Down the Drain

Committed to keeping you informed!

March 2015

And still only

Volume 3 Issue 2 Whole Number 26

Down the Drain reporter

on the run!
By Marlow Archer
Ace Crime Beat Reporter
Down the Drains own
Ace Rumor Monger, Bella
Donna Lovelace, is on the
run after a certain female
Pentagon
Plumbing
employee said she would
kick Ms. Lovelace in her
skinny shins if she ever
had the chance.
The controversy erupted
after an article in last
months Down the Drain
headlined Is that love in
the air, or is the trashcan
on fire again?
The female employee of
Pentagon Plumbing whose
name (or even initials) we
are enjoined from printing
by a court order, was
upset that certain more or
less private thoughts she
expressed
about
a
particularly
handsome
male individual somehow
found their way into print.
When I find out the
source of the leak, the
Pentagon
Plumbing
employee said, Im going
to kick that person in the
shins, too!
When Lovelace, who
typically works at home in
hair
curlers
and
a
bathrobe, failed to file her
story for this months

edition of Down the

Drain, and who also failed
to answer her phone or
respond
to
emails,
concerned friends and
fellow employees went to
her downtown bungalow

the home of her mother

with a key to the front
door.
Upon entering the home
it was clear that Lovelace
had packed quickly and
left the premises.

The Down the Drain story that started it all.

to check on her.
When there was no
answer at the door,
Lovelaces only daughter,
Bella Donna Lovelace III,
was
contacted
and
immediately responded to

A single hair curler was

found near the front door,
and a note taped to the
screen of her computer
stated
simply
that
Lovelace was in fear for
her shins and that no

one should attempt to

locate me, as I will be out
of the country and
completely untraceable.
However, when paged at
McCarran
International
Airport, where she was
apparently waiting for a
flight
to
Vanuatu,
Lovelace
promptly
answered on a house
phone.
I cant live with the
threat of being kicked in
the shins, she told her
colleague and longtime
friend, Down the Drain
society page editor Alice
Hashtag.
It was a perfectly good
piece,
Lovelace
continued. I had multiple
sources who would neither
confirm nor deny the
story. What else could I
do but go with the story? I
had no idea the reaction to
the piece would be so
strong.
Despite pleas from her
friend, Lovelace refused
to return to work or to her
home, and so far as is
known at this time she is
now in Vanuatu where she
is reported to be wearing
shin guards at all times
and has requested local
police protection.

INSIDE
THIS ISSUE

TUNE YOUR TUBA

LIKE A PRO
THREE EASY STEPS!

WHAT THE EASTER

BUNNY DOES ON HIS
DOWN TIME HIS
SECRET LIFE
REVEALED AT LAST!

THE DAY

INVADED THE

VEEPS OFFICE
AND WHY THEY
LEFT SO QUICKLY!

THE PTERODACTYLS
OF TIERRA DEL
FUEGO WHAT
NEW EVIDENCE
REVEALS!

ALL THIS AND MORE!

RIGHT HERE! RIGHT
NOW! IN THIS
MONTHS EDITION
OF DOWN THE
DRAIN!

But seriously, folks,

North Korea mistranslates Uniform Plumbing Code

PYONGYANG - In their
continuing efforts to steal
whatever they can from
the West, the North
Korean government
recently published their
Official Kim Jong Un
Approved version of the
Uniform Plumbing Code.
From the cover to the
index, from the title page
to the internal layout, the
North Korean publication
is a clear attempt to
duplicate the Uniform
Plumbing Code published
by the International
Association of Plumbing
and
Mechanical
Contractors.
U n f o r t u n a t e l y, t h e
translation leaves a bit to
be desired.
According to the native
Korean speaker who
brought this matter to our

attention, there are

h u n d r e d s
o f
mistranslations from
English into Korean in the
text.
In the section on Water
Supply and Distribution,

for example, the sentence

Faucets and diverters
shall be connected to the
water distribution system
so that hot water
corresponds to the left
side of the fittings was

ALIENS

translated as The rodent

must be denied access to
the pipes if not properly
provided with leftist
fittings.
Continued on page 2

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The Fine Print (Our lawyers made us write this. Honest!)
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with any other offers or discounts or promotions. This
coupon is not valid on calls for estimates or evaluations.
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one coupon per customer, please. This coupon expires
3-31-2015. Pentagon Plumbing NV License #58722.

