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What To Do This Month Definitely Not The News The Rainy Day Page Useful Telephone Numbers Classified Ads ‘And Lots More Fun Stuff! COSTAMBAR Yenny’s Market Catamaran Beach Bar El Carey Ten Costambar Library & Pedro's Bar & Restaurant Vik’s Place La Otra Las Rocas PUERTO PLATA Big Lee's Beach Bar Tropical Bar Yogurt Land - La Sirena Meeting Place LAS ROCAS Page 4 - Are you a redneck? Los Tres Cocos Page 6 - The long arm of the law? ‘COFRESI Page t1- When I snap my fingers... ‘Ocean World Marina Page 12 - When the going gets tough? LUPERON “| Puerto Blanco Marina = If you're not 4 a going to snort, § why bother laughing?! vat Costambar Monthly page 2 da Wee om le) a Los Tres Cocos in Las Rocas invites you to try something different. Call 809-993-4503 for details. Fine dining at it’s best! At The Catamaran on Costambar Beach you'll find great food at great prices enjoyed with a million dollar view! Enjoy a relaxing breakfast on the beach. Every day they have Power Hour with 3X1 cuba libres from 6-7pm. Their food never disappoints! Ice Cream Desserts!!! WIFI ZONE!!! Big Lee’s Beach Bar on the Malecon has fantastic food at affordable prices! Amazing Fish & Chips, big juicy burgers and yummy sandwiches. Karaoke with DJ Marilyne & Karaoke Tropical is on May 9th & 23rd - starts 8pm. Kevin & Patricia invite you to El Carey Restaurant - where you can enjoy the beach your way!! Every day 2 cuba/santo libres for RD$100 from 5-7pm. The best burger in town, Kevin’s homemade Mamajuana and fresh made Pina Coladas! On Saturdays & Sundays they are serving Rice & Beans. They now have empanadas with lobster! WiFi! Pedro’s Bar & Restaurant has a full menu including Pedro’s Famous Cordon Bleu. Fridays 4-6pm they have cocktail specials. Watch all your favourite sports events here! WIFI Zone! Tropical Bar on the Malecon has over 20 types of Belgian beer and 8 sports channels! They serve a variety of food and tapas and every Friday have karaoke - including Dutch songs! Wednesdays get 3 crepes for RD$100 with real Belgian sugar & syrup. Daiquiris on special every Thursday - buy 2 get the 3rd one free! Fresh new meal specials all the time - pass by and check them out! And relax in comfy new lounge furniture! Nobby’s Gyros & Deli Delivery Service is suspending the Gyros until November. The deli is still available with all kinds of delicious meats to tempt your taste buds! Vik’s Place is open from 4pm till whenever for cold drinks and hot snacks! Try Vik’s Burgers and Spaghetti! Happy Hour & a half from 6:30pm- 8pm with rum drinks for RDS60 and Grandes for RDS110. Good selection of Belgian beers at good prices. Great rock music from the 80s & 90s! Biker friendly! Now open for breakfast 9am-1pm and Saturday and Sundays from 9am-9pm! La Otra has Karaoke every Saturday night. Open for breakfast at 8am. Try their famous Chivo Picante (spicy goat) or other menu items. Air- conditioned bar & lounge for your comfort. They would love to host your next event - from baptism to bachelor parties to weddings. Las Rocas is having a two Specials from May 3rd to May 31st - Schnitzel, fries and salad only RD$199 or Cordon Bleu/Rouge, fries and salad for only RDS2991 Every Saturday Karaoke with DJ Jean Pierre at 7pm! Every Sunday Darts Tournament starts at 8pm. Puerto Blanco Marina & Restaurant in Luperon is under new management and they invite you to visit their newly renovated restaurant and patio. They have Sunday specials and other events. NOVINOPHOBIA Oe Crea Senet out of wine. z te Os (=e mr pv Costambar Monthly page 3 Los Tres Geos RESTAURANT INTERNATIONAL GOURMET, CUISINE & AUSTRIAN SPECIALTIES. Saturday May 9th & 23rd Featuring Du Marilyne & Karaoke Tropical Fantastic Food at Affordable Prices! FISH & CHIPS * HAMBURGERS & FRIES TeL(808) 970-7627 Cel (80 953-4503 Las Rocas Cofesi, Martes Cerrado SLEEP IS LIKE SEX.. YOU NEVER GET ENOUGH OF IT | “” AND SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED AT ALL! El Catamaran On the Beach in Costambar ENJOY THE TRANQUILITY! 