Beruflich Dokumente
Kultur Dokumente
OF
QUEER
DIASPORA
Poems,
Pensamientos,
and other Offerings...
Compiled by Erika Vivianna Cspedes
Layout by Chino Martinez
Table of
Contents
Introduction
Erika Vivianna Cspedes
Ojo De Lobo
Alex Martinez
Local Politics
Mai Doan
Pride
Yosimar Reyes
10
guava
Yvonne Fly Onakeme Etaghene
12
Intersections
Terisa Tinei Siagatonu
14
Photographs
by Jean Melesaine
17
unraveling
Hark Sun
19
20
espejo
Kristina Jackson
22
Naam
Amman Desai
24
Matters of Fact
Noor Al-Samarrai
26
I love you
Jan Bustamante
28
30
32
Introduction
Alex Martinez
Linocut
I have been playing tug-of-war with a persona of mine, the lob@, for
quite some time. The lob@ first appeared on the face of a loverI had
animalized this person to explore their effect on me Later, I
would come to identify with the lob@ and s/he would appear as an
accomplice to my self-abuse. Here the lob@ appears again, this
time howling at the moon, both emerging from and engulfed by a
sea of eyes.
Local
Politics
Mai Doan
building, around the quad, all the way to the other side of the
school. It was there that I discovered wholeness, basking in the
alley between bungalows C and D. Moving between the safety of
long hair and the violence of miniskirts, I had come to realize that I
had two lives to live. I had two lives to live and a painful struggle of
bridging the two. But it was there that I found solace in the cracks, as
it was between those bungalows, between the five-minute bell and
calculus class that she would wait for me. Always so brown and
beautiful against the whitewashed wall of the building, she would
take my hand as we snuck off to the back where the weeds grew
into dandelions. Once in the shade, she would sit up close against my
back, separate my hair into two, and begin to braid: one half to
melt away the awfulness of everywhere else and the other for her
hands to climb down from my neck to my shoulder to my arm,
down to my stomach where she held on tight. One time, I plucked
a dandelion from its muddy roots and let the fibers dance on the
baked skin of her fingers when she said, I dont know how you do it,
as she wiped the bright orange dust of a cheeto off my chest. I
turned around and gave her a look, a look that told her how it was
this very moment that allowed me to survive all the plastic and short
skirts and girls who pretended to smell good. She stared back with
a steady face, eyes without judgment. They swallowed me in my
entiretylegs that were short in sneakers, hair that didnt want to
be long, a coffee brown that was creamy enough to pass. She swallowed
me whole and for the first time in my life, I did not feel fragmented.
It was that day I remember. That day that I came home and my
mother told me, mija, dont wear your hair in those braids, you
look like an Indian. My mother who wished I was everything she was
not; my mother whos skin was never pretty enough to serve on a
plane; my mother, who they bleached from the inside out.
Pride
Yosimar Reyes
Still silent
Not speaking about spirituality
And that fact that we need
A sacred space
To share Intersectionality
We need espacios
In which the focus is not getting laid
But empowering our spirits
Arming ourselves
With the truth
that we all must heal
Move pass this fake notion that we are liberated individuals
And finally state
That we are caged creatures
11
guava
ran
13
Intersections
To dress
And look
And act
Like I want sex in one way,
That my name is Terisa,
That I am a womyn because I apparently look like one
Because I need a definition not for my safety,
But for everyone elses
On Monday,
I felt like wearing make up and curling my hair and letting people
get away with calling me beautiful
By Tuesday,
I stayed cupcaking with the boy from out of town
While boycotting the make up of my feminine appeal
It be like that sometimes
On Thursday,
I really wanted to have sex with her again,
Touch her where we both left off to get her off
Taste her down there
Like Ill never know the sweet skin
Inside a mango
Ever again
But a booty call she is not,
Anymore
And at the end of last week,
I pulled out
and it was over.
I cleaned up after myself
like I know how.
