20/7/2014

Home

Conflict Management & Resolution

Business

Online Store

Seminars

About Us

Free Articles

Achievement Club

Contact Us

The Magic of Conflict Resolution

article-conflict

The Magic of Conflict Resolution

Receive Email Tips

The Magic of Conflict Resolution

A Four-Step Process to Manage and Resolve Conflict
By Bill & Joann Truby
President and Executive VP; Truby Achievements, Inc.
CLICK HERE to download a FREE
copy of this article

A man at the airport was very emotional, actually, quite livid. He was shouting about missing
his plane because the monitors were wrong in giving the gate information. He was big, tall
and angry as he ran up to the counter. My wife and I were sitting by one of our clients at an
airport watching as he ran up to where two female agents stood behind the counter. He
slammed his books down on the counter top and began furiously ranting about missing his
flight. His voice loud, his body shaking, and his fists were clenched. The two women were
obviously frightened. We could see them physically shrink from this aggressive man. They
were in conflict.
I got up and began to walk the thirty feet into the scene. Within approximately thirty seconds
after engaging with this man, he was calmed into dealing with the situation more rationally.
Using the principles in this article a furious, ranting, rather childish man, in aggressive conflict
with two ticket agents, was changed back into a rational adult, able to come to resolution over
the conflict. Magic? Yes, by just following some natural principles and laws that promote
effective conflict resolution, if, indeed, it is conflict.
A surgery team in a Northern California hospital was in conflict with their supervisor and thus
with the hospital administrator. The conflict was over storage space for equipment that had to
be wheeled in and out of the operating rooms. There simply wasnt enough room to store the
equipment conveniently. Every time a piece of equipment was needed other items had to be
moved around, jockeying the unwanted pieces into and out of the hall, around each other, until
the wanted item was found. This was a constant source of conflict, or was it?
Unwanted Reality vs. True Conflict
Before we can effectively deal with conflict we need to determine if it is conflict or just, what we
call, unwanted reality. Weve seen so much energy wasted on unwanted reality. Unwanted
reality differs from conflict in that it is something that is unlikely to change. Or, if it does
change, it takes a lot of time and energy from an upper leadership or management level.
Building expansion for more storage space, regulatory issues, managed care limitations,
which floor a certain unit works on, hours that need to be covered on a certain shift, all can be
unwanted reality. Its possible to change them but change is unlikely in the near future. So it is
simply unwanted reality. And dealing with an unwanted reality is different than dealing with
conflict.
We make hierarchical decisions throughout our life. Each decision, at each level of hierarchy,
comes with parameters, limitations, and certain givens that are unwanted realities. If we
decide to live in America we pay taxes and drive on the right side of the road. Realities;
givens that could change but are unlikely to. At the next level of hierarchy, the decision to work
in health care for example, there are more parameters and limitations. The next level, to work
in a certain field of health care, provides us with more limitations. At each next level of
hierarchy, (to practice in a certain state, in a particular city, in a given hospital, within a specific
unit), there are more parameters and givens that may be unwanted realities.
In our seminars on conflict management we will ask people early on to estimate the type and
amount of conflict that exists within their hospital in any given week. The numbers are usually
quite high. After a definition and discussion about unwanted reality, the numbers representing
the amount of conflict present are much lower. The amount of true conflict that occurs from
these same peoples perspective is relatively small when we weed out their necessary, but
unwanted, reality.
So, how do you deal with unwanted reality? A part of conflict management is to differentiate
between true conflict and unwanted reality. Thats the first step of dealing with unwanted
reality. The second step is quite simple. So simple, in fact, that it is hard. (Simple is not
always equated with easy). When there is true unwanted reality you simply accept it. Unless

