through

CLOWNING

BASEBALL

Clowning
THROUGH

Basehall
By

AL

SCHACHT

and

Grammar

Adjectivesby
GOODMAN

MURRAY

Foreword

by
KIERAN

JOHN

Illustrations
WILLARD

A,

S.

BARNES

AND

by
MULLIN

COMPANY

Publishers,New

York

COPYRIGHT,

BY

A.

S.

BARNES

AND

book

TJfis

prodiiced

any

vianner,

IN

THE

it

be

may

either

UNITED

the

reprinted

wholly
special

copyright

STATES

and

copyright

by

without

of

PRINTED

in

whatever

use

INCORPORATED

protected

appears

in

any

COMPANY,

fully

is

that

nothing

for

I94I

or

written

or

in

re-

party
mission
per-

ow?ter.

OF

AMERICA

Dedicated

Who

My

Mother,

all the

blame

to

takes

9 9 ;"b :?

FOREWORD

should

There
Clown

the

be

of

Prince

national

him
of

writers

deep
on

the

for

belongs
through
many

modest,
of

of

this

him

with

entrancing

tales

that

all

the

laughter,

and

merry
my

in

he

would

friend

and

on

of

authentic

the
and

the

hearty

times.

the

in

not

like

than
Al

shows

honest,

sporting

unassuming

good

nobody

monds
dia-

terial
ma-

spins.

war-torn

and

the

tertained
en-

background

solid

wealth

with

gifted class,

has

and

themselves

the

into

He

years

dumb

these

in

fellows

fine

book,

provide

furnish

us

of

Schacht,

travels, long experience

hilarious

provide

know.

man

Al
fun

more

players

wide

baseball

cherished

in

ball

His

game.

who
be

should

the

put

span

his

the

Those

long

builds

he
and

met

than

knowledge

which

and

games

has

other

any

over

more

all

In

Baseball,

than

pastime
millions

enjoys

fun

some

to

field
the

Al

and

Schacht

rank.

rear

add

laughter

that

none

blushing

But,

have

more

author

Schacht.

JOHN

KIERAN

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

To

been

has

To

To

the

the

be

it

the

in

have

to

me,

world.

cheered

tremendous

which,

and

me

it

sport

and

on,

is.

who

have

people

50,000,000

wrong!

the

through

Arthur

rolling.

of

writers

sports

in

To

the

lifeblood

my

game

who

fans,

possible
career

is

greatest

baseball

made

can't

which

Baseball,

their

the

nation,

kindness

to

made

who

me

this

throughout

book

my

baseball.

Mann,

who

threw

out

the

first

ball,

and

kept

CONTENTS

Foreword
I.

vii

Star Is Bom

II.

Success

Story

ii

III.

Idiot's

Delight

20

IV.

Good

Momin',

V.
VI.
VII.
VIII.
IX.
X.

Unknown

Screwloose

Old

39

Soldier

on

and

Fox

47

the Diamond

Using the Mails

The

29

Kildare!

CallingDr.
The

Judge!

58

Defraud

to

70

the Sour

Grapes

Laugh, Clown, Laugh!

79

89
,

XI.
XII.

Back!

Lover, Come

103

Enter, the Professor!

112

Pilgrim'sProgress!

XIII.

XIV.

Wuthering Heights

131

Much

Ado

141

Runs,

Hits

XV.
XVI.
XVII.

XVm.

About
and

119

Nothing!
Errors!

Seein' Stars

All This, Not

159
174

Heaven

Too!

183

through
CLOWNING

BASEBALL

STAR

My

IS BORN

love

for

baseball

earliesthome
Yankee

remember

can

Stadium.

the

Over

chases flies,
I chased

now

the

in

look

days

better

about

same

soil,because the

the site of the

present

on

where

area

goats, and

Hvely goat.

What

Di

Joe

Maggio

but that

vice versa,

makes

the fact that he

today is
of

was

You

own.

tender

rudder-Hke

my

your

of the

was

the

Di

never

has

mother

took

was

Maggio
to

worry

the flies chasinghim.

When
at

from

comes

and
profile,

are

has

said:

descendant

there
and, besides,

[newspaperman

age, my

are

of

"Alexander,you'reon
Abraham, but not Lincoln

log cabins

no

great future,so

look

one

in the Bronx.

sell as

many

as

A
you

can."
Yciii-caa

gatherfronr

but
flmily,
into

me.

heard

The

inclosed

and

only a
soon

Polo

able

was

marvelous

playersgo

clothes. And

seeing them

and

come

as

which

rushed

over

dressingrooms
could

out.

to

Long

was

no

born

was

from

up

grandstand

from

house. As

my

how

developed

the Polo Grounds

watch

before

and

the greatest of

I had

seen

recognizethe game's heroes

there

poor

high board fence,was

was

to

it

the first time

its wooden

by

into

they echoed

short swim

walk"

to

in and

leagueuniform,I

from

Grounds, with

gait"I

stood outside the

street

the game

Eighth Avenue

on

stone's throw

as

ball

about

nuts

was

born

was

^cause
pityfor baseball,-

your

the crack of the batted balls

Harlem.

my

save

this that I

big-

in their

thrill in the world

like

through the clubhouse doorway" biaz-

Clowning Through Baseball I

and big
blue-eyed

John J.McGraw,
pouter-pigeon
ing-eyed,

bowlegged Honus
Wagner, and his
Clarke;Tinker and Chance, and other

ChristyMathewson,
Fred

great manager,
of the

big guns

day.

A'

"Alexander, old boy!" I

would

say

myself."Forgel

to

those fire-chiefambitions. It's baseball for

would

"Right,"I
sight,
you
not

them

meet

Why
get
And

? I

not

was

so

was

quickon

managed

to

worm

Then

became

or

had

I rushed

leg-man for
had

or

thing of

have

to

send

to

by

Why
personality.

minor

to

up

the
a

I could

worst

being a

into the Polo

nuisance.
for

Grounds

beingseen. I kept out

thing.
somebody needed some-

that

be of service. That

when
players
suit taken

message.

the

without

until I noticed

way

feet,and

my

of the pants for

seat

morning practiceworkouts
of the

your

stars

socially?"

kick in the

all these

reply."Knowing

can't miss, especially

with

you."

to

they needed
the tailor'sin

Little Alexander

and
necessity,

how

was

became

a
a

wich,
sand-

hurryj

somq
sandwich-beare
special

Clowning Through Baseball

the Giants

straight
pennant and then won
by pitchingthree
single-handed

their second

to

Series almost

the World

Athletics.
againstthe Philadelphia
fourth year in publicschool,I
my

shutouts
After

nothing the

teachers could do

so

I hid

under

one

facts of baseball life.And

in class with

the other. It

glove under

that made

and

"

my
arm

sary
neces-

books

and

and

baseball

for knowledge

contempt

couldn't carry all three

baseball

playerloves

to

lunch
^glove,

"

ported
re-

ited
lim-

and

eat.

consisted of two bolognasandwiches

invariably
in a yellow grocery bag.As
rolls,
packed securely
I had to carry the
departmentalsystem of classes,

lunch

My
on

seed

we

had

glove under

lunch

and

every

period the

The

not

was

the

me

discard the books, but rather my

me

I
strength.
books

lunch

my

teach

would

realized that

of

aroma

esters

were

lunch

released
in its

teacher

and,

lazyway,

fire.
prairie
Always, without
snatch

catch

the
me.

yelledshrilly:
"Alexander, bring me
mouth
The

get

stronger

in each
my

room

tightersqueezing.
as

the

as

lunch

tantalizing
time

proache
ap-

boyishappetitespreadlike

fail,I would

bite under
would

would

bolognagrew

class to class.With

from

arms

my

yieldto temptation and

desk. Always, without
fail,the
The
first time it happened, she
what

you

holding in

are

your

and hand!"
second

time

she

shouted, but

not

as

harshlyas

before.

"Alexander,the lunch,please!"
Thereafter,she would
"Alexander, the
squeeze

the mustard

pleasant,
hungry voice:
bolognasandwiches,please.And don't
out

purr

in

altogether!"

Is Born

Star

I stood it as

j
I could. I

losingweight and she

I hid the lunch and brought the
was
gaining.Finally,
books to school. But the bologna sandwiches
made
me
teacher's pet and I found it easy to excuse
myself from
class to play catch. In fact,I developedmy pitching
arm
from raising
my hand so often for permissionto leave the
long as

was

room.

can

figureout

never

Schacht

why,

I decided
little,

so

troubles started when

become

to

I made

with

Matty so big
but
a
pitcher,

the choice. I

gained the

and
my

team

nobody else went out for the job.But I

have been pretty good in those days,for we
the
must
won
championshipof the Bronx and received gold medals. My
from
of financing
medal served as a means
various projects
redeemed
it for keeps and it is
time to time, but I finally
home
today to disputeall who claim that I never
played
with ease, because

any

baseball whatever.

forgetthe championshipgame. We were

coached
playing against a neighborhood school that was
of the school,who
Condon, principal
by John F. "J^^sie"
mediator
later became
naping
in the Lindberghkidas
a headliner
I wall

never

case.

The

evenlymatched.

^were

"

for
terrific,

was
rivalry

trailing
by
found

to

i.

We

the

"

1908

closinginnings
warning in the ninth, I

any

third base for

myself on

of that year

into the

went

Without

teams

reason

was

never

able

third base 'yvasalways strange territory

to me
as
explain,
of a
until I took up coaching.
I couldn't bat my
out
way
would be to
wet
paper bag, and a better story rightnow

to

tellhow

I got that far.

At

rate, there

any

something had

to

I was,

be done. A

and

it occurred

to

me

that

comfeelingof desperation,

Clowning Through Baseball

bined with the fact that I

Perhaps it

the gypsy

was

I took

steal home.

to

advantageof

wind-up and

slow-motion

on
third,was
actually

was

raced for the

firstunder

the catcher's feet and

dirt of the

home-platesector.

of

good

earth

I looked

as

heard

dived

head

face in the soft

my

eyes and

and

up

opposing pitcher's
I
plate.

buried

My

but I decided

in me,
the

powering.
over-

mouth
the

full

were

umpire shout,

"Safe!"
There

It
threatening.

and

wrath

of God

With

without

or

innings and,
home

suffered

as

of

the

v/ith my

piano

teacher's fault. He
to

would
and

have
an

cost

hour

Who

could

was

The

the

Giants

him

lesson

that much

me

the

and

umpire,

you!

will

He

in

extra

the

by pride,and

the usual

beat the

son

Hall.

It

was

So
pupil.
in

over

he put

the

maternal

out
daylights

was

the

piano

that
telling
a

fast clock

minutes
forty-five

for baseball
to

me

told her that I couldn't

fielder's glove.
But
a

claimed

teacher

had

then

laced into

mother

piano

mother

have

attention

sweetest

my

Carnegie

time

more

pay

at

should

left without

my

the

the game

won

inflated

head

day hearingher

concert

fiery

triumph,my fame spread

I
neighborhood candy stores.

when
terrificdeflating

one

was

result of my

playingbaseball while
fiftycents by default.
Unfortunatelymy poor
of

at

both of

on

we
forgiveness,

for

dream

then

but

me,

hear:

to

be forever

rapidly throughout
reached

his face

and

me

over

for this!"

forgiveyou

never

big fist at

his

for the world

shouted

"The

figurebending

Condon, and

Dr.

was

shook

red. He

third

still a

was

music

go

secret
on

to

me

give

practice.

that year,

ball
1908? Base-

rhapsodyto

every

kid in New

Chicago Cubs

had

finished the

York.
season

Is Born

Star

in

tie and

them

of Fred

because

the

first base

earlier game
Merkle's

to

failure
after

second

to

been

protested

completethe

distance

had

crossed

winning

play-over,
biggestsports
the Polo

stagedat

nickel. But

thousand

Grounds

on

run

nickels,because

Grounds.

the Polo

the reporters
the game,

cover

pushed hither

were

led
the
boxes

followingyear,

and

an

off

ball

I didn't have

when

day
as

and

jammed

was

fans
disappointed
luck

had

who

many

park

was

year,

to

were

the limited

on

size of

cause
being made inside,beYork
from New
and Chicago,assigned
couldn't get into their regularseats and
and yon by impatientfans. This shambles

History

the formation

to

the

of the

event

well

just as

was

and twice as many

overflowing
the outside,bemoaning their

to

had

which

ordered

plate.

This

had
League president

the National

replayan

to

from

was

of the Baseball

Writers'

which

resulted in press

in

orderlyarrangement

turn

of conditions

tion
Associa-

for

ing
cover-

baseball games.
Out
got

on

out

Eighth Avenue
of hand, thanks

buddies.

We

hemmed

the

catwalk

could

from

the elevated

tear

grownups

down

Though crowded
Here
paradise.
were

into
that

Alexander

the outfield

structure

followed

and

Schacht

from
El'
to

the

crowd

fence

and
pillar

his
that

made

the fence. Hundreds

trail before

our

the

the

bridge.
beyond safetyinside,it
the

players,
separatedfrom
around

to

The
terrific.

was

ripped a few boards

shinnied up an
outfield,

of kids and
cops

the crush

to

us

hold

world's greatest

only by

the rope

the crowd

was

an

earthly

people,baseball
that stretched

in check.

squeezed

field.From
in deep center
squatted
lowlyperch I waited for my idol,ChristyMathewson,

spot up

front and

Clowning Through

give these despisedChicagoCubs

to

Baseball

their justdeserts and

his

thirty-eighth
victoryof the season.
He
wasn't invincible that day, but he stood them
to
nobly.I don't recall the inning,but Joe Tinker came
win

with

the

knew

tied and

score

two

Cubs

that Tinker, though a weak

almost

So

true.

will. It

at

it

not

was

batter,could

bat

even

hit

Matty
a
strange and unfortunate thing,but
when
Matty turned in our
surprising

motioned

and

direction

was

base. Now,

on

off

for Cy

Seymour,

Giant

center

to play deeper.
fielder,

but motioned
only refused to shift his position,
do the
to Matty as though to say, "You
disdainfully
an' I'llplay the outfield!"
pitchin'
Joe Tinker then walloped a drive to deep center.
mour
Seyraced back,but the ball missed his upstretched
gloved
for a triple.
The
Cubs
the
hand by inches and went
won
of 4 to 2 and took their third-straight
by a score
game
National League pennant, leavinglittleAlexander
ing
squirm-

Seymour

in

not

misery.

mysteriousforce called algebrawas about to ruin my

baseball
into highereducation three years later when
flight
steppedin and did the job.I was ordered out of athletics
A

and

expelledwhen

the horrified

covered
high school officialsdis-

taken four dollars every time I pitched

head bowed
extra-curricular ball game. With
in
my
that I had

some

shame, I deserted higherlearningand have been

ignoramus

ever

ful
success-

since.

those four-dollar games

Ah, but

fun.

They brought
excitement and new
to
surroundings.
me
They transported
and to what might be called the
the Catskill Mountains
"Borscht

Circuit

leagueand

of Baseball."

It

I received four dollars

were

was

week

type of
with

summer

room

and

Is Born

Star

board. I

sent

dollars of it home

two

and

squanderedthe

because I traveled in a fast set.

living,
of the playerswere
Most
vacationingcollegeboys,each
of whom, it seemed, had a very wealthy father. These
rest

riotous

on

wealthy fathers
and

alwayslate

were

Alexander's

the

change touches.

and

leavingme

they went,
I
Still,

one.

N.

Y.,

won

scout

prizesucker

weekly

soaked
until

up

ances,
allow-

in small-

Septembercame

holdingthe bag, but an empty

for the Walton,
sixteen straight
games
reward was
cinnati
invitation by a Cinan
my
join the Reds then managed by Clark

and

team

the

dollars were

two

was

with

to

Griffith.
ended

This
with

fellow offered

school. A
and

expenses

to

had

the firsttripupstate after

I made

when

one

summer-long nightmarethat

quitting

dollars,
plustransportation

four

me

begun

pitcha singlegame

N.
Catskill,

in

Y. It

Brushes
days of two-cylinder
belt-drive Metz, which was
why we went by train

difficult trip in those

was

and

the

and

stoppedoff

in order

catch

to

Newburgh,

at
an

N.

Y.,

Shore

earlyWest

to

sleepat

hotel

local for Catskill in

the morning.
It

River
due

was

and

to

wished

being away
I had

numbers

me,

the cry upon

from

of

was

the Hudson
very nervous,

the mother

sleepand

I had

treated
I

right away

better because I

When
sheep-counting.

ran

slumber

terrificfire and

out

of

finally

awoke

with

lips.

jumped from the bed

roommate
and,
violently
I

hurled

to

get

arithmetic

I -dreamed
my

and

home

couldn't

studied

for the

overtook

but
sleeping,

ideal for sound

shamefully.I

so

hotel that overlooked

rather ancient

myself againstthe

to

spreadthe alarm, shook

bHnded

my

by the glare,promptly
Then
I raced around
wallpaper.

the

in

room

for

madly

hands,

blinded
charred

horrible
of

remains

found

the

in

out

the

the

Hudson

against
"Get

the

hurled

the

by

hotel

little
ruins.

window

my

picked

and

rope

to

back

searchlight

to

slide

when

River
face

nightshirt

Unable

door.

trembling
escape

flannel

my

by
bed,
from

the

up

it

determined

and
the

pitcher

rope
of

still

that
would

all, I

my

fire-

window,

Schacht

Nightshirt

for

old-fashioned

open

and

Alexander

down

of

the

searched

as

doorknob

coil

out

glow

fire

yelUng

locate

to

Baseball

Through

Clowning

lo

water

be

not

climbing

was

and

the

plunge
was

into

dashed

roommate.

my
you

the

dumbbell!"

Albany

he

night

muttered.
boat!"

"That's

Clowning Through Baseball

12

"We

have

bat

boy,"he

said. "Go

away

now."

I'm Schacht."
"Justa minute, Mr. Griffith,
he said,returning.
"When
"Oh, that's different,"

is your

going to show up?"

"I'm the pitcher
you wired to report."
said with a chuckle,and
"Who
are
you kidding?"Griff
sized me
more.
once
reportedthat you
"My scout
up
much
do you weigh now?"
How
weighed one-sixty.

brother

"One

hundred

and

Which
forty."

was

He of dark white

hue.
"What

happened to the other twenty pounds?"

and I lose a
"Oh, I can explainthat. I pitchedyesterday
lot of weight in a game.
I'm a hard worker, I am."
convinced
him that he could lose nothingbut a
I finally
then he
few baseballs if I pitchedbattingpractice.
Even
out-foxed me
by givingme a uniform that would hold two
the seams.
of my
size without stretching
But it was
an
with the greatearthly
paradiseagain,because I hobnobbed
est
ball players.
of men,
big-league

Story

Success

I made

Right away
concern

knew

fetish of

or
standingnext
sitting

after another. Aside

big name

one

13

findingan

was

empty

the box score,

onlyfrom

clothes outside the

Polo

from

or

pitching,
my

spot beside

some

from

Grounds

seeinghim
dressingroom.

to

gest
bigguy

in

street

Spying

seat, I would

lungequicklyfor the vacancy and

Then
often bump into the guy with an apology.
I would
just sit there and rub shoulders,nodding in approvalat
what he said and spitting
the crated flooring,
on
justas he
the empty

did. Beheve

there

me,

were

no

greater

those

than

moments

Johnny Bates or Dick

Egan, Cincinnati greats of that day; or face to face with
Brooklyn immortals
Nap Rucker, Jake Daubert, Zach
the firstball player
Wheat, and Tim Jordan. (Egan was
to be killed in France.)
And
social success, but an artistic flop.Yet,
I was
so
a
faithful batting-practic
had
Cincinnati
never
a
more
Schacht.
After one
week,
pitcherthan little Alexander

which

brought me

side

by

side with

"

Griffith called
reaches

me

over

to

hear

the saddest

that

ever

ball

ears.
player's
"Schacht,"he said,"you had better
a

music

go

home

and

fatten

Clowning Through Baseball

14

you'llbe wearing yourselfdown to the

You
can't afFord
bone, and you'renot far from that now.
to lose twenty
pounds a day and since we're in the second
division your
weight wouldn't last to pull us out. My
this

At

up.

advice

to

Guinness'

rate

is

you
Stout

I rushed

the

to

in

once

and

while

good

and

saloon

nearest

later that I had

learned

loaf around

with

downed

and

meals."

put

it

immediately.

whole

Then

clothes

my

drink

and

meals."

your

I followed

part about "with

the
forgetting
and

home

go

seemed

advice

His

to

bottle,
home

went

bed

to

and

the floor.

slepton

uniform had
big-league
because now
affectsa chorus girl,
That

It

one.

meant

affected

as

mink

wrap

happy

out
with-

I couldn't be

but
sacrifice,

me

willing.There

was

baseball in New
York
on
big-league
Sunday,and
that day in order to
I pitchedtwo
so
on
semi-pro games
sustain myself as a major leaguerthrough the other six
days.These days were
working
spent at the Polo Grounds
no

was

with the New

out

Through

York

varietyof

of John J. McGraw

an

it from

under, had

eye

out

for

skimpy side,as
After

Clark

"inside" reports, you

as

individual. Take
down

Giants.

tough

that
please,

me,

terrificsense

the

case

and

manager

of humor

even
promising material,

was

probablythink

with

Griffith resignedme

he
and

when

tougher
was
a
softy
alwayskept

it

littleAlexander
from

the

was

on

the

Schacht.

Reds, I talked

me
letting
put on a Giant uniform and work
with the boys.He agreedand I became
the firstplayer,
out
far as I know, who
ever
so
jumped from a second-division
in mid-season,but for nothing.
winner
team
to a pennant
free-lance ball playerwith plenty of stuff that
I was
a
of it.
bat got in the way
seemed to disappearwhen
a

McGraw

into

Story

Success
It

15

here

was

that

caught
regarded him

and

Mathewson

with

again

up

great

hght of

the

in

now

the

friendlyrival. Despite his likingfor me, he was a highly

fellow,and very serious. Perhaps he used me as
intelligent
have been a funny little
comic relief,
for I must
guy, full
as

of hustle and

was

of black

bustle and

ambition. I

animated

curlyhair and a nose that

gargoyle.My legswere

and

marvelous

my

the sand

empty
But

Matty

from

famous

answered

me,

show

to

ball,which
would

he

value. Some

screwball. But

the

batters

wrecks

wondering

said,and

that virtue

marvelous

record

gettingup

that

vain

was

throw

his

is what

the

sensation

then,

the

became
they finally

him

made

indicates. I

can

the other

with

questions

to

throw

of

twice

others
nervous

it.

as
John
dependability,

inning,but, instead

seventh

it

he would

when

the soul of

was

twigs

forgotto

and
caught unexpectedly,

were

expectedit so long in

an

ordinarycurve
with
He
too.
great effectiveness,
fadeaway often,which increased its

threw

throw

not

how

of course,

oppositedirection from

the

breakingin

I had

all my

me

which,
"fadeaway"delivery,

boys of today call a

He

to

aside

me

of

size of birch

though

as

shock

shoes.

my

kind

was

took
finally

and

gait looked

the

the look

me

gave

wore

often

McGraw
valuable

as

remember

Mrs.
to

spectators

as

his

son
Mathew-

stretch in the

again,she left

down
sitting

heard
park to put the meat on for dinner. I never
meat
done.
overwas
complaintfrom Matty that last night's
That is the true test of a dependablepitcher.

the ball
one

Matty

However,
he

didn't consider
That

was

Never

all

was

human

the

next

John

and

there

were

times

when

pitcha life-and-death proposition.

McGraw

needed

to

always willingto
superstitious,

drain his patience.

deal with

Clowning Through Baseball

playedno favorites
appeared,McGraw
when he criticizedplayers.
I recall distinctly
one
day when Matty suffered a bad

problem when

inning and

it

McGraw

better. Though

have feltthat it could have been

must

Matty

at

was

his

peak,the fierymanager

sailed into him.

"Why you big bum!" he barked. "The great Matty,my

eye! Get in there and pitchor it'llcost you plenty of
money!"
McGraw

was

master

because it came
invective,

at

from

playingthe game. He
fair in salaries,
shortcomingsand normal expectations,
he deUghted in meeting unfairness with unfairness.

his heart and he used that heart in

was

and

could

He

turn

the air blue with cussingwhen

the occasion

could
called for it and in many
ways. But George Stallings
and outcuss
him two
"hells" and "damns"
allow McGraw
to

one.

the "miracle-v^rinner"of
Stallings,

Braves,

justabout

was

unless John McGraw

Stallings'
tongue
his
time

pitcherwas
in

When

had

the last word

in

was

the

the stingof

1914 with

the Boston

in streamlined

oaths,

disputehim.
blacksnake whip when
park

batter,or
a
three-twoing

to

took

too

much

winding up.
the Braves

of 1914

came

to

the Polo Grounds, the

of invective
through the encyclopedia
for nine innings.McGraw,
coachingat third base,would
oath by shoutingit at the pitcher
kill two
birds with one
would champ at
time. Stallings
and Stallings
at the same

two

the

managers

bit

to

get

ran

out

there

and

fire back

compound insults
fast friends.
Off the field they were
man.
how
What Matty forgot
was
to teach me
craziest

assortment

of

at
ever

to

McGraw

the

devised

keep runners

by
1

Story

Success

17

off the bases,one

After

of my

in
major failings

while I felt abnormal

bags,and

without

it finally
developedinto

to

years

three

runners

the

on

of three

case

come^

on

or

no

count.

hanging out

But

escutcheon
of

for the

with

the Giants

promise. When

exactlyblot

that John McGraw

reason

wasting time

never

didn't

on

ball

little Alexander

had

playerwho

remained

my

tation
repu-

had

through

no

the

home

batting-practice
pitcher,word got
around and broughtme
contract.
pitching
my firstprofessional
The
Cleveland Club, of the United
States League,
an
independentcircuit,wired me to report earlyin 1912.
191 1

season

as

the way

On
and

see

Cleveland

to

cousin. I hasten

and
relative,

I decided

to

add

stop off

to

that this

the traditional "cousin"

Erie

genuine

was

at

who,

in baseball

lingo,
always hits a pitcherhard. Anyway, I was
stoppingoff,because I got lost in gettingon

sorry for

the wrong

train,returned

had
finally

take

to

team

not

and

missed

trolleyall

ride
all-day

the

meet

on

ride on a
all-night
I rushed
trolley,
up to the

train and
manager,

of the St. Louis

manager

Schacht's in town!
Clark

up and

"You

Griffith had

down
ain't

with

Browns,

Normally,I
me.

done

do I
a

year

here,son," he
pitchin'

blown into Lake

for

When

am

pitch?"

he
before,

looked

me

considerable disdain in each eye.

Chicagotomorrow,

even

to

shouted:

"Al
As

Cleveland

to

way

and

after an

Jack O'Connor, former

and

righttrain

schedule.

on

Reaching Cleveland
an

the

the

an' it is very

Michigan,who
a

muttered.

rugged

playin

there. If you get

the funeral bill?"

windy
pays

gentlesoul, but

I got very

"We

and

this

was

yelled:

too

much

Through Baseball

Clowning

8
"'You

wire

night.You're

not

back without

You'll

trial.I'll pay

me
pitch

^ntlooked

at

or

alone. What

can

rushed down

it 1 make

sadly."Either,

you

to

be

big chance had

for keeps I
pitcher

tlie field earlier than

usual and bustled

around,introducingmyselfto all the players,

patting
that their worries
the back and assuringthem
on
that I

now

over,

called

He

the

on

were

scene.

to

ignore me

until afternoon.

said,"Pitch battingpractice.Ill

and

over

them,

over."

look you
"Wait

me

was

cominued

O'Connor

But

gall

for your

certain that my

was

and that I would

come
finally

contract

I lose?"

day

next

I'lltake
pitch.

can

you

Chicago.

to

way

his head

shook

and

me

own

my

and giveme

tomorrow

you'renuts,
The

report. I travel all day. I travel all!

goingto call me a midgetand send me
to

me

minute!" 1

"How
exploded.

long

does

guy

pitchbatting practice before he can break intc

the lodge?I've been doing that for the last two
years to.
I cant
better clubs than this. Either I can
or
pitch,
pitch
have

to

Make
I

your mind!"

up

O'Connor

But
batting practice.
pitched

good,because

thoughtI

was

pitchedto

three batters.

he

hav.

must

stoppedme

after I ha(

....

he said with a shrug

got
"Take a rest. I may need you later."
Sure enough, the jinx of the Schacht future reared it

"Maybe you

ugly head

in

the

middle of die ball game,

iradc
in the
of pitchers

Chicago
course,

team

leadingby

the bases

something,'^

have

were

,"

b.
^ter
and with d,
a

firstfive innings,
nine

loaded.

runs,

they sent

for

me.

IDIOT'S

My

stop

next

of the
A

of

treasurer

to

me

pitch,and

and

and

he in

he

ganized baseball.I

saw

between

made

the

to

One

one.
me

contract"

didn't

who

led

word

the Bronx

another

to

firstin

my

and

sa^^^

presidentoi

or-:

the distance

quick computation of

and

Newark

never

shirt manufacturer

offered
finally

Newark

pitch,recomfi

me

theater who

praisedme

turn

club,a

when
pitcher

saw

never

of

waT

Horn.

Cape

theater who

J.,by

N.

Newark,

at

was

the manager

ball

the Newark

know

baseball

in

grapevineroute

mended
me

IIj

DELIGHT

signed.

in Newark.
There
at home
perfectly
about a half-dozen other crackpots
the club and,
were
on
stillin the apprenticestage, they
was
though my goofiness
I learned
at my
own
taughtme quickly,
expense, of course.
in a hurry that a ball player,
from the manager
down,
be up on his pranks and practical
must
jokesto hold his
He must
and a waterhave the hide of a rhinoceros,
own.
proof
I seemed

Somehow

of humor

sense

offer this

case

from

as
history

start

more

to

than

finish of the

season.

enough proof of

I
my.

point.

Harry Smith, a swashbuckHngcatcher

the Boston Braves in 1912, managed the
gave

been

me

welcome

that I

am

sure, and

who

had

Club

Newark

hope,has never
beyond his imagination

himself

as

should

someone

committee

of

one

and

equaledin baseball.Nothing was

and he adoptedme
his favorite stooge.
as

immediatelythat

managed

for

guide me.
the job.He

He

decided

He

selected

moved

right

Delight
Idiot's
with

me

and

21

guidedme

all right,
and, if he hadn't left

"Jewark in 1914, Fd have been

guidedrightinto

padded

ell.

My firstweek with Newark,

he followingnovelties:

and

"

jI

hit

was

the head

on

with

Smidi, produced

with

bucket of

water

that had

I saw
a "ghost"
suspendedover the door of the room.
lash through our
room
screaming,"He got me! He got
I saw
socks,shoes and practically
everythingelse
|ne!"
my
when
I awakhad taken oflF,
walking around die room
:ned to answer
a
phony telephonecall.After recovering
which a mysteriousblast of wind had alny nightshirt,
blown
off my goose-pimpled
nost
frame, I discovered that
and was
iJmithhad tied stringsto everything
manipulating
hem like marionettes througha slit in the door.
Smith suggesteda snipe
the trainingcamp
Down
at
all for it. He
and I was
lunt
produced the bags and
but I suslanternsvery suddenlyfor a casual suggestion,
l"ected
he led me
with sticks,
to a gravenothing.Armed
hold the bag between my
vard and there ordered me
to
egs and die lantern in front of the bag.After a few minor
stand motionless and quiet
he told me
to
adjustments,
"een

'

jvhile he

off

went

to

beat the bushes and

chase the

snipes

be lured by the lightand trapped

to
They were
the bag. It's old,I know, but it was
to a
n
an
experience
iid of seventeen
who had gone throughtoo much
to endanger
a
job by crossingthe manager, even on a
pitching

It me.

