Beruflich Dokumente
Kultur Dokumente
an introduction
Althea Hayton
Published by Wren Publications 2005
Published as an e-book 2005 by kind permisssion of The Fellowship of Artists and Writers
www.compassion-in-business.co.uk
No part of this book may be transmitted or reproduced in any way, electronic or otherwise
without the express permission of the author.
Wombtwin survivors: an introduction
After a few years of this, your doctors become alarmed at your blood pressure
Pain or your creaking joints and you are told to rest more. This advice is ignored and
after a time some physical pain or sickness may ensue. There are many ways
The dream of the womb is a very painful place. The first step to healing pain is
to make yourself sick, apart from over-activity. Overwhelming your immune
to name it, so I will name it in three different ways.
system with toxins or dietary imbalances is a good method. The sickness that
The pain of loss
ensues will disable you and stop you from living a full life. It will go on and on
In your Dream of the Womb you are grieving for your lost wombtwin. The
relentlessly. No one will find any cure or diagnose
pain arises out of the loss of that closeness, intimacy
what is wrong. It really hurts and of course there is
and empathetic union with your twin. Any similar
Phantoms only short-term relief.
situation in born life will trigger that pain once more.
The pain of bitter disappointment
This means that you feel pain if you allow yourself to I need to know you; yet I am not seen
I see you there but you do not know I exist In the Dream of the Womb you began to hope that
become really intimate with someone who is unable
I ache for you in compassion that you cannot know my love something good was going to happen. Your natural
to give you intimacy, sharing or empathy. I ache for me in self pity that I can never know your love- social instinct to relate was galvanised, as you
A way to keep the pain alive in your life is to try
We are innocent, you and I; reached out in curiosity to examine this new Strange
everything to replace your twin soul mate. If you are
Caught like phantoms in a web Object, but the promise was not delivered. This
open with everyone, displaying your vulnerability to of something alien was the bitterest possible disappointment. The cause
them, they will go on hurting you by not wanting to and too familiar and ever-present: of the pain was your hope, and in that moment you
share their lives with you, empathise with you or be Eternity in a matrix and in a world-wide web.
knew the death of hope.
as emotionally intense as you would wish to be. That Desolation.
The way to keep this pain alive is to seize
is one way to live your life in emotional pain. Yet here in this desert there are two of us waiting: every opportunity you can to feel disappointed.
A way to deny that pain is to isolate yourself, Here in desolation we each wait
Make all kinds of wildly impossible plans that
avoid all intimacy, share your inner life with no one and in our own bubble of loneliness.
Who will be the first to grow so, so large wonʼt work. Make promises to yourself and then
deny your need for empathy. You may have decided
That the bubble will break and let yourself down. Make promises to others and
already that the way to avoid suffering is to relinquish the new and alien world will gush in? let them down and feel deeply ashamed about that.
all possibility of intimate, close relationship and
Never! For if to grow is to leave you, then I will not grow! Set impossible standards for others to fulfil and feel
become totally self-sufficient.
I will stay true to you and remain here at your side. disappointed when they are not fulfilled.
Physical pain I will be with you always; in you I can come to be..... The way to deny this pain is never to hope.
In your Dream of the Womb, Someone Else is too To leave you now, to grow into something new Worry constantly about What Might Happen.
weak to live. You meanwhile are a bundle of busy Would be to leave you here alone.
Under pressure, assume the hopelessness of every
energy, swimming around in your sac while Someone A voice is calling me to wholeness but I will not hear it! action, which makes sure that you wonʼt even try to
Else is dying. It is your health and strength that Love is pouring over me but I will not drink! improve matters for yourself. You can manage quite
causes you pain, for it is so unfair that you have all There is a light; I can see it but I will not leave
well without hope. Hope for nothing and you will
that vital energy and your twin is so sick. this safe and perfect darkness.
receive nothing, but at least you will never feel the
The pain of being healthy is kept alive by your For you are there, my strength; my rock. pain of disappointment. Emotional pain has its roots
extraordinary levels of physical activity. Your levels Do not be afraid - I will be here always,
in the pain of abandonment and being left alone. It
of vitality are a wonder to those with less available ever faithful in the darkness with you,
until the end of time. is more about your own grief than anything that has
energy. You eventually fall into exhaustion, but after
been done to you in the past.
a short rest you are up again.
