InterpersonalSkills

TrainingManual
CorporateTrainingMaterials

TABLE OF CONTENTS

ModuleOne:GettingStarted...............................................................................................................5
WorkshopObjectives................................................................................................................................5
PreAssignmentReview............................................................................................................................6
ModuleTwo:VerbalCommunicationSkills..........................................................................................7
ListeningandHearing:TheyArenttheSameThing................................................................................7
AskingQuestions......................................................................................................................................8
CommunicatingwithPower.....................................................................................................................9
ModuleThree:NonVerbalCommunicationSkills..............................................................................11
BodyLanguage.......................................................................................................................................11
TheSignalsYouSendtoOthers..............................................................................................................12
ItsNotWhatYouSay,ItsHowYouSayIt.............................................................................................13
ModuleFour:MakingSmallTalkandMovingBeyond........................................................................15
StartingaConversation..........................................................................................................................15
TheFourLevelsofConversation.............................................................................................................17
ModuleFive:MovingtheConversationAlong....................................................................................19
AskingforExamples................................................................................................................................19
UsingRepetition.....................................................................................................................................20
UsingSummaryQuestions......................................................................................................................21
AskingforClarityandCompleteness......................................................................................................22
ModuleSix:RememberingNames.....................................................................................................23
CreatingaPowerfulIntroduction...........................................................................................................23
UsingMnemonics...................................................................................................................................24
UhOhIveForgottenYourName.........................................................................................................24

ModuleSeven:InfluencingSkills........................................................................................................26
SeeingtheOtherSide..............................................................................................................................26
BuildingaBridge.....................................................................................................................................27
GivingInWithoutGivingUp...................................................................................................................28
ModuleEight:BringingPeopletoYourSide.......................................................................................30
ADashofEmotion..................................................................................................................................30
PlentyofFacts.........................................................................................................................................31
BringingItAllTogether...........................................................................................................................32
ModuleNine:SharingYourOpinion...................................................................................................33
UsingIMessages....................................................................................................................................33
DisagreeingConstructively.....................................................................................................................34
BuildingConsensus.................................................................................................................................35
ModuleTen:NegotiationBasics.........................................................................................................36
Preparation.............................................................................................................................................36
Opening..................................................................................................................................................38
Bargaining..............................................................................................................................................38
Closing....................................................................................................................................................39
ModuleEleven:MakinganImpact.....................................................................................................41
CreatingaPowerfulFirstImpression......................................................................................................41
AssessingaSituation..............................................................................................................................42
BeingZealouswithoutBeingOffensive..................................................................................................43
ModuleTwelve:WrappingUp............................................................................................................44
WordsfromtheWise..............................................................................................................................44
ParkingLot..................................................................................................Error!Bookmarknotdefined.
ActionPlansandEvaluations......................................................................Error!Bookmarknotdefined.

Interdependence is and ought to be as

much an ideal of man as selfsufficiency.
Man is a social being.
Mohandas Gandhi
Module One: Getting Started
WelcometotheInterpersonalSkillsworkshop.Weveallmetthat
dynamic,charismaticpersonthatjusthasawaywithothers,and
hasawayofbeingremembered.Thisworkshopwillhelp
participantsworktowardsbeingthatunforgettablepersonby
providingcommunicationskills,negotiationtechniques,tipson
makinganimpact,andadviceonnetworkingandstarting
conversations.

Workshop Objectives
Researchhasconsistentlydemonstratedthatwhencleargoalsareassociatedwith
learningthatthelearningoccursmoreeasilyandrapidly.Withthatinmind,lets
reviewourgoalsfortoday.
Bytheendofthisworkshop,participantswillbeableto:

Understandthedifferencebetweenhearingandlistening

Knowsomewaystoimprovetheverbalskillsofaskingquestionsandcommunicatingwith
power.

Understandwhatnonverbalcommunicationisandhowitcanenhanceinterpersonal
relationships.

Identifytheskillsneededinstartingaconversation,movingaconversationalong,and
progressingtohigherlevelsofconversation.

Identifywaysofcreatingapowerfulintroduction,rememberingnames,andmanagingsituations
whenyouveforgottensomeonesname.

Understandhowseeingtheotherside,buildingbridgesandgivinginwithoutgivingupcan
improveskillsininfluencingotherpeople.

Understandhowtheuseoffactsandemotionscanhelpbringpeopletoyourside.

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Identifywaysofsharingonesopinionsconstructively.

Learntipsinpreparingforanegotiation,openinganegotiation,bargaining,andclosinga
negotiation.

Learntipsinmakinganimpactthroughpowerfulfirstimpressions,situationassessment,and
beingzealouswithoutbeingoffensive.

PreAssignment Review
ThepurposeofthePreAssignmentistogetyouthinkingabouttheInterpersonal
Skillsyouarealreadypracticingandwhereyouneedtoimprove.
Asapreassignment,weaskyoutothinkofasocialsituationthatyouconsidermost
stressful.Thissituationcanbewithinanemployment,community,family,or
recreationalsetting.Example:introducingonesselftostrangers.
Aftercomingupwiththesocialsituationfindthemoststressful,weaskyoutoanswerthefollowing
questions:
1. Whataspectofthissituationdoyoufindmoststressful?Why?
2. Whatdoyouthinkaretheinterpersonalskillsneededinordertosuccessfullynavigatethis
situation?Listdownatleastthree.
3. Onascaleof1to5,with1beingtheleasteffectiveand5beingthemost,rateyour
effectivenessinpracticingtheskillsyoulisted.
4. Lookingatyourresponses,whichskillsdoyoupracticemosteffectively?Whathelpsyouin
practicingtheseskillswell?
5. Whichskillsdoyoupracticeleasteffectively?Whatkeepsyoufrompracticingtheseskillswell?

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The problem with communication is the

illusion that it has been accomplished.
George Bernard Shaw
Module Two: Verbal Communication Skills
Wordsarepowerfultoolsofcommunication.Indeed,wordchoice
caneasilyinfluencethethoughts,attitudes,andbehaviorofthe
peoplelisteningtous.Similarly,properattentiontothelanguageof
otherscangiveusinsighttowhatitisthattheyarereallysaying,
helpingustorespondappropriatelyandeffectively.
Inthismodule,wewilldiscussimportantverbalcommunicationskills
liketheartoflistening,askingquestions,andcommunicatingwith
power.

Listening and Hearing: They Arent the Same Thing

Mostpeoplecanhear,butfewcanreallylisten.
Hearingissimplytheprocessofperceivingsoundswithinourenvironment.The
bestwaytoillustratehearingisthroughthebiologicalprocessesinvolvedin
sensoryperception.Specifically:ourearspickupsoundwavesaroundus,sends
signalstoourbrain,andourbraininturntellsuswhatthesoundisandwhereitis
comingfrom.
Listening,ontheotherhand,goesbeyondsimplypickingupstimuliaroundus,andidentifyingwhat
thesestimuliare.Listeninginvolvestheextrastepsofreallyunderstandingwhatweheard,andgivingit
deliberateattentionandthoughtfulconsideration.Itmaybesaidthatlisteninginvolvesamoreactive
participationfromapersonthansimplyhearing.
Hereisanexampletoillustratethedifferencebetweenhearingandlistening:
Asecretaryenteredherbossofficeandpresentedherbosswithacopyofthescheduleforthenextday.
Thesecretarytoldthebossthatshehasapackeddayfortomorrow,andthatsheonlyhasanhourof
breaktimeforthewholeafternoon.
Theboss,busystudyingareport,merelynoddedtothesecretary,andmotionedforhertoplacethe
scheduleonherdesk.Thebosscontinuedtostudythereportasiftherewerenointerruption.Inthis

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case,thebosssimplyheardwhatthesecretarysaid;thebosspaidjustenoughattentiontomakean
appropriatebutnoncommittalreaction.
Hadthebossbeenlistening,herreactionwouldhavebeendifferent.
Shewouldhavesetasidethereportshewasreadingandpaid100%attentiontowhatthesecretarywas
saying.Shecouldalsohaveprocessedtheimplicationofthemessage.Forinstance,uponlearningthat
shehasapackeddayahead,shecouldhavearrangedforherlunchtobedelivered,ornotedtoherself
thatsheneedstogetagoodnightssleep.
Takingtheextrasteptomovefromhearingtolisteningcanenhanceapersonsinterpersonal
relationshipsinmanyways.Listeningpromotesamoreaccurateanddeeperunderstandingofapersons
communication,helpingarespondertoprovidethemostappropriateresponse.Butmoreso,when
yourelisteningtoaperson,youcommunicatetothemthatyouvaluenotjustwhattheyaresaying,but
theirpresenceaswell.

Asking Questions
Ifcommunicationistheexchangeofinformationbetweentwoormorepeople,then
questionsareawaytoelicitthespecificinformationthatyouarelookingfor.But
moreso,wellcraftedquestionsmakeforanengagingconversation.Itcanestablish
rapport,sparkinterestandcuriosityothers,breaknewgrounds,andcommunicate
yourownsincerityinlearningwhatpeoplearoundyouhastosay.
Herearesometipsinaskingquestionseffectively:

Ask!Firstofall,dontbeafraidtoaskquestions!Sometimesshyness,concernovermakinga
fauxpas,orfearofbeingperceivedasabusybody,cankeepusfromaskingquestions.While
somesubjectmattersarenotappropriateconversationpiecesintheearlystagesofa
conversation(wewilldiscussthislater,inthesectiononLevelsofConversation.),theres
nothingwronginaskingquestionsperse.Startwithyourinherentcuriosityaboutpeople,if
youregenuinelyinterestedinaperson,youwontrunoutofthingstoask.

Askopenquestions.Therearetwokindsofquestionsbasedonthescopeoftheanswersthey
elicit:closedandopenquestions.

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Closedquestionsarequestionsanswerablebyyesorno.Example:Areyouhappy
withtodayspresentation?

Openquestions,ontheotherhand,arequestionsthatrequireaqualifiedresponse.
Openquestionsareusuallyprecededbywho,when,where,what,how,andwhy.
Example:Whatisitabouttodayspresentationthatyoufindmostengaging?

