Complete-Conflict Resolution Trainers Manual PDF

CONFLICT RESOLUTION
TRAINERS MANUAL
12 Skills
2nd edition
CONFLICT RESOLUTON NETWORK

Fiona Hollier
Kerrie Murray
Helena Cornelius
Conflict Resolution
Trainers Manual
12 Skills
First published in Australia in 1993,

Second edition published in Australia in 2008
by
The Conflict Resolution Network
PO Box 1016
Chatswood NSW 2057
Australia
Ph+61 2 9419 8500 Fax +61 2 9413 1148
Email: crn@crnhq.org
Web: www.crnhq.org
1993, 2008 The Conflict Resolution Network
ABN 88 000 823 450
In the interests of promoting the skills for a peaceful world, any part of this manual may be freely
reproduced for participants, included in new training manuals, articles and books or adapted, without
seeking our permission. However, acknowledgement of Conflict Resolution Network and its contact
details must be included with any content used.
Please let us know about the uses you have made of the material. That is our best reward.
Cataloguing Data
Hollier, Fiona.
nd
Conflict Resolution Trainers Manual: 12 Skills, 2 edition.
ISBN 0 9587911 5 5
1. Conflict management.
2. Communication skills.
3. Teambuilding. 4. Relationships
5. Peace studies
I. Murray, Kerrie. II Cornelius, Helena. III. Title.
302.3
Written by Fiona Holier, Kerrie Murray and Helena Cornelius
Typeset by David Smith and Julianne Wargren
Illustrated and designed by Susan Owen and Sonya Page-Smith
CONFLICT RESOLUTION
TRAINERS MANUAL
12 Skills
2nd edition
Acknowledgements
This manual has been many years in the making. Conflict Resolution Network first started
developing and collecting this material in 1986 as part of its core purpose to research,
develop, teach and implement the theory and practice of Conflict Resolution and make the
skills easily accessible world-wide.
This manual represents the collected wisdom of many great writers in the fields of
management, psychology, personal development and education many of whom are
acknowledged in references throughout the manual.
It represents also the contributions of the thousands of participants as they have worked
through the materials on CR courses.
We have been privileged to have the advice of many highly skilled trainers who have
shown us better ways to conduct segments and offered us new teaching points and
experiential exercises.
May we thank them all collectively and specially acknowledge:
Caroline Butler, Stella Cornelius, Thomas Crum, Shoshana Faire, Robyn Gaspari, Jan
Grant, Christine James, Robert Kyosaki, Vanessa Lynne, Lis Moller, Jan Paton, Greg
Tillett, Judy Walker, Stuart Walker and Julie Wells.
This second edition, directed by Helena Cornelius, represents countless hours of the most
caring and dedicated work. David Smith, Estella Cornelius, Julianne Wargren and Nancy
Shearer should be especially acknowledged in this process. All have held the vision of
making a cost-free digital version for our website, which is up-to-date and fully accessible
for students and trainers.
We expect this material to continue to evolve and welcome your comments, suggestions
and ideas for updating in the future.
Table of Contents
INTRODUCTION
I
Running CR Courses
II
Icebreakers and Energisers
III
Understanding Conflict
THE TWELVE SKILLS OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION

1.
The Win/Win Approach
2.
Creative Response
3.
Empathy
4.
Appropriate Assertiveness
5.
Co-operative Power
6.
Managing Emotions
7.
Willingness to Resolve
8.
Mapping the Conflict
9.
Designing Options
10.
Negotiation
11.
Mediation
12.
Broadening perspectives
ADDITIONAL SKILLS AND APPLICATIONS

IV
Aikido
Bioenergetics
Index
Running Conflict Resolution Courses

Core Material:
A. Experiential Learning and CR
I.2
B. Training Hints
I.4
C. Ethical Considerations in Training
I.5
D. Constructing Courses
I.6
E. How to use the Conflict Resolution Manual 12 Skills
I.8
F. Acknowledging The Conflict Resolution Network
I.11
G. A Practical Guide to Becoming a Trainer in

Conflict Resolution Skills
I.12
H. Bibliography, Recommended Reading and DVDs/Videos
I.14
Handouts:
Section C:
II
Course Evaluation
H. I.20

Core Material:
A. Icebreakers: Rationale
II.2
B. Icebreakers: Method
II.2
C. Energisers: Rationale
II.2
D. Energisers: Method
II.3
E. Variations
II.3
Activities:
Outcomes Introduction
A.II.1
Introductions
A.II.3
Name Game
A.II.4
Id like you all to meet
A.II.5
Mindchatter
A.II.6
Knots
A.II.7
Group Story Telling
A.II.8
E.S.P.
A.II.9
Thunderstorm
A.II.11
6
III
Zip, Zap, Boing, Pop
A.II.12
Rhythm, Rhyme and Association
A.II.13
Core Material:
A. About Conflict
III.2
B. Introductions and Setting Goals for the Course
III.2
C. Recalling Personal Experience of Conflict
III.3
D. Levels of Conflict
III.4
E. The Tools of Conflict Resolution
III.7
F. Conclusion 7
Handouts:
Section D:
1.
Levels of Conflict Exercise
H.III.1
Levels of Conflict
H.III.2

Core Material:
A. Stimulus Activity
1.2
B. How We Behave in Conflict
1.2
C. A Model for Understanding Behaviour in Conflict
1.3
D. The Principles of a Win/Win Approach
1.7
E. When Win/Win Seems Impossible
1.11
F. Concluding Comments
1.12
Activities:
The Handshake Exercise
A.1.1
The Arm Wrestling Exercise
A.1.3
Handouts:
Section C:
Section E:
Behaviours in Conflict
H.1.1
Fight, Flight, Flow: Some Behaviours
H.1.2
When Win/Win Seems Impossible
H.1.3
Key Features of the Win/Win Approach
H.1.4
2.
Creative Response
Core Material:
2.2
B. Exploring Our Responses to Conflict:

React or Respond
2.2
C. Two Models for Approaching Conflict:

Perfection and Discovery
2.4
D. Looking for the Positive in Conflict
2.6
E. An Action Program for Developing More

Creative Responses to Conflict
2.7
Activities:
The Block Puzzle
A.2.1
Handouts:
Section C:
3.
Perfection and Discovery Approaches
H.2.1
Empathy
Core Material:
A. Exploring the Meaning of Empathy
3.3
B. Valuing Differences the DISC Exercise
3.4
C. Introduction to Empathy Blockers
3.4
D. Detailed Look at Empathy Blockers
3.5
E. Concluding Discussion: Empathy Blockers
3.6
F. Introduction to Active Listening
3.7
G. Listening to Gain Information
3.9
H. Asking Questions
3.9
I.
Listening to Give Affirmation
3.11
J.
Listening When under Verbal Attack to Deal with

Another's Inflammation
3.14
K. Reflection on Listening
3.16
Activities:
The DISC Exercise
A.3.1
Blocking Communication
A.3.9
Experiencing Empathy Blockers
A.3.10
Experiencing the Difference Between Empathy

Blockers and Active Listening
A.3.12
Static
A.3.14
Back-to-Back Drawing
A.3.15
Shopping List
A.3.17
Identifying Feelings and Responding
A.3.19
Active Listening to Affirm
A.3.20
Handouts:
Section B:
Behavioural Style Questionnaire
H.3.1
DISC Model
H.3.2
Differences in Behavioural Style
H.3.3
Section D:
Empathy Blockers
H.3.4
Section E:
Create Empathy
H.3.5
Section I:
H.3.6
Active Listening... Some Helpful Hints
H.3.7
Active Listening for Different Purposes
H.3.8
Listen
H.3.9
Section K:
4.
Core Material:
A. Distinguishing between Aggressive, Passive and
Assertive Behaviour
4.3
B. Understanding our Responses to Conflict
4.4
C. Needs and Rights
4.5
D. "I" Statements
4.6
E. After an "I" Statement: Where to Next?
4.13
F. Additional Assertiveness Activities
4.15
Activities:
React or Respond
A.4.1
Creating a Bill of Assertive Rights
A.4.3
Formulating "I" Statements
A.4.5
Experiencing the Difference between Aggressive and

Assertive Styles
A.4.7
Broken Record Technique
A.4.9
Handouts:
Section A:
Will you React or Respond?
H.4.1
Fight, Flight, Flow
H.4.2
9
5.
Section C:
A Bill of Assertive Rights
H.4.3
Section D:
"I" Statements
H.4.4
Co-operative Power
Core Material:
5.3
B. Introduction to Power
5.3
C. Power Bases
5.4
D. Power Game Relationships Persecuting,

Rescuing and Playing Victim Triangle
5.6
E. Discovery Circle
5.9
F. Personal Power
5.13
G. Transforming "I should'' to "I choose''
5.14
H. Shifting Away from Demand Behaviour
5.20
I.
Exploring Positive Outcomes from the Past
5.20
J.
Dealing with Difficult Behaviours
5.20
K. Responding to Resistance from Others
5.22
L. Working with Powerful People
5.23
M. Concluding Comments
5.25
Activities:
Power Line-up
A.5.1
Power Game Triangle and Discovery Circle
A.5.3
Demand Behaviour
A.5.9
A.5.12
A.5.14
Responding to Resistance from Others
A.5.16
Developing Responses to Deal with Resistance from

Others
A.5.23
Handouts:
Section C:
Manipulation and Influence
H.5.1
Section D:
Power Game Triangle
H.5.2
Section E:
Transforming the Power Game Triangle

into the Discovery Circle
H.5.3
Discovery Circle
H.5.4
Section F:
Ten Empowering Thoughts
H.5.5
Section G:
Transforming "I Should'' to "I Choose''
H.5.6
10
Section H
H.5.7
Demand Behaviour Power Over
H.5.8
An Alternative to Demand Behaviour

Power With
H.5.9
Section I:
Exploring Positive Aspects from The Past
H.5.10
Section J:
Strategies to Deal with Difficult Behaviours
H.5.11
Dealing With Difficult Behaviours
H.5.12
H.5.13
Section K
6.
Personal Power: I Should vs I Choose
Managing Emotions
Core Material:
A. Identifying Emotions and their Effects
6.3
B. Expressing Our Emotions
6.5
C. Handling Our Own Anger
6.8
D. Managing Our Emotions
6.8
E. Handling Difficult Emotions in Others
6.9
F. Concluding Discussion
6.10
Activities:
Exploring Our Emotional Responses to Conflict
A.6.1
Focusing
A.6.3
Handling Another Person's Inflammation
A.6.6
Handouts:
Section A:
How Do You Feel Today?
H.6.1
Accepting Our Emotions
H.6.2
Section B:
Cycle of Emotion
H.6.3
Section C:
Handling Your Own Anger
H.6.4
Section D:
Exploring Our Response to Conflict
H.6.5
Focusing on Conflict
H.6.6
Handling Difficult Emotions in Others
H.6.7
Section E:
7.
Core Material:
A. Exploring Our Unwillingness to Resolve
7.2
B. Projection
7.4
C. Resentment and Acknowledgement
7.8
11
D. Forgiveness
7.11
E. Managing Unwillingness to Resolve in Others
7.12
7.13
Activities:
Desert Island Exercise
A.7.1
Forgiveness Process
A.7.4
Handouts:
Section B:
Section E:
8.
H.7.1
Projection and Shadow
H.7.2
Managing Unwillingness to Resolve in

Others
H.7.3
Mapping Conflict
Core Material:
A. Introduction to Mapping
8.2
B. The Steps of Mapping
8.3
C. Reading a Map
8.7
D. When to Use Mapping
8.8
E. When it is Difficult to Identify the Issue
8.9
F. From Mapping to Generating Solutions
8.12
Activities:
Cluster Diagram
A.8.1
Source Areas of Conflict
A.8.4
Handouts:
Section B:
9.
Mapping
H.8.1
How to Uncover Needs
H.8.2
Section C:
Reading Your Map
H.8.3
Section E:
H.8.4
Designing Options
Core Material:
9.2
B. Creating Options
9.2
12
C. A Practice Session on Designing Options
9.3
D. Steps in Selecting Options
9.5
E. Acting on the Chosen Option
9.6
9.6
Activities:
Unleashing Creativity
A.9.1
Handouts:
Section B:
10.
Designing Options
H.9.1
Negotiation
Core Material:
10.3
B. Exploring the Concept of Negotiation
10.3
C. The Phases and Skills of a Negotiation
10.5
D. Responding to Resistance from Others
10.12
E. Opening a Negotiation
10.13
F. Using DISC to Understand Negotiation Styles
10.14
G. Responding to "Unfair" Tactics
10.16
H. Practising Negotiation
10.17
Activities:
Buying and Selling
A.10.1
Opening a Negotiation
A.10.5
Negotiation in Practice
A.10.7
Handouts:
Section C:
The Skills of Negotiation
H.10.1
Section E:
Thirty Second Opener
H.10.2
Section F:
DISC Negotiation Styles Worksheet
H.10.3
Section G:
Strategies for Responding to Unfair Tactics
H.10.4
Responding to Unfair Tactics
H.10.5
Negotiation: Preparation Phase
H.10.6
Section H:
13
11.
Mediation
Core Material:
A. Exploring the Meaning and Uses of Mediation
11.3
B. The Purposes of this Session
11.5
C. The Qualities of Mediators
11.5
D. Identifying the Stages and Skills in a Mediation
11.8
E. Applying Key Principles and Skills of Mediation to

Everyday Conflicts
11.12
F. A Broader Perspective on Mediation
11.12
Activities:
Mirroring
A.11.1
Establishing a Mediation
A.11.3
The Stages and Skills of Mediation
A.11.5
Handouts:
Section E:
12.
Mirroring
H.11.1
The Third Party Mediator
H.11.2
Mediation Skills
H.11.3
Observations During a Mediation
H.11.4
Broadening Perspectives
Core Material:
A. About Broadening Perspectives
12.2
B. Steps in Broadening Perspectives
12.5
C. Closing the Course and Acknowledgements
12.8
Activities:
Case Studies in Conflict
A.12.1
Handouts:
Section A:
The Skills of Conflict Resolution
H.12.1
Case Study in Conflict
H.12.3
Family Feud Part 1
H.12.3
Family Feud Part 2
H.12.4
The Split Up Part 1
H.12.5
The Split Up Part 2
H.12.6
14
The New Manager Part 1
H.12.7
H.12.8
The Barking Dog Part 1
H.12.9
The Barking Dog Part 2'
H.12.10
The Oval Part 1
H.12.11
The Oval Part 2
H.12.12
Professionals and Volunteers Part 1 H.12.13

Professionals and Volunteers Part 2 H.12.14
Section B:
IV.
Workplace Bargaining Part 1
H.12.15
H.12.16
Intention/Commitment Sheet
H.12.17
Aikido
Core Material:
A. Introduction to AIKIDO
IV.2
B. Aikido and its Relevance to CR
IV.3
Activities:
Aikido Exercises
V.
A. IV.1
Bioenergetics
Core Material:
A. Experiencing Emotions in our Bodies
V.2
B. An Introduction to Bioenergetics
V.4
C. Bioenergetics in Context
V.4
Activities:
Bioenergetics Exercises
V.1
15

Objectives:
To familiarise trainers with the training principles underlying the

material and the design of the manual.
To offer suggestions on how the material can be used effectively.
Sections:
Handouts:
I.17
B. Training Hints
I.19
I.20
I.21
I.23
I.26
G. A Practical Guide to Becoming a Trainer in

Conflict Resolution Skills
I.27
I.29
Section C
Course Evaluation
H.I.1
16

"I still remember the material covered in the Conflict Resolution course
two years ago, and I keep using it every day." These are words
trainers love to hear. CR trainers hear them frequently.
Learning means change. It means change in how we think and how
we act. It involves altering our mental processes, expanding and
adapting our repertoire of behaviours, and reviewing our habits. Using
an interactive and experiential approach makes it much more likely
that participants will consistently implement CR attitudes and skills in
their workplace, community and personal lives.
Participants bring with them the ideas, intuitions, and behaviours they
have spent a lifetime building. Trainers usually have only a brief time in
which to encourage effective learning, and real and useful change.
How is this best achieved?
Identify Participants' Current Views
Help participants to recognise and clarify their current ideas and
behaviours, and assess the usefulness of these ideas in resolving
conflicts in their lives.
This heightens their interest in learning effective alternative ideas and
strategies.
Help Participants Construct Their Own Understandings
Training isn't about just giving people a new set of ideas. The ideas
have to fit into a framework of what they already know. You activate
the framework by discussing their current views first of all and then
help them make new links to the material you are presenting.
New meanings are not transferences by the trainer; they are
transformations by the learner.
Be Aware of Participants' Level of Readiness to Learn
Participants in a course will be ready to learn if they are there
voluntarily, and if they identify problems and their limitations in solving
them. If participants are not yet "ready", it is not advisable to proceed
too far. Instead, work on encouraging their commitment, identifying
their needs, and getting them to recognise the weaknesses in their
current ideas and behaviours.
17
Use a Variety of Interactive Approaches

Learning occurs by engaging the participant actively in the process.
Use lots of questions. Questions hook the mind. (They are bold in the
text so the trainer can glance down to find them easily.)
Encourage a debate and discussion within the confines of your time
limits. This will be most fruitful if your questions do not require the
''right" answer. Try to treat all answers as a contribution to the group's
understanding. When people are assured that they won't be made
''wrong'' they are far more likely to contribute actively.
The attitude shifts and understandings you are working towards can
usually be elicited from the group, by astute questioning. They are
more likely to become part of the person's behavioural repertoire if
they can say "I thought of that myself".
Always structure a session with some activities which require active
participation. People need to talk and practise.
People love stories. Tell personal anecdotes that illustrate a point.
Keep them short and relevant to the group's purpose. With the same
provisos encourage participants to personalise the materials with their
own stories.
Wherever possible, work on current conflicts experienced by
participants. This heightens the significance of the example.
Active investigations and practical experiences are especially valuable
because they engage participants in moving repeatedly between
mental concepts and actual behaviours.
Be Precise
People also need to be reminded of what they have learnt and what
they are about to learn. Use introductions, summaries, and blackboard
key points to focus and reinforce learning. This manual will help you be
precise about the teaching points you are getting across. Woolly
thinking does not promote change. Sharp clarity does.
Use Language Appropriately
Ideas are made and shared using language. Where the vocabulary
and syntax is precise and engaging (without being pedantic and overblown), the ideas can more clearly be expressed, recognised and
adapted to the uses of the participants.
Many CR words have distinctive meanings and usages, even though
they also appear in common use. Draw attention to how these words
are deliberately distinctive, or confusion and distortion will easily occur,
e.g. the distinction between mediation and arbitration.
18
B. Training Hints
Group Size
A group of 1225 works well. Larger groups benefit from more
activities and small groups discussions. Also consider two trainers for
large groups.
Seating
Optimum seating arrangement is circular or semi-circular.
It is essential that chairs are movable so that participants can do the
activities.
Flip chart/whiteboard/blackboard: Use a board, preferably with flip
chart paper, to record key points and catch phrases as they emerge
for visual reinforcement.
Coloured Pens
Ideally use a variety of coloured pens to distinguish headings and
points, and make board notes visually interesting.
Methods
Use a range of training methods to provide variety and to suit the
different ways that people like to learn e.g. large and small group
discussion, role plays, simulations, completion of handouts, minilectures etc.
Handouts
Give out most handouts at the end of a session so that participants
focus their attention on the discussion and developing their own ideas
rather than on reading the handouts.
Bibliography for Training Presentation Techniques
Clarke, Jean Illsley Who, Me Lead a Group (USA: Parenting Press,
1998)
Hamer, Kerri Leading a Group (Sydney: Kerri Hamer, 1997)
Kroehmert, Gary Basic Training for Trainers (2nd Edition) (Australia,
McGraw Hill Books Co, 1995)
19

Conflict Resolution sessions involve both emotions and opinions, and
so there are important obligations between trainer and participants,
and amongst the participants. Some of these require attention during
planning, and some arise during the interactions within the sessions
themselves.
It is the responsibility of trainers to:
explain the intentions and objectives at the start of the course,
the sessions and the activities. It needs to be clear what the
participants can expect.
discuss the need for confidentiality as a protection and an
encouragement to everyone's honest and free participation.
Consensus needs to be reached as to the level and type of
confidentiality everyone can abide by, before the course
commences.
ensure that the privacy of trainers and participants is respected.
Activities and discussions need to allow people to expose only as
much personal information as they wish.
minimise the amount of time they and some participants use when
monopolising or rambling. This reduces participants' energy and
enthusiasm, distracts from the effective pursuit of the session's
objectives, and wastes the group's resources.
ensure that there is sufficient debriefing discussion time at the end
of activities for participants to talk through what they felt. In this
way, participants can leave the session cleared of the strong
emotions activities often evoke.
state clearly that participants have the freedom not to participate
in an activity. It is usually helpful to encourage participants to push
through minor reluctance, but strong discomfort needs to be
respected.
be aware of signs of emotional distress in any participant. A
session should never be planned or executed for this to happen
deliberately, and trainers need to watch for such signs so the
activity or discussion can be diverted to minimise the person's hurt
and allow them to recover. Trainers need to be ready to support
these participants and refer them to appropriate competent support.
be alert to (and, indeed, actively seek) feedback from participants.
Sessions need to be adjusted to deal with emerging issues and
needs, wherever appropriate. Courses also need to be evaluated
formally by the participants as to the matter and manner of the
course, and the performance of the trainer. See the handout:
"Course Evaluation''
20
Applying These Skills
The skills in this manual are useful in the workplace and in personal
life. In workplace settings, it is appropriate for the trainer to mostly use
workplace examples. However, employers and training officers are
recognising increasingly that wherever people learn skills to resolve
their personal disputes, they increase workplace productivity. Both
workplace and personal examples are suitable, then, as the skills are
transferable.
Names For Courses
Market courses in conflict resolution under a variety of names such as:
Resolving Conflict Constructively
Creative Communication
Communicating for Success
Workplace Communication
Creative Problem Solving.
Include conflict resolution materials in courses such as:
Stress Management
Effective Parenting
Team Building
Grievance Handling
Change Management
Classroom Management
Leadership
Achieving Peak Performance.
21
Needs Analysis
If participants are enrolling in an advertised course, obtain a clear
picture of their needs and interests at the start of the course. This can
be done when individuals introduce themselves in turn around the
circle, or more formally by giving out a needs survey. If, instead, the
course is being tailored to meet the specific needs of a group or
organisation, send out a questionnaire designed particularly for the
group or interview participants beforehand to ascertain their needs.
Collating the results will help guide the trainer in ordering (and possibly
selecting) the skills, activities and examples.
Skills Sequence
An understanding of what conflict is, the Win/Win Approach, and
moving from reaction to response form the foundation for all the other
skills.
Vary the sequence in which the skills are covered to suit the needs
and interests of participants.
Course Duration
Sometimes a request is made for a seminar with a particular focus
such as "managing emotions".
However, when the brief is ''...a course in conflict resolution", consider
the following suggestions.
3 days: explore the key concepts of all the twelve skills, with
numbers of activities to reinforce learning.
2 days: focus on nine or ten skills, possibly omitting negotiation
and mediation.
1 day:
consider Understanding Conflict, The Win/Win Approach,

Empathy (listening skills), Appropriate Assertiveness ("I"
statements), and Mapping.
day:
explore the nature of conflict The Win/Win Approach, and

one of the interaction skills, such as Assertiveness or
Empathy.
22

Finding Content
Table of Contents:
chapter titles.
Index:
details of chapters including activities

and handouts
Chapter Title Pages:
objectives, essential background,

session times, details of sections within
the core material, activities and
handouts.
Chapter Numbers
Chapters are identified, both with a written title and a number. Two
number systems are used:
Standard Numerals: 112
Two Roman Numerals: I, II...
The standard numerals are to identify the chapters that cover the
twelve skills of conflict resolution, and correspond to the order of
presentation in some other materials produced by The Conflict
Resolution Network.
The Roman numerals identify all other chapters. This chapter is the
only chapter which does not contain training material.
Components of Each Chapter
In Chapters 112, there are three components:
Core material: this includes the key concepts of each skill, presented
in a way that facilitates interaction between and amongst the
participants and the trainer. It also includes activities which either:
are simple to explain and do not interrupt the flow and sense of the
main material; and/or,
are considered as essential to train participants in the core
material.
Activities: this includes role plays, simulations, guided reflections,
handouts and small group discussions. Within the core material,
trainers are directed to the activity section, as in the example below:
Handling Another Person's Inflammation: a role play in which
participants practise active listening skills (see Managing Emotions
Activities A.6.6).
(20 minutes)
23
The activities are placed in the order that correspond to the order in
which they arise in the core material.
Handouts: this includes all the handouts which are referred to in the
core material and in the activities.
Instructions to distribute a handout appear in the text as in the
example below:
Give out the handout: ''Discovery Circle''
The handouts are placed in the same order as they appear in the core
material and in the activities.
Timing
Timing for sessions will vary depending on the emphasis a trainer
wishes to give to the material, and on the participants' needs and
interests.
As a guide, approximate times are given throughout the manual.
On the title page of each chapter, session times are given. These
include the time it would take to run each section including its
accompanying activities.
Throughout the chapter, times for running a whole section are given
in bold as in the example below:
E. Discovery Circle
(1hour)
The (1 hour) includes the time it would take to cover the core material
plus run the accompanying activity. Within each section the time it
would take to run the activity component is also specified not bolded.
So in Section E. Discovery Circle, the activity is listed as follows:
Power Game Triangle & Discovery Circle Game: Part 2 :
participants do...etc
(45 minutes)
At the beginning of each activity in the shaded area headed Trainers'
Information Only, the time it will take to run that activity is also listed.
Page Numbering
Activities and Handouts have their page numbers prefixed by ''A'' and
''H'' respectively.
So, for example, within Chapter 1. The Win/Win Approach, pages
appear as
Core material:
1.1 , 1.2, 1.3 etc
Activities:
A.1.1, A.1.2, A.1.3 etc
Handouts:
H.1.1, H.1.2, H.1.3 etc.
24
Typefaces within the Text

Bold: a key point and/or needs special care with expression perhaps
say it verbatim. Questions to be posed by the trainer to the group are
also written in bold
Italics: an instruction to trainers (not to be said directly to participants).
Section Separators
Trainers printing out the whole manual may choose to use two
different colour papers for activities and handouts.
If you choose to buy a hard copy of the manual (see Resources on the
website: www.crnhq.org) the various sections are printed on different
papers with a plastic sleeve o handout masters for photocopying for
participants is stowed at the back of the manual.
25

The materials in this manual are the copyright of The Conflict
Resolution Network. You may reproduce sections in your own training
material provided our copyright notice appears. The document is
available for download from our website in Microsoft Word to facilitate
this process.
Any handout may be reproduced if the acknowledgement notice in the
bottom border appears.
If a new handout is developed for a specific purpose, which is based
substantially on a Conflict Resolution Network handout, these words
should appear on the new handout:
Adapted from materials of The Conflict Resolution Network, PO
Box 1016, Chatswood NSW 2057, Australia www.crnhq.org
As well, anyone who wishes to indicate their association with The
Conflict Resolution Network and its teaching materials may do so by
including the following acknowledgement in their written or spoken
material:
This program includes content developed by The Conflict
Resolution Network, a network of people with a common
commitment to Conflict Resolution, co-operative communication
strategies and related skills.
26
G. A Practical Guide to Becoming a Trainer in Conflict Resolution

Skills
The Conflict Resolution Network receives many phone calls from
people interested in becoming consultants and trainers in Conflict
Resolution Skills. People are often uncertain how to go about it. Here
is a step-by-step guide.
Gain a thorough understanding of CR skills.
Read the book Everyone Can Win (preferably the 2nd edition
which is significantly updated) and the CRN Trainers' Manual.
Master the participative and interactive methods used to teach CR,
keeping lecture material short.
Make the skills part of your own everyday language.
Choose where you will first market yourself. If you have never
taught before, one of the best ways of getting started is to form a
small study group in your own home or workplace. Find around six
people to come along each week to do study sessions together.
Prepare well for each session. New trainers might put around eight
hours of preparation into a two hour session. Try to do the
preparation week by week. Starting with a concentrated two day
workshop may require you to absorb too much material all at once.
Evening colleges, university extension courses and Adult Education
centres are also good starting places. Change the title of your
course if other courses on the catalogue sound similar e.g. change
to Psychology of Creative Communication, Assertiveness Training,
or Communication Skills. (See also suggestions in Section D of this
chapter.)
Having your course listed does not guarantee an audience.
Advertise with letterbox drops, notices at the local library,
newsagents and local cafes. This will be greatly appreciated by the
organisers.
Once you have taught your first CR course, your confidence should
grow. Participants usually give positive feedback, and the
opportunities for in-depth discussions that arise from studying the
materials can be extremely fulfilling. Negative feedback is a great
opportunity for improving your skills.
Promote a CR course in your areas of expertise e.g. computer
training, education, or management. Make CR training an extra
string to your bow.
Design the course to meet the specific needs of your group. (See
Section D of this chapter) For assistance contact:
CRN Information Centre Tel: 61 2 9419 8500.
Email: crn@crnhq.org
27
Work with another trainer, if possible, when you first start. There is
a lot to plan and two heads are always better than one. Perhaps
you plan to teach a CR course in your own organisation and would
like to have an experienced CR trainer co-facilitate. Contact CRN.
Join or create a training support group to network with other
trainers.
CRN is very supportive of trainers moving into the field, but cannot find
you the work. That's your task and, indeed, not one to be
underestimated. A lot of your time will go into this.
Send us an email. CRN loves to hear about your successes and the
challenges you face.
28

Books and other materials are listed in the skill area for which they are
most appropriate. Many are also relevant in other skills areas.
Accompanying Text
Helena Cornelius and Shoshana Faire, Everyone Can Win 2nd
edition. (Sydney: Simon & Schuster (Australia) P/L, 2006))
Throughout the manual this appears as Everyone Can Win.
Wherever a substantial CR course is covered, consider supplying all
participants with a copy of the text, for long term recall and passing
on skills to others. Available through CRN's website: www.crnhq.org
Advanced Reading
Cornelius, Helena The Gentle Revolution (Australia: Simon &
Schuster, 1998)
This book explores clashes of values. Although relevant to all value
clashes, it focuses on conflicts arising from differences in masculine
and feminine perspectives. Many commonly found workplace values
conflicts are dealt with. Available through CRN'S website:
www.crnhq.org
General
ABC/CRN The Resolution of Conflict Audio Tapes (Australia:
ABC/CRN, 1989)
CRN Conflict Kit (Australia: CRN, 1992)
CRN Conflict-Resolving Media Broadsheet (Australia: CRN, 1992)
CRN Fighting Fair: A Guide (Australia: CRN, 1989)
CRN CR Essentials Training Video/DVD (Australia: CRN, 1992)
AII CRN resources are available through its website: www.crnhq.org
29
Win/Win Approach
Judson, Stephanie A Manual on Nonviolence and Children (USA: New
Society Publishers, 1984)
Luvmour, Sambhava & Josette Everyone Wins (Gabriola Island, BC,
Canada: New Society Publishers, 1990)
Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, et al. Crucial Conversations (USA:
McGraw-Hill, 2002)
Weinstein, Matt & Goodman, Joel Playfair (California USA: Impact
Publishers, 1980)
Creative Response
Crum, Thomas F The Magic of Conflict (New York: Simon & Schuster,
1987)
De Bono, Edward The Five Day Course in Thinking (Harmondsworth:
Penguin, 1968)
Gawain, Shakti Creative Visualisation (Toronto: Bantam, 1979)
Daniel Goleman Emotional Intelligence (New York: Bantam Books,
1995)
Empathy
Bolton, Robert People Skills (Sydney: Simon & Schuster, 1988)
Egan, Gerard The Skilled Helper (California: Books/cola, 1975)
Festinger, Leon A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance (USA: Tavistock
Publications, 1959)
Mackay, Hugh Why Dont People Listen? (Australia: William Morrow,
1994)
Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen, Difficult Conversations
(UK: Penguin Books, 2000)
Back, Ken and Kate Assertiveness at Work (USA: McGraw-Hill,1982)
Bolton, Robert People Skills (Australia: Simon and Schuster, 1986)
Forgas, Joseph P Interpersonal Communication (Sydney: Pergamon
Press, 1985)
30
Gordon, Thomas Parent Effectiveness Training (NY, Three Rivers

Press, 2000)
Phelps, Stanlee The Assertive Woman (USA: Impact, 1987)
Senge, Peter M, Kleiner, Art, Roberts, Charlotte, et al. The Fifth
Discipline Field Book (USA: Doubleday, 1994)
Willis, Liz & Daisley, Jenny Springboard (UK: Hawthorn, 1990)
Co-operative Power
Dinkmeyr, Don & McKay, Gary Systematic Training for Effective
Parenting (Circle Pines, Minn: American Guidance Service, 1976)
Dreikurs, Rudolph & Solts, Vicki Children: The Challenge (NY:
Hawthorn, 1964)
Fabry, Joseph B The Pursuit of Meaning (San Francisco: Harper &
Row, 1968)
Harris, Thomas A I'm OK, You're OK (New York: Avon, 1973)
James, Muriel and Jongeward, Dorothy Born to Win (USA: AddisonWesley,1996)
Robbins Anthony Unlimited Power (UK: Simon & Schuster, 1988)
Schulz, Will The Truth Option (USA: Ten Speed Press, 1984)
Managing Emotions
Biddulph, Shaaron & Steve The Making of Love (Sydney: Doubleday,
1988)
Rudolf Dreikurs and Vicki Soltz, Children: The Challenge (USA:
Plume, paperback ed. 1991).
Fisher, Roger and Shapiro, Daniel Beyond Reason: Using Emotions
As You Negotiate (London: Random House, 2005)
Gendlin, Eugene Focusing: How to Open up your Deeper Feelings and
Intuition (USA: Rider & Co, 2003).
Jansen, David & Newman, Margaret Really Relating (Sydney: Random
House, 1989)
Welwood, John Journey of the Heart (London: Mandala, 1990)
Henderson, Julie The Lover Within (USA: Barrytown, 1999)
Henderson, Julie How to Feel as Good as You Can in Spite of
Everything (USA: 1995)
31
Campbell, Joseph (ed) The Portable Jung (New York: Penguin, 1971)
Dowrick, Stephanie Forgiveness and Other Acts of Love (Australia:
Viking, 1997)
Dunne, Claire Carl Jung: Wounded Healer of the Soul (New York:
Parabola, 2002)
O'Connor, Peter Understanding Jung (Melbourne: Mandarin, 1985)
Acland, Andrew Floyer Resolving Disputes Without Going To Court
(Great Britain: Century, 1995)
Acland, Andrew Floyer A Sudden Outbreak of Common Sense (UK:
Hutchinson, 1990)
Designing Options
de Bono, Edward Conflicts A Better Way to Resolve Them (London:
Penguin, 1986)
de Bono, Edward Lateral Thinking for Management (UK: Pelican,
1982)
de Bono, Edward Serious Creativity (UK: Harper Collins, 1992)
de Bono, Edward Six Thinking Hats ( USA: First Back Bay, 1999)
Fisher, Roger and Ury, William Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement
Without Giving In (USA: Penguin, 1991),
Negotiation
Fisher, Roger and Brown, Scott Getting Together: Building
Relationships As We Negotiate (Boston: Houghton/Mifflin, 1989).
Fisher, Roger & Ury, William Getting to Yes (London: Business Books,
1981)
Frank, Milo O. How to Get Your Point Across In 30 Seconds or Less
(UK: Corgi Books, 1987)
Kranitz, Martin A Getting Apart Together (USA: Impact Publishing,
1987)
32
Parker, Alan The Negotiators Toolkit A Practical Guide to Success in

the Home, Office, Factory and Boardroom (Peak Performance
Development, Sydney)
Stone, Douglas; Patten, Bruce; Heen, Sheila; and Fisher, Roger
Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most (USA:
Penguin, 1999)
Ury, William Getting Past No (UK: Business Books, 1991)
Mediation
Acland, Andrew Floyer A Sudden Outbreak of Common Sense
(London: Hutchinson, 1990)
Acland, Andrew Floyer Resolving Disputes Without Going To Court
(Great Britain: Century, 1995)
Auvine B et al. A Manual for Group Facilitators (USA: Center for
Conflict Resolution, 1978)
Avery, M et al. Building United Judgement (USA: Center for Conflict
Resolution, 1981)
Bush, Robert A Baruch and Folger, Joseph P The Promise of
Mediation Responding to Conflict Through Empowerment and
Recognition, (San Francisco: Josey-Bass Inc., 1994)
Boulle, Laurance Mediation Principles Process Practise (Australia:
Butterworths, 1996)
Haynes, John M. Mediating Divorce (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass,
1989)
Charlton, Ruth and Dewdney, Micheline The Mediators Handbook
(Australia: The Law Book Co., 1995)
Fighting Fair Poster (Sydney: CRN, 1988. See www.crnhq.org)
Meetings Procedures (Sydney: CRN, 1989. See www.crnhq.org)
Doyle: Michael & Straus, David How to Make Meetings Work (USA:
Jove Books, 1976)
Moore, Christopher W The Mediation Process (USA: Jossey-Bass
Publishers, 1986)
CR Essentials Training DVD/video (Sydney: CRN, 1992)
Winslade, John and Monk, Gerald Narrative Mediation A New
Approach to Conflict Resolution (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. 2000)
33
Curle, Adam Mystics & Militants (UK: Tavistock, 1972)
Curle, Adam Tools for Transformation (UK: Hawthorn, 1990)
Heifetz, Ronald A. Leadership Without Easy Answers
(Massachusetts., Belknap Press,1994)
Schindler, Craig & Lapid, Gary The Great Turning (USA: Bear & Co,
1989)
Goleman, Daniel Emotional Intelligence (New York: Bantam Books,
1995)
Aikido
Crum, Thomas F Aiki Energiser Video (USA: Thomas F Crum)
Crum, Thomas F The Creative Resolution of Conflict (USA: Thomas F
Crum, 1985)
Crum, Thomas F The Magic of Conflict (USA: Touchstone, 1987)
Hyams, Joe Zen in the Martial Arts (USA: Bantam Books, 1979)
Tohei, Koichi Ki in Daily Life (Japan: Ki No Kenkyu Kai, 2001)
Bioenergetics
Lowen, Alexander MD Bioenergetics (New York: Coward, McCann and
Geoghegan, 1975)
Lowen, Alexander MD & Lowen, Leslie The Way to Vibrant Health A
Manual of Bioenergetic Exercises (USA: Harper Colophon Books,
1977).
34
Course Evaluation
1. My major aims or outcomes for doing this course were: ___________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
2. In what ways did the course meet these? _______________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
3. In what ways did the course not meet these? ____________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
4. Things I consider the leader/s did well were: _____________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
5. What things would you have preferred to be done differently regarding the course
and course leader? __________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
6. Other comments and suggestions: ____________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
7. How would you rate the course overall?
(Tick one)
Excellent
Satisfactory
Very good
Unsatisfactory
Good
Name (optional): ____________________________________________________

Thank you.
No fee required to reproduce this page if this notice appears:
The Conflict Resolution Network PO Box 1016 Chatswood NSW 2057 Australia
Ph. 61 2 9419 8500 Fax 61 2 9413 1148 Email: crn@crnhq.org Web: www.crnhq.org
II.1

Objectives:
To help participants feel comfortable with the sessions, with the

trainer, and with each other.
To focus participants' attention.
To stimulate participants level of energy and enthusiasm
Sections:
Activities:
A. Icebreakers: Rationale
II.3
B. Icebreakers: Method
II.3
C. Energisers: Rationale
II.3
D. Energisers: Method
II.4
E. Variations
II.4
A.II.5
Introductions
A.II.7
Name Game
A.II.8
A.II.9
Mindchatter
A.II.10
Knots
A.II.11
Group Story Telling
A.II.12
E.S.P.
A.II.13
Thunderstorm
A.II.15
A.II.16
A.II.17

II.2

I. Icebreakers: Rationale
There needs to be an introduction whenever people gather to work on
something. It helps participants become familiar with each other, with
the trainer, and with their surroundings. It also helps the trainer to
establish a tone for the session.
Participants often need help focusing their attention; they may have
had a busy day, have concerns at home, rushed through traffic to
come to the session etc.
J. Icebreakers: Method
By their nature, icebreakers are useful at the start of each session.
They need to be straightforward and uncomplicated without being
trivial. They need adequate time, but not be allowed to drag or outlive
their usefulness. Overdone, they can reduce the empathy between the
trainer and some participants.
Once a group has already met for a few sessions, the group-building
role may become less important, and icebreakers can be briefer,
especially if the group has already done the particular icebreaker
chosen for this session. (Some groups are happy to adopt one or a
couple of icebreakers as the way they always start sessions.)
Conversely, a group which is having difficulties working together may
benefit from having an extended time on certain icebreakers.
Many icebreakers can actually lead into the theme of the session. For
example, Knots can lead into an introductory session or it can preface
a session on the Win/Win Approach or Co-operative Power.
In short, they are a valuable part of a session, and need to be chosen
and run as appropriate to the group, the tone and content of the
session, and for the style and skills of the particular trainer.
K. Energisers: Rationale
Sometimes, at the beginning or during a session, participants may feel
drained of energy and unable to concentrate. An activity which
invigorates them is called an ''Energiser''. Energisers are usually fairly
briefs and are often zany and fun, rather than intellectual and
''relevant''.
Energisers also help to punctuate lengthy sessions, especially if the
material is more didactic and less interactive. They may provide a
structured break if the session is about to move to new material or take
quite a different direction.

II.3
L. Energisers: Method
In some circumstances, energisers may be needed at the start of
every session, and can be combined with an icebreaker. They can,
however, be scheduled at any point during a session, though not
usually towards the end. Trainers need to be constantly aware of the
mood of the participants, and it is always better to stop for an
unscheduled energiser, or a cup of coffee, rather than forging on
ahead dragging tired and increasingly unreceptive participants behind.
M. Variations
Trainers can add interest and spice even to the most commonly used
icebreakers and energisers by inventing individual ways of running
certain steps in the processes. For example instead of letting
participants find their own way into pairs the trainer could hold metrelong pieces of string. Each participant grabs one end, and then people
have to untangle the string to find out who are their partners.
Alternatively, they may have to find who matches the coloured spots
given to them at random, or they may be asked to pair up with the
person closest to them in height. Icebreakers and energisers lend
themselves to experimentation and creativity. Have fun!

II.4
Icebreakers and Energisers Activities

Trainers Information Only
Context:
At the beginning of a workshop, this activity helps people to clarify

and focus on the outcomes they want from the course or session. It
also helps them to become acquainted with each other.
Time:
15 minutes
Aim:
To clarify and express explicitly the outcomes that participants want

from the course or session.
To help participants become acquainted.
Instructions:
We are going to clarify for ourselves what we want from this course,
and then share it with each other. Think about some outcomes you
would like from the course. Write them down. Try to have at least four
outcomes. (Perhaps ask them to imagine that it is the end of the
course and they have learnt or achieved just what they want. What is
it?)
Now, move about introducing yourself to people you do not know,
sharing these:
your name
your occupation
an outcome from your list, a different one to each person you meet
a long term goal in life.
You may copy someone else's outcome if it appeals to you, or if you

run out of your own. After just a little while with one person, move on to
another.
When participants have each met about four other participants, call the
group together.
VARIATION
Delete the process of introductions to one another and concentrate on
reflecting on the desired outcomes.
Perhaps lead them through a guided reflection, as follows:

Understanding Conflict III.5
Relax for a moment. Sit comfortably, perhaps with your eyes closed. If
anything comes into your mind, accept it and then let it drift away.
Imagine you are just at the end of this course, and you are walking out,
satisfied with what you have received from it.
What is it that you are pleased about?
What is it that the course has given you?
Discussion:
What are some of the outcomes you discussed?

Write up the answers, stopping after a reasonable sampling of the
group.
Does anyone have something you really feel you want to add?


Introductions
Context:
This activity introduces participants within a group.
Time:
10 minutes
Aim:
To introduce participants to each other. (The trainer can be

included.)
Instructions:
We are going to spend some time getting to know each other.

Arrange yourselves into two concentric circles. Each person in one
circle should be facing one person in the other circle.
I will specify a topic, and then you have 2 minutes to discuss it before
you move on to a new partner and a new topic.
After 2 minutes, ask the people in the outside circle (only) to move one
person to the left, and then announce the topic for the next 2 minutes.
As appropriate, include some topics relevant to the group, such as the
following:
a person you would most like to meet
a favourite pastime
one thing you would love not to have to do any more, and what you
would do instead
the most hilarious/exhilarating/ embarrassing time you ever had.
if you could use any mode of transport what you would choose.
how you handle conflict.
how you would prefer to handle conflict.


Name Game
Context:
This activity helps people get to know each other if they are
unfamiliar with each other, and is useful if they will be meeting long
enough together to make learning each others name worthwhile.
Time:
10 minutes
Aim:
To help participants and trainer learn each others first name.
Instructions:
We are going to spend some time learning each other's first name.
Arrange yourselves into a circle. Think of a word that begins with the
same letter or sound as your first name (e.g. Friendly Fay, Careful
Casey, Hectic Helen).
The first person starts by saying the word to match his/her name (e.g.
friendly Fay''). The next person repeats what the first person said, and
then adds his/her own word and name ("Friendly Fay, Careful Casey").
This continues around the circle, so the sixth person may say
something like: "Friendly Fay, Careful Casey, Hectic Helen, Daggy
David, Perfect Pat, Mighty Michael".
VARIATION
The first word could be chosen by an alternative rule. For example, it
could be the name of an animal that starts with the same letter, it could
describe the person, or the person's job, or mood that morning etc.


Context:
This activity introduces participants within a group. It could be useful

to reinforce or introduce active listening.
Time:
15 minutes plus 2 minutes per person to introduce each other.
Aim:
To introduce participants to each other. (The trainer can be

included.)
Instructions:
We are going to spend some time learning each other's name and a
little about each other. Separate into pairs, preferably with someone
you do not know. We could call you Person A and Person B. Person A
will introduce Person B to the group and vice versa.
Person A will have 5 minutes to get to know person B, and then there
will be 5 minutes for person B to get to know person A. I suggest you
focus on some of the following aspects of the person you will be
introducing:
Name
Where the person works, his/her main activity, his/her role in the
organisation
Major interest or pastime
What the person hopes to get out of this course.
Select appropriately from this list, or include themes special to the
group.
Discussion:
Did anyone find it easier to introduce someone else, rather than

yourself? How did you go, trying to remember the details? Did
anything make it easier?
Did open-ended questions encourage people to tell more about
themselves? Were there any examples of misunderstandings, which
were clarified using questions to check?


Mindchatter
Context:
The inner voice chattering in our minds strongly affects our

behaviour in a situation. It can be a powerful tool for centreing, or a
powerful distraction.
Time:
5 minutes
Aim:
To recognise and acknowledge mindchatter.

To practise controlling mindchatter, using it to clear and relax
participants minds at the start of a session.
Materials:
Pens, paper, small rubbish bin.
Instructions:
When we start a new activity, we are often distracted by something on

our mind. It may be something that happened today, something
imminent, something we must remember to do, or other important
personal matters. Our minds tend to chatter about this and distract us.
This activity controls this "mindchatter'' and focuses our attention.
Take about 3 minutes to write down any mindchatter you are
experiencing at present. If it includes anything you must do, write it at
the top of the page. If it is "nuisance" chatter, write it at the bottom of
the page.
When it is complete, tear the top ("must do") from the bottom
("nuisance") Put away the ''must do'' list in your bag safely, and the
"nuisance" section you can screw up and gleefully throw in the bin.
Now you should have a clearer, more relaxed mind to start the
session.


Knots
Context:
Used with an introductory session, this activity reflects conflict being

unravelled, and people working together.
For a session on Win/Win, this activity shows the value of cooperative effort in reaching an outcome in which everyone wins.
For Co-operative Power, it involves people working together and
sharing leadership roles to enhance problem-solving.
Time:
10 minutes
Aim:
To provide a fun, informal and invigorating introduction, especially

for sessions as described in Context.
Instructions:
(If there are more than a dozen participants, it may be valuable to

separate them into groups, preferably between 6 and 12 in size.)
We are going to spend some time loosening up, raising our energy
and working together. Stand in a circle, facing inwards. Everyone close
your eyes, put your hands into the middle and join hands with two
other people. Now, everyone open your eyes to see a tangle of hands.
Without letting go of anyone's hands, let's unravel the "knot".
We will be stepping over or under each other's arms, bending down,
stretching up and twisting around.
The game ends when everyone has unravelled into a circle, holding
hands. Sometimes there is more than one circle at the end.
If the unravelling is taking a very long time, the trainer can unlink one
set of hands and the group unravels into a line instead.
Discussion:
(It may be more appropriate to go directly on to the session for which

this is forming an introduction omitting the discussion.)
How did you do it?
How did you feel at the start, and while it was happening?
Was there co-operation or competition? Did everyone "benefit" from
the outcome?
Who led the process? Did the leader's role shift? What caused those
shifts?


Group Story Telling
Context:
This activity builds cohesion in a group, especially where the group

has met before. It gets everyone to speak, and so may be useful
where some participants are reluctant or overpowered by others. It
encourages listening to each other and spontaneity, and it is lighthearted.
Time:
10 minutes
Aims:
To build cohesion within a group.

To encourage or allow everyone to participate.
To encourage listening.
To establish a relaxed atmosphere.
Instructions:
We are going to spend some time working as a group to create

something. It is a chance for us to relax together, as well as to build an
effective team for the work we have ahead of us. The particular
"something'' we are going to create is a story. This will enable us all to
have a say, make an input and contribute. I do not yet know what the
story is about, or how it ends. Will someone please suggest a theme?
You may need to ask particular person or selection of people for an
idea. You may like to ask specifically for, say, an object, a place, or an
emotion. Or the theme of the story could be chosen in some way
which is relevant to the group.
Who would like to start our story? You will speak for about 20 or 30
seconds, telling the first part of the story. The next person will then
pick it up and tell us what happened then, for the next 20 or 30
seconds. We will keep going around the group until we have all had a
go. The lucky last person will have to make up the ending.
If the group is very large, you may wish to break it into groups of about
six.


E.S.P.
Context:
Sometimes, people locked in conflict expect others to be able to

know what the problem is, or what they need, without actually telling
them. They expect people to be mind-readers. People often have a
cautious interest in whether E.S.P. exists. This can be utilised to
invigorate participants and to increase the coherence of the group,
even if they are fairly new to each other.
Time:
10 minutes
Aims:
To investigate the reliability of E.S.P., especially as it relates to

telling people how a conflict situation is for me.
To invigorate participants and heighten their attention.
To build cohesion within the group.
Instructions:
We often expect people to know what is wrong, or what we need,

before we actually tell them. It is like we are expecting them to "read
our minds". Let's explore how well we communicate using E.S.P. This
will be a chance to try out this puzzling phenomenon, and we can just
have some fun together. Divide into groups of 3. Stand so you are all
looking away from each other.
One of you, decide on a pose or posture, and move into that posture.
Remember not to sneak a peak at what each other is doing! When you
are in your posture, concentrate on communicating it by E.S.P. to the
other two people in your group.
The rest of you have to try to "hear" what the other person is
communicating to you. Try to match their posture.
When I say so (and not before), turn around holding your pose, to see
how close you were. Then, we will do it again to find out whether we
are better at receiving or sending messages.
Run this so each person gets a turn, giving each round a couple of
minutes.
VARIATION
Perhaps specify that the poses or postures must represent an
emotion, an animal etc. appropriate for the group.

Discussion:
Who was able to match someone else's pose?

How much consensus were we able to achieve by trying to read each
other's minds?
What alternatives are more reliable than E.S.P.?


Thunderstorm
Context:
When a group is comfortable with being together, it is often

interesting and fun to do something very novel together, especially if
it uses our senses rather than our intellectual powers. This can be
very absorbing, bringing our attention to where we are now.
Time:
10 minutes
Aims:
To invigorate a group, providing participants with a short, novel

experience.
To focus participants attention.
To increase cohesion within the group.
Instructions:
We are going to do something very unusual, which will help focus our
attention and get us ready for the session. Arrange yourselves around
me in a horseshoe pattern.
A large group may have people two or three deep around the
horseshoe.
We are going to make an orchestrated thunderstorm. I will be the
conductor, and I will communicate to you through eye contact. When I
look at you and your part of the group, you make the sound I am
making at the time. You then keep making that sound until I look at
you again, making a new sound. As well, I will let you know that I want
the sound to be louder by lifting and spreading my arms this way
(demonstrate), or that I want it to be softer by lowering and pulling my
arms in towards me like this. (Demonstrate.) After a while, I'll indicate
to you and your part of the group to stop making the sound as the
thunderstorm ends.
Move your gaze slowly around the horseshoe, demonstrating the
following sounds in the order listed, and encouraging people to join in:
sshhhh, clicking fingers, slapping thighs, stamping feet. Start a new
sound on each 360 degree visual sweep. Make the sounds quietly at
first, for the start of the thunderstorm, and then make them louder for
the thunder. After a short time, gradually let the thunderstorm lessen,
taking them back on each sweep to the quieter sound of slapping
thighs, then clicking fingers, and sshhh. Indicate a stop, and listen to
the silence for a moment.


