't it? Thinking of the other Taeyeon as another being.
There was only one of her. She was her, the only difference was some knowledge,
some pain. But at her heart, who she was, the scared girl who'd liked it best when
no one noticed her, who'd locked the world away... she was her. Still.
And she'd killed her only friend.
She was an empty, hating, small thing. Not deserving. So not deserving of
Soo's care. Not deserving of love.
At every turn, when she could have done something different, been
something good, she'd chosen the easier path. Easier for her. Not depending on
anyone. Not expecting anything. Not wanting anything. Being alone was the easier
way. It only required not having a heart. How many people did she pass by every
day? How many people did she treat like soulless automatons? Efficiencies,
budgets, schedules, deadlines. Those were more real to her than others' feelings.
Of course she'd walked away, scorning the unfortunate soul in the
ambulance. Not caring who it was. She'd even felt vindicated. Her schadenfreude a
cynical thing. Sickening. Poisonous. Thinking the person had earned a deserved
fate, carousing and enjoying life instead of working diligently.
The vision of Sooyoung's life, her death... for five years, Taeyeon had
witnessed the anniversary of their separation. Each moment spent in Sooyoung's
company had been painful, viscerally hurtful and horribly real. But each of those
days had also been something sublime, like water for a parched desert, showing
her what it was she missed in life. Soo, who'd come to watch her every year, who'd
mourned their friendship, who'd still believed in her, who'd still held hope for her.
Would knowing who it had been in the ambulance, would knowing it had
been Soo in there, would that have changed anything? Or would she still have
walked away? After all, she'd scorned Jessica's life and death as worthless. Perhaps
she would have frowned, perhaps wondered why Soo had been there... but would
it even have bothered her? Would it even have kept her from sleeping?
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Taeyeon screamed and screamed. Until breath failed. Until her heart finished
breaking.
Some endless time later, her eyes raw, her hands stiff, she bowed her head.
She remembered sitting like this, feet tucked under, her hands on her lap.
Punishment. Repentance. It would never be enough.
What words to offer this stone? What words to tell her friend how wrong
she'd been? Nothing was adequate. Nothing could expiate the sin.
Taeyeon was beyond anguish. How? How could she have walked away?
Ignorance? No. Ignorance couldn't begin to explain it. Not knowing... not trying,
forgetting about Soo, focusing only on her goals, her ambition... her fear.
So closed. So narrow. So stupid.
Blind to everything, to everyone. It had never crossed her mind that people...
were... people. The other students, in high school, at Columbia, the teachers, the
administrators, her employees, the people she saw every day, even Soo; all just
things to be ignored or used.
They had thoughts and feelings... pain, disappointments, failures, but they
also had joy, hope, happiness, and they shared those things.
She'd cheated herself. She saw it now. Where others formed bonds, with
their feelings, friendships, loves, she'd walked alone. Where others bathed in the
light, she walked, eyes closed, arms outstretched. In darkness.
Her pajamas grow stiff, her skin threatening to crack as frost blooms on the
ground.
Yet the numbing fear can't hurt her anymore. The scourge of the unknown is
no longer there. There can't be anything worse than what she has already seen. For
Taeyeon, hell has no mysteries left.
The voice, when it shatters the stillness, she greets with indifference.
YOUR LAST VISION.
What is there more to see? Taeyeon finds she can shake her head, even if her
teeth chatter while the spirit's words try to work into her veins. Is there anything
else? More pain? It isn't as if she needs convincing. Who else needs to suffer for
her sins? Her life has proven to be a stain, a curse on the world, an evil. She is a
monster.
But even monsters get tired. "No. No more. I don't need to see anyone else."
SPEAK.
"Let me go."
YOU MUST CHOOSE.
Who can she gift with more pain? Who... does she even know? Yoona? No.
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Watching her grieve would be like driving nails into her bones.
DO YOU NOT WISH TO SEE YOUR FUTURE?
"What? No. No! Of course not."
After a moment, and for the first time, Taeyeon feels something other than
icy indifference in the aching chill.
Dark bleeds into the world, blotting the sun from existence. Vision almost
fails Taeyeon, but then a form melts out of the Stygian gloom. Shrouded in robes
of midnight, standing impossibly tall and straight. The spirit. The Future.
The voice is clear, edged and sharp, certain and weighted, but for all that, it
is questioning. "Why would you not?"
The cold has thawed from Taeyeon, allowing her to tilt her head back, but
her eyes can't make out features in the deep cowl. Would it be a skeleton? It would
be apt if it were.
But asking her why she doesn't want to see her life play out? For what? Her
life is a ruin, a lesson in how to be a dead while breathing. She desolates and
destroys, she's uncaring, ignorant, beyond hope, beyond fixing. She is a wrong.
And looking further at her life would do nothing, be nothing. Show nothing.
"You do not wish to see your death?"
Taeyeon laughs. Her death? She knows how she'll die. Somewhere cold and
dark, alone with her work, her files, her computer. Will it be a heart attack?
Something slow or fast? Brain aneurysm. Cancer. Stroke. It doesn't matter.
Taeyeon knows she might as well be dead for all the living she does. Nothing is
left of her. No one will mourn her, no one will remember her.
"I think I was so afraid of the past, that I never thought about the future. And
then, I made sure the future would be just as empty as the rest of my life. Why
would I be curious about emptiness?"
The ghost looks at Taeyeon, into the damaged soul, the wounded mind, the
empty spirit. That's to be expected, but she also sees something unexpected.
Honesty.
"You... are surprising."
"Huh? How so?"
"You have no illusion about yourself."
"How could I? After what I've seen. Done."
"I have seen many souls. Judged many. All people lie. No criminal ever
believes in their wrongdoing as wrongdoing. It is always justified. In the darkest
places of their souls, all people believe themselves true. Forced by circumstance
perhaps, to poor decisions, but never accepting responsibility wholly, not without
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being ground down to nothing. Even when faced with death, people are dishonest.
To others, to themselves, propping their ego, their self image, their self love, up
with lies. You see, facing the truth is onerous, nigh to impossible."
"I know. I've seen it. I've done it. I'm evil. Bad. I am a bad person."
"Do not be so quick to judge yourself. That will happen in its time. But you
are honest."
"An honest monster. How is that anything to be proud of?"
"Do not wallow. It is unbecoming."
"Fine. What now? How do... I... where do I go from here?"
"Your third vision."
"There's no one! No one to care about. No one that I can... there's nothing."
"No one you can learn from?"
"No one will care about me. If I see that. If I... I've already lost Soo. There's
nothing to go on for. Not with what I know now."
"You think yourself alone? Did the vision of your friend not teach you?"
"Without Soo, I am alone. I'll die alone. No one will care."
"Little soul, the purpose of the visions eludes you still. Will you never
learn?"
"I've learned plenty. None of it good. My mother. Jung. Soo. It's too much.
It's too cruel."
"You have not learned. You are only reacting. Yet each vision I have given
you has struck true. The knowledge is there. Grasp it. Learn it."
"What? What knowledge besides pain?"
"... Death. Love. Hope. Life."
"Words. Death is the only thing that matters in the end."
"Death ends all? Do not be more a fool than you already have been. Death is
not the sovereign. Love endures."
"There is no love for me."
"There is always love. It is humanity's gift."
"How?"
"Your visions. It is there. Love, through death. Jessica's for Krystal. It
touched Sooyoung; Jessica's act spoke to her, it made her care and thus, Jessica's
love was not lost. Krystal lives on."
"Okay. Fine. I see that. It was damned lucky, but Soo's always had a huge
heart. She would have done that for a complete stranger."
"Stubborn. Sooyoung's love for you, immeasurable. It lit her hope, her wish
for you."
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"And I wasted it! I blew it! I... I messed up... so bad, and Soo died!"
"Your tears blind you. What is life?"
"What? How should I know? I'm an idiot."
"Little honest idiot. Hear this truth. Life is hope. In hope is life."
"What?"
"Possibility. Change. Growth. Sooyoung's love, no matter how undeserved it
may have been, kept alight her hope. For you."
"Hope. Look up hopeless in the dictionary. You'll find my picture."
"A person without hope is dead to life."
"I know!"
"Then learn hope."
"How? Who can teach me? There's no one left who cares! Who's going to
remember me?"
"You will not be unremembered. Have hope, fool."
"Really? You can show me that?"
"Ask. I will give you the vision, if you but ask."
"Then show me that vision. Show me the person who would care for a
monster."
Darkness explodes into a shattering brilliance and Taeyeon is thrown,
spinning, whirling into a maelstrom. Ripped apart before she knows it, broken into
shards and flung roughly out, only to plummet, to fall.
Somewhere, part of her is screaming.
And then it is over.
She's pieced back together, entropy exploding in reverse, compressed,
reformed, all tumult and clamor focusing abruptly, suddenly into silence.
Her senses awake.
She has her body. She opens her eyes.
The house. Soo's house, the roof covered in fresh snow.
Yoona is in the doorway, waving goodbye at a smiling couple. Taeyeon
walks through her, memories of her previous visits fresh. No Soo.
Yoona's smile is sad. Wistful.
Another couple stand in the foyer, coats on, eyes aware, frowns behind the
smiles. Soo. They're remembering. Hurting.
The Christmas tree at the end of the foyer is burdened, heavy with tinsel and
decorations, sitting amid a small mountain of boxes. Taeyeon understands. Rote
actions, the continuation of lives shown in the rituals of the season. Habitual
affirmation, even if their hearts aren't in it.
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But the wishes are heartfelt, the touches lingering. Tears fall, quickly
stanched before they burden the air. A small girl runs by, her yell as she holds a
model airplane dopplering quickly away. Another girl rolls after her, her own shout
fading as they navigate the rigors of furniture and walls. Yoona holds it together
long enough to see her last guests out. Standing in the chill air, shivering, missing
the arms of her love.
Soo's hugs are what she misses the most. Her kisses. Her humor. Her looks.
Her love.
Today is hard. It would be impossible... it would have been impossible if not
for Krystal.
Seohyun pauses on her next lap, having gotten a lead on Krystal. The couch
hangs up the magic chair cause of the rug. Mommy is in the foyer, crying again.
The airplane won't cheer her up. Even though it's the exact same one from her
movie. The EffatwennyTWO! Krystal's pursuing yell is getting closer, so after
patting Mommy's leg one last time, Seohyun dashes off again, flying the fitajetaerosupaplane! Whhhhoooooosssshhhhh!
The small hand, so perfectly formed, patting her. Yoona smiles at her little
angel. The back of her rapidly disappearing angel. She wipes tears away. There are
dishes to put in the washer, and the kitchen is still a shambles.
Taeyeon looks at her. Yoona is undeniably gorgeous, but worn, thinner.
Tired. Lost. Yoona pauses in the doorway to the kitchen, her shoulders slumping as
she surveys the mess. Her friends had wanted to stay, to help, but Yoona hadn't felt
up to maintaining the cheerful facade for another hour. Why had she cooked so
much? Soo isn't here to eat it. And Soo isn't here to help with the dishes.
Habit. She still turns around, expecting Soo to be looking. She still finds
herself waking, waiting for the sound of the front door. She still hears the voice of
her love in her ear.
'Every Christmas needs a turkey, and the turkey needs a ham. They're good
pals, you see? One would be lonely without the other. Like Batman and Robin.
Wallace and Grommet. Bonnie and Claudette! Also, stuffing. And potatoes. Three
ways. And greens! I'd be a poor southern girl, if I didn't have mah collards.'
'You were born in Korea.'
'South Korea. Get it straight.'
Yoona finds a smile on her lips. It's tough to be sad with Soo's memories.
There are so many good ones.
Yoona still had her touch in the kitchen, the guests devouring large platefuls.
She'd even eaten. A bit. Her friends had insisted they have the dinner today,
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Christmas Eve. And she'd agreed. Soo had touched so many lives. It should remain
a happy day. Seohyunah needed the normality, not another ruined Christmas. All
her mommies wanted that.
She can't make her feet cross the threshold into the kitchen. Later. She'll do
the dishes later. One thing at a time, and right now she'd like to cuddle.
She turns around and heads for the living room. She sinks into the sofa with
a smile as Seohyunah comes around on another lap. Her baby is flushed, panting,
happy.
"Mommy!" And then Yoona is hugging her child.
Krystal rolls to a stop, laughing as she says, "She's getting faster."
Yoona smiles and holds out a hand which Krystal takes. The girl in the
wheelchair nods, holding her hand for a few heartbeats and then heads to the
kitchen, picking up the slack, doing the chores when Yoona can't.
Krystal has been her strength. Somehow keeping her sane, keeping her
present for Seohyunah. The year has passed by so slowly. Each day she's felt like a
bug trapped in amber, and each night has been even worse, loneliness aching.
She'd had projects in the air when Soo died, and somehow she'd finished
them, collapsing at the end. Not leaving her bedroom for a month. Her work is
something she loves... she'd loved. And her commitments had defined her
professionalism. This year, her skill in her profession has been honed to something
supernal. Driven by her grief, she's channeled it outward into her roles. To her it's
just acting. And acting as if nothing is wrong. Smiling. Laughing. But to the
directors, the other actors, her performances are otherworldly, intrinsically and
luminously captivating. Indefinably fascinating. Industry hacks, producers,
writers, the men behind the cameras, her co-stars all find themselves staring,
believing.
Her last project a drama role, a wife to a terminally ill man.
The buzz is that she'll get the Academy Award for it. What a nightmare.
Smiling for the red carpet, saying something that makes sense for her acceptance
speech. Yoona shudders. What to tell them? That she'd meant every word, every
emotion? That she'd wanted to kill herself in her trailer after the final scene?
Harry and her agent had had to pick up their jaws when she'd told them she
was taking a year off. Two years.
'But. But. You're the hottest thing since the sun! You can't do this!'
'Whatever. Don't call me.'
One gossip rag holds forth a ludicrous theory, that she's fallen into grief for
her character's husband, that she's suffering from depression because she can't
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shake the role.

For once a gossip rag has a glimmer of truth.
She hadn't been saying goodbye to Jake's character, she'd been saying
goodbye to Soo. The goodbye that she hadn't said because... Soo was gone, only
leaving her body on the morgue slab. Gone. Without her. Broken promises. What
did 'forever' mean?
Holding the warm, energetic bundle of wiry muscle and sweaty skin in
Oshkosh dungarees, Yoona feels tears leaking. Like a broken faucet. Where is her
skill? Why can't she hide the hurt?
Seohyun hugs her mommy. This mommy is getting as thin as the mommy
who has gone away. She only has two mommies left so she's extra careful with this
one. If she squeezes too hard, she might hurt her. And mommy already cries a lot.
When the tears stop Seohyun wipes them from mommy's face, giving her
butterfly kisses to make her smile. "Mommy, read me a story at bedtime?"
Yoona blinks, her mind returning to the present. Her beautiful little girl.
Story? How long has it been since she's read to her daughter?
Krystal rolls back in, her mouth opening. No doubt she's going to offer to
read the story. Yoona shakes her head at her. Let me. I can do this.
Krystal nods, hopeful that Yoona can. It's been a long road to here. She
slings a hand towel back over her shoulder, returning to the kitchen. So many
dishes.
Yoona knows that she lacks. She hates the weakness, the hurt. She hates
showing it to anyone, but most especially to their daughter. Seohyunah's childhood
memories should be of happiness.
Thank God for Krystal. She is more mature everyday, a beautiful woman.
Krystal's told her that Jessie was so much prettier, but Yoona has a hard time
believing it. As pretty, maybe, but Krystal could be a movie star.
Jessica too, dead on Christmas Eve. What a horrid day. Even though Yoona
had never met her, still, Krystal's sister is a presence in Yoona's memories and
dreams. Yoona pictures her a blonde version of her sister. Jessie is a part of the
family and Yoona mourns her as well as Soo. How much better if Soo and Jessie
were both here and alive? The thought that Krystal wouldn't be in her life but for
Jessica's death is an intolerable thing to contemplate. Yoona has needed the girl in
the wheelchair. Gratitude and guilt tinge the nightly prayers Yoona sends to the
heavens. To Jessie. Yoona tells her the things she's missed. Krystal growing to
womanhood, graduating with honors, throwing her cap up into the blue sky.
Yoona sighs. Another weakness. Another guilt. This one sharper. That
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Krystal has put her life on hold this last year, to help, to be there for her and
Seohyunah, but she knows Krystal also grieves behind her strength, for Soo.
Her hands absently stroke Seohyunah's small back, her mind caught in a
deep undertow. In her darkest moments in the last year, Yoona has felt a rage. An
anger, bitter and pained. When she's thought of Soo and Jessie as selfish, not
wanting to see their loved ones. Wanting instead to fly free and away from their
responsibilities. Yoona knows it's the depression talking. The lure of death in
depression. In those dark moments she envies them. They can't feel pain anymore.
Sometimes she wants to join them. What did they know, now? It was easier, wasn't
it, to leave first? But why would they choose to miss this? Jessie can't see that
Krystal is still wearing the knitted cap, hiding her gorgeous hair. Krystal cares for
the cap, her most treasured possession, taking it to the dry cleaners regularly.
Jessie won't know of the shy boy who calls, asking if Krystal got home okay. And
Soo. She won't get to eat the potatoes. Done three ways.
Seohyun snorts in impatience. Mommy is thinking. She does this a lot.
Sometimes forever and ever. What about her story? "Mommy!"
As if she's gifted by some sixth sense Krystal comes back into the living
room. "Seohyunah, I can read you your story."
"I want a different story," the little girl pouts, crossing her arms for
emphasis. "I'm tired of the laughing train. He gets boring."
"But it's your favorite book." Krystal laughs at the little frown as she wheels
her chair over. "Fine. Different story, now come here and give your mummy a rest.
It's been a long day with a lot of visitors."
"Too many," Seohyun pouts. Everyone looming, everyone wanting to pinch
her cheeks.
"Come on. It's bath time, you little stinker!"
Seohyun hops up onto Krystal's lap and they head upstairs, the chair lift
whirring. Little Seohyun stares with wistful eyes at the presents. Tomorrow. She's
especially curious about the one from the mommy who doesn't live with them
anymore. It's a huge box. But truthfully, she'd rather have that mommy back.
Mummy Soo. It would be the best if Santa would bring her back, then her other
mommy wouldn't cry so much. And no one else in her play group has three
mommies.
Krystal tickles her and she giggles madly, but the rule is that she can't thrash
about on the lift or she won't get to ride the magic chair. She tickles Krystal umma
back, her little fingers wiggling and Krystal giggles at her.
After a minute Yoona gets herself up and walks slowly to the foyer. It's an
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old house, low ceilings, plaster walls, and everywhere here, she sees Soo. There is
the sound of laughter upstairs, running water and soon splashing.
How Krystal manages without her legs has always been a wonderment to
Yoona. And she's never once complained about being stuck in a wheelchair.
Krystal has had so much taken from her, none of it her fault. And yet Krystal can
smile without bitterness.
Yoona doesn't know how the girl does that. How someone who's lost
everything can still forgive the world and move on.
Taeyeon stands next to Yoona, looking at her listening to the sounds from
upstairs. But more, she feels what the woman feels. Inside of her, this glamorous
Hollywood actress, this remarkable beauty, this woman who has a face and talent
that many would kill for, is broken. Still breaking. Yoona is still shattering. It's
been a year, but Yoona finds Soo everywhere she goes. In everything she does.
Soo remains. She's tried to move on, to change. She knows what her love would
have her do. Soo would want her to be happy, to find someone new. To put her
memories aside and let time heal her.
Taeyeon watches Yoona smile sadly. Yoona is thinking that Soo could
probably do it. Soo had had an amazing resilience, an enormous capacity for
caring, and a wisdom that Yoona still found humbling. Her own age, yet Soo was
so much wiser. Yoona thinks that if it had been her death, rather than Soo's, Soo
would have mourned her, and then for Seohyunah's sake, for Krystal's sake, she
would have set aside her grief. Never forgetting the love she'd had, but she would
have faced the coming days and years with a smile, with hope that happiness
would find her again. That was Soo.
But Yoona doesn't have the heart to do this. She isn't Sooyoung. And that's
why she needs her love, still. That's why she'll always need her. Yoona sits next to
the Christmas tree, looking up at the blinking lights.
"I miss you. So much. How do I... " How do I go on? Why did you leave?
The words are like a blow to Taeyeon's gut. She finds her mouth dry, her
throat parched. Choking, as if she has something stuck in her throat, a fist around
her heart, an iron band constricting her chest. Yoona's life is an emptiness, a void.
Like hers is. This woman who is different in every particular, in every detail, but
she feels the same as Taeyeon feels.
Yoona blinks. The sounds of water draining, of a hair dryer, startle her. She
gets up. She doesn't want the reminder of the Christmas tree. She doesn't need any
reminder. Everything is too familiar as it is.
Back to the sofa. She wants a drink. Something that will make her forget.
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Something that will burn her throat and hurt her so that she can feel something
other than this ache. Or pills. Those are easy to get. Hollywood doctors love their
patients. There is an entire industry around happy drugs. Perfectly legal with a
prescription, they take the edge off, make the day easier to bear, make everyone
your friend, and obtaining a prescription is just a phone call away. The doctors go
to all the same parties, know all the same people.
But she can't. She won't. Because Soo wouldn't like it. Soo had been like a
splash of cold water on a hot summer day. Real. So real. When Yoona had started
to lose touch with what real felt like.
Taeyeon is caught in the whirlpool of Yoona's memories.
It's their third date. The first two having been pleasant lunch meetings, about
the charity project. This is their first real date, but the headache is driving needles
into her eyes, a tight frown on her face growing as Sooyoung talks about her life,
her work. Yoona nods, smiles, but isn't really listening. People all over the room
are looking at her. People always look. The men want her, the women envy her.
She hates it. Hates. It. Hates being the center of attention. Hates how people want
to be close and listen to her talk. Hates how people love her. Just love her for all
the wrong reasons. How can they love her? They don't know her. They can't
possibly understand her life. They can't know the constant ache in her shoulders,
her neck, her head, from smiling, from acting normal when there's nothing normal
about her world.
No one to trust. No one to care for her. Not her looks, not her talent. Not her
body. But her. The girl inside it all. Even this woman. This tall and gorgeous and
interestingly different woman. Sooyoung is passionate about people, about making
a difference. About helping. The sparks of physical attraction are there, Yoona is
sure of it, and they're getting to know each other, but she feels tired all of a sudden.
She doesn't want to be here, surrounded by the stares, the people leaning to hear.
She wants to be in her apartment, with a cold martini and her pills. The pills that
let her relax, that let her not care how many eyes are looking at her, judging
everything she does and says and wears.
"Is everything alright?"
"Huh? Oh. I'm sorry."
"Well, it was a boring story."
"No. It's fascinating, what you do. Getting people to pay attention to the
homeless cause, I mean... " She just wants her pills. And it's not like she has to
impress this woman, or pay attention or care. She can have anyone she wants, just
by looking. And people are always waiting to find a place in her life. Which just
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makes her despise everyone eventually.

Yoona catches herself. No. That's not right. That's the arrogance of fame
talking, the isolation, the life. That isn't her. That's why she's tried to volunteer. To
reconnect with people as people, not a mass of adoring faces staring and wanting.
But people. This woman, Sooyoung, seems interesting. Competent. Sexy.
She just needs her pills. They'll put a softer edge on the world. And right
now the world, everything in it, seems to be as sharp as a knife.
"Excuse me. I need to run to the powder room. I'll be right back."
She's in the stall, digging through her purse and there, her little round
friends. But the pill bottle won't open. Her fingers are shaking and the damned
bottle won't open! She drops it and watches as the bottle lands on her Jimmy
Choos, bouncing and rolling out from under the stall door.
She opens the door and there's her date. Holding the bottle. Reading the
label.
"Give me those!" Yoona snaps. Excuses want to come spilling out. They're
just pain pills. I need them for my headache.
"Sure. They're yours." Sooyoung hands them to her and leaves. Yoona wants
to think that she hasn't seen something sad in those eyes.
Yoona looks at the bottle in her hand, her body really wanting two or three
of them. Those eyes... she puts the bottle back into her purse.
Dinner is tasteless and Yoona feels nervous, though the why of it eludes her.
Sooyoung smiles at her funny stories and tells a few of her own. She's polite,
urbane and kind, but after coffee, when anyone else would be trying to find a way
to entice her to go out for drinks or a drive, Sooyoung says, "It was a pleasure
meeting you. But I don't think my project needs you. We wouldn't be a good fit."
Yoona isn't used to people refusing her help. Her face alone will get donors
to line up around the block. Her mouth opens but nothing comes out. She wants to
protest, to ask if Sooyoung is crazy, but she knows. Her face flushes as anger
builds inside. Who is this woman to judge her? She can't know what a hard life...
but Sooyoung works with the homeless. The indigent. The people who freeze to
death in the winter. She works with junkies. Addicts.
Yoona stutters, "W-Well. It's your loss."
"No doubt." Sooyoung takes out a card. It's her personal card, not the one
with the project logo, but Apex Advertising. On the back she writes a phone
number. "That's my cell number. Anytime you want to talk, about anything. Call
me."
"Why?" It's a whisper.
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"Because I think you need a friend."

Long after Sooyoung is gone Yoona looks at the card, sitting there on the
tablecloth.
A friend. It must be her imagination. It must be a ploy, to play a different
angle, to be interesting, or cool or seem intriguing. A friend. Is that even possible?
She'd started off young. Painfully shy but with a huge laugh. She'd loved
theater, and she'd skipped most of the pitfalls of being young, ambitious and
hungry in Los Angeles. She'd caught the eye of a movie director at a party. A bit
part turning into something larger. She'd had so much fun. So much to see and
learn and do.
But now, three years into the business of fame, and the dream has lost its
luster. The people are so fake. Everyone knows it.
A friend? A friend. Someone she could talk to. Someone who might like her.
Yoona picks up the card. It will be a week before she can work up the
courage, her body craving the little pills, sleep something that eludes her every
night, but she resists their call. For some reason she doesn't want to disappoint a
person she doesn't even know. Like it matters.
"Hello?"
"Hi. Um. It's Yoona."
"Hi, Yoona."
"You were sleeping."
"It is four in the morning."
"It is."
"People usually sleep at four in the morning."
"It's just... I'm leaving for LA in a couple of days and I... I'd... can we go
out?"
"I have to work late tomorrow. There's a deadline at the office."
"Oh."
"But if you're up at this time, we could go out after I get off. Midnight?"
"No. No. You should be sleeping. That's too late."
"Or we could talk now."
"Now?"
"We are on the phone."
"We are."
"What's wrong, Yoona?"
"I can't sleep."
"Well, I could sing you a lullaby, but it wouldn't help."
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"Why not?"
"My voice, it drives the women crazy."
"Hah!"
"Seriously. Too bad I can't sing this late. Or early."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I would be getting up in... an hour anyway."
"So early?"
"The drive in can be a bear."
"I could get coffee."
"And I could get doughnuts."
"We could get coffee and doughnuts?"
"I like the way you think. So logical."
"You're laughing at me."
"A little."
"There's a Krispy Kreme near my place."
"The one on 7th or 23rd?"
"Near Madison Square Garden?"
"7th. I love those things, when the red light is on."
Even though the dawn is nothing but a glimmer, they're both wearing
sunglasses. One for anonymity, the other because her eyes look bruised. Soo hides
a yawn. Two hours of sleep. But a friend needs her.
Yoona has the hot doughnuts, the black coffee already, and when Soo
shuffles in, Yoona leads her right back out, to her place. It's a nice apartment.
Opulent, with a view that takes Soo's breath away, the sun breaking over
Manhattan.
"Nice place."
"You're so tired."
"You don't look so hot yourself, princess."
They're both haggard.
Yoona never remembers where it starts, but they're soon both laughing, and
laughing.
Yoona sleeps that morning, on a sofa, wrapped in long arms and legs. Sleep,
luxuriant sleep. Soo is thin, really, too thin, but she's so comfortable to cuddle
with. It's like coming home.
They don't kiss. They don't make out. They don't fall into bed. Not for
months. Not until Soo is sure Yoona is over the pills. To Yoona it's all like a dream.
To be seen as a girl, with problems, with hurts, with wants and dreams. Sooyoung
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never lies to her, never lets her forget that she is a person, never treats her with
anything but love and respect. Through Sooyoung, Yoona finds herself again. She
likes herself again. It becomes a bi-coastal affair, with Yoona flying back to New
York every chance she can get. She asks if Soo can't come out to LA, but work
holds a tight leash. At first she thinks it's because Soo is fiercely loyal to her
company. The company she started with her friend out of college. But it demands
so much, and Soo's real passion is in helping people. Her charity work.
Soo is a woman she respects, and this is one of those things that the woman
won't budge on. Well. Should they live in Manhattan or in Soo's house?
"Live? Together?" There's something like panic in Soo's face, in her wide
eyes.
"You don't want to?"
"Uhh. Well. Uhh."
Yoona sniffs. "Is there someone else?"
"Well. No. That's a silly question."
"Do you want to stay single then? You know, play the field some more?"
"Hadn't really thought about it."
"I love you."
"Uh."
"I want to be with you."
"But... But. You're famous."
"You don't like me? Or that I'm famous?"
"You could-- you could be with-- "
"You. I want to be with you."
"But why?"
Yoona is sad now. She's been afraid, that Soo wouldn't want to be more than
casual friends. Soo doesn't like the Hollywood scene with its artificialities, the
superficial people. And in truth, Yoona hates the trappings just as much. But she
loves her work. She loves being able to make people feel what she feels.
Their lives are completely different. Why indeed. Why does she want Soo in
her life? "Because I can't imagine life without you."
Sooyoung nods. That's a pretty good answer. "My place. I don't like
Manhattan. But you have to marry me. My parents don't believe in shacking up."
Yoona's jaw drops. "Did-- Did-- Did you just propose to me?"
Sooyoung pulls out a ring. Matching rings. "Yeah. I was going to put it in
your dessert, next week, but I was worried you'd just, you know, swallow it. You
know how you eat."
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Yoona tackles her, outraged, flushed, happy, insanely happy. "You eat more!"
"Only because I need the energy. Good God, woman. It's a good thing you
pay all the time."
"Put it on. Put it on!"
"Calm your ta-tas, babe. You'd think it was your first proposal."
Yoona quivers in excitement, her eyes can't believe the sight of the ring on
her hand. Soo puts on her own ring with a sigh and gets tackled again.
"Choi Sooyoung, as soon as I kiss you silly, I'm going to kill you for your
sense of humor."
"And here I thought you'd be happy. My place is bigger."
"I am happy. So very happy."
"Me too, babe. Me too."
Taeyeon shakes her head, looking at Yoona staring at her hands. She feels
the joy of the memories. And despite the pain in her own heart, the grief of her
own soul, she finds herself smiling. Joy.
Yoona sighs, heavily. There is no joy. No love. No friend in her life. All
drained away by a bullet. A random mugging gone wrong. What happened? Soo
was one to give her own coat to someone without one. Soo wouldn't have fought.
She wouldn't have risked getting hurt.
It was Taeyeon's fault.
Taeyeon shakes her head. Whose thought, hers or mine?
It was Taeyeon's fault. If Soo hadn't needed to see her-- Yoona shakes her
head. No. No. There is no blame, no fault. Random chance. Bad luck. Soo had
made the decision, never thinking she wouldn't return. How did one blame the
world?
Taeyeon can't agree. It was my fault. It is my fault.
Had it been about the car? The Audi, less than a hundred miles on its
odometer. It sat in the driveway for a month before Krystal had it towed back to
the dealer. The key in Soo's hand... Did Soo get shot over the car? Yoona wonders
that the thought hasn't occurred to her earlier. One of Soo's excuses for driving the
Blue Comet for so long had been that no one was likely to steal it.
The thought rolls around in Yoona's mind, gaining momentum, traction. But.
Soo wouldn't have fought for the car. No matter that it was a gift, she drove the
things because Yoona asked her to.
Yoona's mind can't process the ugliness of the thought. That she is
responsible for Soo's death.
She needs... something.
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Something to stop thinking. Something to stop the pain. To make life

bearable. She needs her pills. Soo can't blame her. She'd died. She'd left, and left
Yoona to hold the bag, the one with her life in it. The bag. Upstairs, in her bag,
upstairs. The pills. Her pills.
Yoona walks up the stairs, Taeyeon trailing behind, horrified. "It isn't your
fault! The mugger was strung out. Jittery. The gun, he had his finger on the trigger!
He wasn't right in the head. All he could think about... were pills! A needle.
Something to make him feel better! Damn it, Yoona!"
The pills. Just one. Two. No, she would wake up too soon. Three. Three
would put her out for a day. Four. Four will knock her down hard enough that she
won't remember anything. Dream anything. Feel anything.
Her old suitcase. The bottle is in her hand. She shakes it. Full. How easy
would it be? The easy way? She'd be leaving Seohyunah. Would be gifting her
with a lifetime of puzzled wondering, of doubt. But she's already left her baby.
She's barely been there this last year. Krystal would take her, take care of her.
Krystal will be rich. Richer. She's smart, and strong.
"Yoona."
Yoona spins, Taeyeon spins. This wheelchair is well made, its wheel
bearings precision made Chris King cartridge units from the small company in
California. Utterly silent. What a random thought. She blinks, trying to start her
brain back up. Trying to will the sight of Krystal away.
Krystal holds out her hand, palm up. Asking.
Yoona's chin trembles as the possibility of surcease dwindles. She doesn't
want to feel. She bites her lip. "I-I can't."
Krystal nods. "I know. I know, honey. But this, you can't do. Soo would
never understand. She'd never give up." Her hand. Demanding.
Yoona puts the bottle in the waiting hand and then crumples, and Krystal
pats her shoulder as Yoona cries on her lap. Seohyun comes in, in her bunny
pajamas, the hood with its floppy ears hanging at her back. She pulls the hood up
as she sits on her mommy's lap, so the tears won't wet her hair. Krystal umma has
already brushed it shiny and it wouldn't be nice to have wet hair again so soon.
She hugs her crying mommy hard because mommy is hugging her hard, and that's
okay. Mommy is strong. She believes it.
Taeyeon sags with relief, incredibly grateful for the girl in the wheelchair.
Her vision jumps, pumping with her pounding heart. So close. She'd been sure
Yoona was going to die. One more death to put at her feet, one more sin, one more
life to weigh against her sanity.
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Seohyun falls asleep and at Krystal's gentle urging Yoona moves to her bed,
lifting her daughter. Krystal's chair is sideways, next to the bed and she leans
sideways, her spine somehow flexible enough that the child is cuddled between
them. Over Seohyunah's bunny ears Krystal strokes Yoona's hair, gently.
Yoona looks at her. This family's protector, taking up where Soo had left off.
"How? How do you do it? How do you keep on?"
In the darkened room Yoona can feel that Krystal is smiling. A sad sort of
smile. "Hope, babe. You have to be alive to hope."
"Hope? For what?"
"That you'll find new happiness. That the dark won't last."
"How are you so smart?"
"Soo told me that. I didn't believe her. Not at the time. I'd lost everything.
But she showed me. Listen to her words, hon. I didn't believe her, but then you
took me in. You gave me a new family. You gave me this little one, and yourself.
Trust her. Trust me. Trust yourself, that you'll be happy again."
"I'm sorry."
"For what? For scaring me? I forgive you. Unless I turn prematurely gray. I
like this hair."
"Hah. No. Well that. But also for making you carry me this last year."
"Oh. It wasn't hard. This chair's rated for three hundred pounds. No sweat."
Yoona falls asleep sometime later and Krystal moves slowly, covering the
thin woman and their child. She sits in the dark, watching them for a time and then
rolls out. The pills she flushes.
Poison.
She'd normally use the lift to go to her room downstairs, but it's gotten loud
of late. She'll have to call someone to service it after Christmas. Well, it's not the
first time she's slept in her chair. It isn't that uncomfortable, though her neck will
be sore.
She rolls into Seohyunah's pastel pink room and pulls off the knit cap,
feeling it, the holes she's darned in it, where the fine merino yarn has pilled as it's
worn thin, the missed purls, as if Jessie had been drunk knitting. Not Jessie's fault.
She'd needed a circular needle but was too cheap to buy one. Jessie had given the
cap to her when her hair had started falling out in handfuls. So you at least look
like an egg with a hat. She holds it in her lap and talks to her sister.
Krystal closes her eyes to do so, so she can remember Jessie's face. She
hates that it's getting harder. Jessie is only clear in her dreams, and of course she
evaporates with the morning sun. Jessie was never one to sit still.
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She doesn't have a picture of her sister, or of her parents. They hadn't taken
any, after the accident, and the ones from their childhood are gone, vanished, the
same time her legs went missing, oh, and her sister too. Mustn't forget that. Bad
things happened in threes, right? So her legs counted as one? That didn't seem fair.
She could have worn a prosthetic if she'd kept one of them, limping instead of
rolling. She could have had spring legs fit if she'd had knees. Those would have let
her run.
Krystal laughs silently. Might as well wish she'd had cancer of the little toe.
Did they give out handicap license plates for little toe amputees? The little toe was
more important than it let on, doing more than its fair share in balancing someone
upright. Why, if she'd had a drink, she would have raised it to all the little toes in
the world. There was something like sixteen billion of the little wigglers orbiting
the sun. That was a lot of toes. Too bad she didn't have hers.
She's almost forgotten what running is like and she's both scared and
fascinated by Seohyunah's slim legs flashing when the little darling sprints. Surely
she's going to fall any instant, but Seohyunah is like a baby mountain goat in her
surefootedness; inexhaustible, adorable, and so, so sweet. She'll love ballet.
Krystal's breath hitches, something sharp twisting in her heart. No. No. It
will be a joy to watch Seohyun spin and jump, and she'll clap like a madwoman at
the recitals. How can she do less? Her life is a gift.
"Hey, sis. Jessie. Another year. This was a tough one. Soo... " Krystal cries
silently. It's been so hard. Keeping it together. But crying silently is exhausting and
she's already tired. Just a minute. Let me get it together. She wipes the tears away.
She's tired. Tired of life. No matter the gifts, it's a human thing to only see
the here, the now. Right now... right now, she's damned tired. She wishes she had
her legs. Her sister. Soo. Her parents. At least a picture of them.
"That was your fault, Jessie. Leaving the door open."
She remembers this clearly.
They spend Christmas together, always, in their home. Jessie cooks... well,
Jessie tries to make her her favorites. Jessie's heart is in the right place. The
ingredients? Not so much. They light a candle and open the box, taking the things
out carefully, looking through all that they have left of their parents. And they talk,
telling stories, of growing up, things Mom and Dad said or did, places they went.
Jessie does most of the talking. She's older, she remembers more. Krystal tries to
remember but every year the memories are more uncertain. Is she remembering
them or remembering Jessie talking about them? The uncertainty makes her sad.
Then they talk about life in general. And again, it's mostly Jessie because
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Krystal knows she is boring. Her life is made up of moments of excruciation,

punctuated by mere agony. It gets boring.
"So, what's it like at work? Who's your boss? Is there anyone hot?" Girl
stuff.
Jessie is excited, working with a real team on real projects, and at the end of
it their work is put out there, in print, or TV or on the internet. Jessie frowns then.
They can't afford a computer. Krystal needs one for school. Maybe there will be
money next year.
Krystal sees her discomfort. "Nails! Can I do your nails, Jessie?"
She remembers the hard years, with Jessie working two jobs to get herself
through community college, taking Krystal to the free clinics, the hospitals,
applying everywhere for free medical care. And the inconstant care wringing her
sick body out, the cancer growing. Not even understanding the fight, how to fight,
but knowing she was losing. Krystal would lay in bed at night, imagining that she
could feel the cancer eating her, cell by cell.
But Jessie getting the job, the dream job, changing so much for them.
Getting to see the same doctor more than twice was a new thing. A nice lady.
Caring. The chemo regimen easier, and then, then hope. A cure possible. Surgery
that might finally let her beat the cancer. Only thing was, she might get really sick
trying to get strong enough.
Krystal looks at her arms, feels them. They're strong now, but back then
they'd been like sticks, the bones protruding at elbow and wrist. She'd looked like
a Holocaust survivor, her sunken cheeks throwing dramatic shadows.
But to walk again? Run again? Hell ya. Bring it. Give me whatever. I'll do it.
I'll take it. Jessie smiling at her eagerness. But the pain. The new meds. Oh, it hurt
so bad. Like a red hot knife being dragged through her tummy. But she could bear
it. She could do it.
The pain constant, those last days, with Christmas looming.
Eating Jessie's cooking wasn't going to be any fun. Especially this year. But
it was Christmas. Her most favorite day of the entire year.
Jessie coming to her bed in the hospital, smiling, taking her hand.
"Jessie, can I go home?"
"Um. I don't think that would be a good idea. You're not doing too well."
"What are you talking about? I'm going great. Look. See that? A muscle!"
"You're not eating. The nurse told me."
"I'll eat! I'll eat. I want to go home. I want to go home, Jessie. Please."
Jessica looks at her little sister. Krystal never asks for anything. She knows
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how tight their budget is. She knows. But she's in so much pain. Jessica can see the
lines of stress, the fine sheen of sweat. The tremor in her voice. She's always in
pain, but this seems worse.
"I'll ask."
Krystal has good hearing, and the doctor on duty is an older man who's
slightly hard of hearing, his replies a little louder than they need to be.
"She shouldn't be moved."
"It's Christmas. We always spend Christmas at home."
The doctor looks at Jessica and then at Krystal. He chews his lip for a
second. "It's not going to be easy. She has two IV's that would need to go."
"I know all about IV's. What are the other dangers?"
"A bleed. But she hasn't complained about any excessive pain, so that should
be okay."
"They said the medicine might cause an ulcer."
"She wouldn't be able to move if she had a bleeding ulcer. Treat her like
she's made of glass and it should be okay. But if she starts to complain about
stomach pains, bring her back immediately. That's very important."
"Of course."
"Look, the reason I'm letting this happen is because she's really feeling down
and a patient's emotional balance is just as important as her blood pressure. Cheer
her up, and we'll see you back on Monday. Oh, and nothing spicy. I know you
Koreans."
Jessie nods and Krystal pumps her fist. Yes! Her tummy pokes her, sharp
pain somehow making it through the opioids. Taeyeon shakes her head. She can
feel Krystal's pain. White hot agony, but the girl is happy. Happy she'll get to see
her parents. Happy she'll get to talk to Jessie. The little rituals of the holidays.
Taeyeon sees him gesture Jessica further away from the door.
"The other reason is more serious. You know what her doctor said."
Jessica nods, her chin tight.
'If the surgery doesn't cure her, she'll lose her legs. At the least.'
'What do you mean, 'At the least?''
'Your sister is reaching the limits of what her body can handle.'
'You mean--'
'This might be her last Christmas. You should be prepared.'
In the now Krystal sits in the dark, in her wheelchair, her eyes closed. "Hey,
Jessie. See? The cap. Good as new. Sometimes it's itchy. In the summer, with hair?
It's hot."
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Krystal struggles to see her sister, she struggles every time when she talks to
Jessie. It's difficult to try to remember someone years gone. Like a worn picture,
much handled. The memory, the importance of it doesn't fade but everything
around it does.
"Christmas Eve was good. Great. We had people over. Yoona is doing okay.
It's been really hard for her. Seohyunah's growing so fast. I think she's heavier than
I was when I was her age." Krystal smiles. "And I think I grew some. I think I'd be
taller than you now." With legs. Duh.
Without saying goodbye, or goodnight, Krystal falls asleep. She dreams.
And it's that night. Krystal leaving the hospital, riding in the taxi, Jessie
telling the driver to go slow. Christmas at home. The apartment is home. The home
they've made. That Jessie's made for her. Her room smells like disinfectant, sharp,
unpleasant, but it's her room. Her low bed. Tonight they'll get the box out and tell
stories. Santa Jessie has two presents for her under the tree and dinner doesn't
smell half bad. She'll send Jessie to a cooking school, once she's up and better and
running around. Once she graduates and gets a job. Jessie will meet someone and
get married and she'll be crazy Aunt Krystal to all the little rugrats, always on the
move, running all over the globe as an action photographer, or marathon runner, or
whatever job she can find that means moving. She won't ever be still, not till the
day she dies.
She looks down at her legs. Her useless legs. You guys will be strong again.
Able to take my weight. Long and strong, in jeans, making the guys drool in a
miniskirt, running, jumping. She'll dance everywhere. If only her tummy would
cooperate.
Damn, it hurts so bad.
Jessie is moving around the kitchen. Humming. Dinner is almost ready, but
something is stabbing Krystal.
But if she says anything, she'll have to go back to the hospital. She'll miss
their talk. Seeing Mom and Dad's smiling faces. Opening her presents. She can
tough it out. She's been through worse. The chemo is always the worst of it. When
her skin wants to peel itself off and walk away, when it feels like ants are crawling
along her bones, with feet dipped in acid. This? This is nothing. Just some tummy
trouble, probably from smelling food that didn't come from the hospital cafeteria,
where all the cooks ascribe to the School of Bland.
There. Not too bad. Bearable.
She smiles up at Jessie. Beautiful Jessie. Her hair needs to be dyed again.
"Are you that busy with work?"
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"Hmm?"
"I'll watch the stove. Run out to the Duane Reade on the corner. It'll be open,
even on Christmas Eve."
"I don't need to dye my hair."
"You do. Please? I like touching your hair." I miss mine. A lot.
Jessie looks at her. Krystal smiles back, showing every tooth in her head.
"Fine. Don't let the peas burn."
"Isn't there supposed to be water in there?"
"Oh. Really?"
"Yeah. I'll take care of the peas. Go."
And Jessie leaves. But then the pain really arrives.
Taeyeon can't watch. It's like some horror show. No blood, nothing graphic,
just the face of a girl dying.
Krystal gets the peas off the stove. Turns off the oven. It only takes about ten
minutes, between spasms of pain. She reaches up, to the IV line on her wheelchair
and opens the drip wide and looks down at her tummy. Just one night. Behave for
one night, will you? You don't even have to hold anything. I won't eat. Let me have
one night with Jessie and Mom and Dad. Please?
The pain eases until it's somewhere below a red hot sword in her chest.
Jessie comes back, the hair dye in a white plastic bag. Krystal smiles at her and
something happens. The world grays out.
"Excuse me. I forgot something in my room." Krystal blinks rapidly, trying
to clear her vision. She opens the door as the nausea hits. Her clean room.
Spotless. And she makes a huge mess. Over everything. So much blood.
It's impossible to vomit quietly. Can't be done. She tries, but it can't be done.
Dimly she hears Jessie's running footsteps, the panicked, "Oh no. No. No.
No. No!" It's a confused hash of images. Krystal remembers the apartment door is
wide open as the EMTs move her gurney, trailed by a crying sister, blood all over
her slacks. Sorry, sis.
And then nothing. Nothing until she hears that Jessie is gone. That memory
is just perfectly vivid. Along with the sound of her legs breaking. Though that's
more a feel than a noise.
Someone holds her. Someone is trying to calm her. She can feel the care in
long thin arms. Arms that don't see her as something to shy away from. Arms and a
body that cradle her in her hysteric grief. She remembers them.
And then nothing again.
When she wakes, she's missing her legs below mid-thigh, and her sister. That
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takes a while to work through. There is much crying, gnashing, and wailing. Quite
biblical. They knock her out and by this point, she's really tired of being
unconscious. One needs consciousness to properly curse the universe. How did her
sister die? She asks the orderly, the nurses, the doctor, the janitor, the other patient
in the ICU. No one will say. No one will tell her.
And then two women are at her bedside. Both tall, both beautiful. They're a
couple. A nice couple. A bit weird to see two really pretty women like that as a
couple, but it could happen.
The taller one is Sooyoung, but call her Soo. The other is Yoona. They tell
her about Jessie. How she died. Tears stream down their faces but Krystal is
frozen, numb. Some part of her is screaming, silently.
"Where... is Jessie's body? Can I see her? Can I say goodbye? She's my
sister. No one will tell me where she is."
Sooyoung answers, "You almost died. They had to keep you under for a long
time. A medically induced coma."
"How long?" Their faces are pained, reluctant. "How long?"
"A month."
"She's gone, then." Jessie was an organ donor. Of course she was. Nothing to
their names, but Jessie always gave something when she could.
She hears them tell her that Jessie was cremated, and the nice beautiful
couple have buried her ashes in a nice beautiful cemetery on Long Island. While
Krystal slept the sleep of the perfectly monstrous.
She turns her head away until they leave and then she mourns. That night the
doctors have to strap her down to keep her from pulling the IV needles out. The
damned things keep her alive, and that's an inconvenience she'd rather not deal
with.
The next day the taller woman is back. Krystal asks for her to scratch her
nose. It itches.
Soo asks them to take the straps off. There's quite an argument and Soo is
talking about suing them. Yelling, about suing them. Krystal feels some shame.
Jessica wouldn't have approved of the yelling, or the pulling out of IV's. The straps
come off. Krystal hates the attention, is embarrassed by it. What do they think of
the person who raised her? Jessie.
She remains silent, while Sooyoung talks. She's Jessie's friend from the
company. Really close friends. Like blood brothers. Only with boobs. And as
boobed brothers, er, sisters, Soo says that she'll be taking care of her. But Jessie
has never, ever mentioned her. You'd think a person would give tell of such a
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thing, a close friend. Soo also asks her not to mess with the IV's.
Krystal nods once, icy dignity, brittle really. "Anyway, I'd like to be alone for
the next decade or so. It was nice meeting you. Please don't come back." And then
the tears come, as they do, unbidden, unexpected. It hurts so much. She turns away
awkwardly, with difficulty, her bandaged stumps not letting do much at all. It's
amazing how much one takes legs for granted. Like they're a part of you or
something.
Sooyoung finally leaves, and Krystal doesn't know anything anymore. When
dinner arrives she throws the food tray onto the floor and screams at them. Later
she apologizes. But she tells them to not bring anything to eat. They can't make her
eat. They can't keep her alive if she doesn't want them to.
Jessie was her guardian, and now she's alone. Alone.
Sooyoung shows up the next day. She has loads of different types of takeout.
There's Chinese, Vietnamese, Italian, French, Ethiopian, and strangely no Korean.
Her eyes ask the question.
"Korean is too spicy, the dietitian said, 'No.''' Her body betrays her by
enjoying the smell from the bags. She looks at Soo resentfully, but Soo pushes a
round container of chicken with fried rice at her while she opens something else
for herself. Shrimp something or other. With hunks of lobster.
Krystal says, "No." Her tummy says, 'YES!' Her tummy. Her hateful tummy.
Soo just eats. And eats. And eats. With relish. With enjoyment. Like choirs
of angels are flitting about her head as she chews.
"You are not my guardian. Why are you here? What is this?"
Soo chews thoughtfully. Swallows. Puts some more food in her mouth.
Makes an 'mmmm' sound. Really, the woman ought to make food commercials
where she eats. She could sell anything remotely edible.
Krystal can't help but snort a laugh. The taller woman is... fun. Funny. Nice.
It feels like she's cheating on her sister. But Jessie would want her to eat. Her
tummy agrees.
Krystal eats, and now Sooyoung is telling her she can't eat too much, or too
fast. But Krystal shoves big spoonfuls of delicious into her mouth.
Disappointingly, her tummy, for all its treachery, can't hold much. It's shrunk.
Stupid tummy.
She thanks Soo for the food, but Soo isn't her guardian, so she shouldn't keep
coming here. Being nice. Krystal has to toughen the fudge up. It's a cold world out
there.
The next day the tall woman has a nice lawyer friend in tow, explaining how
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since Krystal is a minor without a guardian, the court has appointed one.
Sooyoung. That's the day Krystal is moved into a private room with all the
amenities. Like a really nice hotel suite, only with needles and nurses. Soo hands
her a schedule. Krystal will wake up each day and spends hours with various
physical therapists, trainers and psychologists. They will want to talk to her about
her life, her sister, her legs. They'll get her fitted to a new chair, all fancy metal and
carbon fiber and take her exercising and adjusting and living.
It has to be really expensive. Like. Really. Expensive.
Krystal asks Sooyoung, "Why?"
"For Jessica."
Krystal can't answer. Her quiet tears eventually drive Sooyoung away, but
the tall woman says she'll be back tomorrow. She gives Krystal a hug. A gentle
hug. The woman knows about hugging.
The next day Sooyoung finds Krystal with a folder of paperwork. The
account with the hospital. No insurance. But everything is paid in full. Even the
back balances. By Sooyoung. There's even a note about an Air Force jet, though
that one is free for some reason, but not the rest of it. The zeros... so many.
Krystal has always known how hideously expensive her existence is. Even
cured of cancer, she'll need lots of care. There is a folder detailing all the steps.
Months. Therapies. Drugs. And no insurance. "I can't take your help. I'm really
expensive. It's really expensive being me." Jessie, worrying herself silly,
calculator, bills, her pay stub, her checkbook. Trying to make things fit, always
hiding this paperwork, hiding her frowns.
"You can."
I killed her. "Why are you helping me?"
"I was your sister's friend."
"She never said anything about you."
"Jessica was a private sort of person."
"Not to me. She told me everything. We didn't have much, but we had each
other."
"You have me now."
"I don't know you."
"My name is Sooyoung. Sooyoung Choi."
"You're supposed to say that with a British accent."
"Your sense of humor seems to be intact."
"About the only thing, ya know?"
"I like you, kid."
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"And I don't understand you. So what if she was your friend? You don't
spend tens of thousands of dollars on a friend's sister."
"Losing Jessica hurt."
"Why yes, it did. More than losing my legs, and that was no picnic either.
Look. I'm damaged. I'm broken. I'm no use to anyone. And I don't like charity. I
won't be pitied."
"You think this is pity?"
"Isn't it?"
"No. Not at all."
"Well, whatever it is. I'm not taking it."
"Then what? How? How can you-- "
"I don't know! There aren't any debtor's prisons anymore, right? So when I
get all rehabbed, and on my own two wheels, I'll get a job. I'll pay you back, every
cent."
"Why do you think you have to do this on your own?"
Because I don't deserve this. I'm evil. "My sister and I were poor. We were.
But we didn't owe anybody anything we couldn't pay back. This... the private
room, the custom wheelchair, all the therapists-- it's too much! It'll be really hard
for me to make decent money and-- and-- I don't know how I'm going to pay you
back. So you need to stop making me owe more. Please." I'm alone. I have to get
used to it. Don't be nice to me.
"You don't owe me anything. It's actually my fianc's money. Remember
her? She's the loaded one. I only have a few million, but I do have a lot of free
time on my hands. So."
"Million? Like millionaire?"
"Yeah. Sold my part of the company. Retired."
"How old are you?"
"Twenty four. Almost twenty five."
Younger than Jessie. What could Jessie have done with her life, if I had died
in the car accident instead of burdening her for so long? "Nice. Very nice... It
must be nice. You've done a few things right."
"A few. Not enough. Not nearly enough."
"I'd say you're doing just fine."
"No. We all have problems. Some are more visible, but we all have
problems."
"Well, I'm doing swimmingly. And do you know? I can swim. That's one of
the recommended therapies for double amputees. As long as I don't drown. I'll
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have to wear water wings. I imagine it'll be quite embarrassing."

"You're amazing. And you're coping really well."
I'm going insane. "I'm a cripple. It keeps one humble."
"I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
"Why are you crying?"
"B-Because you're beautiful. You and your sister both."
"No! How can you-- I'm ugly. I killed her. I'm a monster! A-A cancer. I
sucked out all her life, I rode her back like a malignancy and I killed her. My
beautiful sister. That's what I am. I'm the one who deserved to die. I'm the one who
should have died! Not her. No one can tell me why I'm alive and she isn't and that
makes me so... angry. So very angry."
"Because her wish was for you to live. She gave up her life so you could
have a chance."
"How? How do I live without her? How do I go on?" Krystal is screaming at
Soo and Soo gathers her into her arms, the same arms that cradled her before and
they both cry.
"You go on for her. But then, later, you'll go on for yourself."
"... I can't. I don't want to be alive."
"You can't give this gift back."
"Gift? You call this a gift."
"Life is always a gift. What you do with it, that defines its worth."
"But I'm worthless. I'm useless."
Sooyoung shakes her, the IV line swinging back and forth. "No. You are a
gift. You have to have hope. You can't give up."
"Stubborn much?"
"You don't even know."
"Let me ask you. What good is hope? I had hope. I wanted to walk, and run,
dance. I wanted to live with my sister, jog with her, walk with her to the store. I
wanted to live."
"Well, you can live. The rest, no."
Through her tears Krystal laughs.
After, when they've blown their noses, wiped their eyes and sorted
themselves, they sit in silence.
Krystal stares at nothing. She's empty. Drained.
Sooyoung needs to leave. There are wedding arrangements to deal with. But
she wants this remarkable young woman to think on something besides her grief.
Taeyeon is drained too. She's missed Sooyoung so much and this hurts. In so
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many ways. Krystal doesn't see Sooyoung dissolving into tears after every visit,
doesn't hear Soo's phone calls to her caregivers, and medical experts and
psychologists. The best minds in their fields. Getting advice, reading for hours on
end, on how to help, how to heal.
But this next comes from Soo's heart. From her beliefs.
"Want to know the secret to life?"
Taeyeon nods.
"Do tell, oh enlightened one."
"Hope. Life is hope."
"Yeah? But most times, it comes to naught, don't it?"
"But there's always new hope. There's only one trick to it."
"Still listening."
"You have to be alive to hope and alive to carry the hopes of those who are
no longer here."
"For what? What should I hope for? I can't grow my legs back. I can't bring
my sister back."
"New hopes to replace old ones. That you'll find new happiness. That the
dark won't last. It won't, Krystal. It won't."
"And you know that?"
"You sister did. She just wanted to buy you the time to get you there. You are
your sister's hope. Don't fail her."
"... I won't."
Krystal awakes. It's Christmas. "I won't."
Taeyeon shudders as the vision wavers. The beauty of it is powerful, but
what does it mean for her? Hope? She... she is too far gone. There can be nothing
to hope for.
All is dark. But a darker being is present.
"You cling stubbornly to your belief."
"Habit. More than habit. It's who I am." I don't deserve hope.
"Look more. Look and learn. Or look and die."
The darkness shatters and this time Taeyeon is back in the cemetery. The
same cemetery. Headstones. She can see them side-by-side. Jessica's. Sooyoung's.
A new grave has been dug, the backhoe discreetly hiding behind a screen of pines,
waiting to fill it after the ceremony is over, the grieving departed. The fill dirt is
mounded to one side, covered over with AstroTurf squares. A minister of some
sort conducts the ceremony, twenty chairs lined up like soldiers in two ranks. But
only a pair of them are taken. A woman, veiled, a girl, about ten. And another
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woman in a wheelchair. Three guests.

