Raising Siblings without Rivalry

Is it Possible?
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So can I really raise siblings without rivalry? No. But, don't lose hope, hang in there,
because there is some good news.
In fact, there will always be rivalry between siblings because every human being is an
individual with unique needs and personalities. It is natural to go through sibling rivalry
while growing up because its the learning process for them.
Parent's job is to teach his children how to solve these problems and how to adjust
accordingly in life. If job is done right - sibling rivalry can even help their social and
emotional development.
What is Sibling Rivalry?
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Sibling Rivalry - is a disagreement between brothers and sisters. It comes in different
forms: jealousy, competition, fighting, teasing and many many more.
This is how sibling rivalry has been in our house lately between a 5 year old and a 2 year
old.
Why is he sleeping with you?
I want to be in the carrier too...
He pulled my hair...
He broke my castle...
I wish my brother wasnt born...
I dont like my brother anymore...
He just bit me again!!!
Mamaaaaa!
Causes of Sibling Rivalries
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Before your start applying different methods to stop sibling rivalry, you need to know
what causes it. It's the key to building a successful sibling relationship.
There are many things that can influence and cause sibling rivalry. The most common
ones are:

jealousy over parents, toys, other belongings, etc.

birth order

childs personality

insecure attachments with parents

Sometimes the fight is not about THE toy - there is something else hiding under that.

Are they tired or overwhelmed?

Are they hungry?

Are they just trying to get your attention?

Did one of the siblings got more attention due to his birthday or some
accomplishments in school?
It is important to read your childrens cues to understand the causes of sibling rivalries.
The sooner you see them, the better you will be able to apply some methods to prevent
or stop their disagreements.
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So now when you know what sibling rivalry is and what are the reasons of it, it is time to
stop it.
Wait. Did you try preventing it first? Trust me, it is worth a shot.
#1 Tip. Secure Attachments.

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It all begins during infancy. When you create secure attachments with your children it
affects their lives in many ways including the sibling rivalry.
Secure attachment means that a child knows that you love him and you are there for him
anytime no matter what, even when the new baby comes to the family.
Click here to read about some tips on creating a secure infant attachment.
#2 Tip. Early Sibling Bonds.
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Make siblings bond before birth. New babys arrival in the family is a joy, but it's a bigger
stress for an older child. He is no longer the baby of the family, his parents kiss and hug
another baby too. There is so much things going on in older childs head. As parents start
bonding with the unborn child, a sibling should too:

talk to him about the baby every day. Show him images on how is he growing, let
him touch when the baby is moving

big brother/sister books are very helpful.

involve older child into babys birth day as much as possible.

#3 Tip. Positive Discipline
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Imply Positive Discipline techniques. Kids follow you and absorb everything you do like
sponges. Be a good example, respect them and treat them the way you want to be
treated.
#4 Tip. Individual Time with each Sibling.
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Spend some one-on-one time with each sibling individually. As much as you need date
nights with your partner once in awhile, kids need that undivided attention and love too.
Pick their favorite activity and do it as often as you can.
When I ask my daughter what was the best memory of the week she always mentions
our date mornings when we go to the bookstore to read books and have some tea.
Just me and her.
#5 Tip. Let Them Play
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When siblings are playing together nicely - DONT interrupt.

Cancel play dates, delay meal times (reasonably), sit back and enjoy their bond
and the peace.

After the play, compliment their specific actions that contributed to a successful
play time.

Often remind them the times they were playing nice:

"Remember how you guys build that tall tower out of shoe boxes? That was super fun,
wasn't it?"
6. Dont compare.
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Comparing (Why cant you be responsible as your sister) or putting labels ("he is the
smart one and she is the pretty one") on children can do some heavy emotional damage
for them.
Not only it will affect them negatively, it will push them further away and will cause more
jealousy and disagreements between siblings.
My dad always referred to my brother as a "sporty" one. As a result I lost any kind of
encouragement and desire to do sports and be athletic because I thought I would never
be as good as my brother.

#7 Tip. Rules and Boundaries.

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Set some rules and boundaries on how siblings have to treat each other: no hitting, no
teasing, knocking before coming into siblings room.
It would be more effective if you would set those boundaries together with your children.
Have a family meeting and discuss what bothers them most. Right them down and hang
the list of the rules on the house. Boundaries can change as children grow.
Right now, in our house we have no hitting and no biting rule. A 2 year old is in the
biting and hitting stage. My goal for the next few months was to teach our 5 year old not
to hit or bite back when she gets hurt from her little brother.
Instead, we both try to learn little man's cues and moods so we can predict the hits and
the bites. My daughter got pretty good at it. She starts running from her little brother,
when he has his open mouth, ready to bite. He chases her as it becomes a fun game and
they both forget that they wanted to hurt each other.
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* Update
Today he bit her badly. She cried a lot. But she didn't yell at him or hit him. Later, when I
asked her, what was she thinking when he bit her, she said:
"He is just little"...
I think we overachieved our yearly goal!
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** Update
It's been 2 weeks now and we haven't had a bite! Yayyy!
#8 Tip. Team up.
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Always encourage siblings to be a team. Even if they loose - it won't be against each
other. Avoid competition games between siblings:
who will eat broccoli faster, instead - Lets race - who will eat the broccoli faster - you
guys or - me and daddy.
#9 Tip. Give Space.
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Children are individuals, they need their own space sometimes as you and your partner
need some alone time away from each other too. Let them spend some time in separate
spaces so they will miss each other and will treat each other better afterwards.
#10 Tip. Likes and dislikes.
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Try to find their common interests. Involve them into those activities often. No common
interest? No problem. Try to find the same things they dont like. This should not be very
hard.
#12 Tip. Appreciate.
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Practice appreciation on daily basis in your family. Make it habit. Later, it will become
natural.
At the end of the day when we sit down for a family time, we talk about good or bad
things that happened to everyone during the day. No matter what the day has brought to
us - each of us have to find one positive thing to appreciate.
I appreciate that daddy took you for a hike today
I appreciate that mommy let me use her clothes for my dress-up play
I appreciate that my little brother hugged me without a reason

#12 Tip. Be an Example.

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Children watch you. Even when you think they dont pay attention. They absorb how you
interact with others, how you deal with the upsetting situation, what do you do when
someone cuts you off in traffic etc.
Kids learn from you how to deal with stressful situations. Make sure to show a good
example as much as possible. Dont forget - its ok to have negative feelings, its ok to
be upset, but what matters - is how you deal with it.
Pay attention how do you react when:

you get upset in traffic

someone is rude to you or insults you

telemarketer calls during dinner time

#13 Tip. Environment.
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Setting the proper home environment can save you a lot of sibling rivalry. Think of
spaces where your children could get along easier and with less fights. When organizing
those spaces keep in mind their age.
Make sure to have safe spaces for older ones so the little siblings wont come and
destroy everything.
#14 Tip. Feelings.
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Empathy, empathy, empathy. Teach it, show it, ask for it. You can find great tips here how
to teach empathy to kids.
Back To Top
of Siblings Without Rivalry
Stopping Sibling Rivalry
When you are in the middle of a battle field
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You know the reasons of sibling rivalry. You have tried to prevent sibling rivalry. The 3rd
step is to stop it. How to have siblings without rivalry at home?

find the problem;

look for options how to solve the problem;

name pros and cons of every option;

choose most appropriate option and stick with it.

#1 Tip. Don't intervene.
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Stay away from their conflicts as long as possible. Give the chance to work things out on
their own first. Use your judgment and decide when/if you need to jump in.
Study published in Child Development Journal suggests that parents should step back
and let siblings figure their disagreements out by themselves which should help them
avoid some emotional damage lasting for many years.
I know parents mean only well when they intervene sibling rivalries, but according to
psychologists - it can be harmful. They suggest to introduce and set some rules,
boundaries between siblings to keep everything under control.
This is effective if you set the rules BEFORE the rivalries.
Keep in mind, that younger siblings will need your guidance on how to solve those
arguments.
#2 Tip. Listen.
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2 children - 2 different stories. 5 children - 5 different stories. Listen to every one of them
till the end. Children feel much better when they can "let everything out". Teach the kids
to respect and don't interrupt when one is speaking.
Before they start stating each side of story remind them to say what has happened
versus "My sister is not nice to me". Ask siblings to find specific actions that made them
upset.
#3 Tip. Empathize.
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#4. The sides.
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Sometimes it can be very hard to resist, but don't take sides. No matter what. By doing
that, you may harm both children: the bully, who was just the guilty one - will feel less of
himself and the victim, who was just rescued - may carry the victim attitude later on.
After listening to their stories:

remind them of the family rules, keeping the positive note. Instead of saying:
"don't hit your brother". Try - "Solve your disagreements with words. Talk it out. Hitting,
spitting, biting is not allowed."

encourage them to look for a solution to the problem.

#5 Tip. Feelings.
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Sibling rivalry involves a lot of feelings. Usually - negative ones. And that's OK. But a
parent should help them learn how to properly express those feelings.
Remind them that they can be mad or upset at their siblings as long as they do it
respectfully.
"I am mad at my brother, because he broke my toy. I don't want to play with him
anymore."
#6. Tip. Humor.
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Humor or turning bad things into fun is one of my main parenting tools, because it works
for our family quite well. Even during sibling rivalries.
However, note that humor is not an answer to all the problems siblings will have.
Usually, it only helps with smaller disagreements.
- Mooooommy, he broke my crayons again. All of them. I just want to hit him!!!"
I give them a minute to see if they gonna solve their issues my themselves.
But since her brother is too little, it is kind of hard to talk it out at this point.
I remind the little one that he should play with his crayons instead of his sisters.
To smooth the situation
we make a craft of
melted crayons, which
my daughter later loved
it so much she ended
up thanking her brother
for breaking her
crayons.
#7. Tip. Negotiation.
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Negotiation is a skill they will treasure through the life. The sooner children learn it - the
better. Be creative and teach them to find a solution to a problem so everybody benefits.
Sharing problem? - tell them to take turns.

