16 Section A NOVEMBER 2007 The Woodside News

THE BIBLE AND SCIENCE BY WILLIAM T. PELLETIER, PH.D [WOODSIDE NEWS COLUMNIST]

Tofu Turkeys There is no record of any ever

being shipped to the U.P.
Tofurkey, Toffer Ball, and
T ofu turkeys
Thanksgiving dinner?
Has this new trend hit your
for
Tofu Gobbler are the largest
mail-order tofu turkey com-
house? panies with 24/7 toll-free
PHTT—People for the phone numbers and secure
Humane Treatment of websites. Tofu turkeys are

PHOTO BY SCOTTFELDSTEIN AT WWW.FLICKR.COM

Turkeys—is a pro-turkey WILLIAM T. PELLETIER guaranteed to arrive in two
organization named after one
of the 28 wild turkey calls.
PHTT avidly promotes tofu
turkeys. Here are their “Top Ten
Reasons” to serve tofu turkeys (see
www.phtt.org):
#10-No bones for your pet (or
aunt) to choke on.
#9-Food coloring makes serving
white or dark meat easy. You never run
out of either.
#8-Tofu turkeys cook quickly. No
six-hour waits prior to digging in.
#7-Food fights with TTB’s (tofu
turkey balls) are harmless and clean up
easily.
#6-Tofu turkeys encourage healthy
appetites for vegetables.
#5-Eating time is reduced, so
everyone can get back to football.
PH.D.
business days, so order by
Monday, November 19, 2007
A.D. to be sure to receive
yours in time for Thanksgiving dinner.
You can order any size tofu turkey
you want from five to 45 pounds with
up to one drumstick per pound. The
most popular order is a 10 lb “bird”
with six drumsticks and the “standard”
coloring of 70% “white meat” and 30%
“dark meat.” This package costs $27.18 needs to step forward and speak out. want to be up-to-date and don’t want
plus $7.95 S&H. It comes vacuum- Seeing no other volunteers... to stay in the Fifties with yours truly. If
wrapped with a five-year shelf life. If PHTT’s proposal is unappetizing, you are one of those people who accept
you lose your appetite when it first un-American, and un-Biblical. Here PHTT’s #1 Reason, “Turkeys are peo-
arrives, you can save it for the next are my “Top Ten Counter-Reasons” ple too,” let me jolt you back to Biblical
Thanksgiving. why Thanksgiving hosts should NOT, reality (the only kind of reality there is)
Custom combinations (like wings repeat (for clarity) NOT, serve tofu by reminding you that eating turkeys is
only or breasts & drumsticks) are avail- turkeys: Biblical.
able for slightly higher per pound #10-Man-of-the-house duties tra- People are not animals and ani-
rates. Check the websites for details. ditionally include turkey carving. mals are not people. No suitable helper
In case you are going camping over Skillful use of a flashing knife is was found for Adam among animals—
impressive. Serving turkey with an ice indicating that man is significantly dif-

After Noah’s Flood God extended man’s diet to

include every living creature that moves. Therefore,
turkeys, like eels and cockroaches, are on the menu.
the Thanksgiving weekend, these com- cream scoop is neither macho nor per- ferent from animals. Mankind stands
panies offer a dehydrated powdered sonally fulfilling. at the top of creation (even above
#4-Tofu turkeys are low calorie. In
tofu turkey package weighing only #9-You can’t stuff tofu turkeys angels), because mankind was created
fact, you will lose weight because the
3.14159 ounces. A 37-page detailed with dressing. They jiggle unappetiz- in God’s image—animals were not.
energy expended chasing the tasty
instruction booklet, replete with dia- ingly and do not slice well. God appointed man steward with
morsels skidding around your plate is
grams, explains how to add water, add #8-No wishbone squabbles to dominion over all the earth, including
greater than their caloric value.
the turkey flavoring packet, and manu- relieve boredom. over animals. Animals, including
#3-Tofu turkey dinners provide
ally mold the gelatinous goop into a #7-The “meat” does not remain on turkeys, are for the glory of God and
plenty of versatile leftovers. Your kids’
turkey shape. The included foil oven is fork tines long enough to get it in your the benefit of man.
tofu turkey sandwiches will become
supposed to work on a campfire grate. mouth. Originally God gave green plants
legendary in the lunchroom. Nobody
This tofu turkey idea greatly con- #6-There are no flavor-rich pan and seed-yielding plants for food.
will swipe your husband’s lunch from
cerns me because it threatens the con- drippings for making gravy. How can After Noah’s Flood God extended
the fridge at work.
tinued viability of an honored Thanksgiving be complete without man’s diet to include every living crea-
#2-GeriTof turkeys (a premium
Thanksgiving tradition. Someone delicious gravy for dressing, potatoes ture that moves. Therefore, turkeys,
brand) are salted with ground up
and turkey? like eels and cockroaches, are on the
multi-vitamin pills supplying
#5-You have too much menu.
a week’s nutrition in a single
room for desserts after a tofu If you invite me for Thanksgiving
serving.
turkey meal. dinner, consider postponing the tofu
#1-Turkeys are people
#4-Prospects for leftovers turkey experiment till next year. Please
too. It’s wrong to eat your
are extremely discouraging. serve a regular God-fashioned turkey
neighbors. Tofu turkeys are a
#3-The first meal on the bird instead of a bean curd bird.
flavorful substitute which
moon was roasted turkey with However, if tofu turkey is a must for
preserves both turkeys and
all the trimmings. Would you, serve a small one and we will put
holiday traditions.
astronauts Neil Armstrong the best possible face on it. But please
The tofu turkey was first
and Ed Aldrin have been serve plenty of cranberry sauce, chest-
developed nine years ago in
pleased with tofu turkey? No, nut and raisin dressing, cranberry
Seattle by a Thai immigrant
the gustatory delight is negli- sauce, salads, cranberry sauce, delec-
and has been gradually grow-
gible. table vegetables, cranberry sauce, and
ing in popularity. Last year
#2-Tofu turkeys fail to pecan pie. Also, don’t forget the cran-
237,000 tofu turkeys were
maintain cholesterol levels. If berry sauce.
sold for Thanksgiving in the
your cholesterol level is too Eat your Thanksgiving turkey with
US compared with 46 mil-
low, you are prone to acci- gusto—and thank God for all His
lion real turkeys.
dents, depression, strokes, blessings!
Californians are the biggest
and suicide.
tofu turkey eaters in the
#1-God gave man real Dr. Pelletier may be contacted by email
country. Worldwide, France
turkeys to eat. at BibleScienceGuy@WoodsideNews.org.
is the largest per capita con-
I realize many readers Read the Bible-Science Guy blog at
sumer. Ann Arbor leads
may be “with it” people who blog.woodside.tv. ©2007 William Pelletier
Michigan tofu turkey sales.