FREE

FADBUSTERS
SODA
FIGHT CAPITALISM,
DRINK COLA 9

THE UBYSSEYS ANNUAL SPOOF ISSUE! APRIL 1 / 2011

OUR
MAYOR

WE THINK THAT HE
IS REALLY SEXY 5

HOUSING
WOES

PEOPLE COMPLAIN
ABOUT YUPPIES 8

CRAPPY
FILMS

ARE PASSED OFF

AS INTERESTING 6

pretty
lady
We put an attractive woman on the
front page of The Taint
What she does isnt important,
cuz good lookin gals obviously
make you pick up our paper

LIBERALS MADE
A DECISION
THE NDP SAY BOO, THATS
A BAD DECISION 3

A FAMOUS
PERSONS NAME
THEY HAD A CONFERENCE CALL
AND SAID SOMETHING CATTY 12

VAN-MOTHERFUCKING-COUVER!
THE BEST-EVER CITY, PANDERED
TO BY AN ALT WEEKLY 30

ESCORT ADS 50 SOME BAND 23 HOT YOGA 9 ADVERTISEMENTS 2-64

letters
Crochet circles a
reprieve from the grind
Your article on meditative
ornamental crochet circles
in obscure Nepalese mountain villages (Eat, Pray, Meditate-whileCrocheting,) resonated deeply
within me. It is inspiring to know
there are still places in the world
where we can escape the obsessed
consumerism of Western culture.
We are constantly bombarded
with messages by the capitalist institutions of the state and big business, telling us to buy this thing
or get a job or stop spending all
day in your basement doing mushrooms. What kind of a life is this?
When we submit to the oppressions of liberal democracy, our
inner energy reserves grow flaccid and impotent. We must arouse
ourselves, grip the needles of Nepalese ornamental crochet tightly in
our fists and re-awaken the animal
spirit that lies dormant in the recesses of our souls.
Also, is it possible to hitchhike
to Nepal? Because I dont really
have any money at the moment.
> KORBAN GATTICKSON /
TAINT.COM

Nepal is gentrified
Youre too late, Georgian
Taint. Meditative ornamental
crochet circles in obscure Nepalese mountain villages are no longer authentic Nepalese culture,
because theyve been overrun with
Westerners trying to find themselves. These days, if you want

to experience the real Nepal and

truly discover the essence of your
being, you need to go to an even
more obscure mountain village
and take in the ancient custom
of hoola-hooping while riding a
rhinoceros while stoned. But lets
just keep this to ourselves, Taint
readers, because as soon as too
many people start doing it well
have to find something newer and
weirder.
> WHILLAN GREGOROVICH /
TAINT.COM

Harpers policies are

just wrong. All of them.
Argh, dont you just hate
Stephen Harper? That guy really
makes me mad. Rrrrrrrrr.
> KATHERINE PATTERFIELD /
TAINT.COM

Pretty researcher/
singer/celebrity perks
me up!
Thank you for your feature
last week on the Pretty Lady! (A
Pretty Lady Does Something,) I
think its important for us to see
Pretty Ladies out in the world
today, doing those things that
they do. Could you please bring
us more of this coverage? We just
dont hear enough about Pretty
Ladies, and Im glad the Taint is
doing its part to bring this neglected subject into the spotlight.
> GUY MANN /
TAINT.COM

LIES! ALL LIES!

I was deeply disappointed
by the story in your previous issue (New Medical Dispensaries Budding in Kits) in which
you refer to cannabis as a Drug.
Cannabis is not a DRUG it is a
MEDICINE that has been used
by the Ancient Hindus, Egyptians,
Atlanteans and Nomadic Asian
Shamans & has formed the basis
for most of Human CIVILIZATION. To call cannabis a DRUG
is to propagate the LIES invented
by the CIA and spread by the Roman Catholic Church (& their
perverted PRIESTS) and the State
of Israel in order to justify the Illegal Drug War against Citizens of
the WORLD. Cannabis appears in
the Old Testament as Manna from
HEAVEN and as the Tree of Life
and was Sanctified by Jesus at the
Last Supper, which Great Italian
painter Leonardo Da Vinci recorded in his painting of the event.
Shame on you Georgian Taint, and
shame on our government for believing the Lies of the Deceivers
and Snakes who imprison & KILL
the practitioners of the Art of
Nurturing and growing the Sacred
Herb. One day there will be justice
and you will all pay for your demonic and profane Lies.

ITS HOT YOGA YOU DO ON YOUR BIKE!

Tiredofhavingtochoosebetweenridingyour
bike,doinghotyogaandeatingdeliciousraw
vegancuisine?DoallthreeatKits!Ourconvenient 4th Ave location is just a short ride from
the UBC Campus.

> LEONARD MILLBANKS III /

TAINT.COM

Bore yourself more online at

www.taint.com/.

604.555.6678
www.kitshotbikeyoga.ca

Send all letters to letters@taint.

com. Yours may not get published if our mail-sorting chimp
decides to eat it.

The Georgian Taint | Vancouvers News and Entertainment Weekly and the Area Between the Genetials
and the Anus | Volume 420 Number 69

it could be the best haircut youve had

...or the last.

Room 24, Student Union Building, 6138 Student Union Boulevard, Vancouver, B.C. V6T 1Z1 www.taint.com
Phone: 604-822-2301 / Fax: nada / e-mail: feedback@ubyssey.ca
Print Advertising: 604-822-1654 / e-mail: advertising@ubyssey.ca
Web Advertising: 604-822-1658 / e-mail: webads@ubyssey.ca

COORDINATING EDITOR
Sparky McBellboy
SECTION EDITORS
People Like Me (News)
James Waterfield &
Sheriff Warnes (Culture)
Tiberius Tiger (Features)
Jaime Le Sport (Sports)
Geofffffff Listerrrrr (Photos)
Crawshaw Bolongulo (Copy)
Barbie Tuna (Multimedia)
Mickiangelos David (Video)

ASSOCIATE EDITORS
Smilin Stalin
Sick Steph
STAFF WRITERS
Pretty Lady, Sassy Pretty Lady
CONTRIBUTORS
That Guy
That Other Guy
And This Dame
PRODUCTION MANAGER
Virgin Nards

