Summary of Nonviolent Communication

December 1, 2012 by William Eden Leave a Comment

Nonviolent Communication is a communication and conflict-resolution process developed

by the psychologist Marshall Rosenberg. The book focuses on how to express ourselves in
a way that inspires empathy in others, and how to listen to them empathically in turn. This
system radically changed my understanding of human interactions, and using these
techniques with myself greatly reduced my own level of self-judgment. I highly recommend
this book.
Four Key Steps

Observation specific facts/data, no evaluation/judgment

Feeling state how we feel (many failure modes here)

Need the need underlying this feeling

Request must be specific action to address need

When ___, I feel ___, because I am needing ___. Therefore, I would now like ___.
Life-alienating forms of communication

Moralistic judgments

Comparisons

Making demands

Denying responsibility :

Vague, impersonal forces

Condition, diagnosis, psychological history

Actions of others

Dictates of authority

Group pressure

Policies, rules, regulations

Social roles: gender, age, etc.

Uncontrollable impulses

Observations
Specific observations what we are sensing: sight, sound, touch
Observation with evaluation is received as criticism

Evaluation words: Always, never, ever, whenever, frequently, seldom

Feelings
The actions of others may be a stimulus, but not a cause, of our feelings
Clear expression: I feel (emotion)
Feeling not expressed clearly when I feel followed by:

Like, that, as if

Pronouns

Other people

Description of what we think we are

How we think others perceive us

Ways to mask accountability

Starting sentence with it or that

Only mention actions of others

I feel (emotion) because (anyone other than I)

Substitute, I feel (emotion) because I

Needs
Basic human needs:

Autonomy: to choose ones goals, values, plans

Celebration: creation of life and goals fulfilled, celebrate loss through mourning

Integrity: authenticity, creativity, self-worth

Interdependence: acceptance, appreciation, community, enriching life, safety,

empathy, honesty, love, respect, support, trust, understanding

Play: fun, laughter
Spiritual Communion: peace, harmony, beauty

Physical Nurturance: food, exercise, rest, sex, shelter, touch, protection

Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs
Asking to have our needs met directly makes compassion easier for others: people hear
criticism and attempt defense/counterattack when indirect
Stages of Emotional Liberation:
1.

We believe we are responsible for the feelings of others (keep everyone happy)

2.

We no longer want to be responsible for the feelings of others (anger at our own
unmet needs)

3.

We take responsibility for our actions, respond to the needs of others out of

compassion
Assessing needs is especially important when addressing a group!

Much time is wasted when speakers arent clear what response they want back so

ask them!
Also unclear when needs are actually met, we can signal by saying things like got it

Requests
Request what we want, not what we dont want

Negative requests can cause confusion and resistance

Make requests for specific actions

Avoid vague, abstract, ambiguous phrasing

Vague language also results in internal confusion

More likely to get what we want

Ask the listener to reflect it back in their own words

Express appreciation, say Im grateful to you for telling me what you heard.

Dont chastise them for getting it wrong, say I didnt make myself as clear as I would

have liked, let me try again.

Empathize with the listener who doesnt want to reflect back

After weve expressed ourselves, we often want to know:

What the listener is feeling

What the listener is thinking, specify what thoughts we want them to share

Whether the listener is willing to take a particular action

Requests are not always implicitly understood from feelings/needs

Requests without feelings/needs can sound like demands

We may not even be conscious of what we are requesting

Requests are received as demands when they think they will be blamed/punished for
non-compliance

Two options with demands: submit or rebel

The more we did this in the past, the more our current actions are perceived as such

(poisoned relationships)
Figures of authority also face the same challenge
Do not interpret non-compliance as rejection

Empathizing with someones no protects us from taking it personally

Do not engage in persuasion until we have empathized with what prevented that

persons acceptance
Signs we will judge others for non-compliance: saying should, supposed to, justified,
have a right

Listening empathically
No matter what words people use, listen for the four steps.
Empathy is emptying the mind and listening with our entire self, which only occurs when we
have shed preconceived notions and judgments.
Reflect back to others what we heard

This reveals our understanding, while eliciting necessary corrections

Offers them some time to reflect on their own words

Dont ask for information without first sensing the speakers reality (e.g. Why are

you feeling that way?)