The minister drones on, platitudes well rehearsed. No one cries. It is solemn,
quiet, not even attended by the wind.
The final word is said and the casket is lowered. Seohyun fidgets a bit,
holding her mothers' hands. The headstone. The headstone. The. Head. Stone.

Taeyeon Kim
1989 - 2024
Well. There it is. The sum of her life. And a petty sum at that. Taeyeon feels
numb. No great mystery here. All things die, even those already dead. What is
somewhat a mystery is the presence of the three mourners. Hmm. Perhaps not
mourners. There isn't much... mourning going on. Taeyeon finds herself annoyed.
A tear? Two? But then, it isn't as if she's done anything to deserve them, eh?
No horror. No... bereavement. Nothing. But at least someone has come.
Taeyeon gives a small nod. Someone would remember her.
She would prefer to stay clear, the morbid wish of so many adolescents, to
attend their own funeral, finding no purchase in her weary soul. But she isn't
alone, is she? Something prods her back and she is pushed forward, as the little
odd family moves off. They stop by the other pair of stones. Mom. Sis.
Prod. Prod.
Alright! Stop it!
The grass is immaculate, the flower holders filled. Creamy white lilies.
Thoughts fill the silence.
Love.
Jessie.
Hi, Mom! Hi, Aunt Sica!
Taeyeon hears their prayers, their words. Seohyun's mind is a babbling
brook, happy about this and that. A happy child. Yoona goes on about her latest
work. How she wishes that Soo could see it. She has three more Oscars decorating
the mantle. Indeed, the mantle is getting crowded. There are ballet ribbons and
awards for bird photography of all things. Krystal likes birds. They have wings
which are even better than legs.
Their thoughts wind down. Words of goodbye now.
Yoona looks at her love's grave. Her thoughts are warm, her beauty just as
great, mature, timeless. Her expression is wry, knowing, placating. I know. I know.
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You want me to find someone else. But I already had the love of my life. Anything
more would be greedy. How can I think to replace... perfection? So stop nagging
me, woman. I love you. Always.
Yoona turns to Jessica's grave. She says the same thing, year after year. But
it remains true. Jessica, you raised such a fine sister, a wonder. She saved my life,
you know. That means you saved my life. I never met you, but I know you. I know
you. And I'm strong now. Stronger every day. I will look out for her and keep her
safe, in your place. I promise. Be at peace, sister.
Krystal blushes as she looks at her sister's headstone. Jessie. I met someone.
You'd love her. Soo's cousin! Can you believe it? It's like we're one... whacky
family. Her name's Sulli. She's so tall. As tall as Soo. And silly. Ah. I wish you
could see her... I wish I could see you. I miss you. Give my love to Mom and Dad
and visit me in my dreams, so I don't forget what you look like. Look out for me.
Like you always did.
Krystal then turns and looks at Sooyoung's grave. The woman who's taught
her so much. Soo. Ahh... Soo. I miss you and your words of wisdom. Thank you,
for everything. We did something for you, today. We buried Taeyeon, your friend.
You were going to tell me how she saved you, but you never came back. So
after a couple of years, when the pain of losing you faded a bit, I went to talk to
her. On Christmas Eve, after I left here, in fact. Apex is huge. But she was the only
one in the office. She wasn't very nice, but when I gave her my name she let me in.
No... It's not that she wasn't nice, but she wasn't one to care about a person's
feelings, you know? Honest. A very strong person, and stubborn. I thought you
were stubborn.
Of course she'd heard about your death, and she was deeply hurt by it. She'd
been crying. I could see her tears. You see, Soo, after your fight with her, when
you left the company, every year on Christmas Eve, she would sit in her office and
drink to you. To your friendship. It was the one day in the entire year she didn't do
any work. She wasn't religious, she wasn't social, she only had her work, and you.
She missed you, but she was afraid. Too afraid to talk to you. She told me it was
her one regret in life. I didn't tell her that you'd died just across the street. That
might have been too much for her. She had a bad heart. Her color was terrible
and she kept putting little pills under her tongue. She said her mom died of a bad
heart.
I think she had a broken heart. It was sad, seeing a lifetime of regret on her
face. That mugger kept you from seeing each other. If only you had realized earlier
that she missed you and wanted to see you. If only she'd had the courage to pick
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up the phone. She said she was so sorry about the things she'd said, things said
out of anger. If only either of you had called. Or written. Or used smoke signals.
Oh, Soo. I miss you so much. Remember? You once told me that you had to
be alive for hope to work, and alive to carry on the hopes of those who weren't.
Well, I hope wherever you are, that you're together with your friend, that you got
the chance to patch things up and regain the friendship that was lost in this life.
You were the most honorable person I've ever known, and surely you deserve
that. I'm glad you told me about Taeyeon. I'm glad I got to know her a bit. Our
little family has enough love for her as well, so we'll remember her in our prayers.
Peace be with you. Know that you are missed. Both of you.
Seohyun looks at her mothers. Their solemnity keeps her from running
around. She looks at the gravestones. One person she's never met, but she was
Krystal umma's sister, and that made her an aunt. And the other... was the tall
mommy with strong arms who'd loved to laugh with her and hug her and spin her
around. She's seen the pictures, the videos, but it's not quite the same thing as
being hugged. Here, in front of their gravestones she feels a little shy. This place is
about truth and respect. Krystal umma has taught her that.
Mommy. Aunt Sica. I miss you both. I hope you are both happy. I don't really
know Aunt Taeyeon, but I hope she is happy, too. I call her that cause Krystal
umma says that she is like an aunt. But she died of a broken heart. That's sad. So I
hope she is happier now. Aunt Taeyeon, I hope you are happier now. Okay. I'll see
all of you later. Tomorrow is Christmas! I hope you get presents. Wherever you
are. Bye, Mom! Bye, Aunt Sica! Bye, Aunt Taeyeon!

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7. Interlude

pirits gather, the place not of sky or earth, but some other realm, where all
possibilities exist, where all time is but a gathering of wishes. Where
thoughts light and whispers rumble, where forces swirl in distinction,
forever opposed, forever joined.
Three enter, to be known, their work seen and admired, judged, praised and
denigrated in turn, the points of view shifting, sliding, changing from light and
dark.
The three ignore the mutterings, the gossip, the excited sussurations of their
erstwhile audience. They talk amongst themselves, these three; Past, Present,
Future.
Sunny mutters, "A rarity to have seen a life so fraught with portent; twisted
and pained. She is both blessed and cursed. Like one of the great comedies, an
odyssey of meaning and fate."
Tiffany blinks in surprise and says, "You have the past. Prophets, kings,
queens, lords and ladies, august peoples, raised high or brought low; the histories
give much, do they not, of the potential wasted and won? How can a person of the
modern world compare? Are they not now all created equal, given protections and
guarantees of happiness? What grand meaning can be found in the present?"
Seohyun finds herself angry at the question. She is severe, but now her dark
raiment drips an ichor that evaporates, surrounding her in a miasma of midnight
mist as she rounds on Tiffany, the Spirit of the Present. "And what of me? Do I not
have all the future to see, the changes, the unthought consequences of actions, of
deeds both fair and foul? But for you to say that there is no significance to be
found in the present..." Seohyun steps closer to the erstwhile elfess, her eyes cold
and measuring, she says, "I find your thoughts lacking, unsuited to your role. I
thought better of you, Tiffany. Do you not see that the present is where the
momentum of the past meets the possibility of the future?" Seohyun drives an
imperious finger into Tiffany's breastbone, as if to drive the point to her spine.
"What is more important than the now?"
Sunny is wide eyed. Never has she seen the girl in black so animated.
Tiffany, on the other hand, doesn't care for the sudden interest and fair bridles at
the criticism.
If Seohyun is aware of all the eyes in the galleries, the ranks, the masses
watching them, she makes no sign. Instead she withdraws her regard, half turning
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away. Almost to herself she says, "I must agree with Sunny. I have judged
countless lives, seen untold nightmares of possibility and I say that Taeyeon and
the lives around her are strangely affecting. Chance is cruel, fate unkind, yet their
qualities, who they are, remain worthy."
Tiffany growls, "They are just people."
Seohyun turns back to the woman, still in her playful attempt at elven garb
la Christmas. Parlous light glitters from Tiffany's eyes but Seohyun matches the
glare with one of her own. She says, "They are moral in an immoral world, caring
when there is no care. Did you not see it?"
Tiffany scowls. Seohyun is the newest of them, yet always so certain and
immovably adamant in her beliefs. Tiffany allows more of her memories of self to
unravel. Her ears become pointed, the tips working themselves out amid strands of
long black hair and they twitch in annoyance, indeed her hair moves as if in an
unfelt wind as it grows long and wild. Better. "Of course I saw. I saw a girl in pain.
In denial. I saw love and hate, the duality of humankind personified, her capacity
for selfishness and fear, her need for love. But she is no different from any other.
No more deserving, no less guilty. A soul in pain, but do not all souls feel pain?"
Golden Sunny interjects, shining forth before the other two escalate their
coming spat. Tiffany has a temper and Seohyun never backs down. Best it not
come to blows. Rare, but it has happened. This time, Sunny's feelings are
surprisingly on Seohyun's side. An even rarer thing. "Tiffany, remember our duty.
You say it as if an equality exists in souls. Though they may all start out unstained,
unweighted, through their actions some are made mighty, some become venal, and
others dark. If there were no difference between them, what would we judge? We
are to let the souls know the weight of their actions, before they are lost. We offer
chance. A way forward. If one soul is not more deserving, or guilty, if good deed
and bad mean naught, then why do we labor? To merely observe for our
amusement? I exist to be a reminder, to instruct, to teach what brief history might
find. Remember our words. Redemption in time is worth any nine lives."
Tiffany's red lips are tight against her canines, her dark hair and eyes in
startling contrast to her pale skin. Vulpine and stark. She stands firm against the
others. "Do I need to be lettered? I have been at my station long, longer than you
both. How many have I seen fail? How many have we lost? This one I fear will be
no different."
Seohyun is aware of the others watching, judging. Her tone is calm, if no
less uncertain. "You have seen more lives than me, but you are wrong. Taeyeon
has felt much."
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Tiffany tosses her living mane. She is growing more wild by the second. Her
hair writhes in agitation. "But did she learn? We have seen her past, her present,
but while I see a girl accepting her wrongs as her wrongs, will it suffice? Will
there be an abeyance of her fate? If she does not change, as I fear, then the future
we have seen, all the pain, all the glory, will come to be."
Seohyun's voice becomes questioning, and that is unusual. Normally she
would choose to be silent, aloof, uncaring. But this time, as if she's seen enough to
be weary, enough to want a change, she persists. "Why do you doubt her? I saw no
falsity to her, no wish to hide from the truth. She is an honest soul. What is it you
fear?"
Tiffany lowers her chin. Where others might raise their heads when
confronted, this elf has known wars in her life. "Fear? What do I fear? Aye, I have
some few. Where you see honesty in her, I see obstinacy earned through arrogance
in her position. I think for change to find purchase in her soul, there needs to be
something more to her motivation. More than a wish to escape the lash of pain."
The last is said with a crack, recalling a leather plait, studded with barbs. Ancient
memories. Tiffany's voice has grown colder, the timbre of it raising a chilly mist.
Sunny closes her glowing cloak, raising the hood to cover her short golden locks.
She is puzzled. What is Tiffany playing at?
The elf continues, her voice husky as if laden with notes of mourning,
memory. "Pain, like pleasure, is a fading thing. In the light of morning, with
neither grounding nor belief, with no certainty in her visions, the only thing that
might sway her is fear. And fear, in the rational world, is irrational. Evanescent as
the morning mist. Mayhap, she will look upon herself in the mirror during her
ablutions, recalling her dreams and nightmares and her modern mind will scoff at
the unreality of it all, denying the truth. She may even laugh, knowing she cannot
have seen what we have shown her. Her rational mind will choose to forget. You
know what will pass, if this be so. In every instance the soul is lost." Her black
eyes glitter then flash with green fire, like emeralds in the snow under the northern
lights. All eyes, all attention is upon her. She knows her beauty, her haughty
inhuman grace. She draws it around her like armor.
Tiffany bores on inexorably, "But that is only a small fear, for her, for our
efforts. We are but servants and she well deserving of her fate. We have failed
before. But a worse fear I have. If she be morally bankrupt, only caring when
threatened with personal loss? As she might if her worldly fortunes were put
amiss. Does she care for others' souls? Or does she see their worth and value only
through selfish eyes? My greatest fear is that her worth may not suffice. What then
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will become of those whose lives hinge upon her and her actions?"
Seohyun withdraws into the dark of her raiment, her hood shadowing her
features. There is a remoteness, as distant as a mountain peak, in her voice. "I see
as you have, but I feel differently. I see in her a nobility where there is naught of
noble and rank. I see a hero of myth and heart. Would that there were more people,
as true to their beliefs."
"Beliefs?" the word is spat. "What belief did she possess? This miser. This
soulless idiot who slaves as if a working an oar in a galley, a lash at her back."
"That work is the great equalizer. People have grown lazy. Taking their ease.
Can you say she is lazy?"
"... She is not. I will give you that. But what she works for-- "
"-- Is her belief. Misguided, but it is there."
"And this gives you hope?"
"If she be redirected, to true her aim, might not her life's flight inspire rather
than curse? I merely speak this hope. If I do not, will you have heard it? I do not
know if it is bitterness or true concern you voice, but mayhap you merely play at
conciliation."
The last is still echoing when Tiffany registers the insult. Called false? A
reaper has called her false? Tiffany snarls and snatches her spear from the air,
silver worked ash, pale and perilous. Dark leaps from Seohyun in answer, growing
dense and weighty, grim portents as she prepares her own weapons.
"Hold!" The shout is irrefutably mighty, causing all who hear it to flinch.
And all of them hear, to the furthest gallery.
Tiffany and Seohyun give each other a promising look and then smooth their
faces, banishing their weapons.
Sunny winces. Fractious though they might be, as full tempered as Tiffany
could be, Sunny doubts it would have come to blows. Probably. Maybe. But as the
human saying goes, the fat is in the fire now.
Hyoyeon is arrived.
Majestic potency causes reality to shiver, to bend away from the being. She
chooses this time to appear a small simple blonde girl, her face subtly aglow.
Sunny frowns. Is it to tweak the other two? Possibly. Sunny has long ago given up
the thought to second guess the newly arrived being. She has seen that Hyoyeon's
actions at time of commitment will often seem purposeless, yet will out her true
intentions in moments or ages to come. Sunny composes her features and awaits.
Hyoyeon's dress of white samite would be blinding if she let the merest
fraction of her true self show. Instead she is less imposing than even Sunny with
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her golden cloak over slips of transparent aureate mist.

Hyoyeon draws near in a blink, moving between moments with her eyes of
storm, in her hand is an olive branch, in her hair a crown of laurel leaves. But
ominously her usual smile is missing.
Tiffany is her favorite, yet at this moment... not. Seohyun bows her head
when the girl in white stops in front of her and moves the black hood back. "You
are much too pretty to be hiding your features all the time, Seohyun."
The dark girl is silent at the praise. Hyoyeon is not her patron and her words
should mean nothing. Yet a part of Seohyun is pleased and the rest of her wonders
at the feeling. It should not be there.
Hyoyeon turns to Sunny who dimples at her, dropping a hint of a curtsy.
"Can it, short stuff. I expect better of you. You are to keep this one's temper
in check, yes?"
Sunny pouts. "A mild disagreement between friends. High spirits. The
holidays?"
Finally Hyoyeon turns to Tiffany and her expression is tragedy. "My queen.
Surely you were not thinking of breaking my peace." The way she says it means
Tiffany was thinking exactly that.
Tiffany's stark beauty shutters for a flickering moment, but then firms again.
"I merely sought to answer the insult given."
"Words can do no harm to those who do not hear them. Wisdom can be
found in listening to everything but only hearing what one should."
Tiffany flushes, but her face grows ever more vulpine, her teeth thinning as
she resists the rebuke. "She accuses me of falsity. On my honor, my honor will not
stand for it."
"Would you duel her? As men once did? Seeking blood as payment for
doubt? You are a queen. Do you forget? You led your people for long and long, as
the world closed in around them. You are forgotten elsewhere, but have you
forgotten?"
Green fire flashes in features inhuman, blood red lips tighten. And then the
next instant she is the girl once more, in her playful holiday clothing. Santa's elf.
Tiffany bows her head. "Forgive me. I forgot my place."
Hyoyeon tsks, a sound like thunder cracking. "Neither do I wish this
mockery."
Tiffany stands firm this time. "This is how elves are remembered. I wear it
as a jape, for the season." As a penance. Should not my people be remembered by
their queen?
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Seohyun steps forward, between Hyoyeon and Tiffany. "I apologize. The
fault is mine. There is no excuse for my actions. I will accept any punishment you
decide in her place."
Hyoyeon looks up at the shadow, at the girl wreathed in that shadow. In all
these galleries, in this realm, Seohyun is singular, an anomaly. A stranger. "You are
not mine to punish, dear. You did not bargain with me. You are Yuri's emissary and
I thank you for your care in your duties, your care for these souls."
Seohyun is stiff. Thanks is as unneeded, as unlooked for as praise. She
knows of her difference, the unease with which others look upon her. These are her
enemies, from times gone by.
"Care? She is cold." Tiffany says it with a merely human voice, husky now.
Petulant.
"She is Death's hand. How else could she be? Though looking now, I sense a
difference. Has your time here changed you, Seohyun?"
A frown on that normally serene face, as if Hyoyeon has read her innermost
thoughts. "I merely seek to be useful."
"You were born a reaper, yet you seek to give meaning to the living. I could
scarcely credit my ears when I first heard you speak the request."
Seohyun talks slowly, as if discovering anew her rationale. Uncomfortable
thoughts. Some would think them unnatural for one of her ilk. "It was wearing...
my duties, my existence before. Pain and suffering, the screams of the wicked, are
the intended recompense. But it is a sustenance I found become... bitter."
Sunny gasps. This... this is unheard of. As well the sun dawn and refuse to
shine. A reaper with a conscience?
Hyoyeon smiles gently and reaches a hand to Seohyun's shoulder. "Growth
and change are the only constants. You are becoming more."
All around them, dark sibilance and gloom pervade as the sound of untold
multitudes are almost heard, eons of suffering multiplied and condensed into a
new presence. This presence is edged with certain anger, absolute conviction.
Possessiveness. A dark herald bellows stentoriously, from some incredible
distance. 'She is come! She is come!'
No name is uttered. No name needs to be.
And then she is here.
Yuri.
Sunny shivers. This... is not good. Not good at all. When has the dark ever
come to these halls?
Hyoyeon turns and smiles, her hands open, as if offering an embrace. This
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when everyone else is shifting back nervously. "Yuri. To what do I owe the
pleasure?"
If Seohyun is clad in midnight and sable, Yuri is a void, her presence
swallowing the light that falls upon her, a dark that is growing hungrier. What
escapes is her voice, harsh and resonant, chilling all who hear it. "You will forgive
my intrusion, I trust."
Hyoyeon is smiling now. "You do us a great favor. Long has it been."
"Be assured I do not wish to sully this revered gathering of prattling fools
any longer than needed."
Hyoyeon's smile is amused, piquant, her tone jaunty. "Ah. But haste would
be unseemly."
"What need have I for courtly manners?"
"Death needs no herald, but I would wish you to take your leisure here. All
are welcome."
"And yet I find this air too rare a thing for my taste. I would return to mine
demesne having fetched an errant disciple. Seohyun, your time here is done."
Seohyun has grown paler in her raiment, but she stands firm under a glare
like unto a million singularities in its strength. She nods her head. "It was not my
intention to offend you."
Yuri includes Hyoyeon in her regard when she speaks, "But you do. Your
time here, what it has done to you, is an affront to me."
There is an indrawn breath and pregnant silence as the galleries await the
response from their master. A frown appears momentarily on Hyoyeon's face, but
it is followed by serenity and the galleries exhale. "You speak of her duties."
"I speak of her change. She was to be mine emissary to you. Not a spirit sent
to reform ne'er-do-wells." Tiffany growls and Sunny ducks further into her cloak
as Death looks upon them, with disdain. "You seem to have plenty of useful and
willing servants. Why would you offer one of mine a place in thine... charity."
Hyoyeon chuckles. "You think I have tried a subterfuge, a sabotage, turning
one of yours to a different direction."
"She is a reaper. A taker of souls. Not one to give visions... corrections. She
has been ill-used. I am offended and I will have her back."
Hyoyeon's voice is neither excited nor any louder, but her words are
implacable. "I required of you an emissary, so that we could converse more freely.
In this, Seohyun has been a true servant. But I felt she had more to offer. She is
exceptional in many ways."
"You have tried to change her."
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"The change was happening. I simply gave her a chance to show it."
An ebon hand reaches for the reaper imperiously, to take her, but Hyoyeon
gestures, stopping Death in her wish. "You will not touch her, unless she is willing
to go."
Existence darkens, the air becoming difficult to breath. "A soul was released,
a gesture on my part of good will. I will have a soul back. Now." Reality shakes
with portents of absolute power in the words.
Sunny finds she is shaking almost uncontrollably. Oh, to be anywhere else at
this moment. Not between the light and dark as they vie over a soul. Worlds have
ended for less.
The elf strides forward, dropping all pretense of humanity. She becomes an
impossibly tall and beautiful creature, her skin pure white, her lips a crushing red.
A long dress of ivory spidersilk does little to hide her body, a verticality expressed
in feminine perfection. But it is her green flecked gaze that professes her more
than human nature best. Emeralds cannot compare to her eyes. And they are harder
by far. "You require a soul. I offer myself."
Yuri looks upon her. An elf. The last of her kind. Verily, the last queen of the
elves. "What trickery is this? Your kind were immortal." Beyond my reach.
Hyoyeon's face is severe, but she lets Tiffany continue to speak, even as
Sunny tries to pull the elfess back, away from her words, away from death.
"I am tired. I have fought long and long and been cursed to see torments no
soul should suffer. I wish an end." I wish death.
Seohyun steps in front of her, fingers of midnight grasp the elf's shoulders
and shake her. Gently. "No, Tiffany. I will return from whence I came. My time
here was meant to be fleeting. You will not take my place."
Green eyes look down upon her, eyes which had moments gone been ready
to see her blood. Now they see a reaper smile up at her. Seohyun's first smile for
Tiffany. They have spent much time together, as spirits, but at odds for much of it
with little common ground. Fitting then, here at the end of things, that they should
find something akin to respect.
Tiffany returns the smile, surprising herself that it contains genuine feeling,
and says, "I spoke before, out of anger, pretending it was your slight. But in truth I
am envious of your future, when all I have is my past. Stay awhile in these
hallowed galleries, bathe in the light and learn, become something more than you
were. My time is done." Tiffany moves Seohyun aside and addresses The Dark. "I
mean what I say. Take my soul in exchange."
Yuri moves closer and looks deeper into Tiffany. The elf is ancient, even as
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their kind figured age. She is more lore than flesh, elven magic written into her
bones, expressed and exhaled with every breath. She would have remained beyond
Yuri's reach forever, but she would give up her existence for a mere reaper? Yuri
has feasted on flawed heroes aplenty, but one like this...
"You are an impressive creature. How will you look in black? Shall we see?"
Yuri raises her hand to give her the final gift.
Light suddenly flares, blindingly white, and Tiffany is tossed aside. The
small thing in her golden cloak. She has opened it and become fire. Starfire.
Even Yuri is forced to turn her eyes aside at the brilliance. A voice, high and
piping says, "You will not touch her! Her kind are supposed to be immortal."
Seohyun barely catches Tiffany and helps to steady her, both of them turning
aside their eyes lest they be blinded. Tiffany shouts, "Sunny! Her halls were never
meant to hold someone like you. You are too mighty."
"You pointy-eared idiot! You are the last one. Tiffany, you hold the wisdom
of an age. You can't let it pass into darkness." Sunny moves closer and Yuri has to
throw a hand up, her being adjusting to the wealth of fire too slowly. "I will be
your reaping. Take me into your dark halls. Maybe I will bring a clean fire. A
cleansing light. Is that not preferable?"
Tiffany shakes free of Seohyun's grasp and chanting a rune of power she
lunges for the back of the gold cloak, catching hold and hissing as her hands catch
fire. She shouts her elven magic, and blasts of arctic wind buffet them both, but it
barely dampens the light, the heat. She voice loses itself in a scream before Sunny
can pull back her might. The elf slumps, her hands charred and bubbling. She
starts to fall and Sunny is there, merely glowing as she catches her.
The elf is so light, barely a weight. She looks up and smiles as horrified blue
eyes dim to brown. Tiffany's voice, when she can find it again is a fading whisper
when she says, "Sunny, you are meant to shine. I am a soul in mourning. Which of
us better belongs in the halls of the dead?"
Yuri breathes and dark roars forth, shadows cling to every surface and gloom
fills the galleries, covering the few who haven't already fled. "You assault me. You
would dare."
Sunny turns her head to look over her shoulder. Her eyes are portals to a
raging storm of light. The heart of a blue giant. "You ask for a soul. I merely
showed you mine."
"An Earthly soul would suffice. What need have I for a star in a place with
no sky?"
"Everyone needs a little light."
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"I will take the elf. You, celestial, you shall gutter out in your time, when
your time is done. And then you will be mine."
"I rather think I'd go supernova, and no. You will not take the elf. If you can't
take me, you don't deserve her."
"Enough." Hyoyeon. There is rich rebuke and dusty dry displeasure in the
single word.
Yuri's black fire continues to grow and her mouth is open in an answering
snarl.
"Yuri!" The shout cracks the floor, shifts walls, causing everyone to jump.
The named hisses and her shadows abate, withdrawing. Slowly.
Hyoyeon smiles after a moment, though it doesn't reach her eyes. "It seems
that my three spirits have grown attached to each other."
"Your servants are ill mannered."
"But they mean well."
"I will take what is owed to my realm."
Sunny growls.
Hyoyeon sighs and with some asperity she snaps, "Sunny! That is enough.
Attend to Tiffany. Yuri, let us adjourn to some place a bit quieter. Perhaps we can
come to some sort of agreement."
Hyoyeon and Yuri vanish with a silent clap, leaving the gallery silent and
gasping.
Seohyun kneels, taking Tiffany's weight on her lap. She knows no healing. A
reaper simply reaps. But Sunny's grim smile eases her distress. Soft silver light
pours from the star's palm and elven flesh becomes whole under it, dead skin
flaking away, taking with it the char and pain.
Tiffany's eyes are open to the wonder. "I would have added the name
Silverhand to you."
"I'm not fond of alliteration. Mark my words, elf, I will not have the memory
of you. I will have you in my company until my time is ended. And then you can
remember me."
"Are you serious?"
Sunny starts, blinking at the question. "Oh. This silly language. I thought
you were asking if I was Sirius. The Dog Star is a cousin." Seeing Tiffany's
confused frown Sunny sighs. "Never mind. Yes. I am serious."
"You are both insane. I would merely be returning to-- "
The elf reaches her newly healed hands up and touches Seohyun's cold face.
"Only if you wish it. You will not be taken against your will. Not while I draw
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breath."
Seohyun feels the heat in those palms and she shivers. All her life has been
cold. She looks at the elf taking her ease on her lap, at Sunny next to her, sitting
with her legs wrapped by her arms. These beings of power. These people. "I
cannot refuse Death. I am her servant."
Tiffany nods her head. "Aye, you are her emissary. But you are also The
Spirit of the Future. You share our work. You are our friend, our sister. You are
many things, and becoming more. To cut short your time would be a wrong I will
not let pass."
"Nor I." And blue fire flickers in those eyes.
"What was it?"
"What?" Seohyun looks down at the question.
"What is it about that foolish woman, Taeyeon? What about her speaks to
you?"
"I saw hope, where she had none. Only an appointment with death. But
through the others in her life, she was gifted hope. I have only ever known death.
It did speak to me. And you, elf. Let me ask, what of her hope could you not see
for yourself?"
"There you have it. She has hope. I have none. Memories are effortless for
elven kind, bearing no weight, we can live in the halls of our minds, sharing them.
But I exist alone in silent halls. My memories are... crushing. I can only bear my
existence when I do not remember. My people are gone and all that remains to me
is a past I dare not visit. My past is a curse, my future is my past. And that is
something I would run from."
Sunny watches as Seohyun nods slowly, as the thoughts work. To be alone is
the nature of death. Her existence in the dark realm was just so. But no longer.
Now Seohyun is a part of something larger than herself, sharing in a work of hope.
That is truth. But if that is truth, then the opposite is true for the elf. Tiffany has
lost all she held dear and it is a bleeding wound, still. Immortal, but so then is her
pain.
Sunny sees a mist of black tears form in the reaper's eyes and she wonders
again that she should find understanding in this one. She looks around as beings
begin to filter back into the muted galleries, alabaster and mist shining softly. That
she should find understanding of universal truths, here, of all places. Homed in
this little speck of rock. Her own nature is to fly free, thinking thoughts that take
millennia to form. The lives of these women, and all she has seen are merely
blinks on the cosmic scale. And yet, that silly woman in her New York office... she
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has given them the hope of something better, if only vicariously.

Taeyeon would wake from her night of nightmares changed. Sunny was sure
of it. With the ephemeral knowledge given her, she could change the fates of those
in her life, and that immediate deed done, start something deeper. A deeper change,
setting the scale of her fears against the worth of lives bettered.
A most heady thought, to change one's fate.
If only people were wise enough to do this for themselves. Too many
remained mired, self destructive, taking the worth of their souls as worthless. What
irony. What bitter irony.
With a clap, a silent roar, the greater powers return and the crowds shudder
at they perceive rancor in their midst. Whatever the agreement, stark contention
has made it perilous.
Tiffany rises, as graceful as the light while Seohyun is slower to stand, ready
to accept her fate. Hyoyeon will not let her favorite soul leave. Seohyun knows
this. And Sunny would be ill-suited to the dark. Her very nature would not let the
dark halls remain dark, nor would Sunny accept the yoke of a forbidding easily.
No. Seohyun knows Yuri will not suffer Sunny's presence there.
Sunny stays where she is as she feels Hyoyeon bind her greater powers to
stillness. Fine. Be that way. Yet Sunny worries. A sense of foreboding rising.
Could it be this day that she will lose one of her sisters? One of the three might
die, for only the dead are welcome in the dark halls.
Hyoyeon looks to her Spirits, gentle amusement plain. Nothing can be
discerned from that, Sunny reflects, lips twisting, Hyoyeon is always in good
cheer but what was the cost of that good cheer? Nominally a smile cost nothing
but Death could not be plied with a smile. No. There would be a cost. Something
dear, something painful. So how could Hyoyeon be smiling? How very infuriating.
How very... Hyoyeon.
Irreverent star.
Yes?
Hyoyeon stills her features as she speaks. Serious matters. "Yuri and I have
come to an agreement. Seohyun is dear to me. She came to these halls a taker of
life, but she has seen much, learned much and now is one of us. She has performed
many deeds in good faith, learning about hope, about choice and how lives can be
bettered. And yet, her mistress calls her home, as is her right.
"Yuri and I have talked about the debt owed to her. A single soul as
recompense if Seohyun remains in mine halls. Seohyun has agreed to leave with
her mistress. Tiffany has offered to become the debtor and repay with her life
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instead. Sunny has offered to reduce the dark halls to cinders and ash. None of
these choices suit me. I offered Yuri, instead, a wager."
Murmurs, shouts. The three spirits blink. A wager with the dark one? And
yet, it is Hyoyeon. Still, unease sits on them.
"It would not be much of a wager, if it did not involve those who will suffer
the outcome. So. The last soul the spirits did visit, a soul in peril of being blinded
by her fears; Taeyeon Kim, resident of New York City. You have seen. On her
choices will the lives of many others be turned, for better or worse. Taeyeon has
seen visions of what is to come should she fail to act, and she will awake soon.
"Our wager. If Taeyeon succeeds in choosing a new path, the one soul owed
is forfeit and Seohyun becomes my servant in truth and not just deed. However,
should Taeyeon fail to change, Yuri will take her choice of one of my spirits with
her to the dark halls, her soul never to return. Lost forever."
Murmurs now. Not an impossibility. The odds are better than even. There is
some small relief among the returning throngs and among the three spirits. Sunny
and Seohyun believe in Taeyeon, Tiffany is not so sure. How to weigh a soul
before it acts?
Yuri's dark rasp breaks through the sounds. "That is not entirely the complete
wager."
Sunny scowls. She knew it. She knew it!
Hyoyeon frowns briefly. "Ah yes. There is one condition. Taeyeon will not
have her memories of the night, her dreams will go missing. I have allowed Yuri to
take them. Instead, she will awake, not remembering the lives she has seen, the
pain, the suffering, the hope and healing. This then, is the complete wager."
Uproar, protests, chants of 'Unfair, unfair!' fill the galleries.
Seohyun is horrified and Sunny groans. Doomed. Tiffany will be lost. She
has seen the avarice in Yuri's eyes. The last queen of the elves will die. Why? Why
would Hyoyeon make such a pact? What faith could they have in that dimwitted
human soul who will have no guidance? Taeyeon's future has already been seen,
and it is beyond bleak.
Tiffany bows her head and only Seohyun hears her whisper, "Weep not. An
end is in sight, at last. At last."

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8. Morning: Walk

aeyeon heard herself groaning as she woke up in the pre-dawn. Her eyes
creaked open. It was five AM and... she was... sore? She turned the
lamp on, groaning again, her arm feeling rusted, her shoulder ancient,
her back like fractured ice. She squinted against the light, her eyes told
her they hurt. Puffy. Swollen.
Was she sick? Had she caught a cold? The flu? She'd gotten the flu shot, the
same as every year. But this felt worse than a cold. Her lungs... seemed okay. No
cough. But her body ached. Like she'd been put through the wringer.
A hot shower. A hot shower would be nice. Taeyeon wasn't one for luxuries.
Luxuries were by definition superfluous and wasteful and that wasn't who she was,
was it? No, it wasn't. But she was sore, and an extra five minutes under a stinging
hot blast would feel good and hopefully clear up this... whatever it was.
Taeyeon already had her day planned out, since it was effectively the same
plan as every other day. Wake, shower, eat, brush teeth, walk to work, work, eat,
work, go home. Sometimes she would break the monotony and make use of the
company's gym membership. Soo had convinced her it would improve employee
efficiency. If it had, she couldn't tell by the numbers. Gold's Gym. It was just down
the corner.
Taeyeon found her body disappointing. It served well enough, and her
features were alright, her skin at least was okay, though she was getting fine
wrinkles here and there. Cosmetics might help some, but they were utterly
wasteful and ridiculously expensive. Fashion and trying to be something she
wasn't wasn't the issue. Never had been. But what was disappointing was the pain
her body gave her for trying to be somewhat active. Evidently she needed to do so
with regularity approaching religious fervor, and who had the time for that? Still,
she made an effort to be fit, but the infrequency with which she exercised made
itself known to her the next day with the unpleasant presence of screaming joints
and shrieking muscles.
Kinda of like she was feeling. But never this bad.
Taeyeon moved and groaned again. Every muscle. Her fingers.
Flu?
Damn it. She didn't have time for this. Not with the Henderson presentation
on Monday. And all those idiots off tomorrow. Christmas. She actually liked the
day because it was the one day when no one bothered her with stupid questions.
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But she was only one person and the rest of her company would be taking their
leisure at home and important work wouldn't be getting done.
Taeyeon sighed. She shoved her covers aside and gave another groan. Damn
it. There was some tenderness in her throat, as if from overuse. Her hands, not just
the fingers. Her palms hurt. What the hell?
Could the flu make palms hurt? Was she getting arthritic? That would be
disappointing.
She remembered being sick as a child, wanting just to be left alone. Her
mother would touch her forehead with calloused hands. Hands that didn't know
how to be gentle. Hands made rough from the physical labor of mopping and
sweeping every day for ten or twelve hours. Hands that could feel the fever but
with no money left to buy medicine, just cheap liquor or cigarettes.
Shaking from chills, huddling under her covers while her mother slept the
sleep of the hungover, her stepfather cursing as he rattled dishes in the kitchen,
complaining that he had to cook for himself and what use were damned women?
Ugly memories. Being too poor to do anything but pay attention in class.
Knowing, hoping that a scholarship would get her out of her life and into
something better.
Columbia University. She'd earned a full ride to Columbia, one of the best in
the nation, with her 4.0 and 2400 and all the odd jobs she'd done for charities and
foundations to get the oh-so-important letters of recommendation. Her guidance
counselor had been thorough.
Apply for this internship, volunteer there, be seen here.
So high school Taeyeon spent hours and days filing and sorting in dusty
basements for trusts and non-profits. What was learned by doing such work?
Taeyeon never figured it out. She'd simply worked the system, making it work for
her, getting tuition and room and board covered.
Had that been a happy day, opening the letter of acceptance with the
scholarship details? Taeyeon couldn't remember. There was no one she wanted to
share the news with. She remembered the smile on the guidance counselor's face.
What had been her name? A nice lady. Asian. Taeyeon remembered skipping the
graduation ceremony where they would have mentioned her scholarship,
especially since she was technically the valedictorian. She'd passed on the honor,
asking the principal to give the speech giving chore to some other schmuck. Like
she cared. Besides, she didn't want any of the students at the stupid school to know
about it. She'd earned the scholarship and she'd use it to better her life, but it was
going to be the last bit of charity she'd ever accept. Not that the student body
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would have had any interest in hearing her muttering a graduation speech. She had
no friends in that hell hole. Even the goth girl at the lunch table at the start of
junior year vanished at some point, unnoticed. Taeyeon remembered keeping her
head down, only suffering a bit of bullying. Well. Cracked ribs. But other than
that, smooth sailing, if sailing meant a steady grind of grim determination and
being looked down upon as a weirdo.
But Columbia was a new start. She wasn't anybody there, but then,
everybody there was nobody to her in turn. That was her thought, her plan. But
then she'd met a tall, pretty girl with long brown hair at student orientation. A very
friendly girl. Sooyoung Choi. Unlike everyone else Taeyeon could remember ever
meeting, the smiling, happy girl wasn't turned off by her silent, decidedly
unfriendly manner. They'd had some of the same classes and Taeyeon found
herself walking with the upbeat, chatty girl more and more often. Somehow Soo
became something of her shadow.
Very mysterious. How did it happen? Thinking back, it made no sense at all.
Taeyeon wasn't exceptional or attractive or funny or friendly. Her smarts, yeah, but
she'd long ago learned to hide as it could invite the wrong kind of attention. She
was going to sit in the back corners, never answer questions, mumble through her
presentations if there were any and just ace every exam, quiz and paper. Just ghost
through her classes, leaving no memory, no impression. That was her plan.
Sooyoung just happened to be a tall monkey wrench in those plans.
Persistent Sooyoung. Asking and asking and asking until Taeyeon couldn't
find an excuse not to accept the offer of the best Reuben sandwich in the city.
Board was three meals a day at the school's cafeterias, a step up from free lunch in
high school, and better yet, no one knew she was eating for free. Densely packed
calories that had been welcome. But after months of eating blandly filling mush, a
Reuben sandwich didn't sound terrible. Slices of corned beef piled high on rye
with Swiss cheese, sauerkraut and Russian dressing, grilled and toasty. It sounded
okay. Nice even.
But...
Sooyoung was a lesbian. She liked girls and was always with a companion
or two, or dating. Taeyeon saw Sooyoung hugging and laughing with this pretty
girl and that gorgeous woman. It wasn't that the lifestyle was bothersome to
Taeyeon.
Sort of.
It was that Taeyeon might as well have been asexual, and Sooyoung being
openly happy with the pursuit of love and dating was somewhat anxiety inducing
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for her. Having something she couldn't have shown to her, frequently? It was a
stress, seeing that others had so much more to their lives than school and work.
For Taeyeon there wasn't time for anything but her busy schedule.
Relationships? A love life? Love? Hah! Cram sessions, study halls, papers, reports,
quizzes, tests, finals. And she needed money. Seed money. So she worked two part
time jobs and tutored on the side. She invested carefully, shrewdly, making it
grow, oh so slowly. Start up capital for her business, because she wasn't going to
be dependent on anybody. Ever. Again.
But Sooyoung's open smile, always welcoming, constantly introducing her
to new friends, and the tall girl was never shy in making friends. People flocked to
her, her easy graciousness, the way she effortlessly entertained with her witty
banter and self-deprecating humor. Popular. Sooyoung must have coasted through
high school, unlike the hellish existence Taeyeon had led. Soo had to beat the girls
off, and some boys who tended to cluelessness. Somehow Soo managed to do so
with class and grace and wit, leaving no bent feelings. There were so many who
wanted to date her, hang with her, be seen with her. Even with so much demand
for her time, Soo always, always had time for Taeyeon.
It was a mystery. At first Taeyeon wondered if it was something sexual. But
then, looking in the mirror, and looking at all the sexy things who were throwing
themselves at Soo, nah, couldn't be that. Pity? Soo loved to help others. But no. It
wasn't that Taeyeon was a hopeless nerd in need of socializing. She chose to
remain aloof. In fact, Taeyeon was in her element at Columbia. She did well, very
well, always at the top of her class, tutoring idiots who would otherwise spend
their parents' money on beer and more beer.
Ugh. Beer. Taeyeon hated, no, loathed the smell of beer and cigarettes. To
her they smelled like lazy would smell, if lazy had a smell.
But Soo wasnt trying to cozy up to her for academic help either. She did
decently well in her classes, charming the professors and TAs, adroitly turning
aside other interest in her. Soo was sexy. Even Taeyeon could see it.
So why was Soo so persistent in engaging her? For a bite, a study session,
just to hang out, whatever. The invitation was always open to Taeyeon.
"A Reuben? Uh. Okay. I guess."
They took a taxi to Carnegie Deli and waited in line. Taeyeon's first time in a
restaurant. The chaos of the place was bewildering, but gradually she made sense
of it while standing in line, unconsciously tucking against Sooyoung to keep from
being bumped by overfed New Yorkers and tourists.
Through the plate glass window Taeyeon saw waitresses moving from table
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to table, the countermen slicing and grilling, yelling hellos at their regulars, and
the customers followed the same dance, ordering, eating, paying, talking. She was
nervous, but Sooyoung had her easy smile, her commanding presence.
Soo ordered. One Reuben. One order of fries.
"That's it?"
"Just wait and see."
The sandwich was massive! Enough to feed four people. Four normal
people. Soo did most of the work, keeping up the conversation while chewing and
making it look easy. And they talked. And talked. Talking to Soo about her plans
seemed natural, when she'd never done so with anyone. Ever.
A start up advertising agency. She'd hire cheap talent and start small. Web
sites, print, maybe moving up one day to video, magazines, TV. New York was
always bubbling with start ups thinking to make it big, but crashing when the
money ran out after a year or two. That was because start ups never had discipline
or direction, just the romantic notion that their idea was great and people would
love them and it was going to be easy money.
There was no such thing as easy money. It wasn't play. It was work.
Sooyoung nodded, and Taeyeon found herself smiling. Smiling. Her face
hurt later that night, in her dorm, unused muscles aching at the strange exercise.
But it had been... nice. Sharing her dream. The Reuben had been to die for. Soo
with her mouth full... still pretty as she chewed. How did a human do that? No
wonder there were people always calling her, calling her name as she walked next
to Taeyeon on the way to class, or chatting her up as she waited with two coffees
in front of Taeyeon's dorm in the autumn chill.
Taeyeon never asked Soo, 'Why me?' She should have. Was she nervous
about jinxing it? Like Soo would realize that Taeyeon had nothing to offer? Or was
it that the thought never occurred to her at the time? It just happened. Soo
appearing in her life, bringing a connection. When was it? The moment when
Taeyeon walked out of her dorm and expected to see the smiling woman or turning
the corner at the student union and expected to hear Soo yell a hello? Whenever it
was, it was a happy moment. An easy moment. No pressure, just a companion,
someone so easy to walk with, talk with, wait with. Whenever she wanted
someone. Sooyoung became... a friend. Her only friend.
And I'm going to take the company away from her. Taeyeon shivered,
suddenly chilled. It needed to be done... but not seeing Soo? Taeyeon felt a frown
at the thought, her first of the day. Those muscles were well exercised. Soo wasn't
cut out for business. She lived to help others. A people person of the first order.
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The advertising world was cutthroat and a person had to be cold to succeed in it.
Soo would understand. Wouldn't she?
But not seeing Soo's smile? The woman was always smiling. Great big
cheek bones and big round eyes and her too skinny body that was impossibly
elegant and model perfect and... and... damn it... sexy. She was. Soo was someone
a lot of people found sexy. And fun. And nice.
None of which Taeyeon knew people thought about her. Ever. Not fun. Not
nice. Certainly not sexy. Taeyeon was dour. Dow Er. Dooooow. Errrrr. What an
ugly word. But it fit. Humorless. Cold. Efficient.
Ugh. Taeyeon blinked. Why was she still in bed? Thinking about a
ridiculously expensive sandwich ordered and eaten years ago? Thinking about her
partner. Why was Soo on her brain? Taeyeon could go days without thinking about
her, except in annoyance at whichever charity project Soo was attending instead of
sitting at her desk, directing her creative staff.
Though Soo did get her work done, somehow. And well.
But if Soo would spend all that friendly energy more efficiently, the
company would do even better!
Taeyeon looked at her clock. Ten minutes past five.
With a final groan Taeyeon sat up and swung her legs off the bed to sit up on
the edge. That was what her body let her do, then it left her there, drooping. As if it
was strangely reluctant to carry on with day. Had to be the flu.
Normally she moved with machine-like efficiency, automatically proceeding
down the morning routine. But not today. Today she slumped and stared at her lap.
Her pajama clad lap. Pajamas. Flannel, warm, but suddenly not pleasant, even in
the chill of her bedroom. Taeyeon suddenly couldn't wait to get out of her clothes.
She stood up, ignoring the little scream inducing pains of a sore body and stripped
the pajamas off, then bundled them up, throwing them in the laundry hamper.
Taeyeon was brushing her hands as if they'd been dirty when she paused.
She turned back and picked her pajamas out of the hamper. She'd owned these for
a couple years. She had another set, purchased at the same time, on sale of course,
and she pulled those out of her dresser as well. Looking at them under the
fluorescent light. One set still warm from her body and blanket, the other folded
neatly. A pink set. A blue set. Taeyeon touched them and shivered, goosebumps
raising all over her short self. From standing in her panties in her cold bedroom,
with the flu? Possibly. But no. It was from touching the pajamas. She didn't want
these anymore. She found them intensely repellent for some strange reason.
She tossed them in the wastebasket next to her nightstand. She'd buy a new
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set... after Christmas. There would be a lot on sale. She'd just sleep in a t-shirt or
something until then. No more flannel pajamas. Though why it was important...
eluded her.
Taeyeon touched her forehead as she walked to her bathroom. Fever? Didn't
feel like it. But she was sore. And seemingly made of goosebumps.
Standing on the cold white tile of the bathroom, looking in the mirror at
herself, Taeyeon thought she looked like hell. As if she hadn't slept at all. It was
going to be a long, bleary day.
Turn the shower on, get naked. Wait, growing more goosebumps. Oh. Pee.
Her mouth felt dry, ill used. Wash hands. Floss. Load toothbrush. Jump in shower.
Scald self. Damn! Turn heat of shower down to bearable with only slight first
degree burns. Brush teeth. And. Think. What was going on with her?
Sinuses were okay. Had she eaten any nuts? She had a nut allergy. Brush
tongue. Nuts wanted to kill her so she wasn't fond of them for it. Spit toothpaste.
Rinse brush. Rinse mouth. Her mouth and tongue didn't feel puffy. Not allergies.
Oh this shower felt nice.
She lathered up, shampooing her short hair. It wasn't quite shoulder length,
and it mostly stayed out of her face, which was all she needed of it. Hot water
peppered her with great force and she lifted her face to the spray. NYC tap water.
Why people drank bottled water was a mystery to her. The city got its water from
the Catskill and Croton watersheds upstate, and it tasted better than most bottled
waters. And the water wasn't heavily chlorinated, or mineral heavy, so it left a
body feeling clean.
And right now... right now, for some reason, Taeyeon felt like never getting
out of her shower. The heat soaked into her, and the water... felt like it was
washing away dirt from her soul.
Taeyeon opened her eyes, blinking as the water stung them. She turned
around and looked down at her toes instead.
Her soul? Soul? If souls even existed. She'd never been religious and she'd
certainly never thought about her own soul.
She existed. That was pretty much what could be said of her life. Existence.
Eating, working, sleeping. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat with the shampoo.
Conditioner. Load loofah with body wash and scrub. It was okay if people didn't
like her. She didn't like them much either. To be left alone in pursuit of her security
was all she wanted of the world. And longer arms. Getting all of her back with the
loofah and sore shoulders was a challenge.
Life's challenges. Her life was... empty. Free of connections. Her mother
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dead... a year ago. Today in fact. Huh. Funny, to have just realized it. Her life was
free of anniversaries. A year ago today. The knowledge was there, but it was
lacking any thought of grief. Taeyeon picked at it. Was she broken to feel nothing?
The death notification had come later, but it merely confirmed the truth. Taeyeon
was alone in the world.
She had a comfortable amount of money. She could get a nicer place, she
could even move out to the countryside, Long Island, where Soo lived, or even
Jersey. But traffic wasn't nice. And driving? No thanks. This apartment was close
to the company. The rent was dead cheap, subletting a rent controlled apartment
she'd been lucky to find. Even if it was dingy and old and the elevator was broken
more often than it worked. And the power wasn't that reliable, but she didn't own a
TV or radio or even a computer. She had what she needed at the office. This was a
place to keep her clothes and food. And a bed. And her gun. And her sofa. Where
she would sit and stare at the wall after an especially long day and-God, Taeyeon, what the hell are you doing? Why are you daydreaming in the
shower, thinking about life? What is wrong with you?
"I don't know." Her voice sounded raspy amid the falling water. Something...
is wrong. I miss... I'm missing something.
"What?"
Missing something. The thought echoed through her mind, the shower, her
life.
Taeyeon shook her head. Had to be the flu making her head feel tight. Or
loose. Her brain rattling around. She was going to be late. Not that anyone was
going to be at the office for hours. The few who would even come in on Christmas
Eve. Mainly the people on the Henderson project. Jung would be there. That
mousy woman.
The scene played back in her mind unbidden.
A blonde head peeked around, straight hair, pale face. The woman looked
sickly, wan, tired, her clothing frumpy and forgettable.
Taeyeon frowned. So why was she remembering her?
Jung would be in, she'd get the files and layout to the printers and... and...
that was all there was to it.
What was Soo doing today?
Maybe... we could go out for a sandwich. For the holiday!
Soo liked Christmas. The giving spirit, the neighborliness of it all. Not that
Taeyeon would go out to Long Island tomorrow for Christmas dinner. That would
be too weird. Seeing Soo's girlfriend. Taeyeon remembered Soo's face, her voice.
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"I've got a new girlfriend I want to introduce you to. Yoona's different. I'm
thinking of settling down."
Settling down. With someone named Yoona. Of course Soo should. She
should retire and go do charitable things like she loved to do. And they'd get
together every year and Taeyeon would show her how her money in the company
was doing.
And life would go on. A day at a time. One empty day at a time.
Suddenly, going into the office felt like the last thing Taeyeon wanted to do.
She'd rather see the big goofy idiot with her big goofy grin, stuffing her face and
laughing and somehow not spitting her food out but looking perfectly graceful
while doing something egregiously unmannerly and making it seem as if it should
be the new trend for high society.
That was Soo.
Kick Soo out of the company? No. Not unless Soo wanted to leave. Soo
could go do whatever she wanted. The company was half hers and Taeyeon would
look out for it for her and Soo could work or run a charity or anything. It should be
Soo's choice. Simple. See? But it would be nice if Soo stuck around in Taeyeon's
life.
I... need Soo. She's my only friend. And that's not the flu talking. She's... she
likes me. Me. No one likes me. I'm not likable. I've tried to make myself unlikable.
And I'm pretty good at it. I'm really good at it. I'm a stinker. But Soo is so
stubborn. She's my white knight, wielding a smile and a Reuben.
There. I've scrapped my plan for the company takeover. And Taeyeon felt... a
little better. She nodded to herself. A person should have faith in the people who
have faith in her. Turnabout and all that. Loyalty. Soo was loyal. No friend could
be more loyal.
Taeyeon rinsed the last of the body wash off, shutting off the shower,
hanging the loofah and wringing her hair out. Not a lot of hair. Not thick like
Soo's. Fine. Like Jung's. But she didn't color hers like Jung did. It was a bit odd of
Jung, to be vain enough to color her hair, but not dress any better. Jung never wore
anything remotely fashionable. At least she hadn't the few times Taeyeon could
remember seeing her.
Taeyeon put a towel around her head, another around her body and stepped
out into the misty bathroom with her toothbrush in hand. She paused, blinking in
the opaque mist.
Misty.
Misty.
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Black mist?
No. It's fog from the shower. White fog. Turn the fan on, idiot.
Of course.
She dried her hair, looking at the bags under her eyes. Jung had bags. Jung
looked tired and worn. And sick. She was spending an awful lot on healthcare.
And come Monday, Taeyeon was going to fire her.
A sick person. The day after Christmas. Fired. Without her job. Three years
in the company. She'd come up with the peas in the pod. Hasbro wanted to license
the stupid peas, make a stuffed toy out of them. Like that would sell. People
wanted teddy bears, not peas! But it was Hasbro. One would think they knew toys.
Right? Peas. Why not green beans? Why not rutabagas? Cumquats? Peas. Not her
favorite veg. But whatever. If that happened, the company would make a nice
chunk of change. Not that Jung was going to see any of it. Well. Maybe a little
bonus.
Bonus?
Bonus? You were going to fire her a minute ago, and now you're thinking
about giving her a bonus? Kim Taeyeon, what did you drink last night?
But. Jung's a hard worker. She works when she's sick, doesn't she? Is it a
crime for wanting to take a holiday off? Maybe she has family in town.
I don't know you anymore.
Yeah... Me either.
Taeyeon's frown was becoming more of a scowl. Wrinkles, Taeyeon. But the
scowl fit the weirdness.
Dressed only in a towel and a scowl she marched out of her bathroom. Her
body still twinged. Especially her knees. So weird. What kind of flu was this?
She dressed quickly and emptied the wastebasket with the offending
pajamas. A part of her quirked an eyebrow in her mind. Why was she throwing
away perfectly good clothing again? But her hands weren't listening. They tossed
the bag in with the larger kitchen bag and after arming the alarm system she threw
the garbage into the disposal chute down the hallway.
It was still dark when she left her building and she trudged along the cold
sidewalk, thinking furiously.
What was different? Something was different. She was different. As if she'd
woken to something. Or something was waking in her?
What?
A conscience?
Hah. She had a conscience. She'd just mastered the art of
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compartmentalization, wherein she could ignore said conscience, because it wasn't

something she needed in day-to-day life. It got in the way. Like a box of files in
the middle of her office would have. Wasn't it better to stow it away until she
needed it? Say in the file closet. Or in Miriam's office. Because really, a
conscience was more annoying than a tall woman marching into her life saying,
'Let's have a Reuben!' Her tummy growled. Damn it! She'd forgotten to eat
breakfast, too out of sorts with the world to remember.
A Reuben would be really good.
For breakfast?
Damn skippy it would! It's food, isn't it?
What time did Carnegie Deli even open? Well, it was a deli. They would
serve breakfast there, right? But Sooyoung would be eating breakfast with her
girlfriend.
Having one friend in the world had its limitations.
Wouldn't do to call her friend and ask her to come out for breakfast, would
it? Soo would think she'd gone soft in the head.
Because... maybe she had. Gone soft. In the noggin.
Taeyeon blinked. So many random thoughts, just bouncing around in her
skull. Soo and her charities. It was too much, but Soo helped people. It would be
nice to do something charitable. But busy people couldn't run around all day like
Soo did. Maybe something small. Quick. Where she wouldn't have to talk to bums
and drunks. Like. Maybe she should donate... clothes? Instead of throwing them
away. Or money? Blood? Hmm. Blood. Blood was free to give.
Donate? Blood? What? You hate needles!
But. But. Christmas was about doing something good. Anything. Then
maybe her conscience would go dormant again. Because not feeling was better
than not feeling good about herself.
Go to the office, sit at your desk, open your files and do some work. Your
conscience will go back to sleep, eventually.
There was that. And Soo wouldn't come into the city. She liked her
weekends, devoting them to running around homeless shelters and clinics and
whatever else. You'd think she was forever grateful for a second chance or
something. But Soo was the popular one, blessed with an easy life. Soo was one of
those people who everyone loved. Soo was impossible not to...
Not to?
Not.
To?
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Love?
Taeyeon stopped walking. She just stood under the streetlights and looked up
into the inky sky. Dawn was an hour away and the night still seemed so deep. And
lonely.
Was she going crazy?
Everything. Everything felt weird. Off. Different. And the sense of
wrongness seemed to grow with her every step. Wrong. The day was wrong. Even
her coat. She suddenly hated her perfectly serviceable coat. She felt an urge to go
buy something stylish. Pretty. Feminine. Like something Soo would wear. That
woman was always dressed to the nines. Well, businessy nines, not cocktail
dresses or anything silly, but things with taste... tasty. Like a Reuben.
She could taste the Reuben. The hot, melted Swiss cheese and tangy Russian
dressing, the steaming, marbled corned beef, the crisped, buttered rye crunching,
abrading the inside of her mouth as she chewed. So good. And as if she'd just
taken the first bite, she was listening to Soo talk about her mom and dad.
"Isn't this the best sandwich? God, I love this place. Oh. I've got to go home
after this, but next time, there's this doughnut place not too far from here. So
good."
"Home?"
"My parents retired and moved down to Florida a year ago, left me the
house on Long Island. I go there, make sure it hasn't burned down, get the mail.
Stuff like that."
"Retired."
"Oh, I doubt Dad will take up golf or anything. He loves to work, so he'll
probably end up part timing somewhere. He's an accountant."
"Your mom retired too?"
"Yeah, the school had a big party for her."
"Teacher?"
"Guidance counselor."
"Ah."
"Here, have a fry. They're good. Oh! Hot. Hot. Hot."
Guidance counselor. Her high school guidance counselor. The nameplate on
the little oak holder at the front of her desk swam into focus, suddenly crystal
clear.
Mrs. Choi.
"But, Mrs. Choi, I don't understand how this is going to be worth my time. I
don't get paid, and I'll just be filling out surveys."
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"College admissions boards and scholarship committees look at the breadth

of experience in the applicants. Schools want people who've done more than just
scored well on tests. They want well rounded individuals who'll add to the campus
experience for all their students. The ones who've seen more of the world than just
a classroom."
"But... this job is just make work. A vegetable could do this."
"Yes, dear. But it is experience."
"I don't understand."
"Apply. Now!"
"Y-Yes, ma'am."
Mrs. Choi. Long Island. Guidance counselor.
Perry Jackson High? Sooyoung's... mom?
But.
But.
"Hi. How are you? I'm Sooyoung."
"Uh. Hi."
"Isn't this great? Columbia. Look at my ass. Not much there, right? I worked
it off to get into this place. Hah. Okay, that was a little lame."
"Uh. Funny."
"You're from around here?"
"Yes."
"You don't talk much, do you?"
"No."
"Well, you look like you could use a friend, and I happen to have room, so I
think we're going to be great friends. I'm so excited!"
"Ahh."
Four of the same classes the first semester. Not just the same classes, but the
same rooms. Seeing that smiling face...
"Have a Krispy Kreme. Still warm, eh? Whatcha doin?"
"Applying for work at Price Waterhouse."
"But... What about your idea?"
"What idea?"
"The advertising agency."
"Oh. Yeah."
"You not going to make it happen?"
"I don't have enough money, Soo. Every bit I've saved these last four years,
and it's barely half what I need to get licensed and rent a small office. I'll have to
153

save up some more."

