Relevant Ministries for the Kids Outside the Walls of

Your Church
By Linda Ranson Jacobs
http://blog.dc4k.org
www.dc4k.org
Description: It is true there are children in our communities that are
experiencing the consequences of co-habiting, divorce, two mommies
or two daddies and they are being left out of the church family. Learn
about the different types of families we have in our world today and
how to accept and minister to them. Obtain effective tips for assisting
these stressed out children in your ministries.
Introduction
In our world today we have a huge a variety of families with the
majority of kids coming to us from some type of fractured family life.
These children come to church in a state of brokenness.
What do the families look like in your church?
What about the families in your community? What do they look like?
Brainstorm: Think of all the traumatic events a child in your
community might experience.

They live in homes with

1. Grandparents
2. Single grandparent
3. Dysfunction in the family unit
4. Single mom
5. Single dad
6. Two mommies
7. Two daddies
8. A child born from artificial insemination (have different kind of
worries) (Elizabeth Marquardts materials on My dads name is
donor)
9. Foster care
10. An aunt, uncle or other family (Known as kinship care)
11. Older siblings
12. A parent with mental health issues
13. A parent with addictive behaviors (alcohol, drugs, gambling,
etc.)
14. Stepparent and stepsiblings
15. Physical abuse
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16.
17.
18.

Sexual molestation / sexual exposure

A parent that is deployed
A parent who has returned from the war with PTSD

Pew Research recently released stats for current state of

American Family
Less than half of kids under 18 are living in a home with two
married heterosexual parents in their first marriage compared to
73% in 1960 and 61% in 1980.
Nationally 35% of children are living in a single parent household
some never married. More and more parents are cohabiting and not
bothering to marry
15% of children are living with two parents who are in a blended /
stepfamily.
5% of children are not living with either parent and in most cases
are living with a grandparent.
Dale Hudson with Relevant Childrens Ministry says, Ministering to
todays
family is no longer cookie-cutter, one-size-fits-all ministry. If you are
reaching
your community, you are going to have a very diverse group of
families. You will
not only have kids who come from a traditional family, but you will
also have kids
whose parents are cohabiting, kids from blended families, kids from
single parent
homes, kids from same-sex households and kids living with their
grandparents.
What doesnt work for these kids?
Three strikes and your out discipline policies
Using stickers and rewards (Celebrate their accomplishments)
Calling their overwhelmed stressed out parent for help in
disciplining them
Putting the kids in large groups where they dont get enough
attention
Sugar coating the truths of Gods Word.
Giving them platitudes, Oh you are going to be okay. God loves
you! Pray about it.
Where the effects of trauma comes from

Child abuse: physical, sexual, emotional

Violence: domestic, school-based, community-based
Traumatic loss: serious illness, death
Disruption in placement, living arrangements
Accidents: plane crashes, car accidents, athletic injuries, falls
Natural disasters: earthquakes, floods, storms, fires
War
Terrorism
Medical trauma: effects of repetitive, invasive medical treatments

3 Levels of Stress
1. Positive: Brief increases in heart rate, mild elevations in stress
hormone levels
2. Tolerable: Serious, temporary stress responses, buffered by
supportive relationships
3. Toxic: Prolonger activation of stress response systems in the
absence of protective relationships
What stress does to children
Stress is the bodys way of reacting to challenging or frightening
events.
Stressors affect children physically, emotionally, mentally and
spiritually.
Stress can affect a childs health and or behavior.
Stress interrupts the sleep process. How you can tell if a child is
sleep deprived.
Listen to conversations
Yawn or are lethargic
Frenzied activity
Dark circles under eyes
Cant focus
Stress scrambles the learning circuits in a childs brain
Affects health/ behavior
Chronic stress affects brains
Affects learning ability
Produces anger / sadness
Health run temps within 24 hours of being told trauma
Ear infections / cold
Be careful you dont experience compassion fatigue
Compassion fatigue is a term used to describe emotions and
behavior that people may show after hearing firsthand about the
traumatic experiences of others.
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What stress does to the body and brain

Response to a perceived threat is for the body to channel resources
for strength
and speed.
The stress response is known as the fight or flight response in the
brain.
Brain dulls sense of pain.
Brain thinks safety.
Blood vessels open wider to allow more blood flow to large muscle
groups.
Lungs take in more oxygen.
Digestion halts allowing the body to dedicate energy to the muscles.
Chronic stress can affect a childs behavior and learning.
1. Chronic stress releases cortisol in the brain.
2. Over time cortisol can kill brain cells.
3. Increases depression, anger and fatigue.
Stress management
What happens in the brain when under stress
Stress is the bodys way of saying were out of balance, not Gods
design for our lives.
Amygdala shuts down the entire brain when there is a threat or
terribly stressful event.
When you are under a lot of stress the amygdala becomes hypervigilant making even harmless things seem like a threat crying
child; snoring spouse; hitting every red stoplight.
Stress scrambles the brain and even adults cant learn, rationalize,
etc.
The immediate response to a perceived threat is for the body to
channel resources for strength and speed.
1. The brain dulls the bodys sense of pain.
2. The brains responsibility is for safety.
3. The heart rate speeds up
4. The pulse begins to race and this sends extra blood to the
muscles and organs.
5. Blood vessels open wider to allow more blood flow to large
muscles groups.

