THE NEW GIRL Jess Gives Birth To The Anti-Christ

By
Carey ODonnell & Eli Yudin

eyud29@gmail.com
CAREY.ODONNELL3@gmail.com

COLD OPEN - INT. APARTMENT - MORNING

The living room of the apartment is empty. Suddenly, a
SCREAM pierces the silence, waking up all the male
roommates. They go to the bathroom, JESS is inside.
NICK
Jess?
NICK knocks on the door.
NICK
Are you ok?
SCHMIDT
Is this your new signal to tell us
that youre pooping?
WINSTON shoots SCHMIDT a look. We hear an extremely long
groan from inside the bathroom.
WINSTON
Alright, Jess, were gonna come
in. Your privates are your
responsibility to keep
private. Im going to count down
from 5, and then we are coming in.
5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
WINSTON gingerly opens the door, peeks in.
fetal position next to the toilet.

JESS is in the

WINSTON
(to other two)
Shes just lying on the floor.
SCHMIDT
Lying? On the FLOOR? Of a
BATHROOM?! (dry heaving) JESS!
off the floor! I pee on that
sometimes!

Get

NICK looks at SCHMIDT.

SCHMIDT
EVERYONE MISSES, NICHOLAS.
WINSTON shrugs in agreement.
JESS (O.S.)
I would take Schmidts pee over
this.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

2.

NICK, WINSTON and SCHMIDT look at each other, grimace in

unison.
NICK
Jess, whats wrong?
JESS pushes a small object across the floor.
up and looks at it.

NICK picks it

NICK
(to SCHMIDT and WINSTON)
Jess is... pregnant?
MAIN TITLES
INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
JESS lies on her back on the floor. NICK and SCHMIDT sit on
the couch, WINSTON paces in the background.
JESS
What am I going to dooooooo...
NICK
First things first, Jess... whos
the father? I mean... Im not
trying to say youre not an active
sexual adult, but... youre like a
seahorse, Jess. A little asexual
seahorse, jetting around in the
water, playing in the kelp with
your giant bulging eyes.
JESS glares at NICK.
WINSTON
(panicking a little)
Hey, I dont know about you, but
Im kinda freaking out about a
having a baby in here. HAVE YOU
SEEN HOW SMALL THEIR HANDS ARE?
JESS
Remember when you guys all went to
that basketball game last month?
NICK
Yeah...

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

3.

JESS
Well, there was this homeless guy
down the street, and he didnt seem
that bad, and he looked really
hungry...
SCHMIDT
ALL HOMELESS PEOPLE LOOK HUNGRY,
JESS. ITS THEIR THING.
WINSTON
I feel like Im gonna walk in here,
breathe too hard, and snap that
babys little spinal cord!
JESS
Well, I made him dinner.
Realization starts to wash over NICK and SCHMIDT.
NICK
And then what, Jess.
JESS
I made Shirley Temples... and he
had some moonshine... We talked
about how the show Family Matters
broke a lot of cultural barriers in
the late 80s slash early 90s...
SCHMIDT
Wait, Jess... Did this homeless man
use OUR... MY silverware. MY fine
china... (in a whisper) MY SANDRA
LEE SIGNATURE COCKTAIL SET?
WINSTON
That babys gonna crawl into my
room and watch me while Im
sleeping. CAN BABIES WATCH?
NICK
BOTH OF YOU, SHUT UP. Jess, did
you sleep with a homeless man?
JESS buries her face in a pillow and groans again.
JESS
Maaaybe.
NICK
Oh my god.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

4.

SCHMIDT
Are you sure it was just a month
ago? Its just... youre looking a
little... plump.
JESS
(into pillow)
WHYYYYYYYYYY
NICK gets up.
NICK
(sarcastically)
I was going to spend my Sunday in
my underwear watching Die Hard 1
through With A Vengeance. But
sonograms are fun too. Perfect
relaxing start to the
weekend. Ill drive.
INT. CAR - MOMENTS LATER
NICK and SCHMIDT sit in the front. JESS sits in the back
with WINSTON, who is staring intensely at her stomach.
NICK
Schmidt, maybe you should have let
Jess sit in the front. She is
PREGNANT.
SCHMIDT
BARELY. And you know my legs seize
up when Im stressed.
WINSTON
I CAN SEE IT GROWING.
NICK
Dont be ridiculous, Winston.
EXT. HOSPITAL - LATER
They pull up, and the guys get out. When they let JESS out,
her stomach is clearly larger than before.
SCHMIDT
Winston, you might be right.
definitely seems larger than
before.

