ACT II

Scene I
Scene I of Act II takes place at Polonius's house. It's
one month later. Polonius enters. A moment later,
Ophelia runs in.
POLONIUS
How now, Ophelia? What's the matter?
OPHELIA
Oh my lord, my lord, I have been so
affrighted!
POLONIUS
With what?
OPHELIA
Have you noticed anything peculiar
about Prince
Hamlet recently?
POLONIUS
Hamlet? He's always been peculiar, ...
but now
that you mention it, he has been acting
very
strangely late. Why do you ask?
OPHELIA
He came to my room just now. He took
me by
the wrist and held me hard, then he fell to
such
perusal of my face as if he would draw it,
and then
he raised a sigh so piteous and

profound, ... I
think he loves me.
POLONIUS
This sounds like the very ecstasy of love!
Have you
given him any hard words of late?
OPHELIA
I've been refusing to see him, as you told
me I must.
You ordered me to stay away from him
because he
would never be permitted to marry
someone of my
lowly station.
POLONIUS
I was wrong! He truly loves you, and
your rejection
has driven him mad! In the morning e
must go to the
King.
Polonius exits. Ophelia watches him go off.
OPHELIA
My poor foolish father. How easy it is to
lead you
from the truth. If the King as readily
believes these
lies of Hamlet's love, then soon shall I
shall be
Queen of Denmark!
Ophelia exits after Polonius. Enter Horatio with the
Ghost of Hamlet's father. They have been listening to

the preceding scene.

HORATIO
Hey Ghost, did you hear that? It's a
good thing we
decided to spy. That lady's gonna make
trouble for
Hamlet. I got to remember to warn him!
The Ghost nods in agreement. Exeunt Horatio and the
Ghost.
*********************************************************
Scene II
Scene II takes place in a room in the Castle. This room
has an arras (a tapestry wall hanging.) Enter the King
and Queen, followed by ROSENCRANTZ and
GUILDENSTERN. Rosencrantz is a portly fellow with a
tiny mustache, who affects very polished
manners. Guildenstern is thin and speaks with an
English accent.
KING
Welcome, dear Rosencrantz and
Guildenstern.
Moreover, that we much did long to see
you, the
need we have to use you did provoke our
hasty
sending.
ROSENCRANTZ
Your Majesties!
Rosencrantz makes a very deep bow. Guildenstern
taps Rosencrantz on the shoulder and points to

Claudius.
GUILDENSTERN
Who's he?
ROSENCRANTZ
That's the King!
GUILDENSTERN
I thought you said the King was dead.
ROSENCRANTZ
The old King is dead. This is the new
King!
Guildenstern looks at the King very carefully.
GUILDENSTERN
He doesn't look very new to me.
Rosencrantz speaks to the King.
ROSENCRANTZ
Please forgive my friend, your Majesty.
We've
had a very long trip, and he's tired.
GUILDENSTERN
No I'm not. We had a nap after lunch...
Rosencrantz glares at Guildenstern, silencing him.
KING
I trust that you have heard something of
Prince
Hamlet's transformation. I don't know
what
may have caused this sudden change in
him.
You are two of his oldest and dearest
friends.
Perhaps you can tell us what is the

matter.
QUEEN
Good gentlemen, Hamlet has often talked
of you.
I'm sure there aren't two men living of
whom he
is more fond. Please stay with us awhile,
and we
will see that you are well rewarded.
ROSENCRANTZ
It will be our pleasure to obey your every
command,
your Majesties.
GUILDENSTERN
That's right! After all, you are the King,
even if you're
not dead yet, so if there's anything we
can do to make
your job any easier, just call on us.
ROSENCRANTZ
He means we're ready to do whatever
you tell us. The
most difficult task won't be too difficult
for us to attempt!
Isn't that right, Guildenstern?
GUILDENSTERN
Yes, and the simplest task won't be
simple enough for us
to do either. What is it you want us to
do, anyway?
KING

Tell us what is wrong with Prince Hamlet!!!