"Well, I've got some money from my grandparents. They're in Korea, but
they're loaded. Construction business."
"You... you want to invest in my company?"
"I was thinking more along the lines of going into business with you. I need
a job. You know how I e
at."
"Business... w-with me? B-But we don't really... I mean, together?"
"Hell, yeah! I think we'd make a great team. Choi and Kim Adverts!"
"No."
"Sooyoung and Partner?"
"No."
"Fine. Kim and Choi."
"I was thinking... Apex."
"Apex Adverts?"
"Advertising."
"I like 'Adverts.' No one ever uses that word anymore."
"Advertising."
"Hard ass."
"Yes."
Taeyeon remembered that day so well. Because for the life of her, she
couldn't understand why Sooyoung would want to be friends, and even more,
partners. Taeyeon had barely acknowledged her, barely accepted her into her life.
And Soo had made it out as if they'd been best buddies forever.
Did Soo... love her? Was it an obsessive crush?
Taeyeon blinked.
Naaah.
No?
What could it be then?
Her mom. Her mom the guidance counselor? Just a coincidence. It had to be.
Soo hadn't gone to her...
Pizza.
Pizza what?
Pizza. Shhh. Shut up.
Pizza?
Shut up!
What about pizza? I thought I wanted a Reuben.
Pizza!
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"You gonna eat that?"

Nod.
A tall, goth, Asian girl. Dark makeup. Short hair. Baggy dark clothing that
couldn't quite hide how thin she was. And her appetite. She devoured her tray. She
ate like Taeyeon did.
Like Soo did.
"Soo? What the hell?"

155

9. Morning: Call

oo awoke to a muted rattle on the nightstand. Huh? Phone? Her personal

phone. Only a handful of people knew the number and anyone calling it
was someone she'd talk to at anytime so it didn't matter if her bleary eyes
wouldn't focus to let her read the ID. She just answered, "Hello?"
"... Soo." A soft mutter.
Not mom. Mom never muttered. Mom also never called her Soo. The surge
of adrenaline that had been building up subsided, though it did make the cobwebs
in her head retreat that much quicker as Soo got her brain into gear. Ever since her
parents had moved south, a call at an unexpected hour would tense her up, worry
about a sudden illness or an accident flashing through her mind. But her parents
were enjoying themselves, meeting new folks every week, socializing and doing
whatever it was that older people did.
But who was it? Soo pulled the phone away from her ear and looked at it,
blinking at the blurry ID. She rubbed her eyes and after a second of squinting she
read, 'Little Monster's Cell.' Taeyeon?
Beside her Yoona mumbled something and threw her leg over Soo's, her
arm, already a light weight on her ribs suddenly tensing and puling them closer
together.
"Taeyeon? Hold on a sec." Soo moved to extricate herself without waking
Yoona. The arm around her middle was firmly insistent, but thankfully Yoona fell
deeper into sleep, relaxing again. Moving as gently as possible, Soo pressed a kiss
onto Yoona's forehead and then moved off the bed, picked up her robe and strode
into the bathroom. Yoona had gotten in late yesterday, and her body thought it was
three hours earlier than it was. Poor girl needed her rest. Sooyoung closed the
bathroom door, without turning on the light. It was only then that she wondered if
something wasn't wrong with Taeyeon. She never called so early. "Okay, what's
up, short stuff?"
Silence.
Soo looked at the phone. Good signal, call in progress, Taeyeon's mobile ID.
Taeyeon's mobile? Not her home or office. Taeyeon rarely used her cell phone,
indeed would never have gotten one if Soo hadn't bought it for her. "Hello? Hello?
Taeyeon? Hellooo?"
"Soo."
"Taeyeon?"
156

"I need to talk to you."

"Sure. Are you alright?"
"Yes. No. No. Not alright."
"What's wrong?"
"Uh... "
"Is this about the Henderson thing? I was going to come in later today."
"What? No."
"Errr. Okay. What then?"
"Can you come out?"
"Out? Out where?"
"To the city."
"Now?"
"Now. Or. Wait. No. I don't know."
"Where are you?"
"On the street. On the way to the office."
"Taeyeon, what's wrong? You sound upset."
"Soo... Everything is very strange right now. Very strange. I woke up and
decided not to... I woke up different. Oh. I woke you up, didn't I? I'm sorry. I'm
sorry, Soo. I didn't mean to wake you."
"Sorry? Taeyeon, you're starting to freak me out."
"Huh?"
"You just apologized."
"I did? I did. Huh."
"You never apologize."
"I know! What's wrong with me? Could I be having a stroke? I think... "
"Taeyeon? Taeyeon! Let me get a coat on. Where can I get you? Are you
going to the hospital?"
"What? No. It's okay. I'm sor-- I shouldn't have called you. I can raise both
arms. That means it's not a stroke. Right? I'm blinking both eyes. Do I sound
weird? I don't sound weird. A little raspy. But that's the flu. I think. I'll be fine. I
just need to sit at my desk, get my head straight."
"You want me to call 9-1-1?"
"9-1-1? No. I mean, I could call 9-1-1. I have a phone. I'm talking to you on
it. But no."
"Oookay. You sure?"
"Yeah. I'm not having a heart attack or anything."
"Still, at least go back to your place, sleep more. I can bring you breakfast."
157

"No. It's just... it was... really nice to hear your voice."

"Taeyeon. Something is wrong."
"Huh?"
"You just said it was nice to hear my voice."
"It was. It is."
"Who are you? What have you done with my partner?"
"Hah. Lame jokes as always. They're even funny, sometimes. I should laugh
more. But it's true. I missed the sound of your voice. Like it's been so long since...
I think I'm going a little crazy."
"You're really starting to worry me."
"It's the flu. My head feels weird. I'm probably congested or something. I'll
see you when you get into the office. We can go out for a sandwich. A Reuben. Or
pizza. You like pizza, don't you?"
"Sal and Carmine's. Of course."
"No. Like... Like s-school pizza."
"I loved school pizza."
"Me too. Soo?"
"Huh?"
And then Soo heard Taeyeon say... but no. She must have misheard. It wasn't
possible. Had she woken up in the twilight zone? Was she dreaming? The call
clicked off before she could react. Taeyeon had hung up. Soo found her mouth
hanging open and closed it. What... was going on? Why the call? Soo shuffled
slowly back to the bed, pinching herself. It hurt. Her knees bumped into the bed
frame and stopped her, but didn't break the mental daze, her thoughts refusing to
process. The sheets rustled and the lamp on Yoona's side flicked on. Soo looked at
her love's sleep tousled head without really seeing her.
What was the thing about pizza? School... pizza? Sooyoung pictured a slice
of it on the tray and her breath caught in a half-gasp as if she were teetering on
some unseen ledge. This was important all of a sudden. Why? Her lunch tray.
Yoona with one eye closed, her hand pressed against the side of her face,
started to yawn, but she stopped as she took in Soo's stillness. The cell phone in
her hand.
"Baby? Who called?" Soo's parents? Soo worried about them a lot.
Foreboding twisted in Yoona's tummy. Something was wrong.
"T-Taeyeon."
"Oh." Taeyeon. The woman who had some strange hold on Soo. "At this
time? Is something wrong?"
158

Sooyoung didn't answer her.

"Soo. Hon. What's wrong? Is Taeyeon okay?"
"Huh?" The school pizza.
You gonna eat that?
Yoona became more alarmed as Soo's face changed. The tall woman looked
as if she'd just seen a ghost, growing pale under her dusky skin, eyes wide. Yoona
tossed the covers aside and leaned, reaching for Sooyoung's hand.
Soo's fingers were ice cold. Hands that were always warm.
The contact broke the daze and Soo looked down, seeing Yoona's worried
frown. "I-I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry I woke you."
"What's wrong? What's going on? You look... shocked. What's going on?"
"Uh. Ah. Yeah. I have to run into the city."
"Now?" But it's still dark out. And. And. I'll miss you...
Soo leaned forward and hugged her, but only briefly. When she pulled back
Yoona was relieved to see a growing smile. But the next words surprised her. More
than surprised her and long after Soo left Yoona sat in bed, gnawing her lip in
jealousy-edged bafflement.
Soo murmuring, half to herself, in something that sounded like bemused
wonderment and disbelief combined, "Taeyeon said she loves me."

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10. Morning: Sun

aeyeon looked at her phone, trying to think, to make sense of her mouth
and the words that echoed in her head. I love you? "I can't believe I said
that." I love you. What? Where did that even come from?
Sure, Soo was her friend. Not only a friend, but the best friend a person
could have. Someone who'd stuck by her since... high school? But no. No. No. No.
That was a fever thought, the oncoming flu making her see things, remember
things that couldn't be true. Soo was not the goth girl. Impossible. That would be...
insane. And there was enough insanity floating about this morning.
Taeyeon looked up. She was a mere half block from the office. Her feet
moved her automatically, a walk she'd done more than a thousand times. But even
as her body knew the way... enough that she could have walked to work blind
folded... did she really want to go in today?
What a strange thought, but true even for the strangeness.
Her feet slowed. Another day of numbers, plans, projections... another day of
her life spent making money. It was almost six. Time for her work day to begin...
but then... why was she so hesitant? Because she was sick and out of sorts? That
was no excuse. She'd worked sick before. Her mother had taught her that. The only
thing she'd ever taught her. How to put one step in front of the other and keep on.
No matter how battered, bruised or broken.
That's right, mom. Work is the only thing that matters.
Taeyeon walked, completing her morning's journey into the building as
normal.
When everything was so not normal. The feeling of wrongness refused to
subside, even as she used her badge to gain admittance to Apex Advertising. In the
office, its dimly lit hallways, a sight she'd seen countless times. Today the air
seemed oppressive, gloomy. Unwelcoming. It struck Taeyeon suddenly, that office
buildings on holidays and weekends were... sad places to be. Without no sure
purpose other than a place for the masochist in search of suffering...
Taeyeon sighed. Just get to your desk. Quit stalling!
What was this? What was going on with her today? She leaned against the
receptionist's desk, thoughts bouncing around in her head. She was at the office.
But having stepped in, she was at a loss on what to do next. To the left and right
were the hallways that led to the managers' offices, the cube farm, the break room.
At the far end, to the left, almost lost in the unlit darkness was her corner office.
160

Like a cave.
The thought came to her. That she shouldn't be here. Anywhere but here. But
then, where should she be? Her lifeless apartment? The place where she slept and
ate and sat? Not a home, a place holder. Then where? What other place did she
have? Work, apartment. Nothing else. No... home. Nothing and no one to welcome
her.
She looked longingly at the other hallway. Down there was Soo's office.
Which would be empty. She'd told Soo not to worry, after having called her... and
given an impression of distracted insanity. Taeyeon scowled. She really wanted to
see Soo. She would know what was going wrong with her, if anyone would. But...
but... "I love you," Taeyeon said it disgustedly. What the hell, Taeyeon? What?
The? Hell?
When she didn't even know what love was. Couldn't know.
No one to learn from. No one to show her.
Taeyeon shook her head. She just needed to sit at her desk. Life made sense
behind her desk.
She turned the suite's lights on and pushed back the darkness, just a bit. The
fluorescent lights let her take an easier breath. Normally Taeyeon would have kept
the lights off in the main cube farm. It was wasteful to light empty desks, only
turning on her office lights, but today that would have been too much like a little
island of light in a sea of darkness. She knew she was being silly, as her closed
door would block the hall light anyway... but the thought was important.
Besides, insanity was a defense, wasn't it? It worked for criminals.
Soo was her friend, and she'd understand. She had to. Taeyeon wasn't in her
right mind. At least she hadn't blurted out the absurdity of asking if Soo had gone
to her high school! Of course she hadn't. Madness to think so. She was just tired
and falling sick and her brain was making up random images and false memories.
She could tell Soo that when she saw her later. 'Just ignore the silliness coming
out of my mouth. Please!'
Taeyeon shook her head. This was absurd. Just. Work! Just sit at your desk
and open your files! Forget how you embarrassed yourself!
Yes. Well. That was a plan.
Taeyeon walked to her office, following the plan. She looked at the wall
clock. Six AM, on the dot. Somehow, even with everything that was wonky and
wrong in her head and with her body, she'd made it in at her usual time. Nine
hours since she'd left, and somehow, in someway, she was... everything was...
different.
161

Her eyes swept the room out of habit and noticed the waste bin wasn't
emptied. Soo's present in its white box was still there amid the torn gift wrapping.
No custodian with a rolling trash bin, pushing it through the hallways
sometime after nine PM last night? Holiday laziness? Or probably because they
thought no one was going to be in on Christmas weekend and hey, let's leave early.
It's Christmas!
Taeyeon wondered why she wasn't feeling outraged. Instead, what she felt
was a sense of relief. They hadn't thrown her present away.
Taeyeon took a half-step but stopped. Dickens' A Christmas Carol. Her
annoyance at being lectured by a paper surrogate came back to her. The spirit of
Christmas?
Soo thought she needed some, eh?
Did she?
Didn't she?
Taeyeon touched her forehead, feeling goosebumps raising on her arms
under her coat. Her face was chilled from the walk and her legs felt weak. She
hadn't eaten. It was just hunger. That's why her heart was threatening to tremble its
way out of her chest? And why were there tears in her eyes?
Taeyeon closed her eyes, wiping them and breathed deep, willing her heart
to slow down. To become its normal dead self.
She walked around to her desk, averting her eyes from the waste bin,
deliberately giving it a wide berth. There were packets of Quaker instant oats in
her desk drawer. Hot oatmeal would be good. Something to get some blood sugar
going, and her head straight.
She picked up her coffee mug and a packet of oats and walked down to the
break room. It was small; vending machines, two microwaves and a sink, cheap
furniture. She filled her cup two thirds full with water, poured the oatmeal in and
punched a minute on one of the microwaves. A minute of her day. Go.
A second cranked by. :59
Time crawling. :58
Another. :57
And :56
Taeyeon tore her eyes away from the humming machine. It could do its job
without hypnotizing her. Her eyes wandered, taking in the HR posters, the
required state and city notices, the cheap tables and chairs. Someone had trimmed
the cork board with tinsel and paper candy canes. Probably Miriam, the cat lady.
She was a busybody like that.
162

Taeyeon's feet took her to stand in front of the candy vending machine.
Chocolate bars figured prominently, ranks of them, sitting end up in the metal
coils, waiting for quarters to liberate them. Twix. Reese's. Snickers. Milky Way.
Hershey's. She never bought anything from the vending machines. 100% mark up?
Horribly wasteful practice. And she never ate candy. Dentists were expensive.
Yet... she could feel the snap of cold chocolate from a Hershey's in her
mouth, waxy and tasteless, crumbling into small pieces because her mouth was
also chilled, unable to muster sufficient warmth to melt the chocolate before she
swallowed it.
Huh? Where did that come from? Something buried from childhood?
But when?
Taeyeon sighed, closing her eyes. She felt so tired and alone. As if her world
was sliding around, under her feet. Refusing to be firm. Betraying her. Where was
her calm? Her certainty? Her belief in self?
The microwaved beeped. She turned and froze.
The cup was next to the microwave. She'd forgotten to put it in.
Taeyeon fought the urge to scream. To rage. To rant. She opened her mouth
to let loose something profane and what came out was, "I love you." The syllables
hung in the air, bouncing from the cheap furniture and echoing in her brain. It
seemed to take forever before they faded into the acoustic ceiling tiles, the thin
carpet. It was a moment of perfect disconnect, as if someone else had control of
her mouth.
Insanity.
She'd told Soo those three words. Why? She didn't love anyone. She couldn't
love anyone. Loving was dangerous. Loving meant you needed someone, that that
person's happiness meant as much or more to you as your own. That their
happiness was your happiness. Love Sooyoung? Why? For friendship? Because
Soo had stuck by someone who'd barely noticed her presence for years? Who'd
been nothing but annoyed for much of that time?
Absurd.
Ridiculous.
But true.
The words. She'd meant them. Soo deserved her love, her respect, her
friendship. Soo helping her to make her dream come true, gambling her money
along with Taeyeon's, on a risky startup, working alongside her, as Apex struggled
to take a breath, to turn a profit. Buying security and sureness in an insecure and
unsure world. With hard work. With her.
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Equal risk, equal reward. That was the premise. A... marriage of sorts.
Without the touching and other stuff. But, still. A partnership of equals involving
trust and friendship and... love. She'd missed the significance of what it was
Sooyoung had offered her all these years. Trust. Friendship. Love.
Oh, not the romantic variety. At least... Taeyeon didn't think that was it. Soo
had never made a pass at her. Hah. How might that have turned out?
... How would that have turned out?
Hey, Baby.
What?
You sexy little thing.
Soo. Look at me. Are you rabid?
The way you spreadsheet drives me mad. So... passionate!
Taeyeon surprised herself by laughing. Laughing so hard she had to hold
onto the back of a chair to keep from falling. Laughing until she couldn't, until she
was breathless and gasping.
Oh, God. Her stomach hurt. Her face hurt. Tears were streaming down her
cheeks.
But. It hurt so... good. Had she ever laughed like this? She wound down to
the occasional chuckle but the image of Soo with an eyebrow raised, a Hey, Baby'
on her lips, kept revisiting and caused her to lose it again. And again. Finally
Taeyeon was reduced to the odd giggle and snort. Her tummy really did hurt. And
she'd been sore to begin with.
Great. When Soo comes in, thinking I've gone crazy, I'm going to have a
hard time not laughing hysterically at her face.
Taeyeon shook her head. She was going insane. Laughing by herself in the
break room, staring at a cup of unheated oatmeal. Ugh. Oatmeal.
She'd rather have a candy bar. Taeyeon emptied the cup into the waste
disposal, feeling a large hunk of guilt try to choke her at the criminal waste. She'd
paid for the oatmeal, and here she was throwing it away.
But she wanted a candy bar. A Hershey's. Without the murderous almonds.
She went back to her office to get money. She ignored the call of the
discarded Christmas present.
Ignoring the waste bin, not looking at the waste bin, walking by the waste
bin with the present from my best friend forever.
She found a crumpled dollar bill in her wallet.
Still ignoring the waste bin. Not feeling the box staring me in the back as I
exit my office.
164

She hummed as she tried to feed the bill into the vending machine. And
tried. And tried. She looked at the dollar bill. Too wrinkled to feed it in. Eh tu,
Brute? The world didn't make sense anymore. Money didn't work. How could
money not work? Money was always the answer!
She stared at the Hershey's bar in its brown wrapper. It looked back
haughtily. The lunch room was cursed. It wouldn't feed her.
Back to the office, this time to see if she had an unwrinkled dollar bill. Or
quarters. Of course she had larger denominations, a five, a ten, two twenties. Her
knees could feel the box staring at them from under the edge of her desk. Open
me. Take me out. Read me. Learn about Christmas, you miserly, funny looking,
little scrooge-type person!
No! Money! Chocolate!
But... no other dollar bills... Coins? Check for coins!
The coin purse in her wallet proved empty. But, there was a seldom used
pocket in her purse. Had she put her coins in there? She so rarely dealt with real
money. It was always plastic or online banking or using the payroll firm to print
the paychecks.
She checked.
Huzzah! She grabbed the dozen or so coins she found, tried to get them out
and ended up spilling a few in her haste. Three of them. A penny, a dime, a nickel.
Sixteen cents, ringing distinct tonalities on the hard surface of her desk. The flat
sound of aluminum for the penny, the copper-nickel of the dime landing with
delicate highs and the heavier, dull note of the nickel. Each one hit the desk,
bouncing, spinning. Each impact felt like a slap, blurring the world and then
returning it to a precisely edged reality. The wrong reality. The one where
everything was more wrong with each passing second.
The penny was the last to still, wobbling down from a spin.
She was so clumsy with real money. Growing up, money had been
something she'd glimpsed infrequently, bundled away, hoarded. Wrinkled paper,
dirty coins. Money smelled bad. But, oh. So precious. Money could buy things.
Cheap bottles of vodka, so her mother could sleep. Packs of cigarettes and beer for
her step father. Money to pay the rent, carefully counted out and put in an
envelope. Bitter money. Money earned with difficulty, and yet disappearing all too
easily.
Taeyeon didn't like money. She just wanted her mom back. The woman
who'd left when her father died. The happy, smiling, warm mother turning into a
grieving wreck, incapable of anything but self-pity. How long had it gone on?
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Taeyeon remembered the confusion of the new man in their life. A new father?
Life was never right from then on. Her dead father had never hit her mother. Why
did this one? Yelling, screaming, things being broken, and no place in the small
apartment to hide from the noise.
Mostly they fought about money. Money was important. Taeyeon
remembered the words told to her over and over again, answering the question of
why her mother couldn't stay at home.
'I have to work. Money is important, Taeyeonah. Without money, we can't
live a good life.'
"Is... this a good life?"
And you, Mom. Why did you never find your good life? Was it only possible
with Dad? You never got over him. You never lived after he died. I was just a kid
and I could see you failing. I didn't understand it then. Just the differences. I was
just a stupid kid. What did I know?
Her legs felt weak.
She circled her desk and sat in her chair, leaving the coins as they lay.
The lowest drawer, all the way in the back, death, still in its envelope. She
reached in, her fingers knowing exactly where it was, even though she'd put there
last winter.
The notification. Her mother, dead. A year ago, today. Attached; the
coroner's note. COD: Heart failure. Advanced coronary disease, congestive heart
failure, pulmonary embolism. The letter said she'd been cremated. A list of her
belongings enumerated on the attachment. The items would be donated to a shelter
unless the next of kin replied within sixty days.
Taeyeon remembered the list. She didn't look again. Just items of clothing.
No money. Not a single penny. Her worthless mother.
Sixteen cents on her desk. Sixteen cents more than her mother had died with.
We regret to inform you...
But Taeyeon had no regrets, no connection, no emotion. When the letter
arrived, she'd thought it a solicitation for the police retirement fund or some such
and left it in the pile for Soo to look through. Her partner coming in later, face
pale, letter in her hand. Her eyes huge.
What? What's wrong with you?
This letter... it's about-- it's about your... mom.
Reading it, Taeyeon had felt absolutely nothing. The next day Soo's
expression, the exact one she expected from warm-hearted, caring Soo.
Are you going to take some time off?
166

Why would I?
Taeyeon-I'm fine. She was practically a stranger. Can we get back to work? I want
these quarterlies done by tonight.
Do you want to talk about it?
No. I do not. There's nothing to talk about.
She was your mo-Enough! Stop it.
She'd died not five miles from here. Congestive heart failure was a slow
death. She would have been fatigued, short of breath, pained as her internal organs
started to fail. Slowly, slowly dying. And cold. Her mother had hated being cold.
The embolism, a blood clot, would have been as fatal a gunshot. Had it hurt?
Why.. didn't you try to find me? Umma. I'm in the damned book! I have the
name you gave me. How many Taeyeon Kims can there be in New York? I would
have taken you to the hospital. I-- I would have taken care of you!
Cremated. The letter had told her where to call, where to go, to get the
remains. The ashes. Or they would be disposed of after sixty days. Taeyeon hadn't
thought of looking for them. Burying them. Numb? Or uncaring? Simply
accepting the news. It hadn't hurt. It hadn't bothered her in the least.
But at night. Thinking. Of how she'd worked ceaselessly to win the
scholarship and then running away, never acknowledging her mother, never
thinking of her, abandoning her mother to the ruins of her life. The life she didn't
have anymore. How Taeyeon had hated her, her childhood, her life.
Her father's death... when he'd died, so had a different life. The memories of
him, of anything but sullen silence and desperation and fear, all vanished. She
could only remember missing her mother, the smiling woman. To be replaced by
someone who looked like her, but was... broken. Apathetic, empty.
Now gone. Even her ashes.
Why was this bothering her now? Had her mother even thought of her?
You should have looked me up and called.
I should have... I should have found you. I have more money than you could
imagine. But I'm too afraid to spend it. I'm waiting until... I have enough to have
a... good life.
Taeyeon stared at the coins. She asked them again, "Is this a good life?"
Only the coins on her desk were mute things. They couldn't tell her if it was
enough. No one could. The coins became blurry and she felt tears spilling down
her face.
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Was this pain? When she could barely remember what her mother looked
like? Nothing to remember her by, except this letter. Not even a picture. Who was
she? A mother. Her mother. Didn't mothers love their children? Wasn't that part of
the deal? Yet she'd died alone, her only child busily working a short taxi ride away,
trying to find some happiness...
The woman who'd gifted her with a miser's wisdom, taught her to fear the
world and its harsh lessons, and then when Taeyeon had packed her things into
their single suitcase, had stood there, silent...
"I'll be working summers at an internship out of town." I'm never coming
back. "I... take care of yourself. Stay warm."
Her mother. An envelope in her hand, all that she'd saved. Not a card full of
sentiments. Not a hug. Not warm words of luck or advice. An envelope. Always
count the money. Her mother had taught her. And so she did. A few hundred
dollars. What her mother had after a decade of an existence scraping by.
What had she felt then? Taeyeon couldn't remember. Gratitude that her
mother had given her so much? Or anger at the paltry sum? Or that her mother
hadn't known that her daughter would rather have a hug? A smile. Anything else.
The woman in her memories. Why couldn't she see her? Taeyeon closed her
eyes... flashes, glimpses, but no memory, no clear memory of her face. It was as if
her mother had never existed.
A realization struck Taeyeon. When she herself died, there would be no one
to remember the woman who'd given birth to her.
She had Soo to remember her. And Soo had so many friends. But her
mother... nobody. Not even her daughter.
The past was... colored with ugliness. Nothing remained pure, or good. She'd
done well to leave it all behind. To move on with her life.
Right?
So why did it hurt?
Why did the thought of her mother dying alone hurt so much?
~~~
Sooyoung pressed the floor button for Apex, nervous flutters working in her
gut. What did Taeyeon remember of the girl in the high school cafeteria? Well. Soo
blinked. Was it a terrible thing if Taeyeon remembered? Was there a reason to keep
it secret?
Shame? Shame at her weakness, was that a reason to hide? Soo knew it was
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nothing to be ashamed of. She should tell Yoona, too. Before they were married.
How once upon a time Sooyoung Choi had doubted, indeed hated, who she was.
And through a singular act of gastronomical greed, she'd seen the light. As a
reminder of that day she kept the razor, nestled in black velvet in a display case in
her home office. Yoona had asked what it meant.
That? A gift of life.
A straight razor?
Life is weird sometimes?
Yoona had just looked at her oddly.
Life was weird. Most times it made no sense. It wasn't neat or elegant.
Usually there wasn't any grand meaning or poetry to it. But it could surprise you,
and when it showed you a glimpse of possibility, only a fool turned away. Life was
possibility, waiting to happen. And while it could suck mightily, it was never too
dark. There was always hope. Soo believed that.
She chuckled. The little monster had sounded so weird on the phone.
Taeyeon was one to get to the point, never hesitating, never showing a hint of
human indecision. She overpowered people with her certitude, her directness, her
uncaring tactlessness.
She really was a little monster. To anyone who didn't know the scars she
carried. Buried deep down.
Was Taeyeon coming to terms with her past? Childhood issues. Taeyeon was
a mass of issues, and the deeper those went, the longer it would take to work
through. And it would require time and commitment to unravel. But the important
thing was that Taeyeon acknowledge that there was a problem. The longest
journey started with a single step, and now, maybe, Taeyeon was at a place where
Soo could give her a firm shove to start her off.
And walk with her, every step of the way.
Hmm. The lights were on. Why were they on? Taeyeon hated waste and
inefficiency. She watched every expenditure the business had with an eagle's eye
and it would be at least an hour before any of the employees showed up.
The office was silent, except for the muted air movement from the building's
HVAC system. Halfway across the cube farm Sooyoung heard something.
Crying?
Soo walked quicker towards the sound, concerned and disbelieving. It
couldn't be... Sooyoung gasped. It was. Taeyeon was crying, sitting not at her desk
but in the corner of her office, on the floor. A piece of paper in her hand getting
wet with falling tears. Soo saw the letterhead. Taeyeon's mother's death notice. Oh,
169

dear. Today. Today was the anniversary. This must be what was bothering
Taeyeon. Soo knew it would have to come out. All the denial in the world couldn't
erase the bonds of blood.
After Taeyeon's mother died Sooyoung had tried to imagine what it might
feel like, losing her own mother. It would happen sometime. Children buried their
parents. At least, that was how it usually went. But trying to imagine the certainty
of what was to come had shut her brain down. Impossible. Impossible to imagine.
Mom was mom.
Another impossibility was seeing Taeyeon crying. Taeyeon. Crying.
Sooyoung felt answering tears start in her own eyes, looking at the small forlorn
figure.
Hearing Sooyoung's step Taeyeon raised red eyes, puffy from crying. It
twisted Soo's heart to see the devastation in her friend's face. The ruin of pain
revealed the soul that even Soo had sometimes wondered existed. Taeyeon had
never looked so... human.
The small woman half turned, quickly dropping her head, choking off her
sobs, covering her mouth with a trembling hand.
Soo said nothing, striding to quickly cross the office. She knelt beside the
crying woman and raised a hand, gently stroking Taeyeon's not-quite shoulder
length hair.
Like the hurt thing she was, desperate for solace and surcease Taeyeon
turned to her and Soo found her arms filled with a shaking body as huge sobs
wracked her partner. Soo held her there and cried with her, for long minutes as the
sun finished rising, shining its light into the corner office. A new day.
At last.

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11. Morning: Drive

aeyeon quieted after a time, emptied of tears. A lassitude fell over her,
like waters becalming after a storm only interrupted by the occasional
hiccup. But under the surface of the moment, a deep pain awaited and
she knew it had a name. Grief. She grieved and would grieve. A sea of
grief barely touched. But for now, she felt separated from herself, from the
immediacy of the hurt. Her friend was here and for Taeyeon, Soo's presence was a
balm, soothing her distress, long arms offering shelter that her tempest lashed soul
desperately welcomed.
Taeyeon reminded Soo of nothing more than a child as she looked down at
the carpet and her shoes, sniffling. Wonder still filled her. She'd never thought to
see her friend doing anything as human as crying and it gave her hope, for
Taeyeon's sake. The kkomah leaned against Soo and Soo was content to hold her
but she knew it couldn't last. Taeyeon was too stubborn to remain so quiet.
Embarrassment grew, awareness of how strange this must be for Soo and it roused
Taeyeon. Self-consciously she tried to shift away but Soo tsked and tucked her in
closer, hugging her tight. She even put her chin on top of Taeyeon's head. It was
the right height for it.
Taeyeon thought of struggling, but her dignity was already in tatters. And
this... wasn't terrible. Soo's arms wrapped her neatly. Who needed such long arms?
But it made sense. Taeyeon had many memories of Soo's arms around people.
Other people. The woman dispensed hugs freely, but Taeyeon had never accepted
one. Unthinkable.
What must Soo think of her having a breakdown in her office? Sitting on the
floor. Thankfully, Soo was silent, giving her the time to compose herself. When
she felt she could, Taeyeon spoke. "S-Sorry."
"For what?"
Taeyeon's voice was small. Almost a whisper. "... This."
"Taeyeon. It's okay. You'll be okay."
"No. I don't know that I'll ever be okay. I'm just starting to realize that."
"It'll take time. A long time, maybe. But change takes time."
"Soo... "
"Hmmm?"
"Can I change? Isn't it too late?"
"You've already changed. Or started to. And no, it's never too late."
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Soo was warm. It was warm in her arms. Taeyeon breathed deeper and
moved, turning into her, putting her own arms around Soo's thin waist, Taeyeon
hugged her friend. It didn't matter that they were sitting on her office floor, and
that her back and body were sorely protesting the contortion or that one of her legs
was going to sleep. What mattered was the closeness.
"You need to eat more."
"You need to drink more milk."
"I love you."
"So I hear."
"Wise ass."
"Idiot."
"Soo?"
"Yes?"
"Why?"
"Huh?"
"Never mind that... No. Say, while I'm being insane... can I ask you a
question?"
"I thought you just did."
"A different question, well, sort of the same question."
"I'm not sure I understand."
"I'm being serious."
"Should I be nervous?"
"It's just that I've had some really crazy thoughts this morning. And if I don't
ask you now, I never will."
"Okay. Go ahead. Anything."
"Did you go to Perry Jackson High on Long Island?"
"I did. What made you realize it now?"
"You... I don't... Soo! How-- I don't know why I remembered all of a sudden.
Just a random thought when I was in the shower... That was you. The pizza at
lunch."
"I like my pizza."
"Me too."
"Will you forgive me?"
"For the pizza or not telling me?"
"Both."
"I just... I just don't understand. Why-- W-W-- Why would you... How?"
"I went there before you did?"
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"Not that. Why did you never say anything?"

"I don't think high school was something either of us enjoyed."
"An understatement."
"Pithy, I know."
"But you could have told me."
"I'm sorry I didn't. I should have. I just... wasn't ready."
"Wait. So. Columbia? Meeting you at orientation... why Soo? Why me?"
"Because you helped me at Perry Jackson, when I was really feeling down."
"But I didn't even know you! I didn't say two sentences to you!"
"Still, you were what I needed. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you."
"Huh? You mean at Apex?"
"No. Here. Alive."
"B-But-- Soo! You mean... "
"Growing up isn't easy for anyone. And discovering things about yourself is
sometimes a hard thing, real craptastic crap."
"You mean-- "
"Girls. Liking girls, yeah."
"But you were so... in college, you... "
"Speaking of which, do you have any idea how hard I had to work to get into
Columbia? Couldn't you have gone to community college?"
"You followed me!"
"I did, you overachieving genius! And I say that with derision. Four times I
took the damn SATs! Tutors! No weekends, a lot of sleepless nights and so many
damned internships."
"Your mom... "
"Yup."
"Y-You-You-- She helped you!"
"What? She was my guidance counselor too."
"She helped you to follow me!"
"What're moms for?"
"That's nuts. Soo, if I helped you, it was by accident. I don't deserve... "
"Hush. Taeyeon, listen. When I had no one else in the world that would help
me to understand myself... when I was alone... you found me."
Taeyeon found more tears in her eyes, when she thought there couldn't be
anymore left.
"You're... crazy. But I'm glad you were there. And I'm sorry it took so long
for me to realize."
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"Kim Taeyeon, I don't know what happened to you, but I like it."
"I woke up... weird. I mean. It hurts. And I'm scared. But... but I'm glad I
finally realized how good you were to me-- are to me. For that, for you, I'm glad.
Not the crying. Or the insanity. My eyes are tired from crying. But this," and
Taeyeon tightened her arms, "This is okay."
It was nice. What would it be like to have this everyday? To not be afraid of
being close to someone... to trust someone? Soo did it so easily... but no. Suicide?
Soo? The girl who was friends with everyone? So relaxed and liked and at ease?
Hard to imagine that Sooyoung Choi could have had a hard time-- well. Teenager,
sex, confusion. Yeah, that would have been tough. Still. Imagining Soo as anything
but supremely confident in life seemed impossible. And Soo had made it. She was
happy, and she brought happiness to others. Her girlfriend...
"Is she nice?" Does she deserve you?
"Who?"
"Your girlfriend. The one you're going to settle down with."
"Yoona. Yes. She's very nice."
"... Good. You should be happy, Soo."
"Thank you."
"Let's get up. I'm better."
Soo nodded and let her go, standing first. In the process of helping Taeyeon
up, she saw the box from the booksellers in the trash. Was the book inside it? Had
the little monster thrown it away? Sooyoung had half expected her to anyway.
She'd bought it as a pointed reminder, more tongue-in-cheek than anything, hoping
the miser in Taeyeon would recognize the worth of a first edition and become
conflicted about throwing it away. First editions were hard to come by. Well, what
Taeyeon did with her gift was up to her.
And had there been... something... in Taeyeon's voice when asking about
Yoona? Wistfulness? A slight touch... of... no. No? Was something there? What
could Taeyeon be jealous of? Being with Yoona would never change her friendship
with Taeyeon. And Taeyeon had never shown-- but she was changing, wasn't she?
Sooyoung blinked. Just how far had the kkomah come in a single morning?
Not that Taeyeon would be capable of a relationship for a long time. And odd that
this was something she might have to worry about with Taeyeon... Okay, Soo.
You're not her mother... quite. It's a bit early wondering about more than just
Taeyeon. She'll figure out love after she figures out life. If she wants to. And you'll
push her along as she needs.
"Soo?"
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"Hmm?"
"Can you take me somewhere?"
"Sure. Where?"
Taeyeon looked at the paper in her hand. "Where my mom died."
"Oh, Taeyeon."
"I-I don't have anything of her." Not a picture, not her ashes. Nothing to
bury. Nothing to ask forgiveness of. She raised her eyes to Sooyoung. "I should
have something."
Sooyoung blinked sudden tears away and nodded. "Sure. Let's go to the
restroom and get ourselves sorted first."
Taeyeon plashed cold water on her face. It felt like a benediction, soothing
and shocking at the same time, seeping into her morning, grounding her in this
moment of reality.
Sooyoung wet paper towels, folding them before gesturing at her face, "For
your eyes."
Taeyeon stood in the restroom, head tilted back, her eyes relaxed under the
cold compresses. Thankfully no one else was on the floor, though Jung and others
would be showing up sooner or later.
At least no one else had seen her crying her eyes out. What would their
employees have made of the scene? She listened to Soo repairing her makeup, the
authoritative click of her high bootheels as she walked back over to her partner.
Did the woman need heels? Seriously.
Sooyoung felt a smile ghosting on her lips. Taeyeon was... cute standing
there, her face upturned. "How do your eyes feel?"
Taeyeon pulled the compresses off and blinked a few times. Much of the
redness was gone. "Better."
Sooyoug gestured her over to the counter. "Here, put some lotion on. I have
eye cream, and a little powder I think."
"But I don't wear makeup."
"You should. I'd kill for your coloring. But you're already so pale to begin
with, you need the sun protection. Oh, and a little eye shadow and mascara."
Taeyeon looked up at Soo, a refusal on the tip of her tongue. Her partner had
a slightly dusky complexion, which only added to her exotic appeal. Soo could
have been a model with her proportions, her huge eyes, wavy hair and dramatic
cheekbones. Next to her, Taeyeon knew she faded to insignificance. But Soo was
her friend and if her friend wanted to waste her expensive makeup, then Taeyeon
should humor her.
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So she stood there as Soo worked. The strangeness of the situation didn't
detract from what she felt for Soo. The taller woman's touch was sure and gentle
and Taeyeon found it soothing, if altogether an alien experience.
After Soo was done she stepped back to peruse her work, her head tilted to
one side. Taeyeon turned to her reflection and blinked with eyes that seemed twice
as large as normal.
"Gawd, you're pretty. When did this happen?"
"Soo, don't joke."
"I'm being serious. I mean, occasionally there were times I thought you
could be cute-- "
"-- No. No way-- "
"-- mainly because you're cute-sized, but I mean it. You're pretty, Taeyeon."
"You're just saying that to be nice." And yet the girl looking back in the
mirror... was pretty. Taeyeon felt Soo's approving gaze and a faint blush worked
under alabaster skin as Soo pursed her lips appraisingly.
Soo nodded. Taeyeon could have been fifteen. It was the shape of her face, a
child's perfect oval. And she really did have nice skin, though the eyes were a bit
too widely spaced for classic beauty, but the little makeup had brought them out of
the milky complexion. Lipstick would be good too. "Hold on... "
"What?"
"Lipstick... There. Blot your lips. My. You look good."
"It's the makeup."
"I'm good, hon, but I'm no makeup artist."
"Uh." Taeyeon could only look at the woman in the mirror. A very strange
day. Maybe she would look into getting a few things for her face. To protect her
skin. Yes. She should protect her skin. She blinked and turned away and an echo of
grief touched her. A very strange day, with emotions surging about. Realizations
and appreciation and... hope? She wanted to give Soo another hug, but stopped
herself. "I have to run by my office."
"Sure. I'll get the car out of the garage and meet you out front." Apex had a
deal with a parking garage half a block away. Parking in New York was always a
challenge, with tow trucks, meter maids and garages more than earning their keep.
It was why most New Yorkers never thought about owning their own car.
Taeyeon hurried to her office. The box was there. Waiting. Even if she never
read the thing, she'd keep the book. A girl did not simply throw away a gift from
her only friend. The office air rushed over her face as she moved, and Taeyeon was
acutely aware of her skin, her lips, how it felt with the lotion and makeup. Sleek.
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Bothersome. Nice? Was she pretty? Could she ever be someone who people would
like? Taeyeon snorted to herself. "You're still the same person. A single weird day
doesn't change that."
She crossed her office, her eyes catching the coins on the desk. Candy bar.
But the thought of food was the last thing her body wanted. She felt lightheaded,
and light, as if there was less of her as she walked to the waste bin. The quality of
the day, the strangeness of it, seemed to coalesce into a denser thing, building the
nearer she got to her desk, until she felt as if she were floating in slow motion,
drifting along above the carpet, like an astronaut doing a spacewalk.
Taeyeon reached for the book, bending, and her hands touched the white
strathmore box. The fine-grained vellum finish of the cotton fibers felt as smooth
as the finest fabric, as warm as skin.
Reality crystallized, becoming sharper, more brilliant, as if everything were
made of gemstones, glittering in the sunlight. A ridiculous image came to Taeyeon,
of a sword in a stone and a boy named Arthur touching its hilt, grasping it, the air
waiting to burst into song, the potential both portentous and perilous.
Taeyeon straightened, box in hand. The sunlight shining in through her
windows made it seem as if were made out of light, and light as a feather, but as
meaningful, as important as an oath.
"It's just a book." Her flat words shivered in the hard air, trying to pierce the
unreality and failing. She blinked and it only got worse, the snowy strathmore
blazing an argent glare, as if it bypassed her eyes and simply shined directly into
her mind.
She'd planned to simply put it on her desk, so it wouldn't be thrown out, but
removing her hand from it was a sudden impossibility. Her head felt stuffed with
batting, her thoughts logy and unwilling to ponder any other course, even as her
eyes absorbed the beauty of the golden calligraphy with it loops and swirls; surely
the glimmerings of aureate splendor had been written by an angel's hand. Had any
box ever looked as gorgeous? As promising of wonders?
She opened it reverently, her breath trembling. Nestled in the fine grained
wrapping tissue was her present. The book was bound in carnelian pressboard, the
title, A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens surrounded by a gold foil wreathe.
This story of a miser who became a good man after a night of visions. A children's
story, but so much more. A clarion call of hope, of redemption and worth bought
with suffering.
Then the day darkened as clouds intruded. The world dimmed and softened
into normality. Taeyeon blinked, shaking her head, settling onto her heels tiredly.
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The flu. Hopefully she hadn't given it to Soo. Her desk phone rang,
displaying Soo's cell number. Taeyeon looked at her clock. Almost eight? What in
the world? How long had she been standing here?
Taeyeon closed the white box and slipped it into her purse, grabbing her coat
and the notification letter. She hurried to the elevator. She'd ask Soo to stop by a
Duane Reade to get some flu medicine. She touched her face to check her
temperature, suddenly remembering the makeup as her fingers came away lightly
powdered. Oh, bother. All those women checking their faces in small mirrors...
Taeyeon had never done so. It seemed silly to want to start now.
Taeyeon sighed as the elevator doors opened. She wasn't pretty. And makeup
wasn't who she was. It was ostentation and fakery. Wearing it would be her trying
to be something she wasn't. She looked down at her charcoal gray slacks and the
beige coat. Simple. Plain. Efficient. What did it matter what she looked like? She
pulled out a tissue to wipe off the makeup and then paused as the elevator
descended. Later. After Soo dropped her off. She owed her partner that much and
more, didn't she? If Soo wanted her to dress up like a clown she would gladly
accept the red nose and wig. She owed Soo so much. The world wasn't the same.
She wasn't the same. As uncomfortable as it might be, Soo was worth it.
Taeyeon looked at her distorted reflection in the stainless-steel paneled
elevator doors, her reflection splitting apart as the doors slid open. The new her? If
only it could be so easy. Taeyeon told her vanished reflection, "Get it together,
idiot." Taeyeon trotted across the lobby and out to a New York morning.
Soo smiled at her... gently as she opened the door to the blue Accord. She
remembered how happy Soo had been when she bought the thing. Her first new
car. Now it had a few scrapes, a dent or two. The seat was thin, but comfortable.
Like Soo. Hah.
"What happened? I've been out here for twenty minutes." That smile
widened as Soo looked closer.
"Sorry. I... spaced out." Taeyeon felt self-conscious as she buckled the seat
belt. Did she look like a clown in daylight? She should have wiped off the
makeup. And crying on the woman?
Soo's voice was a happy sound, cajoling and fun as she entered the sparse
morning traffic, crossing town and heading towards the Brooklyn Bridge. A
holiday weekend made for bearable city driving. Just not near the retail centers. "I
guess Spacely Sprockets sounds better than Apex Advertising."
"Ha. Ha."
"Feeling a little unreal?"
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"Yeah."
"It'll be that way. Big changes take time to absorb."
"Thank you, Soo." Taeyeon carefully didn't look at her partner. Saying the
words was hard enough. Hugging her. Enjoying the embrace. Stop it! Soo's just
being nice. She'd hug her worst enemy. She's... incredibly nice, and you shouldn't
get used to it. She's going to get married or something and she won't have time for
you and your idiocy. You need to be strong! You need to get over this... whatever it
is-- craziness and... get back to being... alone.
"What are you thinking?"
"Nothing."
"I love you."
"What?" What?
"Love. You. I made a joke earlier, but you should know, you're my friend. I
love you. You're worth my time."
"I don't know, Soo. I don't feel very worthy. You could be so much... you
could-- you should do what you want to do, not... Soo, you should be doing work
that makes you happy."
"I am happy. Right now, I'm ecstatic. Seeing you feeling is a dream come
true."
"But... Damn it, Soo. You can't expect me to be something I'm not. You
can't... depend on me... " To change. What if I disappoint you? What if I fail?
"Whoa there, shorty. Calm ya ta-tas. Listen. Know this. I have no
expectation for you to be something you're not, or to change into something I
want. You don't have to worry about me judging you. This isn't a contest, or a race.
That isn't how it works. I have hope for you, but that hope doesn't come as a
burden. It's a support."
"Support."
"Yeah. A shoulder to cry on. A slap on the ass when you need that. A hand to
help you stand up. And when you're up to it, when you're ready for more, there
might be times when I'll need you to help me. That's how friendship works. It can't
be all one-sided, and it can't be perceived by either party as just giving and giving.
Responsibility, honesty, respect, respect plays a huge part in it, but nothing of
burden. Only what you bring to it."
"You... respect me?"
"Oh, God yes. I don't know anyone who can work harder than you. You set a
goal and pursue it until it's achieved. That's a rarity in this world. You're too
focused at times, unaware of people and feelings and humor, yeah, you're gonna
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need to work on that, but I wouldn't be nearly as successful in my career if I hadn't

latched on to you. You've made me very wealthy... at least... on paper."
"You are wealthy. We are. Millionaires. I know what I said about keeping all
the capital in the business, but if you ever need money, half the company is yours."
"No need. I done good on my own. Yoona is loaded."
"Yoona? Is that a Korean name?"
"Yes. And she's very well-to-do."
"Is she... older?"
"My age."
"Family money?"
"Nope. Self made. She doesn't have much family."
"Alright. What does she do?"
"She's a Hollywood type. Actress and singer. Model. A multi-tainer, I think is
what they call her."
"She's mous?"
"She was a Bond girl?"
"What?"
"You'd probably have seen her if you had a TV. "
"But... Famous?"
"Yeah. I know. Truthfully I'm not crazy about it myself, but she's a wonder
for my charity work. That's how I met her. She can get sponsors to line up with a
smile."
"And they know she's gay?"
"Well... no. We keep that out of the public eye."
"Isn't that going to cause problems for her career when it comes out?"
"Hollywood is getting pretty liberal about sexual orientation."
"Yeah. I guess. I guess it's a good thing you're not in Korea."
"Eeeh. Yeah."
"But... famous."
"I know. That was my first thought." Soo was pretty and pretty sexy. She
knew that about herself. She'd been scouted three or four times at Columbia by
modeling agencies and she'd just laughed, throwing away the cards after sucking
in her cheeks and stalking about dramatically. But being camera fodder for a
living? She'd scoffed at the idea. Looks were nice but it was the heart of a person
that was important. And Yoona was a great person for exactly that reason.
Taeyeon frowned. A Hollywood type? New York was a long way from
Hollywood. "Wait. Where does she work?"
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"Mainly in California but she does modeling work from here at times."
"Travels a lot."
"Mmhmm. She has a Malibu beach house."
"Like Barbie?"
"Heh. Yeah. I'll have to use that one. It's one of those stilt things on the side
of cliff. I've only seen pictures but very picturesque. Anyway, she'll be moving in
with me here."
"Long Island?"
"When she's here, yeah. Heck, she practically lives in my house already.
She's happy there. But she does spend a lot of time in Cali."
"Does she have a limo?"
"Only when she wants one."
"A maid?"
"No. Yoona cooks. Really well. Hell, she even does my laundry. I iron better
though."
"Huh. Not what I imagine a Hollywood type to be."
"She's down to earth. Really."
Hollywood. The Land of The Fake. Taeyeon imagined someone with
beautiful clothes and hair and nothing between the ears but perfect teeth. Someone
with a divorce attorney on speed dial. Someone who spent a lot of time on the
other coast. Long distance relationships were hard enough, but to have the two of
them doing such different things seemed foolhardy. "I don't know, Soo. It just
seems like you two come from different worlds."
"We do. But she's a nice girl. My parents love her. You'd like her. I don't
know if it's possible to dislike her."
Huh. Well... Soo knew people. She was the consummate people person.
Much more so than Taeyeon could pretend to. And it wasn't as if Taeyeon would
have anything to do with Yoona.
The blocks rolled by as Taeyeon thought about what Soo's life might be like.
To date someone like that. What if... Yoona wanted to take Soo out there, to sunny
California? Soo wouldn't have to work... and she certainly didn't need Taeyeon or
Apex with someone famous and rich as her significant other.
"She works in California."
"More than here."
"What if she wants you to... take you... out there?"
"I'd go but only to vacation. We should go."
"We?"
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"Us."
"M-M-Me?"
"Yeah. You're my best friend, and you haven't had a vacation in... ever."
"But. I don't know. Why would someone famous want to... "
"Live in a small house in a Long Island suburb and rub elbows with common
folk?"
"Well, yeah. Doing dishes and vacuuming. When she has a house in
Malibu."
"Because my life is here. And I told her that if she wants to be a part of my
life, she should get used to where I live."
"And she was okay with that?"
"She was happy about it. That's what I mean about mutual respect. I have
things about me that she'll have to accept, and I'll have to accept that she's going to
be kissing Hollywood heart throbs on the big screen wearing nothing but a bikini
bottom. Or something."
"I see you've thought about it."
"I think doing my laundry and cooking me dinner occasionally is small
recompense for kissing some stubbly hunk with big biceps and broad shoulders
and hair everywhere."
"But she could hire a personal chef and have maids and a butler. You could...
move. Live in Hollywood. Malibu. You wouldn't need to deal with ice and snow,
unless it was to go to-- uh, Vale? Soo, you should... think about it."
"Are you trying to get rid of me?"
"No. No. No. No. But... "
"Would you go?"
"Huh?"
"To California."
"Me?"
"There's no one else in the car."
"I have work."
"And I have work. My life is here. And she wants to be a part of it. I called
her crazy, but she loves the idea of being domestic. Settling down. Children. Eeek.
Can you imagine me pregnant?"
"P-P-P-Pregnant?"
"That's usually how kids are born."
"But. But. There's. But."
"We'd go to a sperm bank. People do it all the time."
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"You?"
"I'm people. Don't you ever think about having kids?"
"Me?"
"Okay. Not you. Not yet. But maybe someday? I mean, you should meet
someone first."
"Soo, I don't even know if I like people."
"Yeah, there's that. Say, do you think I'm sexy?"
"What?"
"Sexy. Me. Do you?"
"Uh."
"So, you do."
"Uh!"
"You're blushing!"
"That's the makeup!"
"No."
"I mean you had people hanging all over you in college. And you... Yoona.
She fell for you. She's pretty?"
"Very. But not them, not her. You? Do you think I'm sexy?"
"You're... tall."
"Not the question, Taeyeon."
"Yeah. I guess."
"Huh. Do you think... uh... whatshisname, oh, look there, that movie poster.
Do you think he's sexy?"
"Him sexy? God of Thunder?"
"I'm curious."
"I-I-I've n-never thought about it."
"Have you ever... "
"What?"
"Ever... been... with... "
"No!"
"Man or woman?"
"No."
"So when you think about someone in the shower?"
"Shower?"
"When you... touch... "
"Choi Sooyoung, what are you trying to say?"
"I think I may die of laughter, once I start laughing."
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"Are you asking if I mast-- "

"-- Yes!"
"Oh. No."
"No?"
"No."
"No?"
"No."
"No, you what?"
"I don't mas-- "
"-- You don't?"
"It's nothing... I've ever... why are we talking about this?"
"I'm trying to figure out who I should introduce you to, you twit!"
"Why is that your concern?"
"Because!"
"Because?"
"Sex is good. Love is better, but sex is... not... a bad thing. It's healthy. It's
good for you. Good for the heart, good for the body, helps you sleep. Hell, it's
probably good for the environment."
"Uh. I-- I don't-- I've never dated-- Let's drop this, okay?"
"Thank God. I really didn't want to get into an accident."
"Are you okay?"
"It's stressful, being your friend."
"You're weird."
"Yes. So, really, you've never-- "
"Sooyoung!"
"Fine! Fine! I'm not asking if you've ever thought about anyone... in
particular... while... you were... Oh. Here we are."
Soo pulled up to the curb, turning on her hazard lights. No street parking.
The sign said Providence House.
Taeyeon was aware that Soo had grown solemn and silence filled the car.
Taeyeon took in the dirty streets, the cracked sidewalk. Incongruously, there was a
Salvation Army kettle and bell ringer outside the shelter. What sort of money was
to be had here?
A minute stretched out and then two cars got stuck behind Soo and a car
horn vied with the ringing bell before a break in traffic let them past.
Soo, dear Soo. She'd been trying to cheer her up with her inane questions
and Taeyeon felt a small smile growing, even if it was swamped with grimness.
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Life was okay. She wasn't alone. She had Soo.

"You don't have to go in if you don't want to, Taeyeon. It's a lot to take in in
one morning."
"I'm okay. I want to."
"Okay. We should find a parking space."
"Soo, you don't have to come in. I can get out here and take a taxi back to
Apex once I'm done."
"Hush. Tell you what, you go ahead inside and I'll be there as soon as I can."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Okay. Deal."
Sooyoung watched Taeyeon with concerned eyes as the little woman got out
of the car. So... tiny. It was funny how Taeyeon's sheer strength of character could
make men three times her size step back in a corporate board room. But on the
street, walking into the cinderblock and concrete structure, Taeyeon looked like
nothing more than a child. Really.
Soo looked around. There was a parking garage almost a full block back up
the one-way street. She'd just have to circle the block to get there.
That kkomah... coming here had struck Sooyoung as a bad idea. Beyond the
impracticalities of finding anyone who would remember Taeyeon's mother,
homeless shelters were depressing places to be, and Taeyeon was already dealing
with grief. It was too soon after her breakthrough or break down or whatever this
was. But the kid wanted it, and Soo was her friend.
Soo pulled back out into traffic as she wondered what Taeyeon was thinking.

185

12. Morning: Arrival

aeyeon walked slowly towards the glass doors of the single story
structure, its cast concrete construction of a style at least three decades
old. Perhaps it had once been a library or something similar, repurposed. Not quite institutional, not quite commercial. But old and
tired. That fit well enough.
The only splash of color was the short, red velvet dress of the Salvation
Army bell ringer. Santa's Minx instead of Santa proper. The form fitting dress was
trimmed at cuff, hem and collar with fluffy white fur, and a hat in like materials.
Long boots and belt were in shiny patent black leather, the red velvet gloves
completing the outfit. Perhaps this sexy blonde minx might have been a sign of the
season in some place more affluent, a mall maybe. But not set up a few paces to
the side of the shelter door.
The smile on the ringer's small face was all good humor and cheer, framed
by mid-length honey blonde hair in loose curls, coming out from under the pointed
Santa's helper hat, complete with a ball of fur at the tip. The woman suited a mall
or maybe a magazine photoshoot for one of those holiday gift catalogs. And she
had to be freezing. The tight dress ended at mid-thigh, well-toned thighs at that,
and was cinched around a small waist which didn't leave much room for layers of
anything but the velvet. But if the woman was cold, she did a good job of not
showing it. Taeyeon shivered for her. The woman called out season's greetings to
passersby, most of whom ignored her impossibly bright mood. But one of them,
dressed in layers of ratty, loose clothing smiled back, showing stained teeth, and
flipped a quarter into the black kettle.
'Merry Christmas!' The woman's voice was just as cheerful as her waving
and smiling.
Taeyeon put on a fixed smile, carefully not making eye contact. Truthfully
her expression was more a polite-but-please-ignore-me semi-grimace, something
she was a past master at using.
Taeyeon got a 'Merry Christmas!' from Santa's Minx anyway. She found the
bell ringer deeply out of place with the harsh reality of the run down
neighborhood, as out of place as the payphone hung on the outside of the shelter.
Well, the payphone made more sense. Not too many homeless carried cell phones,
did they? But then again, not too many homeless had people to call.
Forget about the payphone and Santa's Minx! Quit stalling.
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Taeyeon paused at the door, trying to see inside. Dim light didn't help, both
inside and out. A solid overcast held sway and made the interior an amorphous
threat, unfamiliar and dangerous, so at odds with the melodic ringing of the bell.
Taeyeon squared her shoulders and then paused again with her hand on the
door handle. What was she hoping to find here? A place she could never have
imagined visiting. And in Brooklyn, a borough of the city she'd been to on few
occasions. Most of the neighborhoods were ethnically concentrated and poor
which made Brooklyn a place that Apex had even less to do with.
Nervously she glanced at the happy woman in red velvet and some bit of
trepidation must have showed. The woman's smile grew a little more serious,
warming and encouraging. She nodded at Taeyeon as if to say, 'Go on. Do a good
deed.'
Taeyeon found the gesture oddly comforting and became annoyed at the bell
ringer for thinking that she needed it, and then more annoyed at herself because
she'd found encouragement in it. What was wrong with her today? Relying on the
kindness of strangers? Taeyeon Kim? Pfah!
But it was a shelter, wasn't it? Didn't everyone who opened this door feel the
same? A place where people relied on the kindness of strangers, where they went
to keep from freezing to death, to find something hot to eat...
Hadn't her mother felt the same thing?
There's a payphone right there, mom. Why... why didn't you call? Why did
you die alone? We weren't much of a family, but we were family. I...
It had been a ten minute drive. So close.
I'm sorry I didn't make room in my life for you. I'm so sorry.
Taeyeon drew a shuddering breath, almost a gasp, blinking her eyes, fighting
the tears. She drew another breath, letting it out slowly and then went inside.
The first thing to hit her was the warmth. It was a moist heat, almost humid,
organic. And it smelled of clashing odors. Food, indifferently washed humanity,
cleaners and disinfectants, none of it helped by minimal ventilation. There was a
soup kitchen along one side of the large main room, a line of people of all ages
shuffling through, and to the other side were hallways leading to bunks, large signs
segregating women and children from men.
People sat at the the dozen or so tables visible, some eating, some going
through their belongings or just resting. Most of them took no interest in her, not
looking up or away from their own concerns and memories. The few eyes that
found her took in her business attire, her youth, her promise and looked away.
Someone come to donate money. Not one of them. They dismissed her from notice.
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She didn't belong here.

It was quiet, the voices mostly muted. The loudest sound was the clatter of
utensils as food was served cafeteria style, plastic trays sliding down rails, the
workers behind the counter ladling and spooning the food.
A thin, older man, who was writing in a notebook, checking names of the
people filing by with their trays noticed her standing at the entrance. He passed his
paperwork to another worker and made his way through the line to Taeyeon. He
seemed as worn as the building, as the people waiting in line, though better
dressed than most of them. Gray hair stood out in a nimbus, his face lined and
tired, but when he smiled at her Taeyeon judged that smiling was the expression
his face was most used to.
She found herself smiling back, and not with her normal leave-me-alone
grimace.
"Hi, I'm Sam. I'm the manager here."
"Hello."
"Can I help you?"
"Uh... "
"Are you in any sort of trouble?"
"What? No. Why?"
"Oh. We get all sorts in here. Someone like you, you don't look too far down
on your luck, but sometimes we get women running away from abusive spouses,
boyfriends. Ex-boyfriends."
"No. I'm... visiting."
"Ah. Or that. This time of year we get a few people dropping off checks. The
Christmas spirit or people looking for tax deductions." He looked expectant,
hopeful.
Taeyeon asked, "Can... Can I ask you a few questions?"
Sam deflated a bit, then caught himself. Maybe she did need help and was
working up to asking. Pride was a funny thing in people. Some had had it beat out
of them, and hunger had a way of deflating it, but some folks would cling to it,
their self-image stubbornly defiant, refusing charity even as they froze to death.
She looked bothered by something. He nodded, "Sure. I'd invite you to my office,
but it's occupied." A family of four sleeping in it right now.
"T-That's alright. We can talk here. H-Have you been here long?"
"At Providence House? No. About three months."
"Oh. How about any of the other workers? Someone who was here this time
last year?"
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"I'm afraid not. The city likes to move us around."

"But... why?"
"It keeps us from playing favorites, 'working the system.'"
Taeyeon frowned. "System?"
"They're worried about corruption, people taking advantage of runaways and
stuff. Only takes one or two bad apples to ruin the barrel. Plus there's never
enough beds and when it gets busy, we can't be shy about asking people to leave.
Women with kids, the elderly, take precedence. Things like that."
"L-Leave? But. W-Where can they go?" It had never occurred to Taeyeon
that homeless shelters might not have room... for the homeless.
"The city has a whole infrastructure to help people up. Half-way houses,
social services, jobs programs. We're here to catch the ones all the way down, but
we have to move them on eventually, otherwise it'd get too crowded."
"I... see. It does seem... busy."
The man looked around the room, his smile fading to grimness. "Winter is
bad, and this time of year is always the worst."
"You mean Christmas?"
"No, I mean the end of the year. It goes downhill after Thanksgiving pretty
quick. The city's yearly budget always end up short. We've been down to breakfast
and a light supper for the past week. Thankfully most of these folks aren't here
midday." 'Besides,' Sam didn't say, 'It's tough eating lunch when someone's kids
are crying cause they're hungry.'
Children's voices intruded and Taeyeon turned her head. At one table, a
woman was struggling to keep two small children from hitting each other. A boy
and a girl. "Leah, Bobby, stop it!"
"That's mine! Give it back!"
"No! You took two! It's my turn!"
They were fighting over candy. M&M's. Taeyeon saw a small brown bag of
them on the table. Even as she watched, a flailing arm knocked them from the
table, scattering the little round chocolates to the ground. Instantly the fight was
forgotten and the two small children, no older than five or six knelt, picking up the
candy, stuffing them into their mouths, handily defeating the three second rule.
Their mother watched them and Taeyeon could see the woman's face twist in an
almost sob. She could see it, as if reading the woman's mind. The mother wanted
to tell her children not pick up candy from the floor, but they'd begged and begged
to have the last bag. From... Halloween? As if feeling her eyes the woman looked
up and then looked away just as quickly. Anger now and shame.
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The mother of two was feeling judged, that Taeyeon was judging her. No.
No. Taeyeon wanted to say something... but anything she said would only make it
worse.
Taeyeon looked around, at other people's faces. The people here, some of
them were alone, others clustered in pairs, a few children leaned against their
mothers or fathers, eyes staring at Leah and Bobby and their M&M's. More people
had taken notice of her and some of those looks were hostile.
Two tables over an old man sat alone, mumbling to himself, not looking at
his tray of food. Oatmeal with raisins, a cup of juice, scrambled eggs. He just
looked down at his lap, rocking slowly. His hands were dirty, wrinkled, large
knuckles and joints telling of arthritis, but competent hands, scarred and calloused.
Someone who'd worked hard in life. He wasn't looking at his tray, but at the
wedding ring on his finger. He rubbed the ring gently as he mumbled, and Taeyeon
knew he was talking to his wife, remembering her, remembering happier times.
Inside Taeyeon... something hurt.
Each table, each person was a different story. Misfortune, whether selfwrought or caused by circumstance, a precipitous fall or a slow march of
inevitability, these people... were lost. She saw their misery, their tiredness, their
hopelessness. Her mother had been just another forgotten story. These people
would also be forgotten in turn. Their struggles and pain simply background noise
in a city full of clangorous rush. Taeyeon felt her comfortable blindness, her
willful ignorance, of decades evaporating in the humid air of the shelter.
Focus, Taeyeon. She turned back to the man. "W-Was it bad like this last
year?"
"Well, I wasn't here at Providence House, but over at the Queens shelter I
was working at, we were down to just one meal a day. So yeah. Bad. It's this
economy. Everyone's on a tight budget."
Bad. Taeyeon had to pretend a cough before she could continue. "W-Would
anyone know of a particular person who was here a year ago? A sick woman.
She-- She died here."
Sam looked closer at the small woman. Ah. Family of the deceased. What to
tell her? He sighed. The truth was always better. His faced twisted into a grimace
as he asked, "Of natural causes?"
"Yes. Her heart."
"If the city collected her body and it wasn't a result of crime, no one here is
going to remember. The truth is, it's a rare week when someone doesn't die." Sam
looked at Mr. Gentry, talking to his dead wife instead of eating. He probably
190

wouldn't last the winter and he'd probably not care to. Fifty two years of
marriage... what was that like, burying your wife? Like losing half of yourself? Or
all?
"N-No one?"
"I'm sorry, miss. Like I said, we have people in and out of here on the staff
side. And there are a lot of volunteers doing community service for things like
drunk driving. These folks," he gestured at the hungry, waiting in line, "Are mostly
transients, here one day, gone the next. They're hard to get to know. A lot of them
are addicts or mentally unstable or they got dragged here by the cops on one of
their alley sweeps. They do that on freezing nights. It's not like the old days."
"Old days? What do you mean?"
"People aren't fixtures anymore. There's nothing to keep them in place.
When a person lives in the same house their parents and grandparents lived in, it's
like the old days, but who does that anymore? Too fluid. No... history, no
community. And when they don't have a home, well, society really can't be
bothered to listen or care."
Like me. "I see."
"What, uh-- were you looking for anything in particular?" It's a little too
late, isn't it?
"I don't know. I... something. Someone who spoke to her, or someone who
knew... we... I hadn't seen her in years."
"I'm sorry about that. But..." and he shrugged, his hands making a helpless
gesture
The door opened then and Sooyoung entered, her step sure and firm. A small
smile on her face when her eyes found Taeyeon just inside the entrance.
Some tightness, some weight of anguish seemed to lift from Taeyeon's
shoulders, from her soul. Taeyeon felt... better with Soo here. A friend in need,
Taeyeon?
Sam's eyes lit in recognition at the newcomer and his voice was welcoming.
"Ms. Choi! How are you? What brings you down here today? We weren't
expecting you back so soon."
Taeyeon looked back and forth, watching as Sooyoung extended her hand,
shaking the man's hand easily and with a hearty strength, a hail fellow, well met
quality that Taeyeon had never mastered.
"Sam. It's good to see you. I'm here with her. She's a friend."
Taeyeon asked, "Y-You know each other?"
Sam smiled broadly. "Ms. Choi is one of those people who cares. She's
191

always running fund raisers and special events for the kids, though usually over in
Manhattan. That's where all the big name events happen. She did the Thanksgiving
dinner here with her group of volunteers. We were pleasantly surprised, since
Providence is a smaller shelter."
"I-I had no idea." Taeyeon looked at Soo. She had one guess why Soo had
helped this shelter out, when there were dozens in the city. Seeing clearly was a
difficulty, and she took Soo's hand almost desperately, blinking to keep her eyes
free. Soo had already known there would be nothing to find here. She must have
asked, digging around when it became obvious that Taeyeon wasn't going to.
Sooyoung's smile was sad as she met Taeyeon's questioning look. Soo could
have told her in the office, in the car, but this was important to Taeyeon. To be
here. To begin the accounting of grief.
Taeyeon's voice was husky whisper, her eyes never leaving her friend. "Sam,
thank you for your time."
"I'm sorry I didn't have any information for you."
She smiled at him. His life was... a difficulty. "Still. I've learned some
things." About... what? Friendship? The obligations of family? Of missing the
train by a year and wanting to cry over it now?
"I'll be back in a couple of weeks, Sam, and I'll try to get the city council to
release some of the budget early."
"I know you will, Ms. Choi. It was good seeing you."
Taeyeon didn't let go of Soo's hand as they left. The air outside was cold,
stinging her eyes, making them water. Sure.
The ringing bell greeted them, but the sound of it was different, duller,
heavier. It was a man in a dark coat and not Santa's Minx doing the ringing.
Taeyeon took Soo's other hand in hers and looked up at her friend. "Thank
you."
"I'm sorry, Taeyeon. I was... too late. They'd already given her things away."
Of course Soo would apologize. And mean it. Taeyeon nodded, sniffling. "I
am a terrible person." She tried laughing but it came out as a sob.
Arms hugged her for a long moment and then warm hands cupped her
cheeks, shaking her head. "No. No. No. Learn from this, Taeyeon."
"What? What is there to learn?"
"To act when you can. She was already gone when you heard the news. But
life will give you many chances to get it right."
"... I don't have anything of her. Just memories of my scorn for her. That's...
tough to swallow."
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"C'mon, pipsqueak. Think positively. Make a difference now. It's never too
late."
"How?"
"Think on it. You have time. Go to some quiet place, somewhere that was
significant for your mother and try to talk to her."
Dad's grave. Taeyeon closed her eyes. Did she even know where he was
buried? Surely it was written somewhere. She would look. They'd had a house in
Huntington. Someone would know. Someone would remember. But. What about
those poor souls inside? Would someone look for them? Hurt for them? With
clearer eyes she looked at Sooyoung. What did she have? What did she know?
"Why do you care about them so much?"
"Huh?"
"The people you help?" Why did you help me?
"They're all brothers or sisters, sons, daughters, mothers or fathers. They
mean something to someone. Why shouldn't I care?"
Looking at Sooyoung, Taeyeon thought, 'I have so far to go. So much to
change.' She shivered.
"Cold?"
"Yeah."
"Have you eaten?"
"No. I couldn't. I can't."
"You can. Your body needs to eat."
At the mention of food her tummy twisted, demanding calories. It must have
shown on her face because Soo laughed. Taeyeon spluttered, "H-How can I be
hungry?"
"Being hungry is a good thing. It means you're not done with life. I'll buy
you breakfast."
"Carnegie Deli?"
"Carnegie Deli! I haven't been there in ages."
"Hold on. Can I ask you something?"
"Hmm? What?"
"Here. The shelter. Your charity work. Can I help? I mean... I know... it feels
like I'm trying a shortcut, how to be a better person, blah blah blah... but... I don't
know where to start."
"That is a start. That is a start, Taeyeon. And of course you can help."
"Can I-- How do I-- I'd like to make a donation here, in my mother's name,
but that's just to start. There's so much I want to do differently."
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Sooyoung frowned, tilting her head. "Let's think on it. Right now you're
going through some emotional times, and I don't want you to do something you're
going to regret later. So we'll take this one day at a time and I'll put some ideas
together that we can go over."
Soo doubted her? Soo thought... this might be a temporary thing? Well. It
was sudden, wasn't it? Enough to be half convinced she was going insane. Yes.
One day at a time. Taeyeon nodded.
"Do you want to come with me to get the car?"
"I'll... I'd like to stay here for a few minutes."
Sooyoung looked at Taeyeon. The kkomah was hurting. "Take your time. I'll
pick you up, right here." With a last hug Sooyoung headed back up the block to
fetch the Blue Comet from the parking garage.
Taeyeon became aware the ringing had changed again, the sound lighter,
happier, though it was just a simple bell. She caught a flash of red from the corner
of her eye. Santa's Minx was back. Back from her break? Did it matter?
Taeyeon wandered over to the Salvation Army kettle, the small smile grimly
applied. She dug into her purse for cash, remembering the coins she'd left on her
desk. Her fingers found a ten dollar bill and she dropped it into the kettle, feeling
horribly self-conscious all the while.
"Thank you." The woman's voice was as rich and warming as summer.
Taeyeon meant to turn around and walk away but she didn't. Instead she
asked, "Why do you set up here? It's so... " Poor.
The woman in her velvet dress smiled. Up close her face was a master work
of amused curves. Brown eyes incredibly caring... and happy. Huh. Taeyeon
blinked to keep from staring. Had she ever seen someone so... content? So
pleased? The woman's voice felt to Taeyeon as if she were being hugged. "Well,
my child, even the poor can give on a day like today."
"Today?"
"Christmas Eve. Think of it. How much more meaningful is it when
someone with only a dollar to her name puts in fifty cents?"
"I... suppose."
"I assure you, it happens here more often than it does in Manhattan, but
more, everyone, regardless of their means, should have the right to feel good about
themselves, don't you think?"
"Feeling... good."
"Happiness, my child. We hunt it, chasing it, desperate to buy it, but the
harder we search, the more we miss it. We look for it in the wrong places, when it's
194

already everywhere if we but have the eyes to see it, the heart to feel it."
"I-I don't understand."
"We carry happiness here." The woman tapped herself on her breastbone
with a small finger. "It is our right, our gift to others and ourselves."
Something made Taeyeon raise her hand and place it on her own chest.
Through her clothing Taeyeon couldn't feel her heartbeat. "Happiness." Taeyeon
wondered if there was a heart in her chest. She'd imagined it a stone for so long.
"You only have to look."
And Taeyeon did, compelled for some reason. Looking left and right, across
the street, back at the shelter. Only the grim reality of dingy concrete under an
overcast sky looked back. Even the cars in the fitful traffic seemed depressive.
Yellow taxis and buses, the occasional import, all rushing past in the morning,
carrying people onward to their lives elsewhere.
Happiness? Maybe, Taeyeon thought, it was like trying to explain a rainbow
to someone color blind.
She turned back to the woman and found the man in the dark coat looking at
her, the expression on his face one of vague unease. He said, "You okay, miss?"
"What?"
"You've been standing here for five minutes. Thank you for your donation.
You can go now."
Taeyeon blinked, turning a full circle, looking. No one else. "S-S-Sure.
You're welcome."
She was going insane. That's all there was to it, because there certainly
wasn't a woman in a sexy red velvet dress anywhere in sight.
In the distance, up the block, she saw Soo's Accord pull out and promptly get
stuck behind a taxi that had pulled to the curb to drop its fare off.
Taeyeon started to walk, blushing furiously. She should talk to a therapist,
before it got any worse. Up ahead the oncoming traffic thickened, and Soo put her
turn indicator on, trying to edge out, around the taxi.
Taeyeon frowned. Whoever the fare was, she was taking her sweet time
getting out. Finally a small break allowed Soo to swerve out and around and
Taeyeon slowed her walk. Maybe she should take the day off, after breakfast.
Just... what? Go back to her apartment? With its empty walls. It wasn't as if she
read or had a TV. Maybe Soo could be persuaded to come over... and keep her
company while she finished going insane?
Taeyeon sighed as Soo pulled up. Up the block the taxi was still there,
hanging up traffic, but finally the door opened and Jessica Jung stepped out.
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13. Morning: Departure

ooyoung saw Taeyeon slow her pace as the kkomah waited to be picked
up. She huffed, letting out the remaining fumes of her annoyance at being
stuck behind the taxi. Silly New York taxis thought they owned the city.
Driving in New York was bad enough with the thick traffic, it really didn't
need the swarms of yellow cabs with indifferent road manners to make it worse.
Then there were the bandits posing as meter maids and parking lot attendants,
raking in millions a day in fees and tickets.
Soo blew a strand of her wild hair out of her face. Well, she was certainly
paying her share today... but looking at Taeyeon waiting for her... it was worth it.
Something warmed inside of her as annoyance was forgotten. Looking at that
small figure, if one could get past the challenging aspects of Taeyeon's
personality... there was something so childlike about her friend. Simple. Taeyeon
liked simple. Like a child would. Taeyeon viewed the world as a polarized thing,
black or white, good or bad, beneficial or wasteful. When things were reduced to a
binary decision set, well, deciding was simple, wasn't it?
But perhaps Taeyeon was finally turning the corner and starting to see the
world from a humanistic perspective. People were never as cut and dried as all
that. They needed understanding. Shades of gray. Coaxing and cajoling, not
bludgeoning about their heads for their bad choices. Brute force was almost
always the wrong answer. Finesse, leverage, a smile, could all be factors in how
one dealt with people on a daily basis.
Soo was sure the kkomah was changing. Why and how remained up in the
air, but it would be something to see when Taeyeon ended up wherever she might.
Any place was better than Taeyeon's life to date, that was for sure, and the future,
if Taeyeon were open to it, could be a thing of promise and possibility. Hope. Soo
hoped for her friend.
Soo slowed the Blue Comet, after putting on the hazard lights, drawing
abreast of her partner. Taeyeon glanced at her, a weird expression on her face.
Indecision?
Soo frowned, gesturing, beckoning. C'mon, breakfast awaits!
So what if it was her second of the day. A girl needed calories to face
challenges and be supportive. Taeyeon was someone who needed a friend, today of
all days and Soo felt the responsibility of guiding her though the sudden
wilderness. Something warmed in Soo's tummy at the thought. Sitting in her
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Accord, Sooyoung wondered if this was something like she'd feel when she picked
up her own child in some distant future, from class or a sleepover. Yoona talked
about having one... or more and Soo had a hard time seeing it, a small body
running around in jumpers and sneakers or bare feet, breaking things, making
messes, a young mind asking questions... but if this... this feeling, right here and
now, this feeling of pride and uncertainty, of hoping and joy, of seeing the person
standing there waiting, someone she loved so much, waiting for her ride... if this
was what Sooyoung would feel... then it would be wonderful.
Only...
Something was wrong.
Taeyeon was simply standing there on the sidewalk. Taeyeon was looking up
the street, her expression one of... shock? What was going on? Soo rolled down
the passenger side window and raising her voice called out, "Taeyeon! Get in."
Taeyeon blinked, shaking her head. Was she seeing things? It was a fair
distance... but... that was Jung, leaning against the taxi, wasn't it? She even looked
like she was wearing the same nondescript clothing from yesterday. Something
happened to the thick overcast and light pierced the darkness, briefly illuminating
a section of the street and sidewalk around the taxi. Blonde hair flashed golden,
like an over-saturated print where the colors were so vivid they bled out the
background. Jung? But... it couldn't be. Taeyeon's feet answered Sooyoung's call
and took a step towards the Accord but uncertainty made her pause. Was she still
seeing things? Again?
Besides, what would Jessica Jung be doing here in Brooklyn in the middle of
the morning and not at the office working on the Henderson presentation?
Taeyeon shook her head, blinking at sight of the woman. She looked away,
to Soo's concerned expression. Her friend. In Soo was certainty and safety.
Taeyeon smiled awkwardly and finished closing the distance to the waiting car,
but as her hand closed on the handle she frowned, looking once more up the street.
It wasn't Jung. It couldn't be. It was just a coincidence her addled mind was
latching onto. Not Jung. But... the woman looked ill. Exhausted, drooping in her
stance. Taeyeon could see that clearly enough, even from this distance. The blonde
straightened after some seconds and then proceeded towards an open alley, her
step slow, almost staggering as the taxi accelerated down the street.
Was the woman drunk? On drugs? Something tugged at Taeyeon. Concern
for a stranger? Even if it was Jessica Jung, which made no sense, it would be none
of her business. Jung was near enough to a stranger.
A car got stuck behind Sooyoung and in the time honored tradition of New
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York City drivers, promptly lowered his window, laid on his horn and yelled,
"Hey! Get a move on!" The noise startled Taeyeon as the woman, the vision, who
looked like Jung, disappeared into the alley.
"Taeyeon? What's wrong? What are you looking at?" Soo looked in her rear
view but saw nothing untoward, except the angry driver, and that was as common
as brownstones in New York.
Snap out of it, Taeyeon! That was just a stranger. The driver behind
Sooyoung honked again, as if to emphasize the admonition.
Besides, Jung would be in the office if she was anywhere. Taeyeon shook
her head one last time. Seeing things. She was just seeing things.
"Taeyeon?"
"Sorry, Soo. I just... " Taeyeon closed her eyes and took a deep shuddering
breath. She needed food, and Soo. That was all. Just that. With a bone deep
weariness at the morning's tribulations wearing on her, Taeyeon got in the car.
"Are you okay?" Soo asked as Taeyeon buckled her seat belt.
"Huh? Yeah. I think. Just... hungry." Even though her body had forgotten to
be. Again.
"Carnegie Deli does a wicked omelet, and their bagels are great." Sooyoung
looked in her rearview, accelerating away from the curb.
"Uhh... S-Soo-- "
Soo threw a quick glance at Taeyeon and became alarmed at the stricken
expression she found. The girl looked as if she'd been gut punched, face as pale as
a ghost's and growing more so. Almost translucent. "Taeyeon? What's wrong?
Taeyeon!"
Taeyeon's mouth was open but no further sound came out.
For Taeyeon the sense of wrongness was immense and with every passing
second it grew worse, exponentially with every car length.
"Taeyeon? You're as white as a sheet. What's wrong?"
"Stop! Soo, you have to stop."
Soo's eyes flicked to her rearview mirror, and judged it enough room for the
driver behind her to adjust. She braked the Blue Comet to the curb and ignored the
chirp of tires and the outraged yell as the man swerved around her. "What's going
on?"
"Sorry! I-I-I have to go."
"Go? Where?"
"Out." Taeyeon looked helplessly at her friend. Wanting to explain but not
knowing what was wrong in the first place.
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"Why?"
"I saw-- Maybe I'm crazy, but I think I saw Jung."
"Jung? Jessica Jung from the office?"
"Yeah. Back there. She was in the taxi you got stuck behind."
"She was?"
"Yeah. I think. But. I've been seeing things."
"Like what?"
"What?"
"What have you been seeing?"
"The Salvation Army bell ringer."
"W-What about him?"
"Exactly."
"Taeyeon, sweetie, you're not making any sense."
"Soo. I have to go find her."
"For what?"
"I think she's in trouble. Even if it wasn't Jung, the woman looked like she
was in trouble. Staggering or something."
"This isn't a very good part of town, babe."
"I know!"
"Well, call her."
"Call?"
"Cell phone? You have one."
"I do! I don't have her number."
"Call the HR guy."
"I don't have his number."
"Whose number do you have?"
"Only yours. What?"
"You need more friends."
"That's hard."
"It's called trust, baby. You need some. Anyway, I can call him."
"Soo, I can't wait for that."
"You can't even wait for me to park? No. No, you can't wait. Look, it'll take
me a few minutes to catch up to you, but I'll try to call Jung in the meantime."
"I'll be down that alley, where the taxi was."
"B-Be careful, sweetie."
The endearments were oddly warming. Taeyeon gave Soo an apologetic look
and nodded, wanting another hug at the same time, but there was no time. Sorry to
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drag you into my insanity. And then she was out on the sidewalk, running flat out
in her sensible flats, her purse banging into her side with every other step. In a
minute she reached the waiting alley, panting, almost slipping on oil or ice as she
turned the corner.
She stopped and uncertainty weighed on her. The shout she'd readied herself
to voice came out instead as a small croak. Taeyeon had half expected to find the
woman collapsed at the mouth of the alley or a few dozen paces in at the most. But
there was no one in sight. A hundred feet in, in the dark reaches, the alley branched
and turned out of view. Damn!
But urgency still gripped her and she found a knot of anger in her belly. If it
was Jung, what was she doing going down an alley in this part of town? Taeyeon
would give her a piece of her mind, that was for sure. Girded by her temper
Taeyeon overrode the part of her that was strident in its alarm at this... whatever it
was she was doing and feeling. She took a step, then another, then faster and faster
until she was trotting as quickly as her footing would allow.
The harsh reality of the city was even more grating in the alley. Ice and half
melted snow lay against the corners, where asphalt met sealed brick. Even with the
cold there was the pervasively sour smell of garbage in the dumpsters that spotted
the alleyway and here and there were open grates that rumbled and steamed with
hidden boilers and maybe a subway passage.
The overcast had taken hold again and it almost seemed a twilight in the
man made chasms of brick, festooned with rusted fire escapes that reached
overhead like skeletal fingers. The windows were all barred, what few that
overlooked the alley, dark or painted black. It was impossible to tell. The only
things missing to complete the picture were scurrying rats.
Taeyeon shuddered and chided herself. Stop that! It's already bad enough.
Taeyeon came to the end of the first straight section and looked left and then
right. No woman. Which way? Where was the woman? Great. Just great. Pick a
direction and go, damn it!
Left.
Foot prints, tire treads, half melted puddles and the mist of subterranean
exhausts all muddled together before her step, the way slowly darkening, the open
sky seeming to recede with every step as the buildings became ever more alien in
cast. Like a labyrinth or a cave. A minute later she faced another branching. She
smelled a whiff of harsh smoke, rubber and plastic burning from the left one. But
both ways were equally dark and uninviting.
Right.
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Another branch. Left.

Finally Taeyeon's rushing steps faltered, slowed. This was insane. She was
no adrenaline junkie. She didn't like risk. Her steps came to a stop.
Move.
No. Why?
It's Jung.
I don't know that! And why am I trying to follow her? Was that her I saw?
Why would she even be here? This makes no sense. I make no sense. I'm talking to
myself! I'm getting out of here. I'm turning around and leaving.
What if it was her? She could be in trouble.
There's no if!
Hypothetically? Don't I want to change? Don't I want to... do something
good with my life?
Getting mugged in an alley?
Maybe keeping someone from getting mugged in an alley.
I don't even have my gun! I'd just be handing the mugger another purse!
But I'd be with whoever it was. We could get mugged together.
I'm insane. This is nuts. Crazy.
Yeah.
... Jung did look sick. She looked sick yesterday.
She said hospital, didn't she? All those insurance payments.
Taeyeon shook her head, determined to turn around, but her feet moved her
forward, deeper into the rat's maze of brick and smell and slush and dark. Taeyeon
turned another corner. For a sick woman Jung was either moving at a good clip...
or she was somewhere else in this labyrinth. How many turns had it been already?
Four? Five? What was that, a six percent chance of having picked the right
direction? Her ever helpful mind said six point two-five percent.
Taeyeon growled.
What if Jung was in the office, waiting for her?
Oh hey, Ms. Kim I thought you'd be in early for the presentation.
I'm just a little late.
You're never late.
I'm never late.
Taeyeon growled louder.
One last turn, just one more, and if I don't see her, then I go back. I tried. I
tried to care about someone. Isn't that enough?
... Damn it! One more.
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... Fine, one more.

... Okay, this is the last one! I swear!
There! She saw something, just a flutter of movement that vanished in the
next moment.
"Yah! Stop!" Taeyeon ran, turning a corner, another and then... a dead end.
What the hell! She spun around and saw another alley, partially blocked by a
dumpster, angling away. And down it, a woman running away. Running away.
Well, tottering. Taeyeon sighed. Great, the woman thought she was being chased
by someone... which, she was.
~~~
Jessica was hearing nothing but the roaring of thin blood through her ears,
panic and fear making her heart thunder, her mouth feel as dry as a desert. She was
already thirsty, her head ringing and pounding from the adrenaline rush. What was
going on? She'd heard footsteps, light and quiet... and following her. Some
drugged out mugger? A rapist? She didn't have time for this! And where was the
clinic? She couldn't even stop and look at her directions, only hurry as quietly as
she could, getting more lost.
Suddenly dizziness washed over her and color seemed to fade before her
eyes, darkness growing as the world wobbled. There didn't seem to be enough
oxygen in the air she was breathing despite the panting that she heard herself
doing. Which only made her thirstier than she already was. No time. No time. No
balance. No direction.
~~~
Taeyeon rushed down the almost hidden alley, a small part of wondering
what she'd say when it turned out to be a transvestite looking for a strip club,
because that made more sense than if it was Jung!
A small transvestite, scarcely taller than herself?
Oh, shut it! If she's in trouble, why's she running away from me?
Hello, Stalker. Stalk here much?
Quiet!
~~~