That

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

5.

JESS
Its just water weight.
SCHMIDT
And giant fetus weight.
NICK
SCHMIDT (sees her stomach) Oh wow,
Jess. That does look bigger.
JESS storms off.
INT. EXAMINATION ROOM - LATER
NICK stands next to JESS, laying on the exam table. DR.
CARNEGIE (woman, early 40s) walks in with her clipboard.
DR. CARNEGIE
Namaste.
NICK makes a disgusted face at the word.
DR. CARNEGIE
My name is Dr. Carnegie, but
please, call me Moonbeam.
DR. CARNEGIE places her hand on Jess noticeably larger
tummy.
DR. CARNEGIE
What a fruitful uterus! Lets do a
sonogram and see your ripe seed.
Another reaction shot of NICK, more confused/disgusting.
JESS
Actually, Dr. Moonbeam...
DR. CARNEGIE
Just Moonbeam.
JESS
About this ripe seed... I was
wondering... what the procedure is
for... unplanting?
DR. CARNEGIE
What?
NICK
What?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

6.

JESS
You know, like when you pick up
eggs at the store, and then, you,
like, drop one. And then you sort
of push it under the shelf. And
its gone.
DR. CARNEGIE
Youre going to have to be clearer.
JESS
You know... like...
JESS makes a series of strange, squashing hand-motions and
noises, followed by a shrug.
DR. CARNEGIE
Oh, an abortion? No, no no
no. Honey, that is strictly
first-trimester.
NICK
Doctor, she is in first
trimester. This babys a month
old.
DR. CARNEGIE
Oh, are you the father?
NICK
NO... no no no no no.
DR. CARNEGIE
Then who is the father?
NICK and JESS share a look.
NICK
I meant yes. Yes, I am the father.
DR. CARNEGIE
This baby looks about six months.
She gets the sonogram out and applies it to JESS.
grainy ultrasound of the fetus.

See a

DR. CARNEGIE
If you see that right there...
thats the heartbeat. Yup,
definitely at least 5 months along.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

7.
JESS
I dont understand.
DR. CARNEGIE
Gaia works in curious ways, dear.

Suddenly, the ultrasound screen flashes terrifyingly and

blows out.
DR. CARNEGIE
Strange. Anyway, were gonna need
to play catch-up on pre-natal
vitamins.
INT. WAITING ROOM - MEANWHILE
SCHMIDT and WINSTON sit in the waiting room.
WINSTON
Im not ready to be a father.
SCHMIDT
Think of this as a blessing,
Winston. This could be a shared
miracle.
WINSTON
Walking on water is a
miracle. Parting the sea is a
miracle. Angela Bassetts
performance in Waiting to Exhale is
a miracle. This is not a miracle.
SCHMIDT
Winston, this baby could be our
legacy.
WINSTON
(to himself)
Is the baby automatically homeless?
SCHMIDT
Think, Winston! Your athleticism,
my carefully refined aesthetic
sensibilities, Nicks... gonna be
around.
WINSTON
I am gonna be constantly asking
that thing if its dying. And it
WILL NOT BE ABLE TO RESPOND. The
classic catch-22 of babydom.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

8.

SCHMIDT
Finally, Ill have an excuse to
order from the J. Crew "Crewcuts"
kids collection.
WINSTON
Thats creepy.
SCHMIDT
No its not. It is very fine, very
small clothing. That is adorable,
Winston.
WINSTON
Thats still creepy.
SCHMIDT
A BABY IN A CABLE-KNIT SWEATER,
WINSTON. ADORABLE.
JESS and NICK enter.
NICK
Well, looks like its going to be
three men and a baby.
WINSTON
Does that mean one of us has to
grow a mustache and wear Tommy
Bahama shirts?
NICK
What?
WINSTON
Tom Selleck. From the movie.
NICK
What are you talking about?
SCHMIDT
Did you discuss... a... you know...
SCHMIDT makes a hook with one finger and pulls it out of the
other fist, making a popping sound with his mouth.
JESS
She said the baby is at almost
half-term.
WINSTON
Theres something wrong with that
baby. Its gonna come out with
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

