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additional comments in brackets. Please feel free to resubmit your paper for further review
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Thank you for choosing the Brainfuse Writing Lab, and best wishes with your revisions!

TUTOR RESPONSE FORM

Part 1 Overview
This is a decent start but it needs some work.

Part 2 Main Idea/Thesis

Your thesis is worded a little awkwardly. Don't surmise that vanity is the only reason people
wear makeup. It sounds judgmental on your part. I would just take out the phrase for
vanityaltogether. Also, for the sake of animal's suffering reads a little awkwardly. Put this in
active voice instead. For example, Because testing cosmetic products on animals causes
suffering, the practice should be banned. Or something like that.

Part 3 Introduction and Conclusion

In your introduction, you take a while to get to the main point animal testing. Re-read it and
consider how you can introduce your topic more quickly.
You need to restate your thesis at the beginning of your conclusion paragraph. And don't end on
the note of LUSH cosmetics. You still need one more sentence to summarize your whole paper
and end your reader on a general note.
Part 4 Development

You develop your paper with some good points but make sure you're always tying it back to your
thesis. Why are you talking about the tests used? Because they show the cruelty being used
toward animals. Again, always be sure to draw your reader back to your thesis.
Part 5 Organization
This is organized well but make sure each paragraph has an intro and concluding sentence. You
should never end a paragraph with a quote, you need at least one more sentence interpreting it
and drawing your reader back to your thesis.
Part 6 Style
I don't recommend using second person pronouns (you, your) in an academic paper. These are
mostly in your introduction paragraph.
Part 7 Grammar, Usage, and Mechanics
Please use The Brainfuse Essential Grammar Guide to identify and edit errors in grammar,
usage, and mechanics. You can view the guide by clicking on this link below and logging in to
Brainfuse:
http://www.brainfuse.com/curriculumupload//1381694219673.html
If you would like specific feedback on your grammar, usage, and mechanics, please resubmit
your paper and request a Grammar Review.
Singular subjects (who or what is completing the action or being described) must be
paired with singular verbs (the action work or word linking the subject to its description).
And vice versa (plural subjects with plural verbs). As a hint, singular verbs usually end in
s.
When quoting something from another source, this is how it should be formatted:
Blah blah blah, said Celie (Walker 123).

Notice that if its a statement, the direct quote will end with a comma inside
the quotation mark and the period will come after the parentheses. If the
quote is a question:
Blah blah blah? asked Celie (Walker 123).

Part 8 Formatting

APA

Ask your instructor for more information on the formatting that is required for this paper. If you
need to follow all aspects of APA formatting, please review the requirements listed below. For
more information on APA guidelines, please go to http://www.apastyle.org/learn/tutorials/basicstutorial.aspx

o Title Page: This page should include the running head, full title, your name, and the
name of the college that you attend. Make sure to center your full title, name, and
college.
o Page Numbering: Add page numbers to the top, right-hand corner of each page.
o Running Head: Add a version of the title to the header of each page. The letters
should all be capitalized, and there should be no more than 50 characters.
o Abstract:
Start the abstract on a new page after the title page and include the page header.
The header on all pages after the title page should no longer contain the words
Running head. It just lists the title of the paper.
On the first line of the page, center the word Abstract (no bold, formatting,
italics, underlining, or quotation marks).
The abstract is a double-spaced, single paragraph of 150250 words. The
paragraph is not indented. Summarize the key points of the paper including the
research topic, research questions, participants, methods, results, data analysis,
and conclusions.
o In-Text Citations: All data, indirect quotes, direct quotes, and ideas from other
sources need an in-text citation. You can follow this format.

(Smith, 2003, p.100)

Smith (2003) formulated this hypothesis: . (p.100)

o References:
The word References (no quotations) is centered at the top of a new page and is
not bolded, italicized, or underlined.
References are listed in alphabetical order by the authors name.
Every line after the first of each entry is indented.
This page is double-spaced just like the rest of the paper.
Capitalize only proper nouns and the first word of the title/subtitle of a chapter in
a book

Put the titles of books in italics

Provide the issue number for periodicals that are paged by issue

Do not put the name of a chapter in italics

Do not put the edition number of a book in italics.
Provide page numbers for print articles.

MLA
Ask your instructor for more information on the formatting that is required for this paper. If you
need to follow MLA formatting, please review the general guidelines below.
o Font: Times New Roman, 12 pt.
o Spacing: Double-space the text
o Margins: 1 inch on all sides.
o Indent: The first line of a paragraph should be indented by a half inch.
o Heading: Type your full name, your instructors name, the name of the course, and the
date in the upper left-hand corner of the first page.
o In-Text Citations: Include the author of each source followed by the page number.
(Smith 100)
Smith reflected on the decision: . (100).
Seem simple enough? Here are some possible complications:
(Note that the titles below are examples and not based on actual publications.)
You are citing

A website: (Smith et al., A Writer at Work) (Moore, Just Add Words)

Two different sources by one author: (Smith, Writing Lyrics 100) (Smith, The
New Musical 22) Note that the first example is a book, and the second example
is an article.
Two authors with the same name: (R. Smith, Writing Lyrics 100); (B. Smith,
Cole Porters Creativity 8)
A source with more than one author: (Cruz, Kim, Moore Staging a Musical 10)
A source without an author: (Memoirs of a Stage Manager 303)
A website: (Smith et al., A Writer at Work) (Moore, Just Add Words)

 Works Cited:
The word Works Cited (no quotations) is centered at the top of a new page and
is not bolded, italicized, or underlined.
Entries that are more than one line should have a hanging indent. (Every line
except for the first line is indented by 0.5 inches.)
Capitalize each word in titles except for articles, prepositions, or conjunctions.
However, the initial letter in the titles first word should always be capitalized.
Italicize the titles of full-length works and put shorter works in quotations.
Alphabetize the list of entries by the first authors last name.
Determine the medium of the source and use the MLAs guidelines for formatting
entries from that medium.

Additional Comments
I have also added specific comments to select paragraphs in your paper. You will find them in
brackets below.