What To Do This Month
Definitely Not The News
The Rainy Day Page
Useful Telephone Numbers
Classified Ads
‘And Lots More Fun Stuff!
COSTAMBAR
Yenny’s Market
Catamaran Beach Bar
El Carey
Ten Costambar Library
& Pedro's Bar & Restaurant
Vik’s Place
La Otra
Las Rocas
PUERTO PLATA
Big Lee's Beach Bar
Tropical Bar
Yogurt Land - La Sirena
Meeting Place
LAS ROCAS
Page 4 - Are you a redneck? Los Tres Cocos
Page 6 - The long arm of the law? ‘COFRESI
Page t1- When I snap my fingers... ‘Ocean World Marina
Page 12 - When the going gets tough? LUPERON
“| Puerto Blanco Marina
=
If you're not 4
a
going to snort, §
why bother
laughing?!
vatCostambar Monthly page 2
da Wee om le) a
Los Tres Cocos in Las Rocas invites you to try
something different. Call 809-993-4503 for
details. Fine dining at it’s best!
At The Catamaran on Costambar Beach you'll
find great food at great prices enjoyed with a
million dollar view! Enjoy a relaxing breakfast on
the beach. Every day they have Power Hour with
3X1 cuba libres from 6-7pm. Their food never
disappoints! Ice Cream Desserts!!! WIFI ZONE!!!
Big Lee’s Beach Bar on the Malecon has
fantastic food at affordable prices! Amazing Fish
& Chips, big juicy burgers and yummy
sandwiches. Karaoke with DJ Marilyne & Karaoke
Tropical is on May 9th & 23rd - starts 8pm.
Kevin & Patricia invite you to El Carey
Restaurant - where you can enjoy the beach
your way!! Every day 2 cuba/santo libres for
RD$100 from 5-7pm. The best burger in town,
Kevin’s homemade Mamajuana and fresh made
Pina Coladas! On Saturdays & Sundays they are
serving Rice & Beans. They now have empanadas
with lobster! WiFi!
Pedro’s Bar & Restaurant has a full menu
including Pedro’s Famous Cordon Bleu. Fridays
4-6pm they have cocktail specials. Watch all
your favourite sports events here! WIFI Zone!
Tropical Bar on the Malecon has over 20 types of
Belgian beer and 8 sports channels! They serve a
variety of food and tapas and every Friday have
karaoke - including Dutch songs! Wednesdays get
3 crepes for RD$100 with real Belgian sugar &
syrup. Daiquiris on special every Thursday - buy
2 get the 3rd one free! Fresh new meal specials
all the time - pass by and check them out! And
relax in comfy new lounge furniture!
Nobby’s Gyros & Deli Delivery Service is
suspending the Gyros until November. The deli is
still available with all kinds of delicious meats to
tempt your taste buds!
Vik’s Place is open from 4pm till whenever for
cold drinks and hot snacks! Try Vik’s Burgers and
Spaghetti! Happy Hour & a half from 6:30pm-
8pm with rum drinks for RDS60 and Grandes for
RDS110. Good selection of Belgian beers at good
prices. Great rock music from the 80s & 90s!
Biker friendly! Now open for breakfast 9am-1pm
and Saturday and Sundays from 9am-9pm!
La Otra has Karaoke every Saturday night. Open
for breakfast at 8am. Try their famous Chivo
Picante (spicy goat) or other menu items. Air-
conditioned bar & lounge for your comfort. They
would love to host your next event - from
baptism to bachelor parties to weddings.
Las Rocas is having a two Specials from May 3rd
to May 31st - Schnitzel, fries and salad only
RD$199 or Cordon Bleu/Rouge, fries and salad
for only RDS2991 Every Saturday Karaoke with DJ
Jean Pierre at 7pm! Every Sunday Darts
Tournament starts at 8pm.
Puerto Blanco Marina & Restaurant in Luperon
is under new management and they invite you to
visit their newly renovated restaurant and patio.
They have Sunday specials and other events.
NOVINOPHOBIA
Oe Crea Senet
out of wine.
z
te
Os
(=e
mr pvCostambar Monthly page 3
Los Tres Geos
RESTAURANT
INTERNATIONAL GOURMET,
CUISINE
&
AUSTRIAN SPECIALTIES.
Saturday
May 9th & 23rd
Featuring Du Marilyne
& Karaoke Tropical
Fantastic Food at Affordable Prices!
