8 tips on Powerful Networking for Introverts.

If you feel uneasy with the thought of networking for success you are probably an introvert. Like me,
you probably remember experiences of failed networking at school. Childrens parties were a
disaster for me I would invariably end the party (sometimes within an hour) by sitting alone on the
stairs crying. I desperately wanted a best friend but too many children were overwhelming and I
just couldnt cope at a party. It was a similar story when I started to attend the mandatory
networking events as an adult. Id swan around looking for a hiding place, pretended to be
interested in the pictures and finally would make my way to the toilet as a safe place to sit alone. At
least I didnt cry but sometimes I felt like it!
When I was at school the head teacher suggested my parents look for a psychiatrist for me after all
what child chooses to sit alone in a noisy playground or stares out of the window lost in her
imagination? Today she would understand that I am an introvert and to be technically correct, I am
probably a highly sensitive introvert*. There are a lot of us out there. Most psychologists seem to
estimate that 15-50% of us qualify.
Introverts can distrust networking as well as finding the social pressure difficult. Ever since I read
Dale Carnegies book How to win friends and influence people I have disliked the idea of using
friends to get ahead in life. Even worse, there was an era of pyramid marketing in the 80s when we
were encouraged to use our friends to get rich by networking them into a system. The whole thing
left me with a deeply uneasy feeling of insincerity and I refused all friend requests to join the
system!
Ive recently come to terms with my aversion to networking and have found a way to use the
advantages of my introvert nature to network effectively and even enjoy it. There are five areas of
awareness that have encouraged me:

Understanding the social brain. Throughout history much of our success as a species has
relied on solving problems and collaborating in teams to get things done. We are super
sensitive to any social rejection and unconsciously drawn to others in our social group. We
even create chemicals in our brains to manage social encounters. The reality is that who we
know has always determined how well we do.
Knowing that shyness is not the same as introversion. I have also become far more
confident and less shy over the years. Shyness and lack of confidence compound the
behaviour of introverts but it should not be confused with it. Extroverts can be shy and
introverts can be confident.
Learning about trait shifting. Introverts can act in an extrovert way (and vice versa). In fact,
it seems we all should if we want to get the benefits of both traits. Daniel Pink refers to
accessing your inner ambivert in his book To sell is human*. Over time I have learned that
I need to act as an extravert to do my job and I do. There is a great deal of evidence that
introverts can even enjoy being extrovert for short periods. Professor Brian Little has coined
this trait shifting. When we feel passionately about what we are doing, we can shift into
another trait area to fulfil it. *
Rejecting the old myths. When I was young, we were led to believe that having knowledge
and capability would result in success. Work hard and learn well and you will do well in life.

Age has taught me otherwise. Simply being the most knowledgeable person, or the most
experienced or most competent at the work will not guarantee anything. Its not what you
now but who you know that matters. The old social brain and its chemicals trump
knowledge and experience every time!
Getting into the super connected world. The last decade has revolutionized the ability to
connect through technology. Today, it is even more important to build networks and
maintain them. Globalisation and complex connections across cultures has created a focus
on collaboration for success. Technology that allows less in your face socializing and gives
each of us more control and has enabled introverts to have an advantage at last. Nothing
has replaced the importance of face to face relationships but one person at a time is fine.

Tips
Here are some practical tips that I find work for me:
1. Change your mindset. Stop thinking about networking and consider building relationships
one person at a time. You will soon have a small but beautiful network! Networking doesnt
need to be at large events. However, sometimes it is difficult to avoid the networking
opportunities that events offer. Get over your feeling that you are using your friends. You
arent. They wouldnt recommend you if they didnt rate you and hopefully there is a
reciprocal relationship here. This is different to selling your friends a network marketing
opportunity. Think more widely about your network; some of my inner circle people never
give me work but they offer invaluable advice and I support them in return.
2. Utilise your existing connections first. You may not be born to network but you may be born
with networks. You were probably born into or developed into a group that supports each
other. For instance, many years ago we had a friend who passed us work regularly. She was
a Catholic and often joked about the catholic mafia. In fact it was surprising how many
catholics were working with her. We are not catholic, but became honorary members of that
club through our friend for a short time. Religious groups identify easily with each other
another friend is Jewish with an even stronger support club. Unfortunately, neither my
partner not I have any strong religious bent. Neither are we gay (another very active club) or
part of the parent club (we couldnt have children) or from a minority culture. Whatever club
you naturally identify with, there will be a close knit opportunity for networking within it. If
you have no natural clubs like us, your friends may do. Start with your natural advantage.
3. Join interest groups. Even if you have no natural groups, you can become part of a group
that shares a common interest. Extraverts belong to many interest clubs because they like
people contact and look for interests as an excuse to join clubs. Rotary, Lions, womens
groups, and thousands of leisure clubs from rugby to bowls are full of extraverts and
introverts who are passionate about the cause or activity. Introverts like us have spent most
of our lives avoiding clubs; we have enough people contact in our work without using our
personal time being exhausted by making conversation with more people. It is important to
make sure that the club represents one of your passions and then the socialising will be
real and more worthwhile.
4. Have fewer, deeper relationships. There is no need to have 500 best friends choose the
ones you respect and enjoy being with. Over time your list will be huge. There is no evidence

that more contacts create a more effective network. Focus on quality relationships.
Networks only work well where there is a strong relationship at the core.