;nipehunt.
But

there I

was

but
;he snipes,

no

once

more

snipescame.

holdingthe bag.I waited

I waited

for

Smith, but

for
no

appeared.
(He had long since returned to the hotel.)
Suddenlyit dawned upon me that I was in the middle of

Smith

Clowning Through Baseball

22
a

should have

and
graveyard

least

at

all,somebody might

then. After

cold chill now

and

along and charge

come

ghoul,since I had everythingbut the

shovel. And
I began to thread my
so
through the
way
overtime
and pretty soon
graves. My imaginationworked
close to a nervous
I was
wreck, expectinga ghostto pounce
minute. Reaching the edge of the cememe
at any
tery,
upon
let out
I dropped the bag and light,
that
a
scream
with

me

being

awakened

have

must

like mad

for I

I dashed
fright,

could
out

see

on

into my

bed. His

red with

face

blood.

though something had

let

another

out

into the

To

wounded

had

said,"Don't
climbed

bounded

much

a
was

into
it

for

ball

the

the

from

I!

stretched

the front of his

from

the

as

I
graveyard.

raced

and

room

to

open

...

scious,"
uncon-

shoulder

pattedmy

me,

I'll get him

Smith

room.

bed

my

stiff!"

stairway three

through the
me.

Hke

son.

worry,

the

playerin

edged up

out."

steps

picked up

window.

The

at

the

time

and

body

and:

strain

was

too(

I fainted.

revived,I learned

Later, as I

was

uniformed

dummy

through the

ordinaryketchup.The

in the

and

me

screech,bolted

Smith, who

heaved

out, but

upset mind, it looked

my

followed

I shouted. "Looks

We

shaking with

lightswere

white

morning.

that Smith

window

uniform

was

exhaustion,

baseball uniform

was

and

away.

lobby.

"There's

and

The

room.

figurein

ominous

an

my

uniform

five miles. Worn

from

road

the

five miles

about

was

down

tore

the strain of waiting kept me

the whole

ran

dead, and

the

hotel,which

for the

and

Fear

had

heaved

and the "blood"!

mine, I discovered

Delight

Idiot's
Smith

would

anything for

Smith
me

rocks

throw

at

addle-patedgenius

an

took

heartylaugh.He

of

it

course

that he hated

declared

made

of

day, but

hunting one

hunt.
He

something

was

do

rabbit

23

was

chase

the

rabbits all

them.

But

him
surprised

unusual

I fell for it.

the

over

out

me

an

and

guns,

who

and

woods

by bowlingover

pair of beauties.

had

He
of

of the

direct the

to

one

hear

orders

behind
mad

his

coming
All

Russian.
at

the way

from

Once

when

doubld-header
me

wear

we

Harry

was

Smith
game,

wanted

beard. But

me

that

of the
in the
was

too

me.

Tou're

crazy,"I said. "He'll fine

me.'

appeared,
dis-

astonished

were

playedwithout

was

Smith

game.

second

out

degree

there

who

man
heavily-bearded

kicked
he

and

umpire kicked him

an

later

through the

was

was

double-header,and

minutes

we

there

for the second

team

dugout. There

our

make

of

few

marveled

to

pranks.Once

first game

but

for every occasion, and

gag

about
artistry

out
no

to
sat

disguisedas
the

umpire

manager.

first game

of

second,he

tried

much,

even

for

Clowning Through Baseball

24

he

"Umpires are dumb,"

"He
persisted.

won't

even

nize
recog-

you!"
But

refused,and he

insulted

was

at

contempt

my

for

regardedas a masterpiece.Not long afterward

he insisted that
when
I squawked at an umpire'sdecision,
the heave-o. The
the umpire give me
umpire obligedand
what

he

that burned

the way
a

to

me

the bone. I kicked his whisk

the clubhouse.

to

fine. I
fifty-dollar

"You
"Smith
manager

day I was slappedwith

explanation.

next

demanded

an

you kicked that

"Every time
said the

The

all

broom

broom,

I fined you

dollar,"

umpire.
couldn't

'em!" I shouted.

count

kept track

for me," the

confessed that he had

umpire said and

reportedthe

my

number

own

just

for the sake of accuracy.

That

nighthe

reduced
Screwball

for the

the blame
was

wrote

to

ten

not.

or

letter to the

ing
takleaguepresident,

and
whisk-broom-kicking

the fine

bucks.
Smith

was

master

at
psychologist

easing the tragedyof minor-leaguedefeats. Every effort is

important to

minor-leaguerbecause

the young

player

Delight

Idiot's

25

always trying to
tryingto keep from
is

for

less time

worrying,and

pretty

I started

laugh from him. He was

had a burning ambition to

get

Smith's

slippingdown.

problems.Then

own

my

ladder,while the

the

up

go

began

think

to

gave

gags

us

forget

to

to

stunts

up

good audience,and finally

soon

is

veteran

anything he

top

had

ever

done.
We
It

was

the ball

walking to

were

right outside

and

usual

earlier than

day.Smith

park one

the

and I.

players'

with a horse attached.

vegetable
wagon
the
mustachioed Italian,
on
was
The owner,
sitting
a burly,
the horse and eatinghis salami sandwiches
curb alongside
while the horse was
puttingon the feed bag. Stricken by
I turned to Smith and said,"Harry,you've
an
inspiration,
Am
I pitchIt's my
turn
now.
ing
pulleda lot of crazy things.
stood

entrance

today.?"
"Sure, you're workin'
all I wanted

That's

animal,and
a

to

the second
to

if there

see

I turned

know.
any

was

game."
natural

though
piece of horseflesh,

beautiful

he had

triflespavinedand

to

admire

He
affinity.

the

was

legs were

underslungbellythat

an

the

looked

animal.
friendly

a
Triomphe sittingdown. But he was
At any rate,
Either that or he was
asleep.

he would

the purpose.

like the

Arc

serve

"Alexander
to

de

has

"With

Smith.

more

one

world

this beauteous

hearts of all Newark

to

muttered.

"I'm

good company," I said,and

"That's
"Can

a-heem

conversation.

then turned

"Is that your

to

the

horse?"

mine," the vender repliedwith

he walk.?"

the

fans."

nuts!" Smith

Italian to make

confided

animal, I shall conquer

"You're
in

conquer,"I

nod.

Clowning Through Baseball

26

"She fine horse,"he said

she

pull these-a

kinda old,but

proudly."Heem

year."
do you make
"How
much
selling
vegetables?"
"Good-a
days,two dolla,"he sighed."Somatimes
seventeena

wagon

al-i
.

most."
I make

"That's more'n

Smith.

glanceat
borrow

to

dollars. I'll be

three

you

I'llgive you
After
that it
him

what
explaining
cost

to

money

good

and

friend

mustachioed

in

batch

the horse

stillearlyand

park.It was

what's

game."
by baseball

bleacher

of his

more

game,

and

vegetables

own

into the Newark

unnoticed.

were

we

and

him,

to

it,he closed the deal. I helped

watch

led him

tive
sugges-

day, and I'llpay

of the

meant

was

the horse, took

for feed and

rest

ticket to the baseball

unhitch

under

for the

into that later. I'd like

we'll go

"But

horse

your

I said,with
pitching,"

and

seat

ball

placedmy

tied the horse

the bleachers.

There

work

much

was

be done, and

to

I hired

so

myself

house
gangling colored youngster as a valet. I sent the clubboy out to bring back a kiddy dress with colored
the bleachers,
ribbons. I hid everythingunder
including
a

boy,and joinedthe

the colored

At

the finish of the first game,

pitchingwarm-up
ready to

was

was

flounces

before the

start, I hurried

bleachers. There
it

I put the

I took

were

attractive

around

my

After final instructions

grand

canyon

"

to

atop my

to

my

grandstand.When
away

and

kiddy dress

around
tightfit,especially

brightribbon
the

in time

team

where

was

sneaked
over

my

take practice.

customary,
the game

uniform

the bodice,but
I?

Oh,

the

under

"

the

yes, I tied

curlyhead

and

was

set.

the colored

I climbed
lackey,

into

aged steed.

the stage

Baseball

clowning Through

28

but
hip pocket,

the ribbon around

hair

my

was

sensation.

Lady Godiva pose, crossed my legs,flappedmy

slowlylike an angelabout to ascend,or descend,held
head high which
toward
the distant
pointedmy nose

I struck
arms

my

horizon.

the ball field we

Across
and

to

on

the infield

nimblyto

the

him

with

marched,
the

to

glided,if you will,

or

box.
pitcher's
faithful

ground,tippedmy

fierycharge and

There

flimsygarment
shreds
on

every

to

any

and

time

more

its

he
pitches,

of the

and

ball. And

kiddy

in my

daintyflounces

Smith

to

couldn't hold

laughingthat

was

chalantly
non-

heaves,ripping the

warm-up

tightbodice

I threw

and

arm

called for the ball. Still togged out

dress,I began to take

jumped

lackey,dismissed

of the

wave

hard.

knowing what to expect, the crowd

had remained
silent throughout my
ceremonious
entry.
Suddenly decidingthat here was
something funny, they
loose with waves
of laughter
that lasted all of five minutes.
cut
Then
they cheered and I decided then and there that
I had done more
good than if I had pitcheda no-hit game.
Bewildered,and

Which

I didn't. I

third inning that

"You
As

not

can

day.As

rejointhe

was

"You

haven't

least left the ball game

next

"Clown

even

out

in the

yelled:

the bleachers!"

under

fellow with
got horse

box

of the

Smith
leaving,

horse. He's

a
passedthe bleachers,

bellowed:

The

knocked

was

fog-hornvoice

Your

sense.

before the firstbatter

day a story in the Buffalo Courier

Al Schacht,after havinghad to be

box, could not get by on his own

pitcher's
innings."
easier
But on that day I discovered it was
laugh than it was to retire those hitters.

came

at

nag

up!"

read:

carried

to

the

feet for three

to

make

people

MORNIN',

GOOD

Every

man
straight
umpires began.That

have

must

clown

troubles with

my

started

Buffalo paper
I selected
I wish

as

to

on

and

off

stooges the

my
go

me

IV

JUDGE!

on

career

that's where

Httle blurb in the

and

unfortunately

unsuspectingumpires.

record here that I have

today and have

"boys in blue."

always had the utmost

respect for the
that ball field
Theirs is probablythe toughestjob on
they are the real,unsung heroes of baseball. Cries of "Kill
"

fall on their ears

umpire,"and "Oh you Blind Tom"
almost dailybut they take it all in the stride of their duty.
like Bill Klem, the old arbitrator,
Men
Big Bill Dinneen,
Dolly Stark,Bill McGowan, and all the others,have been
the

and

credit

the national

pastime.
But youthwill have its fling(I can't recall offhand how
I was
^ung out of) and often the poor arbiter
games
many
the victim of my
remarkable brand of humor, which
was
are

to

in its earlier and

rougher stages was not sympathetically

received by the umpire clan. The
result,
was
eventually,
that it cost me
and
a lot of money
to keep them
entertained,
I'llgive them credit for being very considerate of my
ited
limfinances.

fact,when

caughton to my motives,they
theyfinally
of things.
in fining
joinedthe spirit
They took great delight
took
or
me
chasingme out of ball games. One ump even
decided interest in me
and my
used to
He
a
well-being.
thumb
at the slightest
give me the proverbial
provocation,
with the following
explanation:
In

29

Baseball

Clowning Through

30
"I know

you'rea bug

there's still some

while

out

you
I

hot water,

on

the

in

in the showers

water

fortunate

the

lessened

However,

ones.

this

as
considerably

I don't

shower.

want

cold water."

takingrisks by showeringin
must
explainhere that in the

littlehot

kickingyou

I'm

so

old

days,there

and

the first few

my

likingfor

was

very

in

hot

were

water

umpire'sconsideration

for my

health grew.
The

majority of

miseries started with

my

little whisk

broom.

umpire who

fined

me

in for
and

me

think

is

offensive and

in

has

leave

jibesto

annoy

to

the

had

he had

heart,but

at

his broom

it

clubhouse,

thingsbe. I would
him, nothing really

spiritof good

bell which

controlley

clean fun.

is used

for

When
things.

time
calling

worked

Mullens

yank

the bell and

yell

deep falsetto:
'er go,

transfers today."

John. No

other occasions, I would

On

the middle

"How's

restrained

Mullens

in front of
"If I

those

ever

my

have

this

himself
a

dugout and
catch

the guy

I'llfine
things,

was

would

our

turn

to

it,there

time,

my

scream

out:

kid, John?"

afternoon,in

One

By

fellow

I would
therefore,
plate,

the

"Let

It

of

kick, was

to

other similar

practiceand

behind

bad

one

all in the

Every dugout
in

never

all kinds

up

John Mullens, the

balls and strikes,

and
calling

to

since I booted

ever

Schacht

not

was

dollar

ductor before he turned

nine kids. He

that

happened

It

that innocent

him

who

is

as

rings that

bell and

says

and

fate

the limit."

pitchnot
was

long

humanly possible.
of anger, he stepped
moment
shouted :
at me,
lookingdirectly
as

John

clowning

long afterward
Mullens
antics

behind
were

as

the

well

plate.

known

Mornin', Judge!

Good

31

throughoutthe League and the cheers of the crowd always

outdo
led me
to
myself.John, however, who I believe
suspectedthat

his

was

jockey,was
persistent

most

not

an

audience.
appreciative
He

I did

his off
At

the mound

on

stage, I held

one

and
infield,

laugh,but

didn't

using,Mullens

was

old

the craziest

eat

on

has

ump

things.
knees

my

Anything for a
in the
enjoy it. Finally,
grass.

complained about the ball

a
ball,askingfor the
new

batter

tossed

an

got down

to

seem

to

me

pretendedto

Mullens

Even

wrong.

the game,

up

inning,when

seventh

was

guess, but he drove

days,I

in the

fact,particularly
picky this afternoon. Everything

in

was,

me

one.

for it,"I said

"I'll roll you

through the

go

motions

of

and proceededto
playfully,
heated

dice game

with

the

balls.
Mullens

blew

up

completely.

"That," he shouted, his face redder

$5 a roll."
Had
I thoughtback a moment
penalty,I would not have

"will

spur

so

was,

cost

than

ripe tomato,

you

of the moment,

however,

began rollingover
rolling
merrily,and

and

done

what

it seemed

over

there

on

was

ing
kick-

the whisk-broom

to

I did. On

good

sport

to

the

the
me,

ground. There
Mullens,standingover

I got
probablyimagining he was countingfares. When
smirk of pleasure
his face as he yelled:
a
on
up, there was
"That's another I50 you owe
the league."

me,

know

is fun

but

peopledon't have to go to that expense

for it.I rose
brushed
gracefully,
myself off,walked up to
and intoned:
Mullens
belligerently,
I'llhave some.
"You've had your fun, now
You want
to
Fun

who's

been

ringing that

bell every

day. Well,

that

Baseball

Clowning Through

32
littleAlexander.

was

was

So

too.

me

want

transfers

John,no

*Let 'cr go,

kid,'that

You

who's been

know

to

today,and

the middle

how's

tell you

$50 to

there. It's worth

yelling

that."

couldn't

He

I got color-blind.
changedcolors so quickly,
and when
he finally
talk for a few moments,

face

Mullens'

unleashed,it

in

was

baritone:

house.
the clubto
out," he cried,pointingemphatically

"Get

that you

"I'll see

I should

I suppose

rate

I would

was

over,

be

get

have

off for this."

week

let it go

and

my

fines

owing

the

League

fault anyway

own

hoarse

mounting

were

fine,"said

fishing
tripI've

been

such

season

partingshot:

"Now
spitefully.

But
planning.

at

before the

money

but I couldn't refrain from

"That's

all my

that,as it was

at

take that

can

I'llbe back

"

with bells

on."
It all
you

seems

sillyto

so

can't undo

these

as

me

I look

thingsdone

back

this,but

on

thoughtlessly
during a

ball game.

BillyEvans,

who

was

better umpires for quite a

chargeof

few umpires who

got

broke in with

the

Sox

farm

understand

to

Washington

so) from
Evans

spelland

first meeting with

My

career.

Red

the Boston

of the

one

was

behind

Evans

American

League's

was
recently

more

system,

was

one

in

of the

during my

me

came

Senators

in

playing
shortlyafter I
ceedin
1919, fresh (ex-

JerseyCity.
the

platewhen

I made

my

debut

as

playingthe St. Louis Browns

and it was
close game,
a
despitemy presence on the hill.
Going into the seventh,the trouble began.With two out,
third and George Sisler,
that great first baseman
a man
on
We
startingpitcher.

who

was

justcoming

were

into his own,

at

bat. I tossed

over

Mornin', Judge!

Good

that seemed

screwball

33

to

the

cut

of the

center

plate
"

^in

opinion,anyway.

my

"Ball,"declared Evans.
I walked

of the

one

"Pardon

Evans,

to

up

in the

toughestumpires

repeat that for me?

I'm

"but will
quietly,

littlehard

stepping up

to

League.

Evans," I asked

Mr.

me,

busher

young

of

you

hearing."

"Ball,"repeatedEvans.
I, walking back

"Huh," sneered
I put another

ball in the

"Ball two," intoned

My

ire

Again,

was

by

up

I strode up

now.

couldn't have

missed

questionSisler

to

Without

turned

Evans

"When
up

hands
I would

knew

to

inning was

locked

behind

showing

plate,

how

it

asked

I even
plate.

was

the bench

his

change of expression

those present,

among

said

catcher,and
tellGriff

fresh busher

Billytook

over,

calmlyback

Evans
Finally,

shouted:

did
"Gharrity,

you

don't you

to

start

ing
warm-

is going out."

off his chest protector,

legsspreadwide

back, and

burning up.

the

to

watched

to

apart and
see

where

He

dugout.

give Griff

send him

Griff,meanwhile,
was

heroic stance,

the

go.

I walked

"Why

without

me,

even

lous
ridicu-

subject.

This
pitcher.

assumed

of the arm,

the heart of the

go back

another
the

the ball reached

Gharrity,my

to

you

When

the way
sweep

to

indicate that he

to

and with somewhat

the

on

word

Evans

on

dramatic

spot.

same

Evans.

gestures, described

with
finally,

the mound.

to

then
was

my

message?"

I yelledback.
telegram,"
of the

only manager
always one

to

stick up

Senators,
for his

Clowning Through Baseball

34

rightor wrong. He asked Gharritywhat the

players,
and boomed:
was, jumped up angrily
"Nobody's going to run my ball club and tell me
to

that,he raced

With

whom

when."

and

up

warm

trouble

out

everythinghe could
promptlyforgotall about

plateand promptlycalled

the

to

of,and

think

Evans

but

me,

then

Evans

some.

proceededto

kick

Grifl

of the game.

out

to
see
day, after mulling thingsover, I went
he forgave my
then
From
on
and apologized.
Evans
In fact,he
mound.
eccentric action on the pitching
slightly

The

next

began

to

My

arm

forced

kid

go

to

bonesetter

was

seeminglyback

was

once

again behind
and

strolled up

Evans

in

the arm?

"How's

"Look

for

on.

me

bad toward

went

to

lead

and

me

the end

of the year and

chances

on

asked:

How's

the fast ball?"

I bragged,zipping over
yourself,"

good today.With
gettinghit by one

As

knocked

was

I walked

called

to

out

form, it happened that Billy

pitching
I was
the plate.
warming up when

your

of

rightthrough the catcher."

He began puffing
at his chest
I

was

locate the trouble. When

to

"Phew," he retorted,"I'd better blow

real

of the box

back
dejectedly

up

my

smoker.

chest protector

speed,I can't be taking

It might go
your pitches.

protector tube

deliberately.

in the first inning.

toward

the clubhouse,Evans

me:

"Hey, Al, look?"

the chest protector.
deflating
Umpiring is a tough job and a sense of humor helps.Go
find that
through the historyof great umpires and you'll
it was
when
understood ball playersand knew
every one
There

he was,

Clowning Through Baseball

36
One

got

man

went

the

he struck

for all I know

there

and

on

but the ball

out

home

run

"

disappearedand
held up

Shortlyafterward,O'Brien

lead.

our

batter hit

next

hand, crying:

his

called. It looks Hkc

"Game
I

with

nest

other intention than

no

I did

so,

Pickingup

let off

littlepent-up

to

strode

O'Brien

stop."

of hornets.

anythingrash,I heaved

before I did
As

than

madder

was

this rain won't

ball

steam

it into the clouds.

towards

opened his

me,

yellsomething but got no further. A kind wind

his dome, knockinghim flatter
on
plunked the ball squarely
than an
knew
Aunt
what
Jemina pancake.He never
mouth

to

hit him.

him, and

details. He

he

had

were

you

about

of it,

out

came

laughingon
forgottencompletelyabout

Later, at the hotel,I asked

"What

when

collapsedagain from

almost

he

stunned

blow

The

learningthe
me.

him:
say before that

to

raindrophiti

you. Bill?"
"I

about

was

to

fine you

he said,
dollars,"
twenty-five

feelinghis head and laughingagain.

back.
I came
dollars,"
"Only twenty-five
You

now.

the

only punish a playeron

can

it'stoo

"But

late

of the'

scene

crime."
Not

all my

one,

stillmakes

ing,then also
We
team

were

me

which

better than

long as

swell up

member

we

those

with

at

at

and

days took

umpires and

with
actually
co-operated

pride.I

home
well up

with

was

of the International

average

remained

directed

were

playingBaltimore

in
sylvanians
as

tactics

in
incident,
particular

one

zany

Read-'

League.

that afternoon withi

in the

their baseball

good they followed

race.

Penn-

and
seriously
us

regularly.

Mornin', Judge!

Good

off

cheering their heads

37

did. Of

anythingwe

at

course,

their favorite.

was

had

the umpire behind

job but

Orioles and

pitchingagainst the

was

the

doing

not

too

platekept calling

lustily
againstus. The crowd booed more
s each
by. In the sixth,the ump called a
inning went
safe at the plateon an exceptionally
close
Baltimore man
peacefulup to
play,tyingthe score. The fans,reasonably
close

ones

then,let loose

everythingtheycould lay their hands on

^bombarded the field,
and it's a miracle nobody
"

"

mostlybottles
"

hurt.

was

fix

"We'll
wait

tillthis game
know

I don't

only the

fans

hundred

and

he

whether

be

in but the

mixing

of

the

to

with

was

umpire

"It looks

"If you

ever

did

and

these

playersas well,and

my

fare

not

get

to

well in

too

free-

the clubhouse,the

in those

thoughtsin

in between

with

not

pire
um-

would

Someone

days,policeprotection

ball game.

tough,don't

work
lyou'll
I

at

to

I had

was.

that,with

rightfield bleachers.

the

pass

unheard
It

did

thirtypounds

grab him,

to

sure

was

to

arbiter. "Just

but I

scared

was

less notice than

much

for-all.Moreover, in order
had

poor

is over."

begin on

riots

seen

the

you," they yelledat

that I walked

it? That
I

crowd

is pretty mad.

change their

can

umpire

any

good. But

go

If

attitude."

can," he answered, "it will be the first time

an

up

innings and said:

I think

me,

mind

ahead. What

can

you
I

lose?"
I

When

.wound

I walked
up

for
jrarity

out

to

the

and
deliberately

mound

put

me.

Ball,"bellowed

the masked

man.

over

the
a

next

inning, I

perfectstrike,a

The

second

the

Before

walking

and

drank

he

it

Majestically,

yelled

"Strike,"

returned

marched

with

time,

bottle

o"
and

umpire,
Without

bottle.

the

with

the

to

up

called

down.

back

to

to

take

seeming

box.

the

Winding

careful

aim,

in

up
threw

the

grandstand.

the

over

ball,

the

dropped

him

strutted

after

motion

ball

dugout
I

presented

low,

bowing

slow

the

to

Ceremoniously

near-beer.

word,

pitch,

over

threatened.

whisded,

booed,

crowd

Baseball

Througli

Clowning

38

the

"boy

and

blue,"

in

the

tension

was

broken.
The

crowd,

laughed

and

other

pitch

Geisel,

capable
his

life.

who

catching
cheered.

against
today

arbiters,

finally

on

The

us

is

tells

from

one

the

could

ump

then
of

on,

the

story

to

and

this

to

how

of

called

have

this

day,

League's

American

of

bit

Al

Schacht

by-play,
every

Harry
most

saved

DR.

CALLING

From

mental

prospective

medical

John

KILDARE!

1916,but

in

case

and

McGraw

I spent the

all fairness
was

true, but

to

arm.

On

baseball and

never

to

brief

when

the

promising

with

contract

Giants.
but in the

Spring

top of that,justto prove

malaria

and

myselfI

wish

serious business with

series of ailments

My

York

turned Into

of 1915 with Newark

I contracted
versatile,

was

it led

the New

season

of '16 I hurt my

case, I

me

was

suspended.But having been

and

Ferdie

to

as

add

I clowned

me.

on

well. In

that

ing
pitch-

occasion,

down.

chipswere

made

ulcers

that I

useless

to

Newark,

so

pretty fair

pitcherup
that he ought to own
McGraw
to that time, I convinced
and all. I reportedto the
malaria,ulcers,sore arm
me,
Giants the day before they started their stringof twentysix straight
a
victories,
stringthat began on September7th
and lasted throughSeptember30th and is stillthe greatest
winning streak in major leaguehistory.
made good not onlyrubbing
Here I was
a local boy who
and such ball playersas
elbows with the great McGraw
Buck
Herzog, Art Fletcher,George Burns, JeflTessreau,
a

Schupp, but wearing the same

gettingpaid for it.The immortal Matty had
taken

over

the management

of the Cincinnati

uniform
that

same

and
year

Reds.

probablyproudestof all the Giants as theybegan

this streak,
with Schupp,a grinning southpaw,almost unbeatable
during that stretch,and compiling a season's
earned run
average of 0.89,an amazing feat. My sole conI

was

39

Clowning Through Baseball

40

tribution
I

the Giants

to

however,

moral

was

only didn't pitcha singleinning but

not

liftmy

even

that year,

The

arm.

port.
sup-

couldn't

Giants, despitethe victorystring,

finished fourth that year, with

Brooklynwinning the pennant.

should have signedme
earlier.
McGraw
of the finest judges of baseball
McGraw, however, one
have known
what he was
must
talent,
doing when I talked
him
He made
into a Giant contract.
me
pitchto him in
one
battingpractice,and the Little Napoleon,who was
basemen

of the greatest third

fair country

whaled
hitter,

All I could

pitch then

be

could

at

was

Mac
bihties,

but

the

sent

told

was

to

me

to

medical

of

stamp

unusuallylucky,I
the way

down

result of

Matty'shad

to

off

nursed

routine

not

small

the

have
that

I don't

two

workouts

we

trot

to

instead

the

fiddle,
proverbial

mean
a

with

ing
feel-

sociable

"crap"game

onlylosingmy

but
shirt,

dice,unable

raise my

to

bad

along all Spring but

me

didn't agree

and

"

possi-

some

and
In high spirits
approval.

got into

camp,

shaking the

McGraw

prove

shape and when

get into

fit as

as

was

to

followingmorning. I reportedwith

the

season

trainingcamp

osteopathall Winter,

an

head

my

Spring rolled around,

a

to

report

the

psychiatrist.

nearest

worked
really

with

that

Springs,Texas, the followingSpring. To

Marlin

to

the lot.
even

only finished

not

that he stillthoughtthis protege of

of

pretty

over

slow ball,and

of that,I
strength

the Giants

with

ball all

slow

my

and

disputed.

the

On

of his time

me.

Mac

horses. It

was

day morning
"

park each morning

and

from

as

arm

arm.

his strict training

a

bug

ting
trot-

on

his rule that

was

on

afternoon
the

"

we

^and

hotel,miles

Kildare!

Calling Dr.
After

away.

had

rebelled.

to

of

out
stuffing

and

me

bawled
and

"

and

thirty,I

sneakinghitch-hikes

of

however, caught

day

one

hundred

I discovered
weight.When
veloped
ghost-like
proportions,I de-

to

habit
pleasant

forth. McGraw,

"One

down

circle it. After

to

the hotel.

to

lose much

to

myself shimmering

wagon

back

trot

Weighing only

couldn't afford

the

had

reachingthe park, we

we
practice,

41

what

how

and
of

left of the

was

could

Mac

the back

on

me

back

living

bawl.

to him
day of this,"I complainedbitterly
off the street
be picking me
in
they'll

more

defense,"and

in
a

shovel."
Mac
he had
the

of humor.

sense

where

park

but

it

had

to

taskmaster

stern

was

We

trained,and

we

fortunate

was

for

take hot salt baths

me

at

afternoon, while

one

bathing.Art Fletcher,who at the time was one

reluctantly
ball player
of the game's finest shortstopsa gaunt, fighting
"

with

penchant for practical

jokes off

into

over

cold

The

water.

when

and

compartment

my

salt

warm

the cold

hit

water

was

me.

hit

the
with

me

leaned

field
"

bucket

of

well-soaked into my

system

screeched,lay down

on

floor and
Ten

Maker.
preparedto meet
my
minutes later,
seekingvengeance,

the

in which

compartment

and

away,
ice. Schacht

There
was

not

was

Fletcher's. It

screaming his
did

bucket

them

one

loud bellow but

Shiveringall
"Who

in

alwayswent

Mac

head

off.

that?"

he

I stood there

to

belongedto

over,

went

thought Fletcher

heaved

was

of ice-cold

to

over

the

salting
happily
water

"

^with

better.
my

the voice

amazement

McGraw.

charged

of

out

the

shower,

roared.

dumbfounded,

empty

pail
"

the circumstan-

Clowning Through Baseball

42
tial evidence

in hand.

"

the train home

on

As

o"

matter

fact,I

had

one

foot

already.

him the assault was

meant
telling
Meekly, I apologized,
that I was
for Fletcher,and waited for the verbal blasting
would

sure

follow.
throw

"If you

can

can

throw

you

Mac
baseball,"

bucket

ball club. There's

of water,

nothing wrong

"If I got

pitchto

the

Fletcher

To
one

this

was

too

job

job on

you've got

with

arm."

your

this

THAt

strain

"like
instead,

OlO

VIHO

The

boomed

.'.

in relief.
collapsed
club,"I muttered
weakly,"I'd

great. I

on

this

rightguy."

