Wombtwin survivors:

an introduction

Althea Hayton
 Published by Wren Publications 2005

P.O. Box 396, St Albans Herts, AL3 6NE, England

Published as an e-book 2005 by kind permisssion of The Fellowship of Artists and Writers

www.compassion-in-business.co.uk

©Althea Hayton 2005

No part of this book may be transmitted or reproduced in any way, electronic or otherwise
without the express permission of the author.
 Wombtwin survivors: an introduction
Wombtwin survivors
Wombtwin survivors are the sole survivors of a twin or multiple pregnancy.
Statistical analysis of various studies of twin pregnancies has revealed an
astonishing statistic: for every twin or multiple birth, six wombtwin survivors
are born.*
It seems that most of this loss takes place before 10 weeks of pregnancy:
in other words, before your mother was sure she was pregnant with you, she
had lost a son or a daughter that she never knew, and you had lost a brother or a
sister.
Three major groups
Wombtwin survivors vary in how they feel about themselves according to the
details of what actually happened to them in the womb.
Identical wombtwin survivors
Two identical twins developed from the same fertilised egg. One of them died
and the other one was born alone.
Fraternal wombtwin survivors
Two eggs were fertilized in the same month and both of them began to develop
into embryos, but one of them died and the other was born alone.
Multiple wombtwin survivors
More than two embryos were alive in the womb at the same time. At least one
died, leaving the remaining embryos alive. All of these are wombtwin survivors.
In this case the missing embryos may be either fraternal or identical twins or
may be a complete identical twin pair.
A deep impression
The question is: do you carry any kind of impression of this tiny missing person?
My research seems to indicate that you do. It seems that an imprint of the
company you kept in the womb does remain, deeply rooted in the most primitive
part of your brain. I have called this vague and ineffable impression “The
Dream of the Womb.” This is a lost memory, not a dream, but is the only way I
can think of to describe what obviously lies beyond words.
In four years of research with wombtwin survivors I have discovered
that this impression is not in fact as vague as it may appear at first. By taking
seriously the possibility that we all carry an impression of life in the womb, I
have discovered that this imprint is a remarkably accurate picture. Wombtwin
survivors spend their live constantly re-enacting their Dream of the Womb.
Nothing is more important to them than that.
The Dream of the Womb
This is a strange place. It seems to be at the very back of your mind, as deep and
primitive as can be, yet at the same time it is just behind your eyes and creates
a kind of prism through which you see the world and everything in it. It is a
memory of long ago, yet it seems to be happening right now. It is a story about
loss and being terribly alone deep inside, yet it is also a tale of love and intense
happiness, once known but now lost.
This impression of Someone Else There, and also of Someone Else Gone
away, is a terrible muddle. When you were an embryo, less than the size of
a kidney bean and floating in half a wineglassful of amnotic fluid, you had a
functioning brain but it was very primitive indeed. All you were capable of was
a generalized vague awareness of your own sensations and events going on,
without any clear idea of which was which.
It is important at this stage to recognise three characteristics of the Dream
of the Womb that will help you to eventually discover and understand your own.
Without that understanding you wonʼt experience the healing, for the healing
takes place by means of understanding the reality of the original events.
1. Everyone who has ever been in the womb has a Dream of the Womb. For
wombtwin survivors there was Someone Else there in the Dream, but for the
rest of the population there was not. That is what makes you different from other
people.
2. The Dream is a real memory of real events. It is a true story. Your Dream
has in it certain general vague characteristics that reflect the original general
vaguness of the impressions you were gathering. It is formless, timeless and
beyond words. It is very difficult to discover, because it is so much part of what
you have come to consider as your view of “normality”- whatever that means!
3. The Dream was built as your brain was built. The whole experiences is
“hard-wired" into the neurones of your brain. It is integral to your personality,
written into your mind and totally inescapable. Your whole life so far has
consisted of keeping your Dream alive, but it doesnʼt have to be this way.
*Bocklage, C.E The frequency and survival probability of twin conceptions in
Multiple pregnancy: Epidemiology, gestation and perinatal outcome. Parthenon
Publishing Group, 1995
 Wombtwin survivors: an introduction
Proof of a twin or multiple pregnancy
Stillborn twin/triplet etc.
In this case everyone will probably know that you once had a twin, but you may
not have been told. It may be possible to establish this from medical records. If
you have been told, your family may not realise what this loss has meant to you.
Miscarried twin/ triplet etc.
If this was an early miscarriage, it may not have occured to your parents to tell
you. It is possible that no one except your mother knows anything about it. If
you have older siblings they may remember your mother thinking she had lost
you, but remaining pregnant after all.
One or more episodes of vaginal bleeding in early pregnancy
It is possible that your mother had more than one episode of bleeding, without
passing anything recognisable. This may be a sign that more than one embryo
was lost.
Conceived by IVF with multiple embryo implantation
It was once usual to implant several embryos at once, in order to increase the
possibilities of an IVF pregnancy. If you were conceived by IVF in the early
days of IVF, the chances are that you are the survivor of a multiple pregnancy.
The incidence of twinning, both identical and fraternal, is increased by IVF.
An ultrasound scan showing embryos that were not born alive or at all
If you were conceived before 1980, it is unlikely that a scan would have been
made. You may have been given the scan picture, or it may still be in your
parentʼs possession.
Fetus papyraceous present at birth
If you were born before 1980 it is very unlikely that the presence of a fetus
papyraceous would have been noticed, registered or spoken of to your parents.
However, there may be something in the birth records.
Presence in your body of cysts and/or other growths containing remains of
dead twin
Cysts and growths contaning bones, teeth and hair have been found in all parts
of the body, even the brain. These are all that remains of an identical twin, who
died and was absorbed into your embryonic body as it was being formed.
Remains of other amniotic sac(s) and cord(s) attached to placenta at birth
These days the placenta is examined carefully and the parents informed of any
signs of a “vanished” twin. The sac is usually empty but may contain some
remains of a twin.
Mother took drugs to stimulate ovulation
When drugs have been take to stimulate ovulation, the chances or conception are
greatly increased. However, the chances of a multiple pregnancy are increased
also. This may be undetected if the other embryos die away and “vanish” shortly
after implantation or before the first scan was made.
A failed attempt was made to abort the whole pregnancy
Before the 1960s, the most common method of abortion was to puncture the
amniotic sac and trigger a miscarriage. Alternatively, various chemicals were
applied to the cervix to induce a miscarriage. Otherwise, the mother may have
been given some medicine to drink to trigger a miscarriage. The usual method
today is either a hormonal drug which induces miscarriage or a surgical operation
using a suction tube which removes the contents of the uterus. I have heard
of several cases where a twin has managed to survive and has been born alive
with no physical ill-effects. There can be bodily damage to the survivor and the
psychological damage is usually considerable.
Nodules on placenta
When the placenta is examined, there are sometimes marks on it or nodules
attached, which might be clues to the existence of a lost twin. It takes expert
knowledge to diagnose a “vanished” twin from this evidence.
Fraternal twins in the family
If there are fraternal twins in your family, the chances of a twin pregnancy are
greatly increased. This does run in families. Where twinning appears to miss
a generation it may be that there was a twin pregnancy but only one survived.
There can be whole families of wombtwin survivors who do not know!
Signs of cerebral palsy
This has been very closely related to being the survivor of an identical pair.*
Birth defects
Any kind of physical defect may have beeen caused by twinning in the womb.
Mother very large for dates during first trimester but not later on
People often joke about the way a pregnant women looks in the early months. in
may cases it may be true.
Born prematurely
The death of a twin in regnancy can put the whole pregnancy at risk, especially
if the twins are an identical pair.
Identical twins in the family
Left-handedness and dyslexia have been associated with being an identical twin
survivor.
* Pharoah P. O. D, Price T S, and Plomin R Cerebral palsy in twins: a national study.
Archives of Disease in Childhood Fetal and Neonatal Edition 2002;87:F122-F124
 Wombtwin survivors: an introduction
Being a wombtwin survivor
In my attempt to describe to you what it is like to be a wombtwin survivor, we
must bear in mind the many different ways in which a pregnancy can proceed,
and the many different circumstances that can occur in the womb. The basic
thesis of my work is to take the Dream of the Womb very seriously indeed, and
assume at all stages that it is a memory of real events.
These events are compulsively re-enacted in an attempt to make sense of
these vague, deep feelings that have such power over your will and imagination.
I have spent several years discussing with wombtwin survivors what their
feelings are about themselves and other people. Out of these discussions has
come the certain understanding that there are many different ways to be a
wombtwin survivor, according to what happened to you in the womb.
Five groups
I will be discussing this in detail in my forthcoming printed book, in which
I have suggested that there are five groups of wombtwin survivors, who,
regardless of gender, race or creed, resemble each other in their attitudes to life
and themselves. Each one in each type shares a particular Dream of the Womb
and this has a profound effect on their personality. In fact this whole new science
may explain personality types such as introverts and extraverts etc.
I will set out below some of the characteristics of wombtwin survivors in
general terms. Do be aware that some of them wonʼt apply to you, because as I
have explained, wombtwin survivors vary widely in the way they see the world.
Sensitive
Wombtwin survivors tend to be inordinately empathetic, sensitive, intuitive and
creative. They are very sensitive to the moods of others, particularly where this
involves sadness or hurt. They react strongly to the atmosphere generated within
a group of people. They use their acute sensitivity to others to cool down a tense
situation. They are often charming or funny, working hard to keep others happy.
They may be seen doing this at a very early age.
They tend to be acutely aware of the needs of others, but easily hurt if
this is not reciprocated. They are very forgiving and tend to sacrifice their own
feelings for the sake of others. For this reason they are often the subject of
bullying or parental abuse, in which case their accommodating nature is taken
advantage of and they may experience excessive amounts of irrational guilt.
Alternatively, they may be provocative and oppositional towards their peers
and parents and as a result frequently shamed and/or punished. As adults they
love best simply to be with other people, sharing their lives at an emotional
level. The emotional intensity associated with wombtwin survivors can be hard
for others to understand. They appear to be over-sensitive, over-anxious and
even neurotic, but they are in fact doing nothing more than try and recall their
forgotten Dream of the Womb.
Death
Wombtwin survivors are very concerned with, and affected by, death. This is not
at all surprising if we consider that their first formative experience was being in
a very intense, intimate relationship with Someone Else in the womb who died.
In later life, wombtwin survivors will inevitably be confronted with death or loss
once more. At that point, the hidden memory of loss is triggered.
The most traumatic bereavement for an wombtwin survivor is the
death of a person with whom they have had a very close bond and an intimate
relationship. Faced with too many deaths at once, some of them find it hard to
cope without some emotional support; they grieve deeply and often for a very
long time.
Bereavement counselling is of great value to wombtwin survivors. In the
private intimacy of the counselling relationship, they are able to grieve intensely.
It may not be death that does it: divorce, disability and redundancy are all losses
that can trigger deep distress, despair and depression.
Pregnancy and the unborn
Wombtwin survivors tend to be preoccupied with pregnancy and birth and have
strong feelings about it. This includes being pregnant and giving birth; also
miscarriage, abortion, stillbirth, neonatal death, infant death and the death of
a child of any age. Many wombtwin survivors have difficulties in parenting
children.
Childlessness can be a source of grief for wombtwin survivors. although
paradoxically some wombtwin survivors deliberately choose not to have
children. The spectre of the unknown, unborn child is a strong force in the lives
of wombtwin survivors, for this is an echo of the lost twin, who never sees the
