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Family model, parental roles and the couple relationship in the family of
origin;
Personal and social identity;
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In most cases, after their formation, couples are protected by the so-called
psychological skin, a membrane, an interior defensive system parted by the two
partners, which sustains the couple and balances out the energies and tensions
within, managing the common unconscious phantasms about intimacy, isolation
and autonomy.
Adult partnership is expected to offer a refuge for withdrawal, as well as a
secure base for exploration of one ones being, of his partner and the world
around. (Rayner et al., 2012). Education and models from the family of origin are
major determinants at this stage, all the more that they have functioned
subliminally. We reproduce this experience or we repeat it, it will be manifest
during ones entire existance.
An important stage in the life of a couple is parenthood. The two adults
prepare themselves for taking on new roles, emotionally, as well as socially,
relationally, economically (both parents) and physically (the mother). Once
stepping into parenthood, the child preset role gets activated, and also the
strongly internalized memories of the new parents relationship with his own
parents. Some parents (and especially the young mothers) tend to regard their
children either as an extension of themselves, either as a continuation of the
destinies of their predecessors, according to the physical or caracterial
resemblance of their children. The attachment patterns get reactived, as its only
now that the new adults are enacting either the parenting model of their parents
or its opposite. Like a hot potato, the defective parenting pattern can move a
generation further in the absence of a critical and insightful regard upon ones
own life.
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threatened by his parents and then, growing up, takes the role of a protector or
controller of their parents, for self-protection. Several studies have shown that
parents of disorganized children have lived traumas or losses that have remained
unsolved and the lack of solving them out has led to the development of a
disorganized attachment in these parents children.
The adult manifesting a disorganized pattern of attachment has difficulties in
seeing the other in an undistorted manner. During childhood, they perceived their
parents, most probably, as very threatening. It is also possible that they have
suffered from bad treatment and can be characterized as having significant
disfunctions in their capacity to form emotionally-significant relationships. During
loss-based or abuse-based discussions, these individuals exhibit a memory gap in
rationalization or discourse. They tend to form volatile relationships.
A visual manner of showing the attachment patterns is presented by Hazan &
Shaver (1987):
Fig. 1.
The studies conducted in the US (Sternberg, 1983) have indicated that the
most likely distribution of the three attachment patterns among the general
population is as follows: 62% secure, 23% avoidant and 15% anxious.
As both Bowlby and Main have indicated, referring to the internal work
models, the attachment strategies that ensured the emotional and social survival
of the individual from childhood until adulthood, even if sometimes disfunctional,
have not only not been easily abandoned but will most probably be used to
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preserve the internal models and the structure of the inner world of the adult
individual.
It is most likely that these models will be perpetuated transgenerationally in
the sense that (if one refers to the positive attachment model, the secure one)
the secure child becomes a secure adult who, as a parent, will raise secure
children. (Wallin, 2010). The metacognitive implies our capacity to take a
distance / to make relative our cognitions about ourselves and about the others
(I am an easy to forget person versus I am a person that often feels easily
forgettable). Similarly, the metacognitive monitoring implies a reflexive and
constantly alert standing towards our cognitions. Although Mary Main has
identified a positive correlation between metacognitions and the secure
attachment, she could not state the primacy of one on the other.
In a similar way to Mary Main, Peter Fonagy has been attracted by the study
of mentalization, of humansreflexive ability (thinking about what one thinks and
feels thoughts, wishes, feelings, beliefs) which render the behaviours intelligible
and full of meaning. Thus, the reflexive function is tightly linked to our capacity of
insight and empathy. (Wallin, 2010). The studies and experiments conducted by
Fonagy on the (not exclusive) basis of the Reflexive Functioning Scale have
indicated that an increased mentalization capacity of the parents, measured
before they become adults, is a good predictor of these parentscapacity to raise
children that will develop secure attachment patterns. Moreover, the secure
attachment is a fundamental condition for the development of the mentalization
capacity and of the reflexive function these children will exhibit later in life. This
discovery has led Fonagy to consider mentalization as a crucial component of
attachment and to grant pshychotherapy the role of repairing the mentalization
capacity of the adult person.
