Heathers

HEATHERS
AnOriginalScreenplay
by
DanielWaters
FINALSHOOTINGSCRIPT
RegisteredWGAW
February8,1988
NOTE:THEHARDCOPYOFTHISSCRIPTCONTAINEDSCENENUMBERS
ANDSOME"OMITTED"SLUGS.THEYHAVEBEENREMOVEDFORTHIS
SOFTCOPY.
FADEIN:
EXT.SAWYER'SBACKYARDDAWN
ElegiacmusicmurmursasthreefemaleandbarefootPAIRSOF
LEGSinskirtsbreakfromtableautogentlyengageinCroquet.
Abluemallethitsablueballthroughawicket,agreen
malletknocksagreenball,andayellowmalletpushesforward
ayellowball,allinenticingsyncopation.
Suddenlyaredballrocketsthroughthedewcoveredgrassand
hitsthegreenball.TheLEGSallstopmovingasaFOURTHPAIR
OFLEGS,thisoneinstylishshoesandstockings,marchesto
theredballandstepsonit.Aredmalletisbroughtdown
hardontheredballcausingtheadjacentgreenballto
thunderoutofview.ThePairofLegsmanueveringthegreen
balldeparts.Thisprocessofeliminationisgrimly
repeatedwiththeyellowballandyetagainwiththeblue
ball.
However,whentheBLUEMALLETEDPLAYERmakeshersadexit,
theviewer'sviewpointglidesalongwiththisparticularPair
ofLegs.Aredballwhizzesby.TheLegsstop.Anotherred
ballmalevolentlysailspasttheLegs.Thenyetanotherred
ball.AfourthredballmakesbrutalcontactwiththeLegs
causingthePlayertofalltoherkneesandintotheframe.The
PlayerisVERONICASAWYER.
INT.VERONICA'SBEDROOMDAY
VERONICASAWYER,asullenseventeenyearoldbeauty,liesatop
herbeddressedinachicbutunderstatedensemble,hereyes
glazedopeninamorningreverie.Sheblowsupatherbangs
thenslidesoffherbed,launchingintovoiceovernarration
overtheemptybed.
VERONICA(V.O.)
Heathertoldmesheteachespeople
RealLife.
INT.HIGHSCHOOLHALLWAYDAY
Continuinghernarration,VERONICAglidesthroughabustling
highschoolhallwaywithafrozensmile.
VERONICA(V.O.)
ShesaidRealLifesucksLosersdry.
Ifyouwanttofuckwiththeeagles,
youhavetolearntofly.
INT.HALLWAYOUTSIDECAFETERIADAY
Withherbackturnedtotheviewer,VERONICAstandsatthe
outskirtsofthecafeteriaentrance.Theviewer'sviewpoint
approachesandfinallycurlsaroundVERONICAtorevealthat
sheiswritinginadiary,wearingamonocle.
VERONICA(V.O.)
Isaidsoyouteachpeoplehowto
spreadtheirwingsandfly.She
saidYes.
THEDIARYPAGE
VERONICA'Spenswaysacrossthediarypageformingthewords
echoedbyhervoiceover.
VERONICA(V.O.)
IsaidYou'reBeautiful.
AsuddenoffscreenbarkfromHEATHERMCNAMARAcausesthepen
torecklesslyrocketacrossthewrittenwords.
HEATHERMCNAMARA(O.S.)
God,comeonVeronica!
VERONICAcoollypopsthemonoclefromhereyebeforeangrily
addressingtheamusinglyrobust,conventionallybeautiful,
trendilycoiffedHEATHERMCNAMARA.
VERONICA
What'syourdamage,Heather?You
ruinedmy...
HEATHERMCNAMARA
God,I'msosure.Don'tblameme,
blameHeather.Shetoldmetohaul
yourassintothecafpronto.Back
meup,Heather.
FrombehindHEATHERMCNAMARAemergesasimilarlytrendily
accessorizedbutnoticeablymoreinhibitedwaif,HEATHERDUKE.
Sheisclutchingatatteredcopyof"TheCatcherintheRye."
HEATHERDUKE
Yeah,shereallywantstotalktoyou.
VERONICA
Okay,I'mgoing,I'mgoing.Jesus...
INT.INSIDETHECAFETERIADAY
VERONICA,flankedbyHEATHERMCNAMARAandHEATHERDUKE,
stridesintothelunchroompandemonium.
ThestunningHEATHERCHANDLERturnsfromthetraybeforeher
towardherincomingcomrades.Sheisdressedstylishlyand
expensivelybutnottrendily;herhair,dramaticallytied
back.
VERONICA
(submissively)
Hello,Heather.
Pullingoutacrumpledpieceofyellowpaper,HEATHER
CHANDLERsmiles.ThecontentofwhatHeathersaysis
consistentlyoffensivebutthetoneinwhichshespeaks
issexy,dangerous,andmysterious.Sheisamythicbitch.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Veronica.Finally.Gotapaperof
KurtKelly's.Ineedyoutoforge
ahotandhornybutrealistically
lowkeynoteinKurt'shandwriting
andwe'llslipitintoMartha
Dumptruck'slunchtray.
VERONICA
Shit,Heather.Idon'thaveanything
againstMarthaDunnstock.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Youdon'thaveanythingforher
either.Comeon,it'llbeVery.The
note'llgivehershowernozzle
masturbationmaterialforweeks.
VERONICA
I'llthinkaboutit.
HEATHERCHANDLER
(lookingoff)
Don'tthink.
POVONCAFETERIALINE
Unattractiveandquiteoverweight,MARTHADUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK
guiltilyplopstwojellosonhertrayandclunksforwardin
line.
CAFETERIAENTRANCE
VERONICA'sarm,seeminglyinvoluntary,latchesontothe
outstretchedpen.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Splendid.I'lldictate.Veronica
needssomethingtowriteon.
Heather,bendover.
BothHEATHERMCNAMARAandHEATHERDUKEbendover.HEATHER
CHANDLERviolentlylaughs.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Hownice.Twoassholes:nowaiting.
HEATHERMCNAMARAandHEATHERDUKEstanderect,embarrassed.
HEATHERCHANDLER
HeatherDuke,backdown.
VERONICAscurriestothecontortingHEATHERDUKE.
HEATHERCHANDLER
DearMartha,you'resosweet..
THEJOCKS'TABLE
ThetraditionallyhandsomeKURTKELLYandthemassiveRAMsit
withothertypicalJockstakinginVERONICAandtheHEATHERS.
KURT
It'dbesorighteoustobeina
VeronicaSawyerHeatherChandler
sandwich.Punchitin,Ram.
KURTandRAMraisetheirrightarmsandslamtheirfists
together.
RAM
Hellyes.IwannasetaHeatheron
myJohnsonandjuststartspinning
herlikeafuckingpinwheel.
RAMmakesafranticspinningmotion.
CAFETERIAENTRANCE
Inslowmotion,VERONICAfinishesthenoteandrisesupalong
withhermakeshiftdesk,HEATHERDUKE.
HEATHERMCNAMARAhawkishlygazestowardthecafeterialine.
VERONICAhandsthenotetoanimpressedHEATHERCHANDLER.
MARTHADUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCKpaystheCASHIERandthen,grasping
herlunchtraywithbothhands,movestowardVERONICAandthe
HEATHERS.
HEATHERMCNAMARAexcitedlytugsonHEATHERCHANDLER'Sarmas
MARTHAapproaches.Withatranquilsmile,HEATHERCHANDLER
passesthenotetoherfranticdisciple.
Inaselfconsciouslyclandestinemanner,HEATHERMCNAMARA
saunterspastMARTHAthenwieldsaroundtosneakilytuckthe
noteontoMARTHA'stray.
Theslowmotionconcludesastheirplumpvictimshuffles
pastamagneticpreppiePETERDAWSONandathin,black,
bespectacledDENNIS.Theguysareworkingalargestandwhich
hasacashboxreadingTHEFOODLESSFUNDandabannerreading
WESTERBURGFEEDSTHEWORLD.
PETER
Comeonpeople,let'sgivethat
leftoverlunchmoneytopeople
withoutlunches!Thosetatertots
youthrewawaytodayareadelicacy
inAfrica!They'reThanksgivingdinner!
HEATHERS'TABLE
TheGirlsreachtheirtablewithHEATHERMCNAMARAandHEATHER
DUKEsittingthemselvesdownfirst.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
(lookingtothestand)
God,aren'ttheyfedyet?Dothey
evenhaveThanksgivinginAfrica?
VERONICA
(lowkeysarcasm)
Ohsure,Pilgrims,Indians,tater
tots;it'sarealpartycontinent.
HEATHERCHANDLERdrawsupaclipboard.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Sawyer.Guesswhattodayis?
VERONICA
Ouch....thelunchtimepoll.So
what'sthequestion?
HEATHERDUKE
Yeah,sowhat'sthequestion?
HEATHERCHANDLER
GoddamnHeather,youwerewithme
inStudyHallwhenIthoughtofit.
Suchapillowcase.
HEATHERDUKE
(hurt)
Iforgot.
ANOTHERANGLE
VERONICAandHEATHERCHANDLERbrisklybopawayfromthetable
asawoundedHEATHERDUKEretreatstoTheCatcherintheRye.
VERONICA
Hey,thisquestionwouldn'tbethat
bizarrothingyouwerebabbling
aboutoverthephonelast......
HEATHERCHANDLER
Shutup,itis.ItoldDennisifhe
gavemeanothertopicthatwas
political,I'dspewburritochunks.
VERONICAshakesherheadandlooksoff.She'ssuddenly
capturedbythesightofaJAMESDEANESQUEGUYsittingstark
inalong,tangunslingercoat,behindaRebelWithoutaCause
lunchbox.Theymakeeyecontact.
Transfixed,VERONICAcrashesintoseatedBETTYFINN,a
slightlyoverweight,unstylishlydressedsweetiesurroundedby
clones.
BETTY
SorryVeronica.
VERONICA
BettyFinn.Gosh.....
VERONICAcrouchesdown,embarrassedandrueful.
VERONICA
I'mreallysorryIcouldn'tmakeit
toyourbirthdaypartylastmonth.
BETTY
That'sokay.YourMomsaidyouhad
abigdate.Heck,I'dprobablyskip
myownbirthdaypartyforadate.
VERONICAgentlylaughsatBETTY'sinnocentawe.
VERONICA
Don'tsaythat.
BETTY
OhRonnie,youhavetolookat
whatIduguptheotherday.
BETTYpullsfromherpurseapictureshowingaYOUNGBETTY
FINNANDVERONICASAWYER,arminarm,dressedinHalloween
costumes:BETTYisanangel,VERONICAisawitch.
VERONICAglowsatthephotountilHEATHERCHANDLERtows
VERONICAawaycausingthepicturetofallfaceuponthe
floor.
ANOTHERANGLE
VERONICA
Iwastalkingwithsomeone!
HEATHERCHANDLER
Colormeimpressed.Ithoughtyou
grewoutofBettyFinn.
THECOUNTRYCLUBKIDS'TABLE
AcoollycoedcabalofCountryClubKidsicilyeyethe
approachingVERONICAandHEATHERCHANDLER.CountryClub
kidCOUTRNEYsourlyspeaksout.
COURTNEY
Ohgreat.HerecomesHeather.
KEITH
Shit.
MARTHADUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK'STABLE
AloneatatableintheSiberiaofthecafeteria,MARTHA
finishesaforkfulofchicken.Shespearsherplateagainand
bringstheforkup.Thenoteiswedgedinsideit.
THECOUNTRYCLUBKIDS'TABLE
HEATHERCHANDLER,Veronicaintow,hitstheCountryClubKids
withasalvooffalsepleasantness,cappedbyascowling
smile.
HEATHERCHANDLER
HiCourtney.Loveyourblouse.Ooh,
letmesnareatater.
COURTNEYexpresseselationinspiteofherselfasHEATHER
CHANDLERdelicatelytakesatotandturnsaroundtoface
VERONICA.HEATHERCHANDLERinsertsherfingerinhermouth
doingthe"inducevomiting"signalbeforedevouringthetot
andturningbackaround.
COURTNEY
Thanks.Ijustgotitlastnightat
theLimited.Totallyblewmyallowance.
HEATHERCHANDLERraisesherclipboard.VERONICAclosesher
eyesandshakesherheadwithahalfsmile.
HEATHERCHANDLER
That'sprettyvery.Nowcheckthisout.You
winfivemilliondollarsfromPublishers
Sweepstakes,butonthesamedaywhat's
hisfacegivesyouthecheck,aliens
landonearthandsaythey'regoing
toblowuptheworldintwodays.
Whatwouldyoudo?
Astunnedtableau;untilCountryClubKidKEITHspeaks.
KEITH
That'seasy.I'djustslidethatwad
overtomyfather.He'slikeoneof
thetopbrokersinthestate.
VERONICA
Wakeup.Intwodays,Earth'sgoing
uplikeaRomanCandle.CrabNebulaCity.
KEITH
Man,intwodays,mydadcould
doublemymoney.Tripleit.
COURTNEY
IfIgotthatmoney,I'dgiveit
alltotheHomeless.Everycent.
VERONICA
You'rebeautiful.
THEFOODLESSFUNDSTAND
PETERreachesintotheFoodlessFundBoxandtakessomebills.
PETER
Dennis,myman,runovertoMickey
D.'sandgetmeaBigMacandsomefries.
DENNIS
Butthat'stheFoodlessFundmoney.
PETER
Hey,evenBobGeldof'sgottoeat.
Ifitmakesyoufeelbetter,bagthe
fries,andnabyourselfanApplePie.
CAFETERIATHOROUGHFARE
HEATHERCHANDLERdragsVERONICAdownacafeterialane.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Ifyou'regoingtoopenlybeabitch....
VERONICA
(submissive)
I'msorry,it'sjustwhycan'twe
talktodifferentkindsofpeople?
HEATHERCHANDLER
Fuckmegentlywithachainsaw.DoI
looklikeMotherTheresa?IfIdid,
Iprobablywouldn'tmindtalkingto
theGeekSquad.
Shepointstoatableofunfashionablydressedandcoiffed
students.Somewearglasses,somewearbraces,somewear
both.
THEGEEKS'TABLE
TheGEEKSreacttobeingpointedat.TheirboneyleaderRODNEY
splattersmilkoverhimself.
RODNEY
Didyouseethat?HeatherNumber
Onelookedrightatus.
BIGCYNIC
Itmustbelove.
CAFETERIATHOROUGHFARE
VERONICAconfrontsHEATHERCHANDLER.
VERONICA
Doesn'titbotheryouthateveryonein
theschoolthinksyou'reapiranha?
HEATHERCHANDLER
LikeIgiveashit.Theyallwantme,
asafriendorafuck.I'mworshipped
atWesterburgandI'monlyaJunior.
VERONICA
Pretendyou'reamissionarysaving
acolonyofcootievictims.
HEATHERCHANDLER
(givingin)
Whatever.Idon'tbelievethis.We're
goingtoapartyatRemingtonUniversity
tonightandwe'rebrushingupour
conversationskillswiththe
scumoftheschool.
Hersweatylipsmovingrapidly,MARTHAanxiouslyreadsthe
note.
THEGEEKS'TABLE
ThenervousGEEKSfidgetandroughhouseeachotherinan
involuntarilyimmaturereactiontotheirbeautiful
interviewers.
GEEKWITHBRACES
Noseriously,I'dprobablygoto
Egypt.Withagirl.
BIGCYNIC
TakingahookertothePyramidson
thelastdayofMankind.You
sentimentaloldfart.
BRACES
Geez,forgetit.
VERONICA
WhataboutyouRodney?
RODNEY
(quietlytotheothers)
Itoldyousheknewmyname.
(beatofcontemplation)
I'dchangemylife.Newclothes.
Newhaircut.Newhouse.Newhome.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Howsad!Blowingallyourcashon
twodaysoftryingtobehip.
ANOTHERANGLE
VERONICAtugsHEATHERCHANDLERawayfromthetable.
VERONICA
Ifyou'regoingtoopenlybeabitch....
AsHEATHERCHANDLERcontinuestoguffaw,VERONICAagain
catchessightoftheJAMESDEANESQUEGUY.Hewrapshisfingers
aroundaneggandunfoldsthemback.Theeggisgone.He
smiles.VERONICAsmilesback.
HertranceisbrokenbyaboisterousHEATHERMCNAMARAand
HEATHERDUKEwhocareenintothetwopollsters.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
God,scanonMarthaDumptruck.
POVONMARTHA
MARTHAlooksupfromthenotetotheJOCKS'tableandKURT
KELLY,thenflustered,backdownatthenote.
HEATHERCHANDLER
ThisisthepartIhate.Thewaiting.
I'dsaywe'reliketwentyminutesfrom
majorhumiliation.Comeon,Veronica.
HEATHERCHANDLERfloatsoff.AdisturbedVERONICAtakesa
momenttoreact.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Veronica?
VERONICAfollowstheleader.Shecallsout.
VERONICA
Damn..
EXT.SCHOOLPARKINGLOTDAY
VERONICAandHEATHERCHANDLERmarchintotheschoolparking
lottowardfourHEAVYMETALERS(onefemale)hangingoutona
carhood.Thegirls'conversationisheardinvoiceover.
VERONICA(V.O.)
..youHeather.Deepdownallteenagers
arethesame.Didn'tyouseeThe
BreakfastClub?
INT.CAFETERIABETTYFINN'STABLEDAY
VERONICAandHEATHERCHANDLERsetthemselvesdownwithBETTY
FINNandherLOOKALIKEFRIENDS.
HEATHERCHANDLER(V.O.)
Lookatme.Ilookgreat.I'mthegirl
inthecommercialsandthevideos.
JOCKS'TABLE
VERONICAandHEATHERCHANDLERwarilystandattheoutskirtsof
theJOCKS'bastionofvulgarity.
I'mtheblondeinthebikinionthe
horseholdingaPepsican.
INT.STONERS'HALLWAYDAY
Inadark,smokyhallway,VERONICAandHEATHERCHANDLERcough
towardabatchofSTONERSintatteredformsofdress.
I'mtheprincessbeingspankedonthe
thronebyBillyIdol'sguitarist'sguitar.
INT.THEFOODLESSFUNDSTANDDAY
VERONICAandHEATHERCHANDLERaccostPETERDAWSONatthe
FoodlessFundstand.
WhatdoIgetoutofbeingfriends
withlosers.Igivethemapieceof
awinnerandtheystainmewithloserness.
EXT.PARKINGLOTDAY
HeavyMetalerMATTgrins.
MATT
Yougetfivemilliondollarsbut
someMartiansaregoingtozapyou
intwodays.Youhearthat,Clyde?
That'sgottobethemostspookyass
questionI'veeverheard.
INT.CAFETERIABETTYFINN'STABLEDAY
BETTYFINNdaintilypeepsup.
BETTYFINN
Ithinkweshouldusethemoney
foranEndoftheworldgettogether.
Wecouldinviteguys.
JOCKS'TABLE
RAMsputtersoutsomechickentobellow.
RAM
I'dpayMadonnaonemilliondollars
toridemyfaceliketheKentucky
Derby.Sheshouldbepayingme,though.
AFEMALESTONERINARMYJACKETstartstospeak,thenstops...
FEMALESTONERINARMYJACKET
What?
INT.CAFETERIATHEFOODLESSFUNDSTANDDAY
PETERDAWSONlashesout.
PETERDAWSON
Thisisimportant.Withtaxes,I'd
beonlygetting3.5millionand....
EXT.PARKINGLOTDAY
HeavyMetalerCLYDEturnsfromhisfriendMATT.
CLYDE
Ifyouwantagoodwaytogoout
beforethealiensland,getalion
fromthezoo.Putaremotecontrol
bombupitsbutt.Whenthelionstarts
tearingyouup,pressthebombbutton.
Youandtheliondielikeasone.
TwoHeavyMetallovers,JACKIEandSTEVE,intertwinedagainst
thewindshieldblanklyrespond.
JACKIEANDSTEVE
Cool.