The Ubyssey is the official student newspaper of the University of British Columbia. It is published every Monday and Thursday by The Ubyssey Publications Society. We are an autonomous, democratically run student organization, and all students are encouraged to participate.
Editorials are chosen and written by the Ubyssey staff. They are the expressed opinion of the staff, and do not necessarily reflect the views of The
Ubyssey Publications Society or the University of British Columbia. All editorial content appearing in The Ubyssey is the property of The Ubyssey Publications Society. Stories, opinions, photographs and artwork contained herein cannot be reproduced without the expressed, written permission of The
Ubyssey Publications Society.
The Ubyssey is a founding member of Canadian University Press (CUP) and
adheres to CUPs guiding principles.
Letters to the editor must be under 300 words. Please include your phone
number, student number and signature (not for publication) as well as your
year and faculty with all submissions. ID will be checked when submissions
are dropped off at the editorial office of The Ubyssey; otherwise verification
will be done by phone. Perspectives are opinion pieces over 300 words but
under 750 words and are run according to space. Freestyles are opinion
pieces written by Ubyssey staff members. Priority will be given to letters and
perspectives over freestyles unless the latter is time sensitive. Opinion pieces
will not be run until the identity of the writer has been verified. The Ubyssey

THE GEORGIAN TAINT

APRIL 1 / 2011

ILLUSTRATOR
Magical Elfin Lady
WEBMASTER
Server Guy
BUSINESS MANAGER
Fernando
PRINT AD SALES
Crazy Screaming Lady
WEB AD SALES
Pbucci
ACCOUNTS
Two Scoops of Hoopes

reserves the right to edit submissions for length and clarity. All letters must
be received by 12 noon the day before intended publication. Letters received
after this point will be published in the following issue unless there is an urgent time restriction or other matter deemed relevant by the Ubyssey staff.
It is agreed by all persons placing display or classified advertising that if the
Ubyssey Publications Society fails to publish an advertisement or if an error
in the ad occurs the liability of the UPS will not be greater than the price paid
for the ad. The UPS shall not be responsible for slight changes or typographical errors that do not lessen the value or the impact of the ad.

Canada Post
Sales Agreement
#0040878022

nal cut:
blades of sttel
a birch pictures presentation

taint talk
BC PLACE CRYSTAL
FINALLY CHARGED

The giant space crystal in the

heart of BC Place has finally
charged, say officials.
The crystala four-ton meteorite which touched down in the
heart of present day Abbotsford
on October 13, 1867has been
charging for the past twenty
years.
BC Place itself is really just a
housing mechanism for the crystal, said Walter Heisenberg.
It accumulates human soulforce from the surrounding city,
then channels it into the crystals
via admantium-plated cables.
Heisenberg is the foremost
spokesman for the Acolytes of
the Crystal, a mysterious cult
and registered charity that has
maintained ownership of the
crystal since its arrival on Earth
144 years ago. The groups duties include maintenance of both
the crystal and its charging harness, which is formed of pure
energy filtered through a regulation mechanismthe blueprints
for which, says Heisenberg, were
discovered in the ruins of Atlantis.
My forefathers dreamed of
this day, said Heisenberg. Their
deaths will not have been in vain.
While no sourcesincluding
the Acolyteshave been able
or willing to explain the purpose
off the crystal, or its expected
effects, nearby residents did not
seem concerned by its otherworldly, pulsing glow.
As long as it doesnt drive my
property price down, Im fine with
it, said Don Harrington, who lives
within sight of BC Place. But I
have to wonder how they managed to find any soul-force in
Yaletown.

DAVID SUZUKI GIVEN

AWARD

David Suzuki blah blah international award blah free-range

eggs warmed by solar panels. Su-

zuki, who is blah blah blah god on

earth blah blah awesome, was a
blah blah UBC blah Pit Pub.
The planet is blah blah 2045
blah blah 80 per cent blah Greenland, he said, stroking his blah
blah beard. Blah blah Nature of
Things blah blah heat stroke blah
blah Columbia.
Defar Wright, a spokesperson for the Fraser Institute, which
blah blah funding blah blah neoconvervatives, said that Suzukis
award was foolish, adding blah
blah blah.
Blah blah carbon tax blah blah
giraffes, he said. Blah blah Gordon Campbell blah Saturn blah.
Suzuki was unavailable for comment.

BC LIBERALS RESPOND
TO NDP CRITICISM

BC Premier and Liberal leader

Christy Clark responded today
to NDP criticisms blah blah
environmental deregulation blah
blah.
The concern is blah blah, she
said, before adding, It is important
to note that this only blah blah blah.
NDP Environment critic Rob
Fleming said that wasnt good
enough. In a recent policy proposal,
Fleming blah blah blah by 2015, by
taxing blah blah corporations.
For ten years the Liberals
have blah blah environment blah
privatized blah disregard for
nature, he said. Ordinary British
Columbians blah blah our future blah.
Mel Lehan, wonderful human
being, also weighed in.
Blah blah Canada Line, blah
alternative options blah run of the
river, he said.

CAMPBELL STILL A
DOUCHEMONKEY

Despite being retired, Gordon

Campbell blah blah stupid blah
blah mean blah rich blah peak oil
blah Gateway Project.
In a recent poll, it was discovered nine out of ten Taint editors

who hated Campbell in 2005 still

hate him, for simmering reasons
they cant put their finger on.
CanWest! said Chipper
Smitty in response. BC Rail blah
blah Olympics blah blah children
and families blah, he added.
Though no longer premier,
Campbell only dropped from #2
to #6 on The Taints Gratuitous
Potshots List, trailing Stephen
Harper, Sarah Palin, George
W. Bush, Michael Ignatieff, and
whoever the hell it was that made
those arts cuts.

SMOKING BANNED
WITHIN SIX FEET OF
TREES

The City of Vancouver will introduce a by-law this summer that

imposes penalties upon any
smokers caught lighting up within
six metres of trees.
Smoking has proven harmful to
trees in blah blah studies blah blah
blah instances of leaf spot, said
council member Sarah Li. And
trees blah blah can get cancer, so
blah blah erectile dysfunction.

NDP Environment critic Rob

Fleming endorsed the decision.
It has been an established
fact for many years now that
trees blah blah carbon footprint
blah polar bears and baby penguins, he said, adding, Blah
blah, Alberta oil sands.
However, proprietors of some
downtown businesses are concerned that the decision will negatively affect them.
Many of our customers enjoy
both fresh green foliage and cigarettes, said Larry Lundstrom,
owner of Ballsweat, a new club
on Hastings Street. If people
arent allowed to smoke near
trees, blah blah blah declining
revenues, blah blah liquor sales
blah Dont tread on me.
No set date has been determined for the introduction of the
by-law, although blah blah blah
sometime in June.