light of day and stays lost.
 Wombtwin survivors: an introduction
Strong emotions
Wombtwin survivors can be rather histrionic in the way they express their
feelings. They can go “over the top” with emotions. They may weep excessively
at a film that leaves others just a bit tearful; they may get terribly hurt by a small
slight or be very easily provoked into anger.
As babies they may cry a lot about nothing; as toddlers they may be
afraid of being left alone, especially in the dark. As children they may suddenly
become withdrawn and feel a dark mood of despair, or fear of death coming upon
them for no particular reason. They may be described as “moody”.
As teenagers they may hide away, weeping for hours for some invented
reason, not really knowing why. As adults they may be plunged into “black dog”
depression that comes and goes with no apparent cause.
The whole demeanour of wombtwin survivors changes with their moods,
which can oscillate wildly between despair and joy over a short period of time.
Always busy
Wombtwin survivors feel driven by some inner force to live life to the full and
overflowing. They are very aware of the fleeting nature of time and the shortness
of life. There are simply not enough hours in the day for what they want to
achieve. They often have two or more jobs, or have several part-time occupations
at once. They always have some new idea or project in mind. They do not know
what it is to be bored; rather, they are bursting with new ideas that demand
creative expression. They are always busy, but try to find time for people and
their needs. They will sit up all night with someone in need, or drop everything
for the sake of a friend.
Exhaustion
Wombtwin survivors become exhausted, not by their busy lives, but by the added
demands they put on themselves to reach out to friends in need, following which
they have to fulfill the normal demands of job and family. They may start new
projects with great gusto but quickly run out of steam. They often do not carry
things through. They are great initiators, as long as someone else can come and
take over at a later date and bring the whole thing to fruition.
Where there is no one to take over, they may leave the remains of several
unfinished projects lying around to clutter up their home. They may hate the
clutter but they will say that it is difficult to get round to finishing things off, as if
there is an emotional block to doing so.
Two-ness
Wombtwin survivors love to be one of a pair. As children they may show a
preoccupation with twins, or frequently point out “two things the same.” Later
they may discover a great love of symmetry or balance.
They may seek out opposite extremes to complete their lives. They may
make sure they have two the same of what they like, such as two cats, two cars or
two computers. In partnership they may prefer to work with someone who is the
opposite of themselves, or be deeply attracted to someone born on the same day.
They love to discover sameness with their friends or relations.
Relationships
Wombtwin survivors relate most easily to other wombtwin survivors. They sniff
each other out in crowds and even at bus stops, where they are quickly to be
found deep in conversation at an intimate level.
In babyhood, they constantly mutter or sing to themselves, and may have
an imaginary friend, particularly if they are an only child. As children they are
good communicators. They may be unhappy at the thought of not having friends
but sometimes their eagerness to make friends drives people away and this causes
loneliness and hurt. If they do learn to charm people or make them laugh, they
will make good use of that skill wherever they can.
The adult wombtwin survivor is diminished in power if he lives and works
alone. If he is able to form a partnership then he can be fully-functioning, using
the partnership itself as a way to bring forth the full creative potential of both
parties. Adult wombtwin survivors may spend hours talking to themselves
in order to solve a problem, but for them creative bliss is close contact with a
creative friend and the joy of seeing something emerge that is greater than either
of them could achieve alone.
Split
Wombtwin survivors seem to have a split personality, and may joke about it. The
two-ness they need is expressed inwardly in the way they live and behave. For
example, they may be very different at home and among their family from how
they are at work. This may be confusing for them: they seem to have two very
contrasting sides to their personality and cannot be sure which is “me” and which
is “not me”. It is characteristic of a wombtwin survivor to complain:ʼ I donʼt
know who I am!”
 Wombtwin survivors: an introduction
Strong inner life
In their frantic rush through life wombtwin survivors find it remarkably easy, if
necessary, to sit still and quiet, drawing on a little-used part of themselves to
do this. They can be patient people with a strong capacity for endurance and
survival in difficult conditions. They may talk about “a strong inner life” that
enables them to suffer pain, long periods of forced inactivity or solitude.
A food problem
Almost invariably, wombtwin survivors have a problem with food. This is such
a strong association that I am tempted to believe that all people with a food
problem are wombtwin survivors!
An interesting slant is that some wombtwin survivors gain a lot of weight
and change shape entirely as a result, only to lose it again and “become another
person.” This may be repeated several times in their lives. They make a huge
effort to lose half their body weight, as if to go from being two people to being
only one - and find their half-sized body hard to live with, so they regain the
weight.
Guilt
The real tragedy of the life of a wombtwin survivor is the tendency to feel a
strong sense of irrational guilt. A subtle and complex series of “vehicles” is
found to express this unexplained, vague and prevalent sense of guilt and shame.
Mostly there is no need to be ashamed at all - for example feeling bad about not
being clever enough or having a nose the wrong shape. This is because the guilt
is really to do with being alive. Wombtwin survivors get into a lot of trouble
when they begin to invent reasons for their irrational and unreasonable feeling
of shame. They simply behave shamefully and then feel terribly ashamed about
having done whatever it was:- a “shame trip.”
The gift of empathy
The most potent and powerful gift of the wombtwin survivor is empathy, which
is the ability to feel the same feelings as another person. Empathy is a normal
human quality, but the wombtwin survivor has a natural facility for it. It is a
very useful tool for forming and cementing relationships and maintaining an
harmonious atmosphere.
Wombtwin survivors have an uncanny ability to “read” a room or a person,
which can be unnerving. In a group they are acutely aware of the subtleties of
any power games being played out and can predict trouble before it comes.
Scapegoats
Like so much in the life of a wombtwin survivor, empathy is both a blessing and
a curse. Wombtwin survivors get tangled up in other peopleʼs lives because of
their ability to “pick up” on the feelings of another person. They slip easily into
co-dependent relationships.
They can end up as unwitting vehicles for the unexpressed,
unacknowledged feelings of other people, unless they stay alert to their
own propensity to take other peopleʼs feelings upon themselves. Without a
considerable degree of self knowledge they are easily scape-goated and become
very vulnerable to abuses of power.
Weird
It doesnʼt take wombtwin survivors many years to realise that they see the
world differently from other people. Other people may notice this too, and many
wombtwin survivors are seen as “strange” , “the odd one out” or even “weird”.
If they want to fit in, they may pretend to be the same as everyone else, but they
do often wonder why other people do not see the world the way they do.
If they have to join in with people who do not use intuition or empathy, this
is very hard for them, and accentuates their feeling of being the “odd one out”.
Holding on
Letting go is a major wombtwin survivor concern. Some wombtwin survivors
have certain beloved possessions that they could not live without. As parents,
wombtwin survivors find it hard to let go of their need to feel close to their own
children. They seem to suffer more from any lack of emotional contact with
them than the average parent might. They can survive if necessary on minimal
emotional contact with loved ones, but a complete absence of contact causes
extreme emotional pain: this is just too much of a reminder of the loved one who
was lost forever.
The search
Wombtwin survivors never seem to settle on anything. They undo what they have
seemingly finished, only to do it again. They set impossibly high standards for
themselves which they never reach. They are searching for something but what
they are looking for is never found. This is the search for the lost wombtwin,
who of course remains forever lost. Now let's take a closer look............
 Wombtwin survivors: an introduction
Despair
By constantly moving on, you continually abandon your friends and move on to
Despair is probably a familiar emotion to you, if you are a wombtwin survivor. make more friends, only to abandon them too after a while. Soon, the world will
Your feelings of despair were created in the womb when your wombtwin died. be full of people who knew you, loved you but never really got to know you.
After all, what is the point in loving if the one you love dies and abandons you? You are driven by your fear of abandonment and so you constantly abandon
Whatʼs the point of living if the one you love is no longer alive and with you? If other people. To protect yourself from the worst feeling in the world, which is to
you want to find true happiness you will need to stop running away from these be left alone in the dark, you have learned how to be alone.
feelings of despair and admit them, turn towards them and confront them. You wander through a series of relationships, getting lonelier and lonelier
It will feel worse before it feels better, but almost at once this will as time goes by. You are searching for someone in the present who in truth
help you to unravel the confused feelings in your head belongs in the past. Yet you are afraid to find
that rob you of happiness. Your search is for more than what you want, because in the finding you will
Wanderer reconnect with the original pain and bewilderment
just happiness: it is for your wombtwin. It is one of the
classic signs of a wombtwin survivor when someone In a journey of endless footsteps I gather momentum of being abandoned by your wombtwin partner.
says: “ It feels like I have spent my life searching for Until the journey is myself and I the journey: The search for your wombtwin is fruitless, for
something but I donʼt know what.” The paths proliferate before me, beckoning- your wombtwin cannot be found. If you wish to
The search for your wombtwin probably has Such wonder lies beyond where every road must bend! be healed of your compulsion towards wandering
brought you to these pages, and there were probably And in the speculation of a misty corner-
you will have to slow down and start thinking.
many false starts and blind alleys on the way. Your Where trees dip and bend in unseen breezes- The closest you will ever come to your wombtwin
arrival at this page marks the end of the very long Lies the yearning in my heart that drives is to examine your own character, for you have
and difficult journey of trying to understand why you my endless footsteps, searching.... made your wombtwin into part of yourself.
have always had these strange feelings and ideas about The scene is clear: the journey is the meaning An untimely death
yourself. My own words during my fifty-year search and the footsteps make the road The untimely death of your wombtwin has in some
for my wombtwin were that I was “looking for a place Yet in the linear movement lies a certain circularity;
way become part of how you view your own life.
to stand.” It was as if I wanted to understand; to make I come back each morning to a place You may reach old age, yet still have a deep -
some sense of my inner world and then move on. of long ago and far away- seated feeling that your life will not be a long one,
It is known that the fear of repeating a past Lost to memory and on the other side of time. and you will be taken before your time.
experience in fact recreates the experience. You are left The fleeting relationship you had with your
Yet each step I take forward is just one step away;
with a dilemma: if you engage with someone and get wombtwin may have become part of the way you
And thus I greet and part from friends I dare not truly know.
close to them, before long you begin to fear that it may For in the morning mist, when distant trees dip
relate to people in your born life, and this means of
all end in abandonment. The original abandonment is And bow against invisible forces of the air, course that all your relationships must be fleeting.
beyond your memory, but what remains is the anxiety Then into my mind creeps a tiny memory of mystery.... The compulsive need to re-enact this
that every close relationship will also end in the other A creature calling to me through the years. Dream of long ago has been ruling your life. In
one leaving or dying. the Dream is the despair of being left alone which
Who are you, creature of my will?
The obvious answer is to keep moving on: be a is looking for a place to stand. Ask yourself now:
What do you want of me?
wanderer. To you, letting someone love you means to Your eternal parting is enacted in my endless leaving
have you been looking for reasons to feel despair
stop your wandering. For you, being in a fixed spot Your longings breed my journeyings. and hopelesness? It it possible that you have
being loved feels like a prison. In fact you are in the I long for you and need you, deliberately created a vehicle for your despair?
grip of a wandering compulsion. but I donʼt know who you are.