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern confer privately in
whispers, then Guildenstern speaks.
GUILDENSTERN
We heard he's gone screwy.
KING
We know that! Find out why he's gone
screwy!!!
ROSENCRANTZ
We'll do our best, your Majesty.
QUEEN
Go, and find Prince Hamlet!
Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Enter Polonius.
POLONIUS
My good lord, the ambassador from
Norway has
returned!
KING
I trust he brings good news.
POLONIUS
That reminds me, I think I have
discovered the cause
of Hamlet's lunacy.
KING
Oh? That is something I long to hear!
POLONIUS
First listen to the ambassador. My news
shall be the
fruit to that great feast.
KING
Go then, and bring in the ambassador.

Polonius exits. The King turns to the Queen.

KING
Did you hear that? Polonius thinks he
has discovered
the source of your son's strange
behavior.
QUEEN
I don't think it is anything but his father's
death, and our
o'er hasty marriage, but we shall see.
Re-enter Polonius with VOLTIMAND, the ambassador
from Norway.
KING
Well, what news from the King of
Norway?
VOLTIMAND
The King was very surprised by your
letter. He
thought young Fortinbras was preparing
to invade
Poland, but when he found that
Fortinbras actually
meant to attack Denmark, he rebuked
him most
severely. Young Fortinbras then
promised the King
he would never invade Denmark, but
asked if he
might invade Poland instead. He would
like your
permission to bring his army through

Denmark, on
his way to attack the Poles.
KING
Well, that sounds like a reasonable
request. Go back
to Norway, and give young Fortinbras
my permission
|
to bring his army through Denmark.
Exit Voltimand. The King turns to Polonius.
KING
Now, Polonius, tell us your news!
POLONIUS
I have a daughter. She has told me that
Hamlet has
been sending her love letters. I said to
her, "Lord
Hamlet is a prince, and above thy station!
Avoid
him!" She has avoided him, and since
that time, he
has gone mad!
KING
Could this be true?
QUEEN
It may be.
POLONIUS
My daughter has given me an idea.
Prince Hamlet
often walks alone here in this part of the
castle.
Tomorrow my daughter will wait to meet

him here.
We shall hide behind this arras, and see
what happens
then.
KING
We will try it.
Enter Hamlet, reading a book.
QUEEN
Look, how sadly the poor wretch comes
reading.
POLONIUS
Leave me to talk with him alone.
Exeunt the King and Queen.
POLONIUS
How does my lord Hamlet?
HAMLET
Booga-booga-booga!
POLONIUS
Do you know me, my lord?
HAMLET
Let's see, ... Aren't you Abie the
Fishman?
POLONIUS
Not I, my lord.
HAMLET
No, I guess that was another play. It's
too bad.
There were a lot more laughs in that
show. So,
who are you, anyway? No, wait! Let me
guess!

Have you got a daughter?

POLONIUS
I have, my lord.
HAMLET
Tell me, ... does your daughter fool
around?
POLONIUS
Never!
HAMLET
Good, because you know what fooling
around can
lead to, don't you? Grandchildren! And
grandchildren
can lead to great- grandchildren! You
know, there'd
be a lot less fooling around here in
Denmark if you
old people would just stop having
grandchildren!
And at your age too!!! You should be
ashamed
of yourself!
POLONIUS
My daughter is a modest, virtuous
maiden. She
will make some man a fine wife.
HAMLET
Good, have her make one for me. In fact,
I'll take
half a dozen. No, make it a dozen.
Christmas

is coming up, and I need some gifts for my friends.

POLONIUS
What do you read, my lord?
HAMLET
Words, words, words. I can never
remember this
scene, so I keep a copy of the script in
here.
POLONIUS
Though this be madness, yet there is
method in it.
Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
POLONIUS
Fare you well, my lord.
Polonius goes over to speak to Rosencrantz and
Guildenstern.
POLONIUS
You go to seek Prince Hamlet. There he
is.
ROSENCRANTZ
(to Polonius)
God save you, sir!
Exit Polonius.
ROSENCRANTZ
My most dear lord!
HAMLET
Eh?
ROSENCRANTZ
Don't you remember us? I am
Rosencrantz, and
this is my good friend, Guildenstern!