ARTS CUTS DECRIED BY

PROTESTERS

Art Gallery to blah blah blah blah

blah blah arts cuts last blah blah
blah blah blah.
Blah blah vital blah community, said Loren Emmitt, a Vancouver fabrics artist who blah
blah protests. We need to show
the Liberal government blah blah
feelings.
A VAG press release following
the cuts blah blah stated, The
arts are essential to dialogue
blah blah diverse groups blah
blah blah.
Ronald White, a collage artist
whose exhibition, Blah, was prematurely shut down when blah
blah blah blah, said he thought
the protestors made their message clear to passerby.
Blah was my first exhibition,
and blah blah blah, he said, adding, Blah blah blah blah, blah
blah.
The protest lasted blah blah
blah blah, blaaaaahhhhhhhhh,
blah blaaaahhhhh, blah blah blah
blah, b l a h b l a h b l a h.

On Monday, over 70 protesters

gathered outside the Vancouver

> SHERIFF WARNES

Trust
funds and
yayo
Retail locations:
Williamsburg
119 Elitist St.
(Across from my brownstone)
Phone: 333-233-2039
Portland Southeast
Somewhere on Hawthorne
(Near the crappy Powells)
Phone: 333-233-2038
Portland Northeast
(Across from the Chinese
themed dive bar)
Phone: 333-233-2037
Fucking Seattle
all the time
8891 Grunge St.
Phone: 333-233-2039
The Bay Area
3345 Rainbow Rd.
(Across from that
sourdough bakery)
Phone: 333-233-2088

Austin
6879 Churro St.
Phone: 313-233-2039
Montreal
223 Pepsi St.
(Across from that bar
you can smoke inside)
Phone: 333-230-2039
Yaletown?
2998 $$$$$ Ave.
(Across from a homeless
dude)
Phone: 333-733-2039
Youve Never Heard of It
???? MissingNo. St.
(Across from we have it
on vinyl)
Phone: 300-233-2039

Americas Apparel
APRIL 1 / 2011

THE GEORGIAN TAINT 3

SELF-CONGRATULATIONS

W
e
bu
ilt
it,
it
s
em
pt
y

So High up.
God knows
how many
stories, it
wont even
matter where
its located.

Going for far too much

The Economist has once again ranked Vancouver highly on both
smashing and banging

Vancouver voted
Most Fuckable City
> BY JA MES WAT ERFIEL D

ancouver has once again

earned the top spot on
The Economist s annual Most Fuckable City
ranking, making this the fifth
year in a row the London-based
publication has told the city that
it would like to get in its pants.
The Economist s Erotic Information Unit compiles the rankings based on 30 factors within
five broad criteria: stamina, attentiveness, kink, pure animal magnetism and a wild card. Vancouver scored 98 out of a possible 100.
Vancouver has consistently
proved itself to be the most livableand fuckablecity in the
world, said Christopher Besley, vice provost at the London
School of Economics and a member of the unit. Not only does
the city score highly on education and infrastructure, but it
has also shown itself to be a tender lover thats not afraid to get
a little hot and nasty.
The Erotic Information Unit
began compiling its rankings
based on a series of dinner dates
with the cities, said Wendy Graham, a Senior Research Fellow at
the University of Cambridge who
headed the unit. Vancouver invited me back to its place, where
we engaged in heavy petting that
culminated in a full body orgasm lasting several minutes.
City Officials announced the
news at a press conference at
City Hall Tuesday.
When Simon Fraser and his
crew established their first camp
in the area that is now Vancouver, how could they have known

FUCKABILITY

that it would grow into a city

that would cause earth-shattering sexual pleasure to all who
encounter it? asked City Manager Michael Chu. It certainly
speaks to the dynamism of the
citys people and history.
The conference also included the unveiling of a new slogan
Vancouver: Oh Its So Good.
Dont Stop, Dont Stop, and an
Action Plan titled My Eyes Are
Up Here. The plan hopes to
make Vancouver a more wellrounded lover by 2025.
W hi le t his is cer ta i n ly a
cause for celebration, it is also
an opportunity to look to the future, said Chu. Vancouver will
not always be the virile pleasure
machine it is today. Its time to
look to ways that we can perhaps
be a better lover in the long term,
to really form strong emotional bonds with those we love. To
have conversations that go beyond screams of ecstasy.
The BC Legislature yesterday
approved a new provincial slogan in light of Vancouvers firstplace finish.
I a m ver y pleased to a nnounce our new slogan, British Columbia: Fuck the World,
said Minister of Tourism, Trade
and Investment Michael Smith.
The province is uniquely situated to become a world-class
fuck buddy.
Va n c o u v e r w a s f o l l o w e d
closely by Ch icago, I l l i nois.
Besley attributed Chicagos second-place win to its popularity
with those among us who like
to get smacked around a little, and the presence of Rahm
Emanuel.

RANKINGS BY CITY

TOP FOUR

HONOURABLE MENTION

1. VANCOUVER

1. PORTLAND

Giant.... mountains
Open minded

Co. Construction

LIFE CHOICES +
SUCCESS IS RELATIVE

604.666.77777
www.lifechoices.ca

HEY FATSO!
>>>Has mind-numbing work destroyed your boyish physique? Do you regularly consume fried and
fatty foods because youve become too tired and ornery to give a shit? Do you want to return to a time
where you didnt cringe at seeing natural light?
Try living a reasonably active and healthy life!
At Life Choices, we help idiot man-children learn how to live just this side
of total squalor. Our qualified instructors will teach you:
Wash your body with soap
Maybe eat fries less often
FDA
Drink 3 nights a week instead of 5 or 6
Generally get your shit together
APPROVED

GET RESULTS AFTER A LITTLE WORK

BEFORE

AFTER

Even more fair trade

Erotic microbrews

2.

CHICAGO
Bad boy, good looks
Rahm Emanuel

2.

KIEV
A cheap date
Major bride exporter

3.

COPENHAGEN
So, like, progressive
See also: all of Scandinavia

3.

PRAGUE
Kafkaesque boning
Older, grey fox type city

4.

RIO DE JANEIRO
Good lord, the muscles
Thongs, all the time

4.

TORONTO
Bwahahaha! No, just kidding.

4 THE GEORGIAN TAINT

CoC

APRIL 1 / 2011

WHY WAIT? YOUR MUSCLES ARE ATROPHYING!

EROTICA

I am the mayor of your world.

