JASON

Awesome. It's 10:02.

MADDIE
Yeah, so?
JASON
We're late. What if they already called our number?
MADDIE
I honestly doubt they did... especially since your number is 132 and the screen says 116.
JASON
And I honestly doubt they go up in order.
M:
Cmon! Were not dealing with the Mounties here. Say what you will about the american
education system, but we have figured out the order of numbers.
J
We wouldn't even be this late if it wasnt for you. I wasn't the one who got stopped by the
security downstairs because I had a pair of underwear in my purse...
MADDIE
Well, who took them off
JASON
Okay. You have all the forms with you?
M:
Yes. I already finished all the stuff about me so now its just your info.
J:
Great, Ill fill it out faster *reaches for forms*
M:
No! What if they ask me questions like this in the interview that I dont know and I freeze?
J:
Maddie!
M:
What? I seriously doubt the eighty-year-old who's marrying an obvious Russian hooker is going
to rat us out to Immigration.

J:
Jesus christ!
M:
I have to review. Ok now, Other Information About Your Alien Fiance.
J:
Whats so funny?
M:
I just always thought calling foreigners aliens was a bit odd.
J:
What?
M:
Well, when most people use Alien they think BLEH! *mimes Alien scene where Alien comes out
of chest* not...never mind. Ok. City/Town/Village of Birth.
J:
Vancouver.
M:
Country?
J:
Really?
M:
Ok smartass. Birthday?
J:
The same one Ive had for the past 4 years.
M:
Thats too long for the form.
J:
Christ Maddie, you know my birthday!
M:
Because of Facebook!
J:

Well I know your birthday.

M:
Really?
J:
March 3rd, 1993 Seattle WA 4:15AM.
M:
How do you know that?
J:
Because every birthday you get really drunk, call me at 4:15 in the morning, and sing Happy
Birthday to yourself.
MADDIE
I've never done that.
JASON
Yes you have.
MADDIE
Even if I did one year, you don't talk about it. You don't bring up what happens when people are
drunk.
JASON
That's what best friends are for.
MADDIE
Apparently that's not all what best friends are for.
JASON
What are you talking about?
MADDIE
Last night. We need to address it at some point.
JASON
Well now is not the time. Didn't you just say that you don't bring up things that happen when
people are drunk?

M:

You know what, youre right, youll fill this out faster. I dont think I need to review anymore.
*takes paper*
J:
Wait...why did you put Student under yearly salary?
M:
It seemed more optimistic than unemployed.
J:
Ok yeah, but Im a student, you cant fill out that youre a student on a student salary, theyre not
going to let two students marry, theyre going to say its the wrong visa, then Im going to end up
deported, youre going to end up in jail, and its gonna be great.
M:
I didnt know we have to have more than one lie on this form, I dunno if I can do that.
J:
Would you shut up?

M:
No, Im sorry, my heads just buzzing and I need a little time to process everything.
J:
But that doesnt change anything, nothing changes, our story stays the same
So we started dating after that, applied for our K-1 Visa six months ago and now
M:
We slept together.
J:
Fuck! Ok. Not the part I was thinking about

M:
Wow, If you have that reaction when I say we slept together...you know they might talk about
that in the meeting right?
J:
Ok cut the shit for the second, we are friends, friends do this all the time. There are friends with
benefits, there are fuck buddies, there are friends who have a few too many glasses of wine and
wind...

M:
Friends who get married...
J:
JASON
Can't we just forget about it? I don't want to lose you as a friend, not after four years.
M:
Ok
J:
What, whatd I say
M:
Nothing, you're just being awfully alright with this
J:
What am I supposed to say? Look, cmon weve had this planned out for months ok were going
to get divorced in 6 months, youll get paid..
M:
Why is this...I dont...ok fine...I feel like Ive screwed everything up.
J:
I wouldnt screwed up, it may have made things a bit more difficult now
M:
Yeah, and youre still being really calm about it.
J:
Im trying to be calm, but on the inside no, Im not calm, if this doesnt work out Im going to have
to go back to Vancouver and become some kind of homosexual hobo.
M:
What?
J:
No, its just its what everybody stereotypes people from Vancouver as.
M:
Nobody here will get that reference, dont make it.
J:

My point is I cant go back. Its not gonna happen Listen, theres a little pot of gold waiting for you
at the end of this rainbow too ok? As soon I get that full time job with that software company.
Remember theres a financial benefit for you too I get an immediate 25,000 dollars
M:
I didnt say say I was backing out. Do you really think I did this for the money?
J:
Uhh, yeah, were also friends I guess that helps
M:
Yeah, I did this because for reasons beyond my understanding right now, I care about you.
I know this job means the world to you, and I dont want to live here without you so Im not
backing out.
J:
Then stop trying to make this an emotional thing!
M:
So whyd you kiss me first?
J:
What?
M:
You kissed me first. We were sitting on your futon, talking shit about Coldplay, and out of
nowhere you kissed me.
J:
Ok, I kissed you. You didnt have to kiss me back.
M:
I was drunk and lonely, you couldve been a camel and I wouldve kissed you back.
J:
Wow. Thanks.
M:
Im just saying we were so out of it, I could have been a camel too, we both couldve been
camels!
J:
We both couldve been camels.