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The alley widened suddenly, the dark leavening somewhat. Jessica had to
pause, to catch her breath, her balance. When the world stopped wavering it was to
see a dead end. A... loading dock? She turned around, sound roaring again as her
heart panicked for her.
And then the world stopped as a body rushed out of the darkness at her.
A small body?
~~~
Suddenly Taeyeon found herself nose to nose with Jessica Jung. She gave an
undignified squawk, stumbling back a step in alarm while Jung blinked at her
slowly. Then the dratted woman closed her eyes and shook her head before
opening them again.
Taeyeon raised an accusatory finger. "You!" It was Jung, and she looked
terrible, face pale, eyes huge and ringed by darkness.
Like she's been using the last of her strength to run away from a stalker,
afraid for her life?
Shut up, you!
Jessica couldn't believe her eyes. Literally, could not believe them. Of all the
people to think about, she'd never have expected to see her boss, here. And
looking... somewhat unlike her boss. The woman had much larger eyes than she
remembered. Makeup? Ms. Kim... was actually... pretty? What an odd thought.
Jessica's body remembered needing to breathe and she found herself bent over,
hands on her knees, looking at the woman's shoes, a pair of sensible flats, much
like she wore. Though hers were spotted with Krystal's blood. That stopped her
breath, focused her and she straightened, to see Ms. Kim stop suddenly, as if she'd
been stepping forward.
Jessica couldn't interpret the expression on the woman's face. It-- it couldn't
be concern. Ms. Kim was competent and demanding, a force that moved the office
and her co-workers in one direction, forward. But Ms. Kim was not someone
who... cared about other people. Jessica shook her head. This wasn't important.
She had to get it together, she had to get to the blood bank. But her thoughts
wouldn't settle into anything coherent. What was happening? Her voice, for a
wonder, sounded normal when she asked, "Ms. Kim? W-What are you doing
here?"
Taeyeon spluttered. Why, indeed. "Never mind that. Why are you here? And
why were you running?"
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"I thought I was being chased. I guess I... panicked." Her boss? Ah. She was
supposed to be at the office... and so her boss... had come... looking for her? In an
alley? In Brooklyn?
Jessica wondered if her tired brain was playing a trick on her. She raised a
hand and scrubbed at her face, her eyes. The motion made her aware of the
bandage on the back of her left hand, and acutely aware of the feeling of tape on
her arms where the first two donations had come from. The clotting factor in her
blood was diluted and slow and so she'd left the bandages on.
"Hey!"
Jessica refocused on the smaller woman. Not a vision. Her boss was here.
For real. She pushed her hands in her coat pockets, feeling the paper with the
clinic's address and inadequate directions rustle.
"S-Sorry. I'm a little out of it."
Annoyance sharpened Taeyeon's tone as she asked again, "What are you
doing here?"
Jessica couldn't tell Ms. Kim anything. She couldn't risk being stopped. The
thought echoed emptily. Her exhausted brain trying to come up with some rational
excuse but failing miserably. "I... I have... something I need to do... here."
Taeyeon looked around. A loading dock? "What?"
Jessica tilted her head. Why was Ms. Kim here? Questioning her. This wasn't
the office. Jessica felt annoyance flare as her brain finally stumbled across a patch
of clarity. It wasn't any of the woman's business! "W-Why are you here?" Long
habit made her cross her arms, a barrier against the world. There'd been plenty of
people who'd tried to get to know her over the years, but she didn't have time in
her life for anything but work and Krystal and the work of taking care of Krystal.
"You followed me?"
Taeyeon was set back as the dazed look disappeared from the woman's face,
turning into something pointed and distrustful. "What? No! Well, yes. I was down
the street and I saw you get out of the taxi. I-I saw you going into the alley."
Which was the truth. "Y-You looked ill or out of it or something and-- and t-this
neighborhood is a dump." Taeyeon finished stronger. She gestured around them, at
the alley, at the neighborhood, at Brooklyn. "Y-You shouldn't be here."
"I live in this part of town, Ms. Kim."
"You're lying."
The woman's face grew cold in an instant, an eyebrow arching, and Taeyeon
found herself surprised, a small part of her found it more than surprising... almost
fascinating. This was Jung? The woman before her had a frosty demeanor, elegant
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and almost arrogant. Quite a departure from the mousy nonentity of yesterday.
Jung said, "No. I'm not. About ten blocks away in fact. Not everyone can afford a
Manhattan apartment." She said that last archly.
Taeyeon spluttered, flushing, "I-I know that. Anyway... y-you... should be in
the office, not running around back alleys."
It was Jessica's turn to hunch her shoulders, and she became aware the
bandage on her hand was plainly visible. She unfolded her arms and hurriedly
stuffed her hands back into her coat pockets. Ms. Kim's eyes hadn't noticed. "I-II'm not running around, and I'll go to the office soon. I just have something to do,
and what that is is none of your business." She almost winced as those words
escaped before she could stop them.
Taeyeon's lips grew tight. It really wasn't her business, was it? Still. It was
either bull ahead or look more like an idiot than she already felt. Anger at the
morning, at herself, at a world where up was down and turned around kept her on
point.
"I'm making it my business. You can barely walk straight."
"It was a long night."
Upon closer inspection Taeyeon confirmed her supposition. The woman was
wearing the same clothing from yesterday, the slacks wrinkled and... stained? And
Jung's face was near colorless, even her lips, and she wavered, swaying slightly,
her eyes blinking with uncertain focus.
Taeyeon's lips drew tight with asperity and disapproval. "Do you do drugs?"
Jessica thought she'd misheard. What? Drugs? The... gall of the woman!
"What did you say?"
"You're plainly not right, right now. Is that why you're here, skipping the
office... the health insurance... are you back here looking for your dealer?" It was
an ugly thought, and an even uglier accusation. Suspicion colored Taeyeon's voice,
that she was wasting her time with someone who was wasting her life. The
company had a strict drug policy, but beyond the initial drug test for new
employees the company didn't do further screening. People could fall into taking
that crap after being hired, couldn't they? Perhaps it was time to look at the drug
policy again. Yes, it would cost a bit, but drugged out employees weren't to be
tolerated.
Jessica's raised her voice as she answered the accusation, outrage
straightening her spine. Some small part of her enjoyed that she was looking down
at Ms. Kim. She couldn't do that to many people. Besides, of-- of all the things to
deal with. "No! I-I-- I have a job! I don't have the time or money to waste on
205

drugs." As if. She'd never gone out, never dated or socialized, much less desired
the sheer waste and self-destructiveness of a drug habit. Even if she were so
inclined, and she definitely wasn't, people took drugs to escape, and there was no
escapism allowed in her life. There wasn't time or money for anything but Krystal.
Krystal!
The blonde woman's blazing indignation rang true to Taeyeon, which both
relieved and surprised her. Relief that Jung wasn't... a waste of her time, and
surprise that a single denial would so easily convince her of the truth, because she
knew the woman wasn't lying. Knew it.
It was Taeyeon's turn to feel utter puzzlement. How... how did she know she
could trust Jung? Why did she believe this woman? She didn't know her. Why was
Jung even important? And why did Taeyeon care, when she'd never cared about
anyone before?
For the work? For the Henderson presentation? Taeyeon blinked. Well... yes.
Yes! Of course. "I-It's almost nine in the morning! W-When are you getting to the
office, and like that?" Taeyeon looked her up and down. Jung wasn't presentable.
Far from it.
"I... " Damn. Jessica deflated. Being confronted by her boss... here... what
was the woman even doing here? New York was a big city. One of the largest in
the world. What kind of chance would it take to recognize someone on some
random street? Something didn't add up. But it was her boss. Jessica felt the
dizziness worsening as the throbbing of her head grew but she fought it grimly. If
she stumbled again, Ms. Kim would never leave. "Look, Ms. Kim. I can give you
an explanation later, but right now I have to go. I'll run home and get changed then
go to the office, as soon as I'm done here."
Taeyeon felt a sharp expectation as she waited for the words 'I promise' to
come tripping out of Jung's mouth. She hated it when people said that and people
always did, and always lied when doing it. Only, Jung didn't say it. She just
nodded, lips tight, as if Taeyeon's silence was an agreement.
"No. I will have an explanation from you now. This is not a place you should
be."
Jessica sighed and closed her eyes, which only made the dizziness worse.
She opened them again, but had to squint at the almost blinding light of the gloom.
She had to get out of here, away from Ms. Kim. She had to help Krystal.
"Ms. Kim, I'm leaving." Jessica stepped past Ms. Kim's shoulder, walking as
quickly as she could.
For a moment Taeyeon did nothing, disbelieving that Jung had simply
206

dismissed her. Couldn't the woman see that she was having an existential crisis
here? The dismissal stung, even though she should have felt better. Jung wasn't
passed out in the alley, wasn't buying drugs, wasn't lost... sort of. And she wasn't
questioning Taeyeon's presence, which should have been a huge relief. She should
let Jung go, and be thankful the word 'stalker' hadn't come up.
She should.
But dissatisfaction at the situation and anger at the dismissal roused Taeyeon
to action, made her voice hard as she said, "Don't you walk away from me, I
haven't finished talking!" But the woman wouldn't stop walking away. Taeyeon
took three quick steps and reached her hand out, grabbing Jung's coat sleeve.
Jessica was jerked to a stop, turned half back, but it was the unexpected noise that
froze her. There was a ripping sound as threads let go in the threadbare garment
and the sleeve came half off at the shoulder seam. Taeyeon gasped in horror and
she jerked her hand back.
Jessica's mouth dropped open. Her coat! This was her only winter coat,
almost ten years old. Her mother... a lifetime ago... shopping at the mall. Happier
times. It was just a coat, but... it was one more thing on top of everything else. She
bit her lip to keep it from trembling. Tears stung, but she blinked them away. It's
not important! She looked up at the shocked woman and said in a soft voice, "Ms.
Kim, I have to go."
Taeyeon took a step closer, reaching but afraid to touch, to do more harm.
"I'm sorry! I-- "
The world was wavering and her own voice sounded so distant. "It's an old
coat. You didn't-- It was an accident." Jessica let out a breath and put on a brittle
smile, fighting tears, she said, "Thank you for coming back here, for caring. I... I
know this all looks suspicious and dangerous but I'm fine. Really."
Taeyeon didn't know what to say. So far, she'd played the stalker, accused the
woman of buying drugs, called her neighborhood a dump, torn Jung's coat,
harassed her about the stupid presentation and still, still, the woman was being
gracious and understanding.
It was maddening.
She just wants to get away from me. I'm a walking nightmare.
No! I just-- I just want to help!
How? I don't know the first thing about helping anybody!
"I don't know."
"Excuse me?"
"I-- I'll buy you a new coat."
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Oh, reaaaal smooth. I'm so good at making nice.

Shut it!
There was a catch in Jung's voice as she said, "Y-You don't have to. It's not...
important." But it was. A memory she didn't want right now came surging out of
the dark. Looking at the image of a younger version of herself, holding the coat in
front of her, over her shoulder the mirror image of her mother smiling. Her mother
who would be dead in a handful of days.
Mom! This one! It's my size and the color I wanted.
Wool?
Yes, it's warm!
Let me see the tag. Burberry? Ouch. That's more than I told your father I'd
spend.
Pllleeeeaaaase?
Try it on... Hmmm. It does sit well, and that's the length you wanted?
Yes!
Well, you're not growing anymore, so you'll wear this for more than one
season, I suppose.
Uh! I still might!
You might fill out, but not up. You haven't added an inch in the last two
years. Krystal is going to be taller, I think.
That's so unfair... but, I can get the coat?
Yes. Yes.
Yes!
Taeyeon wanted to say something, anything, but nothing came to her. Jung
just stood there, nodding silently, blinking her eyes. Something was wrong with
them. Was... she crying?
"Oh." The sound was small, and it came from Taeyeon involuntarily as the
woman's face crumpled, her chin tight and dimpling as she cried for a few
moments. Taeyeon didn't know what to do. She'd caused this and finding a way to
make it better was beyond her.
After ten endless seconds Jessica swallowed, shaking her head, brushing the
cold tears away. "It's okay."
Taeyeon's voice was small, a pout forming when she said, "We can go to a
store... "
Jessica found herself looking at the woman who made everyone at Apex
jump when she said 'frog.' Ms. Kim looked on the verge of tears herself. That was
almost a stranger thing than meeting her in a back alley. Trolls were supposed to
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be made of stone, no matter how cute. Jessica smiled. Ms. Kim, task master and
terror of the office, looked like a contrite child. Jessica barely heard herself over
the pounding of her head, so very distant, when she said, "There's no need. I'll
mend the tear when I get home."
"Oh." Taeyeon said again. It was all she could think to say. She was so out of
her element, trying to help a woman who didn't want or need it. Soo would have
done better, would have talked Jung into accepting... Soo! She was on her way. If
she didn't get lost. If Taeyeon could hold Jung here long enough until her partner
found them, then Soo could convince Jung to... what? Not go? To let Taeyeon
make amends? To actually let Taeyeon help? But what to say? And what sort of
help could she give? Jung no longer looked as if she was going to pass out. She
looked rock steady behind her smile. Her very unmousy smile. Jung, even as tired
as she looked, was more than pretty.
When had she become more than an office functionary?
In desperation Taeyeon threw the first words that came to her. "C-Can I buy
you breakfast?"
Taeyeon and Jessica both blinked. It would have been hard to pick who was
more surprised by the offer.
Jessica found herself smiling then, a genuine thing. Humor on a day like
today. Well, Ms. Kim was... sweet. Jessica shook her head. Any other time. "I have
to go. Okay?"
Taeyeon could only nod. Failure was an acrid ache, riding her shoulders,
whispering in her ear... though what she was failing she couldn't understand.
But she didn't need to understand why. She only needed to know that she
wasn't what Jung needed. Yes. That was it. She didn't fit in anyone's life. Couldn't
fit. She was ill formed, misshaped by her history of voluntary isolation. It was
indefinably depressive and bittersweet, this taste of realization. Chasing after the
woman, cornering her, questioning her... she couldn't see the sense of her own
actions. Futility refined, condensed, soaked. She shouldn't have tried. Like
reaching out to her reflection and not seeing the mirror answer and then realizing it
wasn't a mirror, but a stranger looking back through the frame. Who was she today
to suddenly understand the abject failure of her life?
Soo thought she had hope? Soo was crazy.
Jessica nodded one last time and turned and kept on turning... no, that was
the world spinning...
Taeyeon found herself moving, unconscious of having made the decision, to
catch Jung as the blonde's eyes rolled back and her knees gave way.
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The next moments were confused motion and a gasp, but whose?
Momentum, inertia, weight and impact followed and then stillness as Taeyeon
found herself on the ground, flat on her back, under Jung. Taeyeon struggled to sit
up and managed to get Jung mostly on her lap, though the woman sprawled
inelegantly in her faint.
Taeyeon's breath caught. It was a faint, wasn't it? Was Jung breathing?
She was. Taeyeon gasped. Jung was unconscious. Unconscious? That was
bad. This was bad. Taeyeon looked around, drawing breath to call out for help...
and realized there was no one to hear. Not in this back loading dock, and anyone
who did hear would probably not be someone she'd want help from!
Two more things she became aware of in the same instant.
Her butt was soaked and freezing! And her phone was ringing! Soo!
Taeyeon freed a hand, but almost lost Jung to the slushy pavement in her
struggle. The woman was an untidy bundle, limbs utterly loose and limp.
Phone! She found her purse sitting on its side next to her and she dug
through it awkwardly, feeling for the hard rectangle of ringing plastic and metal.
Nothing. Phone? Where? Her pocket! She'd stuffed it in her pocket. Which she
was sitting on.
More struggle to pull her sodden coat pocket out from under her freezing
thigh. A shiver hit her. Bloody hell. Catch an unconscious woman and get pinned
in a puddle of slush.
She tore her eyes away from Jung's still face to look at the damp cell phone
screen. Soo's ID. She swiped the answer bar. "Hello!"
A garble of digital static answered. Oh, what the hell? Taeyeon looked up at
the towering brick and concrete that surrounded her. No windows, no one to see
her predicament. Had the water screwed the phone up? Or was it this alley?
"Soo! I don't know if you can hear me, but I'm in a loading dock, way back,
uh, to the left. There's a bunch of turns. Anyway, I've got Jung, but she's passed
out! Call 9-1-1. Hello? Soo? Damn it!"
No more static.
"Soo? Hello?"
When she looked at the phone again the screen was dark. Dead battery?
Shorted battery? It didn't respond to the power button. Dead phone. Stupid waste
of money! How about a waterproof phone that worked in alleys? That would be
worth buying!
Jung's purse was by her foot. She'd have a cell phone. Probably. Taeyeon
hooked the strap with her shoe and dragged it to her. Her questing fingers found a
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cold rectangle. What they pulled out was a Hershey's Bar.

Taeyeon wanted to laugh. And scream. And curse. Now? Now life gave her a
candy bar?
She upended Jung's purse on a small drift of crusted snow. And there was
Jung's phone, amid a pile of juice boxes and more candy bars. And it too was dead.
Taeyeon found her teeth chattering when she tried to give voice to righteous
indignation. Nothing that she needed, when she needed it. "W-Why? Why, world?"
Silence. There was no answer. No sound but her shuddering breath.
Taeyeon shook the unconscious woman, perhaps not entirely gently. "J-Jung!
Wake up!" The woman's first name came to her suddenly. "J-Jess-sica J-Jung, are
you alright? Jessica!"
Jung's blonde head lolled limply on her white neck, her face so pale as to be
translucent, but there was no other response. Taeyeon shivered violently. Soo was
going to find a frozen Taengsicle when she got back here. She and Jung might both
freeze to death if Soo got lost.
What to do? She had to get out of this puddle! And that was going to take
some doing, pinned by Jung's dead weight. Taeyeon grunted with effort, almost
throwing Jung on top of the crusted snow next to the wall. She scrambled up, her
hands cramping with cold. She looked around. Nothing. No shelter. No where to
go with Jung. Taeyeon cursed. A single word. Then she felt foolish wasting the
energy. Jung was going to freeze unless she got her off the ice. Taeyeon looked
down at her soaked legs, feeling the weight of her wet coat. Shucking her pants
wasn't an option, but her coat?
She took her coat off, folding it, setting it dry side up next to Jung. Sitting on
it made her groan as it pressed her sodden seat against her. Her goosebumps were
getting goosebumps! The next thing took every bit of her strength, the cold
making her clumsy as she wrestled Jung out of her torn coat and back onto her lap.
Of course Jung only had on a thin blouse and slacks. "W-Would it have killed you
to put on a s-sweater?"
Pulling Jung's legs up, Taeyeon leaned against the cold brick wall and
arranged Jung's long, mostly dry coat over the unconscious woman and her own
legs.
"J-Jessica!" The woman's lips were so pale, her light blonde hair adding to
the impression of colorlessness. Jung could have been a statue. Taeyeon put a hand
on a still forehead, a smooth cheek. Jessica's skin was as cold as marble. This
wasn't working, and her own shivering wasn't helping at all, the icy brick of the
wall leeching what little warmth remained in her. Taeyeon pulled her back away
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from the brick, but the draft of cold air that surrounded her felt no better. The only
warm thing about her were the tops of her thighs where Jung's weight pressed
down. What to do?
Shared body heat, wasn't that what they did in movies? Always some
awkward romantic crap with hypothermia. There was nothing romantic about
hypothermia! Taeyeon bent closer, lifting the old coat, pulling it around herself,
and somewhat over her head, only leaving her back and Jung's lower legs exposed.
Did every person she know have to be bigger than herself? Well, Jung wasn't too
bad, though she was certainly curvier.
In the semi-darkness Taeyeon finally found some solace, even though her
back and tummy and arms ached from the strain of all the wrestling. She arranged
Jung's arms closer and then she hugged the unconscious woman, her face in the
hollow of Jung's neck. Bloody awkward... but warmer.
After a minute Taeyeon found that she wasn't shivering, a combination of
strenuous activity, her insulating coat acting as a seat, and their shared body heat
providing some relief inside the makeshift tent of Jung's coat, even if her butt was
frozen, her legs numb and her back sore.
Taeyeon risked moving the coat, exposing a gap so she could peek out and
listen for Soo. Nothing.
She should try to wake the unconscious woman.
"Jessica?" Taeyeon shook her gently, reaching a hand and patting a cheek.
Slowly breathing. That was good. Breathing was good. Pulse? She put her hand
over Jung's heart, pressing against surprising curves. A lot curvier than herself. She
couldn't feel a heart beat, and she couldn't very well stretch her neck long enough
to listen. Jung's neck? Pulse? Her fingers felt an indifferent flutter there, on either
side. Erratic? She compared it to her own. Her pulse was quite a lot stronger.
Because the woman was utterly relaxed and Taeyeon was tensed, holding her?
Hmm.
Jung's heart seemed weak, her blood pressure low. Taeyeon found a piece of
plastic tape on the back of Jung's hand. Gauze? As if the woman had had blood
drawn. Blood test? The pulse along her wrist was no better than her neck.
Hypotensive. Anemic? She was certainly pale enough.
Why was she unconscious? Illness? A seizure? Epilepsy? Taeyeon glanced at
the pile of Jung's belongings... no pill bottles. No medicines. Jung would
understand if Taeyeon looked through her belongings. There was no way to help
the woman without knowing more. She felt in Jung's coat pockets, patted the small
pockets on her slacks. Nothing, only a piece of paper with... blood donor services?
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Well, that explained the tape and gauze stuck to Jung's hand. Would an ill person
give blood? A tired person could, and the woman had said she was tired. But tired
wasn't unconscious. What were these stains on her pant legs? Taeyeon touched
one, dried and dark. Rusty powder on her fingers. Taeyeon sighed. Jung was
breathing and starting to warm and that was about as good as she could hope for,
short of the woman waking up.
Nothing to it but to wait for Soo.
Taeyeon listened hard to the city, hoping to hear Soo shouting, or anything,
really, but silence continued to weigh heavy on this piece of New York City.
Taeyeon started talking quietly to Jung. Perhaps it was her brain trying to sort
itself and the day. Perhaps it was because the silence was making her uneasy, the
enforced intimacy with another person, a false thing to be sure, but she'd never
been this close to anyone but Soo, and that only today. The silence just made it
weirder.
"You should wake up. What if I hadn't come here? What if you'd passed out
on the ice? Well, if I hadn't chased you, and stressed you out, you might not have
fainted. I suppose. I'm really sorry about your coat. But regardless, you shouldn't
be here. What could be so important?"
Jung of course didn't even twitch. Out. Cold. Though she was warm now.
"Look, I'm sorry. Hah. Sorry? You're the second person I've apologized to this
decade. You should feel honored. Of course you should take that apology with a
chunk of salt. What am I doing? Do you want to know why I followed you? I'd
like to know myself. I-I'm a terrible person. I was going to fire you. For no good
reason really. I even liked your peas. I thought they were cute. I never said that to
anyone. I should have. But... I'm trying to do better, be better. I will admit, I'm not
very good at it. I need practice."
Taeyeon nodded. Practice. Make the first person she'd tried to help faint.
Yeah, lots of practice.
"This is funny, isn't it? I don't really know you. Just another employee, a
good employee, besides what you're doing with your health insurance. What's
going on with you? You never passed out in the office. At least, I don't think you
did. Do I make you work too hard? Things will be different. I promise. Forget
about the Henderson thing. We can push that back to January. You should... rest.
You are resting. But. Not on my lap. My legs are falling asleep and my arm is
cramping. You picked a horrible place to pass out. The old me wouldn't have seen
you. I normally just stare at the sidewalk, so that I don't have to see people. But
today is all different. Look at how different I am. I chased you back here. I never
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would have done such a thing before today. I never think about much besides
work. Today's been... I told my best friend that I love her, for the first time. I've
known her for almost a decade, though I didn't know I knew her for the first two
years. That's a long story. She's the best friend I never knew I had. I was going to
cut her out of the company. Soo's not cut out for business. She's all heart. Hah. I
guess you could say I was going to cut out my heart. I would have done it, and
not... maybe I wouldn't even have missed her. I certainly haven't missed my heart.
I've cheated myself for so long. Before today.
"Do you have family? You have a name. I call you Jung. Like me saying a
first name is a... what, acknowledging a commonality of humanity? Feeling as if I
have to relate to people as people? But I should. People have feelings, and
feelings, I am learning, are important. I'm Taeyeon, and you're Jessica. Pleased to
meet you. Gack. That's just... so not me. Look, goosebumps. And I'm not even
cold. Though I think my butt's gone numb. Jessica. Is that... am I being
presumptuous? I need the practice. Jessica. The old me would have frowned if
someone called me Taeyeon. But that's my name. It's got a lot more personality
than 'Ms. Kim' I think. My father gave me my name. Wow. That's the second time
I've thought of him today, when I don't even remember what he looked like. I just
remember my mother being happy when he was alive.
"Is... someone waiting for you at home? Wondering why you're out? A
husband? A boyfriend? A pet? I hope it isn't a cat. Cats are fine, but cat people
are... Miriam, you know her? My secretary. She's a crazy cat lady. But she's... she
decorated the break room... I think. Who else would do that? I certainly never
approved any sort of budget for it. Someone bought tinsel and decorations out of
their own pocket and took the time to do that. Miriam's a nice lady. I was going to
fire her too.
"Is someone missing you now? Is someone... worried for you? Your phone's
dead. My phone's dead. It's like we're the only two people in the world right now.
And you're not talking. I wish you'd wake up and tell me what's wrong with you. I
wish Soo would find us. She asked me not to fire you, at least not during the
holidays. You see how terrible I am? How far I have to go? It's... what did she say?
'It's going to be a lot of work and a lot of time.' I think that's what people mean
when they say, 'It's a process.' I always thought that was bunk. Crap. Just people
being weak and silly and stalling about things. Just do it. That's how I always did
things. It didn't matter how hard it was.
"I used to think I was smart. But I realize I've gone through most of my life
blind and deaf and dumb. Life should be more than what I have. Work. Do you
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know, I imagined a Santa's helper today? Like had a conversation with an

imaginary person. It's been a strange morning. Anyway, my imaginary friend told
me that we carry happiness here, in our hearts and that we only have to look to see
it. Something you'd tell a child, but as an adult, what do we remember of being a
child? It's trite, meaningless. Like, 'everyone is your friend.' We learn that. But
then we grow up, and we find out that people are only in it for themselves. People
are selfish. That's what life teaches us. But then today, I wake up and realize my
best friend has always been there for me. That she's tried to help me every day for
years. That she remembered my mother when I didn't.
"My mother... she died not far from here. That's how I saw you, visiting the
place where she died. I hadn't spoken to her in years, basically written her out of
my life. You see, I tried to forget that I had a childhood, because it wasn't a very
nice one. I was always aware of how much I lacked, and I thought I could erase it
by being successful as an adult. So I worked and worked, and I see now that I
never came any closer to being whole. Just alone. And wow. I'm glad you're not
hearing this. I sound like my name should be Self and Pity.
"Do you always sleep this hard? At least buy me a drink first before passing
out on top of me. Hah. Humor. I fail at a lot, I realize. You've got really nice skin.
But you have bags. I guess you need your sleep. You should definitely take better
care of yourself. And you should dress warmer. And eat better. What's with all the
junk food?
"You should wake up and tell me to mind my own business. Jessica, won't
you wake up, please?"
Brown eyes opened then. Large brown eyes that focused after a beat.
Taeyeon found herself holding her breath, her nose inches from Jessica's.
"Who-- What... what happened?"
"You passed out. I caught you, barely."
"Oh. Oh!" Jessica struggled weakly to sit up, but Taeyeon held on. Too
easily.
"Stay still. Are you okay?"
"I-I'm fine."
"No. You're not. Okay people don't faint like you did."
"I'm sorry."
"What's wrong with you?"
"I'm just really tired."
"Do you want to go to the hospital?"
"Hosp-- " Jessica gasped and she was looking elsewhere, her eyes
215

unfocused, her face turning even more pale. A frown of her brows, chin dimpling,
lips twisting... just for a moment.
Taeyeon could have almost imagined it a product of the light and her
imagination but she knew. Raw pain, anguish, deep and unbearable showing on a
face of someone who hurt for another. It shocked Taeyeon, made her heart stutter
in alarm. "What? What's wrong?"
"I have to go."
"No! Go where?"
"I have to go help my sister."
"Sister?"
"She's sick. That's why I'm here. To help her."
"Oh." Family. Jessica was trying to help her sister. When she was obviously
unwell, here she was, trying to help her sister. Taeyeon felt her heart breaking all
over again, echoes of grief for her mother tolling loudly. She'd abandoned her
mother to die alone, never thinking of her until today, a year too late. Feeling
frozen to her soul, Taeyeon helped Jessica to sit up. She couldn't hold onto Jessica,
couldn't help her, couldn't stop her. Not if Jessica was trying to help her family.
Jessica felt the small hands around her waist steadying her, gently, but with
surprising strength, helping her to get her footing on the ice and slush. But her legs
seemed to be lacking bones when she tried to stand. She tried to stand again, to get
her feet under her. Tried, but she fell back, her head swimming, her side pressed
against Ms. Kim's chest. Jessica became even more furiously aware she was sitting
on her boss, squirming on her lap. Oh. My. God. Her face tried to heat, but in this
instance, all the blood she'd given made it a difficulty. Thank God.
Taeyeon held her, patiently waiting, her breath pained in her own chest, her
heart burdened. Some part of her knew the coat had fallen aside to remind her that
yes, it was winter. But the cold couldn't take warmth she didn't have. Her heart was
a frozen thing, a lead weight.
Jessica breathed for a few moments, eyes closed, waiting for the dizziness to
subside, finding the cold air helping to clear the cobwebs from her brain.
Something else she became aware of was the strange comfort in being held. How
long had it been since someone had held her? She couldn't remember. And how
long had Ms. Kim held her in her faint? Sitting on ice? Oh, the shame of this. But.
Ridiculously, an odd thought wandered through her head. Her boss had a nice lap.
Jessica!
"I have to go."
"I know. Your sister."
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Jessica stood, slowly and Taeyeon let her go once the woman had her
balance. Loose sleeves moved as Jessica pulled her hair back, and Taeyeon caught
sight of stains on the inside of Jessica's elbows. More blood drawn? What?
Taeyeon stood, moving stiffly. She took one of Jessica's sleeves and
buttoned it, then the other. Jessica shivered, but she watched Ms. Kim's fingers
hover over the stains on her sleeves, saw the lips compress, but thankfully the
question remained unasked.
Ms. Kim picked up her torn coat, brushing snow from it and held it so she
could put it on. Ms. Kim had soaked pants, gray wool showing darkly. "Aren't you
cold?"
Taeyeon blinked. It felt as if it wasn't her body moving, sorting Jessica's
belongings back into her purse. Juice boxes. Candy bars. Something wasn't right
here.
But she had no right to tell Jessica anything. "I'm fine. I have a sweater."
Taeyeon handed her the purse. "Your cell phone is dead. I was going to call for
help, but my phone is dead too."
"Oh. I forgot to charge it."
"Can I call anyone for you? Later, I mean?"
"There... there's no one. Just... "
"Don't worry about work. Take care of your sister. Go."
Jessica felt in her pocket for the directions, heard the paper rustle more than
felt it with fingers that seemed to belong to someone else. Everything felt unreal.
She'd sat on her boss. Jessica blinked, looking at Ms. Kim. Yes, that was her boss...
but Ms. Kim's face seemed so pale, and bothered. She must be freezing.
Their eyes met and Jessica saw something sad there on the shorter woman's
expression. A stray thought intruded. She couldn't say how she knew, but Ms.
Kim's pursuit of her into this warren of alleys meant something... profound for the
other woman. Ms. Kim had come back here looking for her, that much seemed
true. But she was looking for something more meaningful than that. What?
Jessica's brow knit, her tired mind spinning in jittery circles. If only she
wasn't so tired. "Ms. Kim?"
"Y-Yes?"
"Can I take a rain check on breakfast?"
Taeyeon's eyes widened, surprise sweeping numbness away. Jessica was
smiling at her. Taeyeon nodded. "S-Sure. Anytime."
Taeyeon watched as Jessica Jung walked away to help her sister. Taeyeon
watched until the dark alley swallowed the woman, the sound of her footsteps
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becoming a memory. She stood there until she started shivering again, picturing
the woman's blonde hair fading into darkness over and over again.
It didn't mean anything, Taeyeon told herself, more than once. But
something inside of her hurt, that Jessica hadn't looked back once.

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14. Morning: Commencement

he cold finally roused Taeyeon to movement. She looked around at the

alley, the loading dock. What was here for her? She'd tried and failed to
help someone, and if she was being truthful with herself, she'd made it
worse for Jessica. In short, she'd done nothing but make a fool of

herself.
What did I expect? What did I think would happen?
Taeyeon blinked. Change. It wasn't an easy thing to grasp, was it?
Shivering struck harder, her teeth getting in on the act. Her cable knit
sweater couldn't make up for her soaked seat and legs.
Taeyeon looked at her forlorn coat. Perfectly serviceable, if old. In better
shape than Jessica's worn garment, but she didn't dare to put it back on. It was
heavy with icy water and would be the death of her. Even carrying the thing back
out to the street seemed an onerous burden. She picked it up and tossed it in a
dumpster and grabbed her purse, putting her dead phone back in it.
Something... the coat she'd just thrown away meant nothing. Certainly she'd
never shed a tear over it. Cloth and insulation and fasteners. Things. But Jessica
had shed tears, been horribly upset. Not for the coat, but something it tied to. A
memory? Had it been a gift?
Despite the shivering that wracked her, Taeyeon's movements were rote,
unthinking, her eyes unseeing as she slowly walked back the way she'd come,
away from Jessica Jung and the emotional burdens the woman carried.
Taeyeon stopped, looking back towards the alley that had swallowed Jessica.
Helping family, a thing Taeyeon had never done. She'd run away from her
responsibilities, from her mother, seeking a better life. And here Jessica Jung was,
running to help her sister.
Of course a person like that wouldn't need any sort of help from someone
like Taeyeon. From someone who didn't care about anyone. Even her own mother.
Insanity to think so.
Then why? Why did she see blonde hair turn to black? Her hope to make a
difference, to become someone better, becoming a dark silhouette that turned a
corner and disappeared. Again and again.
Part of her, most of her, wanted to chase after Jung. No. Not Jung. Jessica. A
person. Not the employee, but the woman who was helping her sister beyond the
limits of her body.
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Taeyeon blinked. Jessica's sister... was ill. What could Jessica be doing back
here to help her sister?
Did it matter? She was probably laughing somewhere at the awkwardness
her boss had presented. She'd tell her office mates that the little ogre was coming
unhinged. Be careful, she might be following you!
Taeyeon colored, despite the shivering. To be a laughingstock, when she'd
promised herself that that would never happen again! That she would never be
ashamed of herself, her actions, her stature in the world...
This was what came of wanting to change. Being vulnerable. Depending on
the kindness of others.
"Taeyeon!" Soo's voice.
Taeyeon couldn't bring herself to answer. She didn't deserve a friend like
Soo. She couldn't change. It was too great a thing, too hard to imagine, too easy to
fail at. Indecision froze her, and freezing made thinking slow.
That's how Sooyoung found her friend, shivering madly and mutely in the
middle of an alley.
"Oh, my God, you idiot! What are you doing?"
Taeyeon looked heartbroken when she said, "F-F-Freeezing."
Sooyoung opened her coat and moved to wrap Taeyeon in it, but the silly
fool shook her head, stepping back in a stumble. "D-D-Don't. I-I-I'm soaked. R-Ruin you-r-r c-coat."
"Shut up and come here!" And then Taeyeon was engulfed in a cashmere
wool and cotton darkness, pressed against the tall length of her warm, warm
friend.
That's when the shivering became really bad and Sooyoung looked down
with alarm as Taeyeon became something like a boat motor with a crooked
propeller. Small arms wrapped around her waist and the idiot ogre buried her face
smack into Sooyoung's chest, squeezing her eyes shut and squeezing Soo's waist in
something like desperation to keep from shaking herself loose.
For Taeyeon, doubts fled, thought fled. The world was Soo's thin but warm
body, giving comfort and support, and strength. For long moments, until the
shivering subsided, Taeyeon remained burrowed and Soo let her remain in place,
wondering what had gone on while she parked and walked and called Jung's cell
and Taeyeon's cell and looked through twists and turns, worrying all the while.
"Are you okay?"
Sooyoung felt Taeyeon's face shake side to side between her breasts. Even
though it was not the time or place for it, Soo had to smile as she looked down at
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the top of Taeyeon's head. This kid. This dear little idiot child of a woman.
"Was it Jung?"
A nod this time. That tickled. To keep from laughing out loud Soo squeezed
Taeyeon tighter.
"My nowth!"
"Sorry."
Taeyeon's pale face leaned back and she frowned a pout at her tall friend
before ducking back into her. So cold. That was the world. It was a cold
unforgiving place outside of Soo's arms. And it wasn't like she could always run
into Soo's arms, was it? Soo had a life of her own. A love. A famous girlfriend who
might whisk her away to sunny Malibu... which would be par for course, wouldn't
it? The world wouldn't change just because she wanted it to. She couldn't expect
Soo to always drop everything when she needed her. It wouldn't be fair to her
friend if she clung to her. Though, God, Soo felt like the only place and thing in
the world that was keeping her sane at the moment. Just another few moments.
Please. I'll get it together.
Soo forgot humor as she looked down. There was almost an animal intensity
to Taeyeon at the moment. Taeyeon wasn't crying, but she seemed deeply
bothered. Emotional. Something had upset her friend. Jung?
What did she know of Jessica Jung? Not much. The woman kept to herself,
did her work with flair and competence and occasional brilliance, and never did
much more than that, skipping happy hours and office get-togethers and parties.
From a chance encounter in the restroom at work, Sooyoung knew she had a sick
sister whom she shared a rare blood type with. That was pretty much all her
knowledge of the woman. Which was pretty sad, considering that Jung had been
employed with Apex for three years. Soo frowned, chiding herself. Taeyeon's
attitude towards the employees had been more than bothersome, and perhaps, in
reaction, had Soo had made herself absent and uncaring in recompense? So that
she'd be bothered less?
Hmmm. What an unpleasant thought. But if Jung were here... well, that
spoke of troubles in the woman's life, and it made sense to help people one knew,
didn't it? Yes, past time to get to better know the people who depended on them.
"Where's Jessica?"
"S-She left."
"Left?"
"I messed up, Soo!" Taeyeon wailed and then the silly woman started to cry,
great heaving sobs and Soo rolled her eyes. There was that. Taeyeon was hardly
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one for a delicate touch.

"Shhhh. It'll be alright. It'll be alright, dear." Soo patted her, stroking her hair
while Taeyeon made her sweater damp. Sooyoung looked around, thankful the
alleys seemed uninhabited beyond the one that smelled of burning tires and trash.
What was back in these alleys that Jung would be here? And why didn't Jung
answer her phone? The HR manager had been quite snippy at being bothered
while on vacation. Soo had snarled at him. That was his job!
After a minute or three Taeyeon quieted, reduced to hiccups. She wouldn't
look up and Sooyoung knew her friend was feeling embarrassed.
"Taeyeon?"
"What?"
Soo raised an eyebrow. Petulant? "What's with that tone of voice?"
"Nothing."
"Out with it. Now."
Taeyeon's arms tightened and Soo was reminded of a burr, or a gibbon... or
Velcro.
"Why do you have to have a girlfriend?"
Sooyoung frowned. Really? "Because I'm gay?"
"No. I mean-- are you moving to Malibu? Cause I... need you. I can't... do...
this. On my own."
"Taeyeon, look at me."
The idiot's makeup was messed up and probably smeared all over her
sweater. But Taeyeon was looking up, oddly cute, even her pout, chin digging into
Sooyoung's breastbone. Hopefully Yoona wouldn't be asking about strange
bruises.
"What."
"I'm not moving to Malibu."
"You might. You love her!"
"I do. But my life is here. And you are a part of it. I love you too. And I need
you in my life."
Taeyeon screwed her face up, trying to process the thought. "That doesn't
make sense. You love Yoona. I'm just your friend."
Sooyoung sighed. "And I love you. I'll always be there for you. Okay?"
Taeyeon looked up at her for a long moment, doubt plain. If Soo had to
choose, she should choose Yoona. It wouldn't be right of her not to. But... it should
never come to that. As her friend, Taeyeon had that responsibility to her as well,
didn't she?
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Wow. Love sucked. Mightily.

"Fine."
"You need to get home, dear. You need to change."
I need to change. Yes. Truer words, Soo. Truer words. But she didn't want to
go home. Home with its empty walls, the same old clothing, no new possibilities,
Taeyeon shuddered. "Can we go shopping? I want new clothes." I want a new me.
Soo blinked in surprise. Taeyeon never went shopping. She hated to waste
money, and for her, shopping meant exactly that. "S-Sure. In fact I know a
fantastic little place not too far from here."
"In Brooklyn?"
"Yes. It's run by a really cute couple. They're not even expensive, but they
have a nice touch."
"Okay. If you say so."
"You don't want to eat?"
Memories of frozen chocolate roiled her stomach with failure. Taeyeon
shook her head.
"Do you want to tell me what happened with Jessica?"
Taeyeon shook her head again, pouting again. "Later."
"Is she okay?"
Taeyeon hesitated. Was Jung okay? Well, that was her business, wasn't it?
She'd asked to be let go. She'd been gracious and kind and smiled as she refused
Taeyeon's help... and she was helping her sister. Jessica Jung was so much more
than Taeyeon could ever hope to be.
"I think so."
"Okay. Let's get going then. We'll take a taxi and come back for the Comet
after you've changed."
Soo turned them around and if part of her wondered why Taeyeon clung so
tightly that it made walking a bit awkward, she found she didn't mind one bit.
Instead she found herself loving this new version of her friend more with every
slow and shivering step. It was a new day, a cloudy one to be sure, but what
journey of worth didn't have some bumps to make it memorable?

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15. Interlude: The Second

ven with your prodding, she fails. Prodding, I remind you, that falls
perilously close to upsetting our wager."
"I simply wished a closer look. Woven into the course of her morning, my
visit was less than a ripple."
"What do you see in her? She doubts herself as never before."
"Doubt is the first step to change. You will admit she has changed. Does this
not begin to satisfy our wager?"
"The wager was for a result. Precious little has changed. For all her thrashing
about, I see no difference in the fates of those around her. The Jung woman will
not survive her doubt and that will doom her friend in turn. Indeed, if anything,
this morning's perambulation into supposed madness has only resulted in worse
and quicker."
"Precious little? A pebble may change the course of the mightiest river."
"If the pebble remembers itself. Her lack forbids this."
"But her soul, her soul has taken the shape of the events to heart."
"Her soul... you knew this would happen."
"Would I know anything about souls?"
"You mock me."
"I chide you. A difference. You who sit in judgment, do you know what you
judge?"
"The weight of sin. No more, no less."
"Ah, dear, dark and simple."
"I warn you, Hyoyeon, do not make light of these events or of me. I should
take back what is mine and call it done."
"Against Seohyun's wishes? She is dear to you. Shouldn't her wish count?"
"Because she is dear to me, I would see her safely away from this realm of
confusion and chance and-- "
"-- Growth-- "
"-- Uncertainty. I warn you, Hyoyeon, do not meddle again. And keep your
servant in check."
"I have asked Sunny to cease her intrusions. Besides, you covered her light
quickly enough with your clouds."
"The book transformed into a relic, the Jung woman into a saint on the
sidewalk... though I do not relish the deed, the celestial's interference will be
224

repaid in full at the moment of my choosing. The scales must balance."

"An eye for an eye? Old school. Tsk, tsk. Flexibility, Yuri, would that you
possessed more of it at this late date."
"I am justice!"
"And I am law."
"We each have our place, our role. It was you who taught me, thusly."
"But we grow, we learn. Seohyun wishes to learn."
"Enough! By my rights, I could take your precious elf now. I humor you
with this wager."
"Which continues. You have not won it yet. Besides, you don't really want
the elf, even to balance your scale."
"Do not presume to tell me what I want. And do not think to renege, or
interfere again."
"You think Seohyun will return with you."
"She knows her place. She will, rather than let the immortal fall. Feelings-- "
"-- are precious things. If she did not love Tiffany, she would not return with
you. She would accept the sacrifice on her behalf."
"Think of this cruelty, Hyoyeon. Because she has learned to feel, Seohyun
will not allow someone else to fall in her place."
"Is that a cruelty?"
"It is pain. She will forever rue the memory."
"A memory of love. I would hope she remembers it as a gift."
"Curse your gifts."
"Why did you send her to me? She whom you treasure most. Of all your
servants, why her? Ah, silence. You have learned something in your cold and silent
halls."
"Existence is a cruelty. The elf knows it. I would be doing her a favor if I
accepted her in place of Seohyun. Oblivion would be a mercy for her."
"And that is a lesson you still need to learn. Tsk. Know this. Each of them
has earned my esteem. Each of them is precious to me."
"And to me."
"I think we differ in our appreciation for what is precious."
"I would cease this chatter and return to witnessing the bumbling of the idiot
you have chosen as your champion, this Taeyeon Kim."
"You doubt my choice? Her soul is-- "
"-- Blind --"
"-- Well meaning."
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"Comedic."
"You're enjoying this."
"No. Not at all. The Jung woman will be yours when she dies. And the idiot's
tall friend. She cannot change their fates, and for that, for that, I do grieve."
"Because they would not be yours?"
"Because their absence in the world would burden my realm with more
souls. Souls they did not encounter in lives cut short. Souls they did not better. You
think I enjoy my purpose? How can you not understand me? Did you not create
me?"
"Once I thought you perfectly made, and I was saddened."
"Why?"
"I learned better, after your creation. Into every life a little light should
shine."
"I... I do not understand."
"Just so. Let us continue our wager."
"Very well."

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16. Morning: Makeover

aeyeon was forced to relinquish her hold on Sooyoung to get into the
taxi. She saw the driver raise an eyebrow in his rear view, his smirk
unseen but felt. He must think Soo and her were an item. Taeyeon shot a
gimlet glare back at the driver who looked away, huffed and raised his
shoulders defensively. His passing interest made her scoot well away as Soo
climbed in and leaned forward to give him the address.
Almost immediately Taeyeon found herself missing Soo's touch. Indeed, she
found the separation very much a self-inflicted cruelty, echoed and magnified by
the biting cold of the vinyl seat. Losing Soo's support... hurt. Taeyeon caught
herself on the verge of moving back to her friend, never mind what the driver
wanted to think. But no. She froze in place and shook her head angrily.
What was this? Needing? Wanting? Taeyeon scoffed to herself. And she was
even surprised? How could she remain capable of surprise? She clenched her
teeth, her stomach, her hands, against incipient chattering and to keep from
uttering a curse. She willed her body to stop its moronic shivering and her spirit to
toughen the hell up! It was past time to regain her composure, her self-reliance,
her... self.
Yes. Herself. She looked ahead, straightening her sweater, looking at her
pale hands, the blunt nails, the municipal fare notice posted on the back of the
driver's seat, the back of the driver's head, the view of the thickening traffic from
her window; anywhere but at Soo.
Sooyoung watched her friend, a sardonic twist on her lips. She felt a hint of
asperity, a familiar emotion where her business partner was concerned. Was the
old Taeyeon trying to reassert herself?
"Taeyeon?"
"Hmm?"
The little monster was pretending to read the fare notice, jaw tight, her lips
almost colorless under the faded lipstick, hands clenched white over her knuckles.
No doubt trying to keep from shivering, trying to show the world she was too
tough to be bothered with humanity.
"Look at me."
"No." Taeyeon couldn't look at Soo. Looking would mean wanting. Because
she found herself desperately missing the space inside Soo's coat. No! This...
wasn't her. It couldn't be her. It was... her body, her arms that missed the feeling.
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Her lap even remembered Jessica's weight! Touch. As if it was something she'd
always had instead of something she'd become aware of only this morning. Crying
on Soo, hugging her, being tucked into her coat. Chasing Jessica Jung into an
alley, catching her, holding her! Being embarrassed, shamed by failure and
stupidity. Trying to help someone who didn't want or need her help. Helping
someone. Wanting to help someone.
Wanting a hug.
Crap!
Taeyeon couldn't ever remember being hugged by anyone before this day,
though her parents must have... at some point. Babies were held. Taeyeon sighed,
giving Soo a look from the corner of her eye. Something in the way Soo had her
head tilted spoke of disapproval.
Soo again said, "Taeyeon."
Taeyeon turned her head and looked mutely at her friend, feeling miserable.
Feeling. That was the problem.
Wordlessly Soo held her arms open, beckoning with her hands. Come here.
For a second Taeyeon thought to refuse. So many reasons not to change.
Change was bothersome. Dangerous. Upsetting. Confusing. She shook her head.
"I-I'm fine."
A long arm reached out and snagged her and the next thing she knew, the
world was a warm, comfortable, soothing darkness. Her tensed muscles relaxed as
she sank into the embrace, breathing in the smell of Soo and Soo's body wash and
shampoo, wet wool, stale taxi. But warm. Comforting. A girl could get used to
this. And wasn't that the problem?
Soo arranged her long coat to cover as much of Taeyeon as she could and
then asked the driver to turn up the heat. Taeyeon squirmed closer to her, arms
wrapping Soo's midriff. Soo smiled and patted the wet bum that Taeyeon's turned
hip exposed. She pictured Yoona's expression if she were to drag the grump home
after breakfast. Look, honey! Isn't she cute? Can I keep her? Hmm. Perhaps it
would be better for Yoona to have her own chance to warm up to the little monster
first.
Pat. Pat. Pat. "There, there, you little troll." Taeyeon's answering sigh of
exasperation was muffled, but Soo felt the warmth of the forceful exhalation
against her chest and she chuckled.
Traffic thickened, the silence only broken by the mutterings of the driver, the
ticking whir of a blower warming their ankles. Soo wondered if Taeyeon was
going to fall asleep in there, or even pretend to be asleep to keep from talking.
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Finally, after a minute, Taeyeon's muffled words came out. "Soo, you can't
keep hugging me. You can't keep letting me... do this."
"Why ever not?"
"Because I'm... this isn't me. I mean... I might not want to let go."
"Hmm. Could be awkward, explaining the extra body in bed. Maybe if you
lay very still?"
"Are you trying to be funny?"
"Sorry. I know I shouldn't joke, it's just that... I'm happy for you, for us."
"Happy? For us?"
"Yes! You're my friend, one of the people I care about most in the world, and
you've been asleep for so long."
"Asleep?"
"To everything that makes the world wonderful, worth living in."
Soo barely heard Taeyeon's reply, "... wonderful... "
Soo spanked the wet behind once more. Smack! "Yes, you little ogre, it is
wonderful. I know things are crazy right now, and you're unsure about opening up
to all these changes. I told you, it's going to be a lot of work, but it will be more
than alright. Just try not to backslide and deny that you are changing. That you
have changed."
A tousled head shook free, arms releasing their hold around her. Soo let the
ferret go, so Taeyeon could squirm almost upright. Narrowed eyes regarded her,
surrounded by smudged makeup. Oh my. Taeyeon was going to have to learn how
to wear cosmetics without leaving it on every surface.
Child-like eyes narrowed. "How can you be so blas about my insanity?
So... accepting? Isn't it weird? Isn't it, I don't know, alarming to you? I could be
having a breakdown, Soo!" The last was almost whined.
Soo smiled at the ridiculous creature. There was something beyond adorable
about the bedraggled child-woman with her wide-eyed expression in her wideeyed face. Argh! An unsure Taeyeon was an invitation to a mugging. A hugging
mugging. "Taeyeon, this, you in my coat, holding you, crying, missing your
mother, for heaven's sake, we were just in a homeless shelter! You. In a homeless
shelter. And-- and you went chasing after a person you thought was in trouble! I
mean, granted, she probably thinks you're crazy, but it'll be fine. You're going to
make mistakes. That's part of learning. Though... it is really sudden. On the face of
it. Okay, today is a bit weird. You're... weird. But you've always been weird. Let's
just roll with that."
Taeyeon's expression changed by the second. Quirking and twisting as Soo's
229

words registered. Crazy was okay? But... nothing was sure anymore. Nothing
made any kind of sense. How could that be okay? What was the point of life
without a clear goal? All those people she'd thought idiots and fools with their
concerns outside of the office. Family. Relationships. Socializing. Hanging out.
Going out. Being with others. Caring about what others thought and thought of.
It was crazy to worry about so much! And yet Soo's wide smile was only
growing wider, more delighted.
"You're celebrating my insanity."
"A little madness can be a good thing. And I'm not being blas, dear. How
could I be? I'm very excited. I mean, look at us."
"Don't look at me. I'm sure I look like hell."
"See? You're changing. You never cared what anyone thought before.
Sweetie, you're beautiful."
What? Beautiful? Something in her friends eyes told Taeyeon Soo was being
absolutely truthful. Beautiful? Who was the crazy one here? Well, Soo was
beautiful. Especially when she smiled. And how in heaven's name had she never
noticed that before?
Taeyeon closed her eyes at the ache that Soo's eyes were causing her.
Beauty. Taeyeon had never had illusions about herself. She couldn't afford them.
She shook her head, refusing to look, refusing the concept. Instead she burrowed
back into her friend's coat, letting the darkness take her.
Soo held her, giving a small sigh. The pain and bewilderment and doubt on
Taeyeon's face before it disappeared demanded assuaging. The poor little monster
was scared. "You are beautiful, Taeyeon. Yes, you look dreadful. Your eyes are
puffy from crying, the makeup I put on is all smeary, and you look like a half
drowned cat, but dear, beauty isn't physical." Taeyeon clenched her eyes even
tighter, frowning furiously. Soo felt her hands twitch, wanting to pull Taeyeon out
and pinch her cheeks.
Taeyeon shook her head. Of course beauty was physical! They certainly paid
enough for pretty models, and the things they advertised; restaurants, businesses,
clothing, furniture... advertising was about making a person want and want to buy.
Her muffled words were emphatic. "Pfft! You're in a relationship with a
Hollywood star. And you're telling me beauty isn't physical?"
"Yoona is beautiful. Enough to take my breath away sometimes, but I love
her when's she got bed head and bags and when she's screaming her lines at the
mirror. I love her when she's depressed and quiet and when she's being a royal pain
in the butt."
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"She sounds... difficult."

"Everyone has their moments."
"You?"
"Not me. I'm perfect."
Sigh. "You are."
"Oh, please. I look like a scarecrow when I wake up. I'm too thin, I never-- "
"Your beauty isn't physical, or not, I mean-- it's more than physical."
"Well, right. Exactly so."
"You're the best friend a person could want."
"I am."
"How?"
"How what?"
"How do you know... how do you know how to help?"
"Eh?"
"How do you know what someone needs?"
"Uh, empathy and sense? I try to think like the other person, to understand
what she needs. Being calm and sincere and wanting the best for the other helps."
"Empathy. How can that work? You're you. They're them." I'm me.
"But we're all human."
"I'm not."
"Of course you are."
"I'm not. I don't feel. I don't allow myself that."
"That's your hangup, but under that, silly, you are human. With wants and
needs."
"Wants? Needs? I don't want anything. And I can buy what I need."
"Not money. Human things."
"Humans need money."
"A certain amount. Enough to keep from wanting. But beyond that? No.
That's want, not need."
"I need money."
"You think you need money. Therefore you want it, but you don't need all
that much. You're already set for life, Taeyeon. Now what you need is a life to
live."
"Life. Wanting a life is... too hard. I don't-- I feel so stupid!"
"Feel this." Soo tightened her arms around her friend, leaning her head over
to rest against Taeyeon's hair. "Isn't it nice?"
Yes. Yes! Too nice. "I'm ruining your cashmere coat."
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"Stop worrying, babe. I wouldn't trade spots with anybody right now."
"You are too thin."
"I can't help it. You know I eat. And there's not much to you either."
"What am I going to do, Soo?"
"Change. Don't fight it. Accept it. Relax, get through today, and take it one
day at a time. I'll be there to help. Trust that I'll help you. Okay?"
"Okay." Taeyeon shut her brain off and relaxed into her friend. There was a
serenity to trusting someone, someone she knew she could trust. All those idiots
who helped others... weren't idiots after all. Some of them. Some of them knew
something she was only now guessing at. Change beckoning, hope and
communion, friendships and loves? So faint, her understanding of these concepts,
like fog in the night. Hazy and indistinct. Soft. Nothing exact or sure. How could a
person live like this? It was scary, too scary to contemplate doing it alone. Here, it
wasn't a cold darkness, but the soothing sound of Soo's breathing in a refuge of
warm cotton and wool and an eternal hug.
Sudden drowsiness tugged at her. It would be so easy to simply fall asleep in
Soo's arms...
After a few blocks of stop and start traffic Sooyoung blinked. Was Taeyeon
snoring?
"Taeyeon?" Nothing. No twitch. Taeyeon was a limp bundle. Sooyoung
found herself smiling. This was too precious. But it also wasn't the time or place
for Taeyeon to be taking a nap. "Taeyeon? Taeyeon!"
"Wha-- "
"You fell asleep."
"Oh."
"Taeyeon?"
"Hmmm?"
"Sweetie, what happened in the alley?"
"Huh-- What?"
"Did you fire her?"
Taeyeon stiffened and even muffled, her indignant tone came out clearly.
"No! No. I... I'm not-- I won't do that."
Soo nodded to herself. The old Taeyeon would have done so and thought
nothing of it. A sudden thought occurred to her. Taeyeon wasn't the only one
changing in their relationship. Hon? Dear? Sweetie? Sooyoung almost laughed at
herself. How easily these endearments came tripping out. Well. Taeyeon was too
cute right now and it just felt right.
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Traffic remained thick, the taxi officially crawling and Soo felt her mouth
draw tight. Even on a holiday weekend this city hummed. She should call Yoona...
and tell her what? That her business partner was coming apart at the seams?
Having a moment? A day? A crisis of self? A cute crisis of self. A cutely acute
crisis of cuteness. Soo sighed to herself. Yoona didn't understand what this little
one meant to her, and that was Soo's fault. Yoona deserved to know why Taeyeon
was important.
But the unspoken jealousy was sort of tickling. After all, Yoona was one of
the most beautiful women in the world, and she was almost jealous of this
shivering bundle of wet distress? Laughable. But how to explain her dirty sweater
and coat? They'd both need dry cleaning. Hi, hon! What? Lipstick? Why, yes, that
is lipstick on my sweater. I can explain! It's from Taeyeon. What? Umm. She was...
in my coat. No. I was wearing it. She was hugging me. In my coat. Cold! She was
cold. And I... had to... share my body... heat with her to keep-- Yeeesh. Imagining
Yoona's expression was no fun at all.
"She has a sister."
Soo blinked. What? "Yoona?"
"What? No. Jessica. She has a sister."
"Oh, right."
"You know?"
"I heard. How did you know?"
"That's why Jessica was back there... to... help her sister."
"Ah. Okay. How did you get so wet?"
"We fell."
"Jung, too? She'd be frozen by now!"
"I caught her and kept her out of the slush." The maddening weight of
Jessica's bottom as she squirmed on her lap, trying to stand up. Now why would
she think of that?
"And she just left you? Soaked like this?"
"She was in a hurry. I told her I was fine. I told her... to go help... her sister.
Her sick sister."
"Hmm. What about that is bothering you?"
"Huh?"
"You've said it three times. 'Her sister.' What's the significance? More than
just illness, no?"
"Jessica was really tired, but she-- that's why she wasn't at work. Wait, what
do you know about her sister?"
233

"I don't, not really. Just that they share a rare blood type and that Jessica has
blood drawn regularly for her. One of the few times we talked, she was in the
bathroom, very pale and dizzy, recovering from having given blood. She's a little
thing, too, almost too little to be giving blood."
Taeyeon frowned. "There's a size limit?"
"Your people usually can't."
"My people?"
"Munchkins. You have to be over 110."
"She was curvier than I am."
"What?"
"I mean she's probably heavier than I am. Maybe." Had Jessica been that
heavy? Well, it wasn't as if Taeyeon had lifted many people... ever. She
remembered the doctor's frown at her last checkup, the woman fiddling with the
weights on the scale, the sound of the metal weight sliding. The 100 pound
indicator hadn't caused the weight bar to budge, the doctor's lips compressed as
she fiddled with the scale. Taeyeon had taken a dislike to the noisy contraption. Its
clacking grated on her nerves. As if it was some damning machine of judgment
calculating her worth. Why didn't her doctor have a silent digital scale?
"You need to gain some weight, Ms. Kim."
"How much?"
"For your height, ten pounds. Which is significant. A woman needs a certain
amount of fat in order to be healthy."
"I don't have time to waste eating."
"Make time."
"Can we finish up here? I need to get back to the office. Today."
She'd ignored the exasperated look on the doctor's face. She could imagine
Soo's questioning expression at this moment. She'd have to tell Soo about her
encounter with Jung in the alley. Uneasiness still curled at the thought. Soo would
have done better.
"You noticed her curves?"
"I-- no! Not really, not-- I mean, I couldn't stop her. I messed up, I even tore
her coat trying."
"Oooh."
"Oh, Soo. I'm such a failure."
"You're just not used to this, yet. You tried, right? That's huge, babe."
"She was even nice to me, after all that. I mean, yes, she works for us, but
there, in the alley, I was such an ass, and I accused her of lying and I tore her coat
234

and I acted like a crazy stalker-- "

"Eeeeh. That could have gone better."
"And I stressed her out and made her faint."
"Huh?"
"I mean, she was really tired and she fainted after I accused her of being a
lying drug addict."
"Wow. That's... wow, fainted? And you let her go?"
"I think it was more exhaustion than anything. I don't think she's slept."
"Still. That doesn't sound safe."
"I know. But... she... her sister. She was going to help her sister. I couldn't
stop her. I can't-- I don't deserve to-- you know what I mean."
"No. I don't. Dear-- maybe you're going too far the other way."
"Huh?"
"The old Taeyeon was never worried about self worth."
"I know. But how can I stop someone from helping her family when I
couldn't even be there for my mom? That's more than-- "
"That's irrelevant. You can't let perceived shortcomings get in the way of
good judgment."
"Then I should have stopped her?"
"Fainting for any reason isn't a good thing. Especially in some back alley."
"Right. I know that. I know that!"
"We should call her."
"Her phone's dead."
"Well, we need to get you dry first, but we'll go find her. Though finding her
in that warren might be tough. What was she doing back there? Helping her sister
how? Giving blood?"
"What? Oh. Yeah, there were bandages on her arms. Like she'd had blood
drawn."
"And she seemed okay when she left you?"
"She was walking fine. Do you think she's okay? Wait. Wait. She said she
was going to her place after, to change. And then the office. She said she lived
around-- "
"Oh. I have her address on my phone. Let me look... yeah, her place is
close."
Taeyeon freed herself to look up at her friend. "Can we go there? We can tell
her not to come into work."
"After we get you dry and into some new clothes. In the meantime, I'll try
235

calling her home."

"I'm fine. It's just wet pants."
"You're soaked and freezing and you'll be lucky to not catch pneumonia."
"I... suppose. Is it much further?"
"No. We're almost there. Driver, you can pull over on that corner."
~~~
"Hi! You've reached the home of Krystal-- and Jessica! --We can't come to
the phone right now, but if you leave a message, we'll get back to you as soon as
we can. --We will! --Bye! Beeeeeeep!"
"Hah. Hi, Jessica, it's Sooyoung from the office. I'm with Taeyeon and uh,
we're worried about your condition and we want to know you got home okay. Oh,
and we hope your sister doing okay, too. Listen, stay at home and rest today. Enjoy
Christmas, don't worry about work. Just give us a call on this number to let us
you're home."
Taeyeon felt guilt and worry gnaw at her. She should have stopped the
woman in the alley. Or gone with her. "She's not home."
"Guess she's not done with whatever she was doing?"
"I don't like this. Should we call the police? What if she's passed out
somewhere? Or passed out at home?"
"Well, it's not like she's been missing for 24 hours. And it's not like we're
family."
"She works for us. Doesn't that give us cause for concern?"
"I think the best we can do is swing by her place."
"Yes. Okay. Let's do that."
"Right. Clothes for you first, ah, there it is."
"There?"
"There."
A narrow side street, too narrow to park, tiny storefronts, most of them
darkly shuttered. It looked dangerous. Taeyeon shivered involuntarily, peeking out
from the safety of her friend's coat. "This place is creepy."
Soo's arms tightened around her. "Maybe we can adopt you."
"What?"
"Some couples try a pet first, before having children. You could be my pet."
"Ha. Ha." For a moment Taeyeon actually thought about it, then she poked
her friend in her thin ribs, causing Soo to levitate half a foot. Soo was ticklish?
236