Ive known this body well enough to know
What brings the boys to the yard,
And keeps them there
And what brings the girls to my bed
And keeps them there
With their full consent
In my experience,
The perils of my sexuality
Make a loud
Crashing
When found piled up
Onto the expectations
Of me to be
Womyn,
Straight,
14
Sound
to be
In my experience,
Men only like women
Who like women
If they can stay here and watch,
Women only like women
Who like women
When theyre the stars of Greys Anatomy
But let my experience in the bedroom
Threaten their masculinity,
Threaten their Thursday night line up
And its a knife fight in the back alley
Treat me like a rabid dog
Who has taken their meat
When you threaten a mans ability to eat,
When you look like a bitch with a collar that doesnt fit you,
They will look at you like game
And you better know how to bite back.
...And I do.
And she likes it
Leave lovebites on the nape of her neck
Around the supple of her breasts
On the tender between her thighs
Leading back to the mango tree for dinner
Fit for 2 queens
In a bed named after us
But a throne for a king it can become
If he said so
The love of my life
Is someone whose body
Has all the same parts as mine.
How their skin spills into me like a secret
How our lips taste of sweet and our other lips taste of safety
How this bed can transform into a chemistry set so quickly
Experiment until the formula is perfect, letting the bedsheets
chemically combust
The love of my life identifies as a two-spirit
Transgendered man
Female to male
He taught me
That it is possible
Stories of Queer Diaspora
15
Jean Melesaine
Paint + Photograph ^
Photograph >
17
unraveling
Hark Sun
19
21
espejo
pero
reflections
pueden cambiar
melting merging into
new skin
Kristina Jackson
adelante
i move
grow
skin becomes
sacred shelter
voice becomes
vibrant
rising vibrations of
visionary dreams
propel me
adelante
a look into
my espejo
shattered slivers
of self showcase
subjugation
este es mi camino
thru espejo
sometimes i glide thru
swimming in sunshine
sometimes
path is scary
uncertain if i can
face my espejo
without diverting eyes
from themselves
years
of searchin
for sweet talkin
words wrapped in
hazel skin
to tell me im worth somethin
wantin to feel
good enuf
pero i remind
myself that
slivers
can be gathered up
put back
together
whole
again
afraid
to look into espejo
and see
doubt
staring back
este es mi camino.
deep uncertainty
about my ability
my intelligence
my strength
22
23
Naam
Amman Desai
I. Bombay
Amman was born before I was
My father dad had heard the word
and kept it close
I can imagine it now
Dad lanky, bearded, a fistful of chest hair
all sideburns and starched bell bottoms
and the voice of Lata Mangeshkar
swimming through crackling stereo
perhaps shrill in Bollywood technicolor
an audience transfixed in mimetic awe
and dad, neatly pocketing the Sanskrit for his unborn son
II. Fortworth
I was carried in the loose folds of my mothers sari
tightly tucked in as she watched
her family,
her life,
her home,
disappear into tiny specks in the corner of the window
After the forks, spoons, thhali, and vatki were set
The queen bed covered in sandalwood scented chaadar
All the spices
turmeric, rai, jiru, cinnamon sticks, bay leaf, hing
settled in cabinets
(a tin of saffron resting for special occasions in the freezer)
What was left to say?
Did my father feel responsible for this countrys emptiness?
III. Huhve
I wonder if she wept on the plane
or pursed her lips,
the way she does when shes holding her tongue
if she felt foreign,
nervously as she played with her coconut-scented chotli
If the smell of rai and jiru sputtering in hot oil softened her
shoulders
If perfecting the roundness of her roti tired her forearms
If she clicked her tongue in disapproval about the ways goros
spoke about sex
24
IV. Thyah
I am six
I am losing my sense of touch
The streetlight is my spotlight, the lawn my stage
The voice of Lata Mangeshkar swimming through crackling stereo
And I am channeling my inner Madhuri
The crabgrass is hiding my intricate foot work
This sari is doing an adequate job of disguising my genitals
If the goro neighbors squint they might mistake me for a girl
My father watches from the window
My feet are kicking up awareness
A smattering of claps
I smile sheepishly and bow
My chest feels uncomfortable
Nervously, as I play with my coconut-scented chotli
V. Ghare
There is a building near my fathers mothers flat in Parle
The Glucose Biscuit factory
the most ubiquitous of accompaniments for hot chai
Packaging of faded yellow,
a fair child hands askew, eyes lined in kohl
reminds me of the sweet scent that perfumes Parle
and its sister, Dadar
20 minutes by train, 45 by rickshaw
tucked in Hindu colony, my mothers mother,
nanima in the kitchen
and the sunlight that peers sheepishly through moist air
pools gently on cracked hands
purses her lips while rolling round roti
softens her shoulders with the scent of jiru and rai popping
in hot oil
A bed where her husband used to sleep
The gadlas that her four children once laid out neatly every night
Now the hallway is filled by whispers from tattered Amreekahn photos
echoes from phone-calls when her grandchildren make small
talk
Gujarati with slurred uhngrejee accents
The ground unsteadied by her roots spreading too far, too thin
25
Matters of Fact
Noor Al-Samarrai
The boys are allowed to sell the spare shirts off their backs.