INT.CAFETERIATHOROUGHFAREDAY
VERONICAandHEATHERCHANDLERcontinuetheirconversation
chuggingthroughanotherbusycafeterialane.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Justimaginesomebodylikeyour
quasifat,goodygoodfriendBetty
FinndoingaCrestcommercial.No
onewouldbuyCrest.
VERONICA
Don'ttellme.Crestwouldbe
stainedwithloserness.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Yeah,andwhowantsthatontheirteeth?
HEATHERMCNAMARAandHEATHERDUKEburstbackbetweenthem.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
OhGod,herewego...
POVONMARTHADUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK
MARTHA,withawkwardapprehension,stumblestowardKURTand
theJOCKS.VERONICAandtheHEATHERSstopbreathing.
MARTHAmumblessomethingunintelligiblefromwherethegirls
stand.KURT'Sheaddetonateswithaterrifyingcackle.MARTHA
fleesthecafeteriainhorror.VERONICAspinsawayfromher
mirthfulfriendsindisgustandmakeseyecontactwiththe
similarlydisturbedJAMESDEANESQUEGUY.
VERONICAlurchesaway.ShebrakesagainsttheFoodlessFund
standwherePETERDAWSONisholleringaway.
PETER
Adimeincreasesthetime!Abuck
bringsgoodluck!HiVeronica.A
fivekeepstheneighborhoodalive!
Atenandyoudiewithoutsen!
HEATHERCHANDLERwingsatwentydollarbillintothecashbox.
HEATHERCHANDLER
(toVeronica)
Youwantedtobecomeamemberof
themostpowerfulcliqueinthe
school.IfIwasn'talreadythe
headofit,I'dwantthesamething.
VERONICA
I'msorry?Whatareyouoozingabout?
HEATHERCHANDLER
Thatepisodewiththenotebackthere
wasforallofustoenjoy,butyou
seemdeterminedtoruinmyday.
VERONICA
(slappingherknee)
Wemadeagirlwanttoconsider
suicide.Whatascream.Whatajest.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Comeonyoujerk.Youknowyouused
tohaveasenseofhumor.
INT.GIRLSBATHROOMDAY
Combingtheirhairinthebathroommirror,theHEATHERSspeak
incomicallywhiningandpatheticimitationsofMartha
DumptruckasVERONICAshakesherheadwithahalfsmile.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Kuurt,let'spaarty.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
Kuurt,Ineedanorgasm.
HEATHERDUKE'sgentleoffscreenvoiceslicesin.
HEATHERDUKE(O.S.)
Veronica,couldyoucomebackhere?
HEATHERCHANDLERANDHEATHERMCNAMARA
Gross!
VERONICA
Atruefriend'sworkisneverdone.
VERONICArevealsherrightindexfingeriscutnoticeably
short,thenwalksovertothestalls.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Growup,Heather.Bulimia'sso'86.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
Colormenauseous.
THESTALL
VERONICAstandsinatightstallwithanashamedHEATHERDUKE.
VERONICA
Maybeyoushouldseeadoctor.
HEATHERDUKE
Yeah,maybe.
HEATHERCHANDLER(O.S.)
ComeonHeather.Wewantanother
lookattoday'slunch.
VERONICA
Geez,don'tlistentothem.
HEATHERMCNAMARA(O.S.)
Didshehavethepieortheice
creamfordessert?
(likeagameshowhost)
Andtheansweris.
HEATHERDUKEholdsuphercopyofTheCatcherintheRyeand
makesabizarrelydefiantsmile.
HEATHERDUKE
Yeah,youknowHoldenCaulfieldin
theCatcherintheRyewouldn'tput
upwiththeirbogusnonsense.
VERONICA
Well,youbettermoveHoldenout
ofthewayorhe'sgoingtogetspewed.
HEATHERDUKEputsdownherbookandopenshermouth.VERONICA
sticksherfingerin.
CAFETERIAENTRANCE
Agnarlymelangeofchickenandpotatoesisscrapedoffa
plateintoacafeteriatrashcanasVERONICAandtheHEATHERS
strollbyoutside.VERONICApausestopeerinattheJAMES
DEANESQUEGUY.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
GodVeronica,droolmuch?Hisname's
JasonDean.He'sinmyAmericanHistory.
VERONICA
Givemetheclipboard.
AsVERONICAwalksoff,HEATHERMCNAMARAoinksoutsomeamusing
sexualnoises.
CAFETERIA/JASONDEAN'STABLE
VERONICAsaunterstoJASONDEAN.
VERONICA
HelloJasonDean.
JASON
Greetingsandsalutations.Callme
J.D.AreyouaHeather?
VERONICA
No,aVeronica.Sawyer.Thismay
seemlikeastupidquestion....
J.D.
Therearenostupidquestions.
VERONICA
Ifyouinheritfivemilliondollars
thesamedayalienstelltheearth
they'reblowingusupintwodays,
whatwouldyoudo?
J.D.
(suavely)
That'sthestupidestquestionI've
everheard.
JOCKS'TABLE
TheJOCKSwitnessVERONICAandJ.D.
RAM
Whodoesthatnewkidthinkheis
withthatcoat?BoDiddley?
KURT
Veronicaisintohisact.Nodoubt.
RAM
Let'skickhisass.
KURT
Shit,we'reseniors,Ram.Tooold
forthatcrap.Let'sgivehima
scarethough.
J.D.'STABLE
AnintriguedJ.D.laconicallyanswersthequestion.
J.D.
Probablyjustrowonouttothe
middleofalake.Bringalongmy
sax,sometequila,andsomeBach.
VERONICA
Howvery.
HEATHERCHANDLERbreaksVERONICA'sdazeofadmiration.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Comeon.
VERONICA(toJ.D.)
Later.
J.D.
Definitely.
KURTandRAMmoveintotheexitingVERONICA'splace.
RAMstickshisfingerthroughapieceofpieonJ.D.'splate.
RAM
Yougoingtoeatthis?
KURT
Whatdidyourboyfriendsaywhen
youtoldhimyouweremovingto
Sherwood,Ohio?
RAM
Answerhimdick!
KURT
HeyRam,doesn'tthiscafeteria
haveaNoFagsAllowedRule?
J.D.
Itseemstohaveanopendoorpolicy
forassholesthough,doesn'tit?
KURT
Whatdidyousaydickweed?
J.D.
I'llrepeatmyself.
J.D.gracefullystands,reachesintohiscoat,andpullsouta
.357Magnum.Hefirestwiceattheviewer.
EXT.THESAWYERBACKYARDDAY
Croquetwicketshavebeensetupinstandardform.VERONICA
andtheHEATHERSstandatvariouspositionsintheyard
holdingdifferentcoloredmalletsnexttomatchingballs.
HEATHERCHANDLERknocksherballthroughthemiddlewicket.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
God,theywon'texpellhim.They'll
justsuspendhimforaweekorsomething.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Heusedarealgun.Theyshould
throwhisassinjail.
VERONICA
Noway.Heusedblanks.AllJ.D.
reallydidwasruintwopairsof
pants...Maybenoteventhat...
(giggling)
Canyoubleachouturinestains?
HEATHERCHANDLERknocksherredballintoHEATHERDUKE'Sgreen
one.
HEATHERCHANDLER
J.D.?Youseemprettyamused.Ithought
youweregivinguponhighschoolguys.
VERONICA
Neversaynever.
HEATHERDUKE
Whatareyougoingtodo,Heather?
Takethetwoshotsorsendmeout?
TheGirlslooktothedoelikeHEATHERDUKEwithincredulous
faces.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Didyouhaveabraintumorfor
breakfast?Firstyouaskifyoucan
bered,knowingthatI'malwaysred...
HEATHERCHANDLERplacesherfootonherredball.Sheswings
hermalletdownhardontheredballsendingtheadjacent
greenonerocketingintoaflowerbed.
HEATHERDUKE
Shit.
HEATHERCHANDLER'snextshotfallsshortofthenextwicket.
HEATHERCHANDLER
(toHEATHERDUKE)
Damn.It'syourturnHeather.
HEATHERDUKE
No,it'sHeather'sturn.
HEATHERMCNAMARAhitsherballthroughawicketandsqueals.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Anyway,Icansaynevertohigh
school.I'vegotDavid.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
KingDavid.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Maybewhenyouhitmaturityyou'll
understandthediffbetweenaRemington
UniversitymanlikeDavidanda
WesterburgboylikeRam"Whambam
thankyoumaam"Sweeney.
HEATHERMCNAMARAmisseshernextshot.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
Ram'ssweet.YoHeather,you'reup.
HEATHERDUKEtriestonavigateashotfromtheflowerbed.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
Noway,noday!
VERONICA
Giveitupgirl!
Asherfriendshowl,HEATHERDUKEslamsherballoutofthe
flowerbed.Theballbouncesoffatreeandamazinglygoes
throughawicket.HEATHERDUKEsquealsindelight.
VERONICAHEATHERMCNAMARA
Holyshit!God,thatwasunbelievable!
HEATHERCHANDLER
What.A.Shot.
HEATHERDUKE'snextshotfallsshortofthenextwicket.
VERONICAbeginssettinguphershot.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
Sotonight'sthenight.Areyou
twoexcited?
HEATHERCHANDLER
I'mgivingVeronicahershot.Her
firstRemingtonParty.Blowittonight
girlandit'skeggerswithkidsall
nextyear.
VERONICA
(missinghershot)
Crap.Sowho'sthisBradguyI've
beensetupwith?Wittyandurbane
prelawyeroralbinoaccountant?
HEATHERCHANDLER
Don'tworry.Davidsayshe'svery
sohe'svery.
HEATHERCHANDLERagainhitsherballintoHEATHERDUKE'S.
HEATHERDUKE
Why?
HEATHERCHANDLER
Whynot?
HEATHERCHANDLERslamsHEATHERDUKE'sballbackintothe
flowerbed.VERONICA'SMOMcallsoutthebackscreendoor.
MOM
Heather,yourMother'shere.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
Comeonwhoeverwantsaride.
AstheHEATHERSheadintothehouse,VERONICApicksupHEATHER
DUKE'Sballandexuberantlythrowsitbacktowardthewickets.
Veronica'sMOM,carryingatrayofpate,andDAD,carryinga
RobertLudlumbook,placethemselvesaroundapatiotable.
DAD
TakeabreakVeronica,sitdown.
VERONICA
Allright.
VERONICAsinksintotheemptymiddledeckchair.
DAD
Sowhatwasthefirstweekof
SpringVacationwithdrawllike?
VERONICA
Idon'tknow,itwasokay,Iguess.
MOM
Heykid,isn'tthepromcomingup?
VERONICA
Iguess.
MOM
Anycontestantsworthmentioning?
VERONICA
Maybe.There'skindofadark
horsenowintherunning.
DAD
(lookingup)
Goddamn.Willsomebodypleasetell
mewhyIreadthisspycrap.
VERONICA
(smiling)
Becauseyou'reanidiot.
DAD
Ohyeah,that'sit.
DADimmediatelyreturnstoreadingwithawidegrin.
MOM
(shakingherhead)
Youtwo....
VERONICA
Greatpate,butI'mgoingtohave
tomotorifIwanttobereadyfor
thepartytonight.
EXT.OUTSIDE711NIGHT
AVolkswagenCabrioletpullsupinfrontofa711with
HEATHERCHANDLERatthewheel.VERONICApopsoutofthe
car,intothestore.HEATHERCHANDLERclamorstoher.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Cornnuts!
INT.711NIGHT
Stylishlydressedtomassacre,VERONICAreachesouttoabag
ofCornNutsasJ.D.'soffscreenvoicedisarmsher.
J.D.(O.S.)
YougoingtopullaBigGulpwiththat?
VERONICA
No,butifyou'reniceI'lllet
youbuymeaSlurpee.Youknow
your711speakprettywell.
J.D.
I'vebeenmovedaroundallmylife;
Dallas,BatonRouge,Vegas,Sherwood
Ohio,there'salwaysa711.Any
town,anytime,IcanpopaHamand
Cheeseinthemicrowaveandfeaston
aBigWheel.Keepsmesane.
VERONICA
Really?Thatthinginthecaf
todaywasprettysevere.
J.D.
Theextremealwaysmakesanimpression,
butyou'reright,itwassevere.Did
yousayaCherryorCokeSlurpee?
VERONICA
Ididn't.Cherry.
VERONICAsmilesatherCoolness.J.D.returnsthesmile.
EXT.711PARKINGLOTNIGHT
VERONICAandJ.D.slurpbyJ.D.'sferociousmotorcycle.
VERONICA
Greatbike.
HEATHERCHANDLERsoundshercarhornwithagrimace.VERONICA
glaresatherthenturnsbacktoJ.D.
J.D.
JustahumbleperkfrommyDad's
ConstructioncompanyorshouldI
sayDeconstructioncompany?
VERONICA
Idon'tknow.Shouldyou?
J.D.
Myfatherseemstoenjoytearing
thingsdownmorethanputtingthingsup.
Seenthecommerical?"Bringingevery
StatetoaHigherState."
VERONICA
Timeout....JasonDean.YourPop's
BigBudDeanConstruction.Mustbe
rough.Movingplacetoplace.
J.D.
Everybody'slife'sgotstatic.Is
yourlifeperfect?
VERONICA
(gentlyjoking)
Sure,I'monmywaytoaparty
atRemingtonUniversity.
VERONICAgrowsseriousasthecarhornsoundsagain.
VERONICA
It'snotperfect.Idon'treally
likemyfriends.
J.D.
Idon'treallylikeyourfriendseither.
VERONICA
It'slikethey'rejustpeopleI
workwithandourjobisbeing
popularandshit.
J.D.
Maybeit'stimeforavacation.
Thecarhornblaresagain.
INT.DORMITORYROOMNIGHT
DAVID,HeatherChandler'sfinelookingcollegebeau,leads
VERONICAandHEATHERCHANDLERintoacramped,eclectically
tackydormroom.Musicpoundsthedoor.
ThesemihandsomeBRADchatsatopadeskwithBRAD'SFRIEND.
DAVID
Throwyourcoatsonthebed,girls.
BRAD
Thatexamwassobogus.
BRAD'SFRIEND
OhIknow.Whichexam?
DAVID
Veronica,thisisBrad.
BRAD
Excellent.Didyougirlsbring
yourpartyingslippers?
HEATHERCHANDLER
Yeah,let'sparty.
DAVID
Shelovestoparty.
Astheyheadoutthedoor,BRADwhisperssomethinginBRAD'S
FRIEND'searcausingthepairtosnarloffalaugh.
INT.VERONICA'SBEDROOMNIGHT
Thevieweristakenbackandforthfromashatteredpostparty
VERONICAtothetraumaticdormitorypartyitself.Thesobbing
monocoledVERONICAwritesatherdesk.
VERONICA(V.O.)
DearDiary,Iwanttokillandyou
havetobelieve.....damnpen!
VERONICAfrenziedlyscribbles,tryingtogetherpento
write.Shethrowsthepenacrosstheroomandpullsout
another.
VERONICA(V.O.)
Youhavetobelieveit'sformore
thanselfishreasons.Morethana
spokeinmymenstrualcycle.You
havetobelieveme.
INT.DORMITORYHALLWAYNIGHT
Thechaotichallwayrumbleswithbeercupsandloudmusic.
VERONICAandHEATHERCHANDLER'sstylishgarbclasheswiththe
laidbackdressoftheCOLLEGESTUDENTS.
BRADanxiouslyhandsVERONICAacupofbeerashewatches
DAVIDandHEATHERCHANDLERmovethroughastaircasedoor.
BRAD
So,areyouacheerleader?
VERONICA
(dealingwithajerk)
No,notatall.
BRAD
You'reprettyenoughtobeone.
VERONICA
Gee,thanks.
BRAD
It'ssogreattobeabletotalk
toagirlandnothavetoask
"What'syourmajor?"Ihatethat.
Theyuncomfortablysiptheirbeers.Adeadlypauseensues.
BRAD
Sowhenyougotocollege,whatkind
ofsubjectsdoyouthinkyou'llstudy?
INT.DAVID'SDORMROOM
HEATHERCHANDLERandDAVIDsitonthelatter'sbed,surrounded
byaPCandaseriesofobnoxiousFerrariposters.Theykiss.
DAVIDdoingmostofthework.
HEATHERCHANDLER
ComeonDavid,let'sgobacktotheparty.
DAVID
(unzippinghispants)
Don'tworry,wewill.You'rejustso
hottonight.Ican'tcontrolmyself.
DAVIDpushesHEATHERCHANDLER'sheaddown.
INT.DORMHALLWAYNIGHT
BRADhasgivenuponconversation.
BRAD
Sowhatdoyousayweheaduptomy
roomandhavearealparty.I'vegotthe
bestWindhamHillC.D.collection
inthedorm.
BRAD'SFRIENDapproachesbeforeVERONICAcanshowdisgust.
BRAD'SFRIEND
Bradley,Hennesey'slookingfor
you.Hesaysheowesyouforblow
andhejustgotsomeproducthimself.
BRAD
You'rekidding.Thatpeckeractually
scoredsomethingonhisown?
BRAD'SFRIEND
(amblingoff)
He'sinSheila'sroom,bigguy.Partyup.
BRAD
Excellent.Veronica,everdococaine?
VERONICA
EversincePhilCollinsdidthatanti
drugthingonMTVIrefuseeverything.
BRAD
PhilCollins?Areyousureheisn't
drinkinganddriving?
VERONICA
Jeez,right,thenwhydon'tIdodrugs?
BRAD
Right.Hey,don'trunawaynow.
Withawink,BRADsquirmsoff.VERONICAdashesintotheroom
withthecoats.
VERONICArampagesthroughherdiary.
VERONICA(V.O.)
SeventeenisthelastyearMombuys
theTwinkies.Whenyoumakethe
jumpfromworkingweekendsatPizza
HuttothirtyyearsatI.B.M.,you
losesomething.Notinnocencepower.
J.F.K.thecatjumpsontotheDiary.
VERONICA
J.F.K.!
VERONICAflingsthescreechingcatoffandcontinues.
VERONICA(V.O.)
Christ,Ican'texplainit,butI'm
allowedanunderstandingthatmy
parentsandtheseRemingtonUniversity
assholeshavechosentoignore.I
understandImuststopHeather.
INT.DORM"COAT"ROOMNIGHT
Panting,VERONICAcollapsesatadeskinthe"coat"room.She
drawsaVodkabottlefromastockpileofliquorandpours
someinherbeercup,slouchingdowninherchair.
VERONICAlightsamatchfroma711matchbook.Sheeerily
bringsherhandcloserandclosertothefireuntilit
touches.
Withaneekofpain,shetossesthematchawayintotheVodka
cup,settingitafire.VERONICAlaughstoherselfbefore
tossingtheflamingcupoutthewindow.
EXT.ALLEYOUTSIDETHEDORMITORYNIGHT
Theflamingcuplandsinalargerustedgarbagecanfilled
withothercupsandvariousrefuse.Theflamesspread...
INT.DORMITORYBATHROOMNIGHT
AdejectedHEATHERCHANDLERwalksintoamultimirrorandsink
bathroom.Usingaglassoffoneofthesinks,shegarglessome
waterandthenspitsitatherownreflection.
INT.THEDORM"COAT"ROOMNIGHT
VERONICAclosesthewindowasBRADopensthedoor.
BRAD
How'smylittlecheerleader?NowI
knoweveryoneatyourhighschool
isn'tsouptight,comeon.
VERONICA
Heyreally,Idon'tfeelsogreat.
BRAD
Let'sdoitonthecoats.It'll
beexcellent.
BRADplopsdownontothebedofcoatsandbeginsbouncing.
VERONICA
IhavealittlepreparedspeechI
givewhenmysuitorwantsmore
thanI'dliketogivehim....
GeeBlank,Ihadanice....
BRAD
SavethespeechesforMalcomX.
Ijustwannagetlaid.
VERONICA
Youdon'tdeservemyfuckingspeech!
VERONICAyanksuphercoatfrombeneathBRADonthebed
causinghimtoslideoffontothefloor.