Good to know.
"Yah!"
"I bite, too."
"Fine then, be that way... though it's a shame. You're already housebroken."
Sooyoung felt her friend growling, hands poised to do more than poke. "I'll stop,
I'll stop! Let's go in before you get sick."
There was a faded sign over the door of the small dingy storefront, hand
lettered from the look of it. Adaness Fashions. Odd name. "You sure this is the
place?"
"Yep, this is it. Oh, it's not much to look at from the outside, but it's what's
inside that counts, no?"
Taeyeon's voice was doubtful. "I-I guess."
"Relax, Taeyeon, it'll be okay. They're good people in there, so be nice,
okay?"
"Okay."
The door opened with the sound of a ringing bell, revealing an interior every
bit as small and cramped as the exterior suggested. The floor was ancient pine past
the tiled foyer, a welcome mat of twisted bullrush two paces long taking any
lingering wetness from their shoes. The shop was warm, and smelled of vanilla
and cinnamon. The merchandise was chaotic. Racks of clothing, with no two items
the same, packed the floor space haphazardly. How did anyone find anything in
here?
Off to one side was a small counter with a cash register that wouldn't have
looked out of place in an old black and white photo, complete with push buttons
and a hand crank. Taeyeon looked around, expecting to find a telegraph and a
barber's chair, maybe hay and peanuts. "Oh. It's... nice?"
Soo gave her friend a smile, hugging her a last time before expelling her
from her coat. "Tiny. I know. But the owners are sort of on the small side too." Soo
called out, "Hello!"
From a doorway mostly hidden by racks a brightly husky voice called back,
"Be right there!" Footsteps sounded crisply and then a small woman, wearing five
inch heels, shorts and a tight top, a bobbed hair cut and dramatically dark eye
makeup came into view. "Hi-- Soo! How are you?" The woman stepped to
Sooyoung and gave her a warm hug.
"Ga In! Long time."
"Oh, my God, did you grow taller?"
"Nooo. Though I don't think you did either."
237

"I certainly did not."

"This is my friend, Taeyeon. Where's Jo?"
"Hi. He's sorting some stuff in the back. Jo! Jo Kwon! Soo's here!"
"... what? ... "
"Soooo is here!"
"Oh! Why didn't you say so?" Rapid shuffling steps presaged the entry of a
potent blizzard of energy. Taeyeon had the impression of a thin body dressed
completely in black, topped by a sharply angular face with comically wide eyes
and a small mouth from which emitted a high-pitched voice fairly screaming,
"Sooooooooooo! You naughty wench! Why haven't you come to see me?" And
then he was hugging Taeyeon's friend delicately before giving her air kisses.
"Jojo!"
"I forgive you, of course. Oh. And you have a little friend." Taeyeon froze,
almost scared to move lest she be equally attacked. His movements were birdlike,
rapid and energetic. He told the room, "Oh, my. She looks like a drowned cat."
"This is my partner, Taeyeon."
"Really? I thought you liked them... taller and more stylish."
"Behave, Jo. My business partner."
"Ah. That makes more sense. Hi! I'm Jo! Call me Jo!"
"Uh. H-Hi."
"Oh, no, you're shivering. I take it back, you look more like a drowned baby
raccoon."
"I fell into a puddle."
"Yes, you did, and its name was 'I lack fashion sense.'"
"Taeyeon needs some help, Jo. Head to toe, but quick, quick. We have to be
someplace as soon as possible."
"Ugh. Rushing me? Rushing. Me? You can't rush art!"
"Art? No. You? Yes. It really is an emergency, Jo. Please?"
"I'm sorry to be a bother, we have to go look for-- "
"She has manners! Why did you never bring her around before? Oh, hush,
babygirl, Soo's like family, aren't you dear? The bossy big sister type. Shh! No
come backs! No time! Not you, little drowned rodent thing, come, come. Come to
papa, and... turn!"
Taeyeon found the room turning, assisted by fingers that seemed much
stronger than they should be. She flinched when he shouted to his assistant who
was standing all of three feet away, "Ga In! She's about your size, smaller up top!
Underthings! She's soaked right through her knickers!"
238

The small woman rushed off to the rear wall, opening an immense wardrobe
with numerous drawers.
Jo threw a glance at Soo. "No time for a shower first? No. Soo is in a rush."
He gave Taeyeon a toothy grin. "Ga In's not going to like your hair. It's dry, look at
the ends!" Which seemed to be a crime in Jo's world. Taeyeon had no defense
prepared. He relented. "Oh, fine. Go. Go. Over there." He pointed. "Get your
clothes off. We'll burn them later."
Her clothes? "What? No. They're-- "
"-- Hideous! I'll bury the ashes after I drive a stake through them! Later!
Move! Now!"
Taeyeon moved. Or rather was chivvied along to an alcove, wide-eyed at the
effortless way the thin man ran over every attempted objection. A curtain was
zipped closed and the man barked, "Undress! Now! Everything!"
"E-Everything?"
"All of it! She said head-to-toe! It must be, it will be! I will transform you
into... well, something better. It can't possibly be worse."
A small smile came to Taeyeon. A promise of change? This day wasn't
letting up. New things everywhere, every time she turned around. Having a
complete stranger dress her? She took off her sweater. Well, Soo had vouched for
him. Her hesitant fingers grew surer and she nodded as she unbuttoned her blouse.
Why the hell not?
Her wet slacks puddled at her ankles and she stepped out of them, leaving
her sodden flats and underthings as well. Everything it was. The air over her damp
skin raised goosebumps, but a huge fluffy towel landed on her head in the next
instant and she used it to good effect, almost sighing in relief to finally be dry... if
naked.
Clothing items were thrust at her from around the curtain. Lacy underthings
that fit remarkably well, and well, were remarkably sheer and... thin and almost
not there at all. A silk chemise followed and she'd no sooner settled it over herself
when the curtain zipped open again. She screamed a small scream, hands moving
to cover... well, she was covered. Albeit, thinly. Jo simply stood there, hands on his
hips, lips pursed speculatively.
"You're tiny."
Taeyeon blinked. Okay?
"Buuuut, I can work with this. Ga-In!"
The small woman appeared at Jo's elbow, smiling, as if conjured.
Jo never took his eyes from Taeyeon who watched the pair of them warily.
239

She saw Soo out of the corner of her eye, lounging against the wall. She could tell
her friend was enjoying this.
Jo snapped his fingers and spewed out a rapid stream of words. "A beige
polka-dotted blouse. Small dots. Cable-knit red black sweater, the variegated one,
red into black at the bottom, navy double-breasted blazer, black shorts and the
lace-up, short tan boots." Ga-In nodded and disappeared.
Then he smiled at Taeyeon. "No time to dye your hair?"
Taeyeon hesitantly shook her head.
"Pfah. Fine. You must work with me! I could make you wonderful. You must
come back when you have time. Art takes time, you understand?"
Taeyeon nodded.
Jo sniffed. "Ga-In will be with you in a moment to help you dress. You must
pay attention to her advice. Clothing is not to be taken for granted. It is how we
express ourselves to the world, how people perceive us without words." He flicked
a contemptuous glance at her discarded items. "I suppose your closets and dressers
at home are filled with such things." It was not a question. His eyes bored into
hers. "You must come back. I will save you."
Taeyeon nodded.
"Good. We will not speak of those things again." Then he smiled and zipped
the curtain closed again.
Taeyeon clapped a hand over her mouth, desperately trying to muffle a
giggle. She turned it into a cough and then Ga-In was there, with an armful of
clothing and a hard cosmetics case.
The next minutes passed in a blur. Ga-In spoke to her, telling her things she
instantly forgot. Taeyeon couldn't make sense of her words. Powders, foundations,
liners, shades, what? She could only watch the person in the three-sided mirror
become someone else. Someone... poised and composed and beautifully put
together.
Her smudged makeup was taken off and then reapplied with expert hands.
Her hair was brushed out and gathered in a high-ponytail, strands pulled free to
frame a face that glowed softly. Her face. How was this her face? But it was. This
was her. She felt much taller in the moderately heeled short boots that fit perfectly.
Everything fit perfectly, the outfit functional as winter attire somehow. The
chemise more than made up for the shorts. Light and layered and warm.
"You are beautiful."
Beautiful eyes, her eyes, looked at Ga-In's reflection in startlement. "WWhat?" Sooyoung's words came back to her from the taxi.
240

"Gorgeous, really."
The polka-dotted blouse, under the sweater, was untucked and left hanging
over black shorts which weren't too short, but bordering on un-officelike. They
showed a lot of her legs. Legs which seemed a bit longer than they had this
morning. Taeyeon found them.... shapely. Feminine. When had that happened?
Ga-In smiled at her confusion. She enjoyed her work, helping women see
their true selves. "More than pretty, don't you think?"
Taeyeon shook her head in denial. It was the makeup, and the outfit. Ga-In's
skill, and Jo's flair. "That's not me. It can't be me."
"Oh, it's you. What we do here is uncover the real you."
"The... real me?"
"The confident you. The one you hide normally in shapeless and drab office
things. This is classy, right? Jo likes classy. But feminine. There's no such thing as
equality of sexes, you know. Women can be so much more, everything really, but
it takes a bit more work."
"Work."
"Work. Planning. Wardrobe and composure, wit and mystery. The complete
package. Sexy when you want to be sexy, competent or lost."
"Lost?"
"To draw someone in? You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?"
"Vulnerable?"
"Pretending to be vulnerable. Helpless. It makes people want to help you."
"Manipulative."
"We're short, honey. How are you going to get the things up on the top shelf?
Change your tire? Mow your lawn?"
"Oh."
"Come back when you have time. We'll talk. And work on your wardrobe."
The curtain was pushed open and a hand gently urged her out into the store.
Soo's mouth dropped open. Taeyeon? Well, damn.

