The North American Society of Adlerian Psychology

53rd Annual Conference Tucson 2005

Celebrating Healthy Communities

Teaching about
Power with
Parents of Teens
Gary and Mary Hughes

Enrich-Abilities, inc. Certified Positive Discipline Associates (CPDA)

Omaha, Nebraska
402-291-2280
enrich3726@aol.com

www.posdis.org (non-profit organization answering questions

for teachers and parents; training and support)
www.positivediscipline.com (ordering books and training
materials; to contact Jane Nelsen)
mhughes@iastate.edu Mary L. Hughes Family Life Field Specialist
(Marys Iowa State University Extension e-mail;
phone #: 712-366-7070; website www.extension.iastate.edu/families/ )

Description of Session:

June 18, 2005

Saturday: 10:15-11:05 am

Through interactive, experiential activities that teach the heart as well as the
mind, participants will better understand the developmental reasons why
power struggles so quickly arise between parents/teens. Ways to empower
the parent and the teen will be experienced, explored, and discussed. You
will leave with new teaching tools for your parents-of-teens sessions.

Educational Objectives:
Participants will learn how:
1. the typical adult response to youth who seek belonging and connection
through power struggles only heightens the misbehavior and distorts the
parent/teen relationship.
2. adults (parents and other adults who work with teens) can empower
themselves AND the teens without power struggles; and , more
importantly, without losing authority.

Session Format:
Warm-up Activity:
The Fist (Teaching Parenting Facilitators Guide, warm-up suggestions, pg.37, #2
Experiential Exercises:
Whos Got the P-O-W-E-R!
Empowering vs. Enabling (See note on Pg.

Of this packet

Closing Activity:
No Training Wheels Needed? (TP Facilitators Guide, pg. 79 Continuum of Change)
Yurt (contact the Hughes or purchase an audio tape of the session/NASAP 2005, Tuscan)
Support Handouts (in Acrobat Reader):
Problem-Solving with shared power: Pgs. 119-132, Working Draft of Positive Discipline
Parenting Workbook, Jody McVittie and Barbara Kinney. Used with permission of authors for this
2005 NASAP Conference. To reprint, permission needs to be given from Jody or Barbara @
jmcvittie@att.net or bkinney@ulster.net

Teen Power Demonstration Whos Got the Power?

from watching a Lynn Lott Video
1. Ask for a volunteer to play a teen (or any age child).
2. Hold out a pen and say to the teen, "This pen represents your power. Do you want it?"
3. When the teen starts to take the pen pull it back and say, "I don't know. Do you think
you are ready?"
4. Whatever the teen says, start to give him or her pen, but then pull it back again and say,
"But, what if you make a mistake?"
5. Continue this back and for saying things like, "I'm not sure I can trust you?" "I don't know.
Remember that really stupid thing you did last time?" "Even if I trust you, I'm not sure I can
trust your friends." Etc.
Optional: Sometimes, after step 5, I let the "teen" volunteer have the "power" for a few
seconds and then I take it back and say: "That's enough for now." It usually brings up an
interesting reaction, and later insights, from the "teen" volunteer.
6. Once you think the point has been made process with the teen by asking what are you
feeling, thinking, deciding about yourself and what you will do? Process the same way with
the parent.
7. Ask the group what insights they had from watching this demonstration.
Process Questions for this activity might include:
If you don't "give" power to your teens, how to they "take" it - openly or by going
"underground"?
How well will your children be prepared to use their personal power when they leave home
and you have no more control?

From: CPDA TRAINING MANUAL

www.posdis.org 1 - 866 -POS - DISC
Section 8.5.32 June 2003 Contributed by Jane Nelsen
For permission to reprint, please contact Mary L. Hughes, CPDA/Lead Trainer @
enrich3726@aol.com

* Sample Empowering Responses

__________________________________________________________
A child who has not done his/her homework is role played this person goes first to 4-5
parents who enable the child to continue misbehaving, though that is not the parents actual
intention (these responses need no script as this is a very common reaction to a child who
doesnt do homework); then, the child visits parents who have been to a parenting class and
have learned how to empower their child. The following statements are designed to teach the
parent through a role play demonstration the difference for both parents/children when
parents empower their children to feel capable and competent enough to get the job done!

__________________________________________________________
The directions for doing this activity are in the Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline
Way Facilitators Guide, pg. 236-7 and Positive Discipline in the Classroom Teachers
Guide, pg. 70-71 by Jane Nelson and Lynn Lott, available for purchase @ our website at
www.positivediscipline.com For more information on training, speakers, and the on-line
Question/Answer service, please visit www.posdis.org

The Child says I havent done my homework. The Parent responds:

1. SHOWING FAITH: I have faith in you. I trust you to figure out what you
need. I know that when its important to you, youll know what to do.
2. RESPECTING PRIVACY: I respect your privacy and want you to know
Im available if you want to discuss this with me.
3. EXPRESSING YOUR LIMITS: Im not willing to bail you out with your
teacher. If your teacher wants more information, the three of us can get
together to discuss the situation. Ill be there while you explain. (A
respectful attitude and tone of voice is essential.)
4. LISTEN WITHOUT FIXING OR JUDGING: I would like to listen to what
this means for you.
5. CONTROLLING YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR: If you need my help with
your homework, please let me know in advance
6. LETTING GO OF THEIR ISSUES: I hope youll go to college, but Im
not sure its important to you.
7. AGREEMENT (NOT RULES): Could we sit down and see if we can
work on a plan regarding homework that we both can live with?

8. LOVING AND ENCOURAGING: I like you just the way you are and
respect you to choose what is right for you.
9. ASKING FOR HELP: I need your help. Can you explain to me why it
isnt important to you to do your homework?
10. SHARE YOUR FEELINGS: Share your truth by using a statement such
as this: I feel ________about/when __________ because _________ and
I wish ________. Share, without expecting the other person to feel the
same or grant your wish. (This is a great model for children to
acknowledge their feelings and wishes without expectations.) I feel
upset when you dont do your homework because I value education so
much and think it could be very beneficial to you in your life, and I really
wish you would do it.
11. JOINT PROBLEM SOLVING: What is your picture of what is going on
regarding your homework? Would you be willing to hear my concerns?
Could we brainstorm together on possible solutions? What is your plan?
is also a way to express your curiosity about how the child will take care of
the problem.
12. RESPECTFUL COMMUNICATION: Im feeling too upset to talk about
this right now. Lets put it on the agenda for the family meeting so we can
talk about it when Im not so emotional.
13. INFORMATION (INSTEAD OF ORDERS): I notice you spend a lot of
time looking out the window and talking during the time you have set aside
for homework or I notice you often leave your homework until the last
minute and then feel discouraged about getting it done.

_________________________________________________________________________________
Note: These empowering statements and actions may not seem as powerful as they are to
teachers or parents who are more used to the short-range outcomes of controlling, rescuing
or abandoning. These statements and action turn over control to our youth so they have
power over their own lives. The difficult part of this for adults is that empowerment often
leads to mistakes and failure on the part of the youth. It is only when we understand that
learning from mistakes and failure is an important part of a successful life process that we will
also understand the importance of using these empowering statements and actions.