I mustered

my

strengthto give

dirtylook.
day, Fletch,who

has

of the best third-base coaches

about

the

since gone

on

to

become

in baseball with the New

bucket-beaning.
I should have kept my foot on the train. The onlything
that preventedme
from gettingthe job with the Giants,
stillsuffering
from dicitis.
was
arm,
my

York

Yankees, ribs

me

Clowning Through Baseball

44

pitcherSchacht?"
quietedhim down a bit

Doolan

learned that there

ladyin

some

Rochester

claimed

I had

sheriff

the ninth

In

to

While
toward

the ball

of my

homered

was

emerged
in

me

for

out

innings I
ever,
twelfth,howin the first

me

the fence.

pitchesover

irate Doolan

bellowed

and

sent

two

the
off

an
traveling,

arm,

taken

for

into

sucker

again

been

had

Going
had

who

stiU

was

later,as

hiding.

tied and

own.

grabbed my

me,

ably
prob-

most

what
admittingindirectly

I'd been

was

my

plantedanother

game

his

score

guy

back

nightcap,Doolan

of the

pinch hitter. The

miraculouslyheld
same

used offensive language

had. Safe for the nonce,

"mop up" for the pitcherwho

the

that

arrest;

(She was

come

also

game,

the locker in which

from

questioning

fan.)

staffwe
pitching

poor

after

for my

out

locked away.

me

for the second

needed

to

seat

told the

Mickey
a

box

and

warrant

was

wanted

and
a

he shouted.

is that

"Where

at

rushed

the top

of

lungs:
that sheriflf.?
You

"Where's
I don't

can

have him

and

keep him.

him."

want

My adventures in Rochester
over-ripevegetablesthat were
I believe
pitched.
for baseball

bore

thrown

instrumental

was

fruit besides the

some

in

my

when

way

savingPep Young

switchinghim from third base, where

he was
he
where
to the outfield,
justa mediocre iniielder,
earned immortality.
roommate
at Rochester.
Pep was
my
He was
ball player,
a fiery
moody over his failure at third
which
my

he

had

resulted

return
was

warming

and

to

the

going
a

his

being benched.

hotel,I caught him

home

bench

in

to

for

One

night,on
told

packing.He

Sherman, Texas,

anybody.I argued

that he
with

him

me

wasn't
and

Kildarel

Calling Dr.

him

talked
finally
in bad

ball and

o" it by

out

by quitting.
next
day,two of

The

shoulder

the side lines with

on

he'd get himself

him
telling

outfielders collided going after

our

suffered

one

was

45

fielder
oututility

injury.Our

ankle,so

bad

replacement.
experienced
"Who
can
play the outfield?" yelledDoolan.
"Young," I shouted,knowing well that Pep
playedanywhere but third.

without

left field. The

to

went

switched

right.Pep Young

to

he

followingyear

greatest

rightfielder the
all,cried

of them

littleAl,

mighty

horse

in the game.

of the

There

be

may

The

is 1924

year

of the Eastern
Griffith. Here
veteran

as

and

League,
I

passing.

to

back

was

York

only 29,

was

first basemen
scouts

before

I did

up

result of countless

my

been

sent

I did all

with

in

to

them

toss

rightfor

the aid of my

up

alreadya

Clark

broken-down
still listed

I was
injuries.

my
one

time

day,

againstHartford.

while. Control
manager,

club

by

sent

was

but

Haven

of
however, althoughI spent most
pitcher,
clowning on the third-base coaching Hnes, and

as

who

stake.

the New

I had
but

who

Yankees

few Yankee

with

where

Gehrig,

discovered Lou

claim the distinction of spottingLou

substantial evidence

the

agers
cussingestman-

of his

news

the New

of

as

and

had.

ever
one

the

at

was

rightfield. The

of the greatest hitters and

one

he

regularrightfielder

who
incidentally,

iron

proved himself

left

never

Giants

Stern, tough John McGraw,

have

never

in 1927, established himself

untimelydeath

the

had

afternoon

next

the Giants'

was

until his

was

were

any

Young

It

we

was

all I had

Clyde Milan, I

was

leftand
able

to

clowning Through

46
get

the

by pitchingto

batters' weaknesses.
and

firstattempt againstHartford
Httle

being new

Baseball

This
in the

was

my

League,

earlyinning, however, up
kid,swinging a bat as nonchalantly
comes
a big,raw-boned
all awed by the fact that he was
as
you pleaseand not at
facinga former major leaguehurler.
I needed

help. In

an

C Kid MAMtt"
OEKRIG"?
TW' 6AUL/

As

this kid

McBride,
"What

our

strolled into the batter's box, I turned

and
shortstop,

shall I throw

to

asked:

this

guy? Is he a good hitter?"

"Fair,fair,"
"Justpitchto him
says McBride, soothingly.
high and inside and he'll be a pipe for you."
the ball
I pitchedhigh and inside and the next
moment
was
high and outside rightoutside the park for the longest
"

home
and

run

anyone

I have

ever

who

The

disputes
my

Gehrig after readingthis

misrepresentation.

seen.

ball
claims

sad narrative

must

ing
stillbe travel-

Lou
discovering
should be jailed
for
to

THE

UNKNOWN

SOLDIER

NiNETEEN-EiGHTEEN
the World

and
The

and

"

regular
pennant

baseball'sgreat
of

fatcful year in the

3.

"

marching

the call
races

and

Braves

That

Red

Boston

Sox

to

winning
scoreless
was

hit

and

the

And

their last pennant

two

games

innings.Not

But

I don't wish
at

the World-

pitcher
by the
helped pitchthe
World's

pionship,
cham-

tive
hurlingsixteen consecusinglehome run, incidentally,

between

the Red

Private Alexander

the
won
Corporal,
that's a long story

without

War

Sox

Schacht,
a
firing

"

to

appear

this late stage but

American

great catcher

with

and

later promoted to

singleshot.

file

and

the year when

was

and

rank

left-handed

during the six-game series

Chicago Cubs.

that

of

leaguerto
of
long parade,some

(Babe) Ruth

Herman

George

many

back.

come

also the year when

was

of

name

not

too.
baseball,

short and

coach

ica
Amer-

the first major

"

did

hit

joinedthe
Gowdy, a

now

champion Cincinnati Reds, was

enter
militaryservice first of
whom

o"
history

arms

cut

were

Hank

Lanky

with the Boston

to

of the time

names

men.

VI

boastful and

I do

uniform, the

claimingcredit

that before

know

Allies

start

were

on

the

I donned

an

losingside.

gladlyhave volunteered but I was drafted before I

could say a singleword. And
have had the stuff
I must
because even
when
deaf and
theydiscovered I was slightly
had no
business in the army, they refused to turn
me

would

away.
47

Clowning Through Baseball

48
Of

incidental details had

few

course,

with all this. It

was

fortune that

my

somethingto do
'
the day I reported

on

for my

examination
at Fort Slocum, New
Rochelle,
physical
N. Y., there was
uled
scheda
championshipbaseball game
Fort Slocum
station and
to
was
a
on.
clearing
go
though I was slated for Fort Hancock, Ga., they did not
all the way down
dare risk shipping
a frailbody like mine
South before checkingup on my health.
I am
probablythe only guy ever drafted who reported
,

for examination

with

tell my

that I

was

going

her I

was

joiningthe

mother

merely told

Nice

work, if you

so

On

the way

the Second
nized

imagined.He

that afternoon

and

and
Flattered,
in the army,
"

medical

Company

be

'T would

corps

me

your
test

team.
to

But

about the game

me

pitchfor

visioninga

graciously
replied:
friend,to
a pleasure,
my

medical

I'm

his

life of

lend my

not

soldier

out

team.
ease

meager

soldier yet. I

pass."

"That's swell,Al. We'll make

lad in khaki

widespreadthan

more

would
time

same

passed

of the soldiers recog^

immediatelytold
the

at

to

army

fight,
play ball.
to

for examination, I

quarters. One

asked

pitchingtalents to
stillhave

into the army

get it.

can

to

his hand. I couldn't

bag in

was
My fame, apparently,

me.

even

baseball

of

you," the

said.

ushered me
into the medical oflBce.That
immediately
The
At i o'clock sharp I was
at 12:30 sharp.
was
rejected.
said:
doc, testingmy hearing,
"Repeat after me
Sixty-nine."
I repeated.
"Fifty-five,"
He

"

"You're

out," declared the medico.

"Next

mental

case."

brought me

"Don't

tellme

with the

word

soldier

went

immediatelyto
waved

me

It reminded
which
the

At

one

game,

1:45

yet.

sergeant."

of

me

have

was

sharp I

Said the doc:

office where

only a

sad

he

few

pany
Com-

details,went

thing
whisperedsome-

before had

minutes

of the army.

would
but

who

the Second

to
straight

learningthe

on

the medical

doctor

out

headed

who

commander,
the

into the army

you

enough alone,I said to myself.

the sergeant, however, and after a

to

brief confab,the sarge

to

littledeaf?" he said.

were

leave well

should

They

you

Al, ole boy.We'll get

worry,

Wait '111 have

The

in

didn't you

"Why

49

by the turn of events, the soldier who

pattedmy back encouragingly.

amazed

Somewhat
had

Soldier

Unknown

The

was

umpire's

an

the

honor

conference

of

heaving me

duly impressed with

called back

for

to

my

second

decide
of

out
own

portance
im-

tion.
examina-

Clowning Through Baseball

50
and

"Repeat after me/'

suddenly he

shouted

the top

at

of his

lungs:
"Sixty-nine."
If I had

as

had

before,but

Grinning

sense,

any

I didn't

like

want

I would

have

said

them

think

to

chest thrown

jackass,
my

"Fifty-five"
that deaf.

was

proudly,I

out

peated:
re-

"Sixty-nine."
elation followed. I had

Wild

passeda

difficulttest.

most

the sergeant, the company

commander, even
soldier,
back and pumped my
the doctor,slappedmy
gratulating
hand, con-

The

successful entry into

on
heartily
my
sharp,therefore.Private Al Schacht

me

At

army.

2:30

pitchingfor
We

If
or

to

won,

had

we

the Second

lost,I'd probablyhave

false pretenses. But

There

was

however.

The

for Fort

Hancock

season

army

with

and

to

learned

his dreams

again. The

motion
an

set

order

marked

great student

that the

Second
were

morale

of human
of the

Company,
sent

nature,

entire Fort,

would

elsewhere.

be

of the first

nine

I
of

the

innings

ticketed

was
an

unbeaten

highlyefficient

War

credit

under

army

Department

"URGENT"

again,

of triumph,

mediatelyinformed that Private Alexander

needed badly at Fort Slocum, that he was
a

pany.
Com-

out

virtue

moment

my

before his eyes, he

machinery in

Washington, in

in

by

commander

company

blowing up

hero

of sadness

touch

was

pitchedsince hurhng
John McGraw.

battingpracticefor

of

kicked

been

for getting into the

here I

I had

complete game

Sixth

was

I.

court-martialed

even

againstthe

Company

the

im-

was

Schacht
a

to

born

wasi

leader,
,

the Fort

that
especially

completelyshattered

and I

of the;
if he

Clowning Through Baseball

52

hear any

buglecall.Anyway,

awfullytired. I pitched

was

innings,you know."

nine

I winked

back.

didn't wink

He

oflF a

blow

"We'll

him.

at
slyly

few

he blazed instead. "Your

Don't
discipline.

army

balls for you

cannon

tomorrow,"

doesn't exclude you

pitching
let it happen again.Report to

from
your

company."
I

reported.

They told

look

to

me

at

the bulletin board for my

ment.
assign-

I looked.
"Private

Al

Schacht,"the bulletin board read, "Kitchen

duty."
I said

"The
Commander
was
myself.
onlyputting
likes me.
Kitchen
act. He
on
an
really
duty ^that'sfor
A placewith plentyof food."
me.
GleefullyI scampered off to the kitchen,where there

"Aha,"

to

"

was

I like potatoes
plentyof food ^but not for me. Now
recommend
them to everybody,
but peeling
heartily
"

and

them

mused

as

grudginglyskinned

immediatelyfor
a

story. That's

is another

serious mistake

"Sarge,"I

pal,the

my
in

no

he

treat

hero, I

the

lowly spud, so I
certain
sergeant, feeling

assignmentshad been

said when

reportedto

be working
pitcherHke me
of my
I might hurt one
potatoes?

"tar

potato, then what

would

Second

I insist that you

Company?

to

way

happen

in

that

made.

me,

the

sent

"why
kitchen

must

peeling

pitchingfingerson

to

the titlehopes of the

this
rectify

sad situation

immediately."
"Sonny boy,"repliedthe Sarge,my pal,"you'relucky
they haven't put you on peelingonions and you will be if

Soldier

Unknown

The

don't

you

trap shut. The

keep your

of kitchen

out

53

duty is

only way

become

to

get

can

you

non-commissioned

officer."
"How

can

thousand

couple of

while

"That's

I'd like

what

assure

plained,
com-

I like

you

fate,decidingagainstwritingmy

happened. About

thoughthe

was

Sixth Company,
a

month

later,my

commander

who

was

also

thought he

if

even

theyhad

that I look back

it,I have

on

never

ball-

hundred

pitchthe

to

be carried ofF

to

of the

quite a

side bet of
had

who

commander,

challengedthe
pitcher,

They put up a
that each
stipulation

the

game

gressman,
Con-

be rewarded.

stoic attitude would

game.

dollars with

Now

war," I

myself."

acceptedmy

heaver, to

the

know," confessed the Sarge. "I

to

certain that my
It

from

away

i" he's

here

here."

like it here
I

miles

around

adding hastily,
"althoughI

much

it very

promoted

get

guy

plete
com-

the finish.

at

met

braver

two

men.

of this game,

the time

At

I stationed

the

team.

my

had
versatility

As

have

I would

Before the

armor.

it

was

myselfat

I known

"

for me,

start

undisputedcaptainof

was

second

what

been

I called
classic,

since

the

overweight,tipping the
slightly

two

hundred

to

bunt every

them
and

sixtypounds, I

pitchfor

at
straight

the

beam

my

sprightly
stalwarts

"

was

suit of

commander

at

instructed

store

conference.

opposing

the first three innings and

All
pitcher.

prove

the future held in

was

and

base,readyto

there fortified with

of the

day, and

hot

to

bunt

stillfair then,in love

war.

From

the

start

it

was

battle. We
tightpitchers'

went

Clowning Through Baseball

54

fourth

the

into

to
safety,

giving

touchdowns
and
inning leadingtwo
touchdowns, with the opposing commander

two

finest imitation

the

trying to throw

baseball.

doing too badly,either.

Meanwhile, the fielders
first-hand instruction
^how

"

times

many

better,I

i6. Those

receiving

were

of army
principles
I didn't have

poor

looked

and
almost

guy

do

"How

have

was

ing
train-

so

many

elevator. Had

an

you

put

stayeddown.
stillhad

margin, i8

two-run

mighty big but

gettinga littleblue around

commander

(The

teams

wasn't

saw

the

mander
com-

my

and
gills

flappinglimply againsthis sides after

called for strategy. Calling
time, I walked

were

This
pitch.
my

thought I

sixth,we

runs

was

arms

would

into the

Going
to

drunk

"

so

known

both

on

of

seen

commander

own

the basic

on

ever

second,I covered plentyof ground agoingup and

assists at
down

My

bullets. While

duck

to

I have

arm

my

around

when
collapsed

his

I touched

his

every
up

to

shoulder.

him.)

I asked by
feel,Cappy, ole boy.f*"

way

of

encouragement.
"All

in," he gasped,"but

it kills me.
I

head

Just continue

kept up

I'll outlast that other guy

giving me

chatter
rapid-fire

that fine

from

then

if

support.'*

on,

yellingmy

off.

Cappy, ole boy,"I would

shout

as

that

bad

flopped
face to dodge a hit liner over
second. "Cappy, you
on
my
look like a million. Matty had nothingon you. Whip 'er in
there,Cappy boy.They can't touch you."
A burning grounder whizzed
then,and I added
past me
to myself:
"Come

"Whew,
France."

on,

that

was

close. It can't be

over

in

Soldier

Unknown

The

By

miracle,we

some

the comfortable

by

55
into the ninth

went

margin o"

25

to

24. The

still leading

"

lack of scoring

tired from
explainedby the fact that the playerswere
in
practically
running around the bases. With the game
Before you could say
the bag, trouble loomed, however.
is

the bases

Schacht,the oppositionhad

AI

natural for

out.

loaded,with

but it didn't look

me

good

so

none

for my

commander.
The

batter

next

George Twombley, who

was

outfielder with the Boston

an

him.

With

mind

my

on

This

through this

hastened

and

game

that it

as

and

game

from

even

creak every time

arm

commander)

into anything

I halted the

won,

the side of my

to

called for fast work

hear his

I could talk

"

company

battered

he lifted it with

indications

momentarily.
might fall off altogether

emphasis,"you'rethe gamest
this game
you'llprove to me
them

I've

seen

best

days.Now

As

all
go

guy

ahead

and show
Give

team.

fast
a
strictly

less effort he put in

to

put

even

gettingkilled by

threw

Johnson

Twombley

the catcher.

in their

I'llnever

and

win

and
pitcher,

great

this guy

of fact,every ball Gappy threw

matter

figuredthe
He

me

If you

saw.

and

back in

pitch

slow, low

ball hitter."

of them

of

ever

you'rea

ball. Some

had

includingMatty

for this

game
He's

curve.

pitcher.

second base I could

from slapping
his
"Gappy,"I declared,refraining

another

only

against

was

escapingkitchen duty

Gappy (remember,he's my
if he lived

of averages

be

to

had

Twombley

Braves.

the law

hits thus far,so

gotten nine

used

slow ball
a

to

pitchthe

was

slow

shame,

and

less chance

I
we

line drive.

slow

curve

and

Twombley

fouled

clowning Through Baseball

56
I jumped
Immediately,

"Cappy, that
Only

Fate, o"

course,

batter hit

go

old

now,

the

this guy
had

terrificline drive

justin

time

to

save

into the

What

out

box, shouting:

control

"

stuff.

what

I'm
boy.As a pitcher
same
thing."

nothingto

in his effort to get

and
it

to

class.Give

in your

marvelous.

was

more

one

back

it,but the

do with

not

next

man
straightat the third baseo" its way,

the guy

caught

Cappy's life.

'-oS^

Ah,
the
he

I called
victory joyfully

sweet

"

my

team

surround

to

Gappy. We pickedhim off the ground, where

gallant
and carried him off the field as
was
blissfully
reclining,

conqueringhero

befits a

his quarters any

cot, and

"From

The
board:

other way. Gently,

we
alone with him.

the second

seemed
next

^he couldn't have

gotten back

laid him

out

on," I orated,"you'rethe pitcher

on

now

club. I'm
He

was

"

on

to

his

this ball

baseman."

happy.
unconsciously

day there

was

notice

on

the company

bulletin

Soldier

Unknown

The

57

Class

First

"Private

immediately,"
If

again,
army.

weeks.

could

have

there's
The

no

poor

Schacht

signed
gotten

telling

promoted

hov^

out

far

fellov^^, however,

Corporal,

tive
effec-

X.

Captain
him

to

to

the

could

couldn't

pitcher's
have
lift

mound
in

gone

his

arm

this

for

VH

SCREWLOOSE

THE

ON

One

would

cure

me

DIAMOND

that

think

of

bad

case

year of war,

of

and

would
goofiness,

but alas. When

the serious side of life,
baseball with

and
it

the

was

same

would
fighting,
put

me

more

I returned

on

zation
civili-

to

the

old

JerseyCity Skeeters in
Schacht,but more
daring and

on

my

1919,

with

finesse.

more

Looking
to

occurs

Anyway,

why

back

that I was,

me

certain

International

advance

can

thingswere

perhaps,a

League

bit of

reasonable

no

done.

They

career,

mental

it

case.

explanationas

to

done, that's all,

were

and I'm stillhere,ain't I?

I had

lot of fun in the

littlepitching
on
stillcall

who

but I

me

did a
League,and incidentally,

the side. There

the "world's

my
seven,

record

out"

pitcherof
that

"

"

estabHshed

in

1919

as

by

but

around

all time,"

hitter I may

got

never

singleduringmy entire career

If you'll
to your
turn
pitching.
paragraphnine, line three,you
for pitching
the most
shutouts

League is 10,
JerseyCity.

lot of guys

worst

I'lladmit
deny everything.

have been the "Ail-American

than

are

hit

longer

theycan't

record
will

der
slan-

books, page

note

that the

in the International
one

Al

Schacht,of

not
onlyfor me but for a young
symbolic
infielder named
StanleyRaymond Harris, with Buffalo.
Harris,nicknamed Bucky, was sold to Washington for the
named
then largesum
of $4,000.
In 1924, Bucky Harris was

That

manager

year

was

of the Senators and

led them
58

to

their firstpennant

Clowning Through Baseball

6o

pitchingthe
off you."
didn't miss by

You're
runs

He

always took
they kept up
"Take

great

they make

enjoying

was

million

that.

at

runs

many

crowd, however,

The

if

entire game

plight.They

my

and

delightin ribbingme,

steadybarrage.
bum
out," they yelled,
among

this time

the

other less complimentary

expressions.
I determined
down

to

to

real

some

limit. In the

hands

it'smy

turn

but do

not

With

to

batter hit my

"Ladies
There

back

went

Buffalo
"

not

tied,so

was

out

swaggered back

"

plate,I cupped 1
in mind, orated:
yellingat

but since you

bases

are

loaded

me

all !

insist,{

again,

of this hole."
to

of the

the

mound.

park

for

The
a

home

next
run.

runners

on

after this

the bases

example

of

to

about

worry

now."

capitalpunishment, I

supportingthe League. I was pitchingagainst

afternoon,and in the ninth,reached first base
hit,of course, but on a base on balls.The score

to

one

on

I will get

I steppedforth again.
plate,
gentlemen,"I shouted, "I kept my word.

no

long

Not

something.The

againstus, and

"

been

stay around

the

crossed the

and

are

to

first pitchout

the last man

As

say

worry.

that

have

to

again. Seeking

"

the

to

definite idea

gentlemen.You

don't have

You

game.

any

loaded

were

arm

weary
to

19

Stepping up

without

and

"Ladies

stood

score

it,the bases

and

[|
hecklingby settling

the

to

pitching,
pressingmy

called time.

I
respite,

end

an

eighth,the

before I knew

my

put

meant

the winning

run

if somebody could get

home.

me

In

The

my

usual

reckless

I
style,

took

pitcherwhirled, threw the ball to

former major leaguerplayingfirst for

long

lead off first.

Hooks
the

Wiltse, a

Bisons.

Awk-,,

Screwloose

the Diamond

on

wardly,I dived back

The
humanly possible.
in the back
him
it

as

throw

low

was

into the

I rolled
Accidentally,

over.

and

dust

is

as

the ball hit

me

bag,and Wiltse,knocking
the ball,and felt
over
on

hip pocket.Without

againstmy

much

first,
raisingas

to

bumped

6i

much

too

thought,I
pocket,rose,

into the convenient

pellet
and looked around.
dusted myself ofl nonchalantly,
Hooks, meanwhile, seeingno ball nearby,figuredit must
have gone past first toward the grandstand,and with his
team-mates
shoutingfor the missing"apple"all at once, he

whipped

dashed

idle

the

in

away

I started for

lookingfor
third.
and

the

the

blazed

dustingroutine, and

littleball that wasn't

and

Legs

futile search. Without

hesitation,

in gracefully.
second,sliding
Again

through

went

mad,

arms

for

away

with

I got up,

everybody

there,streaked

I rounded
churningfeverishly,
into the platein a
home, sliding

for

third
cloud

of dust.
"We

win,

to John O'Brien,
win," I shouted gleefully

we

the umpire.
"Oh

yeah?" sneered O'Brien, "What

His

accusing fingerpointed to

by

feet. Quicker than

my

for my

I reached
it dawned

on

horsehide

"Aw,
"I'm
And

out
was

any

the

two-gun

hip pocket.There
that

me

my

this?"
ball

restingcalmly
alive,or

man

was

dead,

ball there,and

no

final slide had

bounced

the

of my

pocket and into the open.

I said sheepishly.
only fooling,"

not," roared

I'm

going to
it'llprobablycost

O'Brien.
report you

you

"You're
to

out

President

for interference.

O'Toole, where

bucks."
fifty

It did.
That

was

entertainment

the last time

on

it

ever

ball field,and

cost

me

any

three years

money

later,as

for
a

clowning Through

62
member

of the

Baseball

Reading club,somebody else paid for

my

fun.

by this time reached a

pointwhere fans no longerthought of me as a pitcherand
of a pitcherthen. I had
tell the truth,I wasn't much
to
up to the Washington Senators in 1919 with fond
gone
the immortal
Walter Johnson,
dreams of one
day replacing
but all my
completely
major leaguestardom fancies were
My

reputationas

shattered

when

Reading in

hurt

pitcher,although I
There

couldn't beat
in view

had

shoulder

my

and

to

sent

was

1922.

joined Reading

mound.

clown

was

and

me

did

as

more

do

an

only

one

that

was

and

clown

than

occasional

chore

on

coach

team

in

the

the

league that

Baltimore,a strange thing

of the fact that the Orioles had started winning the

International

League flagin

1919 and

won

in

seven

row

through 1925.
In 1922, the Orioles had

besides others,
a

pretty fair ball club.

named
coupleof pitchers

and
Jack Bentley,

an

infield combination

They had,

Lefty Grove
of Max

and

Bishop

Screwloose

long

not

were

teams

to

ever

afterward

I consider

what

that

Athletics,
was
Philadelphia

the

Chippewa

good

on

Indian

slated

the bull pen

put

to

of
pitchers

fate decreed

shovel for

that my

second

had

club. With

day

done

was

were

I got I

Just when

bitter enemies

"jockeyed"him

gave

it looked

as

me

the

sign to

come

men

to

in and

through,

returned

to

the
But

over.

Parnham, then

other
an-

Gordonier.

ham
Parn-

and
field,

every

death. The

to

on

in

innings,I

I got

the

on

fact that he

any.

if there would

three
proverbial

remain

to

good day'swork.

Rube

the Orioles got

services,

the

with

the cheers of the

far from

began with

game

temperamentaldidn't helphim

With

on

"rocket" baseball for

ten-cent

standout Oriole hurler,againstour

for my

was

all time

between

calls. In

bull pen, satisfiedthat I had

was

park

peak by far,but
figureand could still

huge gatheringringingin my ears when

I put the phony ball in my
pocket and

chance

Bender, the

past his

pitchthat day but

golfskit,using a

and

pulled

star, would

Chief

the Baltimore

colorful

was

for emergency

golfball,and

The

in 1923.

game.

not

was

when

Baltimore

manager

of the greatest

the

hurl

Baltimore

at

Bentley,the

pitchthe firstgame againstour

of
crowd in the history
largest
hand. Bender, one

the Giants

to

delphia
Phila-

Mack's

clowning masterpiece.There
afternoon,and since it
particular

that

advertised

had been

of Connie

greatest

all-time

my

double-header

was

Orioles

of the

one

on

Bentleywent

playingthe

were

keymen

the uniform

wear

Athletics,and
We

63

Joe Boley at short. Grove, Bishop and Boley

and

second

at

the Diamond

on

be

no

Gordonier

bases,none

further need
in the fifth.
out, Bender

stop the Orioles.

Clowning Through Baseball

64

at
home, I approached the mound.
Perfectly
licorice I used to
into my
hip pocketfor some
ball an act legalin those days and there was
"

"

I reached

discolor the

the

ten-cent

"rocket."
Ah

How

temptation
"

foughtagainstit.But

(I hope). Before

human

I could

put

up

too

only

was

much

of

the box, calmly

decision. I walked
I made
to
fight,
my
ball,turned my back to the grandpickedup the regulation
stand
and while pretendingto give the ball a good rub
tion
down, slippedit into my shirt. Then, sizingup the situaand making sure
the bases were
well occupied,
I called
catcher for

my

and

I'm

going

up and

Joe,

solemnlyreturned

never

face

to

caught the ball

on

blow

have

that would

I warned,
life,"

fast balls. I've got

me.

zippeda pitchdown

them.

your

phony

"And

ball here

stop these birds."

to

the first hitter

was

value

you

nothing but
that I

With

conference.

laugh if

"Don't

call for

to

the mound.

the middle, where

with

snout

wound

Ceremoniously,I

terrific hitter but

the

Joe Boley

Boley liked

still pretty

tremendous

good,

force

"

ball into the next ;

regulation
^but the "rocket" flew weirdly across
the infield,
county
hands for an easy out.
finally
ploppinginto the shortstop's
after a put-out do not
It was
my fortune that ball players
rightback to me, a little
stop to inspectthe ball. It came
I massaged it back into shape and looked
lopsidednow.
batter ^Lena Styles.
I pretendedto turn
at the next
sternly
down
few signals
from my catcher,then, winding up in
a
dead-center.
another
slow motion, threw
Styleshit it
The third baseman
caught it on the flyfor the
squarely.
sent

the

"

"

second

out.

Happily, I

waved

to

the

crowd.

The

ball looked

like

Screwloose
now
goulash
The
shape.

What

the Diamond

on

I got it into throwing

rubbing,
Parnham.
my arch-enemy,
spot for completevengeance.

but with hard

next

batter

was

what
setting"

and who
this,

Fate herselfhad ordained

?
destiny
I swaggeredup

to

65

am

to

question

Rube.

don't you leave that bat on the bench?" I taunted.

"It won't do you any good up here at the plate."
with a glance.
killed me
Parnham

"Why

"Throw
I'llknock

the ball

anywherenear

it down

your

is that nice,"I

"Now

what you

throat."

snappedback,"How

can

you

hit

can't see?"

to irk the irked

Slowly,
box. Like
to the pitcher's

wound

me," he sneered,"and

up and fooled even

Parnham
a

more,

even

windmill in

myselfwith

my

I returned

fast
next

breeze,I
overt

act.

Clowning Through

66
I tossed the ball up

back

his

on

smirk

haunches, a

from

swung

Parnham

to

his

Like

Rube

pleasureon

his face. He

"

hero, turned

nected.
con-

"

the ball in

watch

to

effort and

off for firstand

was

reared

underhand.

shoestringsa mighty

streak he

of

Baseball

Hke

the

quering
con-

He
flight.

got

brief

glimpse of something egg-shapedbecause the

chased him to first,
practically
doing a few intricate

only a
ball
dance

steps

and

its way,

on

myselfcaught it for

the final

out.

Beaming,
I
But

him

Parnham

"

being starved

^he

was

for

week.

the steak but Parnham

Bill McGowan,

toward
"Make

'im show

Meanwhile,

you

McGowan

there

was

and

umpire, he

the

ball,""Make
a

'im show

around

to

it."

retrievingthe
part of

the back

Arbiter

another,however.

get

greet me,

the

along with

Boleyand Stylestakingup

with

steak

screamed:

littletrouble

its way

to

the bench.

gladlyhave given
fish instead. Rushing

the

I could

to

I would

smelled

worked

shirt. Before

Parnham,

evidence,
incriminating

a
roaringtigersmelling

having

was

ball. It had

good
my

get rid of the

to

back
alreadyambling innocently

was

not

after

anxious

raving

the cry of

trickery.
who

McGowan,
since become

one

went

of the

League, had
no

way

the

out, with

ten-cent

and

to

the

the old

"rocket"

always been

jigup,
to

over

all

to

deep

has

in the American

I rolled what

of

remained

placebefore

firm believer in the

it got there.

theorythat

waiting for

Gowan
Mc-

look
a
spoke up innocently,
spreadingover my face:

lace into me,

astonishment

and

call for the ball. With

great defense is the best offense. Without

to

in 1924

him, the thinghopping,skipping

the

over
a

majors

outstandingumpires

choice but

no

jumping

I have

up

of

clowning Through Baseball

^g

ing
began my wind-up,I went to my shirt again,fidgetabout as i" I were
lookingfor something.
Parnham
immediatelysteppedout of the batter's box.
I

As

"Just a minute,"
he cried: "Lemme

Shrugging

slowlyas
the

my

see

when
sheepish

me,

that ball!"

shoulders, I rolled the ball

looked

to

he

him

to

as

it

saw

was

pellet.
regulation

there

is

had

that I recall it,it

measures.

there

admirable

an

determined

more

He

moment.

But

was

he would

set

cruel of

was

and
quality,
Rube

than

man

his heart

me

on

to

continue

fouled off my
thoughtin my mind"

now,

swing

at

never

my

first two
to

at

hit and

thei
nowi

taunting:

pitches,;

strike him

and certain that Parnham

even
anything,

was

Parnham

gettinga

after Rube

onlyone
finish.
a
perfect
Reallyserious by

mad

and

McGowan,

to

that ball! Lemme

see

I could. He

Determination

"

shouted

he

was

out:

so'

if I threw it behind

Screwloose
back,

his
of

When
it

let

and

look

with

McGowan,
Parnham

It

an

on

was

him

for

day

it,

spent.

ball

the

to

one

Rube,"

it

justice,

of

picked

teased.

control

plastered
out

box,

Parnham.

to

threw

in

and

it

complete

bellow

game

heaving
well

again,

believer

good

missed.

ball

tossed

lost

irate

firm
the

from

ball

the

and

last

"

the

shot,

the

probably

was

returned

caught
and

fine

at

69

swung

parting

Parnham

that

Rube

catcher

as

"Take

Diamond

pitch

The

the

up

go

career.

my

the

on

the

of

over

promptly

his
the

tions,
emo-

stand.
grand-

evicted

twenty-five-dollar
park.

THE

USING
TO

MAILS

VIII

DEFRAUD

delivery
only special
baby.I am the only
playerwho ever wrote his way into the major leagues.
leagueteam in the
Having made practically
every minor
East,tired of being regardedas a pitchingclown instead
I mapped out a campaign of
of a clown who could pitch,
whatever
that is. I sat down
action
a
regularcoup d'etat,
I

baseball's

AM

"

and

wrote

Clark

letters anonymous

myselfsome
the
Griffith,

diet
fattening

letters.