Pain
The dream of the womb is a very painful place. The first step to healing pain is
to name it, so I will name it in three different ways.
The pain of loss
In your Dream of the Womb you are grieving for your lost wombtwin. The
pain arises out of the loss of that closeness, intimacy
and empathetic union with your twin. Any similar
situation in born life will trigger that pain once more.
This means that you feel pain if you allow yourself to
become really intimate with someone who is unable
I ache for you in compassion that you cannot know my love
to give you intimacy, sharing or empathy.
A way to keep the pain alive in your life is to try
everything to replace your twin soul mate. If you are
open with everyone, displaying your vulnerability to
them, they will go on hurting you by not wanting to
share their lives with you, empathise with you or be
as emotionally intense as you would wish to be. That
is one way to live your life in emotional pain.
A way to deny that pain is to isolate yourself,
avoid all intimacy, share your inner life with no one and
deny your need for empathy. You may have decided
already that the way to avoid suffering is to relinquish
all possibility of intimate, close relationship and
become totally self-sufficient.
Physical pain
In your Dream of the Womb, Someone Else is too
weak to live. You meanwhile are a bundle of busy
energy, swimming around in your sac while Someone
Else is dying. It is your health and strength that
causes you pain, for it is so unfair that you have all
that vital energy and your twin is so sick.
The pain of being healthy is kept alive by your
extraordinary levels of physical activity. Your levels
of vitality are a wonder to those with less available
energy. You eventually fall into exhaustion, but after
a short rest you are up again.
Wombtwin survivors: an introduction
After a few years of this, your doctors become alarmed at your blood pressure
or your creaking joints and you are told to rest more. This advice is ignored and
after a time some physical pain or sickness may ensue. There are many ways
to make yourself sick, apart from over-activity. Overwhelming your immune
system with toxins or dietary imbalances is a good method. The sickness that
ensues will disable you and stop you from living a full life. It will go on and on
relentlessly. No one will find any cure or diagnose
what is wrong. It really hurts and of course there is
Phantoms only short-term relief.
The pain of bitter disappointment
I need to know you; yet I am not seen
I see you there but you do not know I exist In the Dream of the Womb you began to hope that
something good was going to happen. Your natural
I ache for me in self pity that I can never know your love- social instinct to relate was galvanised, as you
We are innocent, you and I; reached out in curiosity to examine this new Strange
Caught like phantoms in a web Object, but the promise was not delivered. This
of something alien was the bitterest possible disappointment. The cause
and too familiar and ever-present: of the pain was your hope, and in that moment you
Eternity in a matrix and in a world-wide web.
knew the death of hope.
Desolation.
The way to keep this pain alive is to seize
Yet here in this desert there are two of us waiting: every opportunity you can to feel disappointed.
Here in desolation we each wait
Make all kinds of wildly impossible plans that
in our own bubble of loneliness.
Who will be the first to grow so, so large wonʼt work. Make promises to yourself and then
That the bubble will break and let yourself down. Make promises to others and
the new and alien world will gush in? let them down and feel deeply ashamed about that.
Never! For if to grow is to leave you, then I will not grow! Set impossible standards for others to fulfil and feel
I will stay true to you and remain here at your side. disappointed when they are not fulfilled.
I will be with you always; in you I can come to be..... The way to deny this pain is never to hope.
To leave you now, to grow into something new Worry constantly about What Might Happen.
Would be to leave you here alone.
Under pressure, assume the hopelessness of every
A voice is calling me to wholeness but I will not hear it! action, which makes sure that you wonʼt even try to
Love is pouring over me but I will not drink! improve matters for yourself. You can manage quite
There is a light; I can see it but I will not leave
well without hope. Hope for nothing and you will
this safe and perfect darkness.
receive nothing, but at least you will never feel the
For you are there, my strength; my rock. pain of disappointment. Emotional pain has its roots
Do not be afraid - I will be here always,
in the pain of abandonment and being left alone. It
ever faithful in the darkness with you,
until the end of time. is more about your own grief than anything that has
been done to you in the past.
 Wombtwin survivors: an introduction