Wombtwin survivors: an introduction
Self abuse by participating in activities that they are incapable of. Wombtwin survivors
push their bodies to the limit. They work hard, never ceasing in their activities
Wombtwin survivors abuse their bodies, but few of them see it as self abuse. If
and ideas for more projects. In their race away from pain, they may be driven to
you live an unhealthy lifestyle or eat an unhealthy diet, then you are not looking
exhaustion, injury or even death.
after yourself properly. That is a lack of self-care and can be considered as self-
Some wombtwin survivors feel a compulsion to cut themselves. Although
neglect. Neglect is after all an important aspect of child abuse and the abuse
cutting yourself causes bleeding and pain and leaves you scarred for life, the
of prisoners, yet when we talk about self-neglect it seems to be a stupid, but
commonest reaction is shame. Self harming takes place in a cycle of shame,
nevertheless quite natural, thing to do.
where the self-harm causes shame and the
Some wombtwin survivors take self
shame leads to further cutting, which is done
neglect to such an extent that they die. Anorexia Abortion survivor
in secret. The cycle is exactly the same as in
and eating disorders generally are visibly self-
In the waste of incoherent dreams binge-eating disorder, where the consumption
abusive, but the obese adult, struggling through
I came near you to feel your fear. of too much food causes shame which triggers
the days, burdened their own addiction to
I knew not what the fear was, or even if it was mine. off another binge. Self-injury is rapidly taking
food, does not see this as self neglect. Surely,
Then the terror engulfed me and I was helpless in the waves, over from eating disorders as a serious mental
overeating is self indulgence - yet this kind of
Drowning in a tide of pain I felt and yet did not feel. and physical health problem among women.
self indulgence will kill you.
And I died again and again, daring to live Self-injurers commonly report that they
Wombtwin survivors often end up in
a little longer and a little longer….. feel empty inside, lonely, not understood by
abusive or exploitative relationships. In fact they
others and fearful of intimate relationships.
seem to be attracted to the very people who will
I had no voice to demand the end of terror, to make it stop. They have an insatiable need for love and
abuse them. Yet they hang in there and remain
No voice to speak the terrible words that would bring shame; acceptance. There is no doubt in my mind that
in the relationship long after the situation has
No voice and no images to speak of, only silence in my heart they are wombtwin survivors who have been
become truly dangerous. Some wombtwin
Where beat the strong, slow cry abandoned by their wombtwin, who was lost in
survivor children are bullied, particularly those
of terrible revenge, screaming down the years. an early miscarriage.
who are overweight. It is widely known that to
In many people who hurt themselves, scars
stand up to the bully is to end the bullying, but
My silence was held through ignorance; or visible cuts, bruises or wounds produce
wombtwin survivors donʼt try to fix it. As abuse
Yet a slight, small image came fleetingly to mind feelings of shame. Bruises, bald spots, and
is piled upon them, it seems to becomes a useful
When half-distracted by an early morning reverie… other visible marks from self harm can be just
vehicle for that prevailing, incoherent sense of
At that time SOMEONE came to me as embarrassing as scars. If you cut yourself
emotional pain that is so much part of being a
who is a stranger and yet a friend; you may feel different, crazy or abnormal.
wombtwin survivor.
Into that place of unknowing there came I believe that there is in fact a rational
Wombtwin survivors may take risks with
One I knew as I know myself who is me and yet not me: and intelligent reason why wombtwin survivors
their lives. At least, they hold their lives cheap
One who shared with me a closeness never since regained; secretly scar themselves in this way. Self-abuse
compared with the lives of others. They gladly
A silent touch that will never return. is a physical echo of an emotional wound; a
risk their own health and strength, even their
Now in silence I must dream coded message from long ago in the womb.
lives, to save the life of another.
of things I can never have remembered; This is how the pain in the Dream is kept alive.