Both siblings want to open the package from grandmother? - tell them to choose who
wants to open and who wants to take the first present from the box.
Disagreeing on whose game to play first? - suggest them to play his game first, but her
game little longer.
Encourage children to find these kind of win-win solutions every day. Later on leave up to
them to brainstorm and negotiate the deal.
After the while you will be surprised of your little business associates.
My daughter learned the negotiation skill pretty well, even with a little brother who
doesn't talk yet.
If he takes one of her dolls and starts banging their heads on the wall, she runs to find
his favorite toy of the day and gives it to him.
She realized this was much better idea than snatching the doll out of his hands, making
him cry and disturbing the peace in the house.
Siblings Without Rivalry
by Elaine Mazlish, Adele Faber
Book Review
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When talking about siblings without rivalry I have to mention this book: Siblings without
Rivalry, by Elaine Mazlish and Adele Faber.
Here some of the notes that I wrote down when I was reading this book.
1. If kids are complaining about each other, repeat back by saying the same thing. It will
help kids to better understand their feelings.
2. If one child is hit accidently by another sibling, we should say: "You guys were having
so much fun, I am sure you didn't want that to happen." It will sound and put them back
on a good relationship track.
3. When the child is mad at his sibling - suggest to draw a picture about his feelings.
4. Love and treat your kids uniquely, not equally.

Parenting Your Strong-Willed Child

Have a strong-willed child? You're lucky! Strong willed children can be a challenge to
parent when theyre young, but if sensitively parented, they become terrific teens and
young adults. Self-motivated and inner-directed, they go after what they want and are
almost impervious to peer pressure. As long as parents resist the impulse to "break their
will," strong-willed kids often become leaders.
What exactly is a strong-willed, or spirited, child? Some parents call them "difficult" or
stubborn, but we could also see strong-willed kids as people of integrity who arent
easily swayed from their own viewpoints. Strong-willed kids want to learn things for
themselves rather than accepting what others accept, so they test the limits over and
over. They want desperately to be "in charge" of themselves, and will sometimes put
their desire to "be right" above everything else. When their heart is set on something,
their brains seem to have a hard time switching gears. Strong-willed kids have big,
passionate feelings and live at full throttle.
Often, strong-willed kids are prone to power-struggles with their parents. However, it
takes two to have a power struggle. You don't have to attend every argument to which
you're invited! If you can take a deep breath when your buttons get pushed, and remind
yourself that you can let your child save face and still get what you want, you can learn

to sidestep those power struggles. (Don't let your four year old make you act like a four
year old yourself!)
Parents who pay attention can avoid power struggles, even with strong-willed kids, by
empathizing as they set limits, giving choices, and understanding that respect goes both
ways. Looking for win/win solutions rather than just laying down the law keeps strongwilled children from becoming explosive and teaches them essential skills of negotiation
and compromise.
Strong-willed kids aren't just being difficult. They feel their integrity is compromised if
they're forced to submit to another person's will. If they're allowed to choose, they love
to cooperate. If this bothers you because you think obedience is an important quality, I'd
ask you to reconsider. Of course you want to raise a responsible, considerate,
cooperative child who does the right thing, even when it's hard. But that doesn't imply
obedience. That implies doing the right thing because you want to. Morality is doing
what's right, no matter what you're told. Obedience is doing what you're told, no matter
what's right.
So of course you want your child to do what you say. But not because he's obedient,
meaning that he always does what someone bigger tells him to do. No, you want him to
do what you say because he trusts YOU, because he's learned that even though you
can't always say yes to what he wants, you have his best interests at heart. You want to
raise a child who has self-discipline, takes responsibility, and is considerate -- and most
important, has the discernment to figure out who to trust and when to be influenced by
someone else.
Breaking a child's will leaves him open to the influence of others who often will not serve
him. What's more, it's a betrayal of the spiritual contract we make as parents.
That said, strong-willed kids can be a handful -- high energy, challenging, persistent. How
do we protect those fabulous qualities and encourage their cooperation?
Ten Tips for Positive Parenting Your Strong-Willed, Spirited Child
1. Avoid power struggles by using routines and rules.
That way, you aren't bossing them around, its just that
"The rule is we use the potty after every meal and snack," or "The schedule is that
lights-out is at 8pm. If you hurry, well have time for two books," or "In our house, we
finish homework before screen time."
The parent stops being the bad guy.
2. Remember that strong-willed kids are experiential learners.
That means they have to see for themselves if the stove is hot. So unless you're worried
about serious injury, it's more effective to let them learn through experience, instead of
trying to control them. And you can expect your strong-willed child to test your limits
repeatedly--that's how he learns. Once you know that, it's easier to stay calm, which
avoids wear and tear on your relationship--and your nerves.
3. Your strong-willed child wants mastery more than anything.
Let her take charge of as many of her own activities as possible. Dont nag at her to
brush her teeth; ask What else do you need to do before we leave? If she looks blank,
tick off the short list: Every morning we eat, brush teeth, use the toilet, and pack the
backpack. I saw you pack your backpack, that's terrific! Now, what do you still need to do

before we leave? Kids who feel more independent and in charge of themselves will have
less need to be oppositional. Not to mention, they take responsibility early.
4. Give your strong-willed child choices.
If you give orders, he will almost certainly bristle. If you offer a choice, he feels like the
master of his own destiny. Of course, only offer choices you can live with and dont let
yourself get resentful by handing away your power. If going to the store is nonnegotiable and he wants to keep playing, an appropriate choice is:
"Do you want to leave now or in ten minutes? Okay, ten minutes with no fuss? Let's
shake on it....And since it could be hard to stop playing in ten minutes, how can I help
you then?"
5. Give her authority over her own body.
I hear that you dont want to wear your jacket today. I think it's cold and I am definitely
wearing a jacket. Of course, you are in charge of your own body, as long as you stay safe
and healthy, so you get to decide whether to wear a jacket. But Im afraid that you will
be cold once we are outside, and I wont want to come back to the house. How about I
put your jacket in the backpack, and then well have it if you change your mind?
Shes not going to get pneumonia, unless you push her into it by acting like youve won if
she asks for the jacket. And once she wont lose face by wearing her jacket, shell be
begging for it once she gets cold. Its just hard for her to imagine feeling cold when shes
so warm right now in the house, and a jacket seems like such a hassle. She's sure she's
right -- her own body is telling her so -- so naturally she resists you. You don't want to
undermine that self-confidence, just teach her that there's no shame in letting new
information change her mind.

6. Don't push him into opposing you.

Force always creates "push-back" -- with humans of all ages. If you take a hard and fast
position, you can easily push your child into defying you, just to prove a point. You'll
know when it's a power struggle and you're invested in winning. Just stop, take a breath,
and remind yourself that winning a battle with your child always sets you up to lose
whats most important: the relationship. When in doubt say "Ok, you can decide this for
yourself." If he can't, then say what part of it he can decide, or find another way for him
to meet his need for autonomy without compromising his health or safety.
7. Side-step power struggles by letting your child save face.
You dont have to prove youre right. You can, and should, set reasonable expectations
and enforce them. But under no circumstances should you try to break your childs will or
force him to acquiesce to your views. He has to do what you want, but he's allowed to
have his own opinions and feelings about it.
8. Listen to her.
You, as the adult, might reasonably presume you know best. But your strong-willed child
has a strong will partly as a result of her integrity. She has a viewpoint that is making her
hold fast to her position, and she is trying to protect something that seems important to
her. Only by listening calmly to her and reflecting her words will you come to understand
whats making her oppose you. A non-judgmental I hear that you dont want to take a
bath. Can you tell me more about why? might just elicit the information that shes afraid
shell go down the drain, like Alice in the song. It may not seem like a good reason to
you, but she has a reason. And you wont find it out if you get into a clash and order her
into the tub.

9. See it from his point of view.

For instance, he may be angry because you promised to wash his superman cape and
then forgot. To you, he is being stubborn. To him, he is justifiably upset, and you are
being hypocritical, because he is not allowed to break his promises to you, but you broke
yours to him. How do you clear this up and move on? You apologize profusely for
breaking your promise, you reassure him that you try very hard to keep your promises,
and you go, together, to wash the cape. You might even teach him how to wash his own
clothes! Just consider how would you want to be treated, and treat him accordingly.
10. Discipline through the relationship, never through punishment.
Kids dont learn when theyre in the middle of a fight. Like all of us, thats when
adrenaline is pumping and learning shuts off. Kids behave because they want to please
us. The more you fight with and punish your child, the more you undermine her desire to
please you. If she's upset, help her express her hurt, fear or disappointment, so they
evaporate. Then she'll be ready to listen to you when you remind her that in your house,
everyone speaks kindly to each other. (Of course, you have to model that. Your child
won't always do what you say, but she will always, eventually, do what you do.)
11. Offer him respect and empathy.
Most strong-willed children are fighting for respect. If you offer it to them, they dont
need to fight to protect their position. And, like the rest of us, it helps a lot if they feel
understood. If you see his point of view and think he's wrong -- for instance, he wants to
wear the superman cape to church and you think that's inappropriate -- you can still offer
him empathy and meet him part way while you set the limit.
"You love this cape and wish you could wear it, don't you? But when we go to services we
dress up, so we can't wear the cape. I know you'll miss wearing it. How about we take it
with us so you can wear it on our way home?"
Does this sound like Permissive Parenting? It isn't. You set limits. There's just never any
reason to be mean about it!
Here's why Permissive Parenting sabotages your child.

Connecting with Your Child

As our infants grow into toddlers and do less nuzzling and more NO-ing, how do we maintain a strong
connection while setting the necessary limits?
Can we keep the relationship close as our child starts daycare or preschool and we teach her to
problem-solve and navigate her own path?
As our kids move into the school years and out into the world, how do we stay connected so they
WANT to follow our expectations?
And as our kids evolve into teenagers -- when we get fired as the boss -- how can we make sure we
have the necessary trust and intimacy with them so that we get rehired as consultants?

Building a Great Relationship with Your Child

Want to be a great parent? Want to raise a happy, healthy, well-behaved kid? Want to live in a home
where discipline becomes unnecessary? The secret is to create a closer connection with your child.

"What do you mean? Of course I love my kid, and I tell him so all the time. But that doesn't mean he
doesn't need discipline!"
It isnt enough that we tell our children we love them. We need to put our love into action every day
for them to feel it. And when we do that our kids need a lot less discipline!
"But what does that mean, putting our love into action?"
Mostly, it means making that connection with our child our highest priority. Love in action means
paying thoughtful attention to what goes on between us, seeing things from the our child's point of
view, and always remembering that this child who sometimes may drive us crazy is still that precious
baby we welcomed into our arms with such hope.
"Doesn't that take a lot of energy?"
It takes a lot of effort to fully attend to another human being, but when we are really present with our
child, we often find that it energizes us and makes us feel more alive, as being fully present with
anyone does. Being close to another human takes work. But 90% of people on their deathbed say that
their biggest regret is that they didn't get closer to the people in their lives. And almost all parents
whose children are grown say they wish they had spent more time with their kids.
"Being fully present? How can I do that when I'm just trying to get dinner on the table and keep from
tripping over the toys?"
Being present just means paying attention. Like a marriage or a friendship, your relationship with
your child needs positive attention to thrive. Attention = Love. Like your garden, your car, or your
work, what you attend to flourishes. And, of course, that kind of attentiveness takes time. You can
multi-task at it while you're making dinner, but the secret of a great relationship is some focused time
every day attending only to that child.
"This is all too vague for me. What am I supposed to actually DO?"

1. Start right for a firm foundation.

The closeness of the parent-child connection throughout life results from how much parents connect
with their babies, right from the beginning. For instance, research has shown that fathers who take a
week or more off work when their babies are born have a closer relationship with their child at every
stage, including as teens and college students. Is this cause and effect? The bonding theorists say that
if a man bonds with his newborn, he will stay closer to her throughout life. But you don't have to
believe that bonding with a newborn is crucial to note that the kind of man who treasures his newborn
and nurtures his new family is likely to continue doing so in ways that bring them closer throughout
her childhood.
2. Remember that all relationships take work.
Good parent-child connections dont spring out of nowhere, any more than good marriages do.
Biology gives us a headstart -- if we werent biologically programmed to love our infants the human
race would have died out long ago -- but as kids get older we need to build on that natural bond, or the
challenges of modern life can erode it. Luckily, children automatically love their parents. As long as
we don't blow that, we can keep the connection strong.
3. Prioritize time with your child.

Assume that you'll need to put in a significant amount of time creating a good relationship with your
child. Quality time is a myth, because theres no switch to turn on closeness. Imagine that you work all
the time, and have set aside an evening with your husband, whom youve barely seen in the past six
months. Does he immediately start baring his soul? Not likely.
In relationships, without quantity, theres no quality. You cant expect a good relationship with your
daughter if you spend all your time at work and she spends all her time with her friends. So as hard as
it is with the pressures of job and daily life, if we want a better relationship with our kids, we have to
free up the time to make that happen.
4. Start with trust, the foundation of every good relationship.
Trust begins in infancy, when your baby learns whether she can depend on you to pick her up when
she needs you. By the time babies are a year old, researchers can assess whether babies are securely
attached to their parents, which basically means the baby trusts that his parents can be depended on to
meet his emotional and physical needs.
Over time, we earn our childrens trust in other ways: following through on the promise we make to
play a game with them later, not breaking a confidence, picking them up on time.
At the same time, we extend our trust to them by expecting the best from them and believing in their
fundamental goodness and potential. We trust in the power of human development to help our child
grow, learn, and mature. We trust that although our child may act like a child today, he or she is always
developing into a more mature person (just as, hopefully, we are.) We trust that no matter what he or
she does, there is always the potential for positive change.
Trust does not mean blindly believing what your teenager tells you. Trust means not giving up on your
child, no matter what he or she does. Trust means never walking away from the relationship in
frustration, because you trust that she needs you and that you will find a way to work things out.

5. Encourage, Encourage, Encourage.

Think of your child as a plant who is programmed by nature to grow and blossom. If you see the plant
has brown leaves, you consider if maybe it needs more light, more water, more fertilizer. You don't
criticize it and yell at it to straighten up and grow right.
Kids form their view of themselves and the world every day. They need your encouragement to see
themselves as good people who are capable of good things. And they need to know you're on their
side. If most of what comes out of your mouth is correction or criticism, they won't feel good about
themselves, and they won't feel like you're their ally. You lose your only leverage with them, and they
lose something every kid needs: to know they have an adult who thinks the world of them.
6. Remember that respect must be mutual.
Pretty obvious, right? But we forget this with our kids, because we know were supposed to be the
boss. You can still set limits (and you must), but if you do it respectfully and with empathy, your child
will learn both to treat others with respect and to expect to be treated respectfully himself.
Once when I became impatient with my then 3 year old, he turned to me and said I dont like it when
you talk to me that way. A friend who was with us said, If hes starting this early, youre going to

have big problems when hes a teenager! In fact, rather than challenging my authority, my toddler
was simply asking to be treated with the dignity he had come to expect. Now a teenager, he continues
to treat himself, me, and others, respectfully. And he chooses peers who treat him respectfully. Isnt
that what we all want for our kids?
7. Think of relationships as the slow accretion of daily interactions.
You dont have to do anything special to build a relationship with your child. The good -- and bad -news is that every interaction creates the relationship. Grocery shopping, carpooling and bathtime
matter as much as that big talk you have when theres a problem. He doesnt want to share his toy, or
go to bed, or do his homework? How you handle it is one brick in the foundation of your permanent
relationship, as well as his ideas about all relationships.
Thats one reason its worth thinking through any recurring interactions that get on your nerves to see
how you might handle them differently. Interactions that happen more than once tend to initiate a
pattern. Nagging and criticizing are no basis for a relationship with someone you love. And besides,
your life is too short for you to spend it in a state of annoyance.
8. Communication habits start early.
Do you listen when she prattles on interminably about her friends at preschool, even when you have
more important things to think about? Then shes more likely to tell you about her interactions with
boys when shes fourteen.
Its hard to pay attention when youre rushing to pick up food for dinner and get home, but if you
arent really listening, two things happen. You miss an opportunity to learn about and teach your child,
and she learns that you dont really listen so theres not much point in talking.
9. Don't take it personally.
Your teenager slams the door to her bedroom. Your ten year old huffs "Mom, you never understand!"
Your four year old screams "I hate you, Daddy!" What's the most important thing to remember?
DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! This isn't primarily about you, it's about them: their tangled up
feelings, their difficulty controlling themselves, their immature ability to understand and express their
emotions. Taking it personally wounds you, which means you do what we all do when hurt: either
close off, or lash out, or both. Which just worsens a tough situation for all concerned.
Remembering not to take it personally means you:
Take a deep breath
Let the hurt go
Remind yourself that your child does in fact love you but can't get in touch with it at the moment
Consciously lower your voice
Try hard to remember what it feels like to be a kid who is upset and over-reacting.
Think through how to respond calmly and constructively.
You can still set limits, but you do it from as calm a place as you can muster. Your child will be deeply
grateful, even if she can't acknowledge it at the moment.

I'm not for a minute suggesting that you let your child treat you disrespectfully. I'm suggesting you act
out of love, rather than anger, as you set limits. And if you're too angry to get in touch with your love
at the moment, then wait.
10. Resist the impulse to be punitive.
How would you feel about someone who hurt, threatened, or humiliated you, "for your own good"?
Kids do need our guidance, but punishing your child always erodes your relationship, which makes
your child misbehave more. See Positive Discipline for more info on handling your anger and setting
effective limits.
11. Dont let little rifts build up.
If somethings wrong between you, find a way to bring it up and work it through positively. Choosing
to withdraw (except temporarily, strategically) when your child seems intent on driving you away is
ALWAYS a mistake. Every difficulty is an opportunity to get closer or create distance.
12. Re-connect after every separation.
Parents naturally provide an anchor, or compass, for kids to attach to and stay oriented around. When
they're apart from us they need a substitute, so they orient themselves around teachers, coaches,
electronics, or peers. When we rejoin each other physically we need to also rejoin emotionally. Click
here for ideas on staying connected to your child.
13. Stay available.
Most kids dont keep an agenda and bring things up at a scheduled meeting. And nothing makes them
clam up faster than pressing them to talk. Kids talk when something is up for them, particularly if
you've proven yourself to be a good listener, but not overly attached to their opening up to you.
Being on hand when they come home is a sure-fire way to hear the highlights of the day with younger
kids, and even, often, with older ones. With older kids, simply being in the same room doing
something can create the opportunity for interaction. If youre cooking dinner and shes doing
homework, for instance, or the two of you are in the car alone, there's often an opening. Of course, if
one of you is hunched over the computer, the interaction is likely to be more limited. Find ways to be
in proximity where youre both potentially available, without it seeming like a demand.
This may seem obvious, but stating your availability is helpful, even with teens.
"I'll be in the kitchen making dinner if you want me" or
"I have to run to the grocery store, but don't hesitate to call my cell phone if you need me."
But the most important part of staying available is a state of mind. Your child will sense your
emotional availability. Parents who have close relationships with their teens often say that as their
child has gotten older, they've made it a practice to drop everything else if their teen signals a desire to
talk. This can be difficult if you're also handling a demanding job and other responsibilities, of course.
But kids who feel that other things are more important to their parents often look elsewhere when
they're emotionally needy. And that's our loss, as much as theirs.
What's Connection Parenting? Q and A
What's Connection Parenting? Prioritizing your relationship with your child, because you know that's
the foundation for emotional well-being.

