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1. Yes, No

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! I win!

No, no, no, no, no! I win!
No, I win!
You cheat! Mom, Bobby cheats!
You, rat! Rat, rat, rat, rat!
Mommy, Bobby calls me names!
Children, play nicely!

2.1 Romeo And Juliet

I love you, Juliet!

No, no, no, no!
I love you, Juliet.
No, not good.
I? Love? You? I love you. I love you.
Hmm Okay Not bad, not bad
I love you.
Very good! Very, very good! I love you, too, Romeo. Next!
2.2 Romeo And Juliet ( 2.1)

I hate you, Juliet!

Again.
I hate you, Juliet.
No.
I hate you! I? Hate? You? Yes? No?
Not bad
I hate you!!! You!!! I hate!!! Hate!!! Hate!!! Hate!!!
Excellent! Hate, hate! Simply excellent! Thank you, Romeo! Next!

3. Johnny + Drew=?

Im ready, Johnny, read your poem.

Yes, people, yes, its true

I love that pretty, pretty Drew.
Yes, I love Drew; I love cinema,
Shakespeare, pizza, and my ma.
But, Drew does not love me; she loves Pete.
And when I see her, I spit! Spit, spit, spit, spit!

Poor boy! Your ma loves you, Johnny! Give her a kiss!

4. Limerick
A limerick by my son Johnny.
Mister Clark has a lark.
And, Mister Rice has filthy sorry, fifty mice.
Mister Rice has fifty mice!
Mister Rook is a crook.
And, Lady Dunn has a gun.
They live in a bar in Africa no, no, in... in Zanzibar!
They all live in a bar in Zanzibar!
Very good, Johnny!
And, and Mister Doodle has a poodle,
And Mister Pork is a dork!
Oh, Johnny, I love you!
And, my mom says that Im not a dork!
You are not a dork, Johnny!
And Mister Dick is a geek! And, and
Thats enough, Johnny! Go to your room! And take that finger out of your nose!
Okay, mom

5. The Picture
Ah yes. The picture.
This is Mary-Ann. Always cute This is Caroline. Always serious
A soldier? This is
Its me. Yes. Always well strong.
You? Is it you? Really?
Yes, its me. Young, uh? And that boy is my little brother Billy.
Always with a finger up his nose.
The famous Bill the Finger? The actor?
Yes, the famous Bill and his famous finger. Hence the nick-name.
Oh! Now I understand!

6. Hate Or Love?

Oh, stop it! You know Im ticklish!

I know, sweetie pie What is that? Its a new tattoo its a portrait it is
John Lennon! I see
You see what!? I love John Lennon. All you need is love!
I know Love, sweet love and nothing else
You have food? Im so hungry, I can eat a horse.
Look in the fridge.
Where?
In the refrigerator. Where else?
OK in the fridge but youve got youve got only beer and ketchup in there!
Yes, I know. But all you need is love, right?
You! I hate you!

7. Horror

Oh hi, Jane! Still angry at me? It was just a joke

Hi, Bob! You know that I hate your jokes!
Sorry. You want to go for a movie?
It depends. Which one?
That new horror flick. I know that you like horror movies.
Yes, I do. You mean the Cut, Gut and Lots of Blood starring Muma Crumann?
Thats the one.
The directors simply a genius! I love all of his movies! Hes more than a genius!
Of course, he is
Bob!
What?
I dont like your tone!

8. Just A Cold
So, what do you think?
Eeny meeny miny moe,
Catch the monster by the toe
Muma Crumann is just great! The girls the biggest star ever! The cameraman is brilliant!
Brilliant! Im so impressed!
Yeah so am I. Tell me, who was that fat chap with the big axe?
You dont know? Hes her father, of course. You have to watch closely to understand.
I did, Jane. I swear I did.
Did you? I think Ive heard you snore once or twice.
No, I did watch it! Its Ive just got a cold, thats all!
Just a cold, eh? OK. But, be very careful, mister! Very careful, because Im watching you!
Im watching you like a hawk!

9. Reading Updike

Knock, knock!
Whos there?
Its the man you like to hate.
All right, my hateful man, come in. Whats up?
Not much. What are you doing? Reading? Are you all right?
Yes, I am reading. Its Updike
Updike? John Hoyer Updike? Son of Linda Grace (Hoyer) Updike
and Wesley Russell Updike?
Born in Reading, Pennsylvania, in nineteen thirty-two?
Graduated from Harvard College in nineteen fifty-four?
The famous novelist, essayist, critic, and overall refined intellectual? The cult author?
The Updike!?
Oh, stop it! You think that if I liked Cut, Gut and Lots of Blood, I cant read Updike?
I can, and I do! And, I enjoy doing it very much! There!