VERONICAstormsintothehallwaybutslowsdownwhenshesees
she'sattractingattention.ShenoticesanincitedBRAD
slithertothesmilingDAVIDwhochatswithsomeSTUDENTS,
HEATHERCHANDLERonhisarm.
BRADcausesDAVID'ssmiletoeversoslightlydiminish.DAVID
whisperstoHEATHERCHANDLERwhoproceedstosetdownherbeer
andwalktowardVERONICA.
EXT.DORMITORYALLEYNIGHT
Thefireinthetrashcanisraging.
AsteelfacedHEATHERCHANDLERcomesfacetofacewith
VERONICA.
HEATHERCHANDLER
What'syourdamage?Bradsays
you'rebeingarealcooze.
VERONICA
Heather,Ifeelawful,likeI'mgoing
tothrowup.Canwejam,please?
HEATHERCHANDLER
No.Hellno.
VERONICA'Seyesfallshutinanearfaint.Sheflingsherself
downoffscreenwithsomeuglywretchingsounds.
VERONICAsavagelyscrawlsinherdiary,tearsburningfierce.
VERONICA(V.O.)
BettyFinnwasatruefriendandI
soldheroutforabunchofSwatchdogs
andDietCokeheads.KillingHeather'd
belikeoffingtheWickedWitchofthe
West.OrisitEast?West!Isound
likeapsycho.TomorrowI'llbekissing
heraerobicizedassbuttonightletme
dreamofaworldwithoutHeather.A
worldwhereIamfree.
VERONICArisesintoviewwithtingesofvomitonhermouth.A
smilebreaksacrossHEATHERCHANDLER'sgranitepuss.VERONICA
runsoffasSTUDENTSlaughinthebackground.
EXT.DORMITORYALLEYNIGHT
VERONICAchargesintothealley.Shewhipsaroundtofacea
screechingHEATHERCHANDLER.InbackofVERONICA,thetrashcan
bellowslikeMt.Vesuvius.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Youstupidcunt!
VERONICA
Yougoddamnbitch!
TheflickeringflamescastHEATHERCHANDLERinademonic
light.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Youwerenothingbeforeyoumetme!
YouwereplayingBarbieswithBetty
Finn!YouwereaBrownie,youwerea
Bluebird,youwereaGirlScout
Cookie!IgotyouintoaRemington
Party!What'smythanks?It'sonthe
hallwaycarpet.Igetpaidinpuke!
VERONICA
Lickitup,baby.Lick.It.Up.
HEATHERCHANDLER
(totallyincontrol)
Mondaymorning,you'rehistory.I'll
telleveryoneabouttonight.Transfer
toWashington.TransfertoJefferson.
NooneatWesterburg'sgoingtolet
youplaytheirreindeergames.
VERONICAflingsherdiaryacrosstheroomwhereithitsthe
wallbehindthestunningfigureofJ.D.VERONICAgasps.
J.D.
Dreadfuletiquette.Iapologize.
VERONICA
(exhalingdeeply)
S'okay....
J.D.
Isawthecroquetsetupintheback.
Upforamatch?
VERONICAissimultaneouslydismayedandexhilarated.Sheseems
readytoburstoutallheranxietiesbutinstead....
VERONICA
Sure.ButI'mBlue.
EXT.THESAWYERBACKYARDLATENIGHT
Theviewer'sviewpointglidesthroughthegrassofVeronica's
backyarduncoveringcombinationsofwicketsandarticlesof
clothing.Apairofgirlsshoesandapairofguysshoesrest
togetherbythefirstwicket.
J.D.(V.O.)
Goddamn,nowonderyoulookedso
mangledwhenIcamethroughthewindow.
Femininesocksandmasculinesockslaycrumpledbythenextwicket.
VERONICA(V.O.)
I'vealwaystreatedHeather'steen
queenpowerplaysasbullshit.....
AsVERONICAquiveringlypauses,astylishblouseandarugged
shirtarerevealedminglingbyanotherwicket.
VERONICA(V.O.)
ButI'mreallyscared.WhoamIgoing
toeatlunchwithonMonday?Isound
likeanAfterschoolSpecial.
Theviewer'sviewpointmovestoadressandapairofjeans
restingsidebysideatanotherwicket.
J.D.(V.O.)
ThatwasmyfirstgameofStrip
Croquet,youknow.Ithankyou.
VERONICA(V.O.)
You'rewelcome.It'salotmore
interestingthanjustflinging
offyourclothesandboningaway
ontheneighbor'sswingset.
VERONICA'Sbluemallethasbeenstakedintotheground.Her
pantieshangononeend,J.D.'sunderwearhangsontheother.
J.D.(O.S.)
Well,Idon'tknow.There's
somethingtobesaidfor...Ouch!
VERONICAandJ.D.arefinallyrevealed,entangledinanartful
poseuponJ.D.'sgunslingercoat.Theywarmlykiss.VERONICA
breaksofftouneasilygiggle.
VERONICA
Whatanight.
J.D.gentlybitesintoVERONICA'sneck.VERONICAgrooveson
it,closinghereyestightly.
VERONICA
Whatalife.Ialmostmovedintohigh
schooloutofsixthgradebecauseI
wassomegenius.Wealldecidedto
chucktheideabecauseI'dhave
troublemakingfriends,blahblahblah.
VERONICAslidesherheaddownagainstJ.D.'schestand
gracefullyrestsonhislap.Gentlyfightingslumber,she
murmursuptoJ.D.,whoshowersherfacewithslowkisses.
VERONICA
NowblahblahblahisallIdo.Iuse
mygrandI.Q.tofigureoutwhatgloss
towearandhowtohitthreekeggers
beforecurfew.Somegenius.
J.D.
HeatherChandlerisonebitchthat
deservestodie.
VERONICA
Killingherwon'tsolveanything.
J.D.
Awelltimedlightningboltthrough
herwindowandMondaymorning,all
theotherheathers,shit,everybody
wouldbecastfuckingadrift.
VERONICA
Wellthen,I'llprayforrain.
J.D.
Seethecondomsinthegrassover
there.Wekilledtonight,Veronica.
Wemurderedourbaby.
VERONICA
Hey,itwasgoodformetoo,Sparky.
J.D.
Justsayingit'snothardtoendalife.
VERONICA
There'sabigdifferencebetween
themostpopulargirlintheschool
anddeadsperm.
Theylaugh.VERONICAmaneuversherselfintoasittingposition.
J.D.
IguessIdon'tknowwhatthehell
I'mtalkingabout.
VERONICA
Iknowexactlywhatthehellyou're
talkingaboutandyou'reright,you
don'tknowwhatthehellyou're
talkingabout.Let'sjustgrowup,
beadults,anddie.
J.D.
Goodplan.
VERONICA
Butbeforethat,I'dliketosee
HeatherChandlerpukehergutsout.
INT.HEATHERCHANDLER'SBEDROOMDAY
HEATHERCHANDLER'sbedroomislushlyandexpensivelyfurnished
withaglasscoffeetableasaneyecatchingcenterpiece.
HEATHERCHANDLERhalfsleepsintwistedbedsheetsasMRS.
CHANDLER'SVOICEattacksthroughthedoor.
MRS.CHANDLER(O.S.)
Weareleavingsoonforyour
grandmother's.Ifyoucaretojoinus...
HEATHERCHANDLER
Bagthat.
MRS.CHANDLER(O.S.)
Isthata"No"inyourlingo?
HEATHERCHANDLERgivesthevoicebehindthedoor"thefinger."
HEATHERCHANDLER
Lingothis.
INT.THECHANDLERKITCHENDAY
Thesoundofalockbeingjimmiedisheardmomentsbefore
VERONICAandJ.D.burstthroughthedoor.
VERONICA
(quietly)
Trustme.SheskipstheSaturday
morningtriptoGrandma'seven
whenshe'snothungover.
J.D.
Thenlet'sjustconcoctourselvesa
littlehangovercurethat'llinduce
hertospewred,white,andblue.
VERONICAopenstherefrigerator.J.D.opensthecupboard
beneaththesink.
VERONICA
Whataboutorangejuiceandmilk?
What'stheupchuckfactoronthat?
J.D.holdsupabottleofcleaningfluid.
J.D.
I'maNoRustBuildupman,myself.
VERONICA
Don'tbeadick.Thatstuff'll
killher.
VERONICAandJ.D.makequeasyeyecontact.VERONICAdescends
backintotherefrigeratorwithsomeworkedupenthusiasmas
J.D.suavelypoursbitsofvarioustoxiccontainers
(detergent,scouringpowder)intoaglassbeermug.
VERONICA
Okay.We'llcookupsomesoupandput
itinaCoke.Sick,eh?Nowshouldit
beChickenNoodleorBeanwithBacon?
J.D.
ManVeronica,pulltheplugonthat
shit.IsaywegowithBigBlue.
J.D.raisestheglassfilledwithwhatisnowastrangeblue
liquid.VERONICAstaresattheglass,scaredbyherown
thoughts.
VERONICA
Whatareyoudoing?Youjust
can'tgo.....Besides,she'dnever
drinkanythingthatlookslikethat.
J.D.
Okaywe'llusethis.Shewon'tbe
abletotellwhatshe'sdrinking.
J.D.pullsdownaceramiccupandtriumphantlypoursthe
poisonouslybluebeerglasscontentsintoit.Aneeriepause
ensues.VERONICAtakesoutamilkcartonandacontainerof
orangejuice.Shestrutsbacktothecounterinanger,icily
muttering.
VERONICA
Justgivemeacup,jerk.
J.D.sheepishlypullsdownanidenticalceramiccup.VERONICA
tearsitfromhimandpourssomemilkandthensomeorange
juiceintothecup.
VERONICA
Milkandorangejuice.Hmmmm.Maybe
wecouldcoughaphlegmglobberin
itorsomething.
J.D.
Yeah,great.
Theybothstartcoughingharshly.
VERONICA
Noluck?Well,milkandorangejuice'll
doquitenicely.Quitenicely.
J.D.
Chicken.
VERONICA
You'renotfunny.
J.D.turnsonhisheelandslinksaway.VERONICAglaresdown
atthemessoftoxiccontainers.
Withbotharms,VERONICAclumpsthetoxiccontainerstogether
anddropsbeneaththesinktoputthemaway.J.D.swaggers
backintothekitchenasVERONICAbobsbackintoview.
J.D.
I'msorry.
J.D.kissesthebackofherneck.VERONICAcloseshereyes
withagrudgingsmile.
VERONICA
Bonehead.
VERONICAdreamilyreachesouttooneofthetwoceramiccups.
Nottheonewithmilkandorangejuiceinit.
INT.HEATHERCHANDLER'SBEDROOMDAY
HEATHERCHANDLERangelicallysleepsasVERONICAandJ.D.
enter.
VERONICA
Morning,Heather.
Likealion,HEATHERCHANDLERrousesherselfup.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Veronica.AndJesseJames.Quelle
surprise.HearaboutVeronica's
affectionforregurgitation?
VERONICA
Webothsaidalotofthingswe
didn'tmean,lastnight.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Didwe?Howthehell'dyougetinhere?
J.D.
Veronicaknewyou'dhaveahangover.
SoIwhippedthisup.Familyrecipe.
J.D.holdsouttheceramiccup.HEATHERCHANDLERsnorts.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Didyouputaphlegmglobberinit
orsomething?I'mnotdrinkingthatpiss.
J.D.
Iknewthisstuffwouldbetoointense.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Intense?Growup.YouthinkI'lldrink
itjustbecauseyoucallmechicken.
Theydo.They'reright.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Justgivemethecup,jerk.
HEATHERCHANDLERrisesfromthebedandstrutstoJ.D.in
anger.Shetakesthecup,slamsherheadbackanddownsit
all.
Shethenlaunchesherheadforward,herfacecontortedin
agony.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Cornnuts!
HEATHERCHANDLER'Seyesslamshutandherlimpbodycrashes
throughtheglasscoffeetable.VERONICAandJ.D.freeze.
J.D.
Somethingtellsmeyoupickedup
thewrongcup.
VERONICA
Noshit,sherlock.Ican'tbelieve
it.Ijustkilledmybestfriend.
J.D.
Andyourworstenemy.
VERONICA
Samedifference.Ohjesus,I'mgonna...
VERONICAstaggerstoadesk.J.D.laughsoutofshock.
J.D.
Whatarewegoingtotellthecops?
"Fuckitifshecan'ttakeajoke,Sarge."
VERONICA
Stopkiddingaround.Thepolice....oh
no,ohGod....Ican'tbelievethisis
mylife..I'mgoingtohavetosendmy
S.A.T.scorestoSanQuentininstead
ofStanford.
J.D.
I'mjustalittlefreaked,allright?
(abeat)
Yougotwhatyouwanted,youknow.
VERONICA
Don'tsaythat!It'sonethingto
wantsomebodyoutofyourlife.It's
anotherthingtoservethemawakeup
cupofLiquidDrainer....Don'tsay....
VERONICAstaresoffasJ.D.paceslikeacagedanimal.He
scopesontotherubbleoftheshatteredcoffeetableandsees
CliffNotesforTheBellJarplusamagazineproclaiming
"THEFALLOFTHEAMERICANTEEN"underHEATHERCHANDLER'sbody.
J.D.
Wedidamurder.InOhio,that'sacrime.
Butifthiswaslikeasuicidething.....
VERONICA
Likeasuicidething?
J.D.
Adolescenceisaperiodoflife
fraughtwithanxietyandconfusion.
VERONICA
(calmingdown)
IcandoHeather'shandwritingas
wellasmyown.
VERONICAtakessomestationeryfromthedeskandbegins
writing,callingoutherwords.
VERONICA
"YoumightthinkwhatI'vedoneis
shocking..."
J.D.
"Tomethough,suicideisthe
naturalanswertothemyriad
ofproblemslifehasgivenme."
VERONICA
That'sgood,butHeatherwould
neverusetheword"myriad."
J.D.
Thisisthelastthingshe'llever
write.She'llwanttocashinonas
manyfiftycentwordsasposs.
VERONICA
Shemissed"myriad"onavocab
testtwoweeksago,allright?
J.D.
Thatonlyprovesmypointmore.Theword
isabadgeforherfailuresatschool.
VERONICA
You'reprobablyright..."Peoplethink
justbecauseyou'rebeautifuland
popular,lifeiseasyandfun.Nobody
understoodIhadfeelingstoo."
J.D.
"Idieknowingnooneknewtherealme."
VERONICA
That'sgood.Haveyoudonethisbefore?
VERONICA'ssmilediesasshelookstoHEATHERCHANDLER'Scorpse.
INT.SCHOOLCONFERENCEROOMDAY
Attheheadofalongconferencetableisthebearlike
PRINCIPALGOWAN.Circlingthetableisthegrayhairedbut
savvyMRS.POPE,theyuppieblackcounselorPAULHYDE,TWO
largeDISCIPLINARIANTYPES,andmostnoticeably,the
eccentricallydressedMS.PAULINEFLEMING.Coatsareinchairs
andcigarettesmokeisintheair,asthegroupbatterstheir
waythroughamorningmourningconference.
PRINCIPALGOWAN
AnyotherPrincipalwouldtakethesame
position.Keepthingsbusinessasusual.
COUNSELORHYDE
HeatherChandler'snotyoureveryday
suicide.Shewasverypopular.
PRINCIPALGOWAN
ComeonPaul,Iletthekidsgobefore
lunchandtheswitchboard'lllightup
likeaChristmasTree.
COUNSELORHYDE
Theparentswillbesympathetic,sir.
Thesearetroubledtimesfortheyoung.
MRS.POPE
ImustsayIwasimpressedtosee
thatshemadeproperuseoftheword
"myriad"inhersuicidenoteafter
brutalizingitinavocabularytest.
PAULINE
(dramaticallycuttingin)
Ifinditprofoundlydisturbingthat
wearetoldofatragicdestruction
ofyouthandallwecantalkabout
isadequatemourningtimesand
misusedvocabularywords.
Acollectivesighgoesacrosstheroom.
PRINCIPALGOWAN
OhChrist.
PAULINE
Theschool,meaningbothstudents
andteachers,mustrevelinthis
revealingmoment.Isuggestweget
everyoneintothecafeteriaand
justtalk.Andfeel.Together.
PRINCIPALGOWAN
Thankyou,Ms.Fleming.Callme
whentheshuttlelands...Nowis
thisHeatherthecheerleader?
COUNSELORHYDE
ThatwouldbeHeatherMcnamara.
PRINCIPALGOWAN
Damn.I'dbewillingtogohalfa
dayforacheerleader.
MRS.POPE
Let'sjustpackitinanhourearly.
PRINCIPALGOWAN
Done.IhateMondays.
INT.PAULINEFLEMING'SCLASSROOMDAY
Thedesksoftheclassroomhavebeenmaneuveredintoan
amusinglychaoticpositionbyPAULINE'SPUPILS.Sheis
furious.
PAULINE
Isaidacircleyouimbeciles!Forget
it!Justsitdown.I'mjustsothrilled
tobegivenanexampleofeverything
I'vetaughtyou.Thatexampleis
HeatherChandler.Ihavethenote!
PAULINEmelodramaticallyliftsthesuicidenote.TheclassAAAHS.
MALESTUDENT
Awright!
PAULINE
I'llpassthesuicidenotearound
theroomsoyoucanfeelitstragic
beautyforyourself.Letusshare
togetherthefeelingsthesuicidehas
spurredinusall.Whowantstobegin?
FEMALESTONERINARMYJAKET
Ihearditwasreallygnarly.Shesucked
downabowlofmultipurposedeodorizing
disinfectantthenshesmashed....
PAULINE
Now,now,we'renotheretorehash
thecoroner'sreport.Let'stalkemotions.
ALLOUTNERD
Arewegoingtobetestedonthis?
AstunnedPAULINEglaresuntilpreppiePETERDAWSONspeaks.
Thenotecontinuestobebreathlesslypassedaround.
PETER
HeatherandIusedtogotogether,
butshesaidIwasboring.Irealize
nowIwasn'treallyboring.Shewas
justdissatisfiedwithherlife.
PAULINE
That'sverygoodPeter.
VERONICAletsoutalaughthatshedisguisesasasobby
puttingherhandsoverherface.
PAULINE
DearVeronica,Heatherwasyour
soulmate.....Share.
VERONICA
Heatherwascool,butcruel.Thegood
looksandbadmannersgaveherpower,
butitcouldnotgiveherhappiness.
TheclassstarestoVERONICAasthesuicidenoteispassedto
her.Sheacknowledgesitinhorror,passesiton,then
continues,realizingherabilitytocreatetruthsfora
captiveaudience.
VERONICA
Sherealizedtheonlywayshecould
behappywastogiveupherpowerand
theonlywayshecoulddothatwasDeath.
PAULINEcries.ThePUPILSapplaud.VERONICAqueasilysmiles.
INT.THEGIRLSLOCKERROOMDAY
TheGIRLSarefinishingupputtingontheirclothes.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
OhGod,it'ssounfair.It'sjustso
unfair!Weshouldgetawholeweek
offnotjustanhour.
HEATHERDUKE
WritetheSchoolBoard.
HEATHERDUKEgnawsonachickenlegasshespeaks.
VERONICA
Watchit,Heather.Youcouldactually
bedigestingfood.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
Yeah,where'syoururgetopurge?
HEATHERDUKE
(belching)
Fuckit.
HEATHERMCNAMARApullsaSwatchfromoneofthelockers.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
Look,heatherleftbehindoneofher
Swatches.She'dwantyoutohaveit,
Veronica.Shealwayssaidyoucouldn't
accessorizeforshit.
HEATHERMCNAMARAtossesthewatchtoaspookedVERONICAwho
standsupandsolemnlyputsiton.TheFEMALESTONERINARMY
JACKETstopsnexttotheirbench.
FEMALESTONERINARMYJACKET
I'msorryaboutyourfriend.Ithought
shewasyourusualairheadbitch.
GuessIwaswrong.Lotofuswere.
HEATHERDUKEbobsupfromtheworld'slargestsnocone.
HEATHERDUKE
Whatawaste.
VERONICAzombiesquelymovesintotheshowerarea.