Self abuse by participating in activities that they are incapable of. Wombtwin survivors
push their bodies to the limit. They work hard, never ceasing in their activities
Wombtwin survivors abuse their bodies, but few of them see it as self abuse. If
and ideas for more projects. In their race away from pain, they may be driven to
you live an unhealthy lifestyle or eat an unhealthy diet, then you are not looking
exhaustion, injury or even death.
after yourself properly. That is a lack of self-care and can be considered as self-
Some wombtwin survivors feel a compulsion to cut themselves. Although
neglect. Neglect is after all an important aspect of child abuse and the abuse
cutting yourself causes bleeding and pain and leaves you scarred for life, the
of prisoners, yet when we talk about self-neglect it seems to be a stupid, but
commonest reaction is shame. Self harming takes place in a cycle of shame,
nevertheless quite natural, thing to do.
where the self-harm causes shame and the
Some wombtwin survivors take self
shame leads to further cutting, which is done
neglect to such an extent that they die. Anorexia Abortion survivor
in secret. The cycle is exactly the same as in
and eating disorders generally are visibly self-
In the waste of incoherent dreams binge-eating disorder, where the consumption
abusive, but the obese adult, struggling through
I came near you to feel your fear. of too much food causes shame which triggers
the days, burdened their own addiction to
I knew not what the fear was, or even if it was mine. off another binge. Self-injury is rapidly taking
food, does not see this as self neglect. Surely,
Then the terror engulfed me and I was helpless in the waves, over from eating disorders as a serious mental
overeating is self indulgence - yet this kind of
Drowning in a tide of pain I felt and yet did not feel. and physical health problem among women.
self indulgence will kill you.
And I died again and again, daring to live Self-injurers commonly report that they
Wombtwin survivors often end up in
a little longer and a little longer….. feel empty inside, lonely, not understood by
abusive or exploitative relationships. In fact they
others and fearful of intimate relationships.
seem to be attracted to the very people who will
I had no voice to demand the end of terror, to make it stop. They have an insatiable need for love and
abuse them. Yet they hang in there and remain
No voice to speak the terrible words that would bring shame; acceptance. There is no doubt in my mind that
in the relationship long after the situation has
No voice and no images to speak of, only silence in my heart they are wombtwin survivors who have been
become truly dangerous. Some wombtwin
Where beat the strong, slow cry abandoned by their wombtwin, who was lost in
survivor children are bullied, particularly those
of terrible revenge, screaming down the years. an early miscarriage.
who are overweight. It is widely known that to
In many people who hurt themselves, scars
stand up to the bully is to end the bullying, but
My silence was held through ignorance; or visible cuts, bruises or wounds produce
wombtwin survivors donʼt try to fix it. As abuse
Yet a slight, small image came fleetingly to mind feelings of shame. Bruises, bald spots, and
is piled upon them, it seems to becomes a useful
When half-distracted by an early morning reverie… other visible marks from self harm can be just
vehicle for that prevailing, incoherent sense of
At that time SOMEONE came to me as embarrassing as scars. If you cut yourself
emotional pain that is so much part of being a
who is a stranger and yet a friend; you may feel different, crazy or abnormal.
wombtwin survivor.
Into that place of unknowing there came I believe that there is in fact a rational
Wombtwin survivors may take risks with
One I knew as I know myself who is me and yet not me: and intelligent reason why wombtwin survivors
their lives. At least, they hold their lives cheap
One who shared with me a closeness never since regained; secretly scar themselves in this way. Self-abuse
compared with the lives of others. They gladly
A silent touch that will never return. is a physical echo of an emotional wound; a
risk their own health and strength, even their
Now in silence I must dream coded message from long ago in the womb.
lives, to save the life of another.
of things I can never have remembered; This is how the pain in the Dream is kept alive.
However, they may take others with them
Now in silence I listen to my body speaking to me
to death and injury if they choose to drink and
about love and pain and death.
drive. They may persuade people to take risks
 Wombtwin survivors: an introduction