5.

If you dont like or respect someone, dont form a relationship and say no if
someone wants to form one with you. Stay in control.
Focus on each person as an individual and build a give and take relationship. Always
give first and give back.
Use your empathy to understand things from the others persons point of view and
offer what they need and want (not what you might want).

Identify inner, outer and acquaintance circles. A huge network is like a garden to me. I
plant new trees and need to spend time watering and feeding them for them to grow strong
over time. As I plant new trees, the older ones dont need quite as much attention but are
still there for me to sit under in years to come. They may not bear fruit for many years, and
some may die along the way, but I have given most of them a good start in life!
Similarly, I rarely have more than 5 people in my inner circle and they are usually people I
also work with. I have learned that I cant build close relationships with more than 5 people
at a time. The next circle has people I have had a relationship with, but they are not so active
in my life at present. I may check in with them once or twice a year. The outer circle has
those who are even more distant (in some cases I havent even seen them for 20 years) but
if I contacted them, we could be close again tomorrow because we started with a strong
relationship years ago.
Stay in touch with outer circles
Get rid of any relationship that is taking up time that could be used for a more
deserving person. You know who these people are inertia friends from way back
who take your time but you just dont feel right with them. Even worse people
who are using you to get what they want and not giving back, or people who are
negative and constantly destabilize you with criticism or negative comments.
Make sure that your circles are diverse if they all know each other you need to
widen your source of relationships.

6 Act out of style for a while. Trait shifting works and its fun! Just dont do it for too long.
Build your confidence by acting and become an extrovert for a while. Use your particular
introvert skills to enhance your extroversion!

Smile, touch (handshake usually) and listen to others.

Prepare for the meeting by doing some thinking and research about the person or
event. Remember, this is not about you it is about them. Imagine how you will
approach and talk with people and recall or research a couple of relevant stories / facts
that you might want to refer to.

Focus on the others, not yourself. Avoid that extrovert tactic of looking over the other
persons shoulder for a better option while they are talking. Those people see and feel
thatyou will not be forgiven!

Recognise others who might also be introvert and help them by talking with them.
Find a friendly face who you can rely on at first but dont stick with them to avoid
contact with others!

7 Use your energy well. It takes energy to switch on a different trait. You cant trait shift for
too long-find out how long that is for you. Ration relationship time. There is no need to
subject yourself to over-socialisation take time and form better relationships. Give yourself
regular quiet time or you will resent your time with others. You will become depleted by too
much exposure.

Say no to events when you are tired, feeling unwell, stressed or just over exposed.
Set modest goals for attendance at any event e.g. will talk to three people and find
out at least one thing that we have in common.
Ration social time each month.
Build your energy before an event by relaxing and taking time out (I often meditate on
the plane on my way to events no one knows I am doing it they think I am asleep)
Develop a routine for dealing with events. Routines reassure the brain and build
confidence. E.g. walk in and choose the first person you see with something red on and
walk over to talk with them. Always start conversations with the same sentenceand
have an escape sentence to end the conversation. Always slip away at a set time.

Use social media as a cheat way to maintain contact. Social media is the introverts friend.
Choose how to use it carefully. I use Facebook for my closest family and friends and LinkedIn
for my outer circles. Regular visits to Facebook enable me to maintain relationships without
meeting face to face. Posting photos and events automatically keeps others up to date so
that when you next meet, there is no need to regale them with your latest news. This is not
only time saving when you meet again but also maintains a feeling of constantly being in
touch with each other and maintaining the relationship.
LinkedIn allows me to find and keep up with any changes of job and circumstances of old
contacts as well as existing ones. Keeping your profile up to date is vital because others may
be looking searching you. I have recently had a CEO contact me after more than 10 years to
ask me to do some work. I first knew him 30 years ago when he was still a trainee. Luckily
our LinkedIn contact enabled him to find me again.
I have created two groups on LinkedIn and one on Facebook. In this way I can enjoy
interesting discussion around topics in groups where I have control. A perfect introvert
solution!
My rule is close friends and family only on Facebook (I reject offers from people I dont know
or who are only work acquaintances) and LinkedIn for business contacts. I am happy to
include anyone in the interest groups, because they virtually self-select according to our
shared interest. If you dont use social networking you may find it a very good outlet that
suits your need to sit alone and communicate at your own pace!

Introverts can be great networkers. They dont always connect at events, but they are brilliant at
forming deeper, long lasting relationships. The trick is to use the benefits of our natural trait and
then trait shift when we need to add the benefits of extroversion. Extroverts need to trait shift too
and apply some of the traits of the introverted networker. Success is built on social relationships and
networking is an unfortunate word, but whenever you hear it, know that you can be great by being
yourself and just adding a little of something else to be a great success.

References:
*
To sell is Human The surprising truth about moving others Daniel Pink. Riverhead books 2012 The
Ambivert advantage pages 80-84