9.
WINSTON (contd)
lobster claws and be able to read
minds.
NICK
Lets all stay calm. Jess, are you
sure this was just a month ago?
JESS
Im not out on the street, BOINKING
every homeless guy around! HEY
HOBOS, JESS BABY FACTORY IS OPEN
FOR BUSINESS! COME ON IN!

People in the waiting room react.

elderly moms ears.

A woman covers her

NICK
ITS A METAPHOR, EVERYBODY. Just
figurative language. Nobodys
boinking any homeless people.
SCHMIDT
I feel very vulnerable in this
waiting room. It smells like lamb
stew.
NICK
Lets go.
They exit the waiting room.
rolled past them.

A woman with a newborn baby is

WINSTON
Their army is building. (to baby)
Get your tiny hands away from me.
INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING
They all sit on the couch. JESS is on the phone.
SCHMIDT
(on phone)
Yeah, CeCe, Well have to push
dinner to eight... Right, Ill
meet you there.
SCHMIDT hangs up.
JESS
Mention this to her and I delete
all of your The Good Wife
recordings off the DVR.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

10.

SCHMIDT
YOU KNOW I LIKE TO REVIEW THEM FOR
CONTINUITY!
NICK
Youre not gonna tell her?
JESS
ARE YOU KIDDING? CeCe would never
let me live this down.
SCHMIDT
Uh, Jess? CeCe has sort of dealt
with this before? Remember when
she was pregnant?
JESS
SHE WASNT HOMELESS PREGNANT,
SCHMIDT. Wait, lets try
something. I saw this on a
Lifetime Original.
SCHMIDT
Is it "The Pregnancy Pact?"
NICK and WINSTON give him a look.
SCHMIDT
It was a gripping story. Not to
mention, it was Thora Birchs big
comeback. Her vlogs in it alone
are worth the price of
admission. Birch lovah 4 life.
SCHMIDT flashes a "Birch 4 Life" hand symbol of some sort.
JESS
Nick, stand up.
NICK shrugs and stands up.
JESS
I want you to punch me in the
stomach as hard as you canNICK SCHMIDT WINSTON
(in unison)
WHOOOOOOOAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa
JESS
I know this sounds... cuckoo.
I dont believe that doctor.

But

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

11.

NICK
Well, she was named
Moonbeam. Regardless, Im not
punching you in the stomach.
JESS
Were out of options, Nick. DO IT!
NICK
NO!
JESS
DO IT!
WINSTON
(louder)
DO IT!
SCHMIDT cowers, covering his eyes.
JESS WINSTON
(in unison)
DO IT! DO IT! DO IIIIIIIIT!
NICK
FINE! GEEEEEAAAAAAAAAA
NICK, with his eyes closed, winds up and punches JESS
directly in the tit.
JESS
WHAT THE HELL, NICK!
BOOB BABY!

ITS NOT A

SCHMIDT
(slightly turned on)
A boob baby... huh?
SCHMIDT nudges WINSTON. WINSTON punches him in the
arm. SCHMIDT slaps him. WINSTON stares at him.
WINSTON
Schmidt, you are the girliest
person in this room. And that
includes one person thats
CURRENTLY PREGNANT.
JESS
Do it again, Nick. And this time,
in the right one of my woman-parts.
NICK gathers himself and winds up.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

12.

NICK
BRAAAAAVEEEEHEAAAAAAART
NICK punches JESS square in the stomach.
crumples, clutching his hand.

He screams and

NICK
I think I broke my hand!
JESS lifts her shirt.
veins.

Her stomach is pulsing, with green

SCHMIDT
Uh, Jess? Why does your stomach
look like a rotting muffin having
an asthma attack?
WINSTON
Your stomach looks like Mike
Tysons head.
JESS is visibly pale, shocked, sweaty, sickly.
JESS
I think Im going to go to sleep.
JESS turns and walks out of the room in a trancelike state.
SCHMIDT
(trailing off, afraid)
Let us know if you need...
anything...
See, Nick!
BAD NEWS.