As our infants grow into toddlers and do less nuzzling and more NO-ing, how do we maintain a strong
connection while setting the necessary limits? Can we keep the relationship close as our child starts
daycare or preschool and we teach her to problem-solve and navigate her own path? As our kids move
into the school years and out into the world, how do we stay connected so we can enforce high
expectations? And as our kids evolve into teenagers -- when we get fired as the boss -- how can we
make sure we have the necessary trust and intimacy with them so that we get rehired as consultants?
Pam Leo, the originator of the term, says it best:
"The model of parenting most of us grew up with was authoritarian parenting, which is based on fear.
Some of us may have grown up with permissive parenting, which is also based on fear. Authoritarian
parenting is based on the child's fear of losing the parent's love. Permissive parenting is based on the
parent's fear of losing the child's love. Connection parenting is based on love instead of fear."
-Pam Leo, Connection Parenting
Children grow up fast. It may not seem that way when your 11 month old cries all night, or your 3 year
old is screaming on the floor next to the candy display. But age 9, with its delightful reasonableness
poised on the brink of preteen sophistication, arrives in what seems like the blink of an eye. As your
child blows out those 9 candles, youre halfway to 18. The age of majority, when hes legally
considered enough of an adult to marry, vote, and die for his country. 18 and usually earlier is
when youre officially fired as a parent, and, if youve done a good enough job, re-hired as a
consultant.
I dread dropping my children off at college. I know too many women who sobbed the whole way
home, wondering how they missed so much of the last eighteen years. Their kids dash off happily,
ready for their new lives. Its the mom who suddenly realizes that she isnt. I know Ill be sobbing. But
I also know I wont have missed much. I know theyll really be ready, inside, to flourish on their own.
And I trust that Ill have built the kind of connection with my kids that will keep us close throughout
their lives.
All parents hope thats what were doing, of course. How can we be sure?
At this point, theres not much doubt. Research teams have shown again and again what it is that
builds a strong connection between parents and children. It starts early, with parents who respond to
the infants needs, so that she develops a secure attachment to them. This body of research is called
Attachment Theory, and has given rise to a child-raising approach called Attachment Parenting.
Isnt Attachment Parenting about moms never being apart from the baby? I love him, but I need a
break sometimes.
Attachment Parenting has indeed become known for its recommendation that babies need a lot of
holding by their parents, but of course no mother holds her baby every minute. Thats a caricature. And
please notice I said parents, as in fathers as well as mothers. All parents need a break sometimes;
thats why nature set us up with two.
But the critical ingredient in Attachment Parenting is actually the attentiveness with which the babys
adults respond to her, which gives her a secure attachment. Thats the foundation of healthy emotional
development.
Attachment Parenting is only the beginning of the bond you build and nurture with your child. The
parenting philosophy that helps parents create a close lifetime connection with their kids is known as
Connection Parenting, a coin termed by Parent Educator Pam Leo.

But why does that need to be a parenting philosophy? Arent all parents connected to their kids?
Whats different about Connection Parenting is that its about the relationship with your child, rather
than a set of skills to make you a better parent. Youre a fine parent the way you are, if youre in
touch with your natural parenting instincts.
If thats true, why do so many of us find parenting such a challenge?
Because no amount of "parenting skills" can make up for the lack of a close parent-child relationship.
Kids accept our guidance because of who we are to them. Without that relationship, its very hard to
parent. A close bond not only makes our kids want to please us, it gives us access to our natural
parenting know-how.
Its especially challenging to create a close relationship with our kids these days. Human beings
werent designed to handle the amount of stress our modern life loads on us, which makes it difficult
to hear our instincts. Most of us try to parent in our spare time, around the demands of work,
commuting and household responsibilities. Finally, our culture devalues and erodes our relationship
with our kids, and woos them away from us at too early an age.
So not all parents are sufficiently connected to their kids?
Of course, every parent has a relationship with his or her child. The question is what kind of
relationship. We can think of relationships as the slow accretion of daily interactions. You dont have
to do anything special to build a relationship, per se. The good -- and bad -- news is that every
interaction creates the relationship. Grocery shopping, carpooling and bath time matter as much as that
big talk you have when theres a problem. He doesnt want to share his toy, or go to bed, or do his
homework? How you handle it is one brick in the foundation of your permanent relationship, as well
as his ideas about all relationships.
Its true that North Americans think of themselves as more child-centered than ever. We take endless
digital pictures of our babies that we post online, we plan elaborate birthday parties our two year olds
find overwhelming, we let our four year olds run rampant in restaurants, we allow our daughters to
dress like pop stars by age 10, we spend a fortune on wardrobes, Ipods, computers, TVs. But these
things arent what our kids need, and they often disconnect us from our kids, as evidenced by the 2/3
of kids who have TVs in their bedrooms.
I do spend time with my kids, driving them everywhere. But I have a demanding job and our life is so
busy. Do I have to do something special?
Close relationships are built, moment by moment, from shared experience that lets us touch each
other deeply. Nothing extraordinary may seem to be happening on the outside, but on the inside were
connecting with the fullness of our deepest selves. Its a form of falling in love: most of it happens in
our hearts. Experiences like kissing scraped knees, laughing hysterically over nothing, discussing
human nature at the dinner table, or wrestling with a challenging decision during a quiet stroll at
twilight thats what builds intimacy. But to have these kinds of deep moments with someone, we
have to make our connection with that human being our priority.
I love my kids. Of course I prioritize them. But I have other responsibilities that sometimes have to
come first.
Prioritizing the connection with our kids means we put them first. Not that we dont work outside the
home and, when we can, throw ourselves into those jobs whole-heartedly. Not that we dont have
passionate, devoted, intimate marriages. But prioritizing our kids means that we take very seriously the

responsibility weve signed onto: That for this eighteen years of our life, this small person who we
chose to have placed in our arms gets our full attention. That we make decisions about the rest of our
lives so our children get what they need.
What do you mean by full attention? That sounds so vague.
Some people think of it as love. But it isnt enough that we tell our children we love them. We need to
put our love into action every day for them to feel it. Like a marriage or a friendship, your relationship
with your child needs positive attention to thrive. Like your garden, your wardrobe, or your work,
what you attend to flourishes. Maybe attention is best thought of as being completely present in the
moment with another person. Or bringing your full acceptance and appreciation to someone. And, of
course, that kind of attentiveness takes time. You cant multi-task at it.
So lets be precise here about how much time. It sounds like youre saying its fine to work outside
the home if I make good decisions for my kids and give them my full attention when Im home.
We cant come up with the answer for any given family by discussing this in the abstract. But lets
start with what we know is true. We know that for healthy development, babies need to form
permanent attachments with intimate others who respond to their needs. By definition, any paid
caregiver who is not a relative cannot offer a permanent relationship; you can count on it being
disrupted sooner or later.
For an infant, more than a few hours a week of care by a non-intimate can be emotionally jarring.
Theyre biologically programmed so that their stress hormones go through the roof when their "special
people" vanish. An older baby -- starting around six months -- can handle somewhat more time away
from her "attachment figures", but still needs to spend the majority of her awake time relating to a
permanent intimate other.
Does this need to be the mother?
Only a sexist would say yes to that. And why should it be the mom rather than the dad, who loves his
baby just as deeply? In fact, it could be a grandmother or aunt. But does this need to be someone who
is a loving, permanent presence, who is able to form a deep intimate relationship with the baby?
Absolutely. Otherwise, the baby is building a relationship with someone who is going to disappear on
her. Or, worse yet, spending her days with someone who can't adequately bond with her.
So when is it developmentally appropriate for kids to be in daycare?
Lets fast forward to what we know about two year olds. If they spend most of their days with
someone who is fully present and quietly attentive to their needs, someone with whom they have a
strong permanent bond, they tantrum less. They have fewer nightmares. They have a lower amount of
stress hormones circulating in their bloodstreams. They are altogether more cooperative, because their
needs for autonomy are being met in the context of appropriate loving limits in an intimate
relationship.
But cant toddlers get these needs met in daycare, or by a caregiver?
Maybe in fantastic daycare, where the toddler has one special person who is his, so he gets the
intimate relationship he needs. And maybe with a terrific caregiver. But again, by definition, those
caregiver bonds will be disrupted sooner or later, and the younger the child, the greater the damage.
Were so cavalier in our culture about relationships; we dont acknowledge the loss for our children
and then we wonder why we all feel so disconnected in this society. Of course, if your child doesnt