However, they may take others with them
Now in silence I listen to my body speaking to me
to death and injury if they choose to drink and
about love and pain and death.
drive. They may persuade people to take risks
Wombtwin survivors: an introduction
The helpless victim They fear that they are, deep down, quite different from other people. They fear
that an inhuman monster lies within them that must be caged and carefully
Helplessness is born of fear and the quickest way to become a victim is to be
controlled. In a compulsive re-enactment of their Dream of the Womb, they
afraid. Some wombtwin survivors fear a loss of identity, particularly in a
may act in a monstrous, inhuman way, which is designed to drive other people
crowd or in the dark in the middle of the night. It is all very terrifying and
to reject them as “unacceptable”. Then the “helpless victim” is clear to see: the
accompanied by a sense of being totally helpless, as if held in the thrall of some
powerful master of a private universe is suddenly very small and vulnerable.
powerful presence, to whom they are inseparably bonded for life.
If you have ever been there, be reassured
One way to try not to feel helpless in that
that that “helpless” feeling is not yours, it is in
situation, is to create a very small world in which you
On pain of death some way “borrowed” from your wombtwin. In
are the all-powerful one and stay inside it always.
I shall never escape...... the tangle of feelings and impressions that is the
This is how, in an interesting reincarnation of the
My head is burning with unapproachable light; Dream of the Womb, it is almost impossible to tell
cramped womb space in which they lived for so
I dream longingly of flames that burn elsewhere; which feelings are your own and which have been
long alone and suffering in their loneliness, some
I am cold as death, here waiting for you. picked up in empathy from your wombtwin.
wombtwin survivors create a personal world which
I long with all my being to be in the place of death with you. Why would a tall, strong man persist in
is almost totally private. It is a safe place to go
In that death is my healing, wholeness and refreshment: believing that he is imprisoned by duties? Why
whenever things get too difficult. I will dive and swim through the cold, pure waters of death! would he so often feel helpless when in truth he is
Now if you fear that you do not exist in the I must endure, I can endure, I will endure. as powerful and free as the next man? Why would
eyes of others, you need people to see you and
Death and pain live on, eternal friends and lovers a resolute and determined woman persistently
remind you that you do exist. It is important to be
Entangled, intertwined, lonely people both: resign herself to being the victim in a relationship
highly visible but still you must not be seen in your
Separate lives joined by the tender thread of pain. where she submits daily to physical beatings
helplessness and vulnerability. Further, if you need
and insults? This contradictory, self-sabotaging
also to be master of your own little kingdom, then I am waiting to be filled but you do not return:
Where did you go, lost spirit of the dead? behaviour, which is so characteristic of wombtwin
you must keep everyone else at bay. This is just one
I sensed your ghost once, near me survivors, is more clearly understood if we see it
example of the conflicted, tangled and contradictory
-A reassuring presence in the dark- in terms of in a sense of you “becoming your own
inner world of the wombtwin survivor. You must
Yet I never knew you and you died not knowing me: wombtwin.”
seem to be emperor of all things yet somewhere deep
A tragedy of immense proportion Nothing creates a greater sense of
down you fear that you are a helpless, neglected and
an eternal pain too great to grasp! helplessness in a wombtwin survivor than being
hideous thing.
A disappointed yearning; an endless howl of longing; left alone, abandoned or unwanted. They have
This sense of a “neglected and hideous thing”
A space never to be filled; a pain never to be healed. such a low tolerance of any style of rejection that
may in fact be a vague impression of the dead body
I will pretend you were not there; they either are far too anxious to please, or test every
of your wombtwin, hanging somewhere nearby.
I will say you were never there; relationship to breaking point. Yet paradoxically,
Having developed abnormally and no longer
I will not feel desire. wombtwin survivors are more often rejected
recognisable as human, it was human for long enough
than other people, which they find very hard to
for you to become aware of Someone Else, who may My pain will go down into Hades with my desire attached.