"

"Old

same

in 191 1,

Fox"

who

the victim of my

was

put

me

on

punishingpen.

Griff needed

badlythen, and since he had once

pitchers
thoughtenough of me to give me advice,I thoughta little
ballyhoomight swing him over.
high-pressure
hot in 1919, my best year in baseball. After
I was
really
I

won

every

game

team

that could

Write Griff
"Dear

"

and

capture

won

twenty

that year

in
only forty-five

all
"

with

^I would

letter.

Sir," I would

"There's
scribble,

pitcherwith

JerseyCity named Al Schacht who is better than Walter

You ought to buy
Johnson.He's got justabout everything.
him rightaway.
"Yours
truly,
"Justa Fan."
A few days later,
I'd send him another:
"That

fellow Schacht

eleven guys today.

He's
Why don't you get wise
it'stoo

telling
you about struck out
a wonder.
Nobody can touch him.
and buy this guy before
to yourself
I

was

late.?"
70

Using the Mails

Then

add

the

the Yanks

peopleup

his illustrious

With

71

box

scores.

I mailed

game,

after that fellow Schacht ? That's

are

here

say.
to

name

letter,of

each
and

"Dear

Defraud

stillanother:

"Is it true

what

to

Hurry, hurry,if you

your

course,

care

to

roster."

I enclosed

pings
clip-

newspaper

after winning
Finally,

my

ninth

out
shut-

Griff the clincher:

Sir:

"Enclosed

you

work.

will find
He

is without

clippingon
a

doubt

Al

Schacht's

the best

markable
re-

in
pitcher

Clowning Through

72

the International League. I

shutouts

If he

with

were

the

I used

be in baseball

to

see

this Schacht's

Boy,
yourself?

pitchnine

isn't

season

them

won

of the

the best of Griff. He

time

City justin

to

Thus, late in the

I left a last placeclub and

that you

advance

can

despitethe
I consider

on

presence
to

better than

this

The

my

idol, the immortal

first baseman
the time,

was

peak
"

report

mediocre

team

Johnson, whom
all time

^yes,

"

ChristyMathewson
fensive
Joe Judge,the finest de-

Washington

past his

to

Senators,who

pitcherof

greatest

and
Rice, a great outfielder,

Sam

at

work.

hard

the club of Walter

day the

tenth shutout

series in Detroit.

finished third the year before,were

had

Jersey

in seventh, showing

joinedone

with

see

Fan."
to

ordered

was

Washington club,then playinga

the

to

pitchhis

of 19 19, I

season

I know

and he's stillwonderingwhy.

boughthim

He

season.

down

came

this wonder

see

by

wonder!

"Just a
Curiositygot

all

and

come

you

yet.

over

I think
myself,

don't

Why

one.

him

see

good club,he'd have

pitcherwhen

for

and

far this season,

so

shutouts. As
a

happened to

Baseball

"

has

^he

ever

had.

Johnson,

slippedto twenty

tories
vic-

that year.
In those
were

to a
reported
rightto work, $15 down and $9 more

put

days,as

as

soon

you

for instance, could report

good. A pitcher,
p.m.,

and

start

be

on

3, be knocked

game

train back

to

where

quick shower.
reportedto Grifl, who

after
later,
I

at

club,in
elbows

out

he

came

club,you

new

if you
to

club

of the box
from

made

at

at

3:15,

half hour

Detroit. No

with

was

longerwas

the greats of the

stillmanaging

the

I satisfiedmerely to

rub

then

day.Within

me

burned

Using the Mails

fierce desire

make

to

Defraud

to

good.For

73
I was
life,

in my

once

really

serious.

Enthusiastic,cocky,I bustled around

had

there and
when

show

Ty

all,struck
Bob

were

hadn't

who

and

didn't hit

Merely by
the

by

ten

game

Creek, N.

a
later,

for the

of the World

By
have

Ehmke's
World
so

the record
It

to

mark.
Series

make

that I

-And

was

am

ground keeper.

the

with

veteran

Chicago

Cubs

hanging up

Ehmke

same

only a

their

on

in the

spective
re-

opening

thirteen strikeouts,

into

left

Series,I didn't

might have
allowed
they finally

when
it

World

was

or

shattered

either

as

coach

even

me

or

on

clown,

safe anyway.

American

my

the club

with

is stillin the books.

diamond,

againstsuch

was

battinga

was

this

was

weary

Series while

"nothing ball"

yet

connected

Y. It

and

worn

I broke

the time

mann,
Heil-

and
triples,

Athletics
Philadelphia

which

record

Veach

"

Tigershad a pitcherthen
Ehmke, a lean, gangling righthander

"nothing ball" left,stood

ears

heart

of mention, the

of Silver

years

and

the assistant

was

.300

name

all-around

Heilmann

his best form

of Howard

out

who

over

way

name

The

then, hittingonly .384.

in doubles

reached

they

"

courageous

my

Harry

measly .320. In fact,the only one

who

to

even

off year

Veach

leadingthe League

was

fear

having an

was

there

Then

that year

team

great

lineup.

they had plentyof power.

ole Georgia Peach, greatest

the

Ty Cobb,
playerof them

have

not

get in

long afterward

not

the Detroit

i" I

as

to

^but

"

of

and

desire I lost

"

dugout

ready,anxious

was

over
glancedcasually

finished fourth

"

stuflF

my

Tigers did

The

life.I

there all my

been

the

coward

great

names

League
but

of baseball
debut.

I will admit

Never

that I had

let it be said

that for

fleeting

Clowning Through Baseball

74
I wished

moment

back in the International

was

League.
pitchersa system

working his
which
time,
kept them all on edge until warm-up
before the game. Nobody knew
about twenty minutes
who
would
pitch until Griff tossed the ball to the appointed
his name
time.
at the same
hurler,calling
I will never
day. The strains of
forgetthis particular
beginningto tell on me.
uncertaintyand suspense were
Griff call on
Would
to
me
quellthe sluggingTigers?
I waited for the call and the toss of the ball
Impatiently
and twenty minutes
before game-time it came
rightby
(quitea toss) to a fellow named Courtney.
my nose
Safe for the time-being,
I watched
prisingly
Courtney do a surgood jobin holdingthe Tigers.In the ninth,we
Grifi had

funny

of

system

"

"

"

were

ahead,

finish up

to

i,

and

it looked

as

if

Courtney would

blaze of

when
glory,
thingsbegan to happen.
One
scoring a run
Tiger tripledand another singled,
ing
tyingthe score. Courtney then proceededto get wild,walkthe next
and with nobody out, the bases were
two
men,
in

loaded.
I should

have

up, for

coming
that?

And

bench

for

"Where

sure

known

rightthen that my number

who
else would they call on in a spot
enough. Griff looked up and down

was

like
the

me.-

is that young

pitcherwho

he
just reported?"

asked.

Swallowing hard,
corner

"Here

of the
I am,

"Well, come

I answered

dugout,where

I'd

from the deepest

jerkily
been hiding;

sir."
on,

come

on," Griff shouted. "Get

in there

and stop those guys."

With

no

other choice,I strode

to

the

mound, cool but

Clowning Through Baseball

j6
that

bath, I realized

of the

one

smartest

several

And

Griff,I

to

that

mound.

Success

local

last

at

"

contemplatingasking for
Sox,

next

And
Eddie

ever

Cicotte, who

when
figures
as

and

seen;

good.I

had

Sox

v^on

me

the

on

already

was

then.

Jackson and

had

They

of all

basemen

of the finest natural hitters

their

Cicotte

Ed

leadingpitcherwas
that

baseball
Unfortunately,

result of their

We

with

Sox

twenty-nine games

won

all the hurlers.

me.

ward
lookingforleague-leading
Chicago White

times; Shoeless Joe Jackson,one

has

Red

Browns.

of the greatest second

Collins,one

the game

fire

didn't

first raise,and

those White

team

then

even

list.

our

on

what

St. Louis

boy makes

my

off the

knocking

to

quite

auspiciousone-pitch
coming-out

againstthe

me

was

in baseball. He

men

then beat the Boston

and

one,

ball game

say here that he

must

days after my

party, he started

lose

can

pitch.

on
only one
easily

In tribute

fellow

lost

in
participation

lead

outstanding

two

banished

were

to

season

from

ball
base-

"Black

the

Sox"

Scandal.

Every
first

custom

place,and
call a

to

the Sox

When

important to

was

seventh

or

his

was

series

all in the clubhouse

when

and

weaknesses.

any,

but Griff felt certain that if

Jackson comes

inside and

throw

gave

him

make
a

sure

rival,it

new

points.
strategic

us

our

none

could

we

us

had

stop Jackson,

League, we

could

win.

orders.

he don't hit

make

got

of them

up," he said,"pitchyour

screwball and

in

was

the entire White

over

It seemed

feared hitters in the

most

he
Methodically,
"When

discuss

began going

lineupfor
of the

he

Washington, therefore,he

Sox

one

met

we

meeting and

to

came

Griff whether

one.

him

And

you,

hit that."

fast balls

Schacht,

Using the Mails

That

all

was

Defraud

to

of
quitesimple.My screwball,a duplicate
called his

pitchChristyMathewson
best pitch,and Griff knew
change of pace. All I had to
the

opened

third. Then

the

and

with

on

me

all

were

do

make

was

againstthe

the series

had

innings all right.We

two

that. I

fadeaway,was my
used it chiefly
a
as
Jackson ignore

hit the screwball.

fast balls and

my

jj

two

The

strolled

out, up

going

loaded

Sox

nice

would

hot shower

I
Obeying Griff's instructions,

into the

the

Jackson,the

worrying about. He, like Heilmann,

black bat. How

the first

by

got

lead

2-0

tables turned.

and

Sox

threw

bases

guy
a

swung

we

big

be, I thought.

Jackson a

fast ball

but it
the

probablydidn't get inside enough. Jackson slapped

wall for a triple.
ball againstthe right-field
before the ball hit the wall.Griff

Even

the field like

on

box and

when

we

got back

to

pulledme

He

ravingmaniac.

hit

fast ball,to

the opposite.
You
"Mr.

League
would

keep the ball

pitchedvery dumb

I said,"I
Griffith,"
must

be

dumb

like to shake the hand

The

of the

were

game

inside. You
to

me

smart

not

let

to

did

just

Jackson."

all the

guess

then.

of the

out

the bench, he belabored

unmercifully.
"I bought you
because I thought you
he shouted. "I told you before the
pitcher,"
him

running out

came

pitchersin

this

hitting.360.I
who is stopping
pitcher
guy

is

him."
Griff chased

me

all the way

to

the clubhouse.

Later, however, after coolingoff somewhat, he called

me

aside.
"I'm

going

he remarked.

to

give

"You'll

you

one

pitchthe

more

chance

last game

to

stop him,"

of the series."

do

"Don't

to

sure

Griff
"I

Sox.

of

making

smile.
with

blessed

was

that

win

you

guess

little

kiddingly,

replied

favors,"

any

me

Baseball

Through

Clowning

78

of

sense

he

one,"

humor.
said

grinning,

"he

battle

with

is

tough."
stopped
He

them

got
was

all

Jackson

off

hits

five

only
me.

right

wasn't

in

in

the
around

my

final

next

game,

long

but

enough.

only

the

one

THE
SOUR

GRAPES

If Clark

Griffith, the Old

and write

about

book

Gripes of

"The

THE

AND

FOX

OLD

Fox,

my

Griff used

tell

to

time

waste

few

brief interludes,
I received

the

Washington club,and while

kept me around "only for the

he

me

to

ever

undoubtedlytitle it
beck.)
to
John Stein(With apologies

Schacht."

checks from

pay

were

he would

me,

1919 until 1934, with

From

IX

of thoughts
certain that at times he was
I am
laughs,"
guilty
either
I was
clown-slaughter.
borderingon premeditated
very funny,or very lucky.
But

Griif

great

was

to

man

work

for besides the fact

the first steadyemployment I had ever

that he gave me
ington
enjoyed.Griff has been so long connected with the Washclub that few

fans know

that he

once

managed
Yankees, in

the

the
ChicagoWhite Sox and the old New York
American
League, and the Cincinnati Reds in the National;
standout pitcherin his day, winning over
that he was
a
hundred

two

games.

Griff grew

rookie,to
and

up

star,

way

manager

and

to

ownershipof

and he would

the hard

rather win

"

their eccentricities.He
of humor, which

baseball,
risingfrom
the

to
finally

club. Baseball

spectators than lose one

Above all Griff knew

sense

in

was

and

presidency

is his lifeblood

before five hundred

ball game
thousand.
before fifty
a

understood
ball players,
had

he

sharpwit, and

must
79

have had

them

and

remarkable

in order

to

put

Clowning Through Baseball

8o

with

up

than

the Old

The

me

and

in

the

to

off

to

Alexander

tore

was

of my

career

look

me

over

days after

few

in
cartilage
A

little

long as

as

no
pitchee,

Bucky Harris, the

the age
in

fostered

of

move

he

into

my

mare.
night-

while

could, he finally

payee.

verilya

was

second

baseman

was
twenty-five,

that

since

Haven, and

in the International

I made

of the Senators

young

up,

pitchingdays

boomeranged

along with
No

My

I had

again I oifer proof that

at

broke

camp

of New

me

into
into

his knee.

dream

my

but fate entered

stillthe property

suspended me.

that year,

to

invited

of this gesture, I worked

appreciation
in rounding
into shape.I succeeded

get

strung

Here

releasing

in 1924 he

trainingcamp

earliest athletic recollections had

Weiss

of

system.

plentyfor

me

Senator

over.
definitely

the honor

giving

Haven
signed with New
managed by George Weiss,

missed

pictureagain.A

But

in 1920,

in 1922, I

the healthiest condition

were

today

in full

again,and
head

have

must

down

the

had

followingyear, a club then

kingpin of the Yankee farm

Griif
me

he

1922

spellwith Reading

now

in baseball

man

the previousyear and

I had hurt my
arm
pitcher.
I thought.After
me
freedom, a bit reluctantly,
my

he gave

the

shrewder

Washington.
of the Senators
president

became

Fox

as

isn't

from

Fox

managing,

up

There

me.

League
named

tagged "The

was

tiny.
of des-

tot

whose
and

quaintance
ac-

who

manager

Old

Fox's

There was
touch there
befriended me.
a sentimental
Folly,"
at the
Bucky and I had joinedthe Senators practically
same
time, and despitethe fact that I had called him a
"busher" when
he
in the International,
we
were
opponents
"

offered

me

job as

his assistant

on

the

Washington

club.

Old

The

and

Fox

the Sour

Grapes

8i

After deliberating
approximatelyone-eighthof

Griff,the
accepted.

^but

this

about

"

I stillhad

buy

to

for

not

only one thing stood

idea, however, struck me,
have

in my

the New

way

club,

Haven

brilliant

money.

"

that

proving

but

lame

Haven,

New

From
of

been

ing
noth-

long.

release from

my

and

might

signedthe checks,knew

who

guy

second, I

Schacht

the

arm

the old brain.

not

I called

Griff,reversingthe charges,

course.

"Griff,"I said,"this

suspended.I

Haven,

is urgent. I

buy

can

stranded

am

release for

my

in New
little as

as

$500but I've only got $200. Will you wire me $300?"

They don't call Clark Griffith the Old Fox for nothing.
without knowing the details.
He wasn't wiring any money
"What

are

going

you

do when

to

release?"

get your

you

he asked.

"Why,

I'm

had

Harris

club,"I replied,
thinkingthat

joiningyour

alreadyinformed

him

of his need

for my

uable
inval-

do

know

services.
"You
I

are,

"Your

"A

nice,too,"remarked

I've got three coaches

would

costingyou

to

I be

this short
money.

figuredif he

the

sent

as

Fox, "but

and

now

I'm

you

in seventh

hurt you," I declared

I'm

Will
me

you

can't

pitch
place.

for?"

needing you

fourth coach won't

let'smake

you

me."

wants

manager

"That's

What

you?" snapped Griff. "How

you?"

want

and

are

on

long

wire

me

the money,

"And
firmly.

distance
the

and

this is

$300?"

he'd have

to

hire

me

get it back.
Griff

sent

me

the money

all

right.I bought my

release

Clowning Through Baseball

82

Weiss, who

from

tickled

was

get rid of me,

to

Washington, stilllookingfor

to

Baseball is
can't do

You

I called

to

funny

business

anythingon

day.It was

to

one
biggerbut this particular

are

called off

been

sensing that

on

the crowds

bad. The

was

had

game

Griff,probably

the premises,was

lurkingon

was

Sundays are

days because

of rain, and

account

enterprises.

Sunday when

creditor.

my

be the best baseball

supposed to

like other

not

bad

respects

my

pay

reported

job.

"

and

nowhere

sight.

in

bloodhound

It took all of my

when

cornered
finally

to
quahties

he

him,

locate him

me
surprised

by offering

trulyamazed.
I said after glancingat
"Why Mr. Griffith,"
"I can hardlysee the numbers
they'reso small.
more
catchingrunaways. Look, Griff
money
me

contract.

was

"

the game
better

see

there

David

Harum

the

no

was

club

going

was

as

the entire

luck charm, but from

picturechanged.We

the series. We
of the games,

seventh

to

modesty prevents

cleaned
and

up

in

out

three

me

the
went

from

day
to

make

can

it's raining,

you'restill in seventh
is shining."
the sun
Griff,who is known
stalling

of baseball. The

natural

My

figures,

place.I

as

the

the road

on

to terms
day and he insisted that we come
We
compromised.I signedthe contract.

next

claims

when

you

But

the

called and

was

and

diately.
imme-

making

any

joinedthe club,

Phillyand

swept

West, winning three quarters

short

weeks

we

shot from

firstplace.

might add

we

had

pretty fair team,

too.

Our

infield

Harris
at
second, Roger
Judge at first,
Peckinpaughat short,and Ossie Bluege at third. We had
Rice and Earl McNeely in the outfield,
Goose Goslin,Sam

consisted of Joe

World

The

Series of 1924, between

the Senators

is baseball

was

New

York

most

battles
thrilling

each

one

run.

The

have

Giants

last game
such

seen

led 3

to

that

took

The

score

tied

up

scored

sudden

the first Classic

and

in

tension

hop

out, Frankie

one

of all time,

of the
games,

by

and

one

never

runs

in

Giants

in the last half of the

the

lucky bounder

on

Lindstrom's

Freddy

beaten

The

one.

the

came

head.

mighty

Series, still seeking

his brilliant career.

Frisch,one

of the greatest second

Johnson
tripled.

walked

Pep Young

George Kelly.Johnson proved then why they

came

called him

two

this

the ninth; in

triumph of

the

game.

over

into

going

Johnson, alreadytwice

basemen

played in Washington

was

Harris

seven

decided

were

were

inning,Bucky

With

of them

and

one

annals,going

going to decide
going into the eighth,but

breaks

The

It
history.

in Series

close that four

so

Baseball

Through

Clowning

^4

the

pitchesthat

he

Irish Mcusel

to

"Big

Train."

couldn't

He

even

retire the side.

struck
see,

and

out

Kelly on

Harris

three

tossed

out

Old

The

In the

Grapes

Jackson,Frisch,Kelly for

Travis

out

Wilson, the

Hack

time, and

home
fifty-six

two

first on
strom,

out.

the ball hit

pebble,bounced

carried back

He

the flood of

to

them
telling
back, and it was

happy

how

who

ond
sec-

in 1930

then, in the last

Johnson reached

the

Lindy'shead,

over

fans

the

hit

as

groanedwith anguish,
on

the shoulders
Griff did

rooters.

that burst from

the

and

this horseshoe

on

tears

proud he

here that I

mind

"Never

the

the clubhouse

pattingeverybodyon

was

and

hit

screaming,cheeringWashington
stem

on

hand.

then

McNeely

Series ended
desperately-fought
Ruel scored the winning run.
and
While New
York players

to

men

grounder at Lindticketed
of those easy-goinggrounders that are
Harris' hit,
outs, and just as in the eighthon

one

were

And

doubled

Ruel

Muddy

error.

an

for certain

we

Hack

same

for the Cubs.

runs

of the twelfth,fate took another

With

85

three innings,Johnson, always with

next

base,struck
hit

the Sour

and

Fox

of

nothing
his eyes.

back, embracing the players,

of them.

was

pulledmy

He

master

I said. "How
patting,"

pattedmy
stroke.

about

that three

hundred?"
Griff almost
"You
The

would

take

When
holdouts
a

I shouted.

it

the end

win.

bonus

with
more

it?"

dough,

the

nothingon me. Did you

for more
money? I held

greatest

ever

hear

out
out, with-

year.

of each

Griff's office and

"I'm

had

holdingout

fail,
every
At

"No

asking for

to

came

of all time

coach

with laughter.
hysterical
advantageof me," he cried. "You
is off."

three hundred

"What,"

of

went

season,

yell:

holdingout, Griff."

I would

stick my

head

into

Clowning Through

S6
Then

I would

Each

year,

like all hell.

run

however. Griff would

accompanied by

Al," would

"Enclosed

is your

got what

he

out,

to

write

salaryas

"Dear

treat

he

had

we

wanted.

contract,

of these letters.

What

One

your

I'm

season.

year,

sorry

losingyear."
did

Babe

Ruth

held

Babe

Ruth

have

I decided
therefore,

all Griff's letters.I

Received

Fox:

next

holdout. When

letter to end

me

generalrun
for

didn't have?

that Schacht
to

the

be
contract

couldn't raise your

fine way

send

letter.

"Dear

Baseball

letter with

penned:
contract.

I could

opening it.You've been giving

year. I've been trying to get a

have read the letter without

the

me

raise

story every

same

of you

out

for several years

succeeded,I'm going

to

now,

and

experiment with

since I haven't
this

contract.

in some
bury this contract
very rich dirt
have in a rubber plantand sprinkle
it with holy water
we
the roses
are
every night.J^ndmaybe, in the Spring,when
budding and all the flowers rise from the ground,then,
maybe, the figureson this contract will also be raised.
"You
mention
in your lettersthat the only reason
you
keep me on your club is that I give you a lot of laughs.I
twice as many
want
to assure
laughs
you that you give me
I've ever
as
given you. It's these contracts
you send me."
"I'm

It

and

going

not

was

took

to

until 1930, however, that I put my pen aside

firm stand. My salary
had been increased that

Spring but I wanted stillmore.

Opening day of the season
and I was
stilla holdout. We
the field
out
arrived,
were
on
when
practicing,
"As

you

can't appear

Griff called

haven't
on

"That's your

signeda

me

into the office.

contract

yet,"he said,"you

the field when

the game
starts."
fault,"I answered. "Certainly
not

mine."

The

Old

o"
president

the Sour

Grapes

in the office at the time

Present

"Do

and

Fox

the American
have

you

WilUam

was

Harridge,

League.

call in the

to

87

President

League

thing?"I inquired.
We
argued back and forth but I was
Griff pretendedhe was
reallyangry. He

settle

to

this

under

contract

stubborn.

Finally,

pushed

blank

nose.

my

"Sign it,"he ordered.

When

and
figures
holding out

date,no
"After
to

blank, I

I say

make

sign

me

blank. The

mean

not

even

my

blank

and

no

name.

all Winter," I

bore

contract

"You're
yelled,

have

at

me

Nothing doing."
and I believe
"Sign it,"Griff repeated
What
could I do
I signed.
He then gave me
a
contract.
duplicate

he

going

your

mercy.

it.

meant

"

"What's
"That's

this for?" I asked

said with

yours,"he

there's

"But

scanning the blank

a

twinkle

spaces.

in his eye.

here."

nothingon

"Is that so?" he barked.

"Griff,"I moaned.
but I

warn

I asked

you.

for

on

and
at

I couldn't get my
it
"

was

"Didn't
wanted?"

he

what
exactly

^itwas

officeafter the game.

aren't what
the

fast

I had

stand."
grandenough.

asked

Griff called

me

for.
in.

didn't I?" he chuckled.

amazed
you

check

mercy,

your

this contract
on
figures
payday,I'm going to blow up

did,"I
certainly

"You
He

you,

puttingmyselfon

If the

Payday came
HastilyI looked
Going by the
"Fooled

"I'm

at

think

my

inquired.

said.

indifference.
was

going

to

give you

what

you

Clowning

88

"It

would

in.

give
than

more

The

me

that,"

wasn't

for

Old

You

declared.
fooled

knew

"I

me

Baseball

Through

when

along

that

didn't

give

all

you

wanted."

Fox

week.

chased

me

out

of

the

office

and

snubbed

you
me

LAUGH,

CLOWN,

LAUGH!

alwaysa clown. My reputationas a goof

followed me
to
Washington.
When
with the most
I joinedthe Senators it was
ous
seribefore my
search for
pitchingambitions but even
the heaving heightswas
interrupted
permanently,I was
ington
Washat
gaining fame as a big league buffoon. It was
Once

clown,

that I
then

still a

and

Nick,
been
his

coach

clowning

screwballs

antics

would

together.We

doubleheaders

of

and

coaching lines.
the

fans

just before

the

of

between

the Giants

Here

was

sneak

to

also

was

John

in, and

teams

in the

went

on

and

to

to

of
history
win

championships
"

What

see

World

team

see

the

how

fare

Series

of

start

single

in
finally,

1921,

fruit. We

the World

Series

Series without

ing
hav-

at

time. For

same

his Giants,

me,

it

of the best

one

regime

"

straightpennants

would

games

with
acquaintanceship

renew

the McGraw

four

those

World

paid at

opportunity to

an

McGraw

in

to

get

work

Yankees.

and

chance

my

two

to

between

staged insanitybore

offered $1000 apieceto entertain

were

for

Since

decided

we

one,

time, had
known

was

silliest skits,and

respectivestreaks

our

the

entertain

inventing the

games,

1912, and

better than

seemed

Altrock,

his

pitcherin

since

on

Nick

the Senators.

with

the Senators

with

with

up

left-handed

noted

teamed

and

met

and

team
two

which
World

againstMiller Huggins'

kees,
Yan-

for the first time.

Giants

had

"

Frankie

Frisch,"High

Clowning Through

90

Baseball

Pockets"

Kelly,Dave Bancroft,Pep Young, George Burns,

Irish Meusel, Casey Stengel,
a
great left-handed pitcher
in Art Nehf ; and those Yankees, stillplayingin the Polo
Grounds,
bad

without

team

home

of its own

yet, weren't

as

^goodenough to win three straight

pennants
such stars as the immortal
Babe Ruth, Home
^boasting
Run
Baker, Roger Peckinpaugh, Aaron
Ward, Wally
Schang,Wally Pipp, Bob Meusel, and Waite Hoyt, Carl
Mays, Bob Shawkey on the pitchingfront. The Giants
that Series in eightgames
won
(theseries was then five
of nine), with Nehf, twice-beaten,
out
coming back to
either
"

"

hurl

That

briUiant
series

feature

act

shutout for the cHncher.

the beginningof my
really
I have appeared in twenty

"

the Ruth

was

baseball

numerous

among

to

was

clowning career
Our

St. Denis

since then.

Dance, and

Death
and

skits,Nick

big league

pantomimed

golf,tennis, boxing,swimming rowing, and

walking,with the Dance of the Seven

even

Veils

rope
tightas

an

encore.

It

the milk

was

of human

kindness

"

and

goat'smilk

not

which

providedNick and myselfwith the greatest

have ever
A goat, no
act
we
less,stole,
stagedtogether.
that show, which, we
Series
put on during the 1922 World
lished
the Giants and Yanks, and which
between
reallyestabus
as
big-timecomics.
I have never
stage in my
gone beyond the screen-test
with delight
have I seen
movie
women
swoon
career, nor
other than
but it was
at
none
sightof my great profile,
Rudolph Valentino, the idol of all womanhood, who set
either
"

the stage with what

act

the critics considered the

baseball audience

Valentino's

hit

at

has

the time

was

most

ous
hilari-

witnessed.

ever

picturecalled "Blood

Clowning Through Baseball

92

the animal

Locatinga cab,I dumped

The goat, it seemed, wasn't
as

got under

we

The

cabby,an

to

such

don't you

Why

am

get him

democratic

at

always open

guy,

the ball

unless

park

the goat

out

I
leaves,

had

into the

arm
park practically

it's

eating.

cabbageleaves?"

some

and
store
stoppedat a vegetable
of cabbage.Right there began a

arrived

soon

it started

We

luxury.As

scat.

all over
the place.
"baa-ing"
however.
fellow,ojBFeredthe solution,
intelligent
way,

"ain't happy
goat,"he suggested,

"A

used

into the back

loaded

up

suggestion,so
with

beautiful

most

and

to

was

big heads
friendship.

about

to

yank

like a dog.
me
following
other
I bulged with prideat the thought that among
my
achievements
of wild
I had
master
a
suddenly become
behorned
stanch
animals. This
beasty was
reallymy
friend. With
other aid except a few feeds of cabbage
no

Once

when

won

in the

rehearsal.

saw

my

park,I

way

it

was

to

wasted

the
in
no

George Kelly,the

goat'sheart.

walked

We

arm.

time.

Giant

I called

an

diate
imme-

firstbaseman, hap-

Laugh, Clown, Laugh!

be

pened to
at

distance of about

had

and

feet

ten

"

tough job separatingthe

back

I stuffed my

at

from

his bosom

cabbage leaves

the goat. With

I had

me.

back

my

the

to

about

nibble,I turned

to

balked,drew

it. It

That

cinched

it,and

on

threw

pal.

and

at

leap of joy
beast,with

cabbage leaves showing prominently,and

the

he was,

Kelly,big as

animal

pocket with

Kelly released
given signal,
the goat rushed

hold the goat

him

I had

so
park early,

the

at

93

it

as

was

littlesticks

at

back.

it. The

act

Valentino

set.

was

could

have

his bull. I would

take my chances on the goat. I tied the

back of the grandstand and rushed out
to
goat securely

purchasea

toreador's
ridiculous-looking

acquired a

turned
At

up

at

the

quarter of

edges,and

the field before

dashing figureof

than

more

sword

Brandishingmy

release of the goat. The

his

companion
toward

still did

not

did Nick
its part

and
to

the

to

know

myself,

what

I,since

my

entrance

fans. I

was

acted
certainly

and

like

I signaledfor
savagely,

goat, free

once

more

to

be

was

the

near

loped
gal-

of the spectators who

amazement

it all

hat

cape,

and
benefactor,bleated gleefully

and

me,

I made

fiftythousand

toreador

For

sword.

rubber

that afternoon

two

on

one.

of sorts, for Nick.

Sefiorita costume,

going

on.

dependedon

Frankly,neither
the goat. It

played

perfection.
have

been

faith born

of

and it
friendship
could possibly
have been the aroma
of the fresh cabbage
leaves that I had stuffed in every pocket,up my pants leg
but the unsuspecting
and inside my
shirt,
goat completely
ignoredthe brandished sword.
however, I swished the sword back and
Dramatically,
the tenacious animal once
twice. Believe
forth,sticking
or
It may

true

Clowning Through Baseball

94
me,

but this is

look of astonishment

true.

spread over

It
goat'sface. It appearedstunned by this betrayal.
and seemed
looked at me
halted in its tracks,
bewilderedly,

the

to

say

.to

"What

itself:
is

this,a wolf

turned

Suddenly,I

confidence it went

in Schacht's

my

back

clothing.?"

it,and

on

with

renewed

for the

cabbageagain.Whirling,I
it with my sword again.Again, it drew back. Several
we
this,and by that time I had poured most
repeated
bottle of catsup

its back. It looked

over

as

if my

stuck
times

of

thrusts

I tossed away
bringingresults. Then, valiantly,
my
and began to wrestle with the goat. Bitterly,
sword
we
fought,rollingover and over on the ground, and with
its back.
on
wild, fierce surge, I toppledit over
one
were

Out

his

of nowhere,

Carmen

ing
Altrock,dash-

the field toward the victor,a rose

daintilyacross
teeth,a Spanish comb miraculously
perched in

handful
the

Senorita

came

of hair. With

rose,

offered
The

and

I bowed

Nick
fancy flourish,

low

to

tossed

kiss the deUcate

hand

in

his
me

he

shyly.
crowd
we

roared its acclaim,and

took bow

after bow.