mourn the loss of a caregiver, then there wasnt much of a relationship there, and your child shouldnt
have been left with that person to begin with.
The bottom line in non-parental care is the quality of the relationship thats offered to the child. Its
hard enough for a loving parent who resonates with the toddler to set appropriate loving limits that
nurture autonomy. I think its a superhuman challenge for any paid caregiver.
Also, if we expect to be our kids' "attachment figures," they need us around for most of their waking
hours. So while being a Connected Parent doesnt mean you wont work outside the home, you will
almost certainly make different decisions about work than you would if you didnt have kids.
"What about parents who need to work?"
I strongly recommend Stanley Greenspan's book The Four-Thirds Solution: Solving the Childcare
Crisis in America Today. He suggests that each parent work 2/3 time and spend 1/3 time with the kids.
That means the child gets 1/3 time with mom, 1/3 time with dad, and only 1/3 time with some other
caregiver or in daycare. I personally think that's ideal.
"Surely three year olds can be in daycare?"
By the time a child is three, they are absolutely ready for part time group care away from their family,
and it is terrific for them in terms of peers, intellectual stimulation, learning social norms, and relating
to other adults. Three can be a difficult age and it is often helpful to the parents, as well as the child,
for the child to begin to have a life outside the home. If there are younger siblings, it is particularly
helpful for the three year old to have his own special "world.". But the parents will have to pay special
attention when they are with their child to staying positively connected. That's why fulltime care is still
not desirable.
Youre talking a lot about little ones. What about Connection Parenting for older kids?
I talk a lot about babies, because if you start with a close relationship, youre less likely to lose it in
the pressures of modern life as she grows up. What happens is that your strong bond with your baby
awakens your natural parenting instincts, which insist that you stay connected to your child, even as
she gets older.
Connection Parenting sounds very child-centered.
Parenting takes enormous effort. But most of the time, the emotional rewards make it feel well worth
it. If it didn't work that way, humans would never have survived to this generation. And connectionoriented parents get something huge out of it, something other parents cant count on. Parenting with a
good relationship is like guiding that boulder downhill you still have to pay attention and offer
direction, and challenges certainly arise, but the momentum is with you.
A good parent-child relationship gets you through the hard times, and creates more frequent good
times. It helps you to listen to, learn from, and meet the unique needs of your growing child. It makes
it easier for you to influence your kid, so hes more cooperative and discipline isnt a challenge.
Of course, your child gets something even deeper. A strong relationship with you helps him to love
himself, which is the foundation of mental health and happiness; and to love others, which is the
foundation of future fulfilling relationships. Kids whose emotional needs are met express the traits and
values we all want in our kids: consideration and respect for others, self-confidence, integrity, self
-discipline. And study after study shows that a close relationship with parents protects children from
the excesses of the culture and the peer group.

Connection Parenting keeps your family connected even as the pressures of daily life impinge on your
time together and your children grow into their own lives, with their own friends and interests. And it
insures that theyll want to email you from college, or wherever their paths may lead.

Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings

In This Section:
Parenting Tips>Connection
Connecting with Your Child
Building a Great Relationship with Your Child
What's Connection Parenting? Q&A
Staying Connected with Your Child
Nurturing Intimacy with Your Kids
Playing with Your Child: Games for Connection & Emotional Intelligence
Staying Connected with Your Child
Scientists have found a way to predict which couples will end up divorcing: those who dont insure
that they have at least 5 positive interactions for every negative one. According to John Gottman of the
Gottman Institute, it is likely that maintaining this 5 to 1 ratio is effective insurance in every
relationship, including between parents and children.
Life, with its infinite distractions and constant separations, has a way of eroding connection. All
parents need to repeatedly reconnect with their children, just to repair the daily erosion created by
lifes normal separations and distractions.
While our children are separated from us, they orient themselves around other things: their teacher,
their peers, their computer.
As Gordon Neufeld, author of Hold On To Your Kids , says, when we recollect our children physically
into our orbit, we must make sure we recollect them emotionally as well.
Effective parenting is almost impossible until the positive connection with your child has been reestablished, so think of this as preventive maintenance, before theres a problem. How?
1. Place a premium on relationships in your family.
If your expectation is that re-connecting after time apart is an important part of life, your children will
share that expectation.
2. Acknowledge relationship and separation.
When you leave, say goodbye. When you return, say hello. When you first see your children in the
morning, make a point of greeting each of them, preferably physically. This may seem obvious, but
lots of families dont do it.

Research shows that men who kiss their wives goodbye in the morning live longer, earn more, and are
happier. While there is no data yet on how this applies to parents and kids, you can bet I kiss my kids,
as well as my husband, goodbye!
3. When you physically reconnect, consciously refocus your attention.
Otherwise, its automatic for all of us to keep thinking about the meeting you just attended or what you
need to pick up at the grocery store.
4. Until youve re-established the connection, keep distractions to a minimum.
If you can discipline yourself to turn off the news when your child gets in the car, you're lots more
likely to make a connection with him and hear about what happened at band practice. If shes coming
back from a sleepover, try to avoid having family friends over at the same time. Insist that she spend
some time interacting with the family before she gets on the phone or computer to chat with her
friends. When one of you arrives home, dont answer the phone during your greeting, even if it was a
routine separation. As automatic as it is to answer the phone, greeting each other and reconnecting is
ultimately more important. Thats what answering machines are for.
5. Attune to your childs mood.
Your moods are unlikely to be in sync after time apart. To re-connect, you will probably need to adjust
your mood to your childs.
6. Connect on their level.
Neufeld and Mate, authors of the book Hold onto Your Kids and originators of the phrase Collecting
your child," call this getting in their face in a friendly way. For toddlers, it means stooping down to
make eye contact. For older kids, the idea is to demand their attention in an inoffensive way, which
usually involves getting in their space physically.
7. Everyone needs "floortime."
With toddlers, floortime is when you get down on the floor with them, in their space and in sync with
their energy level, and connect in their world, whether it's building a train track or playing pretend or
reading a book. When they're ten, floortime will probably take the form of snuggling on the couch
while you chat, in a relaxed fashion, about anything from their day at school to the coming weekend to
a TV show you just watched together. Forget about teaching or directing or rushing your kid to the
next item on the schedule. None of those are quality time. Quality time means being in the present
moment and responding to whatever is up for your child. The point is setting aside some time to just
be present, daily, with every person in your family.
8. Welcome your childs babyself.
Its classic. Your child has been happily playing at childcare, but as soon as you show up, he has a
meltdown. Thats because hes been squashing his dependency needs so that he can function
independently in a demanding environment. Your presence, with all of its comforting reassurance and
warmth, signals to him that he can relax and let down his guard. Dr. Anthony Wolf calls this version of
your child his "babyself."
Scoop your child up, give him that snuggle he needs, and get him out of there. Some little ones need
to cry for a few minutes in your arms before they're ready for the carseat; those who are still nursing
often need to nurse. Preschoolers may need to revert to babytalk. Accept all this as proof of the ageappropriate solace your child finds in your company. Just remember not to make a meltdown the

precondition for comforting, so you dont set that up as a daily response. Offer a pre-emptive snuggle
as you pick them up at the end of the day and you can often avoid a meltdown. Some parents object to
this as "encouraging dependency." I see it as "allowing" the dependency that is there anyway, and will
otherwise go undercover. Don't worry, your kids won't be dependent forever.
9. Remember the 5 to 1 ratio.
Try as we might, all of us sometimes have less than optimal interactions with our children. Remember
that each one of those interactions that leave anyone feeling bad require five positive interactions to
restore a positive valence to the relationship. These can be little a smile or pat on the shoulder as
long as you make sure they have a positive impact.
One caution -- dont be tempted to buy five presents, even if you goofed royally. Occasional gifts for
no reason are fine, but all kids distinguish between emotional connection and things, and they always
notice when parents use money to buy their goodwill. They wont turn down the gifts, but its a net
loss to the relationships emotional bank account.
10. In addition to daily preventive maintenance, do repair work as necessary.
If your childs attachment needs have gone unmet, for whatever reason, he or she has probably turned
to the peer group to try to get them filled. Parenting becomes impossible when you arent your childs
secure base, as the attachment theorists say. Youll need to do some relationship repair work to get
your childs attachment focused back on you where it belongs.
5 Secrets To Nurture Intimacy with Your Child
Intimacy is the glue that holds families together. It's what connects us over the years, and across the
miles. It's what gets us through the hard times. It's the grease that smooths the rough interactions of
everyday life, and the honey that makes it all worth it.
Intimacy is hard to define, but we all know when we're feeling it. Whether it's crying on your best
friend's shoulder after a tragedy or snuggling in companionable silence with your spouse in front of the
fire, intimacy is when we feel connected.
How we humans build connections with each other, how we deepen them, and how we repair them
when they fray is both as simple as a warm smile and as mysterious as the way the ground lurches
when we see a picture of someone we have loved and lost.
John Gottman, one of my favorite researchers, has distilled the creating of intimate relationships down
to their practical essence. It turns out that the building blocks of connection are the small overtures we
make to each other every day, and the way our loved ones respond. Gottman calls these bids, as in
"bids for attention." We could also call them overtures, as in opening movements.
In happy relationships, whether between spouses, parents and children, friends, or coworkers, bids are
made and responded to warmly. It almost doesn't matter what the bid is about; the process of reaching
out and receiving a response builds the relationship. It also increases the trust level so that we are more
likely to reach out to that person again, and the content of the bids deepens.
If we begin with "What a beautiful morning!" and receive an enthusiastic agreement, we may go
further and ask our spouse for help in solving a problem that's bothering us. If, on the other hand, our
comment is ignored, or greeted with sarcasm, we are unlikely to make ourselves vulnerable in any
way, and the relationship loses a chance to deepen.

The same process is enacted with our children in hundreds of daily interactions. If we ask our middle
schooler about the upcoming school dance and receive an engaged response, we might venture further
and ask whether she's nervous. If, on the other hand, our comment is ignored, or her response is surly,
most of us will back off.
So how can you create a more intimate family?
1. Start by paying attention to the "bids" that go on.
What is the tone in your family? Responsive and warm? Distracted and ignoring? Hostile and
sarcastic? Does anyone get ignored? Does anyone usually ignore others?
2. Focus on responding positively to your family's bids to you.
It takes real self-discipline to tear yourself away from your screen to answer a child's question, but
how you respond to her overture is crucial in building closeness. More important than what you
initiate with her later, when you try to get her to tell you about what happened at school today. To
support yourself, make it a practice to turn off your screens when you're with your child.
3. If you don't get the response you want to your overtures to your kids, step back and watch how you
initiate.
Are you inviting a positive response?
4. If you make an overture and are greeted with something hurtful -- disdain, sarcasm, or blankness -try not to respond with anger. Instead, show your vulnerability and hurt.
Say "Ouch!" and turn away (before you give in to the temptation to lash out.) Your son or daughter (or
spouse!) will almost certainly feel badly about having hurt you, especially since you haven't aroused
their ire by attacking back. Later, when you aren't hurt and angry, you can tell them how it made you
feel to get that response. Try to talk only about your feelings, not about them being wrong.
Intimacy is a dance. It deepens or is eroded by every interaction we have. The good news is that every
interaction you have is a chance to shift onto a positive track and deepen your connection to your
loved ones.
Playing with Your Child: Games for Connection and Emotional Intelligence
"Play can be the long-sought bridge back to that deep emotional bond between parent and child. Play,
with all its exuberance and delighted togetherness, can ease the stress of parenting. Playful Parenting is
a way to enter a child's world, on the child's terms, in order to foster closeness, confidence, and
connection."
-Lawrence Cohen, Playful Parenting*
I know, you think you hate playing with your child. But what if I gave you permission to set a timer
and forget about your To-Do list and just connect with your child for ten minutes? What if I promised
that if you do this on a regular basis, your child will become more cooperative, and you will feel more
energized? What if it helped you become a happier parent?
Children need to play. It's their work. All mammals play; it's their way of learning skills they'll need
when they're full-grown, from finding food to getting along with others. It's also the way small humans
process their emotions.

All day, every day, children have to manage complicated feelings: Fear (What if there IS something
under the bed?), Jealousy (Maybe you do love their sibling more!), Humiliation (The teacher acted like
he should already know that, and all the kids laughed!), Panic (What if she doesn't make it to the
bathroom on time?), Anger (It was my turn!), Disappointment (Doesn't anyone care what I want?!)....
The normal challenges of every day for a growing child of any age stimulate all kinds of feelings.
Children release these emotions through play. Laughter, specifically, transforms our body chemistry by
reducing stress hormones and increasing bonding hormones.
Kids are more physical than adults. When they get wound up emotionally, their bodies need to
discharge all that energy. That's one of the reasons they have so much more energy than we do, so they
wear us out.
But we can use this to our advantage, because when we play physical games with children, they
giggle and sweat and scream -- and they release the same pent-up stress hormones that they'd
otherwise have to tantrum to discharge. Playing is also how kids learn, so when you "teach" an
emotional lesson by playing, your child really gets it. Best of all, playing helps parents and kids feel
closer.
I realize that at the end of the day you might be exhausted. I personally would much rather snuggle on
the couch than initiate an active game. The good news is that these games don't have to last long -maybe 10 minutes at most, or even as little as 2 minutes.
And believe it or not, most parents find them energizing. That's because the tension and irritation we
carry around makes us tired. When we play, we discharge stress hormones just like our kids, giving us
a little more energy as we head into the evening.
So when your child asks you to play, make a deal. Sure, you'll play dollhouse, or build a train track.
But first, will they play a game with you for a few minutes? Don't be surprised if your child loves this
kind of play so much, he begins begging for these games over and over.
Here are some ideas to get you started.
When your child is annoying, or in your face.
"Are you out of hugs again? Let's do something about that!" Grab your child and give her a LONG
hug -- as long as you can. Don't loosen your grip until she begins to squirm and then don't let go
immediately. Hug harder and say "I LOVE hugging you! I never want to let go. Promise I can hug you
again soon?" Then let go and connect with a big, warm smile, and say "Thank you! I needed that!"
A more intensive version, for when a child has a new sibling, or you've been doing a lot of
disciplining.
Convince your child on a very deep level that you LOVE him by chasing him, hugging, kissing, then
letting him get away and repeating -- again and again.
"I need my Michael....You can't get away...I have to hug you and cover you with kisses....oh, no, you
got away...I'm coming after you....I just have to kiss you more and hug you more....You're too fast for
me....But I'll never give up...I love you too much...I got you....Now I'll kiss your toes....Oh, no, you're
too strong for me...But I will always want more Michael hugs...."
This is my favorite game, guaranteed to transform your child's doubt about whether he's truly loved
(and any child who is "misbehaving" harbors that doubt). (I call this the Fix game because it Fixes

whatever's wrong. From a parent: "I'm kind of shocked how much my son is loving the Fix game!? I
don't think I've ever heard my son say, "Let's do it again!" so many times :)"
A stepped-up version involving both parents.
Fight over your child (jokingly), vying to see who can snatch him up and hug him. "I want him!' No, I
want him!" "But I NEED him so much!" No, I need him! You ALWAYS get him!"
When your child is grumpy.
"You seem to be in a NO mood. I have an idea. I will say YES, and you can answer NO in the same
tone of voice. So when I say YES in this low voice, you say NO in a low voice. When I say YES in
this squeaky voice, you say NO in this squeaky voice. Okay?"
To a child who is getting over-excited or too revved up:
"You have so much energy right now. What can we do with all this energy? Do you want to spin
around? Come over here (or outside) with me where it's safe to spin around, and I'll spot you." Find a
safe place where no other kids or parents are there to further stimulate him, and let him spin around, or
jump up and down, or run in circles around you -- whatever he chooses. When he drops in exhaustion,
snuggle him and say "It's so much fun to be excited. But sometimes you get over-excited and you need
a little help to calm down. Now, let's take three deep breaths to relax. In through the nose, out through
the mouth. 1.....2......3......Good! Do you feel a little calmer? It's good to know how to calm yourself
down. Now, let's go snuggle by ourselves and read a book for a bit."
When you and your child seem to be having a lot of power struggles.
Give your child the chance to be the more powerful one and to outsmart and over power a terrible
monster -- You! Swagger and strut and roar at your child about how you will catch him and show him
who's boss....but when you chase him, always trip and bumble and let him outsmart you or over-power
you and get away. Acknowledge your child's formidable power: You are so strong! You pushed me
right over!
Another version of this is giving your child a feather, or a pillow, to hit you with. Every time he hits
you, fall over! Repeat as long as he's giggling.

When your child is cheating at a game.

Say "Looks like we have new rules now....But how come you always win?!...I hate losing!" Overdo
your role as the "sore loser" so that your child gets to laugh at you.
When your child is super-clingy or has been experiencing separation anxiety.
Cling to your child, being super-exaggerated and silly. "I know you want me to let go so you can go
play, but I NEED you! I only want to be with you. PLEASE be with me now?" Keep holding your
child's hand or clinging to her dress. She will like the feeling that SHE is the one in charge of letting
go, rather than feeling pushed away. If you act silly enough, she will also giggle and let off some of the
tension around good byes. When she definitively pushes you away, say, "It's ok. I know you will come
back. We always come back to each other."
When your child goes through a stage of only wanting Mommy (or Daddy).

Let the preferred parent sit on the couch. Get between your child and that parent, and boast "You can't
get to Mommy! You are all mine! Only I get to be with you! I will keep you from getting to Mommy!"
As he tries to get to Mommy, grab at him, but bumble and be unsuccessful. When he reaches Mommy,
she laughs, cheers, hugs him and then lets him go. You lament that he got through, but continue to
boast and challenge him and try to grab him. Exaggerate your boasting. "You can't push around me to
get to Mommy!" and then bumble and let him push past you. He should giggle and giggle, which
means that he is releasing his fears and anxieties.
When your kids are fighting a lot:
When tempers are calm, say "Would you two please fight with each other now?" When they begin to
fight, pretend to be a TV commentator. "We're on the scene tonight watching two sisters who can't
seem to get along! Will they work things out or not? Stay with us while we observe this behavior live!
Notice how big sister is bossy, but little sister is provocative! Both girls want the same piece of salami!
Can they work this out? Are they smart enough to realize there's more salami in the fridge? Stay
tuned..." Your kids will giggle and let off tension, and get to see how ridiculous they are.
When your child feels like a bottomless pit:
Every day, spend 15 minutes snuggling. Revel in touching your child. Don't structure this time. Just
kiss him on the nose, nuzzle her hair, let him sink into the comfort of your lap. Even if your kid is
eight, treat him as if he's a baby, just beginning to be verbal. Rock him in your arms. Play the physical
games you played when she was tiny. Resist tickling, which can make kids feel invaded and out of
control. Mostly, just snuggle and lavish attention.If you want some help getting into the mood, look
together at old baby pictures: "You were so adorable, almost as adorable as you are now!"
When your child goes through a stage of whining a lot.
Remember that whining is an expression of powerlessness. Refusing to "hear" until they use a "big
kid" voice further invalidates them. But of course you don't want to reward whining by "giving in" to
it, either. Instead, express confidence that your child can use her "strong" voice and offer your
assistance to help her find it, by making it into a game: "Hey, where did your strong voice go? It was
here a minute ago. I LOVE your strong voice! I'll help you find it. Help me look. Is it under the chair?
No...In the toy box? No.... HEY! You found it!! That was your strong voice!! Yay! I love your strong
voice! Now, tell me again what you need, in your strong voice."

To help a child fall asleep at night.

Say goodnight to each part of your child's body, touching each part in turn gently, with a little
massage. "Good night shoulder...good night arm....good night elbow, good night forearm, good night
wrist, good night hand, good night fingers." Take your time so your child relaxes each part of her body
as you "recognize" it. The more you can simply relax and connect with your child, the more you are
helping your child be in her own body and be fully present.
When your child has stolen something.
Get him laughing about this by enacting a stuffed animal "stealing" things from all over the room.
Meanwhile, the stuffed animal mother is searching for the stolen things-- "I can't find the dog dish
anywhere! Wherever did it go?!" Of course, the pile of stolen things is right in front of her. (You'll still
need to have a conversation with your child about how he wishes he could keep what he stole, but it
must be returned, and that in the future he can ask you if he wants something. But playing a game like

this first will take the shame and anxiety out of the situation for both of you, and will help your child
be open to making amends.)
When your child has been screeching or complaining:
Give permission. "Ok, there's been so much complaining (or loud screeching)! This is your last
chance to complain (screech) for the rest of the day. I'm setting the timer and putting on my earphones.
I want you to complain (screech) as loud as you can for the next three minutes. You only have three
minutes so make the most of them. After that, we're all back to normal inside voices. 1, 2, 3, GO!"
To help a child who's coping with a challenging issue, like the start of school, or playground struggles,
or being sick:
Have one stuffed animal be the parent, and one be the child, and act out the situation. Using stuffed
animals removes it one step from reality so most kids find it more comfortable , but some children like
to actually act the situation out themselves (as opposed to using the proxy of dolls or stuffed animals).
"Let's pretend we're in the sandbox and I want your truck but you don't want to share" or "Let's pretend
you're the teacher and I'm the student" or "Let's pretend you're the doctor and I'm sick." Playing out
these situations that cause so much stress for kids helps them to feel more in control of their own
emotions, and lets them be the powerful one in a situation where they might have felt powerless and
humiliated in real life.
To work through a problem that keeps coming up, such as a child who dawdles in the morning or at
bedtime.
Sometime on the weekend, grab a mom and baby stuffed animal. Have them act out the morning (or
bedtime) routine. Have the little one resist, whine, collapse. Have the mom "lose it" (but don't scare
your child by overdoing it. Have the mom be a funny, incompetent bumbler.) Your child will be
fascinated. Then, hand your kid the "mom" and play out the scenario again, with you being the kid.
Make it funny so you can both giggle and let off tension. Make sure to include scenarios in which the
kid goes to school in his pjs, or the mom goes to work in her pjs, or the kid has to yell at the mom to
hurry up and get ready, or the mom says
"Who cares about that meeting? Let's tell the boss it's more important to find your toy car!"
Give him in fantasy what he can't have in reality. You may learn something about how to make things
work better. Almost certainly, you'll see more understanding and cooperation from your child on
Monday. At the very least, you'll defuse the tension get a great chance to see how your kid perceives
you!
To reconnect.
Start a pillow fight, or a snowball fight, or a wrestling game in which you take each others socks off
(an excuse for hugs). Or give your child a pillow to hold, and try to steal it from her. Always let your
child win. Kids need to rough house. You might even find you like it too!
As long as your child is laughing, that game is working to alleviate anxiety and increase well-being.
Don't be surprised if your child wants to play these games over and over. They relieve stress, help your
child master emotion -- and believe it or not, they're fun!
*These are games I often recommend to parents, and while I have adapted them over the years, I
didn't invent them. Some originated from the rich tradition of play therapy; some were inspired by the
work of Lawrence Cohen ( Playful Parenting ), Becky Bailey ( I Love You Rituals ) and Aletha Solter (

Attachment Play .) For more ideas on using play to connect with kids and help them resolve
challenges, I highly recommend their books, below.

Cherishing
"Everybody's got a hungry heart." -Bruce Springsteen
"the precondition for giving is receiving It is natural to say 'That is a well-cherished child' or
'There is a child who wants cherishing.' We think of cherishment as the emotional equivalent of
nourishment. Soul Food." -Elisabeth Young-Bruehl and Faith Bethelard
Humans are born ready to love, and to be loved. All parents recognize the adoration reserved
especially for parents, the small arms reaching up, the joy of infant and parent in their cocoon of
mutual delight. Babies expect to be cherished.
This cherishing, this affirmation of the infant from head to toe, teaches the baby who he is. In
interaction with the parents, the baby learns "Yes, these are my toes, how good they feel when Dad
kisses them!" and "Mom makes that happy noise when I smile at her!" The baby also learns "Mom and
Dad love to bathe me, to nurse me, to care for me: I am worth taking care of. I am lovable."
Cherishing our babies is natural, if we listen to our instincts. It is our secret weapon, the nourishment
that helps them grow inside, the source of self esteem, the foundation on which their ability to love
and be loved rests.
This expectation of being loved is what allows our children to learn so quickly, to risk bumps and
scrapes and hurt feelings: the security of knowing that someone who adores them is watching out for
them, supporting their growth. Cherishment is the security of unconditional love.
For the parent, cherishing is reveling in being this babys parent, being grateful even in the middle of
diapers and sleeplessness and colic that this baby was sent to these arms.
But if we have not been cherished ourselves, cherishing can be challenging. When we have been
frustrated in our attempts to love and be loved, we may find it difficult to revel in our new baby. We
may find ourselves annoyed rather than delighted by her need for our attention, angry rather than
sympathetic when he howls. We may avert our eyes from her adoring gaze. We may become
uncomfortable when engaged in reciprocal play with our baby and interrupt it without really noticing
what we are doing, or even our discomfort.
Often, parents who have not been cherished themselves are envious of the attention the baby receives
from others. These parents may insist that the baby adapt to their needs, by, for instance, refusing to
adequately babyproof and then becoming angry when the baby persistently attempts to explore the
VCR or the stack of magazines.
And for the baby, what happens when this need to cherish and be cherished is frustrated? Frustration,
of course, is anger. Lack of being cherished creates an angry child.
Some parents are conditionally accepting. They might adore the baby, for instance, but find it difficult
to deal with her when she's angry. What happens? The baby simply rejects the parts of herself that
haven't been accepted. The ability to love herself is compromised, shadowed with self hatred; she is
not, after all, good enough to evoke what she needs and wants most: cherishing. As she rejects parts of

herself, her emotional growth is compromised. (See the Attachment Research for more about the
Resistant-ambivalent response.)
The need for cherishing, like all survival needs, doesnt vanish when thwarted. It goes deep
underground. We defend ourselves against this dangerous need that would make us vulnerable; we
ward it off with anger, which eventually turns into bitterness.
In extreme cases, the hope of being loved becomes too painful, and the child defends against it by
consciously expecting rejection. We all know these children, who become experts at soliciting dislike.
In very extreme cases, these can become the kids who are capable, one day, of taking a gun to school
and opening fire. The famous researcher Rene Spitz said it most succinctly:
"Infants without lovewill end as adults full of hate."
Luckily, virtually all of us get enough cherishment that we don't end up as killers. Few of us, though,
get enough of this "soul food" that we don't end up with a heart that is, at times, more hungry than we
would like. That hunger, those unmet needs, are what drive all "bad behavior" on the part of our
children. Kids whose needs for cherishment are met become cooperative kids. Sure, they'll have times
when they're overwhelmed by emotion, or have a hard time regulating their behavior. But these kids
WANT to cooperate to please their parent.
Want to raise a happy, cooperative, responsible child? Cherish your baby.

Raising a Highly-Sensitive and Spirited Child

Post may contain affiliate links to materials I recommend. Read my full disclosure statement.
Our Caroline is a highly-sensitive and spirited child. Anyone who thinks those labels are imaginary
probably does not have a child like this. Some children simply interact with the world differently.
Once you begin to read the explanations of others, it is like the light comes flooding in because it all
finally makes sense!
Highly-sensitive and spirited are not the same thing. But I have grouped them together here because I
suspect there is often much overlap.

There is very little out there that is helpful for understanding how to raise, nurture and discipline a
children like this. In fact, much of the advice given (especially in Christian circles) is actually
counterproductive, sometimes in the extreme. Im thankful that I listened to my God-given instinct and
did what I thought was right for my child, even when it went against the standard parenting advice.
Ill continue to add resources here as I find them. I will also be writing about my own experiences in
parenting a child who is blessed in these ways so please subscribe to my site and stop by often. I also
welcome any link or book suggestions that others would recommend!
Please note: The inclusion of a link is not an endorsement of all its content or the content of the site on
which it is found.
Books

Raising Your Spirited Child Rev Ed: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive,
Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic
Strong-Willed Child or Dreamer?
The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them
Dreamers, Discoverers & Dynamos: How to Help the Child Who Is Bright, Bored and Having
Problems in School (Formerly Titled The Edison Trait)
Taming the Spirited Child: Strategies for Parenting Challenging Children Without Breaking Their
Spirits
The Strong, Sensitive Boy
Online Articles
The Spirited Child from The Fussy Baby Site
Taming the Spirited Child
Spirited Child Handout (PDF)
How to Handle Your Spirited Toddler from Baby Center
Parenting a Spirited Child from Prenatal to Parenting
The Highly Sensitive Child from Sensitivity-HSP
The Highly Sensitive Child from Family Education
The Highly Sensitive Child: Parenting Strategies from Family Education
The Highly Sensitive Child from The Highly Sensitive Person
Raising a Sensitive Child from Education.com
Stubborn Preschoolers from Berkeley Parenting Networks
Raising Your Spirited Child from ivillage.com
Nurturing Our Spirited Children from Nurturing Our Families
Thriving With Your Spirited Child from University of Wisconsin Extension
Taming The Spirited Child by Dr. Michael Popkin
Book Description
With humor, emotion and practical wisdom, Dr. Popkin teaches parents:
How to recognize the characteristics of a spirited child
The positive potential these remarkable children possess
How taming is as much about building a relationship as setting limits
The eight critical planks of a "taming corral"
The dynamics of power and how to handle anger