FISH & CHIPS * HAMBURGERS & FRIES
TeL(808) 970-7627
Cel (80 953-4503
Las Rocas Cofesi,
Martes Cerrado
SLEEP IS LIKE SEX..
YOU NEVER GET ENOUGH OF IT | “”
AND SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE
IT NEVER HAPPENED AT ALL!
El Catamaran
On the Beach in Costambar
ENJOY THE
TRANQUILITY!
8am till 8em
809-710-7606
GREAT! THE VOICES IN My HEAD
HAVE LEARNED SPANISH...
NOw I DON’T KNOW WHAT
THE FUCK THEY ARE SAYING!
HOT DOGS & SANDWICHES
RATED IN THE TOP 5
THINGS TO DO IN
PUERTO PLATA!!
@Otrip
WORLD'S MOST TRUSTED TRAVEL ADVICE
Someone asked me, "and now
that you are retired, do you still
have a job or hobby?"
Ireplied, "Yes I am my wife's
sexual adviser.”
"Somewhat shocked, they said "I
beg your pardon, but what do
you mean by that?"
“Very simple. My wife has told
me that when she wants my
facking advice, she'll ask me for
it”
Yass
WK
VOLE 1s
Dt ae
TS
aa
aSCostambar Monthly page 4
‘Puerto Blanco
Marina & Restaurant
Proyecto Ciudad Marina Luperon
Marina Luperon ,Bahia Luperon
849-207-2211
puertoblancomarina@gmail.com
FULL MENU!
SUNDAY LUNCH SPECIALS!
SPECIAL EVENTS!
BAR & RESTAURANT
In front of Yenny’s
‘Open Monday-Saturday
10:30am-9pm
Closed Sundays
809-970-7786 S®
Yes, the new one is out, brand new edition of.."You
know you're a redneck when...”
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the
same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15,
minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4, You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do
off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back
J and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than
you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12, Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas
list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a
hunting dog.
15, You go to the stock car races and don't need a
program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will
hold.
17, You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck
does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-
rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21, You consider your license plate personalized
because your father made it.
22 . Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they
all cay "Cool Whip" on the side,
24, The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-
Mart
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-
working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board ae a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does
$100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your Sth grade graduation because
‘you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.Costambar Monthly page 5
note
A Window was something you
hated to clean
And a Ram was the father of a
goat
Meg was the name of a girtfriend
f= And Gig was a job for the nights
4 SS | Now they all mean different
is $ ri things
cr
Na \ 4 h ‘And that really Mega Bytes.
REMEMBER WHEN?
SING 5 OTN BD correct
From a science fiction show of
= an)
2
An Application was for
Try Our Famous employment
Chivo Picante! Aeon estpebete
Other menu items available also} **sso4 wes piano
lemory was something that
lost with age
Open for Breakfast at Sam! | ico wera bark account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
Karaoke Every Saturday! You haped that nobody found
Air conditioned Bar & Lounge! | j77°y773.."""
Not somethi did to a file
Available for All Events 2nd if you Unaipped anything in
ti * ibli
Weddings Baby Showers You'd be in jail for a while.
Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties tag On was adding wood tothe
Baptisms * Birthdays Hard Drive was a long trip on the
road
809-970-7617 A Mouse pad was where a mouse
829-770-0661 lived
And a Backup happened to your
commode,
tingplacePuertaPiatacom | | | CAME, Cut you did with a pocket knife
The Maeting Place Paste you did with glue
abe meptng rece A Web was a spider's home
Summer Season ISAW, Ao ymeameer se
Hours 1:00 pm - 4:00 pm, Tuesday to Friday Iquess I'll stick to my pad and
10:00am ~ *:00 pm, Saturday IMADEA jcc yP
TRNSRGRD, Puerto Pita And the Memory in my head.
SARCASTIC tear nobody's been killed in a
Computer crash
REMARK, But when it happens they wish
they were dead.Costambar Monthly page 6
MORE THAN 20 TYPES OF BELGIAN BEER!
8 SPORTS CHANNELS! VARIETY OF FOOD & TAPAS!
Ceo Teele eli Se) Co CoD UE TS
Rochefort 10: 1.3% Westmalle Tr
Westuleteren 12: 10.2% Abbaye des Rocs:
Sint Bernardus 12: 10% Chimay Blue: 9%
CQrrovicawarror GP vipaavisor
ON THE MALECON, CASETA #3, PUERTO PLATA.
OPEN FROM 12PM. CLOSED TUESDAYS.
ELE
20 Teun Har onsen
WELCOME TO
KEVIN & PATRICIA’S EL CAREY
Where you can enjoy the beach your way!