Context:
When a group is comfortable with being together, it is often

interesting and fun to do something very novel together, especially if
it uses our senses rather than our intellectual powers. This can be
very absorbing, bringing our attention to where we are now.
Time:
10 minutes
Aims:
To invigorate participants and to focus their attention.

To show the value of being attentive and clear when communicating
with others.
Instructions:
We are going to give ourselves some energy for the session ahead,
and at the same time practise being attentive and clear in our
communications with others.
Stand in a circle, facing inwards. We are going to pass around an
imaginary parcel, using four sounds. If we say "zip" and turn our heads
to the left, we are passing it to the left like this.
Demonstrate after each sound is described.
If we want to pass it to the right instead, we say ''zap", and turn our
heads to the right. If we say ''boing", it changes direction and goes
back the way it came, the new person saying either, "zip" if it's going to
the left or, "zap" if it's going to the right. We can throw it across the
circle to anyone we choose using ''pop''. If you are "popping" it to
someone, you have to make clear eye contact so that the person
knows it is his/her turn.
Progress may be slow at first, as participants gradually get used to the
four possible sounds. It may be useful to introduce the sounds one at a
time, rather than all at once at the start.
This activity can be used at the start of or during several sessions, and
can become something of a favourite for some groups.


Context:
This activity works best with a group that has already worked
together. It invigorates participants and shows the importance of
attentive listening and responding appropriately to what is said to
us.
Time:
10 minutes
Aims:
To invigorate participants and to focus their attention.

To practise listening attentively and responding appropriately.
Instructions:
We are going to practise listening accurately to what is said to us and

responding appropriately. It is also a bit of fun, so when we have
finished, we will be full of energy for the session ahead.
Arrange yourselves in a circle, looking inwards. We are going to set up
a rhythm that goes like this: first we clap our hands once on our knees,
then we clap them once together, then we point into the centre using
the index fingers of both hands. (Demonstrate this and practise it.)
Now we will build just one more step onto what we can do already.
When we are all pointing into the centre, I will say a word like ''frog".
We keep up the rhythm, and when we point next time, the person on
my left says a word either rhyming with ''frog", perhaps "log", or it could
be a word that has something to do with ''frog", like "green". We keep
going around the circle, with the next person on the left saying a new
word every time we point. You can accept an idea from someone else
if you get stuck, but try to keep up the rhythm.
Here is an example of how the word string might develop:
Frog
Green
Branch
Bank
Tank
Plank
Floor
House...

VARIATION
First, we clap our hands once on our knees, then we clap them once
together. Then we click the fingers of our right hand, followed by
clicking the fingers of our left hand. (Demonstrate this and practise it.)
Now we will build just one more step into what we can do already.
When I click my right fingers I will say a word like ''frog''. When I click
my left fingers I will say a word that rhymes with frog, like "log" or a
word that is associated with frog, like ''green". Then we repeat the
rhythm, with the person on my left repeating the last word that was
said like ''green'' when he/she clicks his/her right fingers, and adding a
new word when he/she clicks his/her left fingers, and so on around the
circle.
Finish after about three rounds.
Objectives:
To realise that conflict is all around us; and that avoiding it is

impossible and undesirable.
To learn how to identify the clues of conflict.
Session Times: 2 hours

hour
Sections:
Handouts:
Sections AF
Abbreviate Sections AD
A. About Conflict
III.19
B. Introductions and Setting Goals for the Course
III.19
C. Recalling Personal Experience of Conflict
III.20
D. Levels of Conflict
III.21
E. The Tools of Conflict Resolution
III.24
F. Conclusion
III.24
Section D:
H.III.25
Levels of Conflict
H.III.26

Look for Clues to Conflict
N. About Conflict
(10 minutes)
Question:
Who in the room has ever had a conflict?

Raise your own hand, to indicate that's what you want participants to
do.
Who hasn't?
Who would like to have handled at least one of those conflicts in
a different way?
Conflict is all around us. It's not something we can choose to have or
not have. It just is.
It may centre on something as seemingly trivial as who leaves their
dirty teacups in the sink, where to go for Christmas lunch, or whether
to buy a new piece of equipment for work; or it may be more
complicated, such as how much forest will be logged, what national
defence strategies we should adopt or who will get social security
payments.
This course is not about avoiding conflict. Avoiding is not only
impossible but undesirable!
This course is about discovering productive ways of handling conflict
ways that make a difference in all areas of our lives with work
colleagues, friends, spouses, children, salespeople, doctors and
bosses.
O. Introductions and Setting Goals for the Course

(30 minutes)
This may be an appropriate point for trainers to introduce themselves
giving a brief account of their background experience etc. As well,
information can be given about breaks, facilities etc. This could be
followed by participant introductions and by discussion of personal and
group goals for the course. (See Chapter II: Icebreakers and
Energisers.)

P. Recalling Personal Experience of Conflict

(20 minutes)
Question:
Conflict what does that cover? What does it mean to you?

Ask participants to write down their responses and then share them
with the entire group. Draw attention to the different associations to
conflict participants make. Some will describe conflicts as fight,
disagreement, war. Others may identify causes e.g. difference of
opinion or perspective, difference in personality. Others may note the
feeling it engenders e.g. tension, anxiety stress.
Question:
Think of a conflict which has been handled in a destructive way.

What are some of the outcomes in such a case?
Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses and write them on the board. In

addition, you might consider:
tension
unresolved problems
stress
low productivity
sour relationships
time off ''sickies
ill health
anxiety
resentment etc.
Question:
Think of a conflict which has been handled constructively. What

are some of the outcomes in such a case?
Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses and write them on the board. In

relaxation
openness
high productivity
expanding friendly relationships
vitality
good health
empowerment
a sense of achievement.

We've all had experience of conflict being handled constructively and

destructively. The outcomes of conflict handled constructively are so
much more attractive, it's a wonder we ever settle for less!
Q. Levels of Conflict
(40 minutes)
How do we know there's a conflict happening? There may be some
very obvious signs which we can easily recognise, or there may only
be a few subtle clues. It is this range that we're going to explore now.
If emotions are running very high, if the conflict seems extremely
complex, chances are it has reached crisis stage.
Draw a curve on the board and write the word ''crisis''.
CRISIS
Question:
What's "crisis'' like?
Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses. You might add extra examples, such
as:
screaming
throwing china
not talking
divorce
leaving a job.
These clues are obvious there is unresolved conflict.
Often, if we're on the look out we can see conflict brewing well before it
reaches crisis. If we stay alert for conflict in its early stages, it is a lot
easier to manage.

For instance, think of that niggling or ''gut'' feeling that things just aren't
right? We could call that discomfort.
Add ''discomfort" to the curve.
DISCOMFORT
CRISIS
Introduce the idea of ''incident", "misunderstanding" and ''tension'',

adding to the curve as each one is raised. (See the questions below.)
Has something minor happened which has left you upset or irritated?
Has there been an incident which suggests that something is wrong?
Are the details of a situation unclear? Has there been a
misunderstanding about motives or intent?
Are you feeling anxious about your relationship with the other person?
Are you at the point of one more nudge and then you'll explode/resign/
give him/her a piece of your mind? Does each subsequent experience
with the person confirm your negative attitude towards him/her? Are
you feeling a high level of tension in your relationship?
Look for clues to conflict at discomfort or incident level. Dealing with
conflict at these levels rather than at crisis, when emotions run high,
gives a greater chance of a constructive rather than a destructive
outcome. Our response to the discomfort may be to ''stay alert'' and
choose an appropriate time, opportunity or option to tackle the issue.

Add to your chart the words "stay alert":
DISCOMFORT
STAY ALERT
INCIDENT
MISUNDERTANDING
TENSION
CRISIS
Group Activity:
Levels of Conflict: participants complete a handout to identify the

level of a current conflict, and then discuss their responses in pairs.
(See below for details.)
(15 minutes)
Give out the handout: Levels of Conflict Exercise.
Question:
Think of a current or recent conflict. Can you identify what level it

has reached?
Discussion:
Ask participants to write their responses on the handout and complete

the appropriate questions.
Allow 2 minutes.
Question:
Can you trace the development of the conflict, by identifying

clues at earlier levels?
Allow 35 minutes.
Ask participants to talk with a partner about anything significant in that
process.
Allow 2 minutes each way.
Important Points to Cover:

Look for the early clues to conflict. Stay alert, ready to act, if and when
appropriate.
Greet conflict in a positive way, ready to learn something new or
improve the relationship.
Identify the level of conflict as this may help us choose an appropriate
strategy.
Give out the handout: Levels of Conflict.

R. The Tools of Conflict Resolution

(15 minutes)
In this course, we will cover a range of skills for dealing with conflict.
These skills are like tools; we pull one or more out of the kit to suit a
particular conflict. The rest sit in the kit ready to be used in another
context.
Just as a tool can be used in many situations, so too can these skills.
We can use the same skill dealing with our young children, as we
might with a colleague at work.
Give an overview of the skills that will be covered in the course.
S. Conclusion
(10 minutes)
If the session is finishing at this point it may be valuable to conclude
with a positive idea about greeting conflict.
What we are aiming for is an attitude which says:
Write on the board:
AH, CONFLICT!
WHAT AN OPPORTUNITY!
(See Creative Response Section D)


Choose a recent conflict involving you. It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a
huge crisis.
What is it? (e.g.: The problem with Helen and the photocopier") _____________________
Discomfort
Are you mulling over the situation because it is not sitting quite
right with you? _______________________________________
What are your feelings/thoughts about it? __________________
So far, have you said quite little about it? __________________
Incident
Can you point to one or several specific occasions in which you

clashed on this subject? _______________________________
What was said that was upsetting? _______________________
Misunderstanding
Do you believe the other person has misinterpreted your

feelings, motives or responsibilities? How? _________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
Could you be misinterpreting the other person's? How? _______
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
Tension
Do you now hold a negative stance towards this person? _____

Does each new interaction confirm your poor opinion of him/her?
In what ways?
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
Crisis
Has a major explosion occurred? ________________________

Were extreme measures threatened? What? _______________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
Were extreme measures executed? What? ________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
Was the outcome constructive or destructive? In what ways? __
___________________________________________________

The Win/Win Approach 1.25
Levels of Conflict
Perhaps nothing is said yet.

Things don't feel right. It may be
difficult to identify what the problem
is. Do you feel uncomfortable about
a situation, but not quite sure why?
Discomforts
Here a short, sharp exchange

occurs without any lasting internal
reaction. Has something occurred
between you and someone else
that has left you upset, irritated or
with a result you didn't want?
Incidents
Here motives and facts are often

confused or misperceived. Do
your thoughts keep returning
frequently to the problem?
Here relationships are weighed

down by negative attitudes and
fixed opinions. Has the way you
feel about and regard the other
person significantly changed for
the worse? Is the relationship a
source of constant worry and
concern?
Behaviour is affected, normal

functioning becomes difficult, extreme
gestures are contemplated or
executed. Are you dealing with a major
event like a possible rupture in a
relationship, leaving a job, violence?
Misunderstandings
Tension
Crisis


Objectives:
To consider types of behaviour we use to resolve conflict.
To understand the principles and the value of a win/win approach.
Session Times: 2 hours:

1 hour:
Sections:
Activities:
Handouts:
Sections AE
Sections Abbreviated AD
1.28
B. How We Behave in Conflict
1.28
C. A Model for Understanding Behaviour in Conflict
1.29
D. The Principles of a Win/Win Approach
1.33
E. When Win/Win Seems Impossible
1.37
1.38
A.1.1
A.1.3
Section C:
H.1.1
H.1.2
H.1.1
H.1.2
Section E:


Wanting What's Fair for Everyone
T. Stimulus Activity
(10 minutes)
Choose one of the two activities below to highlight ways we frequently
approach conflict.
The Handshake Exercise: participants aim to win as many points as
they can by placing two hands on one person's hip. (See The Win/Win
Approach Activities.)
(5 minutes)
The Arm Wrestling Exercise: participants make three wishes, one of
which they are to regard as granted, each time the arms are down.
(See The Win/Win Approach Activities.)
(5 minutes)
U. How We Behave in Conflict

(10 minutes)
Question:
When faced with a conflict, what are some of the specific ways
we behave?
Discussion:
Encourage participants to give examples.
Question:
Are some of these behaviours more effective in dealing with

conflict than others? In what ways?
Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses. In addition, you might consider:

some deal with the problem/others avoid it
some enhance relationships/others harm relationships
some solve the conflict/others increase it.
Question:
Why do we behave in certain ways in conflict?
Discussion:

habit
learnt patterns
variations with mood, seeing, relationship, significance of the
conflict
belief system for me to win, someone else must lose.

There are many behaviours that are appropriate for dealing with
conflict. However, when we react from habit, it may mean we don't
make full use of this range of behaviours, nor do we always behave in
the most appropriate way.
Throughout the course, we're going to explore behaviours and tools
that are very helpful in dealing with conflict, and consider ways to
make choices about appropriate behaviours so that we can respond to
conflict, rather than just react in a knee-jerk manner.
V. A Model for Understanding Behaviour in Conflict

(40 minutes)
Question:
Who is familiar with the concept of ''Fight'' and ''Flight''

behaviours?
Question:
What are some examples of ''Fight'' behaviours?
Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses. You may give some examples:
screaming
physical violence
refusing to listen
manipulation
sulking.
Question:
What do you think are the main messages and intentions of

''Fight'' behaviours?
Discussion:

''I'm right/you're wrong''
to blame and punish
to threaten
"I'm OK/You're not".
From participants' responses, write on the board:

FIGHT
I Win/
You lose

Often, these are labelled as aggressive behaviours.

Add the word:
FIGHT
I Win/
You lose
Aggressive
Question:
What are some examples of ''Flight'' behaviours?
Discussion:

sulking
crying
avoiding
pretending it hasn't happened
giving in.
Question:

''Flight'' behaviours?
Discussion:

''I'm wrong/You're right''
To avoid conflict
To maintain peace
To let the other person win
''I'm not OK/You are''.
FLIGHT
I lose/
You win
Often these are labelled as passive behaviours. The ''You'' person may
win or sometimes lose, but the "I'' person always loses.
Add the word:
FLIGHT
I lose/
You win
Passive

Let's now consider a different set of behaviours, neither "Fight"

nor "Flight''. Let's call them "Flow'' behaviours.
Question:
What might be some examples of "Flow" behaviours?
Discussion:

discussing the issue
listening to others
taking time-out
explaining own perspective and needs
compromising.*
* If participants raise ''compromising'' or any other behaviour which
doesn't seem to be fully a ''flow'' behaviour, comment that this is a
behaviour which you'd like to consider more closely later after they've
completed the handout: ''Behaviours in Conflict".
Question:

''Flow'' behaviours?
Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses. In addition, you might explore:

There must be a way to solve this''
to sort out the problem
to respect others
to make sure everyone is satisfied with the solution
"I'm OK/you're OK".
FLOW
I win/
You win
Often these are labelled as "assertive'' behaviours.

Add the word:
FLOW
I win/
You win
Assertive

Group Activity:
Behaviours in Conflict: working in small groups participants identify

behaviours which fit into ''fight'', "flight" and "flow" categories (see
below for details.)
(15 minutes)
Give out the handout: ''Behaviours in Conflict. Divide into small
groups of three or four participants.
In your small groups, consider three or four behaviours which fit into
each of these categories, and then complete the columns across the
page. You may include behaviours we've already identified or consider
others which have personal significance for you.
Allow 10 minutes and move amongst the groups to assist them when
necessary.
Draw participants together into the large group.
Question:
Did any behaviours appear in more than one category? In what

ways are they different in each category?
Discussion:
From the responses, comment:

A particular behaviour might appear in more than one category. To
decide whether that behaviour is aggressive, passive or assertive, we
need to understand the context, the relationship of the participants, the
culture, what's gone before, and what comes after.
For example, withdrawal:
We could withdraw with the intention of punishing the other person
or to ignore his/her needs and concerns. In this case, it is probably
a ''fight" behaviour.
We could withdraw to avoid the conflict and just keep the peace. If
we did that, and felt unhappy or taken advantage of, it is probably a
''flight'' behaviour.
We could withdraw because we want time to consider an
appropriate action. We may later return to deal directly with the
issue, or we may decide to attend instead to the broader issues, to
the more fundamental needs, and to the relationship. In this case,
it's probably a "flow'' behaviour.
Question:
Did you notice any patterns for each of the categories on how
people are treated in the conflict and how the issue is dealt with
(i.e. the two columns on the right hand side of the handout)?

Discussion:
From participants' responses, suggest that:

During "fight" behaviour the intention which may be unconscious, is to
come down hard on the issue, with little concern for the person.
To the chart you developed earlier,
Add the words:
FIGHT
I win/
You lose
Aggressive
Hard on the people/

Hard on the issue
In ''flight" behaviour the intention, which may be unconscious, is to

protect ourselves rather than deal with the problem. By not
confronting, the immediate result is relatively soft on the person.
Add the words:
FLIGHT
I lose/
You win
Passive
Soft/hard on the people

Hard on the issue
During "flow'' behaviour, the intention is to solve the issue whilst

respecting everyone in the conflict.
Add the words:
FLOW
I win/
You win
Assertive
Soft on the people

Hard on the issue
Although, "flow'' behaviours seem to have the best outcomes, we often

resort to ''fight" and ''flight" behaviours. And, indeed, they are unlikely
to be dismissed completely from our repertoire. However, all the
conflict resolution skills covered in this course can be used as part of a
''flow'' or win/win approach.
Give out the handouts: "Fight, Flight, Flow: Some Behaviours".
W. The Principles of a Win/Win Approach

(30 minutes)
Let's explore what a win/win approach is about, by listening to a story.
There are two sisters in a kitchen and only one orange. Both of them
want the orange. What could they do?
When someone says compromise or ''cut it in half", continue the story.
That's what they did. One sister went to the juicer and started to
squeeze herself a drink which turned out too small to satisfy.
She then threw out the rind. The other sister, with some difficulty,
began to grate the rind of her half of the orange to flavour a cake. She
then threw out the juicy pulp.
They both had only half an orange when, in effect, they could have
had the whole orange.
Question:
What could they have done in order for both of them to have the
whole orange?
Discussion:

talked
listened
found out what each other wanted/needed.
The key to a win/win approach is to explore needs before settling
on a solution.
Write on the board:
Win/Win Approach
Needs First
Solutions Later
In the orange story, the sisters compromised.
Question:
Compromise is sometimes considered the same as a Win/Win

approach. What is compromise about? Why do we so frequently
compromise? What are its advantages?
Discussion:

It may seem the simplest, easiest and fairest thing to do.
It means that when we can't make a bigger pie, at least, everyone
is sharing in what is available.
It results in both parties having some of their needs met.
Question:
What are some of the disadvantages of compromise?
Discussion:

It often requires one party to give more and then they will be less
committed to the solution.
It may mean that the potential of all options hasn't been explored.
It may breed resentment within the relationship.
It has been described as an acceptable form of lose/lose. (Both
people lose an equal amount.)

Although compromise has disadvantages, it is sometimes a valuable

approach. However, if we settle too quickly for compromise, we can
sell ourselves short. It may be that we decide on a poorer quality
solution than we would have if we had adopted a win/win approach.
Extension:
(Optional) Present the graph overleaf (p1.10) to expand on this. Draw

it piece by piece, explaining it as you go. (See the explanation below
the graph for details.)
Question:
What do you think are the basic principles of a win/win approach?
Discussion:

considering not only what I want but also what the other person
wants
raising the degree of concern for my own and others' needs
being concerned with what's fair
respecting relationships
requiring us to believe that for me to win it is not necessary for
someone else to lose
moving towards a solution that includes as many needs as possible
consulting with others to explore needs and to consider all possible
options. This increases the likelihood of reaching a solution which
addresses more of everyone's needs and to which everyone will be
more committed. Giving and taking, when we know we have been
heard and considered, feels very different to compromising
immediately.
Question:
Why use a win/win approach? What are the benefits?
Discussion:

increases productivity
encourages creativity in people
results in good quality solutions
elicits commitment from people
focuses people's energy and attention on solving problems rather
than fighting with each other.

Fight
Win/Lose
Flow
Win/Win
all
OWN
NEEDS
Compromise
none
Flight
Lose/Lose
all
OTHERS
NEEDS
Flight
Lose/Win
The vertical axis represents how much of our own needs are being met.
The horizontal axis represents how much of others' needs are being met.
If we're entirely concerned with our own needs and ignore or avoid others' needs then we've adopted an I
Win/You Lose" approach. (Make a mark at the top of the vertical axis and write the words: Fight: "Win/Lose".)
If we give in to other people and ignore our own needs, then we're adopting an I lose/You win'' approach.
(Make a mark at the end of the horizontal axis and write the words: Flight: Lose/Win.) Sometimes Flight also
results in both parties losing. (Make a mark at the junction of the vertical and horizontal axes and write the
words Flight: Lose/Lose.)
Compromise is like a half-way point between the two. lt takes account of some needs of both parties. Each
party gets something of a win, and also a significant loss. (Make the "compromise" in the centre and join with
dotted lines to the medical and horizontal axes see graph. In another colour draw over the pads of the
vertical and horizontal axes which go as far as these dotted lines. See Figure A. here.)
Figure A.
Figure B.
Win/win takes account of many more needs. It's much more expansive. (Make the Win/Win on the top right
hand comer of the page, and join with dotted lines to the vertical and horizontal axes see graph. In a different
colour draw over the whole of the vertical and horizontal axes, right out to these new dotted lines. See Figure
B. above.)
A win/win approach starts by looking for solutions that meet all needs (point to the market Win/Win) and
moves backwards, gradually and only as far as necessary, towards compromise, to come up with a solution
that meets as many needs as possible. (Draw attention to how much more of the axes are now covered by the
win/win. Draw in the diagonal arrow to show the gradual movement 'backwards''.) lt's far more likely to be a
good quality solution than that chosen from a quick compromise.
A Win/Win Outcome:
would occur somewhere along, or near, the diagonal arrow, preferably close to the top.
will not always happen. Sometimes, an outcome will be chosen which meets few needs or favours one person
more than another, particularly if some participants are unwilling to negotiate.
A win/win approach is always an option.

X. When Win/Win Seems Impossible

(30 minutes)
It can be valuable, although not essential, to leave time (e.g. a day or a
week) between doing section D and Section E. This gives participants
a chance to absorb the material from Section D. As well it is possible
to ask them to think about situations for which win/win seems
impossible, to be discussed at the next session.
Question:
Think of a conflict for which a win/win approach doesn't seem to

be possible. What is it?
List participants' responses on the board. (Have a few sample
situations that you can add to the list.) e.g.
two applicants for one job
a student who has worked hard but has not done sufficiently well to
be awarded a pass
two family functions on at the same time: one in the city, one in the
country.
Group Activity:
When Win/Win Seems Impossible: participants work in pairs or small

groups of three, to consider two difficult conflicts. (See below for
details)
(20 minutes)
Question:
Does win/win still seem impossible? What do you think can be

done with these difficult situations?
Discussion:
Encourage participants to share strategies they've considered so far.

Give out the handout: ''Key Features of The Win/Win Approach.
Highlight points that may be particularly appropriate for participants'
difficult situations.
Ask participants to consider again the situations they've identified on
the handout.
Are some of these points (i.e. those on the handout: ''Key Features
of The Win/Win Approach") relevant for developing a win/win in your
situation?
Allow 10 minutes.
Discussion:
Ask participants to share any points which they found particularly

helpful.

Y. Concluding Comments
Different types of behaviour are appropriate in different situations.
Mostly, we will be very practised in using two or three behaviours, and
may feel less comfortable with the others. The more flexible we can
become, the more choices we have about how we relate to others, and
the more opportunities we have to resolve conflict.
For the win/win approach to become our first choice, we need to
develop new skills. We need to learn to step back from solutions, to
considerate need or concern driving each person to particular
outcomes.
A win/win approach is not the same as a win/win outcome. It is the
approach that's the key. Ask yourself:
How has the solution been generated?
Have all needs been considered, all options been explored and the
solution been chosen which meets more major needs than any
other?
Have the relevant parties participated in the process?

The Win/Win Approach Activities

Context:
A win/win approach, based on co-operative effort, will maximize

benefits for everyone. A win/ lose approach, based on competition
is far more likely to result in dramatic differences in benefits. (See
Chapter 1. The Win/Win Approach, Section A.)
Time:
10 minutes
Aim:
To show how frequently the concept of winning is tied to the idea of

someone else losing and how this influences our approach to a
task.
Instructions:
Give no background concepts before playing the game.

We're going to do an exercise to get us started.
Ask each participant to choose a partner roughly the same size as him
or herself. Then ask for a volunteer to demonstrate with the trainer.
The trainer and the volunteer stand facing each other and take a
handshake hold.
The aim of this exercise is to win as many points as you can.
You score a point every time you get the other person's hand to your
hip.
The trainer and a volunteer demonstrate what "getting the other
person's hand to your hip'' means but do not engage in a struggle in
front of the group. The exercise is set up in as neutral a way as
possible, so that people will project onto the instructions their natural
inclination.

The Win/Win Approach A.1.1
Be sure to keep count of your points.

Ready? Begin.
(If participants ask questions, simply repeat the instructions and
encourage them to keep count of their points.)
Allow between 30 seconds and 1 minute.
Discussion:
What we're going to do is to explore the differences in the number of

points people achieved, and how they did it.
Who scored more than 50? Less than 10? How did you do it?
How did you interpret ''you'' in the instructions as an individual, a
pair, a group?
Did the idea of "winning'' imply ''losing'' as well? For someone to win,
did another have to lose?
Who discussed it with their partner? What was discussed? Who
changed strategy during the exercise? Why?
When we're in conflict with someone else, do we frequently approach it
thinking that one person will win and the other will lose? (e.g. I told
him; I put her in her place; I showed him who was boss; I didn't let her
get the better of me; I got my way; I always lose out in these sorts of
problems.)
In conflict, are there times when we use the same approach as we did
in the exercise? Are there other occasions when we use a different
approach?

ln an exercise such as this, it is possible to interpret ''win'' in a variety
of ways, and to behave accordingly.
Problems arise when we transfer a concept of ''winning over'' to
situations where ''winning with'' would be more beneficial. ''Winning
over'' is about one person winning while the other loses. ''Winning
with'' is about co-operating so that both people obtain what they want
or need.
As well, we frequently behave in certain ways out of habit, rather than
from choice. This means that we lose flexibility in our approach to
conflict.

The Win/Win Approach Activities

Context:
A win/ win approach, based on co-operative effort will maximise

benefits for everyone. A win/ lose approach, based on competition
is far more likely to result in dramatic differences in actual benefits.
(See Chapter 1. The Win/ Win Approach, Section A.)
Time:
10 minutes
Aim:
To show how frequently the concept of winning is tied to the idea of

someone else losing and how this influences the style with which
we approach conflict.
Instructions:
Give no background concepts before playing the game.

We're going to do an exercise to get us started.
Have the group choose partners, and sit opposite each other with
about an inch between the knees, or across a small table, if available.
Ask participants to think of three things that they really want e.g. a job
promotion, an overseas holiday, a new car. They don't have to share
this information with their partners.
The object of the exercise is to have all your wishes granted.
When Partner A gets Partner B's hand down to the level of B's knee
(or table, if used) Partner A has one wish granted and vice versa.
The trainer demonstrates how to do this by assuming an arm wrestle
position. The exercise is set up in as neutral a way as possible, so that
people will project onto the instructions their natural inclination.
Therefore, do not describe verbally the arm wrestle position or label it
as such, or enter into a mock struggle while demonstrating.

Ask participants to take hold of their partners' hands, as demonstrated.

Ready? ...Begin.
(If participants ask questions, simply repeat the instruction, and
encourage them to start.)
Allow 30 seconds1 minute.
Discussion:
Who had all their wishes granted?

How many of you, upon hearing the instructions ''have all your wishes
granted'' thought there had to be a winner and a loser, that it was a
competition?
Who discussed it with their partner? What was discussed?
Who changed strategy during the exercise? Why?
When we're in a conflict with someone else, do we frequently
approach it thinking one person will win and the other will lose? (e.g. I
told him; I put her in her place; I showed him who was boss; I didn't let
her get the better of me; I got my way; I always lose out in these sorts
of problems.)
In conflict, are there times when we use the same approach as we did
in the exercise? Are there other occasions when we use a different
approach?

In an exercise such as this it is possible to interpret ''win'' in a variety of
ways, and to behave accordingly.
Problems arise when we transfer a concept of ''winning over'' to
situations where ''winning with'' would be more beneficial. As well, we
frequently behave in certain ways from habit rather than from choice.
This means that we lose flexibility in our approach to conflict.

Specific examples of
behaviour
Strengths
Weaknesses
(long and short term)
(long and short term)
How it affects the

people involved
How it affects the

problem
FIGHT:I win/You lose

1.
2.
3.
Flight: I lose/You win
1.
2.
3.
Flow: I win/ You win
1.
2.
3.

The Win/Win Approach H.1.1

FIGHT: Aggressive
I win/ You lose
FLIGHT: Passive
I lose/ You win
I lose/ You lose
FLOW: Assertive
I win/ You win
Control, demand.
Submit to another's power.
Share power or work towards it.
Punish, reward.
Resign to the situation.
Unfold the opportunity.
Bulldoze to punish,
to refuse to deal with other's needs
and concerns.
Withdraw to avoid,
to refuse to deal with
own needs and concerns.
Withdraw to consider needs and

concerns of self and others.
Return to address the issue as
appropriate.
Explode, dumping responsibility on

the other person and denying
ownership of any part of the problem.
Suppress at least to the other

person, the distress felt.
Contain discomfort carefully, if you

choose now to deal with it at a more
appropriate time.
Manipulate while appearing to

compromise.
Surrender own needs in

hasty compromise.
Seek agreement which is fair to all

involved.

The Win/Win Approach H.1.2

Sometimes a win/win outcome seems impossible. However, applying a
win/win approach explores the possibilities in the situation. It may result
in unexpected outcomes.
Situation 1
Situation 2
Identify two
situations where
win/win seems
impossible.
Why does win/win
seem impossible?
What are the
obstacles?
Moving towards a
win/win, consider:
How can the
obstacles be
removed?
Can a win be
redefined?
What can rebalance
a loss?
What's the long
term perspective?
?
?
What unexpected
win/win outcome
may conceivably
occur?

Creative Response 2.1

GO BACK TO NEEDS.
Concentrate on approach not outcome
Win/Win solutions are not always possible.
Maintain an attitude of respect for all parties.
Be willing to fix the problem.
Focus on the issue

Hard on the issue, easy on the person
What are the needs
What are the concerns
Take a broader perspective

What are the long-term and short-term consequences of win/lose?
What are the advantages of win/win?
Identify many options and develop the ones that give everyone more of
what they need.
Re-define what constitutes a win.
What can be done to balance a loss?
Make it easy to say yes

Offer options that are of high value to them and easy for you to give.
Listen to and acknowledge their needs and concerns.
Support what is legitimate and fair

Be persistent
Resist greed and injustice.

Avoid infringing your own and others' rights.
Take a long term view.

Maintain dialogue or its possibility.
Fly win/win flags.
STRENGTHEN YOUR OWN APPROACH RATHER THAN WEAKENING THEIRS.

Creative Response
Objectives:
To understand how powerfully the messages we give ourselves affect

the outcomes when faced with conflict.
To explore ways of transforming our thought patterns.
Sections AE
1 hour:
Sections BD
hour:
Abbreviate Sections BD
Essential
Background:
Sections:
2.4
B. Exploring Our Responses to Conflict:

React or Respond
2.4
C. Two Models for Approaching Conflict:

Perfection and Discovery
2.6
D. Looking for the Positive in Conflict
2.8
E. An Action Program for Developing More

Creative Responses to Conflict
2.9
Activities:
The Block Puzzle
A.2.1
Handouts:
Section C:
H.2.4

Creative Response
Ah, Conflict! What an Opportunity!
Z. Stimulus Activity
(20 minutes)
The Block Puzzle: working with six blocks, participants are given a
small construction problem to explore the importance of mindchatter in
affecting our ability to solve problems. (See Creative Response
Activities, pg A 2.1.)
AA. Exploring Our Responses to Conflict: React or Respond

(20 minutes)
Reflection:
Think of an argument or a run-in that you had with someone recently.

Feel it remember it
Now let yourself know it will recur. Tomorrow, youre going to have that
same argument again.
Question:
What are you feeling? What are you thinking?
Discussion:
Draw out participants responses. In addition, you might consider:

Dread
Anxiety
Fear
Worry
Exhilaration
Excitement.
Discussion:

Nausea
Butterflies
Tightening of muscles around neck, jaw, shoulders.

Question:
What thoughts are running through your mind?
Discussion:

I wish it would go away
Its too difficult
Why is it happening again?

These messages that we give ourselves are known as mindchatter or
self-talk.
Mindchatter, what we tell ourselves, affects how we respond to
situations. This conversation with ourselves is continuous. When we're
under stress the chatter increases. Because it affects the way we act
and how we see the world, changing our mindchatter will change our
view of the world and our reactions.
Question:
How do you think our mind chatter affects our ability to deal
effectively with the conflict?
Discussion:

It may make it hard to be open-minded.
It may cloud our judgement.
It may make us defensive.
(Refer to the effect of self-talk on participants' ability to do the Block
Puzzle.)
Question:
Why do we so often give ourselves such negative messages?
Discussion:

We've learnt these responses from early childhood.
We don't know how to behave in response to the behaviour that the
other person is using in conflict.
We don't know how to manage our own responses.
Its hard to see beyond the immediate discomfort, to some
constructive outcome.
Because we give ourselves these negative messages, we often find
ourselves with a knee jerk reaction to conflict. We are not acting by
choice, but out of habit.

Write on the board:
REACT
We may withdraw, sulk, scream, punish them, get cranky. Learning

new patterns of greeting conflict may give us the choice to behave In a
different, more appropriate way.
Write on the board.
OR
RESPOND.
By responding we can explore the possibilities of the situation. For

example, what can be done to make this different, to make it work for
all of us?
BB. Two Models for Approaching Conflict: Perfection and

Discovery
(20 minutes)
(For expanded discussion, see Thomas F Crum The Magic of
Conflict (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1987) p11120.)
Question:
What are some of the causes of conflict?
Discussion:

power battles
defining territories
difference of opinion or ideas
clash of values.
Question:
What is it about ''difference'' that causes conflict? Why don't we

just accept differences, instead of tying ourselves up in knots?
Discussion:

We like to be right.
We feel threatened by difference.
We think our way is best.

When we're caught up with what's right, with how things should or
shouldn't be chances are we're measuring the situation against a
yardstick of PERFECTION.
(Some groups may feel more comfortable with the word
"perfectionism". Encourage participants to use their own words to
identify the models. (The concept, not the names in the model, is the
important point)
Say:
Write on the board:
When we are driven by

whether things are
right or wrong
it can lead to
judgements
and an
unwillingness to risk.
What if it doesn't work out?

We may be left with a feeling of
anxiety.
When we're working on this basis

we look for
winners and losers
and end up with
FRUSTRATION.
Another way of measuring a situation is against a yardstick of

DISCOVERY.
Say:
Write on the board:
Approach the situation

with an attitude of
inquiry and creativity.
That's interesting, why

did that happen?
This leads to
acceptance
and a
willingness to risk
and to try again.

"I wonder what else I can do now?",
''How can I make it better?"
We have a feeling of
excitement.
Using this yardstick there are

no winners and losers, only
learners
and
FASCINATION.

Using a discovery approach we can still aim for excellence.

Discovery doesn't mean settling for second best, or grinning and
bearing it. It means acknowledging how we feel about a situation and
looking for what we can learn, for the new doors that are opening and
for the ways that we can make it different in the future. Excellence
becomes the path itself rather than the destination. Allowing mistakes
and being willing to risk is more likely to achieve excellence than a
model of perfection which is limited by a definition of what's right.
Give out the handout: "Perfection and Discovery Approaches.''
Reflection:
Ask participants to think again of the conflicts they recalled earlier in

the session. What could be discovered in these? What could be
learnt?
CC. Looking for the Positive in Conflict

(20 minutes)
We've already talked about mindchatter. The negative messages we
give ourselves can inhibit our ability to do things. With the block
puzzle, the statement ''I'm no good at these things," made it almost
impossible to succeed. That type of negative message sets us up for
failure and frustration.
Look for the positive side of the situation, for the opportunity. The
language we use is very powerful in directing our thoughts and
ultimately the outcome in a situation.
Reframe our negative "I can't do this'' to "I need to work out a plan'' or
"I need to learn these skills.
Think of a new way of seeing a situation. A two year old child can be
seen as going through the ''terrible twos'' or going through the
''champagne year''. The new colleague at work can be ''making lots of
mistakes'' or ''willing to have a go.
Group Activity:
Creating positive statements about conflict: participants construct

statements to focus their attention on the opportunity in the conflict.
(5 minutes)
Ask participants to reflect again on the conflicts they identified earlier.
(See Part B.)
Write down a positive message you can give yourself about that
particular conflict.
AlIow 23 minutes.
Now try to invent a positive statement which you could use to
approach conflict in general.
e.g.
''Celebrate successes, learn from failures.

''l'm here to solve problems.

"Heres a challenge!"
Write the group's creative responses on the board and, if possible,

prepare them as a handout for the next session.
Conflict is a chance to move on, to have things change, to enter richer
relationships.
The positive messages we've just composed are a powerful antidote to
the negativity that we sometimes feel towards conflict. Another
powerful message is:
Write on the board:
AH, CONFLICT!
WHAT AN OPPORTUNITY!
Greet conflict with an attitude of discovery.
DD. An Action Program for Developing More Creative Responses

to Conflict
(20 minutes)
Creative response is about turning problems into challenges. The four
steps are:
Write on the board:
Choose to respond
Accept what is
Ask "What can I learn here?"
Look for the opportunity
Some helpful strategies to achieve this can be:
Set a specific time each week to initiate action, letters, phone calls
and conversations. Don't wait for others to take the first step. If it's a
''tough one'' the other person will probably avoid it.
Focus all our attention and energy on the achievement of the
objectives we have set.

Use encouraging, affirmative language in our mindchatter and when

we talk to others about difficulties. For example, I've decided to'' in
place of "I have to. Acknowledge the problem, be positive about
the outcome.
Learn how to relax mentally and physically using meditation and
other mind relaxing techniques.
Group Activity:
A More Creative Response to a Conflict: participants, working in

pairs, consider a current unresolved conflict to develop a plan for a
more creative response. (See below for details.)
(10 minutes)
Ask the group to divide into pairs.
Think of a current unresolved conflict in your life. Partner A, describe
this conflict to Partner B. Then, through discussion, try to explore each
of the four steps listed on the board.
Allow 5 minutes.
Now, Partner B, describe a conflict to Partner A and, again through
discussion, explore the four steps for developing a more creative
response to conflict.
Discussion:
Encourage questions and comments from participants.
Final Comments: Looking for the opportunity in conflict helps us to shift from fixed
positions, and to consider a broader range of options. This means that
the solution upon which we settle is more likely to reflect more of the
needs and concerns of those involved, and address the major issues
at stake more effectively
.

Creative Response Activities

The Block Puzzle
Context:
The negative messages we give ourselves often inhibit our ability to

deal with conflict. As well, locking into the idea of the right solution can
blind us to other options. (See Chapter 2: Creative Response: Section
A.)
Time:
20 minutes
Aim:
To experience the effect of mindchatter and concern for the right

solution on ones problem solving ability.
Requirements:
A set of six blocks for each participant. Each set can be different, but
within sets, the blocks must be the same shape and size
e.g.
Instructions:
childrens building blocks

Cuisenaire rods
video boxes
matchboxes
paperback books.
We're going to do a puzzle to look at what might enhance or inhibit our

problem-solving ability.
You have 3 minutes to solve this puzzle.
Arrange the six blocks so that each touches exactly three others, no
more and no less.
Touching means that the whole or part of a flat surface of the blocks
must meet.
Contact through an edge or corner does not count.
e.g. These do not count!
(Draw examples on board or demonstrate with the blocks.)
You can sit on the floor, or use your chair, or your folder as a stable
working surface.
Creative Response A2.1
Your time starts now.

At the end of 3 minutes, tell participants that their time is up.
Ask if anyone finished the puzzle. "Are you sure each of the blocks is
touching three others?''...
Acknowledge those who finished, and those who didn't.
Show them a few sample solutions.
Three Sample Solutions:
These lie flat on

the floor
These rest on top

of the other
blocks.

Discussion:
How did you feel when I asked you to do this exercise? What sort of
thoughts ran through your mind? (After participants have responded,
you might add: I'm no good at this; I can never do these things; Good, I
really like these; I know I can do it; I've seen it done before etc.)
These messages that we give ourselves are known as mindchatter or
self-talk.
Do you think your mindchatter affected your ability to do the puzzle?
For those of you who had negative mindchatter, do you think you
would have approached the puzzle differently, if your mindchatter had
been more positive?
What are some of the positive things you could have said to yourself?
(After participants have responded, you might add: I haven't played
with blocks for years this'll be fun; Here's a challenge; I wonder if I'll
be better at this sort of thing now than I was years ago?)
Who was concerned with getting it right? Did you assume there was
only one right solution? Did looking for that right solution inhibit your
efforts?
How did you go about solving the puzzle? What did you notice about
the process you used? (This may be difficult to work out if you were
looking for the right solution instead of noticing the process.
Paradoxically, noticing the process may have propelled us to a
solution.)
Was it:
Random?
Trial and error?
Logical think through before starting?
Dividing up and tackling one part after another?
Modifying some previous experience of similar puzzle?
Did anyone feel blocked in their efforts because of being locked into
one pattern? (After participants have responded, you might add: only
thinking of two dimensional rather than three dimensional solutions.)

Mindchatter affects our ability to solve problems, as does our preoccupation with the right solution can inhibit our thinking. We may not
realise that there are other ways of approaching a solution, nor that
there may be more than one solution. The lateral thinking required to
solve problems such as these is often the skill that is needed to solve
a thorny conflict: a highly creative approach.
(Note: This exercise is taken from Edward de Bono The Five Day
Course in Thinking (Harmondsworth: Penguin, 1968.))


When how we perceive ourselves and others...
is judged against
is open to
PERFECTION,
DISCOVERY,
we are driven by
we are motivated by
right/wrong
inquiry/creativity
judgements
acceptance
failures
learning
unwillingness to risk
willingness to risk
anxiety
excitement
FRUSTRATION
FASCINATION
Does a discovery approach close off the search for excellence? Not at
all! We start by acknowledging how we feel about a situation and then
look for what we can learn, for better ways of doing things, for new
doors that are opening in the future. Being willing to risk is more likely to
achieve excellence than a model of perfection which is limited by a
definition of what's right and how people ought to be.
Adapted from Thomas Crum The Magic of Conflict (NY: Simon & Schuster, 1987)

Empathy 3.4
Empathy
Objectives:
To understand the concept of empathy.

To explore communication patterns which block and which foster
empathy.
To develop and practise the skill of active listening.
Session Times: 2 x 3 hours:

3 hours:
Sections AE
Sections FK
Section AE
or
Sections A and CI
or
Sections FK
1 hours:
Sections A, B, D, E and F
1 hour:
Section A, D and F
Essential
Background:
Sections:
A. Exploring the Meaning of Empathy
3.7
B. Valuing Differences the DISC Exercise
3.8
C. Introduction to Empathy Blockers
3.8
D. Detailed Look at Empathy Blockers
3.9
E. Concluding Discussion: Empathy Blockers
3.10
F. Introduction to Active Listening
3.11
G. Listening to Gain Information
3.13
H. Asking Questions
3.13
I. Listening to Give Affirmation
3.15
J. Listening When under Verbal Attack

to Deal with Another's Inflammation
3.18
K. Reflection on Listening
3.20

Empathy 3.5
Activities:
Handouts:
The DISC Exercise
A.3.1
A.3.9
A.3.10
Experiencing the Difference Between

Empathy Blockers and Active Listening
A.3.12
Static
A.3.14
A.3.15
Shopping List
A.3.17
A.3.19
A.3.20
Section B:
H.3.1
DISC Model
H.3.2
H.3.1
Section D:
Empathy Blockers
H.3.2
Section E:
Create Empathy
H.3.3
Section I:
H.3.4
H.3.5
Active Listening for Different Purposes
H.3.6
Listen
H.3.7
Section K:

Empathy 3.6
Empathy
Understanding and Valuing Individual Differences
EE. Exploring the Meaning of Empathy
(20 minutes)
Question:
What does the word "empathy'' mean?
Discussion:
Encourage a few minutes' discussion to arrive at a common

understanding of the term. Ask how it is different from sympathy.
Empathy is ''feeling into", seeing how it is through another's eyes.
''Empathy is walking with another person into the deeper chambers of
his self while still maintaining some separateness. It involves
experiencing the feelings of another without losing one's own identity.
It involves accurate response to another's needs without being infected
by them...[The empathic person]...senses the other person's
bewilderment, anger, fear or love as if it were his own feeling, but he
does not lose the 'as if' nature of his involvement." Robert Bolton
People Skills (Sydney: Simon & Schuster, 1987) p271.
Question:
Think of someone with whom you often feel empathy. What helps
you to feel empathy? What are some of the ingredients?
Discussion:
Ask participants to write down their answers. Share in pairs and then
in the large group. In addition, you might consider:
trust
attentiveness
appropriate responses
shared experiences
respect
support
Question:
Think of someone with whom it's difficult to feel empathy. What

does that feel like? What are the ingredients?
Discussion:
Ask participants to write down their answers. Share in pairs and then
in the large group, using additional questions to explore further.
What makes it difficult?
What are the things that block you off from that other person?

Empathy 3.7
Discussion:

inattentiveness
talking about him/herself
lack of interest
low respect etc.
It may be that we sometimes have difficulty developing empathy
because we don't know how to respond to a person's behaviour. We
may not know how to be when we're with that person. The emphasis
here is on our response it's not blaming or finding fault or inadequacy
with the other person.
Question:
What are the key elements of empathy as a skill?
Discussion:

Separate our responses from those of the person with whom we
are empathising. Retain objectivity and distance.
Be alert to cues about feelings offered to us by the other person.
Communicate to people our feeling for them and our understanding
of their situations.
FF.
Valuing Differences the DISC Exercise

(1 hours)
The DISC Exercise: this provides participants with a framework for
recognising and valuing different behavioural styles. Understanding
others' approaches to completing work, to problem-solving, to
managing priorities, to dealing with feelings and so on, can help build
empathy, relieve tension and minimise conflict. (See Empathy
Activities, p A.3.1 for details.)
GG. Introduction to Empathy Blockers

(1525 minutes)
Below are two approaches. Normally use only one of these unless you
are running an extended session on Empathy, or if the group is having
difficulties grappling with it.
Approach 1
Question:
Think of a time when you wanted to tell someone something and

the response from the person helped the communication
significantly. What was the person doing?

Empathy 3.8
Discussion:

really listening
asking questions
using ''mms'' and ''ahs'' to encourage
maintaining good eye contact
displaying attentive and welcoming body language.
Question:
Now think of a time when you wanted to tell someone something

and what that person did in response made you shut down your
communication with them. What wasn't working?
Discussion:

not really listening
not showing interest
being inattentive
having poor eye contact
changing the topic
giving advice.
Approach 2
Group Activity:
Blocking Communication: participants working in small groups of

three explore the ways we sometimes block communication. (See
Empathy Activities, p A.3.9.)
(15 minutes)
HH. Detailed Look at Empathy Blockers

(3040 minutes)
We've been considering behaviours and comments that inhibit
communication. We've come up with a variety of non-verbal
behaviours body language, eye contact, physical barriers, and we've
also touched on some of the verbal inhibitors like (refer to examples
that came up in Section C, if any)...giving advice...reassuring and so
on. We call these empathy blockers, and we'll now give these some
more attention.
Question:
Think of a phrase or phrases that might really irritate you, or at

least cause you to shut down. What are they?
Discussion:
Share these in the group. Then give out the handout: ''Empathy
Blockers''.

Empathy 3.9
Ask participants to read through the handout and identify empathy

blockers they use or that someone else uses.
Group Activity:
Choose one of the three approaches below, using the Empathy

Blockers handout.
Pair Share: ask the group to form pairs and share their responses to
particular empathy blockers e.g. Which ones block them most? What
responses do they arouse?
(10 minutes)
Experiencing Empathy Blockers: small groups deliberately block
empathy with a person who is relating an issue of concern. (See
(20 minutes)
Experiencing the Difference between Empathy Blockers and
Active Listening: working in pairs, two rounds enable participants to
experience the difference between empathy blockers and active
listening. (See Empathy Activities, p A.3.12.)
(20 minutes)
II. Concluding Discussion: Empathy Blockers

(20 minutes)
Question:
What are the consequences of using empathy blockers, on

communication, on the people involved, on problem-solving?
Discussion:

results in defensiveness, resistance and resentment
blocks feelings
diminishes self-esteem
decreases the ability to solve problems
creates emotional barriers between people.
Question:
Given that empathy blockers tend to have negative effects, why

do we use them?
Discussion:
You might stimulate the group's thinking by further questioning.

Are there times when we're more likely to use empathy blockers?
What are they? (After participants have responded, you might add:
when under stress, or feeling angry, frustrated, out of control, and out
of habit.)
Why don't we use more effective communication methods, like active
listening and assertiveness? (After participants have responded, you
might add: high emotion, conditioned responses modelled on those
closest to us during childhood (like parents and teachers), deliberate
desire to hurt or manipulate.)

Empathy 3.10

With awareness of our use of empathy blockers we can choose to try
more effective methods of communicating.
When we use an empathy blocker or shut down our communication
when an empathy blocker is used on us, we are probably relying on a
habitual and automatic way of behaving we learnt in childhood. We
react. But, when we pause a moment and choose a response that
opens rather than closes communication, then we can respond.
Write on the board:
REACT
OR
RESPOND
By choosing to respond, we're taking control of our behaviour and
opening the door to richer relationships.
Once we're responding rather than reacting, there can be times when
offering reassurance or giving advice can be helpful. Those times
come after you've listened and others know they've been heard, and
after you've shown them respect and recognised how they're feeling.
Reassurance and advice may then be given in a cautious, constructive
and supportive manner that empowers them to do what they need to in
order to move on.
Give out the handout: "Create Empathy.
JJ.
Introduction to Active Listening

(30 minutes)
Optional Activity: Depending on time and the needs of the group, use one of the
following stimulus activities:
Static: participants pass a message from one person to the next. The
last person will often repeat a message quite different from the original
because of selective listening differences in interpretation etc. (See
(15 minutes)
Back-to-Back Drawing: participants try to reproduce a drawing with
only verbal instructions. This can be difficult because we all have
different perceptions of what words mean. As well, we readily make
assumptions to fill in the gaps in what we hear. (This activity can also
be used in Section G: Listening to Gain Information or Section I:
Listening to Give Affirmation.) (See Empathy Activities, p A.3.15.
(20 minutes)

Empathy 3.11
In considering the topic of empathy we've looked, so far, at the

importance of recognising and valuing different behavioural styles
DISC. We've also looked at the ways that impede or block empathy.
We now want to focus on a skill that helps to create and foster
empathy the skill of listening.
Question:
Who's familiar with the concept of active listening?
Discussion:
Raise your hand to indicate that's what you want participants to do.
Question:
Who believes they could improve their skills in active listening?