10. Hamlet
Hamlet. A poem by my son Johnny!
To be or not to be?
The silly, silly bee!
To see or not to see?
Or swim into the sea?
To eat or not to eat
That juicy chunk of meat?
Im Hamlet, Prince of Danes!
Im suffering from pains!
To talk or not to talk?
Or go for a walk?
Or hide under the bed?
The voices in my head
I rhyme and then I scream!
Or is it but a dream?
Im Hamlet, Prince I am!
Im finished. Thank you, mam
Oh, thats beautiful! You are a genius, Johnny! Simply a genius!

11. Johnny the Fireman

What is this, Johnny?
Its a book of matches and a can of petrol, mom.
I can see that it is a book of matches and a can of petrol, Johnny.
But why? What are you doing with them?
I wanna be a fireman. I like setting things on fire. I like fire. Its very bright and nice
Now, Johnny, youre upsetting your mother.
We both know that you will become a famous poet and author! And dont say wanna;
its bad English!
Okay, mom. But, can I be a famous poet and a fireman and set things on fire?
Please? Please? Please?
No, you cannot, Johnny!
But, mom
Youre upsetting your mother, John. The discussion is over!
Go to your room and study Shakespeare! And take that finger out of your nose!
Okay, mom

12. Time To
For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones together;
A time to seek,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to cast away;
A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
A time for war,
And a time for peace;
A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones together

13. A Test

Do flies fly? Do bears bear? Do ducks duck?

Yeah. Do fleas flee? Do ravens rave? Do cheetahs cheat? Do Russians rush? Thats childish!
Be serious!
OK, do you have something better, Mister Oh-So-Serious?
I do. Ill give you a very simple test. A psychological test.
OK.
Are you ready?
Yes, I am.
Repeat after me: silk, silk, silk.
Silk, silk, silk.
What do the cows drink?
Milk.
The answer is incorrect, my friend.
Why?
The cows drink water, my friend. The cows give milk.
The cows drink Oh, yes, of course, the cows drink water. I know that! But how
Psychology, my friend, the human psychology.
Ha. Cows drink milk. You got me there. I give you that
Actually, your ideas not so bad either. Its like: do Marxist guerillas fight for freedom
in a local zoo?

14. The Butler Did It!

A crime? Again? Where?
In the library, Holmes. The silverwares gone!
Ah, notice how it always happens in the library, Watson! Who was present?
Yours truly, Sir James, Lady Dunn, the judge, colonel Stockton, the banker, the doctor,
the actress, the French chef, the butler
Say no more, Watson! The butler did it!
I see. Youre a genius, Holmes, but still
Its elementary, my dear Watson. Actually, the butler is not a butler at all!
You dont say!
I recognized him right away. The butler is the brilliant, but evil Professor Martifarti
the mastermind behind every crime in the world! It was he who stole the silverware.
You mean Professor Moriarti, Holmes. Moriarti. Not Martifarti.
Martifarti, Moriarti. Whatever. Another heinous crime is solved, Watson.
Now give me the violin I want to play
Oh, I adore that man!

15. Asking For Trouble

You want coffee or tea?
Im fine, thank you.
Youve been sitting at the computer for two hours. I didnt see you have breakfast
or take a shower for that matter.
Ive been chatting. Ive found this new chat room and theres this chap
Its not healthy, you know. You sit there staring at the screen and talking to yourself.
You never even combed your hair. You look like a madman.
Oh, you exaggerate! I dont look like a madman! Its just that
Go take a shower right now and have something to eat!
Oh really
Do it now or you wont know what hit you, buddy! Are you asking for trouble?
All right, Ill go but Ill be eating without an appetite!
Just shut up and go! Dont try my patience any longer

16. Harry Forever

Look at this line, Jane! Its half a mile long! Whats going on?
Dont you know? The one hundred fiftieth or so, book of Harry Potter
by the famous author Rowling is out today. All of her fans are standing in line to buy it.
No way! And, what about that fat, bald chap in his fifties? Hes dressed up like a clown:
night gown, idiotic hat and all. Whats he supposed to be?
Your ignorance is appalling, my friend. Hes Harry Potter,
the young magician fighting the evil.
I know! I know! The whats his name
Potner chap fights the evil Agent Smith and the Matrix! And
You savage! Dont you know anything about the mass culture?
The Matrix was fought by Neo. He was the Chosen One.
And, there was also Morpheus and that chick in tight shiny trousers you liked so much.
I remember! It comes back to me now. We went to see it together, right?
Right. You were late for the show; I was angry at you and didnt talk to you for some time.
Yeah, I do remember. But, look at those people; what a herd of nitwits!
Yes, my friend, the brain-dead rule the world...