HAMLET
My most excellent good friends! How do
you
both?
ROSENCRANTZ
Not badly. Not badly at all!
HAMLET
Oh, really?
GUILDENSTERN
Yes, we get a big reward if we can find
out why
you're screwy.
Rosencrantz takes Guildenstern aside.
ROSENCRANTZ
You weren't supposed to tell him that!
That was
supposed to be a secret!
GUILDENSTERN
But he's our friend. If we can't trust him,
who can we
trust?
ROSENCRANTZ
We can't trust anyone! Now whatever
you do, don't tell
him the King and Queen sent for us.
GUILDENSTERN
You can count on me!
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern go back over to Hamlet.
HAMLET
Tell me, why did you two come to
Elsinore?

ROSENCRANTZ
Why, to visit you, my lord. No other
reason.
HAMLET
You weren't sent for?
GUILDENSTERN
Yes, we weren't.
HAMLET
I'm glad to hear it. Who didn't send for
you?
GUILDENSTERN
The King and Queen.
HAMLET
That's funny, because I've been dying to
tell someone
why I've been acting so crazy, but I
wouldn't want
to tell anyone who wasn't sent for by the
King and
Queen.
Rosencrantz takes Guildenstern aside.
ROSENCRANTZ
What do we say now?
GUILDENSTERN
Let's tell him we were sent for.
ROSENCRANTZ
That's a good idea.
They go back over to Hamlet.
GUILDENSTERN
My lord, we were sent for.
ROSENCRANTZ

Now tell us what's the matter with you.

HAMLET
I have of late, but wherefore I know not,
lost all my
mirth. Well, maybe not all my mirth, but I
certainly
haven't been having a very good time
lately, especially
since you boys showed up!
ROSENCRANTZ
I understand perfectly! You're
depressed!
GUILDENSTERN
Does that mean we can collect the
reward now?
ROSENCRANTZ
Certainly not! Hamlet's our friend! What
kind of
friends would we be if we didn't do
something to
cheer him up?
GUILDENSTERN
Well, if we got the reward, we could go
out and buy
him a vanilla ice cream cone. That
always cheers me
up when I'm decompressed.
ROSENCRANTZ
Hamlet's problems are psychological!
He needs to
talk about them, and get them out into

the open.
Rosencrantz turns back to Hamlet.
ROSENCRANTZ
Why don't you tell us more about how
you feel?
HAMLET
Very well. I didn't want to tell you, but
you forced
it out of me. Oh, I'm so ashamed. I just
found out ...
I just found out my two best friends are a
couple of
morons.
ROSENCRANTZ
No wonder you're depressed! I'd be
depressed too
if I found out my best friends were
morons. Wouldn't
you, Guildenstern?
GUILDENSTERN
I certainly would, Rosencrantz, but I'd
still be your
friend anyway, in spite of it!
Rosencrantz suddenly suspects that Hamlet has
insulted them.
ROSENCRANTZ
Wait just a minute! I thought we were
your best
friends.
HAMLET
I hate to break it to you boys, but I don't

think either
one of you could pass the aptitude test
to become
court fools.
GUILDENSTERN
We could too!
ROSENCRANTZ
Come, Guildenstern. We don't have to
stay here to
be insulted.
HAMLET
No, you probably don't. But wait! Don't
go! I'm
sorry. It's just that I've been so insane
lately.
What a piece of work is a man! How
noble in
reason. How infinite in faculties! In form
and
moving how express and admirable! In
action how
like an angel! In apprehension how like a
god!
There, if that doesn't convince you I'm
crazy,
nothing will! Take a look around this
castle if you
want to see what a piece of work is a
man! God's
just lucky he didn't give out warranties!
Oh, I'm so

depressed.
ROSENCRANTZ
We have some news that may cheer you
up, my lord.
On our way into Elsinore, we passed a
gentleman
who said he was going to bring back
some players to
perform for you tomorrow night!
HAMLET
That's funny. I was just saying to Horatio
how much
I'd like to see a really good play.
Hamlet addresses the audience directly on the next
line.
HAMLET
(to audience)
And I bet you folks feel the same way.
Enter Horatio.
HORATIO
Hey, Hamlet, have I got a deal for you!!!
HAMLET
Why is it that suddenly suicide seems
like a good
idea?
HORATIO
You say you want to see a play, so I go
out and I
find the finest players in the land, just for
you!
HAMLET

Really? When can I see them?