But

flushed with

stillthe fans

our

umph,
tri-

keptyell-

Laugh, Clown, Laugh!

95

can't be that

laughing.We
ing,cheering,

good,I thought,
and it finally
dawned
that somethingwas
amiss. I
on
me
the goat,
looked around, and there rightby my
feet was
supposedlydead and which I had completely
forgotten.
it there but it was
Not only was
bowing bow after bow
with us. In throwing the animal, I had wrung
its neck a
littletoo hard, and while the crowd thought the goat was
reallya trained part of the act, the poor beast was
only
the kinks out of its neck. To the conquered
tryingto straighten
that day belonged the spoils.
I had

awful

an

gettingrid of the goat.

time

having to fightand tussle with dangerous

that clowningis a riskybusiness.
see
animals,you can readily
built along delicate lines and shatter
It appears I was
And even
since I took to wearing that "Handle
quiteeasily.
What

with

with

Care"

broken
past

sign

on

and

nose,

was

once

historylooks

back,

my

I have

kayoed by

suffered

twice
a

steel girder.
My

like the anniversaryedition of the medical

journal.
enough that as an aspiringpitcherI had
sore
aheady survived malaria,ulcers,torn cartilages,
arms,
and that terrifying
vision of the war
from Fort
dicitis,
It

not

was

Slocum,

N.

I had
took

Y. In 1920, my

shoulder broken;

my

pieceout of

poked

first player ever

bath. Such
There
when

my

even

to

out

become

of

was

was

broken.

sagged lower

today well-wishers

some

the Senators,

Altrock
later,

years

boxingact; Jack Dempsey

place;and I became the
a

shower

better rewards.

deep mourning

shoulder

with

season

intoxicated under

deserves
versatility

averages

and

chin in

my

collar-bone

my

second

in

the

American

Accordingto

than
among

the
my

1929

League

ting
reports, bat-

stock

market,

friends
ball-player

Clowning Through Baseball

96

keep pleadingwith
we

to

me

back. It all happenedwhen

come

playingDetroit.
whenever
made
History was
were

afternoon
which

first base

I reached

about

my

laced
exuberantly

out

was

with

the

true

catcher down

On

base, and

on

often

too

once

average.

Donie

in

hit and

for second,racing down

of

grace
to

I got

that

season,

sign,I

run

the

bag

thoroughbred.The peg from

Bush, then playingsecond

the

on

wild. I dived

the Tigers, was

for

headlong at the bag Ty

Bush
Cobb in reverse
as
leapedfor the ball.
second
of wind
but proud of my
I landed
out
on
achievement.
Still prone
the ground,restingwith my
on
elbow
and my
chin on
the bag, I waved
elbow on
my
happily to the crowd in acknowledgment of its cheers.
Bush, however, having nabbed the ball by a desperate
down
leap into the air,came
right on
tumbling down
shoulder
pitchingshoulder. That stroke wrecked
my
my
and eventually
but it was
career
a great break
pitching
my
"

"

"

for

in

me

more

than

ways

one.

could

now

devote

all my

clowning instead of wasting it hurlingto guys like

and Jackson.I certainly
slid to fame.
Cobb, Heilmann

time

to

Altrock

and I

were

Perhaps we
it

had

playfulpair when

rehearse

our

gags

differences off the

our

the business
strictly

was

worked

we

of

clowning on

thoroughlybut

gether.
to-

field,but

the field.We'd

day things went

one

wrong.

During
to

each

Nick

infield

other from
was

an

Nick
practice,

and

first to third in

expert

juggler,and

I would
a

throw

lot of crazy
at

and

the

let it bounce

off his forehead.

ball

manners.

signal,I would

regulationhard ball for a rubber

Nick, instead of catchingthe ball would open
switch

one,

and

his hands

Laugh, Clown, Laugh!

97

particular
day, the signalsgot crossed
Expecting the rubber ball,he opened his hands.
That

ball hit him

in

heap.When

forehead

I raced

big as

as

got
We

Nick

with

even

puttingon

were

roared

of the

at

he

The

hard
down

went

lump

his

on

variety

common

when

me

several weeks

me

and

him, he had

to

over

apple.Words

an

can't describe what

He

the forehead

squarelyon

somehow.

he recovered.

later,however.

burlesqueof

the

Dempsey-Tunney

I was
long count, using baseball glovesfor boxinggloves.

Nick

Tunney,

laid
Nick
on

it

wound

chin, and

as

Dempsey

would

on

ask the

he

My

often tried

was

but

to

not

when

became

me.

the

personaltouch

in

I don't wish

sign me

there with
out

dropped the

up

the firstguy

to

to

my

stars,

the World

to

being

hit

be my

stooge

brag

hit

placeevery
boxingroutine

in baseball

boxing

but

by

agers
man-

agining
Jack, probablyim-

of

the St, Louis

this

for the ring because

Tunney,

stagedit again in

Tigers met

to

satisfied with

and
boxing technique,

collar-bone stilljumps

I should have

the buckle

pigeon,a big gash in

ex-champ himself

performance.Now,
faultless

dead

with

time

right

caught me

glovebut

the

Not

for

of my

chin, but this

my

now," he laughed.

even

I had

have

tainly
cer-

we

me.

Nick,
a

and

counting the
lay calmly,restfully

afterward.

to

on

Nick
quickly.

only with

himself added

long

rest

too

away

down

we're

Mauler,

the knock-down
blow,
delivering
pitcher.
Usually,I caught the blows

floppedlike

Kick looked

not

like

not

of the mitt. I

act

In

hand

the button

"I guess

on.

which

pulledmy

on

the olc Manassa

up

hand

my

was

me

now

just once.
and then.

then and

Series of 1934,

Cardinals,and
get

there,

thus

cock-eyedunder

clowning Through Baseball

^g
shower.

defense, I

In

point

must

that

out

not

am

habitual drunkard.
That

in which
the Series,you'll
recall,

was

of "Me

team

of the Gas

'nd Paul"

House

the great

Dean,

Gang,

two

won

Cardinals the Series flag;and

of

victim

and

Daffy

apieceto give the

Med wick

the

was

pop-botde
barragein

and
lemon, vegetable

Dizzy

games

Ducky

that famous

near-riot at Detroit.

picked the

coldest

boxing masterpiece.It
the fans

days,and

blankets. As
down

to

day

of that series

was

one

of

up

put

on

my

biting October

those

all bundled

were

to

in

and

overcoats

I worked
stripped
delight,
was
nothinghalfway about

the doctors'

for me,

boxing trunks.

There

me.

It

was

part of the

fighttaking the
opponent"

to

face after I
slow

motion.

act"

part of both

have

bucket

water

dashed

in

and

out

myselfdown

of the weadier, however,

asked the boys assisting

me
water

of cold

knocked
gracefully
In view

pantomimeda prizei
and myj
myself,naturally,

in which

to

bring out

pailof

my

in'

wisely
warm

for the finish.

Working

harder

than

ever

to

keep

from

freezing,I

clowning Through Baseball

lOO

bit

embarrassed,a
Slightly
my

I missed

The

o" the

out

carcass

weary

Series ball game

firstWorld

my

who

guy

"Buckets,Buckets."

called

me

my

1939 tour, I encountered

steel

bucket any

I'll take

character. He

the

the

former

been

umpire, was

for

extreme.

breakinga

fan's

bleachers

Elmira

in

kayoed

in

me

It

happened

with

nose

and

quitea
vigor for

catch

in

me

here

Rochester,and

ball

artfully

was

couldn't

They

servers.

process

with

the very

to

York, they missed

New

after I had

well-meaningsoul

ORDERS

into

dodging

in the strangest

grandstandof the ball park

steel girderin preference
to
a

stooge,

being sued

was

thrown

and
was

carryingout
that I

bucket

of

time.

chauffeur

My

so

one

the

girderunder

Lima, Ohio.

in

or

write

the tail end

During

another

circumstances, only a week

a

in thirteen
years.

"Boots, Boots," should

wrote

for

by

I stupidly
sheepish,
dragged
park and to the hotel. Thus,

was

Syracuse stillsafe.

in

I
that

was

scheduled

nightand

at

to

find

condition and
out

that I wasn't

Hardly

my

and

up

Schacht

Mr.

Open

papers

pops

subpoena in

for my

not

be

to

called
to

at

eighto'clock
siesta,leaving

disturbed under
the

on

state

phone

to

emphatically

when

the

faithfully
repeat

phone
the

rang.

tion.
conversa-

calling Oh,

you

...

bringthem rightup."

the door and

my

eyes

Who's
...

some

down

but
calling

was

I closed

Friday picked it

have

park

there.

had

"Hello...

man

my

the ball

that if anyone

only who

not

at

six,I layme

full instructions with

any

be

hand.

before I knew

it,there

was

Laugh, Clown, Laugh!

numskull,"

"You
let

no

"I
some

in

one

loi

thought he

to

he said he had

the wit, "but when

know, Al," replied
papers,

I tell you

"Didn't

here?"

that I wasn't

"

him.

raged at

meant

clippings."

press

PAPERS
MR.

FOR

SCKACJ^T?^
o"GHr

IN

In
out

an

to

irate
the

mood, unable

ball

park. I

to

go

back

sleep,we

to

through

went

went

preliminary

my

and then started my

routine,clowning with the ball players
feature stunt,
the
me

finish,we
down

would

and

bucketful of

out.

be careful. He
him

I gave

or

have

maybe

credit for

being,because

but with

the bucket

So, in

one

fateful

as

would

face. He

before and

I had
been
he

stooge

my

fight,and

then

He

must

with

have

in my

water

with that bucket

out

battingact

had

knock

by pouring a

me

awfullyclose

come

after the

nervous

than

smarter
me

with

not

well,breakingmy

evening,I

would

warned
repeatedly

was

he hit

he

revive

umpire. At

as

was

him.

to

bawling

I gave

only the

him
water

nose.

served with

subpoena

for

breaking

by

guy's

had

and

nose

who

stooge,

own

my

had

own

my
to

seen

Baseball

that

it

broken

nose

the

subpoena

served.

was

That

of

nose

wound

the

at

Reds

of

Out

heave

Needless

between

the

time,

Tigers

go

say,

and

Tigers

merely

was

cinnati
Cin-

innocent

an

their

through

fifty players
and

to

be

the

the

on

it

was

broken

field,

infield

of

out

photographers
one

to

McCosky.

Barney
to

the

another

sidelines.

had

nose

suffered

cUmax,

fitting

newspapermen

my

by

This

than

more

as

Series

1940.

the

hundred

around,

World

watching
from

practice

mine,

in

bystander,

Through

Clowning

I02

again.

be

hit

about

standing

by

wild

AM

BACK!

COME

LOVER,

lover of

beautyin

has been
especially,
with a soft,
romantic
would

XI

all its forms. Feminine

of my

one

nature,

beauty,

great weaknesses.

the

of

mention

mere

Blessed
a

girl's

deep thoughts of love in my

days.I had alwaysbeen considered a great lover,
younger
and what with my personality,
and marvelous
profile
gait,
the movies haven't snapped me
it'sa wonder
up as yet.
My only trouble was that my high regardfor feminine
entered the pracand thoughtsof love never
pulchritude
tical
name

stages. I

stir

me

to

remained

to
long enough in one town
strike up a serious acquaintancewith a nice girland by
the time I reached the hand-holding
release was
state, my
handed
and I had to departfor parts unknown
to
me
without
leavinga forwarding address. Why couldn't I
be like other guys and go steady?
of the boys on the Washington
Bucky Harris and some
club took advantageof my good nature, and of course, my
weakness, in trainingcamp at Tampa, Florida,
outstanding
one
Spring.
A clown
is supposedto furnish laughs for others,not
to

be

with

never

laughedat.
the best .of

proved to
Since I
rookies

be my
was

the

am

proud of

the fact that I

last laugh,for
to

or

veterans.

take it

Hot

at.

the manager,

for the first part of the

at

can

them, but this particular

prank almost

assistant

meanwhile, was
with

I had

chargeof

They joinedus
103

Harris,

trainingseason.

Springs,Ark., takingthe
at

Tampa

the

hot baths

later.

Clowning Through Baseball

I04
Ball

playersare

the world.

To

own.

Remember

in Smith's

wasn't

show

and

Bucky

class,he

I would

nabbed

He

out.

look,and

me

I strolled

After all,
he

over.

"Al," he spoke in

Hot

they

away,

sitting

now,

angles,laughing
for and

layingodds

coupleof

me,

"Hey,

Al."
was

my

low, earnest

the

manager.

voice

beautiful

most

almost

"

whisper,

I have

women

ever

in Hot

"You

Springs."
did?" I whisperedback,flatteredthat

take me,

of all people,into his confidence

sacred

me.

seen

to

"Yep. And
arrive

to,

Tampa, Bucky immediately

sought me
in the hotel lobby.
to someone
talking

at

even

the

in

me

miles

picturethem

"Psst,"he psst

-'I met

on

go

of the scheme.

success

his arrival in

On

can

thousand

all his

people will

this gag

up

Tampa, talkingover

ridiculous

againstthe

delicate touch

lengthssome

than

and

me,

practical
jokersin
Well, while Bucky

Smith?

had

cooked

more

the train for

how

what

his gang

thought of
at

Harry

you

Springs.Even

on

of the greatest

some

I told them

here in

going

are

few

of the

if any

days and

visit them.

to

all about
rent

on

a
around, especially
couplelike

on

that

should

matter

so

They'regoing to

cottage and

keep

Now,

boys catch

you.

Harris

this
we

these two,

you

and

because
yourself
know
any gals
to

it'llbe

justtoo

bad."

Alreadyin
pleaded:
"You

ecstasy, I

won't

somebody
"Don't
around

else

change your mind,

at

will you

and
anxiously,

Bucky,and

take

the last minute?"

looking
reassured,
Al," Bucky whisperingly

worry,
to

grabbedBucky'sarm

see

that

no

one

was

within earshot. "These

Back!

Lover, Come
all

galsare

pepped up

105

meeting

on

think

They

you.

you're

wonderful."
I learned that the night of
questioning,
that Saturday,
rendezvous was
that the two
women

further

On
secret

would

Fridaynight.
days, I walked on

arrive

For

two

went

out,

pressedfor
tonic

our

on

haircut

Saturdaymorning,

shave, had

in years, and

best suit

my

put

even

littlehair

curlylocks.
look

must

best,Alexander,"I said

your

impressionsare

Early

and

the firsttime

my

"You
"First

got

air.

the

words

whisperedwelcome

know."

important,you

that evening, at

dinner

team

in my

myself.

to

table,Bucky

ear:

"It's all set, Al."

I rubbed
Gleefully,
After dinner,Harris

my

"Have

money?"

you

got any

hands

in

anticipation.
aside.

pulledme
he

I should have

asked,and

cash a
to
suspected
somethingrightthen. "I don't want
check. While I phone them, you go out and buy a quart
of liquor.
They may like a littledrink."
twelve dollars it cost me
I got the quart
as
prohibition
"

stillin effect.With

was

the bottle under

racing with happy thoughts,Bucky

lovenest. On

our

he

the way,

and

my

arm,

I took

stopped the

cab

mind

my
a

cab for

and

gested
sug-

fruit store handy,

a
was
buy some
oranges. There
I got myself a couple of dozen
so
nothingcheap about
Schacht when .somethingwas
at stake.
I

"

We

must

have

nudged
"Where

like

"Now

covered

about five miles,when

tiently
impa-

Harris:

is this

jointanyway

sleeper
jump

to

.f^"I

"This
inquired.

seems

me."

take it easy, Al,"

replied
Bucky. "You

won't

mind

Clowning Through

io6

far it is when

how

M'lad, two
I

think, but

all for

and

me

you."

foreignelement
quite suddenly.Hastily,I elbowed

mind

into my

gals.Just think of it,Al,

and

women

gorgeous

satisfied

was

these

see

you

Baseball

to

entered

Bucky

again.
married?"
"Say,Bucky, are these women
"What's
the difference,"
declared Bucky. "They're married
but they're
both getting divorces."
bit worried

"We're

not

Bucky

gave

by now, I broke in anew:

takingany chances,are we?"
a
me
witheringlook and sneered.

don't think

"You

club, would

for

chances

take any

of

that I, manager

minute

of

getting mixed

up

ball
in

scandal,do you?"

pattedhis back, fearful

of my

unfounded

lest he

suspicionsand

change his

mind

call the whole

"Okay, Bucky, okay," I laughed."I

because

thing off.

only curious,

was

that's all."

cab

The

came
finally

to

chauffeur five dollars,

we

complete darkness.
dollars and
For
away

in the midst of almost

alighted
out
now
approximatelytwenty
happened yet.

I'm

nothing has
I can't

moment

between

even

see

lot of bushes

after paying the

halt,and

and

house, but there,hidden

a

couple of

trees

was

this littlecottage.
The
in the
up

livingroom

the few steps

of the
A

cold

objectof
shiver

beautiful
room.

dark

placewas

"

to

my

ran

creatures

with

the

exceptionof a small light

ah, atmosphere,I thought.We started
porch,and anxious to get a preview
I peeped into the window.
affections,

the

down

but

my
a

man,

spine when
pacing

up

saw

and

not

down

two

the

Clowning Through

io8
Not

until I

was

boomed

I allotted

had

singlesecond

awakened

of my

out

"And

now

I'llget you, you

That

was

my

dying

so

take-off

Instead of
into the

door.

screen

that

voice

rati"

away

speedingto the

safety

own

my

griefby

signal.Gnawed

I raced

young,

to

Basebal

open

the

in

"

road

and

the fear of

by

direction.

wrong

freedom, I

myself grapplingwith

I found

ran

the

husband, trying to ward off a blow from

justice-dealing
his smoking revolver. The
powder from his shots the
shots which
felled the unfortunate Harris, dropped hotly
neck. I thought all alongthey were
bullets.
on
my
Breaking clear,I found the steps. There may have been
none
going down. I just
steps leadingup, but there were
the tail of my
leaped off the porch like a bird in flight,
raincoat stuck out so flat you could playcards off it.Down
the road I blazed,with shots blazing
after me.
It had rained all that night and there was
a
big pool
"

of

water

so

fast

Owens

about

block

this time,

by

only

the house, but

one

second-rate

justa

was

from

foot hit the

going

was

Jesse

water.

sprintercompared

to

that

me

night.
I

ran

Weak,

and
at

until I

ran

loss for

justcouldn't keep going

The

dead

once

every

of

of my

find

almost

neck

for

I took
perspiration.

floored

were
me

again to Harris, stretched

none.

and
out

my

there

probablydead. Maybe he
maybe he needed help.I figuredit out
yet
and worto Harris
angle,torn between loyalty
ground, most

from

handful

sigh of relief I heaved

thoughtsturned
the cold,wet
on
wasn't

I felt the back

look for bullet holes. There

to

more.

breath,I stopped,expecting to

myselfbleedingto death.
a
blood,but all I got was
off the raincoat

any

Back!

Lover, Come
ries about

and

told

health

own

my

myself,and

I battled

"

dead

One

won.

109

isn't

the madman

as

with
fiercely
many

would

as

dead, I

two

surelyget

i" I

me

back.

\went

Still uncertain, I
miles I had

many

been

spent

walk

all the way.

began my

to

for the

trek back

go, I didn't know.

liquor,cab

and

to

the hotel. How

All my

oranges,

on

dead

"

or

I had

to

notifysomebody

badlywounded.

that Harris

had

money

I had

so

down
I stumbled
as
My feet complainedbitterly
ready to drop from exhaustion momentarily.But
go

science
con-

my

the

road,

I had

was

big car, with tremendous

to

to

either

head-

clowning Through Baseball

no

lightsall lit up zoomed down the road, and like a scared

still
rabbit,I flew into the bushes,thinkingthe chase was
then

on.

From

hat

pulledover

on,

my

greatest exhibition

I walked

with

coat-collar up,

my

givingwhat
imaginable o" a

consider

the

derelict lost in

the

eyes,

my

now

woods.
of fear running all over
the cold sweat
I
Shakily,
me,
reached the hotel,ready to pack up and sneak out
finally
all jumbled.Could the whole
of town.
My thoughtswere
have been a ghastlyjoke? No.
matter
Everythinghad
worked
too
smoothlyfor that. But if it was, I'd soon find
of the boys would have been in on it,and one
Most
out.
of them

bound

was

seemed

be the best

to

Silence,in

away.

lipsand

what

from

lips.

bunch

be

to

meant

was

any

case,

policy.

I strolled,
a forced
lobby,therefore,

Into the

my

give it

to

smile

my

whistling

tune,

merry

on

of the

were
boys,an unusuallylargegathering,
all clustered near
the door. They seemed to be waitingfor
As I approached,
of them spoke
one
somethingor someone.

up:

look

"You

of the

Some

littlepale,
Al."

boys laughedat that,and

laughedwith them. You

thoughtI had caughton
from

broken

ribs

should
and
as

at

have

to

heard

least nine

test

them,

them.
of them

result of their

They
fered
suf-

uproarious

laughter.
They stoppedlong enough to tell me the entire story,
and I'm stilllookingfor a fall guy to pullit on, it was
so
of the
good. I found out that Walter Johnson and some
others

were

readyto

hidden

shoot

as

alongthe steps of
whizzed by.They

the
did

porch with
"

all but

guns,

Johnson,

off the

the

there

porch,

passionate

really

What

"Hey,

Al.

Even

find

if

out

claimed
lost

like

would

and

great

to

she's
if I
actor

hidden

players

should

what

gang
in

have

scene.

is

How's

the

trigger. Besides

watching

that, joke
now,

keep

they couldn't

over,

every

in

once

when

while,

shout:

will

big cities, someone

in

appear

love

leaping

I made

figure

other

sixteen

house

hurts

themselves.

to

pull the

were

the

opposite

the

sillyat

so

couldn't

lot

been

he

porch,

the

by

himself

laughed

who

it

Back!

Come

Lover,

Margie.?"

Tampa

NiARG/"

see

as

missed

when

Margie
good

looking

anything.
young

day.

some

And

Bucky

woman

as

Harris"

took

like

would

up

the

to

Harris

stage

baseball.

ENTER,

Although

note

hidden

that my
One

year,

roster

talents

the

other language

well),I

too

none

find

There

is

play a single

cannot

had

that

we

Cuban

two

Torres,
pitcher,
on

ball

that

town.

had

two

the Cubans

When
of their

City decided
the

came

the

to

in

were

plantedin
at

seat

near

the

tc|

oil

Commerce

with

of the

do with

center.

ouri

on

Torres

City;

in droves

team

Span

it,too.

nice

quiet evening. The

immediatelyushered

least five hundred

Whatever
Spanish.

of Ybor

fact that I look like

banquet hall preparedfor

good drinks, and

entered,however, I was
there

The

me.

probablyhad something to

few

dais and

and

Acosta

outspoken member

most

invited
theynaturally
ish Indian

honor

to

sively
exclu-

countrymen

own

City,;

almost

Spanishwas

Ybor

Being

wej

Here

called Ybor

Tampa

cheer

dinner.

playerson

catcher. It is seldom

down
to the trainingcamp
they came
the Chamber
of
these boys.Finally,

team,

Margie,

met

big league club.

settlement in

cigar manufacturingcenter.

learned

two.

Cuban

spoken in

me

brought out.

were

Cuban

one

blessed with

regarded

am

I almost

citywhere

Senators

Acosta,

"

that you

o" any

althoughI

the

Tampa,

in

was

were

that

word

piano,let alone hear it,people consider

the gallopingkeys.

genius of

the

speak a

XII

the

on

It

cannot

And
linguist.

master

PROFESSOR!

English (and

except
as

THE

supper,

moment

up

to

th'

In front of

m^

Cubans, all chattering

awa,

I could hear

was

in

Spanish and

Enter, the Professor!

dawn

beganto

on

u^

that

me

should

perhapsI

send

for

out

interpreter.

Not

accustomed

jp, I leaned

beingouttalked

to

the

to

over

the

gentleman

Cuban

ater

learned,was

:rom

for
Washington especially

Fo make

answered

sh.

in

me

They

loise for

stood

there

up

for

attempt

through it

sit

to

as

dais,waving

solid hour.

They

ailed

spoke"
in

But

on.

while

arms

too

much

made

mad

dramatic

For

at

least

half

he

was

theycalled on
but they had

For

hone
me.

moment,

unable

went

hour,

the

familiar

consul

tribute to
fitting

do it with

to

League,
he

what

note

in

my

mind.

I remained

either

ranted

completelyexhausted.

me,
to

struck

words

bewildered

down,

sat

or

under-

gestures, he

couldn't comprehend

Although I

about, the

Ireadymuch

ng,

was

things.Every once
quick at catching
hit the table with his fist and shout,

am

he would

Jaseball Club.

hat

was
right,

my

Vcosta,
Torres,catch,Washington,American
pitch,

le

Span-

their

catchinga littlenap, and

to
listening
something I

with
Talkingloudly,

on.

and

vas

got

we

and

rose

called on, talked"

the

on

far

as

consul,the gentleman on

the Cuban

Then

to

me

that's

nothingof.

tood

"n

here

occasion.

momentous

toastmaster

speakershe

the

vildly,
raving away
orced

my

brought down

this

Spanish,and

speechesbegan.The

Spanish.All

consul

chirp
right,who, I
to

here this evening,eh what?"

crowd

the

or

on

chance

conversation,I said:

"Nice
He

with

talk

or

I figuredit
Finally,

one

It

was

of my

When
then
stand-

gestures.

motionless

before the micro-

gesture, which
out.

on.

is very strange

Everybodyelse spoke in

Through Baseball

Clowning

114

Spanish,
why should

I be different? I'llspeak in

Spanish

too.

I raised
Dramatically,

arm

for silence.

chaketa, sapalanto,
loreto,"I orated,wavin;

"Lamoutra,
my

my

"Safinko, moresanta,
violently.

arms

American

Washington

League

trotata, Torres

quila,
moresepo,

en

sapiento,tra

savanta,

catch

pitcl

L'Acosta

Washington

can
Ameri-

League baseball."
gestures became

Steadily,
my

voice

grev

louder.

louder and

"Molay

weirder, my

sapintachequoi somolo

moreta

catch

pitchTorres
ball" Bushwa"

Washington"

Nuts"

rAcostj

amoson

American

League"

Bast

Espaniol."
MOUV

MOR"Ta

^N^SHlM""TON

With
almost

that,and

fierce slam of my

dislocated my

knuckles, I

fiston
sat

the table

down,

whicl

somewh

speechv^^hichwas, in my opi
consul
ion anyway,
exact
an
duplicateof the Cuban
applausegreeti
speech,only much shorter. Tremendous
the Cubans
rocb
the finish and for fullyfive minutes

from
fatigued

the house
The

this tiresome

with their cheering.

consul,however,

toastmaster,

I heard

him

was

ask

puzzled.Leaning over
in perfect
English:

to

Clowning Through Baseball

ii6

play a piano?What

silly
question.Why, I can
and play by ear, but I have
beat the devil out of an octave
And anyhov^,I'm supposedto clow^n on this bill,
a bad ear.
and this will be as good a chance as any to do my act."
I

"Can

convinced, he

from

Far

proceededto
frock coat,

get

painteda

hair,and
When

it

handkerchief

I then

Elman's

our

in my

on

me

sleeve,mussed

for the call.

RachmaninofJ's

accordingto

nonetheless.

littleFrench-looking
mustache

waited

was

consented

for action. I borrov^^ed Mischa

set

with burnt cork,put

my

turn

arrangement,

sadlyannounced:
"Ladies and gentlemen: It

on

went

stage, the

ager,
man-

the floor

onto

and

have

to

will

deep regret that

that Professor Rachmaninoff

announce

train and

is with

not

be with

us

missed

tonight.However,

we

his
are

having present tonight,the great French

pianist.Professor Chinini, who has gladlyconsented to

fortunate

take his

in

place."

(CHIMIN!/

Enter, the Professor!

I made

delighted.
They cheered wildlyas
Looking as serious as I could possibly

seemed

audience

The

entrance.

my

117

and

look, I steppedto the front of the stage

in

grave

said:

tone,

gentlemen:I play for

and

"Ladies

called 'Sonnotra.' Thees

composition

you

of three

composition consist

num-

and ze
Butterfly,
Hungarian Rhapsody, Madam
Symphony in C minor. I playze three difficultnumbaires

baires,ze
all at

time. I sank

one

Amid

you."
I sat down
applause,

more

of

the mannerisms
from

and

memory,

thrown

and

down,

few

my

all over

strewn

was

face took

my

with

on

doing.Every
by luck,that

my

and

now

sounded

the

dramatic

head

keys.I

from

running

out

to

was

this

of the

hit

burst into
a

octave,

an

My

eyes, and

in my

laughterat

comedy

stunned

act

the

by

"

was

purely

any

ment"this
mo-

kept pummelling

tenseness

The
tomfoolery.

and

audience

Rhapsody.

my

masquerade go

on

the

keyboard to

keys,I floppedface

of

them.

RapidlyI went
other, and finally,

firstoff the stool and

the floor.

onto

It

end

one

hands

like music.

silence that

long could

keys.My

delightin what

then, I would

greetedmy
wrapped up in
completely

How

muster

innovations

bobbing with

forehead and

supposedto be

was

I could

own

the

at

of fiendish

look

Expecting the crowd

was

of my

all

piano.With

pianistthat

in, I started beatingaway

traveled up
hair

classical

the

at

then

was

and

You

should

have

the

comic

note

Risingfrom
"As

much

the
as

only then that the audience got wise.

those peoplelaugh.They appreciated
seen
thrown
into so
serious an
atmosphere.

floor,I asked for

I would

like

to

silence and

playfor

you

announced:
another

com-

Clowning

ii8

it

position,
I

have

ees

catch

to

boat

ze

zat

urgent

veree

Through
catch

for

train

for

England

to

to

Baseball
York.

New

before

recital

geev

keeng."

ze

happy.
had

the

in

didn't

"You

while

whispered
"

'He

technique

yours

might
is

when

playing,
in
be

terrible

my

the

an

by

me

Al.

stepped

elderly

Clark

Mrs.

minute,
you

and

again

surprised
for

me

house

hotel,

the

audience,

were

you

the

at

fool

of

walk

crazy

back

Later,

been

me

down

brought

That

really

was

Griffith,

who

saying:
that

recognized

the

on

stage.

sitting

woman

But

next

to

ear:

French

great

and

he

seems

pianist,'

slightly

she

off

said,

key

'but

tonight.'

his
"

PILGRIM'S

Rotund,

PROGRESS!

Miley

Jack

jovial

sports writers. I like him

but
ability

I will

is

of the

one

friend and

as

XIII

take him

never

for

country'sablest
admire

ride

his writing

again.He

of

gratitude.
In 1937, I quitcoaching,
not
by popularrequest as you
volition. Here was
would
but of my own
readilyassume,
one
job I had I wasn't fired from and it wasn't the old
before the boss shouted "You're
"I quit,"
story of yelling
has

no

sense

fired!"

be that the

It may

been

have

may

my

wanderingbug

desire

reputationas

my

my

fame, if any,

not

be selfish.Here

as

the American

to

I decided
what
the

same

nut

clown

then and

and

there

reallywas

Thus,

in the world

the
had

it struck

coachingHues.
by far outgro\\Ti
me

that I should

comedy

gettingpaid only for

to

let the whole

and

ing.
coach-

country

chargethem

see

for it

that in 1937, I assumed

it was,

it

again or

restricting
my wonderful

was

League

Schacht
time.

on

gray

coach,and

me

get somewhere

to

instead of growing old and

Anyway,

bit

at

the

fancytitle*of "Clown Prince of Baseball,"and became the

fool. And
circus a traveling
Vagabond Zany a one-man
the world's broadest individual.
if travel is broadening,
I am
the thickness of my
I'm not
to
head,
referring
"

"

either.