17. A House

What a gorgeous sunset! Just look at that view! Its breathtaking!

Thank you. We like it too.
Like it? Thats what I call a serious understatement! Im absolutely loving it!
Thank you. Its always nice to hear.
Have you bought the house?
No, we could never have afforded it. Not these days. My parents left it to me.
Lucky you. Its such a beautiful place. And so peaceful.
Yes, it is. And down there, we even have a private beach.
Youve got a river?
No, its a lake. Look over there we have a boat and a private mooring.
That beauty is your boat? Im gonna die By the way, what lake is it?
Its Lake Green. And, of course, its full of trout Do you like fishing?
I love it.
We also have two horses, a pony, and a donkey. Can you ride a horse?
Yes, I can.
How about a ride tomorrow morning?
Im so excited I can hardly wait!
Look, the first star!
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are

18. Abracadabra 1

Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, you have the right haircut, the right scar, the right looks.
You even have a wand. But, you do not have
Sir?
You still do not know how to say
What, sir?
You cannot pronounce the word
Yes, I can, I can!
Do not interrupt me, Harry! Youre pushing me to the limit!
Just shut your mouth and sit there! Im two hundred years old,
I have a very bad temper and I can smack you, if you do it again! You get my drift?
Yes, sir! I do, sir!
And take that finger out of your nose when Im talking to you!

19. Abracadabra 2
OK, now, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted,
you, Harry, cannot properly pronounce the word abracadabra.
You want to try it once again, Harry?
Yes, Professor Doubledoork!
Do it then.
Abracalabra abracamacabra abracashamabra abra
Get out of my face, you, little twit! Out, out!
How do you intend to defeat the all-powerful Lord Ugliwart,
if you cannot say the simple word ablaca avraca Oh, never mind!
Go and study, Harry! Study! Shame on you! No dessert for you tonight, Harry!

20. Whats The Difference?

Good morning, Jim! Can you help me with the computer again?
Uh, sure, but those chaps never brought it back
Yes, they did. Its sitting on my desk!
No way! They couldnt have gotten past me without my seeing them.
But Im telling you its right there. Ive just seen it.
Oh, maybe, youve seen a ghost or something
Are you going to help or should I ask somebody else?
Ah well lets go
Here it is!
Where?
Right here in front of you!
Im not blind. I told you they never brought it back from the shop. Its not here.
If youre making some kind of joke, its not funny. Whats this in your opinion!?
Its only a monitor.
A monitor, a computer Whats the difference?
Just help me turn it on Ive got work to do!
Oh, Good Lord!

21. Avocados
Anything else?
Okay let me see those avocados in the back. Are they ripe?
Not really. Theyre a bit hard. What do you want them for? A guacamole or a salad?
Theyre just right for a salad
Neither. I eat them straight with some salt and black pepper.
My roommate taught me that in college.
Just like that, uh?
Yep. And with some nice bread. French baguette would just do fine.
How do you do that? You make an open sandwich or what?
No, you cut it open with a knife, take out the core, salt and pepper it
and eat it with a tea spoon. Very simple but very delicious.
Hmm I should try it. You got me curious.
You wont regret it. Trust me. Youll get hooked just like me.
Oh. Okay. Thank you for your recipe!
Youre welcome.

22. Sandwich

The roast beef sandwich, please.

Half or full?
Half, please.
What kind of bread?
What dyou have?
Wheat, rye, ciabatta, French
French, I think. Yes, that one it looks good.
What kind of cheese would you like?
Make it Swiss.
Tomato, lettuce, pickles, onions?
Yes, everything. Hold on. Do you have alfalfa sprouts?
Let me check yes, we do.
Use alfalfa then, instead of the lettuce, please.
OK. Mayonnaise or mustard?
Both, mayonnaise and mustard, please. And black pepper.
Thats it?
Thats it.
Next!