WINSTON
I knew that baby was

SCHMIDT
BAD NEWS BEARS.
Nick?

WINSTON
Nick?

NICK is passed out on the floor from shock, clutching his

hand.
WINSTON
Im going to take Nick to the
hospital now.
SCHMIDT
...Can you drop me at dinner?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

13.

WINSTON
SCHMIDT!
SCHMIDT
Am I supposed to cancel dinner
plans every time Nick punches
something hard and hurts his
hand? I WOULD NEVER EAT.
WINSTON thinks and nods in agreement.
dragging NICK.

They leave, WINSTON

INT. RESTAURANT - LATER

SCHMIDT enters and sits down across from CeCe.
SCHMIDT
Sorry Im late.
CECE
Its fine.
SCHMIDT
You may have to give me a ride
home.
CECE
Why?
SCHMIDT
Winstons taking Nick to the
hospital. I dont know how long
theyll be.
CECE
(alarmed)
Oh my god! What happened!
ok?

Is he

SCHMIDT
He just punched something again.
CECE
(alarm is gone.)
Oh. What is it with men and
punching inanimate objects.
SCHMIDT
Men are carnal creatures, CeCe. WE
ARE WARRIORS. PROUD WARRIORS. And
you want us to deny those
instincts? Would you ask a lion to
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

14.

SCHMIDT (contd)
pass up a savanna teeming with
game?
CECE stares at him for a second.
CECE
I was at the salon today, and they
want to know if youre going to use
the back entrance every time you
get a pedicure.
SCHMIDT
Can we not talk about TOES at the
dinner table?
CECE
Sorry, I forgot the PROUD WARRIORs
toe-phobia
SCHMIDT
Theyre like tiny chubby fingers, I
dont get it, sometimes theyre
webbed, I dont understand that
either...
CECE
Whatever. By the way, is something
up with Jess? She hasnt been
responding to any of my texts.
SCHMIDT
(uncomfortable)
She is... sick.
What?

CECE
What does she have?

SCHMIDT
She has... whooping cough.
going around her school.

Its

CECE
What? Since when did Jess become a
chimneysweep?
SCHMIDT
Its no laughing matter. Whooping
cough is becoming an epidemic
because of anti-vaccination
beliefs. Think of the coughing
babies, Cece.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

15.

CECE
(skeptical)
Well, Ill come in and check on her
when I drop you off.
SCHMIDT
No no no, she specifically said,
and I quote, "It would KILL ME to
know I got my best friend whooping
her brains out."
CECE stares at SCHMIDT.
CECE
Are you sick?
SCHMIDT
No, I had it when I was younger,
Im immune.
CECE
Ok... As long as youre healthy
enough to buy a TV with my
grandmother tomorrow. You remember
that, right?
SCHMIDT
Of course, Im leaving work at
lunch. I love how clean and
sterile commercial electronic
stores are. Spotless.
CECE
Good, because we cant move that
thing in by ourselves. Also,
thats really weird.
The waiter arrives.
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
The bell rings. We see JESS, wearing a oversized cartoon
bear suit, minus the head, to cover up her belly. She looks
even sicker.
JESS
OK class, were going to do some
drawing. Ill put on some music,
and you guys just draw the first
thing that comes into your head.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

16.

CHILD
Ms. Day, why are you wearing a bear
suit?
JESS
Because it is... Bear Day today,
in... the Ukraine. And we need to
be mindful of other cultures. Ill
play some of their cultural music,
and you guys get to drawing.
JESS puts on Ukrainian folk music, slumps into her chair,
covered in sweat, gripping her stomach.
INT. LIVING ROOM - MEANWHILE
WINSTON and NICK sit on the couch. NICKs hand is in a
cast. We hear the movie "Die Hard" on the TV.
WINSTON
How does John McClane not realize
thats Hans Gruber? His accent is
horrible.
NICK
(imitating Gruber)
I am super-american, Mr. McClane.
WINSTON
(also doing Gruber)
Where around here could I find a
slice of bald-eagle pie, Mr. John
McClaneeeeee?
NICK
Should we be more worried about
Jess?
WINSTON
Did she even go to work today?
NICK
Im not sure.
NICK and WINSTON go to JESSs room, knock, no answer. They
look in, the walls and ceilings are covered in flies and
maggots. The bed is upside down on the ceiling.
NICK
I guess shes at work.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

17.