I have all the colors but pink.
When will red be back in style?
I buried my nose in some once, not mine.
Before class, telling Michael Pollan that he stoops like Clark Kent.
This proves I have seen Superman.
My mother loved Christopher Reeve like a lost brotherthey were
born in the same year, but now hell be younger than her forever.
I remember watching Superman the summer I turned six,
bright green kryptonite
and my dream of staying up all night,
until I saw the red tinges of sun pink the sky.
26
27
I love you
Jan Bustamante
I love you.
You said it for the first time, though it was somewhat hesitant.
It took a while but I knew for sure you and I both meant it.
We are young to society but our minds have
reached an age far past any of those ignorant bastards in
Hollywood.
I love you.
I say it again and again, with each time, my love, it grew.
I pour my heart and soul into those supposedly cheesy lines.
I cry as I accept your embrace,
the embrace of someone who loves me for who I am.
I love you.
Friends say sternly, Its just a phase.
Friends tell me to leave and find someone better.
Friends yell at me, saying I should focus on more important
things,
ignoring how I feel about you.
I love you.
I cant believe it,
it was never true.
You stuck with this to keep me happy!?
Thats called a pity relationship!
My friends kept telling me it was a lie,
but I loved you enough to keep it going.
My family was right all along.
I should have stuck to my religion and fallen in love with a woman.
Even though you could never mean those three sacred words,
I truly did, and its something
Ill always keep because Ill always remember it.
I love you.
My love,
Carlos
I know for sure, that in that one moment, you and I meant it.
You know how I know?
Because we went against all others to prove it was real,
and no one would do that if it was fake.
Because even with all
the disappointed looks, the unaccepting society we live in, and all
those hateful people,
we both at the end of the day could say those words happily.
Because from the first kiss, to the last hug,
I could feel your soul, your heart, your being
tell me, Im here for you, I love you.
Goodnight my dear sweet Carlos,
I love you.
I love you.
Family casually says it isnt love.
Family angrily tell me their hateful arguments are love.
Family denies the fact that we are
happier together than they are.
I love you.
Religion tells me it will get better by being good.
Religion hatefully tells me that our relationship is an abomination.
Religion would be disappointed,
finding out what Ive done to please you.
28
29
It aint safe.
Its having to shave against the grain every day to blend in to the
crowd of guns waiting to shoot you down in the front of a restaurant,
(Rest in Power, Brandi), and then its wondering if youll be
arrested and jailed for defending yourself against a white
Neo-Nazi attacker (the War Wages on, CeCe).
Its having to summon the courage to explain to a potential date
that you still have a dick and prefer to wear plum lipstick with
your summer romper and $10 Hot Topic tights, and once intimacy
develops its not knowing if the person truly loves you, or simply
wants to cross out a fetish on their sex checklist.
Its having to feel the pain of each HE/HIM/HIS pronoun in
conversations that happen daily without anyone correcting it.
Its having the burden of mens clothing in your backpack to
change into before you visit your family for dinner.
Its sometimes falling into the arms of a Romantic Monster because
the mirror doesnt give you enough validation, warmth, or love.
Its having to climb into 40+ year-old white mens caves, closing
your eyes, and hoping they cum faster than the time it takes to
recite the Pledge of Allegiance.
Its being ridiculed, beaten, and constantly blasted with the shade of
a strangers stare without the voice to stop the violence because
Marriage Equality is somehow more imperative.
Its stealing make-up from CVS to curb your dysphoria cuz you cant
afford hormones. Its stealing food cuz you wouldnt be able to
pay for the bus ride home. Its creating happiness from whatever
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