8am till 8em 809-710-7606 GREAT! THE VOICES IN My HEAD HAVE LEARNED SPANISH... NOw I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY ARE SAYING! HOT DOGS & SANDWICHES RATED IN THE TOP 5 THINGS TO DO IN PUERTO PLATA!! @Otrip WORLD'S MOST TRUSTED TRAVEL ADVICE Someone asked me, "and now that you are retired, do you still have a job or hobby?" Ireplied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser.” "Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?" “Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my facking advice, she'll ask me for it” Yass WK VOLE 1s Dt ae TS aa aS Costambar Monthly page 4 ‘Puerto Blanco Marina & Restaurant Proyecto Ciudad Marina Luperon Marina Luperon ,Bahia Luperon 849-207-2211 puertoblancomarina@gmail.com FULL MENU! SUNDAY LUNCH SPECIALS! SPECIAL EVENTS! BAR & RESTAURANT In front of Yenny’s ‘Open Monday-Saturday 10:30am-9pm Closed Sundays 809-970-7786 S® Yes, the new one is out, brand new edition of.."You know you're a redneck when...” 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15, minutes with a fly swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4, You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back J and they don't want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12, Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15, You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17, You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest- rooms so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21, You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 22 . Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all cay "Cool Whip" on the side, 24, The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal- Mart 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non- working TV. 26. You've used your ironing board ae a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements. 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your Sth grade graduation because ‘you were on jury duty. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65. Costambar Monthly page 5 note A Window was something you hated to clean And a Ram was the father of a goat Meg was the name of a girtfriend f= And Gig was a job for the nights 4 SS | Now they all mean different is $ ri things cr Na \ 4 h ‘And that really Mega Bytes. REMEMBER WHEN? SING 5 OTN BD correct From a science fiction show of = an) 2 An Application was for Try Our Famous employment Chivo Picante! Aeon estpebete Other menu items available also} **sso4 wes piano lemory was something that lost with age Open for Breakfast at Sam! | ico wera bark account And if you had a 3-inch floppy Karaoke Every Saturday! You haped that nobody found Air conditioned Bar & Lounge! | j77°y773..""" Not somethi did to a file Available for All Events 2nd if you Unaipped anything in ti * ibli Weddings Baby Showers You'd be in jail for a while. Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties tag On was adding wood tothe Baptisms * Birthdays Hard Drive was a long trip on the road 809-970-7617 A Mouse pad was where a mouse 829-770-0661 lived And a Backup happened to your commode, tingplacePuertaPiatacom | | | CAME, Cut you did with a pocket knife The Maeting Place Paste you did with glue abe meptng rece A Web was a spider's home Summer Season ISAW, Ao ymeameer se Hours 1:00 pm - 4:00 pm, Tuesday to Friday Iquess I'll stick to my pad and 10:00am ~ *:00 pm, Saturday IMADEA jcc yP TRNSRGRD, Puerto Pita And the Memory in my head. SARCASTIC tear nobody's been killed in a Computer crash REMARK, But when it happens they wish they were dead. Costambar Monthly page 6 MORE THAN 20 TYPES OF BELGIAN BEER! 8 SPORTS CHANNELS! VARIETY OF FOOD & TAPAS! Ceo Teele eli Se) Co CoD UE TS Rochefort 10: 1.3% Westmalle Tr Westuleteren 12: 10.2% Abbaye des Rocs: Sint Bernardus 12: 10% Chimay Blue: 9% CQrrovicawarror GP vipaavisor ON THE MALECON, CASETA #3, PUERTO PLATA. OPEN FROM 12PM. CLOSED TUESDAYS. ELE 20 Teun Har onsen WELCOME TO KEVIN & PATRICIA’S EL CAREY Where you can enjoy the beach your way! EVERY DAY 5-7pm! 2 Cuba/Santo Libres for RD$100 to Plata 199248299 Breakfast & Burgers! (and Beer, don't forget the beer!) A very successful attorney parked his brand new Bentley in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Bentley with his lights flashing. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Bentley, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.” "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer ‘The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!" ‘OH, MY GODIl!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!” Costambar Monthly page 7 3.0f May -31.0f May RESTAURANT 6 Schnitzel with French fries and Salad STEAKHOUSE RDS 199,- Cordon bleu or Cordon rouge with French fries and Salad RDS 299.- We recomment us for all kinds of Saturdays Karaoke Jepolls with DJ Jean Pierre Start at 7Pm Sundays Dart Tournament Start 8 Pm Wednesdays + Thursdays Closed NOBBY’S 809 841 1141 (GYROS SUMMER BREAK Aig THANK YOU to all of our loyal customers. (ur delicious GYROS willbe available again as from November |WE WILL CONTINUE TO TAKE YOUR DELI ORDERS: Das ganze Jahr auf Bestellung | | All year through available on verfiigbar: order: ‘Aufschnit: Roast beef, gerduchertes Cold cuts: Roost beef, cold-smoked beef Findfleisch, erducherte Huhnerbrust, ‘old-smoked chicken breast, cold. smoked ‘erduchertes Schweinefilet, Kochschinken | | pork ile; cooked cured ham Frisches Fleisch: Schweinefilet, Steak, Fresh meat: Pork filet, tenderloin steak, ‘Steak Tatar Reok tartare Servierfertg: Schweinebraten in dicke Ready to serve: Roast pork Into thick slices elder THEY SAY IT’S BETTER TO BE POOR AND HAPPY THAN RICH AND MISERABLE. HOW ABUT A COMPROMISE... MODERATELY RICH AND A BIT MOODY?! ress Costambar Monthly page 8 Pe Asa Because rumour, gossip, hearsay and anecdotes are just sooo much more fun! COSTAMBAR NOW REFERRED TO AS A NORTH ‘GHOST’ TOWN! The last few strays made their way home this past month and things are pretty quiet now. You can not only drive past Yenny’s Supermarket with ease, you can find a parking spot!! Bar stools and tables are plentiful at local bars and restaurants. Not that nothing is going on. It is. But it’s a low key, laid back, summer time, chilled out kind of vibe. Now it’s time to rest and recuperate before next season, Shhhh! RIGHT UP THERE WITH THE CHEQUE’S IN THE MAIL! Let's face it. A lot of us, while excited by the prospect, didn’t really ¥ a believe in real 24 hour power. And honestly, more hours on than off oi would have made us very happy. The last month or so has seen an t@< — unprecedented number of power outages since we had the new system put in. They are often attributed to ‘routine maintenance’ but admit it - we'd all have amazing beach bodies iF our exercise routine was this often. Time will tell if this is our new normal or if it 5 was just an anomaly. THE BARK IS WORSE THAN THE BITE? One thing | heard a lot this past season were complaints about dog barking and uncontrolled dogs. Not sure why they bent my ear so much when I can only advise them to go to the APC or the Dog and Cats of the Dominican Republic (DCDR). Both of these groups are much more capable of dealing with issues like this than this little magazine. | personally worked hard to train my dog not to bark uncontrollably for no good reason. And fortunately, the dogs on my street / only really bark when something is on the street that doesn’t belong there - I and this is barking | want to hear! So why am | writing this? | guess because I’m worried that if other people are starting to find the dogs a real problem for them and their enjoyment of life in the community then they may take matters into their own hands and we may end up with