HEATHERDUKE(V.O.)
OhtheHumanity.
INT.THESHOWERDAY
VERONICAturnsonashowerandletsthewatersprayagainst
herclothes.
INT.THELOCKERROOMDAY
HEATHERMCNAMARA
Veronica,whatareyoudoing?
SQUEALINGGIRL(O.S.)
Everyoneintheshower!
TWOGIGGLINGGIRLSrunintotheshowerfullyclothed.THREE
OTHERSfollowsuit.TheHEATHERSlooktoeachother,laugh,
andrunin.
INT.THEGIRLS'COACH'SLOCKERROOMOFFICEDAY
HeavyMetalersMATT,CLYDE,andSTEVEplusGeekRODNEYsneak
intoadarkenedroom.Girls'laughterdriftsin.
MATT
DoIdeliverordoIdeliver?
RODNEY
Hurryup,we'regoingtogetcaught.
MATT
MellowoutGeek.Man,Inever
shouldhavebroughtyou.
CLYDE
Let'sseesomepussy!
MATTpullsacurtainrevealingasemioverheadviewofthe
showeringandclothedGIRLS.
INT.THESHOWERDAY
TheGIRLSsplashandspininballetlikeslowmotion.VERONICA
standsfacingtheviewer,theSwatchnoticeablyattached.
INT.THEGIRLS'COACH'SLOCKERROOMOFFICEDAY
Cautiouslyquietpandemonium.
MATT
Doesthishavesomethingtodowith
menstrualcrampsandshit?
CLYDE
(dazed)
Whatthefuck?
RODNEY
We'reonCandidCamera,dudes.I
canfeelit.
CLYDE
Whatthefuck?
EXT.OUTSIDEOFTHESCHOOLDAY
Pullingtheircoatsovertheirwetclothes,VERONICAandthe
HEATHERScomeoutoftheschool.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
Thatwasseriouslywarped,Veronica.
VERONICA
Uhhuh.
HEATHERDUKE
T.V.cameras!
Inthedistance,aT.V.CAMERACREWisinterviewingSTUDENTS.
HEATHERDUKEdashestowardthem.HEATHERMCNAMARAfreezes.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
OhGod,Veronica.Myhair!Myclothes!
HEATHERMCNAMARAmoans,vibrates,thensuddenlyracestoward
thecameras.VERONICAlooksdownatthesoaked,stoppedSwatch
onherarm.Shetakesitoffanddropsitinaneabytrashcan.
INT.THEDEANLIVINGROOMLATEAFTERNOON
AmassiveT.V.setshowstheimageofHEATHERDUKEposedbya
tree,talkingintoamicrophone.
HEATHERDUKE(T.V.)
Ichoosetorememberthegoodtimes.
Likewhenwegotourearspierced
atthemall.
TheimageofHEATHERMCNAMARAsittinginthegrasstalking
intoamicrophonesupersedesHEATHERDUKE's.
HEATHERMCNAMARA(T.V.)
Icanstillhearthoselatenight
talksonthephone.
TheimageofPETERDAWSONsittingonarockcomesonnext.
PETER(T.V.)
ThedayIwonherthatstuffedrhino
atthe4HFair,shesaidtome....
VERONICA(O.S.)
You'reanasshole!Mutehim!
VERONICAandJ.D.areseentobecrashedonacouch.J.D.
pushesabuttonontheremotecontrol,cuttingthesound.
J.D.
Mute!
VERONICA
Nextchannel,darling.
ThesilentimageofHEATHERDUKEonastaircasetalkingintoa
microphoneisonthescreen.
VERONICA(O.S.)
Heather,howmanynetworksdid
yourunto!
CountryClubCourtneyappearswearingaTshirtreadingBIGFUN.
VERONICAtakestheremoteandturnsthesoundon.
VERONICA
Oh,Ihavetohearthis.
COURTNEY(T.V.)
Inmyheart,Heather'sstillalive.
VERONICA
(mutingCourtney)
Whatareyoutalkingabout?She
hatedyou!Youhatedher!
(toJ.D.)
Whatareyousmilingat?
J.D.
HeatherChandlerismorepopular
thanevernow.
VERONICA
Yeah.Scarystuff.
J.D.suddenlylooksawayfromVERONICAwithamischievous
halfsmile.Heinexplicablycallsout.
J.D.
Whyson,Ididn'thearyoucomein.
J.D.'sfatherBIGBUDDEAN,standsbeforethem,handsomeand
threateninginashirtandtie.Heisrathermalevolently
holdingarowingmachine.
BIGBUDDEAN
HeyDad,howwasworktoday?
BIGBUDslamsdownhisrowingmachineandstraddlesitbefore
answeringhisownquestion.Herowsashespeaks.TheBrady
BunchsputtersontheT.V.screenbeforehim.
BIGBUDDEAN
Itwasmiserable.Somedamntribeof
witheredoldbitchesdoesn'twantus
toterminatethatfleabaghotel.All
becauseGlennMillerandhisbandonce
tookashitthere.It'sjustlike
Kansas.DoyourememberfuckingKansas?
J.D.
Thatwastheonewithwheatright?
BIGBUDDEAN
TheSavetheMemorialOakTree
Society.Showedthosefucks.
J.D.turnstoVERONICAwithabemusedsmile.
J.D.
ThirtyFourthofJulyfireworks
attachedtothetrunk.Arraigned
butAcquitted.
BIGBUDDEAN
FuckingKansas.GoshPop,Ialmost
forgottointroducemygirlfriend.
J.D.
Veronica,Dad.Dad,Veronica.
VERONICA
Hello.
VERONICA,withaforcedsmile,reachestoshakedBUD'shand.
Heextendshishandbutmakesnoefforttostoprowing
hencehishandpullsawayfromVERONICA.Popandsonlaugh.
J.D.
Jason,whydon'tyouaskyour
littlefriendtostayfordinner.
VERONICA
(awkwardlystanding)
MyMom'smakingmyfavoritemeal
tonight.Spaghetti.Lotsoforegano.
J.D.
Nice.ThelasttimeIsawmyMom,
shewaswavingoutthewindowofa
libraryinTexas.Right,Dad?
BIGBUDDEANstopsrowingtogrinaYouThinkYou're
TougherThanMeButYou'reNotsmiletoJ.D.
BIGBUDDEAD
Right,son.
VERONICA
(weakly)
Right.
EXT.THESAWYERPATIODUSK
Justasintheearlierpatioscene,DADandMOMSAWYERare
seatedatapatiotablewithanemptychairbetweenthem.Pate
isonthetable.DADsmokesacigarette.
DAD
TakeabreakVeronica,sitdown.
VERONICAwalksintoviewandsitsdown.
VERONICA
Allright.
DAD
Sowhatwasthefirstdayafter
Heather'ssuicidelike?
VERONICA
Idon'tknow,itwasokay,Iguess.
MOM
Terriblething.Sowillwegetto
meetthisdarkhorsepromcontender?
VERONICA
Maybe.
DAD
(lookingathiscigarette)
Goddamn.Willsomebodypleasetell
mewhyIsmokethesedamnthings?
VERONICA
(smiling)
Becauseyou'reanidiot.
DAD
Ohyeah,that'sit.
DADimmediatelytakesanotherdragwithawidegrin.
MOM
(shakingherhead)
Youtwo....
VERONICA
Greatepate,butI'mgoingtohave
tomotorifIwanttobereadyfor
thefuneraltomorrow.
INT.HEATHERMCNAMARA'SBEDROOMDAY
AmontagecommencesshowingtheHEATHERSpreparingforthe
funeral.HEATHERMCNAMARAmodelsanallblackoutfitinfront
ofadressingtablemirror.Shestormsaway,pouting.
INT.HEATHERDUKE'SBEDROOMDAY
Bobbingupfromafashionmagazinewhosecoverstoryis
FUNERALCHIC,HEATHERDUKEfinishesapplyingblacklipstick.A
lookofhorrorpassesoverherfaceandshesavagelyscrubs
herlips.
INT.CHURCHDAY
AMORTICIANputsthefinishingtouchesonHEATHERCHANDLER,
smoothingoutherclothesandbuffingherface.Hegently
kissesherforeheadthenquicklyrebuffsthespot.
INT.HEATHERMCNAMARA'SBEDROOMDAY
HEATHERMCNAMARAmodelsanotherblackoutfit.Sheresponds
thistimewithasatisfiedsmile.
INT.HEATHERDUKE'SBEDROOMDAY
Traditionallymadeup,asmilingHEATHERDUKEbringsa
crucifixearringtoherearandattachesit.
INT.CHURCHDAY
HEATHERCHANDLERserenelyliesinacoffinasFATHERRIPPER
bellowsoffscreen.ApanoramaofADULTSandSTUDENTSis
revealedatthismoresocialthanspiritualevent.VERONICA
andJ.D.watchfromthebackpew.
FATHERRIPPER(O.S.)
IblamenotHeatherbutrathera
societythattellsitsyouththat
theanswersareontheMTVvideo
games.Wemustpraytheother
teenagersofSherwood,Ohio,know
thenameofthat"righteousdude"
whocansolvetheirproblems....
ThebaldFATHERRIPPERfinallycomesintoview.
FATHERRIPPER
(cont'd)
It'sJesusChristandhe'sinthebook.
KNEELINGPODIUMBEFORECOFFINLATER
BETTYFINNiskneelingbeforeHEATHERCHANDLER'Sopencoffin.
Theviewerhearswhatsheisthinking.
BETTY(V.O.)
MayHeatherChandlerrestinpeace
eventhoughshecommittedsuicide.
Forthekingdomthepowerandthe
gloryareyoursnowandforeverAmen.
BETTYFINNmakesthesignofthecross,rises,andexits.
HEATHERMCNAMARAtakesherplaceonthekneelingpodium.
HEATHERMCNAMARA(V.O.)
OhGod,thisisatragicthingand
sometimesIhaveahardtimedealing
withitandstuff.PleasesendHeather
toheavenandallthat.Thanks.I
mean,Amen.
HEATHERMCNAMARAexitsandPETERDAWSONmovesinherplace.
PETER(V.O.)
DearGod,makesurethisnever
happenstome.IdonotthinkI
couldhandlesuicideandthat's
theGod'shonesttruth.Pardon
thepun.Fastearlyacceptance
intoanIvyLeagueschooland
pleaseletitbeHarvard.Amen.
PETERfleesandRAMuncomfortablytakeshisplace.
RAM(V.O.)
JesusGodinheaven,uh,whydid
youkillsuchhotsnatch.That's
ajoke,man.Peoplearesoserious.
(abeat)
HailMary,whoaren'tinheaven,
prayforussinners....sowedon't
getcaught.Anotherjoke,man.
RAMclumsilyexits.HEATHERDUKEsolemnlykneelsinhisplace.
HEATHERDUKE(V.O.)
IprayedforthedeathofHeather
ChandlermanytimesandIfeltbad
everytimeIdid,butIkeptdoing
itanyway.NowIknowyouunderstood
everything.PraiseJesus.Alleluia.
HEATHERDUKEdepartsandVERONICAkneelsinherplace.
VERONICA(V.O.)
Hi.I'msorry.TechnicallyIdidn't
killHeatherChandlerbuthey,who
amItryingtokid,right?Ijust
wantmyhighschooltobeanice
place.Amen.Didthatsoundbitchy?
CHURCHLOBBY
HEATHERMCNAMARAdipsabigcombintheholywaterbasinand
thencombsoutherhair.VERONICAbreezesby.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
Veronica.Whatareyoudoingtonight?
VERONICA
Mourning.MaybewatchsomeT.V.Why?
HEATHERMCNAMARA
Ramaskedmeout,buthewantsto
doublewithKurtandKurtdoesn't
haveadate.
VERONICA
Heather,I'vegotsomething
goingwithJ.D.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
PleaseVeronica.PutBillytheKidon
holdtonight,I'llneverforgetit.
EXT.CHURCHPARKINGLOTDAY
KURTKELLYandRAMstandbyRAM'Svan.
KURT
Weontonight,man?
RAM
IstillgottotalktoHeather,
dude.Weirdfuneral,huh?
KURT
Prettyweird.
GeeksRODNEYandBRACESthrustbyKURTandRAM.BRACES
obliviouslystepsonKURT'sfoot.
KURT
Thatpudwapperjuststeppedonmyfoot.
RAM
Let'skickhisass.
KURT
Cooloff,we'reseniors.
RAM
GoddamnGeek!
BRACESgivesthem"thefinger".
BRACES
(awkwardlydefiant)
Sitandspin.
KURTandRAMturntoeachothermoreamusedthanangered.
KURT
Thatlittleprick.
TheboltingJockseffortlesslycatchBRACESandputhimintoa
hunchedoverposition.TheotherGeekslookon,ashamed.
KURT
Allrightyoupieceofshitfag,
doyouliketosuckbigdicks?
BRACES
Cutitout!
RAMpushesBRACESdownharder.
KURT
Sayitman.SayIliketosuckbigdicks.
RODNEY
Leavehimalone,Kurt.
J.D.ridesbyonhismotorcycle.HeturnstowatchKURT,
wearinganoverwhelminglytintedmotorcyclehelmetthatreads
THETRUEKILLERacrossthetop.KURTisspooked.
RAM(O.S.)
Sayit!
BRACES
Okay,okay,youliketosuckbigdicks.
Unamused,RAMthrowsBRACEStotheground.BRACESsemicries.
BRACES
Iliketosuckbigdicks.Mmmmm!
Ican'tgetenoughofthem.Satisfied?
KURT
I'msureyourfriendsarehappy
tohearthat.
(withalisp)
Right,guys?
ANOTHERPLACEINTHEPARKINGLOT
VERONICAandHEATHERMCNAMARAsashaythroughtheparkinglot.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
Don'tworry,Ram'sbeensosweet
lately,consolingmeandstuff.
It'llbereallyvery.Promise.
Movingintothebackground,BRACESwipesdirtandbloodoff
hisfaceashisfriendsglumlywatchon.
VERONICA
Allright,butIhopeitisn't
goingtobeoneofthosenightswhere
theygetshitfacedandtakeustoa
pasturetotipcows.
EXT.COWPASTURENIGHT
ACOWstandssleeping.Gigglinganddrunk,KURTandRAM
scramblearoundtheCOW.Uncomfortableandsober,VERONICAand
HEATHERMCNAMARAlookon.
KURT
Isitsleeping,dude?
RAM
Ithinkso,man.
KURT
Thengetoveronmyside.Ohshit,
cowtippingisthefuckinggreatest.
RAM
Punchitin!
KURTandRAMslamtheirknucklesandthenleanagainstthe
COW,poisedtoshove.HEATHERMCNAMARAmanagesasmilebut
VERONICAglaresitaway.
KURT
Countofthree,guy.
KURTANDRAM
One.Two.Three!
AnO.S.MooandtheJocks'laughterisheardasmudsplashes
againstthemortifiedfacesofVERONICAandHEATHERMCNAMARA.
DEEPERINTHEPASTURELATERINTHENIGHT
KURTstumblesafteramoreannoyedthanscaredVERONICA.
KURT
"WhenIgetthatfeeling,Ineed
sexualhealing....."
VERONICA
Yeah,right,asshole.
VERONICAmakesherwayupahill,pausingtocompassionately
stareatRAMontopofadispiritedHEATHERMCNAMARA.KURT's
intoxicatedbrainhastroubledealingwiththeincline.
Majestically,J.D.appearsatthetopofthehill.KURT
squintsupthehillandfallsoverbackwards.
J.D.
Whatisthisshit?
VERONICA
I'mdoingafavorforHeather.Adoubledate.I
triedtotellyouatthefuneralbutyourodeoff.
KURT
(stillfacedown)
"Feellikemakingbahdadahbahda
dah,feellikemakinglove."
J.D.
AnotherfuckingHeather.
(harshlylaughs)
I'msorry.I'mfeelingkindofsuperior
tonight.Sevenhighschoolsinseven
statesandtheonlythingdifferent
wasmylockercombination.We'vebroke
throughthepeerpressurecooker.So
whatifwehadtokillMissPopularity..
VERONICAclumsilyhighheelsitupthehill.
VERONICA
Sowhat?Don'tsmilelikethat,Jesus!
J.D.
OurloveisGod.Let'sgetaSlurpee.
J.D.solemnlyreachestowardVERONICA.She,lesssolemn,
takeshishand.Theirbodiesdisappearoverthehill.
KURT
"Andshe'sbuyingthestairwaytoheaven.."
INT.NEWSPAPER/YEARBOOKWORKSHOPDAY
Inaclutteredschoolworkshop,EditorDENNISandYEARBOOKGIRL
ALISONconferoveralayoutsheet.Alisonwearsawalkmanand
BIGFUNTshirt.PETERDAWSONpoutsbehindthem.
DENNIS
I'mnotbelittlingtheFoodlessFund,
Peter,butwe'retalkingteensuicide!
AskAlisonhere,thenumberonesong
rightnowis"TeenageSuicide(Don'tDo
It)"byBigFun.Jesusman,Westerburg
finallygotoneofthesethingsandI'm
notgoingtoblowit.
PETER
Great.HeathergetstheheadlineandI
getcrammedinbytheTacoBellcoupon.
VERONICAbreezesin.
VERONICA
HiGuys.Icametocheckonthis
week'slunchtimepolltopic.
DENNIS
Don'tworryaboutit,Veronica,
sitdown.Thatfuneralyesterday
musthavebeenreallyrough.
VERONICA
Oh.Sure.
DENNIS
Wewere,uh,wonderingifmaybeyou
hadsomepoemsorartworkthat
Heatherdidthatwecouldputin
theHeatherChandleryearbookspread?
VERONICA
Thewhat?
DENNIS
Takealook.We'llhaveatwopage
layoutwithhersuicidenoteup
hereintherighthandcorner.It's
moretastefulthanitsounds.
CountryClubCOURTNEYandCOURTNEY'SFRIENDcomeingiggling
andwhispering.SeeingVERONICA,theystopdead,thenslide
intochairs,laughingsoftly.
VERONICA
Idon'tknow.Thisthingleavesa
badtasteinmymouth.
COURTNEY
Likelastnight,Veronica?
COURTNEYandCOURTNEY'SFRIENDexplodeinlaughter.
VERONICA
I'msorry?Idon'tgetit.
COURTNEY
Youdidlastnight.Kurttoldusof
yourlittledate.
VERONICA
Yeah.And?Ilefthimdrunkand
flailingincowshit.
COURTNEY
Idon'tknow.Hewasreallydetailed.
PETER
Shutup,Courtney.
VERONICA
Don'tshutup.I'dliketoknowjust
whatIdid.
PETER
(gesturingtothedoor)
Letmeshowyouthatlunchtime
polltopic,Veronica.
INT.HALLWAYOUTSIDEWORKSHOPDAY
PETERtellsVERONICA.
PETER
IrarelylistentoNeanderthalslike
KurtKellybuuthesaidyouwere
bentoverlikeacoffeetablewith
KurtgoinginoneendandRamcoming
intheother.Pardonthepun.
VERONICA
(dazed)
Pardonthepun.Sonofabitch.
Dizzy,VERONICAhandsaclumpofdollarbillstoPETER.
VERONICA
ThanksPete,fortheFoodlessFund.
PETERcheerfullypocketsthecashasVERONICAdriftsoff.
VERONICAarousinglyspeaksintoherphone.
VERONICA
Hi,Kurt?ThisisVeronicaSawyer.I
didn'texpecttobecallingeither.I
guessmyemotionstookover.Iwas
wonderingifyouwantedallthose
thingsyou'vebeensayingtoreally
happen.It'salwaysbeenafantasyof
minetohavetwoguysatonce......
Sure,youcanwritePenthouseForum.
Revealedtobeloungingonherbed,J.D.laughsoutloud.
VERONICAthrowsabookathim.
VERONICA
That'sright.Inthewoodsbehindthe
school.AtDawn.Anddon'tforgetRam.
INT.THEKELLYKITCHENNIGHT
KURThangsupwithanamazedexpressiononhisface.
KURT
Women.
VERONICAandJ.D.loadgunsonVERONICA'sbed.VERONICAbreaks
intoalaugh.