And so much
more!
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Pentagon Plumbing, Inc. 5125 W. Oquendo Rd., Suite #5, Las Vegas, NV 89118
Tel: (702) 876-5969 Fax: (702) 876-0937
email: service@pentagonplumbingnv.com
NV License #58722
Dakota Johnson! Dakota Johnson! Dakota Johnson!

Call us today!
876-5969

Down the Drain, March 2015

Page 2

Adventures, letters,
A life in the
day of a
plumber
By CHIP CARPENTER
Ace Master Plumber

L a s t M o nt h : C h i p
discovers that Madam
Blovotskys house has
disappeared.
No sooner had I realized
my ectoplasm problem
had been solved when I
also realized I wasnt
being very sympathetic to
Madam Blovotsky and
that I was going to have to
bill her for my time
anyway.
Just as I was trying to
figure out how to do both
of those things, my phone
rang.
This is Chip, I said.
Eh, eh, eh, said the
voice on the other end.
Oh, no, I mumbled to
myself. I recognized that
voice.
It was Vinnie Lumbago.
Dont tell me, I said.
You did it.
Thats right, said
Vinnie. You tell
Marigold Im holding her
house hostage until she
pays Sammy the Shark
what she owes him.
Marigold? I asked.
Yeah, said Vinnie.
Marigold. Thats her
name, yknow. Marigold
Smith.
Uh, no, I said. I
didnt know.
That whole Madam
Blovotsky things just a
scam, Vinnie said. I
figured a smart guy like
you would have figured
that out by now.
Dummy. And then he
chuckled again.
I didnt know what to
say to that.
So anyway, said
V i n ni e , D o wn t o
business. Tell Marigold
she still owes Sammy the
fifty large and he wants it
pronto. Plus the vig,
natch.
NO! I shouted into the
phone. NO! I dont want
any part of this!
Too bad, said Vinnie.
Youre already a part of
it. Then he laughed
again.
To be continued...

advice and more!

Weather alert

Your opinion counts!

Letters to the Editor

To the Editor:
I just want you to know
that I was deeply offended
by your lead article (Is
that love in the air, or is
the trash can on fire
again?) in last months
issue.
Ones
private
expressions of admiration
for another should not be
paraded in front of the
world, and I think it
irresponsible of your
reporter, Bella Donna
Lovelace, to write about
such private musings

without attempting to
interview the subject of
the article.
If I ever find Ms.
Lovelace, I will kick her
in her skinny shins!
Name withheld by request
(and court order)
To the Editor:
I rise to the defense of
the young woman who
was so mercilessly
mocked on the front page
of your publication last
month. (Is that love in
the air, or is the trash can

on fire again?)
Seems to me no real
gentleman, such as you
are alleged to be, Mr.
Editor, would print such
an offensive article.
How would you like it if
your most heartfelt
thoughts were spread all
over the front page of
some newsletter for
everyone to read about?
Or do you even have
heartfelt thoughts?
I just dont get it.
Skoof Whiffletree,
Bunkerville, Nevada

Comforting the wet and miserable

Ask the Umbrella

Dear Umbrella,
I am definitely wet and
miserable. I hope you can
help.
I guess my water heater
has quit working, because
when I went to take a
shower this morning,
nothing but cold water
came out! Talk about a
rude awakening!

And then when my

girlfriend found I had no
hot water, she left me! I
dont know what to do!
Wet and miserable
In Henderson
Dear Wet and Miserable
in Henderson,
The first thing you
should do is call Pentagon

Plumbing and get a free,

no obligation quote for
repairing or replacing your
water heater.
As for your girlfriend,
Im afraid we really cant
help you there. But maybe
when you have hot water
again shell decide to
come back to you.
Good luck!

Melanies annual 29th birthday celebration to be a quiet

family affair
Much to the chagrin of
her millions of fans, a
family spokesperson
announced last week that
this years celebration of
Melanies annual 29th
birthday will once again
not be open to the public.
The family wants to
mark this milestone in a
quiet, dignified and
private manner, the
spokesperson said.

