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5-PARAGRAPHITIS
I3Bc: Intro 3-Body Conclusion
Jake Sigmond
WRIT 1122: Rhetoric and Academic Writing
Professor David Daniels
The piece you are about to read was our final assignment in WRIT 1122. David Daniels, my
professor, believes assignment guidelines should be flexible, allowing students to take various approaches and create unique writing. Our assignment was to write a paper that supported or refuted the structure and teaching methods of the 5-paragraph essay. Throughout
middle and high school, I was forced to write these essays once a week, and my experience
learning the 5-paragraph essay was not a pleasant one. Given the opportunity to voice my
opinion, I decided against the 5-paragraph essay format and treated it as a disease. Its only
appropriate, then, that my paper offers an antidote to this disease and mimicks a self-diagnostic website. This piece is designed to poke fun at the 5-paragraph essay, while also communicating my point about the restrictive format. I hope you enjoy it.
Mystery Medical
CAUTION
5-Paragraphitis (I3BC) is a common and highly contagious illness. If you or a loved one shows symptoms of
5-Paragraphitis (I3BC), seek immediate help from a writing professor, trained writing tutor, or your local
campus Writing Center. Just DO NOT ask your high school teacher.
QUICK DIAGNOSIS
Please read the paragraphs below and choose the one that seems most effective to you. Both discuss
the importance of a tree.
Paragraph 1:
As citizens of the United States, we need to promote the conservation and protection of trees for
three reasons. First, trees consume carbon dioxide (CO2) from the atmosphere, which is a waste
product of our respiration and industrial power plants. Second, trees and other plants are food for
many animals in the ecosystem, which factor into our food chain. Last, trees make the world a
beautiful place. Given these three qualities, it is only common sense that we strive to conserve and
protect all forms of trees.
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jannoon028 /
Shutterstock.com
Paragraph 2:
What dont I like about trees? Well, I love sitting under them on a calm, blissful spring evening,
when the fireflies flutter around the lake. I enjoy the marvelous colors that trees fill the world with
come fall. Sometimes, Ill find a fairly large spruce tree and take a leisurely climb to the top to peer
over the valley. Interestingly, I found out in 4th grade that trees produce oxygen for me to breathe,
so I can keep going about my daily activities. In fact, there isnt anything I dislike about trees. I
agree with the poet Joyce Kilmer, who once wrote, I THINK that I shall never see / A poem
lovely as a tree. What would we do without them?
Which paragraph did you find more appealing?
Which paragraph would you prefer to read?
Which paragraph have you been trained to write?
If your answer to any of these questions was Paragraph 1, you might be suffering from
5-Paragraphitis (I3BC).
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Jake Sigmond /
LP Picard
about
the
snow-covered
he missed the beaming summer days relaxing next to a lake. Other than activities in the mountains, Jake enjoys fishing,
basketball, tennis, cooking, and listening
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Steven Depolo
https://www.flickr.com/photos/stevendepolo/13573279835
One of the most important steps for getting rid of the disease is to open up and embrace the fear
of unknown writing. Practice writing in real-world genres. Do not restrict your mind. Unlock the
vaults of creativity, tame the dragon, and release the great thoughts kept dormant from the disease.
Sometimes, the best arguments do not follow standardized forms. Do not be afraid of defeat either.
While trying to get rid of the disease, expect to go through 5-paragraph essay withdrawal. During the
battle you will experience breakdowns, but these breakdowns are crucial for your writing to improve.
Good Luck. Help end 5-Paragraphitis (I3BC)!
WORKS CITED
1. Brannon, Lil, Jennifer Courtney, Cynthia P. Urbanski, Shana V. Woodward, and Jeanie Reynolds. The Five-Paragraph Essay and the Deficit Model of Education. English Journal 98.2 (2008): 1621.
2. Tremmel, Michelle. What to Make of the Five-Paragraph Theme: History of the Genre and Implications.
TETYC (2011): 2942. Web.
VOLUME 4
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