HORATIO
Not so fast. First you got to talk to their
manager.
HAMLET
Who's their manager, as if I couldn't
guess?
HORATIO
It's funny you should ask. When I found
these
players, they're the finest players in the
land,
but guess what? They haven't got a
manager!
So what can I do? My friend Prince
Hamlet
wants to see a play, but how's he going
to hire
these players without a manager? Then I
get a
wonderful idea!!! I'll be their manager!
GUILDENSTERN
Gee, isn't he a swell guy?
ROSENCRANTZ
He certainly is!
HAMLET
How much are you going to charge me to
see these
players?
HORATIO
Twenty kroner.

HAMLET
Twenty kroner? That's not bad.
HORATIO
That's just to see them. Now if you want
them to
put on a play, that's another fifty kroner.
HAMLET
What kind of play will they put on for this
... total
of seventy kroner?
HORATIO
Well, there's two kinds of plays. There's
good
plays and bad plays. If you want a good
play, it's
an extra fifty kroner.
HAMLET
Well then, have them put on a bad play.
HORATIO
I'm sorry, they don't do bad plays.
They've got a
reputation to hold up.
HAMLET
A hundred and twenty kroner sounds
right for a
hold-up. Is that the entire cost?
HORATIO
Sure, that's the whole price. One
hundred and
twenty kroner for a real good play. Oh, I
almost

forgot to ask, you don't want them to learn their

lines, do you?
HAMLET
No, I wouldn't think of it.
HORATIO
Cause if you did, that would be another
thirty
kroner.
HAMLET
Just have them read the lines.
HORATIO
That could be a problem.
.
HAMLET
On second thought, why be stingy? Let
them
learn their lines! We've got a deal then!
One
hundred and fifty kroner.
Hamlet pays the money to Horatio. Enter Polonius.
POLONIUS
My lord, there are some men at the castle
gate,
who claim to be players ....
HAMLET
Then let them in! Let them in!
Polonius goes to get the players.
HAMLET
I'm really looking forward to this. It's
about time
we had some good sophisticated adult
drama

around here.
Polonius comes back in with the three players: the
FIRST PLAYER is a grumpy, bossy man with a Prince
Valiant-type haircut, the SECOND PLAYER has very
frizzy hair, and the THIRD PLAYER is a fat, bald idiot.
HAMLET
So these are the finest players in the
land?
HORATIO
They must be. No one else can get these
prices!
HAMLET
Well, let's see what they can do. Give me
a sample.
I want to hear something old and
classical.
Hamlet turns to the First Player.
HAMLET
Do you know "The Death of Priam"?
FIRST PLAYER
I didn't even know he was sick!
HAMLET
Well, that's old, but it isn't classical.
That's one of
the oldest jokes I've ever heard. How is
it that you
don't know the famous speech about the
death of
King Priam? All great actors know that
speech!
Your manager here said that you were

the finest
players in the land!
THIRD PLAYER
We are! We get fined in every town we
play in!
The Third Player laughs. The First Player slaps the
Third Player on the forehead, and the Third Player
squeals.
SECOND PLAYER
Listen, we're very good at what we do!
HAMLET
And what is it you do?
SECOND PLAYER
Mostly we call each other names, make
funny noises,
hit each other, and poke each other in
the eye.
HAMLET
Is there much of an audience for that?
THIRD PLAYER
Certainly!!!
POLONIUS
I have heard of these players, my lord.
They are
very successful.
HAMLET
I repeat: What a piece of work is a man!
How noble
in reason!
FIRST PLAYER
You still want a sample? Watch what we

can do!
HAMLET
Are you going to hit the fat guy again?
FIRST PLAYER
Sure, if that's what you want.
HAMLET
Only if you keep it up until you kill him.
Actually,
I was hoping for something a little more
refined.
THIRD PLAYER
We're very refined. Whenever we go into
a town,
right after we get fined once, we always
get
re-fined.
The Third Player laughs. The First Player slaps him on
the forehead, and he squeals.
HAMLET
This could quickly become monotonous.
The First Player hits the Second Player on the
forehead.
SECOND PLAYER
Ow!!! What did you hit me for?
FIRST PLAYER
Variety!
HAMLET
Couldn't you do something poetic, with
lots of
conflict, a tragedy about man's
inhumanity to

