Crappiness

to Happiness: An exclusive
early book excerpt
Copyright 2014 by Therese Schwenkler of TheUnlost.com. All rights reserved.
Feelings. Ive spent most of my life running from them distracting myself with food
and mindless television, with guys and with shopping and with booze. Ive spent at
least 22 years of my life trying to get rid of them, escape them and outrun them before I
discovered the secret that turned everything Ive ever learned about dealing with
difficulty on its head and I mean everything.
What Ive learned over the past several years hasnt just given me a somewhat different
view about what to do when my life hits rock bottom or when I have the day from hell;
its led me to believe the exact opposite of what Ive believed my entire life. Its entirely
changed the way I deal with difficult feelings and circumstances.
And it all began in the most peculiar of places for learning a lesson thats actually
applicable to the real world: inside a college classroom.
...
Im going to start this class with an exercise, said Dr. Hoffman, handing each student
a 3x5 card.
I didnt know it yet, but this man this clinical psychologist with his white beard, kind
voice, and bright blue eyes would become one of my biggest influences and teachers
over the years to come.
What I was about to learn in this classroom would change the course of my life forever.
You dont have to participate if you dont want to, he said. You can simply write
pass on your card if you choose not to. Although your responses will be anonymous,
understand that I will be reading each response aloud to the class.
He looked around the classroom to make sure everyone understood before proceeding.
Heres what I want you to do. On this card I want you to write the voice in your head
that you consistently hear throughout the day an internal voice that perhaps youve
never shared with anyone else. What is it that youre hearing and thinking on a regular
basis, and what is this voice telling you about yourself or about the world?
I looked down toward my notecard and began to scrawl in big, thick letters:
No one can ever understand what its like to live with the pain of the autoimmune

disease I have to not be able to run or walk or even get out of bed on some days. I
am all alone in this pain.
I folded it up and set it in the basket of secrets at the front of the classroom.
When everyone had finished, Dr. Hoffman stood in front of the class and, one by one,
read each card aloud.
I feel as if no one could ever truly love me.
I cant do anything right. Nothing that I do is ever good enough.
I am a no-good, worthless joke of a human being.
I must keep smiling I must keep performing I must keep putting on a show for
the world. But the truth is, I feel dead inside.
My dad died last year. Sometimes I wonder if my parents ever really loved me. I wish
I could tell them that I love them.
I dont feel as if anyone can ever truly understand me.
I must find my way through life on my own. I am completely, utterly alone in this
world.
And on. And on. And on
On every single one of the cards were written silent stories of pain and heartache and
struggle stories that Id never once seen written across the faces of the bright,
smiling students surrounding me that Id been partying with for nearly four years.
I looked around the classroom in disbelief and was it sadness I was feeling?
A sense of shared struggle pervaded the room, hanging thick in the air like a cloud of
dense fog. We were all in this together, and yet somehow we all felt so alone.
How could this be?
And yet inside this small classroom on a crisp fall evening in 2006, each of us suddenly
felt a little less alone. The pain of our individual struggles had not gone away by any
means, and yet somehow the intensity of the pain had lessened in this place of shared
struggle and unspoken connection with one another. You have struggles? Me too,
seemed to be the unsaid consensus.
After a period of silence, Dr. Hoffman began to speak once again.
What is pain? he asked.

The reality is that pain by itself is just pain. In the grand scheme of things, its simply
an emotional energy that comes and goes and ebbs and flows, constantly changing in
intensity and form. Fear. Hurt. Anger. Sadness. Despair. Pain is pain is pain.
He paused once again.
When you dont feel all alone in your pain, pain is bearable. Not pleasant, perhaps,
but bearable.
But pain experienced all alone this is what becomes unbearable. Pain experienced
all alone becomes suffering. Because you see, it is not the pain itself thats necessarily
the problem, but rather the burden of holding this pain on our own this pain that is
too big for us and that is beyond our current capacity to make sense of and to bear.
He continued: When we are faced with something we cant change, regardless of our
vain attempts to make it different, and we do it all alone, then we hit a wall and
fall apart. The need for someone to be with us in our pain is more than just a nice to
have or an optional comfort. Researchers have determined that it is in fact a core
psychological, physiological need built into us from birth.
He pushed a button on the remote control in his hand. Watch closely, said Dr.
Hoffman.
A video of an infant and his mother began to play on the screen at the front of the
classroom.
The baby in the video begins to cry. The mother continues to smile. Aww, youre ok,
big boy, she coos. Her voice is bright and cheery. Shhhh, youre ok She grabs a
toy from the floor and waves it in front of the babys face anything to distract him
from the feeling at hand. She rattles the toy around and squeezes it to produce a loud
honking noise. Look at this! she exclaims, her eyes wide.
After awhile, the distraction seems to have worked the baby has stopped crying and
has now focused his gaze on the toy. Eventually he begins to crack a smile and lets out
an amused laugh.
Thats my boy! smiles the mother. All is well in the world again.
Dr. Hoffman stopped the video.
What just happened? he asked, looking around the classroom.
A student raised his hand and began to speak.
The mother wanted to calm the child down, so she did what she needed to do in order
to get him back to a neutral or positive feeling state. Seems like a pretty normal

reaction to me.
Feeling state: its one of those words you only use when youre a psychology major, I
thought to myself.
It is a fairly typical reaction, Dr. Hoffman said. But what well learn today is that
although its a typical and well-intentioned reaction, its not actually the ideal. See,
from the day we are born, many of us are talked out of our feelings by well-meaning
parents who only want to see us happy. We learn not to express (or sometimes even
feel) certain emotions that our caregivers are uncomfortable with or dont know how to
handle. Smile big! or Youre ok!, weve been told from the beginning.
Many people have been educated out of knowing what their feelings are. When
they hated, they were told it was only dislike. When they were afraid, they were
told there was nothing to be afraid of. When they felt pain, they were advised to
be brave and smile. Many of our popular songs tell us Pretend you are happy
when you are not.
- Haim Ginott
And a few things begin to happen as a result, continued Dr. Hoffman. First, we
never learn to directly experience those feelings that arise within us because were too
busy pushing them away and getting rid of them at all costs. We never fully develop
the capacity to identify, process and regulate our emotions. Some of us become numb
to our feelings, avoiding them at all costs. Others of us develop an opposing tendency
and become easily overwhelmed and swallowed up by emotion, which isnt entirely
healthy, either. Well talk more about these tendencies and their implications later in
class.
The second thing that happens is that we develop a sense that something must be wrong
with us that who we are, just as we are, just as were feeling, is not ok. In order to be
loved and in order to obtain or maintain the attention and affection of our caregivers,
we learn that we must not show certain feelings or emotions. We must put on certain
shows, smiling or performing when wed rather cry and remaining silent when wed
rather scream out in anger. And so its inevitable that we begin to internalize the
painful idea that who we are, just as we are, is not ok.
And third, we begin to develop a pervasive sense of loneliness that we often just cant
put our finger on. 'I am all alone in this feeling,' is the subconscious internalization that
weve experienced our entire lives, simply because no one has ever been able to go with
us and be with us into these difficult feelings. Instead, weve been coaxed away from
them at all costs. And so when painful feelings do arise, we inevitably feel alone in
them: No one wants to be with me here, is what our experience has taught us to
believe. This is perhaps the loneliest place of all: we might be surrounded by a roomful
of people and yet our pain remains unseen, unmet, and unknown. Regardless of the
physical presence of others, we still feel enveloped by a deep sense of loneliness and
despair.

Contrast this with the experience of a child whose painful feelings were seen, met and
known rather than pushed away and denied, said Dr. Hoffman. He pushed play
once again and a different mother and infant showed up on the screen.
Now lets take a look at the second video.
The baby smiles. The mother smiles back, mirroring his joy. The two of them laugh in
unison.
The baby yawns. Youre a tired boy, the mother says softly, the tone and pace of her
voice softening significantly from its earlier jubilance. His face wrinkles up as he
becomes more and more tired and begins to cry. This mothers reaction is noticeably
different than that of the mother in the first video: she doesnt try to pull him away
from his experience or push him in any particular direction at all. Instead, she is simply
with him, not only physically but emotionally as well.
Youre tired and cranky and sad, she says, rocking him and meeting him and his
emotions just where hes at and as they are. Whether the baby is joyful, tired, or sad,
its easy to see that the mothers feeling state is a constant mirror of his own.
This is what our systems are hardwired to receive, said Dr. Hoffman. A resonant
emotional response. Neuroscientists have found that in order for an infants brain to fully
develop the ability to process and regulate emotion, the infant literally needs his
caregiver to be with him not just physically but emotionally and to offer a sensitive,
resonant emotional response rather than immediately shooing emotion away. It is only
within this context of inter-relatedness does an infant begin to develop the ability to
organize, identify, experience and regulate the emotional state at hand, whether it be
joy or fear or anger.
As he grows up, this child will still experience pain and sadness we all do, of course.
Its a part of life.
And yet he will experience far less suffering than the child in the first video. (Remember,
suffering is the experience of feeling all alone in one's pain.) In times of difficulty, he
won't feel so lonely because his experience has taught him some essential, foundational
things: first, that his pain is known, held and met by another. He is not (and need not
be) all alone in his experience. He can trust that it is safe to reach out to others for the
support he requires and is confident that in expressing his feelings in times of need, his
difficult feelings will be met.
Second, hes learned that who he is, just as he is, exactly as hes feeling in this moment
is ok. His experience has taught him that he is loved and loveable just as he is.
And lastly, hes learned that it is safe to feel these difficult feelings and to stay here
with them until they pass.

Watching the second video immediately reminded me of a story from the book Raising
An Emotionally Intelligent Child by Dr. John Gottman, which Id read as a part of the
child psychology class Id taken the previous semester. Within the book, the author
relayed the story of the time he and his two year-old daughter were on a cross country
trip and he had absentmindedly packed her favorite stuffed animal, Zebra," into their
large suitcase that was now checked beneath the plane, out of reach for the entirety of
the flight.
As his daughter began to get more and more visibly upset about flying without Zebra,
Dr. Gottman wasnt quite sure how to handle her emotions that is, until he
experienced a sudden realization:
I want Zebra. I want him now! [cried Moriah.]
By now, I was getting do something looks from the passengers, from the
airline attendants, from my wife, seated across the aisle. I looked at Moriahs
face, red with anger, and imagined how frustrated she must feel. After all,
wasnt I the guy who could whip up a peanut butter sandwich on demand?
Make huge purple dinosaurs appear with the flip of a TV switch? Why was I
withholding her favourite toy from her? Didnt I understand how much she
wanted it?
I felt bad. Then it dawned on me: I couldnt get Zebra, but I could offer the
next best thing a fathers comfort.
You wish you had Zebra now, I said to her.
Yeah, she said sadly.
And youre angry because we cant get him for you.
Yeah.
You wish you had Zebra right now, I repeated, as she stared at me, looking
rather curious, almost surprised.
Yeah, she muttered. I want him now,
Youre tired now, and smelling Zebra and cuddling with him would feel real
good. I wish we had Zebra here so you could hold him. Even better, I wish we
could get out of these seats and find a big, soft bed full of all your animals and
pillows where we could just lie down.
Yeah, she agreed.
We cant get Zebra because hes in another part of the airplane, I said That
makes you feel frustrated.

Yeah, she said with a sigh.

