TWENTY FOUR OR TWO DOZEN NASIR JOKES - 17

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No 1
NATURALLY GAY?
Lying down on the psychiatrist's couch, the young man said to the doctor
, "I wanted to see you because I think I am gay."
"Oh?" said the doctor. "And what makes you think that?"
"Well, my grandfather was gay, and so was my father."
"That doesn't mean you're gay," said the psychiatrist. "We don't believ
e that homosexuality is hereditary."
"Maybe not, but my two brothers are also gay."
"Really?" said the doctor, intrigued. "That's right. And so are my two
uncles and my cousin Morris."
"That IS uncanny," said the psychiatrist, his interest greatly piqued. "
Tell me, isn't there anyone in your family who has sex with women?"
"Yes, sir," the young man said. "My sister..."
********************************************************
No 2
2 AT ONCE!
Mary: "My last boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at on
ce."
Jill: "Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?"
Mary: "I said, 'If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to pi
ss off two?'"
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No 3
TALK ON SEX
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he co
uldn't tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed h
orseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they
complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he
's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and
the second time he fell off."
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No 4
SMELL
A man and woman are riding up in an elevator.

The man looks at the woman and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
She replies, "Hell no!"
The man says, "Well, it must be your feet then."
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No 5
STAIR
There once was a man from Monclair
Who screwed his wife on the stair,
The banister broke,
He quickened his stroke
And finished her off in the air
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No 6
BATHROOM CALL
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes l
ater, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes af
ter that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is scr
eaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,somet
hing comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... "You idiot
!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!
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No 7
KISS MY ASS
This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the
guy and says" Have you seen Ilene?" The guy is rather confused and asked " Ilene
who?"
The bartender replies " I lean over and you kiss my ass."
Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the ba
r across the street. So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his
beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him.
The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you should go
back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say
I bend over and you kiss my ass.
So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has
seen Ben.
And the Bartender said " Yep, He just went out the door with Ilene."
The guy asks" Ilene who? ......
********************************************************

No 8
JEWISH GRANDMA
The children and grand children of an elderly Jewish woman decided to se
nd grandma on a cruise. Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the pu
rser. He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D."
She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.?
He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck."
She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser ther
e and he said, "I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C."
Grandma replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?"
The purser said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin."
Grandma, needless to say, was delighted. She then showed her ticket to t
he cabin boy and he said, "Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B."
"B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked grandma.
The cabin boy answered, "B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed."
"Oh" she said; "Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful."
Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her
room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed and she said, "F.U.C.K"
Shocked, they said, "F.U.C.K?
What do you mean F.U.C.K.?", to which she replied, "Yes, F.U.C.K. First
U Could Knock!"
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No 9
SPICING UP
A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. After work, sh
e went shopping and
picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment
, then selected a short skirt to go with it.
She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from
him as they had a drink. She slowly spread her legs.
"Honey, would you like some of this?" she asked enticingly.
"Hell no!" he gasped, "Look what it's done to your underwear!"
********************************************************
No 10
HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE CHILDREN
MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind
the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST

Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). H
ave a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to
the bathroom or kitchen. No screaming allowed, as this would wake a child at nig
ht.
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you
as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag maki
ng sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from
the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of sogg
y cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump
the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the b
ag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pic
k up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen m
ore songs and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and ma
ke breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it i
nto an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Ch
ristmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk car
ton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of
the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone a
nd put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into th
e cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash th
em into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Tell the c
lerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head offi
ce and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase
a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they c
an improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's ta
ble manners. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to ru
n wild.
Enjoy this time since you will never have all the answers again.
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No 11