http://trubyachievements.com/article-conflict.html

1/6

20/7/2014

Conflict Management & Resolution

you are willing to take on the cause of changing corporate culture, you must accept the
unwanted reality and put your energy into things that you can influence or change. When weve
seen people do this there is an incredible freeing that occurs, an increase in energy, and
greater ability to engage in conflict resolution. The reason is twofold: 1) People arent
discouraged by repeatedly experiencing the lack of success when complaining about and
trying change what is seen as conflict, but is really unwanted reality; and 2) There can be more
focus on what can truly be changed or resolved, that which is true conflict.
What is Conflict?
What is conflict, then? There are a variety of definitions in print today. Our working definition is
this: A need for resolution between two people that needs to be resolved before you can move
forward, where there is threat, or perceived threat, about something that is happening or about
to happen that causes you fear or frustration.
We believe that at the core of all conflict is threat. When one is in conflict with another, the idea,
position, or perspective is being challenged. That challenge is a threat. And at the core of all
threat is fear, and this sets up the two types of responses we see in conflict; 1) Aggressively
try to resolve the conflict or 2) Withdraw from the conflict, hoping it will resolve itself or go away.
This is a natural outcome of our inner psychology.
The Threat at the Core of Conflict
When we perceive threat we naturally respond with the fight or flight syndrome. The intensity of
the response is in direct proportion to our perception of the threat. The fight response is to
aggressively attack any perceived threat or conflict and attempt to resolve it in any way we can.
The flight response is to run away from the conflict, to ignore it until it, hopefully, doesnt exist
anymore.
Weve asked people in our seminars which type of response they naturally use. Its interesting
to watch people raise their hands when asked if they fall into the fight type of response. Their
hands and arms shoot up, quickly and high. When we ask, Who of you find it more natural to
do the flight response? the hands go up more slowly and only make it to about the shoulder
height. The peoples body language speaks clearly of their particular style.
Conflict varies in intensity. A minor form of conflict is when two people, have two different
agendas, perspectives, ideas or desires. Two people in negotiation can fit into this category.
Each person, not necessarily wanting the other person to lose, but certainly wanting their
personal needs or desires met, will try to press for resolution in their favor. Even two good
ideas can be a conflict situation. These conflicting ideas have at their core threat. One idea, if
heeded, will threaten the existence of the other idea. At the other end of the spectrum in
conflict intensity is conflict that seeks the annihilation of the other sides perspective and
people. War is an illustration of the kind of conflict that is at this end of the spectrum. The story
of the man at the airport at the beginning of this article is another example of a conflict
situation that is closer toward this end of the spectrum.
Conflict isnt inherently bad, however. Conflict can bring about new ideas or awareness about
the issue at hand. It can present an unvoiced concern that needs to be addressed. Conflict
can actually unify people. Conflict isnt bad in and of itself. Its how we deal with conflict that
brings good or bad results. Thus how we perform conflict resolution has long lasting effects.
Weve worked with hospitals or other groups of people that are still living out the results of
poorly managed conflict resolution in the past. And many times, the experiences people are
remembering or reacting to are events that happened long ago. One hospital was caught up
in living out the dynamics and injustices, or perceived injustices, of conflict that happened
many years ago. It was where staff was in conflict with management. They were stuck in that
moment. They couldnt progress. They couldnt grow. They were still living out the results of
poorly managed conflict resolution, and thus carrying baggage.
Baggage Can Amplify Conflict
One of the magical components of conflict resolution is how its effects are so long lasting. A
person can do a thousand things right, a million things wonderfully well, but that one, poorly
managed conflict moment can have more effect than all the right things put together. When
conflict is managed well, the results are greater trust and a more solid foundation to be more
effective with conflict resolution the next time it occurs.
If there is a lot of this kind of baggage in your facility you may need to do some cleansing of the
wound before you can heal. Leading people through a process of burying the hatchet,
forgiving the people of the past, drawing a line in the sand and deciding to move forward
together, treating every new experience as just that, and not an extension of the old, may be
the powerful step necessary to begin doing present tense, effective conflict resolution.
Confronting conflict while carrying baggage is very difficult. Our hands are already full.
A System for Conflict Management
So, if weve differentiated between unwanted reality and true conflict, if we know what conflict
is, if we have buried our baggage, we can move on to conflict resolution; that is, with one more
foundational perspective. Conflict resolution is a small part of conflict management.
Understanding that bigger picture can bring about the real magic of conflict resolution. If you
patiently follow a basic, six-step system, and not try to get resolution prematurely, you can
magically reap win/win results.