Practical, nonviolent discipline for spirited kids

Book Reviews
Reviews of Taming the Spirited Child
"Finally, a fresh approach to the whole 'difficult child' category. In this insightful and moving work,
Michael Popkin shows parents the positive potential of these spirited children without making excuses
for their behavior. His 'taming' methods are as humane as they are effective."- Thom Hartman, author
of Attention Deficit Disorder: A Different Perception
"I adore the real strategies and know parents will be so grateful for the positive spin on 'spirit.' This is
one of the best parenting books for raising challenging children." - Michele Borba , Ed.D., author of
No More Misbehavin'
"This text should be required reading for anyone responsible for children. As a pediatrician, I know
that captivating the difficult-to-manage child's spirit and redirecting that energy into positive thoughts
and actions can go a long way towards improving social outcomes."- Dr. Melinda McVicar, Professor
of Clinical Pediatrics, New York Medical College
"A wonderful, heartwarming book for any parent who has ever wanted to throw up her hands in
despair over her child's repeated misbehavior. This book not only gives them hope; it gives them
answers!"- Bettie B. Youngs, author of the best-selling Taste Berries for Teens series
"This is a book that needed to be written! Dr. Michael Popkin has done a wonderful job in providing a
resource that will help those millions of parents of spirited children live happier, more satisfying
family lives while giving their children the gift of love and limits."- Robyn Freedman Spizman, author
of Women for Hire's: Get-Ahead Guide to Career Success.
"Tackling the book in its modest entirety will be easy for most readers as Popkin is an entertaining
writer with keen insights; his own son was a spirited youngster, and the author draws from personal
experience as well as his professional expertise." -Publishers Weekly, January 2007
Reproducible Article for Parents on Taming the Spirited Child by Dr. Popkin

Taming the Spirited Child: Strategies for Parenting Challenging Children without Breaking
Their Spirits

Forrest Gump might have observed that kids are like a box of chocolates: you never know what you
are going to get. Some are born with a peaceful temperament while others seem to rant and rave 24/7.
Some are shy while others are hell on big wheels. Kids can be introspective, extroverted, humorous,
aggressive or fearful. Some possess a spirited nature that can test the patience and skill of the most
conscientious and skilled parent.
Whether you are a biological parent, a stepparent, a foster parent or any other type of caregiver, there
is much about your child that you had nothing to do with creating. What you do with that natural born
temperament can be for better or for worse. It can mean the difference between your child using his

inborn traits productively or misusing them on the way to self-destruction; whether he winds up in the
principal's office or gets a corner office; whether he finds the limelight or the line-up...or something in
between.
Do you have a spirited child?
If you saw the movie Seabiscuit, you may recall the scene in which this feisty horse rebelled against
his handlers, rearing defiantly while they tried to break his spirit. Failing to do so, they gave up and
prepared to put him down. Fortunately for our four-legged hero, a young (and spirited) jockey and a
wise owner saw potential in this rare creature and found a way to turn him into a champion. Spirited
children are the Seabiscuits of childhood. They can drive us crazy with their energy and antics, but
once tamed they have the stuff to succeed. In my years of working with such children (including my
own spirited son, Ben) and their parents, I have found five characteristics that best describe these kids
who live life with more energy and enthusiasm than their peers. Because these kids go through life in
capital letters, bigger and bolder than the rest, I use the acronym CAPPS to describe them. They are
more Curious, Adventurous, Powerful, Persistent and Sensitive. Sound like anyone you know? If you
aren't sure, here's one final clue: their parents tend to find themselves angry a lot, like the time my own
mother blew her stack as I ran through the house shooting off my cap gun (another type of CAPPS)
while my baby sister tried to nap. As one mother told me, "I never even knew I could get angry until I
had Alex!"
Taming (not breaking) the Spirited Child
While kids who are more curious, adventurous, powerful, persistent and sensitive can be a handful to
raise, these same traits are incredibly useful for succeeding in today's competitive world. Seabiscuit, an
undersized filly, beat the seemingly invincible favorite, Man of War, in 1938 by four lengths, giving
hope to "the little guy" struggling to succeed in a depression era economy. A horse with a broken spirit
could never have accomplished this amazing feat. Yet neither could an untamed Seabiscuit.
Taming a spirited child is not about using coercive and harsh discipline to teach him who's boss or
have her yield to authority. I use the term "taming" as it was used by the author Antoine de SaintExup?ry in his imaginative children's book, The Little Prince, to mean "establishing ties." It is only by
connecting with these unique children and establishing a heartfelt bond that we can teach them to calm
themselves and use their immense resources constructively. The methods for doing this can be likened
to an eight-sided corral, much like the corral a gifted wrangler will use to tame a wild horse. Each of
the eight planks that form the corral represents an area of parenting skill and information essential for
success with spirited children:
Plank 1. LEADERSHIP
Establish yourself as a firm yet friendly leader in the family. Show respect to your children and expect
them to show respect in return to you. Use a firm and friendly tone of voice; allow input within limits;
allow freedom within limits. Be confident while recognizing that all parents make mistakes and so will
you.
Plank 2. PREVENTION
Anticipate and prevent problems. Understand your child's unique CAPPS (curiosity, adventurousness,
power, persistence and sensitivity.) Learn what triggers CAPPS to lead to misbehavior, and learn how
to defuse these situations before trouble can start. Redirect your child toward using these traits in
positive ways. Understand the dynamics of anger: how it can fuel a child's desire to rebel, and how
you can keep it under control.

Plank 3. RELATIONSHIP
Establish a positive relationship with your child, building on the friendship aspects of parenting. Make
time to develop the skills that will help you establish ties with your child. Provide sincere and realistic
encouragement on a regular basis.
Plank 4. POWER
Understand the principles of power and learn to sidestep power struggles. Your spirited child can
sometimes seem "power drunk," so focus on helping him learn to manage this powerful quality, using
it for motivation, not intimidation. Learn the same lessons for yourself if need be.
Plank 5. STRUCTURE
Provide structure for your child to help her learn to live within limits. A structure operates like a corral
helping a wild horse learn to accept limits to his freedom as the handler works to tame her. Understand
that spirited children need a flexible structure. When buildings are constructed in an earthquake zone,
a rigid structure will crack and break under the stress. Modern earthquake-proof buildings use a
flexible structure that is strong, yet able to give with the impact. Similarly, the structure you make to
organize your child's time, space and behavior should be able to bend without breaking.
Plank 6. DISCIPLINE
Use respectful forms of discipline to enforce the limits of the situation. Avoid discipline that is too
harsh, but do not fail to offer discipline as needed. Understand that effective discipline includes
empathy and problem solving; your child can live within the limits and get her needs met at the same
time.
Plank 7. PROBLEMS
Teach your child to problem-solve. Help him identify alternative solutions and anticipate
consequences. Teach him to identify his feelings as well as his desires. Use effective communication
skills to provide opportunities for teaching empathy for others; this will help him learn to resolve
conflicts cooperatively.

Plank 8. RESOURCES
Recognize that you may need help in taming your spirited child, and identify where in your
community that help is available. Reach out to your child's school, spiritual organizations, recreational
leagues, health professionals, family and friends, and others.
Taming a spirited child requires time. It cannot be done overnight, and it cannot be done without
committing effort and energy to the process. But the payoff comes in knowing that you have made a
huge contribution to your child and to every person that child will come into contact with throughout
his life! The payoff also comes in the deepening understanding that emerges from your relationship
with your child. "One only understands the things that one tames," says the fox to the little prince.
Allowing your child to remain wild not only does a disservice to him and to others, it robs you of the
true joy of parenthood that of really understanding your child and what makes him the special person
he is.

A Time-saving Way to Get Your Childs Cooperation

Everyone you run into these days tells you how crazy busy they are, especially parents.
This always has me wondering how they find the time to deal with issues that come up with their kids
I mean really get to the root of problems when they barely have time to put dinner on the table.
In a perfect world parents would take the necessary steps to prevent problems, but whos got time for
that, right?
Wrong; problems can slow us down even more!
For every problem that comes up, it takes more time to deal with it than to prevent it.The key is to put
some time in up front to prevent potential problems which will save you time in the long run.
Heres what I mean
Lets say you want your child to do something something youve already asked them a million times
to do (okay, maybe a few times but it seems like a million). You could remind, beg, nag, convince,
bribe, remind again, cry, beat your head against the wall, threaten to punish, argue and fight, remind
them once again, do it yourself or yell at them until they finally do it.
All of this is unnecessary and a big time waster, not to mention exhausting.
Sure, you may get short-term results but youll have to use this approach every time you want them to
do something they should already be doing which wastes valuable time you dont have.
Heres the shortcutplan a talk with your child ahead of time about what needs to be done. (using a
calm voice, not a demanding one). Notice, I said what needs to be done not what YOU want them to
do theres a subtle yet important difference (more on this next time).
Next, together come up with a logical consequence that will be used if your child doesnt cooperate
and get agreement.
Lets say you notice your child hasnt done what they agreed to do. You can give a quick firm, yet
friendly reminder in the form of a choice/consequence. Either do (insert task ) or (insert consequence)
- the one you both agreed on.
If your child cooperates, end of story. (no time lost). If by chance they dont and you have to follow
through with the consequence, all (time) is not lost because your child probably won't make the same
mistake twice which is the ultimate time-saver.