I will never feel pain again! understand.
have been your friend. Wombtwin survivors of this
Now I am purified in death, I feel nothing The reason is quite simple: in a subtle way
scenario are really afraid of throwing light on the
I am free of pain, I do not feel....... they are inviting rejection, almost as if to prove
truth of this contradiction because they fear knowing
Now I am dead too. themselves right: they are a monster after all.
the truth about themselves.
Wombtwin survivors: an introduction
Anger and rage
Letʼs talk about rage. Thatʼs not the exasperation you feel when the toothpaste
tube is squeezed in the middle one more time: its not A really good episode of rage feels wonderfully powerful. You may need an
even the resentment you feel when you are insulted excuse for it, just to make it socially acceptable, such
The Forsaken
by someone who you know is worth no more or less as a football match or racial hatred. You may need
Rise up-- to acknowledge some physical symptoms as your
than yourself. Rage is primitive, overwhelming and We the forsaken, the forlorn--
totally irrational. rage is suppressed. It can be quite astonishing when
Loved through our grief
If you “do rage” on a regular basis then you Loving our grief, wombtwin survivors discover the true extent of the
will be told you “have a problem”. People will Our only connection to the unborn. rage inside them, and the fact that rage is closely
say that your anger is quite unreasonable and must The physical moment, in fullness allied to some extremely painful feelings.
Sought forever, into infinity Your rage is your pain unmasked. It is after
be controlled more stringently. Perhaps for that Knowing spirit is stronger, its touch surer
reason you donʼt even get as far as expressing it, all a better feeling to experience some kind of hatred
But reaching, yet reaching and stretching and yearning
and it ferments inside you for ages, until you let it and reaching beyond infinity, and resentment than to be filled with unbearable pain.
go in some foolish, self-sabotaging and extremely Rage and anger makes pain bearable. The rage that
To bring to ourselves an impossibility wombtwin survivors feel is against the Way Things
destructive way. OUR impossibility, our own, never to be taken from us
Then you are left in two minds: it was great to No, not by all the hands from all the worlds Are. After all, they have been subjected to traumatic
have a moment to vent your spleen, but the results stretched forth to retrieve; experiences when they were at their most delicate
are so bad that you wish you had exerted better self No, not by all the saints of all universes known and unknown; and senstitive. The deepest part of their brains have
No! not by God, by force, by reason, by imagining or even shame- been hard-wired to constantly re-experience trauma.
control. You end up feeling ashamed of your anger.
Worse still, you may avoid the shame by No! They must stand witness to the unlikely, The only way to survive this is to feel rage.
insisting that your rage was quite justified. Then What some would call the unholy and the unforgivable, So try and strip your rage down to the
This reaching, rendering the impossible entirely possible, fundamentals with the ruthless application of logic.
people will insist that you ought to be ashamed of
yourself and you need psychological help. They may And lovely, loving, shining, real, oh, so real-- Show yourself how totally inappropriate your anger
even send you to anger management classes, where Emerging from the lost vastness is. Other people will not hestitate to point this out,
Into light, into relief and dimensional form, so try listening to them. At the same time, recognise
everyone learns to scream and cry and let their real Real as the earth and the skies of all universes,
emotions fly, while you sit and seethe at the sheer the pain you feel and know that no one is making you
More real--Not shaded by perceptions
indignity of having to be there and watch. Of physical eyes; perceived by all senses, feel the pain: it is your own.
But what is rage for? Would it be possible to everywhere-- You are sometimes made aware of your own
find a rational, intelligent - even loving reason for Shining, shining, not with light pain by the things that happen or what other people
But with real being--vivid, not with color-- say. The wombtwin healing work is all about shining
this overwhelming, intense and murderous feeling? But the vividness of being real before anything heretofore
Well, rage has with in it festering nodules of light into the dark, hidden places of your mind and
imagined--
hatred; a white-heat desire to rid the world of the So real, all onlookers are dulled by comparison pouring loving on it all.
assumed source of the rage and an overpowering As they all can clearly see-- If you pour love upon your rage, then you
urge to react with as much noise and violence as Real beyond belief, will see the pain and know the reason for it. That is
Yet none doubting the healing.
your normal inhibitions will allow. In rage, normally For finally, one dimension of clarity
mild-mannered people suddenly lash out and destroy; In accord, with not one denial--
teenagers attempt suicide; people kill one another. So clearly, universally real.