Openquestionsaremoreeffectivethanclosedquestionsbecausetheyevoke
thoughtfulconsiderationofthesubjectandcreativethinking.

Askpurposefulquestions.Therearedifferentreasonswhyweaskquestions,anditisimportant
thatwetakenoteofourpurposeinaskingaquestion.Doingsocanhelpusframeourquestions
better,andkeepthequestionsrelevant.
Forexample,wecanaskquestionswiththegoalofmakingtheotherpersonfeelatease.
Questionsliketheseshouldbephrasedinapleasant,nonthreateningmanner,andinvolves
subjectsthattheotherpersonislikelytobeinterestedin.Example:Thatsalovelyblouse!
Wheredidyougetit?
Somequestionsaredesignedtochallengetheotherpersonsthinking,andencouragealively
debateordeliberation.Questionsliketheseshouldbephrasedinawaythatisfocusedand
processoriented.Itcanalsochallengeexistingassumptionsaboutthesubjectmatter.Example:
Howdoyouthinkaleadercanbettermotivatehisteam?
Inothertimes,questionsaremeanttoencourageapersontojoinanexistingdiscussion.The
goalofthesequestionsistoinviteparticipation,asmuchasgaininformation.Example:Ifind
Matthewsapproachveryrefreshing.Whatdoyouthink,Frank?
Forbettereffectiveness,thinkofwhatyouandthepersonyouretalkingtoneedsinyourstage
ofrelationship,andaskhimorherquestionsthatcanaddressthatneed.

Communicating with Power

Powerincommunicationreferstotheabilitytoinfluence,persuade,ormakean
impact.Apowerfulcommunicationisassociatedwithselfconfidence,credibility,and
effectiveness.
Thefollowingaresomewaysyoucancommunicatewithpowerverbally:

Sticktothepoint.Powerfulcommunicationisnotaboutsayingasmanythingsasyoucanina
givenperiodoftime.Rather,itisaboutstickingtowhatisrelevanttothediscussion,andgetting
yourmessageacrossintheshortestbutmostimpactladenwaypossible.Getridoffillers
likeuhm,youknow,oractuallyinyourdelivery,andavoidofftopicstatements.Just
providethebarebonestheideasyouraudiencewouldbemostinterestedinknowing,orthe
onesthatpromoteyourintentionsbest.

Dontbetoocasual.Notethatphrasingappropriatewhentalkingwithfriendsisnotnecessarily
appropriateforbusinessrelatedmeets.Theuseofslang,streettalk,andpoorgrammarcan
detractfromyourcredibility,especiallyifyoureminglingwithpotentialclients,employers,and

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businesspartners.Eventsthatrequireyoutocomeacrossasimpressivemayrequiretheuseof
industryspecificjargonandaformaltonesoadjustaccordingly.

Emphasizekeyideas.Stressthehighlightsofyourcommunication.Forexample,peoplewhoare
deliveringasalespitchshouldemphasizethemainfeaturesoftheirproductorservice.Those
whoarepresentingtheiropiniononanissueshouldexplainthecruxoftheirarguments,and
buildfromthere.Evenifyouremerelyexpressinginterestorcongratulations,makesurethe
personyouretalkingtowouldrememberwhatyouhavetosay.Emphasisinverbal
communicationcomesinmanyways,includingrepetitionofkeypoints,givingspecificexamples,
accentingparticularadjectivesornouns,orevendirectlysayingthatthisisreallyapointIwant
toemphasize.

Tailorfityourcommunicationtoyouraudience.Apowerfulcommunicationisonethat
connectswithonesaudience.Inthiscase,mindingthereadiness,attention,age,and
educationallevelofyouraudienceisveryimportant,sothatyoudontoverwhelmor
underwhelmthem.Socialskillsareprimarilyaboutflexibility;thebetteryoucanadjustto
changesinyouraudienceprofile,thebetteroffyoullbe.

Connect.Powerincommunicationissometimesdeterminedbythequalityofyourrapportwith
others.Youmayneedtowarmupyouraudience,makethemcomfortable,andshowthem
thatyousincerelywanttotalkwiththem.Themoreothersseeyouasoneofthem,thebetter
theirreceptionofanythingthatyouhavetosaywillbe.
Yournonverbalcommunicationcanbeabighelpinconnectingwithothers.

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Fluency in nonverbal communication can

be as powerful a tool as masterful
negotiating techniques or expert
salesmanship.
Joe Navarro
Module Three: NonVerbal Communication Skills
Communicationisnotjustaboutwhatcomesoutofourmouths.In
fact,whatwedontsayourbodylanguage,voiceintonationand
useofsilenceoftensendsaloudermessagetootherpeoplethan
thewordswesay.Unlessweactivelypracticenonverbal
communicationskills,wecantreallybesureifwereactuallysending
themessagethatwewanttosend.

Body Language
Bodylanguagereferstothemessageswesendtootherpeoplethroughour
posture,facialexpression,gestures,andbodilymovements.
Itisbelievedthatalistenerpaysmoreattentiontobodylanguagethanverbal
messages.Thisimpliesthatifonesbodylanguageisinconsistentwiththeverbal
messagebeingsent(e.g.frowningwhilesayingyourehappy),theverbalmessage
becomeslesscredible.Infact,suchinconsistencycanevennullifytheverbalmessage,andresulttothe
verbalmessagebeingperceivedasalie.Attheveryleast,inconsistenciesbetweenverbalandnon
verbalcommunicationcanresultinconfusion.
Thefollowingaresomeofthecomponentsofbodylanguage:

EyeContact:Eyecontactisconsideredoneofthemostimportantaspectsofnonverbal
communication.Steadyeyecontactoftenindicatesattentiontothepersononeisin
conversationwith,aswellasawillingnessandsinceritytoconnect.Thelackofeyeconnectcan
beviewedasdefensiveness,nervousnessandorsocialwithdrawal.Manysaythatoureyesare
thewindowstooursoul,andthatonecantellifanindividualishappy,sad,orangrysimplyby
lookingattheireyes.

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FacialExpression:Itisbelievedthatthereareuniversalfacialexpressionsfordifferent
emotions,mostofwhichhaveanevolutionarybasis.Forexample,angerisoftenindicatedby
sharpstares,crunchedeyebrowsandthebaringofteeth.Sadness,ontheotherhand,canbe
denotedbytearyeyesanddroopinglips.Notethoughthattheexpressionandperceptionof
emotionstendtovaryfromculturetoculture.

Posture:Thewaywesitdown,standuporevenwalkcanalsocommunicate.Forexample,
slumpinginachairisoftenconsideredasasignofinattentionandordisrespect.Walkingwith
onesheadandshouldersdowncanbeinterpretedasasignofnervousnessorlowselfesteem.
Withdrawingtoafetalpositioncanalsobeindicativeoffearandordepression.Thepuffingof
oneschesthasbeentraditionallyinterpretedaspride.

SpecificMovements:Therearespecificmovementsthathavetraditionallybeenassociatedwith
certainmessages.Forexample,noddingisgenerallyasignofassentoragreement.Raising
clenchedhandsareinterpretedasasignofangrychallenge.Stompingourfeetcanbean
indicationoffrustration.

PhysicalContact:Thewaywephysicallyinteractwithotherpeopleisalsoapartofbody
language.Shakingofhands,hugging,slapping,punchingareformsofcommunication.Thesame
canbesaidaboutourphysicalclosenessanddistancewithanotherperson.Standingtooclose
toapersoncanbeconsideredasaninvasionofboundaries,whilestandingtoofarfroma
personcanbeconstruedasavoidance.

The Signals You Send to Others

Generally,ournonverbalcommunicationissomethingthatwedounconsciously.It
canbeinfluencedbymanythings,includingpasthabits,lifeexperiences,personal
models,cultureandhiddenthoughtsandfeelings.Becausebodylanguageisoften
outsideofawareness,mosthavenoideawhatitisexactlythattheyare
communicatingtootherpeople.
Totakecontrolofthesignalsthatwesendtoothers,itsimportantthatwebecomemuchmore
deliberateandpurposiveincommunicatingnonverbally.
Thefollowingaresometipsandtechniquesyoucanfollowtobeabletousebodylanguageeffectively.

Increaseyourawarenessofyourbodylanguage.Trytogetmoreinformationaboutwhatyou
communicatenonverbally,sothatyouwillknowwhattochangeandwhattoretain.Waysyou
candothisinclude:watchingavideotapeofyourself,studyingyourselfinfrontofamirror,and
gettingfeedbackfrompeersandfriends.

Knowhowcertainbehaviorsaretypicallyinterpreted.Interpretingbodylanguagecanbevery
subjective.Thereare,however,typicalinterpretationstospecificbodylanguage.Increasing

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awarenessofwhatbodylanguageisoftenassociatedwithwhatinterpretation,canhelpaperson
avoidbodylanguageincongruenceswiththemessagetheywanttosend;aswellasdeliberately
practicethebodylanguagecongruentwiththeirmessage.
Practice!Practice!Practice!Bodylanguageisaskill.Initially,usingbodylanguagethatis
congruentwiththemessagethatwewanttocommunicatewillfeelunnatural.Butjustkeepon
workingonit.Soon,itllbesecondnaturetoyou!

Its Not What You Say, Its How You Say It

Nonverbalcommunicationalsoincludesthewaywedeliverinformation.Asimple
changeintoneandinflectioncanchangethemeaningofstatements.Itisimportant
then,tobeawareofthewaywespeak,sothatwecancommunicatemoreeffectively.
Thefollowingareaspectsofhowwesaythingsthatweshouldtakenoteof:

ToneofVoice:Voiceintonationreferstotheuseofchangingpitchinordertoconveya
message.Thesamemessage,forexample,canbedeliveredusingarisingintonation,adipping
intonation,orafallingintonation.Changesintonecanhelpinjectemotionsintomessages;
messagescanbeupbeatordepressingdependingonthespeakerstone.Changesintonecan
alsohelpidentifywhatisthepurposeofasentence.Thereareintonationsthatbetterfita
question,andintonationsthatbetterfitadeclarativesentence.