M:
Ok, the more I say it, the less the metaphor holds up, but Im trying to say...it was a mistake, but
Im still here, you still mean the world to me, and Im still going to to do this.
J:
So, were ok?
M:
Yeah.
J:
That seemed like one of yeahs that doesnt really mean yeah.
M:
Jason, justIm not like you I guess. Youve been my friend for years and now its all weird and
complicated.
J:
But you just said
M:
Camels! I know. My head hurts. I need a minute. *Gets up and walks a bit*
J:
Im sorry
M:
'Sorry'? You're 'sorry'?
J:
Haha. Funny Very Funny
M:
You better change that. We don't accept Americans who talk like that.
JASON
Well then you better help me out. They're gonna ask us where and when we first met.
M
I remember... freshman year, psychology 101.
J
And do you remember when you first talked to me?
M

Yeah, you were being a doofus who bit into his own pen. I was apparently the only one in the
room with enough decency to tell you about the weird blue birthmark that suddenly appeared on
your cheek.
J
Yeah, thanks for that. Mr. Octopus over here...
M
And no-one said anything! They just let you sit there in the front row. You were so oblivious.
J
Thanks though. For that... back
M
You're very welcome. You can count on me... I'll always tell you when you have something on
your face.
J
Great... You know, you never said anything to me the rest of that semester, not until we met
again in that religion class next semester.
M
I didn't want to be associated with you after that incident. You were kind of "tainted". Literally.
J
Your loss.
M
Hey, we made up for lost time.
J
I guess. After three blown off coffee 'dates' you finally came bowling with me and Pete.
M
To be fair, I had legitimate conflicts.
J
'Conflicts'. Nice excuse. Like always.
M
What's that supposed to mean?
J
I tried, Maddie. Four years ago.

M
What the fuck are you talking
J
Can you please keep it down? They won't believe we're actually getting married.
M
Couples fight, Jason.
J
We have to act our absolute best.
M
Oh, I will. I can fake a lot.
J
OOooo. Nice one. Nice. You knew how I felt about you four years ago in that class.
M
What, embarrassed? Grateful?
J
When I first saw you.
M
Can you just stop this and say something real for once? Youre confusing my hangover.
J
Look, there are software companies north of the border. Tons of them. As a recent graduate
with a B. Sci. in Computer Science, I could get scooped up by any of them. As far as I know,
no person in history has ever asked their best friend of almost four years to get married to them
so they can get their green card and live together for six months before getting a divorce. What
kind of friend would take her out to Starbucks at least once a week, called her every evening to
ask her how her day was, knows pretty much everything about her...
M
If you're trying to say something heartfelt, it's not working...
J
It's the only way I know how.
M
You never even tried. Did you ever think of asking me?

J
You don't just 'ask' about those kind of things! You just don't.
M
YES! Yes you do! You had so many opportunities to tell me you wanted to be more than just
friends. So many. You didn't have the balls to ask me out, so instead, you ask me to marry you?
J
Well... I mean, yeah.
M
You're an idiot.
J
Psychology 101. Interpersonal attraction. The more time you spend around someone, you start
to develop feelings for them.
M
More like Stockholm syndrome. Was that your plan? We get married and then eventually I fall in
love with you. You had four years to ask me out!
J:
Because you friend-zoned me
M:
It doesnt count as the fucking friend zone if you dont ever try.
J:
Im trying now!
M:
God! I cant do this. Fine, you caught me, I love you too, but this is insane... You're insane. And
I can't love insane. You fall in love with me, never ask me out, and And then act like Mr.Cool
jackass after we sleep together? I need someone who's there for me me. Who doesnt make me
want to kiss,strangle, and scream at them at the same time.
J:
I was worried that...
M:
News flash were all fucking worried! Im terrified of everything! But when you really care about
someone, you dont give a shit how scared you are.

J:
Im not scared anymore!
M:
Too late. I cant do this. Judging by those new guards I think someone called security, so Im
leaving before I get shipped Gitmo.
J:
Hey! Wait! Fine bitch you dont want to be together, Ill fucking live. But Im not getting deported
because of this! At the end of the day, we had a deal.
M:
First lesson of America baby, always get it in writing. Second, fuck you and the moose you rode
in on.
Maddie Exits