Aprilof

that year, justbefore

firsttour
starting
my
of the country, Miley had the good fortune of takinga
litde tripwith me.
He's very luckyhe went
then, because
In

119

Clowning Through

120

reallywarmed

I hadn't

that

ride with

can

he would
he

wrote

he

Peoplemight
York

"A

truth

there's some

have

kept

it

himself.

to

from

the

New

April 6, 1937, merely because it's too

however, that I'm
anythingabout it.I stillinsist,

of

case!

mental

what's more,
that the whole

so
trip,

impression.
reprintingJack'scolumn

Daily News

late to do
not

could

swore

get the wrong

herewith

I'm

but he

me

again.And

car

everybody

graciousabout

very

judge.I'lladmit

but he

wrote

it isn't

thank

story of that uneventful

what

in

foot in my

should read and

world

not

onlydidn't

not

set

never

Jack was

me.

this littlejaunt and

yet but

up

Baseball

Pilgrim's
Progress!
"By Jack Miley

try
"Raleigh,N. C, April6. Travelingthroughthe counwith Al Schacht,the Clown
is just
Prince of Baseball,
"

like
note:

"

would

curious
diamond

member
And

bunch

of

I think

"

restful than

more

Al. In

monkeys [Editor's
the

tossers

coconut

misguidedmoment

Florida, I acceptedSchacht's invitation

in

New

with

that] except

resent

be

down
to

around

hanging

York

with

find

to

him. I
what

out

reallyis.

of the Not

if you

wish

I'llsend you

am

agreed,I think,because
now

Dull

joinyou

to

of

manner
an

Moment
must

this zany

man

organizerand
Schacht

with
mail

me

your

drive

to

was

of the
charter
Club!

dues

and

button and the club gripsand

countersigns.
Everythinghas happened since we shoved off from Tampa
land
Sunday afternoon! By the time we tool through that HolTunnel
I expect to be just as daffyas Al, for his
ailment
"But

is

contagious.

let us

start

at

the

When
play-by-play.

plete
beginningand giveyou the comAl and I steppedout of the Tampa

Pilgrim'sProgress!

with

Hotel

Terrace

during the

the ball

sweetie

or

of

some

her

to

boarded

she bade

you

Al

began to beef
'Yeah, you
replied.

had

*Me?' I
etiquette.
that!' he grinned.'You

*I

never

seemed, heard

were

we

my

north

was

his breach

of

giving me

good for
his girl,
he rewas
plied,
life.'The
lady,it

do

thoughtshe

headed

fond

her name?'

don't be

sports writers

her before in

saw

about

us

'That

What's

"

I said I

When
yourselves.'

there,chum.

justas

me,

this

seen

parksand surmised she was the

We
player.
dropped her off at

niftylittlenumber
asked

sonville
Jack-

to

I had

for Memphis.
sleeper

gorgeous

Tampa

me.

railroad station,
where
the Jacksonville

farewell and

roadster. I wondered

drive from

he didn't introduce

Httle pip around

found

of his black

seat

two-hundred-mile

why

spouse

luggage,we

our

in the front

blonde

121

and

pretty

justclimbed

into

machine.

our

started for the hotel in the rain. I heard

"We

singing softlybehind

game.'Had

this

in the rumble

seat

sat

lookingobjectyou ever
the pink elephantshad

the

out

me

the ball

to

of the window.

peeredout

He

crooner.

for

and

saw,

had

and

moment

tion
addi-

There

the damnedest

was

with

caught up

battered silk hat

wore

take

fellow,Schacht,ventriloquist
giftsin

his other talents ? I

to

*Oh,

me,

somebody

me.

thought

The

full dress

yodeler
suit with

He had a coupleof broken bats,a pitcher's

brightred lapels.
Schacht's
glove and a road map in his lap.The togs were
We
rogated
pulledto the curb and Schacht interclowning costume.
this stowaway.
young

man

park ten
to

New

too.'

began.'I
days ago and

York.

When

'Aw, Al,
met

you

asked
you

you

you

in

the

remember
St.

if you

said you

were,

were

me,' the

ball
Petersburg
drivingback
I decided

to

go

Clowning Through Baseball

122

"There's

much

not

doesn't talk much.

is

and
soft-spoken

speak up.

'He

youngster,

'and

if he

me

and

that he

as

he

has

taken

littledeaf,the stowaway

kind

at him
constantly
yelling
complex,'says
inferiority

an

wasn't

going

all the way

the

don't

his way
sorta

to

New

to

somebody else. Say, you

going a few miles out of

Boston, do you? After all,he's

to

up

name

the

is

ride with

his

he'd mind

suppose
run

Schacht

gives me

York, I'd bum

like that,so

case

is that he lives in Boston,

hitchhiker

confirmed

don't know

we

All I know

dislike to Schacht. Al is

of

do in

can

is stillwith us, but

stowaway

that he

you

and

sible
respon-

for me.'
"Al's queer

South
inn

idea of

Carolina

nightand

over

the stowaway

at

comedy nearlygot
this

town

when

another

on

to

stoppedat

joinSchacht

tle
litan

and

sturdycitizens,
of their hip pockets.
vicinity

from
of a black eye I won
vestiges
week, they regardedme gravelyand began

last

followingme

down

breakfast I noticed several

I stillretain

the Cards

in
jailed

morning. We'd

came

with suspicious
bulgesin the
Since

him

the

around.

leg of

I asked

our

When

we

checked

and

out

journey,theytrailed us

to

started

the

edge

Schacht about it.'I was

kiddinga waitress
and I guess she got scared and called the cops,'
laughed Al.
she broughtme
'When
of those
I put one
my orange juice,
Al Capone scowls on
puss and whisperedto her out
my
of the corner
of my mouth, 'Say,sister,
a
you don't know
good bank around here we could hold up, do you?'
"Schacht has a strange tongue he speaksto bewilder the
but it is neither.
peasants. It sounds like Spanishor Italian,

of

town.

Moe

Berg, erudite

closest
to

pal,says
some

Al

peons

catcher of the Red

pickedup
in Mexico.

this weird
'It is

is Schacht's

Sox, who

as

ing
jargon after listennutty

as

he is,'
says

Clowning Through Baseball

124
to

who

guy

that much

covers

It
territory.

1938 that I could

sleepingfor me

aflord the

1937, 1 did all my

alone.
traveling

There

chauffeur

could

something about

be

must

of them

none

"

luxuryof

drive

"

to

and

that gave

me

until

not

was

do my

thus, in

me

away

perhapsit was my lonesome nature which

called out for a friendly
to listen to my
ear
highlyamusing
stories. I am
not
a
happy unless I'm telling
story, and thus
that the strangest peoplewere
it was
seen
enteringand
leavingmy car.
as

soft touch,or

But
and

well educated

was

though it

day,when

my

sold

as

to

trick

Going
an

at

I take him

this

on

would

be

but my

company,

have

been

what

He
psychic.

his voice held

asked

sad,mournful

was

me

look

patheticnote.

My

After all,he
soft,big heart yielded.
and

if

fellow

a
to hook
ride,he should be
ability
took the playcompletely
away from

and

I will resort

Louisiana, for
Shreveport,

from

Dallas. There

guy'sface,and

said no,

head

Wind,

taughtme.

must

to

the

fellow
approachedby a shabby-looking

was

station. He

gas

would

with

Gone

Dallas,Texas,

to

appearance,
a

I don't regret it. In fact,some

costly,
clowningdays are over and this book hasn't

hitchhiker

of the road in 1937,

was

copiesas

many

the ways

to

has

enough selling

rewarded.
me.

He

This

fellow

told the stories

tale.

onlya coupleof miles when I was

from a periodof deep thoughtby the
suddenly awakened
most
recentlyacquired
agonized crying. There was
my
We

must

have

traveled

chum, holdinghis
"If
off."

onlyI

knew

head

where

in his hands

there

was

and
a

shouting:

I'd jump
high bridge,

Pilgrim'sProgress!

by

Startled

125

tragictrend of the conversation,I almost

the

lost control of the wheel.

"What

be the trouble,young

to

seems

man?"

I asked

after a while.
wailed:

he
Sobbing,chokingly,

I let it go
I made

up

for

and

understand

wouldn't

"You

understand."

that,thinkingperhapshe had

at

mind, however,

my

not

to

rode in

miles,we

ten

some

wouldn't

you

"

toothache.

high bridge,
silence. Then, he
a

pass

tense

burst forth again.

"What

am

do?

to

What

"Are

sick?"

you

so

are

willingto
work.

my

kids. Here

do

anything to

How

was

he
on

make

story
"

"Keep

your

That

terly.
bit-

to

that

Maybe, I

to

see

me

for

should have given him

week

I can't find

her

tonightand

break

yet."
little,
although he kept

the
two

him

hotel,and

more,

later,going back

over

with

help me

feelingsorry

I gave
dollars,

him

R\c.

He might
thought.

if he finds
jump off that highbridge,

About

and

highlyemotional voice,

Dallas. I had

I reached

after he asked

work

sheddinga few tears myself.

bad, buddy,"I encouraged him.

quiet him
in

to

nothingdoing."
pullingat my heart-strings

in

chin up. You'll get

seemed

enough

starving

of

the verge

sobbingall the way

baggage when
my
for him

is done

she's

livingbut

wife when

same

utters

it can't be

"Now,

even

strong

am

this time, this fellow is

Every word
and

wife is, and

my

I face my

can

tell her the

to

By

do?'* he moaned

I asked.

"No," he groaned,"but

have

to

now.
frightened
really

was

and

am

one.

the

same

road, I

Clowning Through Baseball

126

stoppedat
was

me,

for

gas station and

that

"Oh,

the road. I

him

see

often

dawned

on

he's got

new

thrill and

it was

gas station open

of them

many

with

these

without

them

gas

Charles,

began to

this station,

one

the
sees

the road.

on

attendant looked
my

four

located
finally

because

into the station,

delightedat the

give

tearingat

Lake

to

few feet from

to

reallygentlemen.

that
difficulty

attention

I'll

They give you

hours, my

for business. A

chiminto.
"Sacato,jalapo,

to

And

leavingTulsa about

me,

some

littleconversation,I said

The

were

of

two

individuals,
rough-looking
lurkingin

passedtwo

Driving
a

you'vegot

morning. After ridingtwo

shadows, but paid no

so

ing,
liv-

second

act

an

encountered.

jump from Tulsa,Oklahoma,

out, and

I had

ever

two

Louisiana, justa breeze for

run

for
hitchhiking

hitchhikers.

take what

These
heart-strings.

in the

nice racket

the acquaintanceof

made

to

road

story.

admit

I made

the

sob story and

have

your

down

I think by this time, though,

tragedy.

I
holdup men
that I preferthem

was

same

the nicest

bit of

and

ridingup

clowning.He

long after this,I

Not

ever

he's part of

"Why

that this fellow had

me

in the field of

none

traveler

if he had

man

answered.

man

givingeverybodythe
to

traihng

day."

better than

even

"

been

before.

guy," the

probablytwice
It then

the station

inquiredfrom

this fellow

seen

had

weeping friend again,askinganother

my

ride. I

there,as if he

car

aforementioned

at

opportunityfor

cheerfully:
Fill 'er up, chief."
me

as

if I

the gas. While

individuals

were

crazy

but proceeded

waiting,I noticed

sizingme

up.

Perhaps

Pilgrim'sProgress!

they'veseen

127

somewhere

me

thought.After all,I'm

in

famous

o" the ball

one

a public
personality,
figure.

and slowly started my

paid the gas man
about
make
a
completeturn and as I was

fellows

jumped

each side. My
to

lean

and

up

top

onto

"Keep going,"theyordered
chance

me

ask them

to

of them

these

so,

on

able

were

car.

if they meant

as

do

to

to

it,not

giving

sit down.

to

keptgoing.

Stunned, I

couldn't

imagine what

that this

think,however,

the woods

far and

it

scared

with
car

ended

my

the thick

This is

nice of them
had

visioned
in my

going

was

too

able

was

of the woods.

was

to
so

as

"Stopthe

one.

and

car

get

out.

field

myselftied

to

let me

day

while

to

tree

in
my

while

on

the

secret.

feet shook

theymade

My imagination
with

fear. I

their getaway

car.

have

can

ask you

all the money

courage

and

for time,
stalling

I've got, but I would

like

to

something."
and

baseball. My

since I had

been

through
widelypublicized
Oklahoma, they might know
something about

figuredthat

Texas

This

leadinginto

quickly.

"Fellows,"I said,pickingup

"you

side road

miles

two

holdup!"

was

questions,so

work.

to

suspense

right,"
theysaid

"All

into

I didn't

on.

about

that
difficulty

some

into

for

I drove

murder.

reflexes refused

my

They

nice spot for

was

the

maneuver

It

"

going

was

the time

was

kept my mouth shut, for once.

when
they ordered me to turn

both

so

the

into
quite comfortably

I had

car.

running board, one

my

down,

was

parks,I

name

was

household

word

in that part of

Clowning Through Baseball

128

the country, and

of
"Are

lived in

holdup men

know
certainly
takingmy car.

would
out

if

who

Maybe

was.

house, they

I could talk them

fellows interested in baseball?" I asked.

you

"My

is Al Schacht."

name

They

weren't

"We

don't

interested in baseball.
who

care

said. "It will do you

know

days.You

two

Hand

the

over

I handed

$8i

over

did

through all my
all my

good

where

dough

They

car.

my

no

talk. We

to

to

and be

get

to

seem

I
pockets.

some

money,

trust

in

we

don't.

it."

me,

convinced

two

eaten

stillworried

was

them

about

for

they went
that they had

money.

"Fellows,"I spokeup again,"how

some

haven't

quickabout

in cash but

not

of the

are," the younger

you

for

money

"You

about

me
letting

have

gas?"

just filled your

tank, didn't you?" they declared

firmly.
I

had

that while

pointedout
some

five hundred

"Well, how

much

miles

do you

tank

my
to

was

full that I still

go.

think you

need

to

get there?"

they asked impatiently.

I

was

"Five

They

about

handed

me

"

the

it.

meekly.

that easy. I should have

it was
five,

least.

at

into the

car

the main
car

$8i but thoughtbetter of

and ordered
gently,
in
road. This time they joinedme
to drive to the main
the best of pals,
front seat, and three abreast,
we
proache
ap-

Back

the

say

dollars will do," I declared

asked for ten,

me

to

so

happy, I

theyshoved

highway.I

me,

happy I stillhad
from clowninga bit.

was

couldn't refrain

but

my

Pilgrim'sProgress!

"How's

business,fellows?"

somethingabout
"This

is my

up, you

inquired,anxious

to

learn

business I knew

first job,"the

promptlyreceived
"Shut

129

the ribs from

dig in

nothingabout.
and
one
replied,
younger

fool!" he almost

his

mate.

yelled.'

MOWABOUT

LETTING
ME

HAVE

AVONEY
P^CMlGAS

Hittingthe highway, I
the side of the road.
the car, got
"Get

out

and

noticed

They

asked

climbed

going," they shouted

small
in

me

Ford

parked off

nice way

to

stop

into the Ford.

to

"and

me,

keep

your

trap

shut."
I rode

away

and

my

and

shouted:

feelingmuch

charming company.

if
"Hey fellers,
dough!"

you

ever

lighterrelieved
"

I waved

get

them

rich, send

of my

cash

cheerygood-by,
me

back

my

Through

Clowning

I30

With

am

reached

now

the

stepped

junk

allergic

it

my

to

to

their

hitchhikers
I

hard

car

gas

with

where

stage

in

the

on

car

my

find

stowaways

much

comparing

start

that

to

it

is

will

get

make

they

sure

wouldn't

Ford.
and

holdup
for

stop

along

difficult

Baseball

to

with
hide.

one,

no

me.

men.

and
There

have

even

is

so

Clowning Through Baseball

132

of

returned. He

banana

slappeda

in front

me.

"Me
a

Manchu

Fu

when

juiceand milk," he spoke up with

amazing. "Me justhave banana."

have orange

no

that
placidity

was

of argument,
Disgusted,seeing the futility

I settled for

the banana.

Returning

to

car, I

my

of the dirtiest

jumping

were
never

in

seen

feel proud
the

humble

or

knowing

at

seen.

if

they stared

me

whether

asked

I should

where

him

startled,
surprised

me,

to

was

they had

I picked
scrutiny,

talk,and answered

if I
Obviously,

teen
by sixThey

with

me

shrug

get there,I had

do

to

navigating.

own

saw

spot I had

thought.It
Here

I
in

morning, after drivingdown

in the

seven

which

any

tainside,
moun-

most

lated
popu-

can't be it,I

all

was

fifteen hundred.
some

to

more

me

as

than

hiding.I discovered

they were

me

sleepat all,scheduled

looked

populationof

and

It took

the

was

since Charleston. That

seen

without

town

cluster of houses. It

the

was.

was,

have

time

to

locate the

to

if it couldn't
hundred

later the

who

man

form
persibly
pos-

all told

"

population
had

hired

for this appearance.

"What's

are

they saw

looked

He

was.

ever

kangaroosas

in the face of such

I could

of his shoulders.

me

when

I have

lookingkid and
intelligent

most

perhaps,that

At

like

before,and

car

Pennington Gap

my

down

greater bafflement. Not

even

out

lookingkids

and

up

discovered it surrounded

all the

ball game

this,a joke?"I shouted,really

angry. "Where

peoplecoming

from

who

this afternoon ? I can't

"You'll be

he
surprised,"

said

even

are

see

going
a

ball

helpfully.

to

see

this

park."

Wuthering Heights
"This

is

fine time

133

for

I yelled.
"That's all
surprises/*

gettingall morning."
"don't
"Al," he declared cheerfully,

I've been

Do

and

guarantee

there's
lot of

that

see

you

you'll
get

coal mine

good

if you

those miners
I looked

pep

it.I

want

in the

there. It would
went

there

up

do

to

you

peak

mountain

do
at

I made

worry.

me

favor.

distance?

Well,

attendance

our

and

time

noon

you

gave

talk."

the mountain

peak.I

dizzyjustlooking.
how do we
"And
that I
not
get up there?" I inquired,
wanted to go, but merely out of curiosity.
"On
a
cable,"he said simply.
"How
this cable?" I asked, and
I go up on
high must
added a sample of my inimitable humor. "Wouldn't
it be
simplerto send them a telegram?"
He laughed.This guy'sall right,
I thought,
but I changed
quickly.
my mind
"Oh, it's only four thousand feet,Al,'*he said.
I almost passedout.
"This requires
a little
thought,"I declared diplomatically
Well, I won't say I will,and
"Only four thousand feet
this as I'm not a
I won't say I won't, but don't depend on
climber. I feel faint justthinkingabout it."
mountain
his face at
A look of deep disappointmentspread over
The guy was
hurt by my attitude. I conanswer.
vinced
really
my
at

him, however, that I could

climb of

mere

"I'll let you

"but firstI

must

four thousand

got

think

feet after

at noon,"
definitely
laymy weary body down

know

Sleep either gave me

courage
Promptly at noon, I drove around
"Let's go,"I said,"I'm ready."

or

to

better about
littlesleep.

I comforted
for

numbed
see

him,

nap."
my

the fellow.

senses.

Clowning Through

134

Baseball

about to walk a pirate

probablysounded like a man
plank,but the show must go on. After all I had traveled
all night and wanted
there would be people
to make
sure
enough in the park at game time to pay me my guarantee.
If climbinga four-thousand-foot peak would
helpthe gate,
won't a fellow do for his public?
I had to do it. What
I

the way

On

the way,

"By

this

to

over

have

cable,I

him

traveled

ever

you

asked

this cable yourself?"

on

"it's a funny thing.

I prob"Al," he said apologetically,
ably

have started
when

"And

it.It

at

on

going
where

was

to

I could

it

sure

can

stand

eyes and

my

was

I didn't
guy

want

to

who

down, of

duced
in-

course.

down.

started

sunrise,wc

halfway
approximately
kerchief
longer.I rippedthe handdown. I was
hanging from

no

looked

companion

jump. We
what they mean

feet touched

at

were

I wouldn't

understand

go

be shot

and my

with
nearlycollapsed
do

to

man

We

make

When

and

who
president,

as

me

I must,

until I got there. The

going

sky.I shook all over

now

blindfold

slow, drearyclimb.
ofE my

to

take this littletripremained

to

there when

to

and

all that distance

out

knees buckle. If I must,

my

Blindfolded,like

the

times

smart.

was

line stretched

with me,

up

me

up,

an

I'm well insured. I asked the mine

anyway,

He

hundred

and fearfully
I gazed
finally,
angle of seventy-five
degrees.The

that tremendous

in the air made

see

the cable

at

built

was

sightof

was

this cable

up

go

approachedit,I alwayslost my nerve."

to go up?" I screamed.
me
you want

arrived

We

to

Mother

Earth

relief.I

was

reached

by

had

to

hold

the top and

the "Last

four thousand

up there

me

now"

mile."
feet up,

all I had

Wuthering Heights
Still a bit

small and
a

weak,

gas

There

on

when

I could

and
stories,

get

feelingbetter
"

bottom

in

climb,I

decided

vowing

that
as

to

me

I told them

"

several baseball

farewell.

They
left ^reluctantly.

me

gave

"

tough enough going

It looked

on.

up

down.

to

get

I would

long as
have

must

always felt great

narrated

temporary
I

as

been

I was,

Sitting

me.

reached
Praying all the way, we
safety.
Wobbly after this eight-thousand-foot

tougher going

ground

listen

to

someone

cheer

cable had

mine

they immediatelysurrounded

bid them

tremendous

"

seemed

blew
president
running from everywhere out of
about eight
hundred of them, all with
^funnypeople.They were
obviously

brilliant comedian

The

hats

Suddenly,the

coal cart,

down

what

me.

were

as

led into the mine, which

was

came

jetsin their

expectingme

to

empty

whistle. Miners

nowhere.

135

been

some

more

never

was

sleepbefore

again

lift my

time,

game

feet from

the

conscious.

dozing a

half hour

when

was

denly
sud-

noise as if the entire

by a thunderous
mountain
were
erupting.It was
only rain, but what rain.
here I was, having traveled ten long
It poured buckets. And
hours through endless mountains, having risked my
life
by climbingeightthousand feet,faced with the prospect
for
of being rained out. I rushed over
to the team
manager
revealed that the rain was
fault
He
an
no
explanation.
of his; that every day, during that period of the year, it
rained without
fail at two
o'clock sharp; that those days
called "dog days."
were
As mysteriously
it had begun, the rain stopped,and
as
then I saw
the most
beautiful sightI have ever
seen
a
rainbow
againstthe mountainside,a rainbow so largeit

awakened

"

seemed

to

cover

the entire hill.I have

seen

rainbows

in my

Clowning Through Baseball

13^
time

but

never

out

and

reach

Happily,I
drove

one

touch

ball

uniform, jumped

the ball

What

park

hold

to

the Belmont

The

park had

bench

fence all around

fifteen hundred.

park when

There
I reached

litgas jets.
We
much

clowned

to

"

parison,
com-

originally
hundred.
have

must
^they

cut

it.
town

I learned

as

twelve

it.At

least nine hundred

hundred

was

people in
of them

there

nightgame,

millions of

of my

in this littletown

the world.

park in
get

ever

again.The

chance

peoplebut

putting on

career

this strange audience

was

so

They

I'm

were

cable,however,

is

back

out.

to

I have

nice

of the

one

before

show

my

with

very

going

I got

the

biggest
peopleand if

Pennington Gap
asked for waivers

it.

Just as
been
a

were

could have had

greatest kicks

on

Grounds

light.

I have

it

and

miners, stillwearing their working outfits,

including

vi^ere

ball

Polo

seatingonly two

"

Virginiato build
populationof this mining

The

the

"

here.

ranges

which

grandstand

in

tree

every

happen

mountain

Stadium,

look

one

track in the outfield alone. In

the home

thought was

Yankee

the

was

but

anymore,

two

and

car

experiences

my

that it could

me

the

Race

there

up

convinced

"

big enough
and

startle me

between
park ^planted

could almost

into the

park. I thought,after

today,that nothingcould
at

close you

so

it.

got into my

the

to

big and

so

some

scared of

common

imagine my
cable,I was

honey.

to blondes,I have
always
allergic
anythingover ground level. Even a tripin
are

guys

elevator

when
feelings
forced

the

gives me

to

make

not

my

whammies,

long after the

so

you

can

incident of the

firstairplane
trip.It

was

Wuthering Heights
I had

to

reach

137

for

Detroit

an

and

appearance

the

only

leaving
airport,
planeI could catch was one from Newark
I got into the planeand my
calm courat midnight.
age
Bravely,
turned to cold fear when
the only pasI noticed I was
senger.
I had

but

desire for

no

nothingcould

taken

be done

with

communion

about

it as the

the

stars,

planehad already

oif
.

passedAlbany

We

slippedby
with

the

Rochester
and

and

the weather

was

beautiful. We

and

the

was

still beautiful,

weather

in my
lap.I was really
practically
gettinga kick out of it when suddenlythe stars disappeared,
the moon
the wings of the planeseemed
vanished, and even
to

blow

stars

up

in

moon

wisp of smoke.

soup,

aerial soup,

thick

fog and flyingblind.

as

The

I discovered

smoke, however,

We
quickly.

\Y"T

the

On

and
"Are

verge

of

belabored
we

across

we're in. Will

"Don't
times. We

we

worry,

know

with

anxious

This

the

pilot
co-

is

ocean

fog

Paris in time?"

sonny," he said,"we've flown

our

business."

questions:

the Atlantic Ocean?

make

in

were

and hysteria,
I called
collapse
him

was

blind

many

Clowning Through Baseball

138

"how
"Well, then,"I suggestedhopefully,
this

ship and

and

Albany,where

turning it

take

"Now

sit with

you

the

ground.You

pilotand

might

and

moon

the

toward

stars

get

listen in
kick

taking

Rochester

shining?"

were

he admonished.
feller,"

it easy,

the

the other way

about

don't

"Why

the reports from

to

the

of it."

out

di-d.

sure

slappedon

the

phones and

ear

the first thing I heard

was:

"Don't
and

land. This is Buffalo.

to

try

hundred

two

fiftyfeet."

The

the
pilotkept circling

field.

feet,"the

hundred

"Ceilingthree
to

CeiUng

"Say, Pilot,"I inquired,"how

make
this landing?"

phonestold

ear

feet do

many

"At

least four

hundred," he replied.

"To

hell with

Buffalo,"I

what

are

need

you

cried.

"Sorry,sir,"he said,"but
"Well

me.

I've got

drop

to

mail."

some

waiting for,"I suggested."Drop

you

it!"

The

thing I

next

I got

of the

out

I had

storms

ground

ever

"Yes, we
"Yes, you

seen

of the

in progress, but I

was

again,are

up

are," he answered

in

tank of

planemany
me

water

was

baseball coach

and

worst
on

the

strangelyenough, Detroit

clown
was

fearfully.
eyelash.

we!'

times since,but

years
a

asked

battingan

firstand

of my
some

you?" I

without

are,"I shouted. "Not

All this reminds

a

landed.

plane immediately.One

going

not

I have been

into

had

we

didn't mind.

and

"You're

knew

at

last dive off

previouswhen
with

the

not

scene

the

was

night.
board
still

Senators, and
of

operations.I

Clowning Through

I40

Baseball

firm.

remained

he sent the diving

in desperation,
Finally,
I had to yield,
to work
on
me.
girls
"If I'm going to do this,"I cried,"I'll do it my
own
what I'm doing."
way. I'm not going to know
With that,I rushed out and bought me
a quart of liquor
the diving act
and proceededto get highlylit up. When
I
began, I was
ready to fighta dozen lions. Fearlessly,
waited for my cue. I was
dressed in my boxingtrunks,with
hat on
head at a rakish angle
battered stove-pipe
my
my

and

lit cigarin my

Then

the

came

"And

comedian, that

master

before

perform.We
tank of

managed

walk

to

though they

tell

tank.

way

cigarstillin

my

same

amazement

on

What

of

down

mouth,
face

I found

exit

climb

have

to

door

under

Drunk

or

back

how

and
ever

time

the

dropped

on

any

but

exactly

place,the

remember, for the

cot

surrounded

girlswho dived
passedthrough some

the

one

by

again.

next
a

lot

going

water

this
fortunately,

do that

the

into
"

stage.

the stage.

sober,I'llnever

like

expressionof

inane

completelyunder
and

edge

only once

most

I don't

twenty

deep.How

the hat stillin

seen

whereby
out

only

one

recollection althe

to

and

once

myselfon

for the second

emergency

knew

with

"

pipes.I had passed out

down
an

knew

plank,some

never

up

happened after that

thingI

the

ramrod,

came

went

my

Schacht."

staggeredup

StiflFas

the

Al

it is still beyond my

me

tell me

to

out

"

walker.
tight-rope

They

stagedin publicbut

led

water

great diamond

will give you

millions,

of

give you

that time been

by

feet above

gentlemen,that

fearless entertainer

dive,never
can

I had

announcement:

ladies and

now,

his famous

mouth.

tank

had

in didn't
sort

of

ABOUT

ADO

MUCH

Fame

road

paved with
I do

pitfalls.
to clowning
gloryis not,
and laughter.
hilarity

not

of course,

mean,

With

misinforms

me,

ever

beautiful

the very

you

that I do

stillthe greatest

am

the
incidental details,

turning my

as

start

fooled

the

curlyblack
of my

suppose,

press

my

vertise
ad-

agent

riblaugh-provoker,

baseball audience. It's those

to

means

would

produce as

not

exceptions,unless

rare

tickler,
etc., who

From

XV

its

has

The

NOTHING!

end, that

locks

premature

colorful career, I

person, the salesman's

with an
delight,
also a
I am
Fortunately,

rapidly

are

was

gray.

gullible

man
ardent faith in hu-

bit of

philosophic
soul,which counterbalances the unsuspectinggland in me,
and has kept my
sensitive system from
completely
collapsing
nature.

under

the strain of

recent

occurrences.

I cite from

a few
examplesof the thingsthat could happen
history
of the stories strike you as being
onlyto me, and if some
dence.
funny,in a one-sided sort of a way, it is merelya coinciI'm entirely
serious.
search for a chauffeur. The word
It all began with my
I am
chauffeur,
given to understand,is part of the English
in an up-to-date
I looked it up recently
dictionary,
language.
and it was
defined as "a professional
pert
exa high class one;
in the handlingof an automobile." I have even
gone

case

to

the

extent

of

gettingProfessor

of the
linguist-coach

Boston

word

find

apart for

me

to

Red

out
141

Moe

Berg, the

eminent

reallytake the
if it presumeda knowledge
Sox,

to

Through

Clowning

142

Baseball

driving.I have had four and one-half chauffeurs since

basis in
I began clowning throughbaseball on a pay-for-play
all prodiscovered so far is that they were
fessional
1937 and all I've

of

half stands for

The

get

crack

at

I fired before he could

guy

All he did

car.

my

ask

was

me:

gear?"
well-meaning columnist, givingme
what's

"Hey, Al,
A

send-off

on

my

ually
1938 tour, started the entire series of misfortunes by casmentioning that I was in the market for a chauffeur.
and highlyflattering
at the time, applications
As a result,

fan

mail

numbers

officein such

flooded my

that I hire

saved

fellow he knew, and

young

Gable's

put Clark

sisted
friend of mine, however, in-

dear

shame.

to

to

as

me

poring through all the literature.

plaining
this young
a
good driver?" I asked my pal,exguy
of the
all day and most
that I traveled practically

the trouble of
"Is

night,and
"Don't

very
worry,

expert. I'd
That

trust

fast.

him

with

3rd,but I was scheduled

parkspriorto that,so I
My

first stop

was

hop, so

I drove

it

game

Boston

at
to

and

appear

decided

I was
myself.

to

first to
or

two

tour

in

May

start

ball

mediatel
this expert im-

engage

that

slated

give my

to

was

in several Eastern

only a short
for the opening

was

next

League Park,

National

lesson

My

JerseyCity,but

York

New

to

me.

guy's an

life."

own

my

good enough for

was

friend said,"this

good

Al," my

decided

but

was

too

much

hurry to find parkingspace, so I turned the wheel over

newly hired chauffeur.
my
had better stay
I said. "You
"I am
double-parked,"
a

the wheel

as

there is

cop

on

the

corner

turn
re-

final instructions

manager

I
geography.

to

who

may

in
to

at

chase

Much
you

Ado

was

taxi-man, who
to

later I

minutes

floored. There

how

143

why

down

came

and

behind

the wheel

seemed

strange

of my
to

even

parkingthe

he wasn't

see,

I didn't

so

it up."
scratching
Such thoughtfulness
deserved
incident ride with

The

a
boy was really
familyand that counted

I took the wheel

hours

I turned
later,

"Buddy," I

declared

the hand, "take

lot with

and headed

stoppedfor

hunger, we

Hub

call

Al), he

me

have

take

big

chance

car

on

I let the

chance,so

myself:

lad, too. He

nice

side. Two

my

somewhat

to

to

politely

car.

another

passingremark

and

somethingfishysomewhere."