Wombtwin survivors: an introduction
The truth about hate are different, such as negroes or tramps. She prevents you from having contact
with them, telling you that they are to be “avoided at all costs.” There is nothing
Now letʼs look at the truth about your feelings of hate. If you think you do not
that says you have to believe what you are told. My experience of curiosity in
hate anyone, then read on. We will look at what hate is, and how easily it can be
the average child is that, if something is forbidden, it at once becomes attractive!
healed and transformed. This is doing the “hate work.”
Hate divides people from one another. It splits partnerships. It destroys
In my view, hate is the disappointed expectation of love. It has within it the
groups. It acts counter to loving kindness. The universal outcome of hatred is to
despair of never knowing love with a certain individual; it holds the pain of love
destroy relationships. The end result of hating is to be alone. Only people who
given but not received. It contains the feelings of being nothing, of no account,
feel a deep unspoken and un-realised need to feel alone would bother to spend
when in the presence of this person. It has within it the powerlessness of being
time hating, and I believe that is what hate is for. People who want to be with
with someone who knows no boundaries to their own selfish desires.
others in close and loving relationship will never get that if they hate.
Hating is annihilation where the sense of self is utterly absent, even
You cannot learn to hate, but of course hate has an important role in
eroded by the mere presence of the person. The pain lies in the desire for
society. Hatred expressed as hot, vengeful anger is a useful response to abuse.
relationship. This is why hate drives people apart; for only when apart can the
If a parent abuses his or her power over a child, then hate is a healthy response.
hopeless longing for closeness be expressed. Hate is therefore the sense of
The vindictive, vengeful feelings that arise out of abuse have within them the
being abandoned in a place without love; to be utterly forsaken and lost. This of
desire to use oneʼs own power to get back at the one who has hurt you.
course neatly creates the Dream of the Womb.
If you never attempt to get back at your abuser, then you will remain
It seems that we hate in order to express
feeling completely overpowered and helpless.
something about loneliness. Wombtwin survivors
Monster Doing the “hate work” is an important step towards
suffer a deep sense of isolation and loneliness that lies
healing and the regaining of personal power and
somewhere beyond memory. They may choose to Black-eyed monster, sitting, (g)lowering,
self respect. Wombtwin survivors tend towards
remember this, by recreating that lack of the close twin Still and silent, I know not why.
angry hatred as a response to invasion or the abuse
relationship, simply by feeling divided from a loved Colours around me, expressive but wordless,
of power.
one by hatred. It is as though wombtwin survivors Orange and black, angry and sad.
Hatred expressed as cold, unfeeling
need to feel hated in order to express something vague Oppression and darkness, worry and sadness.
withdrawal from a relationship is a useful way to
from the other side of memory. Negative images have haunted my psyche;
keep a relationship with another person but test out
It takes a lot of energy to continually invent Pictures of nothingness, haunting and cold.
their commitment to their relationship with you.
reasons to go on hating someone who shows all
Yet why should that be? A withdrawn silence will tempt the other
the signs of loving you very much. Alternatively if
There is no reason that I can see. to come toward you with protestations of love in
someone hates you, the smallest dose of compassion
Those colours are feelings, tinges of grief, order to win you over. In this way it is safe to hate,
or kindness can heal it almost at once. Hatred is so
Tendrils of something unremembered – but there. because you will never be completely alone. The
easily overcome by the tiniest act of kindness that it
hate work requires that you build enough trust in
is extraordinary that so many people say they hate. There, there, my child.
relationships not to test them in this way.
There has to be more to the question of hate than to Find comfort and healing
If there is someone you hate absolutely,
say, as many do, that hate is instilled or taught by in the love that surrounds you
then decide: how much do you want to have a
adults. – yet is not seen.
relationship with them?