> BY SHERIFF WA RNES

ike lanes, said the

mayor. Vancouver
ne e d s more bi k e
lanes.
Mayor Roberts dismounted his
bicycle with fluid animal grace,
his calves taut and glistening with
sweat and hundreds of gently
curling, filamentous hairs. The
silicone leg grippers woven into
his MEC Randonneur shorts
outlined his exquisitely sculpted
thighs. Those thighs had tales to
tell, tales of tilling rich, Certified
Organic Delta soil; of roaming New
Zealands mythic terrain; of diving
for shellfish in hidden French
Polynesian coves. If they were
bards, Robertss thighs would strum
harps strung with the heartstrings
of star-crossed lovers.
Sustainability, said Roberts,
undoing the clasp on his Alpina
Pheos Road Helmet. Being
sustainable is good. What are we
leaving for our children?
Roberts removed the helmet
and shook his short-cropped hair
with the graceful abandon of a
young bull elk. Silver drops of
perspiration traced constellations
in the early morning air. As he
drew closer, his scent became
palpable. Robertss pores diffused
the air around him with an aura
of ancient red cedars and fresh,
moving water, underpinned with
a primal muskiness, the perfume
of tangled sleeping bags in a twoperson pup tent in the Kootenays
after a night of passionate rutting.
The future of the planet is inside
each of us, said Roberts, so close
that his body heat could be felt.
Inside me, inside you. Vancouver.

Beneath his black Castelli Aero

racing jersey, Robertss nipples
were erect.
Have you tried my juice? he
asked. He reached into his pocket
and pulled out a 375 mL bottle
of Happy Planet Lost Lagoon
Mango. Unscrewing the lid, he
tipped the bottle over his head.
The thick, orange slurry gushed
over his scalp and neck, running
in thick, sensuous rivulets down
the twin slopes of his exquisite
collar bones. The fluid slid down
his broad farmers chest and labourtoned abs, descending to the
dark mysteries below, tracing his
bulging, multiple-density chamoisclad manhood with delicate fingers
of pasteurized goodness.
Pressing close, Robertss hips
began to rock back and forth like
a schooner sailing the Tropic
of Cancer. He ran his hands
hardened by years of harvesting
organic fruit and the hearts of
women and menover his own
tightly-wound buttocks, and
described a circle with the steady
gyration of his pelvis.
I am the mayor, said Roberts,
and licked mango-apple juice from
his upper lip with a tongue soft and
pink as a Pacific sunset. I am the
mayor of your world.
As Robertss thrusting presence
reached a crescendo, a climax
of the senses that pounded any
notion of space or causality into
a shivering mist, he extended a
trembling hand. His dark brown
eyes brimming with secrets, filled
with hope and sorrow beyond
mortal comprehension, he mouthed
the words, We are stardust.

The mayor has extinguished many fires with his love hose.

Ghost town?
What ghost town?
{ People would have to have lived here for there to be ghosts }

STARTING FROM

$899,999
$399,999

.
O
.
B
.
O
,
1
2
73,0

PLEASE STOP THIS FROM BECOMING A BLIGHT ON OUR CITY

LOCAL: 604-999-9929
ALSO LOCAL: 416-782-2334

APRIL 1 / 2011

THE GEORGIAN TAINT 5

HYPOCRISY

ii

Fadbusters creates a soda

DESIGN ASSOCIATES

BECAUSE MOM
AND DAD ALWAYS
SAID YOU WERE
SPECIAL

FIZZY DRINK TO CONFRONT CORPORATE POWER STRUCTURES, PATRIARCHY

> BY C OUN T RY BEL L E

adbusters magazine is seeking to rescue the soda industry by undermining the Pepsi
and Coca-Cola monopolies. Their
new fizzy drink, ironically named
Unconsumed, will hit the shelves
this summer.
The Taint caught up with Teika
Yermoney, Fadbusters head of advertising and product design, who
explained the drink.
This soda is about taking back
the industry from the Pepsi and
Coke monopoly holders, he said.
While Unconsumed soda will have
the same basic recipe as Pepsi and
Coke, they plan to use organic high
fructose corn syrup and all-natural
chemical flavouring.
People just need an alternative.
They need to drink soda, but not
all people want to purchase from
such an evil company. Corporations. Alternative. Organic. George
Bush. Peace.
The magazine company recently
expanded their market into selling
shoes. VP Smug & Shoes, Bill Dodger, said they look a lot like Converse, but are better because they
have this giant red spot on the end
for kicking corporate ass.
Just like with the shoe brand,
Fadbusters is very particular about
where they will be selling the
product.
We are only selling to stores that
sell all-natural and organic products,
like Whole Foods or local grocers.
Nothing like Wal-Mart for sure, unless they really beef up their organic selection, said Dodger.
When asked if he saw any issues with contributing to products
on the market, he said there was no
inconsistency with their philosophy.
When you have something that is

G
IN

N
OO

CO

The soda will be devoid of labels, which, if you think about it, is actually
its own kind of labeling.

produced so thoughtfully for the

consumers sake, its just not capitalism anymore. Its just giving people awesome options, made from the
delicious sugar cane manufactured
by ethical companies who use renewable electricity under Fair Trade
agreements, he said.
Yermoney was confident Unconsumed will dominate the alternative
soda market.
This product will, and needs to
become, a worldwide phenomenon
to take down the real enemiesthe
corporations that wield power.
Were not going to have fancy
commercials with Britney Spears
wearing brand name clothing
our anything like that either. Our

spokesperson would just be a regular, everyday, dirty hipster.

Gully Bullady is an avid reader
of Fadbusters and was excited when
she heard the news.
I buy all their magazines. I find
our ideologies to really line upI
hate this consumerist bullshit that
we are fed every day, she said.
Fadbusters future in the food
and beverage industry looks bright.
I had the idea the other day of expanding into potato chips, said
Yermoney.
Imagine watching an independent film while eating our Unconsumed potato chips, sipping our soda,
and wearing our Blackspot brand
sneakersall at a low price!

A WHOLE NEW WAY TO NEVER SPEAK TO YOUR NEIGHBOURS

CALL 604.999.9999 TODAY

At ii design, we know you deserve more. Since our founding in

2001, weve striven to provide the highest quality soulless glass
towers for the upper crust of Generation Me. Continue living at the
height of privilege in one of our five central locations. Because at ii,
money talks.

ii

THE 15th ANNUAL

DESIGN ASSOCIATES

Too busy at the daily grind to have

meaningful human encounters?

best
thing you could
ever do

TAINT
READERS CHOICE
AWARDS!

BEST PLACES TO:

SMOKE WEED OUT OF A
CAN
1. The railroad tracks near
Burrard
2. Commercial and Broadway
Skytrain station
3. Front steps of the VAG

HEAR UNWANTED NEIL

YOUNG COVERS
1. Wreck Beach
2. Your Dads house
3. Granville Strip

TALK WITH HUMANS

YOUR MOM WOULD BE SO PROUD OF YOU

BUY LOTS OF ADS!