YOU WILL HATE FRIDAYS

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in desp
air, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are y
ou a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do
is drink. Whiskey,
tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and
colas. We drink till we throw up and then
we drink some more! A
nd we don't worry about getting a hangover because you're dead
anywa
y.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars f
rom all over the world
and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer no
biggie, you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow... that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, R
oulette, Poker, Slots.
If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow. Do y
ou do drugs??
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack, or
smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine
. You can do all the drugs you want,
you're dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: You gay?
Guy: No...
Satan: Ooooh You're gonna hate Fridays.
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No 12
THE PRIZE
A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place f
or the night.
When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The gu
y saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them
all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large st
uffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of smaller
stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.
Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, "So ... how
was I?"
"Well," she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf."
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No 13
DISPELLING MYTHS
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glanc
es up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she
is heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right b

eside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vaca
tion?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphoman
iac Convention in Chicago."
He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sit
ting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!! Struggling to m
aintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this conven
tion?"
"Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular
myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are
the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is mos
t likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actual
ly it is the men of Jewish decent.
However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories i
s the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sor
ry," she says, " I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know you
r name!"
"Tonto!" the man says, "Tonto Goldstein!!. . . . but my friends call
me Bubba."
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No 14
FAKE
A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd gone off men for
life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she moaned. "From now on
when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion," she s
aid.
"What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.
"That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!
"
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No 15
CONFESSION
There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the c
onfessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love
to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons in

to a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
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No 16
TEXAN MIDGET
There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his ca
jones (testicles) ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about
his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to the doctor see what he c
ould be done to relieve the problem.
The midget took his advice and went to the doctor told him what the prob
lem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants the doctor put him up onto the examining ta
ble, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle
and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for her
nia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle,
he asked the midget to cough again.
"Ahhha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip, snip,snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, sni
p, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afra
id to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The Doctor then told the midget to pull up his pants see if they still a
ched. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office a
nd discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
"Gee, what did you do Doc?" he asked.
The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boot
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No 17
IF IT COULD
Ma and Pa farmer were sitting out on the stoop. Pa farmer reached over t
o Ma, grabbed her chest and said,
"You know, Ma, if I could get milk out of them things, I surely wouldn't
need all those cows over there."
A short while later, Pa grabbed Ma's crotch and said,
"You know, Ma, if I could get eggs out of this thing, I wouldn't need al
l those chickens over there."
Ma looked at Pa, grabbed his pecker and said, "You know, Pa, if I could
get a hard-on out of this thing, I wouldn't need the neighbor."
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No 18

UNZIP
A young woman, wearing a tight leather mini-skirt with matching tight le
ather boots and jacket, was waiting for the city bus.
When the young woman stepped up to board the bus, she quickly realized t
hat her skirt was too tight. The embarrassed young woman reached behind her and
unzipped her skirt a little. She hoped this would give her enough slack to climb
the stairs onto the bus. Much to her chagrin, though, that didn't help.
A big Texan, who was in line behind the embarrassed, young woman, gently
lifted her from the waist and helped her onto the bus.
As expected, the young woman went ballistic, and turned on the would-be
hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch me! I don't even know who you are!"
The big Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but
since you were unzippin' my fly, I kinda figured that we was friends!"
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No 19
LOGIC
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and though
t they should go to college to get ahead. The first redneck went to see a profes
sor who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" asked the first redneck.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example.
Do you own a Weedeater?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then, I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the pro
fessor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a
yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are het
erosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right!" exclaimed the redneck. "That's the most fasci
natin' thing I ever heard... I can't wait to take this here logic class."
The first redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back
into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin"? the friend asked.

"Math, history, and logic," replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic"? asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater"?
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"
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No 20
ARTWORK
As an art teacher for an elementary school here in Jacksonville, Florida
, one of my recent assignments for the children was to enter a contest that our
new national football team, the Jacksonville Jaguars, was promoting.
The winning artwork gets placed on the back of the season tickets, so I
encouraged the children to come up with a good logo and a colorful creation.
One innocent little girl was so enthused about her masterpiece she turne
d in to me. It had a picture of a mean looking jaguar that read, "You're messin'
with the wrong pussy."
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No 21
YO MOMMA
Yo
Yo
Yo
Yo
Yo
Yo

momma
momma
momma
momma
momma
momma

house so dirty roaches ride around on dune buggies!

so flat she's jealous of the wall!
so bald you can see whats on her mind.
so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed.
like potato chips-- Fri-to Lay
like a screen door, after a couple bangs she tends to loosen up