EVERY DAY 5-7pm!
2 Cuba/Santo Libres for RD$100
to Plata
199248299
Breakfast & Burgers!
(and Beer, don't forget the beer!)
A very successful attorney parked his brand new
Bentley in front of his office, ready to show it off
to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck
came along too closely and completely tore off the
driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was
close enough to see the accident and pulled up
behind the Bentley with his lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions,
the attorney started screaming hysterically about
how his Bentley, which he had just purchased the
day before, was completely ruined and would
never be the same, no matter how any car body
shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant,
the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe
how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You
are so focused on your possessions that you
neglect the most important things in life.”
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer
‘The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your
left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck
hit you!"
‘OH, MY GODIl!" screamed the lawyer.
"My Rolex!”Costambar Monthly page 7
3.0f May -31.0f May RESTAURANT 6
Schnitzel with French fries and Salad STEAKHOUSE
RDS 199,-
Cordon bleu or Cordon rouge with
French fries and Salad
RDS 299.-
We recomment us for all kinds of
Saturdays Karaoke Jepolls with DJ Jean Pierre
Start at 7Pm
Sundays Dart Tournament Start 8 Pm
Wednesdays + Thursdays Closed
NOBBY’S
809 841 1141
(GYROS SUMMER BREAK
Aig THANK YOU to all of our loyal customers.
(ur delicious GYROS willbe available again as from November
|WE WILL CONTINUE TO TAKE YOUR DELI ORDERS:
Das ganze Jahr auf Bestellung | | All year through available on
verfiigbar: order:
‘Aufschnit: Roast beef, gerduchertes Cold cuts: Roost beef, cold-smoked beef
Findfleisch, erducherte Huhnerbrust, ‘old-smoked chicken breast, cold. smoked
‘erduchertes Schweinefilet, Kochschinken | | pork ile; cooked cured ham
Frisches Fleisch: Schweinefilet, Steak, Fresh meat: Pork filet, tenderloin steak,
‘Steak Tatar Reok tartare
Servierfertg: Schweinebraten in dicke Ready to serve: Roast pork Into thick slices
elder
THEY SAY IT’S BETTER TO BE
POOR AND HAPPY THAN
RICH AND MISERABLE.
HOW ABUT A COMPROMISE...
MODERATELY RICH AND
A BIT MOODY?!
ressCostambar Monthly page 8
Pe Asa
Because rumour, gossip, hearsay and anecdotes are just sooo much more fun!
COSTAMBAR NOW REFERRED TO AS A NORTH ‘GHOST’ TOWN!
The last few strays made their way home this past month and
things are pretty quiet now. You can not only drive past Yenny’s
Supermarket with ease, you can find a parking spot!! Bar stools
and tables are plentiful at local bars and restaurants. Not that
nothing is going on. It is. But it’s a low key, laid back, summer
time, chilled out kind of vibe. Now it’s time to rest and
recuperate before next season, Shhhh!
RIGHT UP THERE WITH THE CHEQUE’S IN THE MAIL!
Let's face it. A lot of us, while excited by the prospect, didn’t really
¥ a believe in real 24 hour power. And honestly, more hours on than off
oi would have made us very happy. The last month or so has seen an
t@< — unprecedented number of power outages since we had the new
system put in. They are often attributed to ‘routine maintenance’
but admit it - we'd all have amazing beach bodies iF our exercise
routine was this often. Time will tell if this is our new normal or if it
5 was just an anomaly.
THE BARK IS WORSE THAN THE BITE?
One thing | heard a lot this past season were complaints about dog barking and
uncontrolled dogs. Not sure why they bent my ear so much when I can only
advise them to go to the APC or the Dog and Cats of the Dominican Republic
(DCDR). Both of these groups are much more capable of dealing with issues like
this than this little magazine. | personally worked hard to train my dog not to
bark uncontrollably for no good reason. And fortunately, the dogs on my street
/ only really bark when something is on the street that doesn’t belong there -
I and this is barking | want to hear!
So why am | writing this? | guess because I’m worried that if other people are
starting to find the dogs a real problem for them and their enjoyment of life in the community then
they may take matters into their own hands and we may end up with some misguided vigilante
justice.
| love Costambar and | love animals and my many many many years here give me a different set of
tolerances and expectations for life here. But | can understand that other people have different
needs and desires for their life here. And we all need to understand that. Maybe having six
constantly barking dogs (or even one) doesn’t bother you but it may just be making some of your
neighbours suicidal - or homicidal!
Compromise people - it's a beautiful thing. Deal with your animals before something tragic has a
chance to happen.
EXPAT AND AN AMERICAN VET?
VA Costambar Monthly has published info before on the availability of
health care for American Vets here on the North Coast. And we
CARE sometimes get people giving us a few details and then saying that
someone from the organization will get in touch or that they
themselves will place an ad for the VA. Unfortunately, this never
happens. My best advice iF you need more info on the VA is to pass by Big Lee’s Beach Bar on the
Malecon. He has made his bar ‘Home of the Veterans’ and I’m he sure could point you in the right
direction to find more info.Costambar Monthly page 9
THE RAINY DAY PAGE
SOLUTIONS ON PAGE 10
SUDOKU PUZZLES
Fill in the missing numbers so every row, column and
quadrant contains the number 1 through 9.
BEGINNER
FLOWERS
Find and circle all of the words that are hidden in the grid,
The remaining letters spell a hidden message
PLAVENDERACROARAOSA
YIAINUTEPEDANEEEROR
SULOIGDALGOGTLEWESLE
ICEUYANTRYHNKIONHOS
AHASTERNOUNCIYLAIGR
DREHTAEHRNOOAGFROIE
FYEGQeoOO|1HHELELNDSRG
OSTWLIUEYTSMIPRYEAR
XAAQOMRLLTNSTHOHLMM
GNGIELLORPIIRECSLNA
LTFASOFGGAHKOMGIFOR
OHUEHEENNFCICAWRLAY
VECOUMETUOPANEYIOFL
EMHLEGHRTSLARISHWEL
CUSRSUMSFLELRNUGEOI
IMILSGERANIUMAAMROS
TAAHTAERESYBABDTAIS
ASITAMELCWORRAYIILS
TELQIYSOUVARDIAWSOE
SLILYSNAPORAGONETEN
[ALSTROEMERIA CORNFLOWER GOLDEN ROD PANSY
AMARYLUS DAFFODIL HEATHER PEONY
ANTHURIUM DAISY HOLLYHOCKS PETUNIA
ASTER DELPHINIUM HYACINTH ROSE
BABY'S BREATH —FORGET-ME-NOT HYDRANGEA SNAPDRAGON
BELLFLOWER —FOXGLOVE IRIS. STATICE
BIRD OF PARADISE FREESIA LAVENDER STOCK
BOUVAROIA FUCHSIA utac. SUNFLOWER
CALA GERANIUM LILY TUUP
CARNATION GERBERA USIANTHUS VIOLET
CHRYSANTHEMUM GINGER MARIGOLD YARROW
CLEMATIS GLADIOLUS ORCHID
> + + Across
1. Schematic drawing
| | | | | | 5. Thick cushion used as
7 a seat
6. Captivate
| | | | | | 7. Voter
- Down
1. Jurisdiction of a
bishop
ee esensers vou a
7 3. Oddment
4. FiendCostambar Monthly page 10
Coun ned
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SIZE DIMENSIONS [PRICE/MONTH ELTECSA, S.A.
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FULLPAGE-INSIDEBACK) _8°X10" RD$3750 TEL: 809-970-7194
trace [@xs"0n #xi0"| —_ADS1800 RNC 1-01-63910-5
1/4 PAGE ans” ‘RD$1000
1/8 PAGE TRS ROSSIS.
BUSINESS CARD AD iy n0s450
Contact Us
costambarmonthly@yahoo.ca QUALITY DOMINICAN
www.costambarmonthly.com
a2. 809-970-7507/809-449-1820
_ CIGARS!!
$e _suy virect
SUS TOT aya) | AT FACTORY PRICES!
DELIVERED TO YOUR
SAY YOU SAW IT IN HOTEL
CALL THE CIGAR MAN
hd eee OR 1S
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= 6/3975 /4[2[8|1| |si2[sl4l7[s|1 fale
cee sc] sos rebel] [szleblenebisCostambar Monthly page 11
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens’
center. After the sing along led by Alice at the
piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude
the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the
whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the
same time." said Claude.
‘The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude
carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a
beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said
Claude, holding the watch high for all to see, "It is
a very special and valuable watch that has been in
my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and
forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch ---
Watch the watch --- Watch the watch"
‘The audience became mesmerized as the watch
swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling
as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
Abundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the
movements of the gently waying watch. They
‘were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain brokell! The
beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on
impact
"SHIT" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior
Citizens’ Center and Claude was never invited
there again.