1. The Georgian Taint
2. Certainly not a publication
that is not the Taint.

Anywhere where there

are people

604.512.3425

THE GEORGIAN TAINT

APRIL 1 / 2011

best
thing you could
ever do

3. Okay we admit it: probably

the 24 or Metro

GOT A BUSINESS NEAR ONE OF THSE

HOTSPOTS? WANT TO BUY SOME ADS?
WEVE GOT LOTS OF SPACE!

CALL 604.822.1654
TAINT.CA

If you go online, we have more pretty lady photos. Like one where this pretty lady is looking really cute near a beach, and another where she is next to a building.

A pretty lady does stuff

We cant recall what
The art director wanted her on the cover, so heres a story
about her new diet book, one-woman show or gallery opening.
> BY T IBERIUS T IG ER

here are certain artists, or perhaps

academics or novelists, who seem
comfortable in any situation. When
Hungarian-born Ilona Sndor met
us for coffee, she immediately struck up a
charming conversation about the ways she
finds inspiration for her work, hardly even
noticing that we clearly didnt really know
what it was that she did.
I make sure to spend at least an hour
in nature every day, even when Im on the
road, said Sndor, presumably referring
to when she is on tour or seeking research
grants. If I dont get out and really reconnect with my centre, its like theres a dark
cloud hanging over me.
For all her love of nature, she looked perfectly at home when we took her for a fun,
sexy photoshoot against a brick wall. Actually, we took photos of the 28-year old
break-out success story, or maybe shes a
long-admired wunderkind, at a few locations. One of these photos was a teaser

spread by the beach, while another shows

her relaxing with some pieces of fruit.
Our art director told us they were really
great, and would make a good cover. As
we moved between locations, she explained
the process that went (or goes) into...whatever it is she did (or does).
Theres a lot of dead-end work and frustration that goes into [painting, songwriting
or whatever] when you start, but then you
sort of just click, said the undeniably adorable woman. Then its like youre on this
plateau and youre just able to keep going.
Already finishing up her latest exhibit
or doing a media tour for her new book, perhapsshes looking forward to taking some
time off soon.
Its really hard, but in the end the payoff comes when I head home and get to feel
that sense of accomplishment, said Sndor.
(Hold on. I think she was an SFU professor that just finished a survey that
found out something about neurological
responses to displays of kindness, or maybe something about sharks. That sounds

pretty good, right? Look, you honestly

cant say that were presenting some sort
of oppressive gender norm here. I mean,
this story centres on a woman, pretty
as she may be, who is being valued for
something that no one would consider
demeaning. Unless this is a story about
a burlesque troupe, but were pretty sure
it isnt. Just forget about it, you read the
damn article because of the pretty lady,
didnt you? Didnt you?)
Sndor concluded by talking a bit about
how this thing that she did relates to other things she has done, and then saying a
canned line about other similar things that
she will do in the future.
Unlike my past [research into human
brain states, or band], this took a lot more
time, she said, beaming in a way that
made it impossible for us to not put her on
the front cover. I actually had to concentrate on this pretty much entirely for the
last year. But I have a few more [paintings,
one-woman-plays, etc] on the back burner
that Im just dying to get out.

WHAT DOES THE LADY DO?

ARTS STUFF
1. SHES A PAINTER

2.
3.

Like, maybe shes doing a new gallery or has

some sort of big sculpture.
Shes a performance artist.
Maybe, but arent those the people that
smear blood on themselves?
Shes starting a new show!
Yeah, that sounds good. Shes an actress... or
a director?

WRITES BOOKS
1. ABOUT A RAW VEGAN DIET

2.
3.

There are a lot of diets, pretty much a new one

every day, so theres a good chance this is true.
About growing up in a small town.
Are there a lot of these in Hungary? If she
was Canadian this would be a safe bet.
Maybe it was a kids book.
We hope she doesnt have kids, or a husband, but if she does this is probably it.

SMARTY-PANTS
1. NEW STUDY ABOUT CANCER

2.
3.

That would be awesome, because it means

shes super-smart AND super-cute.
Some sort of psychology thing
Probably a study about why ladies are attracted to handsome photo-journalists.
Marine Biology
Specializing in either something cute like
dolphins, or scary like manta rays.

Get Outta Dodge

Company

Construct a more interesting identity for

your rich white ass by travelling with us
Just dont blame us if you come back and no one cares that you went to India
555 West Rich Lady Boulevard | EatPrayLoveLiedToYou.com | Desperatefornoteriety.com
APRIL 1 / 2011

THE GEORGIAN TAINT 7

MUSIC

Lemning gently strums her mandolin and gazes nostalgicly into the middle-distance.

Moonbeams and

warm sweaters
Quirky female singer-songwriter weaves gentle
harmonies about hiking, old pets and crocheting.

BY EL L E M AG EN TA

imee Lemning still isnt used to the

perks of fame, she admits, speaking to The Taint at her favourite
fair-trade cafe near her combination yoga studio and practice space. She cradles her almond chai latte, comped by an admiring barista.
Last year at this time I was waiting tables in a vegan cafe, she says. This year
Im still doing that, but now I have an early show at the Biltmore.
But the days of slinging brown rice burgers and bean salad may soon be behind
the Nelson native, whose latest EP, Moonbeams , is garnering critical attention.
Drawing comparisons to other female
singer-song w riters who enjoy t he outdoors and soft harmonies, Moonbeams
is Lemnings second effort. It has much
of the charm of Grandmothers Quilt , on
which she combined f lute, harpschicord
and f ive-string acoustic guitar to create
folksy, beguiling melodies reminiscent

of days spent crotcheting in a

rustic cabin.
In fact, thats where both records were recorded.
I li ke to get away to my
grandfathers cabin. He built
it over fifty years ago with his
own two hands for my grandmother, who gave me my love
of free-form verse. I find comfort in every
hand-hewn beam, said Lemning, gazing
wistfully into the middle distance at some
beautiful memory which mortals like us
cannot touch.
Does her connection to a place and a
way of life some find outdated limit Moonbeamss appeal? Not at all. Lemnings lyrics
are written with the everyman in mind and
honed at spoken word open-mics around
the city, explained Lemning, who f irst
came to songwriting after a fellow poet
suggested she combine her love of acoustic instruments with free verse.
Im a poet first of all, a songwriter second.
Just because I can play five different
stringed instruments doesnt mean Im a
musician. I believe in the healing power
of my shared experience, not just in the
beauty of soft harmonies.
As you might expect from a poet, Lemnings lyrics are fresh and inspiring. Natural
imagery springs lushly between every line

FILM NOTES >>>

MARGINAL INTERNATIONAL
FILM FEST COMES TO
VANCOUVER

Were gearing up for our fourth consecutive week of our coverage of the
Unwatchable South American Student Films Festival (USASFF). It has
been a banner year for this pioneering celebration of student filmmaking. A crowd of more than three film
journalists attended a plush opening
gala, and some screenings havehad
box office sales pushing well past
the half-dozen markeven without
counting the filmmakers and journalists from The Taint or other publications. However, last week, things got
a little heated at the Guyanan cinematographers round table when cinematographers from French Guyana
also showed up, leading to some
delays. Dont worry, USASFF-goers,
the festival is back on schedule and
stronger than ever.