The helpless victim They fear that they are, deep down, quite different from other people. They fear
that an inhuman monster lies within them that must be caged and carefully
Helplessness is born of fear and the quickest way to become a victim is to be
controlled. In a compulsive re-enactment of their Dream of the Womb, they
afraid. Some wombtwin survivors fear a loss of identity, particularly in a
may act in a monstrous, inhuman way, which is designed to drive other people
crowd or in the dark in the middle of the night. It is all very terrifying and
to reject them as “unacceptable”. Then the “helpless victim” is clear to see: the
accompanied by a sense of being totally helpless, as if held in the thrall of some
powerful master of a private universe is suddenly very small and vulnerable.
powerful presence, to whom they are inseparably bonded for life.
If you have ever been there, be reassured
One way to try not to feel helpless in that
that that “helpless” feeling is not yours, it is in
situation, is to create a very small world in which you
On pain of death some way “borrowed” from your wombtwin. In
are the all-powerful one and stay inside it always.
I shall never escape...... the tangle of feelings and impressions that is the
This is how, in an interesting reincarnation of the
My head is burning with unapproachable light; Dream of the Womb, it is almost impossible to tell
cramped womb space in which they lived for so
I dream longingly of flames that burn elsewhere; which feelings are your own and which have been
long alone and suffering in their loneliness, some
I am cold as death, here waiting for you. picked up in empathy from your wombtwin.
wombtwin survivors create a personal world which
I long with all my being to be in the place of death with you. Why would a tall, strong man persist in
is almost totally private. It is a safe place to go
In that death is my healing, wholeness and refreshment: believing that he is imprisoned by duties? Why
whenever things get too difficult. I will dive and swim through the cold, pure waters of death! would he so often feel helpless when in truth he is
Now if you fear that you do not exist in the I must endure, I can endure, I will endure. as powerful and free as the next man? Why would
eyes of others, you need people to see you and
Death and pain live on, eternal friends and lovers a resolute and determined woman persistently
remind you that you do exist. It is important to be
Entangled, intertwined, lonely people both: resign herself to being the victim in a relationship
highly visible but still you must not be seen in your
Separate lives joined by the tender thread of pain. where she submits daily to physical beatings
helplessness and vulnerability. Further, if you need
and insults? This contradictory, self-sabotaging
also to be master of your own little kingdom, then I am waiting to be filled but you do not return:
Where did you go, lost spirit of the dead? behaviour, which is so characteristic of wombtwin
you must keep everyone else at bay. This is just one
I sensed your ghost once, near me survivors, is more clearly understood if we see it
example of the conflicted, tangled and contradictory
-A reassuring presence in the dark- in terms of in a sense of you “becoming your own
inner world of the wombtwin survivor. You must
Yet I never knew you and you died not knowing me: wombtwin.”
seem to be emperor of all things yet somewhere deep
A tragedy of immense proportion Nothing creates a greater sense of
down you fear that you are a helpless, neglected and
an eternal pain too great to grasp! helplessness in a wombtwin survivor than being
hideous thing.
A disappointed yearning; an endless howl of longing; left alone, abandoned or unwanted. They have
This sense of a “neglected and hideous thing”
A space never to be filled; a pain never to be healed. such a low tolerance of any style of rejection that
may in fact be a vague impression of the dead body
I will pretend you were not there; they either are far too anxious to please, or test every
of your wombtwin, hanging somewhere nearby.
I will say you were never there; relationship to breaking point. Yet paradoxically,
Having developed abnormally and no longer
I will not feel desire. wombtwin survivors are more often rejected
recognisable as human, it was human for long enough
than other people, which they find very hard to
for you to become aware of Someone Else, who may My pain will go down into Hades with my desire attached.
I will never feel pain again! understand.
have been your friend. Wombtwin survivors of this
Now I am purified in death, I feel nothing The reason is quite simple: in a subtle way
scenario are really afraid of throwing light on the
I am free of pain, I do not feel....... they are inviting rejection, almost as if to prove
truth of this contradiction because they fear knowing
Now I am dead too. themselves right: they are a monster after all.
the truth about themselves.