However,
the
spokesperson added,
Recognizing how much
Melanie values her fans
and followers, most of the
celebration will be
streamed live on the web
so that others may enjoy
the celebration, too.
This years birthday cake
will reportedly be a 29layer chocolate cake with
pink frosting, the sides of

each layer decorated with

dark pink rosettes. Several
strawberries will be
randomly placed on the
cake to enhance its
presentation.
There will be no candles
on the cake.
As always, a piece of the
birthday cake will be sent
to the Smithsonian
Institute for preservation
and safekeeping.

North Korea mistranslates Uniform Plumbing Code

Continued from page 1
According to our native
Korean speaker, who
compiled an extensive list
of blunders for Down the
Drain, another example of
mistranslation occurs with
the sentence Joints shall
b e
t i g h t e n e d
approximately 1-1/2 turns
past hand tight, which the

North Koreans rendered as

All tight workers of pipes
shall wear sturdy socialist
underwear joints at least
1-1/2 days a week.
Our translator also noted
that many common nouns
in the North Korean
version of the Uniform
Plumbing Code have been

replaced with the words

funny haircut and that
many verbs have been
replaced with the phrase
walks like a cow.
What action, if any,
IAPMO will take is not
known at this time. Calls
to their office were not
returned.

The United Nations

Weather Service has
issued a severe storm
warning for somewhere
in the world in the next
week or so.
The alert advised all
those who are in the
affected area to look
outside to see if a severe
storm is coming. If so, all
individuals who see a
storm coming are advised
to seek immediate shelter.
No further details were
available at press time, but
the UNWS said it will
release updates as more
information becomes
available.
Pentagon Plumbing is
proud to be certified by
the American
Certification Association
and its Family of
Companies

Down the Drain

is owned, operated,
imagined, inspired,
created, written,
produced, published and
copyrighted 2014 by
Pentagon Plumbing, Inc.
However, permission is
granted by Pentagon
Plumbing, Inc. to
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of course, service
requests, call, write or
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subscription list.
5125 W. Oquendo Rd.,
Suite #5, Las Vegas, NV
89118
Tel: (702) 876-5969
Fax: (702) 876-0937
email: service@
pentagonplumbingnv.com

Down the Drain

Is published by Pentagon Plumbing, Inc.
Editor-in-chief Do we have one of those?
Copy Editor Carmel Comma Sutra
Assignment Editor Gowanna Getouttahere
Society Page Editor Alice Hashtag
Travel and Leisure Editor Reginald Phipps
Fact Checker Al Gore
Additional Fact Fabrication and Verification by
The Group for the Advanced Study of
Statistical Oddities, Irregularities, Anomalies
and Impossibilities
Business Reporter Yale Princeton
Construction and Building Correspondent
Roger Red Tag
Crime Beat Reporter Marlow Archer
Environmental Correspondent
Washoe Evergreen
Fine Arts Correspondent Venetia Impasto
Food Critic Candy Pye
Gossip Columnist Bella Donna Lovelace

History Correspondent Marcus Aurelius Tacitus

International Affairs Correspondent
Mac The Knife Machiavelli
Investigative Reporter Doug Deeply
Legal Correspondent Blackwell Coke
Media Correspondent Tweety Byrd
Medical Correspondent Sue Tchurme
National Affairs Correspondent Brinkley Huntly
National Affairs Reporter Homer Bogart
Science Correspondent Abigail Sciuto, Jr.
Fashion Advisor The Gaga
Relationship Advisor Taylor Swift
Spiritual Advisor The Ghost of Groucho Marx
In-House Therapist Lady Heather
Photo Editing by
The Cutting Edge Scissors Company and
Elwoods All-Purpose Glue

Rehabilitation Services Provided by

The Rehab, Relapse and Rehab Group of
Wickenburg, Arizona
Leftovers Provided by
Moms 24 Hour Diner and Ping Pong Emporium
Demolitions Consultant Candy Pye
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Jewelry by Jodie
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Hair by Mr. Clean
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The Cats Meow Veterinary Clinic
Musical Soundtrack by
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The Pretty Reckless
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Strawberry Switchblade

Happy birthday to Scott! Happy birthday to Scott. Happy birthday dear Scott! Happy birthday to youuuuuuuuuuuuuu !