WINSTON
We should probably check on her.
INT. CLASSROOM - MOMENTS LATER
JESS struggles to get up.
JESS
(weakly)
Hows everyone doing?
She walks slowly over to the first student.
JESS
What are you drawing?
RACHEL
Its your baby, Ms. Day!
Whaaaaaat?

JESS
I dont have a baby.

She looks down. The drawing is of a small baby sitting on

an ornate throne atop a mountain of corpses, with occult
symbols on a red background.
JESS
Oh... thats really good, Rachel.
She walks to the next child.
JESS
Kenneth, whats this?
Kenneths head snaps up to her, his eyes are all black.
speaks in an inhumanly deep voice.

He

KENNETH
YOUR RECKONING
JESS
WHAT?
His head returns to normal.
KENNETH
A duck!
He shows JESS a drawing of a dog.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

18.

JESS
Great, Kenneth.
PAUL GENZLINGER knocks and enters.
PAUL
Jess... do you have the AV cartWhoa. You dont look so good. Why
are you wearing a bear suit? Isnt
that hot?
CLASS
(in unison)
ITS BEAR DAY IN THE (they all try
to say Ukraine)
PAUL
I guess... I didnt get that
memo...
JESS suddenly screams in pain, falls to the floor.
EXT. SCHOOL - MEANWHILE
NICK and WINSTON arrive, meet SCHMIDT at the door.
SCHMIDT
Whats the emergency? I need to
meet Cece in 15 minutes.
NICK
We need to check on Jess.
SCHMIDT
Whats going on?
INT. CLASSROOM - MEANWHILE
JESS!

PAUL
WHATS GOING ON?

JESS
I THINK IM GOING INTO LABOR
PAUL
(shocked/hurt)
... youre.... pregnant?
JESS lets out another scream, snapping him to reality.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

19.

PAUL
Im gonna get the nurse, Jess,
well call 911. WELL GET THROUGH
THIS TOGETHER!
KENNETH has returned to his demonic state.
KENNETH
YOU WILL GO NOWHERE, MR. PAUL
DENZLINGER
CUT TO: Full class is sitting identically, all have black
eyes, pale skin. Teeth are pointed. Close up on one girl
who roars menacingly.
PAUL
Whaaaa...
EXT. CLASSROOM - MEANWHILE
SCHMIDT, NICK, and WINSTON arrive outside the classroom.
SCHMIDT
So whats the deal?
boils?

Are those

WINSTON has boils on his face & arms.

NICK
We saw... some pretty unsettling
things in the apartment today.
MONTAGE OF OCCULT ACTIVITY IN THE APARTMENT.
-NICK turns on the faucet and fills up a glass
off-screen. He lifts the cup and takes a sip, and spits it
out on Winstons face. The water has turned to blood.
-WINSTON and NICK turn on the television. The image is of
the two of them, mounted on spikes in Hell, eyes pecked by
crows, shrieking in pain.
-WINSTON opens the freezer, and frogs leap out, landing all
over his body. He freaks out.
-NICK is brushing his teeth when he starts gagging. His
mouth fills and he reaches in to retrieve a pigs hoof,
starts dry-heaving.
-NICK walks out of the bathroom holding the pigs hoof, to
see WINSTON, with boils all over his face/arms.

20.

CUT BACK TO EXT. CLASSROOM

SCHMIDT is shocked and disgusted.
classroom window.

WINSTON looks in the

WINSTON
Why is Jess wearing a bear suit?
SCHMIDT
Well, it is Bear Day in the
Ukraine.
They all look into the window.
on the ground.

The kids are on top of PAUL,

SCHMIDT
Awww, theyre playing.
A small blonde girl walks over to PAULs head and twists it
180 degrees, snapping his neck. WINSTON starts to shriek
but NICK slaps his hand over his mouth, they drop to the
floor.
SCHMIDT
THOSE ARE NOT CHILDREN.
NOT PLAYING.

