As problem solver

Role model

Kids are always watching what you do. They see how you handle stress. They watch how you treat
other people. They look at how you deal with your feelings. Theyre very observant and they soak
in all that information like little sponges. One of the eight most important parenting skills is
providing your children with a positive example.
Modeling appropriate behavior is an important part of discipline. If you act in a way that you want
your kids to act, theyll learn just from watching you. That isnt to say theyll automatically start
behaving the same way, but theyll be better equipped to manage their behaviors.
Social Learning Theory
A famous psychologist, Albert Bandura, developed the Social Learning Theory. He surmised that
people learn by watching others. In his famous Bo-Bo doll experiment, he demonstrated how kids
learn by watching adults. After witnessing an adult become aggressive with an inflatable doll, the
kids began to imitate the behavior and they became more aggressive.
Proof that Kids Imitate You
You certainly dont need a fancy science experiment however to prove that kids imitate their
parents. How many times have you seen little girls putting on their mothers high heels and trying
on lipstick so they can look like mommy? Or how many little boys pretend to shave so they can be
like dad? Kids repeat what theyve heard you say and they imitate what theyve seen you do.
Examples of How Parents Can Accidentally Model Bad Behavior

A mother tells the cashier at a restaurant her 12-year-old son is only 11 so he can she can
get a discount at the buffet. She then yells at her son because he lies when he says he has his
homework done.

A father spends his evenings watching TV but tells his 14-year-old daughter she should
read more.

Parents tell their kids to treat everyone with respect yet they often make critical comments
the appearance of people who appear on the news.

A divorced couple argues frequently about custody issues and visitation but expect the kids
to get along with one another.

A mother tells her daughter to be kind to others but she yells at the store clerk when they
refuse to take back an item she had hoped to return.

A father tells his kids that they should eat healthy but he sneaks dessert after they go to
bed and doesnt exercise.

Parents tell their kids to share and be generous with what they have yet they dont get
involved in any sort of charity or volunteer work.

A father smokes cigarettes and while he has a cigarette in his hand, he tells his kids that
smoking is bad and they should never pick up the bad habit.

Parents tell their kids to take responsibility for their behavior yet when they forget about
their childs dentist appointment, they argue with the receptionist and tell her she clearly made
a scheduling error.

Follow Your Own Rules

Its really hard to model appropriate behavior for your kids all the time. However, you have
opportunities every day to provide your kids with learning experiences so they can see how to
behave appropriately.
Although you may find opportunities that you think are appropriate to bend the rules a little, kids
arent able to do this. For example, if you tell a little white lie by telling your friend you cant help
her move because you have a headache but you go to another social engagement instead, your
kids will learn that lying is acceptable.
Show your kids how to follow your household rules. Use discipline that teaches life skills and
explain how the rules will help them later in life. If you show kids that you value the household
rules, it will increase the effectiveness of your discipline strategies.
Live According to Your Values
One of the four biggest discipline mistakes parents make is not looking at the long-term impact of
discipline strategies. When it comes to modeling appropriate behavior, its important to instill
values in your kids that will help them to become healthy, responsible adults. The best way to
teach them values is to model them.

General tips

Let teachers know from the outset that you respect them as professionals who have
your childs best interests at heart.

Even if you find that you and a teacher disagree, be sure not to criticise the teacher
within earshot of your child.

When you sit down with a teacher to discuss a problem, its important to stay
focused on your goal: finding a solution.

Dont get sidetracked by looking for someone to blame the teacher, yourself, your
child or even another student.

Try to understand the situation in as much detail as time permits.

Problem-solving steps

Ask, What, exactly, is the problem? For example, if the problem is talking out of
turn, is your child talking with friends about the material being taught, chatting about
things that are unrelated to the class, or inappropriately shouting out the answers?
Its hard to solve any problem until you have the details.

Find out when the problem occurs during group time, desk time, or transitions
from one activity to another. Is the problem worse in the mornings, or after lunch?
Timing can be an important clue. For example, academic problems in the afternoon
might be a sign that the children are overtired. Perhaps your child is staying up too
late. Or your child could be experiencing a sleep problem, such as obstructive sleep

apnoea, which can make sleep less restful than it should be. (Think about this
especially if your child snores.)

Ask what happens right before the problem occurs, and right after. An
important pattern might emerge. For example, a childs misbehaviour consistently
results in the child being sent out of maths class. Could the acting out be a way to
avoid an academic subject that the child finds particularly difficult or frustrating? For
some children, this is a way of covering up a learning disability.

Make a list of all the things that have been tried so far. Resist the temptation
to say, Weve done everything! Nothing works! Although it might feel that way, there
are always other solutions to try.

Agree on a plan, and write it down so that everyone is clear on their role. For
example, your role as a parent might be to see that your child is in bed every night
by 8 pm. The teachers role might be to spend a few extra minutes each day making
sure that your child understands the homework. Your childs role might be to check
with the teacher to make sure all the homework assignments are written down
correctly, then check with you to make sure the homework is done and in the
schoolbag before your child starts playing.

Be sure to plan when you and the teacher will meet again, how youll measure
success (or lack of it), and how you will keep in communication with each other.

Dont expect to fix a complex problem in one single step. Instead, look for any
progress in the right direction. Agree ahead of time on a backup strategy if you get
to the point where you have reached a dead end with a given approach. Coming up
with a fresh strategy might involve calling in a school guidance counsellor, the
principal, a psychologist, a behaviourally oriented paediatrician, or other health
professional.

Dont be afraid to go to the next level and involve the principal or even the
department of education in your state. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you and
your child will hit an impasse with a particular teacher. Maybe theres a substantial
personality clash or a true incompatibility between the teaching style in a given
classroom and your childs learning style. Or maybe you cant figure out exactly what
the problem is. You just know that things arent getting any better. In this case, you
should feel free to ask for help beyond the classroom teacher. An experienced
administrator can often help bring about some sort of beneficial resolution.