Other body parts affected are

1. Eyes- pupils dilate for better vision
2. Lungs take in more oxygen
3. Liver sugar stored as glycogen is converted to glucose to
increase energy level

4. Heart bloodstream brings extra oxygen and glucose-fuel- for

power. Heart rate and blood pressure rise.
5. Adrenal glands secrets fight-or-flight hormone epinephrine
(adrenaline)
6. Intestines digestion halts, allowing the body to dedicate energy
to the muscles
7. Sweat is produced to keep the body cool.
However, under certain condition the brains plasticity takes over and
new neural networks can be formed.
Brain stem all about safety. Am I safe. Describe what the body is
doing.
Limbic system all about feelings. Am I loved. Add empathy.
Cortex or upper levels of the brain click in. What can I contribute?
What can I learn.
More brain tips
Mirror Neurons and how they can affect your group
Mirror neurons in your brain activates the neurons in another
persons brain
People catch mirror neurons like one catches a cold
Your facial expression and body posture make a difference
Ways to help stressed children
Music harmonies can rewire the brain creating connections
between different regions.
Movement get stressed kids moving the spine and cross lateral
and midline activities will be demonstrated also.
Transitions plan for transitions such as entering the room.
Breathing from the diaphragm
Other stress reducers
1. Dont rush stressed kids.
2. Provide copious amounts of water. Stress dehydrates us and
dehydrated brains cant think.
3. No surprises keep a consistent and posted schedule in view at
all times.
4. Tell the children what you want them to do, not what you dont
want them to do.
5. Create church family where kids connect with each other and
with you.
Stress is painful. Stress hurts. Kids complain of bodily pains.
Managing your stress
Take responsibility for your stress. Put a name to your stressors.

Talk to someone you trust. Talking helps you feel more in control
and less alone. Sometimes it is a reality check.
Set personal boundaries. Say no when necessary.
Do a debriefing after a session.
Share your feelings honestly with other leaders but do so in
confidence.
Take care of yourself
Eat nutritiously
Drink a lot of water
Get plenty of rest/sleep
Cut back on caffeine
Exercise yoga, running, walking
Practice breathing from the diaphragm daily
Research bears out that a smile makes a difference
1. When you take time to smile the feel good chemicals such as
dopamine, endorphins and serotonin fire off in the brain.
2. Smiling lifts your mood.
3. The serotonin that is released in a smile helps stave off
depression.
4. When you smile, people react to you differently. They tend to
treat you nicer.
5. Some researchers say that seeing someone smiling activates the
reward system in your brain. In other words when someone
smiles at you, you feel rewarded.
6. Smiling is contagious.
7. Smiling helps deepen relationships.
8. Smiling makes you attractive.
9. The world seems like a better place when you smile.

Job 29:24 I smiled on them when they had no confidence; and the
light of my countenance they did not cast down. (NIV)
Proverbs 15:15 The cheerful heart has a continual feast.
Equipping volunteers to work with stressed children

Develop and show empathy

1. Use the role of empathy in getting kids attention. Patience, not
punishment, turns angry students into happy kids.
2. Empathy is a heart understanding. Its feeling what they feel. Its
feeling the same emotion. Empathy means providing them
comfort. They need you to comfort them. Sometimes we forget
to comfort the children.
Mirror neurons

1. Activate the mirror neurons in the brain to change a childs

mood. Mirror neurons allow what is happening in your brain to be
projected onto other people.
2. When you smile, it can activate the mirror neurons in another
persons brain and they will mirror your expression.
3. Just like a child catches a cold, kids can catch your mood.
Listen with your eyes.
Some kids brains are wired for self-preservation. Be aware and help
them notice what their body is doing when this happens.
Children, who have experienced a crisis or family trauma such as a
divorce, are intuitive.
Does every infraction need to be punished? Every infraction needs
to be notices because kids need to feel they belong. Sometimes a
look, nod of the head or a hand signal will work effectively.
Prepare yourself first by having your mind free and clear and ready
to listen. These kids have learned to read body language; they will
look at your face, your eyes to see if they have your attention. They
also will be able to tell if your mind is some other place. If your mind
is on something other than that very moment, they will turn you off.
You will loose them probably for the rest of that session.

Every child is different. There is no one size fits all when it comes to
ministering to the child who is under stress.

One other factor many church leaders need to realize is with many
of these children leaders and teachers need to commit to the long
haul. It takes time for a child to grieve their losses. Churches can
run programs like DC4K, DivorceCare for Kids, or other group
support programs. These kind of programs will help the child
maintain their dignity as they heal and move into other church
programs. Assigning mentors to follow the child for several years as
they grow and move into different programs and classes is one
small accommodation all churches can make.
What this is all about -- ministering!

Resources
http://blog.dc4k.org Kids & Divorce blog, lot of articles on discipline,
brain research
http://www.americanvalues.org/search/item.php?id=25 My daddys
name is donor
https://drgrcevich.wordpress.com/2013/09/17/the-many-types-ofchildhood-trauma/ Experiencing trauma
http://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/Fac
ts_for_Families_Keyword.aspx Lists practically every kind of
trauma/situation a child can face and does it in alphabetical order
http://www.scionofzion.com/stress.htm Stress Management by Dr. Ken
Matto (with scriptures)
http://www.heartmath.org/ Institute of HeartMath, April 11, 2013 ENews letter
http://www.charlesstone.com/ Has brain friendly tips for ministers and
lay leaders
http://consciousdiscipline.comm 800-842-2846, Conscious Discipline
Dr. Becky Bailey (Loving Guidance)
https://drgrcevich.wordpress.com Church 4 Every Child
http://www.americanvalues.org/search/item.php?id=25 My daddys
name is donor
http://refocusministry.org/2015/01/18/sundays-not-enough-anymore/
Helping churches refocus on what church should look like when Sunday
services are failing.
http://www.abingdonpress.com/product/9781426774300#.VL7JD1od8R
k Attract Families to Your Church and Keep Them Coming Back by
Linda Ranson Jacobs,
http://www.divorceministry4kids.org A lot of encouraging articles about
challenging kids, kids and stress and brain research