2.2. THE ATTACHMENT RELATIONSHIP AND ADULT LIFE. COUPLE AND LOVE.
The three main patterns of attachment influence the working models for the
self and its close relationships. (Hazan, Shaver, 1987). Thus, the secure type
believes in long-lasting love, considering that people deserve to be trusted, and
also believes that they can be liked by the others. This type considers that
mothers are caring and responsible.
The avoidant type doubts about the duration of love and considers that he
does not need a partner in order to be happy. For him, the mother generally is a
cold and distant person.
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The anxious type falls in love quickly and easily, but can hardly find true love,
especially because, for him, the mother represents a mix of positive and negative
feelings. Also, the anxious person doubts himself more that the other two types,
although he does not repress or hide his insecurity feelings.
The three attachment types have different beliefs on the course of romantic
love, the availability and trust of their partners and their own merit for being
loved. These beliefs are part of a cycle (vicious in the case of people with insecure
attachment), in which the experiences influence beliefs about oneself and the
others, and these beliefs in turn influence the behaviours and the results of their
actions.
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close ones and secondary resources / capacities, which are formed, and moreover
are put in practice in the social and professional relationships.
The two sets of resources include:
Primary capacities: patience, time, contact, trust, hope, tenderness
(sexuality), love (acceptance), belief (meaning).
Secondary capacities: order, cleanliness, punctuality, politeness, honesty
(sincerity), industriousness, seriousness, wariness, obedience, justice,
loyalty.
All positive psychotherapists agree that both sets of personal resources have
equal importance for the individual who, without either one of them, would be
cripple, in the sense that the primary and secondary resources are compared
with the human legs. Undeveloped and unutilized in the same way, the leg that
one uses the most gets tired and the individual walks through life with difficulty.
The strategy of the five steps of the holistic treatment in positive
psychotherapy is a therapeutic strategy mixing psychotherapy and self-help. A
supplementary goal of positive therapists is to achieve an as efficient as possible
conflict-oriented endeavour. The strategy is split in 5 parts or steps, as follows:
observation-distancing,
taking
inventory,
situational
encouragement,
verbalization, expansion of goals.
As a psycho-dynamic approach, positive psychotherapy is equally interested in
present as well as past, through the potential of explaining and contributing to
find a solution for present problems. In this way, starting with the balance model,
positive psychotherapy works with two stances: the present (current conflict)
and the past (basic conflict).
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The study at the center of this paper was conducted focused on a part of of
the aforementioned resources, the ones having a closer relationship with
attachment and love. The values they can have range from 3 (minimum) and 12
(maximum). Conventionally, these values were grouped in three intervals: 3-5, 69, 10-12. The optimum interval is 6-9, which implies a balanced development of
ones capacities. 3-5 (their underdevelopment) and 10-12 (overdevelopment) can
become potential sources of intra- and inter-relational conflict.
The researche per se stems from the theoretical principles described before:
features of adulthood, patterns of attachment and the positive psychotherapy
approach.
3.1. STUDY OBJECTIVES
The research had three main objectives:
1. Identification of current attachment patterns in adult age and their
assessment through the attachment patterns formed in early childhood.
2. Exploration of differences among the identified attachment patterns
based on socio-demographic variables (gender, age, social status).
3. Evaluation of the efficiency of intervention methods on disfunctional
attachment patterns from the perspective of and through the methods of
positive psychotherapy.
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3.3. VARIABLES
3.4. PARTICIPANTS
The study has been conducted using a sample of 83 respondents. In the first
stage, they have completed the Wiesbaden Inventory, which has evaluated
individuals on the model dimensions, primary and secondary current capacities,
the ability for social and emotional relationing and own modalities to face stress.
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Gender (N=83)
M
24 (29%)
Age (N = 83)
20-24
30 (36%)
Marital status (N = 83) Married
45 (54%)
With children (N = 83) Yes
35 (42%)
F
59 (71%)
25-35
47 (57%)
Unmarried
38 (46%)
No
48 (58%)
36+
6 (7%)
The evaluation of individual attachment styles has an orientative value only, because it
has not entirely been identified using the Adult Attachment Interview technique.
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The following qualitative and quantitative instruments were used in the study:
Quantitative:
Wiesbaden Inventory, a descriptive-evaluative tool, central to positive
psyhchotherapy. The inventory is used in all 25 countries where positive
psyhchotherapy method is present. The questiinnaire has 88 lickert-scale
questions (from total agree to total disagree).