Anger and rage
Letʼs talk about rage. Thatʼs not the exasperation you feel when the toothpaste
tube is squeezed in the middle one more time: its not
even the resentment you feel when you are insulted
by someone who you know is worth no more or less
than yourself. Rage is primitive, overwhelming and
totally irrational.
If you “do rage” on a regular basis then you
will be told you “have a problem”. People will
say that your anger is quite unreasonable and must
be controlled more stringently. Perhaps for that
reason you donʼt even get as far as expressing it,
and it ferments inside you for ages, until you let it
go in some foolish, self-sabotaging and extremely
destructive way.
Then you are left in two minds: it was great to
have a moment to vent your spleen, but the results
are so bad that you wish you had exerted better self
No! not by God, by force, by reason, by imagining or even shame- been hard-wired to constantly re-experience trauma.
control. You end up feeling ashamed of your anger.
Worse still, you may avoid the shame by
insisting that your rage was quite justified. Then
people will insist that you ought to be ashamed of
yourself and you need psychological help. They may
even send you to anger management classes, where
everyone learns to scream and cry and let their real
emotions fly, while you sit and seethe at the sheer
indignity of having to be there and watch.
But what is rage for? Would it be possible to
find a rational, intelligent - even loving reason for
this overwhelming, intense and murderous feeling?
Well, rage has with in it festering nodules of
hatred; a white-heat desire to rid the world of the
assumed source of the rage and an overpowering
urge to react with as much noise and violence as
your normal inhibitions will allow. In rage, normally
mild-mannered people suddenly lash out and destroy;
teenagers attempt suicide; people kill one another.
Wombtwin survivors: an introduction
A really good episode of rage feels wonderfully powerful. You may need an
The Forsaken
Rise up--
We the forsaken, the forlorn--
Loved through our grief
Loving our grief,
Our only connection to the unborn.
The physical moment, in fullness
Sought forever, into infinity
Knowing spirit is stronger, its touch surer
But reaching, yet reaching and stretching and yearning
and reaching beyond infinity,
To bring to ourselves an impossibility
OUR impossibility, our own, never to be taken from us
No, not by all the hands from all the worlds
stretched forth to retrieve;
No, not by all the saints of all universes known and unknown; and senstitive. The deepest part of their brains have
No! They must stand witness to the unlikely,
What some would call the unholy and the unforgivable,
This reaching, rendering the impossible entirely possible,
And lovely, loving, shining, real, oh, so real--
Emerging from the lost vastness
Into light, into relief and dimensional form,
Real as the earth and the skies of all universes,
More real--Not shaded by perceptions
Of physical eyes; perceived by all senses,
everywhere--
Shining, shining, not with light
But with real being--vivid, not with color--
But the vividness of being real before anything heretofore
imagined--
So real, all onlookers are dulled by comparison
As they all can clearly see--
Real beyond belief,
Yet none doubting
For finally, one dimension of clarity
In accord, with not one denial--
So clearly, universally real.
excuse for it, just to make it socially acceptable, such
as a football match or racial hatred. You may need
to acknowledge some physical symptoms as your
rage is suppressed. It can be quite astonishing when
wombtwin survivors discover the true extent of the
rage inside them, and the fact that rage is closely
allied to some extremely painful feelings.
Your rage is your pain unmasked. It is after
all a better feeling to experience some kind of hatred
and resentment than to be filled with unbearable pain.
Rage and anger makes pain bearable. The rage that
wombtwin survivors feel is against the Way Things
Are. After all, they have been subjected to traumatic
experiences when they were at their most delicate
The only way to survive this is to feel rage.
So try and strip your rage down to the
fundamentals with the ruthless application of logic.
Show yourself how totally inappropriate your anger
is. Other people will not hestitate to point this out,
so try listening to them. At the same time, recognise
the pain you feel and know that no one is making you
feel the pain: it is your own.
You are sometimes made aware of your own
pain by the things that happen or what other people
say. The wombtwin healing work is all about shining
light into the dark, hidden places of your mind and
pouring loving on it all.
If you pour love upon your rage, then you
will see the pain and know the reason for it. That is
the healing.
 Wombtwin survivors: an introduction

The truth about hate are different, such as negroes or tramps. She prevents you from having contact
with them, telling you that they are to be “avoided at all costs.” There is nothing
Now letʼs look at the truth about your feelings of hate. If you think you do not
that says you have to believe what you are told. My experience of curiosity in
hate anyone, then read on. We will look at what hate is, and how easily it can be
the average child is that, if something is forbidden, it at once becomes attractive!
healed and transformed. This is doing the “hate work.”
Hate divides people from one another. It splits partnerships. It destroys
In my view, hate is the disappointed expectation of love. It has within it the
groups. It acts counter to loving kindness. The universal outcome of hatred is to
despair of never knowing love with a certain individual; it holds the pain of love
destroy relationships. The end result of hating is to be alone. Only people who
given but not received. It contains the feelings of being nothing, of no account,
feel a deep unspoken and un-realised need to feel alone would bother to spend
when in the presence of this person. It has within it the powerlessness of being
time hating, and I believe that is what hate is for. People who want to be with
with someone who knows no boundaries to their own selfish desires.
others in close and loving relationship will never get that if they hate.
Hating is annihilation where the sense of self is utterly absent, even
You cannot learn to hate, but of course hate has an important role in
eroded by the mere presence of the person. The pain lies in the desire for
society. Hatred expressed as hot, vengeful anger is a useful response to abuse.
relationship. This is why hate drives people apart; for only when apart can the
If a parent abuses his or her power over a child, then hate is a healthy response.
hopeless longing for closeness be expressed. Hate is therefore the sense of
The vindictive, vengeful feelings that arise out of abuse have within them the
being abandoned in a place without love; to be utterly forsaken and lost. This of
desire to use oneʼs own power to get back at the one who has hurt you.
course neatly creates the Dream of the Womb.
If you never attempt to get back at your abuser, then you will remain
It seems that we hate in order to express
feeling completely overpowered and helpless.
something about loneliness. Wombtwin survivors
Monster Doing the “hate work” is an important step towards
suffer a deep sense of isolation and loneliness that lies
healing and the regaining of personal power and
somewhere beyond memory. They may choose to Black-eyed monster, sitting, (g)lowering,
self respect. Wombtwin survivors tend towards
remember this, by recreating that lack of the close twin Still and silent, I know not why.
angry hatred as a response to invasion or the abuse
relationship, simply by feeling divided from a loved Colours around me, expressive but wordless,
of power.
one by hatred. It is as though wombtwin survivors Orange and black, angry and sad.
Hatred expressed as cold, unfeeling
need to feel hated in order to express something vague Oppression and darkness, worry and sadness.
withdrawal from a relationship is a useful way to
from the other side of memory. Negative images have haunted my psyche;
keep a relationship with another person but test out
It takes a lot of energy to continually invent Pictures of nothingness, haunting and cold.
their commitment to their relationship with you.
reasons to go on hating someone who shows all
Yet why should that be? A withdrawn silence will tempt the other
the signs of loving you very much. Alternatively if
There is no reason that I can see. to come toward you with protestations of love in
someone hates you, the smallest dose of compassion
Those colours are feelings, tinges of grief, order to win you over. In this way it is safe to hate,
or kindness can heal it almost at once. Hatred is so
Tendrils of something unremembered – but there. because you will never be completely alone. The
easily overcome by the tiniest act of kindness that it
hate work requires that you build enough trust in
is extraordinary that so many people say they hate. There, there, my child.
relationships not to test them in this way.
There has to be more to the question of hate than to Find comfort and healing
If there is someone you hate absolutely,
say, as many do, that hate is instilled or taught by in the love that surrounds you
then decide: how much do you want to have a
adults. – yet is not seen.
relationship with them?
Can you learn to hate? Letʼs say that you have a For the love that surrounds you is not tarnished
Donʼt waste energy on a relationship you
bigoted mother who hates some people in society who – but clean.
donʼt care about. Let it die.

