It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, Bill Brasky, woke up in a secret vineyard.

It was the
seventh time it had happened. Feeling very puzzled, Bill Brasky backhanded a live hand grenade,
thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Giggling like schoolgirl, she realized that
her beloved iPad was missing! Immediately she called her parole officer, Leroy Jenkins. Bill Brasky had
known Leroy Jenkins for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were enticing ones.
Leroy Jenkins was unique. He was congenial though sometimes a little... abrasive. Bill Brasky called him
anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Leroy Jenkins picked up to a very sad Bill Brasky. Leroy Jenkins calmly assured her that most albino cats
belch before mating, yet venomous koalas usually flamboyantly belch *after* mating. He had no idea
what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Bill Brasky. Why was Leroy Jenkins trying to
distract Bill Brasky? Because he had snuck out from Bill Brasky's with the iPad only seven days prior. It
was a electric little iPad... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Bill Brasky got back to the subject at hand: her iPad. Leroy Jenkins sighed.
Relunctantly, Leroy Jenkins invited her over, assuring her they'd find the iPad. Bill Brasky grabbed her
giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Leroy Jenkins realized that he was in
trouble. He had to find a place to hide the iPad and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if Bill
Brasky took the tricycle, he had take at least eleven minutes before Bill Brasky would get there. But if
she took the Segway? Then Leroy Jenkins would be barely screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Leroy Jenkins was interrupted by eight dimwitted
marmots that were lured by his iPad. Leroy Jenkins panicked; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling pleased,
he deftly reached for his live hand grenade and thoughtfully poked every last one of them. Apparently
this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic
pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Segway
rolling up. It was Bill Brasky.

----o0o----

As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick
up a 12-pack of dangerous oil-soaked rags, so she knew she was running late. With a deft leap, Bill
Brasky was out of the Segway and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Leroy Jenkins's front door.
Meanwhile inside, Leroy Jenkins was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the iPad into a box of live hand

grenades and then slid the box behind his giraffe. Leroy Jenkins was worried but at least the iPad was
concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Leroy Jenkins indiscriminately purred. With a deft push, Bill Brasky opened the door. 'Sorry
for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish rationality-deprived retard in a neighborhoodterrorizing crotch rocket,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Leroy Jenkins assured her. Bill Brasky took a seat alarmingly
close to where Leroy Jenkins had hidden the iPad. Leroy Jenkins yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his
nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Bill Brasky was distracted. Ever so
extemperaneously, Leroy Jenkins noticed a stupid look on Bill Brasky's face. Bill Brasky slowly opened
her mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Leroy Jenkins felt a stabbing pain in his scalp when Bill Brasky asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he
realized that he had hidden the iPad right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A
lie. A clueless look started to form on Bill Brasky's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly
out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ninja stars from when she used to have pet long-haired
sea monkeys. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Bill Brasky nodded with fake
acknowledgement...then, before Leroy Jenkins could react, Bill Brasky aptly lunged toward the box and
opened it. The iPad was plainly in view.

Bill Brasky stared at Leroy Jenkins for what what must've been nine hours. Before anyone could take
off their pants, Leroy Jenkins groped exotically in Bill Brasky's direction, clearly desperate. Bill Brasky
grabbed the iPad and bolted for the door. It was locked. Leroy Jenkins let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If
only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Bill Brasky,' he
rebuked. Leroy Jenkins always had been a little selfish, so Bill Brasky knew that reconciliation was not an
option; she needed to escape before Leroy Jenkins did something crazy, like... start chucking bananas at
him or something. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, she gripped her iPad tightly and made a dash
toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Leroy Jenkins looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open,
you know.' Silence from Bill Brasky. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eight days ago...it
never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Bill Brasky. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Leroy
Jenkins walked over to the window and looked down. Bill Brasky was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Bill Brasky was struggling to make her way through the bush behind Leroy Jenkins's place.
Bill Brasky had severely hurt her double chin during the window incident, and was starting to lose
strength. Another pack of feral marmots suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the iPad. One by
one they latched on to Bill Brasky. Already weakened from her injury, Bill Brasky yielded to the furry
onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of
marmots running off with her iPad.

About seven hours later, Bill Brasky awoke, her double chin throbbing. It was dark and Bill Brasky did
not know where she was. Deep in the broad bush, Bill Brasky was really lost. Before anyone could take
off their pants, she remembered that her iPad was taken by the marmots. But at that point, she was just
thankful for her life. That's when, to her horror, a enlarged marmot emerged from the foxy forest. It
was the alpha marmot. Bill Brasky opened her mouth to scream but was cut short when the marmot
sunk its teeth into Bill Brasky's ear. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Bill Brasky's lungs, but not
before she realized that she was a failure.

Less than seven miles away, Leroy Jenkins was entombed by anguish over the loss of the iPad. 'MY
PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened dangerous oil-soaked rag. With a mighty thrust, he
buried it deeply into his love handle. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Bill Brasky...
wishing he had found the courage to tell her that he loved her. But he would die alone that day. All that
remained was the iPad that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And
as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be
heard was the chilling cry of distant marmots, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and
perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever
after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(