23. Whats Up?

Hey, whats up, mate?

Not much, mate. Got myself a new computer. Have a look.
Wow! Thats fancy stuff! A real mean machine! A dual core processor and all!
Its special designed for gaming. Its a powerhouse. Its got the latest everything and more.
Millions of real brilliant gadgets.
Cool, man. Where did you get the money? Rob a bank? It costs at the very least ten grand.
Fifteen K in a store near you. But for me, it was free.
No way, mate!
Or, maybe, Bill Gates turned out to be your long lost uncle and gave it to you as a gift?
Luke, Im your father! Heres some small change for you
Not really. But, the Force was with me and this young Jedi got hired as a game tester.
A what?
A game tester. They pay me to test their computer games.
Thats loony, mate! They pay you to play? No way, mate!
Way! And, they gave me this computer.
Im supposed to be giving them feedback on the games they develop.
There may be bugs in the software, and they pay testers like me to find them.
Does it pay well?
It aint bad for just sitting around and playing. I used to do it for free anyway
May the Force be with you, mate!

24. Beam Me Up, Scotty!

Looks like our buddy Steve got rich. Probably won the lottery or something.
I saw him drive around in a red Lamborghini the other day.
It must be worth at least half a mil.
Yeah, I know. I talked to him yesterday and even had a ride in that rocket of his.
So, whats his story?
You wont believe it.
Try me.
OK. You know that our Stevie never in his life had a job.
So, he sits around all day in his underwear watching Star Trek and browsing the paper.
About a week ago he goes through the Auto Trader and he sees that ad.
A Lamborghini for a hundred pounds.
And being as stupid as he is he just calls the number.
The chap on the other side says Yeah. Come over and bring the money.
Stevie says to himself What the heck, its only a ten minute drive, what am I gonna lose?
You with me so far?
Yes, I am. Go on.
Lets have a beer first. I had a tough day. Want a beer?
Sure. Beam me up, Scotty!

25. Live Long and Prosper!

Thanks for the beer, man. Go on with the story, will you?
So, you like it so far, uh?
You bet I do! The suspense is killing me. Im on my toes waiting for the punch line!
All right then, it gets even better. Our Captain Kirk gets there;
the chap gives him the owners title and the keys,
and off our Stevie goes in his new Lamborghini.
No, you must be kidding.
I kid you not, man. The story, apparently,
is that the chap was in the middle of a very ugly divorce.
I mean ugly. Ugly as they can get.
He and his ex-wife fought over that Lamborghini for years.
Finally, the judge rules that the chap must sell the car and give the money to his ex.
Oh, no!
Oh, yes, my man! Oh, yes! So, the chap tells the judge, very quietly, mind you,
Yes, your honor! Of course, your honor!
He sells his car to our friend for the one hundred pounds and sends the check to his ex.
The curtain falls. End of story.
My, oh my, oh my! Looks like the stupid ones have all the luck in the world!
Lets drink to our lucky Captain Steve and his new spaceship!
Live long and prosper!

26. What Do You Think?

Have you seen the American presidential debate last night? It was quite a show.
Im sorry to say I have.
You dont seem to be very impressed.
Impressed I was. By their incredible stupidity!
The Republican candidate kept talking about nu-killer weapons.
He cant even say nuclear. I dont believe he went to Harvard.
Probably slept all the way through it
Well, brains are not his strong side. I give you that. What about the other chap?
The Democrat.
The Democrat, right!
Hes got more money in his pocket than Bill Gates and Donald Trump together.
The other day, they showed his ranch in California and it was the size of New Zealand.
And he stands for the poor. Yeah, right
I see. What about our new Prime Minister, then? What do you think of him?
Well, his suit looks OK. His haircuts perfect. His teeth sparkle. What else do we need?
Hes a darling!
You seem to be in a very critical mood today, my friend.
Well, youre right. Today Im a bit grouchy. But its all a game and you know it.
Yes, indeed I do, my friend. But sometimes this game is very interesting to watch

27. The Impossible Book

Hi, lets go for a walk or something!