some misguided vigilante justice. | love Costambar and | love animals and my many many many years here give me a different set of tolerances and expectations for life here. But | can understand that other people have different needs and desires for their life here. And we all need to understand that. Maybe having six constantly barking dogs (or even one) doesn’t bother you but it may just be making some of your neighbours suicidal - or homicidal! Compromise people - it's a beautiful thing. Deal with your animals before something tragic has a chance to happen. EXPAT AND AN AMERICAN VET? VA Costambar Monthly has published info before on the availability of health care for American Vets here on the North Coast. And we CARE sometimes get people giving us a few details and then saying that someone from the organization will get in touch or that they themselves will place an ad for the VA. Unfortunately, this never happens. My best advice iF you need more info on the VA is to pass by Big Lee’s Beach Bar on the Malecon. He has made his bar ‘Home of the Veterans’ and I’m he sure could point you in the right direction to find more info. Costambar Monthly page 9 THE RAINY DAY PAGE SOLUTIONS ON PAGE 10 SUDOKU PUZZLES Fill in the missing numbers so every row, column and quadrant contains the number 1 through 9. BEGINNER FLOWERS Find and circle all of the words that are hidden in the grid, The remaining letters spell a hidden message PLAVENDERACROARAOSA YIAINUTEPEDANEEEROR SULOIGDALGOGTLEWESLE ICEUYANTRYHNKIONHOS AHASTERNOUNCIYLAIGR DREHTAEHRNOOAGFROIE FYEGQeoOO|1HHELELNDSRG OSTWLIUEYTSMIPRYEAR XAAQOMRLLTNSTHOHLMM GNGIELLORPIIRECSLNA LTFASOFGGAHKOMGIFOR OHUEHEENNFCICAWRLAY VECOUMETUOPANEYIOFL EMHLEGHRTSLARISHWEL CUSRSUMSFLELRNUGEOI IMILSGERANIUMAAMROS TAAHTAERESYBABDTAIS ASITAMELCWORRAYIILS TELQIYSOUVARDIAWSOE SLILYSNAPORAGONETEN [ALSTROEMERIA CORNFLOWER GOLDEN ROD PANSY AMARYLUS DAFFODIL HEATHER PEONY ANTHURIUM DAISY HOLLYHOCKS PETUNIA ASTER DELPHINIUM HYACINTH ROSE BABY'S BREATH —FORGET-ME-NOT HYDRANGEA SNAPDRAGON BELLFLOWER —FOXGLOVE IRIS. STATICE BIRD OF PARADISE FREESIA LAVENDER STOCK BOUVAROIA FUCHSIA utac. SUNFLOWER CALA GERANIUM LILY TUUP CARNATION GERBERA USIANTHUS VIOLET CHRYSANTHEMUM GINGER MARIGOLD YARROW CLEMATIS GLADIOLUS ORCHID > + + Across 1. Schematic drawing | | | | | | 5. Thick cushion used as 7 a seat 6. Captivate | | | | | | 7. Voter - Down 1. Jurisdiction of a bishop ee esensers vou a 7 3. Oddment 4. Fiend Costambar Monthly page 10 Coun ned The Best Value for your Advertising Peso! CABLE VISION SIZE DIMENSIONS [PRICE/MONTH ELTECSA, S.A. FULLPAGE — BACK 8x10" 054700 Calle Principal #5 FULLPAGEINTERIOR | _8°X10" $3200 Costambar, Pto. Pta. FULLPAGE-INSIDEBACK) _8°X10" RD$3750 TEL: 809-970-7194 trace [@xs"0n #xi0"| —_ADS1800 RNC 1-01-63910-5 1/4 PAGE ans” ‘RD$1000 1/8 PAGE TRS ROSSIS. BUSINESS CARD AD iy n0s450 Contact Us costambarmonthly@yahoo.ca QUALITY DOMINICAN www.costambarmonthly.com a2. 809-970-7507/809-449-1820 _ CIGARS!! $e _suy virect SUS TOT aya) | AT FACTORY PRICES! DELIVERED TO YOUR SAY YOU SAW IT IN HOTEL CALL THE CIGAR MAN hd eee OR 1S G|R/A|M a | 4 M N | _E A T | _G C|T/O|R BEGINNER INTERMEDIATE 3)9]5]4]6)1]8]2|7] [38/9] 1/4 6]7 215 7\2elelaiol1{sl4||1/4|7]2[5|alole ia 4/e{1[2[7|5|3[s 6] |2/s/e]slol7el4(1| HIDDEN MESSAGE 2/67 [5[1/2[4 [3/8] [4/1 [8/5 [3 [ale [72 A rose by any other name 2/5[8{3[4e[7[1/9| lelals|7|1 [2/3 [ela would smell as sweet. 1/4[3lalsi7[5[6/2]|7/3l2le(ei4|5 [1/9 we Nee Neg 8/1 /4]el2/al9|7[s| [9 6/1 [8/2 [ala [siz = 6/3975 /4[2[8|1| |si2[sl4l7[s|1 fale cee sc] sos rebel] [szleblenebis Costambar Monthly page 11 It was entertainment night at the senior citizens’ center. After the sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude. ‘The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see, "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch --- Watch the watch" ‘The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. Abundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently waying watch. They ‘were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain brokell! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact "SHIT" said Claude. It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens’ Center and Claude was never invited there again. Health Insurance Available Through “International Residents Club” RD$1580 Includes Dental RD$1890 with Drugs FOR DETAILED INFO OR TO PAY Tuesday May 5 & June 2 Barcos, Malecon, Puerto Plata 5pm Pedro's Bar, Costambar 6:30pm Or call Petra & Marcel Bahr 809-904-8535/809-543-2155 Professional MASSAGE + Therapeutic massage 4 Sport massage Deep tissue massage ‘¢ Trigger point massage ¢ Lymph massage’ drainage + Relax massage NOW OFFERING LASER THERAPY! Home And Hotel Visits Tel: 829 549 9516 Email: plokkie@hotmail.com Costambar Monthly page 12 THE GLOBAL RECESSION ‘The recession has hit everybody really hard. My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail, Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries. CEO's are now playing miniature golf Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. A stripper was injured when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced. I saw a Mormon with only one wife. If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them, McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America, Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. ‘My cousin had an exorcismn but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her! A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. A picture is now only worth 200 words. When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. ‘The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. a ey OP al TE eCeaer sag ttt) 6 Bedrooms, 7 Baths and a maid quarters ; 1200 sq meter lot Cea elec} bob: be Ke Ko) (ole TR MOD UR LT PE Rue oe EMule: eee Mure ets) ose am X-t-l hd Great for personal Cec eee) Next to Bayside Hill Park I GOT THROWN OUT OF THE CASINO LAST NIGHT. APPARENTLY I MISUNDERSTOOD WHAT THE CRAPS TABLE WAS FOR! > as LOCATED IN LA SIRENA PUERTO PLATA WWW.YOGURTLAND.COM.DO. lle Sti iey orl lext-3 809-837-6845 www.casaloase.com Costambar Monthly page 13 HAVING | RUST ee steel, galvanized metal. zinc. aluminum, ‘un oF previously painted surfaces. + Is a universal paint primer. and a "rust ‘converting paint primer + Can overcoat with all different types ‘of paint - no restrictions. + Needs no sanding or deglossing. = is a self etching primor that "bicos™ into a painted surface, + Isa unique I-step process. | From their website | Call Colin 809-449-1819 | ‘CLEAR FIBERGLASS 7 GALLON PROPANE CYLINDER TANK 24” TALL & 12” DIAMETER Tanks & valves are brand new Made in the USA Always know how much gas you get or have left! Lightweight & rustproof! ONLY RD$2500 NOW AVAILABLE 3 GALLON FIBERGLASS TANKS!! IDEAL FOR BOATS! ONLY RD$2300 CALL COLIN AT 809-449-1819 DURING SEX YOU BURN AS MANY CALORIES AS RUNNING FOR 5 MILES! WHO THE HELL RUNS 5 MILES. IN 30 SECONDS!?!?! IT’S ALL SHITS AND GIGGLES ST TS GIGGLES AND Sys Beautiful lot just a couple of minutes from the Star Market in Puerto Plata. gi 750 square metres, quiet road, nice neighbourhood. Mountain view and harbour views. Spectacular view of the city lights at night. CALL PHOTO MIKE 809-492-9146 or EMAIL fullmoonphotos@hotmail.com A lot of peg) chop.oni form an Costambar Monthly page 14 COSTAMBAR Real Estate Yours could be their choice ! We daily get inquiries from serious buyers interested in properties in Costambar. Call 829.898.06.07 to list your property. www.costambar-realestate.com—info@costambar-realestate.com ee Large screen, Plasma screen & Light E 809-204-4172 Email dj.marilyne_karaoke_tropical@hotmail. ‘SOUND RENTAL. J Marilyne M.A. Keraokeaiony ‘WHEN COMFORTING A ‘GRAMMAR NAZI ALWAYS SAY SOFTLY, “THERE, THEIR, THEY'RE” I HAVE GREAT TASTE! 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