If we do that, at least first state our own feelings and needs behind the question

Hearing a paraphrase will be more reassuring than simply saying you understand

Reflection is most desired when their message is emotionally charged

Be very careful with tone of voice, people are sensitive to criticism/sarcasm, or a

declarative tone

If others are routinely skeptical of your motives, check your intentions

Allow others to fully express themselves before turning to requests or solutions

The initial feeling might be followed by related, unexpressed emotions

Persist in empathy until the speaker has exhausted all of their feelings, marked by a

release of tension in the body, or the speaker stops talking

Recognize the release of tension in their body by feeling a corresponding release in

our own
The best time to interrupt a conversation is when weve heard one more word than
we want to hear

Interrupt with empathy, they might be needing it without realizing

Openly express our desire to be more connected and request information

Lifeless conversations for the listener are equally so for the speaker

It is more considerate to interrupt than to pretend to listen

When we have trouble empathizing with others, it is a sign we require empathy
ourselves

Listen to what is going on in ourselves using the same empathy we give others

Scream nonviolently, by calling attention to our own desperate pain and need in the

moment, they may listen even through their own distress

Physically remove ourselves from the situation

Common behaviors we do instead of empathy

Advising

One-upping

Educating

Consoling

Story-telling

Shutting them down

Sympathizing

Interrogating

Explaining

Correcting
Intellectual understanding blocks empathy

We are not present when analyzing their words to see how they fit our model

Be with them and their experience entirely

We may sympathize by feeling their feelings, but this is not being present either
It may be difficult to empathize with those who are closest to us

Self-empathy
NVCs most important application!
We have all learned limiting beliefs

Transforming this destructive thinking requires a literacy of needs and selfawareness


NVC allows us to recognize this conditioning through the four main steps
Self-judgments, like judgments of others, are expressions of unmet needs

Critical self-concepts prevent us from seeing our beauty, only our shortcomings

When we are motivated by shame, we are allowing our learning to by guided by self-

hatred
When motivated by fear/guilt/shame/hatred, our actions do not feel playful/joyful

We should be stimulated by a clear desire to enrich life for ourselves and others

(positive motivation)
Negative motivations include:

Extrinsic reward: money, approval

Escape punishment

Avoid shame

Avoid guilt

Sense of duty
Steps to attain self-empathy

Recognize self-judgment and focus on the underlying needs

First ask what needs lie behind the judgment

Then ask what needs lie behind the judged action

By focusing on our needs, we will naturally begin to figure out ways to meet them
Translate I have to to I choose to because I want to gain awareness of our
actions

Expressing anger
Acknowledge that we are responsible for our own anger, others are stimulus not
cause

Confusing this boundary is used to motivate others by guilt

Anger is judgment generated by disconnection to our needs

We can also look at the other persons feelings and needs and empathize with them

to understand their behavior

Anger is valuable as a warning that we have unmet needs

Yet also makes it unlikely for our needs to be met

People are unable to hear our pain if they believe they are at fault

Directs energy towards punitive action

Steps to fully express anger:
1.

Stop and breathe

2.

Identify judgmental thoughts

3.

Connect with our needs

4.

(If necessary, empathize with the other person)

5.

Express our feelings and unmet needs

Expressing appreciation
Everyone yearns to be genuinely appreciated. Dont assume that other people know
the intensity of our appreciation.
Judgments, even positive ones, are still judgments: statements like you are a good person
reveal nothing of what is going on for the speaker.
Three components of appreciation:

The specific actions which contributed to our well-being

The needs of ours that have been fulfilled

The pleasurable feelings engendered by fulfillment of those needs

Receive appreciation with the same empathy we give other messages

We tend to search for improvements instead of celebrating how well things are going

We are often uncomfortable receiving praise, dont receive with superiority or false

humility
When we listen to the effect we have had on others, we can realize the joyous reality

that we can make each others lives better

Cultivate an awareness of what others are doing that enriches our lives, and tell
them!