THE GEORGIAN TAINT

APRIL 1 / 2011

of Somewhere Between Here and There (A

Hike I Went on). And Buddys Gone, an
ode to a beloved family pet, neuters its initial cliche with poignant observations about
the surprising places we feel loss: easing
into downward dog / I remember you beside me / and the hot room gets a chill.
Fans of Lemnings personal, introspective lyrics and autobiographical subjects
may get even more insight on Moonbeams .
Within the lilting melodies lies real heartbreak, as Lemning reveals in the cathartic third song, Cupcakes, the story of a
young womans sexual awakening.
Lemning wanted to move forward with
this EP, she explained, by sharing a more
personal story. Its not about revenge,
she protests, its about telling other people theyre not alone, that everyone goes
through hard times. And that then what
you need are homemade cupcakes, and
maybe a piano song.
Whats next on the menu for Vancouvers latest singing, song writing sensation? First, that early show, says Lemning,
twirling a lock of hair around one hennaed
finger. Then shell be taking on a whirlwind tour of open-mics and coffee shops
throughout the Lower Mainland, with a
possible trip to the island in the works
if my doggie hot yoga studio classes really take off.

> BY TIBERIUS TIG ER

Here is our fifth set of Taint review

capsules: this week the festival promises to focus on a deconstruction of
post-colonial binaries. Of course, this
column is sorely lacking in the space
USASFF deserves, so make sure you go
toTheTaintsweb site for exhaustive interviews, reviews, andpreviews.

VERDE DE CUATRO
Directed by Michelilla Correa
(Ecuador). Playing at Granville
13 on April 4.

In recent years, Ecuadorian

filmmakers have gained a
reputation for taking outdated beta
max equipment and spinning pure
velveteen delight. Director Michelilla Correa tickles audiences with a
subversive look at end-state capitalisms real colonial follies. Lovingly
crafted from found footage of Ecuadorian bathroom spy-cameras, this
is a must-see.

EL AGUA/PLAYA
Directed by Janis Manila (Brazil),
Cinematography by Ricardo
Monila (Brazil). Playing at
Cinemasnobtique on April 3.

Yes, its true, talking about the

Brazilian student film explosion
is so, I would say, 1998. But this film
reminded me of exactly why, in those
halcyon days, the Brazilian explosion
was being likened to the bygone era
of French New Wave. Cinematographer Ricardo Monila, now a veteran
of the unwatchable film festival circuit,
managed to secure a hefty budget of
nearly $100,000for this five-hour epic,
and it shows. Sprawling, breathtaking
footage of beaches, artistically sped
up and slowed down, will transport you
into a fabulist world of post-modern
phantasms. The screening will be followed up by a Q&A with Monila. Just
one complaint: whats with the periodic
and unnecessary interruptions from a

narrator? More than one journalist at

my screening had their nap interrupted.

ARAA
Directed by Mauricio Fank
(Dominican Republic). Playing at
the Normandy Theatre on April 2.

E.B. White tried to romance them.

Hollywood tried to vilify them. But
director Mauricio Frank tries to humanize spiders with this heart-warming story.
Without giving away too many spoilers,
Araa follows one mans awe-inspiring
journey as he wakes up to the sound
of his alarm, watches a spider climb up
a window sill, and then shoots himself.
Quite a stir was caused when USASFF
organizers announced they would be allowing the submission of student films
from the Caribbean. And although we
agree that every category you could
make up for films should have its own festival, USASFF has become much richer
for the inclusion of this masterpiece.

BY MIK E Y C OX

A provincial government report addressing the

growing wave of young, douchebaggish entrylevel and junior professionals has been leaked to
the public by a noted anti-yuppie activist. Speaking under condition of complete anonymity, the
informant said he grows tired of what he continues to experience.
Every time I see a dog the size of a football
wearing a sweater or mittens it reminds me of the
social injustices that these yuppies inflict on us
daily, said founder and sole member of the Coalition Against Understatedly Smug Citizens,

Anti-gentrification activists

say gentrification sucks

Patrick Douglas. I believe these people pose a
threat to Canadian cultural norms and might encourage behaviour like being the guy who double-parks his Saab just enough that you have to
parallel park between him and those goddamn
SmartCars jammed in the space it says no one is
supposed to park in anyways.
The study by the Vancouver Institute for the
Study of Demographic Distribution of Goal Driven Young and Middle Aged Adults was sent to the
informant by virtue of him getting accidentally CCed to their mailing list. It found there has
been a spike in men and women aged 26 to 39
who are aloof, subtly condescending shitheads in
frustratingly well-paying positions at white-collar firms who rise to their station through a calculated strategy of self-promotion and spanking
the corporate monkey.
They generally purchase wine recommended by obscure magazines devoted to the subject and have yearly incomes of $70,000 or more,

The presence of affordable housing in certain parts of Vancouver is of serious concern to many
gentriers, who seek to turn the city into a cultureless playground for the mega-rich.

intending to put something down on a place in

the near future thats tasteful but doesnt have to
be that big because its worth it for the short commute. Their emphasis on job title, career trajectory and who can outshine us peasants the most
has created a social phenomenon known as the
Lenscrafter Effect.
Theres been a definite increase in communities of people who dont mind fishing for the
nickel in the companys pocket, said VISDDGDYMAA spokesman Jeff Fitzgerald. Instead of
talking with people they perceive to be inferior to themselves, about something like the playoffs for example, they tend to speak in sarcastic
undercurrents about work-related topics which

confuse anyone who isnt a total dick. This speech

attracts equally pretentious colleagues and bosses
to cheese tastings and other crap at the persons
residence, after which they often move to similar
housing to appear as though they couldnt possibly be so childish as to engage in a who-has-abigger-house competition.
City legislators are currently reviewing
the Lenscrafter Protocol, a policy of zoning restrictions intended to prevent the urban build-up of those lecherous vocational
whores, which if passed could halt construction on more than a dozen Vancouver condominium projects, including the Sitka-Polygon
endeavour out at UBC.