"There's

at

want

so

me,

Al"

it's brand-new

where

car,

(even my chauffeurs
explained,fidgetingand nervously,"you
"Well, you

almost

was

chauffeur, the expert, directing

a

my

was

park.This

asked him

and

the block

down."

come

Fifteen

Nothing!

If he does,keep going around

minute.

any

until I

About

the

to

fine

me.

for Boston, with

and

feur
chauf-

my

later,feelingthe

bite. Well-fed
my

from

came

pangs

of

little lazy

companion.

with

oomph

wheel.

Drive

and
away,

casual

wave

James.

To

of
the

town."

grand feelingto be able to order peoplearound

end for years. I was
all set to
after being on the receiving
I had
in the rear
seat, where
plantmyself comfortably
of my
over-stuffed glove,
out
riggedup a little mattress
and take a well-deserved snooze.
half-asleep
Practically
snapped out of my stupor
justthinking about it,I was
quite stunningly.
"I'm sorry, Al," said the boy expert. "But I haven't got a
drivinglicense."
It

was

Clowning Through Baseball

144
haven't got

"You

believe my
got
me,

"Did

ears.

license and

I
license,"
I hear

you

you'regoing to

need

don't

you

said

unable to
bitingly,
haven't
You
correctly?

drive for me?

Well, with

license. I'llprotect you

in

case

you

get into trouble."

"It isn't

only that,Al," he stammered.

driven

never

like yours. I

car

see, I have

"You

only drove

small car."

I HAVEN'T

(-

OOTA

ORIVERl?

I shouted, "all
the difference,"

"What's
If you

just can't
"Oh

see,

"This

deeplyhurt by

Al, I
am

is

decided

risking
my

can

you

no," he defended

yet and

and

one

drive them

are

alike.

all.Maybe, you

drive."

seemed

He

you

drive

can

cars

a
one

haven't had

that. He

was

himself.

"I

can

chance

to

take my

sensitive

boy.

drive swell. But

drivingtests

littleshaky."

fine time
then

and

to

there

Hfe. I ordered

him

tell me," I almost

that this
to

move

was

over

no

screamed,
time

and

to

be

took the

About

Ado

Much
wheel

Nothing!

again.There

once

to

was

145

be

rest

no

for the weary

that

day.
the gas

I steppedon
Angry, disgusted,

pent-up

emotions, and

ten

menace

assaulted

of the

out

It

man.

had

cop
to

out

of Providence

out

my

new

stopped for speeding.I

was

began

almost

was

over

"

and

car

delays.The
drive

me

miles

let

to

with

conversation

in
midnight and I was
other ideas,however.

policebooth

and

the

got

poUce-

no

mood

for

He

made

me

immediatelycalled

the

going but

the

Chief of Police.

Puzzled, I restrained

impatienceto

my

officerof the law irritated me

further

while waiting for the Chief

tune

to

get

by whistUng a dreary
I hate dreary
answer.

whistlers.
I committed

"Have
"Say,"I yelled.
that I have
The

cop

to

the Chief

see

Chief

"The

While
the

verge of

way,

The

at

to

himself. I would

Chief and

I cooled

heels. Ten

my

and
casually

over

no

his stooge got into

call the

to

longerin

be forced

to

gave

do

with

me

"

huddle

on

chair
my

good

behind

their

later,Chiefy

minutes

the

me

news.

Judge,"he said.

mood

for

diplomacy.This

issue had

head.

"Listen,Chief," I raged,"there
can

be

soon

the

thought.I thought wrong.

"I will have

was

waiting,calling

too

none

arrival of the Chief

strolled

mouth, he kept me

later."

on
frequentintervals. Finally,
contemplatedhomicide,I was saved from the

while

car

monotonous

O'kay, I'llcall back

now

the

at

in

phone:

isn't in

I frothed

Chief

by the

the

robbery

or

of PoHce?"

and
completely,

ignored me

drawl, spoke into

murder

either you

are

jailme

only two
or

give

thingsyou
me

ticket

Clowning Through

14^
for

I
speeding.

will have

Chief

The

Judge must

started

seemed

two

my

dawned

Judge,his

honor

calUng the Judge.

have

been

playmatesshowed
that I

me

out

playingbridge.After

the Judge stilldidn't

eternity,

an

on

locate the

call the Governor."

to

The

what

if you

suppose,

Baseball

it suddenly
signsof yielding,

no

too

and

answer,

was

Chief

of Police

"

honor

an

by my friend John Edgar Hoover, of the

"G" department.
"Chiefy,"I said gravely,
"you will regret this shameful
interference with the wheels of clowningprogress. I, too,
I'llreport you at
am
a Chief of Police. Forgetthe Judge,or
next
our
meeting."
With
tle
that,I swaggered over to my car, where, in a litI had
Chief of
placed my gold-tinted
compartment,
bestowed

on

me

Police card. I leaned

chauffeur
but
came

my

to

open

and

car

the compartment

apparentlyfell on

words

from

into the

within,and

further

on

instructed

and

hand

deaf

ears.

great

my

the card,

me

Not

sound

I solved
investigation

the

riddle.
There

fast asleep.
hireling,
With
I poked him in the ribs none
too
a
gently.
awoke, and all in one
sweeping motion, jumped
was

my

start, he
up

and

hollered:

"Gee,
I

are

we

already?"

in Boston

the

eventuallyescapedfrom

prospect of

waiting for

chauffeur,who

couldn't

back. And, whereas

cop,

the

Judge, but

the

I should

chauffeur knew
car

but

he

I drove

drive,all the way

have

been

all the time, he slepthis head off. What's

My next
handling a

Chief, and

was

to

my

Boston

own

and

peacefully
sleeping
more,

he snored.

littleof the fundamentals

in

the

love,which

of

nullified that.

Clowning Through

148
He

given

was

night,while
far

so

we

He thought the snow

fight.
of Washington was
state
I'd allow
together.
games
him that he'd pull them
He

failed

never

And,
perfect.

he

spoiledmy

for

all

by

in the

play

to

day and bet

each morning.
the

^afterall

what
gratitude,
He
completely.
I

to

liked
sincerely

his

show

to

used

we

o'clock

ten

went

Ranier

skulls

twenty

battingaverage

think

if you

has

and

"

and

guy

we

can't all

did

he

do

"

fore
be-

quit me

stillin the market

am

minute

they

"

borrow

My

will

in

daily
"

collect
"

thousands

in

the entire

able

to

him

myself.The

hold

the crowd

magic

peoplein

West

ear

respective

if you

are

for

even

"

but

you

will

I am,

as
gullible

as

of

cut

should
so

fifty
per

have

cent

made

he

was

also

booked

of

suspicious.

me

Georgia

name

Point, most

us

there wasn't

that
anticipated,
of my

was

almost

making, begging for

that
predicting
State

of the gross

enthusiastic,
wiring

of the progress

of posters and

park

hundred

was

grab your

many

Point, Georgia,this Spring.I

tremendous

promoter

gates and

bit

country

missed

their

to

the tickets.

is almost

that alone

and
receipts,

cent

convince

printup

to

who

guaranteedthe
the

only

called West

town

let them

to
not

the money
manager,

I haven't

years

of million-dollar

enough

tell you

this great

in

town

Ricard. Without

they dream

unfortunate

bad, let me

are

Every

in the last four

local Tex

names,

But

chauffeurs

sports promoters.

ours

me

one

chauffeur.

about

"

him

him.
thought of firing

even

But

of

sand. It got so,

"

be

and

me
challenge

top of Mount

on

But

me.

and

out

get

his little eccentricities

forgavehim

of temperament,

even
drivingthrough the desert,

were

stop the car,

to

as

outbursts

to

Baseball

which

drew
of them

would

began

to

ball
basebe

believe

a
approximately
on

passes.

Ado

Much

About

should

That

ofiice genius
tales of

and

"I lost

have

ended

149

with
relationship

my

belabored

he

rightthere,but

the box-

with

me

alibis

woe.

lot of money

chance?

another

me

Nothing!

this,"he moaned.

on

West

Point

is

bad

"Please

give

for baseball

town

this time of the year but Griffin,

Georgia,is the spot. What
a

hot

baseball

artist this guy

an

sad story touched

His

of the

would

me

in West

what

amateur

ball

games

park!"

at

Griffin made

Point. He

plasterevery

posters; that he had

at

paintingrosy pictures.
deeply,and his glowing description
was

profits
waiting in

the debacle
that he

^why even

"

capacitycrowds. And

they draw
What

that is

town

tree

pletely
forgetcom-

me

pointedout, further,

for miles

the newspapermen

around

with

throughoutthe

ritory
ter-

him

and that every day there would be stories in

the fans of the great day.Under
such a
the press notifying
with

I had
barrageof adjectives

give him
Thus,
from

my

next

somewhere

other choice

weeks

I set
later,

"Here
The

the

trees,

Maybe
down

for

out

Griffin,
Georgia,

my

handsome

the

joyous

profile
voices

of

Schacht! Al Schacht's in town!"

comes

be

agreedto

shout:

however,
of

town
thriving

must

Florida,to reap the golden harvest. I

in

approached Griffin expectingto see

hanging from every tree, to hear
thousands

"

date.

open

two

some

no

some

bare of posters, and

were

as

Griffin,
only silence greetedme.

mistake, I thought.Maybe, I'm

sale

the advance

the posters

I entered

to

was

so

from

early.

too

heavy they decided

the crowd

keep

There

to

tear

overflowingthe

stadium.

Hopefully,I parked
drug

store,

where, I

was

the

car

and

walked

certain,I would

into

be

the

local

immediately

Clowning Through

150

Baseball

recognizedand given the receptionbefitting

one

of my

rank.
before

Never

in

illustrious career

my

w^as

so

whelmingly
over-

received.
"What

'11 you

asked
have, stranger?"cordially

the lonesome

proprietor.
could

You

almost hear

vanity crumbling under

my

the

blow.
"This

is

Griffin,
Georgia?" I inquiredhumbly.

SCHACHT?
/

"Sure

he
is, stranger!"

N"VER

HEARD

"Greatest
replied.

littletown

in

Georgia."
"Fm

sure

great

day

what

with
on

folks

for you
a

at

and

ball game

dryly."This

should

be

the ball
Al

park this afternoon,

dian
Schacht,the great come-

hand."

"There's

who

it is,"I commented

no

hereabouts,mister,"he

ball game

is Al Schacht

"Forget that I
meekly."You do

"

heard of him."

never

mentioned

even

have

said. "And

ball

the

name," I declared

park here, I hope."

Much

Ado
said

"Yep,"
miles
That

About
he, "I
o"

out

the

so-called

local paper

the
the

kind

enough

ball

park

and

Schacht

of Alexander

name

about

park

give

to

sell

to

only

not

but didn't

teen
four-

often."

it very

use

was

weekly, which

"

ball

don't

They

town.

151

recall

to

seem

that. He

was

to

Nothing!

me

didn't

of

copy

mention

have

even

tions
direc-

me

sports

page.
I should

road

but

By the

first
as

none

other

him,

than

"

it,there

you
It

smile

swept

and
I
One

cried,"I'm
show

might not
was

then

afforded

thought it was
in

away

greet

led all the

haven't

me

the gate

at

me

barn

pasture.

cow

was

to

put

his

hand

my

should

on

have

show

the roll of tickets and

in

joy.

thought

packed house."
to

was

game
my

at

became

face. He

pumped

stood

approached

as

glad you're here.

o'clock. The

two

glanced at

"You

triumph.

hand, and

over

sure

up. We

scheduled

was

to

roll of tickets in his

he

park

surroundings,I finally

later

He
figureof bustlingactivity.

"Boy,"

the ball

friend,the promoter.

my

benign

at

the

on

forgetthe picturehe presented.He

never

the gate,

to

up

look

steep hill which

hour

wounds

of my

scene

immediate
an

lick my
a

completelyhidden

I drove

And

the
and

my

stadium

almost

"

I will

of

to

demanded

been

of God

view

spottedthe
at

have

grace

good

then

town

aching ego

my

should

which

left

have

at

start

at

three

two-thirty.
that number

noticed

rest.

sold many

it appears,"I remarked
tickets,

casually.
"Oh, that's nothing,Al," he bubbled. "They
last minute

here.

They'llbe pouring

in

on

at

come

us

any

the

min-

clowning Through

152

"What

happened to

I asked. "How

do

you

all the posters and

expect

to

the

Baseball

publicity?"

sell tickets i" you

don't

advertise the event?"

OH/ TMEY

"Oh, don't
he

meant

vv^orry about

it,"I have

UATE

COME

HERE^ \ ?/

that,Al," he said,and I believe

lot of friends in this

tow^n

and

they

You
promised to spreadthe news.
just wait and see the
placefillup."
Just then, a couple of farmers strolled over, merely out

of

and
curiosity,

waving

his batch

my

host pounced on
them,
enterprising
of tickets. They entered into heated

Much

About

Ado

debate,which
the

ended

"You

how

see

he

as
jubilantly

pricebut
No

was

"I had

time

quite some
off. At

drove

tickets in

the

his

stillthere
the

smile

Beasts,in

1922 Series?

Well,

the courtesy
acts

It

to

there
up

was

time.

failed

to

If you

and

dinner.

And

if you

one

believable
un-

lighter

advantage of

date
have

for
an

in

always coming
stole my

that

show

was

on

All-Star

of my

barnstorming
that

the

afternoon

"

for

the

meaning

show
lunch, they'll

the

the
have

even

team,

appointment

into

in

stoppedone

don't know

arrive. Mexicans
a

the

that didn't

dog

in 1935, when

morning, they'llarrive
We

American-League
have

his

on

^there's little

"

take

to

cow

in

cow

four

that

goat

was

an

my

almost

an

stooges

learned

promptlydisappeared.

with

But

up.

on
fortunately,

and

tour

had

the gate, the roll

with

another,were

the

show

Mexico,

car

me.

or

life. Remember

my

see,

taunt

form

one

my

longer

confidence

of

and

were,

"

animals, you

harass and

half hour

by

crowd

animals

them

difference between
side. Even

made

probablystillthere.

with

adventures

part. I had

my

hadn't showed

teams

hand,

faith. He's

to

in half

happen, sneaked oflfto my

another
soul
time I left,not

"

me,

let them

to

I waited

ago.

face,waiting waiting for the

My

marvel

would

what

see

on

necessary

the
passedby, and even
friend,the promoter, was
of

begun with
into the park.

I sold them."

merely to
and

it had

justas suddenlyas

rejoinedme.

comment

decision

153

passingthrough the gate

easy it is,Al," gushed the business

customers

two

Nothing!

up
in

ten

^maybe
"

of
for
the

about

o'clock.
were

playinga

afternoon I

went

series of games
to

as
bullfight

in Mexico

the guest of

City
a

and

famous

Clowning Through

154

toreador. After he made

cloak

big honor

"

declined
decided

invitation

an

to

the kill,
the toreador threw

and

"

put

the ball game

on

handed

of my

own

his

me

take his

to

one

Baseball
his

me

bloody sword.
the

placein
kind of

but

arena

before
bullfights

the

following
Sunday.
struck a popular note
My decision,properlypublicized,
the favorite
throughout the city,since bullfighting
was
sured.
assport, and long before Sunday arrived,a sellout was
Preparing for
farmer

about

the act, I made

three miles

outside

arrangements

of

with

bring in an
at noon
old,fat cow
Sunday.I gave him four days'notice
and even
that should have been plentyof time.
in Mexico
The
park was packed earlySunday and with the exception
of my cow, everything
rowed
borset for the act. I had
was
the toreador's hat and cloak,had bought about a
half-dozen rubber daggersand a bigwooden
sword, and had
the
even
spent several hours practicingup on flourishing
sword and swinging the cloak. But at one
the cow
o'clock,
o'clock
and
Two
Three o'clock,
in sight.
not
no
cow.
was
town

to

"

stillnot

sign of

while

And

bovine

my

waited,the

Al
bullfight.
^'Bullfight,

the

fans screeched

Schacht"

their

impatience:

Bullfight."

until four o'clock and

held up the game

We

opponent.

then, despite

of the crowd, had to start

hissingand whistling
that had broughtthem
the advertised bullfight

lucky there

were

was

eating my

was

out
it without.

We

riot.

no

dinner

at

the hotel about

came
nightwhen the manager
"Mr.
Schacht,"he said, "there's

that

to

over

my

farmer

eighto'clock
table.

with

cow

outside,asking for you."

The

dog

was

another

story. He

didn't

even

have

an

pointmen
ap-

Clowning Through

156

Baseball

Amid

I started for the bench, the

thunderingapplause,
appeare
dog on my heels. Suddenly,justas it had appeared,it disRealizingthe value of such an animal to my act,
for it,even
I searched feverishly
nouncing
going to the extent of anthat I would
the loudspeaker
over
buy the dog
^the dog vanished comowned
it. In vain
from whoever
pletely.
The
crowd
to this day, thinks the dog
at Jackson,
"

awful

lot of

nerve

the
stealing

think,however, it had

show

and

doing a

an

fadeout.

the

sense

pier.
dog displayed,
clowning days would be much hapmy
do thingsrightand the classic of them
They never
occurred
one
night in Dallas,in 1939, the year the

the

all

nation

I put
a

celebrated
on,

batter

as

my

the Baseball
feature

takinghis

There

was

Centennial.

stunt

that year, my

own

version

with my
chauffeur,
plate,
them behind
umpire'stogs, calling

turn

dressed in old-fashioned
me.

act.

two-leggedstooges, if they had half

for my

As

of

part of the

trained and

was

spot in the

at

the

act

in which

I hit

an

imaginary

Much

Ado

About

foul ball and I had

throw

to

looked
drew

to

up
a

Before

the top of the

baseballs from

the field the

onto

the

moment

someone

grandstand

umpire yelled"Foul"

the ball would

where

see

157

those occasions for

arrangedon

dozen

Nothing!

That

go.

and

always

big laugh.
I ordered
takingthe field in Dallas,therefore,

my

somebody to throw down the baseballs. He.

showed excellent judgment in his choice. He returned with
with a pershuffled in on me
a ganglingNegro youth,who
fect
hire

to

man

of the "hesitation waltz"

imitation

black
will

shadow
be

we

Hundred

late

Too

walkingin
seek

to

with him, but

back

of whom
that
fail

to

there

sing-songdrawl,

tune

of "Where

of

wrong

but made

of those

one

not

him

groes,
singing Ne-

in the Southwest, and

are

many

he

assured

that he

me

the

out

stringalong

to

go

three times

was

the baseballs

heave

to

He

me.

image

had

nothingwould

sure

dead

Now."

else,I

someone

instructions

only repeatedmy
give them

out

the

sleepto
from

Years

make

to

his

"

he

moment

in

would

not

heard

the

cry of "Foul."
I then

where

Chopstickup

sent

he

the top of the

to

planted himself rightby

the

the
long legs dangling over
I proceededto go through my
Satisfied,

box,

his

glancingup
he hadn't
further
The

fallen off the

thought-when

umpire, and

then

"Foul," the
was

ump

the

cue

then

roof,and

into my

firstimaginary pitchto
strike followed

That

and

now

every

after

I swung

me

side of the press

edge of the roof.

without

was

tine,
preliminaryrou-

make

to

feature

grandstand,

certain

that

givinghim

any

stunt.
a

called strike. Another

with
blistering
argument
at the third pitchand:

the

cried.
for the

downpour

of baseballs but

no

Clowning

158
baseballs

poured

apparently

man,

sound

asleep, his

of the press

side

the

looked

down.

Through
and

up,

him

finished

of it,and

the

it

regular game
mike,
and

he

"

with

baseballs.

who
to

as

thought
the

then

"

could,

it turned

he

dragged

on

the

the

field,

the

pitch

orated:

up,

windup

he

"

in

himself

in

for

to

buck

the

shyly a

leaped

He

the

dov\^n

the

mixup

be quite

to

resounding

up

dozen

casualties.

no

were

determined

came

threw

explained

out

box

sleeping stooge.

my

then

dressing room

lacing when
He

action

there's the

"

Fortunately, there

best

As

awoke

and

start

up

of the

I took
retiring.

"Foul," the ball hit the press

blow

The

bang.

man

stepped

out

Foul."

hits it

I cried

As

first

the

"Here's

the

inning

one

loudspeaker before

first batter

the

as

do

taken

punch

broadcast

to

lineups, described

the

gave

then

and

the

I could

nothing

undoubtedly peaceful slumber.

custom

my

over

my

propped against

half-heartedly,the

act

was

was

box.

of that

out

there

back

"Baseballs," I yelled,"baseballs,"but
roused

Baseball

the

to

returned

joke,and

give

the

I had

bit later and

fans,

guy

severe

promised
I

reallytore

him.
into

him.
"I

have

added, after
"Mistah
drink

mind

good

I had

beer

all

day

of

out

run

Schak,"

not

he

and

sang

stay

climate."
P.S."

I gave

him

the buck.

to

cuss

in

give

you

the

dollar,"

words.

explanation, "a

awake

at

night

kaint

man

in

dis

here

RUNS,

My

HITS

natural

that I

am

AND

forces me,

modesty

not

playerand

the national

I been

have

nor

baseball. True, I took

as
quality

ERRORS!

at

XVI

this point,to

the

only laugh-makerin

advantage of
had

pastime has

sole

my

coach, and

cashed

redeeming

in

and

is

human

faculty

many

often forgotten

beingwith emotions, sensitive

crack up

justas liable to

it,but

on

playerswith
for doing and sayingfunny things.
Because a ball playeris a publicfigure,
it is
that he

confess

under

strain

as

any

other

Playingbang-up baseball every day through 154

a
jaunt,and if it weren't for
pleasure
games is not exactly
the fact that players,
umpires and coaches have a sense of
often exaggerated,
humor, conscious or otherwise,
you'dsee
mortal.

lot

more

wrecks

nervous

further than

One

commonly

Berg, coach

to

hailed

be sniffed

at.

as

in

dugout,ball field or

of the finest and

is Moe

shown

of the best humor

some
Unfortunately,

went

than have

to

date.

baseball,
never

hotel

room.

greatest characters in baseball

of the Boston

the Professor. Nor

Moe

up

is baseball'smost

Red

Sox

and

day
to-

more

is that titleanything

educated

personality,

graduateof Princeton,Columbia and the Sorbonne in

Paris,with more
degreesthan you could shake a bat at, and
guages
eightdifferent lana fluent speakingknowledge of some
he
accordingto the latest count. In the off-season,
law in New
York, and to prove that his vast
practices
a

education

was

more

Information Please,

than
the

rumor,

radio
159

he

program,

recentlywent
for

on

and
literary

Clowning Through Baseball

i6o

him

word

almost any

and

why

for the great game

and

another

They

with

1923.

besides his

keen

its

you

with

honors.

Giwt

he will

origin in Latin,

that much

been

has

Professor Berg is

club,and

give

livelihood but Moe

But

the

Englishlanguageand

guy

sticks to baseball for

since

ofl with

Armenian.

even

wonder

You

in the

it apart and

promptlytake
Greek

walked

and

scholarly
experts,

haven't

handle

to
ability

of humor, which

sense

to

love
special

capacityor

one

caught on

fellow

quite a

has

it in

at

the ball

on

to

have

him
a

on

is
pitchers,
at

emerges

yet.
ball

blessed

the strangest

moments.

I will

forgetthe

never

years ago. We

some

Athletics

on

an

were

hot
exceedingly

firstgame

and

humid

Washington, and

in

ington
catchingfor Washplayingthe Philadelphia
day. Moe had caught the
was

started the second. It

could

barelyget up out
to the pitcher.

Earl Whitehill,one
the time,

he

time

about

can

the

of his crouch

of the

get very
fifth

after

game's better

hot and

inning

Moe

giving the signals

left-handers

at

hurlingthe second game for- the Senators,

and was
littlewild, forcingpoor Berg to jump all over
a
the catcher's box to snag the pitches.
Doc
Cramer, then
with the A's and now
doingan able job at cavortingin the
outfield for the Boston Red
to
bat, and right
Sox, came
there began a strange interlude.
was

Whitehill

stood

on

the

mound, just waving

his

arms

Cramer.
Cramer, losing
pitching,
tryingto outstare
Doc
as
steppedout of the batter's box. As soon
patience,

without

resumed
It became

his stance, Whitehill

a

game

behind
sweltering

between
the

took his foot off the rubber.

pitcherand batter,and Berg,

plate,was

in

no

mood

to

enjoy it.

and

Runs, Hits

Errors!

i^i

steppingin and out

of their respective
boxes, obviously
having a grand time,
his mask, chest protector and shin
removed
Berg silently
and

Whitehill

While

guards,piled them
to Bill McGow^an,

Cramer

all
w^ho

were

neatlybehind

home

plate,turned
umpiring there,and solemnly

w^as

declared :
these

"When
call

I'm

me.

mental

tw^o

going

to

get

get

cases

ready to play ball,

bath."

myself a

to recover,
waitingfor the astonished McGowan
and
Berg walked to the bench, took a full pail of water
his head. While he was
turned it upsidedown
over
drying
his face,McGowan
called him back.

Without

that

Assured

returned,cool

Moe
to begin once
play was
finally
more,
and fresh,donned his catchingoutfit slowly,

and
nonchalantly,
and

The

don't

time, boys.We

your

business of baseball did

his educational pursuits,and

not

in the

to

young

voice

at

both

Whitehill

said:

Cramer

"Take

his
directing

not

eat

until

keep the

even

on

eighttonight."
Professor

die ball

from

when
field,

of

coachingor warming up a pitcher

catching,
he was
what
in the bull pen, there was
no
telling
doing.
has been devoting
lot of time to bull pen
Of late,
Moe
a
take
would
Moe
duty.In the bull pen, during the lulls,
the pitchers
the world, telling
eign
them about the foraround
he had visited. He
took a particular
countries
liking
After

Would

act

say

"Al,

(Lwas

game

you

Moe

Well,
on
sitting

one

to

Wilson

and

Jack Wilson,
dien

loved

those stories.

with die Red

Sox),Jack

in the bull pen

noon.
this after-

coach

me:

had

us

been

have

should

in Russia."

day, Joe Cronin,

the bench

as

our

result of

was
shortstop-manager,
an

injury,and

had

me

clowning

52

Through Baseball

Rube
when
necessary.
making the changes in pitchers
Walberg was having a bad afternoon this time and Cronin
he
whom
him. I forgotto ask Cronin
asked me
to remove

box

place,so

in Rube's

wanted

give Walberg

to

"Who's

the

I walked

as

yank,I yelledat Joe:

in," said Cronin.

"I'm
Wilson, Joe," I protested.

That'll take

get Wilson.

pitcher's

the

in?"

coming

"Bring Wilson
"Not

to

out

NOW,

TO

sorry but

I can't

long."

too

IH

fOPUL/vR

PROP
Bcao

Amazed,
"Are
"I

want

Cronin
nuts,

you

Wilson"

stared
Al?"
Where

at

he

me.

loudly but politely.

inquired,

is Wilson?"

"Berg
"Well," I declared quiteseriously,
Wilson

in

bringhim
This-

of

use
as

have

Japan today.You'll

to

probablygot

has

get

passport

to

here."

Spring at Tampa,

was

unfortunate

talents. I
Berg'sUnguistic

dreamer

and

am

The
philosopher.

an

enough to make

well
as
opportunist

Cincinnati

Reds

were

clowning Through Baseball

164

slowlyand spelleach word, you imbecile,"

shouted Moe, growing a bit excited.
insisted that I not
tiresome task. The professor
It was
a
each word
but made me
onlyspell
repeat the whole thing
it was
three times. Tinally,
done, and heaving a sigh of
rehef,I shouted elatedly:
much
do they
"It sounds good, don't it,Morris? How
"Read

it

do I leave?"

offer? When
"Take

don't

'They

Alexander,"the

it easy,

Professor

you."
cried,refusingto

joking,Morris," I
is no time for comedy. What

believe him.

did he

say?"
cruellyremarked,

blunt, Alexander," he

be

"To

stunningly.

any part of

want

"You're
"This

said

"the

said NOl"

guy

"No," I wept, "no

^how

"

anybody say

can

NO

in

so

many

words?"
what's

"And
a

bottle of iodine
comedians

own

It
in
he

more," announced

cost

Spanish.And

as

my

there

over

$4.51to

me

could

into

and

"

learn the

he

"

pouring
professor,
wounds, "they have their
theyare very funny."

meaning

for Professor

be disturbed

not

open

the

of the word

Berg, when

"NO"

I last saw

him,

rewritingthe Japanese

was

language.
Smead

who
Jolley,

Chicago White
the funniest
Mike

Sox,

men

until
was,

of

in baseball.

Gonzales, who

Cardinals,once

the

recentlyplayed ball for

without meaning to be, one

made

is still coachingfor the

a

classic remark

in

St. Louis

reference

to

player:
but no can
good field,
Jolleywas the opposite.He
"He

he couldn't field

to

save

heet,"declared Mike.
was

his soul. He

great power
was

hitter but

heavy and

slow-

and

Hits

Runs,

if it hadn't

footed,and
lasted

have

been

16$
for his
did

he

long as

as

of the

lost one

Errors!

and

wouldn't

baseball would

wits in the

impromptu

most

he
slugging,

have

of
history

the

game.

Fenway Park, there

In Boston's

in left field that leads up

to

is

steep embankment

the fence. It's quite a

tripfor

good fielder to climb that hill to make a catch,and for

Waterloo. Every time he'd start up, he was
it was
Jolley,
alwayssure to stumble and fall down.
of it all,the manager
cided
deFaced with the futility
finally
out
to take Jolley
one
morning and teach him how
to climb. Smead
was
a
good pupiland seemed to master
a

it

at

once.

That

afternoon,duringthe

same

he got up

incline. But
to

take

coupleof

floppedheadfirst.
the

inning,hurt

"You're

NOBOPV
HOWTOGET

DOWW
-m'

too

HILL

ME

far. He

steps down
He

and

returned

to

flyball was

hit

tearing up

the

reversed himself,started
catch the

to

and
ball,
tripped,

the bench

at

the end

of

angry.

lot of wise

"HOWEO

went
Jolley,
confidently,

left field and

to

game,

guys,"he

shouted. "You

showed

Clowning Through Baseball

66

me

how

to

teach

to
me

get up

the hill but

how

get down."

to

nobody was

enough

smart

of keepingJolley
in the outfield,
Seeing the hopelessness
he

where

losingmany

was

the
fielding,
of him.