http://trubyachievements.com/article-conflict.html

2/6

20/7/2014

Conflict Management & Resolution

Step one: Defuse emotion to prepare for the real issue.
Its inevitable, most of the time were going to have emotion in conflict situations. Our position
is not to eradicate emotion, but to control our emotions instead of our emotions being in
control of us. How do you control emotions? How do you keep emotions from being the
predominant force in a conflict episode?
Rarely does someone enter a conflict episode with you and express, Listen, Im in conflict
with you and Im the problem. Instead its, youre the problem, and they say it with a
generous portion of emotion stirred in. Rarely is there an issue-driven, solution-oriented
process when it comes to conflict resolution. Instead its a blame-driven, self-protective
process.
The major contributor to this mutual defensive posture is the emotion we, or the other person
feels. One of your greatest friends in conflict resolution is objectivity. Your greatest enemy is a
subjective defense of self. Emotion can reduce objectivity and increases defensiveness.
Emotion is the fuel that perpetuates ineffective conflict resolution.
How do you control emotion? To control emotion in another person, we must match their
intensity and deliver the message, I hear you. I understand you are saying X and Im willing
to work on it with you! These are the two concepts people want to hear when in conflict with
us, that we listen to them and are willing to do something about their issue. Our natural,
default mode, however, is to defend our self. This is natural because of the threat that is
perceived at the core of the conflict. Our natural defenses rise up. This self-preservation
response causes the other person to defend him or herself, perpetuating a conflict against
each other, instead of a conflict over a concept or issue. Controlling emotion is the first step
toward getting away from focusing on accusing each other, to determining what the real
conflict issue is.
Using meaningful phrases, spoken genuinely, that speak to understanding can control
emotion in the other person. I understand you feel this way, or I can see your point, or I can
imagine myself feeling that way to, are ways to genuinely portray understanding. This
understanding and acceptance tends to diminish the other persons emotion. If the other
person is too emotional to communicate, however, you will need to back away from the
moment and agree to talk later.
There are a variety of techniques we can use to control emotions in ourselves, all with the goal
of getting to the real issue, the concern behind the conflict. One way is to take a time out.
Distancing yourself from the issue with time and space can bring back objectivity and
decrease emotion. Consciously putting aside the desire to defend self and seriously look for
and focus on the core issue embedded in the frustrated communication coming from the
other person is another way.
The most effective way of controlling our emotions is to use a psychological technique of
changing our perspective. It is actually quite simple and may not seem to have the power to
control our emotions when you look at it initially. But we have had a multitude of reports of how
well this simple tool works.
When you are in the moment reacting to the other person and the situation from the
perspective of where you stand, your emotions will rise up because of inner conditioned
responses. When we can change that perspective, the same conditioned responses dont
occur. Here is what I mean specifically: Imagine yourself watching yourself talking to the
individual in conflict with you. In other words, move your perspective across the room to
imagine what it would look like to watch yourself in this interaction. That simple shift in
perspective will give you a more objective stance. You can try it right now as youre reading
this. Imagine yourself watching yourself reading these words. Notice how your perspective
changes. When youre emotional, your emotions will change too and you will become more
objective.
When I encountered the man at the airport, who was emotional, angry, and livid, I matched his
intensity and said, I would be furious to have missed my plane because the monitors were
wrong. If I were in your shoes Id be upset too! Youre angry, and I would be too if I missed my
plane because of that I kept saying phrases like that until he focused on me and saw that I
was empathetic with his situation and could be a potential ally. This only took a few seconds
then I added the phrase, but these two women dont run the monitors. Theyll probably be
the ones to help you if you let them.
Instantly, he calmed down. Though he was still shaking he said, I know they didnt change
the monitors but then he continued to talk about how he missed his flight and was mad
about that. He spoke, however, with a much calmer voice and began to focus on his real
concern. This is the essence of step one in our conflict management process. De-fuse the
emotion to prepare for the issue. The real issue is usually masked under the emotional
issues. To react to the emotion will sabotage our ability to get to the real issue. In fact, when
we react to an emotional individual with more of our own emotion we can actually fuel the
problem.
Step Two: Listen and accept the persons perceived issue.
Acceptance is not synonymous with agreement. We may not agree with the issue the person
is bringing up. If we dont accept it, however, the person feels obligated to keep speaking
about their issue until theyre convinced weve heard it, and accept it. Once the emotion has

