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AUDITION MATERIALS - Comedic Monologues for Men and Women

FEMALE COMEDIC MONOLOGUES 1. “He Proposed to Me” from An Ideal Husband Well, Tommy has proposed to me again. Tommy really does nothing but propose to me. He proposed to me last night in the Music-room, when I was quite unprotected, as there was an elaborate trio going on. I didn't dare to make the smallest repartee, I need hardly tell you. If I had, it would have stopped the music at once. Musical people are so absurdly unreasonable. They always want one to be perfectly dumb at the very moment when one is longing to be absolutely deaf. Then he proposed to me in broad daylight this morning, in front of that dreadful statue of Achilles. Really, the things that go on in front of that work of art are quite appalling. The police should interfere. At luncheon I saw by the glare in his eyes that he was going to propose again, and I just managed to check him in time by assuring him that I was a bimetallist. Fortunately I don't know what bimetallism means. And I don't believe anybody else does either. But the observation crushed Tommy for ten minutes. He looked quite shocked. And then Tommy is so annoying in the way he proposes. If he proposed at the top of his voice, I should not mind so much. That might produce some effect on the public. But he does it in a horrid confidential way. When Tommy wants to be romantic he talks to one just like a doctor. I am very fond of Tommy, but his methods of proposing are quite out of date. I wish, Gertrude, you would speak to him, and tell him that once a week is quite often enough to propose to any one, and that it should always be done in a matter that attracts some attention.

2. “Coathanger Sculpture” from He’s a Good Man, Charlie Brown A 'C'? A 'C'? I got a 'C' on my coathanger sculpture? How could anyone get a 'C' in coathanger sculpture? May I ask a question? Was I judged on the piece of sculpture itself? If so, is it not true that time alone can judge a work of art? Or was I judged on my talent? If so,

is it fair that I be judged on a part of my life over which I have no control? If I was judged on my effort, then I was judged unfairly, for I tried as hard as I could! Was I judged on what I had learned about this project? If so, then were not you, my teacher, also being judged on your ability to transmit your knowledge to me? Are you willing to share my 'C'? Perhaps I was being judged on the quality of coathanger itself out of which my creation was

made

used by the drycleaning establishment that returns our garments? Is that not the responsibility of my parents? Should they not share my 'C'?

now

is this not also unfair? Am I to be judged by the quality of coathangers that are

3.

“Leave Me Alone, Mr. Cornell” from The Star-Spangled Girl

Mr. Cornell, Ah have tried to be neighborly, Ah have tried to be friendly, and Ah have

tried to be cordial

appreciative that you carried mah trunk up the stairs

flights and smashed to pieces was not your fault

message you painted on the stairs. Ah thought it was crazy, but sorta sweet.

Ah

don't know what it is that you're tryin' to be. That first night Ah was

Ah

The

fact that it slipped and fell five

didn't even mind that personal

However, things have now gone too far

Ah

cannot accept gifts from a man Ah

hardly know

it even though Ah don't speak Italian. This has got to stop, Mr. Cornell. Ah can do very well without you leavin' little chocolate-almond Hershey bars in mah mailbox--they melted yesterday, and now Ah got three gooey letters from home with nuts in 'em--and Ah can do without you sneakin' into mah room after Ah go to work and paintin' mah balcony without tellin' me about it. Ah stepped out there yesterday and mah slippers are still glued to the floor. And Ah can do without you tying big bottles of eau de cologne to mah cat's tail. The

poor thing kept swishin' it yesterday and nearly beat herself to death

can certainly do without you watchin' me get on the bus every day through that high-powered telescope. You got me so nervous the other day Ah got on the wrong bus. In short, Mr. Cornell, and Ah don't want to have to say this again, leave me ay-lone!

Especially

canned goods. And Ah read your little note. Ah can guess the gist of

And most of all, Ah

MALE COMEDIC MONOLOGUES 1. “Crabby” from You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown I'm sorry to have to say it to your face, Lucy, but it's true. You're a very crabby person. I know your crabbiness has probably become so natural to you now that you're not even aware when you're being crabby, but it's true just the same. You're a very crabby person and you're crabby to just about everyone you meet. Now I hope you don't mind my saying this, Lucy, and I hope you'll take it in the spirit that it's meant. I think we should be very open to any opportunity to learn more about ourselves. I think Socrates was very right when he said that one of the first rules for anyone in life is 'Know Thyself'. Well, I guess I've said about enough. I hope I haven't offended you or anything. (awkward exit)

2. “Lunchtime” from You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown

I think lunchtime is about the worst time of day for me. Always having to sit here alone. Of course, sometimes, mornings aren't so pleasant either. Waking up and wondering if anyone would really miss me if I never got out of bed. Then there's the night, too. Lying

there and thinking about all the stupid things I've done during the day. And all those hours in between when I do all those stupid things. Well, lunchtime is among the worst times of the day for me. Well, I guess I'd better see what I've got. Peanut butter. Some psychiatrists say

that people who eat peanut butter sandwiches are lonely

you're really lonely, the peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth. There's that cute

I

guess they're right. And when

little red-headed girl eating her lunch over there. I wonder what she would do if I went over

and asked her if I could sit and have lunch with her?

face

bench. There's no reason why I couldn't just go over and sit there. I could do that right now.

All I have to do is stand up

a coward, she wouldn't even think of looking at me. She hardly ever does look at me. In fact, I can't remember her ever looking at me. Why shouldn't she look at me? Is there any reason

in the world why she shouldn't look at me? Is she so great, and I'm so small, that she can't

spare one little moment? lunchbag over his head.)

red-headed girl is looking at me with this stupid bag over my head she must think I'm the

biggest fool alive. But, if she isn't looking at me, then maybe I could take it off quickly and

she'd never notice it. On the other hand

again, if I never take it off I'll never have to know if she was looking or not. On the other

hand

is among the worst times of the day for me. If that little

She'd

probably laugh right in my

it's

hard on a face when it gets laughed in. There's an empty place next to her on the

I'm

standing up!

I'm

sitting down. I'm a coward. I'm so much of

SHE'S

LOOKING AT ME!! SHE'S LOOKING AT ME!! (he puts his

Lunchtime

I

can't tell if she's looking, until I take it off! Then

it's

very hard to breathe in here. (he removes his lunchbag) Whew! She's not looking at

me! I wonder why she never looks at me? Oh well, another lunch hour over with to go.

only 2,863

3. “Faw-werk” from Foreigner

Don't tell me you've never seen a knife. Knife. That's a knife. Use it to cut things. Cut things. (Mimes) Like - ham. If we had some ham. Or bacon, or sump'm. I can't believe you

don't -. (Looks around for help. There is none.) Or butter. If we had some butter, you could use

it to spread it on - . You don't really need it. No, you don't need it. (Demonstrating.) Put it down. Bad Uh - . (Charlie now holds a spoon.) Yeah, now that's your spoon. Use that to put sugar in your coffee, if you had some sugar, here. And you had some coffee - shoot. I don't really know why we got all these things. But your fork - man, I wish somebody else'd help

you with this, 'cause I don't know anything, but - I think that your fork - your fork'd be the main thing you'd use. 'Cause you got your eggs, and you got your grits. Y'see? Eat 'em with a fork, just like we been doin'. Can - you - say - 'fork'? 'Faw-werk'? 'Faw-werk.'

Two parts. 'Faw-werk.'

Right. Put 'em together. 'Faw-werk'

.Good! That was great!'

4. “But What Would I Wear?” from How the Grinch Stole Christmas

The nerve of those Whos. Inviting me down there – on such short notice! Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn’t allow it! (Reading from a schedule book) 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, jazzercize; 6:30, dinner with me – I can’t cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing… I’m booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. … But what would I wear?!

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