He

and

firstused in that

was

through his graceless

game

decided

management

make

to

in his

he liked his

how
bat,he asked Jolley

"Well, I'lltellyou, Ginny," said Smead

Ginny

"

"at least

you'reback here, but

talk to yourself."
Just then, the ball

the home

flyrightover

but his cap

his mask

for the ball,he

"Come

on,

Ginny,

that

seems

sensitive about
second

off with

pal of

give those

used
not

No

matter

himself
The

hit

high

it. Instead

of

making

his head

over

o"E

and

to

have been
strode

to
a

chance

what

White

Sox

the

to

plate,Smead,

catch
Sox
a

many

playerand

had

he
Personally,
came

out.

first-sacker^nd

he did, however, he

in trouble.

easy

who

be my

pal and

ball."
had

laugh was

to

in all

pleaded:

flairfor

Art

firstbase for the Chisox.

down

ball

an

ain't I, Ginny? Now

of the White

hold

bad

to

the Senator

yours,

outfielders

yours."

bald,and very
completely
piece of vanity landed Judge on

ball players
with
furnishing

was

when

to

almost

Judge

member

Another

take it. It'sall

should

turned
seriousness,

who

talk

Judge

catcher's mitt

it. This

time

next

"I'm

pitchedand

came

Jolleywas

what

on

The

to

the third baseman!

yelledto
It

new

right,
job.

threw
plate.Jolley
frantically

the

put

own

play the outfield,

you just

you

was

out

^he called everybody

"

you've got somebody

when

catcher

ton,
capacityagainstWashing-

Joe Judge,quite a kidder

when

to

came

colorful

Shires,
Shires

personality.

always seemed

to

get

nice guy.
a
really
Washington one day, and there
was

and

Hits

Runs,

Errors!
terrible

Shires,having a

was

him, he couldn't

booed

he added

fuel

Towards

the end

had

friend

in

wonder

when

to

it didn't look

made

Arthur

League
and

the

All-Stars. He

"the Great"

Shires.

with

of the

team

be married

to

was

the final game

night of

player."

the Coast

tripto

ball

great

see

shortly
trip,in

to celebrate his
Francisco,he decided,quite naturally,

San

pending entry

holy matrimony.

into

he
Bursting with joy and generosity,
of

champagne

bit of it. I

than

coming back

and

of

for the

happened

to

never

knottingthe

have

he bubbled

seen

Love
guy

be

must

happy

so

He
minutes

half hour

asked

ask her how

called his

theybabbled

she call up

her

wonderful
the

thought

I'm going
feeling.

she feels."

in Chicago,and
bride-to-be,
at

away

his mother

the

his mother

she liked his

least fifteen minutes.

each other. Art

tell her

and

he called
later,

how

night,

tie that binds.

girland

then

more

the exuberance
a

at

to

that

with

"it'sa wonderful
"Gosh, Al," he sighed,
call my

him

with

room

the room,

to

several bottles

ordered

boys,and helpedhimself

lark.
proverbial

the

thing for

at

if he

as

the
to
dramatically
avalanche
of razzberries,

an

when

too

ago, Art

years

afterward

the fans.

at

turned

they tagged him,

of American

to

and
correctly,

Some

of

ball

the crowd

back
by wise-cracking

park, he

the

first.While

at

field

to

seem

answer

"I get excited

No

day

of the game,

in

stands, and
shouted

flames

to

167

Not

good

in

The
girl.

her

of his

discover that she had

on

she
not

and

lasted

that. Art

what

sound

out

About

news.

conversation

satisfied with

ten

insisted that

Texas,
Italy,

called his

girlback, to
mother, only to

for

then

thought

been

able

to

Clowning Through Baseball

68

get her

for

intimate

call his

to

of the conversations

confirmed

bachelor. I decided

phoned

girl.

while

me

the trend

and

going on,

her

advised

sleepin sightfor

no

was

Shires

matters,
phone.To simplify

again and

his mother

There

the

on

all this

was

much

was

too

get another

to

packed my belongingsand had one foot out of

and shouted:
door alreadywhen
Art grabbedmy arm
"Nobody can walk out on me while I'm talkingto

the

room,

my

mother."
fear of

For

The

I remained.
hurtinghis feelings,
downstairs to get our
day we went

next

scrutinized

pickedit up,
as

it for

the devil have

"Who

to

and

me

been

you

and

moments,

some

pleaseturned

you

bill.Shires
chalantly
non-

as

said:

Al?
calling,

phone

Our

bill is |io6."
It

proved a

I have
I

had

I,who

he, not
but

difficultmatter

lost track of Arthur

"the Great"

superbfielder and
periodof twenty years

"

baseball's classic alibi. We

day

and

favor

"

going
a

into the

the winning

feat

run

Williams, one

who,

came

years from

the

first.Two
of the

Meusel

was

score

Browns

promptlygot
on

Washington

averaged.322

with

came

out

able

1918through 1931.

crown

to

from

over

11

in

one
our

in the last

second and

on

when

in
sluggers
leading
run

to

up

tyingrun

were

St. Louis
12

was

tory
his-

I consider

what

playingin

ninth,the

in 1922, took the home

only Bob

up

were

battle. The
pitchers'

of the ninth and

Ken

playerwho

glowing

Frisco.

of the great outfielders in

Rice, one

"

Shires since then

life is still the

his married

pictureit presentedthat night in

Sam

was

that bill up.

run

hope
sincerely

Shires that it

convince

to

stepped
League and
up

the

Babe

accomplishin

Ruth,

the twelve

and

Runs, Hits
Williams

Errors!

169

base hit

wallopeda

and Rice,
rightfield,
out
throwinga man

to

out

tearingin for the ball with the idea o"

at home, didn't stoop quite low
enough. The ball zipped
wall,with Rice
throughhis legsup againstthe right-field
after it,and

Bucky Harris, at second,shoutingfor

it home

throw

turned

Harris

throw

to

the ball that

the back
The

toward

had

Rice

"

of the

There

good

scored

two

wasn't

from

in

the

throw

down

almost

and

the game

was

was

in
out.

over.

the clubhouse.

to

got

way

throw

you

of invective

master

ball

to

the ball

Kate

play.My Aunt
wall to
right-field

that short

hit him

bit:

Rice and

at

around

swung

for home

we

own

he

as

and

the

on

"I didn't

and

"

runs

in the devil made

"What

the

arm

in his

Then, Harris, who

stared

winning run.
plateto see the result of

silence when

tense

was

the

to

supposed to head
head, knocking him

was

Browns

oflfthe

cut

him

the

you,

to

me?

throw

can

ball

plate."
Bucky," repliedRice

calmly.
"You

back of my
Rice

roared

didn't?"

head. I didn't get it

thought that

"I'lltell you

the truth,"he

all over

the

The

it.

the

ball broke

course,

and

hit you

Guthrie, an
years,

was

while.

"I know
spokeup finally.

know

throw

to

result
like

the

on

playingfan-tan."

those

tough

it home

felt

that when

was

and

took
spitter,

and

ting
spit-

ofJ the
lot of

I aimed
a

you
in the

out

guys

are

home,
Bill

lump

"

wall,I grabbed it
juiceon

that

always chewing tobacco

that ball came
outfield well,when

bleachers
right-field

many

over

one

believe this. You

won't

"Feel

Harris.

bacco
to-

it for

downward

in the head."

umpire

in my

in

the American

opinion one

League

of the keenest

for

wits in

Clowning Through

I70

baseball. Bill

plate,Guthrie
Yankees, and

his best in

at

York, while

called

Whitey Witt,

of the smallest

one

crisis.

working

behind

the

fielder of the

center

in the

men

to

game

League, out

followed between
play.An argument
and
in Witt's gettingthe wellWitt, resulting
Miller
diumb.
of the
Huggins, then manager

home

on

Guthrie
known
^

was

New

day, in

One

at

alwayscrackingwise during a

was

tension,and he

the

ease

Baseball

close

Yanks,
his

mighty

calmly turned

going

he declared,and
That's final,"

out.

Huggins, a really
great
bat boy with you."

In

was

manager,

Washington,a couple of

another

one

under

third

base, where

Close

decisions

the
was

stationed

All

the

againstthe Senators,it seemed,

madder

by

the minute.

later,Guthrie

years

up

on

all

the

pulled
Ormsby
at

coaching Hues.

day, and

the crowd

Ormsby
Finally,

take

Guthrie

Red

decisions,
moreover,
and

ing
point-

"And

platethis time, with

kept popping
time.

added:

serious conditions. Red

more

umpiring behind

having a tough

Guthrie,waving

Witt.

to

to

this

to

up

crackinga smile,Guthrie

Widiout
angrily.

arms

"You're

himself,rushed

mite

were

getting

was

called

was

Senator

Clowning Through

172

Baseball

Freddy Lindstrom almost brain himself diving

to sv^eep a hat off it.
a big poster bed
over
ball playerI ever
But the most
into
ran
superstitious
Alvin "General" Crowder, former pitcher
v^ith Washington,
w^as
though
Aland Detroit, and a good one
St. Louis
too.
saw

once

let him

never

w^e

his eccentricities and

on

know

we

watch

to

of

aware

were

his

moves

ball

and get many

a belly
field,
laugh out of them.
Crowder, for instance,insisted on taking his place in
a

clause in the American

when
pitcher,
it

used

dreads,we

the batter's circle before his

is

that

his

was

and

turn

he

remained

next,

rules which

remain

the

allows

the bench

on

the lead-off

Crowder

seems

on

to

bat, althoughthere

at

League

permit

the circle.It

placein
when

he is up

turn

to

man

had

until
his

take

luck

no

bat

at

hit better when

bench, and

he

used the circle.

The
to

it

General

would

the box

from

asked

Walter

lost his
a

with

own.

was

We

knew

ing
walk-

he had

park,but

to

him.

he

disgustedly
given his
used Johnson'sgloveand

he hid

Johnson, of

and
superstition
his

the foul when

on

but
dugout,another superstition,
glovesthat gave us our greatest

it. After the game,

General's

step

day, after losingfour games in a row, he

Johnson to loan him his glove,claiminghe

kid in the

give it back
box

the

his activities with

was

One
giggles.

to

never

whose

mighty rightarm,

glove back.
One
day,in Cleveland,Crowder

the

glove and

knew

only luck

charm

never

insisted

won

refused

who

course,

own

on

to

of the
in

the

getting

the

bull pen

mound,

to

relieve

take

Instead
pitcher.

called in from
of

walking

to

the
the

the bench. He
had
to
directly
Johnson'sglovewhich he had hidden in

the General

to
forgotten

was

came

trunk,
For

and

up,

find

rushed

he

bawled

umpire

but

game,

"It's
I'll

and
The

live

glove

won

And

and
the

rushed

"Here,

to

finally
his

for

him

be

held
he

Furiously,

and

on

in

it

that

news

frantic.

relief

of

out

didn't

holding

came

face.

The

up

the

mind.

business,"

your

kept

of

part

fifteen
it

all

following
up

devil

the

himself,

of

look

had

was

it

get

he

said.

live

"You

your

life

mxine."

funny

1932,

for

to

game

with

Crowder

General

of

none

it,
the

the

back

search

with

boy

the

came

glove,
to

out

clubhouse

minutes

kid

the

away

running

five

the

173

the

least

at

when

couldn't

Errors!

ordered

and

hurry.

in

and

Hits

Runs,

to

take

Johnson
your

the

whole

thing

consecutive

Winter

season,

glove.

if

it
he

when

angrily
It's

with

games

as

almost

that

was

hard

were

sacred

first

lost

his

and

cried:

luck."

Crowder,
Johnson's
treasure.

start,

he

pickingAll-Star
I

going

am

They

teams.

stout, others

limbs,some

down

in baseball have gone

PEOPLE

OF

LOT

XVII

STARS

SEEIN'

go them

to

all

have put themselves

the

on

out

by
on

of snapping,but

verge

littlebetter,
and

record

on

then

some.

going to be conservative in a daringsort o" a way.

giving a little but
Thirtyyears I've been in baseball,
them all the great immortals,
and I've seen
mostlytaking,
the brilliantwho fell just short of enteringthat Hall of
who got by justas I did with
Fame, and the so-so players,
I'm

"

and

prayer

I've

fast line of chatter.

the great teams,

seen

of 1906,'07and

Cubs
which

Chance's

^Frank

"

Chicago

Pirates of 1909 for

'08;Fred Clarke's

of Babe Adams
pitcherby the name
unequaledfeat of winning three Series

freshman

went

too

to

on

the

Athletics of 1910 and '11,with

at their best;
Chief Bender, Eddie Plank and Jack Coombs
Connie

games;

Mack's

Miracle Team, the

George StalUngs'

from

which

came

crown

in four

nowhere

to

the
straight;

pennant

Athletics

coupleof guys named

and
of 1929, '30and '31,

and

of the best of them

one

of '14,

and

world

but branded

scandal;Miller Huggins'
'28,and

Braves
a

the
Sox, possibly

1919 White

of all time

greatest combination

Boston

Yankees
and

Ruth

by

an

fortunate
un-

of 1927 and

Gehrig; the

pitchercalled Grove;
Joe McCarthy'sYanks

all
"

of 1939.
With

neck

out

that
"

as

but

not

background,I
too

far. I'm
174

can

going

aflord
to

to

pickan

stick my
All-Time

Seein' Stars
All-Star

i^^

that will look like the Notre

team

football

Dame

just in case any of

squad" three deep in most
positions,
playersget hurt,and to add the comic reHef,I'm going
my
it with

surround

to

laughsand

did

the

At

named

fair

World

All-Star

with

start

Cincinnati,somebody

in

declared

and

confidently:

the

up

Johnson

challenge.
as

my

he began but
pitcher,"

further.

no

"Stop,"cried
knew

He

the firstexpert. "That's

he

whereof

I get

too.

spoke.I'llstart

kick and

thrillwhen

pitcherwho ever wore

saying on CapitolHill:

the greatest

have

the

can."

took

guy

Series

team

that if you

Another
"Ill

recent

an

"Top

got

playerswho supplieda lot of

ball,too.
country job of playing

but
of baseball,

cases

the mental

All-Goofyclub,not

my

"Washington,firstin

enough. You
widi
I

son,
John-

Walter

speak of Johnson,
used

glove.They

win."

to

and last in the

peace, firstin war,

American

League."
Johnson pitchedfor

prime but he hung

equaled.Just as
him

to

that will

never

ChristyMathewson,

pitchedon

learned

and

records

some

up

of his

losingclub during most

I idolized

Sir Walter.
with

the

respect and

be
shiped
wor-

club, roomed

same

admire

him

not

only

pitchingprowess but as a great fellow.

Fast
why when Johnson bore down on a pitch players
close. Johnson
too
prayed the ball wouldn't come
actually

for his
"

knew

only

middle. There
would
One

kind

one

never

was

throw, but

you

cloudy day
who

was

not

in

of

pitch"that fireball

any

down

the

guessingwhat the Big Train

can't hit what

you

can't

see.

Cleveland,the ill-fatedRay Chapman,

long afterward beaned

and

killed

by

Clowning Through

17^
thrown
pitched-ball

against Johnson.
threw

Chapman

by

Carl

Mays, steppedup

strikes

Two

his bat down

Baseball

to

the

quicklycalled

were

plate
and

and

returned

the

plate,surprised,
yelled

BillyEvans, umpiring behind

to

the bench.

out:

"Hey, Chappie.Wait

minute"

have another strike

you

coming."
"You

don't

have

can

the other

Johnson
Evans,

same

account

to

there."

up

he

after several
hit him.

after year since he left

farm

join the Senators, Johnson

that covered

and
a

1924 World

never

dangerousand this
on
day, called a game
of Walter's pitcheshad

was

clear
perfectly

the catcher and

the mound,

the

wild

was

of darkness

passedby
Year

on

"I

HAVE
vol/ CW
STRIKE.TH' THIRP

When

dark

it. It's too

want

shouted Chapman.
strike,"

heard

took

an

stretch of twenty-one
Series for the

in
a

alibi

sas,
KanCoffeyville,
regularturn on
or

knock, and

years. After

he

Senators,he answered

won

the

Seein' Stars

^yy

with a simplestatement
of his team-mates
congratulations
the man
that typified
and playerhe was:
"Gee, I was
lucky,wasn't I?" said Walter.
Yep, I'll start with Johnson as my pitcherand pick up
the greatest comwith Tyrus Raymond Cobb in rightfield,
petitive

all-around ball playerof them

and

daring.Playersfeared
when

he

time"

and

paths"he

for years Cobb's

of the American

alert,

respectedthe Georgia Peach

and

the base

on

was

all" smart,

the scourge

spikeswere
flashing
he

League. But

vicious

wasn't

of the

most

on

was

as

base

runner.

"I

went

never

with

man

inch

an

said Ty,
spikes,"

my

best friend if he

my

of the way

out

tried

ever

"and
to

I'd

to

down

cut

the heart of

cut

block the road. When

rightof way belongedto me, I took it" spikesfirst."

Cobb playedin a time of great players
like Eddie Collins,
Larry Lajoie,Joe Jackson, Tris Speaker, and year after

the

he

year

pressedfor

was

But
batting
championship.
amazing brilliance enabled

that
competitivespirit,
to

the

win

in

times

nine

crown

that

the

and

row

twelve

him

out

of

thirteen.
As

the

the firstever

was

At

quickestman

ball

was

his

base runner,

to

"hot"

ever

saw

from

score

any

equalmay

he

time

gettingaway
second
was

on

on

"Make

on

them

base he
think

"Keep crossingthem
The

Browns

Krichell,now
for St. Louis.

were

was

from

out.

the

harder

was

and
first,

infield

an

base,and

the
jockeyedby opposing players,

bat and

be found. He

never

more

he

The
he

played.

unpredictable.

you're crazy," he

once

admitted.

up."

day, and Paul

Yankees, was
catching

playingDetroit

chief

scout

Cobb

was

for the

one

Krichell's nemesis.

He

could

Clowning

178
nab

never

the streak of

and that fact burned

Through Baseball

lightningon

steal" few

Krichell'smind

in

could"
he performed

time

every

againstDetroit.
Cobb

firstearlyin the game. On the firstpitch,

Krichell grabbed
for second. Excitedly,
he blazed away
that if he threw to second, and the
knew
the ball. He
throw

got

was

on

bad, Cobb

would

therefore,he
quickly,
second where

Cobb

be half way

threw"

was

to

to

third. Pivoting

third" and

turning

waved
restingcomfortably,

to

his

and shouted:
jubilantly,

arms

Yah!

"Yah!

This

is

one

time

you

won't

steal third

on

mc."

And
I

that

the

was

think of

can

no

GeorgiaPeach for you!

others who
can
replaceBabe

Ruth

Speakerin left field and center of my outfield;

hitter of diem all,the most
home
The Babe, mightiest
run
baseball ever had; and the Grey Eagle,a
natural showman
and

Tris

fieldersecond
An

need

to

none

and

not

far behind

help but justin

case

as

hitter.:

Speaker"doesn't
a
day of]
they might want

outfield like this" Cobb, Rudi

any

Cobb

and

Clowning Through Baseball

i8o

left-handers ^Mose Grove, Carl Hubbell

and

"

nock

"

Bob

Feller could

and

I'd

even

increase my

second,and
a

use

jointhe

keep a

to

got

asked

were

like that

team

in

puttingArt "the

Nobody would
Tony Lazzeri,of
restrained guy

wouldn't hesitate a

Shires

Great"

the Yanks.

was

saying about "Watch

middle-sacker. It

would

Kress

short

could jump all

beatingthe

around

and

over

Yanks

15

to

strange, doesn't it? ^when Dugan

"

"Here

we

ridiculous
Does

score,

it pay

In my

Al, gettingour

are,

to

but we'll both

be

eat

stole

as

one

LeftyGomez

peppery,

wise^

Jumping Joe Dugan

third base for

one

day
"

turned

to

^itdoes

the

same

sound
said:

and

me

brains beat

We

me.

out

steak

by that
tonight.

winner?"

I would
outfield,

occasion,caught them
didn't mind

plantBabe Herman, who, on

with his head for Brooklyn and

keepingcompany

on

the

same

pudgy Hack Wilson, who

home
at nightand
a
professional
fighter
team-mate;

"

soul; and
cracking,good-natured

were

who

Tony

was

at

prance

well

practical
jokeras

great

Up'*

a quiet,
supposedly

was

of my book and slipped

a phony ball to
ball game in 1935.

Red

moment

first.

on

Tony

but there is also

good

"

be better at second than "Poosh 'Em

the quietones." He
pretty

happy and in good

gladyou asked me

and I'm

"

club,I
pickan All-Goofy

littleolder,

to Judge Landis
personally
demanding he
playerlimit to include Rogers Hornsby at
as
long as he could
Jimmy Foxx, anywhere,

to

in

Bender.

go

humor, and if I

out

he got

when

team

Pen-

bat.

You've

Chief

Alexander, and

Cleveland

Grover

Herb

base with

wanted
run

to

other
an-

be

hitter in

Seein'
the

Stars

daytime

i8i
but

the

when

in his spare

team

his Boston

header
second

Bees

long

not

It

moments.

the

and

ago,

let him;

and

also

Casey,who,

was

Giants

umpire refused

rained

and

could

who
wittiest,

playingthe

were

although it

game

wouldn't

of baseball's

Casey Stengel,one
manage

Landis

Judge

double-

call the

to

gettingdark,

was

of his pocketand used it to summon

out
pulleda flashlight
from the bull pen. That's one, I'lladmit, I never
a pitcher
thought of.
and
Lefty Gomez, the great lover and airplanefancier,
Dizzy Dean would round out the team, with Professor
Moe
Gomez
is reallya
Berg catchingthem, of course.
clever fellow,one
of the greatest jockeysbaseball has ever
and

seen,

needs

Dizzy

brilliant game

pitched a

introduction.

no

in

the

Tigers,Dizzy joinedme in center

with the band, and playeda

Just before he

where
field,
horn

against the

Series

1934

to

my

ing
clown-

was

phony

coronet

solo.

it

As

for

on

him.
went

we

the

Lefty's"Great
He

to

with

was

his

would

All-Star

our

the Pacific Coast.

would

girl,he

demand

Angeles,where

played an

Leftywas

Our

reputationwas

and

before his three

0

in the

one

All-Star

he

That's

see

us.

we

couldn't
at

year
a

he

"

he
oflF,

in

team
came

before

"

from

up

and

Los

20,000

crowd

for

lose that game.

to

up, the

letter

head

tremendous

afford

got

stake,but Lefty started the

inningswere

third,with

Coast

when

in love with

madly

when

pinned

year

only pitchhis
felt so good.

League only the

to
out
peoplecame
and
an
exhibition,

team

well known

Leftywas

the Pacific Coast

I who

was

not

he
pitch,

to

day, we

One

to

tag, it

girlhe eventuallymarried, and

from

Lover"

game

led
opposition

the bases loaded.

us

clowning

82

Lefty

made

batch

with

girl,

lied.

"Gosh,

all

those

letters

and

but

them,

batters

Lefty

game.

his

at

three

next

the

from

you

looking

the

won

send

to

Without

out

arrived,"

just

you

letters

which
house,
club-

the

to

like

called

mound,

the

to

the

Rushing

looked

that

Baseball

letter.

handed

and

time,

ing,
Pant-

Gomez.

to

"They

heights.

everything

out

o"

thought

pitching

to

up

dashed

I
the

rise

'dug

then

and

desperate,

was

Through

to

don't

in

highly
the

retire

all

thought

she

believe

he

along
has

be

must

love

day."

one

elated.
side.

in

Lefty

struck

eventually

We

those

letters

forgiven

me

were

to

this

day.
Anyway,
choice

"Go

with

I've

picked

my

this

simple

and

ahead
"

Top

that

one

teams

daring
if

you

and

I'll

phrase:
can!"

stand

by

my

THIS, NOT

ALL

Today,

I have
town,

shouts

am

clown

the

"

of
Pagliaccio

XVIII

the diamond.

become

courier

gallopsmadly through the

w^ord. Whenever

household

enter

and

streets

Schacht's in town!"

Al
"Hey, girls"
I have

stillto find

all

to

whether

out

belief that the

It is my

good

earth there

strange

of

women

am

certain

be

man

who,

intend

of my

to

much

todayplacetoo

that somewhere
when

him

uncover

rival,
ar-

entry in my
lack of women
in

just to

this

on

he looks

"It's a lie!" louder than

mirror, screams

ing
warn-

modest

my

looks. I

must

someday, I

is

as

announcement

I make

as

twelve-cylinder
car, there
the welcoming party.
faith in

that is meant

or
femininity
justan

but somehow,

in the

TOO!

HEAVEN

himself

at

I do. And
to

prove

the

man
being the ugliest
alive are nothingbut the result of jealousyplainjealousy.
But despitemy
I am
amazing popularity,
unhappy. I

world

that those

rumors

about

my

"

have

been kicked

It all

out

happened

wondered

when

one

the

of Heaven.
midsummer's
fans

would

night.I
catch

wise

had
to

me

often

and

bringingtheir shootingirons to the ball park,and

this nightone
did.
Unlike
the deep mourning throughoutthe American
shed
ended, no tears were
career
League when my pitching
for me
carried off the field,
deader than the arm
I was
as
start

I had

as

hurler. But there

was

183

solace in the

thoughtthat

Clowning Through Baseball

184
I would

be welcome

in that

nook
special

in Heaven

served
re-

for baseball greats.

Thinking,however, was
As

the custom,

was

thing.Gettingin

was

sent

up

Doubleday,originatorof

Abner

by

one

baseball. It

as

"From
hands
you

the hand

by

me

approachedthem,

we

"

seems

even

meeting

with

approval.

angelled

An

other.
an-

be interviewed

to

the greatest couldn't get in vidthout first

Abner's

was

from

and

she bade

those

pearlygates, and

adieu.

me

stranger,"she said,"you'rein Abner's

on,

now

to

the looks of you,

get."
fresh,ain't you?" I remarked, but

can

"Kinda

I realized she

be

must

substitute

all the

need
you'll

"

one

too

not

of those

help

loudly.
angels

dirtyfaces or she wouldn't be talkingto me like

that. Confidently
I strode up to those magnificentgates,
mumbling to myself:"Need help,do I? With my personality

with

"

"Open up them
but firmly.
"Who's

pearlygates,"I cried,knockinggently

there?"

Doubledayhimself
Al

"It's me,
you

all set

to

greet

me

I
and

presumed
bid

it

was

welcome.

me

"I'm the pitcher,

Schacht,"I replied
proudly.

know."

"Pitcher?" the voice

"Who

scorn.

"Don't

technical. I
I had

my

"Too

never

look

you

was

off

many

enter,

and
inquired,

said you

ever

"What, you

may

answered.

voice

at

heard

were

of me?"

the records?

billed

as

I detected

touch of

pitcher?"
I declared

indignantly.

Anyway, let's not

Of
pitcherin the lineup.

get

too

course,

days.Even Matty had his."

off days,apparently,"
the voice replied.
"You
but only for a moment.
This isn't a sandlot.

All This, Not

have

You

jury of

prove

if you

and

I could

see

before my

opened

gates

maybe

Around
light.
twelve
robes,were

flowingwhite
face of

bewildered

blaze of

I noticed
clearly,

more

of all the

center

stern

face the

to

pass their test, then

in, momentarilyblinded by

went

the

You'll have

stay."

Magically,the
I

185

belonghere.

you

Immortals

can

you

to

Too!

Heaven

the

When
light.

big,round table
table,all dressed
I made

men.

the serious

John McGraw,

eyes.

in

the

out

of

one

in

Christy

Mathewson.
I

delightedto

was

them.

see

"Hy Mac, hy Matty," I

shouted.

"Silence,infidel,"
a voice boomed
this is Al

Schacht.

and

desires admittance

you

know

him?

"I know

him,

swelled with
He's got

"Was

he

who

all

joy and

lot of

as

Does

to

claims

He

he

pitcher

circle. Do

intimate

our

was

tlemen,
"Gen-

of

any

he

belonghere?"
right,"said McGraw, and
know
pride."I certainly
tryingto

nerve

as
pitcher,

had

of nowhere.

out

he

surmised

my

heart

the tramp.

get in here."

claims?"
the

was

inquiredDoubleday,
Judge of the whole

business.

pitcher?"bellowed

"A

around

never

know.

And

long enough
what's

funny.

He

after the first inning to

he

more

"That's

Mac.

once

hit

with

me

was

let

us

bucket

of water."

for the bucket! And

"I apologized
Mac," I pleaded,

"But

Matty

will vouch

"I will not,"

of

for

won't

you,

Matty?"

"I
spoke Matty gravely.

teachingyou how
practically
taughtyou
And

me,

to

how

furthermore, I like

throw
to

my

went

famous

but
pitch,

you

it here. It's been

to

the trouble

fadeawayand
me.
disgraced
peacefuluntil

Clowning Through Baseball

86

they sent

up. You

you

broken-down

your

The

might

of

some
telling

start

even

jokes."
decided

angel,I

then

right when

there,was

and

help.I looked around the table and

WilspottedlittleRay Chapman, the Cleveland shortstop;
bert Robertson, beloved Uncle Robbie of the old Brooklyn
Robins; Miller Huggins, the mighty mite of the great
she

I'd need

said

Yankees; Rube

Waddell

Mack's

pitchingstars; Pep Young,

greatest

Charlie

Ebbetts, Charles

Ruppert. Surely,from
to

get

was,

and Eddie

one

favorable
of them

most

I turned

to

vote.

did.

and

Stoneham

among

They
They

of Connie

Plank, two

them,
knew

Johnson,

Ban

Colonel

ought

be able

to

for what

me

Jacob
I

really

did.

Chapman.

"Chappie,"I declared,"You

liked
certainly

me

in those

days,didn't you?"
"I certainly
did," repliedChappie, and once
more
returned. "Why, you were
cousin to me,
a
courage
other pitcherin the League I could
There was
no
*four for four' from except you. But you'reno good to

my

Al.
get
me

here."
Somewhat

I swung
dejectedin spirit,
had anything but
never

Robbie, who

to
a

Robbie, genial
kind

word

for

everyone.

pal,"I said,"have

"Robbie, my
have

anything
.

cigar,have something,

."
.

was
rudelyinterruptedas
My attempt at pleasantries
Doubleday shouted:
"Enough of that,Schacht,whoever you are. You can't

bribe this
"But
I

owe

jury."
he's a buddy

him

these

of mine," I

cigars."

"And
complainedbitterly.

Clowning Through

88

knees

Baseball

I was
last legand as
on
crumbling.
my
to Jake Ruppert.
a final hope,turned
"Colonel,"I whimpered, "I always liked your beer. I
alwaysworked my head ofl in the World Series for you
even
I
though you underpaid me. You understood me,
alwaysgave you a laugh,or did I?"

My

The

were

kind.

Colonel,at least,
was

"Al," he said,"you put

know

must

me

laugh.I'm

in

tough spot. These

pretty well

all can't be wrong.

They
gave

you

me

And,

to

vote

tlemen
gen-

down.

you

be honest,you

to

never

hanging this jury by votingfor

not

you."
With

tears

eyes, I faced Abner

in my

feated
Doubleday,de-

but stillfighting.

Doubleday,"I orated,"Can't

"Mr.

minds?

You

I've done

started the whole

for baseball since

they had

career

small

have

we

great

you

thing.And
then. When

parks and

change

their

look

what

at

started my

conditions

poor

today

"

tions,
stadiums, pleasantcondieverything^gigantic
and we
even
play ball at night.Look at all those
changesI partookin ^look at the miUions of people
"

"

I made

laugh.Is that

not

worthy of

an

entry into your

timate
in-

circle?"
"A
"But

Mr. Schacht,"repHedDoubledaycoldly.
speech,
have invented baseball if I thought
might never

nice
I

it would

playersHke

entice

verdict. It's the thumb

With

that,I

guards who
me

came

back toward

was

you.

for you"

have

You

nowhere.

the gates, to throw

"I'll appealthis verdict. I'llcome

the

you'reout!"

grabbedroughlyby
from

heard

As
me

back

the

arms

they were

by

two

pulling

out, I screamed:
to

haunt

you

all.

All This, Not

I stand

on

take this

to

189

clown, if

not

as

I'll
pitcher.

highercourt!"

"Well, you
"And

as
rights

my

Too!

Heaven

stand here," they all shouted

won't

there's no

than

highercourt

Heaven.

Out

as

with

one.

the

bum."
.

wAvevoo

^ HEARD?
got

W6

waivs.rs

^omschacht;

heaved,

was

too

none

gently,into space.
I woke up!
shock of being tossed
The
out

without

asked
much

even

"

It made
had
am

to

me

make

back

Heaven

on

"

even

waiver
was

me

on

in

ing
betoo

nightmare.

.feel that I still

good,and

here I

earth,direct from

still God's

gift to

baseball!
^"\*\v\"\Vv\V%v"