Raise hands as above.
Reflection:
Think about yourself as a listener. Now think of five people with

whom you interact on a daily basis. On a scale of 110, with 1 for
poor listening skills rate how each of those people would
perceive your listening skills.
Discussion:
Allow 2 minutes and then encourage discussion by asking questions:
Question:
Would you expect different people to rate you differently? What

factors affect your ability and/or willingness to listen effectively?
Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses. In addition you might consider:

relationship with speaker
lack of time
pre-occupation with other matters
difficulty dealing with emotions theirs and yours
strong disagreement
environment
physical discomfort.
Which scores do you consider worth improving?
Question:
How do we know when someone is really listening to us? What is

it like?
Discussion:

eye contact
verbal responses
asking relevant questions
posture
gestures, nods

Empathy 3.12
future actions
feelings of being valued, heard, cared for.
These can be explored in more depth in sections GJ.
Pair Share:
Ask the group to spend 5 minutes with a partner sharing their

responses to the following two questions:
What things about listening do you think you manage well?
What would you like to improve about your listening skills?
KK. Listening to Gain Information

(30 minutes)
We listen for a variety of reasons. One of the main reasons is to gain
information. Sometimes conflict can develop because vital information
is missing or miscommunicated.
Studies have shown that immediately after people have listened to
someone talk, they remember only about half of what they've heard.
Then, within eight hours, they tend to forget one half to one third more
of what they have heard. (Studies conducted at the University of
Minnesota in 1957 by R Nichols and L Stevens quoted in Robert
Bolton People Skills (Sydney: Simon & Schuster, 1987), p30.
Group Activity:
Choose either one of the following two activities:

Shopping List: working in pairs, Partner A asks Partner B to buy five
items. If Partner B asks clarifying questions, Partner A is more likely to
receive precisely what he/she wants. (See Empathy Activities, p A.3.
17.)
(15 minutes)
Back-to-Back Drawing: participants try to reproduce a drawing with
be used in Section F: Introduction to Active Listening or in Section I:
Listening to Give Affirmation.) (See Empathy Activities, p A.3.15.)
(20 minutes)
LL.
Asking Questions
(10 minutes)
Too often we rely on others to give us all the information we need; or
we have too much faith that we are using words in the same way. We
may, in fact, be attaching different meanings or very different pictures
to words.

Empathy 3.13
Sometimes conflicts arise because of differing perceptions of what

words mean. For example:
lf you were asked to clean up a particular area, does that mean
make it tidy, put things in neat piles, or put things away? Does it
include dusting and vacuuming? Does it mean moving the
furniture, or just cleaning the exposed surfaces and so on?
All parties in a communication have a role in making things clear.
Asking questions helps us to become specific.
A useful shorthand for gathering information is to think in terms of:
Write on the board:
HOW?
WHY?
WHAT?
WHERE?
WHEN?
Which of these are relevant and need to be answered? How can they
be asked so as to elicit information and not cause defensiveness?
The way in which a question is constructed determines its usefulness.
Closed questions elicit specific information and are valuable when this
is what is required. Open questions encourage broader exploration of
the issue and associated feelings.
For example, a closed question such as:
''Would you like things to be different?"
elicits a yes/no answer.
An open question, such as
''How would you like things to be different?"
is more likely to encourage others to talk. It demonstrates our interest
in their ideas, and gives us much more of a window into their thinking,
which is the foundation of empathy.
Use of the word ''why'' can inflate conflict, and so needs to be used
with caution.

Empathy 3.14
A question out of context, and blunt, such as ''Why were you late this
morning?'' can cause the other person to become defensive and close
down. Can this enquiry be phrased differently and preceded by a
statement of our need for punctuality? Or could it focus instead on
what can be done to avoid being late in the future? Or...? There are
many alternatives which can be built on acknowledging that the other
person has a perspective that needs to be explored.
Group Activity:
Practice on Constructing Open Questions: participants consider

examples of closed questions and try to think of open alternatives.
(5 minutes)
I'm going to give you a series of closed questions. I want us then to try
and construct some open alternatives.
Give one example at a time, and ask participants for alternatives.
e.g.:
Do you want to resolve this?

Have you got something to say about this situation?
Do you like the design of the new poster?
Was the conference interesting?
Have you had a good day?
End this activity with a group discussion about difficulties, insights, and
comments.
MM. Listening to Give Affirmation

(1 hour)
Stimulus Activity: Back-to-Back Drawing: participants try to reproduce a drawing with

be used in Section F: Introduction to Active Listening or in Section G:
Listening to Gain Information.) (See Empathy Activities, p A.3.15, for
details.)
(20 minutes)
So far, we've discussed active listening for the purpose of gaining
information.
Write on the board:
ACTIVE LISTENING:
to gain information

Empathy 3.15
Now we're going to change focus to think about listening to affirm

another person.
Write on the board under to gain information:
to give affirmation
Question:
What do we mean by giving affirmation to another person?
Discussion:

acknowledging another
making another feel valued
showing empathy.
In a conflict situation often the most important need for another person
is to sort out ideas using us as a sounding board. As well, we may be
needing to hear the details of that person's feelings and thoughts, to
really understand a different perspective so that we can show
empathy.
Question:
What skills show that we are listening to another person with

empathy?
Discussion:

Non-verbal skills
environment
body posture
eye contact
encouraging gestures
Following skills:
minimal encouragers, such as ''mm'' and ''ah''

occasional questions
attentive silences
Reflecting skills:
reflect back feelings and content

paraphrase
summarise
use a tone of voice that shows warmth and
interest.

Empathy 3.16
Reflecting back feelings and content, using our own words, is the
crucial skill in listening to affirm.
Question:
Why is reflecting back so crucial?
Discussion:

to make sure we hear exactly what is intended
to show empathy
to help the other person hear him or herself.
Question:
How do we reflect back?
Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses. In addition you might explore:

not parroting the person's words
para-phrasing and summarising.
Give some examples to explain this more fully.
Asking too many questions can distract the speaker, and lead in a
direction that may be of more interest to the listener. It can be
appropriate to ask questions, provided they are very closely linked to
what the speaker is saying and supportive to the crucial skill of
reflecting back.
Group Activity:
If time permits, and it is appropriate to the group, do both activities

listed below. If not, omit the first one, and do only the role play.
Identifying Feelings and Responding: participants consider a list of
statements to identify the underlying feeling being expressed and to
work out an appropriate active listening response. (See Empathy
Activities, p A.3.19.)
(10 minutes)
Active Listening to Give Affirmation: Working in pairs, participants
have the opportunity to practise their listening skills and to be listened
to. (See Empathy Activities, p A.3.20.)
(40
minutes)

Good listening empowers speakers. It helps people verbalise what
may not have been clear to them before. People can usually find their
own answers. They are more likely to put their own plans into action
rather than someone else's well intentioned advice.
When people feel listened to, they will talk more freely about
themselves. Even well-intentioned advising or diagnosing may block
this communication.
Active listening may entice people to reveal more of themselves than
they are really comfortable doing. They may later be highly
embarrassed and distance themselves from the listener. lt is important

Empathy 3.17
to respect people's comfort zones in personal communication. This

applies particularly to work contexts where people often prefer to be
private about personal issues.
There is a time to active listen, and there is a time to graciously add in
our own perspectives. Look for cues from the other person to know
when this is appropriate.
Really listening is far more than waiting for our turn to speak. We put
so much attention on the other person that our own mental
commentary is ''turned off'' at that time.
Give out the handouts: "Active Listening Some Helpful Hints''
pH3.7 and "Active Listening for Different Purposes'' pH3.8
NN. Listening When under Verbal Attack to Deal with Another's

Inflammation
(40 minutes)
Note: It is often useful to teach this section of Active Listening in the
broader context of Managing Emotions. By then, participants will have
had the opportunity to practise listening for information and to give
affirmation before facing the challenge of dealing with high emotion.
For those wishing to include it in this section, notes are set out below.
Question:
When someone is verbally attacking us, what are our usual

responses?
Discussion:

becoming defensive
becoming aggressive
arguing in a heated way
retreating into ourselves
becoming upset, fearful.
Question:
How effective are these responses in dealing with the other

person's anger, and in resolving the conflict?
Discussion:

often doesn't lead to a solution; or at best only leads to a short term
solution
may have long term detrimental effects on the relationship
results in feeling drained or upset or downtrodden
increases the likelihood of this pattern repeating itself.

Empathy 3.18
When there is a conflict, it's common to blame the other person or

become extremely defensive. It is difficult to be objective when the
emotional level is high. Active listening is an effective tool to reduce
the emotion involved in a situation.
Write on the board:
ACTIVE LISTENING:
to gain information
to give affirmation
to respond to inflammation.
When we accurately identify and acknowledge an emotion, the

intensity of it dissipates like a bubble bursting or a grease spot
dissolving. The speaker feels heard and understood. Once the
emotional level has been reduced, reasoning abilities can function
more effectively.
Write on the board:
High Emotions?
Active Listen to
deal with emotions
FIRST.
Carefully using active listening can turn the situation of conflict around
to one of co-operating so as to develop new options.
Group Activity:
Handling Another Person's Inflammation: in this role play,

participants practise their active listening skills. (See Managing
Emotions Activities, Handling Another Person's Inflammation, p A 6.6.)
(20 minutes)

This active listening technique is very valuable when we are receiving
non-verbal gestures of anger (e.g. turning away, rolling the eyes...''Are
you fed up with the situation? What's annoying you?)
There is great value in allowing angry people to be really heard
whether or not we feel their attacks are justified.
First bring down the emotional heat and avoid making statements of
attack or defence that would cause a crisis to escalate.

Empathy 3.19
When we fully understand the problem we can respond more

effectively. This may include pointing out errors of fact or
interpretation. This sounds quite different to defence or counter-attack.
The aim is to improve communication in the relationship, both people
hearing and being heard. When tempers are calmer, then real
communication can begin.
Staying calm during a personal attack takes skill. This is a skill which
can be learnt and needs persistent practise.
The point of change in a conflict situation is the point of
communication. At this stage, the discussion can turn to: What do you
need, not need? What do I need, not need? Can we fulfil these needs?
It's about being
Write on the board:
Hard on the problem

Soft on the person
and turning the conflict into

Write on the board:
Partners not opponents
OO. Reflection on Listening

(2 minutes)
Read the poem on the handout: ''Listen''.

Empathy 3.20
Empathy Activities
The DISC Exercise
Context:
The skill of empathy enriches interpersonal communication. When we

can see how it is from the other side, we can often resolve the issue to
everyones satisfaction more easily, and learn to value our differences.
(See Chapter 3, Empathy Section B)
Time:
1 hours
Aims:
To learn that others have perspectives different to our own

To value these differences
To become aware that different approaches suit different behavioural
styles.
Handouts:
Behavioural Style Questionnaire (if using Method 1 below) and

DISC Model
Requirements:
Sufficient clear space for participants to move around.
Instructions:
In this activity, you will be asked to move to one of four areas in the
room. Each area represents a particular behavioural style. It is not
about labelling or being categorised, but about tendencies. We all
have aspects of each style but tend to lean towards one particular
style especially when under stress. As well, we move In and out of
each style depending on the situation. We may have a favourite style
in our working environment and quite a different one at home. No
behavioural style is better or worse than any other; each has its own
strengths. Moving into one area is not a final decision. At any point
during the exercise participants may change areas.
The purposes of the activity are:
to consider the different types of behaviour we choose in different
settings
to identify the behavioural styles we frequently use
to understand behavioural styles that are different from our own.
Split the group into four areas using one of the two methods below.

Empathy A.3.1
Method 1
Give out the handout: Behavioural Style Questionnaire".
For this exercise you need to think about your behaviour in a specific
setting. You behave differently in different settings. Think of how you
behave at work, (or at home, in this organisation etc.). In particular,
think how you behave during periods of pressure.
Quickly go through each of the four styles, marking those words or
statements which describe the way you behave at work (or in the
chosen setting.) Only tick those that you immediately or most clearly
recognise. Don't ponder or change your responses too much. The
spontaneous answer usually gives the best indication of where you
place yourself today.
Now add up the number of marks in each section.
We are now going to move to different areas of the room.
Divide the room mentally for yourself as per the handout: DISC
Model''
Trainer at front of room
C
and direct people to the appropriate area.

Those with most marks in the section that starts ''Gives priority to
achieving results, move to the front of the room, on my left. (Trainer
points) Those with most marks in the section that starts ''Gives priority
to creating a friendly environment', move to the back of the room, on
my left. Those with most marks in the section that starts ''Gives priority
to supporting others'' move to the back of the room, on my right. Those
with most marks in the section that starts ''Gives priority to detail and
organisation", move to the front of the room, on my right.
Some participants may have two sections with the same ''highest"
score. Do they feel they relate to one overall list better? Or do they feel
they're more extroverted or introverted task or people oriented? If they
can't decide, ask them to go to one of their highest scoring areas and,
as the exercise proceeds, they may become clearer and can move if
they choose.

Empathy A.3.2
Method 2
For this exercise you need to think about your behaviour in a specific
setting, as you behave differently in different settings. Think of how
you behave at work (orat home, in this organisation etc.)
Ask the group:
Would you describe yourself as:
more reserved and reflective
MOVE TO YOUR LEFT

(Trainer's right)
Or
more outgoing and extroverted
MOVE TO YOUR RIGHT

(Trainer's left)
Then to the entire group:

Staying on your side of the room, move either to the front or the back,
according to the descriptions I give you now. Listen to the entire
description and feel where you most comfortably fit. Don't latch onto
one word or phrase by which to include or exclude yourself. You're
looking for the best general description of you.
To the more outgoing group:

Would you describe yourself as someone who tends to:
seek challenges
tell it how it is
get the job done fast and efficiently
focus on achieving results
take initiative?
MOVE TO THE FRONT OF THE ROOM

Empathy A.3.3
Or as someone who tends to:
generate enthusiasm in others

like working with others
make sure theres time to talk
focus on an overall vision
skim over the detail?
MOVE TO THE BACK OF THE ROOM
To the more reserved group:

Would you describe yourself as someone who tends to:
pay attention to detail
approach tasks systematically and thoroughly
set very high standards
think critically and analytically
organise tasks, files, drawers, cupboards etc very well?
MOVE TO THE FRONT OF THE ROOM
Or as someone who tends to:
work well as part of a team

make yourself available for others
maintain current arrangements
take time to listen and consult
smooth problems over to maintain good relationships?
MOVE TO THE BACK OF THE ROOM

Empathy A.3.4
Small Group Discussion:

When the group has split into four areas, ask participants to consider
the following questions in discussion with others in their area:
Think how you would approach another person who is causing you a
difficulty. (e.g. your colleague hasn't delivered the report he/she
promised.) Think of what you would say, the time, the place, the
setting etc.
Now, think of yourself as a person causing difficulty for someone else
(e.g. you haven't delivered a report that you had promised. Your
colleague needs the report to proceed with his/her work.) How would
you like to be approached?
Discussion:
Ask participants in each area to share their responses with the large
group. Note the words they use (perhaps on a board.) You could ask
those in one area (e.g. D) how they would feel being approached in
the manner another group (e.g. S) has described, and so on.

Ask each behavioural style to consider the following questions:
What do you really like about your particular style? What do you think
its strengths are?
What do you feel uncomfortable about in your style? What do you think
its limitations are?
What do you value about the other styles in the room? What do you
find difficult about them?
Discussion:
Ask each area to share their responses with the large group.
Comment that one person's need can hook into another person's fear,
and this can increase conflict e.g. this group's (i.e. D) abrupt
delegation of an ''out there in front'' job can terrify this group (i.e. S)
who fear standing out.
Can you think of examples of these hooks operating in your
interactions with people?
IDENTIFYING THE BEHAVIOURAL FRAMEWORK (DISC)
By now, participants have had the opportunity to see a framework
emerging. The trainer can name each of the behavioural styles
DIRECT, INFLUENCING, STABILISING, CONSCIENTIOUS if this
hasn't already been done.
Give out the handout: ''DISC Model'' and link the descriptions with
previous discussion.

Empathy A.3.5
When we're in conflict, we are often caught into thinking that we're
right and others are wrong. In fact, it's often that others have a different
way of approaching a difficulty, or that they need to concentrate on a
different aspect of the problem before they move onto the part that we
think is most significant.
Expanding our understanding of these differences, and valuing them,
can help us to deal with conflict and to build a strong, co-operative
approach to getting a job done.
When conflict is at the incident or misunderstanding level, we often
hover in the centre of the behavioural styles, and adapt our behaviours
readily and easily.
However, when we're under stress, such as conflict at tension or crisis
level, we will often rely on a more narrow set of behaviours.
Elaborate on the styles by telling the following humorous stories.
There is a major change in the office. It's 9.00 oclock, Monday
morning. How is each group handling it?
Direct: They have been there for an hour already, working out how to
achieve the changes with the utmost efficiency and speed.
Influencing: They aren't in the office yet. They are downstairs in the
coffee shop, talking with a colleague about something that will be very
helpful in the change. They regard themselves as ''at work'' already.
Stabilising: They hope it's not going to be as disruptive as the last
change. And they are not at all sure that everyone's needs have been
considered and accommodated in the plans.
Conscientious: In the change, a new piece of equipment had to be
purchased. They've spent a busy three weeks investigating and listing
the positives and negatives of every feature of every brand on the
market. They're sure they've made the right decision. Thank goodness
the change has not thrown the filing system into disorder.
How does your group learn to swim?
Direct: They dive in the deep end. Lots of splashing, lots of action.
The deeper the pool, the better. They take risks and show little fear.
Influencing: They have arranged to go with friends and have met
them for breakfast beforehand. Learning with friends is sure to be
more fun.
Stabilising: They tend to start on the edge of the pool with goggles
and flippers. They prefer to be towards the back of the line to make
sure others don't miss out on their turn.
Conscientious: They spend weeks in the library researching anatomy
and physiology of swimming to really know what they will be learning.
In selecting a swimming teacher, they have researched their
credentials, their years of experience, and their membership of
relevant swimming associations to ensure the best possible tuition.

Empathy A.3.6
Group Activity:
Differences in Behavioural Style: Participants complete a handout to

identify people with whom they often find themselves in conflict. What
behavioural style do they find them using?
Give out the handout: Differences in Behavioural Style.
Allow 10 minutes.
Pair Discussion: Encourage participants to share their responses with a partner.

It's important to value differences. Different approaches lead to
creative problem-solving. Understanding differences rather than
judging them, encourages empathy, builds rapport, and helps build
better relationships. ''You can complain the rose bushes have thorns
or rejoice that thorn bushes have roses. lt makes sense to look for the
''roses'' in people.
Whilst we lean towards one particular style; we have aspects of all of
them.
Recognise and use the strengths and limitations of each behavioural
style rather than making judgements about right or wrong. Build upon
strengths and move beyond or around limitations and biases.
Capitalising on strengths builds self-esteem and confidence. This
enables people to acknowledge limitations, without being hindered by
them.
In teamwork, at certain times it may be more effective to utilise the
strengths and expertise of other team members than to take the time
and effort that is necessary for us to develop these skills. When
delegating tasks, be aware of people's behavioural styles.
Ignorance of differences in behavioural styles can contribute to
conflict. The more we understand and value the differences the easier
it is to minimise difficulties.
Using a framework, such as DISC, can help to highlight individual
needs and concerns. In a climate of co-operation, others are more
likely to be supportive of our suggestions if they know that their needs
and concerns have been considered.
Concluding Questions:
Think of a situation other than the one you originally considered e.g.
home, member of a club or association. Would you use a different
behavioural style in that setting?
Think back a few years. Would you have tended to use the same
behavioural style, perhaps more or less strongly; or would you have
used a different style more often?

Empathy A.3.7
If there's been a shift, or if you would be using a different style

dependent on the situation, why is that? (After participants have
responded, you might add: new skills, conscious attempts to modify
behaviour already, expectations of others, demands of particular
roles.)
Final Comments: Stress that these are behaviours. To some extent we can choose to
continue these behaviours, particularly where they serve ours and
others' purposes. Or we can add other behaviours to our repertoire so
we can be more flexible.

Empathy A.3.8
Empathy Activities
Context:
We often use statements either consciously or unconsciously, to block

communication with others. (See Chapter 3. Empathy: Section C.)
Time:
10 minutes
Aim:
To become aware of the statements we make to block communication

with others.
Instructions:
We're going to do a role play to find out what we say and do when we
are excluding someone from a conversation.
Ask participants to move into groups of three and choose who will be
Persons A, B and C.
Persons A and B, you are sitting together having an important
conversation (e.g. topic relevant to group office politics, introduction
of new procedure, what to do on Saturday night.)
Person C enters and persistently wants to join in the discussion.
Persons A and B don't want this. You do what you can to exclude
Person C. Your aim is to have Person C leave.
Allow about 5 minutes and then bring them into the larger group.
Discussion:
Ask participants to describe what happened.

Were Persons A and B successful in excluding Person C? How did
you do it?
Persons C: Was there anything which you found particularly
excluding?
How did it feel for each party?
Where was your focus: on the person or the problem?
What else could you have done to have your needs met?

Empathy A.3.9
Empathy Activities
Context:
Empathy blockers arouse different responses in different people. (See

Chapter 2 Empathy: section D.)
Time:
20 minutes
Aim:
To experience the effect of empathy blockers.
Handout:
Empathy Blockers
Requirements:
Sets of empathy blocker cards if using Variation 2.
Instructions:
Distribute the handout: Empathy Blockers. Ensure that

participants understand the content.
In this activity, we will work in small groups to experience the impact of
empathy blockers on conversation, and to become aware of the
particular blockers we use and those which cause us to close down.
Divide into small groups of approximately five. Then give additional
instructions according to one of the two variations below.
VARIATION 1
One person relates a problem (not too deep) and the other participants
respond, in turn, using an empathy blocker of their choice.
Rotate roles so that each participant has a tum at receiving the group's
empathy blockers
VARIATION 2
The names of the empathy blockers are written on separate cards.
One complete set per group is issued, and turned upside down.
Participants other than the problem-relater draw a card each and
respond with the empathy blocker named. ln debriefing, participants
can guess what empathy blocker each person was using. If time
permits, rotate roles. A topic can be given to the problem-relater.

Empathy A.3.10
Discussion:
How did it feel to receive the empathy blockers?

How did it feel to use an empathy blocker?
Were some more familiar than others?
Were some more difficult to deliver than others?
Were some more difficult to receive than others?
What was your reaction?

Empathy A.3.11
Empathy Activities
Experiencing the Difference Between Empathy Blockers and
Active Listening
Context:
Communication can be killed by empathy blocking statements and

encouraged by active listening. (See Chapter 3. Empathy: Section D.)
Time:
20 minutes
Aim:
To experience the difference between the effect of an empathy

blocker; and the effect of active listening.
Instructions:
In this activity, we will work in pairs. Each person will have a turn at
relating a concern or difficulty. The other person will respond first using
empathy blockers and later using active listening.
Have group form pairs and choose Person A and Person B.
Round 1
Person A, you tell Person B something slightly upsetting or emotional
which happened recently.
Person B, you respond with reassurance, attempting to make it better
for Person A. For example: ''Oh don't worry about it," or Let's have a
cup of tea, then you'll feel better.
Allow 2 minutes. Repeat the exercise using the same problem.
This time Person B, you practice empathy and active listening, really
''hearing'' the speaker, using active listening skills.
Allow 3 minutes.
Round 2
Reverse roles.
This time the listener uses the empathy blocker of topping, giving
examples of stellar situations, basically cutting off the speaker e.g.
''Yes, that happened to me too" or "I had a friend who
Allow 2 minutes. Then, repeat the problem using active listening.
Allow 3 minutes.

Empathy A.3.12
Pair Discussion: Ask pairs to discuss what they noticed. Allow 34 minutes.
Discussion:
What came out of that exercise for you?

How were your feelings different when you were responded to with
empathy blockers and then with active listening?
How did it feel for the listener using empathy blockers and then active
listening?

Empathy A.3.13
Empathy Activities
Static
Context:
Meaning in communication is frequently lost or distorted if listeners

dont ask questions and check what theyve heard. (See Chapter 3
Empathy: Section F.)
Time:
15 minutes
Aims:
To experience the inadequacy and frustration of listening passively

To explore the way in which our own perceptions and projections
distort what we hear and how we re-tell it.
Instructions:
In this activity, we're going to pass a message along a line. We'll

whisper, so only one person at a time hears the message. And at the
end we'll see if any distortion has occurred. This is like the ''static'' or
hiss in a bad telephone connection.
The group sits in a line or a circle, with some distance between each
person. (lf the group is large, consider dividing it into two.)
The trainer reads a message (see below) to the first person, who
whispers it to the next person and so on along the line.
The last person repeats it aloud to the group. The trainer then reads
out the original message.
Two sample messages:
1) They don't want you to give them the house. They just need to
use it because they are going into business and need all their
capital. They feel you owe it to them. You could have a real
problem if you fight this.
2) Early one morning, a computer salesperson was driving a
blue Porsche from Cabramatta to Penrith when the engine
stalled. Getting out of the car, going into a chocolate shop,
and explaining the difficulty, a sales assistant helped out by
pointing to a yellow phone.
Discussion:
How much of the original message was lost or changed in the telling of
it?
What could be done to keep the message more intact?
What affects the understanding of a message? (After participants have
responded you might add: emotions involved, prejudice, words used,
context, number of elements, underlying intent of both speaker and
listener, attention of the listener.)

Empathy A.3.14
Empathy Activities
Context:
We each have our own perception of things. In conflict it is our differing

perceptions which often inflame the situation. Language is frequently
an imperfect tool for conveying what we mean. (See Chapter 3
Empathy: Sections F, G and I.)
Time:
20 minutes
Aims:
To explore some problems inherent in communication

To emphasise the difficulties of communicating complete and accurate
messages.
Requirements:
Blank paper, coloured pens.
Instructions:
In this activity, working in pairs, we'll try to reproduce the drawing our
partner does to explore some important features of communication.
Divide the group into pairs with Partners A and B sitting back-to-back.
Then give them additional instructions according to one of the three
variations below.
VARIATION 1
Round 1
Partner A describes to Partner B what A has drawn. Partner A aims to
give Partner B sufficient information for Partner B to accurately
reproduce the drawing. B remains silent.
Allow 3 minutes. Then reverse roles.
Round 2
Partner A describes the drawing as before. This time partner B asks
questions and reflects back to partner A.

Empathy A.3.15
VARIATION 2
Two rounds as above, only allowing description of the parts of the
drawing e.g. not ''it's a house", but "it's a square with a triangle on top".
Allow 3 minutes for each step in Round 1, and 5 minutes for each step
in Round 2.
VARIATION 3
Partner A you draw a picture. The aim is for Partner B to reproduce
Partner A's drawing. There are only two rules; one, pairs must stay
back-to-back; and two, pairs must not look at each others drawings
until I tell you the time is up.
Discussion:
Choose questions appropriate to the variation you used. If you used

Variation 1 or 2, you may want to insert some discussion between
Rounds 1 and 2.
Did either Partner A or Partner B feel confused or frustrated? Why?
What caused this confusion to arise? (After participants have
responded, you might add, pre-conceived notions, differing
perceptions and assumptions, different understandings of terminology
like inches/centimetres, Partner A leaving out important details etc.)
What was it like not to see each other? (Non-verbal components are
intrinsic to communication. ln many cases, non-verbal communication
is more powerful than verbal e.g. in conveying emotions, attitudes,
reactions to situations and what sort of people we are.)
What could you do to improve the communication? (See Section H:
Asking Questions.)
How was Round 2 different from Round 1? Was it more satisfying?
Were the reproductions more accurate?
Did asking questions encourage the speaker to become more specific
and detailed in the information being volunteered?
Did you become more aware of the assumptions that you were
making? How did you see beyond those?

We all have differing perceptions of things. Words conjure different
images and meanings for different people in different contexts.
Conflicts often pivot on our different understandings of words. (E.g.
What's fair? What's tidy? What's complete?) Checking and rechecking
with the other person can prevent and overcome confusion.
Becoming clear on what others mean when they speak is a wonderful
empathy-builder.

Empathy A.3.16
Empathy Activities
Shopping List
Context:
Communication is enhanced when the listener plays an active role.

(See Chapter 3. Empathy: Section G.)
Time:
15 minutes
Aim:
To experience the effectiveness of questions in improving

communication.
Instructions:
This activity will explore some of the ingredients of clear

communication. There will be two rounds, with some discussion at the
end of each round.
Divide the group into pairs, with Partners A and B.
Round 1
Partner A, think of five items that you would like partner B to buy.
Arrange with Partner B as though B were about to go and buy them.
(The trainer can suggest grocery items, office supplies, or whatever is
appropriate to the group.)
Allow 2 minutes. Then, lead a large group discussion.
Discussion:
Ask a few partners B what they are going to buy. Explore the details:
e.g.
What size block of cheese?

What variety of milk low fat, whole, skim, etc?
Does Person A have a particular greengrocer in mind?
Who is going to pay for it?
Do you need receipts?
Who did you consider was responsible for ensuring the communication
was clear?
How successful would Partners B have been in making the
purchases?
What can be done to ensure that Partners A receive exactly what they
want?

Empathy A.3.17
Explore:
Partners A could have volunteered more information.

Partners B could have asked more questions.
(See Empathy. Section H: Asking Questions.)
Instructions:
Round 2
Ask partners to reverse roles. Ask the speaker to do as before or
change the scenario e.g. arrange to go out to dinner. Place the
emphasis on the listener asking questions to elicit information.
Allow 3 minutes.
Discussion:
Was your communication more effective when listeners participated

actively?
Did the speakers begin to volunteer more information?
Were there any difficulties in constructing appropriate questions?

Empathy A.3.18
Empathy Activities
Context:
Active listening requires that we identify the feelings the speaker is

expressing.
Time:
10 minutes
Aim:
To practice identifying feelings and responding to them.
Handout:
Instructions:
In this activity, we will complete a worksheet developing appropriate

active listening responses.
Ask participants:
to read each statement
to identify the feeling being expressed
to write an appropriate active listening response.
Discussion:
Choose some examples and ask what participants have written. Ask if
there are any that participants found difficult and consider these more
closely.
Invite comments and insights.

Often a person's underlying feeling is masked by anger or frustration at
someone or something else.
Sometimes a person's feeling is expressed as an action or as a
description.
It can be difficult to be certain what feeling is being expressed, so we
need to be cautious in our response, and show a willingness to be
corrected to have the person say "No, it's not that. It's..."

Empathy A.3.19
Empathy Activities
Context:
In a conflict situation, often peoples most important need is to sort out

their own ideas and feelings. Finding someone who can act as a
sounding board can help them to do this. (See Chapter 3. Empathy:
Section I.)
Time:
40 minutes
Aim:
To practice active listening in order to affirm the other person, and to

acknowledge and explore a situation.
Instructions:
Listening to affirm is a skill which needs plenty of practice. Working

with a partner, we will each have the opportunity to try our active
listening skills.
Divide the group into pairs.
Round 1
Partners A, you choose a matter which is of concern to you. Choose
something which has some degree of emotional importance to you,
and about which you are willing to talk to partner B.
Partners B, you listen very attentively to Partner A, reflecting back the
essence of what you hear. Rely mainly on paraphrasing and
summarising what partner A says. Allow there to be some silences,
and only probe with questions when the flow from partner A
diminishes. Take care that your questions don't lead away from
Partner A's main concerns.
Allow 10 minutes.
Pair Discussion: Ask partners to share with each other what they experienced.
How did it feel to be listened to so attentively?
What worked and what didn't?
What areas can be improved?

Empathy A.3.20
Round 2
Reverse activity: speaker becomes listener, listener becomes speaker.
Allow ten minutes, followed by partner discussion, then entire group
discussion.
Discussion:
Did speakers say more than you thought you would? Why did that
happen?
Did speakers feel heard? If so, what gave you that feeling?
Did listeners find yourself wanting to give advice, reassure, share your
own experience? Were you able to refrain from doing so?
Were there spaces in the conversation? How did that feel? Did either
person want to fill them in?

Empathy A.3.21

Gives priority to detail and
organisation
..
Sets exacting standards
Approaches tasks and people with

steadiness
..
Enjoys research and analysis
..
Prefers operating within guidelines
..
Completes tasks thoroughly
..
Focuses attention on immediate task
..
Likes accuracy
..
Makes decisions on thorough basis
..
Values standard procedures highly
..
Approaches work systematically
..
Likes to plan for change
..
Gives priority to achieving results
..
Seeks challenges
..
Approaches tasks and people with clear

goals
..
Is willing to confront
..
Makes decisions easily
..
Is keen to progress
..
Feels a sense of urgency
..
Acts with authority
..
Likes to take the lead
..
Enjoys solving problems
..
Questions the status quo
..
Takes action to bring about change
..
___
___
Total:
___
Total:
___
Gives priority to supporting others
..
Enjoys assisting others
..
Gives priority to creating a friendly

environment
..
Likes an informal style
..
Approaches people and tasks with

energy
..
Emphasises enjoying oneself
..
Rates creativity highly
..
Prefers broad approach to details
..
Likes participating in groups
..
Creates a motivational environment
..
Acts on impulse
..
Willing to express feelings
..
Approaches people and tasks with

quiet and caution
..
Has difficulty saying no
..
Values co-operation over competition
..
Eager to get on with others
..
Willing to show loyalty
..
Calms excited people
..
Listens well/ attentively
..
Prefers others to take the lead
..
Gives priority to secure relationships

and arrangements
..
Enjoys discussing possibilities
..
Prefers steady not sudden change
..
Keen to promote change
..
___
Total:
___
___
Total:
___
This questionnaire is to be used as a guide only. It has not been validated. For an accurate behavioural style
questionnaire we recommend completion of the full Personal Profile System, available from Inscape Publishing, Inc. or
Integro Learning Company P/L, PO Box 6120, Frenchs Forest DC NSW 2086 Australia
.
Empathy H.3.1
DISC Model
Introverted
Extroverted
CONSCIENTIOUS
DIRECT
Behaviours
Needs
Behaviours
Needs
Reserved
Approaches work
systematically
Pays attention to
details
Focuses attention
on immediate task
Prefers to stack to
established
guidelines &
practices
Likes to plan for
change
High standards
Appreciation
Quality work
Outgoing
Challenges status
quo
Keen to get things
done
Resists authority
Likes to take the
lead
Takes action to
bring about change
Results
Recognition
Challenges
Fears
Criticism of work
Imperfection
Not having things
adequately
explained
Challenges to their
authority
Lack of results from
others
INFLUENCING
Behaviours
Needs
Behaviours
Needs
Reserved
Works well in a
team
Accommodates
others
Maintains status
quo
Recovers slowly
from hurt
Prefers steady not
sudden change
Security
Acceptance
Teamwork
Outgoing
Leads by enthusing
others
Prefers a global
approach
Steers away from
details
Acts on impulse
Keen to promote
change
Change
Acknowledgement
New trends and
ideas
Fears
Isolation
Standing out as
better or worse
Unplanned
challenges
Introverted
Fears
Disapproval
Stagnation
Detailed work
People Orientated
People Orientated
STABILISING
Fears
Task Orientated
Task orientated
People have a variety of preferred and habitual ways of behaving and responding,
depending on the context. When communication is difficult, it can be helpful to tailor
your approach to suit others' preferences and habits.
Within any behavioural style, people can be both skilled at getting the job done and
getting along with others.
Once aware of areas needing improvement, people can often develop new skills, to
increase the flexibility of their behavioural repertoire.
Extroverted
The DISC Model was initiated by William Moulton Marston PhD (1893-1947) and expanded upon by Dr John Geier for
Performax, now Inscape Publishing, Inc. as part of their Personal Profile System. For more information on questionnaires and
courses contact Inscape or the Australian Distributor Integro Learning Company P/L, PO Box 6120, Frenchs Forest DC NSW
2086 Australia.
Empathy H3.2

Who have you noticed using these behavioural styles?
Direct: ____________________________________________________
Influencing: ________________________________________________
Stabilising: _________________________________________________
Conscientious: ______________________________________________
Think of someone with whom you often find yourself in conflict. What is the
behavioural style you often notice them using?
How might knowing this help you to communicate, work more co-operatively, and
be less judging of their behavioural style?
How could you modify your behaviour to address their needs better?
If you did modify your behaviour, how might their response be different?

Appropriate Assertiveness 4. 1
Empathy Blockers
Communication Killers, Fouls!
Who does it?
Self
DOMINATION
Other
Threatening: ''If you are not able to get to work on

time we'll have to review your job here?", "Do it or
else."
Ordering: "I'll see you immediately in my office.",
"Don't ask me why, just do it because I said so."
Criticising: "You don't work hard enough.", "You're
always complaining."
Name-calling: ''Only an idiot would say that.", "You
stupid fool." "You're neurotic.''
Should'ing or "Oughting: "You ought to face the
facts.", ''You shouldn't be so angry."
MANIPULATION
Withholding Relevant Information: "If you knew

more about this you would see it differently."
Interrogating: ''How many hours did this take you?"
''How much did this cost?" Why are you so late?"
''What are you doing now?"
Praising to Manipulate: "You're so good at report
writing, I'd like you to do this one."
DISEMPOWERMENT
Diagnosing Motives: ''You are very possessive."

"You've always had a problem with time
management."
Untimely Advice: "I don't seem to be managing.'' "If
you'd just straighten up your desk you would not be
in this panic. ''Why didn't you do it this way?" ''Just
Ignore him."
Changing the Topic: "I'm worried about my son's
progress at school. ''Yes it is a worry...Did I tell you
that I'm applying for a new job?"
Persuading with Logic: ''There's nothing to be upset
about. It's all quite reasonable we just... then
we...".
Topping: "I smashed the car last week...... '' ''When
I smashed my car..."
DENIAL
Refusing to Address the Issue: ''There's nothing to

discuss. I can't see any problems."
Reassuring: ''Don't be nervous.", ''Don't worry, it will
work out.", ''You'll be fine."

Create Empathy
Listen with your head and your heart.
Empathy is sensing another's feelings and attitudes as if we had experienced them
ourselves. It is our willingness to enter another's world, and being able to
communicate to that person our sensitivity to them. It is not blind sentimentality; it
always retains some objectivity and distance. We do not lose our own identity,
though we discover our common humanity.
Create empathy by:
taking seriously others' needs and concerns

valuing feelings and attitudes
respecting others' privacy, experience and values
listening actively
encouraging further elaboration and clarification
using open body language and a warm vocal tone
reserving judgement and blame
displaying interest in what others communicate
withholding unsought advice
supporting others' attempts to find a solution
making affirming statements and gestures.
uncovers complex
needs and concerns.
improves relationships
Empathy
encourages
blossoming and growth
supports confidence
and self-knowledge.


Label the feeling in these statements, and give an appropriate response. Avoid
parroting the speaker. Instead, active listen to paraphrase the statement. Your
response may be a question. When you try to label other people's feelings, you
need a tentative, inquiring approach or have a question in your tone of voice.
Feeling
Anger
Example:
I really hate him
Response: You feel really angry with him?
Feeling
1. I'm not much good at anything
Response ______________________________________________________
2. I can't sense feelings like others can
Response ______________________________________________________
3. I'm a lousy parent
Response ______________________________________________________
4. I don't know what to do
Response ______________________________________________________
5. I've had nothing but trouble from this organisation
Response ______________________________________________________
6. I can't get along with them at all
Response ______________________________________________________
7. I have difficulty meeting people
Response ______________________________________________________
8. I'd looked forward to the holiday but it was pretty lonely
Response ______________________________________________________
9. I just can't cope
Response ______________________________________________________
10. There never seems to be anyone to help me
Response ______________________________________________________
11. I need some time to myself
Response ______________________________________________________
12. People just don't listen
Response ______________________________________________________


Things to Try
Put the focus of attention totally on the
speaker.
Repeat conversationally and
tentatively, in your words, your
understanding of the speaker's
meaning.
Feed back feelings, as well as content.
(Probe, if appropriate e.g. ''How do you
feel about that?" or "How did that affect
you?")
Reflect back not only to show you
understand, but also so the speaker
can hear and understand his or her
own meaning.
Try again if your active listening
statement is not well received.
Be as accurate in the summary of the
meaning as you can.
Challenge powerlessness and
hopelessness subtly (e.g. try "It is
hopeless'' instead of "It seems
hopeless to you right now. Try ''You
can't find anything that could fix it?
instead of Theres nothing I can do).
Allow silences in the conversation.
Things to Avoid
Avoid talking about yourself.
Reject introducing your own reactions
or well intentioned comments.
Try not to ignore feelings in the
situation.
Avoid advising, diagnosing, baiting,
reassuring, encouraging or criticising.
Dispense with thinking about what you
will say next.
Avoid parroting the speaker's words or
only saying "mm" or ''ah, hah''.
Don't pretend that you have understood
if you haven't.
Avoid letting the speaker drift to less
significant topics because you haven't
shown you've understood.
Avoid fixing, changing, or improving
what the speaker has said.
Don't change topics.
Resist filling in every space with your
talk.
Don't neglect the non-verbal content of
the conversation.
Notice body shifts and respond to them

by waiting. Then, e.g. ''How does it all
seem to you now?"

Active Listening for Different

Purposes
SKILLS
Non-verbal Skills
Following Skills
Reflecting Skills
PURPOSES
To Gain Information
to find out the details of what
another is saying.
Use appropriate body

language nodding, noting,
recording, watching.
Ask many questions.
Focus your concentration,

block out distractions.
Use memory joggers.
to show empathy and give

acknowledgement.
Choose a non-distracting
and comfortable
environment. Is
privacy needed?
Use minimal verbal

encouragers such as
''mm'' and ''ah hah".
Reflect back both feelings

and content.
to help the speaker hear and

understand his or her own
meaning.
Remove inappropriate
physical barriers e.g. large
desk
Ask only occasional

questions.
Use your own words to feed

back your understanding of
the speaker's meaning.
to clarify instructions and to

gain information.
Confirm your understanding

by repeating key points.
Write notes.
To Give Affirmation
Allow attentive silences.

Consider moving closer to
the speaker.
Summarise the major

concerns.
Adopt an open, encouraging

posture with welcoming
gestures, and appropriate
eye contact to show
attention and involvement.
Use a tone of voice that

shows warmth and interest.
To Respond To
Inflammation
to let the speaker know
you've heard the complaint,
the anger and/or the
accusation.
Avoid defensive or
aggressive posture and
gestures.
Use obvious verbal

indicators that you've
understood a clear ''yes'',
a strong "OK".
As for listening to affirm

(above).
to defuse the strong

emotions.
Consider extra distance to

make you feel safe.
Ask questions to
understand the basis of the
attack.
In reflecting back, try to put

some heat in your voice (not
a flat tone), gradually
reducing it as the speaker
''cools'' down.
Use attentive eye contact

and an assertive stance.

Listen
When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving advice
you have not done what I asked.
and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems,
you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen.
Not talk or do just hear me.
Advice is cheap: 50 cents will get you both Dorothy Dix and
Dr Spock in the same newspaper.
And I can DO for myself ; I'm not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do
for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.
But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational, then I quit trying to convince
you and can get about the business of understanding what's
behind this irrational feeling.
And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don 't
need advice.
So, please listen and just hear me, and if you want to talk,
wait a minute for your turn; and I'll listen to you.
Anonymous

Objectives:
To explore the differences between aggressive, passive and

assertive behaviours.
To learn the formula for "I" Statements. To develop and practise the
skill of active listening.
Essential
Background:
Sections:
Activities:
Sections AF
1 hours:
Sections A, D, E
1 hour:
Section D
A. Distinguishing between Aggressive,

Passive and Assertive Behaviour
4.10
B. Understanding our Responses to Conflict
4.11
C. Needs and Rights
4.12
D. "I" Statements
4.13
E. After an "I" Statement: Where to Next?
4.20
F. Additional Assertiveness Activities
4.22
React or Respond
A.4.1
A.4.3
A.4.5
Experiencing the Difference between

Aggressive and Assertive Styles
A.4.7
A.4.9

Handouts:
Section A:
H.4.1
Fight, Flight, Flow
H.4.2
Section C:
H.4.3
Section D:
"I" Statements
H.4.1

Saying How it is from My Side
PP. Distinguishing between Aggressive, Passive and Assertive
Behaviour
(25 minutes)
Question:
Think of a recent conflict. How did you respond?
Discussion:
Ask participants to write down their answers. Then write them on the
board as a basis for discussion. Ask participants if they can group
types of behaviour e.g. withdrawing, changing the subject, walking
away flight etc. As these emerge from your discussion, identify and
write on the board:
BEHAVIOURS:
Fight
Flight
Flow
Link this discussion with the material covered in Chapter 1. Win/Win
Approach.
Question:
When we're about to behave in ''fight'' mode, do we have different

physical and thought reactions than those we have when we're about
to react in ''flight'' mode?
Acknowledge responses from participants.
If we're able to recognise these reactions, we may then be able to
choose a different and often more appropriate behaviour in response
to the conflict.
If theres time for more detailed teaching, consider the material pp.6
22 Helena Cornelius and Shoshana Faire, Everyone Can Win 2nd
edition. (Sydney: Simon & Schuster (Australia) P/L, 2006),
Group Activity:
React or Respond: participants complete a handout: "Will you

React or Respond? to raise their awareness of the physical and
mental components of their reaction to conflict. (See Appropriate
Assertiveness Activities page A.4.1)
(15 minutes)
Give out the handout: ''Fight, Flight, Flow'' to highlight the
differences between each approach.

QQ. Understanding our Responses to Conflict

(15 minutes)
Question:
What is your most usual response to conflict?
Question:
Are there times and places when you respond in one way, and
others when you respond in another? What are they? What
influences this pattern of response?
Reflection:
Ask participants to write their answers down and then to reflect on the
reasons they behave that way. The trainer reads a series of questions,
pausing briefly between each, to help focus this reflection.
If Fight is your most frequent response, ask yourself:

Why do I need to be in control?
How would I feel if I found out I was wrong?
Do I make myself feel good by proving that I am better than others?
Do I feel that everyone ought to have the same values as me?
Should I perhaps question some of my own opinions?
What's not working for me anymore?
If Flight is the way you mostly respond, ask yourself:

Do I really think the other person doesn't suspect I'm upset?
What damage to the relationship is my withdrawal doing?
Is it fear, habit or anger that prevents me from speaking?
Are my feelings as important as the other person's?
Am I frightened of the other person's anger, or of damaging the
relationship?
What's the worst that can happen if I speak?
If Flow is the way you'd like to respond more often, ask yourself:
Do I have needs and rights which I need to acknowledge?
Do I need to become more aware of the needs and rights of others?
Do I need to develop my skills in explaining more clearly what I
need and what I deserve?

RR. Needs and Rights

(15 minutes)
Question:
Are there times in your life when you feel you're not as assertive
as you would like to be?
Question:
How do you feel afterwards as a result of not being assertive?
Discussion:

cheated
trodden on
taken advantage of
Over-ridden.
It may be that we're lacking a skill: we just don't know how to be
assertive in that situation or setting. Or it may be that we don't have a
clear idea about our needs in the situation.
Question:
Why might we not have a clear idea about our needs in the
situation?
Discussion:

We may never have been encouraged to identify our own needs.
We may be so used to thinking about others' needs, that we never
stop to think of our own.
There may be messages from our past that lead us to think that it's
selfish to consider our own needs.
Becoming aware of our needs in a situation is a fundamental step in
becoming appropriately assertive. Knowing what our needs are doesn't
mean that we have to demand that they be met. Rather, it means we
can make more reasoned choices about appropriate action. We may
want to negotiate to have these needs met in the situation, or we may
seek to have them met in some other way or in some other setting. We
may become clear about the priority of our needs perhaps some
have to be met now, whereas others can be put on hold for a while.
We may choose in some situations to attend to others' needs first; or in
such a case, perhaps in meeting someone else's needs, we may be
meeting one of our own superordinate needs. (For example, parents
will meet their baby's need for food, not satisfying their own need for
sleep, but perhaps satisfying a superordinate need to be a good
parent.)
To help us acknowledge what our needs are, it can be helpful to have
a sense of what it is reasonable and fair for us to expect in a situation.
We may be aware often of others' claims on us and what they deserve
and need, but we may not have a framework of RIGHTS for ourselves.

Question:
What's our understanding of the term ''right''?
Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses. In addition, you might offer a

definition: ''that which is due to anyone by just claim'' from The
Macquarie Essential Dictionary (Macquarie Library, 1999).
There are a variety of rights: legal, moral, human. What we're talking
about here are rights which arise from the conventions of interpersonal
communication: what it is reasonable for us to expect in our
relationships and in our communications with others. Having a sense
of what our rights are may help us to feel that our needs are valid and
it is therefore appropriate that we seek to have them met.
Conclude by distributing and discussing the handout: "A Bill of
Assertive Rights'' or by doing the following activity.
Group Activity:
Creating A Bill of Assertive Rights: participants identify situations in

which they find it difficult to be assertive and then work out their rights
in these situations. (See Appropriate Assertiveness Activities page
A.4.3)
(30 minutes)
SS. "I" Statements

(45 minutes)
Question:
Think of a recent occasion when you wanted to let someone else

know that you were unhappy or dissatisfied with something. What
did you want to say?
Ask participants to write down what they wanted to say.
Question:
Why is it difficult to say some things to one person and yet not to
another?
Discussion:

inappropriate time and situation
type of relationship
difficulty finding a tactful way to express it
fear of the other person becoming defensive or abusive.
There are lots of ways that we can respond to conflict. Sometimes it's
appropriate to withdraw, and deal with the issue in some other way or
at another time. Sometimes we have legitimate needs and rights to
which we want to stay true while acknowledging that others also have
needs and rights.
Frequently, the tricky part is knowing how to express what we're
feeling to another person so that person does not become defensive.

When we're in conflict, it's often as if we're standing in two rooms

across a corridor. Each of us is protected and safe in our own room
and every so often we lean out and throw abuse, or tell the other
person what he or she needs to do to fix the situation. For example ''If
you arrived on time, then we wouldn't have these problems'' or ''If you
weren't so lazy, then things would run smoothly''.
The problem with this is we often don't make any progress solving the
problem. We just stay locked in our own rooms with our own ideas,
that we're right and the other person is wrong.
So, what we need is a bridge across the corridor, to move us into the
same room to start talking. We need an opener for a conversation with
the other person.
Question:
Are some of you familiar with the concept of an "I" statement?

An "I" statement is like a recipe with three main ingredients. Youll
come across a number of variations. Heres our preferred one:
Write on the board:
The Action
My Response
My Preferred Outcome
The quality of the ingredients is what determines the flavour of the final
product. Similarly, just how effective an "I" statement is, will depend on
the quality of these ingredients.
Expand on each of these ingredients as follows:
THE ACTION
Imagine we're trying to make a point in a meeting, or to tell a story, or
present an argument, and we find that we can't complete it because
someone else keeps ''interrupting''. In fact, this person frequently
''interrupts'' us. ("Interrupting'' is in inverted commas because it is only
one person's interpretation of the event.)
Question:
How might we feel about this?
Discussion:

angry
frustrated
upset.

Depending on how upset we are, and how important the issue is to us,
we may decide to ''tackle'' or ''confront'' the other person. (Note words
like tackle or confront, imply some type of battle. They come from a
win/lose perspective.)
We might say something like: "I'm sick of you interrupting me'' or "I
want you to stop interrupting me'' or ''Whenever I start talking, you
interrupt me and never let me finish.
Question:
How is the other person likely to react to such statements?
Discussion:

become defensive
start to attack
retreat
apologise and leave it unresolved.
Question:
What are the main messages of such statements?
Discussion:

The other person is wrong.
It's nothing to do with me, it's all your fault.
If you'd behave differently, everything would be OK.
I'm OK you're not.
If we're wanting to build a bridge so we can start talking with another
person, then statements that blame and accuse are not likely to work.
We need to find a different way of communicating our concerns.
Question:
How could we construct a statement which begins with a nonblaming description of this difficulty?
Discussion:
If participants are able to give appropriate examples, use the

information below to highlight the structure of the examples. If they are
having difficulties, provide this information first to assist them.
To do this, it's useful to think of the following:
What we're trying to achieve is an ''objective description.
Add the words:
The Action
Objective
Description

A way to do this is to start our statement with the word "when.

Add the word:
The Action
Objective
Description
When
and to try not to use emotive language like ''interrupt" or the word
"you.
Add the crossed out word:
The Action
Objective
Description
When
Add the word:
you
Often, as soon as people hear ''you'', they feel they are being accused,
so they want to protect themselves. It's often difficult for people to hear
what's wrong with them, but not so hard to hear what's not working for
the person speaking.
Consider further alternatives offered by participants. You might then
give the following example:
''When I'm not able to finish what I'm saying...''
This is a clean statement of how I perceive the event or the action, and
is not burdened with value or emotional judgement.
MY RESPONSE
Often, when something has happened to upset us, the other person is
unaware of how we feel. He or she may simply not realise that his or
her actions are irritating us.
Saying how we feel gives valuable information to the other person. In
some cases the other person will respond with an offer to do
something different. If the conflict is entrenched, or it's over an issue
that is significant to both, it may not be that simple.
When we feel angry, we often want to blame the other person for the
pain, the inconvenience or the annoyance, and our tendency is to
make the other person responsible for how we feel.
For example, ''You make me so angry.