Yo
Yo
Yo
Yo
Yo
Yo
Yo
Yo
Yo
Yo
Yo
Yo
Yo

momma
momma
momma
momma
momma
momma
momma
momma
momma
momma
momma
momma
momma

like the pillbury doughboy - everyone gets a poke!

like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn!
like a T.V. set, even a three year old can turn her on!
like a tomato sauce bottle, everyone gets a squeeze!
like a rifle... four cocks and she's loaded.
like a hardware store: 4 cents a screw!
like a refridgerator: everyone likes to put their meat in her!
like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long.
like a Toyota: "Oh what a feelin'!"
like Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!"
like a bubble-gum machine... five cents a blow.
so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.
grouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Me

als.
Yo momma mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.
Yo momma so poor she can't afford to pay attention.
Yo momma so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fi
ngers.
Yo
Yo
Yo
Yo
Yo
Yo

momma
momma
momma
momma
momma
momma

so
so
so
so
so
so

poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.

short you can see her feet on her drivers lisence
skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.
skinny she turned sideways and disappeared.
slutty she could suck-start a Harley
stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes

Yo momma
Yo momma
Yo momma
Yo momma
Yo momma
rofessionals."
Yo momma
Yo
Yo
Yo
Yo
Yo

momma
momma
momma
momma
momma

so
so
so
so
so

stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl

stupid she sold her car for gasoline money
stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight
stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund
ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no p

so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
so ugly she made an onion cry.
teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles
so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop
so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions
so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, pleas

e"
Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her f
arts
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No 22
THE 17 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED
1. MILKING IT. When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and st
art jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's
a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing o
f wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshiped and held tenderly at all time
s. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds
of the way down.
2. ROBOTS. When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and
jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be cares
sed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.
3. SILENT FRIGHT. If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your a
ppreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done hi
s duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.
4. NO LAUGHING MATTER, Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried awa
y and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" or "I wa
nt to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any aspect
of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy
who can speak whole sentences.
5. CLOSING UP. If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, d
on't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful unio
n and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most ca
ses - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
6. POOR PRESENTATION. Presentation is all-important. Don't wait to be asked to
get it doggy-style. Roll over and present.You know you love it.
7. HANGING AROUND. When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not
want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are
a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving anything or a
sking for a phone number. His work is done.
8. BEING SHY. Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love It. If you do
n't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself
as he rams away.
9. BEING A DRIP. You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his she

ets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everythin
g.
10. CLOCK-WATCHING. Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you goin
g to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off t
o utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the
gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you
should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union betwe
en two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS. Don't ask him if you're the best lover he has ever
had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are
. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
12. PLAYING DEAD. Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a specta
tor sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the
men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed w
ith the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the ac
t to show your appreciation.
13. BEING POSSESSIVE. If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can sat
isfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that o
ne of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's pro
bably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your
man really happy.
14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON. Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes you
r pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks l
ike the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racin
g stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather
be shagging.
15. SPITTING IT OUT. When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and ge
t his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring the
taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba,
blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love i
t when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
16. INGRATITUDE. Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he h
as expended on making love to you - especially if:
a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an org
asm.
A man' s role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice w
hen one's prowess is appreciated.
17. SEEKING FAVORS. Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after
-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved sl
umber, resist the urge to ask: "Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt/sofa
/Mercedes/country cottage?"
There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution
."
********************************************************
No 23
REJECTED TITLES FOR DR SEUSS BOOKS:
The Cat in Deep Fat
Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
The Fox in Detox

Someone Shat in the Hat

Horton Hires a Ho
The Flesh-Eating Lorax
How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
My Colon Can Moo-Can You?
Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
Are You My Proctologist?
Yentl the Lentil
My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
Aunts in My Pants
Oh, the Places You'll scratch and Sniff!
Horton Fakes an Orgasm
The Grinch's Ten Inches
********************************************************
No 24
LETTER
Dear Aunti Em,
I hate you.
I hate Kansas.
I've been faking my orgasms, and I'm taking the dog.
Dorthy
********************************************************