Shame and survivor guilt
Pride, is it said, is the “father of all sin.” I would put it differently. It is the father be revealed in order to take avoiding action, then the first casualty of this war
of all negativity. Now I donʼt mean the pride of a father for a son, or the pride
one may feel about receiving the Nobel Peace Prize: what I mean here is the
deliberate concealment of shame by denial. The state of pride is a fearful, rigid,
paranoid kind of place.
It seems as if some wombtwin survivors have an
amorphous fear within them that defies explanation and
wonʼt go away. Thatʼs a hard thing to make sense of. To
be afraid of being “found out” is a bit like being afraid
to stand out, or even to exist. So here is a new way of
looking at pride: it is the denial of a fear of being “found
out.” Being found out means to be ashamed. Therefore,
pride is the cover for shame.
Fearful
This proud denial is a deceitful way of dealing with
shame. If you deny feeling shame then you are blinding
yourself to the consequences of your actions. You may
pretend that the shameful thing you are doing (or not
doing) isnʼt happening. Alternatively, you may pretend
that the thing you are doing (or choosing not to do) is
nothing to be ashamed of.
Rigid
The concealment of shame by denial imposes a kind
of paralysis on the person attempting to conceal it. By
adopting “standards” as artificial, rigid structures that
must be maintained at all costs, it is possible to create
a kind of “smoke screen” of self-righteous activity that
conceals the shame beneath. Perfectionism is a good
example of this.
This rigidity, maintained by fear of being
discovered, acts counter to change and personal
progression. Every path you may wish to take in order
to fulfill your life is blocked by some rigid structure that
you have created for yourself. If you are a proud person
you cannot be fulfilled, relaxed or joyful. If you live in
a rather inhibited world, your pride is getting in the way.
Wombtwin survivors: an introduction
Paranoid
If you are always trying to anticipate circumstances where your shame may
against imagined shadows will be trust. The negative place where wombtwin
survivors live their lives is a deliberate choice. Given the chance to be positive
about other people or the world, they will refuse. To be open and non-defensive
seems like being utterly vulnerable. Terrible things may
happen if you are vulnerable - like your wombtwin.
Wretched Pride comes before a fall, so a fall is built into the very
A lost identical twin concept of pride. Anyone who gets too full of himself
will eventually end up face down in the mud - which is
While walking down the street the other day
It struck me that my life had all but slipped away exactly what he wants to happen.
They struck me right between the eyes Truth and shame
Those living lies To put truth into shame means not to be afraid to reveal
the soft underbelly of your personality. Own up;
For I was dead and shrunken, grey and small
stand up and tell the truth. You have no need to go on
Disguised as an india rubber ball
constantly breaking rules of your own making, just in
Disguised
a fake. order to give yourself something to be ashamed of. The
And the spirit sang in the tree ability to admit the truth of your shame is a great virtue.
But not in me It is a bottomless hole in your life into which you can
pour away all your self-hate.
Could I take life roughly in my grasp
The shame trip
Pull it here and there against its will
Wombtwin survivors can feel ashamed of anything
I am so still
I would command at all; they are forever apologising. They are always
say life thou wilt return feeling guilty about nothing and everything. It seems to
unto me me that wombtwin survivors are looking for things to
unto me be ashamed of. If there isnʼt anything, they will invent
whoʼs he? something.
Wombtwin survivors vary a lot in their take on
Or could I twist myself about
To make a hole shame, but whichever way you look at it, they are all
This shamois leather on a shame trip. Some wombtwin surviors try to be
my desert perfect, so they can avoid feeling ashamed. Others will
this weightless, leaden shape deliberately choose to act outrageously so that people
To let the water in will accuse them of behaving shamefully.
To fill with life, Simply, wombtwin survivors are ashamed of being
with life again the one who survived. If we see shame as rooted in
Amen, Amen (by Nick Owen) survivor guilt, then it all makes perfect sense.
 Wombtwin survivors: an introduction