241

17. Morning: Calamity

ow...za. Wowza. What a... wow. Soo blinked. The person who'd
entered the alcove had been the little ogre, and only Ga-In had gone in
after... and there was Ga-In standing beside the new person... who was
Taeyeon-sized, if Taeyeon ever wore heels, and she had Taeyeon's
hair color and general face shape, but that was about where the similarities ended.
This creature was... gorgeous. Feminine and sexy and oh, Yoong was so not going
to be understanding.
That's... that's Taeyeon?
I can explain.
That's the person you spend most of your day and days with?
But-- But-- She normally-- What I mean is-- she-I thought you said she wasn't interested in dressing up like a-Well, she is a woman. I mean, obviously she's a woman-She's very much a woman, Soo.
I'm in trouble, aren't I?
So much trouble.
What was that crap about love and never saying sorry? Hah! Saying it loud
and often was sort of the whole point to deserving forgiveness and getting over
misunderstandings, was it not? Especially before misunderstandings blew up to
the size of Mt. Everest, because who would believe this was Taeyeon?
Stupidly, ridiculously, Soo found herself smiling and then felt a hint of panic
in her gut at how Taeyeon's answering smile made her even more beautiful. The
woman even had a funny smile! One that showed even rows of small white teeth...
in a sort of rodentish way, but paired with her wide eyes, Taeyeon was achingly
cute in her uncertainty. Even her ears were cute! Normal human sized ears on a
child sized head... had she ever seen Taeyeon's ears? And legs! Taeyeon had legs.
Shapely and sexy legs!
Gah! So much trouble.
Something like anger stirred in Sooyoung. She caught herself. Anger? What?
No. Not anger, precisely. Anger would be exactly the wrong thing for Taeyeon to
deal with right now. But... Soo blinked, shaking her head. She stood clear of the
wall and stiffened her spine. Taeyeon, the little idiot minx. Hiding herself, hiding
this! For so many years. It was nearly criminal. Had the woman any right to look
so hopeful and vulnerable and heart-stabbingly... cute? To look so damned good?
242

When she'd cheated the world and herself and, damn it, her only friend, for-- for
ages!
Soo breathed, blowing out a decade of frustration. There would be no
backsliding on her watch. Taeyeon was going to understand that she could be
beautiful, inside and out. That the world could be beautiful. She wouldn't believe it
and it would be a long haul, to make her care, to show her why she needed to care.
Because, damn it all, the world needed to see this Taeyeon. The world needed
beauty. Beauty of soul and deed, yes and yes, but also this kind of beauty. To
inspire, to enliven, to tweak morose humanity into believing that things could be
better. To give hope and dreams. Gah! What had she told the adorable bundle of
unwitting deceit? One day at a time? Sounded like good advice.
Taeyeon's eyes were wide, studying her friend's reaction. Her friend's...
alarmed reaction? She asked, "D-Do I look okay?"
"Fine! You look fine! I mean, yes. You look fine. You do. Wonderful."
Sooyoung was grateful that Jo picked then to come out of the back. He
arrived in a tumultuous flutter and shrilly voiced, "Oh! I am a genius! I still have
it. Don't I? Of course I do. Just look at you! You walked in here a gross little
caterpillar, and now you've become a butterfly."
Taeyeon blinked, but managed to keep her smile. "T-Thank you, J-Jo."
His quick eye didn't miss Soo's face. In a so-not-subtle stage whisper, he told
her, "She's a keeper! It's so nice when a good deed turns out... hot."
Soo spluttered, "Wha-- No! I mean. Yes. But-- "
"Shh! You may name your firstborn according to your conscience. I care not.
It's enough for me, very gratifying in fact, to take formless mush and breathe
awareness into it, a sense of self and a feel for higher beauty." He smiled at Soo's
discomfort before asking Taeyeon, "Don't you feel... evolved?"
"Err. Yes."
"Excellent! If only I had more time. But this will have to do for now, I
suppose."
"W-Where do I pay?"
"Oh, your partner has settled for you, like a good partner should, and she's a
very good partner. If rushed. Fashion takes time, Soo. You know this! Here's the
new bag for your outfit, cumquat. Kate Spade. See what I mean? A good partner.
Pretty, no? You must promise to throw that ghastly thing away at the first dumpster
you encounter, once you've transferred your things."
"O-Okay."
"Run along now, but remember, if you don't want to be the midnight
243

pumpkin, you'll need more than one outfit." Then he fluttered his hand in dismissal
before turning to look at Ga-In, who had just finished putting away her cosmetics
case. He opened his arms wide in dramatic invitation and proclaimed, "Sweetie!
Perfection, as always!"
Taeyeon found the way Jo easily embraced his assistant to be... odd. Then
the way he kissed his assistant. Then the way his assistant bussed him firmly with
a laugh, fending off his arms. Ga-In turned to her, handing her a small zippered
pouch after giving her a warm hug. "These are samples and a list of what I put on
you. You have wonderful skin, but you need to protect it. Merry Christmas."
The happy couple saw them to the door and waved them bye, Jo's arm
around Ga-In's small waist while Ga-In had both her arms around him.
The door bell was muted by the closed door and Taeyeon waited three steps
before asking in a whisper, "He's not gay?"
"What?"
"Jo. Not gay?"
"Oh, no. They've been married for a couple years now."
"But... he... seems so... "
"Seems. But he loves women. And he has a talent."
"He does. Ga-In too. Y-You really think I look okay?"
Taeyeon skidded to a sudden stop as Soo rounded on her. "Taeyeon. You
look amazing. Didn't you see yourself in the mirror?"
"I-I did. But... Soo?"
"Hmm?"
"Isn't this a... lie?"
"A lie?"
"This isn't me. I mean... look at me."
"No, Taeyeon. No! This is you. This is the you that you've been hiding!"
"Are you... angry?"
"No! Maybe! I don't know!"
"W-What?"
"Taeyeon... Taeyeon, you are a wonder. I mean, the wonder is that it took
you until today to start figuring it out, and I guess I'm almost angry at myself for
not pushing you harder." At Taeyeon's expression of utter confusion Soo had to let
out a quick laugh. "I'm happy and excited and eager, babygirl. I can't wait to
introduce my best friend to my girlfriend, and hang Mt. Everest! In fact I can't
wait for you to meet the world and for the world to love you. Now give me a hug
before I cry."
244

Taeyeon folded herself into the long embrace, and it was with a touch of
trepidation that she felt Soo breathing harder, hugging harder, than she should
have. Soo was bothered? But... why? Maybe the craziness was rubbing off? "Soo.
Thanks. I'm sorry I'm being so difficult to deal with. So, thanks."
"You're welcome, you little idiot."
"Did you try Jessica's home again?"
"Twice. No answer. We'll head over there now."
"Okay... good. Good."
"You're worried."
"Y-Yes. I... am?"
"Don't sound so puzzled. She's a person, you're a person. It's called having
empathy, see?" Soo freed an arm, tugging Taeyeon towards the curb, long neck
turning to look for a taxi.
"But. But what if I mess things up again? What if I-- what if she thinks I
really am stalking her?"
"Given the circumstance, I don't think she can find fault. In fact, if it were
me, I'd be thankful that... my... bosses are... coming to check on me... at my
house?"
"See? See that? Isn't it weird?"
"Oh, stuff it. She doesn't have anyone else. Her emergency contact is her
sister."
"Her sick sister."
"Yeah. Taxi!"
~~~
Jessica sighed. So tired, and dizzy. She just needed to sleep. But could she
even take a nap after getting cleaned up at the apartment? Krystal, work, blood...
so many things to do, and only one of her. The world was so demanding, harsh and
uncaring. No place of safety, no refuge, no one to lean against.
Jessica swallowed. Self pity, Jung? Krystal needs you, she doesn't need you
to be wasting your energy on self pity. Right.
She'd gotten lost again before finally finding the blood donor service. Not
surprisingly, it doubled as a methadone and VD clinic and she remembered the
suspicion on the technician's face. Drug addict? She knew she looked like a mess.
Slacks that were stained here and there and somewhat wet from her earlier falls.
Her coat torn. Not to mention her haggardness from a sleepless night.
245

Ms. Kim's face came back to her. The wide-eyed shock, the contrition. So
unlike the harridan of the halls who everyone dreaded.
People talked snidely about Ms. Kim, her demanding ways, her miserly
lifestyle, her utter lack of anything remotely human or stylish. Odd for an
advertising executive. But she got results. Ms. Kim pushed them all hard, but she
pushed herself even harder and Jessica could respect that. Ms. Kim's pale face
looking down at her, small arms filled with a surprising strength, a surprising
gentleness... holding her. Keeping her from the ice water and snow.
What had that been? Someone had cared for her? Unlooked for,
unexpected... but not terrible. It had been... nice. A breakfast would have been
nice. Something social. With Ms. Kim? Awkward was awkward, but it hadn't
seemed as if Ms. Kim was going to be any better practiced than herself.
Jessica looked at the bag, slowly filling up with her blood. Krystal would be
on the operating table right now, the doctors working on her. The urgency
sharpened to a needle in her hand. Krystal needed this. The only person she had
left in this world. Her baby sister, who should be graduating in a year. Krystal had
to walk again, up on the stage to accept her... but she didn't go to school anymore.
Too sick, Krystal had missed so much of life. But she deserved to run and dance.
Wasn't there a recital tomorrow? What? No. Her recital had been... when? Jessica
blinked, bringing the bag back into focus. Dizzy. Of course Krystal would live and
smile. She was the best, prettiest dancer.
Red filled her sight. Blood, in the bag. Dark, so very dark. Blood should be
bright, vibrant. She'd seen so much of it. Always at night, when it covered things
blackly. The car's shattered glass. The wheelchair. Her family's blood. Her blood,
in this bag. The cost? It didn't matter.
Even when it did, so much. Sometimes Jessica felt a hundred years old. She
knew the mountain of bills that sat in the folder she kept hidden from her sister.
This one she could pay next week, this one... well. Maybe they could extend the
due date one more time? Life, it didn't matter that it was passing her by. There
were never enough hours in the day, so what did it matter that she was missing it?
But... it hurt sometimes to see all those pretty people at the photo shoots she set
up. Their vapid faces with no more care in the world than birds in the sky. People
with impeccable nails, perfect teeth. Models and actors who floated from one set
to the next.
Right. She snorted to herself. Of course they had problems too. Everyone
had problems, and those problems filled their thoughts as much as hers filled her
days and nights... well, maybe not of a dying sister... probably not of a dying sister.
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No. Stop. Krystal's not going to die. She's going to wake up and make me
laugh and apologize for scaring me to death. And she's going to wear those ugly
mittens I made her to go along with her ugly cap.
Jessica squeezed her hand into fist spastically, willing her blood out faster.
She'd promised to get to the office, and she would. She had to. Work provided the
blessed insurance, the food she could never cook well, the rent, their clothing. The
office, with Ms. Kim, who'd hired her. Wait. Ms. Kim had told her to not worry
about the Henderson presentation?
Had she?
Ms. Kim... she'd been... something different about her today. Concerned?
Had Ms. Kim ever even noticed her in the office? But she must have, to come
chasing after her.
You should wake up and tell me to mind my own business. Jessica, won't you
wake up, please?
Yes. She should wake up. Only floating here... wasn't terrible. That child-like
face, asking her to breakfast. Ms. Kim... no. Her name was Taeyeon. She'd said it.
Hadn't she?
Her boss' voice coming to her in velvety gray darkness... I'm Taeyeon, and
you're Jessica. Pleased to meet you. Gack. That's just... so not me. Look,
goosebumps. And I'm not even cold. Though I think my butt's gone numb. Jessica.
Is that... am I being presumptuous? I need the practice. Jessica. The old me would
have frowned if someone called me Taeyeon. But that's my name.
Jessica felt a smile try to form, only she didn't have a face to put it on. No
face in this place. No body. No worries, no blood, no-- Krystal.
I have to get up now, Ms. Kim. I'm sorry I can't go to breakfast with you. I
have to go and save my sister. I have to give her her legs back. I have to take her
to ballet and track and get her a prom dress so that she can dance and laugh and
make our parents worry... I need to...
"Jessica, won't you wake up, please?"
Jessica opened her eyes and looked up at the medical technician who was
shaking her. "You okay, miss?" Not Ms. Kim. Of course it wasn't Ms. Kim. Ms.
Kim was waiting for her in the office.
"I-I'm fine. Just a long night."
"Well, the withdrawal is done. Here's some juice."
"Ah. Okay. Thanks."
"You need to sit for ten minutes, but you can stay here and rest for awhile if
you need."
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"No. No. I have to get going. The office... "

"Miss?"
"Huh? Wha-- "
"You dozed off. It's been ten minutes."
"Oh. Okay."
"You sure you're okay to walk out of here?"
"M'fine. Just a little dizzy. Have to go."
"Okay. Merry Christmas, then."
"Merry Christmas."
The air... wasn't cold. Good. But why wouldn't the world stop moving
around? And why was it so dark? Did she have her sunglasses on?
No.
Office. Apex. First, home, to change. A shower would be good.
Wait.
Had Ms. Kim told her to stay at home? To... not worry about the Henderson
presentation? Why would Ms. Kim tell her that? Stay at home? Ms. Kim? No.
Couldn't be.
I must have imagined it. But... did I? I must have. Ms. Kim wouldn't be...
chasing me down here? What a strange thing to imagine. Ms. Kim wouldn't invite
me to breakfast. She doesn't even know I exist. Why would I imagine her to be so...
cute? Ms. Kim is not cute. She's competent. She's even mean. Shhh. Not mean. She
helped. When I was at my wits end, trying to make ends meet... not that the ends
are meeting all too well... where is the street?
Not here.
.
.
.
And not here.
Drink some juice, Jung. A good breakfast would help. Coffee. Hot coffee. I
have to clean up Krystal's room. Can't have her coming home to a bloody mess...
Ms. Kim invited me to breakfast... no.
No, she didn't.
She did.
Jessica, won't you wake up, please?
Imagination. I'm imagining things. My brain is playing tricks.
Blood. She had to give more. Only four units of life. Surely not enough.
Maybe one more? But no time. Work. She had to get to work, to see Ms. Taeyeon.
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Where is the street? Have to find the street to get a taxi, to shower and clean
Krystal's blood.
Blood. Blood so precious, so hard to come by. Why am I just leaning against
this wall? C'mon, Jung, one foot in front of the next. Krystal needs me. Krystal has
no one else in the world. It's as simple as that.
Where is the street? Voices, smoke. A bum's alley. Not here.
.
.
.
Not here... wait. This place... looks familiar.
I sat on my boss' lap here.
Wide eyes, so close they're almost crossed. Concerned eyes and strong arms,
a warm lap, holding her.
A safe place. A place of safety. Someone to hold her, someone to take care of
her. Here. Just sit for a little bit, get my head straight. I'll go to the office in a bit,
and... eat breakfast with Ms. Taeyeon.
It's safe.
Here.
~~~
"You sure this is it?"
"It's the address Jessica has on file with HR, unit 404."
"But... it's so... "
"Yeah."
~~~
"Shhh. Listen."
" men's voices... "
" soo, they're talking about robbing them!"
" wait! what are you doing?"
" what does it look like?"
" taeyeon, you can't go in there!"
" soo! they're getting robbed!"
" i'll call the cops, taeyeon! stop!"
" no, soo!"
249

" oh, god."

"FREEZE, YOU MOFOS!"
"Augh! What the-- "
"She's got a-- "
Clonk! Bonnnnggggg!
"Ouch!"
"Wha-- "
Tink! WHOOOSH!
Soo would never remember exactly how it happened. Everything was too
fast, but odd details were perfectly clear. She smelled cigarette smoke, saw a man
on his knees, holding his ringing head, while her small partner went through what
seemed like a dozen large men, wielding a long handled pot that sprayed little
green balls of something with every swing.
Peas.
She heard glass break, saw a man stumble, saw another hit the open
apartment door running, saw another screaming and on fire.
Pale blue flames. Alcohol fire. Liquor bottle, meet lit cigarette? He
screeched loudly, flopped to the floor, spilling more blue flame onto the carpet,
frantic to shed his burning coat. The 911 call went through and she heard the
dispatcher ask in a tinny voice what the problem was.
Taeyeon was chasing yet another man, this one holding a small wood box
which he dropped to pull a switchblade. Taeyeon didn't back down, swinging the
pot of peas madly. He backed into a corner, a wheelchair between him and his
attacker.
Wheelchair?
Was that... blood? So much blood.
Burning coat managed to toss his portable bonfire onto a box of phonebooks
before running out of the apartment, only to come back a second later with an even
larger NYPD officer in pursuit.
Wow. That was fast.
The phonebooks caught fire.
Soo found her eyes stinging from acrid smoke as yet another NYPD officer
came running in with a fire extinguisher.
There was much yelling, spraying and swinging.
Time stuttered and Soo found that Taeyeon had yet again managed to muss
her makeup, mascara running from smoke induced tears. Though she still managed
to somehow be prettier than she had any right to.
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Switchblade was smaller without his knife, merely a thug in handcuffs,

sitting on the floor with his three fellows, one of them slightly singed.
Taeyeon... was insane. She had to be. What had happened to her? So
insanely alive. Magnificent really. Her fiercest boardroom tirade was nothing
compared to this. Soo found it perfectly natural that thugs and officers both tried to
draw back when Taeyeon grabbed the former knife wielder by his collar and raged
at him in the smoke heavy air, "Where is Jessica!? Where is her sister!?"
One of the officers blinked and shook his head. Why was he taking orders
from a small civilian again? Forceful little thing. She'd ordered the robbers all to
sit up and sit still and damned if they hadn't.
"Excuse me, ma'am. Who is Jessica?"
"The woman who lives here! With her sister. Where are they!? What did you
do with them?!"
"I don't know! I swear!"
"That's blood! Did you hurt them?!"
"No! No! Didn't do nothing! No one home when we come in."
"A-Ambulance!"
"What?"
"There was an ambulance last night! Took them away."
"Her sister... "
"Ma'am, I can check with dispatch. In the meanwhile we should get these
men down to the street. The fire department will be here soon."
"Yes, thank you, officer. Please do so."
~~~
"There was an emergency, girl named Krystal Jung. The ambulance took her
to Beth Israel, about a mile from here."
"What happened to her?"
"Internal bleed. She's in surgery now."
"Taeyeon, Jessica hasn't come back."
"Then do you think she went straight to the hospital instead of coming
here?"
"We have to go check. I know I'd be there if that was my sister."

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18. Morning's End: First Movement

aeyeon looked at her watch, not knowing why, not knowing what she
was supposed to do. This... couldn't be happening. She looked at her
watch again, this time focusing on the hands on the dial, wanting to see
what time had done. If it was moving at all or if days had passed when
she wasn't looking. She blinked and focused. Half an hour. Thirty minutes in a
morning where the seconds had seemed to crawl by, each moment some
immeasurable and irretrievable part of a journey from the set destiny of her old
life. Her assured life with no questions, no surprises, no vulnerabilities. The life
she'd built with care. All gone now. Thirty minutes by the markings on her watch
when the only thing that had changed was everything. Her life distilled and
measured and then thrown into the December wind. Is that why the world felt so
unreal? Where everything was wavering like a mirage that wouldn't firm?
A siren warbled in the distance, its dissonance making the air in the alleyway
shiver, drowning out the roar of the racing engine that drew closer. Flashing lights
pierced the morning shadows, pulling her back, making her aware of the cold
water on her legs. White strobes that popped like camera flashes, slapping her eyes
painfully. White. As purely painful as snow.
Thirty minutes ago it had been blue lights in front of Jessica's apartment
building. So many police cars, serried ranks of them, no two pointed in the same
direction. The nice policeman had explained that her fight with the burglars had
interrupted a nearby stakeout, directional microphones pointed at the building
picking up her frenetic aggression with the pot of peas.
Wait. The robbery? You knew? You knew it was going on?
We were waiting for a suitcase full of crystal meth to show up. A couple
hundred grand worth.
So you were going to... let them be robbed?
Stuff like that happens a lot around here. We have to pick our battles. A
suitcase full of meth is bad news for hundreds of people. But you going in like
gangbusters sort of decided us. Lemme tell ya, the detectives were not happy.
And then voices, raised in anger. A thin man in a suit with slicked back hair
being held back by another suited man. This one burly. The unhappy detectives.
Well, one really unhappy one and one who did a better job of being a decent
human being.
I oughtta arrest you two for obstruction! Months of work, ruined!
252

Calm down, Tookie. Civilians.

Soo! We have to find her. We have to go.
Excuse me, you're not going anywhere except to the precinct house! There's
gonna be so much damned paperwork... Dude, I cannot believe you pushed the
button on this. A petty burglary?
You were the one taking his sweet time in the john. I made a command
decision. We're partners, remember?
I don't understand you. What were you thinking?
I was thinking that there were two women about to run into trouble. Protect
and serve? You, me? This is what we do.
Excuse me? Look, Detectives, we don't have time to waste here. Our friend-Oh, you don't have time to waste? Really? Really?
Chill out, dude. It's bad for the ticker. Ma'am, I am sorry, but we are going
to need statements from you before we can book those idiots.
I-I can go and do that.
No, Taeyeon-No, Soo. If someone has to go, it should be me. You're better for Jess-- You
go to the hospital. I can do this much.
Soo giving her an unhappy look, the one that said Taeyeon was being silly
and stubborn. But Soo had caught a taxi and raced off for the hospital while she
had climbed into the front seat of a large unmarked sedan next to the burly
detective, thankfully leaving the angry detective at the scene, yelling at the
unfortunate victims of a peas attack.
Sorry. My partner is an idiot.
I can understand his frustration. We messed up his stake.
Stake out. Out.
What?
Nothing. Whatcha got there?
Huh? The box? Oh. This is... pictures. Cards.
From the apartment?
Yes.
Friend of yours?
S-sort of.
Bad part of town.
Yes, it is. I can't believe she lives here.
Everybody's gotta live somewhere.
It's just so... dangerous. There was blood and-- and-- he had a knife. A knife.
253

I mean, I have a gun at home, but you never think about someone with a...
breaking in and...
You okay? You look a little green.
It's been a really... weird... day.
Christmas Eve. The holidays are always exciting. Oh, by the way, do you
have a lawyer?
What?
Lawyer. There might be some questions, and you might want a lawyer
around to advise you.
Why?
That wasn't your apartment.
So?
Trespassing, assault with, well, peas, and then the fire... property damage,
maybe a concussion or two, that's not trivial.
They were robbing my... friend-- Jessica. They were robbing Jessica.
I know. Still, you might wanna prepare.
Am I in trouble?
If those clowns press charges? Maybe?
Really?
I recognize two of them from priors, so you're probably okay, but repeat
offenders are like paralegals. They learn fast in the can. Civil lawsuits are no fun.
I have several lawyers on retainer. Mainly copyright law, but they should
know someone.
Ah. Good. Oh, damn. Look at this traffic.
Can't you use your police light or something?
Only in an emergency, ma'am.
Oh.
... That was pretty brave of you, what you did back there.
Huh?
Wading in with only a pot. Those guys were a lot bigger than you.
I-- I... didn't really think-- Oh, God.
What?
I think I'm going to be sick.
Hold on! I'm pulling over! I'm pulling over.
...
...
...
254

Want some water?

Yes, please.
... Here you go.
Ugh.
You'll be fine. It's a normal delayed reaction after combat.
Combat... hah.
I'm being serious. And here's the box you dropped.
T-Thank you.
Oh, this picture fell out.
... They look so happy.
Cute kids. That your friend?
Yes.
Pretty.
Yes. She is. And yet, that's the person I ignored for so long, the person I
didn't even see as a person.
Ah.
Ah?
You two an item?
What?
Uh, hey, fuggedaboutit, it's none of my business.
We... we-- no! No. No! Nothing like that.
Okay. I mean, I'm not making-- It's cool. This is New York. We love
everybody here. All sorts.
We're not-- that kind of-- of-- friendship.
Hey, if it's a one-sided thing, I can understand.
Why would you think-- what?
She's not a relative and you know, it's not like I know you or anything, but I
think I sort of know you.
Uh?
You went to town on those idiots. I was the one wearing the headphones.
You... you were righteous. She means something to you, no? More than just
friends.
Oh. I think... I'm going crazy.
The insanity defense?
It's all I've got. Why would you think-- what did I sound like?
Like someone who cared. Like how I imagine I would sound if I thought
someone was threatening my wife or daughter.
255

It's not that we-Hey, it's okay. I'm not digging for details. That's tween you two. But let me
tell you, it's nice hearing commitment.
What?
When someone is a part of you, like kids or a spouse, a lover, they matter,
they-- you'd do anything for them and you wouldn't think twice about running into
a situation if you thought they were in danger. I served two tours and the one thing
I could count on were my buddies. They had my back. We were the only real thing
to each other over there if that makes any sense. You're not a soldier but you ran
into combat without a second thought. She matters to you. That's what I heard.
Oh...
You okay to get back in the car?
Yeah-- Yeah. Let's-- Wait. Where is this? Where are we?
This? Lexington Avenue.
Is the Providence House around here?
The homeless shelter? It's down the street thataway. Two blocks?
... T-This is it.
This what? What is?
This alley. That's why it's familiar.
Uh? Huh?
This is where I saw my friend last, uh, about an hour and a half ago.
Here?
Yes! She was... she was really shaky. That's why I went to check on her at
her apartment.
Does she do drugs?
No! No. She was back here to help her sister.
Sister? The girl in the hospital? How-- Hold on. Phone... Hello, this is
Detective Ka-- Oh. It's for you. Your friend, Sooyoung.
... Hello, Soo?
She's not here. Jessica's not here. Her sister's still in the operating room but
it's not-- she's-- she's doing very poorly. There's too much bleeding and not
enough blood and they need Jessica to sign something.
Oh. Why... What... Where is-Her sister's doctor said Jessica left early this morning to go look for
matching blood, even though there isn't any in the city so-Oh, God, Soo. The-- The-- bandages!
What?
256

She had bandages on her arms! Blood. She shares blood types with her
sister, right?
Yeah. Yeah!
Jessica was giving blood. That's-- How much blood-- ask the doctor-- Sir?
Detective? D-D-Do you know how much blood a person can give i-in one day?
Uh. One unit. Only one. It makes me dizzy as hell.
Is there-- do you know this area well?
Sure, Brooklyn is my beat.
Is there a medical place back there? Like, uh, for blood transfusion? To take
blood?
Free clinic, methadone for heroin addicts. Do they take blood? I... oh, yeah,
right. I think they do. Maybe? You think your friend is there?
Can we go look? She might be in trouble. Soo, I'll call you back!
Hop in. It's really confusing from this side. We have to hook around to the
main alley.
The shabbiness of the free clinic made her want to cry. That Jessica had to
come to a place shared by addicts to donate blood for her sister. The technician
frowning at the detective's questions, digging through the box for a picture of
Jessica. None of them were recent, but she one that had the coat from this
morning. The technician nodding.
That's her. Left about an hour ago. One unit of whole. Already picked up.
Very special blood type. Yeah, she was really tired looking.
Taeyeon had never wanted to kill someone so badly. The nice detective
pulling her out before she could voice her rage.
We should look for her, not waste time.
Hands trembling in the let down of wasted adrenaline. What was wrong with
the world that no one cared about people? Jessica so tired, so hurt, so alone...
trying to help her sister.
The sun climbing higher with each passing second, her eyes following the
edges of buildings as they rolled past, expecting and willing Jessica to appear.
Wishing, hoping.
The actual appearance of the missing girl was almost anti-climactic. At first,
mistaking the shape for a small bundle of cloth. Much too small to be a person.
Jessica wasn't that small. No one was that small. But the nice detective slamming
the car to a stop, yelling on his radio, the tone of his voice telling Taeyeon of every
fear she feared, his voice calling some numbered code and other sharp words of
demand. Ambulance. Hearing that word dimly as she launched herself out of the
257

car, running towards the small bundle of clothing.

Jessica was that small. And so white. So very pale. And cold. Possessing no
breath, no heartbeat, no life.
Hearing a thin wailing sound, an animal-like keening and only by running
out of breath, being forced to draw another made her aware that she, Taeyeon Kim,
was the one wailing.

258

19. Morning's End: Second Death

aeyeon's cries rang loudly through the upper gallery and then they
dwindled, slowly falling to silence, the tableau of the world below
winding down to a trickle. Breaths were ingathered and some few
spirits hung their heads in sorrow. The elf queen had become her
inhuman self, remote and frozen, reliving memories of eons old regret. Beside her,
seemingly diminished, Seohyun was still, eyes not flinching from her onrushing
fate. She knew her time here was as good as forfeit.
Death noted everything, including the impending storm. But as always, duty
called. Her voice was loud in the stillness, implacable and certain. "Jessica Jung, a
pitiful end to a pitiful life. Her soul do I claim for judgment."
For a beat the galleries trembled as her words were heard and then a shout
lashed out.
"Sunny!" Hyoyeon's cry echoed as the small one broke her shackles with a
snarl, virulent light leaking between the fingers of her clenched fists. The celestial
shrugged aside the tatters of Hyoyeon's forbidding, focused entirely upon the
Stygian form of Death in her dead black robes. Vast founts of raging power
reverberated in Sunny's ragged exhalation, yet she did not advance, maintaining
herself by the barest whisper of control. She raised an arm and spirits drew back in
alarm as a glowing finger extended, pointing straight at Yuri. But what came forth
were only hard words, "This, this is your fault!"
Slowly, other trepidatious shouts were added from the galleries, quickly
becoming a growing cacophony. But their noise fell upon ears uncaring. Death
gave a harsh laugh. They would loathe the outsider? Fools for nattering, only
showing their unworth and impotence. Death looked out at them, unbowed,
unmoved. She scorned them. Protest as they might, the bargain would hold. As her
mother had made the heavens, as her mother had made her, all followed their set
paths and duties.
Then Yuri looked upon accuser, the angry celestial, the loudest of the spirits,
with eyes of blue fire. Her own ebon gaze narrowed, a smile curving on dusky
cheeks and scarlet lips. It was amusing. She could deny that the celestial possessed
an almost limitless power, but power without purpose was only noise. Death's
smile deepened. Yes, there was remuneration yet to gather from this one. Pain and
lessons to be learned. Life was pain, the elf had the right of it. Yuri drew herself
up, gathering darkness and using it to smother the noise. Into the silence she
259

intoned, "Visitor, I take no pleasure in my duty, but it is my duty. I only claim what
is mine to claim."
Sunny snarled at the implication that she did not belong here. She tossed
aside the dark, forcing it away from her like nebulae collapsing. Her power shone
brighter still and her voice was as vast as the void, demanding, "What right have
you to judge Jessica? Is she not dead by your hand? If you had not interfered with
my light, her death need not have happened!"
Yuri let the dark draw deeper into herself, protecting it, nourishing and
feeding upon it. Death could be patient. Stars died, over-dramatically in some
cases, seeding galaxies with their matter, but they did die. Every one and thing did.
"I remind you for the last time, Jessica's death was of her own making, a result of
her free will. We witness the acts, but we are not players on their stage. Would you
interfere with her free will when you are forbidden? Even though the yearly rite of
showing some blighted soul their past, present and future falls perilously close to
interference, still you must couch it as a dream, and you leave the soul the choice,
as you must. Free will, celestial." Yuri looked at Hyoyeon but seeing the growing
sadness there made her voice harsher. "I remind you, you who should need no
reminding that only the blinded stubbornness of fools keeps your rite a whisper
from meddling. That is your role, your duty. As you do, so do I. We must exist
within the rules. You had no right interfering with Taeyeon's choices concerning
Jessica. And I? I only claim that which is mine to claim."
"Do not lecture me upon rules! Did you not own that Jessica would be
beyond you if she died? That she would be Hyoyeon's upon her death?"
"I thought that conversation private. But no matter. Every soul is given
choice and then judged by those choices. I have looked closer upon Jessica's soul,
her thoughts as she died. I will judge her."
"What sin stains her? She died for her sister!" Sunny's words broke columns,
cracked flagstones and tossed lesser spirits from their feet.
Yuri waved dust from the air. "Did she? Then why must I judge her? What
do you do here, celestial? You would letter me upon my duties? Fool, death is my
realm."
Hyoyeon smoothly injected before Sunny could answer. Laying a calming
geas upon the star, she said, "Sunny, it is Yuri's right to judge Jessica. That is Yuri's
purpose."
Sunny's eyes flared into a blinding white, then slowly faded back to their
normal brown. Without another word she turned away, stalking out of sight.
Yuri looked at Hyoyeon, defiance heavy in her shoulders, in the tilt of her
260

head. "I did not need your protection from the likes of her."
"Sunny is not deserving of your disdain, Daughter. It is her nature to be
passionate."
"You are ill-served, if all she can be is simple-minded passion."
Hyoyeon's smile was a small thing, but the force of her voice wasn't, the
voice that would brook no argument. "Enough. That is for me to judge."
Anger. Not for Yuri's appraisal of the celestial, no. But anger over Jessica's
death? Angering Hyoyeon was always a bad idea. Yuri bowed her head in
acknowledgment, willing her annoyance at the celestial to fade away. It was of no
matter. Death would wait until the time was right. "As you say. I would go."
Hyoyeon sighed, letting her own emotion subside. Nothing could try one
like one's own child. "Yuri, you have countless capable servants. Jessica is no
longer part of this adventure and twitting Sunny's nose over Jessica's fate is hardly
suitable or worthy divertment for you."
Dark frost entered her tones, "I was not lying to the celestial when I said that
death is my realm, my duty. Not even you can tell the ways and acts to which I am
bound better than I already know. I have my duty, set upon me upon mine own
creation." By you.
Hyoyeon nodded sadly. "Very well. Upon your return."
~~~
Jessica floats; unfeeling, unseeing, unthinking. Alike to restless sleepless
rest, resting in truth but truth obtained in struggle or doubt and pain beyond
endurance only endurance remained in place and time and waiting for life to be to
change to end to-"Jessica."
Jessica stands. She looks with eyes when she'd had none the moment
before... only there hadn't been a moment before. Everything starts... when? When
the woman appears. When the park with grass, trees just greening to life, dotting a
meadow, warm air with white puffy clouds in a deep blue sky... when it all
appears. That's when everything starts.
The woman is complexioned darker than her own pale skin, in a vital and
beautiful and healthy way. Lush with life, with hair as black as her own is blonde.
Everything about the woman is diametrically different from her own wan
existence. The dark woman is potently real while Jessica feels... diaphanous,
uncertain. Even their attire is the opposite. The woman is robed thinly in black,
261

while Jessica is clothed in dimly glowing white mist.

Thought becomes speech though her mouth doesn't move. "Hello." It should
be strange, but for some reason it isn't.
"Will you walk with me?"
Jessica nods and when the woman reaches a hand out, she takes it. Fingers
intertwine with hers, firm and cool, but not hurtful, not forceful. Beckoning.
A step.
A family appears a short distance away. A girl of eight with straight black
hair, slim and frowning in jeans and a pink t-shirt that says 'Da Bomb' in white
lettering, scowling at a laughing toddler, a baby girl in a denim dress, hair tied in
pigtails, arms held by her mother as she walks step by step. The smiling father
works to set out a picnic while a dog runs back and forth, between the laughing
toddler and the picnic cloth.
Jessica frowns in recognition.
"You know them."
"That's Bongo. He's a corgi. That's why he's so short. He dies the next week.
Hit by a car."
"But there you are, already unhappy."
"They don't pay much attention to me anymore. It's all about Krystal.
Everything is for Krystal. We hadn't come to the park for two years. Mom was
pregnant and then Krystal was too small... I really loved our picnics here. And now
that she's big enough to come, all they do is spend their time with her."
"That's what you feel."
"Yes. And then in a few days, because I'm angry, I don't watch Bongo
closely enough, and he runs after a squirrel and dies."
"But you know it's not your fault."
"It isn't. It's Krystal's fault. That's how I saw it then. Krystal falls and scrapes
her knee and cries so Mom takes her into the house and she tells me to watch
Bongo. But Mom is supposed to be helping me water the flowers, so I ignore
Bongo when he runs off."
"But your parents don't blame you."
"I blame me. I know it's my fault."
"Walk with me."
A step.
Jessica and the woman, still robed, stand in an aisle of a school theater, the
thin red carpet worn gray in spots from countless parents' feet, while on the small
stage tutu'ed girls pose with thin arms raised high, twirling and spinning. One girl
262

stands out, leaping higher, less clumsily, her eyes shining.

Jessica turns her head to the row of seats next to them where the younger her
sits, at thirteen, braces glinting as she smiles at her sister's performance.
Grudgingly. But her parents clap and Dad videotapes while Mom takes photo after
photo. Ballet is so stupid.
"Here?"
"This is the part I remember. I forgot what followed for the longest time."
"And that is?"
"We go to Chuckee Cheese after. So many little screaming kids. I like pizza.
There's one cute boy who keeps looking at me, at my chest, and when I go to the
bathroom he and his friend grab me and touch me and then my father is there.
Daddy is so mad. The boys are scared and I end up crying and Dad hugs me, but I
can tell that he's furious. Daddy was a fighter when he met Mom. He's so strong
and the boys are lucky he doesn't hit them and I feel ashamed by it all. If only I
hadn't smiled at the boy earlier. And when Daddy tells me to wear looser clothing,
I hate him and I hate my chest and later Krystal keeps asking me if I thought she
did well and all I can do is nod and hate her and-- "
A step.
The mall. Clusters of teens, little cliques, wander from store to store or just
eye each other disdainfully. The seventeen year old Jessica should be home
studying. Or with her parents watching Krystal at her ballet recital, but years of
simmering resentment, teenaged angst, uncertainty at what she should do with her
life, where she should go study, what she should study, has ended in a screaming
fight and here she is, in a mall. She tells her friends her problems, how her parents
talk about sending Krystal to an insanely expensive ballet school.
She's such a princess. A spoiled brat. I hope she breaks her leg at the recital.
Her cellphone rings. Dad's phone number, only it's not Dad. Why is a state
trooper on Dad's cellphone?
"They had inflatable splints on Krystal's legs and Krystal was screaming for
Mom and Dad. The rain was everywhere... my hair was so heavy."
"And so you blamed yourself again."
"Stupid, I know. But it's like God was listening to me."
"God does listen, but she knows better than to grant wishes."
A step.
A step.
A step.
Each illustrating a moment of weakness, another defeat. Losing the house.
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Moving into the city. Krystal healing so slowly, limping heavily, but moving
about. Two years of crutches and pain whenever her sister tries to walk without
them. Trying to find out why Krystal's legs aren't healing normally. Why can't
Krystal just get better? Why is life so stupidly hard? And then... and then finding
out the reason why. Cancer? Really?
A step. Finally, some hope, a new job, a place where she can grow, where
she can earn enough to help her sister heal. It is all about Krystal. It's always been
about Krystal. If Krystal can heal, then maybe Jessica can heal. That's the thought,
the hope. But it's so tiring, every day spent in exhaustion, in struggle. Every cent
watched over and never enough to breathe, never a moment to think of anything
else.
A step. News about a new drug that can make Krystal strong enough to
attempt surgery on her legs. Krystal does well for the first month, but then in
November she has trouble eating. And every day becomes a nightmare. How can
Krystal want to live like this? With so much pain? So much uncertainty? Jessica
can't sleep, she can't focus. The Henderson files are late and the day of the
scheduled surgery looms nearer. If only Krystal can keep up her strength, there
will be enough blood. Barely. The precious, precious blood that Jessica's worked
so hard to give for months. But they can't wait any longer. It's too hard on Krystal.
They have to operate if Krystal's ever going to walk again.
A step. Her life is wrong. Wrong in some way that doesn't allow anything to
ever be right. Krystal's blood on the floor, on her wheelchair. Everything goes
wrong. A bleeding ulcer, they have to use the saved blood to save Krystal's life but
that means there's no way to save her legs. No. No. No. No way to make it better.
No way... to give Krystal her life back.
A step. Why is life so hard? At every moment, it's only gotten harder. But
Ms. Kim, chasing after her... caring for her? Such an odd event. Ms. Kim is nice?
What had that been about? But Ms. Kim can't help her. No one can. Krystal has no
one but her. No one to lean on, no one. But... now... she doesn't have to worry
anymore. It's all beyond her. She's left it behind. She's left every worry behind.
"Did you give up?"
"What?"
"Did you want to die?"
"No. What I wanted was to help my sister. And breakfast."
"Breakfast?"
"Ms. Kim was... nice. I didn't want to think about... it was nice to think about
something other than losing my sister. That's been all that I've thought about for
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years."
"You would have continued to give blood until you had none left. If your
body had held out, you would have died in the next clinic, a needle in your arm."
"Yes. I suppose."
"Is that not giving up your life? Is that not suicide?"
"I spent so much of my life hating my little sister. Resenting her."
"What did you resent the most?"
"Not dying that night. I should have been with them. I should have been in
the car with them. I should have kept Krystal from ever being hurt."
"Emotion. Not fact. Here is a fact. If you had died then, Krystal would have
been alone."
"... I know. I know."
"But the thought is alluring, is it not? Not living the life that was forced upon
you? The life where you were forced to grow up overnight. And thus you felt as if
your life was without choice."
"Well, it's not like I had a choice."
"You always have a choice. You could have had her legs amputated. That
was the advice her doctor gave you."
"No. Not that. Never that."
"You would rather die than take that from her? You fought to keep custody
of her, when you were still months away from adulthood. You could have given
her up. Was it not difficult? The child you hated as only a child can hate, without
empathy, without regret?"
"But I wasn't a child anymore. I was the adult, wasn't I? No matter how
much I wanted to run away, I couldn't. And then... then I didn't want to."
"What happened?"
"Krystal kept me sane and alive. Taking care of her was what I needed. She
supported me. The first time Krystal told me a joke, a month after the funerals,
part of me couldn't understand why the rest of me thought it was so funny. I don't
even remember the joke. Just... laughing until I was crying. Something about a
cowboy in a bar. I don't even think Krystal understood it. She was so thin, so pale
and hurt. But she laughed with me and I realized why our parents had loved her so
much. She's... a good girl. An amazingly spirited kid. That's the first time I saw her
as a person and not an annoyance. That's the first time I actually liked her. And I
only realized that she was precious to me when she was the only thing I had left.
So, no. I didn't have a choice. Krystal-- "
"Was ill. And healing her was beyond you. Did you not grasp the futility of
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trying to keep her whole?"

"She kept me going. I love my sister. I loved her more than my crappy life."
"A life you have let go."
"I did what I had to. No choice."
"Do you really believe that?"
"Yes. Yes, I do."
"That is a choice in and of itself."
"If you think so. But if you knew Krystal, you wouldn't think so."
"Even if your act saved her, she is now alone. Without you."
Jessica nods minutely. "Krystal is strong. She's so much stronger than I am.
She-- I leaned on her. She kept me going and sane, even through the hardest times.
Is she going to make it? Is... did-- did I do enough?"
"You ask when you know that your best effort was destined to fall short?"
"I couldn't... do... I had nothing left. Is there more I could have done?"
"When you left the hospital, you had a barely formed plan, to save her legs.
To secure enough blood for her so that she could walk again."
"Yes."
"Four units in not enough for that. In that you failed, as you knew you
would. In acting through futility, you rob your sister of her only family, her only
support, for if you leaned upon her, do you not think she leaned upon you? Let me
ask you, Jessica Jung, would she have wanted you to give up your life for her
legs? You know the answer. No. Not for her legs and not even for her life."
Jessica smiled sadly and nodded. "That's my sister, but I am the older. It was
my choice, not hers."
"Child, you do not make my decision easy."
"Hmm?"
"Do I take you with me? Or do I give you to my mother? Your life has been
a torment, a penance, for if you did fall to jealousy and envy, you did learn a better
way and you labored to make right your perceived wrongs in life. Perceived
wrongs, for a child is not judged to the same standards as an adult. You
understand? The guilt you carried was a burden you had no claim to, for children
are innocent."
"Innocent? Who, me?"
"Yes. In many ways you remained pure. A surprising turn of discovery."
"W-who are you? Where... is this?"
"Nowhere and I am no one you need know."
"I don't understand. Why am I here?"
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"Ah. An answer I should give you, though you will remember not. The same
question I have asked myself many times. What do I do here? Is love enough? But
I sought you out for my own reasons. Simply, you are a puzzle to me, Jessica
Jung."
"I... huh?"
"No matter, child, no matter. To the point. Would you like to live again?"
"What?"
"I sense in you a vast relief, in knowing you have left your burdens behind.
And yet you did not seek an end. You did not intend your death, though you knew
you risked it. Yet I sense no malice nor self-malice in you. So it is with a free
conscience that I ask, do you wish to live again?"
"B-But I'm dead."
"An excuse, not an answer."
"Life was so hard. So difficult. There was... hope, but every time I thought I
could allow myself to feel it, something else went wrong. And I just ended up
hurting the ones I loved. That I love. I... wonder if Krystal's life wouldn't have
been easier if I hadn't wanted her to walk so much. I forced her to exercise on
those crutches and she would be crying in pain and I... and even the medicine, the
new medicine, the one that made her bleed... Did she take it for me? Did she know
how much I was hoping? Because she would do that. She'd do anything I asked
her to. Did she suffer, did she hurt so much, for me? It's just... I-If she's cured
then... then... then I could breathe. Does-- Isn't it easier if I stay dead? For her? For
me?"
"You think yourself a failure."
"Yes. Krystal needs more than I can do. I could never do enough. Even to
death."
"But do you think your sister judged you so? Was your sister disappointed in
you?"
"... No."
"No one could say that you did not try your hardest, or that it was your spirit
that failed you. I do not see failure. I see a life interrupted. I see potential
unrealized."
"It doesn't matter if she thought so. I know I failed her. I messed up so much.
I didn't get the Henderson files to the printers. I don't think I locked the apartment
door. We probably got robbed. Why would you give me a second chance? Why do
I deserve a second chance?"
The darker woman smiled at her. "Because you are a good person, and there
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are not enough good people in the world."

"I... I don't know. I'm scared. I'm afraid. Nothing's changed. Krystal's legs...
I... can't change anything. I can't make anything better."
"Fear... yes. We all fear. But let me show you something."
"What?"
"Walk with me."
A step. The alleyway. Only it's full of emergency vehicles. The woman leads
her to an ambulance and there is her body, lying on a gurney. And Ms. Kim? Ms.
Kim is holding her hand, much like this woman is holding her hand. A paramedic
is arranging an electric blanket around her dead body in the chill air, while another
ventilates her with a hand held bag. A defibrillator waits, beeping and charging.
The paramedics keep telling Ms. Kim to move, to let go, to get out of the
ambulance.
"Why... why is Ms. Kim here? Why is she crying? I-- I don't understand."
"You have been alone in your responsibility, for years."
"Yes."
The ambulance is leaving, Ms. Kim still stubbornly present despite the
paramedics best efforts to eject her.
The dark woman pulls Jessica into the ambulance. She has a thought, that
she should be afraid of riding in it with a dead body. But it's her dead body. So it
that okay?
"Why did you choose to stay alone?"
"There were, oh, I guess a lot of people who wanted... who tried to get-- I
mean, I've been asked out a lot."
"Understandably." The dark woman looks down at her dead face, surrounded
by wet blonde hair. The face is mostly covered by a plastic mask with a bag
attached that the paramedic squeezes rhythmically. As if she can see through the
mask the woman tilts her head and says, "You are not unattractive. But you never
allowed yourself the thought; that you could care for someone, that someone could
care for you. Why?"
Jessica floats above herself. There was a strange distance to it all, immediacy
not brought by proximity. But what Jessica finds herself fascinated by is Ms.
Kim's animation, by her passion, her fervor and pain. "... How could I think about
a life? How could I want someone to share my problems? How could I imagine
someone caring about me?"
The dark woman smiled, a lopsided thing. Really, she was lovely. More
vibrant and real than everything else around her. "Jessica Jung, I know something
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of life and death. Will you hear me?"

"Okay."
"Clear!" The paramedic grabs Ms. Kim's hand and pulls it off of the dead
hand and the machine beeps. The body jumps and light flashes in Jessica's eyes.
"Jessica, life is about connection. No one lives by herself without affecting
others. Looking at Ms. Kim, what do you see?"
Ms. Kim looks at the monitor, at the paramedic with his stethoscope as he
listens. The body's shirt is open, her favorite bra wet and clinging, the skin so pale
it looks like plastic. But Ms. Kim's face is a study of agony, tears relentless in
turning her makeup to ruin, her eyes to red.
"Is she crying for me? But I... what am I to her?"
"On this day, a touch of madness and doubt. But you did share a common
desire."
"We did?"
"She wishes a different life. She wishes to be more than alone, more than
she's known so far."
"Clear!"
Another flash of white.
"But that has nothing to do with me. I can't-- I can't help her. Can I?"
"That is my question to you."
"... How do I answer? How-- when I'm afraid?"
"Child, connection means empathy and caring, wishing and wanting more
for others than for yourself. Can you understand what that means?"
"That's not something I can have."
"That is not something that you have allowed yourself to have."
"Clear!" The flash hurts.
"I don't deserve life. I don't deserve my sister."
"Your sister deserved you. And you deserve this. Humanity has at its heart
the ability to astonish, to rouse heaven's jealousy with its ability to become more.
Understand that your life was a gift, as much as if felt like a curse, it was given
you and you must hold it fast."
"Why? Why?"
"Why, indeed. Look at her, your would-be savior. Look at her desolation, her
defeat. See her in her acceptance of your death. You do not know Ms. Kim, but she
has had a difficult life, one that she's lived alone, in perpetual defeat. Like you."
Ms. Kim shouts, "Why are you shutting off the defibrillator? What are you
doing?"
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The paramedic sighs. Why had the detective insisted that this wacko ride
back with the body? "Miss, she's gone. I'm sorry. Her body temp is below 55. I
don't know how it got that low in a hour. I mean, she's small, thin. Maybe it's all
the missing blood, maybe it's the ice water she was laying in, but that's not
survivable. It's no use."
"Well, give her blood! Don't you have blood? Isn't this an ambulance? Keep
trying! Keep trying until we get to the hospital! Do it!"
The paramedic blows out his breath. His supervisor will ask him what he
was thinking, wasting precious O Neg on a corpse. Yeah, sure, there's always the
odd case of someone coming back from what looked like death due to
hypothermia, but that's because their vitals are knocked so low by the cold that
they look dead. This lady is dead! But the little one is giving him a look that
combines the worst of every authority figure he's ever known in his life and he
swallows. Fine. Whatever. He can blame the detective for saddling him with this
nutcase.
He switches on the defib, looking at its charge bar. Another few minutes till
the hospital. Let them deal with the crazy... sister? Wife? Whatever. A final sigh
and he hooks two units of O Neg to the tree and another of warm lactated saline.
For the dead woman.
Too bad, too. She was a pretty little thing.
"He thinks I'm pretty and that Ms. Kim is crazy."
"Both true, to an extent."
"She's not admitting defeat. I'm dead. She's holding my dead hand and she
won't admit it."
"She understands something that you do not."
"I don't-- who are you?"
"I am someone who would see you try again."
"Why? Why do you care?"
"Because I have never had even one life. None of my children have ever
lived one life. But you can."
I'm afraid."
"We all are, dear. We all are."

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20. Morning's End: Third Degree

or Taeyeon the world was in motion, light and dark, cold and warm,
smells of exhaust and then disinfectant, the frenetic activity of moving
bodies and stumbling steps. People were talking at her, imperatives and
questions passing back and forth, sometimes pushing her, pulling at her,
but the world didn't matter. The world was Jessica's cold hand in hers.
Then something stopped Taeyeon, something large and blue and immovable,
pulling Jessica's hand away, leaving it to dangle from the edge of a disappearing
gurney as doors swished shut.
Words impacted. "Hold on! You can't come in here."
Taeyeon was left breathless by the cessation of motion and she dragged her
eyes from the doors to the obstacle in front of her. Up and up her eyes climbed,
until they ran into another pair of eyes set in a dark face. A big black man,
unsmiling, an ID tag hanging around his neck. He was in her way.
Taeyeon shook her head and tried to step around him. "No! I have to-- "
He moved with a quickness that matched hers. The big man's deep voice
wasn't unkindly, but it was firm. "Ma'am, you're not allowed into the treatment
areas. Not even family. There's a waiting room over there."
Taeyeon tried the other way, but he shifted with her. "W-What's going to
happen to her? What's going to-- "
"The doctors are going to assess her and I can't say more than that."
Taeyeon felt the world turning white and then dark, her head pounding at the
frustration. She knew what he was saying, thinking. He probably dealt with all
sorts of worried people in the emergency room, saw distraught spouses and parents
and siblings, but none of that was important. Only Jessica was important. "Assess
her? What's to assess? She needs CPR-- life support! She's wasn't breathing!"
"Ma'am, I can't answer any questions. You can head over to the waiting room
and talk to the administrator there, if you're family."
Taeyeon's mind ran in a loop, reliving moments of the eternity since she'd
found Jessica. The ambulance in the alleyway, the paramedics. Jessica's shirt open
and her skin so pale... so pale as to not seem human.
Jessica was in there, beyond her reach. The paramedic ignoring her
questions, her demands as he tinkered with IV's and injections, talking on his radio
to someone... someone here at the hospital. The same paramedic noting her
shivering and giving her a blanket and warming packs, his face grim as he listened
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to Jessica's chest after each jolt from the beeping machine. The small unconscious
shaking of his head when he'd heard nothing, time and again.
Most of all, Taeyeon remembered the icy chill of Jessica's fingers. A chill
that seemed to reach into her own heart.
"The waiting room, that way. You can ask about the patient there."
A minute or a moment and she found herself standing in front of a
questioning face.
"She-- J-Jessica Jung. She-- They-- Hypothermia. She just came in, a minute
or two ago."
"What's your relationship with the patient?"
"I-I-- What?"
"Who are you?"
"T-Taeyeon Kim."
"And your relationship to the patient?"
"Can you just tell me how she is?"
The reply was dry and well rehearsed, "I won't know that until the doctors
do their assessment, but I also can't tell anyone who isn't family of the patient,"
and then an empty smile that pretended to be apologetic. The woman's eyes were
polite and distant, business-like in a pinched middle-aged face. A look Taeyeon
was well familiar with. Even the eyes that were already sliding past Taeyeon,
seeing if anyone else needed their attention. How many times had Taeyeon done
the same thing at meetings? How many times had she done the same thing to
Jessica Jung?
"Look, Jessica wasn't breathing. S-She-- the attendants, when they were
moving the gurney, they weren't using the bag. Her heart wasn't beating! She
needs to breathe!" To live!
"I'm sure it's been a difficult time, but I don't have any information yet.
Sorry."
Taeyeon had never felt so helpless. Was this-- "Her sister!"
"Excuse me?"
"Her sister is-- Is her sister in this hospital? What hospital is this?"
"Beth Israel, in Brooklyn."
Taeyeon blinked. Was that... was Sooyoung here... somewhere?
"Are you her sister?"
"What? No. No, her sister, is she in this hospital. Can-- No. She's in the
operating room, isn't she."
The administrator blinked. This bedraggled looking woman was a mess, her
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makeup smeared something horrible and speaking disconnected nonsense. Stress

did funny things to people. "Look, ma'am, maybe you should sit down and get
yourself together, or call someone?"
"I don't have anyone, or she's already here, I mean. I mean, what I mean is
that my friend, I think my friend is already here with Jessica's sister. Jessica is the
woman in your emergency room. Her sister, Jessica's sister is in an operating room
somewhere else in this hospital and my friend who I really need right now is
somewhere else... here, too. I think."
The administrator slid her eyes sideways at the big black orderly. Taeyeon
wanted to scream at the silent plea for help in them.
"I'm not crazy. I'm not. I just need to know how Jessica is doing."
The administrator sighed. "If the patient is unconscious, she can't give
consent for information to be released. Family only. Those are the rules. You're not
her sister?"
"No! No. C-Can you tell me if there is another patient, last name Jung, that
can't be too common a name, here, is she here in the hospital?"
"Are you immediate family?"
Taeyeon felt her eyes start to bulge. And that's when the nice Detective
walked in. Taeyeon ran over to him, her mouth opening to scream and yell at this
messed up world when he handed her his phone.
"It's your friend."
Taeyeon swallowed the screams. She loved this man. He was a good man.
She nodded silent thanks and took the phone.
"Soo?"
"Taeyeon, are you okay?"
"I need you."
"I'm in the elevator, sweetie. The detective said he was following the
ambulance. I'll be there in five minutes. It's a long way."
"Soo, s-she's not breathing. She-- Jessica's heart wasn't beating, and they
won't let me see her, stay with her. They won't tell me anything."
"I'll be there as soon as I can."
"Okay. Hurry."
Taeyeon gave the detective his phone back and he handed her a
handkerchief, motioning at his eyes.
Eyes? Oh. Makeup. Stupid makeup.
Then acting as if Taeyeon wasn't listening the Detective pulled out his badge
and flashed it at the administrator. "I'm Detective Kim, 42nd precinct. There was a
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patient just came in, a Jessica Jung. Hypothermia and blood loss. Can you get a
doctor to tell me how she's doing?"
The administrator gave Taeyeon a disapproving look. Taeyeon turned and
slowly walked away, dabbing at her eyes. Not too far. Just within earshot.
"It'll be a moment, Detective."
A phone call was made and terse words exchanged and a minute later a
harried looking doctor strode out.
"Doc."
"Detective."
"What's the word?"
"She's dead."
"Hypothermia-- no chance?"
"The core temp is too low to expect anything. We'll get her temp up before
declaring a time of death, since that's what the law requires, but she's not coming
back. Which is all beside the point, she has a DNR bracelet."
"DNR?"
"Do Not Resuscitate."
"I know what it means. Why?"
"Ah. It's usually for older people. Maybe someone who was terminally ill or
maybe they've seen someone linger in a coma. People get 'em to avoid financial
ruin for their families, or they just don't like the thought of being on life support...
lots of reasons."
"So no... "
"Heroic measures. Yeah. Like I said, she's not coming back. On the plus
side, she's a organ donor, and the hypothermia helps with that."
Taeyeon found herself holding the doctor's lapels, dragging the much taller
man's face down to hers.
"No. You bring her back."
The doctor tried to free himself, but the small, angry woman had a grip like a
vise. He shot a look at the detective who sighed.
"Ma'am, let the nice doctor go."
"She's not dead. She just needs help."
"If what the doc says is true, there's nothing you can do. Legally, there's
nothing the hospital can do. Hell, her sister can't do anything, even if she was
conscious to do it. Your friend told me she's a minor, and you said Jessica doesn't
have any other family, right? Right? This is... This is Jessica's decision."
Taeyeon loosened her grip. This couldn't be happening. Why would Jessica
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have something like a DNR? What-- No. It didn't matter, right? That was Jessica's
business, Jessica's decision. It shouldn't matter to one Taeyeon Kim.
But if it didn't matter, did anything matter?
What was wrong with the world?
The image of Jessica Jung walking away, down the alley towards her death
repeated in Taeyeon's mind, the blonde hair turning into a dark silhouette just as
she turned the corner. Why... why had she tried to help the woman? Why was she
even here, in this emergency room, feeling as if she were going mad? Futility, it
was all futility.
Dimly she was aware of other people, some watching a small woman being
pulled off of a doctor who straightened his white lab coat, some going about their
business, working or waiting. Down a long hallway she saw her friend trotting
towards her, light and then dark, light and then dark, passing narrow windows. Soo
cared. Soo didn't believe in futility.
And in the emergency room on the other side of the wall was a woman she'd
ignored, a woman who was leaving her only sister alone in the world. Why... why
wasn't life worth fighting for? Her own life, okay, it wasn't much, it wasn't as if
anyone would miss her when she was gone, it wasn't as if she'd made much of an
impact to anyone else besides her crazy friend.
Did Jessica-- Had Jessica thought the same?
The tired, wan face, peeking around her door, stuttering in fear... the same
face smiling, taking a rain check on breakfast before giving her life up. Jessica had
cared. Just not enough for herself.
Who was Jessica Jung to her? An employee? A missed connection? A chance
meeting in an alley? An example of what family could be? And more importantly,
who was Taeyeon Kim to Jessica Jung? Someone who cared? Someone who
couldn't even care for herself, wanting to help someone else?
Who was Taeyeon Kim? A different person today from the person she'd
been. Someone who could feel. Feelings that she'd never known existed, crying
tears that she'd never known existed. Wondering and questioning and feeling...
Jessica Jung had sacrificed her life for her sister. The juice boxes and candy bars,
living in that horrible apartment building in that horrid neighborhood... working
for a horrible person.
Taeyeon felt the world shaking, shivering. Could a person change? Could a
person deserve better?
Someone's voice asked, "Can family, adult family, change the order? The
DNR thing?"
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"Uhh, yeah. A spouse or parent or an adult sibling."

It sounded like someone else's voice, only, it was her mouth, her voice that
said, "She's my wife."
"Excuse me?"
"Jessica Jung. She's my wife."

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21. Morning's End: Four Cornered

oona paced. And paced some more. She glanced at the cup of orange
juice, untouched, next to the cup of coffee, also untouched, next to the
plate holding a waffle, also untouched. Well, that was the problem,
wasn't it? Breakfasts with Sooyoung were fun events normally and one
of the things among all the other things that she so enjoyed about coming home.
Home. Home? An old house that had belonged to Sooyoung's parents?
Yoona snorted. A small house in a suburb on Long Island, so different from her
house in Malibu, from the swank Manhattan penthouse apartment that she'd given
up. Small rooms, low ceilings, pine flooring, though the kitchen was thankfully
somewhat modern. But this house wasn't why she spent her weekends here. This
house wasn't home without Sooyoung.
Yoona sat at the table, tapping her fingers, not looking at her phone.
She said she loved me.
"What does that even mean?" Her words hung unanswered, the same as the
three times she'd already said them. Her tummy twisted and she pushed the plate
away, frowning furiously.
A small part of her wondered at the absurdity she found herself in. She was
one of the hottest up and coming stars, subject of tabloids and dating rumors, she
had an agent who'd had to hire two assistants just to handle the calls from casting
directors and fashion houses and magazines and advertising agencies... people
wanted her, wanted to be around her. People desired whatever it was they thought
she had. But Sooyoung wanted... the woman under it all. Sooyoung hated glitz and
pomp and air kisses. Her love cared about people. The poor, the sick, the hungry
and homeless, and Yoona had wondered what they could be to each other coming
from such different worlds. Sooyoung had come into her life like a rope thrown to
a drowning woman... no, to a woman who had lost gravity's touch, floating ever
upwards, losing sight of what it meant to be human. Soo was her anchor to safety
and humanity and... love. It was enough, more than enough, a sufficiency of sanity
and warmth and connection.
Sooyoung and she were different. Different lives, different passions... the
woman had never even been out to California, much less attended any of the
Hollywood parties that were part and parcel of a life in showbiz. Premieres,
fashion shows, stints on those moronic 'reality' shows... granted Yoona found them
horribly tedious, but they were a necessary chore for an up and coming actress...
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And it wasn't as if she could take Soo to any of those things, not as she'd like
to... as a significant... other? A girlfriend? Not a girlfriend, but a girlfriend.
Or wife? Wife. Yoona looked at her hand and felt a familiar tremor in her
tummy. It was a big step, even if they were going to keep it quiet. Secret... as if
loving Sooyoung was something shameful?
I'm so... happy.
Ummm. But?
But?
That look.
What look?
You were kissing me like mad a minute ago, but now you're looking...
queasy.
Oh. I-- I was just thinking about how I'm going to tell... Harry.
Your publicist?
Mmhmm.
I guess you could invite him. I don't have a flower girl in mind, yet. How do
you think he'd look in fuchsia?
Hah! No... No.
Is he a red head? Red heads are tough to dress for weddings.
Be serious, Soo.
Your career.
My career.
Look, kiddo, I love you, not your work, not your fame, not anything but you.
So despite your work and fame, it'll be okay. We live in a world that still has...
issues with reality and that's a reality that we'll deal with together. Comfortably.
You... mean...
I mean, if being with you means keeping our relationship out of the public
eye, then I can deal with that. I won't hide you from my family and my friends, but
you also never need to worry about any of them telling anyone else about you.
Until you're ready, until you're at a place in your career where you can be open, I
can wait in your closet.
But-- but I can't ask that of you! You're so strong and-- and right... how can I
expect you to hide-The love of my life? The woman with whom I'm going to grow old and
wrinkled? Dear, love is sacrifice. Love is being enriched, in health or sickness,
wealthy or poor, but together. It doesn't matter if you-- who you kiss on screen,
Brad or Chris or Jake or whoever. It's who you come home to.
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You.
That's right. I'll be your home for as long as you want me.
Yoona grew aware of the smile on her face. Sooyoung was... perfect. Her
love who made her happier and more complete than she'd ever thought possible...
But when that woman said things like 'She said she loved me,' with a
bemused, amused and pleased look... what? What?
What was she supposed to feel? Insecure. Humpf.
Sooyoung was gorgeous. Charismatic and sweet and wise and so, so sexy.
How the woman of her dreams had been single was always a mystery to Yoona,
but Soo had her moments. They fought, they had off days, just like everyone else.
Soo had things she wouldn't talk about, which... which was okay. And there were
things that Sooyoung Choi wouldn't budge on, ideas and causes that she cared
about. That was fine. That was Soo.
But the knot, the root of it all was Taeyeon Kim, Soo's partner at Apex. What
hold did the woman have on her love? 'She said she loved me'?
Yoona looked across the foyer at the coffee table in the living room. At the
stack of papers and folders she'd brought for Soo to look at, from the biggest and
best advertising agencies in the city, which meant the biggest and best in the
world. And Soo could have her pick of any of them. She was well known for her
charity work, her talent, her model-like looks.
But did her partner, Taeyeon Kim, even notice?
Well, perhaps she did, given the very strange call of this morning.
Yoona felt a headache working up steam. Some of that was from jet lag and
long hours during the week and hours of tossing and turning after Soo had left
her... alone... in bed.
Yoona growled and picked up her phone, unlocking it with a swipe... and
then she paused.
Damn it. Was she-- No. No! She was not being insecure... for no cause. Was
she? Soo had never played games with her. She'd always been open and honest...
and busy... and overworked... and unappreciated by her partner and Apex might be
doing great on paper, but Soo still drove that blue piece of crap every day into the
city, pouring her sweat and effort into a place that just left her wilting on the sofa
at night.
Why?
So what if she'd made a company with Taeyeon... was it like... a child to her?
Something to nurture and raise? But, no. No. Taeyeon was the child, the
demanding, mean-spirited, cantankerous child who took most of Soo's attention.
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Soo who ran on four or five hours of sleep a night. Who waited for her to
come home every Friday night with a kiss and a smile and dark rings under her
eyes.
Soo was going to work herself to death... for what?
"I-I'm rich! I-I'm good looking. I'm... I can take care of her! Her every...
need." Yoona sighed and put her phone down.
Months. Months of getting to know why Soo was perfect for her, funny and
sharp and demanding and supportive and inventive and, and so, so, so loving.
Yoona looked at the ring on her hand. Nothing was more important than Soo.
Nothing.
If she had to go fight Taeyeon Kim for Soo's heart, then damn it, she was
going to do exactly that.
Yoona stood up, pulling fingers through her long brown hair with one hand
while dialing Samuel, her normal driver when she needed one.
Thirty minutes? Good, just enough time to get prettied up. If Soo saw her in
the same room with Taeyeon... well, how pretty could Taeyeon actually be?
Yoona paused and bit her lip. But-- But Soo was much too smart to be hung
up on looks. And wasn't she going to come across as desperate? Should she just
stay here... and-- Oh, hell no. No! Yoona blew out her breath. Soo was worth
fighting for. That was the one thing she knew.
~~~
"Hi! It's me."
"Oh. Hi... sweetie. Oh, hon... "
"What-- Soo? What's going on? What's wrong?"
"I'm-- There's-- I'm in Brooklyn, at a hospital."
"What-- Why? Why? Are you okay?"
"I'm fine. I'm-- One of our employees-- her sister-- no blood. How can there
be no blood? It's a stupid hospital! And-- they just found her and the detective said
it doesn't look like she's-- Oh, honey... "
"What? Soo! You're not making any sense."
"Uh, we have an employee named Jessica who has a very sick sister and
she's-- Oh, God. Where do I start?"
"Which hospital?"
"Uh-- Beth-- Beth Israel? Yeah."
"Samuel! Damn it, where's the button-- Samuel! Brooklyn, Beth Israel
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hospital? You know where it is? Good. Step on it! Soo, baby, I'm on my way."
"Oh. Okay. I love you."
"Love you!"
~~~
The emergency entrance was the fastest way into the hospital and Yoona
sprang from the limo almost before it stopped. She started to worry about how she
was going to find Soo but there she was, just inside the entrance.
Sooyoung was pulling a very angry little woman away from an officious
looking man who had an officious looking biddy hiding behind him while two
other men, one in blue scrubs and lab coat, the other in a cheap looking suit that
yelled, COP, looked on with expressions of bemusement. If Yoona had to guess,
she would have said it was a classic scene of a hospital administrator facing down
a honey badger.
"What do you mean you don't believe me? Jessica Jung is my wife! So you,
and you, and you, doctor, you get her hooked up to the thing, anything that you
need to hook her up to and you save her life!"
Other people were paused in their doings, watching the scene.
"Ma'am, Jessica Jung has no family other than her sister who is also in this
hospital. Her insurance is never going to cover any of this, given the DNR
bracelet. Even if you got married last week, as you say, her insurance has no
record of any such thing and they are the ones who'd be responsible for any care
we give her, and given that Ms. Jung's relationship with her insurance company is
already delinquent with respects to her sister's care, it--"
"Soo! Tell them how much I'm worth! How much we're wor--"
"All of which is beside the point. Without clear documentation, the hospital
cannot risk litigation-- "
"Litigation? I'm going to sue everyone here for every penny your
unconceived great-grandchildren might think of finding on the street!"
Yoona had never seen so much rage in such a small package. It was a display
of breathtaking projection. The doctor looked as if he was going to run away, the
cop had turned a shade paler, but the administrator was made of sterner stuff. In
the movie biz he'd be a producer weathering a tantrum from one of his stars, only
concerned about the money.
"I don't have any children but I do have to follow rules. The bracelet says no
heroic measures. Measures that the patient couldn't begin to afford. Measures that
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the patient didn't want used, probably for that exact reason."
Behind her sunglasses Yoona's eyes narrowed. Money. Well, hospitals did
run on it. The small woman began to snarl.
Sooyoung, her back to Yoona, was struggling to keep a firm grip. "Taeyeon!
Stop!"
"She's dying, Soo! Jessica is-- "
"Dead. And she didn't want-- "
"No! I can reverse the DNR, as her wife!"
"But the insurance-- "
"Screw the insurance! We're rich!"
"It's paper wealth, sweetie. We'd need to convert-- "
Yoona smoothly stepped up, taking off her sunglasses. Everyone looked at
her smile, pausing, blinking, as if the sun had broken into the room.
"Hi, Soo."
"Ah. You're here."
The officious woman behind the administrator blinked at Yoona, recognition
dawning, "Ooh. You're-- "
"A friend of the family." Yoona panned her smile around and then fixed her
most charming look at the administrator before continuing, "I couldn't help but
overhear that this hospital is trying to deny the rights of a spouse to dictate the
methodology of care for her loved one. Especially given that we're talking about a
same-sex marriage, one wonders, could prejudice be involved?"
The administrator began to splutter. "Th-That's really not-- Of course we-- "
Yoona fixed him in place when she added a touch of menace to her
expression, her smile becoming predatory. "I can have a news crew from every
network and cable channel here in twenty minutes to cover this possibly egregious
abrogation of civil rights. Would you like to be interviewed?"
"N-Now, let's not be-- "
"Of course I'd be happy to cover any medical expenses incurred by the
hospital doing the right thing, you know, as a friend of the family."
"O-Of c-course, miss, w-we'd be happy to-- "
"Oh, very good. Is there a private waiting room where my friends and I
could adjourn to, while you save the life of my friend's wife?"
"S-Sur-- Yes. T-This way. Doctor, you may proceed with the heart-lung
machine."
Yoona smiled at the honey badger and the honey badger blinked in return,
surprise keeping her silent. So this was Taeyeon Kim. Not very attractive, with
282

makeup that desperately needed attention, but the possessive way she held Soo's
arm was a bit bothersome. Yoona kept her expression smooth and soothing. She
was not jealous, mustn't seem jealous, jealousy was not the appropriate emotion
for this trying time, and she certainly wasn't going to be jealous of a married
woman.

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22. Morning's End: Fifth Element

ooyoung managed to keep a small smile in place as she closed the door in
the face of the administrator, then she peeked out to make sure he was
walking away before she firmly shut it, blowing out a breath in tempered
relief. She felt Yoona behind her and she turned and hugged her lover,
breathing for a few moments, taking strength from Yoona's return embrace.
Oh, this felt like the only good thing left in the world.
Finally Soo let go with a silent look of thanks at her love, this incredibly
gorgeous and wonderful person who had fallen into her life from some place
where harps strummed and she rounded on Taeyeon. Her partner stood in the
middle of the waiting room, looking broken, staring blankly at the plush furniture,
as if she'd forgotten what chairs were. Instead she was propped upright, not
wavering exactly, but leaning, like a house of cards that would collapse at the
slightest touch. Taeyeon looked as spent and frazzled as Soo felt. And even more
lost.
Soo had thought she'd known this woman, known her for more than a
decade. But who was this? Sooyoung took a deep breath and then said, "Taeyeon?"
Taeyeon's eyes focused slowly, coming back to here and now.
"What?"
"Are you insane?"
"Yes, Soo. I am. I've been telling you."
"I told you to take it slow! How can... you... "
Yoona blinked at the words, at the mystery of a conversation that was
ongoing and incomplete. "W-What's going on?"
Sooyoung sighed. Introductions were in order. "Yoona, Taeyeon, my insane
partner. Taeyeon, Yoona, my fianc."
Taeyeon nodded at the incredibly beautiful woman next to Soo. Soo's fianc.
It would have been easy to mistake her for an angel. Certainly she'd come into the
emergency room like a balm of sanity and calm. "Yoona. Yes. Thank you for your
help. I was very close to killing that man."
"I could tell. What's... going on?"
Sooyoung shook her head, trying to force her mind into action, trying to
grasp the ungraspable. "My insane partner lied in front of a policeman and the
hospital staff."
Yoona blinked, tilting her head artfully, unconsciously. But she caught on
284

fast enough. "About... Oh. So, you're not... married to Jessica?"

Taeyeon admitted the lie with utter uncare. "No. It was the only thing I could
think of to get around the DNR."
Sooyoung threw her hands up into the air and said, "And that! That's another
thing, Taeyeon. How could you go against Jessica's wishes like that?"
"Because she didn't mean it, Soo. She couldn't have!"
"How do you know? Do you-- Why... Taeyeon, you don't even know Jessica!
First her apartment, I-I mean, the alley, then the apartment... and now this? What...
what is going on with you today?"
"I don't know. You've-- you've been with me every step of the way."
"And none of those steps... are... okay, okay, you're doing-- you were doing
fine, but then you decide to jump off a cliff? Huh? Why?"
Yoona's mind whirled on the scope of the issue. That was quite a lie.
"Taeyeon, if you're not married to her, you could get sued. Or in trouble with the
law."
Yoona took a step back when the honey badger whirled on her and snapped,
"I know! I'm not stupid." Then Taeyeon blinked and sighed. "Sorry, Yoona. You're
here to help. I'm... I can be rude, and I don't mean-- You're Soo's girlfriend, so that
means I have to love you... too. Do I?"
Sooyoung barked a short laugh, despite the tragedy and impending disaster.
Taeyeon was clueless, still so... what? Innocent? Sort of. "Maybe later, Taeyeon.
Being civil is a good start."
Taeyeon nodded her head, deliberately. "Okay. Look, Soo, Yoona, it doesn't
matter if I get sued. I don't care. And yes, Soo, I know that sounds crazy, but I
realize some things are more important than... money. If Jessica Jung comes
through this and wants to sue me, I can live with that. What I can't live with is the
thought that I was-- that I could have helped her before she died. So, yeah. I want
to help her, even if she doesn't want my help. That's the important thing. The only
thing. And, Yoona, thank you for offering, but you don't-- I'll pay for Jessica's care,
if I have any money left after I get sued, that is."
Sooyoung closed her mouth with a click, swallowed and then asked, "Okay.
Really. Who are you?"
Taeyeon wailed, "I don't know!" She took three flouncing, frustrated steps
towards a seat and then spun away from them, looking as if she didn't know what
to do with herself. Finally she turned back to face the pair of concerned faces. Her
shoulders slumping, she said, "Today? I don't know. I'm sorry, Soo, to involve you
in this... I'm just gonna... I'm gonna sit out in the hall. I'd like to think for a while.
285

Alone. I want to keep an eye on the doctors, to make sure they're doing what they
should be doing. They have to warm her up and then... then see if the... the cold is
supposed to keep brain damage from... but... "
"Yeah."
"It was nice to meet you, Yoona. I can see that Soo is lucky to have you. I'll
be outside. You... take care of Soo."
Yoona watched the smaller woman walk out. She seemed... so lost. Yoona
turned to Sooyoung, to see an expression of bewilderment and worry there on her
love's face. She opened her arms and Soo walked into them and they stood for a
long time in silence.
~~~
"Where did that woman go?"
"Who?"
"Uh, the doctor said she was.... Asian, thin, tall, pretty? She was looking
for-- "
"Oh. Umm, main wing? About fifteen minutes ago. She got a phone call and
ran out."
"And there's no... Damn."
"What's up?"
"I need to get this consent form signed."
"For who?"
"The kid with the legs, Krystal Jung."
"Oh. Yeah. Amputations?"
"Now or never. And if it's delayed, bam. Necrosis, gangrene. Ugh. Shame,
she was so wanting to get the tumors out."
"It's gonna be tough to wake up to no legs."
"Yeah... what a day. But no blood left after we got her ulcers patched up.
That kid... I don't know how she kept on for so long. The pain must have been
horrible. Good thing those four units showed up, incredible really, considering
how rare the blood type is. Where is her sister? I need this form signed."
"Wait. Oh! Jung, right?"
"Yeah."
"That's why that name sounded so familiar."
"What?"
"Jessica Jung?"
286