StressandEmphasis:Changingwhichwordsorsyllablesyouputemphasisoncanchangeits
meaning.Forexample,considerthedifferencesamongthesethreestatementsbelow.The
italicizedwordrepresentswheretheemphasisis.
o

Youmeanhedisobeyedhismother?

Youmeanhedisobeyedhismother?

Youmeanhedisobeyedhismother?

PaceandRhythm:Thespeedofspeech,aswellastheappropriateuseofpausescanchangethe
meaningofwordsspoken,andaffecttheclarityandeffectivenessofacommunication.For
instance,peoplewhospeaktoofastcanbedifficulttotalktoalistenermightfeeltoo
pressuredtocatcheverythingthattheyhavetosay!Ontheotherhand,apersonwhospeaks
tooslowlycanboretheirlistener.

Volume:Howsoftlyandhowloudlyyouspeakalsomattersincommunication.Ideally,one
shouldgenerallyspeakinamoderatevolumewhileinthecompanyofothers;atoosoftavoice
cancommunicatenervousnessorlackofassertiveness,whilealoudvoicecancommunication
angerandaggression.Apersonshouldalsobeflexible,abletowhisperorshoutwhenits
appropriatetodoso.

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PronunciationandEnunciation.Howwellamessagecomesacrossisinfluencedby
pronunciationandenunciation.Pronunciationreferstospeakingawordinawaythats
generallyacceptedorunderstood,whileenunciationistheactofspeakingclearlyandconcisely.
Developingonesskillsinpronunciationandenunciationensuresthatoneisaccurately
understood.Notethataccentscancausevarietiesinwhatisconsideredasacceptable
pronunciation.

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Conversation is the fine art of mutual

consideration and communication about
matters of common interest that basically
have some human importance.
Ordway Tead
Module Four: Making Small Talk and Moving Beyond
Smalltalkistheicebreakingpartofaconversation;itistheway
strangerscaneaseintocomfortablerapportwithoneanother.
Masteringtheartofsmalltalkandhowtobuildfromthisstage
canopenmanypersonalandprofessionaldoors.Inthismodule,
wewilldiscusshowtostartaconversation,aswellashowto
skillfullyeaseourconversationstartersintodeeperlevelsoftalk.

Starting a Conversation
Manypeopleareinterestedininitiatingfriendshipsandproductivebusiness
networks,buttheydontknowhowtostart.Indeed,goinguptoastrangerand
makinganintroductioncanbeincrediblyanxietyprovokingforsomepeople.The
samegoeswithfindingsomethingtotalkaboutwithsomeoneyoualreadyknow,
butarenotfamiliarwith.
Thefollowingaresometipsinstartingaconversation:

Understandwhatholdsyouback.Thefirststepindevelopingconversationskillsisto
understandwhatfactorsattitudes,feelings,andassumptionsinterfereinyourabilityto
skillfullyhandleaconversation.Isitshyness?Fearofrejection?Difficultyindealingwithpersons
inauthority?Awarenessofwhatholdsyoubackcanhelpyoumanageyouranxietiesbetter,and
giveyoumorecontroloverhowyouhandleyourselfduringsocialsituations.

Knowwhatyouhavetooffer.Inthesamewaythatyouhavetomakeaninventoryofyour
weaknessesduringsocialsituations,youalsohavetotakestockofyourstrengths.Confidencein
initiatingconversationsdoesnotbeginwithknowingwhattriedandtestedlinesareoutthere.
Itstartswithasincerebeliefthatyouhavesomethingtocontributetoadiscussion,andthat

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peoplewouldfinditapleasantexperiencetogettoknowyou.Ifyouhavethisselfassurance,
youcanbemoreateaseandmorenaturalaroundotherpeople.

Beinterestedaboutpeople.Genuinecuriosityandopennessmakesstartingaconversationless
threatening;itgrantsincentivetoapproachpeople.
Cultivatetheattitudethatmeetingpeopleisanenrichingexperience.Itshouldntbethathard;
thismantragoesbeyondselftalk.Manyfindthatyoucanactuallylearnalotaboutyourself,
aboutlifeandaboutvarioussubjectmatters,justbysimplyengaginginconstantconversation.
Andremember:beinginterestedinapeopledoesntendafteryouvespenttimewiththem.
Eventhoseyouvespentyearswithcanstilltellyousomethingyoudontknow!

Createanarsenalofconversationstarters.Forpeoplenotusedtoskillfullyhandling
conversations,thefirstfewtriescanfeelawkward.Whileyourestillfindingyourfooting,you
canrelyonsomerecommendedconversationstarters.Amongthemare:
o

Introduceyourself.Themoststraightforwardwaytostartaconversationistooffer
yournameandyourhand.Bymakingthefirstmoveinbreakingsilence,youre
sendingtheotherpersonaninvitationintoconversation.Ifyoucanmakethe
introductionwithasmile,better.

Commentonsomethinginyourimmediatesurroundings,maybethelocation,orthe
eventyoubothareattending.Thingsthatyoubothcanrelatewitharegood
conversationstarters,asitdoesnotalienateanyone.Example:Itsreallycrowded
tonight,isntit?

Commentonsomethingtheotherpersonorpeoplewouldfindinteresting.For
example,ifyouretalkingwithsomeoneknownforhisorherartcollection,youmay
callattentiontoanartpiecewithinyourvicinity,orinformhimaboutanexhibityou
heardabout.Example:HeyBob,IjustheardthattheNationalMuseumishostinga
Renaissanceweek.

Andifyouhavenopriorknowledgeaboutthepersonyouwanttostrikeaconversationwith,
youcantakeaguessattheirinterestsbysubtlycheckingwhattheyarelookingat,orstudying
theirappearance.Example:Thatsalovelybrooch.Itlookslikeanantique.

Relax.Beyourselfisgenerallygoodadviceforhandlingsocialsituations.Conversationsare
morecomfortableandengagingifparticipantssimplyrelax,andlettheirpersonalitiesdothe
talking.Dontpressureyourselfcomingupwithsomethingfunny,clever,ornew.Scriptsare
okaywhileyourestilldevelopingyoursocialskills,butmakesureyoualsogiveconversations
yourpersonaltouch!

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The Four Levels of Conversation

Therealartofconversationisnotonlytosaytherightthingattherightplace,butto
leaveunsaidthewrongthingattemptingmoment.Itrequiressensitivitytothestage
ofarelationship,thecontextoftheconversationandthecomfortleveloftheperson
youaretalkingto.
Thereare4levelsofconversationbasedonthedegreeandamountofpersonal
disclosure.Theyare:
1. SmallTalk:Thisiscommonlyreferredtoastheexchangeofpleasantriesstage.Inthislevel,
youtalkonlyaboutgenerictopics,subjectsthatalmosteveryoneiscomfortablediscussing.
Thesesubjectsincludetheweather,thelocationyourebothinandcurrentevents.
Thesmalltalkstageestablishesrapport;itmakesapersonfeelateasewithyou.Itsalsoasafe
andneutralavenueforpeopletosubtlysizeuponeanother,andexploreifitsaconversation
orrelationshipthattheydwanttoinvestin.
Ifthesmalltalkgoeswell,youcanproceedintothenextlevel:factdisclosure.
2. FactDisclosure:Inthisstage,youtelltheotherpersonsomefactsaboutyousuchasyourjob,
yourareaofresidence,andyourinterests.
Thisisagettingtoknowstage,anditaimstoseeifyouhavesomethingincommonwiththe
otherperson.Itsalsoasignalthatyouareopeningupalittlebittotheotherpersonwhilestill
stayingonneutraltopics.
Ifthefactdisclosurestagegoeswell,youcanproceedtosharingviewpointsandopinions.
3. ViewpointsandOpinions:Inthisstageoftheconversation,youcanofferwhatyouthinkabout
varioustopicslikepolitics,thenewbusinessmodeloreventhelatestblockbuster.Ithelps
thentoreadandbecuriousaboutmanythings,frompoliticstoentertainmenttocurrent
events.
Sharingviewpointsandopinionsrequirethebufferingeffectofthefirsttwostagesfortwo
reasons:
o

First,apersonneedsrapportwithanotherbeforetheycandiscusspotentially
contentiousstatements,eveniftheyrehavingahealthydebate.

Second,sharingviewpointsandopinionsopensapersontothescrutinyofanother,
andthisrequiresthatthereissomelevelofsafetyandtrustinarelationship.

Thecontroversial,andthereforepotentiallyoffensive,natureofanopinionexistsinarange;
makesurethatyouremainwithinthesafezoneintheearlystagesofyourrelationship.

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4. PersonalFeelings:Thefourthstageisdisclosureandacknowledgmentofpersonalfeelings.For
instanceyoucanshareaboutyourexcitementforthenewproject,oryourworryaboutyour
sonsupcomingpianorecital.Dependingonthecontextandthelevelofthefriendship,youcan
disclosemorepersonalsubjects.Thisstagerequirestrust,rapport,andevenagenuine
friendship,becauseoftheintimatenatureofthesubject.
Differentpeoplehavedifferentcomfortlevelswhenitcomestodisclosingfeelings,andthere
arecaseswhenyoudneedseveralconversationsbeforetheywouldtrustenoughtoopen
themselves.Insomecases,younevergettothisstage.Justmakesuretobesensitiveandtest
theotherpersonsreadinessbeforeopeninganintimatetopic.
Listeningisvitalinallstagesoftheconversationbutespeciallysointhisfourthstage.Listenwith
empathyandunderstandingtoacknowledgethatyouheardthefeelingthattheyhaveshared.

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A man who listens because he has nothing

to say can hardly be a source of inspiration.
The only listening that counts is that of a
talker who alternately absorbs and
expresses ideas.
Agnes Repplier
Module Five: Moving the Conversation Along
Initiatingaconversationisoneinterpersonalskill,maintainingitis
another.Anengagingandeffectiveconversationisonethatflows
andgoesforward.Tobeabletokeepaconversationfrombeing
stuck,itsbesttoknowtechniquesinmovingaconversationalong.In
thismodulewewilldiscusstechniqueslikeaskingforexamples,using
repetition,usingsummaryquestions,andaskingforclarityand
completeness.