THAT IS

NICK
Schmidt, Winston and Ive been
doing some research, and all the
signs point to one thing.
WINSTON continues to scream into NICKs hand.
NICK
Jess might be pregnant... with the
Antichrist.
SCHMIDT
IM JEWISH, NICHOLAS. I did not
need to get involved with this.
JESS shrieks, then a babys cry. They look through the
window. KENNETH walks over, rips the bear-suit, and pulls
out the bloody baby, holds it up. Children rejoice.
KENNETH
OUR PRINCE NEEDS OUR
STRENGTH. FEAST ON THE FLESH OF
THE NEWLY DEAD.
CUT TO: The guys slumping against the door outside.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

21.

NICK
We have to get Jess out of there.
WINSTON
I am NOT an owl. I prefer my head
to face forward and occasionally
sideways, and THATS IT.
SCHMIDTs phone rings.

Its CECE.

SCHMIDT
Hello?
CUT TO: CECE in the car with her GRANDMOTHER.
cuts throughout phone conversation.

Back & forth

CECE
Im on my way to your office.
CECES GRANDMA
(loudly, as the elderly do
with technology they dont
understand)
HELLO SCHMIDT!
SCHMIDT
Hi Grandma! Aaaaaaaahhhhh,
something actually came up last
minute, I have a meeting. Super
important, super mandatory.
CECE
Youve gotta be kidding
me. Schmidt, we planned this last
week.
CECE
(angry whisper)
My grandma made you those samosas
you like, she even went light on
the oil because she knows youre
worried about your skin.
SCHMIDT
(to himself)
God, I love those samosas.
SCHMIDT
Im so sorry, Cece, I cant.
a total emergency.

Its

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

22.

CECE
Whats the emergency?
SCHMIDT
Uh, I dont know yet... thats what
the meetings about.
CECE
Schmidt, I dont need this right
now. Im already having the day
from hell.
SCHMIDT
I know what you mean.
Offscreen you hear a blood-curdling cry.
CECE
What was that?
SCHMIDT
Um, its a powerpoint
presentation. I agree, weird sound
effect to have between slides. I
have to go.
CECE
(upset, disbelieving)
Whatever, Schmidt.
CECE hangs up.

Schmidt looks at the phone, sighs.

CUT TO: NICK glances through the window.

NICK
Alright, theyre distracted while
theyre eating Paul.
SCHMIDT WINSTON
(in unison)
UGggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh
NICK
Cmon, this is our chance.
They sneak in, crawl over, and drag JESS out of the room.

23.

INT. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

Theyre dragging JESS down the hallway.
SCHMIDT
What is everyone else in this
school doing?
SCHMIDT breaks off and looks into a classroom. Everyone
inside is motionless, frozen from paranormal influence.
SCHMIDT
Theyre all just frozen, like some
sort of K through 6 terracotta
army.
They drag JESS into a storage closet.
INT. STORAGE CLOSET - MOMENTS LATER
They prop JESS up against the wall.
WINSTON
Nick, slap her.
NICK displays his cast. WINSTON gingerly taps her a few
times. Out of nowhere, SCHMIDT slaps her solidly across the
face.
JESS
BLEEEEEEEUEUGHGHHHHHHH
They all recoil.
JESS
(in regular voice)
Where are we? Whats happening?
NICK
Jess, Im not trying to freak you
out, but were about 99% sure
youve just given birth to the
anti-christ.
JESS
Oh, Jesus.
WINSTON
NOT EVEN CLOSE.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

24.
NICK
We were able to get you out while
your students, who have been
possessed, were eating Pauls
corpse.
JESS
Theyre eating Paul?!
SCHMIDT
Well, at least that puts an end to
your guys dating tug o war.

NICK and WINSTON shrug in agreement.

from the classroom.

We hear loud screaming

NICK
Theyre coming for you, Jess.
SCHMIDT
Why are they coming for her?
already gave birth, right?

