How We Write About Love

FEB. 5, 2015

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CreditBrian Rea for The New York Times

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Modern Love
By DANIEL JONES
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A few months ago, I read several articles
touting the health benefits of writing in a
deeply personal way. Studies had shown
that writing introspectively on a regular
basis can lead to lowered blood pressure,
improved liver function and even the
accelerated healing of postoperative
wounds. The studys subjects had been told
to write for short periods each day about
turbulent emotional experiences.
I bet a lot of them wrote about love. As the
editor of this column, I have spent much of
the last decade reading stories of peoples
turbulent emotional experiences. They all
involved love in one way or another.
Which isnt so surprising. Who hasnt been
stirred up by love? But these writers had
spun their experiences into stories and sent
them here, where more than 99 percent
must be turned away.

Although the would-be contributors may be

happy to learn of the surprising health
benefits of their writing, I think they hoped
for a more glamorous reward than
improved liver function.
Lately I have been thinking about those tens
of thousands of passed-over stories and all
the questions and lessons about love they
represent. When taken together, what does
all this writing reveal about us, or about
love? Heres what I have found.
First, and most basic: How we write about
love depends on how old we are.
The young overwhelmingly write with a
mixture of anxiety and hope. Their stories
ask: What is it going to be for me?
Those in midlife are more often driven to
their keyboards by feelings of malaise and
disillusionment. Their stories ask: Is this
really what it is for me?
And older people almost always write from
a place of appreciation, regardless of how
difficult things may be. Their message: All
things considered, I feel pretty lucky.
In writing about love, the story of how we
met looms large because a lot of us believe,
validly or not, that a good meeting story
bodes well for the relationship.
What do we consider to be a good meeting
story? When it involves chance more than

effort. You get bonus points if the chance

encounter suggests compatibility, like
mistakenly wheeling off with each others
shopping carts at Whole Foods because
your items had so much overlap, you got the
carts mixed up.
I get those beets all the time! You like
Erewhon Supergrains, too?
Pretty soon its time to get a room.
Modern Love
A series of weekly reader-submitted essays that explore the joys and
tribulations of love.

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PleasureJAN 29

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It seems the harder we work at finding love,
the more prone we are to second-guessing
the results. High-volume online daters
worry about this, along with those who
routinely attend singles events.
Continue reading the main story
The fear is we may force things or
compromise after pushing so hard for so
long. We may admire hard work in most
endeavors, but we admire laziness when it
comes to finding love. (If you manage to
stay together over the long haul, however, it
will be because of effort, not chance.)
When some people write about love, they
cant find the right words to capture the
intensity of their feelings, so they rely on
stock terms that are best avoided. These
include (but are not limited to): amazing,
gorgeous, devastating, crushed, smitten,
soul mate and electrifying.
Popular phrases include: meet cute, heart
pounded, heart melted, Ill always
remember, Ill never forget and Reader,
I married him. Then there is everyones
favorite stock word regardless of subject:
literally. As in, our date was literally
electrifying.
Women and men may feel love similarly,
but they write about it differently.

A lot of mens stories seem tinged by regret

and nostalgia. They wish previous
relationships hadnt ended or romantic
opportunities hadnt slipped away. They
lament not having been more emotionally
open with lovers, wives, parents and
children.
Women are more inclined to write with
restlessness. They want to figure love out.
Many keep mental lists of their
expectations, detailing the characteristics of
their hoped-for partner with alarming
specificity and then evaluating how a new
romantic interest does or doesnt match that
type.
They write something like, I always
pictured myself with someone taller, a guy
with cropped brown hair and wire-rim
glasses who wears khakis or jeans, the kind
of person who would bring me tea in bed
and read the Sunday paper with me on the
couch.
Men almost never describe the
characteristics of their ideal partner in this
way. Even if they have a specific picture in
mind, few will put that vision to paper. I
wonder if theyre embarrassed to.
Another list women frequently pull together
is The List of Flawed Men, in which they
dismiss each man they have gone out with
over the last year with a single phrase.

There was the slob with the sideburns, the

med student who smoked too much pot, the
gentle Texan who made felt hats but
couldnt commit, and the physically
affectionate finance guy who always
dropped her hand when he saw his friends.
This series of bad encounters has left them
exasperated to the point of hopelessness, so
they try to see the humor in it.
Men rarely compose that kind of list, either.
In this case, I wonder if its because theyre
afraid to, not wanting to be seen as
belittling women. In general, men write
more cautiously about women than the
other way around.
Continue reading the main story
Continue reading the main story
Love stories are full of romantic delusion,
idealizing love to an unhealthy degree. But
in the accounts I see, men and women
delude themselves in opposite directions.
A woman is more likely to believe her
romantic ideal awaits somewhere in the
future, where her long-held fantasy
becomes a flesh-and-blood reality.
A mans romantic ideal typically exists
somewhere in the past in the form of an
actual person he loved but let go of, or who
got away. And he keeps going back to her in

his mind, and probably also on Facebook

and Instagram, thinking, What if?
I dont know if men are worse than women
when it comes to romantic rejection; they
are clearly worse when it comes to literary
rejection. Even though only 20 percent of
submissions come from men, they send
more than 90 percent of the angry emails I
receive in response to being turned down.
To these men, no does not mean no. No
means the start of an inquiry as to how this
possibly could have happened.
One man sneered at me: You didnt even
read it, dude.
To which I replied, sincerely: Dude, I
totally did.
Writing about love can be similar to falling
in love in that we must be as vulnerable on
the page as we are in person when revealing
ourselves to someone we hope will love us
back. That means exposing our flaws and
weaknesses and trusting we will be seen as
more appealing, not less, for having done
so.
Good writing about love features the same
virtues that define a good relationship:
honesty, generosity, open-mindedness,
curiosity, humor and self-deprecation. Bad
writing about love suffers from the same
flaws that define a bad relationship:

dishonesty, withholding, defensiveness,

blame, pettiness and egotism.
It has been remarkable to watch the
evolution in stories I have received from gay
and lesbian writers. A decade ago, their
stories focused on issues of marginalization,
identity, coming out, and of strains with
family members. Within a few years, their
focus had turned overtly political in the
fight for equality and marriage.
Today, gay writers have largely shed that
baggage. They write about looking for love,
marrying, starting a family, being a parent,
even getting divorced. Sexual orientation
that had once been central is now
incidental. Which seems like a nice change.
With Valentines Day near and the right
words about love always so hard to find, let
me close by simply wishing you an amazing
celebration of electrifying romance you
never forget and always remember.
Attention College Students

If you have a personal story that illustrates

the current state of love and relationships,
email it to us at essaycontest@nytimes.com.
The winning author will receive $1,000 and
the essay will be published in a special
Modern Love column in May.
Details appear
atnytimes.com/modernlovecontest. For

more information and commentary as the

contest progresses, follow Modern Love on
Facebook (facebook.com/modernlove) and
the Modern Love editor on
Twitter: @danjonesnyt.
Modern Love College Essay Contest
Were inviting college students nationwide to open their
hearts and laptops and write an essay that tells the truth
about what love is like for them today.

Daniel Jones is the author of Love Illuminated:

Exploring Lifes Most Mystifying Subject (With the Help
of 50,000 Strangers), just out in paperback.