"Yeah. That's the sister."

"You didn't hear?"
"What? I've been in the operating room all morning."
"Where was it... Oh. Got it. Jessica Jung, code blue, came into the
emergency room about twenty minutes ago, big uproar."
"Code-- cardiac arrest? Really?"
"Hypothermia, severe.... and she's missing a lot of blood? What? No trauma
codes... huh."
"Wha-- No! The... the blood... "
"What?"
"The four units that came in!"
"What about them? Wait. You're kidding me. There's no way. There's no way
she gave four-- "
"Enough to make her pass out in the cold?"
"... In snow and ice. And die. What a mess."
"What fuss?"
"What?"
"Was that the fuss?"
"Oh, yeah. No. The wife."
"Wife? Whose wife?"
"Her wife."
"She has a wife?"
"She has a wife. Becky was telling me that this little Asian woman was
ripping Caldwell a new one about insurance and familial consent and a DNR."
"They're not trying to revive her?"
"It'd be a long shot to begin with. Core temp of below 60."
"Then-- "
"I know. But the wife wasn't taking no for an answer."
"Wife-- oooh. Right."
"What?"
"Consent form. She can sign it."
~~~
"You okay?"
"Huh? Oh, Detective."
"Wife, huh?"
287

"Y-Yeah."
"Well, that explains the commitment."
"Hah... "
"And newlyweds to boot. Guess she didn't want to tell her kid sister? Ah-not my business. Look, I know this isn't-- We can hold those idiots for twenty-four
hours, but we will need a statement before we can charge them, what with Ms.
Jung being here. Oh, any news on her?"
"They're warming her up, but there's no... brain... activity. There... Wow. I
forgot all about the thieves."
"There's enough on your plate. I'll head back and drag my feet on processing
them."
"Thank you, Detective, for-- for-- "
"No need. I hope she makes it. Oh. Here."
"The box."
"Yeah, you left it in the car. You need... if you need anything... "
"I'm-- I'll be here."
"Okay. Your friend has my card, so call the precinct when you can."
Taeyeon nodded.
~~~
Pictures. Cards. A park picnic with a toddler, a young girl who could only be
Jessica and their parents and dog. A short dog. Taeyeon turned the picture over and
there in a feminine hand was written, 'Your first picnic. Dad laughed a lot and
Bongo couldn't decide which smelled more interesting, you or the bulgogi.'
Another picture. Jessica, still an adolescent, holding a girl of four or five in
the sunlight. The younger child was smiling and adorable and pointing at a bandaid on her knee. Jessica looked resentful, if cute, canines crooked in a grimace.
'You skinned your knees a lot, but you loved to run and wouldn't stop.'
The parents holding a ribbon and plastic trophy with the little sister in pink,
beaming at the camera. A different hand had written, 'Krystal's first ballet award.'
And underneath, in what Taeyeon recognized as Jessica's handwriting, 'Mom and
Dad were so proud of you. They wouldn't stop bragging to the neighbors.'
Picture after picture, mostly focused on the smiling younger girl, running,
leaping, spinning... or of her with her parents. The few of Jessica made her seem
the typical thorny teen, unsmiling and sullen.
'Halloween, you dressed up like you always did, a ballerina playing the
288

swan princess.'
'You giving Dad a sharpie mustache. He laughed and laughed, but Mom
made him wash it off.'
Taeyeon frowned. Surely there should be more of Jessica. She felt as if she
were violating privacy but she looked quickly through all the photos and cards,
emptying the box. All the notes written on the back of the photos, by Jessica to her
little sister. Taeyeon remembered the frantic search for a recent picture of Jessica
to show to the medical technician, and failing to find one. Going through the
pictures one by one, it proved that there weren't any recent pictures of either sister.
The latest picture of Jessica had her out of braces, but still so young. So terribly
young.
Something shifted under Taeyeon's fingers. A false bottom to the box? Loose
where a staple had pried up. Under the bottom were yellowed newspaper
clippings. Articles about a fatal car accident, obituaries. ... survived by their two
daughters. A drunk driver. Damn it.
"Excuse me?"
Taeyeon looked up to see a nurse with a clipboard. "W-Wha-- yes?"
"Are you-- I mean are you the wife of-- "
"Family. I'm family."
"Right. I hate to bother you, but I need a signature."
The nurse handed Taeyeon the clipboard and for a few anxious moments her
eyes scanned the lines. Not... not for Jessica? "What is this? A c-consent form?"
"Yes. For Krystal Jung. Are you okay?"
"Krystal. Sister. It's been... a really rough morning. Consent for what?"
"Her double amputation. The doctors have been waiting-- "
"Ampu-- what?"
"Krystal is in surgery now, and they've stopped the bleeding from the ulcer,
but the doctors need this consent form signed to operate on her legs and since her
sister isn't-- can't-- "
"-- Krystal has to have... amputations?"
"Yeah. Her legs are pretty bad, what with the cancer in her legs."
"Cancer... wheelchair... " Losing her parents, her little sister with cancer,
what... what was wrong with the world?
"Right. I don't have to tell you what a sweet girl she is. It's been really hard
for her. Well, you'd know that-- "
"Y-Yes. Family. I'm family."
"You understand the liability rules. We need the consent signed so we can
289

proceed. The doctors don't have enough blood to go forward with the planned
procedure."
"Planned... what?"
"To remove the tumors? They had to cancel that when she came in with the
perforated ulcers. But an amputation doesn't-- they want to do that while she's
already sedated."
"Blood. So... Jessica was... to remove... tumors. There's no other choice?
Why can't... why isn't there any other blood? I mean... there are millions of people
in New York."
"But only a few thousand blood donors, and none of it matching. We've
checked over and over."
"This can't wait?"
"She's a very sick girl. We were barely able to stabilize her. It was a risky
program and one that didn't turn out the way they'd hoped. Since Krystal can't
continue the therapy and the bone surrounding the tumors is dying, she's not strong
enough to resume chemo or take the massive doses of antibiotics she'd need to
fight off infection. One downturn and it could be fatal. It's a very grim situation."
Running, jumping, twirling. "There's no other option? There's no way to save
her legs?"
"Not with the blood supply the way it is. Her legs have to come off if she's
going to have a chance to recover."
"Her legs or her life."
"Yes."
"So cruel. Life is so cruel."
'Do you want to go to the hospital?'
'Hosp-- ' Jessica gasping and looking elsewhere, her eyes unfocused, her
face turning even more pale, if that were possible. A frown on her brows, chin
dimpling, lips twisting... just for a moment, Taeyeon almost imagined it a product
of the light and her imagination, a faulty memory, but she knew. Raw pain,
anguish, deep and unbearable, showing on a face of someone who hurt for another.
'What? What's wrong?'
'I have to go.'
'No! Go where?'
'I have to go help my sister.'
'Sister?'
'She's sick. That's why I'm here. To help her.'
"Can you sign?"
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Love for a sister, a mother. Why was... why was it so hard? Why had she
chased after Jessica Jung? Why had she cared? And now... now having to care for
Jessica's sister. A girl she'd never even met... But Jessica had cared. To the point of
dying. Why had Yoona helped? For the friend of a friend? Someone she'd never
met before today. Why had the detective helped?
A connection?
But wasn't it all a fraud? If Jessica didn't make it back... what was her
responsibility to Jessica's sister? Taeyeon glanced at the waiting room door. Soo
had been crying on Yoona the last time she'd checked. No. Best not to tell them of
this latest offense. No other family. But it was Jessica's last act, her final sacrifice.
Helping her sister.
What about the girl had driven Jessica to such lengths? Sisterhood?
"C-Can I see her?"
"Who? Krystal?"
"Y-Yes. I should see her before I-- sign."
"I can ask. She's unconscious, you understand? And you'd have to get in
scrubs."
"Sure."
~~~
The girl amidst the tubing and tape and draped blue sheets looked serene.
Innocent and ignorant of all that had happened this morning. So pale, so very still.
So much like Jessica. Taeyeon felt her heart thudding dryly, painfully. Part of her
wanted to hate this girl, that she had Jessica's blood in her veins, blood beyond
cost. But it was none of her business, was it? Why did it matter?
What did it matter?
Why should it matter to one Taeyeon Kim?
Taeyeon started, jerking her hand to a stop, half-way to touching Krystal's
arm. The nurse had been insistent. No touching.
No touching. In a world where there was no connection, that was the easiest
thing to do. But today, she'd needed support and love and touch. Soo's embrace,
Jessica's cold hand in hers, seeing Yoona being there for her love...
And here was Krystal, parents dead, her sister's life taken and lost, cancerriddled bones in her legs, bereft of everything that had touched her in life.
And now the doctors needed to take her legs off to save her. Medically
necessary. If Jessica were really dead, legally gone, they would have done so
291

already, but only Taeyeon's insistence of familial status had made it a requirement
that they ask her.
Funny. And all a lie, but here she was, in the midst of anguished thoughts
and feelings.
This was what she'd tried to leave behind in the world. This was why her
mother had died alone.
To be connected to something was to risk losing it. And loss hurt.
Taeyeon blew a ragged breath out through her mask. Life was pain. But life
was struggle. Perhaps against the inevitable, but still, she had to try.
Taeyeon spun on her heel, sweeping through the sets of double doors.
"This is a matter of blood?"
The doctor with his clipboard blinked at her. "What?"
"Y-You don't have enough blood to take the tumors out?"
"It's a rare blood type. There's none in the city."
"Have you looked outside the city?"
"Her insurance has stipulations against that."
"Why?"
"Why? Cost, I imagine."
"Find it. Now."
~~~
Soo jerked and Yoona gasped as the door crashed open to reveal Taeyeon.
Dressed in scrubs? Under a mop of disheveled hair, Taeyeon's face was a ruin,
pain twisted, as if some agony was about to kill her.
"What's wrong?" Even as she said it, Soo knew it had to be that they'd given
up trying to resuscitate Jessica. It had been an hour since the ambulance had
brought the woman in and Sooyoung had been trying to think of ways to help
Taeyeon find a way to accept the loss. But Taeyeon's next words were confusing.
"Soo, there's blood! There's so much of it!"
"W-What? Where?"
"In California! The type her sister needs. Jessica didn't need to do what she
did! This... this... " Taeyeon's face was screwed into a scream of moral outrage.
"Can they get it here?"
"No! Goddamn it! There's a freaking damned blizzard in the middle of the
country and this stupid holiday has all the flights booked and Krystal is going to
wake up with nothing! Not her sister, not her parents, not her dog, not her legs. For
292

what? Because I was cheap with the insurance?"

Beside Soo, Yoona raised a hand. "Hold on. Where's my purse. I-I might be
able to help."
Taeyeon watched the angel call someone named Harry. Then when she'd
hung up the phone Taeyeon went to her and hugged her. Fighting through a
choking sob she said, "Thank you, Yoona. I love you."

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23. Morning's End: Sixth Sign

essica watched it all, taken from place to place to place, hand in hand with
the dark woman, visions of Ms. Kim and Ms. Choi, of another beautiful
woman and of Krystal. That last had brought a surge of old pain and regret
but now tempered with relief. And the relief was a release of focus, of
wondering no more. Life went on, time went on.
But time had no meaning anymore. Each scene seemed more faded,
immediacy and urgency falling away until she needed to do no more than witness.
So slowly, realities and worlds faded from her vision. Dimly, almost silent, her
mind's voice said, "None of this... is real."
"You feel it to be unreal?"
Hearing the dark woman speak for the first time in eons made Jessica shiver.
The potency, the thrum of power and richness of tone shook her, the outward blast
of not-noise fraying the chords of her existence. But the demand of the question
couldn't be ignored, though there was precious little of her left to answer.
"A wishful dream. The happy ending... All fading. Is... Is it because I'm
dead? Is that why I don't... feel?"
"Your connections to the world are fraying, your soul forgetting its old
home. That is some of it."
Jessica closed her eyes but found that it didn't matter to her sight. The dark
woman remained before her but now she could see darkness billowing out behind
the woman's form, turning all existence to midnight, the walls of the hospital to
indistinct shadows. "And the rest?"
"Your fear is also fading."
No fear? There wasn't-- there wasn't any. Jessica sighed. Even the growing
chill and thinning reality were no cause for alarm. Just so. What could there be to
fear when there was nothing to hold to, nothing to lose? "It seems as if it's
someone else's life I've watched. Someone else's death."
"You have spent too long on the cusp, the exigencies of life fade in the
stillness and thus, you become more like to me. More of me and my realm."
"You? Are you dead, too?"
"Near enough, little one. You should... fear me."
There was a hint of wistfulness in the words, of weariness that colored the
dark with grief. Those were emotions Jessica couldn't grasp, like eddies of water
beyond sight and hearing, but still they moved her. Jessica pulled on the hand in
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hers. Though she was unable to move the woman she succeeded in pulling herself
closer, as fog might embrace a statue in the last moments of twilight. Jessica
embraced the woman's form with insubstantial arms, her misty raiment fraying
against the black robes. Jessica laid her cheek against the woman's shoulder, a
lethargy growing and creeping ever upwards. "No. I could never be afraid of you.
You've been... nice to me."
Dark arms embraced her, gently, gently.
"Jessica Jung, you must take care in what you wish for."
"Hmmm? But I'm not wishing for anything."
Jessica felt a chuckle thrum against her. "That is your great fortune. All that I
do comes at a cost."
"I don't understand."
"A bargain, a wish, a desire, is ever the mortal trap."
"Are you asking me to choose?"
"No. Here, at the end of your existence, you are free of choice, of wish and
want. Therefore you are mine, mine to do with as I would choose."
"And what's your choice?"
"The time for our separation is nigh."
"Hmmm? Do I have to go?"
"You will not remember this, but be comforted. Know that I am jealous and
when we meet again, I will be glad to hold you, forever."
"Why? Why are you sending me away?"
"You have much yet to do. You will have a life to live, loves to love, friends
to comfort. You will not be alone under your burdens."
The cold, the paralyzing chill was in Jessica's chest, moving upwards,
choking breath and movement and thought.
"Cold. I'm cold."
"For a moment, yes. But the instrument of your delivery is arrived."
There was a brilliant, flashing light and Jessica was wrenched free of the
woman's grasp. Fire, searing heat, flared in her vision, shooting through her,
banishing night, banishing the still reality as she tumbled free.
Jessica caught a glimpse in her fall, an image seared into her mind in a
strobe of painful clarity, an image of a small woman with short hair and blazing
eyes, striking the dark woman, burning her.
Jessica screamed in fear and life.
~~~
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"I've got a rhythm!"

"What?"
"Look!"
"Damn. I'll be damned."
~~~
Sudden noise and the movement of bodies, equipment, roused Taeyeon from
her vigil. People in blue scrubs hurried through the doors leading to the emergency
ward. Her feet took her through, her size, her scrubs making her blend in. She
pulled the mask back into place, remembering the nurse's words. Touch nothing. In
the large room more than a dozen people where shifting, looking, waiting as
machines beeped and wavered, at a women tubed and taped, surrounded by bright
light and dark wires. Jessica. A machine whirred next to the still woman, red blood
moving through its workings. There was a temperature knob, the thermal control,
the operator hovering a hand over it. Heart and lungs. To warm or chill. Another
machine with bellows hissed as it moved, surely too slowly. But all their eyes
focused on a machine with squiggly lines that jumped and wove.
"Got alpha waves. They look... normal?"
"That's nuts. She's been flat for two hours!"
"Look at it!"
"What's the temp?"
"Temp is holding at 90."
"Goosebumps! She's got goosebumps."
"I've got goosebumps... "
"Bring it up another degree. Two."
"92." The hand over the dial moved, turning, raising it a degree and then
two. "What's the record? Like five hours?"
"No idea. What are the latest labs looking like? Where are they?"
"Here, Doctor."
"... Are these... right?"
"Five minutes old."
"Liver function is normal? What the hell?"
"It's like she's just sleeping."
"More like hibernating."
Taeyeon must have made a noise then because several people turned to look
296

at her, but she didn't see them. She only saw Jessica, nestled under the lights,
softly glowing.
"Hey, that's her."
"Her?"
"The wife."
"Oooh."
~~~
"HOLD!"
Time froze at the command and a great will bound Yuri's blasted form back
together. The same will bound Sunny from further movement and destruction.
Hyoyeon held them in her palm, lips thin, eyes... stern.
"Sunny, I told you it was Yuri's duty, a duty I placed upon her, to judge
Jessica. Cease your struggle."
Sunny sat and fumed sulfurously, arms crossed.
Hyoyeon turned her gaze at Death, head tilted. "What have you contrived
at?"
Yuri straightened her still smoldering robes, ignoring the smoke, the singed
pain of her body, the very pain of existence. She drew herself up and answered
Hyoyeon stiffly, "I know not what you speak of."
"You did not have a way of giving Jessica back her life."
"She may still die. It is a near thing."
"You goaded Sunny into helping you, into giving you her fire, which you
crafted into the spark of life. Death, giving life... "
"Would I know anything about life?"
Hyoyeon narrowed her eyes, making Yuri shift and sniff. "Once upon a time,
I would not have said so."
There was deep scorn in Yuri's deep tone, "Have I broken any of your laws
in this matter?"
"No. As you know, you have not."
Yuri gave a look to the celestial, no gratitude evident. But also no anger. "I
do not claim any price for her... attack upon me. But I do claim the cost of her
interference. I would take restitution now."
Hyoyeon sighed. "Always correct, always to the point."
"I am what you made me. Nothing is without cost. Her interference with the
wager must be repaid."
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"A wager you have lost. Surely, you must concede on the matter."
Yuri breathed dark mist and nodded.
Hyoyeon waved a hand and brought them back to silent galleries. Seohyun
was clinging to Tiffany, her normally impassive face full of question, concern.
Upon their reappearance, she gave a cry at Yuri's hurt, tried to come forward but
Tiffany held her back, whispering, shaking her head. The elven queen frowned at
Sunny.
Hyoyeon set Sunny down and released Death to stand free. There was
vexation, questioning in her tone when she spoke to the dark figure, formality
edging the command. "Speak then, your decision concerning the wager."
Yuri did not look at her daughter, but remained immovable and unmoved,
seemingly unfeeling to eyes that did not know better. "I concede. I have lost the
wager. Seohyun is yours. Taeyeon Kim has won her for you."
"I acknowledge the wager complete. I accept your daughter into my
keeping."
Relieved murmurs sounded through the gallery, rustlings and pleased
natterings. Yuri growled, a harsh thing. Fools. She pointed a finger at the celestial
without looking at the bound spirit. "Complete but for one thing. I demand the cost
of her interference."
"What would be the purpose of remuneration to you for a wager already
lost?"
"Completion, rightness, duty." Yuri ground out each word, each word a
thesis of meaning. "These are written into my bones, into the stricture of my
existence. The scales must always balance. The celestial's deeds must be
weighed."
"But you have the choice to be more, to grow beyond your boundaries."
"I am proud of who I am."
"Yes... you are. Cold and sure. Very well. Name your price."
"The legs of Krystal Jung."
Sunny started up, her hair catching fire but Hyoyeon smothered her, binding
her up in the next instant into the form of a toddler. She added a pacifier and a
rattle but Sunny threw the rattle at Yuri and would have spit the pacifier as well but
for the overlarge finger that she found in front of her nose. Hyoyeon's words were
calm and sincere and would not be unheard, "Quiet. Or I will spank you."
Sunny subsided.
Hyoyeon turned her attention back to Yuri once more. "Explain why you
would choose that price? The final proof of your lost wager?"
298

"I have conceded. It is not spite that moves me."

"Then why? You contrive to save Jessica's life. Why would you take her
sister's legs? Daughter, I am at a loss as to your reasoning."
Yuri's eyes glittered strangely. "Loss? Pain and loss instruct. Krystal's fate
should be her own, her nobility earned. She is not made less by losing her legs.
You gave her a well-wrought strength when you made her. Her life will be one of
triumph, as you have seen. Would you see her diminished?"
"Fate."
"Verily. I have followed the rules, the laws. You cannot say that I am
disobedient or wrong in my demands."
"All you have said in true."
"Then give to me my price."
Hyoyeon, her expression unreadable, nodded once. "Very well."

299

24. Morning's End: Seventh Circle

as the world a punishment for pride? A place where hope couldn't

exist beyond flashes? A place where dreams were created, only to be
lost? Forgotten with waking and tedium, with hours of rote effort and
days of endless drudgery, with greed and petty issues, gray days and
the ugliness of reality spent toiling for accomplishment. Accomplishment that
turned out to be empty? Possessions and wealth and status... empty things. Is that
why people lavished efforts on their children? So that newer versions of
themselves could be better, have better and do better than their own lives had
turned out? Was that what hope was? Only to watch their children grow up to
commit the same mistakes, the same misjudgments, the same disappointments.
Wasn't pride and hope futile? Wasn't the sole purpose of hope to raise up
expectations... and then watch them get smashed?
Wasn't this the lesson of fear?
~~~
"Soo, s-s-she's... "
"What? Taeyeon? What's wrong?"
"Jessica's... "
"Oh, baby, you did everything you could, more than anyone could expe-- "
"-- She's alive."
"What?"
"Her-- Jessica's got a heartbeat. Soo, brain-- brainwaves."
"That's... incredible. Really?"
"I... What should... What should I be feeling?"
"What?"
"I don't know what to feel. I don't-- what do I do?"
"You... you should be happy. You should feel great."
"Oh. But... I don't feel anything."
"You've been through so much today, Taeyeon. You're-- If you don't have a
mental breakdown after today, that would be something."
"I want to be happy. I want to know what that feels like-- where's Yoona?"
"Lady's room."
"I'm afraid."
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"What? Why?"
"I'm afraid. That's what I feel. Fear. Worry."
"Come here, baby. Let momma hug you."
"No! No, Soo. You've done more than enough of that. More than I could ever
hope or deserve. And I've... you cried. You've been-- Soo, you're crazy!"
"It's been a rough morning?"
"No! Not just today. You-- you've helped me for so long. Why? I don't
deserve you. I don't deserve hope or friendship. I let my mother die alone, Soo.
That's the kind of person I am. Why... Why would you want to be near me? Stop
hugging me!"
"Shhh. Shhh. Oh, you dear idiot. Taeyeon, we've all done things we're not
proud of. We all have moments when we feel that we're worthless and
undeserving."
"Not you."
"Even me. Everyone. That's part of being human. The whole basket of rotten
and good, but we have a life of choice. Years and years where we can throw out
the bad and gather the good. Where we can be better, and choose better."
"Not me. I've been this way for too long."
"Dear, you've changed so much in one day, it's-- you should be afraid. It's a
scary thing, changing. You're gonna feel unsure because your whole world just got
thrown up. That's nothing to take lightly."
"You love Yoona."
"I do."
"And she loves you so much, even I can see that."
"I hope."
"Soo. I can't lean on you. I can't expect you to be there for me. It wouldn't be
fair to you. Just, let me talk. Shh. Let me say this. I love you, Soo. I didn't know it,
I didn't feel it before today. But I know I do. You-- What am I trying to say? This is
confusing. Soo, I love you. Not because I deserve to, but because you're someone
who people have to love. You're good. You're a good person. And I'm not. I'm not
good. I can't depend on you. Not anymore. I don't deserve your friendship."
"Of course you deserve me."
"No. You don't understa-- listen! I was going to take the company away from
you. Just like I was going to fire Jung. I was-- I was going to cut you out of my
life. Yesterday, that was my plan. How can I deserve you? You, my only friend,
and I was going to... leave you. Force you out. That's who I am."
"What?"
301

"That's the real me. You see how bad I am?"

"Really?"
"My mind was made up. And you know what I'm like when I make my mind
up."
"Wow. Okay. Wow."
"I'm so sorry, Soo. I mean, I was going to pay you for your half, of course.
You could buy a new car. A new house. Houses. I rationalized it in my head. Then
you could go and help people like you like to do without having to always come to
the meetings you hate attending."
"That's... "
"Foul. And treacherous and deceitful and mean and... me."
"No, Taeyeon. You didn't see people as people, but that didn't mean you
were... okay, sometimes you were mean about it. And yeah, sometimes that
bugged the hell out of me, and sometimes I wanted to strangle you and yell at you
and ask you what the hell your problem was. But I know your worth."
"I'm still going to do it."
"What?"
"Fire you and Jung. You need to get away from me."
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm poison. I can't be trusted. Soo, I don't deserve you. I don't deserve
anything. I ruin everything. How can I... "
"You saved Jessica Jung's life today. You went toe-to-toe with theives. Men
with knives."
"One knife."
"Yeah. Still. Y-You saved my life a decade ago. What don't you deserve?"
"I didn't even know you! And I didn't even know that was you until today.
Why did you hide that?"
"Maybe that's true. But it doesn't change the fact that I owe you everything.
And I'm not hiding anymore. Yoona's love for me would never have happened, but
for you. All the people I've helped wouldn't have had me, but for you. Jessica
would be dead, Krystal wouldn't have a sister, or her legs, but for you. If that's the
kind of work you can do when you're not trying, imagine what you can do when
you do care to try."
"An accident. A... mental breakdown. And Yoona is the one who saved
Krystal's legs. Jessica had a DNR, and I... I didn't choose any of it. Not with a sane
mind. Soo, you crazy, confused, beautiful person, you deserve a better friend. Stop
crying. Please."
302

"I-I deserve a better friend? Then be a better friend! You idiot. You selfish
twit. I deserve you, this you, the you you are today. I am your friend. The friend
who waited for years, and damn you, Taeyeon, if you think you're going to cheat
me out of you! You are not going to cheat me."
"Insane. You're insane. You're hopelessly insane. Jung might sue me. She
should sue me. That means I could lose the company. I might have cheated both of
us today. You might lose everything because of me. How are you not insane?"
"Little idiot. Anything I have, I have because of you. And I've got a rich
girlfriend."
"What do I do?"
"Live."
"How?"
"You have a wife. You should figure out those details."
"What?"
"A wife."
"I don't have a wife. That was a lie."
"Technically? No."
"What?"
"I had to cover your ass. Like a friend would."
"What-- what did you do?"
"I called in a favor down at city hall."
"Favor?"
"I didn't want someone coming along and pointing out that you were
breaking the law so I called Susan-- "
"Who?"
"The mayor's ex-wife? She's a friend. Well, the mayor is too. Anyway, she
got one of the staffers to draw up a marriage license, then her cousin, who's a
judge, signed it and yeah, you have a wife."
"B-B-But-- "
"I thought she was going to die! I mean, two hours. I can't believe she's
alive. Wow. Wow."
"Maybe I do deserve you."
"Hey! What does that-- "
Yoona chose that moment to rush in, her phone in her hand. She stopped
abruptly, mouth open, seeing her love and Taeyeon hugging, animated expressions
on their faces, their love for each other shining along with anger and pain and so
many other things that her actor's mind saw as conflicting and beauteously
303

complex. There was a depth here, of history and emotion, moments of deep feeling
of which she could only perceive a fraction. Yoona found the scene not only
evocative but poignant. Would she ever have an equal depth, an equal history with
her love?
Soo and Taeyeon's startled expressions when they turned to her sank in and
Yoona closed her mouth, remembering the moment and why she'd come rushing
in. Lamely she lifted the phone, feeling other emotions, other pressures of disaster.
"Sorry. Harry just called. There's a-a problem with the Air Force plane. The
blood is stuck in San Francisco."
Taeyeon blinked, the same moment Soo's arms let her go. She felt a
premonition of something... bad. "What do you mean stuck?"
"There was an earthquake, a small one. It cracked the runways at the base.
They can't-- It'll be hours for them to get a new jet to a civilian airfield close by."
Hours.
Behind Yoona the nurse appeared again. The one with the clipboard, and this
time an even grimmer expression.
Woodenly, Taeyeon asked, "Do you have bad news too?"
"Krystal's condition is worsening. There's infection, and without the
antibiotics which she can't take, her legs-- it's not looking good."
"Can't she hold out? Yoona, how long? Blood?"
Yoona shook her head. "Harry didn't sound hopeful, three, four hours more
before it leaves San Francisco, and then another three hours to New York. It's-That's the fastest. Is that enough time?"
The nurse seemed doubtful. "The doctors say they have to amputate in the
next hour, two at the most for there to be a chance. And it will be awfully close
without more blood on hand."
No time. No time for the blood to arrive.
All futile. Jessica's efforts wasted, her own efforts nothing more than flailing
at fate. She'd failed everyone in her life. Her mother, her friend, now her wife and
sister-in-law... who didn't know they were wife and sister-in-law yet and this was
going to ruin her life.
Was Jessica going to wake up and blame her? What if Jessica didn't wake
up? Or didn't wake up normally? What if she was brain damaged? What if Krystal
hated her? What if everyone realized the depths of her failure and unworth and
hated her?
"Will you sign?"

304

~~~
Krystal awoke to a sense of floating. She was weightless, light, gossamer
fluff drifting in the air currents in brilliant silence.
For long moments she simply was and wasn't. Without sense, consequence
or significance. Without breath, body or thought. Without questions, worries.
But self, the concept of it, intruded. The girl in the wheelchair. The girl with
the legs that were killing her, without parents, without a future, without friends,
getting stupider by the day while the children she'd once gone to school with were
getting ready for the rest of their lives.
Krystal, the girl on hold. The girl who always felt horrible for her sister, the
tired woman who hugged her and consoled her and laughed with her and hid her
tears until she thought Krystal was asleep.
Yes. She was Krystal. Crystal clear, that. Only... something wasn't right.
Something was missing, but what?
Pain? There... there was no pain?
She turned the thought over in her newly made mind. She marveled. Pain
was a constant companion, ever since the night of broken glass and shrieking tires
and metal. Ever since she'd heard Jessie screaming in denial, gifting her with the
knowledge she'd tried so hard to ignore, believing her parents just silent in the
darkness, sleeping, hurt maybe, but alive, and they'd take care of her, would take
her from the madness. The pain of her broken body and grief had mingled,
becoming something real, palpable and weighty. She'd woken with that pain, in
her head, on her shoulders, in her heart, and it had ridden inside of her legs,
becoming cancer.
Cancer. That was who she was. The cancer was the physical manifestation of
the guilt. She'd been laughing with her parents, leaning over the front seat,
hugging her mother, telling a joke to her father. She'd distracted him. He was a
good driver. They'd blamed the drunk driver who'd crossed the centerline of the
parkway, but that didn't absolve her guilt. There must have been something she
could have done differently. Something that would keep her parents alive. Her
laughter had been the last thing in their ears before the screams of tires and the
crunch of metal.
And then the burden she'd become to Jessie. The sister who cared for her
health, her legs. Paying the bills, the rent, the insurance. Never going out, never
doing more than work. Her beautiful sister who'd been so popular in school. She'd
robbed her sister of a life.
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Krystal the thief. The bearer of pain and guilt and hate and pity. So much of
it. Every breath, every second, until she'd forgotten what it was to cry. Breathing
was the same as crying. Her heart beating when she'd wished it would just stop.
But she couldn't give up, no matter how much she wanted to, because Jessie was
there for her. Jessie kept her sane. Jessie laughed at her jokes and Jessie hugged
her and Jessie loved her.
Jessie was crazy. But her sister made the pain bearable.
Only, the pain was... missing. Along with everything else in this pleasant
floating light.
Long... moments... of nothingness. How nice was this?
But then there was a sound. ... beep... Another, louder. Beep. Another. Beep.
Krystal tried to ignore it. Tried to stay numb and deaf. Out there was pain.
So much of it. Better to float forever here.
Beep... Beep... Beep...
Damn it. Damn it. Damn. It.
Krystal opened her eyes. Acoustic tile and fluorescent lights looked back. A
most familiar sight. Hospital.
Memories of throwing up, black blood that only turned red when the light
struck it. Before eating Jessie's cooking. Oh. Peas. Peas? Had the peas burned? She
couldn't remember.
Jessie's voice, "No, no, no, no, NO!" Oh, no.
She'd have to apologize for making a mess. And messing up Christmas Eve
dinner. And missing their night of memories with pictures and falling asleep with
her head on Jessie's lap.
Krystal licked her lips. Someone had put balm on them. Jessie? Or a nurse?
Hmm. Where was Jessie? She tried to raise her head but found it impossible. Her
neck wasn't cooperating. And her arms wouldn't move either. Oh, bother.
She looked up and down and around. An IV tree and there, the heart monitor,
beeping. Stupid heart monitor. How was a girl supposed to sleep with the moronic
beeping? Other sensations gradually returned. She could feel the cap on her
smooth head. The staff knew to not take it off. A cool dry throat, a parched mouth.
That was always familiar. The oxygen feed had negligible humidity. Gradually she
felt her shoulders, the feel of smooth cotton from a hospital gown. Was it cinched?
Probably not. Nothing to make a person feel powerless like a garment that showed
her butt to all and sundry.
Where was her wheelchair? It would be close, waiting for her. Jessie would
have cleaned it. But how long before she could use it? Ulcer? Nothing after
306

passing out, and she felt so weak. Too weak to lift her head. To weak to move her
arms.
Underneath the sheet she felt her fingers twitch. Yay! But that was all she
could do.
The numbness, which she'd found so nice moments before was now an
annoyance. It would be nice to have a drink for her parched throat. But that would
mean talking, after finding the call button and pressing it. Epic tasks she was sure
were beyond her at the moment.
Where was Jessie? Her sister would know what she needed, without even
asking. And just as importantly, where was the pain? No pain. No burning, no
aching, no feeling of nails being ground into her legs. No maddening nausea. Just
this floaty numbness.
Krystal closed her eyes.
Beep... Beep...
Damn! Ignore it. Ignore. It.
Beep... Beep... Beep...
The thing had a silent mode. Someone hadn't bothered to press it. Laying
under the rhythmic auditory torture wasn't going to get any better or more
bearable.
Time to take action! Time to try and talk. Speech was hard, yo.
A rasping croak, like something a mummy might have whispered into the
air. "... heello? aannnyone?"
Someone moved. Light footsteps, and then a shape was beside her. A
woman. Not a nurse. Asian. Cute. Shortish, or else her bed was raised up really
high.
About Jessie's age, straight fine dark hair brushed back behind an ear, eyes a
bit too wide apart, chapped lips, no makeup. Pale. No one she knew.
"Can I get you something?"
"... waaater... " Something from the Old Dynasty, before Tut.
There was a pink plastic lidded jug with a bent straw. Krystal tried to turn
her head but even that was beyond her. The woman moved the straw to her mouth
and with a herculean effort Krystal managed a half sip.
Like the nectar of the gods, that. Cool liquid heaven.
"... thanks... "
The woman nodded, a smile trying to find someplace to fit on her child-like
face. Not a comfortable fit and a tired face. Jessie looked like that a lot.
Krystal blinked, gathering her strength. "... more, please."
307

Another deeper sip of ambrosia, sweeter than honey. Krystal closed her eyes
and swallowed. She felt the chilled water sweep down her throat, all the way to her
tummy. A twinge of pain answered. Ah. There it was. But small, hardly there. Not
really hurting, more her tummy letting her know it was well empty.
She tried to flex her stomach muscles, to shift in lieu of sitting up, but she
couldn't.
"... I can't move. S'weird."
"The doctors gave you something, so you wouldn't... "
"Move?"
"Yes."
Very weird. They'd never done that. Krystal lay there, listening to the beep
and the woman setting the water back on the table. Jessie would be by soon.
Krystal opened her eyes, not wanting to be rude since the woman was sort of
hovering now. There was an expression of concern there, eyes which looked at her
with something... uneasy?
And why couldn't she even feel her legs? She could wiggle her fingers, but
nothing from her toes. Even though the cancer ridden bones couldn't support her
weight she'd still had to exercise them regularly, but now... nothing below her
waist. A bit alarming, eh? Did she need to pee? How would she know? Ugh.
Krystal ignored the incipient worry. Jessie would make everything okay. As
soon as she showed up. Besides, she was being rude to the water bearer. She
cleared her throat, thankful the water had made her voice sound almost normal.
"Hi. I'm Krystal."
"Oh." The woman's eyes were wide, as if she was surprised? Hmm.
"This is where you tell me your name."
"I-I'm T-Taeyeon."
"Taeyeon. Taeyeon?" Why did that ring a bell? "Do I know you?"
"No."
Holding her eyes open was suddenly tiring. Krystal closed them and let a
smile curve her lips as she spoke, "Okay... and you're here why? I mean, I'm glad
you're here. I was really-- can you hit the button on the heart monitor? It's so
annoying."
"Button?"
"The one that says, Silent Mode."
"Oh. I see it. There."
"Ah, thank God. I hate that thing."
"I can imagine, though it's nice to hear... that is, it's good to know that... "
308

"The ol' ticker is ticking? Yeah. But I already know cause I can hear it and I
don't... need to hear it."
"Ah."
"Nurse?"
"What?"
"Are you a nurse?"
"No."
"Volunteer?"
"Not really."
"Concerned passerby?"
"Uh... sort of? But not really."
"Well, I'm flat out of ideas. Who are you?"
"I-I-I know your sister."
"Ahh. Oh! Taeyeon Kim? Ms. Kim?"
"Y-Yes."
"You're my sister's boss."
"Yes."
"Why didn't you say so?"
"Uh... "
Krystal opened her eyes, seeing clearer. Seeing brown eyes... reddened, now
that she thought of it, as if from... crying? Why had her sister's boss been crying?
The faint surge of alarm was firing through her into something larger, making her
hands tingle, making her sweat. The heart monitor started to accelerate and it left
silent mode at the change, starting its infernal beeping again, faster. The
premonition of bad things made Krystal stutter, "W-W-Where's my sister?"
"Uh... "
"Ms. Kim, w-what's wrong?"
"S-She-- " The woman broke off and swallowed roughly, and then she hid
her face in her hands, her shoulders moving as she sobbed silently.
Krystal could feel her world shattering in slow motion, and she was yelling,
as loud as she could, though the effort hurt. "Jessie! Jessie! Where are you?!"
Footsteps rushed and then more strangers appeared. More Asians, women,
two of them, really pretty, but not Jessie.
Where was Jessie?

309

25. Morning's End: Eight Hours

uri found herself alone with Hyoyeon, one moment feeling the disregard
of the legions of spirits, their animus and unwelcome and then nothing
more than a glass topped wrought iron table, two cushioned chairs, set in
a rose garden, a pot of... tea and her mother, seated, looking at her with
tilted eyes in a tilted head. Yuri's being still ached from the celestial's assault but
she stood impassively under Hyoyeon's gaze, proud and unbent. No weakness
would she admit. Her body's hurts remained because Hyoyeon had chosen to leave
something of the injuries untouched, and the body a requirement for sitting at a
table? A sly reminder of mortality? A reminder of her place in these vaunted halls?
As if she needed reminding.
Hyoyeon sighed and then inclined her head at the empty chair. "Sit."
Yuri made no move to comply. She was unwelcome here, as she should be.
Nothing could be so out of place as her form here in the light. She arched a dark
eyebrow, even feeling the need to move something so anthropomorphic a chore. A
human body. And because of it, she was tired. With her spine iron straight, she
asked, "Tea? In a garden?"
"Would you prefer beer?"
"Human trivialities. You retain your human form. Why?"
"And thus you ask why I have bound you in yours."
"Your home, your rules, but I would return to mine demesnes. My work here
is complete."
"I would talk with you. Sit." Thunder echoed in the distance.
Yuri found herself seated and trying to stand realized she couldn't. A light
binding. Yuri sniffed. Struggling in futility would be beneath her dignity. She
stilled herself and waited while Hyoyeon filled both cups. Steam rose gently from
white porcelain, joining the floral notes already present. Pointless human ritual.
What was Hyoyeon getting at? "Why this?"
"Sugar?"
Yuri narrowed her eyes. "No. Thank you."
Hyoyeon put two cubes in her cup, stirring with a clinking spoon. She took a
delicate sip and then smiled at her daughter. "It is nice to see you, Yuri. I have
missed you."
"Really, Mother?"
"But I must ask, why did you come here?"
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"To take Seohyun back?"

"And yet you were thwarted."
"I wagered. I lost."
"And yet... and yet... Yuri, why do I feel as if this is all some part of your
design. Some plan worked out in your silent halls with which to take something
you could have had for the asking."
"What could I gain by losing my child?"
"What indeed? That is the question. If I had to guess? Her freedom. Which
she, as your servant and representative, had not. What could you gain? Only life
for her."
"You think-- "
"I know, Yuri. That is why I allowed the wager to go forward. I knew
Taeyeon would change."
"But isn't free will your most treasured gift to them? You could not know,
not if I know the how of free will. You guessed."
"It is. And I guessed rightly. The point to hand is that you also guessed
rightly."
"I lost the wager on purpose? Is that your accusation?"
"You try my patience, you push when there is no need for it. Daughter... very
well, I will play your game, dear. You staked Seohyun's future on the whims of a
damaged soul, knowingly."
"I allow that Taeyeon Kim's growth has been impressive. Surprising, given
that she had so little to work with."
"You calculated Sunny's reactions, her wish for Seohyun to remain."
"You make it seem that I am as all knowing as you."
"You were my finest creation."
"Were. But fixed in time, in place, in the machine of creation."
"And you saw that humanity reaps the benefits of my efforts. Yet you are not
impressed. Even with Taeyeon Kim, there remains doubt in you."
"I lack faith in the fortitude of humanity. They are... weak, regardless of your
gifts."
"Given your experience, I can see why. You only see the failures, the ones
who would not be helped nor help themselves to better."
"I see broken dreams, shattered hopes, the lost and the wretched. The ones
for which you have no further use. I see them aplenty."
"And you hate me for it."
"Could I hate you, Mother? You who gave me such a perfect existence."
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"Mockery."
"Aye, and unsweet dregs. I am sorry if I disappoint you."
"Yuri, my Yuri. The only thing of you that I could fault is your stubbornness,
your willingness to grasp pain out of spite."
"Spite? You scorn me. Pain is the existence you have gifted me. To only
know death? Mother, could you wish me happiness in this?"
"Once, I was sure of my design, once I was pleased with my craft, but Yuri,
as a mother yourself, could you see your child frozen forever in a set design as a
happiness?"
"You give to them your divine gift, a gift you never think to give us, the
machine of your creation, the machine that serves. How should I hope for more?"
"Too late did I see my error, daughter. I would see it fixed. Simply ask. No
one can deserve more from me than you."
"Choice? Not for me. I am too soaked in pain, in darkness."
"Too far gone to be redeemed? Even by me?"
"I have enough. I have given you Seohyun. I admit your perception in the
matter."
"You would see me see the error of my creation?"
"If I know a thing, how can you not know the same? You have seen the error
in your design. Not for me, but Seohyun will have a life."
"You know this?"
"It is why I came. It is why I lose her, willingly."
"You sacrifice your love for her. And yet you would not have this benison
for yourself?"
Yuri shook her head.
"Do you think it beneath you to want?"
"I know the downfall of wanting. I have bathed in it, breathed it, soaked my
bones in the bitter broth."
"Yuri, you have come so far."
"I do not want your pity."
"Pity, you think this pity? You learn but you do not understand."
"I know that I am necessary. What more can any being wish for?"
"Love."
"Save your love for the living."
"You wound me."
"I am sorry to disappoint you, Mother. May I take my leave of your halls? Of
you?"
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"Not quite. This matter of Jessica Jung and her sister, Krystal. I question
your purpose, your intent."
"If I know a thing, then you know it."
"You think Taeyeon weak? You think the lessons she has learned
insufficient?"
"She is full of doubt. How can I trust that she will persevere when she
doubts so?"
"Life is doubt, life is wondering and uncertainty."
"I demand more. I require better."
"From her?"
"Taeyeon is crucial, yet brittle for her role, untried, untested. Can I trust her
strength?"
"Has she not proven enough?"
"Enough to win a wager, but a wager is not what I would wish. Surety and
certainty. I will have better of her. Else how can I trust my Seohyun into her
sphere? Will Seohyun lose her family, her mother or mothers if Taeyeon's spirit
fails? If Taeyeon be shattered by simple trials, how can Sooyoung, Yoona, Jessica,
depend upon her? How can Seohyun learn about life? How can this be the best that
I can do for my daughter?"
"You have forced my hand in taking Krystal's legs, to be sure of Taeyeon's
spirit?"
"We have Krystal's measure, you have shown it to me. Her mettle is tested,
proofed and unbreakable. She will be a fit mother, aunt, councilor to my child. Can
Taeyeon be her match?"
"Oh, Yuri. You fear."
"Of course I fear. I-- I am sending my child out into the world."
"And she knows not any of your thoughts."
"Seohyun needs no further burdens. She... wishes to see more, be more, and
I would give her... everything. It is enough for me. Now, release me."
"You should witness your plans' culmination."
"Krystal will lose her legs, Taeyeon will break or prove unbreakable. What
more do I need to see? I am tired, Mother. I would return to my halls and rest."
"And mourn? Never to see your daughter again?"
"And hope. Hope that she finds happiness and a life to love."
"Sit a few moments with me, Yuri, and let us watch your plans' endings. I
would be with you for a while longer. That is my wish."

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~~~
"Can you sign?"
Taeyeon looked at the wall clock. Two in the afternoon, on Christmas Eve.
Why wasn't she in the office? Why was she here, being asked this impossible
question?
Could she sign?
It wasn't even a question of if she had the right. Of course she didn't. And
there was no expecting Jessica or Krystal to forgive her or understand or really, to
hope that she could ever have those things. Taeyeon looked at Soo, at the pain
written there, at Yoona's face, twisted in a hurt wholly undeserved. They'd been
trying to help her and now it was beyond helping.
Two in the afternoon. Eight hours. So much had happened in eight hours.
Eight hours earlier... What she wouldn't give for a time machine. No matter all of
today's little triumphs, realizations both large and small, the kindness of strangers.
Rewinding, returning to ignorance, never having to face being responsible, or
caring... Taeyeon remembered the shelter supervisor's face, layers upon wrinkles
upon defeats written there in sagging skin, the sound of the children fighting over
candy, their mother heartbroken as she watched them. What had his name been?
Sam? How about their names? The children...
Taeyeon couldn't remember.
The detective... Kim? Detective Kim? He'd been cheering her on in the
Battle of the Peas, the wide-eyed thugs flailing about in surprise and sudden pain
and fear. The smoke of the fire, burning telephone books. Who used telephone
books anymore? And old telephone books? Why would... because they had the
name of Jessica's parents. Recalling a life before the rickety old wheelchair, the
peeling wallpaper, the natty carpet splattered with peas and burning alcohol and
the air full of fire extinguisher fumes, full of smells, musty and fearful.
The oatmeal in the break room, the vomit in the alley, the coat tearing, the
weight of Jung in her lap, the damned vending machine that wouldn't give her a
Hershey's chocolate bar. The cold chocolate bars in Jung's purse, the juice boxes
spilled into the snow... poor substitutes for blood.
But it hadn't been all horrible.
Flashes of images and smells, the vanilla and cinnamon spice of the clothing
store with the hilariously nice couple, Jo and his wife... his wife. Name? A person
who'd shown her care and a smile and advice on how to use who she was to get
what she wanted out of life. Could it be that easy? Because nothing was that easy.
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The taxi driver, watching her and Soo. Soo who'd hugged and cried and
consoled and supported and loved her. The immense relief that Yoona had given
her, commingling with all the other good things today had shown her. Nice people.
The world was full of nice people. People who cared, who helped, who smiled.
But no one could help her now. Not the person she had become.
The person who'd woken up filled with odd aches and pains. Aches she'd
assuaged in the hot shower that had started this day of madness, eight hours ago.
The smell of her body wash and shampoo, the comforting misty warmth
surrounding her skin, and then birthing her, changed and different. New. Not
better... better? No. Confused.
Her pajamas, now sitting in her building dumpster. Both sets. When she
went home tonight, after taking Krystal's legs, she would go home to no pajamas.
It seemed insufficient punishment.
Taeyeon shivered. A time machine would be nice... but would it change
anything? Would she... could she have let Jung walk by herself into the alley? She
would have kept her from giving blood... but Krystal's ulcer surgery had needed
every drop, the four units from today. Would Krystal even now be dead, bled out?
But then she wouldn't have this decision, this choice.
She wouldn't have a wife. And Jessica wouldn't have a sister?
Where could she have done differently? An earthquake? Was God laughing
somewhere? This was like some divine punishment, karma... fate. But the Jungs
had already lost so much, lived so poorly, in pain. And now both of them lay still,
wrapped in tubing and wires and machines, one sleeping or something, the other
waiting for knives and saws to take her sister's wish for her away forever.
If only Jessica would wake up, then she could sign it. She could take this
responsibility.
Even as she thought it Taeyeon hated herself. Jessica might never be capable
of signing anything ever again. And that would change nothing about the
responsibility that Taeyeon had taken from her.
Could she sign? Not doing so would doom Krystal to death. Doing so would
doom Taeyeon and everyone else to the consequences of her decisions. There was
nothing anyone could do, no miracles, no favors, no acts of God. This was reality.
This was the cold hard world.
A day before, it wouldn't have been a second thought to her. Necessary? Do
it. No emotional investment, no heart break, no dread of anyone else's judgment.
Why... why had she taken this upon herself? For a lie? Why had she chased
Jung, and found her dead and rode with her in an ambulance while the attendant
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performed rote actions for someone already gone... only she hadn't died. Now
Jessica slept, hibernating, ignorant of what Taeyeon was about to do to her sister.
Taeyeon swallowed, staring at the clip on the clipboard. She signed
documents, paychecks, evaluations and reports, witnessing her decisions on legal
documents, initialing contracts here, here and here, sign and date, have Miriam
copy and collate and file. Eight hours from certainty. Eight simple hours. Eight.
Eight hours from now?
If only Krystal could hold on for eight hours more, that'd be time enough for
an Air Force fighter jet to deliver life and hope, a cooler full of frozen life labeled
B-, D+, MNK.
A white Christmas. What was so good about snow and ice? Salt slush, dirty
gray sand, people freezing to death. No. One miracle was more than anyone could
hope for. Jessica's life returned, the woman sleeping, resting, waiting to wake,
waiting to wake to tears and loss. It wasn't all bad that Jessica remained asleep.
One misery at a time.
Taeyeon felt so stretched, so thin, lashed to some torture device that pulled
her closer to a pen and a piece of paper.
She wavered. Could she do this thing? Save Krystal's life and destroy her,
her sister, her happiness, all with one signature.
Taeyeon swallowed roughly. Blood. Frozen blood.
Her breath caught.
Could it... was it possible?
Sooyoung jerked when Taeyeon threw down the clipboard, the sense of
understanding what was going through her friend, the heart break and horror so
plain on that child's face, breaking her own heart. But the clatter made her afraid
her friend had broken more literally, simply refusing to deal, which was no help to
Krystal. Soo knew what the decision had to be, a life was in the balance, and she'd
been supporting Yoona who had her head turned away from the scene.
With her arms full, her mouth dropping in alarm, Sooyoung could only
watch as Taeyeon sprinted out of the room, dragging the startled nurse.
~~~
"Jessie! Jessie! Where are you?!"
Jessica heard her name being called. Krystal? It was so nice to just rest. But
Krystal needed her.