She

WINSTON
Based on our research, as the
mother, Jess is the only one who
can kill the child.
SCHMIDT
As a Jew, I have to say, your
religion is extremely stressful.
NICK
We need to distract them so Jess
can get to the classroom.
SCHMIDT
How are we going to distract
them? The only thing they care
about is Jess.
WINSTON and NICK look at SCHMIDT, at JESS, back at
SCHMIDT. Close-up of SCHMIDTs face.
CUT TO: SCHMIDT, sitting in the bear suit.
from CECE. Its an angry emoticon. ">:("

He gets a text

SCHMIDT
I could have been eating lightly
oiled Samosas.
We see JESS cutting off her hair with safety scissors, while
WINSTON glues the hair to Schmidts head. NICK applying
makeup to SCHMIDT.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

25.

WINSTON
Maybe more rouge?
JESS
I do not wear this much makeup.
INT. CECES CAR - MEANWHILE
CECE is driving by the school. She looks and sees both NICK
and SCHMIDTs cars parked outside.
CECE
(pissed)
PIT STOP, GRANDMA.
GRANDMA
OK!
CECE screeches into a parking space.
CECE
Wait here, I will be RIGHT back.
CECE gets out, slams the door. She walks to the entrance,
where a MURDER OF CROWS perches above the door. To her
left, a BUZZARD eyes her. She mouths, "What?"
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
CECE walks down the hallway, creeped out.
flicker.

The lights

CECE
HELLO?
She looks at the faculty pictures on the wall.
are twisted and deformed in nightmarish ways.

The faces

CECE
(to herself)
Who is this photographer?
Suddenly, she hears a high womanly scream, followed by a
stampede of footsteps.
CECE
Schmidt?

26.

INT. CLASSROOM - MOMENTS EARLIER

The desks have been piled together. On top sits the newly
born anti-christ, on a throne made of popsicle
sticks. KENNETH stands on JESSs desk.
KENNETH
WE MUST FIND THE MOTHER. ONLY WHEN
SHE PERISHES, WILL OUR LORD RECEIVE
THE POWER OF THE BLACK LIGHT.
Through the classroom window, we see SCHMIDT, in
Jess-costume, run by.
KENNETH
THE BEAR-MOTHER! SWARM HER AS THE
LOCUST!
The children, now blood-soaked, pour out of the
classroom. SCHMIDT emits the scream from before. KENNETH
stays, tending to the anti-christ, feeding it a juice-box.
INT. STORAGE CLOSET - MOMENTS LATER
NICK with his ear against the door.
NICK
I think thats our cue.
They sneak out of the closet, JESS now wearing Schmidts
clothesw with chopped hair.
JESS
This cardigan is really
comfortable.
WINSTON
DO NOT TELL SCHMIDT.
hear the end of it.

I will never

NICK looks through the window.

NICK
I think were clear.
INT. CLASSROOM - MOMENTS LATER
They enter the classroom.
ceiling onto NICKs head.

Suddenly, KENNETH drops from the

NICK starts screaming/struggling.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

27.

WINSTON
NICK!
Winston charges at KENNETH with a chair.
blood into his eyes.

KENNETH vomits

WINSTON
NOT AGAIN!
KENNETH
YOU CAN DO NOTHING TO STOP US. I
AM FOREVER. YOU ARE FRAIL! A MERECECE, out of nowhere, clocks KENNETH with the fire
extinguisher, knocking him to the ground, his head partially
separated from his body.
JESS
THAT DUCK PICTURE WAS STUPID!
WAS A DOG!

IT

WINSTON runs and punts KENNETH through the window.

embraces CECE.

JESS

INT. CECES CAR - MEANWHILE

CECEs GRANDMA sits in the car. The opening riff of "The
Sign" by Ace of Base is playing. It plays for ~5-7 secs as
she bobs along.
INT. CLASSROOM - MEANWHILE
CECE
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
NICK
Think Rosemarys Baby directed by
Eli Roth.
CECE sees the ANTI-CHRIST on its throne.
CECE
Are you saying...
WINSTON
(pointing)
THAT BABY IS SATAN REBORN. AND
JUST SO EVERYONE KNOWS, I CALLED
THIS FROM THE BEGINNING.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

28.
CECE
WHY DIDNT ANYONE TELL
ME!? JESS! You were pregnant!?

JESS shrugs and starts nervously tap-dancing.