Question:
How might the other person react to this?
Discussion:

feel defensive
think it's unfair
feel guilty.
Question:
Instead, how could I give an accurate statement of my response?
Discussion: Depending on the responses of participants, give

them the following information to guide or to summarise:
A key to describing our response clearly is to ensure that we don't
blame the other person.
Add the words.
My Response
No Blame
and it is helpful to start this part of the statement with the words "I feel''
to describe our feelings or "I feel like'' to describe what we want to do.
Add the words:
My Response
No Blame
I feel
or
I feel like
Consider further alternatives offered by participants. You might then

give the following example:
''When I'm not able to finish what I'm saying, I feel
frustrated..."
or
"...I feel like leaving the
meeting...''
"I feel like'' or I want to is a more appropriate response in some
settings. Or, if we're having difficulty working out just how we feel, we
may find it easier to identify what we feel like doing.
To say how we feel without blaming the other person contributes to
building empathy. It sometimes also pushes us to explore our
response. Under our anger or our upset there may be other feelings
such as ''overburdened'' or ''unacknowledged''. If we just continue to
blame the other person, then we may have lost the opportunity to
identify these feelings, our needs, and the change we want.

MY PREFERRED OUTCOME
When we raise an issue with another person, knowing what outcome
we want can give direction to further discussion.
However, let's take care in how we define ''outcome''. We don't want
the other person to feel backed into a corner, or that we're unwilling to
negotiate.
Sometimes, when we're upset, we become focused on the other
person fixing the situation.
Thinking of our example again, we may be tempted to say: ''...and I
want you to keep quiet until I've finished.
Question:
How might the other person react to this?
Discussion:
Draw out participants' response. In addition, you might consider:

might agree
might rebel
might submit begrudgingly.
Question:
How could I, instead, say what I wanted without expecting the

other person to fix it?
Discussion:
Depending on the responses of participants, give them the following

information to guide or to summarise.
It's important in stating our preferred outcome not to place any
demand on the other person.
Add the words.
My Preferred
Outcome
No Demand
and it's helpful to start this part of the statement with the words "And
what I'd like is that I..."
Add the words.
My Preferred
Outcome
No Demand
And what Id like is

that I
Consider alternatives offered by participants. You might then give the

following example:
"When I'm not able to finish what I'm saying, I feel frustrated,
and what I'd like is that I am able to complete all I want to say.

The sentence created should be able to be paraphrased as ''And what

I'd like is that l am able to...'' These exact words may be clumsy in
some situations, but the implied meaning should be there.
Outcome, in this sense, is a broad idea of how I want the situation to
be. It reflects my needs but it doesn't specify a solution. By leaving it
open, it leaves space for the other person to give his/her side of the
story before settling on a solution; or in more complex issues before
negotiating to decide on a solution.
(In this case, if it was a meeting setting, examples of possible solutions
could be:
making sure each person says all that he/she wants to say without
interruption
setting a time limit for each person
establishing a protocol for interruption e.g. raising a hand
ensuring that, after an interruption, attention returns to the original
speaker etc.)
Ask participants to refer back to the statements they wrote down at the
beginning of this section.
Question:
Do the statements you wrote down at the beginning of this

section include any of these elements?
Give participants a moment or two to look over their statements.
Group Activity:
Formulating "I" Statements: working in groups of three, participants

practise constructing "I" statements. (See Appropriate Assertiveness
Activities p A.4.5.)
(40
minutes)
Give out the handout: "I" Statements''

As we become proficient in making "I" statements, we can rely less on
the formula and still include the main elements of speaking:
from my perspective, using "I" language not ''you'' language
as objectively as possible
without blaming
without demanding.
"I" statements can still be delivered when we are highly emotional, in
the midst of a heated argument. They are likely to do less damage to
the long term relationship than a ''you'' statement.

It takes practice to construct "I" statements with ease. It also takes

practice to deliver them without them sounding stilted and clumsy.
This is partly because we need to find words that are right for each of
us and which incorporate these three elements. As well, whenever we
learn a new skill, it doesn't seem natural at first. With practice,
however, new skills become automatic. Think of driving a car, for
instance.
Write the following model of the four stages of learning on the board:
Unconsciously unskilled When you're not even aware that you
don't have a particular skill.
Consciously unskilled When you become conscious that there
is a skill (e.g. driving) which you can acquire (when you're older).
Consciously skilled When you first learn a skill (driving) and it
takes all your concentration to perform it.
Unconsciously skilled When you have become so proficient at
the skill (of driving) that you no longer have to concentrate on it.
You do it automatically, which frees you up to focus on the
particular situation (in this case, the road, the traffic etc.)
So it is with "I" Statements. With practice we become unconsciously
skilled in the formula of an "I" Statement and we can concentrate on
the feelings and events of the moment.
TT.
After an "I" Statement: Where to Next?

(15 minutes)
Question:
When we make an "I" Statement how can we gauge the other

person's response?
Discussion:

facial expression
body language for signs of tension and discomfort
active listening.
Question:
Why might an "I" Statement not be well received?
Discussion:

The other person has issues relating to this topic which need to be
addressed. (See Chapter 7. Willingness to Resolve.)
The "I" statement may not have been constructed as cleanly or
clearly as intended; or it may sound stilted and insincere; or it might
sound too subjective.

The underlying intent may have been to blame. Even though the
verbal message may have taken an "I" statement form, the body
language and tone of voice may have conveyed another message.
Question:
After we've delivered an "I" Statement, if the other person

becomes defensive or doesn't make an offer to contribute to a
solution, what can we do?
Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses. In addition, you might explore.

active listen to that person's view of the situation
check our intent
centre ourselves
construct another "I" statement, perhaps this time about our need to
have the situation addressed
point out the consequences of not addressing the situation
indicate what our solution will be, if the other person is not willing to
contribute to a solution
try another CR tool.
During discussion that follows an "I" Statement, it can be useful to
cover these points:
Be clear on the outcome and flexible on the route. Let go of a
particular position or idea in response to new information from the
other person.
Put aside judgements. Often we feel someone ''should'' or
''shouldn't'' do something. This can inhibit finding a solution.
Deal with our own desire to blame. Instead, focus on our own
feelings to uncover their source. People find it difficult to hear
criticisms of themselves. They find it much easier to hear how we
are feeling about a situation.
Focus on the good purpose. It can help reduce our own negativity if
we remind ourselves that in many cases, people are not setting out
to hurt us. They have good intentions in what they did, or they just
may not have considered what impact their actions would have on
us. The good purpose does not necessarily justify what went wrong,
but understanding it may change the emotional climate.

UU. Additional Assertiveness Activities

(30minutes)
Experiencing the Difference Between Aggressive and Assertive
Styles: working in pairs, participants gain a felt sense of the difference
between aggressive and assertive behaviour. (See Appropriate
Assertiveness Activities page A.4.7)
(30 minutes)
Broken Record Technique: many people find it difficult to maintain

an assertive response when under pressure from another person.
Working in pairs participants practise this skill. (See Appropriate
Assertiveness Activities page A.4.9.)
(20 minutes)

Appropriate Assertiveness Activities

React or Respond
Context:
When faced with conflicts, there are physical, mental, emotional and
behavioural components to our reaction. Becoming aware of these
components helps people choose a better response. (See Chapter 4,
Appropriate Assertiveness, Section A. p 4.3 and Helena Cornelius and
Shoshana Faire, Everyone Can Win 2nd edition. (Sydney: Simon &
Schuster (Australia) P/L, 2006), pp.622.)
Time:
15 minutes
Aims:
To identify physical and mental components of our reaction to conflict

To consider how our reaction can be transformed into an appropriate
response.
Handout:
Will You React or Respond?
Instructions:
We're going to complete a handout to consider what happens

physically and in our thoughts when we react to conflict both in "fight"
and in ''flight''. When we've completed the handout we'll discuss what
we notice with a partner.
Give out the handout: "Will you React or Respond?"
Think for a moment about ways that you behave in "fight" mode. What
happens physically and what thoughts run through your mind when
you're about to behave in these ways? Write your answers down on
the handout.
If some participants seem to be having difficulty add:
Perhaps you might feel certain muscles becoming tense, particularly
those around your jaw and neck. Maybe you feel an adrenalin rush.
You might say to yourself "I'll show him''; "I'll put her in her place'';
"He's always a pain"; or "It's her fault''.
Allow 35 minutes.
Now, think for a moment about ways that you behave in "flight" mode.
What happens physically, and what thoughts run through your mind
just before you behave in these ways? Write your answers down on
the handout.

Appropriate Assertiveness A.4.1
As before, prompt, if necessary, with:

Perhaps you feel nauseous or your head aches: or you feel tense
around your shoulders; or your breathing is shallow. Maybe you say:
"This always happens to me'' or "I guess I'm wrong again'' or "I'll just
keep out of her way" or ''It's not worth making a fuss''.
Allow a further 35 minutes.
When you become aware of the physical and mental signs that you're
about to behave in ''fight'' or ''flight", what could you do to respond
more appropriately, and to ''flow" instead?
Allow 35 minutes.
Pair Discussion: Ask participants to talk about what they identified.

Discussion:
Are there differences in what happens physically and mentally when

you're about to behave in "fight" to when you're about to behave in
"flight?" (Often people comment that the physical signs are very
similar, but the thoughts associated with each are quite different.)
How easy or difficult was it to identify the physical and thought
components that precede your behaviour? Why is that?
If you could become more aware of these components, do you think it
might affect the way you behave in conflict? In what ways?
If you noticed these components of your reaction, what could you do to
transform them into an appropriate response to conflict? (After
participants have responded, you might add: breathe deeply, relax
tensed muscles, state how you feel, take time out to become
sufficiently composed to deal with the conflict appropriately, centre.)


Context:
An awareness of what is fair and reasonable for us to expect in our

relationships may provide us with a framework in which to be
assertive. (See Chapter 4: Appropriate Assertiveness: Section C)
Time:
30 minutes
Aim:
To understand how lack of awareness of our rights in communication

prevents us from being assertive
To prepare a statement of ones rights.
Instructions:
We're going to explore the concept of rights in small groups of three,

developing a statement of one right for each participant which we may
currently be denying or allowing to be over-ridden.
Divide into small groups of three.
Ask participants to think of situations where they would like to be
assertive and find it difficult to be so.
Be ready to offer some examples:
not getting all your questions adequately answered by a doctor;
finding It difficult to say "no" to a parent, child, friend or boss;
not raising with a work colleague, housemate your dissatisfaction
with a certain arrangement.
Take turns at describing your situations and then, with the help of the
other two in the group, identify your underlying right in this situation.
Try to identify a right that can serve as a springboard for
acknowledging and stating your own needs.
Remember that any right you claim as your own needs to be extended
to others as well. Listeners, remember your active listening skills to
help the speaker explore the situation and identify the underlying right.
Allow 1520 minutes.
Return everyone to the large group.

Discussion:
How difficult was it to identify your rights?

What might have made it difficult? (After participants have responded,
you might add: past experience, social, cultural, gender expectations
etc.)

Any rights we claim as our own, we need to extend to others as their
rights also.
Even though we recognise we have a right we may choose not to
exercise it (e.g. we may know you have a right to bring up an issue,
and may choose not to for a variety of reasons such as inappropriate
time or place, to preserve a relationship etc.)
Closing:
Ask participants to take turns reading out their rights.

(Optional) Write up each individual right on the flip chart or ask for a
copy of each right, and have them typed on a sheet to be given out at
the next session.


Context:
In conflict, it is not easy to describe the difficulty from our perspective,

without blaming the other person. I statements provide a structure for
communicating our points of view. (See Chapter 4, Appropriate
Assertiveness, Section D)
Time:
40 minutes
Aim:
To practice formulating I statements
Handout:
I Statements
Instructions:
We'll work, now, in groups of three to formulate "I" statements. Either

work on the example you wrote down at the beginning of this section
(refer to Chapter 4. Appropriate assertiveness: Section D) or choose
another current conflict for which an "I" Statement would be relevant.
Give out the handout: "I" Statements''.
Now spend a few minutes trying to construct an "I" Statement.
Allow five minutes.
Now, divide into groups of three. In your groups, take it in turn to
describe briefly your situation and to present an I Statement. The
other two in the group will help to evaluate and polish that "I"
Statement. When the group considers the "I" Statement is clean and
clear, the next person has a turn.
The trainer can move amongst the groups, checking and offering
assistance where needed.
The "I" Statement must be:
Clear really stating what is the matter
Clean no direct or implied blame.
Allow 30 minutes

Discussion:
Is anyone needing to clarify any aspect of an "I" Statement?

Was one part of the "I" statement more difficult to construct than any
other? Which part? Why? (After participants have responded, you
might add: Finding it hard to identify and talk about feelings not
blaming not judging etc.)
Why do these difficulties exist? (After participants have responded,
you might add: upbringing, education, cultural and gender
expectations etc.)
Can anyone see an opportunity for using the "I" Statement you've just
formulated? In what way might it be useful?
If you don't choose to deliver your "I" Statement to the relevant person,
is there any other way in which it is useful?( After participants have
responded, you might add: clarifying for oneself, releasing emotional
energy, letting go.)

Sometimes formulating an "I" statement is most useful in clarifying the
situation for ourselves, and exploring our own responses. We may
then decide to deliver it; or we may decide that a different action is
more appropriate.
Non-verbal messages tend to be more powerful than verbal ones. lf
our listeners perceive an incongruence between what we're saying and
our non-verbal cues, they are more likely to believe that the non-verbal
messages represent our true feelings and intent. (Research findings
reported in Joseph P Forgas Interpersonal Communication (Sydney,
Pergamon Press, 1985) p140141. See also article Tim Connor 2006,
Non-Verbal Messages are More Important than What the Prospect
Says (http://ezinearticles.com/?Non-Verbal-Messsages-Are-MoreImportant-Than-What-The-Prospect-Says&id=330891) Therefore, if
our intent is to blame, to accuse or to demand, it is likely that our
listeners will perceive this no matter what we say.
If we can't construct a clean "I" Statement, the chances are that our
intent is to blame and to accuse. Or even if we have managed to
formulate a clean "I" Statement but we know the feeling behind it is to
blame, it may be better not to use an "I" Statement but to choose a
different conflict-resolving tool.


Experiencing the Difference between Aggressive and
Assertive Styles
Context:
Experiencing aggressive, then assertive, behaviour reinforces learning

about these behaviours. (See Chapter 4, Appropriate Assertiveness,
Section F)
Time:
30 minutes
Aim:
To gain a felt sense of the difference between aggressive and

assertive behaviour
Instructions:
In this role play (or demonstration), we will experience the difference

between aggressive and assertive behaviour.
Divide the group into pairs with Partners A and B for role plays
or
set up a demonstration by two people (possibly the trainer and one
other.)
Choose a situation that is current for one of the players, or provide a
scenario with which members of the group would easily be able to
identify. Here is an example which you could use:
Sample Situation
You are two work colleagues who need to have regular meetings.
Partner A regards punctuality as important and is always ready for the
meeting at the scheduled starting time. Partner B frequently arrives for
the meeting between five minutes and half an hour after the scheduled
starting time.
There will be three rounds and, in each round, we'll play the scene in a
different way.
Round 1
Partner A uses an accusing, angry approach and partner B gives a
defensive reason.
Allow 3 minutes.

Round 2
Partner A uses an accusing, angry approach and Partner B responds
with "I" Statements.
Allow 3 minutes.
Round 3
Partner A uses an "I" Statement which may still express anger to open
the discussion, and Partner B responds again with an "I" Statement.
Allow 3 minutes.
Encourage discussion between pairs on how they felt in each role play
before debriefing in the large group.
Discussion:
How did both players feel in the three different role plays?
Did responding with an "I" Statement defuse some of the hostility?
Did opening with an "I" Statement lead to a more fruitful discussion?
Did you move closer to resolution in one of the role plays?
What makes a statement aggressive, assertive or passive?


Context:
It can be difficult to persist in asserting our needs, particularly when

someone is placing a lot of pressure on us. (See Chapter 4,
Appropriate Assertiveness, Section F)
Time:
20 minutes
Aims:
To learn how to identify what we want and to communicate this

assertively
To persist in communicating assertively, even when faced with undue
pressure, lack of co-operation, resistance from another, etc.
Instructions:
It is often difficult to remain assertive when faced with undue pressure

or lack of co-operation from another. In this activity, we practise
remaining assertive when a partner puts pressure on us.
Divide the group into pairs.
Both people think of a situation in which you find it difficult to remain
assertive.
Partner A, you brief partner B on the situation. Partner B, you make it
difficult for Partner A to remain assertive.
Partner A, identify a goal and make a clear "I" Statement e.g. "I don't
want to work late tonight.
Partner B, you continue to make your request, pressuring Partner A to
comply with you.
Partner A, continue to repeat this statement, like a broken record,
without picking up on the side issues raised by Partner B (e.g. "I know
there are deadlines to be met and I don't want to work late tonight. "Let
me say it again, I don't want to work late tonight.)
Partner A, you may be prepared to negotiate if the situation is
appropriate (e.g. "I don't want to work late tonight. I would be willing to
stay back tomorrow".)
Reverse the process. Partner A puts pressure on Partner B, and
Partner B remains assertive.

Pair Discussion: Ask pairs to discuss how they felt in the role play.
Discussion:
How could you apply this technique in real life situations?

What might make it difficult?
What could you do to overcome these difficulties? (After participants
have responded, you might add: recall ''my rights", centre myself, use
positive self-talk, mentally enclose the other person in a box so that I
feel more separate and protected from their anger or their demands.)


When I am about to react in fight mode...
Physical reaction:
Thought reaction:
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
When I am about to react in flight mode...

Physical reaction:
Thought reaction:
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
____________________________
Ways I could turn these into a flow response are:

Appropriate Assertiveness H.4.1
Fight, Flight, Flow

FIGHT: Aggressive Behaviour (I win/You lose)
Expressing your feelings, needs and ideas at the expense of others; standing up for
your rights but ignoring the rights of others; trying to dominate, even humiliate,
others.
Hostile and self-defeating.

Results in anger, self-righteousness, possible guilt later.
Belief:
Payoff:
Problem:
You don't matter.

Vents anger and achieves goals in the short term.
Alienation from others; feelings of frustration, bitterness and isolation.
FLIGHT: Passive Behaviour (I lose/You win)

Not expressing your own feelings, needs, ideas; ignoring your own rights; allowing
others to infringe upon them.
Inhibited and self-denying.

Results in anxiety, disappointment, anger and resentment.
Belief:
Payoff:
Problem:
I don't matter.
Avoids unpleasant situations.
Needs are not met; anger builds up; feelings arise of low self-worth.
FLOW: Assertive Behaviour (I win/You win)

Expressing your feelings, needs and ideas. Standing up for your legitimate rights in
ways that do not violate the rights of others.
Expressive and self-enhancing.

Results in confidence, self-esteem.
Belief:
Payoff:
Problem:
We both matter.
Achieves goals mostly. If this does not occur, there are feelings of
self-worth which result from being straight forward. Self-confidence
improves and relationships become open and honest.
You still may feel distant from others who dont handle open
relationships well or who have great difficulty expressing their needs
or those who wish to dominate.


It is reasonable and proper for me...
to be treated with respect

to hold my own views and have them heard
to have my own feelings and have them taken seriously
to arrange my own priorities
to make mistakes
to change my mind
to choose not to answer questions that are personal or intrusive
to choose when and if to assert myself
to define and protect the physical space I need
to refuse without feeling guilty
to get what I pay for
to ask for what I want
to be given information (by doctors, lawyers, accountants etc.) without
being patronised.
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
Any right I claim as my own, I extend to

others.

"I" Statements
Aims :
To communicate clearly and cleanly my perception of and feelings

about a problem without attacking blaming or hurting the other person.
To open a discussion without eliciting defensiveness from the other
person.
Example
The
Action
Objecti When...
ve
you
Descrip
tion
When changes to our

plans have been finalised
before I have a chance to
contribute
My
Respo
nse
No
Blame
I feel...
I feel powerless
or
or
I feel
like...
I feel like making my own

separate plans
And what
I'd like is
that I...
And what I'd like is that I

have more involvement in the
decision-making process.
My
Preferr
ed
Outco
me
No
Deman
d
Complete your own example
Depending on the response of the other person, I will choose an appropriate next
action. It may be to make another "I" statement, to active listen, to start discussing
the problem in more detail or...

Cooperative Power 5.1
Co-operative Power
Objectives:
To identify and explore our attitudes and uses of power.

To consider ways to harness and to use power effectively and not at
the expense of others.
Session Times: 2 x 3 hours:
Recommended
Background:
Sections AE, then FL
3 hours:
Section: B, DH
2 hours:
Sections B, D (no role play), E and G
1 hour:
Sections B, C and G

Sections:
5.4
B. Introduction to Power
5.4
C. Power Bases
5.5
D. Power Game Relationships Persecuting,

Rescuing and Playing Victim Triangle
5.7
E. Discovery Circle
5.10
F. Personal Power
5.14
G. Transforming "I should'' to "I choose''
5.15
H. Shifting Away from Demand Behaviour
5.21
I. Exploring Positive Outcomes from the Past
5.21
J. Dealing with Difficult Behaviours
5.21
K. Responding to Resistance from Others
5.23
L. Working with Powerful People
5.24
M. Concluding Comments
5.26

Activities:
Handouts:
Power Line-up
A.5.1
A.5.3
Demand Behaviour
A.5.9
A.5.12
A.5.14
A.5.16
Developing Responses to Deal with Resistance from

Others
A.5.23
Section C:
H.5.1
Section D:
Power Game Triangle
H.5.2
Section E:
Transforming the Power Game Triangle

Into the Discovery Circle
H.5.3
Discovery Circle
H.5.4
Section F:
H.5.5
Section G:
H.5.6
H.5.7
H.5.8
An Alternative to Demand Behaviour

Power With
H.5.9
Section H:
Section I:
Exploring Positive Aspects from The Past
H.5.10
Section J:
Strategies to Deal with Difficult Behaviours
H.5.11
H.5.12
H.5.14
Section K:

Co-operative Power
Power With not Power Over
VV. Stimulus Activity
(1015 minutes)
Choose to do one of the following two activities or move directly to
Section B.
Knots: Participants co-operate to untangle themselves from a human
knot. (See Chapter II: Icebreakers.)
(10 minutes)
Power Line-up: participants form a line according to how powerful
they feel in the room, to experience something of their responses to
power. (See Co-operative Power Activities, p A.5.1.) (15 minutes)
WW. Introduction to Power

(15 minutes)
Reflection:
Ask participants to reflect on their understanding and response to

power. Stimulate their thinking with the following questions:
What does power mean to you?
Who has power over you?
Over whom do you have power?
Around whom do you feel powerful?
Around whom do you feel powerless?
How do you give away your power?
Pair Share:
Ask participants to share their responses with a partner, with the aim
of settling on single words which represent power for each of them at
this moment, and which they can share with the large group.
Group Share:
Ask participants to share their words with the group.

The concept of power conjures very different meanings for people. For
some it has very negative connotations; others see it in a positive light.
In thinking about power we focus our attention in a variety of ways. For
example, we may think about:
our emotional response
the effect it has on us personally
the broader consequences, or
where it comes from.

The focus in this course is on the development of co-operative power

power with not power over. We will examine power relationships, the
bases from which power originates, and personal power what makes
each of us a powerful person.
XX. Power Bases

(30 minutes)
Question:
Think of two or three people with whom you often comply, or to

whom you defer or say ''yes''. What is this power to extract a
"yes'' from you based upon?
Discussion:
First, ask participants to write down their answers. Then ask them to
share these answers with the larger group. Try to relate their
responses to one of the six key powerbases (below) and write these
on the board as they emerge. (If a participant identifies a power base
that doesn't easily fit into these six, acknowledge it and add it to the
board also.) Use relevant questions to probe and identity the power
bases that are operating in participants' examples.
Write on the board:
Possible probing questions
Valued Relationship
Do you care about the relationship

being friendly? How would the
relationship suffer if you did not
comply?
Expertise
Do you trust the advice the person

gives because he or she knows more
about the issues? What are the
person's special areas of competence,
information or expertise?
Position
Do you respect the authority the person

has? How would you describe your
respective places in the hierarchy or
pecking order?
Reward/punishment
Does the person reward you openly

or covertly if you agree? Which
rewards, if any, influence you? Does
the person punish you or show
disapproval in any way? If so, how?
Persuasiveness
Do you respect and trust the person? If

so, which personal qualities do you
particularly admire or respect? Is it, for
example, the person's common sense,
ability to sell an idea well, charisma or
integrity that is persuasive?

Question:
Of the people you have listed do you feel better complying with
some rather than with others? Is it something to do with the way
they use the power bases? How does that vary?
Explore participants responses to lead into a discussion about
manipulation and influence.
Question:
What are some differences between manipulation and influence?

Consider breaking into small groups to formulate answers. Give out
the handout: ''Manipulation and Influence''.
Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses and write them on the board under
two headings. Include:
Manipulation
Influence
People feel tricked.
People feel persuaded.
Outcomes favour the manipulator

often at the expense of another.
Outcomes favour others as

well as the influencer.
Inclined to discourage input from

others.
Inclined to encourage and

value input from others.
More biased information

presented.
More balanced information

presented.
Less frequently considers needs

and concerns of other person.
More frequently considers

needs and concerns of other
person.
Tends to stunt relationships.
Tends to build relationships.
Less commitment to making the

solution work.
Greater commitment to
making the solution work.
Consider typing up the group's responses as listed on the board, to

give out next time the group meets.
Because there isn't a black and white distinction between manipulation
and influence we need to gauge the acceptability of our use of power
bases according to the context and the desirability of the outcomes for
the people involved. It's largely a question of intent and personal
integrity. Was a win/win approach used?
Power bases are levers that help people gain what they want. They
can be used fairly or unfairly. Co-operation and consensus depend on
people influencing others. However, when people feel tricked or stood
over, chances are that someone has used a power base
manipulatively.

YY. Power Game Relationships Persecuting, Rescuing and

Playing Victim Triangle
(40 minutes)
Question:
What are some of the power relationships that we see operating

in our lives?
Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses. In addition, you might give the

following examples:
parent child
child teacher
employee employer
male female
husband wife.
We have absorbed the patterns of these relationships from our culture,
our family, our past experiences and so on.
Often these work well for us. However, when we feel powerless or
powerful at the expense of others we sometimes slip into power
games and assume particular roles to play these games, usually
without consciously being aware of what is happening.
Transactional Analysis offers a model for understanding this process.
For more information on Transactional Analysis, see Thomas A Harris
I'm OK, You're OK (New York: Avon, 1973).
This model identifies three roles that people can assume
persecuting, rescuing and playing victim.
Draw a large triangle on the board and label each corner of the
triangle.
Lead a brief discussion on each of these roles, as below, before

running the activity Power Game Triangle and Discovery Circle
(p.A5.3) listed over in which these roles are explored in more depth.

Question:
How do people behave when persecuting?
Discussion:
Draw out participants responses. In addition, you might explore:

Reward
Punish
Bully
Put others down
Bulldoze
When persecuting, people display an attitude of Im OK, youre not
OK.
Add Im OK, youre not OK to the board under the word Persecuting:
Question:
How do people behave when rescuing?
Discussion:
Draw out participants responses. In addition you might consider:

Help and support others constantly
Deny their own needs
Act like martyrs
Solve problems for others
Act as a buffer between people playing victim and those who are
persecuting
May side with the person playing victim against the person who is
persecuting.
When rescuing, people act on the premise that others need my help,
which is a variation of Im OK, youre not OK.

Add I'm OK, you're not OK" to the board under the word Rescuing.
When we consider victim, we need to distinguish between role-playing

victims and real victims. Real victims are those who have suffered
injustice, hardship, accident, abuse or loss, and are in need of care
and support until they can manage on their own. Role-playing victims
have an emotional investment in maintaining their underdog position
and may not readily respond to offers of help and support, or may
sabotage attempts to alter their situation. It is the behaviour of roleplaying victims that we wish to consider.
Question:
How do people behave when playing victim?
Discussion:

Behave as if helpless
Stay stuck in inappropriate situations
claim inadequacy
focus on how bad and hopeless it all is
give up defeated
attract accidents and bad relationships
When playing victim, people present an attitude of ''I'm not OK, you're
OK".
Add ''I'm not OK you're OK'' to the board under the words Playing
Victim.

Group Activity:
The following activity has two parts. Part 1 is played at this point. Part
2 is played near the beginning of Section E: Discovery Circle.
Power Game Triangle and Discovery Circle:
Part 1: participants do three role-plays in which they take turns playing
victim, persecuting and rescuing to experience what each is like. (See
Co-operative Power Activities, p A.5.3.)
(20 minutes)
ZZ.
Discovery Circle
(1 hour)
We often use persecuting, rescuing and playing victim behaviours
because this is a pattern of relating that we learnt at a young age. As
well, it's very difficult to disengage from these behaviours if those
around us continue with them.
We'll look now at specific ways of changing our behaviours to
transform the power game triangle into a circle of discovery.
Write on the board:
Notice the movement of the circle, to suggest breaking free of the

particular roles.
The Power Game Triangle tends to result in exclusion, alienation and
control.
What we can aim for in the Discovery Circle is consultation,
participation and co-operation.
When we're locked into the dynamic of the power game triangle, it's
not easy to shift to the Discovery Circle, so we'll spend some time
developing specific strategies to make the shift.
Group Activity:
Power Game Triangle & Discovery Circle:

Part 2: participants do three role plays in which they take turns at
trying to break the Power Game Triangle by adopting alternative
behaviours to create less manipulative relationships. (See Cooperative Power Activities, p A.5.3)
(45 minutes)

Question:
Let's consider specific sets of behaviours. How can people who

find themselves persecuting, change their behaviour to exercise
power with integrity in a non-persecuting way? What do they
need to do instead?
Discussion:

listen
share expertise
respect needs
be assertive, not aggressive, in stating own needs
give constructive feedback
share decision making.
Question:
What word could you use to describe this alternative set of

behaviours? Instead of persecuting
Discussion:
Write participants' suggestions for these behaviours on the board.

Then, if it hasn't already been offered, add the word ''Consulting'' as
this provides a link with the handout: Discovery Circle'' and may
help to flesh out their understanding of the concept:
Consulting
Often when people are persecuting, they have become so focused on

their own ideas that they don't consult but attempt to steamroller
others.
Question:
How can people who find themselves rescuing, change their

behaviour to exercise power more appropriately, without an
underlying manipulation?
Discussion:

be objective
acknowledge and support others' needs
listen

be assertive, state own needs

help others to hear each other
discuss the consequences of persisting with current behaviours
introduce strategies for effective problem-solving.
Question:

behaviours? Instead of rescuing
As previously, write participants' suggestions on the board. Then add
the word ''Facilitating'' to link with the handout: ''Discovery Circle".
Consulting
Facilitating
Often when people are rescuing, they attempt to solve the immediate
problem for others, while failing to address or actually promoting
continued disharmony. As well, when rescuing, people often ignore
most of their own needs. By facilitating the process, others in the
conflict are empowered and each person can express his or her own
needs.
Question:
How can people who find themselves playing victim change their
behaviour to exercise power cleanly?
Discussion:

seek appropriate support, information, skills and assistance
acknowledge needs of others
listen
be assertive about own needs
participate in the decision making process
take action
co-operate with others in problem-solving.
Question:

behaviours? Instead of playing victim...

Discussion:
As previously, write participants' suggestions on the board. Then add

the words ''Taking Responsibility'' to provide a link with the
handout: ''Discovery Circle".
Consulting
Facilitating
Taking Responsibility
Often when people are playing victim, they are so focused on their
own needs in the situation that they don't acknowledge that others also
have needs and, therefore, a stake in what the outcome is. As well,
they avoid taking responsibility for any decisions, frequently not cooperating in problem-solving activities.
Question:
What do you notice about the strategies we've developed to step

out of persecuting, rescuing and playing victim?
Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses. They may note that each of the lists
they've developed is very similar.
Common to all three roles are the skills of listening to others,
acknowledging others' needs, and asserting our own needs. These are
fundamental conflict resolution skills and the cornerstone of a win/win
approach.
For those of us who habitually persecute we will need to focus our
attention particularly on developing listening skills. For those of us who
habitually play victim, we will need to focus on being assertive.
For those of us who habitually rescue, we will need to focus on being
assertive and helping others to listen. However, the skills required in
each area are exactly the same, with just a slightly different emphasis.
Once one person decides not to persecute, to rescue or to play victim,
the power game dynamic is broken and, in fact, we can simultaneously
consult, facilitate and take responsibility.
Where the power game triangle has become the habitual way that
three people relate, one person's choice to behave otherwise won't
necessarily bring immediate positive results. It may take time to adjust
and for the three to learn new behaviours based on a win/win
approach that enhances the relationship, and is guided by mutual
influence rather than manipulation. Persecuting, rescuing and playing
victim set up a system of social interactions. There is pressure to keep
the status quo, but consistently changed behaviour by one person can
change the system.

Give out the handout: "Discovery Circle''. Encourage participants to

add the words which they think most appropriate to describe the
Discovery Circle behaviours.
AAA. Personal Power

(15 minutes)
Question:
Think of someone in whom you recognise personal power. What

are some of the positive qualities on which you feel that personal
power is based?
Discussion:
Ask participants to write down their responses and then share them
with the group. In addition, you might consider:
energy
sense of direction
charisma
balance
sensitivity
perceptiveness
enthusiasm
sense of justice
ability to manage, not suppress, emotions.
Reflection:
Ask participants to reflect on their own personal power. Stimulate their

thinking with the following questions:
Of the qualities you wrote down, or those that other people listed, do
many apply to you?
Are there others of those qualities that you would particularly like to
develop?
Question:
What do we do that diminishes our personal power?
Discussion:

we comply unwillingly with others
we don't acknowledge our skills and talents
we're not assertive
we are afraid to risk
we feel trapped by past difficulties
we use disempowering language.

Remind participants of skills already learnt (e.g. Appropriate

Assertiveness, Creative Response etc.) that are empowering. Tell
participants they are going to focus particularly on one aspect of
language that tends to reinforce feelings of powerlessness. (See
below: Section G "Transforming "I should'' to "I choose".)
First, highlight the way in which personal power aligns with cooperative power. The following quotation may be an aid in doing this.
''Ultimate power is the ability to produce the results you desire most
and create value for others in the process. Power is the ability to
change your life, to shape your perceptions, to make things work for
you and not against you. Real power is shared, not imposed. It's the
ability to define human needs and to fulfil them both your needs and
the needs of the people you care about. It's the ability to direct your
own personal kingdom your own thought processes, your own
behaviour so you produce the precise results you desire.''
Anthony Robbins Unlimited Power
(New York: Simon & Schuster 1986) p2021.
Give out the handout: ''Ten Empowering Thoughts.
BBB. Transforming "I should'' to "I choose''

(30 minutes)
We are often restrained in developing and exercising our personal
power by our use of disempowering language.
Question:
Think of some of the things that we say that give away our power.
Can anyone give an example?
Discussion:

I'm just...
I'm only...
I'm not very good at...
I have to...
If there is sufficient time, you may want to consider the different effects
of each of these types of disempowering language e.g. What's the
message behind "I'm only...''? Is it ''Don't expect too much of me", "I
can't be blamed'' etc? Alternatively, focus attention immediately on "I
should...'' as it is one of the most common and most disempowering
uses of language.
Question:
What are some of the "I shoulds" in your life?

Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses. In addition, you might give extra

examples:
I should write that report
I should do the vacuuming
I should visit...
Question:
When we do something because we feel we "should", what is

driving us?
Elicit the notion of outside authority.
Write on the board:
I should
Authority
Our actions are directed by others, people who are significant to us,
either from the past or the present, or perhaps by an institutionalised
form of authority e.g. religion, school, and media images. Sometimes
the directions we are following are so internalised that we have now
forgotten or suppressed the original source. They nevertheless retain
an apparent separateness from us, a sort of external authority not fully
incorporated into our sense of self.
Question:
If we are being directed to do something by outside authority,

how might we respond?
Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses, and lead the discussion to add the
words ''Submit' and ''Rebel'' to the board.
(You are constructing, on the board, bit by bit, the chart in the
handout: Personal Power: I Should vs. I Choose".)
I should
Authority
Submit
Rebel
Question:
If we submit, what are we likely to experience?
Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses and then write on the board

''Frustration and Resentment'. (See below.)

Question:
If we rebel, what are we likely to experience?
Discussion:
Draw out responses and write on the board "Resentment and Guilt.
I should
Authority
Submit
Rebel
Frustration
Resentment
Resentment
Guilt
Whichever of these paths we take, it is likely that we will take revenge.

Write on the board:
Resentment
Guilt
Take revenge
Taking revenge is a way of playing out the roles of either victim or

persecutor.
Write on the board:
I should
Authority
Submit
Rebel
Frustration
Resentment
Resentment
Guilt
Take revenge
Victim
Prosecutor

Discussion:
Encourage participants comments by asking the following questions.

In what ways is this model one with which you can identify?
What are some of the outside authorities from which your "I shoulds''
arise? What effects do "I shoulds'' have on you?
An alternative to "I should'' is "I choose'' "I choose'' indicates a sense
of control over what we do.
Question:
When we do something because we ''choose'' to do it, what is

driving us?
Elicit the notion of self-direction and autonomy.
Write on the board:
I choose
Autonomy
Where actions are self- rather than other-directed, we may either

agree to do something or we may disagree.
Write on the board:
I choose
Autonomy
Agree
Disagree
Whether we agree or disagree, the outcome of acting from choice is

that we often become creative with options; we accept the
consequences and take responsibility for our actions.

Write on the board:
I choose
Autonomy
Agree
Disagree
Creative with
options
Accept
consequences
Take
responsibility
Personal Freedom
Discovery
This is much more likely to lead to a feeling of personal freedom and
an attitude of discovery.
Question:
If we find ourselves operating from "I should, what can we do to shift

to "I choose"?
Discussion:
Draw out responses from the group, noting specific suggestions. Then,
offer the three points listed below as key components.
Write on the board:
Should
Choose
Identify the outside pressure

Change the view
Add extra ingredients
Identify the outside pressure often, by identifying the outside
pressure, we realise that we don't actually have to comply; we can
make a choice.

Change the view try to see the situation differently. Think of our own
best reasons for doing something. For example, "I should clean up the
kitchen'' can become "I'd like to come into a clean and tidy kitchen in
the morning" I should write that report'' can become ''I'd like to get that
report out of the way, so I can settle down to other jobs".
Add extra ingredients think of some way of improving the situation
for ourselves. Is there something we can do that can make the task
more pleasant e.g. turn on the radio while washing up, use the visit as
a chance to sit and put our feet up, sit in the sun to write the report?
Group Activity:
Transforming "I should'' to "I choose": participants complete a

handout to consider ways of transforming an "I should'' currently
operating in their lives to an "I choose". They then discuss responses
with a partner. (See below for details)
(15 minutes)
Give out the handout: Transforming I Should to I Choose.
Ask participants to complete it.
Allow 10 minutes.
Then ask participants to discuss it with a partner using the following
questions as a stimulus:
Was any part of it difficult?
Do you think it would work? Why/why not?
Is there anything else you need to do to behave from a standpoint of "I
choose'' rather than "I should"?
Allow 5 minutes.
Discussion:
Ask for comments from participants.
Concluding Comments:
Much personal power is lost by not ''choosing'' to do what we have
nevertheless "decided'' to do. We do not put our whole selves behind
the task. Because actions and thoughts are out of alignment, we lack
energy. We may do the task badly and are less likely to engage our
creativity. We may be irritated, snappy and likely to arouse resentment
from others by our negative attitude. A ''should'' is a breeding ground
for conflict.
"Shoulds'' let us see ourselves as victims with outside forces acting on
us against our will. We are taking charge of our lives when we alter a
"should'' to a ''choose''.
Give out the handout: Personal Power: I Should vs. I Choose.

CCC. Shifting Away from Demand Behaviour

(30minutes)
Much as we place ''shoulds'' upon ourselves, we also place them upon
other people. Known as demand behaviour this arises from our own
often subtle, type of persecuting behaviour.
Most of us have experienced demand behaviour in, for example, our
relationships with our children, or our parents, our partners, our work
subordinates or our colleagues.
Group Activity:
Demand Behaviour: participants complete two handouts. The first

helps participants explore the concept of demand behaviour and raises
their awareness of when they use it. The second helps them examine
ways of developing co-operative power strategies. (See Co-operative
Power Activities, p A.5.9.)
(25 minutes)
DDD. Exploring Positive Outcomes from the Past

(20 minutes)
(This is particularly appropriate for a personal development group.)
Sometimes we feel trapped by past events. We may have been a real
victim to accident, abuse, hardship, loss or injustice in the past. We
may continue to blame those past experiences for our situation now; or
excuse our current behaviour in some contexts because it has resulted
from previous circumstances.
Exploring positive outcomes from the past is not about condoning
violence or cruelty or dismissing tragedy. It is about putting memories
of these things to rest; and looking for the growth, understanding or
direction to which they gave rise.
Group Activity:
Exploring Positive Outcomes from the Past: participants complete

a handout to identify past events by which they continue to feel
trapped and which they could view differently now. (See Co-operative
Power Activities, p A.5.12.)
(20 minutes)
EEE. Dealing with Difficult Behaviours

(40 minutes)
This section complements material on managing difficult emotional
behaviours. (See Managing Emotions: Section F, p 6.9.)
Sometimes we are confronted with behaviours in others that we find
difficult to handle. Depending on our response, we may find ourselves
reinforcing these behaviours, giving way or engaging in a power
struggle.

The following material is based on work by Rudolph Dreikurs, a

psychiatrist, author with Vicki Solts of Children: The Challenge (NY:
Hawthorn. 1964) and Don Dinkmeyr and Gary McKay Systematic
Training for Effective Parenting (Circle Pines, Minn: American
Guidance Service, 1976). (See handout: "Dealing with Difficult
Behaviours".)
Behaviour occurs for a purpose. Fundamental goals include to be
secure, to find a place of significance, to belong, and to protect our
sense of identity.
When people are feeling discouraged and threatened, they may
substitute other goals for these fundamental ones. It can be the start of
a downhill cycle. They may begin to believe that the only way to
achieve what they want is by behaving in ways that others find difficult.
They may use behaviours which they've found successful in other
settings or in the past. Or they may experiment with new behaviours
and continue to use those that achieve what they want.
Our response often contributes to whether these difficult behaviours
persist or die away.
Dr Rudolph Dreikurs describes four substitute goals of difficult
behaviour.
Write on the board:
gaining power
gaining attention
appearing inadequate
seeking revenge
Question:
What benefits might a person feel from gaining power?
Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses. Include:

the person temporarily feels secure when bossing and controlling
others.
Question:
What benefits might a person feel from gaining attention?
Discussion:
Draw out participants responses. Include:

the person briefly feels a sense of significance when receiving
lots of attention.
Question:
What benefits might a person feel from displaying apparent

inadequacy?

Discussion:

the person feels he or she belongs, if others look after him or her.
as well, by hiding behind ''lack of ability,'' the person is trying to
avoid further hurt, hoping that any real ''deficiencies'' will not be
uncovered, or that he or she won't be pushed into areas in which
failure might result.
Question:
What benefits might a person feel from seeking revenge?
Discussion:

the person feels justice is done by standing against an ''enemy'' or
redressing real or supposed wrongs.
by inflicting hurt and provoking hostility, the person protects his or
her sense of identity. They know who they are by who they stand
against
Group Activity:
Dealing with Difficult Behaviours: working in small groups,

participants complete a worksheet to develop strategies formalising
behaviours we find difficult in others. (See Co-operative Power
Activities, p A.5.14.)
FFF. Responding to Resistance from Others

(2035 minutes)
You could choose to cover this material during a session on
negotiation as it is very relevant in negotiation settings. (See Chapter
10. Negotiation: Section D.)
A way in which we sometimes use power destructively is by making
extreme statements or generalisations to support our feelings or our
viewpoints. We often do this when a new idea is being floated, or a
change is being suggested. We may not be intending such behaviour
as a power play. Instead, we may just be reacting because we're
feeling concerned, or threatened. Or we may, in fact, want to assert
our authority in the situation. Rather than assert this authority or state
our concerns clearly, we may be very negative about the idea or
present unsubstantiated and, seemingly, unarguable objections such
as ''It will never work''. Essentially, we are showing our resistance to
the new idea or proposed change by blocking the communication.
Question:
Imagine you're the person wanting to introduce a new policy or

practice, and you're confronted with strong resistance from
others. What might be some of the negative responses that you
would hear?

Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses. In addition, you might give the

following examples:
We've tried that already
It's too expensive
You're being naive thats not how the system works.
We'll now spend some time exploring specific strategies to deal with
this type of negativity.
Group Activity:
Choose from one of the two following activities:

Responding to Resistance from Others: working in groups of three,
or of six, participants practise dealing with negativity and resistance.
The simulation includes three rounds. The first round is run before the
material on using questions to reframe resistance has been discussed.
(See Co-operative Power Activities, p A.5.16.)
(30 minutes)
Developing Responses to Deal with Resistance from Others:
working in pairs, participants prepare and deliver questions to deal
with resistance from others. (See Co-operative Power Activities, p
A.5.23.)
(15 minutes)
GGG.
Working with Powerful People

(20 minutes)
People in very powerful positions are sometimes difficult to approach
and, particularly, to confront.
Question:
What makes it difficult to deal with people in powerful positions?
Discussion:

their ability to reward and punish
their power to make decisions, to veto and to promote
their frequent intolerance of time-wasting
their busyness
the strength of their power bases often means they don't have a
need to consider change
our own feelings of deference or fear of authority and habitual
patterns of relating to those more powerful than us
our need for approval and fear of failure or of ''making waves".
Group Activity:
Dealing with Powerful People: working in small groups of three, ask

groups to develop a list of strategies that they have found effective in
dealing with powerful people.
(15 minutes)

Discussion:
Ask small groups to share their ideas with the large group and record
them on the board.
We can strengthen our own approach by:
dealing with our fear and centreing. (See Chapter 6. Managing
Emotions.)
strengthening our own power bases
e.g.
What resources are available?

What policies/laws/rules already exist to deal with this sort
of issue?
Is there a precedent which can serve as a model?
Who else will support me in this?
building empathy with the other person

identifying how the person likes to be approached what are
his/her needs (Refer to DISC. See Chapter 3. Empathy: Section B)
deciding which issues are a priority and which can be let go
preparing and presenting thoroughly and appropriately
ensuring that the person we're dealing with has the power to do
what we're asking
making it easy for the person to say ''yes'' and to act. (providing all
the information; asking the person to do only the steps that we
can't)
demonstrating flexibility by our readiness to consider other options
and alternatives
being clear about the gains and losses for all those involved,
including ourselves. (If a powerful person believes we have a
vested interest, and one which is not being declared, the person
may be suspicious that this is our main reason for pushing a
particular line).
Pair Share:
Ask participants, with a partner, to identify three ways they could

strengthen their own approach in relation to a powerful person with
whom they need to work.

HHH. Concluding Comments

(2 minutes)
In conflict, the issue of power needs to be considered. Conflicts wont
be dealt with effectively where the imbalance of power in the
relationship is not treated very sensitively. This can be helped by a
conscious attempt by parties to use power appropriately. Often,
understanding, acknowledging and even extending our own sense of
personal power provides a solid base on which to build relationships in
which power is used co-operatively.

Co-operative Power Activities

Power Line-up
Context:
Becoming more aware of our attitudes to power can give us more

choices in our behaviour (See Chapter 5: Co-operative Power: Section
A)
Time:
15 minutes
Aims:
To raise participants awareness of their response to power

To show that power is a key and a fluctuating component in our
relationships.
Instructions:
This exercise is about raising awareness of power in relationships. Our

feelings of power vary from one relationship to another, in different
settings and at different times. This exercise is like diving into a flowing
river with a bucket to bring back some water. We may have some
water but we don't have the river in our bucket. So, let's dive in and
capture some of the qualities of this constant flow of power
relationships.
Have participants form a straight line in the room. Note a spot on the
wall at the front of the room to be the very front of the line.
You are to form into a line according to how powerful you feel you are
in the room today. The most powerful at the front, the least powerful at
the back.
If someone else is in the spot you believe you need to be in, have that
person move. Stand where you feel you belong.
Note: If some participants feel minor discomfort about joining in, gently
encourage them to do so. If they feel strongly that they dont want to
participate, let them know that it's acceptable to observe instead.
Discussion:
Ask people to remain in the line during the discussion.

What did you like or not like about the exercise?
What sort of things did it raise for you or make you aware of?
How did you interpret "powerful" for the purpose of this exercise?
The trainer can then suggest to participants that they reflect on their
own responses to the exercise and to power by considering the
following questions:

Cooperative Power A.5.1
Look at the position you are in. Is that the position in which you really
wanted to be?
If it isn't, what factors prevented you placing yourself where you
wanted to be?
Does the position you place yourself here apply at work, and/or at
home?
Are you comfortable about where you are, here, at work, and at home?
Or does this bring up some power and control issues for you at the
moment?
When your usual position is challenged, how much does it matter to
you? Can you admit to yourself how much it matters?
Conclude by asking participants if they have any further comments to
make.

The more aware we are of our feelings around power, the more
choices we have in how we behave. Many covert power games take
place that are unrecognised by either party. The issue sometimes
appears to be about something else altogether. Exposing and
acknowledging the role that power plays in our relationships can often
help us untangle conflict.


Context:
Power games in which people assume roles of playing victim,

persecuting and rescuing are frequently a major dynamic in
interpersonal, group and organisational communication. Raising our
awareness of how and why we assume these roles can lead us to
develop other more constructive ways of relating that are supportive of
our and others needs. (See Chapter 5. Co-operative Power: Sections
D and E)
Time:
Part 1:
20 minutes
Part 2:
40 minutes
Aims:
To recognise when power games are being played and experience the
roles we play
To explore and practise alternative ways of behaving to disengage
from the power game dynamic.
Handouts:
Power Game Triangle, Transforming the Power Game Triangle

into the Discovery Circle and Discovery Circle
Requirements:
Sets of cards labelled Person 1, Person 2 and Person 3. (These cards

could have safety pins attached to them so people could wear them.)
Sets of cards labelled Playing Victim, Persecuting, Rescuing.
Instructions:
In this activity, we'll do a series of three role plays to experience what it

is like to persecute, rescue or play victim. Notice which of these feels
familiar, which feels uncomfortable, and in what ways.
PART 1
Divide into groups of three.
I will tell you the situation and the three characters. You will choose a
character Person 1, Person 2 or Person 3 who behaves in a
different way in each of the role plays persecuting, rescuing or
playing victim.
Outline the situation over or one that is similar.

Sample Situation
Three friends have, for the past two years, gone on an annual two
week holiday to a modern resort in Port Macquarie.
Person 1 is keen to go to Port Macquarie again this year because of
the great opportunities for fishing, swimming, racquet ball, tennis,
eating out etc.
Person 2 is keen to go on holiday. The destination is less important
because Person 2 regards this as a great chance to rest, to read, to
have peace and quiet, and a break from work and domestic chores.
Person 2 likes to have the company of Person 1 and 3 in these quiet
pursuits.
Person 3 is keen to go on holiday but is sick of Port Macquarie.
Person 3 has never really enjoyed the sporting activities and busyness
of Port Macquarie. Person 3 wants to go inland to a smaller township,
to stay in a guesthouse and go bushwalking, horse-riding and
browsing in craft and antique stores and bookshops.
Ask each group of three to choose who will play Persons 1, 2 and 3. (If
card sets are being used. (See Requirements on the previous page),
ask participants to pin the appropriate cards onto their clothing.)
Give out the sets of Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer cards.
At the beginning of each role play, write on the board the power game
roles appropriate for each person. Ensure that the Playing Victim,
Persecuting and Rescuing cards are passed on after each role play, to
the next person playing the role.
Person 1
Person 2
Person 3
Role Play 1
Persecuting
Rescuing
Playing Victim
Role Play 2
Playing Victim
Persecuting
Rescuing
Role Play 3
Rescuing
Playing Victim
Persecuting.
Allow 34 minutes for each role play.
Discussion:
Between each role play ask the following questions:

How did it feel to play those roles?
What did you notice?

After Round 3, ask additional questions:

What were the payoffs from playing each role?
What were the limitations and consequences of each role?
What sort of language did you use?
Was it difficult to maintain the roles? Did anyone swap roles midway?
Why did that happen?
Did you find one of the roles seemed more familiar to you? Can you
think of occasions in your life when a power game like this has been
played out?