http://trubyachievements.com/article-conflict.html

3/6

20/7/2014

Conflict Management & Resolution

been controlled then its important to keep asking clarifying questions, with the attitude of
genuine concern, to understand completely the core issue this person is speaking about. You
must completely understand before you can go to the next step or resolve the conflict. Stephen
Covey says, Seek to understand before trying to be understood. This is the second step in
our conflict management process.
There is a subtle but profound difference between the phrases, I agree on your concern of
and I agree with your concern of You can agree on the fact that this person has a concern
and you can agree on what their concern is, but you dont have to agree with the concern. To
do effective conflict management the person must understand that we accept and understand.
That is sufficient.
How do you do this? By doing step two fully before you go on to step three. Dont state
anything about your position or perspective until youve entered step three. Dont try to
rationalize, justify or defend self. Dont try explaining your perspective or understanding. Just
listen and clarify until youve heard all they have to say.
You do this by repeating the phrase, What Im hearing you say is X and your core concern is
Y, is that it? Do I understand your perspective and concern completely? until they say, yes.
Then, and only then, can you go on to step three. By now the person should be calm and
engaged, ready to hear what you have to say. And they are in that posture because you gave
them genuine concern to listen to them completely without emotional defensiveness. Here is
where the magic begins.
If you dont do steps one and two, you have usually perpetuated a fight, the dynamics of which
are determined by the intensity of the issue and the emotional ownership of the person in
conflict with you. When you do steps one and two fully, you have caused the other person to be
ready to listen to you. Once you have solicited agreement on the fact that you understand,
restate your acceptance of their perspective, thank them for their willingness to speak so
frankly to you, and restate your willingness to work with them toward resolution. This sets the
stage for step three.
Step three: Get permission, then speak whats on your mind.
Say something like this, Now that Ive heard and accepted your issues, concerns and
perspectives, may I tell you mine? I acknowledge, they are different from your perspectives
and Im not claiming mine to be right. But if were going to work together toward resolution, its
important to get my issues on the table too. Do you agree? If the person says yes, then you
are free to speak whats on your mind, complete with your perspectives, reasons, feelings and
understandings. If the person says no, then you need to revisit step two, or you are at an
impasse and need some facilitation, mediation or arbitration.
A basic rule of conflict management is this; dont go where the other person isnt. If their
emotion re-flares, go back to defusing emotion. If they still need to speak their mind, you must
go back to step two. You cant resolve conflict unless youre both on the same page. Its a rule
of conflict management. Its actually a rule of life.
When you are able to speak whats on your mind, do so in an objective, non-threatening, nonjudgmental way. Avoid trying to defend self. Stay on the issue. A tool that is helpful to maintain
both of your objectivity is to write down the other persons core issue and concern. You can
then write down yours too. That makes both of them have equal weight in the discussion. If the
person starts to argue with your words gently remind them that you heard them and youd
appreciate it if you could fully speak whats on your mind too. The following words can help,
Thanks for jumping in and being willing to solve this but I think it might be helpful for both of
us if we heard my issues and concerns too. Your issue was X and your concern was Y. Let
me tell you mine then Id like to hear what your response is. Step three is speaking whats on
your mind completely, which sets you up for step four.
Step Four: Solicit agreement on your issues and concerns.
Once youve spoken, solicit agreement on the fact that the other person has heard your
complete message. Say something like this, Now that Ive given you my perspectives on this,
do you accept that, though they differ from yours, these are my issues and concerns? If the
person does not, ask them what part dont they understand. Remind them you are not trying to
convince them of your perspectives, just to state them, with the goal of both of you
understanding all of the perspectives, issues and concerns. Usually, helping the other person
see they are not to do anything at this point but listen and agree that you have these issues
and concerns allows them to come to acceptance of your issues as your issues. And here is
where the magic really occurs.
We are trying to come to resolution. Weve said resolution is a part of conflict management
and doesnt effectively stand alone. If youve genuinely and completely done steps one
through four, step five almost happens spontaneously. In effect, step five is a natural outcome
of the previous steps. Sometimes you have to really work at doing steps one through four,
especially if the issue is a hot one and emotions are running high. Once youve done those
steps though, step five almost magically occurs. Weve seen it happen over and over.
Step Five: Work together toward resolution.
When both individuals in a conflict episode truly understand each others perspectives, issues
and concerns there is generally a willingness to work together toward a win/win solution. To
begin step five you review the issues and concerns of both parties to ensure clarity and