VERONICA
Idon'tgetthepointofmewriting
asuicidenotewhenwe'lljustbe
shootingthemwithblanks.
J.D.
Getcrucial.Wewon'tbeusing
blanksthistime.
VERONICA
Youcan'tbeserious?Heylisten,
myBonnieandClydedaysareover.
VERONICAdropsherguninrevulsionandlaunchesoffherbed.
Withapatientsmile,J.D.pullsherbackdown.
J.D.
DoyoutakeGerman?
VERONICA
French.
J.D.flicksopenhisgunandpullsabulletfromthechamber.
J.D.
TheseareIchLugebullets.My
grandfathersnaredashitloadof
theminW.W.Two.They'relike
tranquilizersonlytheybreakthe
surfaceoftheskin,enoughto
causeblood,butnotanyrealharm.
VERONICA
Soitlooksliketheperson'sbeen
shotandkilledwhenthey'rereally
justunconsciousandbleeding.
J.D.nodsthenstandstopacetheroom,hismindwhirring.
J.D.
WeshootKurtandRam.Makeitlook
liketheyshoteachother.Bythetime
KurtandRamregainconsciousness,
they'llbethelaughingstock'softhe
school.Thenote'sthepunchline.
How'ditturnout?
VERONICAclumsilyextractsthenotefromherpurse.Shealso
plucksoutthecrumpledyellowsampleofKurt'shandwritingof
theopeningnoteforgescene.Sheproudlydisplaysboth
papers.
VERONICA
Firsttellmethissimilarityis
notincredible.
J.D.
(warmly)
Incrediblesimilarity.
VERONICApullsbackthenoteandreads.
VERONICA
RamandIdiedthedaywerealized
wecouldneverrevealourforbidden
lovetoanuncaringandununderstanding
world.Thejoywesharedineachother's
armswasgreaterthananytouchdown.Yet
wewereforcedtolivethelieofSexist
BeerGuzzlingJockAsshole.
J.D.
Exquisite,butIdon'tthink
ununderstandingisaword.
VERONICA
Wedon'twanttomakethemouttobe
toosecretlyeloquent.Whywouldthe
Germansinventabulletthatdoesn't
killpeople?ImeanitwasWorldWar
Two,notaschoolplay.
J.D.
(rapidfire)
Theyusedthemonthemselvesto
makeitlookliketheyweredead.
Reallyquiteabrilliantdevice,but
tooflamboyanttoseriouslyproduce.
VERONICA
Neat.Let'stryitoutonJ.F.K.
VERONICAswiftlypicksuphergunandaimsitatthelovable
tabbyenteringtheroom.J.D.ripsitawayfromher.
J.D.
Itdoesn'tworkonsmallanimals!
VERONICA
Oh.
J.D.
Uhwellhey,let'stakealookatthe
homosexualartifactsIduguptoplant
atthescene.Nowpreparetobea
littledisappointed.
J.D.liftsupafeminineshoppingbagandgentlydumpsthe
contentsonthebed.
J.D.
We'vegotanissueofStudPuppy,a
candydish,aJoanCrawfordpostcard,
andsomemascara.
VERONICA
Youmusthavehadfun.
J.D.
Youknowit.Ohman,Ialmostforgot.
TheoneperfectothingIpickedup...
J.D.reachesinbothhiscoatpocketsandtriumphantlyraises
outtwobottlesofPerrierwater.
J.D.
Perrierwater!
VERONICA
Ohcomeon.Lotsofpeopledrink
Perrier.It'scomealongway.
J.D.
ThisisOhio.Ifyoudon'thavea
brewskyinyourhandyoumightas
wellbewearingadress.
VERONICA
(mockseductively)
Oh,you'resosmart.Howabouta
littleheterosexualitybeforewego?
J.D.laughsthenclimbsontoVERONICAforahuggingkiss.
EXT.SCHOOLPARKINGLOTDAWN
AtenseKURTandanexcitedRAM,playingairguitar,walk
throughthemistyparkinglottowardthewoods.
RAM
(singing)
SexandDrugsandHBOisallIever
need!Whoa!Canyouhearme!Hello
Tokyo!IsaidSexandDrugsand...
KURT
Shutthefuckup,allright.
RAM
Lightenup,dude.Inthosewoodsis
someofthefinestpussyintheschool
andwedon'tevenhavetobuyita
hamburgerandaDietCoke.Whataway
tostarttheday!Punchitin!
KURTfeeblyslamsknuckleswithRAM.
EXT.CLEARINGINTHEWOODSDAWN
VEONICAstandsinthemiddleofaclearinginthewoods.She
nervouslytuckstheguninthebackofherdressasKURTand
RAMemergeintotheclearingfromapathinthewoods.
KURT
HiVeronica.
VERONICA
(forcedcheerfulness)
HiGuys.Gladyoucouldmakeit.
RAMsmackshishandstogether.
RAM
Sodowejuststartfucking?
VERONICA
I'vemadeacircleoneachendof
theclearing.Ram,youcomeoverhere.
KURTstepsintothescratchedinthedirtcirclenexttohim.
AconfusedRAMwalkspastVERONICAandstepsintoacircleat
theoppositeendofthefoggyclearing.
VERONICA
Theguyspause,thenslowlystarttakingofftheirclothes.
RAM
Whataboutyou?
VERONICA
Iwashopingyou'dripmyclothes
offme,sport.
RAM
Oh.Goodidea.
KURTandRAMawkwardlystandatoppositeendsintheirundies.
VERONICA
Countofthree,guys.
RAMgigglesinanticipation.
VERONICA
One.
KURTfinallycracksasmile.
VERONICA
Two.
J.D.suddenlymovesnexttoVERONICAholdingaguninhis
righthandandthefeminineshoppingbaginhisleft.
J.D.
Three.
J.D.almostnonchalantlyshootsRAMintheforehead.VERONICA
ripsouthergunandswingsittowardKURT.Usingbothhands,
shefires,butmissescompletely.KURTrunsawayontothe
path.VERONICAthrowsdownhergunwithasmile.
VERONICA
Shucks.
J.D.racestoVERONICAinawhitesweat.
J.D.
Didyoumisshimcompletely?
VERONICA
(giggling)
Yeah,butdon'tworry,itwasworth
itjusttoseethelookon....
J.D.
Don'tmove!I'llgethimback!
VERONICA'slaughtercutsofflikeafaucet.Suddenlytrembling
andconfused,shewatchesJ.D.boltintothewoods.
THEPATH
ApanickedKURTrunsonthepaththroughthewoods.
OFFTHEPATH
J.D.,withacoldefficiency,weavesthroughtreesandfog.
THECLEARING
VERONICAturnstowardRam'scollapsedbody.
THEPATH
KURTseestheopeningattheendofthewoods.J.D.suddenly
movesintotheopeningandraiseshisgun.KURTrunsback...
THECLEARING
VERONICAapproachesRam'sbodywithincreasingshivers.He
doesnotlookbleedingandunconscious.Helooksbleedingand
dead,dead,dead.
KURTbarrelsintotheclearingasJ.D.howlsfromthewoods.
J.D.
Now!
Inaburstoffrightened,animalinstinct,VERONICAwhips
aroundandfireshergunrightintoKURT'schest.
INT.SQUADCARINSCHOOLPARKINGLOTDAWN
Twocops,MILNERandMcCORD,smokemarijuanainasquadcar
alreadyfilledwithsmoke.Afteracoughingfit,MILNER
shouts.
MILNER
Ihearditthattime!
McCORD
Wha?
MILNER
Anothergunshot!Fromthewoods!
McCORD
Shit,let'sroll.
Thetwoofficerexplodeoutofthecar.
EXT.THECLEARINGDAWN
J.D.putshisguninRAM'srighthandwhileVERONICA
zombiesquelydoesthesamewithKURTandhergun.
VERONICA
Kurtdoesn'tlooktoogood.
J.D.
Rememberhe'slefthanded.
AquiveringVERONICAputstheguninKURT'slefthand.
MILNER(O.S.)
Keepgoinguntilyouhittheclearing!
J.D.'sheadsnapsforward.HeyanksupVERONICA.Theybothrun
intothewoodsbehindRAM'sbodyasthetwoCopschargeintothe
clearing,gunsraised.SeeingtheJocks,theystop.
McCORD
MotherofShit!
MILNER
Callin!
MILNERlookstowardwhereVERONICAandJ.D.ranout.
MILNER
Iheardsomethingoutthere.I'm
checkingitout.
MILNERrunsoffasMcCORDshoutsintoawalkietalkie.Heis
holdingthepulseofKURTKELLY.
McCORD
ThisisOfficerMcCordandI'vegot
twodeadbodiesinthewoodsbehind
WesterburgHigh.OhmyGod,oneof
them'sKurtKelly,thequarterback.
EXT.INTHEWOODSDAWN
VERONICAandJ.D.flowthroughthicktrees.AnOwlhoos.
EXT.ANOTHERPARTOFTHEWOODSDAWN
MILNERblindlybarrelsthroughthedense,foggywoods.
EXT.JUSTOUTSIDETHEWOODSDAWN
VERONICAandJ.D.comeoutofthewoodsandraceupadew
drenchedhilltowardVERONICA'scarwhichisparkedontop.
J.D.
Faster!
EXT.INTHEWOODSDAWN
MILNERisjoltedbyanOWLHOO,thencontinuesmoving.
EXT.THEHILLDAWN
VERONICAandJ.D.reachthecar,panting.
MILNERracesoutofthewoodsjustasVERONICAandJ.D.slam
thecardoorsclosedbehindthem.MILNERhuffsupthehill.
INT.THESAWYERCARDAWN
VERONICAandJ.D.somersaultintothebackseatandbegin
takingofftheirclothes.
EXT.THEHILLDAWN
MILNERcontinuestomoveupthehill.
VERONICAandJ.D.,strippeddowntotheirunderwear,embrace.
EXT.OUTSIDETHECARDAWN
MILNERapproachesthecarandpeersin.Hiscracklingwalkie
talkiestartleshim.
McCORD(O.S./walkietalkie)
Milner,canyouhearme?What'sgoingdown?
MILNERmovesawayfromthecar,thenspeaksintohiswalkie
talkie.
MILNER
ThinkwhatIheardwasjusta
stinkingowl.AllIgotistwokids
makingoutinthebackseatofa
car.ShouldIprythemapart?
McCORD(O.S./walkietalkie)
Forgetit.Igotalltheanswers
backhere,partner.Boy,kidstoday
surestartinearly.Hey,aretheynaked?
MILNERsighs,andclicksoffhiswalkietalkie.
Seeingthecopmoveaway.VERONICAandJ.D.stopkissing.They
catchtheirbreath,smile,thencontinuepassionatelynecking.
EXT.THECLEARINGDAWN
MILNERrunsbackintotheclearing.
MILNER
What'sthedeal?
McCORD
Suicide.DoubleSuicide.Theyshot
eachother.
MILNER
That'sKurtKelly!
McCORD
Yeah,andthelinebacker,RamSweeney.
MILNER
OhmyGod,suicide?Why?
McCORD
Doesthisansweryourquestion?
McCORDreachesinthefeminineshoppingbagandpullsoutthe
bottlesofPerrierwater.
MILNER
Ohman,theywerefags!
McCORD
Listenup,"Wecouldneverrevealour
forbiddenlovetoanuncaringand
ununderstandingworld."
MILNER
AhJesusH.Fuck.KurtwasaSherwood
SundayInsertHonorableMention...
MILNERshakeshisheadslowlythensuddenlylooksup.
MILNER
Waitasecond.Howdidtheyshoot
eachotherifweheardtwoseparate
setsofgunshots?
McCORD
IalwaysheargunshotswhenI'mhigh
beforenoon.Life'sacrazybitch.
Don'ttrytoanalyzeit.Thequarterback
buggeringthelinebacker.Whatawaste.
MILNER
Ohthehumanity.
INT.SCHOOLCONFERENCEROOMMORNING
Anothermorningmourningconference.Theparticipantslooka
littlemorefrazzled.PAULINEsitsattheheadofthetable.
COUNSELORHYDE
(sottovocetoMrs.Pope)
Aftereverytouchdownorwhatever,
theygiveeachotheralittleslap
onthebottom.Itseemsinnocent...
PAULINE(O.S.)
Shutup.
TheelderlyMRS.POPEshakesherheadatthesuicidenote.
MRS.POPE
Lookatthis."Ununderstanding."
PAULINE
Willyoushutup!Wewereina
similarpositionMondayandI
thoughtfullysuggestedthatweget
thestudentstogetherforan
unadulteratedemotionaloutpouring.
Youtookthesuggestionasan
opportunitytoplayyetanotherround
of"Let'slaughattheHippie."
COUNSELORHYDE
Pauline,ifyouwantatryout
fortheschoolplay....
PRINCIPALGOWANhoarselybreaksin.
PRINCIPALGOWAN
Shutup,Paul.I'veseenalotof
bullshitangeldust,switchblades,
sexuallyperversephotography
exhibitsinvolvingtennisracquets,
butthissuicidething....Iguess
it'sallonPauline'swavelength.
We'rejustgoingtowriteofftoday,
andFridayshecandoherlittle
littleloveinorwhatever.Whatever.
EXT.STUDENTPARKINGLOTMORNING
VERONICA'scaristhelonevehicleinthestudentparkinglot.
Slowlyothercarsbegintofilterin,includingarumblingheap
fulofHeavyMetalers.
INT.THESAWYERCARMORNING
TheHeavyMetalerHeap'sobnoxiousmufflercausesasleeping
VERONICA'seyestosnapopeninbugeyedsweat.Mentally
wounded,sheclimbsintothefrontseat,pullingonher
blazer.Shepressesinthecarcigarettelighter.J.D.
rumblesfromthebackasmorecarsbegintofillthelot.
VERONICA
Wekilledthem,didn'twe?
J.D.
Ofcourse.
VERONICAtugsoutthecarlighterandsavagelybrandsthepalm
ofherhand.J.D.hurdlesintothefrontseatandbatsthe
lighteraway.Helightsacigaretteoffthescorchedfleshof
VERONICA'shandasshewailsaway.
VERONICA
IchLugebullets!I'manidiot!
J.D.dragsonhiscigarette.Schoolbusesarepullingin
outsideoftheparkinglot,infrontoftheschool.
J.D.
Youbelieveditbecauseyouwanted
tobelieveit.Yourtruefeelingswere
toogrossandickyforyoutoface.
VERONICA
Ididnotwantthemdead.
J.D.
Didtoo.
VERONICA
Didnot.
J.D.
Didtoo.
VERONICA
Didnot.
J.D.launchesintoarapidfirerenditionof"didtoo's".
VERONICArespondsbyholdingherhandsoverherearsand
singing"MaryhadaLittleLamb."J.D.'s"Didtoo's"get
loudercausingVERONICAtobangonthehorn.
EXT.PARKINGLOTDAY
HEATHERDUKEandaveggedoutHEATHERMCNAMARAstopsauntering
throughtheparkinglottocontemplateVeronica'shiccuping
caranditssparringoccupants.
HEATHERDUKE
Ah,younglove.
COURTNEYboundsuptotheHeathers.
SQUEELINGGIRL#1
Didyouhear?School'scancelledtoday
becauseKurtandRamkilledthemselvesin
arepressedhomosexualsuicidepact.
HEATHERDUKE
(incredulous,butamused)
Noway!
INT.THESAWYERCARDAY
J.D.pullsVERONICAoffthehornandwarmlyplacesanunlit
cigaretteinhermouth.Ashespeaks,VERONICAwearilytakes
thecigarettefromhermouthandputsitinherblazerpocket.
J.D.
Footballseason'sover,Veronica.Kurt
andRamhadnothingtooffertheschool
butdaterapesandA.I.D.S.jokes.
VERONICA
(lookingtoherburnthand)
Sure.Canwemakeanicerun
beforethefuneral?
STUDENTSheadbacktotheircarsandtheBusespullbackout.
INT.CHURCHDAY
AtypicallyJohnWaynesqueJock'sFathertype,MR.KELLY,
standsoverhisson'sopencoffin.KURTwearsablackfootball
helmet.FATHERRIPPERwatchesonwithvariousADULTS,
STUDENTS.
MR.KELLY
Ifthere'sanywayyoucanhearme,
Kurtbuddy,Idon'tcarethatyou
reallyweresomepansy.You'remy
fleshandblood.Youmademeproud.
Ilovemyhomosexualson.Myson's
gayandIlovehim!
Indarksunglasses,VERONICAwearilyleansovertoJ.D.
VERONICA
Yourson'sdeadandyoulovehim.
J.D.
HowdoyouthinkMr.Kellywould
reacttoasonwithalimpwrist
withapulse?
Theyquietlylaugh.VERONICAseesaLITTLEGIRLstaringat
her.SheiswearingKurt'sfootballjerseyandherfaceis
soakedintears.VERONICA'ssmileturnsintoanauseated
grimace.
INT.VERONICA'SBEDROOMFLOORNIGHT
VERONICAliesnexttoaVodkabottle,drinkingoutofaDixie
cup.Sheturnsoffherblaringradiotospeakonthephone.
D.J.(radio)
Asyouknow,theSherwoodTeenSuicide
toteisuptothree.Here'soneforKurt
andRam,BigFunwithTeenageSuicide,
Don'tDoIt....
VERONICA
HelloJ.D.?No,it'sokay,Ijustkind
ofwantedtotalk...Oh,anewsmagazine
showonChannel16.Really?Onthe
suicides.No,soundsgreat.Bye.
VERONICAhangsupandlookstoherbattereddiarylyingagainst
thewall.Shecrawlstothediaryandthenreaches
uptohernighttabletopulldownhermonocleandapen.
ShesucksacupofVodkaandbeginswriting.
VERONICA(V.O.)
DearDiary,myteenangstbullshit
nowhasabodycount.
Sittingupagainstherbed,VERONICAcontinueswritingas
J.F.K.lapsupVodkafromtheDixiecup.
VERONICA(V.O.)
Themostpopularpeopleintheschool
aredead.Everybody'ssad,butit'sa
goodkindofsad.SuicidegaveHeather
depth,Kurtasoul,Ramabrain.I
gaveJ.D.shitabouttheIchLugething
butwhatreallyfrightensmeisthat
I'mnotfrightenedbywhatJ.D.'lldo
next.It'sGodversusmyboyfriend
andGod'slosing....
VERONICAdropsherheadbackandcloseshereyes,poppingout
hermonocle.Sheswoonsdownagainstthebedontothe
floorandcurlsintoafetalslumber.
INT.THECAFETERIADAY
STUDENTSeatandbuzztogetherintypicalcacophony.Allare
wearingblackarmbands.Ajukeboxroars.
PAULINEFLEMINGandanentourageofSTUDENTSsuchasPETER
DAWSONandtheHEATHERSinvadethecafeteria,headsraisedhigh.
PAULINE
Peter,killthejukebox.
Asthemusicamusinglygrindstoahalt,PAULINEhoistsup
abullhorntoherlipsandcrackles...
PAULINE
CouldIhaveyourattention?
AstartledGeekRODNEYsplattersmilkalloverhimself.
STUDENTSwhiptheirheadsaroundtothefrontofthecafeteria.
MARTHADUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCKwarilylooksupfromherplate.
PAULINEFLEMINGchantswithsoaringselfimportance.
PAULINE
Ourschoolhasbeentornapartby
tragedy.I'mheretodaytofuseit
backtogetherthroughTogetherness.
Iwanteveryonetoclasphands.
Weneedtoconnectthiscafeteria
intoonemightycircuit.
AtableauofdumbfoundedSTUDENTSstareattheBullhornWoman.
INT.HALLWAYOUTSIDEOFCAFETERIASAMETIMEDAY
Hungoverindarksunglasses,VERONICAbustlestowardthe
cafeteriaentranceclingingtoanarmfulofbookswhiletrying
totieablackarmbandontoherself.
INT.THECAFETERIADAY
PAULINE'sEvitaPeronlikecomposureiscrumbling.