These Persecuting, Rescuing and Playing Victim roles aren't static.
We play different roles in different situations, and in any one situation
we can change roles midstream.
Its easy to fall into playing out a familiar role.
Once one person begins playing one of these roles we often slip into
filling one of the remaining two roles because we don't know how to
disengage from the power game triangle.
PART 2
Refer to Section E: Discovery Circle.
Instructions:
We did the role plays of persecuting, rescuing and playing victim to

explore what the power game dynamic is like, and to experience how
each of the roles feels.
Becoming aware of what the roles are like is a great starting point for
working out how to move out of them. We want to work out ways of
stepping out of the roles of the power game triangle to transform it into
a circle of discovery.
Some of us will have recognised that we tend to play one of the
persecuting, rescuing or victim roles in relationship with particular
other people or in a particular setting. Or perhaps we recognise that
someone else regularly plays one of these roles.
Specifically we're going to focus on these questions.
If I find myself playing one of the power game roles, and find others
continuing in the other power game roles:
Write on the board:
What can I do to alter the dynamic?
How can I behave differently?
What kind of language will I use?

We're going to discuss these questions in three groups.

Each group will focus on one role only.
So if you're particularly interested in exploring how someone can
change 'from' persecuting behaviours, move here. Indicate an area.
If you're particularly interested in exploring how someone can change
from rescuing behaviours, move over here. Indicate an area.
If you're particularly interested in exploring how someone can change
from victim behaviours, move over here. Indicate an area.
Groups for discussion of power game role behaviours
Persecuting
Rescuing
Playing
Victim
I need roughly equal sized groups...so you may need to be flexible in

your choice.
After we've discussed these questions (i.e. those listed above) we'll do
a series of role plays to practise our skills in changing the dynamic.
Give out the handout: "Transforming the Power Game Triangle
into the Discovery Circle".
Fill out the handout, only for the one role that you're considering. Write
your answers in the section titled ''Instead of persecuting...'' (or
''Instead of rescuing...'' or ''Instead of playing victim...''). Leave the
question ''What word could you use to describe this alternative set of
behaviours?" until later in the activity.
Allow 10 minutes' discussion.
Role Plays:
From these three groups, ask participants to divide into triads. One
person from the group considering persecuting behaviours joins with a
person from the group considering rescuing behaviours and with a
person from the group considering victim behaviours. (See diagram
below.)
Use the same situation as in the power game triangle. (See p A.5.3
A.5.4.) Or choose a different situation such as the sample over.

Sample Situation
Three members of a sales team have to settle on a time for their
weekly meeting.
Person 1 wants to meet at 10.00am on Monday mornings, to plan and
to set priorities for the week. This is the day he/she has allocated for
office and administrative work.
Person 2 wants to meet any afternoon, as he/she finds mornings are
most important for client contact.
Person 3 wants to meet at 9.00am on Wednesday mornings.
He/she has regular clients early in the week to be contacted, and
wants to have the meeting after the current stock report is prepared;
it's available on Tuesday afternoons.
At the beginning of each role play, put a cross through the role, on the
board, of the person who will disengage from the power game triangle,
as follows:
Person 1
Person 2
Person 3
Role Play 1
Persecuting
Rescuing
Playing Victim
Role Play 2
Playing Victim
Persecuting
Rescuing
Role Play 3
Rescuing
Playing Victim
Persecuting
Instructions for the person trying to disengage from the power

game role.
Start the role play using the power game role, then try to break out of
the role.
Instructions for the other two who continue to play the power
game roles.
If the person disengaging from the power game role says something
which, in real life, would help to break the power game dynamic,
respond positively.
Allow 5 minutes for each role play. Encourage participants to be
realistic.
Discussion:
Between each role play, and at the end, ask the following questions as
appropriate:
How was the communication different?

What were the difficulties in trying these new behaviours?

Did the dynamic change?
Was it difficult to maintain the power game roles when one person
disengaged?
What happened?

Ask participants in their triads to complete the question on the bottom
of the handout: "Transforming the Power Game Triangle into the
Discovery Circle": "What word could you use to describe this
alternative set of behaviours?"
Discussion:
Complete this discussion by referring to Chapter 5. Co-operative

Power: Section E.


Demand Behaviour
Context:
Understanding how and why we place demands upon other people is

one step in developing strategies of co-operative power. (See Chapter
5. Co-operative Power: Section H.)
Time:
40 Minutes
Aims:
To explore the concept of demand behaviour

To consider alternative problem-solving strategies based on cooperative power.
Handouts:
Demand Behaviour Power Over and An Alternative to

Demand Behaviour Power With. Fold these prior to the session
so that the third column in each is concealed.
Instructions:
We will now complete two handouts to consider ways in which we

place demands on others, and strategies we can use to shift out of this
demand behaviour.
Phase 1
Give out the handout: ''Demand Behaviour Power Over". Ask
participants to keep it folded so that the third column is concealed.
Think of someone at whom you are currently directing a ''should''.
What is the behaviour or action you think that person ''should''
change?
Ask participants to complete the handouts, keeping them folded.
Encourage them not to censor their answers, but to be as honest as
possible. The handout is for their eyes only.
Allow 510 minutes.
Then ask participants to unfold their handouts. Ask participants if their
responses had any of the elements of the Demand Behaviour flow
chart. Highlight links with the "I should" flow chart. (See Chapter 5. Cooperative Power: Section G.)
Pair Discussion: Ask participants to share their responses with a partner.

Optional Reflection:
Lead participants to reflect on why they want to be in control in the
examples on which they've been working. Stimulate their thinking with
the following questions:
Do I want to be in control because the other person likes me directing
what is to be done?
Or, is it because the other person needs me to direct what happens?
Or, if I don't do the controlling, do I think the other person will control or
undermine me?
Or, if I don't tell the other person what to do, do I believe there will be
chaos?
Or, if the other person doesn't like me taking charge, do I think that
person can say so?
Or, is it because I sometimes use controlling to mask my own feelings
of inadequacy?
Or, is it that I believe that I can see how things should be and the other
person doesn't measure up?
For more about control see Will Schutz The Truth Option (USA: Ten
Speed Press, 1984).
Discussion:
Give participants the opportunity to share anything significant for them.

What could we do to move from ''power over'' demand behaviour to
"power with'' behaviour?
Draw out responses from the group, and ensure that the following are
included.
Write on the board:
Reframe the problem
Focus on the issue, not the person
Be clear on the outcome, flexible on the route
Listen
Make "I" Statements

Phase 2
Instructions:
Give out the handout: "An Alternative to Demand Behaviour

Power With". Tell participants to keep it folded (so that the third
column is concealed.)
Ask participants to complete the handout, using as the example the
same person and situation they used to complete the first handout.
Allow 510 minutes.
Then ask participants to unfold their sheets and highlight the links
between this "power with'' flow chart and the "I choose'' flow chart that
they have previously seen. (See Chapter 5. Co-operative Power:
Section G.)
Pair Discussion: Ask participants to share their responses with a partner.

Discussion:
How successful were you in reframing, shifting the focus off the person
onto the issue?
What are some of the specific strategies that you came up with for
addressing the issue?
How does the issue seem different now (e.g. less important, less
emotionally draining?)
Who feels a sense of release?


Context:
Sometimes we can feel trapped by past events. Looking for the

growth, understanding of direction to which they gave rise can be an
empowering experience which frees us to move on. (See Chapter 5.
Co-operative Power Activities: Section 1.)
Time:
20 minutes
Aims:
To identify a past event by which we feel trapped

To learn a process for dealing with such events.
Handout:
Exploring Positive Aspects from the Past
Instructions:
We will now complete a handout to consider positive outcomes from

past unwelcome events. At the end of the process, we'll have a chance
to discuss what we noticed with a partner.
Give out the handout: ''Exploring Positive Aspects from the Past".
To help participants identify an appropriate event on which to focus
their attention, ask:
Is there something that has happened recently, or a long while ago,
that when you think about it, still has the effect of making you angry or
upset? It may be something very significant, like a death, a divorce or
being sacked from a job. Or it may be something like someone letting
you down, or forgetting your birthday, or not adequately
acknowledging your contribution to an important project.
Whatever it is, jot it down in the top space in the centre of the handout.
Allow 23 minutes.
Now, gradually move down the questions on the left hand side of the
page, to explore your past and your current responses to that event.
Refer to the examples on the right hand side, only if you need to clarify
the purpose of the questions. Mainly, dwell on your own event and
your own response. You have about 10 minutes.
Pair Discussion: Ask participants to discuss their responses with a partner.

Can you think of something specific to do to change your perspective
on this event in your life?

Discussion:
Invite participants' comments.

Encourage participants each to identify one particular thing they can
do to help further resolve their responses to these events. Suggest
specifics, such, as writing a journal, making a phone call, preparing an
"I" Statement etc.
(For more on this topic, see Joseph B Fabry The Pursuit of Meaning
(San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1968).)


Context:
When faced with behaviours in others that we find difficult to handle,

our response may contribute to the behaviours continuing or ceasing
(See Chapter 5. Co-operative Power, Section J)
Time:
45 minutes
Aims:
To understand what motivates difficult behaviours

To develop appropriate strategies for dealing with difficult behaviours.
Handouts:
Strategies to Deal with Difficult Behaviours and Dealing with

Difficult Behaviours
Instructions:
In this activity, we will work in small groups. Using the behavioural

model, proposed by Rudolph Dreikurs, we will develop an
understanding of specific types of difficult behaviour and explore
strategies to deal with them.
Phase 1
Divide the group into four sub-groups. Allocate a behavioural goal to
be considered by each group. Behaviours with the goals of:
Group 1: gaining power
Group 2: gaining attention
Group 3: appearing inadequate (to enlist help or avoid failure)
Group 4: seeking revenge.
Ask sub-groups to prepare a list of behaviours (for examples, see
over) in the goal area allocated to them, which they can later share
with the larger group.
Allow 10 minutes.

Discussion:
Ask sub-groups to share their lists. Write responses on the board. For
example:
power: interrupting, putting down others, being over-critical playing
win/lose, behaving righteously, giving advice, being aggressive,
gathering allies, being manipulative.
attention: being loud, fidgeting, asking lots of questions, behaving
stubbornly, sulking, being sick, being clumsy, fainting, chatting
inappropriately, rebelling, being over-helpful or over-nice.
inadequacy: avoiding, procrastinating, being apologetic, being
forgetful, behaving submissively, getting it wrong, putting self down, "I
can't", "Yes but", shirking responsibility.
revenge: sabotaging, sulking, bitching, withholding information,
backstabbing, withholding praise and privileges, excluding others,
"one-upping,'' being a wet blanket.
Instructions:
Phase 2
Retain the sub-groups from Phase 1. Give out handout: "Strategies
to Deal with Difficult Behaviours'' to each person.
Ask the sub-groups to identify strategies which individuals have found
successful in dealing with one or more of these difficult behaviours.
Are there any common threads in these successful strategies?
Allow 15 minutes.
Discussion:
Ask sub-groups to share their strategies with the large group. Draw
common threads out of the discussion. Give out the handout:
Dealing With Difficult Behaviours'' and highlight the section titled
''Better Alternatives for Handling Difficult Behaviour''.
Instructions:
Phase 3
Ask each person in the room to complete the section on the handout
marked ''Particular behaviour with which I have difficulty''.
Then, ask each person to develop an action plan for dealing with this
behaviour. Suggest to participants that they identify a few strategies,
as part of an overall action plan. These can be listed, or it may be
appropriate to represent them diagrammatically.
Allow 5 minutes.
Pair Discussion: Encourage participants to share their action plans with a partner,
seeking constructive feedback on how to refine them further.
Retain the sub-groups from Phase 1. Give out handout: "Strategies
to Deal with Difficult Behaviours'' to each person.
Ask the sub-groups to identify strategies which individuals have found
successful in dealing with one or more of these difficult behaviours.
Allow 510 minutes.

Context:
When people use extreme statements or generalisations that create

conflict, we often retort in similar extremes. Using open ended
questions and other creative responses, we can contribute to solving
difficulties constructively and focusing on positive possibilities (See
Chapter 5: Co-operative Power: Section K or Chapter 10: Negotiation
Sections D and E.)
Time:
30 minutes
Aim:
To experience the value of using open-ended questions, active

listening and I statements.
Handouts:
Responding to Resistance from Others (and Thirty Second

Opener if using this activity during a session on Negotiation)
Requirements:
Simulation: A Proposal for Information Dissemination (Sheet 1)

and (Sheet 2)
Instructions:
Ask the group for examples of negative conflict-creating statements

the types of things people often say in response to a new idea (as per
Chapter 5. Co-operative Power: Section K or Chapter 10. Negotiation:
Section D.) Write these on the board.
Explain that in this activity there will be three rounds.
In each round, one person (or two, depending which scenario is
chosen) will be responsible for promoting a new idea. The remaining
two (or four) will oppose it, with negative conflict-creating statements.
Roles will change and additional Information to aid in responding to
this resistance will be given in each round.
Divide into groups of three (or six depending on which scenario is
chosen.)
For the first round, pick the person (or two people) who will be
promoting the new idea.
Choose one of the two following scenarios as a simulation in which
participants practise using questions to reframe resistance from
others.

Scenario 1 (particularly suitable for business groups)

Two colleagues propose a new system for circulating information
amongst members of a management team.
(See attached sheets ''Simulation A Proposal for Information
dissemination''. (The handout masters for this simulation are on pages
A5.212.) Give Sheet 1 to the two colleagues proposing change. Give
Sheet 2 to the other team members.
Scenario 2 (suitable for most other groups)

The three of you have decided to run a Conflict Resolution Course in
your local area. So far, you have advertised in relevant magazines and
newsletters, but you're receiving little response. You have a limited
budget so, Person A, you are suggesting that you do a leaflet drop
that is, have some leaflets printed and then walk around posting them
in private letter boxes. You're so enthusiastic about this that it comes
as a surprise when the others don't share your enthusiasm and they
react very negatively. You, the two others, strongly react to this idea
using negative statements, such as those previously listed on the
board and others.
Person A, start the discussion.
Round 1
Discussion as indicated in the above scenarios. Allow 10 minutes for
Scenario 1. Allow 35 minutes for Scenario 2.
Discussion:
What happened? Did you get anywhere?

How did Person A (or colleagues suggesting change) handle the
negative responses? Fight, flight or...?
Did two sides develop me vs them?
Did Person A start justifying or defending the proposal? In what ways?
Did Person A back down give the system up? Or start persecuting?
Did those opposing it feel that Person A listened to you, that your
concerns were addressed? Did you persuade Person A?
What could you have done, Person A, to deal differently with their
resistance (e.g. active listening, asking questions, preparing your case
more thoroughly?)

Instructions:
Round 2
In this round, we're going to focus on using open-ended questions to
deal with this resistance.
Give out the handout: "Responding to Resistance from Others".
Ask participants to look through it. Draw their attention to the idea of
questioning as an antidote to negativity.
Most of the questions are open-ended. Closed questions allow people
to give yes/no responses that tend to lock them into their positions.
Open questions help to ''reframe'' our thinking by:
exploring the details of an issue
focusing on the positive possibilities to find a constructive solution
to the difficulty.
Open questions, used in conjunction with active listening, show a
willingness to listen and to consider.
As well, open questions help us elicit information which may be
valuable to us in responding to others' concerns, or in helping us to
shift ground, and to refine our ideas.
Often reframing responses include ''Yes, that's an option'' or ''She puts
a different emphasis on ...'' Think, too, of examples of creative
responses that help to shift our thinking, such as:
an opportunity, instead of a stumbling block
a risk taken instead of a failure
the champagne year instead of the ''terrible two's".
Ask the groups to choose a different Person A or a different pair of
colleagues to promote the idea outlined in either Scenario 1 or
Scenario 2.
When Person A (or colleagues proposing change) hears negative
conflict-creating statements they attempt to use open-ended questions
and other "reframing" responses, such as those on the handout, to
help shift the discussion. Remember, also, to use active listening skills.
Allow 5 minutes for Round 2.
Discussion:
How was Round 2 different from Round 1? Was using ''reframing''

responses helpful? In what ways?
Did the opposers feel that Person A listened to them? What else
happened? Did the opposers feel more receptive to the idea, or to the
need for change?
Did Person A feel less threatened and, therefore, less need to justify
and defend? What else happened?
Did you use any other techniques? (e.g. being prepared with more
information)

How far did you progress in the discussion?
Instructions:
Round 3
Ask the remaining people in the groups to take a turn as Person A or
the colleagues proposing the change.
VARIATION 1
As for the last round, Person A, you use open-ended questions and
active listening. As well, try to make a clarifying statement that sums
up your viewpoint, which shows that you are taking account of others'
concerns and are willing to adopt a problem-solving approach rather
than getting stuck in a clash of wills.
Discussion:
As for Round 2. As well:

Did Person A use a clarifying statement? How did it assist the
discussion, your feelings etc?
What was the response of the opposers to the clarifying statement?
Did the clarifying statement use the principles of an "I" statement?
VARIATION 2
If using this activity in a session on negotiation, ask participants to
prepare a ''thirty second opener''. First, present information on opening
a negotiation. (See Chapter 10. Negotiation: Section E.)
Allow 5 minutes for individuals to work on the thirty second opener.
Ask them to use the handout: "Thirty Second Opener'' to record and
structure this opening statement. Only those participants playing
Person A (or the colleagues proposing the change) will present their
"thirty second openers". In discussion, others in the group can share
their openers.
This time, Person A (or the colleagues proposing the change),
introduce the topic using a thirty second opener. Others in the group
respond as seems appropriate. If the thirty second opener is
particularly effective, respond positively or perhaps with less
resistance than you otherwise would. If you still feel resistance,
express it, and Person A, you deal with it using open-ended questions
and other reframing responses.

Encourage small groups to discuss the effectiveness of the ''thirty
second opener". Ask them to compare the thirty second openers they
all prepared to consider the variety of ways they might be constructed.
Allow 5 minutes.

Discussion:
As for Round 2.
Was the thirty second opener effective?
How did the "opposers" respond?
In what ways was the discussion different to the previous occasions?
How could it be further improved?

Open-ended questions can be used to reframe resistance by exploring
and redirecting the discussion.
They can also help reduce inflammation and bring down the emotional
level to create a discussion in which issues can be explored.
Through the use of open-ended questions, useful information or ideas
are often uncovered.
Having your own case well prepared and presenting it clearly are also
often useful antidotes to conflict. In preparing your case, consider
where participants fit in the DISC model, be clear on your outcome and
flexible on the route, and adopt a win/win approach.
Making clarifying statements reminds us that we also have a right to
have an input, and to have our viewpoint heard. (Refer to Chapter 4.
Appropriate Assertiveness: Section C.)
(See over for Scenario handout masters.)

Simulation
A Proposal for Information Dissemination
(Sheet 1)
Colleagues Suggesting Change:
You are two members of a small management team.
For some time, you have both felt that the way information has been disseminated to your
management team has been inefficient and inadequate. There is a huge amount of
information. Currently, this is sorted into trays by the executive secretary according to type
only memos, journal articles, bulletins, news clippings etc.
Some of the material needs to be seen by all members of the management team and some
is specific to only one or two members. The current system relies on individuals going to
the meeting room and wading through this information to find relevant material. This means
that, for example, memos are sometimes overlooked until too late, or that journal articles
are missed completely as they are taken by one member and not returned.
Together you decided to try to devise a new system which you could put forward at the next
meeting of your team.
You have already distributed a memo suggesting the following system:
The trays will no longer be used. The executive secretary will sort
everything Into people's own pigeon holes.
Memos will be copied so all relevant people receive their own copy.
Some articles and journals will be circulated to everyone, with a cover
sheet which people tick when they have seen it.
Other articles and journals will be circulated only to those people to
whom they are directly relevant.
The executive secretary will decide which is which, and to whom
everything will go.
As others in your team have also commented that there are currently problems with the
way information is circulated, you expect that they will greet your ideas positively. At this
morning's meeting you're prepared to outline and clarify the advantages of your proposal.
Because you've worked conscientiously to prepare a workable system, you're expecting
that others will be easily persuaded, so that nothing more than minor amendments will be
necessary, before the system is adopted.
Please return this sheet to the trainer at the end of the activity.

Simulation
A Proposal for Information Dissemination
(Sheet 2)
Team Members:
You are a member of a management team.
At this morning's meeting, two of your colleagues are presenting a new system for
disseminating information in the office.
There is a huge amount of information. Currently, this is sorted into trays by the executive
secretary according to type only memos, journal articles, bulletins, news clippings etc.
Some of the material needs to be seen by all members of the management team and some
is specific to only one or two members. The current system relies on individuals going to
the meeting room and looking through this information to find relevant material.
You have already received a memo suggesting the following system:
The trays will no longer be used. The executive secretary will sort
everything into people's own pigeon holes.
Memos will be copied so all relevant people receive their own copy.
Some articles and journals will be circulated to everyone, with a
coversheet which people tick when they have seen it.
Other articles and journals will be circulated only to those people to
whom they are directly relevant.
The executive secretary will decide which is which, and to whom
everything will go.
Your immediate response to the new system is negative. It's not that you can think of a
better system, nor that you have worked out specific objections to their proposal. You know
there are some problems with the existing system, but problems will always exist. And it
sounds like a hassle to change the system, and get used to something new. You respond
to the new system with conflict-creating statements such as:
"It will never work because..."
"It will be too expensive push up all our administration costs.
"You just can't do that...because...''
"We've tried that already... it was no good.
"It will be too much of a hassle.
"You're being naive if you think...''
''How dare you suggest these changes without consulting..."
Please return this sheet to the trainer at the end of the activity.


Developing Responses to Deal with Resistance from Others
Context:
When people use extreme statements or generalisations that create

conflict, we often retort in similar extremes. Using open-ended
questions and other creative responses, we can contribute to solving
difficulties constructively and focusing on positive possibilities. (See
Chapter 5 Co-operative Power Section K)
Time:
5 minutes
Aim:
To formulate appropriate reframing responses and practise delivering

them.
Handout:
Instructions:
Ask the group for examples of negative conflict-creating statements

the types of things people often say in response to a new idea (as per
Chapter 5. Co-operative Power: Section K). Write these on the board.
In this activity, we will work in pairs to practise delivering ''reframing''
responses to difficult conflict-creating statements.
Give out the handout: ''Responding to Resistance from Others".
Ask participants to look through it. Draw their attention to the idea of
questioning as an antidote to negativity and resistance.
Most of the questions are open-ended. Closed questions allow people
to give yes/no responses that tend to lock them into their positions.
Open questions help to "reframe" our thinking by:
exploring the details of an issue.
focusing on positive possibilities to find a constructive solution to
the difficulty.
Open questions, used in conjunction with active listening, show a
willingness to listen and to consider.
As well, open questions help us elicit information which may be
valuable to us in responding to others' concerns, or in helping us to
shift ground, to refine our own ideas etc.

Round 1
Instructions:
Person A, you think of a recent situation in which a conflict-creating

statement was made to you, to which you found it difficult to respond.
Tell Person B briefly about the situation and what the statement is and
then, together, try to formulate an appropriate reframing response.
When you are satisfied, do a small role play.
Person A sets up the situation. Person B makes the conflict-creating
statement. Person A tries delivering an open-ended question or other
''reframing'' response. Person B answers; A responds yet again. Allow
3 or 4 statements from each person. Then discuss it.
Allow 7 minutes.
Discussion:
How did the reframing response work?

Did it help shift the focus of the discussion?
Round 2
Instructions:
Reverse roles. As for Round 1.

Allow 7 minutes.
Discussion:

Open-ended questions help to reframe resistance by exploring and
redirecting the discussion.
They can also help reduce inflammation and bring the discussion to an
emotional level at which issues can be explored.
Through the use of open-ended questions, useful information or ideas
are often uncovered.


Co-operation and consensus depend on people influencing others. However, when
people feel tricked or forced, chances are that someone has used manipulation.
There is no simple way to distinguish ''manipulation'' from ''influence'' in all cases.
There is no clear boundary between them. We can, nevertheless, explore some of
their prominent features.
How do people tend to feel when they have been treated like this?
manipulated
influenced with integrity
What are some differences between these?

manipulation
influence
What tend to be some common consequences of these?

manipulation
influence

Cooperative Power H.5.1
Power Game Triangle

Persecuting
Rescuing
"I'm OK You're not OK.
"I'm OK. You're not OK''
Its got to be your fault.
"Other people need my help.
Often wins in the short term.
Solves problems for others by helping

too much and too frequently
Often alienates others.
Acts as a buffer between persecutors

and victims.
Pay Off:
Pay Off:
__________________________
__________________________
Playing Victim
Observations:
Observations:
__________________________
__________________________
__________________________
"I'm not OK. You're OK

"I'm helpless and I need someone to
fix things for me.
__________________________
Maintains self pity.
__________________________
Stays stuck in inappropriate situations.
__________________________
__________________________
__________________________
__________________________
__________________________
Pay Off:
__________________________
Observations:
__________________________
__________________________
__________________________
__________________________
__________________________

Transforming the Power Game

Triangle into the Discovery Circle
Exclusion
Consultation
Alienation
Participation
Control
Co-operation
Power Game Triangle
Discovery Circle
What can be done to transform the power game triangle?

Instead of persecuting
Instead of rescuing
Instead of playing victim
__________________________
__________________________
_________________________
__________________________
__________________________
_________________________
__________________________
__________________________
_________________________
__________________________
__________________________
_________________________
__________________________
__________________________
_________________________
__________________________
__________________________
_________________________
What word could you use to describe each of these alternative sets of behaviours?
__________________________
__________________________
_________________________

Discovery Circle
Persecuting Consulting
Rescuing Facilitating
(add your own word)
(add your own word)
_______________________
_______________________
Listen to others to find out needs.
Clarify own needs and concerns.
Offer constructive feedback.
State needs assertively.
Reduce blame and criticism.
Ask questions to check how much help

is appropriate.
Include others in open and more

flexible decision-making.
Assist those playing persecutor and

victim to listen to each other.
Show respect for all needs.
Ask questions to explore perspectives

of others.
Incorporate as many as viable.

Encourage sharing of expertise.
Provide information.
Discuss consequences of persisting

with current behaviours.
Acknowledge own needs and

concerns.
Help others develop strategies for

effective problem-solving.
Express own needs assertively.
Playing Victim Taking Responsibility

(add your own word) _________________________
State assertively own intentions and perspectives.
Clarify and state own needs.
Seek appropriate support, information, skills and assistance.
Acknowledge that others have needs.
Ask questions to explore others' needs and concerns.
Avoid blaming others and circumstances.
Reduce demands on others.
Check own motivation: am I willing to fix the problem?
Choose and act upon a realistic option.


o ''Life is not anything; it is only the opportunity for something.'' Friedrick
Hebbel, a German poet. It is what you bring to life that is significant
not what life brings to you.
o Life can be a continual process of growth and development. If you
choose to regard it this way, you add meaning and direction to it.
o Everything and everyone is on your side if you decide to see it that
way.
o Look for a good intention behind apparently unkind behaviour.
o Overwhelming events can be opportunities for change and for
unfolding new levels of strength and love.
o Failure is a splendid chance to learn.
o Success starts with commitment. Everything flows from that.
o Hold your fear in one hand and your courage in the other. Fear alone
is not a reason to avoid something.
o Align your personal power with life. Accept the present before
imagining what might be.
o Be here now. The point of power is in the present. This is not a
rehearsal for your life, this is it.
''Ultimate power is the ability to produce the results you

desire most and create value for others in the process.
Power is the ability to change your life, to shape your
perceptions, to make things work for you and not against you.
Real power is shared, not imposed.
It's the ability to define human needs and to fulfil them both
your needs and the needs of the people you care about.
It's the ability to direct your own personal kingdom your
own thought processes, your own behaviour so you produce
the precise results you desire. ''
Anthony Robbins Unlimited Power
(New York: Simon & Schuster 1986) p201


SHOULD
Demands I am currently
imposing on myself.
CHOOSE
Identify the outside
pressure. What do I see
myself submitting to present
or internalised past?
Change the perspective.

My own best reason for doing
this, such as the benefits
received.
Add extra ingredients.

Make this task more pleasant
or rewarding, or less tiresome.
I should review the current office

procedures.
The pressure to be professional,

efficient and more customer
focussed
I choose to review the procedures

because it will enable time to be
used more efficiently in the long
term.
I'll arrange a morning at home to

work on it, no telephone, good
coffee.
I should attend my child's tennis

match on Saturday morning.
Internalised societal expectations

own parents' modelling of "good
parenting"
I choose to attend the tennis

match because it builds my
relationship with my child.
I will invite a friend so I have a

chance to do a bit of socialising.
Examples:


I Should
I Choose
Authority
Autonomy
Adapted and used with permission from Integro Aust Pty Ltd


Person: ...................................................
Do your answers have any of these elements?
What behaviour do you think the person should

change?
MY POWER OVER
Why do you think the person behaves this way?
How do you think the person should behave and

how do you communicate that to the person?
(Consider overt/covert verbal/
non-verbal methods)
How does/might the person respond to your

''should''?
Depending on the person's response to your

''should'', what might you do next? (Consider
reward, punishment, blaming, withdrawal etc.)

An Alternative to Demand Behaviour Power With

Person: ...................................................
Do your answers have any of these elements?
What is the issue you want to work on? (Separate

the person from the problem.)
MY POWER WITH
What is the other person's perspective? What are

the other person's needs?
What is the outcome you want or that is required?

How can that be achieved and/or communicated?
How might the other person respond to your

desired outcome?
Depending on the other person's response, what

might you do next?

Exploring Positive Aspects from The

Past
Complete own example
Examples
Identify an event/situation
which, at the time, I would
have preferred not to have
happened or to have happened
differently.
My father's death when I was a

child.
What was my response to that

event at the time? (feelings,
actions)
Hurt, angry, deserted, spent a lot

of time in my room.
What is my response to that

event now? (feelings,
actions...)
Angry. I don't think it was fair. I

miss my dad.
What have been some negative

outcomes of that event?
(changed circumstances,
outlook...)
Mucked around in high school.

Not financially secure. Mum often
stressed, tired.
What have been some positive

outcomes of that event?
(changed circumstances,
outlook, growth, direction.)
Did Uni as mature age student. I

am very independent. Mum and I
and my siblings are very close.
What have I done to deal with

this event?
Concluded you get battered round

in life. Tried not to think about lost
relationship with dad.
Having the staff review project

taken out of my hands.
Angry, defensive. Not

appreciated.
Still angry. Can't be bothered.

Avoid my boss.
Job less interesting. l'm

demotivated.
More time to spend on other

projects. Less stressed.
Avoided my boss. Started not

caring about work.
What more can I do to resolve
my response and to move on?
Let myself really feel how much I

miss dad. Write a letter to him
saying goodbye. Talk with mum.
Make an appointment with my
boss to discuss it. Value less
stress and more time to focus on
other tasks.

Strategies to Deal with Difficult

Behaviours
Goal
Examples of difficult
behaviours
Strategies to deal with these

behaviours
Gaining Power
Gaining Attention
Appearing
Inadequate
Seeking Revenge
Particular
behaviour with
which I have
difficulty
Behaviour
___________________
In whom
___________________
In what setting
___________________
Action plan for

dealing with this
behaviour
(Consider: listing
strategies,
representing the
problem in diagram
or flow chart form
etc.)


People's behaviour is goal-directed. We look for
ways to be secure, feel significant, to belong, and
to protect our sense of identity. When a person
feels threatened a downward spiral may begin. The
person may substitute other goals, in the belief that
this is a way to gain security, significance,
belonging, and identity. How we respond to these
behaviours and beliefs will, in turn, affect the
person's future behaviour.
The secret is to break out of the spiral by
supporting the person's real needs without
supporting the difficult behaviours and beliefs.

Difficult Behaviour:
Goals & Unconscious
Beliefs
Gaining Power (''I only feel
secure when I am in control,
when no-one can boss me!'')
The Downward Spiral
You feel provoked or threatened

and react by fighting or giving in.
Their aggression is intensified or
they comply defiantly.
Better Alternatives
Disengage from the struggle.

Help them to use power
constructively by enlisting cooperation.
Support their self-worth and
autonomy.
Gaining Attention
("I only feel significant when I
am being noticed.'')
You feel annoyed and react by

coaxing. They stop briefly, and
then resume behaviour and
demands perhaps in a new way.
Avoid undue attention. Give

attention for positive behaviour
especially when they are not
making a bid for it.
Support their real contribution and
involvement.
Appearing Inadequate
("I won't be hurt any more, if
only I can convince others not
to expect much from me. If
they look after me, I'll feel I
belong.)
Seeking Revenge
(You've hurt me. Ill make you
hurt as I am hurting. I have my
sense of identity by standing
against you.)
You give up, overwhelmed, or

take over the task for them. They
respond passively, show no
improvement and stay ''victim''.
Encourage any positive attempt,

no matter how small. Focus on
assets. Provide bite-sized
learning experiences they can
succeed at.
Support how they feel, as a
starting place for selfimprovement.
You feel hurt by them, and

retaliate. They seek further
revenge more strongly or with
another weapon.
Convince them that you respect

their needs. Build trusting
relationships.
Support their need for justice and
fairness.
Adapted from Rudolph Dreikurs and Vicky Soltz Children: The Challenge (NY: Hawthorn, 1964).

Managing Emotions 6.13
Responding to Resistance from

Others
When faced with a statement that has potential to create conflict ask open
questions to reframe resistance: Explore the difficulties and then redirect discussion
to focus on positive possibilities
EXPLORE
Clarify Details
It's too expensive.

Too many/much/little/few.
I want the best.
Compared to what?
Compared to what?
What would be best for you?
Find Options
You can't do that around here.
He (she) would never
They always...
We've tried that already.
This is the only way to do it
What would happen if we did?

How can we find ways for it to happen?
Are there any times they don't?
What was the outcome?
Yes, that's an option. What else could we consider?
REDIRECT Move to the Positive

It will never work.
I won't...
It's a failure.
It's disastrous.
He's (she's) useless.
It's impossible
I can't.
I don't want to
What would it take to make it work?

What would make you willing?
How could it work?
What would make it better?
What is he (she) doing that is acceptable?
What would it take to make it possible?
You can't see a way to do it at the moment?
What would you like?
Go Back to Legitimate Needs and Concerns

He's (she's) a hopeless case!
You fool (and other insults)!
How dare you do such a things
It should be done my way.
His/her place is a pig's sty!
He/she doesn't do their fair share
It's hard to see how to work with him (her)?

What do we need to do to sort this out?
What do you dislike about it?
What makes that seem the best option?
Does he/she put a different emphasis on tidiness to
you?
Where do you think his/her priorities may lie?

Managing Emotions
Objectives:
To realise the importance of acknowledging and expressing emotions.

To learn skills for identifying and managing emotions more effectively
both ours and other people's.
Recommended
Background:
Sections AF
2 hours:
Sections A, C, E and F
1 hours:
Sections AC
hour:
Sections B and F

Empathy (including Active Listening)
Section:
Activities:
A. Identifying Emotions and their Effects
6.17
B. Expressing Our Emotions
6.19
C. Handling Our Own Anger
6.22
D. Managing Our Emotions
6.22
E. Handling Difficult Emotions in Others
6.23
F. Concluding Discussion
6.24
A.6.1
Focusing
A.6.3
A.6.6

Handouts:
Section A:
H.6.1
H.6.2
Section B:
Cycle of Emotion
H.6.3
Section C:
H.6.1
Section D:
H.6.2
H.6.3
H.6.4
Section E:

Managing Emotions
Don't indulge! Don't deny!
Create richer relationships!
III. Identifying Emotions and their Effects
(30 minutes)
Question:
Think of a recent conflict. What emotion(s) did you feel?
Discussion:
Ask participants to jot down their answers. Then write them on the
board and use the following questions to stimulate a short discussion.
Question:
In what part of your body do you experience these emotions?
Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses. In addition, you might consider.

''butterflies'' and churning in the stomach
stiffness: tight muscles and tension in neck, shoulders, jaw, chest
headache.
Question:
What effect do emotions have on the progress and outcome of a

conflict?
Discussion:

may impede it, cause attention to shift from the issue to the emotion
inhibits listening and expression of concerns
leads to suppression and avoidance of the issue because it's too
uncomfortable.
Question:
Are there times when emotions are overwhelming? What happens

then?
Discussion:

Emotions take over.
It may result in screaming, crying, physical and verbal violence.
There is complete avoidance because of fear of repeating the
scene.

Question:
Are there some emotions which are more significant than others
with regard to conflict? Which are they?
From this discussion, you may like to consider more deeply one, or
even a few, emotions which are difficult for people to manage.
Encourage comments from participants and give additional information
when needed. If time is limited, concentrate on anger as this is the
emotion which most frequently causes people difficulty.
Anger: When appropriately expressed, anger can be a fire for
change. Only when it's misdirected, or inappropriately expressed, is
it destructive. Recognising and accepting our own anger will
provide the impetus for change. Off-loading it onto others, making
''them the bad guys", gives away our personal power and often
leaves us stuck with the problem.
Resentment: This is like frozen anger and is a feeling that blames
others for a situation or for a hurt we feel. It's an ''export job'' a
way of holding others apart from us, to maintain a position of being
right, superior or self-righteous. It's often easier to feel resentment
rather than to take responsibility for other feelings, or for changing
the situation.
Hurt: Underneath resentment and anger there is often hurt.
Acknowledging that you feel hurt is empowering. The alternatives
are often to withdraw, to seek revenge or to feel resentment. All of
these contribute to the escalation of conflict. Often it is easier for
others to acknowledge our hurt than our anger. When talking about
our anger, we may be better received if we also talk about our hurt.
Guilt: Guilt can be very self-destructive when we allow it to gnaw
away at us. It can be productive when we allow ourselves to feel it
fully, and then move on by seeking to understand the source of our
guilt. It is then that we can choose what needs to be done to
resolve it. All we may be able to do is decide not to do what we did
again, in a similar situation. Or we may be able to learn a new way
of behaving.
Regret: Often when we show anger or resentment, we are also
hiding regret. We have great difficulty in experiencing and
expressing the pain and sorrow under the anger and resentment.
Fear, anxiety and embarrassment block the expression of regret.
Regret is a huge feeling that is the acknowledgement of the
unfulfilled potential of a situation. It is often the last emotion before
we let go of the ''if only's'' and reach a place of acceptance.
Fear: We often experience this when we feel out of control of a
situation. Fear arises from our interpretation of what the outcome
will be: physical or emotional hurt, or consequences that will
diminish us or our circumstances in some way. Here are two useful
acronyms:

Write on the board:

Fantasy
Experienced
As
Reality
and
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real
Separating the interpretation from the reality, and becoming centred
within ourselves will allow us to choose appropriate action. Fear warns
us that we feel out of control and need to proceed with caution and
perhaps get some help or gather more information.
Give out handouts: "How do You Feel Today?" and ''Accepting
Our Emotions''.
JJJ. Expressing Our Emotions

(30 minutes)
Question:
What are some of the ways we express or deal with our

emotions? You might like to think of one-off and on-going ways.
Discussion:
Clarity the difference between long term and short term.

One-off or short term techniques are useful when we're unable to deal
completely with the emotion at the time e.g. in a meeting, at a social
function, or other setting where it's inappropriate. On-going or long
term techniques are those which we build into our daily lives to release
tension.
Write participants' ideas on the board. You might want to add some of
the following examples:
one-off
on-going,
breathe deeply
take time out
doodle
stamp your foot
snap a pencil
tear up a piece of paper
have a cup of tea
exercise
talk
listen
meditate
cuddle
write a journal

Question:
What happens if we don't express our emotions?
Discussion:

ill health
stress
withdrawal
explosion
diminished capacity to experience pleasure and happiness.
At an appropriate point in the discussion, draw a line on the board
showing suppression (i.e. not expressing) as part of a continuum
resulting in explosion.
suppression
(implosion)
explosion
Explosion is usually unproductive and often misdirected. A small

incident can often be a trigger for discharging suppressed feelings. We
may dump these feelings inappropriately, for example, on a shop
assistant processing a sale more slowly than we would like.
Question:
What prevents us from expressing our emotions?
Discussion:

cultural expectations
family background
workplace and social decorum
self-image
Question:
Does this mean that we often have no alternative than to

suppress, or is there another option?
Discussion:
Draw out participants' ideas. When appropriate, draw another line, in a

different colour, under the first line. (See above.)
containment
expression

Question:
How do ''suppressing'' and ''containing'' feel different? How are

their consequences different?
Suppressing:
feels tense, stressful, with breathing often very shallow
leads to avoidance of conflict, constant stress and possibly ill health
is fearful of the emotion, and tries to sidestep it.
Containing:
is releasing some tension through acknowledging the feeling and
putting it on temporary hold
is breathing deeply
leads to confidence to deal with conflict, less stress, empowerment
and better health
is holding the emotion, feeling it and choosing not to make it public.
Question:
What about differences between ''expressing'' and ''exploding'', in

feelings and consequences?
Exploding:
feels like losing control
may result in residual tension from guilt
may lead to damaged relationships.
Expressing:
is letting go, cathartic
leads to feelings of relief and completion
is a component of the constructive resolution of conflict.
Give out handout: "The Cycle of Emotion'', drawing participants'
attention to the process whereby emotions are acknowledged, and
managed effectively to reach resolution. Contrast this with less
effective management resulting in incomplete resolution.

KKK. Handling Our Own Anger

(20 minutes)
Because anger is such a passionate and powerful emotion, it is one
that often overwhelms us. It also is one that often leads to explosion
unless we learn to handle it productively.
Give out handout: "Handling Your Own Anger''.
Work through each point, encouraging participants to comment or
expand on the ideas. Ask participants to complete the question: "In
what part of your body do you notice tension when angry?'' Then
encourage them to share their responses with a partner.
Allow 3 minutes.
In the same way, move on to the last two points on the page. Ask
participants to complete the boxes on on-going and one-off tension
release techniques, and then share their responses with a partner.
Encourage participants to make comments or ask questions in the
large group.
Learning to handle our anger in appropriate ways
frees us to deal more constructively with conflict
helps us to avoid a build up of tension in our lives, which can lead
to an inability to function effectively.
LLL. Managing Our Emotions

(4045 minutes)
Below are two approaches for exploring our emotional responses to
conflict. Choose to do one or more of these, if there is sufficient time
and if appropriate to the group. (See also Part IV: Aikido and Part V:
Bioenergetics.)
Exploring Our Emotional Responses to Conflict: working in pairs
and using a set of questions, participants reflect on and explore their
emotional responses to conflict. (See Managing Emotions Activities, p
A.6.1.)
(45 minutes)
Focusing: working in pairs, participants learn a through-the-body
approach to unravelling a problem to which there are difficult emotions.
(See Managing Emotions Activities, p A.6.3.) (40 minutes)

MMM.

(40 minutes)
For more information see p 134139, Helena Cornelius and Shoshana
Faire, Everyone Can Win 2nd edition. (Sydney: Simon & Schuster
(Australia) P/L, 2006.)
Review the emotions identified in Section A which are sometimes
difficult for people to handle, or focus your attention entirely on anger,
as this is often the emotion in others with which we have most
difficulty.
Question:
What do you feel, and what do you do when confronted with

difficult emotions in others?
Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses. Write them on the board under two
headings:
What we feel
Question:
How productive are these reactions?
Discussion:
Stimulate discussion with further questions:
What we do
Do these reactions inflame the situation?

Do they help to resolve it?
Are there later consequences? (e.g. feelings of distress, tiredness,
powerlessness)
Question:
Now, think of a difficult emotional behaviour in others which

you've had some success in handling. What did you do?
Ask participants to write down their answers.
Group Activity:
Handling Difficult Emotions in Others: working in small groups of

five or six, participants share with each other the successful strategies
they've used to handle difficult emotions. (See below for details.)
(20 minutes)
Divide the large group into small groups of five or six.
In your small groups, share strategies that you have found successful
in dealing with difficult emotions in others. You may be able to think of
specific examples. There may have been several steps in the
strategies you used. Try to identify them, and make a note of them.
Allow 15 minutes.
Then ask the small groups to consider the following question.
Question:
Are there any common patterns in these successful strategies?

Discussion:
Allow a further 10 minutes in small group discussion, and then form

again into the large group.
Discussion:
Ask for examples of the strategies participants used. Explore these

strategies to identify the following components:
managing own reaction (not becoming inflamed, defensive etc.)
active listening for feelings and facts
making "I" Statements
focusing on the issue, not the person
asking clarifying and reframing open-ended questions
rewarding behaviour you want
negotiating a solution that takes account of both your and their
needs
expressing support and reassurance.
Give out the handout: ''Handling Difficult Emotions in Others".
Group Activity:
Handling Another Person's Inflammation: a role play in which

participants practise these active listening skills. (See Managing
Emotions Activities, p A.6.6.)
(20 minutes)
NNN. Concluding Discussion

(10 minutes)
We experience emotions in our bodies and in our minds, so we need
to deal with them in a variety of ways. We can have a felt sense of
them, we can analyse, we can explore, we can centre our energy.
We need to accept our emotions, not deny them or indulge them. We
just need to know that they exist, and to use them to build richer
relationships.
It is valuable to look for the core of our emotional response, to focus.
We need ways of safely releasing and appropriately expressing our
emotions for our well-being and the well-being of our relationships.
We need to practise ways of handling difficult emotions in others:
active listening
giving support and reassurance
selecting out what is valid from emotional dumping
re-directing statements that create or inflame conflict towards
positive possibilities in the situation.

Managing Emotions Activities

Context:
Often people dont find time to reflect on their emotional responses to

a conflict. This can result in stress and the inability to resolve the
situation. (See Chapter 5, Managing Emotions: Section D.)
Time:
2050 minutes
Aims:
To reflect on feelings in a current conflict situation

To identify possible action to help resolve the conflict, and to move on.
Handout:
Instructions:
Ask participants to think about a recent conflict. Say to the group:

What were the emotions you experienced? Can you sense those
feelings now?
Ask participants to jot down their responses, or just to sit quietly and
re-live them. They may expand on the conflict and emotions they
identified in Managing Emotions: Section A or think of another.
Give out the handout: "Exploring Our Response to Conflict''.
Expand on each of the five questions. (See Everyone Can Win, 2nd
edition, p131132.)
If time is very limited, then you could also discuss the goals now and
recommend that participants work through the entire page themselves
at another time.
Preferably, divide the group into pairs with Partners A and B.
Round 1
During the next few minutes we will each have the opportunity, using
the questions on the handout, to focus on our feelings in a current
conflict situation.
In each pair, one will be the speaker and the other the listener. Later,
we'll reverse roles.
Ph. 61 2 9419 8500

Fax 61 2 9413 1148 Email: crn@crnhq.org Web: www.crnhq.org
Managing Emotions A. 6.1
Partners A, you start by giving a brief account of the conflict and then
talk your way through each of the questions, delving as deeply as you
can and are willing, to understand your own feelings and responses.
Some questions may be more relevant than others so attend to each
of them as much or as little as is appropriate.
Partners B, you give your attention to the speakers as completely as
you can. Help them focus their own thoughts by active listening, by
summarising what they say and by asking clarifying questions.
Work with the five questions only. We'll deal with the five goals
separately. Take your time to do this you have about 15 minutes.
Don't reverse roles.
Then draw the group's attention to the five goals to pursue when
communicating emotions. Relate these goals back to the need to
express emotions appropriately. (Managing Emotions: Section B.)
Expand on each of the goals. (See Everyone Can Win, 2nd edition
p133.) Allow another 5 minutes for the same speakers to explore
where they go next.
Round 2
Partners A and B reverse roles. Partner B becomes the speaker,
Partner A becomes the listener.
Debriefing:
This can be a very emotional exercise for some people, so it can be

helpful to schedule it to finish just before a break, and not just before
the end of a session.
What was significant in that process for you?
For many of you, some significant feelings might have been aroused.
What could you do to deal with these feelings? (After participants have
responded, you might add: centre, write down thoughts and feelings,
talk with another person, give ourselves some time and space to
further reflect.)
Ph. 61 2 9419 8500


Focusing
Context:
The best way of dealing with a difficult emotion is to feel and explore
its depths. The art of focusing is a through-the-body method of
unravelling a problem. (See Chapter 5: Managing Emotions: Section
D.)
Time:
40 minutes
Aims:
To learn the art of focusing, of becoming aware of a felt sense of

emotions
To experience the release of energy, known as body shift when you
remember or label accurately for the first time something that is hard to
bring to your conscious mind.
Handout:
Instructions:
We're going to learn a technique that enables us to experience our

entire response to a particular situation. It is very helpful when you are
trying to contain emotions rather than suppress them. (See Chapter 5.
Managing Emotions: Section B.)
Conflict is not only a mental experience, it's a physical one. It
encompasses everything you know and feel about a problem at a
given time. It communicates itself to you all at once rather than detail
by detail.
As a lead to understanding this, put both your hands out in front of you
and close your eyes. In one hand, imagine you're holding an orange.
Sense what it feels like its texture, its weight, its size. (Pause) In your
other hand, imagine you're holding a tennis ball. Immediately, you'll
have a sense that it's different to the orange. Feel those differences.
(Pause)
Now, with your eyes still closed, let go of the orange and the ball.
Drop your hands.
This time, sense your mother. Don't go into details. Just tune into
yourself and into the general sense of "all about your mother". Feel
your awareness of your mother in your whole body. (Pause) Now,
sense ''all about your father". (Pause)
Notice the difference. (Pause)
Ask people to open their eyes.
Ph. 61 2 9419 8500

This felt sense is often difficult to label. It's large, complicated and
even fuzzy, and may be unclear until you focus on It.
Focusing is a way of unravelling the many emotional threads that
make up your response to a person, a situation, a conflict. It includes
the emotion, and it is more than the emotion. It's a way of peeling back
the layers to reach and label the core of your response. Usually that
response is felt not in arms, legs or head but in the core of the body
somewhere from the chest to the belly. When you're learning to focus,
it's good to find a time and place where you can be comfortable and
undisturbed. We're going to try it now.
Ask the group to sit in pairs facing each other. You could quietly play
some soft background music. Use a gentle tone of voice to encourage
reflection.
Close your eyes and think of a significant conflict or problem you are
presently facing in your life. Feel all about this conflict don't go into it,
just sense it. (Pause a minute or so.)
If you can, find where in your body you feel its tension. Stay with that
feeling. What is the main thing in it? Don't answer... listen, rather than
tell yourself. Let words or images come up out of this feeling. (Pause
another minute.)
Go back and forth between words and the feeling. Look for a word or
several words to accurately label the feeling. (Pause another minute.)
When you make an accurate match, let yourself feel it for a minute.
(Pause a minute.)
When you're ready, open your eyes and wait for a moment.
When everyone has opened their eyes, continue:
Choose who will go first. Try telling your partner something about that
experience. Were there any changes in feeling and in the words you
used? Was there any sense of completion or of relief? Don't give them
the history or details, stay with where you are right now. Listeners,
encourage speakers to continue focusing while they are telling you, by
checking back with them that their descriptions are the right words for
the felt sense they now have. Don't let this time be idle chatter. It
should continue to be reflective. After accurately describing a felt
sense, something lets go, and often in a short space of time the felt
sense shifts and takes on a new perspective, which now waits to be
accurately named.
The person listening can encourage that sharing by asking focusing
questions: What do you mean by that? Is there something under that?
Is that all, or is there more? The real essence of active listening (as
covered in the Empathy section) is to help the other person to focus.
Allow 510 minutes for each person's turn.
Ph. 61 2 9419 8500

Discussion:
Encourage participants to share anything significant for them in that

process.
Did you notice any changes?
Did you feel any sense of emotional release or relief?
Conclude this segment by talking about body shift.
Have you ever walked out of the house and known that you've
forgotten something, but you can't remember what it is? There is a
tension while you search to bring the forgotten object to
consciousness. Un-named, unconscious processes during conflict hold
the same sort of tension.
When you accurately label a problem, bringing it to consciousness,
you will often feel a sense of sudden physical release, a letting go. You
feel it right through you. It feels like exhaling after holding your breath,
like something somewhere in your body has unknotted or become
unstuck.
You might shift in your seat, sigh, loosen some facial tension, or more
comfortably relax your shoulders, your neck or your overall posture.
When this body shift occurs, you know that you've correctly labelled
your feeling. Then you have the power to change and to move towards
a more successful way of living.
Refer participants to the books Everyone Can Win, 2nd edition p
125129 and Eugene Gendlin, Focusing (New York: Bantam, 1981)
for more information.
Give out the handout: ''Focusing on Conflict".
Ph. 61 2 9419 8500


Context:
People can often do well with a win/win approach when everyone is

calm, but when emotions are high and the other person is accusing,
people frequently react rather than respond. (See Chapter 5:
Managing Emotions, Section E.)
Time:
20 minutes
Aim:
To practice appropriate ways of responding when under pressure.
Handout:
Instructions:
We're going to practise handling another persons inflamed behaviour

by doing a role play in pairs. We'll refer to the points on the handout:
''Handling Difficult Emotions in Others".
Remind participants of the main steps in responding to inflammation.
Receive really listen. Try not to become defensive.
Notice check your feelings. How are you feeling? Acknowledge this
to yourself.
Centre breathe. Remember to breathe deeply. When you block your
breathing, you block your responsiveness. Try to be centred.
Listen again re-focus on the other person. Use your active listening
skills to respond to the person's needs.
Divide the group into pairs: A is inflamed, B responds.
Pairs can either think of a relevant situation themselves, or use the
following situation:
Sample Situation:
There are two neighbours: A and B. Neighbour B has parked a car
partially over the driveway and has done it a number of times
previously. Neighbour A could drive a car out, but with difficulty.
Neighbour A is inflamed and says something like this: "This is the third
time you've parked your car across my driveway. I'm fed up. You're
inconsiderate. I hate living next to you. You leave your garbage bin out
for three days. Your dog deposits on my lawn etc."
Ph. 61 2 9419 8500

Extra instructions for Neighbour A the inflamed person.