JJ+P
Properties Trust LLC

VANCOUVER:

GET GENTRIFYING!

FINANCIAL AND REAL ESTATE SERVICES FOR

THE UNSCRUPULOUS. WHEN PETTY HUMAN
MORALITY GETs IN THE WAY, CALL JJ+P.

WWW.JJANDP.CA

604.555.5555

At JJ+P, were committed to one thing, and thats driving property prices through the roof and into the sky. If
youve got a project aimed at the mega rich and dont mind getting your hands dirty, were here to help.
JJ+P
APRIL 1 / 2011

THE GEORGIAN TAINT 9

I STALK YOU _

How else will you

let your beloved
know youve seen
them?

> Go on-line to read hundreds of I Stalk You posts or respond to a message <

PFFFFT.
I SAW A:
I AM A:
WHEN: MARCH 28, 2011
WHERE: SKYTRAIN
I saw you on the Skytrain
yesterday. No, not you, you sad
sack. No one sees you. You are
just an indiscriminate blob, a grey
mass toiling day in and day out in a
meaningless existence. No one will
be there to mourn you when you
die; your tombstone will crumble
into dust.

DONT LOOK
BEHIND YOU

LETS GET
PHYSICAL

I SAW A:
I AM A:
WHEN: MARCH 30, 2011
WHERE: UBC

I SAW A:
I AM A:
WHEN: MARCH 15, 2011
WHERE: DENMAN BIKE
SHOP

I see you in class every Tuesday

and Thursday. I creep you on
Facebook while staring at the back
of your head. I wait until you leave
so I can follow and walk close to
you in the hopes that youll talk to
me. I think youre perfect.

I WANT TO SEE
YOUR HOUSE

MAKIN ME BEG
I SAW A:
I AM A:
WHEN: MARCH 26, 2011
WHERE: VINE STREET
You were coming out of Capers in
your lululemon pants and hunter
boots. I just wanted to be that little
dog waiting for you outside the
store. Take me home and make me
beg for treats. Woof.

WHO WAS THAT

WOMAN, OH GOD

I SAW A:
I AM A:
WHEN: MARCH 6, 2011
WHERE: THE PARK
You: hipster father at Carnarvon
Park with two young boys. I didnt
see a ring. I can cook and clean and
make after school snacks. Im very
nurturing. Id be a great mother.
Boys need a mother.

HELLO THERE,
SIR

I SAW A:
I AM A:
WHEN: MARCH 17, 2011
WHERE: NEAR GRANVILLE
You were driving in a car that costs
more than a Yaletown condo. I
dont know if you saw me. I was
on the 17 Downtown with my face
pressed against the window,
staring at your brface. Your
beautiful, bouncy br face. You
may have noticed my blond hair or
the slightly crazed look in my eyes.
God, I want to bone you.

I SAW A:
I AM A:
WHEN: MARCH 2, 1500
WHERE: BILTMORE CABARET
We made eye contact at the
Biltmore on Saturday. I liked the
way you were noncommittally
bobbing your head. You said
you liked my ironic moustache
and side bag. We both know the
same weird band. I think were
soul mates.

I bought a bike from your store

because you told me I looked
cute riding it. I told you Im a yoga
instructor, mostly so youd know
how flexible I am. Think of how
perfect our yoga-doing, bike-riding
children would be for this city. Best
$300 Ive ever spent.

HELLO
I SAW A:
I AM A:
WHEN: MARCH 4, 2011
WHERE: YOU KNOW WHERE
Im watching you.

WHAT THE
HELL ARE YOU
STARING AT
I SAW A:
I AM A:
WHEN: MARCH 22, 2011
WHERE: EVERY BUS I
TAKE
To the man on the 99: I cant
figure out if you remind me more
of Hannibal Lector or a member of
the Manson Family. Stop staring
at me. Im only looking over at you
because I know that youre looking
at me. I am not attracted to your ZZ
Top beard or long fingernails and
that gap-toothed smile isnt working
for you either. Please stop staring.
You smell like an old onion bun.

IM HUNGRY NOW

WHY, LADY? WHY?

I SAW A:
I AM A:
WHEN: MARCH 2, 2011
WHERE: CHANNEL 57

I SAW A:
I AM A:
WHEN: MARCH 7, 2011
WHERE: OUTSIDE SCOTIABANK THEATRE

You were in a commercial selling

Keeblers Vienna Fingers. You were
the smiling brunette with a nice
lace shirt telling me about all the
deliciousness contained in one of
those cookies. I fell in love with you
at first sight. My diabetes will not
stand in the way of our saccharine
and slightly crumbly affair!

TO THE FINE
SPECIMEN IN
THE WOODS
I SAW A:
I AM A:
WHEN: SAMHAIN NIGHT,
DURING THE FULL MOON
WHERE: FOREST OF ARDEN
I saw you walking next to a ring of
mushrooms I am convinced is a
fairy circle. I was about to tell you to
watch out lest you crush the homes
of the fairies but then you struck me
with your piercing blue eyes. Lets
get together sometime, strip down
to our naked forms and make some
magic.

HERCULES
I SAW A:
I AM A:
WHEN: MARCH 13, 2011
WHERE: GOLDS GYM
You were lifting 70kg weights. I
was lifting a bag of chips out of the
vending machine. I think you know
where Im going with this.

You were wearing a silver fox fur

coat. It actually horrified me. I
mean, you were gorgeous, but I
was mainly staring in horror at the
dead foxs face draped over your
shoulder. It just... it broke my heart.
You cruel, cruel, beautiful woman.

TO THE WINDOW
SMASHER
I SAW A:
I AM A:
WHEN: MARCH 2, 1500
WHERE: DOWNTOWN
You were throwing stones at a
window. I think you were probably
wasted. You actually broke my
office window, but its okay because
I also believe you were nude while
you were throwing stones. You can
totally make up for it with dinner.
Also, you still have to be nude while
you make up for it.

WHERES MY
CHANGE?
I SAW A:
I AM A:
WHEN: MARCH 2, 1500
WHERE: THE HOLE
You always order an espresso with
a side of biscotti at the Starbucks.
You were 20 cents short last time
you paid. I need those 20 cents to
create my large artwork of a canvas
covered in dimes, you dick.

Desperate/think youre funny? Go to taint.com to post your FREE I Stalk You _

Feeling frisky? Try this

young colt on for size.
und

red pe

MENS GYM, SAUNA & BATHS

r
nt

One

ce

STEAMY TIMES

TUSCAN
Q

I
FRU

N
VE

OR!

