COMEDIC MONOLOGUES

HUMPTY
It was a dark and stormy night in fairyland. A night just
perfect for witches. With fairy godmother in the clink, I began
to wonder if we were ready for a world turned topsy-turvy. It's
a world gone mad. I was about to call it a day because I had
this over easy feeling coming over me... when she rolled in.
She had the figure of a fortress and the countenance of a
cobra. I told her to beat it unless she wanted to have a talk
with all the King's horses and all the King's men. But then her
eyes teared up and I was speechless. Hey, I've got feelings.
I'm a bit soft-boiled around the dames. And this dame needed
help. And help is what I do, because I'm Humpty Dumpty,
Private Egg. Hard-boiled detective.
GENIE
Aaaaahhhhh! OY! Ten-thousand years will give ya such a crick
in the neck! Whoa! Does it feel good to be outta there! Nice
to be back, ladies and gentlemen! Hey, Rugman! Havent
seen you in a few millennia! Slap me some tassel! Yo! Yeah!
(high-fives carpet) Say, youre a lot smaller than my last
master. Either that or Im gettin bigger. Look at me from the
side, do I look different to you? Thats right, youre my
master! Now what would you wish of me? The ever
impressive, the long contained, often imitated, but never
duplicated. Genie! Of! The Lamp! You get three wishes to
be exact. And ix-nay on the wishing for more wishes. Thats it,
three. Uno, dos, tres. No substitutions, exchanges or refunds.
So, whadda ya want??

MALE