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26. Christmas: Nine Hearts

y the time Sooyoung caught up with Taeyeon, outside the surgery ward
where Krystal waited for others to decide her fate, the yelling had started.
"You can hibernate her! Freeze her! Well, chill her down, slow her down!"
A burly older man, in blue scrubs, scowled, gesturing with his hands
animatedly as he shouted back, "We can't just do that! It's dangerous!"
What had Yoona called Taeyeon? A honey badger? Yes. Taeyeon was
brilliantly aggressive. Soo found herself taking a small step back as a visceral
force radiated from her partner. "You can slow her down! You can-- Her sister died
for two hours! And she's alive!"
Bodies crowded the hallway. Three doctors, four nurses, the administrator,
Mr. Caldwell, trotting down the hallway, alerted no doubt by someone on the staff.
Thankfully no reporters. Soo had seen a few of them poking about, trying to catch
a glimpse of Yoona.
The tallest of the men in blue, standing bravely under the assault, was thin
with grizzled salt and pepper eyebrows and long articulate fingers. He frowned
down at Taeyeon. Sooyoung couldn't fault the man for caring for his patient. Or
his fortitude. She knew Taeyeon could run over people and not even notice the
bump. He said in a more reasoned tone, "Krystal is already sedated. The risk-- "
But Taeyeon wasn't having any. She growled right over him, "I was in there!
It's freezing already!"
He nodded, reaching a hand out to put on the shoulder of his burlier
colleague, calming him down. "We keep the ambient temperature low to combat
fatigue. Not for therapeutic reasons."
"Look, Krystal just needs eight hours! You guys can't have golf dates, right?
It's Christmas Eve!"
"Look, ma'am, we can't-- "
Taeyeon swiveled her head at the shortest of the three, slightly portly,
younger. He took a step back, eyes wide. "You! You're the anes-anesthetic-- the
sleepy doc-- the one who puts the patients to sleep, right? It says it on your name
tag! Right?"
"Y-Yes."
"Can you cool her down? Slow her down?"
"It risks post-surgical complica-- "
"And losing her legs doesn't?"
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"T-The only time we do something like that is for heart-lung bypass-- "
"I know! That's where I saw it! There's-- There's a dial! The machine will do
it for you!"
"B-But she's already under! And we don't have the blood volume to use.
We'd have to use an ice bath and if we don't get it just-- "
"Will it work? Will it slow her down enough to buy her the time for the
blood to show up?"
The burly doctor, the oldest of them, easily old enough to be Taeyeon's
Italian godfather, gestured and said, "It might. Or it might kill her. She is a very
sick girl."
Taeyeon drew herself up and stared them down. "Gentlemen, Krystal
deserves the chance. She's fought for a long time. Years. Her sister almost died to
buy her this opportunity. An Air Force F-22 will be on its way soon, the pilot
overcoming natural disaster to deliver that chance. Are you going to stand in the
way?"
Yoona, coming at a slower jog, her heels not helping her at all tucked close,
taking in the scene, avid eyes on Taeyeon. The administrator gave her a nervous
smile as he joined the group. The nurses and doctors all gave him flinty glances,
only Yoona smiling at him, graciously.
The anesthesiologist had a nervy look to him and that drew Taeyeon's focus
to the sweat starting to bead on his pale face. "I understand this isn't routine,
Doctor... Borski. I know I'm asking a lot of you, perhaps too much. Maybe it's
outside of your abilities and all you can think about is risk and lawsuits and
covering yourself in deniability. But I don't care about any of that. I only care
about a girl and her legs and I need the best possible care for her. Can you give it
to her?"
He shook his head minutely, shrugging. "I-I've n-never-- "
"Thank you. If it was you on the table in there, who would you want to
handle your duties?"
"D-Doctor K-Kline. David Kline. He's at Sloane-Kettering." He pointed a
nervous finger at the godfather. "He golfs with him."
The burly Italian doctor shot a dismissive look at the anesthesiologist.
"Hmpf. Doctor Kline is out of the city, up in the Poconos."
Taeyeon pinned the administrator with a glance, and nodded slightly at
Yoona. "Can you two work out those details? Helicopter?"
Yoona was already pulling out her phone.
Taeyeon turned back to the thinner doctor, the head of the surgical team. He
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was nodding to himself, eyes unfocused, lips pursed. Working out the
permutations? "Doctor... Kingsley. I don't mean to dictate your job to you. I'm
asking you for your help in saving Krystal's legs. Can she survive until the blood
arrives, if you slow her down?"
"It could work. It will be a gamble. Hypothermia has complications."
"If Krystal is anything like her sister, cold isn't going to kill her."
"It is a risky gamble. She's already very weak. I... I can't-- this is something I
can't advise."
"Understood. But can you do it? Can Doctor Kline do it?"
"Kline is very good, almost... magical, very skilled. If anyone can keep her
alive while we wait, it would be him."
Taeyeon nodded. There were good people in the world, people who could
help. It was just a matter of connecting the pieces. She looked at her friend who
had known this most vital of lessons. Known it and who'd tried to teach it to her
for so long.
"I'd like for you to try."
The doctor looked at her, a lop-sided grin flashing mercurially on his face.
"I'd like to try, too. If you can get Kline here soon, we might have a chance."
~~~
And then it was waiting. Waiting while others called, other doctors for
consultations, Yoona talking to Harry the angel constantly, giving orders,
arranging details with the nodding administrator.
Taeyeon took herself back to the waiting room, after checking on Jessica.
Jessica had had a series of brain scans. Normal patterns, no hint of brain damage.
Taeyeon nodded at the news, lips tight, unable to make a sound.
Jessica, now stable, would shortly be moved from intensive care to a private
recovery ward. More idling in the hallways, more waiting.
Eventually Taeyeon found herself there, looking at Jessica Jung, just some
diagnostic equipment attached. She watched the orderlies and nurses move her,
arrange her, efficient motions and tape securing leads and wires. More tape
covering the wound on her thigh that had allowed the life support machine to
perform its duty, moving blood in and out. Taeyeon took a half step, her's fingers
moving to cover Jessica's hip, the woman's dignity almost unbearably important,
but the nurse was quicker. Taeyeon shook her head. So odd, the difference between
a person and a body. Life... was unimaginably precious.
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Eventually the other people left, and it was Jessica and her, alone but for the
beeping machines and a nurse right outside the door. Her feet were hesitant, her
mind empty. She sat and looked at her wife. Wife. Taeyeon looked out the window
at Brooklyn, thoughts whirling. Then back to the woman in the bed. Jessica Jung
had a faint blush to her cheeks, an even heart beat, and peace, peace that Taeyeon
could only imagine.
Taeyeon wandered to the waiting room and sat down. Her waiting room.
Waiting room. What hateful words. Soo brought her a cup of soup and Taeyeon's
body surprised her by craving every drop of it. Her first food of the day. Not a
Reuben, but delicious nonetheless.
Soo sipped from her own cup, standing close by the chair. Taeyeon leaned
her head onto a thin hip, hugging an impossibly long leg. She closed her eyes as
Soo's hand soothed her hair down. Her voice sounded rough and unused when she
said, "D-Do you think... Soo, do you think I'm right?"
From a great height she heard Soo say, "I don't know, Taeyeon. But you did
your best. I can only hope it was enough, and that's all you can do too."
Taeyeon nodded. Soo's fingers continued to comb her hair and she felt her
breath deepen, her heart beat slow. Labored and difficult. So tired. It was hard to
let go. Trusting others with her burdens seemed unnatural, but that was all she
could do.
Her eyes felt impossibly heavy and she yawned. Soo moved to lean her back
and Taeyeon let her. She felt a light blanket cover her and she opened her eyes to
look up at her beautiful friend in the late afternoon light.
Soo smiled at her gently and nodded. No words needed.
Taeyeon slept.
~~~
When Taeyeon awoke her neck hurt, stiff from sleeping in a chair. She
rubbed her eyes and stood and then let her feet take her on a familiar circuit.
Jessica hadn't moved at all, still sleeping peacefully, easily. She seemed like
something that couldn't be real, that couldn't exist, and precious for it. Taeyeon
watched her, envying her peace, her ability to be unaware. Looking at Jessica
made her feel better, but Taeyeon also felt as if she were trespassing, seeing a
place that had no room for her.
Taeyeon left to check on Krystal's fate. The administrator had weariness in
his shoulders but he smiled as he told her Jessica's sister was still alive. Alive and
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in surgery, the blood arriving soon, the fighter jet just finishing its refueling from
an airborne tanker over Ohio. He seemed to be happy to have good news, to be
part of the team instead of the bearer of rules. Taeyeon nodded her thanks.
Back to the waiting room. The private room had nice toiletries in its
restroom, French soap, toothbrushes, toothpaste. She washed her face, brushed her
teeth. She still looked twelve. A tired, worn twelve.
Back out to the waiting room and her friend. Friends? What sorcery was
this? Connections. Belonging.
Soo was leaned against Yoona, both of them dozing, beautifully. Taeyeon felt
something odd in her heart when she looked at them. They were beautiful. A
perfect couple, supportive of each other, different from any normal definition of
couplehood, but just... perfect. They were going to have beautiful children. She
should wake them, send them home. It was dark now, the early sunset of winter
well past... but that would mean being without them. Better to let them rest. Yes.
Back to Jessica's room, just down the hall. The woman lay unmoving, barely
breathing, wreathed in the single light of the darkened ward. Taeyeon moved
closer to her wife. Oh, God. How was that going to play out? Taeyeon shook her
head, even as her heart lurched, making her breath catch.
Wife.
Taeyeon pulled a chair up to the sleeping beauty.
Jessica... was beautiful. Beautiful in more than looks. But in her care, her
sacrifice, her suffering. That Taeyeon could see it so clearly... today... today was all
about change. Yes.
"Krystal is in surgery. They're going to work on her tumors. I understand that
she'll need therapy, lots of... things. But I promise you, Jessica, she'll have them.
And you'll have them. I mean, I know I... I don't have the right to offer them to
you, but if you'll... oh, God. What am I saying? I'm your wife. Really. We got
married while you were... dead? Sleeping. Was that a movie? It sounds like a
movie. It's all a lie anyway. I hope you wake up soon. Your sister is going to need
you.
"I burned your apartment down. The detective said the phone books flared
up and yeah, half your stuff is smoky, water-logged, ruin. I did that. I tore your
coat. I found you dead. You... I've never been so scared before. I hope you wake
up. I hope you're angry and... but not too angry. I meant well. I think we'll have to
go to Vegas to get divorced. Or is that Reno? Mexico? I have no idea. I mean, it's
not like I ever thought I'd get married to have to worry about getting divorced. I'm
not... I'm not marriage material. I'm a terrible person. I destroy things. I... I'm
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mean. And I don't know so much about so much. And I don't even know if I'm gay.
Well, I don't know if... likely you're not gay either. But... yeah. I'll just shut up
now.
"But it would be nice if we could have a real conversation, without you
being unconscious. Won't you wake up, Jessica? I'd like to take you out for a
sandwich and coffee. I'd like to have you there when I check up on Krystal. Why
do I have to care about her? Why do I care? But I do. I care... I think I do because
she's part of you. But if she's anything like you, she's a good person too. And I'd
like to be there when she's walking. What is this? What am I feeling? Fear? Hope?
I don't want to wake up tomorrow and be who I was. Don't get me wrong. I don't
want to be-- I don't want another day like today. Oh, God no. Not. Ever, like today.
You're... what you did for Krystal... you're crazy. Soo, me, everyone today, is
crazy. So not normal.
"But what is normal? I'm not normal. I'm a workaholic monster who got
perfect grades, a great company, no family, a perfect friend. I think I lucked into
that last. That's who I am. I don't-- I wouldn't even have a friend if she hadn't outstubborned and out-crazied me. Sooyoung. You-- Ms. Choi. Like I'm Ms. Kim.
But who am I? People say... people identify with their relationships. I'm so-andso's husband, wife, father, brother, sister. I'm from here and I do this and I cheer
for this team... but who am I? Taeyeon Kim. Monster. Nobody.
"But today? Today I was somebody. I did my best for someone who I don't
even really know. And that's the part I want to keep. That's who I want to be. I... I
don't know, Jessica, if you will ever forgive me for gambling with Krystal, for
destroying so much of your stuff, for... deciding things for you while you were
sleeping, but if you can, if you can accept my help, I'm offering to help. Anything
you need. Why? I don't know. I don't know you. Just your deeds. Your... things, the
sacrifices you made, how you worked so hard, hoped, the notes on the back of... I
went through that box. I know about your parents. I lost my parents. My dad when
I was young, my mom last year. And it hurts. It hurts to be alone. I'd like to... Oh,
what I am saying. I don't even know how to be a friend. I have the best, most
perfect friend in the world and I don't know if I could ever be like her.
"I hope you wake up. Your sister needs you. I... I'm responsible for her until
you wake up, and can be... if... there's any... if you don't wake up normally, I'll take
care of her. I promise you that. And I'll take care of you too. You are not going
back to that hell hole. You can... well, there's lots of room in my place... but it's
not... I mean, there's... what I'm saying is that the choice is obviously up to... we'll
cross that bridge later.
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"Won't you wake up, Jessica? Please?"

But Jessica lay there, delicate lips and brow unmoving, seemingly untouched
by the day.
Taeyeon nodded to herself, uncomfortably aware of her tripping heart.
Wanting, needing Jessica to wake up, but also dreading the thought of dealing with
all that that would entail. She sat for a while and then went to pester the surgical
ward nurse for news on Krystal.
In her dreams Jessica smiled.
Just a few more minutes of sleep.
~~~
"Another cup of tea?"
"She... is surprising."
"Taeyeon Kim has changed, Daughter."
"I did not see this possibility."
"Life is all about the possibilities."
"She will be fit company for Seohyun."
"I imagine she will. But there is the matter of your sacrifice."
"Within the boundaries placed upon me, I have done what I was able to do."
"I would remove you from your place."
"I-- I am Death."
"An office, not you. You have discharged your duty perfectly, but I would
have you nearer to me. I would like to know you better."
"You know everything about me. You made me."
"But you have grown. Changed. And you have suffered enough."
"I would not... fit here."
"Give me some credit, hmmm?"
"I am Death."
"You are more. You are loved. Let me heal you, Daughter, let me try."
"Why do you cry, Mother?"
"Because I would have you forgive me."
"You-- You are-- "
"Your Mother. My child, you are mine, and I would see you happy."
~~~

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"She used me."

"You let yourself be used."
"Do not take that tone with me, Tiffany."
"Sunny, you-- be more, think more. Hyoyeon thinks highly of your...
possibility."
"I'm just a star. Like billions upon billions of others. Hydrogen and-- "
"Hush. I know your feelings. I know your desire to be more."
"Fine. I still don't like her. Yuri. I am Death. She reeks of it."
"Yuri serves. As do we all. It is not for you to question her duty."
"She causes suffering!"
"Free will, Sunny. We who have it cause suffering. By willing it, by deciding
it, by not acting against it. Yuri simply has her duties."
"She tried to take Seohyun."
"Whom you love."
"You do too!"
"You two... have been my family. My only family, I who for so long had...
nothing."
"Why do you continue, Tiffany? Why do you... "
"Continue? Why do I not hunger for more? Why will I not be reborn? I have
been and seen and done all that is possible for one of my kind."
"Hyoyeon does not think so. She wishes... more for you."
"I am content to continue until she tires of me. I will have no other place.
Even Death would not have me."
"Would death have been much difference? You have your memories, you
carry them. You suffer under them."
"My people are gone, Sunny. Only I remain."
"But-- "
"Imagine if you were the last star in the sky. Would you not blaze to show all
creation how the stars lived? Until it was your time?"
"You pain me, Elf."
"Such is life."
"Look at Taeyeon. Our last charge. Is she not inspiring?"
"If Hyoyeon were not law, I would suspect her touch. Taeyeon Kim has done
well for herself. She has turned the dark corner of her soul."
"Exactly. She wants more. She understands that she deserves more."
"Does she?"
"You jibe with me, Tiffany. Look at her. Would the soul of this morning
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taken this burden? Would she have felt deserving? But now she dares to hope. To
embrace the possibility. Where is Seohyun? She should be seeing this."
"Seohyun worries for Yuri."
"Feeling guilty, is she?"
"Ever it is with dutiful children."
"She deserves more, just as you do, Tiffany."
"Enough, little star. Go shine your light upon her, cheer her up. Leave me to
my gloom."
"Stupid elf."
"Light bulb."
"Pointy-eared Vulcan."
"What?"
"Some old TV show. They beam them out into space for anyone to hear."
"Ah."
~~~
"Seohyun!"
"Gah! Sunny. For a massive blue giant, you are very sneaky."
"And you are very frowny."
"It is my nature."
"No more. You are free. No longer a reaper."
"I... I am not."
"Put off those black robes. Something... brighter, more colorful, I think."
"Maybe later."
"You're worried? For what?"
"My mother. You hurt her."
"I pried Jessica Jung's soul from her grasp. I meant no harm to Yuri. Besides,
she cannot die. She is Death."
"You hurt her."
"I'm sorry. But she's the sneaky one. Conniving."
"She saved Jessica Jung."
"Yeah. Well, I had a hand. Unknowingly."
"Sunny, you must be less impetuous."
"Says the youngest of us. Girl, I am hundreds of millions of years old."
"I know... Thank you, Sunny."
"For what?"
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"For caring about me."

"You are part of us. My friend. But why do you fear? Hyoyeon loves your
mother."
"My mother cares for me. I know you think her dark and cold, but she was
ever... "
"Strict."
"Kind. She didn't show it, but I knew it."
"This must be a mother-daughter thing. I saw a jealous power seeking her
own, and she did not exactly disabuse me of my supposition, did she?"
"You are angry with her."
"She used me. I should be pleased?"
"She used you to save a soul."
"Whatever. Fine. Okay."
"Wait. Can you feel it?"
"What?"
"Something moves."
"Hyoyeon, no doubt."
~~~
Taeyeon felt so drained. Krystal was out of surgery, in the recovery ward,
wire bands and screws holding her legs stable. Doctor Kline was a tiny man,
scarcely taller than herself, smiling and kind, nattering about the fun helicopter
ride.
'That's something to tell the grand kids!'
But now Krystal lay unconscious, a few rooms down from her sister.
Nothing to do but wait. Taeyeon felt her eyes burning, breath tight in her
chest. Was she coming down with the flu? She should wear a mask. Neither of the
Jung sisters could afford getting... well, more sick.
Almost eighteen hours since she'd woken up this morning. Almost
Christmas. The first Christmas she could ever remember wanting something.
The hospital was quiet, visiting hours well over, but the ever helpful
administrator, Mr. Caldwell, had given her, Soo and Yoona too, almost free access,
the run of the halls. Taeyeon snorted. Connections were nice for a lot of things.
Helicopter rides, Air Force jets, marriage licenses. If Soo ever turned her hand to
being naughty, she could be very dangerous.
Taeyeon nodded at the charge nurse and wandered into Krystal's room.
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Krystal had the same delicate mouth that her sister had. Almost the same
nose. No hair. A black knit cap covered a small, well shaped head atop a long
neck. Too thin cheeks, almost colorless lips. Jessica's precious sister.
Taeyeon nodded then yawned. She sat down in a chair and nodded off for
what seemed like a few seconds. But she dreamed of her mother, in the homeless
shelter. Alone. No one to care. Her heart slowly suffocating, from fluids, from a
lifetime of pain. No family, no hope. No happiness. But thinking about her
daughter as the night grew darker, each breath slower.
Taeyeon awoke, feeling tears in her eyes. Someone had covered her with a
blanket. Soo. The thought hurt. She had a friend, but her mother hadn't even had
her daughter. It hurt. Surely... surely Mom had deserved more. Taeyeon bit her lip,
dashing the tears away. I'm sorry, Mom. I'll... do better. I'll be better.
Someone croaked words. "... heello? Aannnyone?"
Taeyeon found herself talking to the junior Jung. Krystal was... kind. Sweet
and funny and sharp. But she kept asking for Jessica. How to tell her that Jessica
wasn't waking up? How to tell her of Jessica's sacrifice, what her sister had done
for her? That she'd died and then not died and...
How to tell this girl that her sister hadn't given up on her, not for one second
of her life.
Soo and Yoona showed up then. The medication and straps were keeping
Krystal from thrashing about, but their words wouldn't calm her down, as if she
knew that Jessica had been hurt.
"Jessie! Jessie! Where are you?!"
And then with a sound of small wheels, Jessica came into the room, rolling
her IV tree. The woman yawned hugely, and smiled apologetically at Taeyeon, and
Soo. Then she went to her sister and that's when Taeyeon fainted.
~~~
Taeyeon awoke sometime later, daylight. Her head hurt, a nice sized knot
tender to the touch. A blonde head was turned away from her, resting on the bed by
her side. She must have made a noise as Jessica woke up, looking good for
someone who'd been dead a day earlier.
Taeyeon tried to smile. It hurt to smile.
Jessica looked at her with an unreadable expression, eyes narrowed. Neither
of them moved for some seconds and then Jessica sniffed. She tilted her head and
said, "So. Wife?"
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27. Christmas: One Love

essica woke to find herself in a hospital bed, hooked to things she'd seen
attached to Krystal too many times, to her dying mother, once upon a time.
A nurse was hovering over her, eyes wide in surprise. To see Jessica
looking up at her? The nurse had a stylus in hand, poised over a tablet
computer as if she'd been in the middle of note-taking.
Jessica gave a small smile to the surprised woman and said through dry lips,
"Hi."
The nurse stuttered, "H-H-Hi."
"Where am I?" Why was she in a hospital bed?
"B-Beth Israel."
Beth Israel Hospital? "What happened?"
"Y-You... you-- "
Jessica suddenly remembered that she'd been giving blood. Illegally. She
must have passed out. Damn. Wait. Was Krystal okay? "Never mind. Can I get
up?"
"Up?"
"Out of bed?"
"You should-- you s-should rest."
"I need to see my sister. Krystal. Krystal Jung. Is she-- "
"She's just down the hall, in her own room, with your... family."
Jessica blinked in surprise. What? Family? She had no family, other than
Krystal. There had been a few distant cousins somewhere on the west coast, but
she'd never met them. It hardly seemed likely that they'd suddenly show up.
Jessica tilted her head. The nurse must be mistaken. Whatever. She'd go look for
herself. To... see... if Krystal still had her legs. The question was on the tip of her
tongue but she couldn't make herself ask it. The world trembled and then Jessica
shook her head. Her body felt sore, slow. Fatigued. No. No family, no other help.
Whatever had happened, Krystal needed her. They'd get through this. Together.
"Can I get up?"
"H-How do you feel?"
"Fine."
"The IV has to stay in and you need to be careful of the bandage there." The
nurse pointed to Jessica's hip.
Jessica nodded. Whatever. Wait. Why did she have a bandage? But words,
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questions, were beyond her. Unimportant. Only Krystal mattered.

It was the work of a few minutes as the nurse removed a catheter and
monitoring wires with smooth, efficient motions. The unpleasantness of being
unhooked from all the equipment almost made Jessica glad she hadn't been awake
for their attachment. The nurse handed her socks which she slipped on easily. She
was pleased that her hands seemed to be steady. She remembered fumbling with
juice boxes. She sat still for a second, taking stock of her body but images of
Krystal with no legs kept intruding. How were they-- How was Krystal going to-Jessica took a deep breath. She... she couldn't let her sister see any pain on her
face. She swung her legs over the side of the bed. She had to be positive.
Jessica was taken aback when she let her eyes see the room. It was a very
nice room, with the bed she was sitting on the only bed present. There was a big
flatscreen on the wall, flanked by large dark windows with floor-length curtains.
Natural silk from the look of them. Her feet felt soft carpet through the socks. A
private room? Expensive. Much too expensive. What had happened? Carpeting?
Soothing color tones on the walls? French impressionist prints? Claude Monet.
Money. It was all money she didn't have. How...
Later. Important, but not something she could worry about or change now.
Jessica stood, feeling stiff and slow.
The nurse said, "Move slowly. Would you like a wheelchair?"
Wheelchair? Jessica shook her head emphatically. She hated the things.
Krystal's wheelchair was still at home. She'd have to clean it before her sister
could use it again. But was Krystal going to be stuck in it forever?
The nurse found her some slippers and helped her secure her gown's ties
against the draft. Very soft cotton. Even the bed was comfortable, the sheets, all
much softer than she could remember Krystal ever having.
"Where is Krystal's room?"
"Third door to the right."
It was late at night, the hallway lights dim as she made her slow way to see
her sister. The intervening rooms were dark and empty and Jessica shivered. The
world was a cold and dark place. Her IV stand's wheels made a quiet squeaking,
her slippers shuffling. Her hip did hurt, right where leg joined body. Questing
fingers found a bandage over a slick feeling tape patch. Weird but also
unimportant. Another nurse was at a duty station a few steps beyond the third door
and Jessica nodded at the woman, giving a nervous smile. The nurse seemed
frozen but then started, shaking her head and blinking her eyes. As if she were
seeing things? Well, it was late at night. Maybe patients weren't permitted out and
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about? Or was it that Krystal couldn't be seen yet? Hospitals had so many rules.
Jessica pointed at the door to her sister's room. "I'm her-- I'm Jessica Jung.
Krystal Jung. Sister. We're sisters. Can I-- Can I go in?"
A little nod with no words, eyes still wide.
Hmm. What was going on?
It didn't matter. Jessica put her hand on the door handle and paused.
Thoughts of Krystal, a jagged surge of anxiety, a sense of impending failure... how
was she going to act normal and calm with Krystal? Her sister was perceptive,
quick. What if she gave up? What if Krystal stopped caring?
And why was the nurse still staring at her?
Jessica banished the nurse from her mind, instead opening the door to a
brighter room, equally as large and as nicely appointed as the one she'd left.
Different artists' prints on the wall, Degas. Renoir. There were a set of plush chairs
against the wall, one of them holding an untidy bundle of blankets. But it was the
bed that drew her eyes. In the bed lay Krystal, betubed and bewired, her legs... her
legs still there. Still there. Krystal, alive and whole. Jessica let out a breath, a
fluttering thing that trembled soundlessly. Krystal's upper legs were caged in wire
appliances... what were they called? External fixators? Jessica couldn't remember
for sure, but she remembered them from the tumor surgery briefing material. They
held titanium screws which were driven into her sister's thin thighs, providing
support until bone grafts could take. Screwed into healthy bone, above and below
where the tumors... used to be? Areas of gauze and skin orange from betadine told
Jessica that the doctors had operated on the legs, small incisions, but deep, all the
way to the bone. The originally scheduled surgery to remove the tumors... how had
it happened? Surely the four units she'd given hadn't been enough.
No. The important thing was that her beautiful sister slept there in the bed,
the beeping monitor saying that Krystal's heart beat strong and sure. Questions
could wait, could be answered in the morning, when the doctors came around.
Her sister was alive. Alive and whole. Jessica remembered the blood that
had covered Krystal, that had issued through stained teeth like a nightmare. She'd
known then that Krystal was dying, the endless minutes waiting for the
ambulance, Krystal laying so still.
Was this real? Her sister was just... sleeping? Peacefully? Jessica had never
seen a more beautiful sight in her life. For a long minute she simply looked at
Krystal, wanting to touch her, but afraid to wake her. Afraid, really, to wake from
this dream.
Then someone snorted behind Jessica.
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Jessica spun, not seeing anyone. But something moved in the chair, under
the blanket. A small person. Fingers appeared and tugged a corner of a blanket
away from a face.
Ms. Kim? Ms. Kim. Why was Ms. Kim here? Jessica rubbed her eyes and
looked again. Ms. Kim. In her sleep Ms. Kim had the utter innocence of a child.
The nurse had said family. Family? Ms. Kim definitely wasn't family.
A sound by the door dragged her eyes away from the sleeping child-woman
and there was Ms. Choi, her other boss. What? Ms. Choi had dark rings under her
eyes, blinking them at her as if she were seeing a ghost. Why was everyone doing
that?
~~~
"Dead."
"Dead."
"I was dead?"
"For two hours."
"Oh. Hah. Hooo."
"Taeyeon never gave up."
"I don't... know what to say. But... why would... and wife?"
"Crazy."
"Nuts. I don't even know her or... "
"I've never seen Taeyeon care for anyone. But it's lucky for you that she
picked today to start."
"Yeah. You're not kidding... Whoooo."
"Are you okay?"
"I don't know. Tired. Dizzy. Like really tired, all of a sudden."
"You've been through a lot, Jessica. Get some sleep. I'm up now."
"No, Ms. Choi, you-- you and Ms. Kim and your-- your fianc have... done
so much. I-- "
"Shhh. Lay back, dear. Do you want me to ask the nurse for something to
help you sleep?"
"No. I've-- Oh, no! The Henderson files!"
"Relax. Shhh. I called Mr. Henderson already. He was happy to stay out of
the city. You can think about work after New Years. You have some getting better
to do."
"An F-22... Ms... Kim... "
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"Sleeeep."
"Okay... Just... for a moment."
~~~
The sound of Krystal's voice woke Jessica from a pleasant drowse. She
sighed. Still dreaming this very nice dream. The bed was so comfortable, much
nicer than the one in her apartment... her burned apartment. That wasn't very
dreamlike. The apartment was in a bad neighborhood, but some of the older people
in the building were nice and the rent... was not something she needed to think
about right now.
She wheeled her IV tree into the hall to see the back of Ms. Choi disappear
into Krystal's room. It was still the middle of the night and the last of the
sleepiness clung stubbornly. Voices. It sounded as if everyone was awake in there.
Jessica felt a smile start to form as she got nearer to the door. Krystal was
talking... to Ms. Kim? Wife? Wife. Everything felt so unreal.
"Jessie! Jessie! Where are you?!"
Well, that sounded quite real.
Jessica hid a huge yawn behind her hand as she entered the room. Around
Krystal's bed were Ms. Kim and Ms. Choi and a truly beautiful woman who could
only be Ms. Choi's fianc. Jessica nodded at them, suddenly feeling shy. So much
trouble and bother she'd caused. She moved quickly to the bed, catching one of
Krystal's hands, smiling down at her sister.
Then Ms. Kim fell to the floor in a dead faint.
~~~
Taeyeon blinked at the question the blonde woman had just asked. Wife?
Wife. "Uhh. That's... Umm. Yeah."
Then Jessica Jung smiled, a quick grin. "How are you feeling? The scans
said your head is going to be okay, despite the bump. But they heard something
with one of your heart valves. You need to get that checked out. And you're
anemic. Did you know?"
Taeyeon touched her chest, her mouth open. "W-What? What happened to
me?"
"You fainted. You were looking at me and you... fainted. You scared us all,
Ms. Kim. Ms. Choi especially. I think she loves you. She was very concerned."
332

"Uh-- hold on. What?"

"What, what?"
"I-- I fainted?"
"You don't remember?"
Taeyeon remembered the shock of seeing Jessica moving, walking, talking,
smiling... Why wasn't Jessica Jung furiously indignant? "I-- I do. I guess. You're
alive. Awake. Are you alright?"
Taeyeon saw Jessica Jung's eyes open wider as if she were surprised with the
question. Clear brown eyes formed from perfectly pretty curves, the eyebrows
elegant above them. Then the woman bit her lip, distracting Taeyeon's gaze to a
mouth that somehow mirrored the shape of the eyes. A mouth that was now
smiling widely. Nice teeth. Taeyeon could never remember having seen this smile
before, even in the pictures from the box.
Jessica spoke. "Am I alright? I'm... confused." Jessica said that last word
with a frown, a slight pout.
Taeyeon surprised herself by chuckling, but that made her head hurt. She
winced as a spike of pain shot from her head down to her tummy. "Ouch."
"Your head hit the floor pretty hard. There's a slight concussion."
"How-- How do you know-- "
"Wife. They keep me informed."
"Ah."
"Do you need to go to the bathroom? You've been out of it for ten hours
now."
Taeyeon's bladder nodded sagaciously in agreement. She nodded to Jessica.
Peeing sounded very nice.
"Do you want me to call the nurse for a bedpan? They were going to
catheterize you soon, if you didn't wake." The blonde gave a delicate shudder of
distaste.
Taeyeon remembered that they'd done so for Jessica at some point. At the
time Taeyeon had taken it as one more proof that Jessica's body was alive,
working. Odd, how the functions of a body took on different importance in a
hospital, modesty and shame be damned. Life was more important. Images of
Jessica, dead in the alley, her clothing cut open in the ambulance, icy water
dripping to the floor, her flesh so white and unmoving that it seemed like plastic,
her bra smudged, strands of her wet hair laying limply across her still face.
Taeyeon shook her head and winced at another spike of pain. Concussion.
She looked at Jessica again, convincing herself that it wasn't a dream, convincing
333

herself that Jessica was sitting there, alive. Jessica was looking at her with a look
of growing concern on her face. But Jessica was clean and alive, her hair straight
and brushed, shining in the reflected sunlight coming through the windows. Still
very pale, but she didn't look tired, wan and exhausted, as she had on Friday night.
All Jessica had to look the part of the recently deceased was an IV tree and a
hospital gown. Beautifully alive.
"Ms. Kim?"
"Uh? What?"
"Did you want me to call a nurse? For the bathroom?"
"No. I can-- I can go to the bathroom myself."
"Are you sure? They said you might be dizzy."
"I'll be fine." Bathroom. Where... Taeyeon looked around the room. A private
room, of course. How much was this costing? Her lips firmed and then relaxed.
Old habits, yes? Not important now. There was the bathroom door. Taeyeon moved
the covers aside and managed to pull her hospital gown off one of her shoulders as
she scooched. She grabbed the falling garment and then realized that she was
otherwise naked.
Naked? Who had undressed her? What-- what-- how-- when-- Well. The
staff must have.
Jessica giggled.
"What?"
The giggle cut short. "Sorry. You just... "
"Just?"
"Blushed. You're very fair. You have pale skin."
Taeyeon looked at the smiling woman and felt a curl of answering
amusement. Jessica was in the same situation, but she somehow managed to seem
perfectly comfortable in her hospital fashion.
And why was smiling so... natural? Why did it feel good? Bump on the
head? But that didn't explain all that had happened since waking up so long ago in
her apartment.
Jessica gestured for her to turn and Taeyeon did so self-consciously. She felt
deft fingers tying ties, tugging the gown straight, feeling embarrassment all the
while. Jessica finished by patting both shoulders, as if to say, all done. Taeyeon
stood, reaching for the IV stand to take with her and that's when she noticed she
had socks on her feet, long socks with rubberized beads on the bottom.
Taeyeon became aware that Jessica was holding her arm, steadying her. She
jerked her head up to look at Jessica. Jessica's smile. The blonde raised her chin at
334

the bathroom door, as if reminding her why they were standing. Right. Jessica was
just being nice, polite. It was the polite thing to do. Help the concussed person to
stand and walk. Taeyeon proceeded to shuffle slowly, turning over these very odd
happenings in her head. They both had IV trees on wheels that they held onto with
their off hands. What an odd couple.
Taeyeon went to the bathroom and took care of business, washing her face,
brushing her teeth, inspecting herself in the mirror. Yup. Still twelve. A bad heart
valve? She should probably get that checked out. Hmm. What a day. A night. A
new day. A new day? But something was bothering her. A lot of things. But
something specific. What?
She exited the bathroom and stopped, looking down. She hadn't been
wearing socks yesterday. She looked at them for a few seconds, head tilted. A
gown was one thing. Socks another. Who had put socks on her feet? Would a nurse
have done so? A gown, okay. But socks? Had Soo put the socks on?
"I... put them on."
Taeyeon looked up to see Jessica watching her from her seat. "You... "
"Put the... "
"On me?"
"Yes."
"Who un... "
"Dressed? Me."
Taeyeon's eyes were wide, imagining Jessica getting her clothes off and
putting... "Oh."
The blonde shrugged, "Wife."
"Oh."
Jessica sniffed and then asked, "Weird?"
"Yes."
"Well, you were crazy to do what you did. If I wasn't the wife then I
wouldn't have had to... "
Taeyeon found herself hugging her own breasts. This was silly. She'd seen
just as much of Jessica and there was nothing to be modest about. But... wife.
"Damn."
Jessica nodded. "Nuts."
"Sorry. I'm so sorry."
"About what?"
"The DNR."
"No."
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"What?"
"Don't."
"Don't?"
"Apologize."
"Why?"
"You have no reason to be sorry. You helped me. You helped us."
"But I married you and then went against the DNR and why do you have a
DNR?"
Jessica paled, losing her faint blush. Brown eyes clouded in a pain and
Taeyeon's breath stilled, wondering if she'd managed to put a foot wrong. Well,
more wrong.
Jessica nodded. How this pain still managed to be fresh after so many
years... "My mother. She... there was a car accident. She spent days on life
support. Krystal never knew but... and... there was no hope. Her head was...
crushed. And it cost so much. It cost us the house. I never want that again. For
Krystal."
"I understand."
Jessica looked at Ms. Kim, standing there with her IV tree. Her boss had an
expression on her child-like face... Could Ms. Kim understand? A dying mother,
no hope, only pain and guilt. But something... something about the woman said
that she did. Ms. Kim... carried old pain as well. Somehow Jessica knew this of
her. "Okay. But still... Ms. Kim, why? Why did you help?"
"I couldn't not help you. I mean, I had to help."
Which made no sense at all. Who did this for a stranger? Well, the next thing
to a stranger. They'd never done more than speak briefly about work before
yesterday. "How could you... "
Taeyeon shrugged. How to explain? She felt as mystified as Jessica looked.
"I don't know. I had to try."
"Well, thank you." Jessica swallowed. She'd seen the bills for everything that
had happened. The insurance company was going to scream bloody murder for her
private room and emergency care. "I'll pay you back for everything as soon as I... "
Krystal's care and rehabilitation fees were going to be enormous. Jessica
swallowed again. "As soon as I can."
Ms. Kim shook her head firmly. "No. You don't owe me anything."
"What? How can you say that? It's already over a hundred thousand! That's-And I have no idea what renting an F-22 is going to cost. Are those expensive?"
Taeyeon surprised herself with a laugh. "A little. I think. But Yoona has all
336

that covered. And I will cover your costs. It's the least I can do after... well...
marrying you."
"But you did that to help me. Ms. Choi explained everything."
"Realistically, Jessica, you could sue me and take everything I have."
"Wha-- I'd never do that!"
"But you could. Heck, I'd understand if you did."
"No. Stop."
"If you didn't, I'd be thankful-- "
"That's insane. Ms. Kim, how could I be-- who could be so ungrateful? I'm
alive because of you. My sister has her legs because of you."
"Not all me. So many people helped. There was a little doctor and a nice
detective, Yoona, Soo. Ms. Choi. Don't call me Ms. Kim. I'm Taeyeon. I mean...
we're... "
"But we're not. I-- "
"Oh. Of course. I mean... Ms. Kim is fine."
"No. No! That's not what-- "
"No. It's okay. I know we're not-- I mean, you're not-- I don't even know if...
we're not."
"Right. Right. Um. But there is one thing."
"What?"
"In the mix up, with you fainting and then the staff and doctors that showed
up... um... "
"What? Did something happen after I fainted?"
~~~
"Ms. Jung?"
"Y-Yes? Is she okay?"
"Pupillary reaction suggests concussion."
"What happened?"
"She's passed out. We should get her checked. Run some tests, scans."
"I see."
"Will you sign?"
"What?"
"Consent forms. We need to get her admitted."
"What?"
"You're her wife."
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"Oh. Right. Wife."

"Sign here and here."
"... Will that be all?"
"She's just down the hall. If you want you can help get her comfortable."
"Comfortable?"
"Undressed? She can't do for herself."
"Riiight."
"Your wife is stable for now, but we'll need to take her to radiology soon."
"Okay. Okay."
"Five minutes?"
"Okay."
The nurse left and Jessica turned to see her little sister looking at her with
very wide eyes.
"I... uh... Krystal, I have to run for a little bit."
"Jessie, you're... married?"
"Oh. Well, uh, that's-- " There was an indescribable look in Krystal's eyes.
Shock and surprise were part of it and Krystal really didn't need that right now.
"You married your boss?"
"Ahh. Th-that-- "
"Oh, Jessie. Why didn't you tell me? How could you not tell me?" Fat tears
were welling in Krystal's eyes. Krystal who never cried. The heart monitor started
accelerating.
"I'm sorry! Calm down, baby. No-- don't-- I'm sorry."
Krystal still had a spinal block keeping her from moving, but her hands were
shaking, covering her mouth, wiping tears as huge sobs wracked her while she
choked out words. "No. I'm happy. I'm so happy."
What? Happy? Jessica hugged her sister and begged her to stop crying.
Krystal never cried, as if she knew that it tore her sister apart to hear. After some
minutes the girl who never cried finally stopped and when Jessica drew back it
was to see Krystal smiling weakly.
"Baby, are you okay?"
"Oh, Jessie. I'm not-- I'm not sad. I'm happy. I mean, you should have told
me, but I can understand that you didn't want-- I mean, I was sick and you
probably didn't want to me to worry about a wedding because of the surgery.
Right?"
"Uhh. Right. Right!"
"I'm so happy for you."
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"Huh? Why?"
"I always felt horrible that you didn't date and you worked so hard but...
wow. I always thought you'd marry... "
"A man?"
"Someone taller? Wow, you're gay."
"Uhh-- "
"There's nothing wrong with that. You know I love you. You know I'm happy
for you, right? Please know that."
"O-Of course."
"But how did I not know this? You liked boys in high school. Didn't you?"
"I was... confused?"
"Oh. My gay sister. Oh. And the boss. No wonder you couldn't tell. That's
probably against the rules or something."
"Something."
"She's cute. I mean. Short. Wow. Sister-in-law. A gay sister-in-law."
~~~
Taeyeon's eyes were wide. So, Krystal thought... "Ummm. Oooh. Wow."
"I mean, I know you'd want to get this-- our-- annulled as soon as possible,
but can you... I know I don't have a right to ask, Ms. Kim. Especially after all that
you've done, already."
"I'm okay with-- "
"Just until Krystal is out of rehab? She never cries. I just-- I want her to be
happy. She's had such a hard life and-- "
"Yeah. Oh. Wait. Wait."
"Y-Yes?"
"You can't-- I burned your apartment. You can't go home."
"I know. I heard."
"So... you'd have to stay with me?"
"Yes. Yes, that's right. Oh my-- "
"Krystal too?"
"... Yes."
"If she thinks we're married, it could be... "
"Is that a horrible imposition? It is. It is. I could-- I can sleep on the floor. I
mean... oh, this is horrible of me ask. I can't impose like this. What am I thinking?
I'll just... tell her."
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"No! No. It's fine. She doesn't need the shock, like you said. Her body's been
through an ordeal."
Just then they heard a knock on the door. Taeyeon remembered that it was
her room. She called out, "Come in."
Soo came in backwards, pulling a wheelchair with Krystal in it. When she
spun around Taeyeon saw that both of Krystal's legs were outstretched in front of
her, draped with a blanket that didn't hide the shape of the metal rings around her
thighs. But the girl had a huge smile on her face. A nervous smile, but lovely.
Sooyoung looked at Taeyeon's face with a frown. "You're up."
"Yeah."
"How's the head?"
"Aching a little. You should be home."
"I wanted to check on you. You got a heart thing, partner. Good thing your
wife told the doctors to give you a full run up. Hi, Jessica. You're looking better."
"M-- S-Sooyoung. Good afternoon."
Taeyeon touched her chest. She'd forgotten all about the heart valve. Was
that why it kept thumping weirdly?
"Krystal wanted some air and she wanted to meet her sister-in-law properly."
Sooyoung managed to say that with a straight face.
Taeyeon fixed a smile on and beamed it at the girl in the wheelchair. Trust
Sooyoung to know the situation.
But Krystal was looking at her and Jessica without a smile now. Taeyeon
realized that anyone with a working eye and half a brain could have cut the
awkwardness in the room with a knife. She and Jessica were standing stiffly apart
from each other, body language a ten on the tense-o-meter.
Krystal's eyes started to narrow, a small frown started to grow. "Were you
two fighting?"
Taeyeon jerked into motion, walking closer to Jessica, moving her arm
around a warm waist. "No. No. Ha ha. Not at all."
Uncertainty sounded in Krystal's tone, "Jessie? You seem so-- what's
wrong?" The worry was plain now, almost tragic.
Jessica felt frozen. Krystal was sharp, aware, never easy to lie to, and Jessica
didn't feel ready or calm about forcing such a lie onto Ms. Kim. She should just
tell Krystal the truth... despite how happy she'd been. Krystal, beaming from earto-ear, wanting to know everything about Ms. Kim, peppering her with questions
after Jessica had returned from undressing and dressing a wife she knew next to
nothing about, until at last weariness had kicked in.
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Krystal was still a sick girl and would be for months more. What a mess.
But the pressure of the hug around her waist gave her a way out. She tucked
herself into the open arm of Ms. Kim-- Taeyeon-- her wife. Jessica smiled at her
sister, putting her own free arm around M-- Taeyeon's shoulders. "Nothing is
wrong, Krystal. We're just deciding how-- the moving, I mean, since we're not
keeping it a secret-- uh, moving to Manhattan with-- T-Taeyeon. That's all."
"Oh." Krystal's face was still cool.
Jessica felt a flutter of panic. Could Krystal tell that they were acting?
Taeyeon spoke, not really helping the matter. "It's-- My place is close. By. To
work. I don't really know about schools, but I imagine there will be one. Close.
For you."
A suspicion worked on Krystal. Taeyeon seemed so stiff and nervous. Not
comfortable at all, and Jessie wasn't much better. She could tell. Why would Jessie
lie? Jessie was a horrible liar. Had they been fighting? Over her? Having a sick
sister was pretty terrible, the constant ups and downs of her illness was a wearing
thing. But now, she'd had the surgery. No more cancer, hopefully. Just more rounds
of chemo to finish killing it all. Krystal felt something painful twist in her tummy.
This wasn't fair to Jessie. Her sister would be busy taking care of her while she
worked with the therapists to get stronger, while she healed and learned how to
walk again. Walking, running, dancing... and Jessie had never had a honeymoon.
Never gotten to live freely and happily in what should have been a happy time in
her life. Jessie needed to have a life. A love.
"I-- I can stay in our apartment, Jessie. It's close by to here. Y-You should
live with Taeyeon. I'll get strong fast. I'm almost eighteen. I-I want you to be
happy."
Taeyeon frowned at the jagged pain that flashed across Krystal's face before
something that tried to be a smile settled in. This was... no. This was not right.
Taeyeon found herself standing next to the wheelchair, holding a thin hand.
"Krystal, you're part of the deal. When I married your sister, I knew about you."
Technically true.
Behind Krystal Sooyoung closed her mouth. She'd almost told these two
horrid play actors to give it up. After all, Krystal wasn't some wilting flower. The
kid was steel-cored. But Taeyeon's words shut her up.
Jessica looked nervy but she nodded.
Krystal's smile became lopsided, pained. "Was it a nice wedding?"
Taeyeon blinked. "W-What?"
"The wedding ceremony? I... didn't... "
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"Oh. It was a city-hall thing. A license."

"Oh. Well, I guess since we don't have family on our side."
"M-Me either. No family."
Jessica seemed a little green but she nodded again. "Family."
"Kiss."
"Hmm?"
"What?"
"I want to see you two kiss. Like you did at the wedding. I missed it."
"Uh, well-- "
"We didn't really-- "
"Please?"
Afterward, Taeyeon kept touching her mouth while Jessica's eyebrows and
lips pursed and twitched, blinked and blushed.
Sooyoung had to excuse herself after some seconds to go find a quiet
hallway far away to fill with laughter. Oh. My. God. What a Christmas present.
For all of them. So much better than any book could imagine. Soo called Yoona
and told her the happenings and asked if they couldn't have Christmas dinner in a
week or two, when the rest of the family got out of the hospital? On the other end
of the phone Yoona nodded through her tears. A happy Sooyoung was happiness
enough for anything.
In her wheelchair, with legs that felt as light as air, Krystal smiled dreamily.
When she got married to whomever it was she was going to marry, she wanted a
kiss like that. Never ending and perfect.
~~~
Yuri stared at her tea cup. "What would you have me do?"
"Remain a while, travel with me where I go."
"I am ill-suited to wander outside my domain. It is onerous enough here."
"No longer your domain."
"I... I am a reaper at the least in my heart. You may give the office of Death
to another, but I am stained by my time there."
"Then time you shall have, to learn lighter lessons."
"Of what, Mother? What could I learn? Am I not best suited for the tasks I
have done in the past?"
"Life is change, Yuri. Besides, you need the vacation."
"Vacation."
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"Granted."
"Must you be so glib?"
"Why so serious?"
"I... change is difficult."
"Understated, but essentially correct. Are you saying the challenge of change
is beyond you?"
"What? O-Of course not."
"Just so. I fully expect that you will exceed my design parameters in ways I
cannot begin to imagine. You are perfect in every way, but you will be more yet."
"I suppose I am left to trust in your words."
"You can bet on it."
~~~
Sunny peered down at the awkward couple, talking to the girl in the
wheelchair. "Which one is going to be my mother?"
"Taeyeon."
"Well... she's short. I guess I shouldn't expect differently."
Tiffany looked at fair Jessica. "Then the one who lives her second life? You
would have me accept her as the one who will birth me?"
"It's not as if that is one of the choices ever given. But, it seems fitting."
"Hyoyeon, I do not understand your insistence on this matter?"
"There comes a time, Tiffany, when sorrow should be put aside. Your time is
long past."
"Then simply let me fade."
"The time for your sorrow is past, but you still have much to give. I would
not see that wasted."
"What waste? What could I have left?"
Rather than answer, Hyoyeon turned to the spirit of a raging star and asked,
"Sunny, what will you gain from a human life?"
"Diaper rash. Laughter. Love?"
"You see, Tiffany? Love."
"What of my people?"
"Live for them. Love for them."
"As a human?"
"Something of who you were will continue. I suspect that when you smile,
people will be reminded of something they never knew existed. Something
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magical."
"I would have my memories returned to me in some way. I would not put
them aside."
"They are yours. You are not mortal as is Sunny. She will remember naught,
but you will have the price of melancholy, solemnity and knowledge ever haunting
your dreams. A depth of mortality that only an immortal could possess. That I
would not take from you, even if I could."
"Will I know you?"
"How do you mean?"
"You will visit. I know you too well."
"Well, everyone needs a vacation, every now and again. I would be loath to
not be seen by you."
"Still, your sentiment is difficult to understand. Your reasoning."
"Why do I do what I do?"
Sunny hugged the elf, shaking her side to side. "Oh, Tiffany, stop being so
silly. Even I can see why."
"Then pray tell, my celestial sister, what do you see?"
"All that Hyoyeon does is for love. But she cannot force it upon others, only
gift it to those who are ready to choose it. Choice, Elf. Choose wisely."
Slowly Tiffany nodded. "Ever it was. Too late in my past did I understand."
Seohyun spoke then, still attired in her robes of midnight. "What of our
duties? Without the three of us, what will happen to the next soul in balance?"
Hyoyeon wagged a finger at her. "It is time I trained new spirits. You three
are precious to me, too precious to keep here."
Seohyun glanced nervously at her mother, remote in a closed gallery,
separate from all. Yuri had still not departed, but try as she might Seohyun could
find no way to speak to Death, to ask forgiveness and understanding. Not that Yuri
would be inclined to give either. Such was not her nature.
Seohyun sighed. How to ask for understanding when she barely understood
what moved her? She bowed her head. "Hyoyeon, it will be some time, a few
years before we... are born. Surely we can continue in our tasks as the spirits of
Christmas until then."
Hyoyeon shook her head. "You have learned what I wanted you to learn as
roving spirits. Now it is time for more, and in time you will become more."
Seohyun stepped forward, closer to Hyoyeon. "May I speak to Yuri? I
would... I wish to reconcile if that is possible, however briefly."
"Yuri isn't ready, as yet, dear. But fear not. Some part of your past will linger
344

well into your new life. Some aspect of discipline, of serious judgment. Your
future will be decided by your choices and if enough of you remains who you are
now, you may know her when you meet."
Seohyun nodded before retreating. She could remain true, faithful to her
mother's loss.
Sunny spoke then, from the edge of the vision, watching a scene of wives
kissing. "If I may, Hyoyeon, one last question?"
"Speak, child."
"Why them? Why... Taeyeon and Jessica, Sooyoung and Yoona?"
"Because they deserve you, because they know love."
"Hmm. I guess that's good enough for me."

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~~~~~~
And here we have the end of 'A Soshi Christmas Carol.'
We hope you enjoyed the story, that it was as much fun to read as it was for us to
write.
Check out http://soshified.com/forums/topic/73638-a-soshi-christmas-carol/ for
information about any continuation of this storyline. You'll need a Soshified
account. You should have a Soshified account. Get a Soshified account. You can
even give ASCC a rating and leave a comment or question, if you feel so inclined.
Always a Merry Christmas!
And may Hyo be with you.
-Saradolimz
-Auratus
January 12, 2013

Revised April 26, 2013

Revised July 21, 2013
Revised November 16, 2013
Revise November 24, 2013

~~~~~~

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