Fr

uit

Vendo

How do you like

them apples?
ADMIT IT, THIS PHOTO

(604-822-2301)

b
10

e
THE GEORGIAN TAINT

b
APRIL 1 / 2011

Call 003-333-3333
* Bananas not included in service.

MAKES YOU SLIGHTLY

UNCOMFORTABLE
THEYRE JUST STARING AT EACH OTHER

203 GLADIATOR ST.

VANCOUVER 604.822.2301

brutal love

SEX
Now that weve got your attention, buy fresh fruit!
604.555.6666

> BY D O N BRU TA L

Dear Don,
I have recently started dating a new guy
and the sex is (mostly) great. Were both
into some BDSM style role play, and he
is the dominant. My only concern is his
inexplicable interest in role play associated with military imagery. He prefers
to wear camouflage clothing when we
have sex and often shouts, while ejaculating, We know everything! were
invading!
I dont know what this phrase means,
but because Im a progressive and a pacifist, I find it offensive.Ive asked him
to put a cap on the captain talk, but he
says he can only get off while mumbling
to himself about military maneuvers.
I want some enjoyment without the
deployment. I want to be cum-at without all the combat. Cant I have my legs
splayed without talk of grenades? Please
Don, I need a Brutal intervention.
Concerned Army Masochism is
Off-putting (CAMO)
Dear Don,
Ive been dating this really amazing girl for the past little while. The
sex is fairly decent, but she doesnt
seem to have the same interests as
me. Im a big military buff and can
quote Apocalypse Now, Full Metal
Jacket and M*A*S*H line-by-line.

And although I prefer to begin most

coital encounters with famous military speeches (the Gettysberg Address
is a personal favourite) and end them
with a 21-gun salute, my lady friend
seems to be less than enthusiastic
about my drilling drills. So Ive settled for merely wearing my fatigues
and only occasionally discussing military strategy during the act. But even
these concessions havent made my
ambrosial assaults any more appealing to my skirmishing skirt. How can
I convince her to let me make a full
frontal assault?

EROTIC FRUIT
CHAT

APPLES
PEARS
PENI...PINEAPPLES. YEAH
PINEAPPLES

Connect with hot

young fruit enthusiasts
Always free to try

FRUITFUCKER.CA

Get lai...er uh enjoy

fresh fruit tonight!

FRESH SLICED
C A N TA L O U P E

Mouth-watering.
Call or text 604.555.4444
Safe and sexy

Already Ready for Military Yahoos

CAMO and ARMY,
Perhaps you guys need to make a tactical withdrawal for a time. ARMY, lay
off the sensual soldiering and enter
into some serious negotiations with
CAMO. Some borders are sure to be
redrawn, but dont think of it as total surrendermerely a ceasefire.
Agree to doing it missionary for the
time being (just close your eyes and
think of it as doing push-ups during
basic training) while CAMO gets used
to the idea of fucking under fire. And
maybe with a little bit of time and
some give and take, you two will be
able to recreate your own little erotic version of War and Peace.

REAL PEOPLE

GIANT COCONUTS
$100

23, Brown hair, plenty of

milk to go around. Open to
BDSM.
604-555-5555
EXOTIC GUAVA
Very obedient, will melt
in your mouth. TS.
604-555-5555

Wendy

604.456.7890

ANY TIME... DAY OR NIGHT

I will peel my bananas for you.
778-555-5555

PLUMP GRAPEFRUIT
Will barely fit in your hands.
Only 19... days old.

BIG BOUNCING
AVOCADOS

Just the right amount of

softness to the touch. Discreet Langley location.
778-555-5555
Mon-Thurs, 10am-7pm

KIWI FRUIT

604-123-4567

Hey, at least its better than Aussie fruit

Ask for Ruby.

778-555-5555

A SECTION FOR THE LEGAL AND WHOLESOME SALE OF PRODUCE. CERTAINLY NO SEX BEING SOLD HERE!

NEW ARRIVAL!

Fresh shipment of Asian

juicy plums! Richmond.

778-555-5555

A Japanese Beauty!
Young, full-bodied Persimmon, available for play or
immediate consumption.

778-555-5555

A dude will answer. Fri-Sun, 10PM3AM. Mon-Thurs, 10AM-5pm

PLUMP PUMPKIN WANTS

YOUR TUBER
604.888.8888

CALL CHERRY

WONT SPIT OUT YOUR PIT.

778.888.9880

PAPAYA

Is a very tasty fruit. Want to

talk about it? Im not wearing anything. We can also talk
about vegetables if you want.

606-555-5555

STILL LIFE
QUALITY

Very attractive mixed fruit.

Would look great in bowl.

606-555-5555

MANDARIN ORANGE

Fresh, tasty, flexible. Model

quality.
778-555-5555

G
R

Young, smoking hot

Jalapenos
Fiery, open-minded, clean.
HOT HOT HOT! Brilliant
complexion
604-555-5555

A
P
E

FIRM BODIED

Bellisimo
Mature encounters

604.999.0000
3 locations to serve you

Totally bangin lime, open

to peeling, comes with toys.

604-777-777

604.555.5555

SAFE, DISCREET AND PROFESSIONAL

GR

S
E
P
A
1
2 for

Oh no!
Has the singles scene got you
squeezing your own oranges?
It doesnt have to be this way!

JUICEIT.CA
604.555.5555

YOUNGBUCKSFRUIT.CA

Bananas peeled
Grapefruits squeezed
Apples cored (???)

JUICEIT.CA
APRIL 1 / 2011

THE GEORGIAN TAINT 11

THE AVIARY UPSCALE LIVING FOR THE NOUVEAU RICHE

ITS A BIG TALL

BUILDING.
YOU CAN LIVE IN PART OF IT FOR A LOT OF
MONEY.

PHONE 604.555.5544 TODAY

OWNERSHIP STARTS AT
$467,000
MAYBE YOU INVENTED AN iPHONE APPLICATION THAT
CALCULATES TIPS OR EARNED 1.5 MILLION PLAYING
ONLINE POKER. POINT IS, YOURE YOUNG AND HAVE
MORE MONEY THAN YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH.
MAKE THE AVIARY YOUR FIRST CONDO. WERE HERE
TO HELP. AND REMEMBER, THE HOUSING BUBBLE WILL
NEVER BURST IN VANCOUVER. EVER.

THE AVIARY IN YALETOWN

UPSCALE LIVING FOR THE NOUVEAU RICHE
12

THE GEORGIAN TAINT

APRIL 1 / 2011