Health
Insurance
Available Through
“International Residents Club”
RD$1580 Includes Dental
RD$1890 with Drugs
FOR DETAILED INFO OR TO PAY
Tuesday May 5 & June 2
Barcos, Malecon, Puerto Plata 5pm
Pedro's Bar, Costambar 6:30pm
Or call Petra & Marcel Bahr
809-904-8535/809-543-2155
Professional
MASSAGE
+ Therapeutic massage
4 Sport massage
Deep tissue massage
‘¢ Trigger point massage
¢ Lymph massage’ drainage
+ Relax massage
NOW OFFERING LASER THERAPY!
Home And Hotel Visits
Tel: 829 549 9516
Email: plokkie@hotmail.comCostambar Monthly page 12
THE GLOBAL RECESSION
‘The recession has hit everybody really hard.
My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail,
Wives are having sex with their husbands because
they can't afford batteries.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was injured when her audience showered
her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient
Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or
them,
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America,
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned
their children's names.
‘My cousin had an exorcismn but couldn't afford to pay
for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into
Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to
share a room.
‘The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now
managed by Somali pirates.
a ey OP al
TE eCeaer sag ttt)
6 Bedrooms, 7 Baths
and a maid quarters ;
1200 sq meter lot
Cea elec}
bob: be Ke Ko)
(ole TR MOD UR LT
PE Rue oe
EMule: eee Mure ets)
ose am X-t-l hd
Great for personal
Cec eee)
Next to Bayside Hill Park
I GOT THROWN OUT OF THE
CASINO LAST NIGHT.
APPARENTLY I MISUNDERSTOOD
WHAT THE CRAPS TABLE WAS FOR!
>
as
LOCATED IN LA SIRENA
PUERTO PLATA
WWW.YOGURTLAND.COM.DO.
lle Sti iey orl lext-3
809-837-6845
www.casaloase.comCostambar Monthly page 13
HAVING | RUST ee
steel, galvanized metal. zinc. aluminum,
‘un oF previously painted surfaces.
+ Is a universal paint primer. and a "rust
‘converting paint primer
+ Can overcoat with all different types
‘of paint - no restrictions.
+ Needs no sanding or deglossing.
= is a self etching primor that "bicos™
into a painted surface,
+ Isa unique I-step process.
| From their website |
Call Colin 809-449-1819 |
‘CLEAR FIBERGLASS
7 GALLON
PROPANE CYLINDER TANK
24” TALL & 12” DIAMETER
Tanks & valves are brand new
Made in the USA
Always know how much gas
you get or have left!
Lightweight & rustproof!
ONLY RD$2500
NOW AVAILABLE 3 GALLON
FIBERGLASS TANKS!!
IDEAL FOR BOATS!
ONLY RD$2300
CALL COLIN AT 809-449-1819
DURING SEX YOU BURN AS
MANY CALORIES AS RUNNING
FOR 5 MILES!
WHO THE HELL RUNS 5 MILES.
IN 30 SECONDS!?!?!
IT’S ALL SHITS
AND GIGGLES
ST TS
GIGGLES AND
Sys
Beautiful lot just a couple of minutes
from the Star Market in Puerto Plata.
gi 750 square metres, quiet road, nice
neighbourhood.
Mountain view and harbour views.
Spectacular view of the city lights
at night.
CALL PHOTO MIKE
809-492-9146
or EMAIL fullmoonphotos@hotmail.com
A lot of peg)
chop.oni
form anCostambar Monthly page 14
COSTAMBAR Real Estate
Yours could be their choice !
We daily get inquiries from
serious buyers interested in
properties in Costambar.
Call 829.898.06.07 to list your property.
www.costambar-realestate.com—info@costambar-realestate.com
ee
Large screen, Plasma screen & Light E
809-204-4172
Email dj.marilyne_karaoke_tropical@hotmail.
‘SOUND RENTAL.
J Marilyne M.A.
Keraokeaiony
‘WHEN COMFORTING A
‘GRAMMAR NAZI
ALWAYS SAY SOFTLY,
“THERE, THEIR, THEY'RE”
I HAVE
GREAT
TASTE!
I Sust
DON’T
HAVE THE
CASH TO
PROVE IT!
12 YEARS IN THE
DOMINICAN REPUBLIC
FREE ESTIMATES
ALSO - TILING WORK
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IMMIGRATION & RESIDENCY
Classes & Consultati
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reds by DRS mat experienced nd co
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HOTEL ¥