PAULINE
Yo,what'stheproblem?Iknowyou
knowhowtoholdhands.Ringaround
therosyapocketfulofposy...Forgetit!
(lookingtoherwatchthenPeter)
Wherearethey?
Herbacktotheviewer,VERONICAentersthecafeteria.HEATHER
DUKEfloatsintoviewandtightlyknotsVERONICA'sarmband.
VERONICA
IseeMs.Phlegm'sonanothercrusade.
Withusualsuccess.
HEATHERDUKE
(lookingtotheviewer)
Ihaveafeelingthisone'llwork.
VERONICAturnstotheviewerandhalfgasps.
TWO2personvideoCAMERACREWSandaSTILLPHOTOGRAPHERburst
intothecafeteriaslightlybatteringtheinthewayVERONICA.
PAULINEsmilesinrelief.Shewieldsaround,liftingthehorn.
PAULINE
Thecamerasarehere!Lockyourpaws!
SlightlyconfusedbutAwesomed,atableofCountryClubKids
includingCOURTNEYstandandlatchouttoeachother.Anearby
tablewithBETTYFINNandfriendsfollowsuit.
VERONICAlooksonwithagrowingsenseofqueasiness.
TheCafeteriaswirlsintoafrenzywithmembersofmore
excitablecliquesliketheJocksandtheHeavyMetalers
jumpingoverandontotablesanxiouslybumblingintohand
holdingconstellations.CAMERACREWSweavebesidethem.
Inacorner,thePHOTOGRAPHERsnapsashotofathumbsup
PETERDAWSONwithhisarmsaroundFEMALESTONERINARMYJACKET.
PAULINErunsaheadofahustlingCAMERACREWandgrabsholdof
achainofhandholdingJocks.Shepullsthechainuntilit
connectsupwithagratefulchainofBETTYFINNS.
AsleepingHEATHERMCNAMARAdrearilyawakenstothehavocaround
her.Shetakesoffherblackarmband,tiesitaroundher
eyes,anddroopsherheadbackdownonatable.
VERONICAletsherbooksslidefromherhands,shakingherhead.
MARTHADUNNSTOCKnervouslylookstoheroutofcontrolpeers.
HEATHERDUKEslylylookstoVERONICAwithan"Ifyoucan't
beatem..."smilethensauntersintothefray.Sheslidesonto
thelapofHeavyMetalerMatt.ThePHOTOGRAPHERsnapsashot.
PAULINEforcesapartthehandholdingHeavyMetalloversJACKIE
andSTEVE,sandwichesDENNISinbetweenthem,andmadlydeparts.
ThePHOTOGRAPHERnowshootsapicofathumbsupPETERDAWSON
withhisarmsaroundanALLOUTNERD.
VERONICAstandsbeforethechaos,backtotheviewer,inmuch
thesamewayHeatherChandlerdidintheopeningscene.
PAULINEandtheGeekSquadlooktoMARTHADUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK.
RODNEY
Imaybeageek,butIhavemypride.
PAULINE
Gotcha...CouldIgetsomeStoners
overhereplease!
Frightenedandflustered,MARTHADUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCKquakes
foramomentthencrawlsunderneathhertable.
AlastpanoramicviewofthehustlingCAMERACREWSamidthe
panderinglyanarchicSTUDENTSunfolds.
VERONICAsuddenlyfindsherselfflankedbyJ.D.Theexiting
CAMERACREWSflowpastthem.
J.D.
Wasitasgoodforyouasitwasforme?
AdumbfoundedVERONICAwatchesPAULINEandPETERapproach.
PETER
I'mgonnaneedaVHScopyofallthisby
MondayformyPrincetonapplication.
PAULINE
(lookingtoVeronica)
Veronica,thereyouare!Wasn'titFab?
I'veputpeerpressureouttopasture!
VERONICA
Ohcomeon,Pauline.Whathappens
tomorrow,whenthecamerasaren'there?
Astheyargue,J.D.looksoutandseesMARTHAbobupfrom
beneathhertablethendartbackunder.Heamblesaway....
PAULINE
Whyareyoudissingme,Veronica?I'm
tryingtoredefinethehighschool
experience.....
VERONICA
You'reignoringthehighschool
experience.Peoplearedeadandall
youcanthinktodoiswhipupsome
warpedPityParty.Ifwe'regoingto
everbuildrespectforeachother,
it'sgottabesomething...something
real.Wecan'tbetrickedintoit.
BackmeupJ.D...J.D.?
PAULINE
(movingoff)
Let'sgoPeter,somepeoplearejust
unwillingtosharethepain....
MARTHAslithersfromunderthetableupintoherseat,and
headdown,triestofinishoffabowlofsoup.Sheslowlylooks
upandfreezes.J.D.isrevealedtobeseatedacrossfromher,
behindhisRebelWithoutaCauselunchbox.Hesmileswarmly.
J.D.
Greetingsandsalutations.
INT.J.D.'SLIVINGROOMNIGHT
VERONICArestlesslyrocksonacouchwithincreasingly
unguardedannoyance.Excitedlyinsensitivetoherwords,J.D.
spinsthetunerofhisradio,headphonespressedtooneear.
VERONICA
Thatthingthisafternoon...I'mso
angry!Itwaslike"Boy,isn'tdeath
fun!""Gee,Iwonderwho'lldienext!"
"I'llbetwegetfourcameracrews
nexttime."Itwaschaos.Fuckingchaos.
J.D.giddilypivotsaround,tearingtheheadphonesfromthe
radioandcausingablastofstatictoaccompanyhiswords.
J.D.
Whatareyoutalkingabout?Today
wasgreat.Chaosisgreat.Chaosis
whatkilledthedinosaurs,darling,
andit'swhat'sgoingtomake
Westerburgapurifiedplacetoget
aneducation.Faceit,ourwayis
theway.Wescarepeopleintonot
beingassholes.
VERONICA
(atickingtimebomb)
Ourwayisnotourway.
J.D.
Tellthattothejudge;"Yourhonor,
IwasledtobelievetherewereIch
Lugebulletsinthegun."Tellitto
KurtKelly!"Don'tshoot,Veronica,
I'mthequarterback."
J.D.goesintoaSonnyCorleoneattheTurnpikeimitation.
VERONICAthrowsthefirstthingshecangetherhandson,a
framedpictureofawoman,atthevibratingJ.D.
VERONICA
I'mtellingittoyou!You!Nothing
goodcancomefromsuicide,frommurder,
fromdeath.Nothing!Nothingexceptmore
deathandshitlikethatfeedingfrenzy
thisafternoon....Geez,whatamI..who...
Unnaah!Youcanbesoimmature!
J.D.
(lookingoff)
Youkidsaremakingtoomuchdamnnoise.
BIGBUDDEANisrevealedtobestandinginthefrontdoorway,
holdingachestexerciserandwavingavideocassette.
BIGBUDDEAN
Webeatthebitches.
VERONICA
(mumbling)
Ohbeautiful.TheBeaver'shome.
BIGBUDDEAN
Judgetoldemtoslurpshitanddie.
BIGBUDmovestotheEntertainmentconsole,turnsoffthe
radioandturnsontheV.C.R.Hecramsthecassetteinand
heftsuphischestexerciser.Hebeginspumpingawayasthe
imageofashabbybuildingappearsonthemassiveT.V.
BIGBUDDEAN
IputaNorwegianintheboilerroom.
Masterful.Whenthatblew,itsetoff
apackofthermalsI'dstuckupstairs.
Thebuildingblowsup.BIGBUDcackles.J.D.politely
applauds.BUDpopsoutthevideocassetteandbouncesaway.
BIGBUDDEAN
It'sgreattobealive!
VERONICA
Doyoulikeyourfather?
J.D.
Nevergiventhemattermuchthought.
Likedmymother.
J.D.picksuptheframedpicturethatVeronicathrew.
J.D.
Theysaidherdeathwasanaccident.
Butsheknewwhentheexplosiveswere
settogooff.Sheknew...
VERONICAslowlysitsdownnexttoJ.D.withdazedconcern.
VERONICA
Insomesickway,weuncloggedthe
sinusesoftheschool.Butifwe're
goingtokeeptheschoolhealthy,it's
gottabethroughsomethinghavingto
dowithlife,notdeath.
J.D.
Whoa,MetaphorTennisanyone?Tellme,
ifyouputaNaziinaconcentration
camp,doesthatmakeyouaNazi?
VERONICA
Maybe.
J.D.exhalesinfrustrationbeforeboundingupfromthecouch
toturnbackontheradio.
D.J.(Radio)
Dudes,ifIgetonemorerequestfor
thatBigFunsongI'mgoingto
committsuicide.Hereitis......
J.D.
(malevolently)
They'replayingoursong....
Asthe"song"kicksin(abunchofguysshoutingoveradrum
machine),J.D.seductivelymovestowardVERONICA,semilip
syncingit.Asaseethinglyangrybutnotunaroused
VERONICAwatches,J.D.slithersontothecouch.
BIGFUN(Radio)
TIMESAREMEANFORATEENWEKNOW!
PARENTSIGNORE,TEACHERSBOREWEKNOW!
BUTTHERE'SMORETHANONEWAYTOGO!
TEENAGESUICIDE;DON'TDOIT!
J.D.stopshisseductionandripsoutagun.Hegiddilyfires
intotheradio,destroyingit.
VERONICA
That'sit,we'rebreakingup.
J.D.
Whaaat?
J.D.playfullytacklesthefleeingVERONICA.Thiscalmsrather
thanangers.Sheturnsonherback.J.D.followssuit.
J.D.
Youcan'tbringthemback.You
mustknowthat.
VERONICA
I'mnottryingto"bringback"
anybody...exceptmaybemyself.
VERONICAsighs,thenrollsoverintoacrawlingpositionand
eventuallyintoawalkingoutthedoorposition.
VERONICA
TothinktherewasatimewhenI
thoughtyouwerecool.Ifyoucan't
dealwithmenow,juststayhomeand
shootyourT.V.,blowawayacouple
toastersorsomething.Justdon'tcome
toschoolanddon'tmesswithme.
J.D.
You'llbeback!
J.D.slowlysitsupandwithbothhands,putshisguninhis
mouth.Hepauses,letsgoofthegun,andthenbitingdownon
thebarrelofthegun,J.D.proceedstobroodinglytiehis
shoes.
INT.EMPTYCLASSROOMDAY
J.D.movestoanemptyrowofdesks.Heturnsthefirstdesk
astofacethesecond.HEATHERDUKEwarilylowersherselfinto
theseconddeskasJ.D.flopsamanillaenvelopeontoit.
HEATHERDUKEopenstheenvelopeandpullsoutastackof8x10's.
ThefirstshotshowsaYOUNGHEATHERDUKEinasummercamp
uniformthatvibrantlyreadsHEATHER,Sheisholdingoneend
ofalargeposterboarddrawingoftwoEskimosrubbingnoses.
Holdingtheotherend,inasummercampuniformvibrantly
readingMARTHA,isaYOUNGMARTHADUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK.
HEATHERDUKE
Whatthe.....
Withaharshlaugh,shetakesinthenextphotograph.Ithas
YOUNGHEATHERDUKEandYOUNGMARTHAeatingtoasted
marshmallowsoffeachother'ssticks.
HEATHERDUKE
(queasilyintrigued)
Wheredidyougetthese?
J.D.
Oh,Ijusthadthenicestchatwith
Ms.Dumptruck.Gotalongfamously!It's
scaryhoweveryone'sgotastoryto
tell....Wouldyoucaretoseethe
canoeingshots?
HEATHERDUKE
Whatisthis?Blackmail?Sowhat.I
oncesharedabunkwiththebiggest
loserinthestate.I'mnotrunning
forpresident....
(narrowinghereyesatthephotos)
I'llgiveyouaweek'slunchmoney.
J.D.
Idon'twantyourmoney,Iwantyour
strength.Westerburgdoesn'tneed
mushytogetherness,itneedsaleader.
HeatherChandlerwasthatleaderbut...
HEATHERDUKE
Butshecouldn'thandleit.
J.D.laughs.She'sontheball.
J.D.
Ithinkyoucan.InCatcherintheRye
Holdensayshisidealjob'dbemaking
suresomekidsdon'tfalloffacliff.
Hedoesn'trealizeifyoupaytoomuch
attentiontothekids,you'llbackoff
thecliffyourself.
HEATHERDUKE
Veryvery.Thephotographs?
J.D.
Don'tworry.I'llaskyoutodoafavour,
oneyou'llenjoy.You'llgetthe
negativesandeverythingbackthen.
J.D.launchesawayfromhisdeskwithagrin.Heplacesa
redribbononHEATHERDUKE'sdesk.
J.D.
Inthemeantime,strength,Andhey,
there'salittlegift.
INT.THEGIRLSBATHROOMDAY
AspookedHEATHERDUKEsplasheswateronherfaceandlooksup
intothemirror.Inatrance,shepullsherhairbackHeather
ChandlerfashionandtiesitwiththeribbonJ.D.gaveher.
ABETTYFINNALIKEmovesuptothesinkbesideher.TwoCHIC
BABESenterthebathroomwithpoutingexpressions.Seemingly
inatrance,HEATHERDUKEbendsoverandwipesoffherwethands
usingtheobliviousBETTYFINNALIKE'sdress.HEATHERDUKE
winkstothenowgigglingCHICBABESandsauntersoff.
INT.HALLWAYDAY
HEATHERDUKEburststhroughthebathroomdoortowickedly
strutdownthehall.Shescowls/smilesinperfectHeather
Chandlerfashiontovariouspassersby.
ANOTHERHALLWAYDAY
Disoriented,VERONICAsomnambulatesdownthehall.Shesuddenly
brakesamidtheflowofStudenttraffictostareatalocker.
ThelockerwearsaPOLICELINEDONOTCROSSsticker.VERONICA
pullsoutaSchoolSpiritClubI.D.Cardandmovestothelocker.
Withthecard,shewranglesthelockeropen.Itcontainsa
coat,recognizablyHeatherChandler's.Ontheinsidedoorisa
sizablemirror,acutelittle"HEATHER"licenseplate,an
AlexanderHaigForPresidentsticker,andapictureofVERONICA
andtheHEATHERSallwearingsunglassesandactingtough.
VERONICAzeroesinonathreeframePhotoBoothpicture.In
thefirstframe,VERONICAandHEATHERCHANDLERstare
stonefaced.Inthesecondframe,thetwogirlsarescreaming
atthetopoftheirlungs.Inthethirdframe,theyhave
returnedtoastonefacedstate.VERONICAtouchesthepicture
withaquiveringsmileastwohandsflaparoundhereyes.
HEATHERDUKE
Guesswho?
VERONICA
Heather.
VERONICAturnsaround,stunned.TheHeatherChandleresque
HEATHERDUKEcanbeseeninthelockermirror.VERONICA
violentlypushesHEATHERDUKEawayandstormsoff.
HEATHERDUKEpeersintheopenlocker.Apairofredearrings
flashoutather.Bitingherlip,shereachesforthem.
Lyingonthefloor,VERONICAconcentratesonherphone.With
adeepsigh,shepushbuttonsoutanumber.Shepauses,then...
VERONICA
Ouch.Yourmachine'sgotthemost
obnoxiousbeep.Heather,I'msorry.
INT.HEATHERDUKE'SBEDROOMNIGHT
VERONICA'svoicedronesthroughHEATHERDUKE'sansweringmachine.
VERONICA(O.S./machine)
I'mjustcallingtosayyoucan
wearyourhairanywayyouwantto.
AMalehandpicksupthephone.It'sCollegeboyDAVID.
DAVID
HeyVeronicaSawyer,barfon
anybody'scarpetlately?
VERONICAcringes.
VERONICA
IsthisDavid?Heather'sDavid?
Whatareyoudoing....
DAVID
WhatcanIsay?Iwasprettybroken
upbyHeatherC.'ssuicide.Ineeded
somebodysupersensitivelikeHeatherD.
VERONICA
I'mdeliriousforthebothofyou.
CanyouputHeatheron?
DAVIDproudlylooksdownoffscreentohislap.
DAVID
Shecan'treallytalkrightnow.
VERONICAslamsdownthereceiverandpullsupasleekleather
addressbook.Sheseverelyscansthroughit.Tossingitaway,
VERONICAthendescendsintothesundryjunkofhernight
tabledraweranddrawsupanotheraddressbook.
Thisoneisfrayedandpinkpolkadotted.Sheperusesitand
dials.....
VERONICA
Hello,Betty.....
EXT.SAWYERBACKYARDLATEAFTERNOON
BETTYFINNhitsherballthroughawicketandsquealsin
delight.VERONICAhasamotherlysmileonherface.
BETTY
Idon'tbelieveit.I'mwinning.
VERONICA
Don'tgetcocky,girl.
BETTYbendsdowntoshootthenraisesherbodybackup.
BETTY
Imissedyou.IknowI'mnotas,as
excitingasyourotherfriends.
VERONICA
That'sbullshit.Justshoot.
BETTYonceagainbendsandraises.
BETTY
Ronnie,I'mstillavirgin.Ifrench
kissedAlSpringeroncebuthe...
VERONICA
(warmly)
Shoot.
BETTYfinallyshoots.Feebly.
VERONICA
Betty,yourdaydreamsarealot
betterthanmyrealities,believe
me.I'mafraidthoughit'stimetodie.
BETTY
Ronnie!
VEONCIAgigglinglyshoots,butmissesthewicket.Andinstead
hitsBETTY'sball.Disturbedbythesuddendilemma,she
determinedlywalkstoherballandmovesitawayfromBETTY's.
BETTY
Hey,you'renotsettlingforthetwoshots
areyou?Knockmeoutgirl.It'stheonlyway.
VERONICA
It'snotmystyle,okay?
BETTY
Niceguysfinishlast.Ishouldknow.
VERONICAsighsthenknocksBETTY'sadjacentballsailing
towardtheporchandastatuesqueEarringwearingHEATHER
DUKE,whodoesnotbudgeastheballwhizzespasther.
HEATHERDUKE
Bravo!
BETTYFINN
(nervously)
I'vegottogetgoing,Veronica.
VERONICA
Sure.
HEATHERDUKEwalkstowardthegirlsfollowedbyameandering
desultoryHEATHERMCNAMARA,whopicksupagreenmalletand
fragilelyswingsit;herearlyrobustnessaforgottenmemory.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
Croquetwon'tbethesamewithoutHeather.
HEATHERDUKE
(condescendinglytothepassingBetty)
OhBetty,leavingsosoon...HEY,I'MRED!
LATERINTHEGAME
Redballunderfoot,HEATHERDUKEsavagely"sends"HEATHER
MCNAMARA'sgreenballintotheflowerbed.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
Shit.
HEATHERDUKE
Youknowwhatreallybites;whenpeople
watchthatcafeteriastuffonTVandsee
allthoseGeeksandMetalheadsjumping
around,they'regoingtothinkUncool
istheRuleatWesterburg.....Damn!
HEATHERDUKE'sshotswerveswideofthewicket.
VERONICA
You'resopolluted.Talkingdownto
people,makingfakenotes....
VERONICAblowshershot.
HEATHERDUKE
Idon'tseewhatgivesyoutheright
tolecture,Ronnie.Youwere
soulmateswithBettyFinnuntilyou
realizedyou'rethecoverof
Seventeenmagazineandshe'sthe
beforehalfofaScarsdaleDietad.
HEATHERDUKEbashesherballintoVERONICA'sandprepares
tosendit.
HEATHERDUKE
Somepeoplejustdon'tmatter.Why
shouldthosewhodocarrytheir
weight?AmIright?
AsHEATHERDUKEswingsdownhermallet,VERONICAstepsonher
ownball.WhenHEATHERDUKE'smalletmakescontact,thetwo
ballsslamagainsteachother,unmoving,withaloudsmack.
VERONICA
No,you'rewrong.It'snoteven
yourturn.
ThedepressedanddisorientedHEATHERMCNAMARA,laying
againstatree,pipesin.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
She'sright.....Boy,croquet'snot
thesamewithoutHeather.
HEATHERDUKE
(shakingoutherwrist)
Idon'tknowwhatyourdamageis
Veronica,butmeandHeatherare
goingtowalkovertotheMall.