Oh, Im kind of busy here
Busy bee as always. What are you doing? Reading again? Let me see the title.
Its a bit silly, actually. Youre gonna laugh.
The title is It is impossible to teach you a foreign language.
So? Like I didnt know.
I always knew there was no way I could be taught a foreign language.
Thats exactly the point the author makes.
His whole argument is that you must teach yourself.
You can learn it only yourself, from within; no one can teach you, from without.
No teacher, no professor, no one.
Well, hmm maybe, its not as stupid as the title sounds.
No, its not. Its pretty funny but also smart at the same time. I think youd like it.
Im suspicious. The chap probably sells you some magic pill in the end.
One of those scam artists.
Nothing of the kind. Youre just being cynical. Youve got to trust people a little bit more.
If you say so, but Im intrigued. Maybe, I can borrow the book from you sometime.
Sure. When Im done with it. By the way, you can download it from the Web for free.
Really? Maybe, Ill do that. You cant beat free

28. Games?
Oh, its so exciting! Halloween is coming. I need a costume.
Have you decided on a costume yet?
Yes, I have. I wont have one.
What do you mean? What about the Halloween party?
Im not going anywhere. No way.
Why? Its such fun. Ill dress up like an evil witch, I think.
I thought you were a Christian.
But, of course, Im a Christian.
I dont think that being a Christian and being a witch add up.
Dont be so serious! Its just a game. Just fun.
Aha. Its a game all right. But only its a satanic one, pure and simple.
Oh, I can dress up like a good witch or a fairy, if you want me to.
Well, I dont. Good or bad, it doesnt really change anything.
Im pretty fed up with all this satanism under the guise of fun and tradition.
Im not playing this game any more.
What are you going to do then?
I dont know. Whatever. Study French or something
We can study together
You mean that? Really?
Yep.

29. The Magic Word

My car died on me. Just round the corner.
Obviously, you need a new one. Yours is a piece of junk.
Its not a piece of junk. Its a vintage classic.
Its a Bentley sixty eight with all the original parts.
All?
Well, almost all. Sure she needs some repairing, but all in all, shes in fine shape.
Fine shape, right. Then my wheelchair-bound grandmother is in fine shape, too.
What are you going to do, if the next time it dies on you in a fast lane?
Well, I dont take fast lanes. Shes not that fast
Is that supposed to be funny? Im not laughing, you know. Its pretty serious.
You can kill yourself.
Im not going to kill myself.
Ill change the battery, the plugs, and the fuel filter and shes going to be just like new.
Fine, suit yourself.
OK
OK what?
Can I borrow your car for a couple of days?
And?
And what?
The magic word.
Please

30. Roach
Attention, class! Look at the common cockroach. Beautiful, isnt it?
Most probably, it originated in the Silurian Period
about three hundred and fifty million years ago. I mean, not this little chap here, of course,
but his great-great-great-granddaddy. Cockroaches can be found everywhere in the world,
from the tropical rain forest to the arctic, and even, I believe,
in the heads of certain people in this classroom. Johnny, take that finger out of your nose!
There exists no less than four thousand roach species.
In a year, a single female can spawn over half a million little johnnies, ah, well, descendants.
Well done, girl! Radiation doesnt really bother them. Probably, they even enjoy it!
From the survivalists point of view, theyre practically flawless creatures.
Theyve got only a very simple nervous system. Johnny!
And their lifes ruled just by basic environmental stimuli and nothing else.
Unlike us, theyre incapable of thinking, of writing books or composing music
Compared to this chap, Johnny, were, well, gods and must therefore act appropriately
Take that finger out of your nose, Johnny!
Okay, teach Teach-the-roach, teach-the-leech eat the soap, lick the bleach
What did you say? Lick what?
Nothing, teacher. My pen leaks

31. Vanity of Vanities

Vanity of vanities, all is vanity.
One generation goes, and another generation comes; but the earth remains forever.
The sun also rises, and the sun goes down, and hurries to its place where it rises.
The wind goes toward the south, and turns around to the north.
It turns around continually as it goes, and the wind returns again to its courses.
All the rivers run into the sea, yet the sea is not full.
To the place where the rivers flow, there they flow again.
All things are full of weariness beyond uttering.
That which has been is that which shall be;
and that which has been done is that which shall be done;
and there is no new thing under the sun...

32. He Who Increases Knowledge

All is vanity and a chasing after wind
I said to myself,
"Behold, I have obtained for myself great wisdom above all who were before me in Jerusalem.
Yes, my heart has had great experience of wisdom and knowledge."
I applied my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly.
I perceived that this also was a chasing after wind.
For in much wisdom is much grief; and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow