B

MONDAY, APRIL 2, 2012

GIRLS!
GIRLS!
GIRLS!

THE
THE
THE
THE

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FOOTBALL

ANIMAL

SEX ROMP
ON BOOZE
CRUISE TURNS

NASTY

UBYSSEY BEER-STANDARD, Monday, April 2, 2012

QUOTE OF Corrections
THE DAY.. We are sorry.

HAPPY
BIRTHDAY

I wish Hungry
Hungry Hippos
had giraffes
instead. Theyre
magical.

Aye aye, lads

leading S&M
enthusiast and
dungeon master
Brian turns 35.

S. Troope

INSIDE TODAY

NEWS
3AM
LIFESTYLES
SPORT

This hacking was done by drinking with executives, accidentally pouring beer on their phones, and offering to fix them
free of charge.

We are deeply sorry for the hurt suffered by the individuals

affected.

We regret not acting faster to sort things out.

We will not fire senior managers who actually knew of

wrongdoing. Instead, we will protect those who ordered these
things to happen, and fire those who carried out orders.

11

IF YOU are having

difficulty getting
hold of a copy
of your Beer
Standard, then we
want to know. You
should, like tweet
us, or something
and we can tell
you where to find
one?

This newspaper does not adhere to the ethical and professional standards of the publishing
industry as set out in the ethical guidelines that nobody else in our industry adheres to either.

GET CASH FOR YOUR STORIES

Phone the Ubyssey Beer-Standard news desk. We pay obscene amounts for good info and
semi-credible tips.

0900 330 0303

In the last few weeks, you heard that the reason we generated
so many lurid front-page stories about AMS Executives is by
illegally hacking their phones.

We are sorry for the serious wrongdoing that occurred.

CHECK OUT www.ubybeer.co.uk 7 DAYS A WEEK

DONT MISS
OUT ON THE

The Ubyssey Beer-Standard is in the business of holding others

to account. We failed when it came to ourselves.

The problems have since been rectified.

My personal relationship with the former AMS President is of
absolutely no concern in this.
In addition, no people on The Ubyssey editorial board have ever
had improper relations with AMS Executives. We promise.
Sincerely,
Justine McMurdoch
Publisher
The Ubyssey Beer-Standard

B
PUBLISHER.................................Justine McMurdoch
PRINTMAN...................................Jonavan Smartfield
WEBMAN.....................................Archy Womann
N.E.W.S........................................Cal Makoron + Minnie Moo
ARTISTRY....................................Geofffffffff Fisterrrrrr
GOSSIP COORDINATOR..........Genevieve Madagascar
ACTIVITIES DIRECTOR............Malfoy Georgia
WORDS GUY..............................Benjamin Platonic
LIBEL MANAGER......................Kara Palmtree
MOVING PICTURES..................Davie Want That Mario
STUFF WRITER.........................Batesey
CREATIVE GIRL........................Baboo Jones
24-6138 SUB VANCOUVER, BC 604.822.2301

MON

TODAY: Going to be a very rainy, dull day today. Youll need to wear the whole outfit, with
Wellies, mac and a brolly. Wrap all bags you
plan to carry in plastic, put your cellphone in
a condom to prevent water damage.
TUE

WED

TUESDAY: The condom had a hole in it and

your cellphone is now water-damaged. This
isnt the first time youve broken a condom
and had to deal with the repercussions. At
least this time you didnt get anyone pregnant. Just bring a brolly.
WEDNESDAY: You might as well end things
here. You havent seen sunshine in two weeks
and it aint coming out today. If you decide to
keep going, there are a variety of indoor activities you can do, such as drying out your socks.

THE UNHEALTHY LOTTERY

12 14 38 91 80
TODAYS JACKPOT IS 3,141,592,653! Degenerate gamblers, your time is now! BUY BUY BUY!!!

WHILE THE BEER-STANDARD DOES NOT DIRECTLY SUPPORT DEGENERATE GAMBLING,

IF YOU WITNESS OTHERS DOING SO, PLEASE TELL US. WE LOVE TO PUBLISH SHIT ABOUT
DEGENERATE GAMBLERS.

UBYSSEY BEER-STANDARD, Monday, April 2, 2012

DASHING DRACO
FENTRON KNOWS HOW
TO LET IT ALL HANG
.
This furry sex kitten is always on the prowlfor love.

Im always up for a good rodgering, says the randy rumper, but I look for
the deeper connections. His friends know him as a lovable softie who only
occasionally lashes out violently when on the piss. He rides his bike in the
nude and owns a 16-foot python that he feeds gerbils and mice.
This lascivious Lothario describes himself as a brilliant intellectual who likes
to dress provocatively. The sensuous 23-year-old loves sunbathing, playing
harmonica and imitating Baltimore drug dealers. My friends call me Big B with
the CP, he says with a wink, refusing to elaborate.
The foxy Fentron loves to flaunt his irresistible chest hair, citing his life philosophy of open shirts and open minds. But dont take too many liberties with
this libertine; more than one lover has received an eyeful of spit for interrupting
his tobacco-chewing meditation sessions.
Fentrons passion for storytelling led to a brief acting career in America,
consisting of a series of softcore late-night Cinemax flicks. But the gorgeous
lady-killer soon became disillusioned with Hollywoods superficiality, and he
works today as an independent retailer of secondhand sets of Encyclopaedia
Britannica. At night, he likes to troll for totties in public parks.
Just do what you love, Fentron urges seductively. Be careful what you wish
for, Draco.

P3 BABES TO YOUR MOBILE

DO YOU fancy having a Page 3 gentleman on your mobile device at 7am? Text
NAUGHTYBOYZ to 33333. Texts cost 10 plus your already overpriced network changes.
THINK YOU have the nads to be our next Page 3 fox? Make sure to stop by our offices at
Student Union Building 24 with your portfolio. Who knowsyou could be the new Draco!

NEWS

UBYSSEY BEER-STANDARD, Monday, April 2, 2012

EDITOR: John Tyler

UBC
researchers
work to find
worlds cutest
animal
UBC researchers are hard
at work discovering which
animal really is the cutest.
The experiments, led
by zoology professor Spot
Dickspottler, mostly involved
twelve-year-old girls and
overly-caffeinated students
on all night study sessions
in IKB. Dickspottler and his
team showed both groups
a series of YouTube videos
and measured their squee
responses. Contorted facial
expressions and highpitched sounds were also
recorded and noted.
The results were surprising, said Dickspottler. The
more videos the students
watched, by the second and
third hour of studying, we
found their responses more
closely resembled the prepubescent girls.
Researchers were able to
identify trends in cuteness,
such as leg stubbiness,
disproportionate ear-to-face
ratio and roundness of eyes.
Dickspottler compiled a
tentative list of the top 10
cutest animals which included kittens under three
weeks old, baby sloths
and corgi puppies stuck in
small baskets. There were
separate categories for
baby monkeys and baby
monkeys in costumes.
The research will have
practical application for
advertisers. For years,
weve seen golden retriever
puppies and cartoon bears
dominate the advertising
market, said Dickspottler. But this research is
showing that these animals,
compared to baby sloths
and week-old kittens, are
piles of dog shit rolled in
peanuts.

CROWNS RIOT REVERSAL

AG: While weinitiallyblamed Surrey for the violence, it

is now clear that it was the work of chavs.

ith the first anniversary of the

Stanley Cup Riots
approaching and
fewer than a
dozen convicted in connection
with the violence, BCs Crown
Counsel is seeking to lay blame
on a new group of scapegoats.
Our initial attempt to blame
the riots on Surrey seem to have
been in error, said BC Attorney General Curly Wand in a
statement to the press today. It
seems to have been the work of
foreign radicals.
Specifically, chavs.
Wand said analysis of footage
from the June 16 riots revealed
an inordinate number of rioters
dressed in Burberry tracksuitsa
classic sign that the young ruffians
of the English underclass are present.
The complete lack of fashion
sense should have tipped us off
right away, said Wand.
But there were always signs.
Wand mentioned the belligerent
chanting from rioters, which was
investigated using sophisticated
audio spectrum analyzers, as evi-

dence of their malice which turned

out to be in error.
Originally, we thought they
were chanting Fuck the Bruins.
But it turns out, they were saying
Were tired of immigration and

this means Im in the clear, right?

Please? The Provincial Newspaper ran a front-page headline
saying BRITS GO HOME.
How we missed this before is
beyond me, said Wand. Police

We thought they were chanting

Fuck the Bruins. But it turns out,
they were saying Were tired of
immigration and globalization
consigning us to a lifetime of
lower middle-class drudgery.
Curly Wand
BC Attorney General
globalization consigning us to a
lifetime of middle-class drudgery.
Something got lost in translation, said Wand.
Reaction was swift, as BC Premier Christmas Clarky said, So

officers on the scene described

being insulted in cockney rhyming slang. We just didnt put the
pieces together until now.
Local chavs are up in arms
over the accusation, arguing that
Wands remarks perpetuate a vi-

cious stereotype.
Oi innit bruvv! said Alec Wilkinson, a third-year chav studying
political science at UBC. I donno
why he finna tink dat.
Many of Wilkinsons friends, who
were standing around on the street
corner, smoking and discussing
various plans for petty thievery,
agreed with his sentiments. Warru
on about, Wand? asked one of the
chavs to nobody in particular.
Meanwhile, Prime Minister
Stephan Harpoon supported the
attorney general.
This is another reason why
we need to clamp down on immigration and drive up minimum
sentencing for all crimes in our
new massive prisons, Harpoon
said, before distracting the assembled media corps by adding
Look over there! A shiny penny!
The Vancouver Police Department said theyll likely be taking
action against the chavs in the next
few months. They are currently
working on a poster that identifies
known chavs and offers tips on
how to identify them on the street.
If you see a chav, report it, the
poster says.

UBYSSEY BEER-STANDARD, Monday, April 2, 2012

Those little cars are killing us all, say auto industry insider

ZERO EMISSION DEATH CANCER SHOCK!

Death rates among smart car owners are way up, and auto industry
experts say its in part due to the
drivers debilitating shame.
More and more lorries are
crushing smart cars from behind
because theyre too smalland
owners who understand their fate
are more than willing to comply
with their impending deaths.
However, the smart car industry
is attempting an all-out public
relations campaign to cover up the
horrifying toll their products take
on mental health.
Also, cancer.
One owner recently died after
he drove the smart car into a concrete barrier at full speed, but the

Low Speed Collision Investigation

Unit allegedly covered up the true
cause of the accident.
According to the coroners
report, the 64-year-old man died
when he lost control of his smart
car driving at full speed on the
M25, and swerved into oncoming
traffic to avoid a hedgehog.
But a prominent car expert says
this simply cant be true.
Full speed on the M25? No way
he died from crashing at 35 mph.
What utter bollocks, but its all you
expect from these government
twats, said Jeremy Clarkson,
host of the BBCs Top Gear, while
gently foaming at the mouth.
I can see it all being fabricated

by a bunch of Welsh sheep shaggers, bloody immigrants. Eco-nazi

conspiracy. Arabs. Speed cameras. Wankers! BBBLLRRRGGH.
Beer-Standard intern Kieran
Norton, who got an A2 in GCSE
biology, believes the report also
leaves unanswered questions.
Hes obviously a tosspot, how
do we know he didnt get cancer
from the dioxins in the steering
wheel? We shouldnt rule out
anything.
A smart car may also be
responsible for a murderous rampage in which a man attempted to
kill his entire family after taking a
smart car for a test-drive.
He was later hospitalized for

suit and a helmet with full-face

mask, much unlike the equipment used by other competitors.
UBC all-star motorbike
racer, Ellen Tayyern, said that
he wears the same suit when
racing.
Leather isnt really an odd
choice for a cyclist. Wait, was it
spandex leather?
Further suspicions were
raised by the cans of petrol carried by his team.
A pundit with Italian television
said the controversy is the result
of hysteria and jealousy.
If someone wins the Tour
de France theres always these
accusations now. I think Rossis
proven himself as a champion

Corrections

We are sorry.

Earlier in this issue, we unequivocally stated that we

had disclosed all relationships between Ubyssey
editors and AMS Executives.
We forgot to mention that
TayTay Lorena also worked
for The Ubyssey Beer Standard for three months. We
profusely apologize.
- Justine McMurdoch,
Beer-Standard Publisher

JK Rowling is a munter

Cycling world
spinning
over scandal!

The cycling world once more

is in crisis after allegations that
Valentino Rossi cheated to win
last years Tour de France using
performance enhancers.
Rossi made his cycling debut
last year and stunned the world
by winning every single stage
of the Tour in unprecedented
fashion, hours ahead of the
next-fastest rider.
However tongues are wagging that he has been using
illegal performance enhancers, like an internal combustion
engine. His choice of equipment
provoked a stir when he first
entered the competition.
For example, Rossi opted to
wear a heavy full-body leather

brain cancer and died a slow and

terrible death, plagued by guilt of
his crimes and the shame of being
seen in such a disgusting vehicle.
Yet the industry has refused to
speak about this matter. In fact,
when contacted they were dismissive of the growing concerns by
consumers, accusing the BeerStandard of having a laugh.
Youre not serious. Thats
the stupidest thing Ive heard all
week, said a representative of the
smart car company.
However, she could not provide
any evidence that smart cars have
never caused suicides or cancer.
The truth continues to be
buried.

New series by acclaimed author will push

the boundaries of science and sex appeal

before and hell get over these

baseless allegations.
People have assumed that
just because his bike is a lot
heavier and bigger than the
other ones, hes hiding some
kind of twin cylinder, 8-valve
Desmodromic, liquid cooled
850cc engine capable of 140hp
at 10,500 rpm under there. That
just isnt true.
If anything the fact that his
bike weighs about 180kg, compared to his competitors who
can simply pick up their bikes
with one hand, it is a disadvantage for him if anything.
Rossis racing team Ducati
would not comment on the
controversy.

Sources close to noted multitrillionaire JK Rowling have

confirmed that she intends to pen
a new series of novels following
the success of Harry Potter.
The books will feature a plucky
trio of school chums who must
save Britain from the clutches of a
raspy-voiced, hairless villain.
The central protagonist, distinguishable by a comet-shaped
port wine birthmark on his face,
struggles with his dark past
throughout the series. But the
three friends still manage to get
up to mischief and jolly times at
their boarding school in the idyllic
English countryside.
Rowling, who reportedly owns
a solid diamond bidet, was heard
to say that the new novel would
be a dramatic step outside of her
comfort zone as a writer.
Sources living near Rowlings
estate in Aberfeldy, Scotland
have heard her yelling obscenities late into the night, punctuated
by faux-Latin phrases such as
WRITO GOODUS! and FINITO
WRITERS BLOCKUS!
Rowling was also heard repeatedly shouting, IM RICHER
THAN THE QUEEN!
The Ubyssey Beer-Standards
photographer has captured exclu-

sive images of the author feverishly cutting passages out of The

Prisoner of Azkaban, crossing out
character names and gluing the
pieces onto construction paper.
The first instalment in Rowlings new series will be published
within the year, coinciding with a
video game, theme park, line of
action figures, childrens breakfast cereal and major motion
picture. A Britain-wide casting call
has already begun its search for
three new child stars.
Were mainly searching for
three children with different hair
colours, for diversity, the casting
director probably said.
Although Warner Bros. declined to comment on this top-secret film, memos obtained by The
Ubyssey Beer-Standard reveal
that approximately two-thirds of
the ninety-minute run time will be
made up of cameos. Forty British
actors and actresses, all of whom
have been knighted, are already
slated to appear in the film.
Quite right, Dame Maggie
Smith was heard to say, adding,
Pip pip.
The Ubyssey Beer-Standard
was unable to reach Rowlings
literary agent for comment on the
upcoming series.

B 3AM
UBYSSEY BEER-STANDARD, Monday, April 2, 2012

EDITOR

INTERVIEWER
APPEARS IN
SEX TAPE

Canadian media icon Nardwear

has had a sex tape leaked, which
commentators have called bizarre, obscene and a thoroughly well-researched encounter.
The tape shows the famous interviewer performing a multitude of
sex acts on, with and around two
women who appear to be in their
early-to-mid-twenties: the oft-rumoured but never-seen Nardwear
Groupies.
Nardwear has denied that the
tape was a publicity stunt attempting to get him an appearance on
the David Letterman Show.
Nope, he told the Ubyssey
Beer-Standard, before sprinting
away, cackling wildly to himself.
Within the video, Nardwear and
the women move in various locations throughout UBCs Student
Union Building.
He begins the video almost
totally nude, but keeping on his
trademark plaid tam and a pair of
knee-high knit socks patterned
with bright pink fleur-de-lis.
At various points, he stops the
action to ask the two women to
engage in the hip-flip with him,
a sexual position involving a 1968
Hasbro toy fitted with a 12-inch
projectile.
The women perform various
perverse actions on Nardwear;
shaving his chest mid-coitus,
pouring a can of creamed corn
down his neck and pepperspraying him a number of times in
erotic APEC reenactments.
Sonic Youth frontman Thurston Moore also makes a brief
appearance in the video.
Throughout the video, Nardwear
demonstrates the intense research
skills he is known for. Half-way
through, he informs one of the
women that he has a gift for her.
He proceeds to pulls out a pair of
red, lace womens underwear and
asks Do you know what this is?!
The woman, who appeared confused, said that she had no idea.
This is the underwear you were
wearing the night you lost youre
virginity, he yelled out before barking like a dog.
He also starting singing Forever
Young which he claimed was the
first track on a mix-tape given to
one of the women by her second
serious boyfriend, Chris.
Since its release a week ago,
the video has gone viral online,
with a censored YouTube version
recieveing over ten million hits.
The video ends with all three
participants lying on the floor,
covered in poutine, with Nardwuar
repeating his catchphrase Doot
Doola Doot doo again and again.
Doot doot, Nardwear. Doot doot.

Nigel Hornberry

Sex with athletes

MY NIGHT
WITH A
CANADIAN
FOOTBALLER

EXCLUSIVE

e keeps one hand on

my back and uses
the other to open the
door to a restaurant I
could never afford. But tonight
it doesnt matter. Tonight I am
out with Thunderbirds quarterback William Redd.
When we are shown to
our table, he pulls out my
chair. I compliment him on his
gentlemanlyness. He throws
his head back and chuckles.
Its funny because thats
not a real word, he says between huge, gulping laughs.
Its loud and its attracting
attention from other patrons,
but its also William Redd, so I
try to laugh like he does-like a
frog swallowing marbles.
William Redd doesnt
look at the menu. When the
waiter arrives, he orders two
surf and turf specials. Im
a vegan, I say and William
Redd laughs again. His mouth
is open wide and I can see
down the back of his throat.
He looks at the waiter. Women. Am I right? Just make
hers well done. And give us
a bottle of your house red. I
begin to protest but William
Redd covers my hand with his
and the waiter is gone.
I set my tape recorder discretely on the end of the table.
Is that really necessary?
William Redd asks. Lets just
keep tonight between us.
I explain to him that tonight
is about the article Im writing.

Despite his dark suit and the

wine, its not a date.
He winks. You say that
now.

William Redd takes a bite of

his lobster, a bite of his steak
and chews them together.
When hes done, he looks at
my uneaten food and asks,
Are you going to finish that?
Meat juice dribbles down his
chin. He wipes his mouth with
the back of his hand.
I miss going out, he says.
His voice cracks. Coach
works us so hard.
His eyes begin to well up
and he covers his face with
his hands.
His fingers are shiny with
meat grease. His shoulders
shake as he cries. I reach
over and pat his arm.
There, there, William
Redd. You train pretty hard,
dont you?
William Redd nods then
blows his nose into his napkin.
When hes composed himself,
he smiles wolfishly.
Do you wanna see my Hec
Crighton?
I agree and William Redd
stands up. He pulls a hundred dollar bill from his wallet
and tosses it on the table. As
were sitting in his car, waiting
for the light to turn green, he
leans over and whispers.
Youre my little pigskin.

I PAID FOR MY OWN DRINK

ONE WOMANS HORROR STORY

Im a normal, beautiful woman
looking for love in the city. But last
night I learned the hard way how
quickly things can get downright
dark for us single gals.
It all started when I, bright-eyed
and eager, convinced some of my
girlfriends to accompany me to
the Pit. We were only looking
for a drink and a chance to
socialize, and maybe find
our lifelong soul mates. My
mother taught me that when a
handsome man looks my way
I should bat my eyelashes and
hike up my skirt. So when a wellshaped bloke Id been eyeing at
the bar waved me over, I didnt
miss a beat.
If only I knew what I was
in for.

At first, Joe seemed promising. He complimented my dress

and even asked my name. I was
already picturing in my head how
we would look together in my
profile picture.
I loooooove Sex on the Beach,
I giggled, giving him the perfect
opportunity to make a dirty comment. He repeated my order to
the bartender, and shortly the
drink was set between us. It stood
there for a few moments before
I, being the lady that I am, acted
as though I were reaching to my
purse for money.
Much to my despair, my hands
were not immediately swatted
away by an Amex Gold card.
I paid for that drink with my
own money. And after I did, Joe

continued making small talk, as

though his behaviour was not a
direct affront to God and man. He
asked me what classes I was taking, and how I liked UBC, but all I
could do was nod while I choked
back tears.
Reality hit me hard that night. I
realized I was a hideous monster
destined to a life without companionship, doomed to a solitary
existence by the callousness of
the male sex.
This is a word of warning,
ladies! Before you go striking up
a conversation with your future
husband, make sure hes the type
of man who knows how to treat a
woman right.
For my part, Ive lost all hope of
every finding Mr Right.
I learned my lesson so you
dont have to!

UBYSSEY BEER-STANDARD, Monday, April 2, 2012

1. #Troopenaked #misunderstandings

UBC President S. Troope decides that if theres a list of 93 things to do before you
graduate, theres no reason why he shouldnt do it too. Someone might want to mention to him that he doesnt have to do this in his birthday suit.

2. #whitegirlwasted

Shes falling over, crying, trying to sing a sad song and texting a landline while gearing
up to throw up on her high heelsall at once.

3. #omgthatsmysong

Girls that shriek with ecstatic delight because the DJ shares a telepathic connection,
and hes playing their songevery single track.

4. #freshmanmistake

Hooking up with someone on the same floor (or even in the same house) in rez is
NOT a good idea. At any point in time. Unless its move-out day tomorrow.

5. #drunktexting

The guy who just broke up with his girlfriend and its his first single night out. That girl
who has a guy best friend that she has secretly fancied since she met him. Or youre
just depressed and you often use alcohol to mask it.

7. #fucktheseheels #pleasedontfall

Despite your pre-clubbing promise to endure all the pain they cause, you always end
up yelling at your heels by the end of the night.

8. #regretinthemorning #sorrynotsorry

You know you are settling for less by going home with the guy/girl who only got hotter
with more shots.

9. #mightstillhappen

You make the clever decision to go to Pit Night when you are fully aware that you have
a midterm/paper due the next day, for which you have not even begun to prepare.
However, due to your ability to (occassionally) accomplish tasks when intoxicated,
there is hope yet.

10. #crackheadsatmcdonalds

Just let me enjoy my damn fish and chips. No, I do not want your pipe and no, I dont
have change because all the other homeless people on Granville always eat up my
quarters.

11. #fightsongranville

Granville Street is fun during the weekendsuntil 3am. Then the wannabe guidos
come out of the clubs and all hell breaks loose.

12. #shestooyoungforyoubro

The leering man is a creeper; the high school girl with fake ID is too drunk because
its her first time clubbing...oh dear.

13. #predranktoomuch #neverdrinkingagain

The dawning realization that you paid to get into the club so you could spend your
time violently throwing up in the bathroom and not to enjoy yourself on the dance floor.

PROF WATCH!

Professor Rose Orangefield

Pink or white hair? Who cares! Youre a GILF, Professor Orangefield, and
dont you forget it. But I know you wont let it get to your head. Youre critical,
and wont take bogus claims like arsenic-based life forms at face value. I know
youd dig deep into my carbon-based body and bring out the best in me. Ive
fallen asleep to thoughts of you cleaning my microscopethoroughly. I know
youre open about your research, but I hope once we get together you keep this
experiment under wraps. Dont think that Im embarrassed, but with a reputation
like yours, Im sure its best to keep this in my drawers. Find me in the first row,
Mrs. O.

Professor Mattyews
I walked into your class last year by accident. Ive never seen a grown man look so
good wearing a shirt that has a working set of drums on it. But it was this playfulness that really lured me in past your sweaty exterior. You started playing a
sick beat on your tummy, and my heart started to thump along with it. Ever
since then I cant stop thinking about you. I gravitated to you like an electron to an ionized nucleus. I study creative writing, you teach rocket science, but Ill find ways to bring our bond together. Id ride your rocket
to the stars any day. Lets keep this heartbeat rhythm you started
going strong and hard.

Interpreting the Twittersphere

TRENDS

Correction
We are sorry.
Earlier in this issue, we stated, The line of inappropriate behaviour ends here, promising that all unethical behaviour had been
disclosed by the Beer-Standard.
Regrettably, this is not true. It has come to our attention that Kay
Turquoise, while an Editor at the Beer-Standard, had an ongoing
relationship with Jeremiah McMurdoch, former AMS President
and cousin of Justine McMurdoch.
Christ. Damn it. We should have seen that. Alright, thats it. WE
PROMISE.
- Justine McMurdoch, Beer-Standard Publisher

@raul_pachecko

Ive never seen you in person before, but Ive fallen for you over
Twitter. Youre twice my age and yet your social media skills
are of a 14 year old constant and second-nature. Every tweet
makes me hot, like each word is a sensual caress. Ive stayed
home more than once to just read each one of them as they
come in, getting more and more aroused. Some nights youre
such a tease and stop before I can finish. I dont care whether
youre tweeting about politics or wine tasting, you have me
twitterpated. What classes do you teach? Do your appearances live up to your tweets? Hummingbirds can mate,
right? Actually, it doesnt matter, I like how our relationship
is now. Just dont stop tweeting.

Professor Christian Erickman

When I first saw you, I couldnt believe my eyes. Would

I actually be able to learn Locke, explore Marx and find
political allegories in Where The Wild Things Are from
such a beautiful man? Socialist or fascist, I honestly
wouldnt have minded where you stood. But you swept
me right across the political spectrum. You may have
taught me Machiavelli, but if youre with me youll always
feel like The Prince. Lets meet up sometime, or maybe Ill
just have to take advantage of your office hoursafter hours.

NEW FOUND ANGLO AFFECTION FOR BOY BANDS SPARKS

With groups like New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys selling out stadiums, some are wondering if theres more than nostalgia
behind the sudden resurgence of boy bands.
The Gonnelly Pub Group is willing to take the risk and is backing
the city-wide search for a new five-piece fantasy group.
Mr Gonnelly himself says that he doesnt see this as a revival of boy
bands, but as a new stream.
This stream of boy band popularity is completely disconnected
from the first wave in the 90s. The second wave is actually being
imported from Korea, where K-pop boy bands never went out of style.
Gonnelly said theyll be holding auditions at UBC in the near future
for the roles of the sporty, smart, and peppy boys, while they will audition for the bad-boy type in East Van.
But president of the K-pop fanclub, SoYoung Kim, said shes going
to be protesting the auditions.
Korea never lost respect for boy bands. You cant just throw them
to the side and pick them back up whenever you want. Its totally
disrespectful.
Still, Kim said she will probably listen to the new band anyway, as
long as the members have carefully feathered hair.

UBYSSEY BEER-STANDARD, Monday, April 2, 2012

10 SIGNS YOUR BOYFRIEND IS ABOUT TO DUMP YOU

1. He deleted his Facebook wall so he can only receive messages.
2. He just sends you one-word texts. He only initiates a text conversation with
the message, Sex?
3. He asks for bumpkin, but instead of a traditional bumpkin he wants you to
give him a bumpkin while he sits in a urinal.
4. His credit card bill has a statement from Shaolin Premium Massage for
$350.
5. He started the Twitter handle @UBCDimeWatch
6.On the rare occasions you still have sex, he doesnt take his shirt or socks
off. He doesnt take any of your clothes off either.
7. Sex lasts one minute. He proceeds to roll over and go to bed, handing you a
napkin.
8.He neglects to groom his pubic hair. He lets it grow into a massive afro of
disgust. Particles of semen are matted in the hair, and the sheer amount of
forest makes his penis look two inches smaller then it actually is.

AG!
B
E
H
DOUC

9. He sleeps with your best friend, in your moms apartment, in her bed. Then
he takes an upper decker in the bathroom.
10. He buys you a sybian machine. Tells you to take care of business while he
goes out and crushes beers with the boys while looking for dimes.

Get some drinks in for the lads

Youre a man. You lack basic communication skills and emotional intelligence. Sword is

the beer for you.

Sword
Beer
Sword. The aggressively masculine choice.

UBYSSEY BEER-STANDARD, Monday, April 2, 2012

A special dating supplement Bag the academic of your dreams

Quiz: Are you

pregnant?
You are:
a) Male
b) Female
c) NOT THE FATHER!

Youve been thinking of getting a

new bra. Your current one is:
a) What bra? My nipples cut through
all of them
b) A training bra
c) Stained with a white substance. And
its not man-milk
When you have sex, you:
a) Do it in the clunge
b) Do it in the back door
c) Only engage in heavy petting

EXCLUSIVE

The last time you rode the crimson

wave was:
a) Last week
b) Are you saying Im fat? Periods are
for girls who eat their feelings
c) Could have been a couple of weeks
ago but I was too black-out to remember. It was spring break, bitches!!!!

Tired of lackluster guys? Want to

pick someone up who neither hangs
a Scarface poster beside his bed nor
reeks of bong water?
At UBC, you can nab some of the
citys most eligible bachelorswithout going any further than your 10am
psych class. Our schools deans arent
just accomplished scholars, theyre
damn sex-ay as well.

Your go-to choice of birth control

is:
a) Gravity
b) A sanitary napkin, post-coital
c) Jesus

Arts Dean Gage Maverick is hot, hot,

hotdont let the understated
wire-rimmed glasses fool you. The
56-year-old, limpid blue-eyed
egghead and Grammy nominee
spends his days in the dreary Buchanan A block, and could probably use a
little cheering up.

Your underwear is:

a) Underwear is for nice girls
b) Regular boy-shorts. Perfect for semen seepage
c) Made of one-part chastity belt
When you get home from work you:
a) Read Twilight
b) Make your favourite snack: Nutella
face with pickles. It involves Nutella,
your face and pickles
c) Make Nutella face and proceed to
masturbate/get blackout/have unprotected sex
Look down at your feet. You are
wearing:
a) Nothing. Your feet dont fit into
shoes anymore
b) What are feet? I havent seen them
in months
c) Fluevogs
Scores
a) 1 b) 4 c) 10
a) 7 b) 1 c) 9
a) 7 b) 1 c) 0
a) 0 b) 5 c) 8
a) 17 b) 40 c) -5
a) 12 b) 47 c) 0
a) -1 b) 23 c) 12898
a) 9 b) 19 c) -2
If you scored between 0 and 10:
Congratulations, your uterus is as
empty as Berlusconis conscience!
Lets hope it stays that way.
Between 10 and 100: You might be
pregnant but at this point your baby
only consists of alcohol and spunk, so
dont worry too much about it.
Over 100: Get ready to welcome the
biggest party foul into the world. Good
luck pre-gaming with that shit.

Line to use: I heard youre really into

the ethnomusicology of Haiti!
I totally own a Wyclef Jean CD. Were
obviously meant for each other!

DEANS

THE BEST PART OF THE

UNIVERSITY
EXPERIENCE?

The Dean of Science, Simon

Pigeon, struts his stuff studying
geotectonics, which according to his
bio involves great earthquakes and
explosive volcanism. But with his cute
little goatee and oh-so-suave slightly
receding hairline, hes causing great
earthquakes in our hearts.
Line to use: Oh Simon, baby, youre
so gneiss Ill never take you for granite.
Over at the Sauder School of Business, Dean Davie Musicalias name
is music to our ears. With all of the
suaveness of a CEO, Dave was recently snapped up to lead the Conference Board of Canada. This means
youll have to act fast.
Line to use: Im hot to gobut only
for you.
And finally, Dr. Gravy Stewart is
UBCs dean of Medicine. Hes won
all sorts of awards throughout his careeras a gynecologist. Do we need
to say any more?
Line to use: I wish I was your coronary artery, so that I could be wrapped
around your heart.

10

UBYSSEY BEER-STANDARD, Monday, April 2, 2012

y man has confessed

to fantasizing about
being colonized. I dont
share his fantasies, but
I am willing to accommodate him.
Where do I start?

SUSAN
LOVE
CHUNKS

Sun Never Sets

First of all, SNS, give yourself a
pat on the back! Not all women
are so willing to indulge their male
partners. Hopefully your man recognizes your willingness to brutally
subjugate him as a sign of devotion
to your relationship!
Secondly, remember that you
are not alone. Colonization is a
common fantasy among men in
the UK. A 2008 poll showed that
14 per cent of the male population is aroused by fantasies about
being subjected to the grossest
transgressions of the 19th century
British Empire.
To start, you are going to need
a pith helmet, a bullwhip and a
sachet of spices/looseleaf tea.
Once youve committed to the
colonial lifestyle, you may wish to
invest in more elaborate gear, such
as full naval/army uniform, a T.E.
Lawrence faux-Arab getup, or a
horse. Some colonialists even pay
ethnic-looking men to carry them
around on palanquins, but labour
laws and safety standards make
this approach paperwork-heavy.
Your man will play the role of a
colonized country. He can choose
one, or you can pick one yourself.
Remember: Afghanistan was
never successfully conquered!
Your job is to wear the pith helmet and lash your manarousinglywith the bullwhip. Make sure
not to leave any thick, pus-oozing
welts in areas that your man would
not normally cover with his work
clothing. While he may be comfortable playing Empire with you, he
may not be ready to come out to
his friends and associates.
Prior to beginning colonial play,
your husband must take care
to insert the sachet of spices/
tea in his anus. This is where the
colon in colonization comes
in. The spices/tea represent the
natural resources of the country
you represent, and your financial
incentive for brutally oppressing
and dehumanizing the occupants
of that country/the man you are
involved with.
Your goal, as colonist, is to strike
your man on and around his fitfully
clenched sphincter until either
it dilates, releasing the precious
spices/tea from the colons grip, or
the subject faints from blood loss.
Colonization play opens a whole
new world of possibilities to any
open-minded couple. So go forth
and do your duty, SNS, for God
and country!
I am an American man currently
dating an English woman. She
says she feels uncomfortable kissing me because my teeth arent
awful enough. What should I do?
Nine out of ten Dentists
Approve
How unfortunate, NOOTDA!

lovechunks@ubybeer.co.uk

THE SEX COLUMN YOU

READ ONE-HANDED
Most likely, your beaus previous flings have all been with UK
citizens like herself. Luckily, your
problem is not uncommon. Many
of us Brits are put off the first time
we encounter a full set of reasonably straight, at least off-white
teeth for the first time in person.
The important thing is to take
things slowly, and do your best
to bring the quality of your smile
down to English levels of horrendousness.
Consuming 20 to 30 cups of
strong tea daily is a good place to
start. Take care, when drinking tea,
to hold it in your mouth as long as
possible, swishing it around for up
to a minute before swallowing. You
really need to let the tea particles
sink in. After a while your pearly
whites should develop a brownish
patina, not far from the colour of
one of your American pennies.
Next, a smoking habit is essential. Stick to hand-rolled, unfiltered
cigarettes. When you finish a cigarette, stub it out on your tongue,
then chew up the butt and work
the bits of tobacco into the gums
at the base of your teeth. This will
not only aid proper colouring, but
remove your tastebuds, making
British cuisine seem palatable,
even vibrant.
Finally, you need to unstraighten
your teeth. Costly dental surgery
can take care of this, but a better bet is to go out to a pub on a
Saturday night and find a bloke
with six or seven generations of
inbreeding in him. Hell be wearing a football shirt. Loudly insult
the name of the football club on
his shirt. Doing this will free you
of some extra incisors, as well
as hopefully knocking the whole
gleaming mouth-mass permanently awry.

One final tip: It isnt necessary

to give up brushing your teeth.
Just switch to an English brand of
toothpaste, one that consists of at
least 90 per cent heavy cream and
includes the recommended daily
dose of treacle or custard.
In a few weeks time, you should
have those perfect white rows
reduced to the crumbling stack of
infected bone we Brits consider so
eminently kissable.
Help! My hubby refuses to wear
a black latex gimp suit and eat out
my asshole while I flagellate the
head of his penis with a frayed
telephone cord. Is our marriage
failing?
Is This The End?
I think you know the answer to
this question, ITTE. The warning
signs are right in front of you. Any
husband who isnt willing to make
accommodations for his wifes
sexual preferences is a husband
who cant be trusted.
Normally, I would recommend
divorcing your husband immediately, and finding someone who
can fulfill your (perfectly natural
and shameless) needs. However, I
also understand how difficult it can
be to leave a committed relationship. After all, there is a chance
the two of you could make this
work out.
If your husband is squeamish
about shoving his tongue up your
anus, try investing in a sturdy
enema kit with at least a one year
limited warranty. There is a big difference between a fully-cleansed
asshole and one which is flecked
with dried fecal matter.
What is your husbands favourite
type of jam or preserve? Smear-

ing some on the area you wish to

be orally pleasured will encourage
enthusiastic licking.
In regards to the gimp suit, look
for one with a pattern or colour that
appeals to your husband. If he is
working class man, you cant go
wrong with Burberry plaid.
There is no way around the matter of glans-flogging. This is a line
in the sand. If your husband will not
allow you to mercilessly flog the
sensitive tip of his erect organ, he
does not truly love you.
Hopefully this helps, ITTE!
Remember, there are plenty of
potential sex objects out there. If
this one doesnt work for you, you
can look forward to the process
of shopping around for a husband
who will submit to your healthy,
sex-positive whims.

Correction
We are sorry.
Earlier in this issue, we unequivocally stated that we
had disclosed all relationships
between Ubyssey editors and
AMS Executives. We forgot to
mention that TayTay Lorena
also worked for The Ubyssey
for three months. We profusely
apologize.
- Justine McMurdoch,
Beer-Standard Publisher

Elevator ride with

Stepan Troope
The presidents dramatic encounter
with the lift had many observers
grasping for words.
President Troope had just left
a crucial executive conference
yesterday afternoon when he and
his entourage encountered some
trouble with the building lift. After
he approached the doors, Troope
pushed the button designed to
bring the carriage to his floor.
Unfortunately, things didnt quite go
according to plan.
Despite the button lighting up,
observers were shocked to see
nothing arrive at Troopes location.
Usually the doors open pretty
soon, but that didnt happen, said
a bystander.
Surveillance cameras on
location reveal that the president
was forced to wait for almost a full
minute.
The drama ended when, with a
ding, the lift doors finally opened.
Reports say Troope then descended several floors, and was able to
safely exit the building.
As of printing, there is yet no
word as to what caused the unprecedented delay.
Troopes spokesman commented
on the incident, promising change.
The presidents staff [are devoted
to him, and will seek out] alternate
travel arrangement if this continues
to be [as difficult of a disruption as
it was today].
News of the incident travelled
fast on social networking sites.
Twitter was going mad after reports
were first leaked.
But a close friend of Troopes,
who wished to remain unnamed,
revealed the presidents feeling on
the matter. He had quite a shock.
After the amount of time spent
developing UBCs structures, he
has certain expectations. [The
president] was really shaken.
Goodnight President Troope
is a new childrens picture book
arriving summer of 2012. Lovingly
illustrated by Anne Glassier, this
is sure to be a bedtime classic for
years to come.
Share the glory with future
generations, and order your copy
of Goodnight President Troope
by calling our sales line at 02835
770319.

WIN GREAT PRIZES IN THE BEER-STANDARDS GIVEAWAY CONTEST!

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T-Birds involved in drugfuelled animal-sex romp

The UBC Varsity Football Team

was rocked by a scandal this past
weekend during a sex, drugand
animalfilled boat cruise around
Coal Harbour.
Five members of the team,
including team captain Alexander
Kameron, were caught by photographers with copious amounts of
cocaine, three naked women and
a swath of farm animals.
A close source, who wished
to remain anonymous, said that
members of the team spent an
estimated $15,000 on three blue
chip Lithuanian prostitutes, four
chickens and one young mare in
heat.
A friend of Kamerons, who is
worried about his mental health,
contacted the Ubyssey Beer Standard, but wanted his name held.
Kameron has been experimenting with beastialityrecently,he
said. I came around his flat the
other day, and I see him wanking
off to a horse rearing a blindfolded

women. It was really mentalreally sick.

The Ubyssey Beer Standard
contacted Gorging Allsheep, a
leading professor in the field of
human coition with animals.
Usually a man inclined to engage in intercourse with an animal
is suffering from an acute disorder
of evolutionary identity crisis, said
Allsheep.
In the case of Mr. Kameron, it
seems he is unaware that he is living in a polite 21st century society.
Perhaps this kind of behaviour
would be understandable in Wales
or New Zealand, where coition
with sheep is an activity that
symbolizes respect and power in
low income, uneducated regions
of each country.
According to one of the cleaners
on the boat, they saw Kameron
alone in the room with two of the
chickens, one of the Lithuanian
women and the young mare.
In graphic detail, our source

explained that Kameron instructed

the Lithuanian to force the two
chickens to fight each other, and
after one had succumbed to its
wounds, Kameron made the Lithuanian lather him in lubricant before
getting the pony to mount him from
behind.
The source also said there was
a large amount of cocaine present
in the room.
The scandal couldnt come at
a worse time for the UBC Varsity
Football Club. They recently lost
the local World Cup to the Art
Institute of Imag Phallic by three
socres. It also remains to be seen
how theSex Mate scandal will
effect Kamerons high profile
relationship with international pop
sensation Ke$ha.
We at The Beer-Standard are
unconcerned about the power
couple, as Ke$has music is as
trashy as she is. We wouldnt be
surprised if she introduced Kameron to his first horse.

UBYSSEY BEER-STANDARD, Monday, April 2, 2012

Star Billy-Boy to kick

T-Birds to the curb?
Star Kicker Billy Platypus has
demanded a transfer over lack of
kicking opportunities, sources say.
It is understood that Billy boy
isn't unhappy with selectionalready taking every punt and field
goalhe simply wants to kick
more things.
"You can see him on the
sidelines, kicking into the practice
goal over and over and over,"
said a liquor store cashier. "But
my roommate's sister works with
the kit lady and you know what
she told me?
"He wants to kick more things.
He doesn't kick enough."
Frustration over empty swings
may have brought the Thunderbird to the drink, as trusted sources have given lurid accounts in
recent days of a soused Platypus
wandering through construction
sites, kicking over pylons and
breaking through brittle, halfdemolished walls.
Team officials, eager to keep
the accomplished placekick specialist, have been rushing to find
new things for him to kick. But trials with the soccer team, studies
in the school of kinesiology, and
door-busting duty in Totem have
been ineffective in satiating Billy's
desire to kick.

For his part, sources familiar

with the situation say that Platypus' camp can't come up with
any preferred destinations for the
forlorn placekicker.
"Kicking is basically the same
in the CFL, so there isn't a lot of
worthwhile advancement," said
his barber's cellphone agent.
"There isn't a martial art based
on just kicking in one direction
with one foot, so I've heard he
tried MMA. But there's not a lot of
occupations that involve kicking,
you know?"
Away from athletics, Billy boy
has been looking for further uses
for his talent. But delivery is a
wash, as his kicks destroy the
cargo before the package can
land, and they're also too forceful
to repair electronics by kicking
the side of TVs and other delinquent equipment.
The Thunderbirds would be
in a pinch, as backup kicker
Chris Whitney has put kicking
on hold to focus on a theological
degree. "I don't understand how
he does it. You can't just kick
everything," he is understood to
have said at a Tim Hortons at
2am. "There's more to life than
kicking. There must be more to
life."

Corrections

We are sorry.
Earlier in this issue, we allowed Justin McMurdoch to issue corrections on our behalf.
It has come to our attention that Justine McMurdoch, former
Publisher of The Beer-Standard, was not actually human. Indeed,
he is a 200-year old robot, who lived off of Coke and guilting
his employees. McMurdoch has since been removed to begin a
career of reputable journalism at The Provincial Newspaper. We
apologize for the error.
- Bryce Warnes, incoming Beer-Standard Publisher
The Ubyssey Beer-Standard

Oi, my son!

As reliable as a scouse chav, and with as much insight

as a Millwall football fan

11

Bates and Sons

Ethical Book keeping

12

UBYSSEY BEER-STANDARD, Monday, April 2, 2012

SPORT

I WAS A
QUIDDITCH
DRUG MULE
Landon Brown was just an ordinary foreign-exchange student
from England who fancied the
game of Quidditchat least
thats what everyone thought.
But Brown had a deep, dark
secret.
Every time I went for Quidditch practice, I would disappear
for hours just to fly to Hogwarts
to bring back wizard drugs,
said Brown, a gaunt boy of 20,
who plays Seeker on the UBC
Quidditch team.
We always just thought he
was a crap player, said one of
his Quidditch teammates who
wished to remain anonymous.
Sometimes well finish the
game and hell be on the losing
team and hell act really prissy
like he got something up his
arse.
Indeed, there was something
up Landon Browns buttocks.
With his broomstick, he would
fly to Hogwarts, a boarding

school near England. There,

Brown said the organization
he was part of, the so-called
Inquisitorial Squad, would shove
up his rectum small vials of a
liquid drug called Felix Felicis
and another called Amortentia.
Both drugs are known to cause
giddiness and whimsy for the
user.
Brown would then fly back to
UBC and resume playing the
Quidditch game, often claiming
he just could not find the Snitch
and had a wedgie.
Brown, who was a selfproclaimed wizard gangsta, is
more of a wizard wanksta, as he
failed to successfully transport
a quarter-pound of Floo Powder
last Friday after UBC Security
arrested him in the middle of a
Quidditch practice. Since the arrest, he has been kicked off the
Quidditch team and is currently
being held in custody in a small,
windowless prison.

He claimed
his sister, Lavender Brown,
was the one
who put him
up to this. I
didnt want
to! But she
has powers
and Im just a
squib.
A close
source
said that Brown was not only
a smuggler of these foreign
drugs, but was also a dealer.
His usual hangout was at the
study carrels in the book stacks
of the Irving Barber Learning
Centreselling to anyone who
could cough up the big bucks
for the potent drugs. The potions allegedly sold for up to
250 for a 35ml vial.
An unnamed third-year
Forestry student said, I would
snort so much Floo Powder, I

DRUGS?
felt
like I was in two places at once.
Bloody expensive though.
No one man should have all
that pow[d]er. Brown burst
out crying.
His pee sample, which Brown
discarded carelessly and
which we obtained very legally,
showed traces of rainbow swirls
and there was liquid gold in his
stool.
He said his organization
wanted to target a new group of
buyers who would be interested

in outof-this-world substances that

made ecstasy seem like M&Ms
and cocaine as plain as rice
cakes.
UBC President S. Troope
said he does not get involved
in international drug affairs.
I dont get involved in nonmuggI mean, international
drug affairs. He later got his
new undersecretary, Draco
Malfoy, to retract the previous
statement.

queenlingerie

corr blimey! make your fun bags look like these at our downtown store.

queensnickers.co.uk