Asking for Examples

Onewaytogetaconversationpartnertoelaborateonwhattheyaresharing
withyouistoaskforexamples.Examplesmakeaspecificgeneralstatement,
andgiveaninsightontheparticularsofadisclosure.Itcanalsoserveto
illustrateprinciplesshared,orpersonalizedanexperience.
The following conversation excerpts illustrate how asking for examples can
moveaconversationalong:
Excerpt1
PersonA:C.S.Lewisisoneofmyalltimefavoritewriters.
PersonB:C.S.Lewis?Iamnotfamiliarwithhiswork.Couldyougiveanexampleofwhathehasdone?
PersonA:Well,hewrotetheChroniclesofNarnia.Itsachildrensserieswithsevenbooks.Ifinditvery
inspiring.

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Excerpt2
PersonA:Thisisagreatcompanytoworkfor.Theyreallycareabouttheiremployees.
PersonB:Inwhatwaysdotheycareforthestaff?
PersonA:Well,theirmedicalaidprogramisagoodexampleofhowtheyprioritizehealthandsecurity.
AllABCCompanyemployeesareregisteredwithaprivateinsurancefirmfromtheirfirstdayofwork.
PersonB:Wow.Thatsverygenerous.Inwhatotherwaysaretheyemployeeoriented?
PersonA:Thestaffmembersarealsoscheduledforanannualweeklongretreat,allexpensespaidfor
bycompany.

Using Repetition
Questionsarenottheonlypowerfultoolsthatyoucanusetokeepaconversation
going.Repeatingcertainwords,phrases,orevenstatementsthataperson
disclosestoyoucanalsomaintainthemomentumofyourtalk,orurgeittoanew
direction.
Inwhatwaycanrepetitionkeepaconversationgoing?
Repetitioncanbeawayofsayingpleasegoonortellmemore.Itisatechniqueofacknowledging
thatyouhaveheardwhattheotherpersonsaid,andorsomethingabouttheirdisclosurehaspicked
yourattention.Itisanencouragementforthemtoelaborate.
Repetitionisalsoawayoffocusingaconversationonaninterestingaspect.Yourchoiceofwhatword,
phrase,orstatementtorepeatsignalstotheotherpersonwhatyoudliketohearmoreabout.Oneway
youcanusethistechniquetoyouradvantageistorepeataword,phraseorstatementthatyoufeelhas
alotmorestorytoit.Youmayalsozeroinonwhatyouthinktheotherpersonlikestotalkaboutmore,
orwhatyouyourselffindintriguing.
Lastly,repetitioncanalsobeawayofcommunicatingyourreactiontowhattheotherpersonsaid.
Varyingtheintonationandpitchofyourvoicecaninjectyourrepetitionwithemotionsofsurprise,
shock,excitement,orconfusion.
Thefollowingconversationexcerptsillustratehowrepetitioncanmoveaconversationalong:
Excerpt1:
PersonA:MarkandIhavebeenmarriedfor40yearsnow.WellberenewingourvowsonApril.
PersonB:Fortyyears.
Person A: Yes. Amazing, isnt it? It wasnt always easy but we made it through. Very few people who
marriedthesametimeasusarestilltogethernow.Iknowamoneoftheluckyones.
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Excerpt2:
PersonA:Icantbelieveit!Theguysthrewmeasurpriseparty.
PersonB:Theguysthrewyouabirthdayparty.
PersonA:Yes!Itreallymademyday.
Note that in repetition you dont necessarily have to repeat the same exact phase. You can make
changesnecessarytomaketherepetitionmoreeffective.

Using Summary Questions

Anotherwaytokeepaconversationmovingistosummarizewhathasbeen
discussed,orwhatyouheardfromtheotherperson,everynowandthen.
Asummarycancommunicatethatyouarereallylistening,andthatyouhavetaken
stockofeverythingtheotherpersonhassaid.Moreso,itgivesasenseofmovement
totheconversation,becausesummariessaythatonepartoftheconversationisover,
andthatitstimetomoveontoanotherpart.
Notethatinrepetitionyoudontnecessarilyhavetorepeatthesameexactphase.Youcanmake
changesnecessarytomaketherepetitionmoreeffective.
Thefollowingconversationexcerptsillustratehowsummaryquestionscanmoveaconversationalong:
Excerpt1:
PersonA:Imreallygearedupforthiscomingmarathon!Ichangedmydiet,hiredatrainer,andIve
beenpracticing34hoursaday.Iveneverfeltmoreinshape;IfeelthatIhavearealshotatwinning
this!
PersonB:So,yourereallyinvestedinthismarathon,isthisyouresaying?
Person A: Yes. Amazing, isnt it? It wasnt always easy but we made it through. Very few people who
marriedthesametimeasusarestilltogethernow.Iknowamoneoftheluckyones.
Excerpt2:
PersonA:Iwantthisprojecttobetheoneofthemostsuccessfulforthistrimester.Wevehadarunof
bad luck the past month, and we need a big break to recoup it all. Judging by the projections the
accountingdepartmentmade,Ithinkwererightontrack!
PersonB:Thatsgreat!HowcanIhelp?
PersonA:Weneedadesignperson.Youregoodatart,right?Canyoumakeusalogo?
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PersonB:Sure.JustgivemethespecsyouwantandImonit.
PersonA:Andapamphletaswell?Onethathasallofthecompanycolorsinit.Samewiththelogo!
PersonB:Noproblem.LetmeseeifIunderstoodyouright.Youneedapamphletandalogowiththe
companycolorsinit.Isthiscorrect?
PersonA:Thatsit.Thanks!

Asking for Clarity and Completeness

Heresanotherwayofmovingaconversationalong:askingforclarityand
completeness.
Itisimportanttoverifyyourunderstandingofacommunication,andseeifyou
haveaccurateandorcompleteinformation.Often,aspeakerpresumesthatheor
sheisunderstood,andthereforetendstomissoncertaindetails.Theymaythink
thattheyhavethesameframeofreferencewiththeotherperson,andconsequentlydoesnotneedto
expandonthemeaningoftheirstatements.Attimes,intenseemotions,likeexcitementcanresultin
lackofclarityandcompletenessincommunication.
Askingforclarityandcompletenesscangiveyourconversationdepthandrichnessofidea.Itcanalso
communicateyoursinceredesiretounderstandwhattheotherpersonissaying.
The following conversation excerpt illustrates how asking for clarity and completeness can move a
conversationalong:
Excerpt1:
PersonA:My7yearolddaughterwantstobecomeanactress!Shesbeenbeggingmetoenrollherin
thisintensiveactingcommunityworkshop,butImafraiditwilljustspoilher.
PersonB:Idontunderstand.Whatdoyoumeanbyitwilljustspoilher?
PersonA:YouknowIthinkitwillindulgehertoomuch.Iwanthertogrowupdisciplinedbyschooland
householdchores.Idontwanthertobelikemanyyoungstarsnowadays,whodoesntseemtoknow
whatsrealandwhatsnot.
PersonB:IthinkIunderstandwhatyoumean.Areyousayingthatshellmissthenormaldemandsof
everydaythatkeepspeoplegrounded?
PersonA:Exactly!

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If names are not correct, language will not

be in accordance with the truth of things.
Confucius
Module Six: Remembering Names
WriterandlecturerDaleCarnegieoncesaidthataperson'sname
tohimorheristhesweetestandmostimportantsoundinany
language."Whenweaddresspeoplebyname,wearetellingthem
thatwerespectthem,considerthemasimportant,recognizetheir
individuality,andwarmlyrelatewiththem.Ifyouwanttobeableto
cultivatemanyfunctionalfriendshipsandworkingpartnerships,you
needtheabilityofrememberingnames.

Creating a Powerful Introduction

Threestepstointroducingyourselfeffectively:
1. Projectwarmthandconfidence.Manypeoplesizeyouupevenbeforeyou
sayaword,whichiswhyitsimportanttomindyourbodylanguage.When
youintroduceyourself,standupstraight,relax,andestablisheyecontact.
2. Stateyourfirstnameandyourlastname.Dependingonthesituation,youmayalsostateyour
affiliationandoryourpositioninthecompany.Example:Hello.ImJacquelineSmith.Imthe
QualityControlOfficer.
3. Whentheotherpersonhasgiventheirname,repeatitinacknowledgment.Itsnicetomeet
you,Mr.Andrews.orItsnicetomeetyou,Joseph.Repeatingtheirnameisan
acknowledgmentthatyouheardtheirintroduction.

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Using Mnemonics
Onetechniquethathas been known toworkinhelpingimproverecallistheuseof
mnemonicdevices.Mnemonicdevicesarewaysofconceptualizingideasthataimto
organizearbitrarythingsintomeaningfuldata.Thingsthatseemrandomareharder
toremember;mnemonicdeviceshelporganizeideasinourminds.
Hereareexamplesofmnemonicdevicesyoucanuseinnamerecall:

ClusteringbyCategories:Groupingtheitemsthatyouneedtorememberintocategoriescan
helpyourememberthembetter.Forexample,tomemorizealistofcontacts,groupthemby
companyorbyprofession.

VisualizingInteractiveImages:Somepeoplememorizebetterwhentheycreateasceneintheir
headswherealltheitemsthattheyhavetorememberareinteractingwitheachotherinsome
activeway.Forexample,ifyouhavetoremembertoMark,JosephandMartha,imaginea
BiblicalJosephbeingservedteabyMarthaStewartwhilehesplayingtargetshooting(thebulls
eyecanremindyouofthesynonymmark)

Acronyms:Thisisamethodwhereyoudeviseawordorexpressioninwhicheachofitsletters
standforaname.AnexampleisSALEforSally,Andrew,LouiseandEster

Acrostics:Thismnemonicdevicefollowsthesamelogicasacronymsexceptthatoneformsa
sentenceratherthanasinglewordtohelponeremembernewwords.Forexampleonemight
rememberallbabiescryloudlyforAllan,Betty,ChrisandLisa.