man?
HORATIO
Why didn't you say that's what you
wanted?
These guys specialize in that!
PLAYERS
We do?
HORATIO
Sure! Do the show I taught you this
afternoon.
You remember, the one with poetry and
conflict.
HAMLET
What's this show called?
HORATIO
"Simple Simon," by Mother Goose.
ROSENCRANTZ
Say, I think I know that one.
FIRST PLAYER
Watch this!
The First Player and the Third Player run off opposite
sides of the stage. The Second Player steps to center
stage and clears his throat.
SECOND PLAYER
This afternoon, we bring you a classic
tale of hunger
and greed, that famous poem known the
world over....
"Simple Simon."
There is a long pause.
HAMLET

Well?
SECOND PLAYER
I forgot how it starts.
The First Player runs on. He wears a chef's hat and
apron. He slaps the Second Player on the forehead.
FIRST PLAYER
"Simple Simon met a pie-man..."
The First Player runs back off-stage.
SECOND PLAYER
Oh yes! (Ahem.)
Simple Simon
Met a pie-man
Going to the faire!
The First Player, dressed as a pie-man, and carrying a
big cream pie, enters from one side of the stage. The
Third Player, singing stupidly, enters from the other
side.
THIRD PLAYER
La-la-lee-la-la!
SECOND PLAYER
Said Simple Simon,
To the pie-man,
THIRD PLAYER
Let me taste your ware!
SECOND PLAYER
Said the pie-man,
To Simple Simon,
FIRST PLAYER
Show me first your penny!
SECOND PLAYER
Said Simple Simon,

To the pie-man,
THIRD PLAYER
In truth, I haven't any!
FIRST PLAYER
Oh, a deadbeat!
The First Player hits the Third Player in the face with
the pie.
THIRD PLAYER
Oh! Vanilla custard! My favorite!
The Third Player laughs. The First Player slaps the
Third Player on top of his head, and the Third Player
squeals. All three Players bow, banging their heads
together.
Horatio, Polonius, Rosencrantz and
Guildenstern all applaud enthusiastically.
Horatio turns to Hamlet.
HORATIO
Pretty good stuff, eh?
HAMLET
Boys, I think you've captured the
essence of human
existence, and now that you've captured
it, I hope
you'll never let it out again. No, on
second thought,
I want you to perform for Claudius
tomorrow night.
He deserves to see this. Polonius, show
these men
to their rooms.
Polonius leads out the Second and Third Players.
Hamlet grabs the First Player by the arm to speak with

him privately.
HAMLET
Wait a second, I want to talk to you. Can
you play
"The Murder of Gonzago"?
FIRST PLAYER
Sorry, I never heard of it.
HAMLET
All right, can you play "The Queen of
Hearts"? It's by
the same author as "Simple Simon." You
remember,
"The Queen of Hearts, she made some
tarts..."
FIRST PLAYER
Yes, my lord, we know that one.
HAMLET
I figured you would. We'll have it
tomorrow night.
But I've got a few special changes I want
you to
put in. I'll come by and give them to you
later.
Now go to your room!
The First Player exits.
ROSENCRANTZ
That certainly was a fine performance,
wasn't it?
GUILDENSTERN
I'll say!
ROSENCRANTZ

Didn't you think the roles were particularly well cast?

GUILDENSTERN
I thought the pie was well cast. Were
there rolls in it
too? I didn't see the rolls.
HAMLET
Go to your rooms!!!
ROSENCRANTZ
Good-bye, my lord.
GUILDENSTERN
So long!
Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, bowing to
Hamlet.
HAMLET
Oh, what a rogue and peasant slave am I!
Is it
not monstrous that these players here
can slap
each other around like that, and I can't
even lay a
finger on Claudius? They hit each other,
hurt each
other, and all I can come up with is clever
banter!
I'm nothing but a coward, a Noel Coward!
Well,
maybe not such an ol' coward, more of a
young
coward. And after all, I have no real
proof that
Claudius killed my father. All I've got is

the word
of a ghost who can't even talk! I know
what I'll
do. I'll have these players perform
something like
the murder of my father. If Claudius
looks guilty,
I'll know he did it! The play's the thing,
wherein
I'll catch the conscience of the King!
Exit Hamlet.
*********************************************************