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Sociology of Gender

Studying The Relationship Between Gender And Society

By Ashley Crossman
Sociology Expert

Gender differences exist in nearly every social phenomena. From the moment of birth,
gender expectations influence how boys and girls are treated. In fact, gender
expectations may begin before birth as parents and grandparents pick out pink or blue
clothes and toys and decorate the babys room with stereotyped gender colors. Also,
since the first day of a babys life, research shows that girls are
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Gender

Sociology

Identity and Gender

Culture Tradition

Gender of Baby
handled more gently than boys. Girls are expected to be sweet and want to cuddle
whereas boys are handled more roughly and are given greater independence.

Sociologists make a clear distinction between the terms sex and gender. Sex refers to
ones biological identity of being male or female while gender refers to the socially
learned expectations and behaviors associated with being male or female. Sex is
biologically assigned while gender is culturally learned.
Gender as Culturally Learned
The cultural origin of gender becomes especially apparent when we look at other
cultures. In Western industrialized societies such as the United States, people tend to
think of masculinity and femininity in dichotomous terms, with men and women distinctly
different and opposites. Other cultures, however, challenge this assumption and have
less distinct views of masculinity and femininity. For example, historically there was a
category of people in the Navajo culture called berdaches, who were anatomically

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normal men but who were defined as a third gender considered to fall between male
and female. Berdaches married other ordinary men (not Berdaches), although neither
was considered homosexual, as they would be in todays Western culture.
Looking at gender sociologically reveals the social and cultural dimensions of something
that is often defined as biologically fixed. Gender is not biologically fixed at all, but rather
is culturally learned and is something that can and often does change over time.
Nature Vs. Nurture In Gender Identity
There is a lot of debate about how much of a persons gender identity, among other
things, is due to their biological makeup (nature) and how much is due to their social
surroundings and the way they are brought up (nurture). From a sociological
perspective, biology alone does not determine gender identity, but rather it is a mixture
of biology and socialization.
Gender socialization is the process by which men and women learn the expectations
associated with their sex. Gender socialization affects all aspects of daily life and
society, including ones self-concept, social and political attitudes, and perceptions and

relationships about other people. Family, peers, schooling, religious training, mass
media, and popular culture are just a few of the agents through which gender
socialization happens. It is reinforced whenever gender-linked behaviors receive
approval or disapproval from these influences.
One result of gender socialization is the formation of gender identity, which is ones
definition of oneself as a man or woman. Gender identity shapes how we think about
others and ourselves and also influences our behaviors. For example, gender
differences exist in the likelihood of drug and alcohol abuse, violent behavior,
depression, and aggressive driving. Gender identity also has an especially strong effect
on our feelings about our appearance and our body image, especially for females.
Major Sociological Theories of Gender
Each major sociological framework has its own views and theories regarding gender
and why gender inequality exists. Feminist theorists also address issues in gender and
address new issues that the major theoretical frameworks do not.
Functionalist theorists argue that men fill instrumental roles in society while women
fillexpressive roles, which works to the benefit of society. Further, it is our socialization
into prescribed roles that is the driving force behind gender inequality. For example,
these theorists see wage inequalities as the result of choices women make, which
involve family roles that compete with their work roles.
Symbolic interactionists look at gender from the micro perspective and examine gender
stratification on a day-to-day level. For example, men are more likely to interrupt women
in conversations and their workspaces generally reflect greater power. These theorists
also focus on how gender roles are internalized by males and females.
Conflict theorists view women as disadvantaged because of power inequalities between
women and men that are built into the social structure. For example, from this viewpoint,
wage inequalities that exist between men and women result from mens historic power
to devalue womens work and benefit as a group from the services that womens labor
provides.
Feminist theory emerged out of the womens movement and aims to understand the
position of women in society for the sole purpose of improving their position in society.
There are four major frameworks that have developed out of feminist theory: liberal
feminism, socialist feminism, radical feminism, and multiracial feminism.
Liberal feminists argue that gender inequality results from past traditions that pose
barriers to womens advancement. It emphasizes individual rights and equal opportunity
as the basis for social justice and reform. Socialist feminists, on the other hand, argue
that the origin of womens oppression lies with the system of capitalism. Because

women are a cheap supply of labor, they are exploited by capitalism, which makes them
less powerful both as women and as workers. Third, radical feminists see patriarchy as
the main cause of womens oppression and argue that womens oppression lies in
mens control over womens bodies. Finally, multiracial feminists examine the interactive
influence of gender, race, and class, showing how together they shape the experiences
of all women and men.
References
Giddens, A. (1991). Introduction to Sociology. New York: W.W. Norton & Company.
Anderson, M.L. and Taylor, H.F. (2009). Sociology: The Essentials. Belmont, CA: Thomson Wadsworth.

http://sociology.about.com/od/Disciplines/a/Sociology-Of-Gender.htm

Marital Conflict: Correlates, Structure, and Context

Frank D. Fincham1
Psychology, Department, University at Buffalo, Buffalo, New York

Abstract

Marital conflict has deleterious effects on mental, physical, and family health, and three decades
of research have yielded a detailed picture of the behaviors that differentiate distressed from
nondistressed couples. Review of this work shows that the singular emphasis on conflict in generating
marital outcomes has yielded an incomplete picture of its role in marriage. Recently, researchers have
tried to paint a more textured picture of marital conflict by studying spouses backgrounds and
characteristics, investigating conflict in the contexts of support giving and affectional expression, and
considering the ecological niche of couples in their broader environment.

Keywords
conflict patterns; marital distress; support

Systematic psychological research on marriage emerged largely among


clinical psychologists who wanted to better assist couples experiencing marital
distress. In the 30 years since this development, marital conflict has assumed a
special status in the literature on marriage, as evidenced by three indices. First,
many of the most influential theories of marriage tend to reflect the view that
"distress results from couples' aversive and ineffectual response to conflict"
(Koerner & Jacobson, 1994, p. 208). Second, research on marriage has focused on
what spouses do when they disagree with each other, and reviews of marital
interaction are dominated by studies of conflict and problem solving (see Weiss &
Heyman, 1997). Third, psychological interventions for distressed couples often
target conflict-resolution skills (see Baucom, Shoham, Mueser, Daiuto, & Stickle,
1998).

IS MARITAL CONFLICT IMPORTANT?


The attention given marital conflict is understandable when we consider its
implications for mental, physical, and family health. Marital conflict has been linked
to the onset of depressive symptoms, eating disorders, male alcoholism, episodic
drinking, binge drinking, and out-of-home drinking. Although married individuals are
healthier on average than the unmarried, marital conflict is associated with poorer
health and with specific illnesses such as cancer, cardiac disease, and chronic pain,
perhaps because hostile behaviors during conflict are related to alterations in
immunological, endocrine, and cardiovascular functioning. Physical aggression
occurs in about 30% of married couples in the United States, leading to significant
physical injury in about 10% of couples. Marriage is also the most common
interpersonal context for homicide, and more women are murdered by their
partners than by anyone else. Finally, marital conflict is associated with important
family outcomes, including poor parenting, poor adjustment of children, increased
likelihood of parent-child conflict, and conflict between siblings. Marital conflicts that
are frequent, intense, physical, unresolved, and child related have a particularly
negative influence on children, as do marital conflicts that spouses attribute to their
child's behavior (see Grych & Fincham, 2001).

WHAT ARE MARITAL CONFLICTS ABOUT?


Marital conflicts can be about virtually anything. Couples complain about
sources of conflict ranging from verbal and physical abusiveness to personal
characteristics and behaviors. Perceived inequity in a couple's division of labor is
associated with marital conflict and with a tendency for the male to withdraw in
response to conflict. Conflict over power is also strongly related to marital
dissatisfaction. Spouses' reports of conflict over extramarital sex, problematic
drinking, or drug use predict divorce, as do wives' reports of husbands being jealous
and spending money foolishly. Greater problem severity increases the likelihood of
divorce. Even though it is often not reported to be a problem by couples, violence
among newlyweds is a predictor of divorce, as is psychological aggression (verbal

aggression and nonverbal aggressive behaviors that are not directed at the
partner's body).

HOW DO SPOUSES BEHAVE DURING CONFLICT?


Stimulated, in part, by the view that studying what people say about
themselves is no substitute for studying how they behave (Raush, Barry, Hertel, &
Swain, 1974, p. 5), psychologists have conducted observational studies, with the
underlying hope of identifying dysfunctional behaviors that could be modified in
couple therapy. This research has focused on problem-solving discussions in the
laboratory and provides detailed information about how maritally distressed and
nondistressed couples behave during conflict.
During conflict, distressed couples make more negative statements and fewer
positive statements than nondistressed couples. They are also more likely to
respond with negative behavior when their partner behaves negatively. Indeed, this
negative reciprocity, as it is called, is more consistent across different types of
situations than is the amount of negative behavior, making it the most reliable overt
signature of marital distress. Negative behavior is both more frequent and more
frequently reciprocated in couples that engage in physical aggression than in other
couples. Nonverbal behavior, often used as an index of emotion, reflects marital
satisfaction better than verbal behavior, and unlike verbal behavior does not change
when spouses try to fake good and bad marriages.
Are There Typical Patterns of Conflict Behavior?
The sequences of behavior that occur during conflict are more predictable in
distressed than in nondistressed marriages and are often dominated by chains of
negative behavior that usually escalate and are difficult for the couple to stop. One
of the greatest challenges for couples locked into negative exchanges is to find an
adaptive way of exiting from such cycles. This is usually attempted through
responses that are designed to repair the interaction (e.g., "You're not listening to
me") but are delivered with negative affect (e.g., irritation, sadness). The partners
tend to respond to the negative affect, thereby continuing the cycle. This makes
their interactions structured and predictable. In contrast, nondistressed couples
appear to be more responsive to attempts at repair and are thereby able to exit
from negative exchanges early on. For example, a spouse may respond to Wait,
youre not letting me finish with Sorry . . . please finish what you were saying.
Their interaction therefore appears more random and less predicable.
A second important behavior pattern exhibited by maritally distressed couples is
the demand-withdraw pattern, in which one spouse pressures the other with
demands, complaints, and criticisms, while the partner withdraws with
defensiveness and passive inaction. Specifically, behavior sequences in which the
husband withdraws and the wife responds with hostility are more common in
distressed than in satisfied couples. This finding is consistent with several studies

showing that wives display more negative affect and behavior than husbands, who
tend to not respond or to make statements suggestive of withdrawal, such as
irrelevant comments. Disengagement or withdrawal is, in turn, related to later
decreases in marital satisfaction. However, inferring reliable gender differences in
demand-withdraw patterns would be premature, as recent research shows that the
partner who withdraws varies according to which partner desires change. So, for
example, when a man desires change, the woman is the one who withdraws. Finally,
conflict patterns seem to be relatively stable over time (see Karney & Bradbury,
1995).
Is There a Simple Way to Summarize Research Findings on Marital Conflict?
The findings of the extensive literature on marital conflict can be
summarized in terms of a simple ratio: The ratio of agreements to disagreements is
greater than 1 for happy couples and less than 1 for unhappy couples. Gottman
(1993) utilized this ratio to identify couple types. He observed husbands and wives
during conversation, recording each spouse's positive and negative behaviors while
speaking, and then calculated the cumulative difference between positive and
negative behaviors over time for each spouse. Using the patterns in these
difference scores, he distinguished regulated couples (increase in positive speaker
behaviors relative to negative behaviors for both spouses over the course of
conversation) from nonregulated couples (all other patterns). The regulated couples
were more satisfied in their marriage than the nonregulated couples, and also less
likely to divorce. Regulated couples displayed positive problem-solving behaviors
and positive affect approximately 5 times as often as negative problem-solving
behaviors and negative affect, whereas the corresponding ratio was approximately
1:1 for nonregulated couples.
Interestingly, Gottman's perspective corresponds with the findings of two
early, often overlooked studies on the reported frequency of sexual intercourse and
of marital arguments (Howard & Dawes, 1976; Thornton, 1977). Both showed that
the ratio of sexual intercourse to arguments, rather than their base rates, predicted
marital satisfaction.
Don't Research Findings on Marital Conflict Just Reflect Common Sense?
The findings described in this article may seem like common sense.
However, what we have learned about marital interaction contradicts the longstanding belief that satisfied couples are characterized by a quid pro quoprinciple
according to which they exchange positive behavior and instead show that it is
dissatisfied spouses who reciprocate one another's (negative) behavior. The astute
reader may also be wondering whether couples' behavior in the artificial setting of
the laboratory is a good reflection of their behavior in the real world outside the lab.
It is therefore important to note that couples who participate in such studies
themselves report that their interactions in the lab are reminiscent of their typical
interactions. Research also shows that conflict behavior in the lab is similar to

conflict behavior in the home; however, laboratory conflicts tend to be less severe,
suggesting that research findings underestimate differences between distressed
and nondistressed couples.

THE SEEDS OF DISCONTENT


By the early 1980s, researchers were attempting to address the limits of a purely behavioral
account of marital conflict. Thus, they began to pay attention to subjective factors, such as thoughts and
feelings, which might influence behavioral interactions or the relation between behavior and marital
satisfaction. For example, it is now well documented that the tendency to explain a partner's negative
behavior (e.g., coming home late from work) in a way thatpromotes conflict (e.g., "he only thinks about
himself and his needs"), rather than in less conflictual ways (e.g., "he was probably caught in traffic"),
is related to less effective problem solving, more negative communication in problem-solving discussions,
more displays of specific negative affects (e.g., anger) during problem solving, and steeper declines in
marital satisfaction over time (Fincham, 2001). Explanations that promote conflict are also related to the
tendency to reciprocate a partner's negative behavior, regardless of a couple's marital satisfaction.
Research on such subjective factors, like observational research on conflict, has continued to the present
time. However, it represents an acceptance and expansion of the behavioral approach that accords conflict
a central role in understanding marriage.
In contrast, very recently, some investigators have argued that the role of
conflict in marriage should be reconsidered. Longitudinal research shows that
conflict accounts for a relatively small portion of the variability in later marital
outcomes, suggesting that other factors need to be considered in predicting these
outcomes (see Karney & Bradbury, 1995). In addition, studies have demonstrated a
troubling number of reversal effects (showing that greater conflict is a predictor of
improved marriage; see Fincham & Beach, 1999). It is difficult to account for such
findings in a field that, for much of its existence, has focused on providing
descriptive data at the expense of building theory.
Rethinking the role of conflict also reflects recognition of the fact that most of
what we know about conflict behavior comes from observation of problem-solving
discussions and that couples experience verbal problem-solving situations
infrequently; about 80% of couples report having overt disagreements once a
month or less. As a result, cross-sectional studies of distressed versus nondistressed
marriages and longitudinal studies of conflict are being increasingly complemented
by research designs that focus on how happy marriages become unhappy.
Finally, there is evidence that marital conflict varies according to contextual factors. For example,
diary studies illustrate that couples have more stressful marital interactions at home on days of high
general life stress than on other days, and at times and places where they are experiencing multiple
competing demands; arguments at work are related to marital arguments, and the occurrence of stressful
life events is associated with more conflictual problem-solving discussions.

NEW BEGINNINGS: CONFLICT IN CONTEXT


Although domains of interaction other than conflict (e.g., support, companionship) have long
been discussed in the marital literature, they are only now emerging from the secondary status accorded to
them. This is somewhat ironic given the simple summary of research findings on marital conflict offered
earlier, which points to the importance of the context in which conflict occurs.
Conflict in the Context of Support Giving and Affectional Expression
Observational laboratory methods have recently been developed to assess
supportive behaviors in interactions in which one spouse talks about a personal
issue he or she would like to change and the other is asked to respond as she or he
normally would. Behaviors exhibited during such support tasks are only weakly
related to the conflict behaviors observed during the problem-solving discussions
used to study marital conflict. Supportive spouse behavior is associated with greater
marital satisfaction and is more important than negative behavior in determining
how supportive the partners perceive an interaction to be. In addition, the amount
of supportive behavior partners exhibit is a predictor of later marital stress (i.e.,
more supportive behavior correlates with less future marital stress), independently
of conflict behavior, and when support is poor, there is an increased risk that poor
skills in dealing with conflict will lead to later marital deterioration. There is also
evidence that support obtained by spouses outside the marriage can influence
positively how the spouse behaves within the marriage.
In the context of high levels of affectional expression between spouses, the
association between spouses' negative behavior and marital satisfaction decreases
significantly. High levels of positive behavior in problem-solving discussions also
mitigate the effect of withdrawal or disengagement on later marital satisfaction.
Finally, when there are high levels of affectional expression between spouses, the
demand-withdraw pattern is unrelated to marital satisfaction, but when affectional
expression is average or low, the demand-withdrawal pattern is associated with
marital dissatisfaction.
Conflict in the Context of Spouses Backgrounds and Characteristics
Focus on interpersonal behavior as the cause of marital outcomes led to the assumption that the
characteristics of individual spouses play no role in those outcomes. However, increasing evidence that
contradicts this assumption has generated recent interest in studying how spouses backgrounds and
characteristics might enrich our understanding of marital conflict.
The importance of spouses' characteristics is poignantly illustrated in the
intergenerational transmission of divorce. Although there is a tendency for
individuals whose parents divorced to get divorced themselves, this tendency varies
depending on the offspring's behavior. Divorce rates are higher for offspring who

behave in hostile, domineering, and critical ways, compared with offspring who do
not behave in this manner.
An individual characteristic that is proving to be particularly informative for
understanding marriage comes from recent research on attachment, which aims to
address questions about how the experience of relationships early in life affects
interpersonal functioning in adulthood. For example, spouses who tend to feel
secure in relationships tend to compromise and to take into account both their own
and their partner's interests during problem-solving interactions; those who tend to
feel anxious or ambivalent in relationships show a greater tendency to oblige their
partner, and focus on relationship maintenance, than do those who tend to avoid
intimacy in relationships. And spouses who are preoccupied with being completely
emotionally intimate in relationships show an elevated level of marital conflict after
an involuntary, brief separation from the partner.
Of particular interest for understanding negative reciprocity are the findings
that greater commitment is associated with more constructive, accommodative
responses to a partner's negative behavior and that the dispositional tendency to
forgive is a predictor of spouses' responses to their partners' transgressions;
spouses having a greater tendency to forgive are less likely to avoid the partner or
retaliate in kind following a transgression by the partner. Indeed, spouses
themselves acknowledge that the capacity to seek and grant forgiveness is one of
the most important factors contributing to marital longevity and satisfaction.
Conflict in the Context of the Broader Environment
The environments in which marriages are situated and the intersection
between interior processes and external factors that impinge upon marriage are
important to consider in painting a more textured picture of marital conflict. This is
because problem-solving skills and conflict may have little impact on a marriage in
the absence of external stressors. External stressors also may influence marriages
directly. In particular, nonmarital stressors may lead to an increased number of
negative interactions, as illustrated by the fact that economic stress is associated
with marital conflict. There is a growing need to identify the stressors and life
events that are and are not influential for different couples and for different stages
of marriage, to investigate how these events influence conflict, and to clarify how
individuals and marriages may inadvertently generate stressful events. In fact,
Bradbury, Rogge, and Lawrence (2001), in considering the ecological niche of the
couple (i.e., their life events, family constellation, socioeconomic standing, and
stressful circumstances), have recently argued that it may be at least as important
to examine the struggle that exists between the couple . . . and the environment
they inhabit as it is to examine the interpersonal struggles that are the focus of our
work [observation of conflict] ( p. 76).

CONCLUSION
The assumption that conflict management is the key to successful marriage
and that conflict skills can be modified in couple therapy has proved useful in
propelling the study of marriage into the mainstream of psychology. However, it
may have outlived its usefulness, and some researchers are now calling for greater
attention to other mechanisms (e.g., spousal social support) that might be
responsible for marital outcomes. Indeed, controversy over whether conflict has
beneficial or detrimental effects on marriage over time is responsible, in part, for
the recent upsurge in longitudinal research on marriage. Notwithstanding diverse
opinions on just how central conflict is for understanding marriage, current efforts to
study conflict in a broader marital context, which is itself seen as situated in a
broader ecological niche, bode well for advancing understanding and leading to
more powerful preventive and therapeutic interventions.

Recommended Reading
Bradbury, T.N., Fincham, F.D., & Beach, S.R.H. (2000). Research on the nature and
determinants of marital satisfaction: A decade in review. Journal of Marriage
and the Family, 62, 964-980.
Fincham, F.D., & Beach, S.R. (1999). (See References)
Grych, J.H., & Fincham, F.D. (Eds.). (2001).(See References)
Karney, B.R., & Bradbury, T.N. (1995). (See References)

Acknowledgments--This article was written while the author was supported by


grants from the Templeton, Margaret L. Wendt, and J.M. McDonald Foundations.

Note
1. Address correspondence to Frank D. Fincham, Department of Psychology,
University at Buffalo, Buffalo, NY 14260.

References
Baucom, D.H., Shoham, V., Mueser, K.T., Daiuto, A D., & Stickle, T R. (1998).
Empirically supported couple and family interventions for marital distress and
adult mental health problems. Journal of Consulting and Clinical
Psychology, 66, 53-88.

Bradbury, T.N., Rogge, R., & Lawrence, E. (2001). Reconsidering the role of conflict
in marriage. In A. Booth, A.C. Crouter, & M. Clements (Eds.), Couples in
conflict (pp. 59-81). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.
Fincham, F.D. (2001). Attributions and close relationships: From balkanization to
integration. In G.J. Fletcher & M. Clark (Eds.), Blackwell handbook of social
psychology (pp. 3-31). Oxford, England: Blackwell.
Fincham, F.D., & Beach, S.R. (1999). Marital conflict: Implications for working
with couples. Annual Review of Psychology, 50, 47-77.

Gottman, J.M. (1993). The roles of conflict engagement, escalation, and avoidance in marital
interaction: A longitudinal view of five types of couples. Journal of Consulting and
Clinical Psychology, 61, 6-15.
Grych, J.H., & Fincham, F.D. (Eds.). (2001). Interparental conflict and child development:
Theory, research, and applications. New York: Cambridge University Press.
Howard, J.W., & Dawes, R.M. (1976). Linear prediction of marital happiness. Personality and
Social Psychology Bulletin, 2, 478-480.
Karney, B.R., & Bradbury, T.N. (1995). The longitudinal course of marital quality and stability:
A review of theory, method, and research. Psychological Bulletin, 118, 3-34.
Koerner, K., & Jacobson, N.J. (1994). Emotion and behavior in couple therapy. In S.M. Johnson
& L.S. Greenberg (Eds.), The heart of the matter: Perspectives on emotion in marital
therapy (pp. 207-226). New York: Brunner/Mazel.
Raush, H.L., Barry, W.A., Hertel, R.K., & Swain, M.A. (1974). Communication,
conflict, and marriage. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass
Thornton, B. (1977). Toward a linear prediction of marital
happiness. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 3, 674-676.

Weiss, R.L., & Heyman, R.E. (1997). A clinical-research overview of couple interactions. In
W.K. Halford & H. Markman (Eds.), The clinical handbook of marriage and couples
interventions (pp. 13-41). Brisbane, Australia: Wiley.

http://www.psychologicalscience.org/journals/cd/12_1/Fincham.cfm

PSYCHOLOGY

Why Second Marriages Are More


Perilous
Those who remarry have unrealistic expectations and don't anticipate the unique challenges
to second families
By Maggie Scarf @MaggiefirstOct. 04, 20130

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Many people see remarriage as a fresh new chance at happiness with a partner whom they should
have chosen in the first place. But the statistics reveal that second or later marriages are much more
likely to end in divorce. Why is this so?
For one thing, those who remarry often have unrealistic expectations. They are in love, and they
dont really understand that the replacement of a missing partner (due to divorce, desertion or
death) doesnt actually restore the family to its first-marriage status. On the contrary, remarriage
will present them with a number of unanticipated design issues such as childrens loyalty binds, the
breakdown of parenting tasks and the uniting of disparate family cultures. These are three of the five
major structural challenges of remarriage outlined by psychologist Patricia Papernow in her
remarkable architectural model of remarriage. Essentially, the remarried familys unanticipated and
difficult job is to leave behind many of their old assumptions about how a real family i.e., a
traditional first-marriage family is supposed to operate and get to work on self-consciously
planning, designing and building an entirely new kind of family structure that will meet their own
unique requirements.
A second and equally important problem for the new couple lies in the realm of interpersonal
communication. This is especially true regarding matters that lie very close to the mates hearts, like
the sensitive issue of childrens behavior. Are the members of the pair respectful and caring of each
others youngsters, who have undergone difficult losses and transitions? Or does a stepparent
respond to a childs stark unfriendliness with outrage and attack?
For example, it is much better for a stepmom to say, I feel hurt when your daughters come to visit
and dont even say hello to me or make eye contact, than Whenever your bratty daughters come
over, they walk right past me as if I didnt even exist! They are so rude, and you just stand there! The
first response is an I message and could start a useful discussion about how to handle the problem,
while the second you response is blaming and likely to provoke an argument.

The knottiest of remarriage issues is often that of discipline, and here a ton of research provides a
clear guideline. The stepparents role should be similar to that of a nanny, an aunt or a babysitter
who is familiar with the rules of the house (e.g., no TV before homework is finished). She or
he monitors and reports on the childs behavior, butonly the biological parent should do any kind of
punishment (or let rules slide). And yet, far too often, stepparents will think they should be the
enforcer if they are to get real respect from their stepchildren.
The problems of remarriage are a national issue. They have been hiding under the radar for far too
long. Only by bringing the unique challenges out into the open can we possibly bring the dissolution
rate of these marriages down.

http://ideas.time.com/2013/10/04/why-second-marriages-are-more-perilous/

Stepfamily success depends on ingredients


One in three Americans is part of a stepfamily, each with its own flavor. How can psychologists help them
thrive?
By Tori DeAngelis
December 2005, Vol 36, No. 11
Print version: page 58
If Tolstoy were alive today, he might have penned his famous line like this: Happy families are all alike--and every
stepfamily is complex in its own way.
Take one example. If a stepparent is frequently battling his former spouse, research shows that his children suffer.
But if he is close with his ex-partner, his new spouse may feel anxious and insecure. On top of this, say experts,
many children don't view their step-parents as "real parents" for the first few years--if ever--and parents in second
marriages may treat their biological children differently from their stepchildren.
"Stepparents once were viewed as 'replacing' biological parents, thus recreating a two-parent family," notes
University of Virginia (UVA) psychology professor Robert E. Emery, PhD, author of "The Truth about Children and
Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive" (Viking/Penguin, 2004). "Economically,
there may be some truth to this, but psychologically, that is not the reality. Remarriage and stepparenting are new,
tricky transitions for children, the stepparent and the biological parents."
Fortunately, researchers and clinicians today better understand the common pitfalls of such "blended" families and
how they can overcome them. That's important because one in three of us is a member of a stepfamily, according to
the Stepfamily Association of America, and that number is likely to grow as traditional family bonds grow more fragile
(see sidebar, page 61). The demographics of stepfamilies are as complex as the psychological ones: About a quarter
are headed by unmarried parents, for example, and stepfamilies make up the full spectrum of our nation's citizens,
according to the association.
The role of children
Given the complexity of the subject matter, researchers and clinicians are looking at stepfamilies through many
lenses. A major one is via the children, who often suffer the most through divorce, remarriage and stepfamily
situations. They are particularly at-risk if their biological parents are in conflict (see sidebar, this page), the divorce
situation is protracted, they receive less parenting after the divorce or they lose important relationships as a result of

the divorce, according to a 2003 article in Family Relations (Vol. 52, No. 4, pages 352-362) by Emery of UVA and
Joan B. Kelly, PhD, a psychologist and divorce expert in Corte Madeira, Calif.
Indeed, children of divorce--and later, remarriage--are twice as likely to academically, behaviorally and socially
struggle as children of first-marriage families: About 20 to 25 percent struggle, compared with 10 percent, a range of
research finds. They're also more likely to get divorced themselves, reports University of Utah sociologist Nicholas H.
Wolfinger, PhD, in his book, "Understanding the Divorce Cycle" (Cambridge University Press, 2005). Adults whose
parents divorced but didn't remarry are 45 percent more likely to divorce than adults whose parents never divorced,
he notes, and 91 percent more likely to divorce if their parents divorced and remarried.
Furthermore, children often "calls the shots" on the emotional trajectory of family life, says psychologist and
stepfamily expert James H. Bray, PhD, of the Baylor College of Medicine.
"When people get married for a second time, the biological parent really feels they need to attend to the kids,"
explains Bray, author with writer John Kelly of "Stepfamilies" (Broadway, 1998). "And when the kids aren't happy,
they'll say things like, 'I don't like your new husband--he's mean to me.' That creates conflict in the marriage. In a firstmarriage family, if a kid says, 'I don't like my dad,' the mom says, 'So?'"
That said, UVA psychologist and professor emeritus E. Mavis Hetherington, PhD, found in a much-publicized 20-year
study that the vast majority of children of divorce do well. As adults, many still feel pain and sadness when they think
about their parents' divorce, but they still build productive and satisfied lives, and they don't experience clinical levels
of depression, anxiety or other mental health disorders, Hetheringon concludes in her and writer John Kelly's book,
"For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered" (Norton, 2002).
Fostering resilience
Indeed, many researchers are focusing on these young people's resilience and how to build on it. Psychology
professor Allen Israel, PhD, of the University at Albany of the State University of New York, for example, has been
developing and evaluating a model of family stability that he believes has special relevance to children in divorce and
stepfamily situations.
Family stability, he and his team are finding, isn't contingent on whether you live in a first-marriage, stepfamily or
single-parent family, but more particularly on the environment that parents create for their kids, such as the presence
of regular bed- and meal-time hours.
That's heartening, Israel believes, because it suggests intervention potential: "You can't always prevent the big things
that are causing stress in these kids, such as parents moving or parents who have periods of low contact," he says.
"But you might be able to affect the little things that are happening in the home."
In a related 2002 study in the Journal of Marriage and Family (Vol. 64, No. 4, pages 1,024-1,037), Kathleen Boyce
Rodgers, PhD, a child and family studies researcher at Washington State University, found that outside influences like
friends and neighbors can help youngsters undergoing such transitions cope better.
Analyzing data on 2,011 children and adolescents in first-marriage families, stepfamilies and single-parent divorced
families, she found that teens who lived with a single, divorced parent and who said they received little support from
that parent were less likely to have internalizing symptoms like depression, suicidal ideation and low self-esteem if
they had a friend to count on.
In addition, Hetherington has found that consistency in school settings helps predict positive adjustment in children,
especially when their home lives are chaotic.
Successful stepfamilies
Bray examined factors that may predict stepfamilies' success in a nine-year, National Institute of Child Health and
Human Development-funded study of 200 Texan stepfamilies and first-marriage families.
Classifying stepfamilies into categories of neotraditional, matriarchal and romantic, he found that neotraditional
families fared the best. These parents formed a solid, committed partnership so they could not only nurture their
marriage, but effectively raise their children. They didn't get stuck in unrealistic expectations of what the family should
be like.
Relatively successful were matriarchal families, headed by strong, independent women who remarried not to gain a
parenting partner, but a companion. While their husbands were devoted to these women, the men had fairly distant
relationships with the children, Bray found.
Matriarchal families functioned well except in parenting matters, Bray found. Conflicts arose, he says, either when the
men decided they wanted to play a greater role in parenting--in which case the women were loathe to relinquish their
parenting power--or when the women decided they wanted their partners to get more involved. In one common
scenario, the woman asked her husband for parenting help but he prevaricated. "She'd ask him to pick up the kids,
for example, and he'd forget," Bray says. "That created a lot of conflict."

Romantic families were the most divorce-prone, Bray found. Couples in these families had unrealistic expectations,
wanting to immediately create the perfect family atmosphere, and they took their stepchildren's ambivalent reactions
to the family transition personally instead of seeing them as normal reactions to a stressful situation.
Tips for clinicians
Bray and others also have put their heads to creating research-based clinical suggestions for those working with
stepfamilies (Bray's suggestions, called "Making Stepfamilies Work," are summarized at the APA Help Center.
These include encouraging second-marriage parents to:
Discuss and decide on finances before getting married.
Build a strong marital bond "because it will benefit everybody," says Bray.
Develop a parenting plan, which likely will involve having the stepparent play a secondary, nondisciplinary
role for the first year or two. "Otherwise, even if you're doing a good job, the children will rebuff you," he says.
Family psychologist Anne C. Bernstein, PhD, author of "Yours, Mine and Ours: How Families Change When
Remarried Parents Have a Child Together" (W.W. Norton, 1990), additionally advises parents to:
Take time to process each transition.
Make sure that big changes are communicated adult-to-adult, not via the children.
Work with therapists who are specially trained in stepfamily dynamics.
Finally, parents in these families need to "take the long view," Emery advises. "You're going to be a parent forever,"
he says. "For the sake of the kids, you want to at least make that a working relationship."
Tori DeAngelis is a writer in Syracuse, N.Y.

http://www.apa.org/monitor/dec05/stepfamily.aspx

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