UhOhIve Forgotten Your Name

Mostofushavebeentherebefore:asituationwhensomeonesayshitous,butwe
haveabsolutelynoideawhoistalkingtous.Atbestwedjustfeelawkwardand
embarrassed;atworse,wemightendupoffendingtheotherperson.Tomanage
bettersituationslikethis,itisrecommendedthatyou:

Understandwhyyouforgetnames.Often,forgettingnamesisnotabout
memoryproblemsitsaboutattitudeproblems.Perhapsyoudontthink
rememberingnamesisimportant.Maybeyoudonttrustyourabilityto
managealistofnamesinyourhead.Oritspossiblethatyougeteasilynervousinsocial
situations,youtendtomentallyblankout.Identifywhatholdsyoubackfromremembering
peoplesname.Exertadeliberateefforttoimproveyourrateofnamerecall.Itisonlywhenyou
haveanopenattitudethatnamerecallbecomeseasy.

Askathirdparty.Onewayyoucanavoidshowingyourmemorylapseistoseekathirdpersons
helpsubtly.Ifyouseeafaceinacrowdthatlooksfamiliar,butwhosenameyoucantrecall,ask

Page24

afriend:Hey,doyouknowthewomanattheback?Alittleresearchpriortowalkinguptoa
personcanhelpyoupreventapotentiallyembarrassingsituation.

Askforacard.Askingforacallingcardcanbeawaytosubtlygettheotherpersonsname.For
example,youcansay:Hey,IdontthinkIhaveyourcardyet,heresmine.

Introduceotherpeopletothem.Ifyouhavepeopleyouknowaroundyou,whydontyou
initiateanintroduction?ForinstanceyoucansayHey,haveyoumetmyfriendMark?Markisa
PRinthiscompany.Politenesswouldtypicallycompelthepersontointroducehimselfor
herselftoMark,andyoucancatchtheirnameatthatpoint.

Behonest.Andifyoureallycantrecallwhothepersonis,andtheotherpersonappears
amiableenough,thenperhapsyoucancomeclean.Youcansay:Imsorry;Iknowthatweve
met,butIseemtohaveforgottenyourname.Youmayalsoaddsomedetailsthatyoudo
remember,toeasetheeffectofyourmemoryloss.Wemetinthecompanydinner,right,last
September?Youwerewithyourlovelychildren.Hopefully,theotherpersoncanempathizewith
yourdistressandreintroducethemselves.

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It takes tremendous discipline to control

the influence, the power you have over
other peoples lives.
Clint Eastwood
Module Seven: Influencing Skills
Theskillofinfluencingothersisavaluableassettohave;itcanhelpus
sellproductsandideas,convincepeopleandinstitutionstoassistus,
andevengettheworldtochange!Afterall,whilewedonthavethe
powertocontrolotherpeople,wecanalwaysdoourbestto
persuadethem.
Inthismodule,wewilldiscusshowtoimproveourinfluencingskills.
Particularly,wewilldiscusstechniqueslikeseeingtheotherside,
buildingabridgeandgivinginwithoutgivingup.

Seeing the Other Side

Thefirststepininfluencingotherpeopleisenteringtheirworld.Thismeanssetting
asideyourownpointofview,andlookingatthesituationfromanotherpersons
perspective.Remember,eachpersonisunique,andconsequentlyseestheworld
differently.Youcantalwaysassumethatwhatscleartoyouiscleartothepeople
youaretalkingto.
Inshort,youhavetobeabletoanswerthisquestionforthem:whatsinitforme?
Seeingtheothersideinvolvesknowingwhatareimportanttotheotherperson(s):theirvalues,
interests,andpreferences.Dotheyhavestrongfeelingsagainstwhatyouarepitchingtothem?What
wouldittaketoforthemtogetovertheirresistance?Whataretheircharacteristicspersonalitytraits,
socialstatus,orprofessionsthatcanyouuseinordertomakeyourpointmoreconvincing?
Research,activelistening,andkeenobservationcanhelpyouinseeingtheotherside.
Considerthisexample:
Howdoyouconvincecitybased,workingmotherstoplantmedicinalplantsinsteadofbuyingfactory
madepharmaceuticals?

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Ifyouarenotpracticingtheskillofseeingtheotherside,youmightbetemptedtoarguethathaving
medicinesreadilyavailableinthehomeismoreconvenientthanhavingtoruntothepharmacyevery
timesomeoneissick.
Butthisargumentmaynotbesoconvincingifyouconsidertheworldcitybasedworkingmotherslive
in.Ascitydwellerswithfulltimejobs,workingmotherswouldlikelyfindbuyingfromthepharmacy
muchmoreconvenientthanfindingspaceinanurbanhomeforplants.Moreso,thedemandofhaving
towatertheplantsandexposethemtosunlighteverydayistoomuchaddedresponsibility.
Ontheotherhand,motherswouldalwaysrespondtooneprimevaluetheirchildshealthand
welfare.Workingmothersareoftenthosewhoreluctantlyhavetotakefulltimejobstoprovidefor
theirchildrenduringdifficulttimes,andlikelyfeelbadthattheycantbepresentfortheirkids24/7.If
youcanpresentacaseonhowpollutioninthecityandchemicalbasedfoodanddrugslowerresistance
todiseasesamongchildren,andthatnaturalmedicinesarebothawaytoimprovekidshealthandshow
love,youmaybeabletobuildastrongercaseforplantingmedicinalplantsathome.

Building a Bridge
Asecondskillthatcanhelpyouduringsituationsthatneedpersuasionisbridge
building.
Bridgebuildingistheprocessofincreasingrapportandaffinitybetweenpeople.It
caninvolvemakingtheotherpartyfeelateasetalkingtoyou,gainingtheirtrust,
andidentifyingcommoninterests.
Bridgebuildingisimportantinpersuasionbecausepeoplearemorelikelytoagreewithsomeonethey
like,trust,orseeasoneofthem.Asidefrombridgesimprovingtheoverallcommunicationbetween
twoparties,bridgescanalsoserveasnegotiatinggrounds.Bridgestranslatetocommoninterests,which
canbethefoundationofwinwinscenarios.
Thefollowingaresomeofthewaysyoucanbuildbridgesinyourinterpersonalrelationships:

ActiveListening.Ifyouwanttogainanotherpersonstrust,youhavetocommunicatethatyou
valuetheirpresence,andthatyouareexertingtheefforttounderstandwhattheyaresayingto
you.Listeningattentivelyisawaytodothis.

UseCommonLanguage.Anindirectwayofbuildingbridgesisshowingbyyourwords,manner
ofspeakingandevenbybodylanguage,thatyouareonewiththeotherperson.Forexample,
usebusinesslanguagewhenyourespeakingwiththecompanyCEO,butuselaymenterms
whenspeakingwithbluecollaredworkers.Payattentiontohowtheotherpersonphraseshis
statements;iftheyreformal,beformal,andiftheyrecasual,thenfollowsuit.Similarly,attend
totheirpaceofdoingbusiness.Somepeopleliketorelaxbeforeadeal,othersliketogostraight
tobusiness.Adjustyourapproachaccordingly.

Page27

HighlightSimilarities.Nomatterhowdifferentlytwopeopleappeartheywillalwayshaveat
leastonethingincommon.Ifyouwanttopersuadeaperson,findtheseareasofsimilaritiesand
emphasizethem.Animportantsimilaritytoemphasizeiscommoninterestsgoalsthatyou
bothshare,thattheproposalyourepitchingcanaddress.Thepreviousskillofseeingtheother
sidecanassistyouinthisprocess.

SustainedCommunication.Lastly,consistentandsustainedcommunicationaboutmattersof
interestcanhelpyouininfluencingotherpeople.Ifyoufeelthatthereissignificantresistanceto
youortoyourproposal,ortherearemarkeddifferencesbetweenyouandtheotherperson,
justpersistentlymeetwiththepersonandopencommunicationlines.Sometimes,yourmere
visibilityinanotherpersonscirclecanincreaseyourlikeabilityandcredibility.

Giving In Without Giving Up

Issuesarerarelyblackandwhite.Inmostcases,thereareareaswithina
contentionthatyoucancompromiseupon.Ifyouwanttoimproveyourchances
ofinfluencingotherpeople,bewillingtomakesomeconcessionsevenifits
justatthelevelsofsimplyagreeingtodiffer,agreeingthattheotherpersonhas
arighttotheiropinion,oragreeingthattheotherpersonhasmadea
reasonableargument.
Theskillofgivinginisimportantbecausepeoplegenerallydontwanttodealwithindividualswhose
intentionistowinatallpoints,orbedeclaredrightforthesakeofbeingright.Thismakesthe
relationshipconfrontationalratherthancollaborative.Thediscussionbecomesanargument,andthe
atmosphereturnstense.Ifyouwanttoenhanceyourchancesofwinningsomeoneover,bewillingto
considerandevenagreeuponreasonablerequests.Youmayevenvolunteertotakelossesinareas
youcanaffordtogiveup,aslongasyoudontlosesightofthemaingoal.
Apersonwhoiswillingtogiveinfromtimetotimecomesacrossassensibleandrealistic.Moreover,
concessionscommunicateasinceredesiretodowhatisbestforanotherperson.Attheveryleast,itcan
promoteacultureofquidproquo;Iwillgiveyousomething,ifyougivemesomethinginreturn.
Thetrickliesinchoosingwhatyouwillconcede.Understandably,youdontwanttogiveupand
concedetheverythingyouareselling.Keepsightofthemaingoalandjudgewhatyoucansacrifice
basedonthismaingoal.Ifyoucancreateawinwincompromisebetweenwhatyouwantandwhatthe
otherpersonlikes,better.
Considerthisexample:
Howcanyouconvinceyourbosstoallowyoutotakefreelanceworkoutsideyourcompany
somethingthatyouinitiallyagreednottodo?

Page28

Whatifyourbosstellsyouthatyousignedacontractthatyouwillworkexclusivelyforthem,andthat
youtakingfreelanceworkoutsidethecompanywilljustresultinaconflictofinterest?
Ifyoustartopposingwhatyourbossjustsaidforexampleyouarguethattheyhavenevergivenyou
asingleraisesinceyoustartedfiveyearsagoandtheeconomyhassincechangedchancesare,
youdjustmakeyourbossupsetanddefensive,decreasingyourchancesofinfluencinghimorher.
However,ifyouconcedethatyoudidsignacontract(whichyoudid!),andthatyes,youcanseehow
suchamovecancreateaconflictofinterest,thenyoucanmellowyourbossdown.
Thisdoesntmeanyouvegivenup,however.Youcanfollowyourconcessionbypresentingan
alternativewinwinproposal.Howaboutachangeincontractthatstatesthatyoucanttakefreelance
workfromthecompanysmaincompetitors,andthatyoureobligedtorefertothecompanyanydeal
worth$5000andabove?Thearrangementcangiveyoutheextraincomeyouwant,withouttheconflict
ofinterest.

Page29

The most important persuasion tool you

have in your arsenal is your integrity.
Zig Ziglar
Module Eight: Bringing People to Your Side
Inthepreviousmodule,wediscussedthedifferentwaysyoucan
increaseyourinfluenceoverotherpeople,andsetthestagefor
persuasion.Wewillcontinueonthatthreadinthismodule,and
discussthewaysyoucanbringpeopletoyourside.Particularly,we
willdiscussthepersuasivetechniquesofappealingtoapersons
emotions,reason,andbothemotionandreason.

A Dash of Emotion
Emotionshavealwaysbeenadrivingforceforpeoplesbehavior.Advertisers
appealtoemotionsallthetime;theytellyouthatsoandsobeautyproductcan
makeyoufeelconfidentaroundtheoppositesex,whilesoandsothemepark
canmakeyouforgetallyourworries.Therearethosewhobeginarelationship
basedsolelyonhowtheotherpersonmadethemfeel.Moreso,advocacies,
politicalcampaigns,andevenwarsarewaged,basedonacollectivesenseof
anger,contempt,orinjustice.
Thus,youcanneverunderestimateemotionsasawayofinfluencingandpersuadingotherpeople.
Whyareemotionspowerful?Forone,emotionsheavilyinfluenceapersonssenseofcomfortand
generalstateofwellbeing.Positiveemotionsmakeusfeelgood,whilenegativeemotionsdriveustodo
somethingtomakeusfeelgood.Butmoreso,emotionsconnectallofustothehumansideof
ourselvesalmostallemotionsareuniversalandcancrossrace,religion,age,andsocialstatus.
Howcanyouaddadashofemotiontoyourcommunication?

Focusonpositiveemotionsasbenefits.Ifyouwanttobringapersontoyourside,tellthemhow
goodtheproposalwillmakethemfeel.Forexample:ifyouwanttoconvinceyourspouseto
takeyouonthatdreamvacation,describehowrelaxingadayyoullhave.Ifhecanpictureitin
hismind,thenyouvesucceeded.

Page30

Focusonanegativeemotion,andthenaddacalltoaction.Negativeemotionsarepowerfulin
influencingbehaviorbecausetheybringaboutasenseofdissonanceinaperson.Allpeople
wanttofeelgood,whichiswhyanger,sadness,shock,orindignationdoesntsitwellwithmost.
Anexampleofusinganegativeemotiontobringpeopletoyoursideisdescribingthehorrorof
anaccidentinordertoconvincepeopletoweartheirseatbelts.

Showthatitspersonal.Insteadoffocusingontheotherpersonsemotions,youcanfocuson
communicatingyourown.Aneffectivewaytopersuadeothersistoshowthatyourconvictionis
borneofapersonalexperience,andthatyouareemotionallyattachedtoanidea.Forexample,
showingyourexcitementverballyandnonverballywhileexplaininganidealcanshowthatyou
reallybelieveinwhatyouarepitching.

Tobeabletocommunicateemotioninyourcommunication,youmustuseoneoftheinfluencingskills
discussedearlier:seeingtheotherside.Ifyouknowhowtheotherpersonlooksatthesituation,youwill
knowwhatemotionswillappealtothem.
Emotionscanbecommunicatedthroughbodylanguage(e.g.raisingafisttoshowthatyouareangry),
variationsinvoicepitch,intonationandemphasis,directlysayingwhatyoufeelorwhatyouwantthe
otherpersontofeel,andpaintingapictureofsituationswhereanemotionalresponseisexpected.
Anddontforget:touseemotionseffectively,usetheappropriateamount.Lesscanbemore,sodont
overdoit!

Plenty of Facts
Whileemotionsareapowerfulinfluencetopeoplesbehavior,weallknowthat
peoplearenotjustabundleofemotions.Somesituationsrequireanappealtothe
mindinsteadoftheheart.Aneffectivecommunicationmustmakesense.Moreso,it
musthavebasisinfacts.
Factscreatepersuasiveargumentsbecausethereisnowaytodisputefacts.If
somethingistrue,real,orverifiedbyresearch,ithastobeaccepted.Moreso,presentingfactsin
communicationshowtheextentthatyouhavestudiedasubject,whichinturnshowsthatyouare
seriousinwhatyouaresaying.
Therearetwoskillsthatcanhelpintheuseoffactsduringcommunication.

Thefirstskillistheabilitytoseparatefactfromopinion.Factsareobjectivedata,andcanbe
verifiedbycredibleproceduressuchasempiricalresearchorexpertopinion.Itisconsidered
trueonthebasisofactualevidence.Anopinion,however,isasubjectivestatementthatmaybe
basedonpersonalinterpretation.

Page31

Thesecondskillistheabilitytocreatelogicalargumentsfromfacts.Factscantbedisputed,but
youalsohavetousethemproperlyinordertogivethemimpact.Argumentsfromfactshaveto
followtherulesofdeductiveorinductivereasoning.Forexample,fromtheresearchfindingthat
watchingTVincreasesattentiondeficiencyamongtoddlers,weshouldreduceTVtimefor
toddlersisamorevalidconclusionthanattentiondeficiencydoesntexistfromadults.

ThefollowingisanexampleofacommunicationthatusesfactsIbelieveIdeservethispromotion
becauseIwasabletoincreasethedepartmentsproductivityby12%sinceIheldofficelastyear.

Bringing It All Together

Forbestresults,usebothemotionandfactstoinfluencepeople.Afterall,peopleuse
boththeirheartandmindintheirdailylives,andaddressingbothisamoreholistic
approachtotake.
Thekeyisinbeingconsistent,sothatthereisntadissonancebetweentheemotional
andtherationalsideofyourcommunication.Donecorrectly,appealstoemotioncan
balancethecoldnessofreason,andfactscantemperstrongemotions.
Hereisanexampleofacommunicationthathasemotionsandfactstogether:
Youshouldgetthatweddingdress!Itmakesyoulooklikeaprincessthinkofhowwellitwillflow
whenyouwalkdowntheaisle,thelightsbehindyou.Plus,itsonsale30%off.Itfitsyourbudget
perfectly,leavingyouwithsomeextracashtospendonaccessories.

Page32

To speak and to speak well are two things.

A fool may speak talk, but a wise man
speaks.
Ben Jonson
Module Nine: Sharing Your Opinion
Inanysocialsituation,youareexpectedtocontribute.Sharing
opinionsisawaytopresentyourpersonalitytotheworld,anda
waytocreatetheimagethatyouwanttoproject.Itisalsoan
invitationfortheotherpersontosharetheiropinion,settingthe
stageforanengagingdiscussionordebate.Inthismodule,wewill
discusstheskillsyoucanuseinsharingyouropinion.Particularly,
wewilldiscusshowtouseImessages,disagreeconstructively,and
buildconsensus.

Using IMessages
AnImessageisamessagethatisfocusedonthespeaker.WhenyouuseImessages,
youtakeresponsibilityforyourownfeelingsinsteadofaccusingtheotherpersonof
makingyoufeelacertainway.TheoppositeofanImessageisaYoumessage.
AnImessageiscomposedofthefollowing:

Adescriptionoftheproblemorissue.
Describethepersonsbehavioryouarereactingtoinanobjective,nonblameful,andnon
judgmentalmanner.
When...

Itseffectonyouryouortheorganization.
Describetheconcreteortangibleeffectsofthatbehavior.
Theeffectsare...

Asuggestionforalternativebehavior.
Idprefer...

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HereisanexampleofanImessage:
WhenIhavetowaitoutsidetheofficeanextrahourbecauseyoudidntinformmethatyoud
belate(problem/issue),Ibecomeagitated(effect).Ipreferforyoutosendmeamessageifyou
willnotbeabletomakeit(alternativebehavior).
ThemostimportantfeatureofImessagesisthattheyareneutral.Thereisnoefforttothreaten,argue,
orblameinthesestatements.Youavoidmakingtheotherpersondefensive,astheessenceofanI
messageis"Ihaveaproblem"insteadof"Youhaveaproblem".Thespeakersimplymakesstatements
andtakesfullresponsibilityforhis/herfeelings.

Disagreeing Constructively
Thereisnothingwrongwithdisagreement.Notwopeoplearecompletely
similarthereforeitsinevitablethattheywoulddisagreeonatleastoneissue.
Theresalsonothingwronginhavingapositionanddefendingit.
Tomakethemostofadisagreement,youhavetokeepitconstructive.The
followingaresomeoftheelementsofaconstructivedisagreement:

Solutionfocus.Thedisagreementaimstofindaworkablecompromiseattheendofthe
discussion.

MutualRespect.Evenifthetwopartiesdonotagreewithoneanother,courtesyisalwaysa
priority.

WinWinSolution.Constructivedisagreementisnotgearedtowardsgettingtheoneupon
theotherperson.Thepremiumisalwaysonfindingasolutionthathasbenefitsforbothparties.

ReasonableConcessions.Moreoftenthannot,awinwinsolutionmeansyouwontgetyour
waycompletely.Somedegreeofsacrificeisnecessarytomeettheotherpersonhalfway.In
constructivedisagreement,partiesareopentomakingreasonableconcessionsforthe
negotiationtomoveforward.

LearningFocused.Partiesinconstructivedisagreementseeconflictsasopportunitiestoget
feedbackonhowwellasystemworks,sothatnecessarychangescanbemade.Theyalsoseeit
asachallengetobeflexibleandcreativeincomingupwithsolutionsforeveryonesgain.

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Building Consensus
Consensusmeansunanimousagreementonanareaofcontention.Arrivingata
consensusistheidealresolutionofbargaining.Ifbothpartiescanfindasolution
thatisagreeabletobothofthem,thenangercanbepreventedorreduced.
Thefollowingaresometipsonhowtoarriveataconsensus:

Focusoninterestsratherthanpositions.Surfacetheunderlyingvaluethat
makespeopletakethepositiontheydo.Forexample,theinterestbehindarequestforasalary
increasemaybefinancialsecurity.Ifyoucancommunicatetotheotherpartythatyou
acknowledgethisneed,andwillonlyofferapositionthattakesfinancialsecurityinto
consideration,thenaconsensusismorelikelytohappen.

Exploreoptionstogether.Consensusismorelikelyifbothpartiesareactivelyinvolvedinthe
solutionmakingprocess.Thisensuresthatthereisincreasedcommunicationabouteachpartys
positions.Italsoensuresthatresistancesareaddressed.

Increasesamenessandreducedifferentiation.Aconsensusismorelikelyifyoucanemphasize
allthethingsthatyouandtheotherpartyhaveincommon,andminimizeallthethingsthat
makeyoudifferent.Anincreasedempathycanmakefindingcommoninterestseasier.Itmay
alsoreducepsychologicalbarrierstocompromising.Anexampleofincreasingsamenessand
reducingdifferencesisanemployerandemployeetemporarilysettingasidetheirposition
disparityandlookingattheproblemastwostakeholdersinthesameorganization.

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He who has learned to disagree without

being disagreeable has discovered the most
valuable secret of being a diplomat.
Robert Estabrook
Module Ten: Negotiation Basics
Wecandoourbesttopersuadeotherstooursidebutwhatifthe
otherpartyisasassertive?Thenitstimeforsomebargaining!In
thismodulewewilldiscusssomebasicnegotiatingskillsthatcan
helpyouinbothgettingthebestdealforyourself,andengagingthe
otherpersonintoanamicablediscussion.Wewilldiscuss
negotiationinitsfourstages:preparation,opening,bargaining,and
closing.

Preparation
Halfthebattleofnegotiationsiswonduringthepreparationstage.Thinkofitas
similartostrategizingbeforeawar.Youhavetoknowaheadoftimewhattheother
sidesstrengthsandweaknessesare,aswellasyourown,sothatwillknowwhich
approachtouse.
Thefollowingaresometipsinpreparingforanegotiation:

Researchwhatisstandardforthearea.Tomakesurethatyoudontgetshortchanged,know
thegoingrateforwhatyouareofferingorbuying.Forexample,knowwhatthestandardsalary
isforapersonwithyourbackgroundinaparticularindustrybeforegoingtoasalarynegotiation.
Thisadvicemayseembasic,butyoudbesurprisedathowmanypeopleactuallyforgettolook
intheirbackyardsbeforeanegotiation.Lookforthestrengthsofyourpositionandcapitalizeon
them.Similarly,identifyyourweaknessessothatyoucananticipatepossibleattacks.

Knowyourboundaries.Thisadviceisrelatedtothefirstone.Asyoustudyyourinterestsand
position,itisimportanttoreflectaheadoftimehowmuchyouarewillingtoconcede,and
whatsnonnegotiableforyou.Havingyourboundariesclearinyourmindwillpreventyoufrom
makingagreementsthatyoudregretlater.Itwillalsohelpyoumaketherightamountof
allowancesforbargaining.Notethough:dontdismissthepossibilitythatyoumightchangeyour
boundariesinthemiddleofthenegotiationproper.

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Stepintotheirshoes.Youknowwhatsthebestwaytoprepareabargainingstance?Pretendto
betheotherparty.Askyourself:ifyouweretheotherside,whatdoyouwanttoseeorhearin
ordertogivein?
Ifyoucandoextensiveresearchabouttheplayersoftheotherparty,aswellastheirposition,
better.Areyougoingtobedealingwithpeoplewhoareknowntobedifficult?Well,what
makesthemdifficult?Dotheyhavestrongfeelingsaboutyou?Youcanuseinformationlike
thesetohelpyouplanyourstrategy.

Identifyareasofbargaining.Nowthatyouhavestudiedyourposition,aswellastheother
sidesposition,itsnowtimetoidentifythecommongroundyoucanworkon.Awaytodothis
istolookformutualinterests.Ifyoucanemphasizethatamovestandstobenefitbothparties
inasatisfactoryway,thenyouaremorelikelytogetanagreement.

Prepareyourselfmentally,emotionallyandphysically.Negotiationscanbeataxingendeavor.
Youneedtobealert;incontrolandunemotional(butnotemotionless)whileyounegotiate,so
makesureyoureintherightcondition.Insomecases,alotofgamesandposturingwilltake
place.Sobeforegoingtothebargainingtable,meditate,aimforaclearhead,andgetagood
nightssleep.

Setupthetimeandvenueforthenegotiations.Asignificantelementofnegotiationsiscontext.
Youhavetomakesurethatthenegotiationwillbeataplaceandtimewhenallpartiesfeelat
ease,asuncomfortablepeoplearelesslikelytomakeconcessions.Thismeansyouhaveto
checkeventhetinydetailsofroomtemperatureandspacebeforeyoustartanegotiation.
Moreover,youhavetoensurethattheseatingarrangementisconducivetoafriendly
discussion.Twopartiesseatingthemselvesfromacrosseachothermayseemconfrontational.
Sittingtoofarawayeachothercansendthemessagethatyourenotinterestedinfinding
commonground.Usingdissimilarchairscancommunicateapowerplay.

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Opening
Thewaythatyouopenanegotiationcansetthetoneforthewholebargaining
session.Itisimportantthenthatyoupayattentiontohowyouortheotherparty
opensthenegotiation.
Thefollowingaretipsandtechniquesonopeninganegotiation:

Expressrespectfortheotherparty,andopennesstothenegotiation
process.Negotiationshavetraditionallybeenperceivedasacombativeendeavor,butthisneed
notbethecase.Infact,simplecourtesycanbreaktheicebetweentwonegotiatingparties,and
promoteareasonablediscussion.Soinvestinpleasantriesandsmalltalk.Smile.Attheendof
theday,youarebothjustpeoplewithintereststopursue,andyoucanaccomplishthiswithout
havingtoputanyonedown.

Askformoreorhigherthanwhatyoureallywant.Alwaysassumethattheotherpartywill
wanttohagglewithyou,soaskforsomethinggreaterthanwhatyouwouldbewillingtoaccept.
Theexcessisyourbargainingallowance.Remembertoo,thattheotherpartymightjustbe
willingtogiveyoumorethanwhatyouthinkyoudeserve,sotheresnothingwrongwith
startingimmodestly.

Dontacceptthefirstoffer.Keepinmind:theotherpartywouldexpectyoutohaggletoo!
Chancesare,youdreceiveaninitialofferlowerthanwhatapersonorcompanyiswillingtogive
soinvestintimeconvincingthemyoureworthyofmore.

Putyourstrengthsonthetable.Heresacardinalruleinnegotiation:alwaysnegotiatefroma
positionofstrength.Dontbegordefendyourweakpoints.Instead,illustratefromtheonset
thebestaboutwhatyouhavetooffer,andsendthemessagethatyoureworthyourasking

Bargaining
Theheartofanegotiationprocessistheactualbargaining.Therearetimeswhen
bargainingiseasy,especiallyifthemeetingpointoftwopositionsdoesnotrequire
muchsacrificefromeitherparty.Buttherearealsooccasionswhenbargainingcanbe
quitetedious.Negotiatorscanholdontotheirstancesstubbornly,eitherbecause
theyreallydontthinktheycanaffordaconcession,ortheywantyoutobetheone
toyield.
Thefollowingaresometipstobargainmoreeffectively:

Listen.Beginnernegotiatorsareoftenmorefocusedonwhattheywanttosaythattheyforget
animportantelementoftheprocess:listening.Taketimetocarefullylistentowhattheother
partyissayingtoyou;theycangiveyoucluesastowhatisofvaluetothem,andwhatcounter

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offercanmakethemgivein.Similarly,notetheirnonverbalbehaviortogetcluesregarding
yourpacinganddemeanor.

Concedetogetconcessions.Intheprevioussection,wediscussedabouttheskillofgivingin
withoutgivingup.Youcanusethisskilltooduringnegotiations.Yourconcessionscanbeaway
tosweetenthepot,orcommunicatetotheotherpartythatyoualsohavetheirbestinterestsat
heart.Forexample:youcanconcedetolowerthepriceofthegoodsyoureselling,iftheyagree
tobuyahighervolume.

Anchoryourpositiononobjectivedata.Thistipisrelatedtotheskillofusingfactstobring
peopletoyourside.Ifyouwanttostrengthenyourbargainingposition,makereferencesto
objectivestandards.Forexample,statingthatyouareofferingaloweramountthanthe
standardretailpriceofagoodorservicecanstrengthenyourbargainingposition.

Presentoptions.Everyonelikestohaveachoice;itsempoweringandkeepsapersonfrom
feelingtrapped.Ifyoucanaffordit,createpackagesthattheotherpartycanchoosefrom.You
canwinmoreifyouhaveatheressomethingforeveryoneapproach.

Mindyourphrasing.Ifyouwantsomething,makesurethatitsphrasedinsuchawaythatis
positive,andabenefittotheotherparty.Forexample,dontsaythatyouwantahighersalary
becauseyouhaveagraduatedegree.Instead,saythatyourgraduatedegreecancontribute
positivelytotheirbottomline.Ifyoucanshowhowyourpositionfurtherstheotherpartys
interest,thennegotiationscanproceedmuchmoresmoothly.

Closing
Howyoucloseanegotiationisasimportantashowyouopenone.Youwanttomake
surethatyouleavethebargainingtablewithasatisfactoryagreementforbothsides.
Youalsowanttoensurethatyouendpositively.Afterall,asettleddealmeansthe
possiblestartofanewrelationship.
Thefollowingaresometipsinclosingthedeal:

Besensitivetosignalsthatitstimetoclose.Alwaysbesensitivetochangesinthedynamicsof
thediscussion,sothatyouwillhavefairwarningthatitstimetoclose.Forexample,the
lesseningofobjectionsandcounterargumentsfromtheotherpartycanbeasignthattheyhave
alltheinformationthattheyneedtomakeadecision.Similarly,requestingforacontractisan
oftensignalthatadecisionhasbeenmade;allthatsneededistoformalizeit.

Hereissomeadvicetoconsiderbeforemakingafinaloffer.Hagglingbackandforthcantakea
while,butifyoutooktheadviceonsettingboundariesbeforeanegotiation,youdknowwhen
youvereachedyourboundaries.Ifyousensethatyouareatthatpointofgivingyourfinaloffer,
andtheotherpartyseemstobeaswell,thenissueagentlebutfirmwarning.Forexample,you

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candirectlysaythisismyfinalofferorIthinkIvereachedadecision.Theadviceisasignal
totheotherpartytogivetheirfinalofferaswell.

Increasethepressure.Iftheotherpartystillseemshesitant,andyouarereadytoclosethe
deal,thenperhapsitstimetoputpressureonthem.Commonwaystodothisistogivea
deadlinetotheoffer(Thisofferwillexpireby2pm.),orshowingthatyouhaveotheroptions
toconsider(IalsohaveaproposalfromXYZcompany.)

Summarize.Anotherwaytocloseanegotiationistopresentasummaryofwhathasbeen
achievedsofar,highlightingboththeissuesthathavebeenresolvedaswellaswhatactionsare
expectedoftheparticipantssofar.Forinstanceyoucansayweseemtoagreeonsoandso
detailsofthedeal;welookforwardtosigningthecontracttomorrow.
Asummaryisapositivewayofendinganegotiationbecauseitmakeseveryonefeelthatthe
timewaswellspent.Thisistrueevenifthenegotiationdidnotresultinamutuallyagreedupon
resolution.Byemphasizingtheideathatyoumovedforwarddespitelingeringissues,yousetthe
stageforfurtherdiscussions.

Sealthecommitment.Followtheceremonythatindicatesadealisformalized.Oftenthismeans
signingthecontract.Inmoreinformalsettings,thiscanbeahandshake.Whiletheymayseem
likemeaninglessrituals,theyareasignofcommitmenttowhathasbeenagreedupon,and
mustbeembracedwarmly.

Thank.Lastly,endyournegotiationwithgratitude.Asidefromobservingtheethicsof
relationships,itshowsyourappreciationfortheotherpartystimeandconsideration.

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Sometimes, one creates a dynamic

impression by saying something, and
sometimes one creates as significant an
impression by remaining silent.
Dalai Lama
Module Eleven: Making an Impact
Somepeoplestandout,whileothersfadeintothebackground.
Butifyouwanttomakethemostofinterpersonalrelationships,
youhavetobeabletoleavealingeringpositiveimpressiononthe
peoplethatyoumeet.Peoplesfirstimpressionsofyouarewhat
dictateiftheywanttogettoknowyouanyfurther.Youwantto
makesure,then,thatyoucreateanimpactonpeople.

Creating a Powerful First Impression

Youveprobablyheardthissayingbefore:youdontgetasecondchancetomakea
firstimpression.
Intodaysfastpacedworld,youhavetomaximizethetimeandopportunitiesto
meetwithpeoplethatyoucanget.Ifyoumanagedtosecureaconferencewitha
clientorpotentialpartner,forexample,makesurethatyoudontleaveanythingto
chanceforthatmeeting.Andthatgoeswiththeimpressionthatyouwanttoleavebehind.
Thefollowingaresometipsincreatingapowerfulfirstimpression:

Dresstoimpress.Beautyiswithin,butthisdoesntmeanthatpeopledontmakeconclusions
aboutyoubasedonyourappearance.Ifyouwanttocreateagreatfirstimpressionmakesure
thatyoulookyourbest.Wheneveryourepresentingyourselftootherpeople,beclean,well
groomedanddressedinclothesthatfitandwithintheprescribeddresscode

Bepositive.Nobodylikestotalktocranky,irritable,andpessimisticpeople!Instead,peopleare
drawntothosewhosmilealotandradiateapleasantdisposition.Ifyouwanttobe
remembered,makethemfeelwelcomedandappreciated.Apositiveexperienceisaseasyto
rememberasanegativeone!

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Communicateyourconfidence.Powerfulfirstimpressionsarethosethatshowyouareself
assured,competent,andpurposive.Alwaysestablisheyecontactwiththepeopleyouare
talkingto.Shakehandsfirmly.Speakinadeliberateandpurposiveway.

Beyourself!Meetingpeopleforthefirsttimecanbeextremelyanxietyprovoking,butdoyour
besttoactnaturally.Peoplearemoreresponsivetothosewhodontcomeacrossasiftheyre
puttingonafrontorareverycontrolled.Letyourpersonalityengagetheotherperson.

Gofortheextramile.Domorethantheusualthatcanmakeyoustandoutfromtherest.For
example,ifyouregoingforajobinterview,showthatyoustudiedthecompanyverywelland
knowtheirmissionandvision.Ifotherscanseethatyouappreciationasocialsituation,theyare
morelikelytorememberyoupositively.

Assessing a Situation
Allinterpersonalskillsinvolvesensitivitytowhatisgoingonaround,especially
whatishappeningwiththepeopleyouareinteractingwith.Afterall,context
variables,suchastimingandlocation,canchangethemeaningofa
communication.Youwanttomakesurethatyouarenotjustsayingtherightthing,
butyouaresayingtherightthingattherightmoment.
Ifyouwanttomakeanimpact,youhavetofactorinthesituation.
Thefollowingaresometipsinassessingthesituation:

Listen,notjusttowhatisbeingsaid,butalsotowhatisNOTbeingsaid.Anexcellent
interpersonalskilltomasterisakeenobservingeye.Youhavetobeabletonotethebody
languageofthepeoplearoundyouinorderforyoutobeabletorespondappropriately.For
example,thereisbodylanguagethatsaysgoon,welikewhatyouresaying.Thereisalso
bodylanguagethatsaysIdontwanttohearthatrightnow.

Identifyneeds.Asecondwaytoassessthesituationistoaskyourself:whatdoesthissocial
occasionneedrightnow?Anewlyformedgroup,forexample,likelyhasmemberswhostill
dontknowoneanother.Theneedthenisforsomeonetohelpbreaktheice.Agroupthatis
tiredfromalongworkingdayprobablyneedsanopportunitytorelaxandunwind.Knowing
theseneedscanhelpyourespondtothemmoreappropriate.

Practiceetiquette.Etiquettemayseemlikeauselessbunchofrulestosomepeoplebutthey
serveapurpose:theytellyouwhataregenerallyconsideredasacceptableandunacceptablefor
certainsituations.Ithelpsthenthatyouknowbasicetiquetterulessothatyoudontmakea
fauxpasthatcanruinthegreatfirstimpressionthatyoumade.

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Being Zealous without Being Offensive

Enthusiasm,diligence,andpersistenceareallgreatvirtuestohave,especiallyif
youreinthebusinessofcreatingsocialnetworks.However,youhavetobecareful
thatyourperseveringdoesntcrossthelinetopesteringorworseharassingthe
person.
Thefollowingaresometipsinbeingzealouswithoutbeingoffensive:

Focusonwhatisimportanttotheotherperson. Beingothercenteredis
thebestwaytomonitoryourowneagernesstomakecontactwithotherpeople.Beforeyoudo
something,makethathabitofaskingyourself:doesthisactionaddresstheneedoftheother
person,orisitmerelyaddressingmyneed?

Respectboundaries.Everyonehaspersonalboundaries,anditwoulddouswelltorespect
them.Notseeingclientswithoutanappointmentisanexampleofaboundary.Thesamegoes
fornotacceptingcallsduringtheweekendorpastregularofficehours.Workwithinthese
boundaries,andyoullbeabletocommunicateyourcourtesy.Andifyoudontknowwhata
personsboundariesare,youhavenothingtoloseinasking!

Makerequests,notdemands.Asmentionedpreviously,wecanalwaysdoourbesttopersuade
andinfluenceotherpeople,butwecantforcethemtodowhattheydontwanttodo.So
alwayscourteouslyaskforpermission,andverifyagreement.Andiftheysaynothenaccept
thenoasananswer,unlessyouhavesomethingnewtooffer.

Notenonverbalbehavior.Similartothetipintheprevioussection,alwaysbeguidedbythe
otherpersonsnonverbalresponsetoyou.Ifyoufindthattheyarealreadyshowingirritation
exampletheyspeakinagruff,annoyedtonewhentalkingtoyouthenperhapsitstimeto
backoff.Butiftheyappearopentoyoutheylookatyouwithinterestwhileyouspeak
thenitsadvisabletogoon.

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This feeling, finally, that we may change

things this is at the center of everything
we are. Lose that... lose everything.
Sir David Hare
Module Twelve: Wrapping Up
Althoughthisworkshopiscomingtoaclose,wehopethatyour
journeytoimproveyourinterpersonalskillsisjustbeginning.Please
takeamomenttoreviewandupdateyouractionplan.Thiswillbea
keytooltoguideyourprogressinthedays,weeks,months,andyears
tocome.Wewishyouthebestofluckontherestofyourtravels!

Words from the Wise

YogiBerra:Intheorythereisnodifferencebetweentheoryandpractice.In
practicethereis.

DwightEisenhower:Plansarenothing;planningiseverything.

JonasSalk:Therewardforworkwelldoneistheopportunitytodomore.

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