Work with your partner to provide them with an opportunity to practise
the skill. If Neighbour B replies non-defensively and in a way that
makes you feel you have been heard, tone down your anger and give
a slightly less angry second attack so that Neighbour B can have
another go. If the response would have inflamed you more, increase
the anger in your next statements. Include a clue as to why the
response has further inflamed you e.g. "You're not hearing what I'm
saying. You're not taking me seriously.''
Extra instructions for Neighbour B the responder.
Bring up your tone of voice balancing it between your own mood and
that of Neighbour A. A lighter version of some of Neighbour A's
gestures or facial expressions might naturally go along with this.
The purpose is to communicate rapport, not to compete, defend or
attack. It is to communicate a willingness to respond close to
Neighbour A's level of intensity about the issue. As the level of
intensity of Neighbour As attack drops, make sure you drop yours too.
It should probably always be a little lower than Neighbour A's, so that
there is a gradual soothing effect. You will want to soothe the person
as well as remaining attentive.
Allow 3 minutes for the role play. Then ask partners to spend 2
minutes sharing how they felt, what was working, what was difficult
and so on. Reverse roles and repeat.
Discussion:
How did you feel when you were under attack?

How difficult was it to refrain from arguing with the person?
What were the difficulties in active listening?
When you were inflamed, what particularly helped to calm you?
Was there anything said or done which further inflamed you?

When people are inflamed and there is high emotion, they are often
less controlled and cannot think logically. So it's impossible to have a
satisfactory conversation when there is high emotion and, therefore,
much more difficult to develop options.
Your purpose is to assist such people to reduce their level of emotion
so they can think more logically and move towards win/win outcomes.
Over-controlled, super-calm active listening statements used when the
other person is very angry, sound fake and, indeed, often are. They
will probably irritate the person further. Show some intensity, but
respond rather than react.
Ph. 61 2 9419 8500


Managing Emotions H.6.1

All emotions are acceptable and valuable. There is no emotion we should not feel.
They are all part of what it is to be a human being. The challenge is to find
appropriate ways of expressing them.
EMOTIONS THAT ARE SOMETIMES DIFFICULT FOR US TO HANDLE

Anger:
When mobilised and appropriately expressed, anger is a fire for

change and a way of letting others know their behaviour is
unacceptable to us. Look for the hurt that is sometimes underneath.
"I need change. I need to communicate this."
Resentment:
Resentment is an export job, blaming others for how we feel or for the
situation we're in.
It is immobilised anger. Look for what could help it to shift.
"I need to take responsibility for how I really feel and to change this
situation.
Hurt:
Hurt tells us that our needs are not being met, or that our self-esteem
has been wounded. Often it deepens our relationship if we can
communicate our hurt without resentment.
"I need to be close. I need to be healed.''
Fear:
Fear warns us that we need to proceed with caution, to seek help, to

get more information, and to separate fantasy from reality.
"I need to take care. I need help."
Guilt:
Guilt comes about when we act or feel something different to what we

expected of ourselves. It indicates there is the possibility for a better
response.
"I need to make amends or do things differently next time.''
Regret:
Regret is a huge feeling that can encompass pain and sorrow. It is the
acknowledgement of the unfulfilled potential of a situation. It is often
the last emotion before we let go of the ''if only'' and reach a place of
acceptance.
"I need to acknowledge my pain and accept it without denial. ''

Cycle of Emotion
__________________
effective management of emotions

less effective management of emotions
------------------------No fee required to reproduce this page if this notice appears:

When anger is experienced, adrenalin is released into the body. Blood rushes
to our legs, arms, and head; we begin to sweat and to breathe quickly. Our
heartbeat speeds up; we may have a strong urge to yell, scream, kick, hit or
run. We tend to react by fight or flight.
Anger is either physically released at the time it is experienced, or it is

suppressed. Since it is rarely appropriate to release anger physically for fear of
damaging relationships or causing bodily harm, it is often suppressed.
If not released at the time it is experienced, anger gets stored in our bodies as
muscular tension. The particular part of the body affected varies considerably
from person to person.
In what part of your body do you notice tension when you are angry?
If this tension is not released, one of two things may happen. It may build up
until it can no longer be suppressed, and we explode at (or ''dump'' on)
someone who may have had nothing to do with the original anger. It may
remain unreleased and, over a period of many years, cause chronic muscular
holding patterns and possibly damage to our immune system.
When deciding on a way to release our anger which is right for us, we need to
remember that the tension is best released in a manner consistent with the
intensity of the emotion. (e.g. when we feel like hitting someone, swimming may
be more appropriate than meditating.) Many people prefer regular on-going
activities which prevent the excessive build-up of day-to-day tensions in the first
place. As well, most of us well use some techniques for releasing tension on
occasions after a particularly strong experience of anger or frustration or upset.
On-going Tension Release Techniques
One-off Tension Release Techniques

Willingness to Resolve 7.1

Five questions Five Goals
Dont indulge! Dont deny!
Create richer relationships!
FIVE QUESTIONS
When angry / hurt / frightened:
Why am I feeling so angry / hurt / frightened? _____________________________
_________________________________________________________________
What do I want to change? ____________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
What do I need in order to let go of this feeling? ___________________________
_________________________________________________________________
Whose problem is this, really? How much is mine? How much is the other
persons? _________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
What is the message I infer from the situation? (e.g. he doesnt like me, she
doesnt respect me.) _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
FIVE GOALS
in communicating emotions:
Aim: to avoid the desire to punish or blame
To improve the situation
To communicate my feelings appropriately
To improve the relationship and increase communication
To avoid repeating the same situation
What could I say? ___________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
If communicating my emotions is not appropriate, what other action can I take?
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________

1. Preparing:
Find a time and place to sit undisturbed

and comfortable. Possibly close your
eyes.
2. Clearing a space:
Let anything which is disturbing you,

which makes you feel less than
perfectly fine, come into your thoughts.
Don't go into anything.
Just greet each thing that comes, and
breathe deeply.
3. Feeling for the problem:
Pick the problem you would most like to

focus on right now.
Don't go into it.
Get a felt sense of it: feel ''all about the
problem'' as a whole.
4. Finding the crux:
Stay with that feeling. What is the main

thing in it? Don't answer, let whatever
comes come.
LISTEN, rather than tell yourself.
WAIT, let words or images come out of
this feeling.
5. Labelling:
Go back and forth between words or

images, and the feeling.
Try to get them to match if the feeling
changes, follow it, continuing to label
the new feeling.
6. Checking back with the feeling:
Check it. Ask your body "Is this label or

description exactly right, or not quite?"
When you get a perfect match, the
words being just right for this feeling, let
yourself feel that for a moment. Once
some aspect of the problem is
accurately labelled, you may
experience a body shift a sense of
sudden or gradual physical relief.
7. Another round starting from 3:
Often this opens up the possibility of

going deeper into some other aspects
of the difficulty.
See Eugene Gendlin, Focusing (US: Bantam, 1981).


If we react to others defensively by attacking or withdrawing, conflict often
increases. If, instead, we respond appropriately, we can help to bring the emotions
to a level at which the issue can be dealt with more constructively.
Try the following:
Receive
Listen and say nothing for the moment. Dont try to

tone them down, defend or explain yourself yet.
Give the other person room to discharge their pent-up
emotions.
Respect the other person's communication of feelings.
Notice
Observe your own reaction.
Centre
Tune into yourself. Breathe deeply.
Listen again
Ask yourself what you are picking up from the

communication. Separate feelings from content. Strain
out what is valid and if you can, let some irate remarks
pass you by without reacting.
Reflect back
Reflect both feelings and content.

''Let me check with you if...''
''Is that what you are saying...?''
Clarify and Explore
What are the other person's needs and concerns?

Explore what is behind the words being used. Ask
questions to shift the focus from anger to exploring the
issues. Focus on connecting to the other person and
turning this into a safe and constructive conversation.
Repeat the cycle. Ensure that both feelings and facts
are mutually understood.
Move
Clarify and acknowledge needs and concerns.

Consider the next step e.g. acknowledge your
contribution to their problem, develop options, make an
"I" statement, take time out.

Objectives:
To explore reasons for being unwilling to resolve conflict.
Session Times:
3 hours:
Sections AE.
1 hours:
Sections A, B.
1 hour:
Sections A and C
Recommended
Background:

Managing Emotions
Sections:
Activities:
Handouts:
A. Exploring Our Unwillingness to Resolve
7.6
B. Projection
7.8
C. Resentment and Acknowledgement
7.12
D. Forgiveness
7.15
E. Managing Unwillingness to Resolve in Others
7.16
7.17
A.7.1
Forgiveness Process
A.7.4
Section B:
H.7.1
H.7.1
Managing Unwillingness to Resolve in Others
H.7.2
Ssection E:

Willingness To Resolve
Unlocking Our Part of the Problem
OOO.
Exploring Our Unwillingness to Resolve

(30 minutes)
Faced with conflict, we are frequently successful at applying the skills
we've acquired to deal with it effectively. And yet, at times, our skills
seem almost irrelevant because we don't even want to attempt to deal
with the conflict. We may not even want to communicate with the other
person. We are just not willing to resolve the problem.
Try to recall a time when you felt so hurt, so angry, or so resentful that
you didn't want to resolve the conflict. Think if there is anyone currently
in your life who really angers you, but you haven't sorted out. Why? Or
think if there is a situation about which you feel unhappy or resentful,
but you haven't taken steps to remedy it.
Question:
What stops us from wanting to resolve the conflict?
Discussion:

fear of further hurt
need to be right (the other person is wrong)
identification of the other person as the enemy
belief that it won't be any use
enjoyment of conflict as an ongoing pastime or focus of attention
desire for revenge
need for apology
anger
resentment
pride
principle
unfairness.
Question:
What are the pay-offs from not fixing the problem? What do we
get by not resolving the conflict?

Discussion:

we don't have to reconsider our interpretation of the problem
we don't have to admit error or take responsibility
we can continue blaming the other person
we can maintain self-righteousness
we don't need to take risks by staying with the problem at least
we know where we stand
we don't have to look at ourselves to see the part that we've
contributed to the conflict.
We may find ourselves stuck saying ''As long as they do... (or don't
do...) nothing can change for me.
We cannot often directly influence others, so a starting point is to look
at ourselves.
Write on the board:
FOR THINGS TO
CHANGE
FIRST I MUST
CHANGE
While we blame the other person we:
keep distant
are unable to resolve
gather allies
inflate conflict.
Question:
Why might we be unwilling to look at ourselves?
Discussion:

it may cause discomfort
we may feel guilty as a result
we may not want to acknowledge something about ourselves
we may not be able to see how we contribute to the conflict.
It is this last point about not acknowledging ourselves and our part in
the conflict that we will look at now. We'll be trying to understand what
''hooks'' us into conflict.

PPP. Projection
(1 hours)
Question:
Have you ever been so irritated by someone else's behaviour that

your reaction has increased the conflict?
You may have noticed how a particular person or behaviour really
irritates you but that same person or behaviour doesn't really irritate
others. Or you've watched someone else get very upset by something
that doesn't bother you very much, and you wonder what all the fuss is
about.
Question:
What causes us to have different reactions to people and their

behaviours?
Discussion:

our values
our beliefs
the partial information we have
our upbringing
our past experiences.
These are the filters through which we interpret experiences, so our
reaction to a situation or a person or a behaviour has as much to do
with who we are as it does with the external event. Its as if we're
looking through coloured glasses: all of us view the world differently.
We project our interpretation and feelings onto people and events.
Question:
Who has heard of projection?

The psychologist, Carl Jung, describes two parts of our personality.
Draw a circle on the board:
Those qualities and emotions that we acknowledge in ourselves are

what Jung calls persona. Whether these qualities are good or bad, the
significant point about the persona is that it is known to us. It is the
conscious part of self. It includes things which we accept as true about
ourselves. It is our self-image.

The part of ourselves which is unknown to us, Jung calls shadow. Just
as few of us acknowledge all the bad things about ourselves, nor do
we acknowledge all the good things about ourselves. Our shadow
includes all our unconscious desires, feelings, intentions, and beliefs:
all the aspects of ourselves that we are not ready to know about, and
emotional responses too painful to express. Suppression of the
material in our shadow can cause long term emotional tension.
Projection occurs when this unconscious part of ourselves seems to us
to be the conscious motivation in the minds and behaviours of others.
We see in other people and their behaviour our own unconscious
thoughts and feelings. It's as if their behaviour is a mirror reflecting for
us things about ourselves that we don't acknowledge.
A clue to whether or not projection is operating rests in our reaction to
a person or situation. If our reaction is extreme, if we are:
Write on the board:
INFLAMED
by the situation, its worth looking at ourselves. Our inflammation is an

indicator that we are probably caught in a projection from our own
shadow.
If, instead, we are:
Write on the board:
INFORMED
by the situation, we may still express our anger or dislike but we are
not so emotionally engaged or caught up as we are when we're
inflamed. Understanding the projection process is about taking the
focus off the other person and what that person ''should'' or "should
not'' be doing; and instead exploring our part of the conflict so that we
can ''choose'' a less reactive response. Once we acknowledge the part
of our shadow which has us in its grip, we can do something more
constructive with ourselves and with the other person.
There are three steps to projection.
Write on the board:
THE HOOK
THE SYMPTOM
THE PROJECTION
The hook is the behaviour that upsets me.

The symptom is my reaction, usually an over-reaction.
The projection is what I need to become aware of in myself (my
shadow) that causes this strong reaction.
Why might I be over-reacting? What part of my shadow has me in its
grip? I can look to three main areas.
Add bolded words to board:
THE HOOK
THE SYMPTOM
THE PROJECTION:
Suppressed Need
Question:
What might we mean by suppressed need?
Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses. Include the following comments:

Sometimes we don't acknowledge a need that we have, and then we
blame the other person if it's not fulfilled. Or we resent, or are annoyed
by that person when we perceive that he or she is getting what we
actually want. For example, if I would really like to be popular, to
receive a lot of attention from others, I may be very irritated by
someone who is the "life of the party''. My need for attention is
unacknowledged and only shows as irritation against the other person.
THE PROJECTION:
Suppressed Need
Unresolved Personal History
Question:
What might we mean by unresolved personal history?
Discussion:

When we have some unresolved stress or pain or anger from a past
event, we may react strongly to people or situations who touch on
those feelings.
For example:
at work there may be a manager who tends to be very critical. Noone likes it, but I am extremely distressed by the criticism. Why is
that? Is it because he reminds me of someone in my past who
criticised me excessively?

or maybe when someone breaks an appointment with me, I feel

extremely angry or hurt. Perhaps, as a child, I was frequently let
down. Promises were made and not followed through.
often, as children, we don't have the internal resources to deal with
distressing events, so we have unresolved pain and grief from
those events.
THE PROJECTION:
Suppressed Need
Unresolved Personal History
Unacceptable qualities/characteristics
Question:
What might we mean by unacceptable qualities/characteristics?
Discussion:

There are sometimes things that we don't like about ourselves, or
something which we're not yet ready to acknowledge about ourselves.
For example, I might interpret someone else's attention to detail as
pedantic and unnecessary. This may be because this is a
characteristic that in some settings I display and am sensitive to
others' criticism of it. Alternatively, I may be conscious of my failure in
many instances to attend to detail. Rather than acknowledge this
failure, I discredit its importance by criticising another.
If it's a positive quality that I won't acknowledge about myself and am
overly admiring of in others, it's known as shadow hugging. It will
cloud my perceptions of the other person, and may make me
unreasonably angry when that person is criticised. If the quality I won't
acknowledge in myself I perceive as negative, it's shadow boxing.
The full expression of who we are is kept in check, either by hugging,
holding tight, or by boxing, holding at bay.
Encourage participants' further questions and comments.
To reclaim a part of the shadow into the persona requires a level of
self-esteem and ego strength that is not based on a self-image of
always being good or right, but on being whole. At times, this requires
great humility.
There is no imperative to explore our shadows but it often helps to do
so when we're locked into a conflict. If we've become immobilised by
our anger and resentment, uncovering a fragment of our shadows can
give us a new view.
If we can understand why we react to a situation with such emotional
energy, and if we can identify and label the source, then the energy
dissipates and we are likely to feel a sense of release and less
tension.

It seems odd that we don't acknowledge positive qualities. However, if

we did, then our self-image would need to change. In the wake of that,
so would the dynamics of our relationships with others. For example, if
I admit that I'm very competent, then I can't expect others to do things
for me. So if I want to maintain a dependent relationship, with all its
accompanying pay-offs, I have to continue claiming incompetence.
Or it may be that I don't want to acknowledge a strength because in
doing that I might unveil a weakness. For example, if I claim my failure
at school or in exams is that I'm just not very bright, then I never have
to face up to the possibility that I'm disorganised and lazy. In other
words, it may be better to deny a strength if, in doing so, we avoid the
pain of uncovering a weakness.
Group Activity:
Desert Island Exercise: participants complete a handout to explore

their own projections. (See Willingness to Resolve Activities p. A.7.1.)
Note: as participants may explore their feelings deeply in this exercise,
allow adequate time to debrief, including the opportunity for them to
raise concerns individually with the trainer. Be available to active
listen, to acknowledge insights and to refer for further counselling if
required.
(45 minutes)
Give out the handout: "Projection and Shadow".
Concluding Comments:
Getting to know ourselves better and better means reducing the
amount of unconscious material that is motivating our behaviour. This
gradual reduction of the shadow can occur as a natural part of the
maturing process, and is often the goal of personal development
activities. It can certainly be the by-product of aware conflict resolution.
As we seek out the root causes of our over-emotional reactions, the
light of consciousness is cast into the shadow. Once these motivations
are known and explored they are less likely to dictate future reactions
to new conflict situations. Once fully understood, they stay available to
our awareness and do not tend to form the subject-matter for future
projections or at least are spotted quickly, acknowledged by us and
dont get in the way of a resolution.
QQQ.
Resentment and Acknowledgement

(15 minutes)
Resentment often arises from projection, or it may be linked to some
unresolved previous conflict. It's sometimes identified as "frozen
anger''. It, too, can lead to being stuck in a conflict neither wanting to,
nor being able to resolve it.
Question:
Why do we hang onto resentment?

Discussion:

initially, it may protect us from too much hurt
it gives a sense of self-righteousness a feeling of superiority
it keeps the other person inferior
it simplifies feelings, responses and situations which are, in fact,
very complex.
Often, when we hang onto resentment, it means we're not forgiving the
other person. And that, in turn, means we don't really have to consider
all of who that person is, nor do we have to acknowledge anything
good about that person.
Often when we have a high level of resentment,
Draw on the board:
resentment
we have a low level of acknowledgement.

Add bolded word plus arrow to board with a different colour:
acknowledgement
resentment
If we can increase our level of acknowledgement,

Draw on the board:
acknowledgement
then we can decrease our level of resentment.

Draw on the board:

resentment
acknowledgement
Question:
What do we understand by acknowledgement?
Discussion:

thinking well of the other person
seeing the good intention
recognising particular skills, qualities
knowing that the picture I have of that person is coloured by the
conflict between us and the discomfort I feel around him/her.
When we're feeling resentment towards another, we can shift the
resentment to some extent by thinking of a number of qualities, or
skills, or behaviours, for which we can genuinely acknowledge him or
her, and focus on those.
Group Activity:
Acknowledgement Process: participants think of qualities that they

can acknowledge in others. (See below for details.) (8 minutes)
Ask participants to think again of the three people they considered in
the Desert Island Exercise. (If the Desert Island exercise hasn't been
done, they should think of three people towards whom they feel
resentment.)
Then, ask them, for each of those three people, to think of three things
which they can acknowledge about them.
Allow 35 minutes.
Discussion:
Ask participants for any comments.

If we can't acknowledge a person for anything, then we can at least
become aware of our own high level of resentment. We may then be
able to focus on ourselves and on understanding our projection in
relation to that person.
As well, we could try to focus on what might be that person's best
intention in the situation. Its worth remembering that mostly people are
doing the best they can in the situation given the choices and
resources available to them.

RRR. Forgiveness
(40 minutes)
Sometimes when we feel resentment towards someone, or if we've
been deeply hurt, we need to go further than acknowledgement.
Sometimes what is needed is a conscious act of forgiveness.
(Some people may feel discomfort with the word ''forgiveness". By
exploring what is meant, they may feel more at ease. Or for some
groups it may be more appropriate to use the words "letting go'' or
''acceptance'')
Question:
What is forgiveness? What are some of its dimensions?
Discussion:

letting go of anger against the other person
ceasing to feel resentment toward that person
feeling like a barrier between us and the other person has been
lifted
being ready to start fresh with that person, to trust and be trusted
The extent to which we are able to forgive varies with the relationship,
the context and how deeply or repeatedly we've been hurt. Sometimes
the most we can do is to let go of our anger against the other person.
To place our trust in them again requires a much deeper level of
forgiveness, accompanied by a belief that the other person won't hurt
us so badly again. Sometimes this would be unrealistic and would
involve too great a personal risk on our part.
Question:
If we're feeling resentment towards someone else, who benefits

from our forgiveness?
Discussion:

the other person, to the extent that we might have a better
relationship with that person
us ourselves. We need to feel forgiveness toward the other person
to free ourself in order to move on. Very often, we need to forgive
ourselves, as well, to deal with whatever guilt we feel in relation to
the other person.
It takes a lot of emotional energy to maintain resentment towards
another and to punish ourselves through guilt.
Forgiving ourselves and others is often a critical step in breaking the
pattern in which old emotional tapes are played over and over again.
Group Activity:
Forgiveness Process: participants are led through a guided

meditation to help them tap into their emotions, to evaluate, and to
finally forgive. (See Willingness to Resolve Activities, p. A.7.4.)
(20 minutes)

SSS. Managing Unwillingness to Resolve in Others

(30 minutes)
Just as we are sometimes unwilling to resolve conflict, so too are
others, for all the sorts of reasons that weve already discussed.
Question:
How do people behave that indicates that they are unwilling to

resolve a conflict?
Discussion:
Question:
refuse to listen
deny a problem exists
shift blame to another person or circumstance
deny any responsibility for the problem
refuse to have any further contact
avoid the issue
claim that the issue is in the past and doesnt need further
attention
pick on the other person for all manner of small issues
If you were unwilling to resolve what could someone else do that

might help you to become more willing?
Ask participants to write down their responses.
Allow 2 minutes.
Group activity:
Managing Unwillingness to Resolve in Others: working in small

groups, participants consider what they could do to relate effectively to
another person who is unwilling to resolve a conflict. (See below for
details.)
(15 minutes)
Using our ideas on how someone else could help us to become more
willing to resolve a conflict, were going to develop a list of appropriate
ways for managing someone elses unwillingness to resolve.
Well divide into small groups of three or four to do this. Well share our
lists with the entire group at the end.
Allow 10 minutes.
Ask participants to return to large group.
Question:
What are some appropriate things we could do to manage

someone elses unwillingness to resolve?

Discussion:
Draw out participants responses. In addition, you might also consider:

show that we are keen to get on well with the other person and we
want to resolve the conflict
try to maintain friendly contact on other issues
consider giving a small appropriate gift or doing a special favour
be willing to praise him/her for something he/she does well
be prepared to help when he/ she has an obvious difficulty.
Question:
How might we ensure that our attempts to manage someone

elses unwillingness to resolve are not, and dont appear to be,
manipulative to the other person?
Discussion:

Examine our own intentions. If were wanting the other person to
resolve the conflict with us just so we dont feel discomfort, and we
dont look at ourselves, the other person may feel manipulated.
Let the other person know we want to resolve the conflict. In our
personal life, it is likely that we want to have a relationship with the
other person; at work, the most honest reason may be so that work
is not disrupted and productivity is not impaired.
Show a willingness to examine our part in the conflict, and not to
blame the other person.
Chose gestures of good intentions appropriate to the circumstances
and relationship. Giving a bunch of flowers could be exactly the
right thing to do, or it could be the wrong thing to do.
Give out the handout: Managing Unwillingness to Resolve in
Others.
TTT. Concluding Comments

(5 minutes)
When were confronted with particularly difficult conflicts, it can be
extremely valuable to explore our motives, our intent, and the
relationship of this particular conflict to other areas of our life, both past
and present.
Focusing on our own reaction for a time does not mean condoning an
injustice, or relinquishing a right, or denying our needs in the situation.
On the contrary, looking inwards to uncover a quality, a need, or a hurt
previously unknown to us may, in fact, help us to identify an
appropriate and effective strategy to resolve the conflict rather than
being immobilised by its enormity, or being locked into a continuing
unsuccessful pattern for dealing with it.

Willingness to Resolve Activities

Context:
Projection occurs when our own unconscious thoughts and feelings

seem to be in the minds and behaviours of others, not in ourselves.
Seeing these behaviours in others may cause us to over-react,
resulting in, or inflating, conflict. (See Chapter 7: Willingness to
Resolve: Section B)
Time:
45 minutes
Aims:
To learn a process for exploring our projections

To become aware of one or more projections currently operating in our
relationships.
Handout:
Desert Island Exercise. Prior to the session, fold this handout four
times, concealing all but the first column. Start with a fold down the
centre of the right hand column and then fold along the lines of the
next three columns. As participants progress through the exercise,
they unfold it, one column at a time.
Requirements:
CD player or cassette recorder and instrumental music, suitable as

background for reflection
Instructions:
This is a process through which we will have the chance to explore

one or more projections. Its an introspective and personal process to
be done alone. Whatever we write is for our eyes only, so try to be
honest with yourself. There will be music playing quietly in the
background. At the end, there'll be the chance to share something of
the process with a partner, if you choose.
We're going to imagine what it would be like to be stranded on a desert
Island alone, with each of three people.
We'll choose three people who are significant to us, and who we know
would irritate us after a while. It is beneficial to choose people from
different areas of our lives.
Why the desert island? No escape... We'd have to "put up with'' each
of these people.
So now think of three people: perhaps a family member, a friend, a
work colleague, a neighbour...

Willingness to Resolve A.7.1
Give out the handout: "Desert Island Exercise". Ask participants to

keep it folded until asked to open it.
It's folded so that we can concentrate on one area at a time. We'll
trace the roots of our feelings to gradually build up a picture as if
creating a jigsaw.
Write down the names of the three people in the spaces in the left
hand column.
There's no hurry in this process. There's plenty of time to consider and
explore our responses.
Ask participants to open the first fold.
Think about each of these people. If you were isolated with them for a
long time, what about them would you find irritating or upsetting? Write
something down in the column for each person.
Start the music. Allow 510 minutes. Be guided by what you observe
in the room. If participants seem to have completed the section, move
on. If not, allow more time.
Ask participants to open the second fold.
Think now about your reaction. Exactly how do you feel about each of
these irritations? You may want to write several words until you settle
on one that seems just right.
Allow 510 minutes.
Ask participants to open the third fold.
Try to understand why you react in the way you do. Why do you feel
this way in reaction to these people? Consider reasons to do with you,
not with them.
Are your reactions arising from:
suppressed needs
unresolved personal history
personal qualities that are currently unacceptable to you.
Allow 510 minutes.
Ask participants to open the final fold.
Try to summarise these three columns into one statement for each
row.
The hook is what the other person does... when he/she...
The symptom is my reaction... I feel...
The projection is the part of myself which is in shadow... because I'm
projecting

For example:
When she gets all the attention at meetings
I feel insignificant and overlooked
because I'm projecting my needs to be liked and to be noticed.
Allow 35 minutes.
Pair Share:
Ask participants to share anything significant in that process, that they

choose.
What did you learn?
Allow 10 minutes.
Discussion:
What sorts of things did you notice?

Were your projections towards the three people the same or different?

When we learn a new process it can be tempting to over-use it.
Exposing our projections is one of a number of tools to use when
trying to resolve conflict.
It is particularly appropriate when we find ourselves over-reacting and,
maybe, out of control. If we feel ''inflamed'' by the situation then
perhaps our feelings are a signal for us to explore our projections. It's
also very valuable when there is a long running conflict, when we
seem locked into permanent irritation with another person.
Looking at our part in the conflict doesn't mean always taking full
responsibility for it. We may have legitimate reason to feel upset by
another's behaviour and we may want to communicate this to them
with an "I" Statement or to use a problem-solving tool such as
mapping. It may be, also, that the other person is projecting onto us
and that's adding to the conflict.
Finally, sometimes we may know projection is playing some part in the
conflict. We may choose not to examine it more thoroughly, and yet
just being aware that we're projecting can help us manage our overemotional reaction and choose another appropriate conflict-resolving
tool.
Follow this exercise with the acknowledgement process in Willingness
to Resolve Section C: Resentment and Acknowledgement.

Willingness to Resolve Activities

Forgiveness Process
Context:
Forgiving ourselves and others is often a critical step in completing

conflicts, and allowing us to move on. (See Chapter 7. Willingness to
Resolve: Section D)
Time:
30 minutes
Aims:
To help participants tap into the emotions of a conflict situation and

evaluate the experience
To lead participants through the process of forgiving themselves and
others.
Requirements:
A CD player or cassette recorder and instrumental music suitable as

background for reflection
Instructions:
This is a meditative process, to reflect on a recent conflict and tap into

feelings of forgiveness. At the end, there'll be time to talk with a partner
about it if we choose. During the process, we'll close our eyes. You
may occasionally want to make a note of something significant, so
have pen and paper ready.
With some groups it is more appropriate to use the words "let go" or
"accept" than forgive. (See Chapter 7. Willingness to Resolve: Section
D.) The meditation below can be easily altered to include these
alternative words.
Suggest to participants that they make themselves comfortable
sitting on their chairs or sitting or lying on the floor.
Read the meditation with a quiet and gentle tone. Use a question
roughly each 3045 seconds. You may like to reduce the questions or
add in some that are particularly relevant to your group.
Just close your eyes. (Pause) Think of a time, preferably not too long
ago (though it is OK if it was some time ago), when there was some
conflict or an argument. It may be that nothing actually was said, but
for you the emotions ran high.
Think about that conflict. See if you can get a sense of that conflict
not necessarily all the little details, just remember ''the whole thing".
Ask yourself or, better still ask the place within you where you feel that
conflict: ''What have I learnt from that conflict?" (Pause) ''Have I learnt
something from what I didn't do?" (Pause) "Have I learnt something
from what I did do?"

(Long pause)
Now ask yourself ''Have I learnt anything from this conflict about one
or more things that caused me, or the other person, to react as
strongly as we did"?
(Long pause)
What was the triggering event that started this fight or difficulty or this
conflict? (Pause)
How well did I, or we, use our skills to resolve conflict? (Pause)
In answering the next questions for yourself you may like to write down
a brief note about anything that seems important. It is not necessary to
write an answer to every question.
Did we both win in this situation? Was the outcome fair to both of us?
(Pause)
Did we work towards the positive? Did we get stuck in negativity at all?
(Pause)
Did I feel I ended up understanding the other person better? Did that
person understand me better? (Pause)
Did I get what I needed? Did I adequately defend myself or stick up for
my rights? (Pause)
Did I use power inappropriately? Did the other person? Were we able
to work co-operatively to solve the problem? (Pause)
How well did I manage my emotions? Did I behave appropriately? Was
I able to tell the other person how I felt as well as what I wanted? Did I
help handle the other person's anger? (Pause)
Am I left with any resentment? Are we totally finished with the
argument? (Pause)
And today, is there anything for which I need to forgive that person?
(Pause)
Is there anything else for which I need to forgive that person? (Pause)
Is there anything I need to forgive myself for in relation to this? (Pause)
Is there anything else I need to forgive myself for in relation to all of
this?
(Long pause)
The most important thing is not that we forgive but that we are willing
to forgive. (Pause)
(Speaking very slowly and gently) Sit quietly with your willingness to
forgive. To forgive yourself for your limitations, fears, shortcomings,
hurts, angers... and sit with your willingness to forgive others for their
shortcomings, fears, hurts and angers.

Across the space of our limitations we reach for contact. Across the
space... we reach for each other in order, ultimately, that we can love
one another... and be at peace.
Take a couple of minutes to come quietly out of your reflective space.
When you feel ready, open your eyes.
Allow a couple of minutes of silence in the room.
Pair Discussion: Ask participants to talk with one another.

What surfaced in your thoughts?
In what areas do you feel able to forgive yourself and the other
person?
Allow 15 minutes.
Discussion:
Encourage participants to make any comments to the large group

about the process.
What have you learnt about forgiveness?

When we find we are not yet ready to let go and forgive, it usually
indicates that we need to work on ourselves, independently of our
relationship with the other person.
It's often hard to let the other person hold different values and beliefs
from our own and to respect those differences without needing to
make them more like us.
Acceptance of people allows them room to move. It gives space for
them to be and to express themselves in just the way they do. Can you
give people who have ways that irritate you, just a little more space ''to
be"? Situations involving family or very close friends are often greater
challenges emotionally and affect us more deeply than work situations.
As well, we're more often able to walk away from work difficulties. But,
as a pattern, walking away can be disruptive, draining, and ultimately
unsatisfying. So, this type of process is as relevant to work as it is to
home.


Focus on their qualities or
ways of behaving that you find
irritating or upsetting.
Focus on your reaction.

Describe how you feel about
these irritations. Write several
words until you find the right
one.
Why do you feel this way? Give

reasons to do with YOU rather
than them. Focus on your own
Suppressed needs
Unresolved personal history
Unacceptable qualities.
A person you work with:

..
Summarise the three columns

by constructing for yourself a
statement of self-awareness.
You would not normally
communicate this statement to
another.
When he/she
___________________________
I feel
___________________________
because Im projecting
___________________________
A child or someone you know

and find difficult:
..
When he/she
___________________________
I feel
___________________________
___________________________
Intimate relationship e.g. spouse

or close friend:
.
When he/she
___________________________
I feel
___________________________
___________________________

Willingness to Resolve H.7.1

Does the situation inform or inflame?
The Opportunity
The more someone inflames me, angers or upsets me, the more I know I have something
to learn about myself from that person. In particular, I need to see where projection from my
shadow side has interfered with my willingness to resolve.
Projection
Projection is when we see our own thoughts and feelings in the minds and behaviour of
others and not in ourselves. We push something about ourselves out of our awareness and
instead see it coming towards us from others. We see that X is angry with us and we feel
hurt. We don't recognise that we are angry with X and would like to hurt X. It's very similar
to film projection. The movie going on in our heads is projected out onto the people around
us. Each of us builds, in this way, a highly personalised world. Greater self-awareness is
necessary if we are to see reality.
Persona and Shadow

Psychologist, Carl Jung, used the word ''Persona'' to describe the conscious aspects of
personality good and bad aspects which are known to the person. Jung called the
unknown side of who we are ''shadow''.
Persona:
My
self-image.
Things I accept are true about
myself. My conscious desires,
wants, feelings, intentions and
beliefs.
Shadow: Potential I have not unfolded. Aspects of

myself I'm not ready to know about. My
unconscious wants and dislikes. Emotional
responses that are too painful to fully experience.
Abilities/talents I'm not ready to accept or express.
Shadow Hugging and Boxing

Extreme attachment or rejection are both signs that our shadow has us in its hold. If we are
overly attached to someone because of desirable qualities that we see in him/her and deny
in ourselves we are SHADOW HUGGING. If we are overly rejecting of undesirable qualities
in someone or something that we deny in ourselves we are SHADOW BOXING.
The hook
the behaviour in the other person that inflames me, in itself a neutral event.
My projection gets caught on this hook.
The symptom
my emotional reaction (usually variations on anger or hurt).
The projection
the part of my shadow that is causing my strong reaction.
Acknowledgement
To be willing to resolve, we need to acknowledge our projection. Consider:
Suppressed needs e.g. Failing to recognise my need for companionship, I am deeply hurt
when a friend postpones time we'd planned to be together.
Unresolved personal history e.g. If I was seriously let down as a child I may become
really wild when people don't do what they promised.
Unacceptable qualities e.g. Because I don't accept my own anger, I don't accept it in
others.

Mapping the Conflict 8.1
Managing Unwillingness to
Resolve in Others
Discuss the benefits of resolving the situation.
Consider e.g. increased harmony, decreased stress, greater productivity and effectiveness,
lower costs.
Explore the "cost" of not resolving the conflict.

Explore blockers to further discussion.
Consider whether he/she is backed into a corner. Is there something that can be done to
help him/her save face?
Identify areas of misinterpretation (e.g. objectives, motives, points of view, values, feelings,
requirements, outcomes, needs, concerns). How can these be clarified?
Consider the relationship with the other person. Could a relationship of greater trust be
developed, independent of solving the problem?
Divide the conflict-resolving process into smaller steps.

Define the Issue clearly.
Explore both the other person's needs and yours.
Explore both the other person's concerns and yours.
Identify areas of common ground.
Clarify the outcome(s) towards which you're both aiming.
Evaluate your part in the conflict

Am I using my power appropriately?
Have I tried to build empathy with this person?
Have I communicated my perspective, my needs and my concerns clearly and cleanly?
Consider your own resolution to the problem, if the other person

remains unwilling to resolve.
Remember the other person may be getting more out of having the problem than solving it
(e.g. having a high investment in being right, having the final say, taking the credit, some
financial gain).
Consider ''stepping back'' emotionally, or even physically distancing yourself to recognise
the part of the problem that belongs to the other person.
Work towards your own resolution, knowing that you have done all that you can. (This may
involve practical steps such as looking for a new job, moving house etc. and also
emotionally focused steps such as grieving, meditating, letting go, seeking counselling,
finding new directions and relationships. It is sometimes a long process.)


Objectives:
To learn the technique of mapping.

To understand how mapping can be applied in a range of settings and
for many purposes.

1 hour:
Essential
Background:
Sections AE
Sections AE Abbreviated
The Win/Win Approach.

Before teaching this section for the first time trainers would be helped
by reading the chapter on Mapping in Everyone Can Win, 2nd edition
(Australia: Simon & Schuster (Australia) P/L, 2006) and doing some
sample maps on issues relevant to their own lives.
Sections:
Activities:
Handouts:
A. Introduction to Mapping
8.4
B. The Steps of Mapping
8.5
C. Reading a Map
8.9
D. When to Use Mapping
8.10
E. When it is Difficult to Identify the Issue
8.11
F. From Mapping to Generating Solutions
8.14
Cluster Diagram
A.8.1
A.8.4
Section B:
Mapping
H.8.6
H.8.7
Section C:
Reading Your Map
H.8.8
Section E:
H.8.9


What are the Needs? What are the Concerns?
UUU. Introduction to Mapping
(20 minutes)
Question:
Why do we use a map in everyday life?
Discussion:

to find our way
to work out where we are
to find the shortest route
to get an overall picture.
We can use a map for similar purposes in conflict: to help us see the
complete picture and to find our way towards solutions that will meet
many of the needs of all participants.
Imagine hovering above the terrain in a helicopter, being able to see
across the landscape. From this perspective we can see equally well,
our own backyard and those of others.
Mapping a conflict gives us this same bird's eye view. It is a way of
graphically representing a problem, showing everyone's perspectives
on it, and getting sufficient distance to see issues and ideas which may
otherwise go unnoticed.
We can map a conflict by ourselves, with another, or with a group, on
any occasion when we want greater clarity. Usually, we do a map on
paper. Writing down all the aspects can help us to see a situation more
clearly. We can also do a mental map. Whenever conflict occurs, this
skill is invaluable in helping us to focus on everyone's needs and can
guide our response to the situation.
Question:
Think of a recent or current conflict to which it is difficult to find

any solution. What's making it difficult?
Discussion:
Ask participants to jot down and share their responses. In addition, you
might consider:
hard to know exactly what the problem is
very complex
lots of people involved
lack of resources to solve it.

Mapping, and the accompanying skill of Designing Options, can help

us to deal with these difficulties.
To show how a map works we need a conflict to use as an example:
use a hypothetical example, such as the one mapped in this
chapter; on workload division in a busy office that closely supports
the companys sales team or
ask the group for examples. Try to select one that seems fairly
straightforward, current and as yet unsolved.
Therefore select one of the following two approaches:
Approach 1
Use the hypothetical or group example to show the steps for doing a
map. Do this briefly, not completing each step, but showing instead
how it is done. Then, have the group form into small groups of five or
six, each group doing a map on an issue the group selects. Move
between the groups, offering assistance where needed. (Ensure that
you have sufficient butcher's paper and pens for each small group.)
Approach 2
If time is limited, or the group is small, do one map only with the entire
group. Use an example to show the steps in their entirety.
VVV. The Steps of Mapping

(3060 minutes)
STEP 1. DEFINING THE ISSUE
Using a large piece of paper, draw a circle in the middle of the page in
which to write the issue.
In defining the issue, take care not to identify a person as the problem.
Rather label the issue in broad, objective terms, in a way that all
parties to the conflict would agree.
For example:
not "employee's laziness'' but ''workload division''
not ''teenagers leaving their rooms in a mess'' but ''household
chores".
Aim for a clear idea of the issue to be mapped, but don't worry if it's
not exactly right. Sometimes the process of mapping itself clarifies the
issue. Keep it open-ended and objective to provide a good starting
point.

Question:
Using our example, what could we identify as the issue?
Discussion:
Explore with participants what would be an appropriate definition of the

issue. Then draw on the board:
e.g.
OFFICE
WORKLOAD
DIVISION
STEP 2. IDENTIFY WHO IS INVOLVED

Decide who are the major parties in the conflict. Include individuals
(e.g. each member of a family or a team) or whole groups (e.g. sales
team, clients, students). Include people who may affect or be involved
in the conflict both directly and indirectly. As long as the people
involved share needs and concerns on the issue, they can be grouped
together. It's possible to include both individuals and groups on the
same map.
Write a list of all these people. Then decide who to focus on in the
map.
Draw segments out from the circle in which to identify each of these
people or groups.
Question:
In our example, who would be the parties involved in the conflict?
Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses, prompting them to think of all the

relevant parties as necessary. Then write on the board:
SECRETARIAL
STAFF
SALES
PERSONNEL
OFFICE
WORKLOAD
DIVISION
OFFICE
MANAGER
RECEPTIONIST

STEP 3. LIST THE MAJOR NEEDS AND CONCERNS OF EACH

PARTY
Needs
Going back to needs is the basis of the win/win approach. (Remind
participants of the Orange Story in Chapter 1. The Win/Win Approach:
Section D.) Really appropriate solutions can be generated once
everyone's needs have been identified and understood.
The word ''needs'' does not have to be used too precisely. It may
include wants, interests or the things you care about. Needs are those
things which we are motivated to move towards.
We can elicit these by asking: "Relating to this issue, what are your
major needs?"
Look for both tangible needs (such as more space, a tidy place to
work) and intangible needs (such as a feeling of security,
acknowledgement).
Be on the lookout for solutions masquerading as needs. These
solutions can be called ''satisfiers'', and can direct us to the underlying
needs. ''I need a new filing cabinet'' may actually be the satisfier to "I
need space to store my files'' or "I need a tidy desk''. Some satisfiers
may be hiding a need which is difficult for people to acknowledge. A
satisfier such as "I need my name on the report'' could be explored
with a question such as ''What is it about having your name on the
report that is important?'' This may uncover an underlying need for
acknowledgement. However, if exposing this need would cause too
much discomfort, it may be appropriate to leave the satisfier on the
map, and explore alternatives in the designing options stage.
Sometimes the same need applies to several or all people. Listing it for
each person shows that there are common needs a great empathy
builder!
Concerns
Concerns include fears, anxieties, worries those things from which
we are motivated to move away. Again, they may be both tangible
(such as not having enough money, not getting the work done) or
intangible (such as lack of respect, being rejected).
There are some concerns that are the reciprocal of some needs.
Concerns that correspond in this way do not have to be listed if they
already appear in the needs column. (e.g. having listed ''clear
guidelines'' as a need, it is not necessary to list ''not having clear
guidelines'' as a concern).
Sometimes under the heading of concerns, it's easier to draw out
motivations that don't surface so well when considering needs. For
example it's more palatable to say "I fear being out of control and
powerless'' than "I need to have power and control". And it is also true
that some concerns are more comfortably articulated as needs.

Question:
Let's consider each party in turn. What would be the main needs
of...? Now what would be the main concerns of...?
Discussion:
Explore with participants the needs and concerns of each party.

Questions which you might use to check on these include:
Would e.g. the receptionist agree that .......... is a need of hers?
Would e.g. the receptionist agree that .......... is a concern of hers?
Is that the real need/real concern?
Is that actually a solution? What's the need/concern that underlies
it?
Are there any more tangible needs or concerns e.g. need for more
space, concern about not completing the report?
Are there any more intangible needs or concerns e.g. need for
security, concern about failure?
Complete the map, as follows, on the board:
Needs
Concerns
Clear guidelines
Priorities
Harmony
Realistic workload
Dissatisfaction from
other staff
Ignorance of current
projects
SECRETARIAL
STAFF
Needs
Flexibility
To reach sales targets
Streamlined office
workload
OFFICE
WORKLOAD
DIVISION
SALES
PERSONNEL
Concerns
Too much
administration
Sloppy work
Needs
OFFICE
MANAGER
Efficiency
Harmony
Work done on time
Reasonable workload
Concerns
Low productivity
Absenteeism
Sloppy work
RECEPTIONIST
Needs
Concerns
Realistic workload
Information
Timetables of other
staff
Ignorance
Abuse by callers
Being overloaded
If you are using Approach 1, allow small groups about 30 minutes to

work on their individual maps. Remind them to use their active
listening skills in eliciting needs and concerns: reflecting back,
paraphrasing and asking clarifying questions.
Give out the handouts: ''Mapping'' and "How to Uncover Needs''.

WWW.
Reading a Map
(15 minutes)
The process of reading a map is one of drawing together common
threads and highlighting points of special concern or importance.
It's an essential step for organising the information that has emerged in
the map, in preparation for designing options.
Question:
What common threads or points do you notice on our sample

map?
Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses and write them on the board. Then
give out the handout: "Reading Your Map'' and expand on the points
that are listed.
Common Ground:
look for needs and concerns held by all or several parties.
identify common threads that may be described in different ways.
explore similarities that may not already be identified on the map,
but can be agreed upon in principle.
build a sense of partnership from which to consider areas of
difference.
New Perspectives and Insights:
consider the way in which the mapping process has changed the
perspective on the issue and the people involved. Sometimes there
are very significant insights and other times there are small shifts in
perspectives.
Hidden Needs, Concerns and Pay-offs:
look for unexpressed needs and concerns, as appropriate and with
sensitivity. Ask gentle, probing questions to explore the needs and
concerns hidden under satisfiers. (See Section B, p8.5.)
be aware that frequently needs, concerns and pay-offs are not
intentionally being hidden. They just may have not been
considered.
be aware also that, on some occasions, people may not want to
state their needs, concerns or pay-offs because of embarrassment
or fear; or because they have intentions they don't want known by
others (e.g. an intention to sack an employee; an intention to find
somewhere else to live.)
Special Concerns:
note any areas that need priority consideration (e.g. access by a
physically disabled person; secure fencing for young children; close
proximity to photocopier by secretary etc.)

Leads:
identify and explore areas for which you need more information that
may be helpful in designing options.
Question:
Are there other significant points to be drawn out of our sample

map? What are they?
Draw out participants' responses and add them to the board.
Then, if you are using Approach 1, ask small groups to read their
maps to identify features listed on the handout: ''Reading Your
Map''.
Allow 5 minutes.
XXX. When to Use Mapping

(10 minutes)
Question:
When would mapping be useful?
Discussion:
Explore the responses from the group and elaborate on them using the
points listed below:
mapping can be used on any occasion when we need greater
clarity about a problem.
it can be used for a simple situation or for a very complex one.
it can be used individually, with a partner, or with a small or large
group. Be careful in representing the needs and fears of parties not
present. What would they consider to be their needs? How would
they represent them? Be sure that we're not assigning our needs to
them. For example, ''they need to be on time'' would be more
accurately listed as our need not to be kept waiting.
use mapping to help in planning. Consider needs and concerns
before new plans or changes are implemented to avoid many
tensions and conflicts. It builds better relationships when people
know they are being considered.
mapping an issue provides a structured process for dealing with an
issue co-operatively. This can be particularly valuable if the issue is
contentious and one about which people feel strongly. The mapping
process often assists people to manage their feelings appropriately
and prevents tempers flaring.
when an issue seems very complex, or when those involved feel
impotent to resolve it, mapping can be an excellent starting point.
Seeing the overall picture and organising everyone's viewpoints
often enables people to identify the part they can work on now.

YYY. When it is Difficult to Identify the Issue

If participants are having difficulty in identifying the issue about which
to do a map, or if participants are particularly interested in exploring
the mapping process further, then introduce the following material.
Question:
Why is it sometimes difficult to identify the issue from which the

conflict arises?
Discussion:

the real issue is masked by peripheral problems
the issue seems so complex and involves so many people
different people have different perceptions of the problem
some or all people in the conflict are reluctant to deal with the issue
and resolve the conflict
when it's difficult to identify the issue, a lateral thinking approach
can be particularly useful.
Group Activity:
Cluster Diagram: working individually on a current conflict,

participants learn to use a lateral thinking approach to identifying
issues. (See mapping Activities, p A.8.1.)
As well as thinking laterally about an issue, a more systematic
approach often helps to identify the issue and uncover important areas
that would not otherwise occur to us.
The five words: who, what, how, when, where are very helpful.
(These are suggested in the "Cluster Diagram'' activity).
Other approaches can also help systematise our thinking. Andrew
Floyer Acland in A Sudden Outbreak of Common Sense (London:
Hutchinson Business Books, 1990) identifies four source areas of
conflict.
All conflict stems from one or a combination of the following sources:
The commodities at stake
The principles at stake
The territory at stake
The relationships involved.

These frequently overlap. (p 51)

Write on the board:

Commodities
Principles
Territory
Relationships
Question:
What might be included under commodities?
Discussion:

money
land or objects
franchises.
Sometimes the commodity is a symbol of something else e.g. if I get
this antique vase, it will be proof that I am the favourite child.
If there is conflict about a commodity, it is because "possession of this
commodity represents to those who want it a material gain.'' (ibid. p
52).
Draw on the board a symbol to represent commodities:
Commodity
Question:
What might be included under "principles''?
Discussion:

moral values
political ideologies
religious beliefs
personal reputation.
Generally, it is unwise to challenge people's principles. These are
often more precious to the holder than material gain, and often
defended more vigorously. However, the cost of defending a principle
needs to be weighed in the balance.
Draw on the board a symbol to represent principles:
Principles

Question:
Can you think of a time when you or someone else backed down
on a principle because the cost of upholding it was too high?
Prompt with the following example, if none are easily forthcoming from
the group:
A family may stoutly disapprove of homosexual relationships, but rethink this if a son or daughter becomes involved in one. Defending the
principle would prevent a fulfilling relationship with that child.
Sometimes there may be some other issue at stake, and a principle is
used as a smokescreen. (e.g. A supervisor may start insisting on
punctuality of staff arriving at work. Previously there may have been
more flexibility in commencement and finishing times. Now the
supervisor says that it's a matter of principle that employees should
be at work on time". The other issue might be that the supervisor is
concerned about management complaints of lack of staff discipline in
his/her department.)
Question:
What might be included under territory?
Discussion:

Physical territory:
home
office
armchair
car.
Psychological territory:
area of responsibility or ''patch''

personal privacy
areas important for self-esteem (e.g.
the work we do, the place we live, the
skills we have)
status
identity.
Draw on the board a symbol to represent Territory:
Territory
MINE

Question:
What conflicts might stem from the relationships involved?
Discussion:

threats to relationship
threats to potential relationship
power juggling
personality clashes
prejudice
violations of explicit and implicit expectations of the other e.g. trust,
violence, abuse, reciprocal support.
Considering all four areas and their interconnections can be useful in
systematically examining all of the issues involved. It may not be
appropriate to deal with every issue but clarity about them will help us
avoid pitfalls. It may stimulate us to produce more than one map for a
conflict area, and identify where the needs and concerns differ around
the various issues.
Draw on the board a symbol to represent relationships:
Relationships
Group Activity:
Source Areas of Conflict: working individually on a current conflict,

participants learn to use an organised checklist and to identify these
four key areas. (See Mapping Activities, p 8.4.)
ZZZ. From Mapping to Generating Solutions

(5 minutes)
Sometimes an appropriate solution or set of solutions will be obvious
on completing a map. At other times, particularly when the issue is
complex and/or involves many people, a formal process of generating,
analysing and evaluating solutions will be required. Without this final
phase, participants can lose faith in the process of mapping. Mapping
is the bridge between being stuck and taking action. Developing
options for action is the next skill described in the manual.