Maybebythetimeweheadback,
yourtampon'llbeflushed.
AsHEATHERDUKEandHEATHERMCNAMARAmeanderoutthebackof
theyard,anannoyedVERONICArevolvesbacktowardthehouse
toseeJ.D.sittingcomfortablyatthepatiotablewitha
drink.
VERONICA
Christ,doesn'tanybodyknock?
J.D.
MummyandDaddyletmein.SoI'ma
darkhorse,huh?Youmakemeblush...
VERONICAreachesthepatio,gentlyswinginghercroquetmallet,
excitedwiththethoughtthatJ.D.hascometochangehisways.
VERONICA
Didyoucometotellmesomething?
Somethingnice.Remotelyapologetic.
J.D.
(oblivious)
HowaboutthatHeatherDuke,huh?I
sayit'sabouttimewegotdownto
doingwhatwedobest.
VERONICA
(angrilyblowingupatherbangs)
Justfinishyourdrinkandgetout.
VERONICAstormstothepatiodoor.
INT.GYMDUSK
WearingaBigFunTshirt,MARTHADUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCKsitsin
thebleachersglumlysippingoutofacupofCoke.Cheersand
shoutscanbeheardboomingaroundher.
Assheplacesthecupdownbesideher,itisrevealedMARTHA
iscompletelyaloneinthegym;theothersbeingsadworkings
ofherembattledimagination.
Sheliftsthecupbackuptohermouthbuttheplasticlid
popsoffandagushofCokesplashesontoherBigFunTshirt.
INT.THESAWYERLIVINGROOMDUSK
Withhercroquetmallet,VERONICAcomesintoherhouse,
slidingthepatiodoorclosed.MOMandDADarewatchinga
videoimageofPAULINEFLEMINGatacafeteriatable.
MOM
Jason'skindacuteforadarkhorse.
PAULINE(T.V.)
TheWesterburgSuicidesweretoughon
allofus,butwesharedthepainof
losingthreeverypopularsouls.
DAD
Idon'tknowaboutthatcoathewas
wearingthough.Hey,isn'tthatthe
flakewemetatOpenHouse.
AzombieVERONICAfloatspastherparentstostareattheT.V.
PAULINE(T.V.)
Icameintothecafeteriaand
askedthemtoholdhands.The
responsewasimmediate.
FootageofthefrenziedhandholdingStudentsunfoldsuponthe
screenwithnoevidenceofthecalculationbehindit.
PAULINE'ssanctimoniouslydulcettonesgoovertheimage.
PAULINE(V.O./T.V.)
Mymerewordsliberatedthestudents,
causingthemtoopentheirpetalsand
revealtheirhopesandfears.Bya
strokeofluck,T.V.cameraswere
fortunateenoughtohappentobeon
handtocapturethisspontaneous,
naturalemotionaloutpouringofemotion.
VERONICA
Happenedtobeonhand....spontaneous
naturalemotionaloutpouring!
VERONICAclamsupinangerasherparentsbabble.
DAD
Lookthere'sHeather.
MOM
Andthere'sHeather.Whereare
you,Veronica?
ThevideoimageofPAULINEatacafeteriatablereturns.
PAULINE(T.V.)
Whethertocommitsuicideisthemost
importantdecisionateenagerhasto
make.Withsupervisionfrompeoplelike
myself,wecanhelpyoungpeoplemake
therightdecision.
Withhercroquet,VERONICAslamstheon/offButtonand
turnstoherparents.
VERONICA
I'mrighthere.
EXT.OUTSIDEOFTHESCHOOLDUSK
MARTHAtrudgesoutsideoftheschool,thecokestainstill
grotesquelyencrustedtoherBigFunTshirt.Shepinsan
illegibleexceptforthewordsDEARWESTERBURGnoteontoher
shirt,overthestain.Shecontinuesmovingtowardastreet
ofpassingcars.
INT.SAWYERFAMILY/T.V.ROOMDUSK/NIGHT
TheSawyerfamilyisonfire.VERONICAyanksthetelevision
cordfromitssocket.
MOM
Turnthatbackon!
VERONICA
Can'tyousee,theselittleprograms
eatupsuicidewithaspoon.Theymake
itseemlikeacoolthingtodo.
DAD
Ifwe'renotgoingtowatchthat
program,canIputonthegame?
VERONICA
Heykids,makeyourparentsand
teachersfeellikeshit!Getthe
respectindeathyou'llneverget
inlife!
MOM
Areyoutryingtotellmeitisnot
atroubledtimeforthenation'syouth?
Getupoffthefloor,yourdressis
gettingfilthy.
VERONICA
Everybodycaresaboutyouth,notthe
individual.Allwewantistobetreated
likehumanbeings,notlikeguineapigs
tobeexperimentedonandnotlike
bunnyrabbitstobepatronized.
DAD
Idonotpatronizebunnyrabbits.
MOM
Treatedlikehumanbeings?Isthat
whatyousaidlittleMissVoiceof
aGeneration?Justhowdoyouthink
adultsactwithotheradults?You
thinkit'salljustDoublesTennis.
Adultscanbehorribletootheradults.
Whenteenagerscomplainthatthey
wanttobetreatedlikehumanbeings,
it'susuallybecausetheyarebeing
treatedlikehumanbeings.
VERONICAleansagainstthewallwithamelancholysmile.
VERONICA
IguessIpickedthewrongtime
tobeahumanbeing.
MOMisembarassedforgettingsoinvolved.Shemeeklygestures
toatrayofpatewithacompassionatesmile.
MOM
You'lllive.Wantsomepate?
HEATHERDUKEsuddenlybreezesintheroom,outofbreath,
holdingvariousshoppingbags.
HEATHERDUKE
Hieveryone,doorwasopen.Haveyou
heard,Veronica?WeweredoingChinese
attheFoodFair,right,whenthey
comeovertheradioandsayMartha
Dumptrucktriedtobuythefarm.She
bellyfloppedinfrontofacar,
wearingasuicidenote.
VERONICA
(repulsed)
Isshedead?
HEATHERDUKE
That'sthepunchline.She'sstill
alive,instablecondition.Another
caseofageektryingtoimitatethe
popularpeopleoftheschooland
failingmiserably.Isthatpate?
VERONICAslapsHEATHERDUKEintheface.
HEATHERDUKEpacestheroomholdinganicepacktoherjaw.
VERONICAisglumlysprawledontheground.
VERONICA
IsaidIwassorry.
HEATHERDUKE
Youareoutofcontrol.Heatherand
Kurtwereashock,butMartha
Dumptruck,getcrucial!Shedialed
suicidehotlinesinherdiapers.
VERONICA
You'renotfunny.Turnontheradio.
HEATHERDUKE
(HeatherChandleresque)
Marthacouldn'ttaketheheatsoshe
gotoutofthekitchen.Justthink
whatabetterplacetheworldwould
beifeverynimrodfollowedhercue.
VERONICA
Justshutupandturnontheradio.
HotProbsison.
HEATHERDUKE
Ohshit,yeah.
HEATHERDUKEhastenstotheradioandflicksiton.Ripping
openabagofcornnuts,shesetsherselfdownnextto
VERONICAasaTROUBLEDMALEVOICEcutstheair.
TROUBLEDMALEVOICE(Radio)
Iknowit'ssupposedtobefunny
thattheynevergetofftheisland,
butstill,sometimesIfeellikeI'm
onthatislandandGilligancanbejust
sostupidsometimes.
HEATHERDUKE
Thissoundslikeagoodone.
INT.RADIOSTATIONBOOTHNIGHT
AslobD.J.cacklesintoaconferencecalltypebox.
D.J.
Dude,you'vegottorememberifit
wasn'tforthecourageofthefearless
crew,theMinnowwouldbelost.The
Minnowwouldbelost!Nextcall!
TROUBLEDMALEVOICE
ButSkipperhatesme...
TheD.J.rudelyclicksofftheTROUBLEDMALEVOICE.
D.J.
Whoa,they'recomingoutearlytonight.
Whateverhappenedtoabortionsandacne?
You'vegottheDogcatcherandyou're
listeningtoHotProbs.
INT.HEATHERMCNAMARA'SBEDROOMNIGHT
HEATHERMCNAMARAissittingclandestinelyonherbedroomfloor
talkingonthephoneandthroughherradio.Adimlamp
providestheroom'sonlylight.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
MynameisHeather,Imean,notHeather.
HEATHERMCNAMARAlooksupataMadonnaposteronthewall.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
It'sMadonna.Geez,no,notthat.
HEATHERMCNAMARAlooksuptoaknickknackoflittlegoldbird.
VERONICAandHEATHERDUKEsimultaneouslymoveintostunned
silence.
D.J.(radio)
Heybabe,Ineedaname?
INT.RADIOSTATIONBOOTHNIGHT
HEATHERMCNAMARA(box)
MynameisTweety.
D.J.
Yo,Tweet,ifyou'regoingtotell
meyoujustsawaputtycat....
INT.HEATHERMCNAMARA'SBEDROOMNIGHT
AbrokendownHEATHERMCNAMARAsobs.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
Godhascursedme,Ithink.The
lasttimeIhadsex,theguykilled
himselfthenextday.I'mfailingMath.
HEATHERDUKEexcitedllyjumpsupasHEATHERMCNAMARAdroneson.
HEATHERDUKEHEATHERMCNAMARA(radio)
Holyshit,that'sMywholelifeisamess.
Heather!We'llIwassupposedtobe
crucifyher!captainofthecheerleading
team,butIprobablywon't
VERONICAbecauseImisspracticewhen
Ohman,sheknowswemyDadvisits.Myparents
listentothisshow!aredivorcedandstuffand....
INT.CLASSROOMDAY
AblackboardreadsPOORLITTLEHEATHER.
VERONICA(V.O.)
HeathertoldeveryoneaboutHeather.
HEATHERMCNAMARAisrevealedinthefrontrowwearingher
cheerleaderuniform.Totheleft,HEATHERDUKEdisheswith
somedreamyGUYS.Atthebackoftheclassroom,VERONICA,
monocleineye,writesinherdiary.
VERONICA(V.O.)
Yes,DearDiary,I'vecutoffHeather
Chandler'sheadandHeatherDuke'shead
hassproutedinitsplacelikesome
mythologicalthingmyeighthgrade
boyfriendwouldknowabout.Heather's
evendoingtheoldnotetrick.
AHOMELYGIRLisseenreadinganote,glancingtoaTYPICALJOCK.
VERONICAtakesinthewickedpanoramaoftheclassroom.
VERONICA(V.O.)
I'veseenJ.D.'sway.I'veseenPauline'sway.
Nothing'schanged.Iguessthat'sHeather's
way.Andjesus,whataboutJ.D.?Ican'tget
himoutofmyhead.ArewegoingtotheProm?
OrtoHell?Andwhere'sHeathergoing?
HEATHERMCNAMARAsuddenlyrisesandwalksoutoftheclassroom,
passingaGRUFFTEACHERinatrenchcoat,carryingabriefcase.
GRUFFTEACHER
Where'sHeathergoing?
HEATHERDUKE
She'sgoingtocryyy.
HEATHERMCNAMARAstrugglestoopenabottleofsleepingpills.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
Fuckingchildprotectorcaps.
INT.THEGRUFFTEACHER'SCLASSROOMDAY
GRUFFTEACHERwritesamathproblemontheboard.Aflustered
VERONICAsquirmsinherseatthenleapsupandrunstothedoor.
GRUFFTEACHER
Nowwhere'sshegoing?Issomebodygetting
rapedtodayonAllMyChildrenorwhat?
INT.HALLWAYDAY
VERONICAracesdownthehall.
HEATHERMCNAMARAisachipmunkwithamouthfulofpills.
Shepullsaglassfromherpurseandturnsonafaucet,butno
watercomesout.Shemanagestomumble.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
Givemeabreak.
HEATHERMCNAMARAgetsrunningwaterfromanothersinkas
VERONICArushesin.VERONICApunchesHEATHERMCNAMARA'sface
causingthepillstoexplodeoutofhermouth.HEATHER
MCNAMARAslumpsagainstastall,ontothefloor.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
Whatareyoutryingtodo?Killme?
VERONICAjumpsupanddownonthepillsonthefloor.
VERONICA
Whatwereyoutryingtodo?Sleep?
HEATHERMCNAMARA
Suicideisaprivatething.
VERONICAlungesforwardtostrikeher.HEATHERMCNAMARA
recoilswithawail.Halfregaininghercomposure,VERONICA
slidesdownnexttoHEATHERMCNAMARA.
VERONICA
You'regivingyourlifeawayto
becomeagoddamnstatisticinU.S.
FuckingAToday.That'sgottobe
theleastprivatethingIcanthinkof.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
ButwhataboutHeatherandRamandKurt?
VERONICA
Ifeveryonejumpedoffabridge,
younglady,wouldyou?
HEATHERMCNAMARAwipestearsfromhereyesandsmilesweakly.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
Probably....
VERONICA
Heynow,ifyouwerehappyeveryday
ofyourlife,youwouldn'tbeahuman
being,you'dbeagameshowhost.
HEATHERMCNAMARA
Let'sknockoffearly.Buysomeshoes.
Somethinglamelikethat.
VERONICA
Sure.
INT.THEEMPTYCLASSROOMDAY
Comfortablyslouchedatadesk,J.D.laconicallyrumbles.
J.D.
Soit'scometothis.
(turningtotheviewer)
HeatherChandlerdidpolls.Iwantyou
todoaPetition,asafavor,asthe
favor.You'veheardthegroupBigFun,right?
HEATHERDUKEsitsatthedeskoppositehimtorchingthe
manillaenvelopes(photographs)withabutanelighter.
HEATHERDUKE
J.D.
(postchortle)
SometeenybopperragsaidthatBigFunwants
toplayaProm.ItcouldbeWesterburg's
ifwecangeteveryone'sJohnHancock.
J.D.flipsacrossastackofblank,connectedcomputer
printoutsheets.Atthetopisasmallparagraphandtheword
PETITION.HEATHERDUKEblowsashesoffherdeskandgrabsit,
giggling.
HEATHERDUKE
I'llgetrightonitcoach.Andhey,
alittlegift.Iwon'tbeneedingit.
HEATHERDUKEtwirlshercopyofCatcherintheRyetoa
pleasedJ.D.
INT.STAIRCASEWINDOWDAY
HEATHERDUKEgothicallyascendsastaircase,holdingthe
petition.Shestops,armsraisedhigh,tobatheinthe
sunlightblastingthroughthestaircasewindow.
INT.CAFETERIADAY
HEATHERDUKE,petitioninhand,sashaystowardtheCountry
ClubKidstable.
COURTNEY
Ohgreat.HerecomesHeather.
KEITH
Shit.
INT.SCHOOLBUSDAY
HEATHERDUKEchirpstoaschoolbusfulofvariousSTUDENTS.
EXT.SCHOOLLAWNDAY
TheprovocativelydressedPetitionercharmsapatchofJocks.
INT.STAIRCASEWINDOWDAY
HEATHERDUKEcontinuestobizarrelybatheinthesunlightof
thestaircasewindow.
EXT.PARKINGLOTDAY
StrategicallywearingHeavyMetalaccessories,HEATHERDUKE
slamsdownthepetitionatopacarhoodfulofMetalheads.
Deckedoutindenim,HEATHERDUKEvanishesintotheStoner
Hallwaysmoke,withthepetition.
INT.THESTAIRCASEWINDOWDAY
HEATHERDUKEfurtherwrithesinthesunlightuntilVERONICA's
perplexedvoicecutsintoherbliss.
VERONICA(O.S.)
Heather?
HEATHERDUKEbringsdownherarmsandthepetitionandturns
toVERONICA,revealedtobedescendingdownthesteps.
HEATHERDUKE
Veronica!Colormestoked,girl.I've
gotteneveryonetosignthispetition
eventheonewhothinkBigFunare
tunelessEurofags.Peopleloveme!
(giggling)
MyGod,youhaven'tsigned!
VERONICA
PeopleloveyoubutIknowyou.
JenniferForbestoldmethepetition
shesignedwastoputahottubin
thecafeteria.AndDougHylton...
HEATHERDUKE
(verballywinking)
Sosomepeopleneeddifferentkinds
of"convincing"thanothers....
(happinessevaporating)
Hey,justsignthepetition!
VERONICA
HEATHERDUKE
ItwasJ.D.'sidea!Hemade
outthesignaturesheetand
everything.Nowwillyousignit?
VERONICA
(queasy)
No.
HEATHERDUKE
Jealousmuch?
VERONICAslapsHEATHERDUKEwithallhermight.
VERONICA
Heather,whycan'tyoujustbea
friend?WhyareyousuchaMegaBitch?
HEATHERDUKE
BecauseIcanbe!Thesamefuckingcheek,
goddamnit!Whyareyoupullingmydick?
Doyouthink,doyoureallythink,if
BettyFinn'sfairygodmothermadeher
Cool,she'dstillactniceandhangwith
herdweebettefriends?Noway!UhUh!
HEATHERDUKEstumblesdownthestairs.
HEATHERDUKE
Fuckmegentlywithachainsaw...
J.D.'svoicecutsintoVERONICA'sconcentration.
J.D.(O.S.)
Wannagoouttonight?
VERONICAgrimlyturnstoseeasmirking,descendingJ.D.
J.D.
Catchamovie?SomeminiatureGolf?
VERONICA
(jokinglybutcaustically)
Iwasthinkingmorealongthelines
ofslittingHeatherDuke'swrists
openandmakingitlooklikeasuicide.
J.D.seductivelyslidesbehindVERONICAandenvelopsher.
J.D.
Icouldbeupforthat.I'vealready
startedunderliningmeaningfulpassages
inHeather'scopyofCatcherintheRye,
ifyouknowwhatImean.Thisisgreat,
Veronica.Iknewyou'dcomeback.
AsintheChandlerkitchenscene,J.D.kissesthebackof
VERONICA'sneckandshecloseshereyes.Suddenlysherifles
herelbowintohisstomach,doublinghimover.Shescreamsin
hisearthenboltsdownthestairsashegaspsafterher.
VERONICA
It'sover,J.D.Over!Growup!
J.D.
Idon'tgetit!Youwerewrong!Iwas
right!Strength,damnit!Comeback!
INT.SAWYERLIVINGROOMDUSK
Intenselyclutchingherschoolbooks,VERONICAwalksthrough
thefrontdoorintothelivingroomwhereMOMandDADsitwith
aggressivelycompassionatefaces.VERONICAisabitconfused.
VERONICA
Yes?
MOMandDADglanceateachotherbeforeMOMspeaks.
MOM
YourfriendJasonDeanjuststopped
by.Heseemedveryconcernedabout
you.Hesaidhethinksyoumight
trytokillyourself.
DAD
Youhavebeendepressedlately.Oh,
hesaidthisisforyou.
DADholdsoutanenvelope.VERONICAnabsitandripsitopen.
Thenotereads,infemininemanuscript:RECOGNIZETHE
HANDWRITING?
VERONICA
OhmyGod....
VERONICArunsoff,hermother'svoicetrailingbehindher.
MOM(O.S.)
Hesaysweshouldkeepyouawayfrom
sharpobjects,closedgarages,toxic...
INT.VERONICA'SBEDROOMDUSK
VERONICAvaultsthroughherbedroomdoor.ABarbieishdoll
wearingaBigFunTshirthangsfromanoose.Withawhimper,
sheswervesawayfromit,lookstoheropenwindow,andthen
divesontoherbed.
EXT.OUTSIDETHESAWYERHOUSENIGHT
J.D.laconicallyleansagainsthismotorcyclewithhislegs
suavelycrossed.HelooksuotoVeronica'sbedroomwindowand
hearsanotherwhimperemerge.Heputsacigaretteinhismouth
andlightsitwithasmile.
VERONICAcurlsintoafetalpositiononherbedandclosesher
eyes.....tighterandtighterasJ.D.'svoice.
J.D.(O.S.)
"Youcan'teverfindaplacenice
andpeacefulbecausethereisn'tany."