Can you learn to hate? Letʼs say that you have a For the love that surrounds you is not tarnished
Donʼt waste energy on a relationship you
bigoted mother who hates some people in society who – but clean.
donʼt care about. Let it die.
Wombtwin survivors: an introduction
Shame and survivor guilt
Paranoid
If you are always trying to anticipate circumstances where your shame may
Pride, is it said, is the “father of all sin.” I would put it differently. It is the father be revealed in order to take avoiding action, then the first casualty of this war
of all negativity. Now I donʼt mean the pride of a father for a son, or the pride against imagined shadows will be trust. The negative place where wombtwin
one may feel about receiving the Nobel Peace Prize: what I mean here is the survivors live their lives is a deliberate choice. Given the chance to be positive
deliberate concealment of shame by denial. The state of pride is a fearful, rigid, about other people or the world, they will refuse. To be open and non-defensive
paranoid kind of place. seems like being utterly vulnerable. Terrible things may
It seems as if some wombtwin survivors have an happen if you are vulnerable - like your wombtwin.
amorphous fear within them that defies explanation and Wretched Pride comes before a fall, so a fall is built into the very
wonʼt go away. Thatʼs a hard thing to make sense of. To A lost identical twin concept of pride. Anyone who gets too full of himself
be afraid of being “found out” is a bit like being afraid will eventually end up face down in the mud - which is
While walking down the street the other day
to stand out, or even to exist. So here is a new way of It struck me that my life had all but slipped away exactly what he wants to happen.
looking at pride: it is the denial of a fear of being “found They struck me right between the eyes Truth and shame
out.” Being found out means to be ashamed. Therefore, Those living lies To put truth into shame means not to be afraid to reveal
pride is the cover for shame. the soft underbelly of your personality. Own up;
For I was dead and shrunken, grey and small
Fearful stand up and tell the truth. You have no need to go on
Disguised as an india rubber ball
This proud denial is a deceitful way of dealing with constantly breaking rules of your own making, just in
Disguised
shame. If you deny feeling shame then you are blinding a fake. order to give yourself something to be ashamed of. The
yourself to the consequences of your actions. You may And the spirit sang in the tree ability to admit the truth of your shame is a great virtue.
pretend that the shameful thing you are doing (or not But not in me It is a bottomless hole in your life into which you can
doing) isnʼt happening. Alternatively, you may pretend pour away all your self-hate.
Could I take life roughly in my grasp
that the thing you are doing (or choosing not to do) is The shame trip
Pull it here and there against its will
nothing to be ashamed of. Wombtwin survivors can feel ashamed of anything
I am so still
Rigid I would command at all; they are forever apologising. They are always
The concealment of shame by denial imposes a kind say life thou wilt return feeling guilty about nothing and everything. It seems to
of paralysis on the person attempting to conceal it. By unto me me that wombtwin survivors are looking for things to
adopting “standards” as artificial, rigid structures that unto me be ashamed of. If there isnʼt anything, they will invent
must be maintained at all costs, it is possible to create whoʼs he? something.
a kind of “smoke screen” of self-righteous activity that Wombtwin survivors vary a lot in their take on
Or could I twist myself about
conceals the shame beneath. Perfectionism is a good To make a hole shame, but whichever way you look at it, they are all
example of this. This shamois leather on a shame trip. Some wombtwin surviors try to be
This rigidity, maintained by fear of being my desert perfect, so they can avoid feeling ashamed. Others will
discovered, acts counter to change and personal this weightless, leaden shape deliberately choose to act outrageously so that people
progression. Every path you may wish to take in order To let the water in will accuse them of behaving shamefully.
to fulfill your life is blocked by some rigid structure that To fill with life, Simply, wombtwin survivors are ashamed of being
you have created for yourself. If you are a proud person with life again the one who survived. If we see shame as rooted in
you cannot be fulfilled, relaxed or joyful. If you live in Amen, Amen (by Nick Owen) survivor guilt, then it all makes perfect sense.
a rather inhibited world, your pride is getting in the way.
Wombtwin survivors: an introduction