Im sorry, I said, watching the tension leave from her face. She rested her
head against the back of her safety seat. She continued to complain softly a few
more times, but she was growing calmer. Within a few minutes, she was asleep.
Although Moriah was just two years old, she clearly knew what she wanted
her Zebra. Once she began to realize that getting it wasnt possible, she wasnt
interested in my excuses, arguments, or my diversions. My validation, however,
was another matter. Finding out that I understood how she felt seemed to make
her feel better.
Having someone with you in your experience who understands how you feel: yes, its
really that simple.
When someone can be with us in our pain and in our joy, my feelings and my
experience become our feelings and our experience, and as a result we dont feel so
alone in our experience.
The ideal caregiver acts something like a tuning fork for an infant, explained Dr.
Hoffman: as a baby emits a certain emotional pitch, the ideal caregiver will reflect a
resonant emotional pitch back to him or her. This experience of being experienced is
not only soothing, but its also essential in helping an infant develop the ability to
process and regulate emotion. If an infant could talk, he or she would say something
like this:
You get what Im feeling and I know it.
Having someone here with me in this bad feeling allows me a way out of feeling bad.
Please let me know you get what Im feeling and that you will wait here with me until
things change.
I am not alone in this feeling after all. There is someone here with me someone
bigger, stronger, wiser and kind, to help me make sense of this feeling and to stay here
with me until the feeling resides.
Not if it resides, but when.
Not Youre ok; smile big, but Its ok, little one, I am here with you.
The difference between these two statements hit me across the forehead like a ton of
bricks.
Holy. Hell.

Suddenly it all began to make sense: the unexplainable longing Id had my entire life
for for something, but for what? The underlying sense of loneliness and sadness that
I just couldnt put my finger on. The way I automatically, unconsciously worked to
keep myself away from my feelings and on the surface of life so that Id never have to
dip into that unbearable hole of pain-and-suffering-all-alone in a place where Id never
been met. This is what Id been missing all along, I realized: resonance. The experience
of being experienced. The feeling of being known by another.
This is what most of us have been missing all along, even if we havent quite known it.
Its not that our parents haven't loved us or done their best of course they have.
Its just that they havent been able to fully offer the resonance we deeply crave, in
large part because theyve never received it themselves.
And so they did the best they could to keep us happy in the best way they knew how:
they kept us away from these painful feelings in any way possible. When we were sad,
they told us to cheer up and smile big! Our repeated cues or cries for closeness,
safety, or resonance were consistently dismissed rather than congruently met. When
our Zebra stuffed animal got checked with the luggage, we were told that Its just a
stuffed animal or Youll get him back after the plane ride or even Stop being such a
crybaby!
My feelings arent valid and they dont belong, we quickly came to learn, resulting in
the painful nagging sense that something must be wrong with me because no one
wants to be with me here.
Why have I never heard this stuff before? I thought to myself over and over again as I sat in
the back of the classroom that night. It was as if all the missing pieces in my worldview
were suddenly being filled in. Id finally found that thing Id always been looking for
that Id never really known I was looking for and my life would never again be the
same.
This model offered a radically different construct from the one Id always assumed to
be true: what we really long for and what we truly need is not to simply escape
or to get rid of our feelings as Id always imagined to be true. What we truly seek is
not even to necessarily resolve the external circumstances of our lives. We dont need
Zebra. We dont need an immediate solution (and sometimes ones not available,
anyway).
Rather, our deepest longing as humans is for someone who can sit with us and hold
space for whatever arises, whether it be happiness, sadness, anger or fear. We need
someone to help us organize and identify, process and fully experience these feelings
that are literally too big for our infant neural pathways to handle. And this isnt just a
nice sentiment; its a scientific fact. What we need from the moment we are born, what
we are hardwired to receive, is resonance.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
- Oriah Mountain Dreamer
But lest you get the wrong idea, this isnt just a book about mothers and infants and
about finding someone to be with you in your pain oh no, thats only one
foundational piece in the totality of the puzzle.
And so the question becomes, of course, how do we find that sense of resonance and
holding if its something weve never fully experienced? How can this newfound
knowledge about what we most deeply crave and require be translated into a workable
model that each of us can use to effectively deal with difficulty and hardship,
ultimately transforming the source of our crappiness into a vehicle for experiencing
deep and lasting happiness?
Thats what Im here to teach you a new model for transformation that youve never
seen or heard about before in any book, magazine, or tv show. Weve got money
channels, food channels, sports channels all over TV. We dont have any 'What do I do
when the shit hits the fan' channels, Dr. Hoffman once said in an interview with The
Spokesman Review newspaper.
True that.
This world, this population, this generation, is in desperate need of guidance, of
something to help us make sense of the world and find our way when we feel like were
drifting at sea and lost without an anchor. My goal, of course, is to help provide that
for you.
So lets get started, shall we?
...