The questionnaire was self-completed in 20 minutes per respondent.
Qualitative:
Adult Attachment Interview Protocol, designed by Mary Main, to guide some
of the group sessions (the ones aiming at identifying the attachment patterns).
The AAI includes questions to support identification of potential traumatic early
childhood relationshps of the patients with their parents and other significant
persons.
The 5-steps model (observation-distancing, taking inventory, situational
encouragement, verbalization, expansion of goals), a central tool in positive
psychotherapy, was used for structuring the therapy sessions.
The ten sessions were structured as follows:
Session 1: introduction of researcher and the project, explanation of the tools,
ensurance of confidentiality. Session 2 (observation-distancing): discussions on
Wiesbaden inventory results, choice of the attachment area to work on during the
group sessions,
Session 3 (taking inventory): Participants, two by two, discuss questionnaire
results, and then present them to the group at large. This sharing session proved
to be highly beneficial to the group sessions overall.
Session 4 (situational encouragement): participants were encouraged to find
solutions to currently unresolved issues, based on solutions employed by them for
similar problems in the past (cloning the success). The focal point has been the
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The intervals among which the scores can range are: 3-5 (minimum,
underdevelopment), 6-9 (balanced development, optimum level) and 10-12
(overdevelopment).
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higher level of cold scores registered with the father (21.7%), without any
significant differences on demographics. Lastly, the relationship with the father
tends to be more balanced overall.
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6. FINAL CONSIDERATIONS
The present work has two important merits:
- Application of both quantitative and qualitative research methods to the
field of psychotherapy.
- Contribution with relevant information for the demonstration of the
efficiency of positive psychotherapy, somehow less known in Romania.
Among its limitations, one can number the relatively small size of the group
participants (12 people of the initial 83), which has made the full test-retest quasiimpossible. The theme approached in this paper would require further research
on larger sample sizes and a wider team of therapists. One can also include here
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the need to assess distribution of the attachment patterns across the Romanian
population, as only US figures are currently available.
In conclusion, this piece of research indicated that, irrespective of the
profoundness and sensitivity of the topic, each person has in herself the potential
to change to the better. This vision is fully represented in Bowlbys constant
preoccupation for identifying of the home feeling of every person: Thsi
permanent potential for change indicates that, in none of our life moments, a
person is invulnerable in the face of difficulty; and, at the same time, indicates
that, in any moment of her life, a person can be receptive to favourable influences.
It is this potential for change that provides the possibility for an efficient therapy.
(Bowlby, 2011).
The field of attachment is as rich and rewarding for a researcher as it is
difficult to investigate via scientific research. The next directions for study can
become reflection themes in themselves, in such a way that they are to be
approached in a less holistic manner than this study has managed to achieve.
Linking the results of this study to its theoretical premises, one can
preliminarily conclude that the transmission of the empatic capacities are not just
the mothers responsibility; both parents have roles identifiable within both sets
of resources (primary and secondary). The immediate implication lies in the loss
of / separation from one of the parents; in this case, the other parent can take
over also on transmitting both emotional and rational values, abilities and
behaviours to the child., without creeping the child.
Regarding family ethics, the study has shown the capital importance of childs
perception onto the parental relationship and the way this perception influences
childs own couple relationship in the adult age. It is possible that parents with
disfunctional relationships that choose not to divorce just for the sake of their
children, actually do no favour to them, but just provide disfunctional relationship
model children have no choice than to model themselves in adulthood.
Two hundred years ago, Schopenhauer wrote about the hedgehogs parable:
in a cold winter day, a group of hedgehogs was sitting one atop the other to
prevent the group from freezing. But in this way they could feel the piches of the
others thorns, which made them stay apart. Then, because of the cold, they
reunited. The group of hedgehogs continued to move this way, from one source
of discomfort to the other, until they found the right distance allowing them to
benefit entirely from the resources of the warm hedgehog community.
Too close it is painful. Too far apart it is cold. And their individual and
mutual well-being is a permanent adjustment to the poles of the huge magnet
their relationship represents. Although Schopenhauer, as well as Freud, have used
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this hedgehog dilemma to explain introversion and isolation, a lot of people talk
about the danger of holding an idillic view on closeness and distancing. How close
it is too close? People struggle for a lifetime to find out what is the right distance
to find the other significant person without losing themselves.
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