Mapping the Conflict Activities

Cluster Diagram
Context:
It is often difficult to identify the issues about which people are in

conflict. Becoming clear on these issues is a necessary first step in
resolving them (See Chapter 8: Mapping the Conflict, Section E.)
Time:
15 minutes
Aim:
To learn and practice a lateral thinking approach for identifying the

issues at stake in conflict.
Instructions:
We're going to learn an approach to assist in identifying the issues at

stake in a conflict. It's known as a cluster diagram. You may have
come across this method before as a lateral thinking tool.
Ensure each participant has a pen and a clean sheet of paper on
which to work.
Step 1
Think of a current or recent conflict.
In the middle of the page write a word or phrase which comes to mind
with regard to this conflict.
It may be the phrase someone has used that has upset or irritated us
such as "No, I don't want you to come with us", "That's not your job'' or
''Why are you always late? It may be an emotion such as being afraid,
apathetic or not respected.
Or, it may be a brief summary of the area of difficulty such as "Lisa and
John's relationship", "division of duties", ''the disputed contract".
Write this down and draw a circle around it.
Demonstrate an example on the board e.g.
hurt

Mapping the Conflict A.8.1
Step 2
Now write down any connections that immediately occur to you. Put a
circle around each one, linking with lines those that are connected.
These radiate, like a string, from the first circle in any direction.
Demonstrate on the board:
no suggestions
wouldnt help me
hurt
When a new or unconnected thought springs to mind, start a new

string, radiating in a different direction.
Demonstrate on board.
no suggestions
wouldnt help me
hurt
I helped him
last week
didnt handle that

correspondence last
month either
Don't be pedantic about it. Randomness is helpful for stimulating a

broad range of possibilities while your thoughts spill onto the page.
Step 3
When you come to pause, allow yourself then to look at new
interconnections between the circles. Tie them together with lines,
arrows, or darken previously drawn interconnections that seem
important. Doodle and decorate until the thoughts start flowing again.
Create lots of questions for yourself to help stimulate your thinking
when stuck.
Ask:
Who?
e.g. Who is involved?
What?
e.g. What started it?
How?
e.g. How did the problem arise?
When?
e.g. When does it manifest?
Where?
e.g. Where is this happening?
Allow 5 minutes for participants to complete their own cluster diagram.

Pair Discussion: Now form pairs, and take several minutes each to discuss any new
issues or interconnections you have identified.
Allow 5 minutes.
Discussion:
Encourage participants to ask questions or make comments.

Did the exercise broaden the areas at which you were looking? In what
ways? Did the exercise help you to become clearer about the issue?

A cluster diagram is a tool for broadening the range of issues at which
we might look more closely. Often we find in it the starting place for a
number of detailed maps of needs and concerns.
It can also be a starting place for envisaging the possibilities in a
situation and developing a picture of the outcomes we want.
(Optional) Invite participants working in pairs, to consider how they
might address some of the new issues they had not previously thought
about. This would be valuable, by way of completing this exercise, if
you do not plan to follow it with the mapping activity Source Areas of
Conflict or Chapter 9. Development of Options in this session.

Mapping the Conflict Activities

Context:
Sometimes it is difficult to identify all motives that are operating in a

conflict. Then, important issues may be neglected and cause
complications later because they have not been addressed. (See
Chapter 8. Mapping the Conflict, Section B.)
Time:
25 minutes
Aim:
To learn and practice a systematic approach to considering key source

areas of conflict.
Handout:
Instructions:
The free-wheeling lateral thinking approach of a cluster diagram is

valuable in helping us to identify what the real issues are. An
organised checklist can serve the same purpose. We will learn how to
construct one now and practise filling it in.
Think of a current or recent conflict.
Let's now look at the four source areas where issues are likely to arise.
Commodities, Principles, Territory and Relationship. (Refer to Mapping
the Conflict. Section E, and Andrew Floyer Acland, A Sudden
Outbreak of Common Sense (London: Hutchinson Business Books,
1990).
Give out handout: "Source Areas of Conflict''.
Work alone with the handout on a current issue that you will be
prepared to discuss with a partner in the next section.
Allow 10 minutes.
Pair Discussion: Now form pairs, and take several minutes each to discuss any new
issues you have identified.
Allow 10 minutes.

Discussion:
Does anyone have any queries about the process itself?

Who found the exercise broadened the areas at which they were
looking?
Did anyone have difficulty deciding where a particular issue fitted i.e.
commodity, principle, territory or relationship?
Developing a picture or vision of possibilities can be a useful next step.
Lead yourself in with the question: ''What if...''
e.g.
''What if we were to hold a meeting to negotiate a fairer

arrangement?"
''What if I point up an overriding principle we both can
agree on that could outweigh the one presently causing
difficulty?"
''What if we were to separate areas of responsibility more
clearly?''
''What if I delivered an I Statement about my needs in this
relationship?"
Possibly invite the pairs to develop some "what ifs" after this exercise.
This would be valuable, by way of completion if you do not plan to
teach the Development of Options in this session.

Mapping
In the centre circle, define briefly the issue, the problem area, or conflict in neutral terms
that all would agree on and that doesn't invite a ''yes/no'' answer e.g. ''Filing'' not ''Should
Sal do filing?"
In the sectors of the large circle, write the name of each important person or group.
Write down each person's or group's needs. What motivates him/her?
Write down each person's or group's concerns, fears or anxieties.
Be prepared to change the statement of the issue, as your understanding of it evolves
through discussion or to draw up other maps of related issues that arise.
Who:
Needs:
.
.
.
Concerns:
.
.
.
Needs :
.
.
.
Needs :
.
.
.
The Issue:
Who:
Concerns:
.
.
.
Who:
Needs :
.
.
.
Concerns:
.
.
.
Concerns:
.
.
.
Who:

Designing Options 9.6

''Needs'' include interests, values, hopes, desires, wants.
Encourage people to shift from their solutions to exploring

their needs.
Introduce Needs Approach
Explain that we're looking for a solution that allows everyone to have as many of their
needs met as possible.
Shift from Solutions to Needs
When asked what they need, many people reply with solutions that they think are needs,
such as "I need him to ring me when he's going to be late. The need is to know he is safe.
There are a variety of solutions which meet that need. Ringing when late is only one of
these.
Ask "Why?''
As people explain why their solutions are important to them, they usually express their
underlying needs.
Testing
Use active listening skills to check what you have heard or surmised about their needs.
Look for Indicators
If a need is intangible (e.g. respect) it may be helpful to ask what would indicate or point to
the need being met. Ask what sorts of things the people concerned would want to have
happen. These may be then built into the solutions.
Break into Component Parts
An abstract or complex need (e.g. lifestyle) may be divided into simpler parts by asking
what is involved, and what it means to the person.
Identify Concerns and Fears
Enquire specifically what would happen or what would go wrong if the need wasn't met.
Move Fixed Positions
If people are stuck with their own positions, help them to shift. Ask if there are any
circumstances in which their solutions would not satisfy them or why other solutions don't
work for them. Paint a "what if...'' scenario which could uncover their unrecognised needs
to move from the current situation.
Brainstorm the Needs
What are the elements that would be part of a successful agreement? Explore what needs
would have to be met to produce an agreement that works for everyone (including
influential people who are not immediately obvious e.g. spouse, boss.)

Reading Your Map

Look for:
Consider:
Common Ground
Which needs and concerns are

held by everyone?
New Perspectives and Insights
What hadn't been seen before?

What now seems clearer?
Hidden Needs, Concerns and

Pay-offs
What stated needs might be

masking
deeper needs and concerns;
or
unstated intentions or payoffs.
Special Concerns
What are particularly difficult

areas that need attention?
Leads
What have you noticed that is

worth following through or finding
more information?
Highlight the major needs of each participant. Now develop

options which incorporate as many of these needs as possible.


Commodities
What does each person stand to gain or lose that has or represents material value
e.g. money, property, land?
Who
What
Principles
Does someone's position come from defending a value or ideology? Is there a cost
in defending it? What is it?
Who
What
Cost
Territory
Is someone feeling that their psychological ''patch'' or physical place is in question?
This could range from threatened job responsibilities to an invaded bedroom.
Who
The patch or place
Relationships
What existing or potential relationships are under threat? Are expectations or social
contracts being infringed or violated?
Who
Who
Infringement of social expectations

Designing Options
Objectives:
To identify and understand the steps involved in designing options.

To learn how ''developing options'' is separate from ''selecting options".
Sections AE
hours:
Sections BE
Essential
Background:
Sections:
9.11
B. Creating Options
9.11
C. A Practice Session on Designing Options
9.12
D. Steps in Selecting Options
9.14
E. Acting on the Chosen Option
9.15
9.15
Activities:
A.9.1
Handouts:
Section B:
H.9.1
Designing Options

Designing Options
New Choices for Better Solutions
AAAA.
Stimulus Activity
(40 minutes)
Unleashing Creativity: participants are led through a visualisation
process to encourage creative thinking for generating solutions. (See
Designing Options Activities, pA.9.1.) If time is limited, move directly to
Section B.
BBBB.
Creating Options
(15 minutes)
Question:
How do we create options?
Discussion:

brainstorm
divide the problem into smaller pieces
identify the outcomes we want
use a trial and error approach
maintain current arrangements and generate greater commitment
go with the obvious solution.
Question:
Are these different methods appropriate for different

circumstances? Such as?
Discussion:

going with the obvious solution, or trial and error approach, may be
most appropriate for a less complex issue, or one involving few
people, or limited resources risks or consequences
dividing up the problem (chunking), brainstorming, or identifying the
outcome may be better suited to a more complex issue, or one
involving many people, resources, risks and consequences.
Obviously these two areas overlap. A key to how successful the option
will be, in the long run, is how committed people feel to it. This, in turn,
pivots on how well it meets their needs, and how much they have been
included in designing that option.

Give out the handout: "Designing Options'' and explain the variety
of tools that can be used to design options. Highlight that designing
options:
is not a linear process (e.g. we may try a variety of tools, in any
order)
is not necessarily complex (e.g. sometimes people easily agree to
an obvious solution)
is a process for which different tools are appropriate at different
times (e.g. perhaps halfway through brainstorming it becomes
evident that the problem needs further dividing into pieces).
CCCC.
A Practice Session on Designing Options

(25 minutes)
Using our previous example/s (generated in the mapping exercise),
we're going to practise one process for designing options.
The first step is to identify the issue, or the part of it for which we're
going to design options.
Draw a circle on a large piece of paper, in which to place the issue.
Sometimes, as a result of the mapping exercise the issue may have
become clearer and may be identified differently. In the example we
used during mapping, the issue was ''Office workload division. During
the mapping process, numbers of participants stated a need for the
workload to be divided fairly. This need for fairness could now be
incorporated into the way the issue is identified in the designing
options phase. It could become ''A fair division of office work''.
Draw on the board:
A fair
division of
office work
A very valuable tool when dealing with a complex issue, and when
numbers of people are involved is brainstorming.

Question:
How do we go about brainstorming?
Discussion:

no censoring
no justifying
no debating
all ideas, once written up, become shared property
people can begin to hear other ideas once theirs have been
acknowledged.
Ideas generated while brainstorming can be written around the circled
issue.
Team development of priorities
Staff Timetables
Fortnightly social time

e.g. drinks after work
More realistic sales

targets
A fair
division of
office work
Secretary back up for

receptionist
Sales person roster
Weekly meeting
We'll work again in the same small groups that we had during the
mapping exercise to identify an issue about which each group can
generate options.
As you come up with options, write them around the issue, as
demonstrated on the board.
Allow about 10 minutes.
Then refer them to the handout: "Designing Options'' and highlight
points in the wheel under the first heading: Development. In particular
focus on the clarifying and negotiating tools to help in the
brainstorming process.
Allow a further 5 minutes for small groups to develop options. If you
did the Stimulus Activity in Section A, refer back to it now for
discussion and to debrief the process of encouraging creative thinking.

DDDD.
Steps in Selecting Options

(10 minutes)
Now we need to select options. This is a different process to
developing options.
Question:
How is ''selecting'' different to ''developing''?
Discussion:

developing involves thinking as creatively and laterally as possible
and often seems random and disordered.
selecting involves bringing order to the range of options generated,

making links between similar or complementary options.
selecting also has an evaluative component. It's about assessing

the appropriateness and the feasibility of particular options.
as well, selecting is about matching options to needs and concerns

that were identified during the mapping process. What options meet
most or many of the needs of the parties and takes account of
many or most of their concerns?
The first step then is to link options that go together in some way.
Secretary
back up for
receptionist
Team
development of
priorities
Staff
Timetables
Fortnightly
social time
e.g. drinks
after work
Sales
person
roster
A fair
division of
office work
More
realistic
sales
targets
Weekly
meeting
Then refer them to the handout: "Designing Options'' and highlight

points under the heading: Selection.
We'll continue to work in our small groups. Evaluate the options you've
already generated. Eliminate the inappropriate ones, and put the rest
into the order in which they need to be implemented. Remember, try to
choose options which meet more needs than any other.
EEEE.
Acting on the Chosen Option

(15 minutes)
Question:
Who has ever had the experience of analysing a problem and

generating a solution which then seems to disappear down a
black hole? The problem is still there, two weeks, a month later?
What happened, or failed to happen?
Discussion:

no action plan
tasks not assigned to particular people
no time frame for implementation
resources not allocated
no review or monitoring mechanism.
If there is no follow-through on the process of designing options,
people can feel disheartened, sometimes betrayed and certainly
become unwilling to participate in future problem-solving sessions. So
developing an action plan and a review mechanism is vital.
Refer to the handout: "Designing Options'' and highlight points
under the headings: Implementation and Agreements.
In your small groups, set an implementation plan. In real life, you
would then need to check that everyone is in agreement with the
chosen options and the implementation plan.
Allow small groups a further 5 minutes to complete this process, and
for the person on whose problem the group has been working, to
decide upon at least one option he/she might pursue after this session.
FFFF.
Concluding Comments
Designing options is an essential part of solving problems and conflicts
that people are experiencing. People can become disillusioned with
well-meant consultation and even preparedness to listen from others if,
at the end, they are still left with a problem.
So a rigorous approach to identifying the scope of the issue, and all
the needs and concerns of parties to the conflict, is a first step. Follow
this with a serious effort to deal with the problem, to bring about
appropriate changes, and people will gain confidence in the
effectiveness of the win/win approach.

Designing Options Activities

Context:
In trying to generate solutions, our thinking is often restricted and

mechanical. It can be valuable, therefore, to stimulate us to think more
creatively. (See Chapter 9: Designing Options: Section A.)
Time:
40 minutes
Aim:
To give people experience and tools in releasing their creativity.
Requirements:
Instrumental music suitable as background for reflection

Butchers paper and pens
Instructions:
Often our thinking is very restricted and mechanical. This can hamper
our attempts to generate a range of options to solve difficult situations.
We're going to do an exercise now to release our creativity.
What stimulates your creativity?
Encourage discussion by participants. In addition, you might suggest:
relaxation
walking on the beach
gardening
music
doodling
exercising
conversation
showering
not censoring.
We are now going to work on thinking creatively about an issue.
If this exercise follows Mapping, continue with the issue/s used in the
mapping process.

Designing Options A.9.1
If Mapping has not been covered, ask individuals each to think of an

unsolved problem; or if participants are a work team, ask them to
identify an issue to work on together.
The right side of the brain is generally better at creativity and leaps in
consciousness because it works in images, wholes and simultaneous
connections. Music has the capacity to stimulate the right side of the
brain. Pictures stimulate the right side of the brain. We'll do an
exercise using both. I will put some music on and lead you into a
visualisation. The purpose of the visualisation is to picture a successful
outcome to the problem that we've just identified.
Play very quietly some gentle or reflective music.
Lead them into a guided reflection that lasts about 5 minutes. It's not
necessary to use this script exactly.
Start the music and suggest participants close their eyes. Wait about
20 seconds before continuing.
Consciously begin to relax your body. Now, tense as many muscles as
you can. Particularly concentrate on face, neck, buttocks and feet.
Tense them as much as you can... hold it.... hold it (10 seconds)... and
relax. Do that once more. Tense as many muscles as you can in your
body...hold it... hold it... and relax.
Concentrate now on your face. Make sure it is relaxed. Soften your
eyes behind your eyelids. Imagine your cheekbones widening and
spreading away from your nose. Release any tension in your jaw.
Swallow and then relax your throat. Lower your shoulders. Where are
they still tense? Relax in those spots. Take a deep breath and sigh it
out. Relax your diaphragm and stomach... relax your back and
buttocks. Check your thighs... relax them, your calves... relax them,
and your feet...
Now develop for yourself a special place where you can go to be
creative. It might be a beach, a mountain top, a tree you played in as a
child, a field, or the countryside. What are you doing strolling along,
sitting down? What do you see? What can you hear? Is it silent? Are
there noises of birds or water? What can you smell? How do you feel?
Now bring to mind your problem, and begin to imagine that a very
successful outcome to it has occurred. Build this successful outcome
into a very clear picture. You don't have to know how the success
occurred, just that it has occurred. What is showing you it was
successful? What are the people doing? What do you see? What are
they saying to each other? ... to other people? ... to you?
Now, gradually bring yourself back into your body, sitting in this room.
Have a bit of a stretch, perhaps rub your face... and open your eyes.
Give participants a moment or two to become ready to focus on the
next part of the exercise.

What we were doing was seeing the gap between the problem as it
appears now and an envisaged successful outcome.
What we don't know yet is how to move across this gap from the
problem to the outcome.
Let's start by generating options.
Refer back to Section B of Chapter 9. Designing Options for details on
how to create options, in particular noting the brainstorming technique.
After completing Section B encourage discussion on the process of
stimulating creative thinking.
Discussion:
Ask participants about their response to the music and to the

visualisation. What worked? What didn't?
What normally inhibits our creative thinking?
Are there activities/techniques we could incorporate into our life on a
regular basis to stimulate our creativity?

Creativity flourishes when option development is separated from
option selection.
Creative option development, the encouragement of dramatic shifts in
thinking, are a key for using a win/win process to achieve a win/win
outcome.
It's important to recognise when our thinking is constrained, and to
seek ways of stimulating our creativity.

Designing Options
Development
What is the range of options? Use the tools below.
Selection
Is it built on a win/win approach?
Does it meet many needs of all parties?
Is it feasible?
Is it fair?
Does it solve the problem?
Can we settle on one option or do we need to trial several?
Implementation
Are there a number of steps involved?
What are they?
Who is responsible for each step?
Is the responsibility shared fairly?
What is the time frame?
What is the review and evaluation process?
Agreements
Are there any other relevant issues that need to be addressed? Do we need agreement
displayed e.g. by handshake, show of hands or in writing?

Mediation 11.1
Introduction to Mediation
Objectives:
To develop an understanding of the process of mediation.

To know when to refer conflicts to professional mediation.
To learn the key skills and principles of mediation so that we can assist
others to resolve their conflicts in an informal and constructive manner.
Essential
Background:
Sections AF
3 hours:
Sections Aabbreviated E
2 hours:
Sections AD
1 hour:
Sections AC

Empathy
Sections:
Activities:
A. Exploring the Meaning and Uses of Mediation
11.4
B. The Purposes of this Session
11.6
C. The Qualities of Mediators
11.6
D. Identifying the Stages and Skills in a Mediation
11.9
E. Applying Key Principles and Skills of

Mediation to Everyday Conflicts
11.13
F. A Broader Perspective on Mediation
11.13
Mirroring
A.11.1
A.11.3
A.11.5

Mediation 11.2
Handouts:
Section E:
Mirroring
H.11.10
H.11.11
Mediation Skills
H.11.12
H.11.13

Mediation 11.3
Introduction to Mediation
Providing a Safe Learning Environment
GGGG.
Exploring the Meaning and Uses of Mediation

(20 minutes)
Question:
What do we understand by the term ''mediation''?
Discussion:

understanding of the term.
Mediation comes from the Latin ''mediare'' which means to be in the
middle.
''Mediation is a process in which a third party intervenes in a conflict,
usually with the consent of the parties, to facilitate a mutually
acceptable resolution which requires the agreement of the participants
for implementation. In a sense, it is facilitated collaborative problemsolving." Dr Gregory Tillett, Resolving Conflict (Sydney: Sydney
University Press, 1991) p3334.
Question:
How is ''mediation'' different to the process of ''conciliation''?
Discussion:
Encourage a few moments' discussion.

Conciliation is concerned with reducing hostility and finding some kind
of working accord. It may or may not include ''mediation'' as part of the
process.
Question:
What is ''arbitration'' about?
Discussion:

Arbitration involves a third party adjudicating and handing down a
judgement.
Question:
How are "mediation'' and ''facilitation'' different?
Discussion:

''Facilitator'' is the word most often used when the role needed is a
chairperson with some mediation skills, or the situation is being
presented not as dispute resolution, but as future planning. Numbers
participating are usually large. Facilitation may involve considerable
crowd control skills.
Question:
Is there anyone here who is a mediator, either full-time or as part

of their work?
Acknowledge those who are. If appropriate, ask them to say briefly the
types of situations in which they mediate.

Mediation 11.4
Question:
In what settings would it be valuable to call in a professional

mediator?
Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses. In addition, you might offer the

following examples:
industrial and business disputes
marital disputes and divorce settlements
neighbour's disagreements
workplace arguments
environmental and community disputes.
Questions:
What would make ''mediation'' an appropriate choice for solving

the dispute? Are there any occasions when it would be less
appropriate?
Discussion:

Appropriate when
other collaborative problem-solving approaches have been
ineffective; or when there's a perception that the parties can't solve
it themselves
there are many parties and many issues to be considered
parties are prepared to negotiate
there are several options available for resolving the conflict
there is not a great imbalance of power
poor communication has been the basis for the dispute
relationships are important.
Less appropriate when:
parties are not prepared to negotiate
parties remain unwilling to be involved in the process of mediation
there are no, or very few, choices available to resolve the conflict
when there is a legal principle to be decided
the primary issue is non-negotiable, such as physical abuse.

Mediation 11.5
HHHH.
The Purposes of this Session

(10 minutes)
This session will not train us to be ''mediators'' in any formal or
professional sense.
To become a professional "mediator'' requires many hours of training
and professional supervision.
(Refer participants interested in becoming mediators to appropriate
training courses.)
This session has two aims:
to help us understand the process of mediation so that we
recognise when it is an appropriate option for resolving conflicts;
and when we may refer some conflicts to mediation
to learn how to apply key principles and skills of mediation so that
we can assist others to resolve their conflicts.
When there is a conflict at work, in a family, or between neighbours or
friends, often a third person is drawn into that conflict.
We can probably recall times when we've seen such a third person
inflame the conflict further. Perhaps such a person offers irrelevant or
inappropriate advice or repeats hurtful comments made by one party
against the other.
Also, we can probably think of a person who has played a positive role
in helping others resolve their conflicts. Such a person may frequently
be turned to as a "peacemaker". In a family, friendship or work group,
this person has probably taken on the role informally (and usually
unlabelled) of ''mediator''.
It's also possible for a person with some power, such as a manager, a
supervisor, a school principal, or a parent, to mediate in some
disputes. Rather than always arbitrating, there are times when, in
these positions, we're able to facilitate others to resolve their own
difficulties.
Knowing about the formal process of mediation, and how to apply the
key principles and skills of mediation to conflicts that are not our own,
is valuable knowledge to add to our conflict resolution toolkit.
IIII.
The Qualities of Mediators

(30 minutes)
Question:
For us to feel confident in a mediator, what qualities, attitudes,

beliefs and skills would we want that person to have?
Ask participants to write down their responses.

Mediation 11.6
Group Activity:
About Mediators: working in small groups of three participants,

discuss the qualities, attitudes, beliefs and skills of mediators.
(15 minutes)
Divide the large group into small groups of three.
Write on the board:
Mediators:
personal qualities
attitudes and beliefs
skills
Ask participants to discuss each of these. Tell them not to concern

themselves too much with the distinctions between qualities, attitudes,
beliefs and skills. Rather, these categories have been identified to help
stimulate their thinking.
Allow 1015 minutes.
Ask them to return to the large group for discussion on these
questions.
Question:
What personal qualities would we consider valuable in

mediators?
Discussion:

warm
caring
non-judgemental
accepting
genuine
trustworthy
sincere
respectful
consistent
objective capable of putting own opinions on hold.
Question:
What attitudes and beliefs would mediators need to hold?
Discussion:

that others can solve their own problems
that participants are in control of the issues discussed and of
introducing relevant material

Mediation 11.7
that the mediator is in charge of the process

that neutrality is essential
that the process of mediation does work.
Question:
What do we understand by "neutrality"?
Discussion:

understanding of the term.
Neutrality doesn't mean being without values or opinions. Instead, it
means being aware of our values and opinions and knowing how to
maintain them separate to the mediation process, so that they don't
interfere with the process or the relationship with or between
participants.
Question:
What skills do mediators require?
Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses. In addition, you might consider :

able to show empathy
able to communicate acceptance and respect for the parties in the
conflict
having skills in active listening
being competent in analysing the process to help participants
understand what is happening in the discussion
able to reframe conflict-creating language into conflict-resolving
questions or statements
able to identify areas of common ground or agreement
able to make explicit the implicit options that arise during discussion
able to self-disclose appropriately when it helps the participants
consider options, promotes a more direct relationship with them or
assists them in understanding their situation and themselves.'' (Dr
Gregory Tillett. op. cit. p55)
able to confront appropriately on issues which may be crucial to
resolving the conflict: issues which the participants may otherwise
avoid. Confronting may be appropriate when it is helpful to the
client, promotes the process and is not an accusation or a
challenge.'' (Dr Gregory Tillett, op. cit. p55)

Mediation 11.8
JJJJ. Identifying the Stages and Skills in a Mediation

(45 minutes)
Group Activity:
Role Play: participants observe a role play between the trainer or

other person, competent in mediation skills, and two disputants.
(15 minutes)
Write on the board:
What stages do you observe in the mediation?

What happens in each of these stages?
What specific skills are used?
Discussion:
Encourage participants to comment on the role play, and then consider

each of the questions in turn.
Question:
What stages did you observe in the mediation?
Discussion:
Elicit and write on the board, spacing them evenly so you can include
details later:
Open
Establish
Move
Close
Question:
What happens in the first stage, ''open''?
Discussion:
Elicit and write on the board
Open
Introductions
Agreements
Setting Up
Question:
What would each of these include?
Discussion:
Draw out participants' responses and give additional detail as required.

Mediation 11.9
Introductions:
Define the role of the mediator as concerned with process not
content.
Agreements:
Avoid blaming.
Listen to each other.
Allow each to speak without interruption.
Tell the truth.
Setting up:
Make sure the room is comfortable, ''neutral'' and participants are
seated appropriately.
Have board and pens available to maintain visual record.
Question:
What happens in the second stage ''establish''?
Discussion:
Elicit and write on the board:
Establish
Overview
Details
Question:
Discussion:

Overview:
Each person describes his/her view of the conflict, the issues and
what's felt about it.
Details:
Map the details.
Identify each party's needs and concerns.
Clarify misconceptions.
Mirror to ensure participants are hearing each other accurately.
(See p.221, Helena Cornelius and Shoshana Faire, Everyone Can
Win 2nd edition. (Sydney: Simon & Schuster (Australia) P/L, 2006)
and Mediation Activities, Mirroring, this chapter.

Mediation 11.10
Question:
What happens in the third stage, ''move''?
Discussion:

Move
Finding areas of agreement

Generating options
Negotiating
Caucusing
Question:
Discussion:

Finding areas of agreement:
Identify these.
Generating options:
Brainstorm possible solutions.
Mediators might suggest options tentatively if participants are stuck
or not generating equally good suggestions of their own. (Options
need to be based on content shared by participants.)
Negotiating:
Consider currencies. ''What can I give in exchange for...?''
Caucusing:
You might arrange private meetings between mediator and each
participant:
to allow each person to unwind and to prepare for negotiation
to identify and clarify misunderstandings and misconceptions that
may have been taken away from a meeting.
Question:
What happens in the fourth stage, close?
Discussion:
Close
Contracting
Checking
Agreeing to review
Acknowledging

Mediation 11.11
Question:
Discussion:
Draw out participants responses and give additional detail as required.

Contracting
Participants reach agreement on particular options.
Checking
Are participants satisfied?
Have major needs been met?
Agreeing to review:
Set a time and process for review.
Acknowledging:
Thank for participating.
Congratulate on achieving these agreements.
Questions:
We listed earlier some skills that mediators require (refer to

Section C.) What other skills and techniques did you notice the
mediator in the role play using?
Discussion:

summarising whats been identified
asking open-ended questions
emphasising I language
clarifying
directing the process
identifying options.

Mediation 11.12
KKKK.
Applying Key Principles and Skills of Mediation to
Everyday Conflicts
(30 mins2hrs)
Question:
In what situations do you find yourself mediating, or can you

imagine having that role?
Discussion:

disagreement between work colleagues
disputes amongst work subordinates
arguments between friends
squabbles amongst children (at home or in the classroom).
Group Activity:
Choose either one or both of the following activities.

Mirroring: in this role play, participants practise the skill of mirroring.
(See Mediation Activities, page A.11.1.)
(15 minutes)
Establishing a Mediation: working in small groups, participants
practise establishing a mediation. (See Mediation Activities page
A.11.3.)
(20 minutes)
The Stages and Skills of Mediation: a role play in which participants
practise mediating. (See Mediation Activities, page A.11.5.)
Short practice
(30 minutes)
Long practice
(50 minutes)
LLLL.
A Broader Perspective on Mediation

Throughout this session we've talked about the purpose of mediation
being to resolve or manage conflict. Of course, we have other methods
to deal with conflict. There is the range of informal, ad hoc, sometimes
constructive, sometimes destructive methods that have become our
habits throughout our lives. For many difficult disputes, we have
access to the law.
Question:
Why, then, choose mediation?
Discussion:

cost effectiveness
the difference between solving, managing and resolving
the long term benefits of people feeling empowered and learning
non-adversarial strategies for resolving conflict.

Mediation 11.13
Andrew Floyer Acland in A Sudden Outbreak of Common Sense

(London: Hutchinson Business Books, 1990) makes some interesting
comments about the ultimate purposes of mediation:
''...you must accept that the primary purpose of mediation is not to
reach agreement: it is to provide a process within which the disputants
can educate themselves about the conflict and explore the options
open to them to resolve it." (p117)
"So the basis of mediation is negotiation and the mediator's job is to
introduce some special features to turn adversarial, win-lose
negotiation into problem-solving. The mediator helps people to talk to
each other in ways that prevent misunderstandings, establish at least
working relationships, clarify the issues and look for mutually
acceptable solutions. Ideally, people should emerge from the process
feeling satisfied that all their needs and interests have been taken into
account, that they have achieved the best possible outcome, and that
they are ready to re-enter the process the next time a problem comes
up." (p13)
''Mediation is the adjustable spanner in the dispute resolution tool-box.
It can be used in a formal setting to sort out multi-million pound
disputes; or in a suburban sitting-room to resolve a problem with the
neighbours. It can be designed to reconcile the competing interests of
businesspeople, local government and environmentalists in a complex
land-use dispute; and it can help build trust and understanding
between people of different racial backgrounds in an inner city
community." (p2)

Mediation 11.14
Mediation Activities
Mirroring
Context:
Active listening and I statements combine as a particularly

appropriate conflict resolution tool to use during mediation (See
Chapter 11 Mediation Section E.)
Time:
15 minutes
Aim:
To learn the skill of Mirroring
Handout:
Mirroring
Instructions:
Divide the group into pairs with Partners A and B. Distribute and
explain the handout: "Mirroring".
Mirroring is a technique that involves two important skills: active
listening and "I" Statements.
Partners take turns to speak and to listen.
We're going to do a role play to practise the skill of mirroring.
Partner A briefly describes a difficulty with someone else and gives to
Partner B an interpretation of the other person's needs, issues and
values as they relate to the difficulty. Partner B will role play that other
person, working from the description given by Partner A and some
guesses on the person's motivations.
Draw the shape below, on the board. As you explain the technique of
mirroring, add the appropriate words and arrows. (Use one colour for
words in upright typeface. Use another colour for words in italics
typeface.)

Mediation A.11.1
Partner A, you make an "I" Statement expressing how you feel about
the issue.
Partner B, you actively listen to Partner A. You reflect what you hear
from Partner A. Use your own words, aiming to reflect back both
content and feeling.
Partner A says "Yes, that's what I said'' or ''No, that's not what I said''
and tries again. Partner B reflects again until Partner A says ''Yes,
that's what I said''.
Now Partner B makes an "I" Statement. You express how you feel
about the issue. Partner A reflects back content and feeling until
Partner B says "Yes''. Now it is Partner A's turn to make a new "I"
Statement. This process repeats until some noticeable movement is
made towards resolution or mutual understanding.
Discussion:
Did either person become defensive? Was the re-statement free from
opinions and judgements?
Did you both feel heard? Did you both feel able to reply?
How does the issue look different now?

This may be a very useful process to establish at the opening of a
conflict-resolving dialogue, with or without a neutral third party.
The process may be initiated by a mediator when anger between the
parties is high. It slows everything down and makes sure both sides
are heard. It is not always possible to insist on a perfect "I" Statement,
but it is possible to encourage both parties to indicate they speak from
their own points of view ("As I see it...", ''From my point of view...'';
"This is how I feel about it" etc.)
People frequently do not absorb or even hear information that requires
them to change their perception of the other person or the situation.

Mediation A.11.2
Context:
When people are in conflict, it can be helpful to have an independent

and neutral third party mediate their dispute. Although there is much to
learn in the area of mediation, the caring non-professional can often
assist others to resolve their conflicts. Establishing guidelines for
participants to discuss their conflicts is a valuable first step in the
process.
Time:
20 minutes
Aim:
to practise establishing a mediation
Handout:
Instructions:
In this role play, we will practise the first stage of a mediation.

We will work in small groups of four. In each group, there will be a
mediator, two parties in the conflict and an observer.
Divide into groups of four.
Think of some situations in which you could imagine yourself
mediating. In your small groups, choose one of these to role play now.
If the small group is having difficulty in finding a conflict to mediate,
offer some sample situations. (As participants are practising the
opening stage of a mediation, the details of a conflict are not required.)
Sample Situations
Two neighbours disputing responsibility for repairing a boundary fence.
Two colleagues disputing procedures and timeframe for processing
customer orders for office supplies.
To each of the groups say:
Consider how, if you were the mediator, you would set up your
particular mediation.
What kind of language would you use?
How would you describe your role?
What ground rules would you set?

Mediation A.11.3
What agreements would you make?

Allow 510 minutes.
Choose who will play the mediator, the two parties in the conflict, and
the observer.
Allow 12 minutes.
Instructions for the Mediator
You open the mediation by making agreements and exploring roles.
Instructions for the Parties in the Conflict
Work with the mediator to provide them an opportunity to practise the
skills.
Instructions for the Observer
Note particular strengths of the mediator's approach.
Allow 5 minutes.

What was effective in establishing the mediation? What needs more
emphasis?
Optional Extension: Small groups choose another situation for
mediation and change roles.
Consider how you would establish the mediation in this case.
How would it be the same as the previous one?
How would it be different?
Allow 5 minutes.
Choose a different person to practise establishing this mediation.
Allow 5 minutes.

As before.
Discussion:
Ask for some of the small groups to give an overview of how they
established their mediation. Draw together common threads from each
group. (After participants have responded, you might need to add
some of the following if they have not been mentioned: environment,
confidentiality (when is it appropriate, when is it not?), timing,
guidelines for discussion e.g. no yelling, name-calling, etc.)
Give out the handout: The Third Party Mediator, and highlight key
points.

Mediation A.11.4
Context:
When people are in conflict, it can be helpful to have an independent

and neutral third party mediate their dispute. Although there is much to
learn in the area of mediation, the caring non-professional can often
assist others to resolve their conflicts. (See Chapter 11. Mediation:
Section E.)
Time:
Variation 1:
30 minutes
Variation 2:
50 minutes
Aim:
To practise key skills of mediation
Handouts:

Mediation Skills
Instructions:
In this role play, we will work in small groups to practise a mediation.

Before we break into small groups, Id like each person to choose an
issue or a situation in which you could imagine yourself mediating.
It may be a work situation. Two staff members are in conflict. Perhaps
you are the manager who has convened a meeting to help them sort
out their difficulties. Or perhaps youre a colleague who has offered to
spend some time with them mediating their dispute.
It may be a conflict within a family or between friends. Perhaps the
parties have turned to you because they think you may be able to help
them resolve their difficulties.
Allow 34 minutes.
Check that an adequate number of participants have thought of
conflicts.
Divide into small groups of four (or six, if using variation 2.)
Ask the small groups to choose a conflict to mediate.
If the small group is having difficulty in finding a conflict to mediate,
offer them one of the two situations below.

Mediation A.11.5
Sample Situation 1
You are the manager of a computer company. Two of your
salespeople are in conflict over the system of referring new customers.
There are guidelines that customers interested primarily in software
are directed to Salesperson A and those primarily interested in
hardware are directed to Salesperson B. These guidelines now seem
to be inadequate. Salesperson B claims she/he is losing commission
because Salesperson A is pirating too many customers.
Sample Situation 2
Two of your friends share a house and have repeated squabbles about
household chores. Their most recent argument has resulted in them
not talking to each other. Both of them want to stay in the house
because of its location and its comfort. Friend A claims Friend B is
untidy, disorganised and unwilling to do a fair share of the household
chores. Friend B claims that Friend A is obsessive, demanding and
inflexible with regard to household chores.
VARIATION 1
We will spend 1015 minutes working through the stages of a
mediation.
Ask the group to choose who will play the mediator, the two parties in
the conflict, and an observer.
Give out the handout: "The Third Party Mediator". Highlight the
stages of the mediation.
Instructions for the Mediator
You start the mediation in Stage 1 by making agreements and
explaining roles. Then move through the other stages, as far as time
allows. It's not likely that you will complete the mediation. Just work
through it as far as you can.
Instructions for the Parties in the Conflict
Work with the mediator to provide an opportunity for them to practise
the skills. If the mediator says something which assists you in the
process, respond positively. If the mediator doesn't take charge of the
process, then behave as if in a real conflict.
Instructions for the Observer
Note particular strengths of the mediator's approach by observing the
effect on the participants in the conflict and by considering how much
progress is made in the mediation.
Allow 1015 minutes.

Mediation A.11.6

What was effective in the mediation?
What needs more emphasis and practise?
Discussion:
What conflict resolution skills did you use in the mediation?

What were the strengths of your mediator's approach?
What difficulties did you notice?
VARIATION 2
There will be four rounds. Each round will focus on a different stage of
the mediation.
In each round, a different person will be the mediator.
Two people will remain as the parties in the conflict throughout the role
play. The other four people will be either observing or playing the role
of mediator.
Ask the groups to choose the two parties in the conflict. Ask the
remaining four to choose which stage each wishes to mediate.
Give out the handout: ''The Third Party Mediator'' and
"Observations During a Mediation''
Explain to observers that they can keep notes on the handout:
''Observations During a Mediation'' as the mediation progresses.
Give instructions to the mediators, parties in the conflict, and
observers, similar to those in Variation 1.
Round 1
Remind participants of what happens in Stage 1 of a mediation.
Highlight:
setting up the room
explaining roles
making agreements
establishing what, if any, comments during the mediation will
remain confidential.
Ask the groups to consider: what types of agreements and what
approaches wouldn't be particularly appropriate to their situations.
Ask the first mediator in each small group to establish the mediation.
Allow 5 minutes.

Mediation A.11.7

What was effective in establishing the mediation?
Round 2
Highlight:
mirroring
mapping.
Don't attempt a complete map in this role play as there is insufficient
time. Perhaps, if appropriate, you could do a map focusing on two
major needs and two major concerns of each person.
Ask the second mediator to continue the mediation in Stage 2.
Allow 7 minutes.

What was effective?
Round 3
Highlight:
The process of developing a range of options and negotiating. What
would it be easy for one to give and valuable for the other to
receive?
What concessions could be traded?
Ask the third mediator to continue the mediation in Stage 3.
Allow 7 minutes.

Mediation A.11.8

What was effective?
Round 4
Highlight:
the importance of "contracting", making an agreement which
participants will uphold
the establishment of a review date and what process or method
they will use
the acknowledgement of participation.
Ask the fourth mediator to continue the mediation in Stage 4.
Allow 7 minutes.

What was effective?
Discussion:
Encourage participants to share significant observations. Ask

participants to identify the particular skills which were used during the
mediation, and what additional skills would be valuable.
Give out the handout: ''The Skills of Mediation''.

Although there is much to learn in the area of mediation, a caring
person who has acquired the key principles and skills of mediation and
conflict resolution can often assist others to resolve their own conflicts.
Mediation draws together all the skills of conflict resolution. Of
particular importance is a commitment to a win/win approach and a
practised ability to listen actively.
If the conflict is long-standing, involves many people, and a complex
range of issues, it is valuable to call on a professional mediator.
Only professionals should mediate in situations where there is physical
violence.

Mediation A.11.9
Mirroring
Yes, thats what I said.

Broadening Perspectives 12.10

Attitudes for Mediators
These attitudes are relevant whenever you want to assist, or are asked to assist, in a conflict which
is not your own. It may be a friend telling you about a problem on the telephone. It may be an
informal chat with both people in the conflict. It may be a formally organised mediation session.
Be objective validate both sides, even if privately you prefer one point of view, or even when only
one party is present.
Be supportive use caring language. Provide a non-threatening learning environment, where
people will feel safe to open up.
Be non-judging actively discourage judgements about who was right and who was wrong. Don't
ask ''Why did you?" Ask "What happened?'' and ''How do you feel?"
Use astute questioning encourage suggestions from participants. Resist advising. If necessary,
offer options not directives.
Use a win/win approach work towards wins for both sides. Turn opponents into problem-solving
partners.
Mediation Methods
Stages in Mediation
Set some simple rules: listen carefully, state

own viewpoint clearly, attack the problem not
the person, look for answers to meet everyone's
needs.
Open
Define your mediator role as there to support

both people "winning".
Get agreement from both people about a basic
willingness to fix the problem.
Let each person say what the problem is for
them. Check back that the other person has
actually understood them.
Guide the conversation towards a joint problem
solving approach and away from personal
attack.
Encourage them to look for answers where
everybody gets what they need.
Redirect ''Fouls'' (Name Calling, Put Downs,
Sneering, Blaming, Threats, Bringing up the
Past, Making Excuses, Not Listening, Getting
Even.) Where possible the mediator reframes
the negative statement into a neutral description
of a legitimate present time concern.
Introductions and agreements: Warm up,

explanations, arrangements, discuss the
win/win approach.
Establish
Overview: What is the matter? Each person
expresses their view of the conflict, the issues
and their feelings.
Details: What is involved? More details. Map
needs and concerns. Clarify misperceptions.
Identify other relevant Issues. Use Mirroring.
Move
Review: Where are they now? Identify areas of
agreement. Encourage willingness to move
forward. Possibly meet separately.
Negotiation: Focus on future action. How would
they like it to be? What would that take?
Develop options. Use trading to build wins for
everyone.
Close
Completion: Make contracts. Plan for the future,
including setting a time to review agreements.
Closing statements.

Mediation Skills
Open: Introductions and Agreements
Take charge of the process: Set up the meeting space. Explain that each party will
have equal time to describe his/her view without interruption. Describe the win/win
approach and its emphasis on needs. Clarify roles and expectations of mediator and
participants.
Establish: Overview and Details

Focus on needs: Ask each person to describe what he/she needs for the situation to
improve.
Use mirroring: if emotions are high. This controls abuse and checks that each person
has heard the other accurately. (Have each person rephrase the others statement and
have it confirmed before making a reply.)
Encourage I statements to clarify how each person sees the situation. Discourage
personal attacks.
Move to specific examples of peoples needs, concerns and causes of irritation.
Acknowledge feelings and thank people for openly expressing them.
Reinforce willingness to resolve when people show it.
Move: Identify Areas of Agreement and Negotiate

Ask what would it take for the situation to be better?
Acknowledge common ground and affirm this is the case.
Seek some flexibility and movement from each party.
Check out agreement even if it is only in principle, so far.
Develop many options. What can each person do to help solve the problem?
Help define measurable criteria for change. What signs will show that the problem is
being addressed?
Close: Completion
Suggest meeting to evaluate how agreement is working.
Check that people have really agreed and can live with the chosen options.


What's been identified so far:
Needs of the participants:
Concerns of the participants:
Areas of common ground shared by the participants:
Central Issues:
Currencies what one person could give in exchange for something she or he values:
Possible Options:
Agreements:
Observations of the
Process and the Skills
used by the Mediator
Strengths
Difficulties
Stage 1
Stage 2
Stage 3
Stage 4

Objectives:
To gain a sense of what broadening perspectives involves.

To consider some specific steps to help broaden perspectives.

1 hour:
Sections AC.
Sections B and C
Essential
Background:
Sections:
A. About Broadening Perspectives
12.15
B. Steps in Broadening Perspectives
12.18
C. Closing the Course and Acknowledgements
12.21
Activities:
A.12.1
Handouts:
Section A:
H.12.1
Section B:

Family Feud Part 1
Family Feud Part 2
The Split Up Part 1
The Split Up Part 2
The Oval Part 1
The Oval Part 2
Professionals and Volunteers Part 1
H.12.1
H.12.1
H.12.2
H.12.3
H.12.4
H.12.5
H.12.6
H.12.7
H.12.8
H.12.9
H.12.10
H.12.11
H.12.12
H.12.13
H.12.14
H.12.15

Seeing the Bigger Picture
MMMM.
About Broadening Perspectives

Imagine for a moment that you're a traveller about to climb a mountain.
At the foot of the mountain, when you turn around all you can see is
what's directly in front of you: a few trees, a mountain stream, a rocky
track. (As you say this, draw the picture below.) As you climb, you can
turn around and see that the few trees are, in fact, part of a larger
forested area. A little higher you can see the farmland beyond the
forest. Higher still, your view becomes more expansive a township in
the distance, a broad riveruntil you reach the top and you have a full
360 degree view.
Broadening Perspectives is like climbing a mountain to see more of

the scene.

Question:
In conflict, what do you think we mean by broadening our

perspectives? What might we see?
Discussion:

seeing the conflict from a different perspective
understanding another person's viewpoint
becoming aware that the whole picture is much bigger than any
single person's perspective
recognising the context in which the conflict is occurring
understanding the connections between sets of events, actions and
people, and other sets of events, actions and people; so that
intervention in one conflict, or part of a conflict, will have
repercussions in many other areas of our lives
knowing that a long term perspective is sometimes needed to
understand or resolve a conflict.
Question:
Think of a conflict you have considered during this course. Have

you found particular skills, models or processes that have given
you a broader perspective on the problem. If so, what?
Ask participants to write down their thoughts.
Discussion:
Ask a few participants to share their thoughts. Encourage the

discussion with additional questions such as:
How did that help to broaden your perspective?
In what ways, specifically?
What type of "shifts" did you notice in your thinking?
Did these "shifts" mean you approached and/or dealt with the conflict
differently? How?
After you've heard some examples, draw the discussion together.
An important component of successful conflict resolution is "reframing
the problem.
The process of reframing is about changing our perspective. Using the
CR approach, we reframe to redirect our thinking to the positive, to see
the challenge, and to transform our thinking from "perfection" to
"discovery". (See Chapter 2. Creative Response.)
The skills we've identified as helping us to broaden our perspectives
are often skills in analysis. (See the handout: "The Skills of Conflict
Resolution.)

Write on the board:

ANALYSIS
SKILLS
Models that help us in this are "DISC", "Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer
"Demand Behaviour" etc.
The way we analyse or understand a conflict will affect, and be
affected, by our attitudes to it. Resolving a conflict very often requires
an attitude shift.
ANALYSIS
SKILLS
Add to the board:

ATTITUDES
Our attitude in turn will affect, and be affected, by the particular

interaction skill we choose to use.
ANALYSIS
SKILLS
ATTITUDES
Add to the board:
INTERACTION
SKILLS

Give out the handout: "The Skills of Conflict Resolution" pages 1

and 2. Highlight that the purpose of the handout is to provide another
framework for thinking about the skills. Participants should feel free to
indicate on their own handouts any skill which they believe should be
grouped elsewhere.
We all make different connections and this handout suggests one
possible set of connections to stimulate our thinking. It also gives us
an overview of the skills we have learnt during the course.
Encourage comments by participants. This handout will help them in
completing the group activity below.
Group Activity:
NNNN.
Case Studies in Conflict: working in small groups participants

analyse some sample conflicts and develop appropriate strategies for
dealing with them. (See Broadening Perspectives Activities, p A.12.1.)
(45 minutes)
Steps in Broadening Perspectives

Celebrate Uniqueness
Sometimes we fail to acknowledge ourselves as special and unique
with a distinctive viewpoint that grows out of our past experiences, our
current needs and our future hopes and plans. Without a strong and
secure sense of who we are, it's often difficult to look outwards and to
acknowledge others. We may be more concerned with protecting
ourselves than enquiring about the world around us. So the first step in
broadening perspectives seems paradoxical. Start by celebrating
ourselves.
Respect and Value Differences
We need to commit ourselves to the knowledge that others are also
unique and special, with distinctive viewpoints that may be different to
our own, and yet equally valid. This can open our eyes to many more
possibilities. It may require us to change the mindchatter that says "For
me to be right, others must be wrong". Instead, we can focus our
attention first on finding areas that overlap, are held in common, or are
complementary. Then we can consider our differences in order to
develop options that show respect for those differences. You may
have heard the story of the blind men and the elephant: each man took
hold of a different part of the elephant. The one holding the trunk
concluded the animal was a snake; the one holding the leg thought it
was a tree; the one holding the tail was convinced it was a rope; and
the one touching the elephant's side claimed it was a wall. Each
assumed that his experience was the true representation of this thing
called "elephant", and could not understand why the other men were
describing something which sounded very different.
Each person's viewpoint is a part of the whole, and if we listen to each
viewpoint, we will have greater insight into that whole.

Recognise a Long Term Timeframe

Because our conflicts and difficulties confront us daily, it is sometimes
difficult to recognise the long term perspective. Because of that, we
may feel disheartened. But consider some major world events of
recent times. Who could have foreseen the separation of the Soviet
Union into independent states, or the re-unification of Germany and
the disappearance of the Berlin wall? Change is the only thing we can
be certain of. Deeply held desires and appropriate actions support that
change.
Assume a Global Perspective
If we have a belief that the actions of one individual are interconnected
with every other individual, then we can have a sense of how our
actions can have meaning in conjunction with the actions of others.
The skills we've explored in this course can give us new ways of
exercising our personal power, whether it be in the framework of our
personal and professional lives or whether it be in the political or social
arena.
Climate change and concerns about the environment are at the
forefront of many peoples thoughts. A commitment to, and a belief in,
a win/win approach tells us that it should be possible to have a
comfortable lifestyle without impoverishing the environment.
Deal with Resistance to Taking a Broader Perspective.
Often we feel resistance to broadening our perspective on conflict. A
first step to dealing with this resistance is to understand why we feel it
in the first place.
Question:
Why do you think people resist taking a broader perspective?
Discussion:

On a personal level, the change that occurs when we broaden our
perspectives involves a shakeup. It may mean letting go of the
security we got from our old way of making sense of the world, of
understanding what was going on. When we change the
perspective, we may feel very confused and uncertain of next
steps.
These same fears are often echoed in organisations, communities
and even societies. To transform these requires an openness to the
idea of changing and risk-taking.
Often we're limited too by the way we put our learning and skills
into separate compartments. We don't look for the ways we can
transfer these skills to new settings or different problems.
We may also feel blocked by the enormity of the difficulties, by the
feeling that what we do will make little impact.