http://trubyachievements.com/article-conflict.html

4/6

20/7/2014

Conflict Management & Resolution

understanding. Then you ask the other person if they are willing to work with you to do some
possibility thinking so you can both get what you want. This puts your energy together in a
positive direction, working together on the same team.
Sometimes its helpful to take some time before completing step five. You may need to gather
more data. Or, if you are at an impasse, you may need to solicit help from more people, or
invite the participation of a facilitator, mediator or arbitrator. Sometimes just letting some time
go by before seeking solution can enable greater objectivity, less emotions, and more
creativity toward a win/win solution. In any case, stay in step five to work with whatever aid you
need, and continue to work together toward an agreed upon solution.
Step Six: Close and agree to let go.
People usually view conflict in episodic events when, in reality, most of the time, the conflict of
the moment is ridding on the dynamics of previous conflict episodes. How a previous conflict
resolution went usually determines the beginning of the dynamics for the next one. The
feelings and issues that come from previous incomplete or unfulfilled conflict resolution is
stored and unleashed on the next conflict episode. Its extremely important, therefore, that you
agree to have closure on the current conflict issue and agree to let it go as you move forward.
Sometimes this is easier said than done. If two parties can agree to have completion and
closure, however, it is easier to let go of the dynamics of this current episode and not let
baggage build. This kind of conflict resolution helps you to have better conflict management.
In fact, you can use the current episode as a learning moment. You can discuss the dynamics
of how it came to be in the first place and agree on ways to not let it happen again in the future.
This is a great component of conflict management. Prevention.
Conflict management is greater than conflict resolution. Conflict management is magical
because, at each step, there is agreement to move on to the next step, together. Other helpful
conflict management tools include:

Be proactive about it so as not to let rumors or false perceptions build.

Learn and practice good communication skills, especially clarity of
communication. Be sure to have clear accountability trails; i.e. have a What,
by whom, by when? set of expectations for everything. This prevents conflict
that comes from misunderstandings and unclear expectations.
Create a culture that doesnt allow third party communication or rumors.
Instead each person goes to the source to bring clarity and closure
immediately. When someone comes to you with rumors or gossip, politely
ask that individual to go to the person in question so as to solve the
problem.
Teach conflict skills and agree on a conflict resolution process before its
needed.
Create trained facilitators to help people or groups in conflict.
Encourage and promote issue-oriented discussions, not blame based
finger pointing.

Conflict is inevitable so lets capture the most important benefit of conflict, which, if understood
and practiced, helps you through each of the six steps in our conflict management process.
That is, at the core of every conflict is a legitimate concern. When a person has a concern, it
should be considered because it has at least a 50% chance of being a valid concern. There
are countless stories where the concern at the core of conflict was ignored causing great pain
and loss to the people involved. From the Challenger explosion to Mt. Everest expeditions,
sadly, there are too many stories where the concern was squelched because the conflict was
too uncomfortable. The result? Great loss.
Conflict is inevitable. But when you find the concern behind the conflict, the person in conflict
with you actually becomes an ally, a person working with you toward the greater good. So,
heres to youyou objective conflict resoluter with emotions in check, finding the core
concern behind the conflict, and enabling the conflict episode to be a learning moment where
both parties reach win/win solutions.

Executive Summary
Conflict resolution is a part of conflict management. Done well, conflict management can
cause conflict resolution to result almost magically.
Distinguishing between true conflict and unwanted reality is a helpful prerequisite to
managing conflict. Unwanted reality consists of things we are unlikely to change and,
therefore, need to be accepted if we choose to remain in that environment. True conflict is
where we experience threat or perceived threat surrounding an issue that needs to be
resolved.
There are six steps to effective conflict management:
1. De-fuse emotion to prepare for the real issue.
2. Listen and accept the persons perceived issue.
3. Get permission, then speak your mind.

http://trubyachievements.com/article-conflict.html

5/6

20/7/2014

Conflict Management & Resolution

4. Solicit agreement on your issues and concerns.
5. Work together toward resolution.
6. Close and agree to let go.
Depending on the need of a given person or organization, we will expand or contract these
steps for better implementation. If you want to remember our simplest version of a conflict
management system think of these four Cs:

Control emotion
Clarify concerns
Create alternatives
Choose and let go
Conflict is inevitable. The most beneficial aspect of conflict is the concern behind the conflict.
So be confident, caring and consistent in your identifying and addressing the concerns behind
the conflict. To ignore it may create great loss. To address it creates win/win.

About the authors: Bill Truby has a Masters Degree in Psychology, 30 years of experience in
business training & consulting, and has conducted an extensive amount of study in the
sciences (particularly physics with an emphasis in quantum physics). Joann Truby, a highly
successful leadership and management coach, has worked with Bill for over 12 years.
Together, they have published 3 books, professionally recorded over 20 hours of audio
training productions and produced multiple video training tools. Bill and Joann have written
this article from extensive real-world experience to help leaders and managers be more
effective in their roles.

| Home | Business | Online Store | Seminars | About Us | Free Articles | Achievement Club | Contact Us |
Truby Achievements, Inc
P.O. Box 1440 Mt. Shasta, California 96067
800-800-8910
Privacy Policy

http://trubyachievements.com/article-conflict.html

6/6