Exploring the nature of the loss

Healing for a wombtwin survivor Now you have rediscovered what was lost, the true nature of the loss can find an
impact, but this time the feelings make sense, they have “somewhere to stand.”
If you are wombtwin survivor, you have lived your whole life until now in an
Now you can revisit the loss without fear of being consumed by your feelings
emotional double bind: you have something deep in your mind and soul that is
and lost in a well of despair and pain. Now you can untangle the confusion
about despair, shame, death, grief and pain and it is making your life a well of
of feelings and enmeshed relationships you have with other people. Now you
misery in which some part of you is perpetually drowning. This misery feels
can explore and clarify the way in which these painful feelings have “attached
like an integral part of your inner self and, however hard you try to overcome it,
themselves” to other losses and painful memories. The way survivor guilt has
it refuses to heal. You try all kinds of therapy, and imagine for a brief time that
been haunting your life becomes very clear at this stage.
“Yes! This is the answer!” but somehow the misery remains.
Find space to grieve
Listening to your inner self
The next stage is a huge up-welling of feelings. At this stage you would be well
Healing begins when you are ready to stop rushing about looking for different
advised to recruit some emotional support from someone who understands what
kinds of anaesthetic and using them to forget your inner pain. If you dare to
this is about. This up-welling may be accompanied by some kind of illness.
listen to your inner self, then you may begin to learn what this pain means and
In that quiet space of sickness and sadness there can be a chance to work the
discover that it is self-inflicted. You are the author of your own misfortune.
feelings out. Now you can make some sense of them. This may be a difficult
You have been practicing self-sabotage. To do this means no more living
time but rest assured that once you confront and experience those feelings you can,
on the surface. It means no more lies about how you are feeling; no more
as it were, “walk through them and out the other side”.
pretended cheerfulness while inside your heart is breaking for reasons you donʼt
Time to let go
understand.
When the grieving is over it is time to let go, but take your time. This is best
Finding your wombtwin
done in a kind of funeral or ritual of mourning but it is important not to hurry.
Once the idea of a lost wombtwin is in place, the healing begins to work at once.
Letting go too soon causes a great deal of confusion. There is no quick way of
Can you dare to believe, just for a while, that it may be true? Are you prepared
doing this. Listen at all times to your deepest feelings and even if there is a tiny
to come with me into a hypothetical world where some people mourn a lost
shred of feeling, act on it. Immediately after the ritual, be aware of everything
wombtwin throughout their lives without ever realising it?
else you need to do. The ritual iself may only be the beginning of a process.
“Me” and “not me”
You may need to make a journey, read a book, throw things away, meet with
The first step is to create a distinct entity in your mind that is completely
people, change your job, and much, much more......
separate from you. This tiny little person may be named. Giving a name is a
Coming into your inheritance
very important step because it marks the fact that your wombtwin and you were
When your wombtwin has been allowed to die you can live life more fully. The
separate little people. There are certain characteristics in your nature, such as
space, the time and energy that this endless search has taken from you all your
being histrionic or fragile, which feel somehow alien to your true nature. They
life is now all yours. The gifts and talents you have kept locked away or have
feel as if they are “Not me”:- you may even describe them as such. People speak
sabotaged are all yours. The wonderful life you have, that feels such a privilege
about being “possessed” but to say that is to miss the point. You created the “Not
to enjoy, is now all yours.
me” out of real, hidden memories.
Growth
Rebuilding memories
With this new-found energy and peace, all kinds of things that seemed
You have generated “Not me” parts of yourself to recreate something that should
impossible become possible. You will find yourself discovering new talents and
exist but is now lost. You have made them out of the vague imprint in your mind
easily claiming space to do things you never managed to do before. At last you
of Someone Else being there and then gone. The next stage of the healing is to
will be free to realise your true potential.
discover the genuine nature of the separate little person who was once there.
 Wombtwin survivors: an introduction
My life of fear
by a wombtwin survivor
For as long as I can remember, Iʼve known I was “wrong”; that I really shouldnʼt
be alive. I spent my young childhood trailed around by endless and unnameable
fears; ghosts, ghouls, evil spirits and, most oddly, terror of my very normal
parents, even my ultra-affectionate mother.
I enjoyed bits of school. I was the model pupil, worked far too hard, had
good relationships with some of the teachers, but really struggled to build any
lasting friendships. My knowledge that I was a “worthless outsider” became a
self-fulfilling prophecy; every look a curse.
After a bout of shingles at the age of 8, I never really regained my energy.
I was always tired, always slow, always uncomfortable, always cold. By my
mid teens this had settled into a slow, dank depression which rarely lifted. I was
variously diagnosed with M.E. and depression and spent years on medication,
which did little good.
During my late teens I remember catching sight of a young woman in a
town where I was on holiday and reacting, “Iʼve found you; youʼre my twin”.
Of course, I knew when I looked, and thought that I was being ridiculous, but
from then on thoughts persisted. I often wondered, “was my twin given away at
birth?” and found myself watching faces, hoping to find her.
In my early 20s, I fell in love and had a year of sunshine, still punctuated
by exhaustion, but much better than anything I could remember. We married,
moved the length of England, and our first daughter was born. Not surprisingly,
the fatigue and depression returned with a vengeance.
Then just before my 30th birthday, I hit a crisis point. On the surface,
things couldnʼt have been better. My older daughter had just started school,
the children got on well and were healthy, we had a roof over our heads and I
was 6 months into a job which felt like it had the potential to stimulate me back
into life. But the depression became unbearable. I stopped eating, couldnʼt stop
crying, the walk to school was beyond me, I didnʼt have the confidence or the
energy to answer the telephone.
In the mid summer I picked up a book in the library. This was an impulse
grab, and a fairly poor read, but I stuck it out as I sat and waited for my
daughterʼs drama class to finish. The book climaxed with the heroine being
attacked and taken to hospital. When she was operated on they found remains
of a twin she had lost in the womb. This made her whole life make sense. Up to
then she had lived a “lie”; telling her partner that she had a twin who died as a
child. I felt like my life had suddenly come into focus too, and was amazed by
the clarity in my befuddled brain.
However, I didnʼt do anything with my revelation. Then, three or four
months later; back at work by now, but still struggling immensely with life, I
came across Kate Atkinsonʼs “Behind the Scenes at the Museum” (I loved this
one!) Again, at the end it is revealed that the key to understanding the plot is
a lost twin. Throughout the book I felt really strong resonances with the main
character, and when I discovered that an overwhelming factor in her deep
depression had been the loss of a twin who she had blocked out memory of, I
decided that it was time to act!
Thatʼs when I found the wombtwin website and began the work. Initially,
I assumed that my Mum had had an abortion and not realised that Iʼd been left
behind, but have subsequently found out that this was not the case. Nor was
there any other physical sign that I might have lost a sibling in the womb.
Earlier this year I finally received a diagnosis for some of my physical
problems - my thyroid gland had completely given up, and had probably not
been functioning properly since the shingles. The condition can be medicated
very easily, and the depression has slowly left. I also spent last year in
counselling, which helped greatly.
A third strand in my continuing healing is looking at the wombtwin ideas
and working through the work. Unlike most people visiting this site, due to
the lack of physical signs I donʼt have a complete conviction that I was a twin.
However, examining this possibility has been a real time of unlocking as I
allowed buried and unthinkable thoughts to become part of reality, and then
started to find ways to let go and move on.
Ultimately, the work has left me determined to live life to the full, the more
so if Iʼm living for two of us. I feel a joyful responsibility to my twin to make
my life alive enough for both of us.
(Reproduced here by kind permission of the author, who wishes to remain anonymous.)
Acknowledgements
Thanks to the many wombtwin survivors who have e-mailed me through the
wombtwin.com website. Without you this book would have been
mere conjecture. Thanks to Judy, Nick and John for your poems.
Thanks for Graham for making publication possible.