Question:
What are some things that we can do to deal with this resistance?
Discussion:

Choose a particular skill and practise it in numbers of settings.
Identify what I can do to affect a particular problem. For example,
what can I do to influence the culture of my organisation to include
greater consultation, co-operative decision-making and positive
ways of resolving conflict? Or how can I use conflict resolution skills
to analyse or participate in the environmental debate, or another
social issue?
Make a commitment to use these skills in some particular area of
my life possibly one Ive found too difficult to tackle in the past.
Give out the handout: "Intention/Commitment Sheet".
Suggest to participants that they complete this sheet. It is for private
use and doesn't need to be shown to anyone else.
To conclude, you might read out the story below: The Old Man and
the Horse":
There was a very poor old man. He had one magnificent possession
an exquisite white horse. Such a fabulous white horse you've never
seen. Everyone wanted this horse. Kings constantly offered fabulous
sums for it, but he always refused to sell because he said he loved this
horse it was like a person. How can you sell a person you love?
Then one day he realised that the horse had gone: the stable was
empty. The villagers gathered round and said "We always knew that
one day such a valuable horse would be stolen. You should have sold
it while you had it. You could have got a good price for it. At least you
would have had money in your pocket. Now you have nothing.
And the old man said: "Don't go too far. All we can say is that the
horse is not here; anything else is a judgement." Two weeks later, the
horse returned and it brought with it a dozen wild horses. Again the
people gathered. "You were right old man. We were wrong. It's not a
misfortune; it's proved to be a blessing.
Again the old man said: "Don't go too far. All you can say is that the
horse has returned and that a dozen other horses have come with it.
Who knows whether it's a blessing or not. It's only a fragment!"
This time the people didn't say much, but they knew inside themselves
that it was a blessing and that the old man was wrong. These other
horses could, after all, be sold for quite a profit.
A week later, the old man's only son started to train the horses. He fell
from one of them and broke both his legs. Again a crowd gathered.
"You were right old man, it wasn't a blessing, it's a misfortune. Your
only son is crippled your only investment in the future, crippled,
useless."

Again the old may said: "You're obsessed with judgements. Who
knows whether it's a blessing or not? Only say that my son has broken
both his legs. It's a fragment. Who knows the outcome?
Shortly afterwards, the country was called to war, against a strong
army. All the young men in the district were conscripted and they were
going to their death because it was certain they'd all be killed. The
whole town was weeping.
All the young men were conscripted except for the old man's son. He
was excepted because he had broken legs.
Again the people gathered around. "You were right, old man. At least
you have your son, even though he's crippled."
"It's impossible to speak to you people. You are obsessed with
judgement. Who knows if it's a blessing or a curse? Only life knows."
OOOO.
Closing the Course and Acknowledgements

It can be valuable to include a time near the end of the course, when
participants can ask questions about or comment on any aspect of the
course, and to advertise this in advance.
You may also choose to have participants fill out and return to you a
course evaluation form. You might prefer to hand this out near, but not
right at, the end to give participants time to consider their feedback
to you. See Running CR Courses at the beginning of this manual, p
I.5 and handout: Course Evaluation p H. I.20.
As well, consider asking each person in turn, around the circle, to
share or identify one significant thing he/she learnt during the course;
or one thing he/she hadn't expected or... Then, along with thanking the
group for their participation, mark the end of the course with a round of
applause, or an informal "graduation".

Broadening Perspectives Activities

Context:
At the end of the course, participants are ready to get into discussion
on some substantial issues. This may be the last activity they do
together in small groups. (See Chapter 12: Broadening Perspectives:
Section A.)
Time:
45 minutes
Aims:
To think broadly about the range of issues involved in a conflict

To review skills learnt
To discover some commonly arising problems e.g. ethnic issues, male/
female and supervisor/subordinate clashes, community activism.
Handouts:
The Skills of Conflict Resolution pages 1 and 2, Case Study in

Conflict. Choose from the seven below, parts 1 and 2.
Requirements:
Butchers paper and felt-tipped pens
Instructions:
At the end of a course, it's useful to look at examples of typical

conflicts and consider appropriate ways of resolving them.
We're going to divide into small groups.
VARIATION 1
I will give each group a different case study. You will have about half
an hour to consider them and then we'll share our approaches at the
end.
VARIATION 2
(You will need an even number of groups for this variation. Its
advantage is that debriefing time is decreased.)
I will give out a number of case studies. Each case study will be
considered separately by two groups. You will have about half an hour
to do so. Then we'll share our responses, and compare the variety of
approaches available to us.

Broadening Perspectives A.12.1
Continue with the following instructions for both Variations 1 and 2.

There will be two stages in analysing each of the conflicts.
The first stage will last about 15 minutes. During this stage, we'll
analyse the conflict, identifying the main issues and the options
available.
For the second stage, we'll give you information about an extra event
or action, in the conflict, which may mean that different options are
more suitable.
Divide participants into small groups of 46.
Give out the handouts: "Case Study in Conflict": Part 1. Also give
out sheets of butcher's paper and a few different coloured pens to
each group.
Select from the following case studies those that are most relevant to
participants' interests.
Family Feud
Elderly sisters who havent spoken for twenty years.
The Split Up
Selling the house when a de facto relationship dissolves.
The New Manager
In the Accountancy Department of a large company, a new woman
manager from outside the company is appointed over an assistant
manager who's been with the company for ten years.
The Barking Dog
A Vietnamese man with little English owns a noisy dog that is
disturbing a neighbour.
The Oval
A proposal to have a local oval taken over by the Soccer Association is
rejected by local residents.
Professionals and the Volunteers
Fundraising organisation chaos.
Workplace Bargaining
Migrant women attempt negotiations with management.
Ask the groups to read their groups case study and discuss the
questions.

You will probably find it helpful to refer to the handout: "The Skills of
Conflict Resolution" to remind yourself of the skills and attitudes
we've covered in the course.
It may be helpful for one person to record your group's responses on a
large piece of paper. You may want to express your answers as a list,
a diagram, a flow chart, or in some other graphic way.
Allow 20 minutes.
Then, give out the handouts: "Case Study in Conflict Part 2. It may
be necessary also to give out another piece of butcher's paper.
Ask the groups to read the additional information given in Part 2 and to
discuss the questions, again referring to the handout: "The Skills of
Conflict Resolution", and recording their responses on the large
piece of paper.
Allow 15 minutes
Ask one person from each group to read out the case study his/her
group dealt with, and summarise the small group's discussion. Have
groups dealing with the same case study report one after the other.
Note similarities and differences in their approaches.
Discussion:
Encourage comments from participants using the following questions

to stimulate their thinking.
What, if any, were the difficulties in identifying issues and appropriate
skills and strategies?
What assisted you in the process of coming up with possible options?

Page 1

To resolve conflicts, it can be helpful to have:
(i) skills to analyse our motivations and the conflict itself,

(ii) a set of positive attitudes and
(iii) skills for interacting with others.
Grouping these skills helps us to consolidate our understanding of them.
In practice, of course, skills and attitudes tend to merge; and all are useful in each of the twelve major skill areas.
Twelve Skills
ANALYSIS SKILLS
ATTITUDES
INTERACTION SKILLS
WinlWin
All of the skills below
Wanting what's fair for everyone
All of the skills below
Creative Response
Perfections vs Discovery
Seeing conflict as an opportunity
Responding rather than reacting
Empathy
DISC
Valuing individuals' differences
Active listening
Asking questions
Using empathy openers
Tailoring our approach to suit others needs
Appropriate
Assertiveness
Fight, Flight, Flow
Having respect for all people's needs and

rights. Wanting to meet my own needs and
rights without violating those of others.
Making "I" statements
Co-operative Power
Power Bases
Wanting to use my personal power in a way

that doesn't diminish others
Consulting
Persecuting, Rescuing and Playing Victim
Active Listening
Transforming I Should" to "I Choose"
Using "I" statements
Recognising Demand Behaviour Shoulds

on others
Giving appropriate feedback
Difficult Behaviours: trying to gain power,

attention, appear inadequate or get revenge
Sharing responsibility and decision-making
Reducing blaming language
Re-evaluating the past

Broadening Perspectives H.12.1
Page 2
The Skills of Conflict Resolution (contd)
Managing Emotions
Believing that expression of emotions plays

an essential part in creating richer
relationships.
Cycle of Emotions
Focusing
Choosing appropriate ways to express

emotions
Centreing
Active Listening
Willingness to
Resolve
Projection
Recognising that it is valuable to explore my

part of the problem.
Communicating a willingness to resolve

Giving appropriate acknowledgement and
feedback
Wanting what's fair for everyone
Active Listening
Forgiveness
Mapping
Defining the issues

Identifying needs and concerns
Consulting
Asking questions
Expressing needs and concerns
Designing Options
Clarifying the potential outcomes of

alternatives
Believing that the best solution comes out of

exploring a range of creative alternatives.
Joint problem-solving, brainstorming,

negotiating, evaluating options etc.
Stating my alternatives if we can't agree
Negotiation
Mediation
Broadening
Perspectives
All of the above skills
AIl of the above skills so that mediator

focuses on his/her role, responses and the
process, rather than the content, of the
mediation
Believing that needs-based negotiation can

be successful
Supporting the participants in the mediation

as the ones best able to decide on
appropriate solutions.
Mirroring
Believing that a neutral third party can provide

a helpful environment to support people
resolving their own conflicts.
Knowing that my limited perspective may be
only part of a bigger picture.
Making a reframing response to overcome

resistance and direct the flow towards the
positive
Active Listening
Using "I" statements
Joint problem-solving
Active listening
Asking questions
Demonstrating a willingness to learn

Broadening Perspectives H.12.2

Family Feud Part 1
Sarah and Lotte are two elderly sisters who have not spoken to each other for
twenty years. They argued dreadfully about the terms of their mother's will. Their
mother had left the family home to Lotte who at the time was struggling financially
with her husband to bring up three children and lived in a rented apartment. Sarah
was at that time unmarried though she has since married. Sarah was a successful
executive earning a good salary (though not perhaps as good as mother had
believed when she devised the will). Sarah was left with her mother's personal
possessions which would have been worth around three thousand dollars. Sarah
disputed the will in court but was unable to prove that her mother was of unsound
mind when making the will and the court upheld the terms of the will.
Lotte's son, Richard, can see that his mother is in her last years and does not want
his mother to die with this family feud still raging.
Richard is keen to adopt a win/win approach to this conflict. What skills would be
helpful to him in analysing the conflict? What attitudes might assist him?
Explore some options Richard could consider, to move towards a win/win outcome.
Identify the major issues, the steps he could take and the skills he would need
.

Aikido V.1

Family Feud Part 2
Richard hears from a cousin that Sarah would like to re-build some relationship with
his mother, Lotte. He discusses this with his mother who then agrees to meet with
Sarah. The meeting goes poorly. Old wounds resurface and Lotte and Sarah have
a huge argument. Richard tries to calm his mother and help her to see Sarah's
perspective. Lotte then accuses Richard of siding against her, his own mother, and
declares that she doesn't want to see him again.
How could Richard now maintain a win/win approach? Try to identify specific
examples of strategies he could use and of what he could say and do. Consider
also how to broaden the perspective on the conflict (e.g. re-define the win,
rebalance a loss, consider wider context and longer timeframe.)
What win/win outcome might conceivably occur?

Aikido V.2

The Split Up Part 1
Lisa and Allan lived in a de facto relationship which was cemented by buying a
house using a joint loan. The relationship has broken down. Lisa has moved out;
Allan still lives in the house. Most arrangements for the disbursement of jointly
owned furniture have been accomplished with some pain and further argument.
Instead of paying rent, Allan now pays off Lisa's part of the loan repayments. He is
dipping heavily into his modest savings to do so.
Lisa now wants to buy a new home and needs the money she has put into the
house. On paper, Allan cannot afford to buy Lisa out by refinancing the loan with his
present income. However, he owns the house his mother lives in. If he received
rent from his mother, his total income would satisfy a bank as to his ability to repay.
However, Allan prides himself on taking care of his mother in this way.
The present situation is really unviable for Allan in the long term and does not suit
Lisa at all right now. Allan's reluctance to address the financial problem is making
Lisa wild. She sees him using her capital to present a "good provider" image to his
mother.
Lisa is keen to adopt a win/win approach to this conflict. What skills would be
helpful to her in analysing the conflict? What attitudes might assist her?
Explore some options Lisa could consider to move towards a win/win outcome.
Identify the major issues, the steps she could take and the skills she would need.

Aikido V.3

The Split Up Part 2
Lisa asks a mutual friend, Jeff, to come with her to see Allan to try and sort it all out.
Allan is furious that Lisa has discussed their financial affairs with Jeff and deeply
resents the interference. Allan says that he's not leaving the house and that he's not
prepared to discuss it with her personally any more. He assures Lisa that he will be
able to solve the problem shortly. Allan says that he wants all further dealings to be
conducted through their solicitors.
Lisa does not want to take him to court but she is stuck and cannot rebuild her life
while this issue is unsettled. Allan does not seem to hear her on this.
How could Lisa now maintain a win/win approach? Try to identity specific examples
of strategies she could use and of what she could say and do. Consider also how to
broaden the perspective on the conflict (e.g. re-define the win, re-balance a loss,
take in the wider context and a longer timeframe.)

Aikido V.4

In a large manufacturing company with overseas ownership, a new manager of the
accounting section was appointed over a year ago. The final decision to appoint this
person was made in New York.
At the time the job became vacant, the assistant Accounts Manager, Bill, applied.
He had worked for the firm for ten years. Although without formal accountancy
qualifications, he understands the whole financial system of the company perfectly
and is very good on the informal links needed with the accounts sections of their
suppliers. He is well liked by the staff of eight for his easy-going and friendly
approach.
The new appointee, Daniela, has an accountancy degree and a good track record
in previous companies. She prides herself on efficiency and her ability to make sure
a job is well done. She has rubbed her staff up the wrong way introducing a new
computer system which, as yet, has many bugs in it. She demands a level of
efficiency, punctuality and quietness in the office that the staff has never
experienced before and they resent it. Staff resentment is being fuelled by Bill who
disliked Daniela from the first day, and who is even more entrenched in his
opposition now. The Accounts section is now very inefficient. Invoices are often
sent late, and arrears are not being handled. Frequent errors in wages irritate the
staff enormously from other areas of the company. All reporting of errors must go
through Daniela who seems to use any scapegoats she can. Daniela is often angry
with Bill for things he does not perceive as his fault. The Senior Manager calls
Daniela and Bill into his office. He does not want to lose either of them.
The Senior Manager is keen to adopt a win/win approach to this conflict. What skills
would be helpful to him in analysing the conflict? What attitudes might assist him?
Explore some options the Senior Manager could consider to move towards a
win/win outcome. Identify the major issues, the steps he could take and the skills he
would need.

Aikido V.5

At the meeting with the Senior Manager, Daniela and Bill decide to divide some
tasks in the section so that there needs to be less daily interaction between them.
Inefficiencies continue to plague the company. When the New York President flies
in and hears about the problem in the accounting section, he demands the
Australian Manager takes decisive action immediately and fire either Daniela or Bill.
How could the Australian Manager now maintain a win/win approach? Try to
identify specific examples of strategies he could use and of what he could say and
do. Consider also how to broaden the perspective on the conflict (e.g. redefine the
win, re-balance a loss, take in the wider context or a longer timeframe.)

Aikido V.6

Wan is Vietnamese and speaks little English. He, his wife, three children, and their
much loved young dog move into a new neighbourhood.
Wan and his wife rely on their oldest boy, Minh their ten year old son for most of
their everyday communication in English. Minhs English is much better than theirs.
Minh has already been in trouble with the nearest neighbour for breaking one of
their windows with an out-of-control ball and for leaving his bike on their common
driveway.
One day, the neighbour confronts Wan angrily. From what Wan understands, it
seems that the problem this time has to do with Wan's dog and its barking when the
family is out. The dog is always chained up in the back garden when they are out.
As the dog is pretty good when they are at home, Wan finds it hard to understand
the size of the problem to the neighbour.
Wan is keen to adopt a win/win approach to this conflict. What skills would be
helpful to him in analysing the conflict? What attitudes might assist him?
Explore some options Wan could consider, to move towards a win/win outcome.
Identify the major issues, the steps he could take and the skills he would need.

Aikido V.7

One day, Wan finds a poison bait in the garden near the neighbour's fence. The
dog does not seem to have eaten it but Wan is very angry at this and the danger it
presents not only to his dog but to his younger children.
How could Wan now maintain a win/win approach? Try to identify specific examples
of strategies he could use and of what he could say and do. Consider also how to
broaden the perspective on the conflict (e.g. re-define the win, re-balance a loss.
Take in the wider context or a longer timeframe.)

Aikido V.8

The Oval Part 1
Situated in a quiet suburban street and surrounded by bushland is an oval owned
by the local Council. It is marked up for cricket and is underused. The Soccer
Association is looking for a permanent location which can be properly fitted out for
night-time playing including floodlighting and a fence to allow money to be collected
for watching the game. The Soccer Association will pay the Council a handsome
rent and relieve it of the responsibility of maintaining the grounds. A Building
Application is before Council. Some residents hear of the application and are
furious. The oval is used as a recreation area, included in walks and used often for
exercising dogs. If the application goes through there will be no access for residents
and the residents believe that the fencing will spoil the look and charm of the bush
and oval walks. The traffic through their streets will be greatly increased when
games are on and the night-time floodlighting will interfere with native bird and
animal life.
A concerned resident, Audrey Tomkins is keen to adopt a win/win approach to this

conflict. What skills would be helpful to her in analysing the conflict? What attitudes
might particularly assist her?
Explore some options Audrey could consider, to move towards a win/win outcome.

Aikido V.9

The Oval Part 2
Audrey, with some other residents, calls a meeting in a local hall one evening to
discuss the issues. Council Aldermen and the local MP are invited to attend and do
so. The Soccer Association has not replied to its written invitation. Though the
Association may have an observer at the meeting, it is impossible to tell as the
crowd is large and the association hasn't chosen to have an official guest to speak
from the dais. The Mayor states that the Council has decided to give the lease to
the Soccer Association because of its benefits to the community. Some residents
want to fight this issue on legal grounds claiming that a lease to the Soccer
Association infringes existing zoning regulations. Also, there are questions about
noise pollution levels and suggestions that protection may be gained through a
state government environmental authority. The meeting degenerates as some
residents start abusing the Mayor and the Aldermen, and others walk out.
How could Audrey now maintain a win/win approach? Try to identify specific
examples of strategies she could use and of what she could say and do. Consider
also how to broaden the perspective on the conflict (e.g. redefine the win, rebalance a loss, take in the wider context or a longer timeframe.)

Aikido V.10

A fund-raising organisation previously run totally by volunteers has been in
existence for many years, helped by many dedicated people.
Now, a government grant makes it possible to employ some help. A full time coordinator is appointed by the Managing Board, but not from within the group of
volunteers. Some ex-volunteers also start to receive payments for work performed.
Some volunteers now find their support redundant with paid people performing
tasks they used to do for nothing.
The co-ordinator is making these decisions on the basis of putting the organisation
on a more professional footing as increased professionalism had been a stated goal
of the Board.
There is now a very volatile mixture of paid and unpaid people working for the
organisation. Unpaid staff resent the newcomers. Paid staff often complain about
the haphazard methods used by voluntary staff. A number of volunteers are pulling
out. A particularly respected and valuable volunteer gives notice that she will no
longer be offering her help.
The co-ordinator is keen to adopt a win/win approach to this conflict. What skills
would be helpful to her in analysing the conflict? What attitudes might assist her?
Explore some options the co-ordinator could consider, to move towards a win/win
outcome. Identify the major issues, the steps she could take and the skills she
would need.

Aikido V.11

The end of year figures are out and the proportion of money spent on administration
to money dispensed to the charity is disturbingly high. The two camps paid staff
and volunteers still fight. Immediate action is required to address concerns from
the Board and before the press make the figures public. The Board is particularly
concerned about the ongoing discontent, the high administration costs and the
public image of the organisation. It is questioning the ability of the co-ordinator to do
the job.
How could the co-ordinator now maintain a win/win approach? Try to identify
specific examples of strategies she could use and of what she could say and do.
Consider also how to broaden the perspective on the conflict (e.g. redefine the win,
re-balance a loss, take in the wider context or a longer timeframe.)

Aikido V.12

Sixty migrant women from various ethnic groups, work in a large textile factory.
They have been told that they will need to re-negotiate their work conditions as the
factory is running at a loss. Their local union representatives are highly articulate
and often choose confrontationist strategies. The women fear that if they involve
them, the management may start sacking people, be reluctant to consider some
important concerns, or may close the factory altogether. At this stage, no-one
amongst the staff has volunteered to represent the group to management. Childminding, flexible hours, and job-sharing are some of their issues.
Dimitra, an employee of five years, is keen to adopt a win/win approach to this

conflict. What skills would be helpful to her in analysing the conflict? What attitudes
might assist her?
Explore some options Dimitra could consider, to move towards a win/win outcome.

Aikido V.13

A meeting has been called and three women, one of whom is Dimitra, together go
to management to negotiate on behalf of everyone. They are told that ten women
are to be dismissed and that management will finalise these dismissals before
looking at any other issues.
On reporting back to the other women, the general opinion is that it is now time to
involve the union. Striking is an option they feel they must consider.
How could Dimitra now maintain a win/win approach? Try to identify specific
examples of strategies she could use and of what she could say and do. Consider
also how to broaden the perspective on the conflict (e.g. redefine the win, rebalance a loss, take in the wider context or a longer timeframe.)

Aikido V.14
"Until one is committed there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness"
(W. H. Murray)
Three major things I learned are:

_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
Three skills I commit to use regularly are:

_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
Three specific actions I will take are:

_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
I will check back with myself regarding the above on

(dates):
_____________
______________
_____________
______________
Signed:

Aikido V.15
Aikido
Objectives:
To introduce participants to Aikido

To raise participants awareness of the value of centreing in managing
conflict.
Session Time:
1 hour: Sections A and B
Sections:
A. Introduction to AIKIDO
IV.17
B. Aikido and its Relevance to CR
IV.18
Activities:
Aikido Exercises
A.IV.1

Aikido V.16
Aikido
This is a valuable addition to the material in Chapter 4. Appropriate Assertiveness, Chapter
5. Co-operative Power and Chapter 6. Managing Emotions.
However, it would not be appropriate for trainers who have not had direct experience of
these or very similar exercises in a Conflict Resolution or other course, to attempt this
material.
PPPP.
Introduction to AIKIDO
(10 minutes)
(See Chapter 6. Managing Emotions: Section A.)
Question:
When confronted with conflict, do you ever feel overwhelmed,

anxious and can't think of the appropriate thing to say or do?
Question:
What happens in your body? What do you notice?
Discussion:

Our body responses seem to take over.
We may feel disconnected from what is really happening.
We may feel off balance.
We may feel stiffness or tightening of muscles, particularly in our
neck, shoulders, jaw and chest.
In this session we are going to explore a technique called centreing to
assist us to be less "off balance'' when confronted with conflict.
This particular technique is based upon the principles of a Japanese
martial art known as Aikido. AI means harmony, KI means energy (as
the Chinese ''chi'' in Tai Chi), DO means the way. So AI KI DO is the
way of harmonising energy. As a martial art, Aikido aims to render an
attack harmless without doing harm to the attacker. This aligns with
the conflict resolution principle of being hard on the issue and soft on
the person.
When confronted with conflict, our thoughts may tell us to use a
particular conflict resolution skill, although our body reaction may be to
attack or withdraw fight or ''flight''.
The skill of centreing helps us to have our thoughts, behaviour and
body responses in greater alignment.

Aikido V.17
Specifically, centreing assists us to:

focus our thoughts on desired outcomes
feel balanced and stable
embrace rather than resist conflict
relate to the other person as a partner rather than as an opponent
look for the opportunity that the conflict is bringing
flow with the problem rather than against it.
The Aikido approach is based upon the key principles of choosing to
be centred; accepting our connectedness, and the power of discovery.
For exploration of these principles, see Tom Crum The Magic of
Conflict (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1987).
Group Activity:
QQQQ.
Aikido Exercises: participants are taught some simple Aikido

exercises to experience the sensation of centredness. (See Aikido
Activities, p A.IV.1.)
Aikido and its Relevance to CR

(10 minutes)
Question:
How might centreing be useful to us in our daily lives?
Discussion:

We may feel more relaxed.
We may be less stressed.
We may be able to think more clearly.
We may be less anxious.
Question:
How might we apply centreing in conflict situations?
Discussion:

It might help us to be more in control of our body reaction to enable
us to respond rather than react to a conflict.
It might enable us to make an I statement more clearly.
It may help us to handle someone elses anger because we feel
more balanced, more personally powerful and less threatened.
It might help us harness our own emotions and communicate them
constructively.
Question:
What are some of the triggers that might help us to remember to

centre?

Aikido V.18
Discussion:

Say the word centre to ourselves.
Notice our breathing.
Unlock our jaws.
Remind ourselves of centreing before walking through the door to
an important meeting.
Remember to centre when the phone rings, just before we answer
it. This provides an opportunity to practice this skill so we become
used to centreing, and can do so quickly and easily when its
needed.
Concluding comments:
We rarely remain centred for more that a few moments. Regular
practice will have a cumulative effect upon our whole system,
especially in managing stress. Every time we centre, we consolidate it
as a habitual response so that it is more readily accessible. When
conflict occurs, we can use centreing to be less reactive and more
responsive to the circumstances that are presented to us.
Conclude this session with this story:
The Schoolroom
This is the story of a particular class of high school students, prone to
playing pranks on new teachers, just to try them out.
One Monday morning they knew that they were to have a new English
teacher. As usual, they all got together to plan a surprise. They
decided that at 10.18am precisely, by the wall clock, they would all
pick up their books from their desk and drop them loudly on the floor. It
should be fun to see her response to that!
At 10.17am the teacher had her back to the class, writing the
homework project on the board, a big smile went around the room.
BANG! Everyone dropped their books. This was no ordinary teacher.
She put the chalk down, calmly walked to her desk, picked up her
books, dropped them loudly on the floor, looked up to the waiting
students and said Sorry, Im late!
This teacher was able to embrace the conflict with the students and
flow with it. She demonstrated that she was her students partner, not
their opponent.

Aikido V.19
Aikido Activities
Aikido Exercises
Context:
We all have conditioned body responses to conflict, usually in the form

of fight or flight. Aikido, a Japanese martial art, meaning the way to
harmonise energy (AI harmony, KI energy, DO the way) provides a
physical parallel for many of the verbal skills in this manual (See
Chapter IV, Aikido; Section A)
Time:
40 minutes
Aims:
To provide participants with a physical experience of the Flow

concept (see Win/Win Approach, Appropriate Assertiveness,
Managing Emotions) by doing a variety of exercises.
To explore the skill of centreing.
Requirements:
Clear space in the room so that participants can move around freely.
Remove restrictive clothing e.g. high heeled shoes, jackets etc.
Instructions:
We're going to do a series of exercises to experience the feeling of

centredness. We will be working together in partnership, assisting
each other to experiment with these exercises.
We need some guidelines that will help to make us feel comfortable
and create an environment in which we can learn.
First, we need to remember to touch each other gently and with
respect. Work as partners not opponents.
When testing, avoid sharp, jerky movements. Don't take the other
person by surprise. Provide a smooth, steady resistance to help them
learn a new body response.
Third, the way we experience these exercises is different for each
person. There is no right and wrong, and no should or shouldn't. We
just need to accept whatever response we get. (If you have explored
the Perfection/Discovery model in Chapter 2. Creative Response:
Section C, you can encourage participants to use a Discovery
Approach, as discussed there, in experiencing the Aikido exercises.)
To help us experience the impact of the exercises, we'll use a variety
of images and metaphors. As we do the exercises, we may think of
other images and metaphors. This is valuable as it makes the
experience more powerful, and more appropriate to our individual
needs.

Bioenergetics V.1
Ask participants to divide into pairs, finding partners who are about the
same physical size as themselves. Then lead them through the
following exercises. Demonstrate each exercise with a participant as
you explain it, before all the participants take their turn.
UNBREAKABLE CIRCLE
Step 1
In this first exercise, Im going to ask my partner to hold out his/her
hand and make a firm circle with their thumb and forefinger (as in
Figure 1 below.)
I am now going to try to separate my partner's fingers by taking hold of
each of them and pulling them apart: my partner is going to resist me.
In other words, he/she is going to try and keep their fingers together,
while I try to pull them apart (as in Figure 2 below.)
Demonstrate this.
We can feel how much strength and effort it takes to resist each other.
Now ask participants to try this first one partner, then the other.
Step 2
This time we are going to do something different. Without using
physical strength, my partner is going to hold his/her fingers as before
and try to prevent me from opening them. Im going to ask my partner
to do this by imagining as clearly as possible that his/her fingers form a
very strong, solid, steel ring that cannot be broken.
It might be helpful to use an image or association, like a wedding ring
or a ring on a horse's harness, to help ''know'' that the steel ring is
unbreakable.
Demonstrate this.
Now ask participants to try this first one partner, then the other.

Bioenergetics V.2
Discussion:
Did you notice any differences between the first time you tried it using
strength, and the second time using the image of an unbreakable steel
ring? What did you experience?
Important Points to Cover

Our minds are capable of making images that change our physical
strength in directly testable ways. We can have a lot of control over our
body's energy once we recognise it and give it attention. Energy
follows attention.
BASIC CENTREING EXPERIENCE

We are now going to explore a technique known as centreing. Once
again, it has to do with attention and where we focus energy in our
bodies. The centre of gravity of any mass is the infinitely small point of
most stability from where it is least likely to lose balance.
This time I want you to work as individuals.
Stand comfortably, balanced on both feet, hip-width apart.
Now relax and loosen your body.
Lift your feet, one at a time, and rotate your ankles.
Bend your knees slightly, making sure they're not locked.
Gently sway your hips, stretch your spine, and lift and lower your
shoulders.
Very gently and slowly, lower your head towards your chest, and raise
it again, to ease your neck.
Now take a deep breath, hold it for a moment and let it out with a sigh.
Then breathe easily. (Pause)
Now place your thumb on your navel and wrap your hand around your
stomach below this. Nestle your other hand into the small of your back.
Between these two hands lies the centre of your body.
Ask participants to take their full attention to the inside of their bodies
between their two hands, and to become more aware of their centres.
Ask them to let their breathing drop down to their centres.
Participants may first close their eyes to focus their attention fully.
Then, ask them to experiment maintaining attention on their centre
with their eyes open and looking around the room.
Allow 2 minutes.
Discussion:

How did it feel?

Bioenergetics V.3
EXPERIENCING STABILITY CHOOSING TO BE CENTRED

Step 1
In this exercise, were going to experience the stability that arises from
being centred. First, well do what we call the wobble test. Im going
to ask my partner to stand with her feet side-by-side, a comfortable
distance apart. Im going to stand to the side of my partner, facing her.
Now. Ill place one hand behind her back, but not actually touching her,
and the other hand lightly on the upper part of her chest (as in figure 3
below.)
Figure 3
Im going to gently and steadily increase the pressure on my partners

chest until she loses her balance. Ill keep my hand behind her back to
reassure her that she wont fall backwards.
Demonstrate and then ask partners to try this first one partner, then
the other.
Discussion:

How much effort did it take to unbalance your partners?
Step 2
Were going to do a similar exercise again. Im going to gently apply
pressure to my partners chest, with my other hand close to her back
to prevent her from falling. But, first Im going to ask my partner to
become centred. Im going to ask her to unlock her knees, to breathe
easily and to put her full attention on the centre of her body. She may
like to put her hand near her centre to help focus her attention. Theres
no hurry. (Pause) When she feels comfortably centred, I want her to
signal to me (as in Figure 3 above.) Now, Im going to gently and
steadily increase the pressure on her chest for a short time. Watch
what happens.
Demonstrate this.

Bioenergetics V.4
Ask your partner what he/she noticed and felt. Also ask other
participants what they observed.
Now ask partners to try this first one partner, then the other.
Discussion:

How did it feel?

When we are centred we feel calm and in charge of ourselves. As we
go through the day we won't remain centred. However, with practice, it
takes only a moment to focus again on our centre.
EXPANDING STABILITY EMBRACE CONFLICT

This exercise adds more skill to the previous exercise: ''Experiencing
Stability: Choosing to be centred.
In this exercise we will practise focusing again on centreing. I'm going
to ask my partner to think of a current problem that is worrying her. I
want my partner to imagine her problem is on the tip of my index
finger, which I am holding about 30 cm away from her. When she has
all her attention on the tip of my finger, I place that finger on her nose.
Demonstrate with a partner. Do this light-heartedly.
Now, we really have a problem. We both look stupid!
I do the wobble test with my other hand, applying pressure to her
chest. If all her attention is indeed on her nose (the problem), she'll
wobble. Now I ask my partner to centre, while I still have the ''problem''
pressed on her nose.
I do the wobble test again. If she has centred, she will not wobble.
Now without seriously hurting her, l take her attention away from her
centre again, by standing on one of her feet another problem! I do
the wobble test. Is she still centred or has she ''lost'' it? If she has, I
give her a moment to centre and, with one finger on her nose, and one
foot on her foot (problems everywhere!), I do the wobble test again.
Now ask partners to try this first one partner then the other.
Discussion:
What did you notice? How did it feel?

Centring is not a philosophical concept. It is tangible and testable. It
rests on the intimate relationship between mind and body. Don't expect
to stay centred; expect to keep going back to centre. When the going
gets tough, centre!

Bioenergetics V.5
THE UNBENDABLE ARM EXTENDING OUR TERRITORY

In this exercise, were going to experience the idea of extending our
energy out from our centre.
Step 1
Im going to ask my partner to stand comfortably with his arm held out
to one side at shoulder height. Im going to stand in front of my partner
and grasp his arm with my hands. Ill put one hand on top of his upper
arm like this, and the other underneath his forearm. He keeps his wrist
turned to the front (as in Figure 4 below)
Now Im going to ask my partner to try to keep his arm straight as I
apply steady pressure and try to bend it at the elbow (as in Figure 5
below). Be careful not to attempt to bend your partners arm in the
wrong direction and cause injury.
Figure 4
Figure 5
Demonstrate this.
Discussion:

Highlight the struggle and the effort involved. Now ask partners to try
this first one partner, then the other.
Step 2
This time, Im going to ask my partner to become centred before I
attempt to bend his arm. I want him to use his mind and extend his
energy rather than resist me with force and struggle.
So, Im going to say to my partner: imagine that your centre is an
infinite reservoir, gushing water/energy, and that your outstretched arm
is a fire hose connected to this reservoir. Your fingers are the nozzle.
Now, think of something outside the room that you want to spray water
on such as a garden, a pathway or a fire. Turn on a powerful flow of
the water/energy from your centre and imagine yourself as a fire
hydrant with the water coming from your centre. Your arm will be like a
fire hose when the water pressure is on. Keep the elbow slightly bent.
Wave your fingers a little to be sure you are not tensing up. This is
about relaxed strength, so dont make images that would make you
anxious or desperate.

Bioenergetics V.6
Encourage your partner to include his own detail, to visualise his own
images, and involve his other senses so that the image is real for him.
When my partner has a strong, clear image, I'll ask him to signal me
that he's ready. (Pause) Now I'll try, as I did before, to bend his arm. I
won't jerk his arm; instead I'll apply a smooth, steady pressure (as in
Figures 4 and 5 above.)
Now ask partners to try this first one partner, then the other.
Discussion:

How did it feel?

Your real strength is strength of mind a strength that comes from
relaxation and a powerful flow of energy into the situation. Often when
we are in conflict, we contract and shut down our energy. Aikido
teaches us to do just the opposite.
Our energy is not just flowing through our arm, of course; it flows from
our centre, through our whole body, radiating out into the situation.
Aikido master Koichi Tohei in Ki in Daily Life (Japan: Ki No Kenkyukai
H.Q., 1978) says ''lf you maintain the one point (i.e. centre), even if
you do not think that your mental strength is flooding forth, ki will be
flowing out from your entire body. p49. In other words, the essence of
this approach is centreing. From it comes calm, flowing power.
TRIBUTARIES CONNECTING, FLOWING WITH, DIRECTING

This exercise is an extension of the previous one, and explores our
attitude of connecting with the other person, and flowing with her as a
partner not an opponent.
This time: I'll ask my partner to do the same as in the previous
exercise but first to picture me as her (or his) opponent in a conflict. I'll
ask her to imagine again her infinite reservoir of energy/water, her arm
as a hose and the water/energy flowing through and directed where
she wants it to go. I am trying to bend her arm (as in Figure 4.) She
might note how disconnected she feels from me. Here I am huffing and
puffing and it seems like she doesn't care at all.
In conflict, this attitude might make us powerful, but it certainly isn't
win/win. Win/win is about connecting and flowing with the other
person. Now I ask my partner to picture that my hands on her arm are
not resisting but are additional hoses adding more energy/water to her
own like a tributary flowing into a stream. Now she is connected to me.
She is using my energy. She can relate to me. We can make eye
contact with each other. My partner makes a shift in attitude, feels
good to be helped, knowing there is more water/energy available for
the task at hand.

Bioenergetics V.7
Now ask partners to try this first one partner then the other.
Discussion:

How did it feel?

Ideally, in conflict, my partner also directs his/her energy to be a
support or tributary. Our personal power connects and flows towards
successful outcomes. Life doesn't often give us that, of course.
Whether or not our partner plays win/win, the skill is to consciously
involve ourselves with the other person's energy, flowing with it and
directing it positively. A reframing question is an excellent way to do
this verbally. After a few times of working with us in conflict, our
opponents may well start to get the message. Our aim in connecting is
to turn our opponents into partners with whom we create better
solutions.
LIFTING A TREE CHANGING THE RELATIONSHIP

This exercise is most suitable for physically fit and comfortably
dressed groups. Some participants may prefer to watch rather than
participate. It can just be a demonstration at the front of the room,
without full group participation.
You may choose to be the person who demonstrates being centred.
Step 1 below is written for when this is the case. In this circumstance,
choose two fit, reasonably strong volunteers of roughly equal height.
Demonstrate as you explain.
Step 1
I need two volunteers to help me. I will stand between the two. I'm
going to ask my two volunteers to lift me up. I will hold both my arms
straight down. Each of the volunteers will take one of my hands in one
of their hands. With their other hand, they will hold my elbow (as in
Figure 6 below.) Now I want them to lift me up, and notice how much
effort this takes (as in Figure 7 below.)
If the volunteers don't manage to fully lift you off the ground,
participants still get an idea of the weight/effort involved.
)
Figure 6
Figure 7

Bioenergetics V.8
Step 2
This time, l will centre and allow the sense of my body weight to let
down and connect with the ground. When Im ready, I'll ask the
volunteers to lift me again.
It is likely that the volunteers won't be able to lift you, even though
you're not actually resisting them.
Some participants may want to experience the exercise for
themselves. Others may want to watch.
The person to be lifted may prefer to use another image of a sturdy,
old well rooted tree, put their awareness into the soles of the feet and,
as the sense of body weight lets down, to make a connection with the
roots, deep into the earth.
Discussion:

How did it feel?
VARIATION
If the person demonstrating is light enough to be easily held in the air,
he/she can make the image of connecting to the earth after being
raised and while still being held up. The supporting partners suddenly
and dramatically cannot hold up the person demonstrating any more,
or find it much more difficult.

This exercise demonstrates that there is a tangible difference when
you acknowledge connection in this case with the earth. There is an
observable change in the dynamics of the situation, when the
relationship between the three people and the earth changed.
In conflict you may well need to feel connected with the earth. It gives
you a strong sense of being integrally involved in the situation. You
don't feel like you're a ''pushover'.
As you become centred, allowing your energy to flow and connect with
others and the earth, the whole relationship changes.

Bioenergetics V.9
Bioenergetics
Objectives:
To become aware of the way in which emotional tensions are stored in

our muscles.
To learn some bioenergetic exercises to help release these tensions.
Session Times: 1 hour:
Sections AC
Recommended: Managing Emotions
Sections:
Activities:
A. Experiencing Emotions in our Bodies
V.11
B. An Introduction to Bioenergetics
V.13
C. Bioenergetics in Context
V.13
A.V.14

Bioenergetics V.10
Bioenergetics
Releasing Tension Through Movement
This is a valuable addition to the material in Chapter 6. Managing Emotions. It is particularly
relevant to participants who find dealing with emotions in conflict very difficult, or who want
to learn ways of releasing anger and managing stress.
However, it would not be appropriate for trainers who have not had direct experience of
these exercises in a Conflict Resolution (or other) course, to attempt this material.
RRRR.
Experiencing Emotions in our Bodies

(15 minutes)
(See Chapter 6. Managing Emotions: Section A.)
Choose the question below most relevant to your group.
Question:
Think of a recent conflict. What emotion(s) did you feel? In what

part of your body did you feel them?
or
Question:
Where in your body do you feel anger?

or
Question:
Where in your body do you feel stress?
Discussion:
Ask participants to jot down and then share their responses. In

''butterflies'' and churning in the stomach
stiffness, tight muscles and tension in neck, shoulders, jaw and
chest
headache
pain in lower or upper back
soreness in legs
fidgeting.

Bioenergetics V.11
Question:
What are some of the ways we express or deal with our

emotions?
(See Chapter 6. Managing Emotions: Section B.)
Discussion:

Short term
Long term
take time-out
exercise
doodle
talk
stamp your foot
listen
snap a pencil
meditate
tear up a piece of paper
cuddle
wash-up
Question:
Many of these ways are physical or involve activity. Are you

aware of a physical release, or a sense of relaxation in your body,
after you've expressed emotions in these ways?
Discussion:

lt may feel cathartic.
We may feel physically tired or weak.
We may feel invigorated.
Question:
What happens if we don't express our emotions?
Discussion:

ill health
stress
withdrawal
explosion
diminished capacity to experience pleasure and happiness.

Bioenergetics V.12
SSSS.
An Introduction to Bioenergetics
(30 minutes)
See Alexander Lowen MD and Leslie Lowen The Way to Vibrant
Health: A Manual of Bioenergetic Exercises (New York: 1977).
Bioenergetics is a way of understanding our body, how much energy
we have, and how we use it. It is based on the idea that what goes on
in our minds reflects what is happening in our bodies and vice versa.
Every stress produces tension in the body. Normally, tension
disappears when stress is relieved, but if we have chronic stress,
tensions can persist in our muscles. This may disturb our emotional
health, so we feel less energetic and ''blocked up". We're no longer as
mobile nor as self-expressive.
Bioenergetic exercises can help relieve this chronic tension. They are
designed to make us aware of which muscles are tense and to release
these tensions through appropriate movement.
So doing bioenergetic exercises on a regular basis allows our bodies
to let go of the chronic muscle tension that causes us to feel
emotionally numb.
Group Activity:
TTTT.
Bioenergetic Exercises: participants are taught some simple

bioenergetic exercises to release emotional tensions. (See
Bioenergetic Activities, p A.V.1.)
(20 minutes)
Bioenergetics in Context
Bioenergetics is one tool for managing emotions and dealing with
stress. We can also combine bioenergetics with other long and short
term methods for expressing our emotions (see Chapter 6. Managing
Emotions: Section B) and managing our stress.
As well, explore the sources of persistent emotional tension (e.g. see
Chapter 7. Willingness to Resolve) and consider practical solutions for
reducing stress (time management strategies, reducing workload,
delegating tasks etc.)

Bioenergetics V.13
Bioenergetics Activities
Context:
Our feelings and thoughts find expression in our bodies. Similarly, our
physical state affects our emotional state. By releasing muscle tension,
we can often release emotional tension. (See Chapter V
Bioenergetics: Section B)
Time:
20 minutes (Ensure that there is sufficient flexibility in programming to

adequately debrief and support participants.)
Aim:
To learn some bioenergetic exercises as a means of getting in touch

with and releasing emotions
Instructions:
We're going to learn a few bioenergetic exercises.

Most people find these exercises very valuable. Some people find
them so powerful that they can feel quite emotionally disturbed after
doing them, particularly if they're feeling tired, stressed or upset
beforehand.
If you do feel disturbed, and you wish to stop, please do. If you want to
continue, then do that also. After we've completed the exercises
there'll be time to talk with a partner about what you felt. As well,
please see me to talk further if you feel you need to. If you are nursing
a physical injury, please only do what is appropriate for your own body.
Ask participants to make themselves comfortable to learn the
exercises: remove shoes and close fitting jackets and find themselves
a space to work in about a metre away from anyone else.
These few exercises will make us more aware of different muscles,
and release some of the stored tension. If we deliberately put a muscle
under stress by contracting it, then, when we relax it, it relaxes past
the level of tension it had before.

Bioenergetics V.14
BASIC ORIENTING POSITION

(referred to as BOP in text below)
Purpose: to ''let go'' and let our attention
drop down to our feet.
Stand with your feet parallel, about 20cm (8")
apart.
Put your weight on the balls of your feet.
Bend your knees slightly.
Relax your pelvis let it fall slightly.
Keep the upper part of your body straight and
relaxed.
Relax your jaw mouth slightly open.
Let your belly out.
Arms should be floppy. (Make the joke: dumb,
loose and floppy.)
Drop your pelvic floor.
Breathe easily and deeply.
Allow 23 minutes. Remind them of the
instructions and, particularly, to breathe
deeply.
FOOT TURNING
Purpose: to release tensions in the arches
of your feet.
Stand as in the first exercise (BOP).
(Remind them of how this is done.)
Roll onto the outside edges of your feet.
Allow 20 seconds.
Move your feet back to their central
position.
Now roll onto the inside edges of your feet.
Continue breathing deeply.
Allow 10 seconds.

Bioenergetics V.15
BASIC GROUNDING
Purpose: release pain and tensions in the
legs.
Stand as in the first exercise (BOP).
(Remind them of how this is done.)
Now bend your left knee slightly.
Shift all your weight onto your left foot.
Keep your body facing forward. Don't twist
it.
Let your right foot rest lightly flat on the
floor.
Hold that position until it feels
uncomfortable.
Allow 2030 seconds.
Now do the same with the other leg.
STRETCH
Purpose: to stretch muscles in the chest
wall and relax tension in the throat.
Stand as in BOP, but this time with your feet
about 45cm (18") apart
BOP
Reach your hands up into the air, as if to
touch the ceiling.
Note any tensions in your body. Is there
tightness in your throat or your chest? Is
there pain or tingling in your arms or fingers,
shoulder joints or along the sides of your
body?
Reach backwards. As you do, let go with your
voice. Let out a sound (ahaaa!)
Encourage noise. Allow 20 seconds.
Come back to the standing position.

Bioenergetics V.16
BOW
Purpose: to open up breathing more fully,
to release tension in the legs and in the belly.
Stand as in BOP, but with feet about 45cm (18'')
apart.
Place both your fists, with knuckles facing
upwards, into the small of your back.
Bend both your knees, without lifting your heels off
the floor.
Arch gently backward over your fists.
Make sure your weight remains forward on the
balls of your feet.
Breathe deeply and into your belly.
Keep your neck in line with your spine.
Hold. You may experience vibration of muscles;
hold as long as this is pleasant.
When you come out of this exercise, go
straight over into the bent forward position.
(See Bend below.)
BEND
Purpose: to relax the muscles in the legs
and back.
Keep your legs in the same position as they
have been in Bow.
Bend over slowly and let your fingertips gently
touch the floor with no weight.
Keep your weight on the balls of your feet.
Let your head drop and hang loosely.
Breathe through your mouth.
Straighten knees slowly, but only as much as
is comfortable, to feel a slight hamstring
stretch.
Slowly and gently return to the standing
position.

Bioenergetics V.17
ARM CIRCLES
Purpose: to release tension around
shoulder joints and the sides of your body.
Stand as in BOP.
Extend both your arms sideways, level
with your shoulders.
Slowly swing your arms forward and down
past your sides, breathing out gently as
you do so.
Now as you bring your arms upwards for
the next swing, breathe in.
Keep doing the swings, gradually moving
and breathing faster with each swing.
Do this until your arms begin to tire.
GET OFF MY BACK

Purpose: to have a sensation of lifting a
burden off your back, to straighten up your
back.
Stand as in BOP.
Bend your elbows and raise them to shoulder
height.
Now, with some force, thrust your elbows
backwards.
Bring your elbows forward, and thrust them
back again.
As you do it, shout something like: ''Get off my
back'' or ''Leave me alone.'' Do this several
times.

Bioenergetics V.18
NECK ROTATION
Purpose: to release pressure between the
joints of the neck vertebrae.
Stand as in BOP.
Let your head roll forward lightly.
Let your shoulders hang as low as possible.
Roll your head in a forward direction gently
and slowly from left to right and then right to
left like a pendulum. Do not complete the
circle by letting the head drop right back.
Breathe slowly and easily.
Keep your eyes open.
Focus on objects that pass your line of
vision.
Blink your eyes often.
Do this three times.
PELVIC THRUST
Purpose: to sense tensions in your pelvic area
and mobilise the lower part of your body.
Stand as in BOP but with your feet about 30cm
(12') apart.
Keep your weight on the balls of your feet.
Keep your knees bent.
Tilt your pelvis backwards by arching your lower
back slightly.
Hold for a few seconds.
Now, let your pelvis tilt forward by pressing on
the balls of your feet and breathing out.
Repeat several times.
This exercise can also be used to release anger locked in the pelvis.
With appropriate groups, repeat the exercise encouraging the thrust to
be faster and for people to repeat their own angry phrases e.g. ''You
idiot" etc. This can be alienating for conservative groups and is usually
inappropriate in a workplace setting. However, it is an extremely
valuable personal development exercise in the right setting.

Bioenergetics V.19
EYES CLOSED REVIEW

Purpose: to become aware of the
sensation of relaxed muscles.
(Have gentle music playing quietly for this
relaxation time.)
Sit down or lie on the floor.
Close your eyes and relax.
Take small sipping breaths at your natural
breathing pace.
Imagine that each breath is sweet nectar
gradually flowing through you, and
particularly into all the muscles and joints
you have stimulated during the exercises.
Allow about 45 minutes.
Gently open your eyes.
Pair Discussion: Ask participants to share their responses to these exercises with a
partner.
Discussion:

Did you become aware of tension in particular muscles?
Did your sense of relaxation alert you to previously held tension?
How might these exercises be useful to you?
Do they link with other exercise or relaxation strategies that you
already use?

Bioenergetics V.20

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CONFLICT RESOLUTION

CONFLICT RESOLUTON NETWORK

First published in Australia in 1993,

Icebreakers and Energisers

THE TWELVE SKILLS OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION

The Win/Win Approach

Mapping the Conflict

ADDITIONAL SKILLS AND APPLICATIONS

Running Conflict Resolution Courses

C. Ethical Considerations in Training

E. How to use the Conflict Resolution Manual 12 Skills

F. Acknowledging The Conflict Resolution Network

G. A Practical Guide to Becoming a Trainer in

H. Bibliography, Recommended Reading and DVDs/Videos

Icebreakers and Energisers

Id like you all to meet

Group Story Telling

Zip, Zap, Boing, Pop

Rhythm, Rhyme and Association

B. Introductions and Setting Goals for the Course

C. Recalling Personal Experience of Conflict

E. The Tools of Conflict Resolution

Levels of Conflict Exercise

The Win/Win Approach

B. How We Behave in Conflict

C. A Model for Understanding Behaviour in Conflict

D. The Principles of a Win/Win Approach

E. When Win/Win Seems Impossible

The Arm Wrestling Exercise

Fight, Flight, Flow: Some Behaviours

When Win/Win Seems Impossible

Key Features of the Win/Win Approach

B. Exploring Our Responses to Conflict:

C. Two Models for Approaching Conflict:

D. Looking for the Positive in Conflict

E. An Action Program for Developing More

Perfection and Discovery Approaches

B. Valuing Differences the DISC Exercise

C. Introduction to Empathy Blockers

D. Detailed Look at Empathy Blockers

E. Concluding Discussion: Empathy Blockers

F. Introduction to Active Listening

G. Listening to Gain Information

Listening to Give Affirmation

Listening When under Verbal Attack to Deal with

Experiencing Empathy Blockers

Experiencing the Difference Between Empathy

Identifying Feelings and Responding

Active Listening to Affirm

Behavioural Style Questionnaire

Differences in Behavioural Style

Identifying Feelings and Responding

Active Listening... Some Helpful Hints

Active Listening for Different Purposes

B. Understanding our Responses to Conflict

C. Needs and Rights

E. After an "I" Statement: Where to Next?

F. Additional Assertiveness Activities

Creating a Bill of Assertive Rights

Formulating "I" Statements

Experiencing the Difference between Aggressive and

Broken Record Technique