NICK
(dripping sarcasm)
SORRY WE FORGOT TO TEXT YOU, CECE!
Beat.
Wait.

CECE
WHERE IS SCHMIDT?

NICK and WINSTON look at each other.

EXT. HALLWAY - MEANWHILE
SCHMIDT is running, he turns into a dead end. He turns
around and sees the children slowly advancing on him.
INT. CLASSROOM - MEANWHILE
JESS stands before the throne.
NICK
JESS! You have to kill it, before
they catch Schmidt and figure out
its not you!
CECE
You used Schmidt as BAIT!?
WINSTON
WE WERE UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE!
JESS
I cant hurt it!
BABY!

Its still MY

CECE
BITCH, PLEASE!
CECE punches the baby in the face, its face caves in, and
then pops back out. An unseen force flings CECE against the
wall.
CECE
(dazed/disheveled)
OW! WHAT WAS THAT!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

29.

WINSTON
ONLY ITS MOTHER CAN DESTROY IT!
INT. CECES CAR - MEANWHILE
Now were in the full swing of "The Sign." GRANDMAS arms
are above her head, shes into it. She sings the words she
knows, and hums for the words she doesnt.
INT. CLASSROOM - MEANWHILE
NICK
DO IT JESS!
The baby sprouts a bow with a little sprout of hair. Its
black eyes fade into regular eyes, and its cheeks become
rosy. It grows a single tooth. Looks up at Jess.
JESS
ITS GETTING CUTER
NICK
ITS JUST GOING TO GET CUTER AND
CUTER! KILL IT!
JESS looks down and sees the mangled, half-eaten corpse of
PAUL. She winds up and the baby immediately goes super
demonic, pointed teeth, red eyes, everything.
JESS
YOU RUINED MY VAGINA!
JESS swings, and makes contact. The baby explodes, lots of
blood. JESS, NICK and WINSTON are thrown back.
BLACKOUT
INT. BATHROOM - THE PREVIOUS MORNING.
JESS is holding a pregnancy test. The result fades in
negative. She looks relieved. She buries it deep in the
bathroom trash.

30.
INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
NICK and WINSTON sit at the table, eating breakfast.
enters.

JESS

NICK
Hey, Jess, is that one of your
students drawings on the fridge?
JESS
(confused)
What?
JESS walks to the fridge. On it, is a drawing of a dog,
labeled, "DUCK - BY KENNETH." A red handprint is on it...
blood or fingerpaint? WE KNOW IT IS BLOOD.
JESS
Yeah, I guess so.
WINSTON
Its a dog, not a duck.
is dumb.

That kid

SCHMIDT enters, holding a ripped, bloody cardigan.

SCHMIDT
YOU GUYS CANNOT BORROW MY
CLOTHES! This is the final
warning.
NICK
No one borrows your clothes,
Schmidt.
WINSTON
Unless Im going to a wine tasting
at J. Crew.
SCHMIDT
J. CREW? PLEASE, WINSTON. Maybe
try the opening of the new Black
Fleece collection at Brooks
Brothers.
SCHMIDT throws the cardigan in the trash.
WINSTON
What you wanna do today?
NICK
Well, theres a marathon of the
first three Die Hards on.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

31.

SCHMIDT
(as Hans Gruber)
Shall we move to the couch, Mr.
Cowboy?
END CREDITS
TAG - EXT. CITY
The whole crew gleefully walk down the street with gelatos
in hand, laughing. SUPER corny. Suddenly, JESS sees a
homeless man. They lock eyes.
CLOSE UP of JESSs face, wide-eyed (even more than regular
Zooey Deschanel)
CLOSE UP of HOBOs face
CLOSE UP of JESSs face
CLOSE UP of HOBOs face, now with pointed bloody teeth
CLOSE UP of JESSs face
CLOSE UP of HOBOs face, fully demonic. Blood pours from
empty eye sockets. Hes laughing maniacally, rows of long
jagged teeth, a long tongue slithering, occult symbols
tattooed on his forehead, rams horns.
JESS shrugs.
laughs.
END

SCHMIDTs gelato falls to the ground, everyone