VERONICAflopsaroundtoseeJ.D.kneelingoverheronherbed
readingHeatherDuke'scopyofTheCatcherintheRye.
J.D.
Nice.It'sgotthatCatcherintheRyey
Ihatetheworldandtheworldhatesme
solet'scommitsuicideambience.Give
itatry,underlinesomething.
J.D.giddilyunderlineswordsthenslidesintoaprone
position,tossingthebooktoanenragedVERONICA.
VERONICA
Getoffmybed,yousickpsycho.
Youthinkyou'rearebel.You're
notarebel.You'reasickpsycho.
(increasingrage)
Doyouthinkyou'rearebel?Doyou
thinkyou'rearebel?Iwannaknow!
J.D.
Yousaytomayto,Isaytomahto.Let's
callthewholethingoff...Holdit!
VERONICAfreezesandJ.D.reachesuptoherhandwhereshe
holdstheCatcherintheRye.Herindexfingeriscurledinto
thebook.Sittingup,J.D.carefullyopensthebookatthat
placeandpeersin.
J.D.
Lookatthat.Eskimo.Oneword.I
loveit.Iusuallygoforwhole
sentencesmyself,butheythisis
perfecto.Eskimo.Somysterious...
VERONICA
Waita....You'renotlistening!I'm
notonyourside....
INT.THEDUKEKITCHENNIGHT
Thesoundofalockbeingjimmiedisheardmomentsbefore
VERONICAandJ.D.burstthroughthedoor.J.D.movestothe
dishwasherandopensitlikeaburglaropeningasafe.
VERONICA
You'restillnotlistening!I'mnot..
J.D.
(pullingouttheknife)
Nag,nag,nag,nag.nag.
VERONICA
(takingtheknifefromhim)
Thisknifeisfilthy.
J.D.
WhatinthehelldoyouthinkI'm
doing?Takingouthertonsils?
VERONICA
IthinkIknowHeatherabitbetter
thanyou,okay?Ifshewasgoingto
slashherwrists,theknifewould
beabsolutelyspotless.
J.D.grabsadishtowelandvigorouslywipesofftheknife.
J.D.
How'sthis?Canyouseeyour
fuckingreflection?
Shecanandsocantheviewer.TearswellinVERONICA'seyes.
Shebeginstoshudder,ashatteredsmilequakingonherface.
VERONICA
Tomorrowsomeoneelsewillmove
intoherplace.Thatperson
couldbeme.
(suddenlydeliriouslydefiant)
Ha,there'sonlyoneofuswhoknows
Heather'shandwritingandifyouthink
I'mdoinganothersuicidenote.
J.D.
(laughing)
Youdon'tgetit,doyou?Society
nodsitsheadatanyhorrorthe
Americanteenagercanthinkto
bringuponitself.Wedon'tneed
glovesanddoesanyonereally
careaboutexacthandwriting?
J.D.tearshisglovesoffwithagiggle.Hetakesapenfromthe
kitchencounterandpaperfromacutesymemopad.Heshovesthe
peninVERONICA'shandandgrabbingherhand,forcesherto
scribbleLIFESUCKSonthepaper.
J.D.
Perfecto.Man,I'veevengota
markedupCatcherintheRye.
Whatelsedoesasuicideneed?
J.D.pullsoutthecopyoftheCatcherintheRyeandopensa
doorrevealingHEATHERDUKE,asleepinanartfulposeona
couch,MTVimagesfromtheT.V.flashingagainsther.
J.D.
(raisingtheknife)
Ifyou'llexcuseme......
VERONICA
Noo!
J.D.hosintheadjoingingroomandslamsthedoor.VERONICA
racestothedoorwailing.Shemaniacallyrattlesthedoorknob
tryingtoopenthelockeddoor.
INT.ANANOYNYMOUST.V./HEATHERDUKE'SROOMNIGHT
Thesoundoftherattlingdoorknobsubtlyturnsintowild
AfricanmusicthunderingonthesoundtrackasPAULINEFLEMING
ethereallymovestoablackboardwiththreechalkstrokeson
itandmakesafourthchalkstroke.
INT.NEWSPAPER/YEARBOOKWORKSHOPDAY
Inspeededupimagery,DENNIS,PETER,andtheYEARBOOKGIRL
maneuverpicturesofHEATHERCHANDLER,KURT,RAM,andHEATHER
DUKEinmindbogglinglycountlesswaysinordertoaccomodate
themallonthesametwopagelayout.
INT.FRONTOFTHECAFETERIADAY
Withevenmorespeededupimagery,fourSTUDENTSwearing"What
aWaste,OhtheHumanity"Tshirtstossouttonsofblack
armbandsintoahungrycrowd.
INT.CHURCHDAY
ThewildAfricanmusicandthespeededupimageryslamstoa
haltatthesighofHEATHERDUKElyingserenelyinacoffin.
FATHERRIPPERwearingdarksunglassesandaterrifyingtoupee,
walksinfrontofhertoaddressasizablegroupofADULTSand
STUDENTSsittinginfoldoutchairsbeforehim.FATHERRIPPER
dramaticallylooksoverthecrowdbeforefinallyspeaking.
FATHERRIPPER
Eskimo.
FATHERRIPPERletsthewordhangintheair,thenholdsupthe
book.
FATHERRIPPER
HeatherDukeunderlinedalotof
thingsinthiscopyofTheCatcher
intheRye,butIbelievetheword
Eskimo,underlinedallbyitselfis
thekeytounderstandingHeather'spain.
VERONICAstandsinacornerwithan"Ohbrother"lookonher
face.
FATHERRIPPER
Onthesurface,HeatherDukewasthe
vivaciousyoungladyweallknewher
tobe.ButhersoulwasinAntartica,
freezingwiththeknowledgeoftheway
fellowteenagerscanbecruel,theway
parentscanbeunresponsive,andasshe
writessoeloquentlyinhersuicidenote,
thewaylifecansuck.We'llallmiss
Sherwood'slittleEskimo.Let'shope
she'srubbingnoseswithJesus.
HEATHERCHANDLERmovesnexttoVERONICAholdingaplateof
steamingspaghetti.Sheiswearingnerdyglassesand
somethingthatlookslikeanintergalacticprisonunifrom.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Isthisturnoutweakorwhat?Ihad
atleastseventymorepeopleat
myfuneral.
VERONICA
Heather?Wha...
HEATHERCHANDLER
OhGodVeronica,myafterlifeis
sooboring.IfIhavetosing
"Kumbaya"onemoretime...
VERONICA
Whatareyoudoinghere?!
HEATHERCHANDLER
Imadeyourfavorite.Spaghetti.
Lotsoforegano.
Withasqueal,HEATHERCHANDLERplungesVERONICA'sfaceinto
theplateofspaghetti.
HEATHERCHANDLER
Dinner!
Uncurlingfromthefetalpositionthatshehadfallenasleep
in,VERONICA'stightlyclosedeyessnapopeninasweatasher
mother'svoicecontinuestofilterthroughthedoor.It'sall
beenadream...........
MOM(O.S.)
Dinner!Veronica!Dinner!
VERONICAcloseshereyesandholdsherheart.Shesuddenly
launchestoherdesk,opensherdiary,shovesonher
monocle,catchesherbreath,andbeginswriting.
VERONICA(O.S.)
DearDiary,noonecanstopJ.D.Not
theF.B.I.,theC.I.A.,ortheP.T.A.
Thatistosay,noonebutme.Iknow
whereJ.D.iscomingfromandwhere
heisheading.He'swrong,butI'mgoing
toteachhimwhat'sright.I'mgoing
tostopJ.D....Ifit'sthelastthing
Ido.
VERONICAleansbackinherchair,sweating.Shereachesinthe
pocketofablazerdrapedoverthebackofthechairandpulls
outthecigaretteJ.D.hadgivenherearilerinthefilm.She
putsitinhermouthunlitthentakesitoutandputsitback
intheblazer.
EXT.OUTSIDETHESAWYERHOMENIGHT
J.D.remainslaconicallyleaningagainsthismotorcyclewith
hislegssuavelycrossedashewasbeforeVeronicabegan
dreaming.J.D.finisheshiscigaretteandpullsoutagun.He
checksthebullets,putsthegunbackinhiscoat,andheads
towardthehouse.
VERONICAhugsJ.F.K.thecatthenripsdownthehangingdoll.
EXT.THESAWYERFRONTYARDNIGHT
J.D.leansaladderagainsttheSawyerhouse.
INT.THESAWYERDINNERTABLENIGHT
MOMsetsdownthreeplatesofspaghetti.DADwatcheson.
MOM
Doesshewantawritteninvitation?
(yellingupward)
Veronica!Dinner!
J.D.crawlsthroughVERONICA'swindow.Hangingfromthe
rafter,neckinanooseofbedshoots,isVERONICA.
INT.THESAWYERDINNERTABLENIGHT
MOMsetsaglassofmilkatVERONICA'splace,distressed.
MOM
Honey?
J.D.pacestheroom,sweatingandranting,wavingagunin
onehand,theBarbieishdollintheother.
J.D.
Ican'tbelieveyoudidit.Iwas
teasing.Ilovedyou.Sure,Iclimbed
upheretokillyou,butfirstIwas
goingtotryandgetyouback.With
amazingpetition.
J.D.throwsthegunonthebedandpullsfromhiscoatthe
computerprintoutsheetpetition,thensavagelyrollsitout
onthefloor.Itisfilledwithsignaturesofdifferentsizes,
styles,andcolors.J.F.K.blinks.
J.D.
It'sashameyoucan'tseewhatour
fellowstudentsreallysigned.
J.D.flicksopenaswitchblade.Herunsthebladebeneaththe
typedparagraphatthetopcausingittopeeloff,reavealing
anothertypedparagraph.
J.D.
Listen."WestudentsofWesterburg
Highwilldie.Today.Ourburning
bodieswillbetheultimateprotest
toasocietythatdegradesis.Fuck
youall."Notthatsubtlebutneither's
blowinguptheschool.Talkaboutyour
suicidepacts.Whenourschoolexplodes
tomorrow,it'sgoingtobethekindof
thingthatinfectsageneration.A
Woodstockforthe80's.Damn,we
couldatoastedmarshmallowstogether.
MOM(O.S.)
Honey,areyouallrightinthere?
J.D.swiftlypicksupthepetitionandheadsoutthewindow.
MOMenterstheroomand,seeingherhangingdaughter,launches
intofranticscreams.
MOM
OhGod,Iknewit!No,no!Iwantmy
babyback!Ishouldhaveletyoukeep
thatjobatthemall.Iwasjustafraid
ofyoucominghomealoneatnight!
VERONICAopenshereyes.
MOM
Imadeyourfavorite!Spaghetti!
Lotsoforegano!
VERONICAundosthenoosearoundherneckbutstillremains
hangingfortheroperunsallthewaydownherbackbeneath
herblazerandistiedaroundherwaist.Sheundosthewaist
knotandlandsonherbed.Shequicklyputsasmallpillowover
theleftbehindgun,unnoticedbyherdazedMOM.
VERONICA
HeyMom,whysotense?
INT.THESAWYERDINNERTABLEAREANIGHT
MontagemusicplaysasVERONICArearsupfromherdinnerplate
toseeherstonefacedPARENTSandherCATstaringather.
INT.J.D.'SBEDROOMNIGHT
J.D.toolswithabombathisdesk.AKNOCKonthedoor.J.D.
turnsdownhisstereo(andtheMontagemusic).
BIGBUDDEAN(O.S.)
Ineedsomehelpwithmyhomework...
J.D.
Sorrytiger,I'malittlebusy....
J.D.turnsbackuphisstereo(andtheMontagemusic).
EXT.FRONTOFWESTERBURGHIGHMORNING
TheMontagemusiccontinuesasschoolbusesarriveinfrontof
theschool.STUDENTSpourout.
EXT.SCHOOLPARKINGLOTMORNING
STUDENTScomeoutoftheircars.
INT.HALLWAYMORNING
Typicallyhecticstartofanotherdayopeningandslammingof
lockeraction.VERONICAdartsthroughthethoroughfaretoher
locker.
ApassingPAULINEFLEMINGscreechestoahalt,grabbing
VERONICAasshechokesonsomestyrofoamcupcoffee.
PAULINE
Veronica!J.D.toldmeyou
committedsuicidelastnight!
VERONICA
Whereishe?Where'sJ.D.?
PAULINE
Wehavetotalk.I'vegotsome
pamphletsinmyofficethatwillhelp
youdecideifsuicideisreallyfor
you.Comeon,let'sgotakealook.
VERONICA
Getajob.
VERONICAstormstohernearbylocker.Sheswirlsherlocker
combinationandopensit.Sheglancesdownthehalland
freezes.
Inthedistance,J.D.movesmechanicallydownthehallway
carryingalargegymbag,wearingaWalkman.
VERONICAclimbsintoherlocker.Sheclosesituntilitis
barelyperceptiblyajar.J.D.stridespastthelockerandinto
theBoysbathroom.
INT.BOYSBATHROOMDAY
J.Dsmoothlymovesintoastallandclosesthedoor.He
turnsoffhisWalkmanandendstheMontagemusic.
INT.THEHALLWAYDAY
ThehallwayslowlyclearsasSTUDENTSgotoclass.Thebell
rings.ALATESTUDENTracesthroughtheemptyhallway.
VERONICAcarefullyhatchesoutofherlocker.Shetreadsdown
thehallwayasifsomethingwereabouttojumpoutather.
INT.THEGYMDAY
AgroupofcheerleadersincludingHEATHERMCNAMARAarelazily
doingcartwheelsonthegymfloor.Onasmallstagesetup
besidethem,otherSTUDENTSareputtingupfoldingchairs.
PRINCIPALGOWANsays"Testing"intoamicrophone.
J.D.,totingthegymbag,slipsthroughthegymdoor.Hemoves
unnoticedtoapositionunderneaththebleachers.
INT.THEHALLWAYDAY
VERONICApeersaroundacornertoseeanemptyhallway.
INT.GYMUNDERTHEBLEACHERSDAY
Usingheavyblackmaskingtape,J.D.tapesathermalbombtoa
steelsupportbeneaththebleachers.Otherthermalbombscanbe
discernedtapedtoothersupports.
INT.THEEMPTYHALLWAYDAY
VERONICAcautiouslytreadsdowntheemptyhallway,tryingto
keepincontrol.Suddenly,packsofSTUDENTSburstfrom
classroomdoorsbehindVERONICA.TheexcitedswarmsofSTUDENTS
movetowardandpastVERONICA,whohasbrakedhertroubled
treadingtostifflycontemplateherpassingpeers.Shelatches
ontoGeekRODNEYinapanic.RODNEYlooksdownathisclutched
armwithanervoussmile.
VERONICA
Rodney,where'severybodygoing?
RODNEY
It'sFriday.....
VERONICA
OhmyGod,anotherdamnpepassembly....
RODNEY
Yeah,thesethingsareprettyartificial,
butatleastweallgetoutofclass...
VERONICAignoresRODNEY'samiableattemotsatconversationto
inquisitivelymoveforwardthroughthecrowd.
INT.THEGYMDAY
J.D.dartsfromoutunderneaththebleacherstothegymdoors.
HepopsthedoorsopenandseesthecrowdofSTUDENTSmove
towardthegym.Hesuavelypausesthendashesdownanearbyset
ofstairs.
INT.THEHALLWAYLEADINGTOTHEGYMDAY
VERONICAcontinuestotenselysurfthetidalwaveofSTUDENTS
headingforthegymnasium.Shestopstowatchherclassmates
fileintothegymlikelemmingswithincreasingsenseofdread.
SheagainlatchesontoapassingRODNEY.
VERONICA
Rodney,what'sunderneaththegym?
RODNEY(unconsciously)dramaticallystops,turnstoVERONICA.
andsays........
RODNEY
Theboilerroom.
VERONICAblanchesthenlungesthroughthecrowd.Shetopplesa
coupledisgruntledSTUDENTSbeforecareeningdownthestaircase
besidethegym.
INT.HALLWAYOUTSIDETHEBOILERROOMDAY
J.D.walksbythefirmglasswindowsoftheboilerroom,eyeing
thepoundinggeneratorsinside.Hestopsataheavysteeldoor.
Placingdownhisgymbag,J.D.proceedstoswiftlypickthe
lock.Heswingsopenthesteeldoor.
VERONICA(O.S.)
MayIseeyourhallpass?
J.D.weildsaround.AsweatingVERONICAmovestowardhim,
pointingthebedroomgunathim.
J.D.
Iknewthatloosewastoonoose!I
mean,noosetooloose!Goddamnyou!
VERONICA
Likefather,likeson.Aseriousas
fuckbombintheboilerroomthat'll
setoffapackofthermalsupstairs.
Okay,solet'sstartbyslowlyputting
thebombdownontheground.
J.D.looksdownatthegymbagalreadyontheground.Hefolds
hisarmsandsmiles.VERONICAforcefullymovescloser.
VERONICA
Okay,okay.Iknewthat.Iknewthat.
Putyourhandsonyourhead.
J.D.
Youdidn'tsaySimonSays.
J.D.suddenlykicksoutintoVERONICA'sstomach,doublingher
overandcausinghertodropthegun.J.D.gracefullyretrieves
it.
INT.THEGYMDAY
ThepepassemblyisinfullswingwithrowdySTUDENTSinthe
bleachersearthilyshouting,gigglingcheerleadersmaking
swayingpyramids,valiantbandmembersstrugglingtobeheard.
VariousJocks,standonthestagewithPRINCIPALGOWANasa
YEARBOOKPHOTOGRAPHERflashesaway.
INT.THEHALLWAYBEFORETHEBOILERROOMDAY
VERONICAbendsoverquiveringandclutchingherbruisedribs.
J.D.raisestheguntoherhead.
J.D.
Livebythesword...
VERONICAswingsherleftarmupknockingJ.D.'sgunhand
upward.Shethensailsherrightfistintohisface.Theblow
annoyshimmorethanithurtshimbutJ.D.'smomentarylossof
composureallowsVERONICAtocomeinwithanothermuchharder
righthook.TheblowsendsJ.D.stumblingbackagainstthe
boilerroom,jarringthegunloose.
Theysimultaneouslylungeforthegun.VERONICA,havingthe
bettergrip,pullssoforecfullythatafterwrenchingthegun
fromJ.D.,shelosescontrolofit,flingingitdownthehall.
VERONICApopsuptoretrieveitbutJ.D.moveshislegs
scissorsstylearoundherandtripsher.
INT.GYMTHEPREPASSEMBLYDAY
Theassemblymindlesslyblareson.CheerleaderHEATHERMCNAMARA
rahrahrahs.RODNEYandtheotherGeekspassaroundapairof
operaglasses,allintenselyscopingoutthecheerleaders.A
groupofSTONERStokeawaybeneaththebleachers,oneofthem
lackadaisicallyleaningagainstathermalbomb.
INT.THEBOILERROOMHALLWAYDAY
AsnarlingJ.D.standsup,pullingVERONICAwithhim.
J.D.
Youthinkjustbecauseyoustarted
thisthing,youcanendit?
J.D.violentlykisses/bitesVERONICA.Whilekissing,VERONICA
seesafirealarmonanearbywall.Shecloseshereyesthen
savagelykneesJ.D.inthegroin.VERONICAboltstothealarm
andpullsitdown.Nothinghappens.J.D.gasps.
J.D.
You,reallydidn'tthinkI'd,forget,
forget,todisconnectthe....
VERONICArocketsherbodydownandpicksupthegun.J.D.grabs
herandthrowsheragainstthesteelboilerroomdoor.
AjostledVERONICAraisesthegun.J.D.howlsthenbounds
towardVERONICA,causingthembothtocareendownthesteel
stepsoftheboilerroom.Atthesametime,heinadvertently
kicksthegymbag/bombdownalongwiththem.Thegunspinsfrom
VERONICA'shandandslidesaway.Thebombfliesoutofthebag
ontotheboilerroomfloor.Adigitalclockonthebombclicks
onat5:00....4:59....4:58...
INT.GYMTHEPEPASSEMBLYDAY
Thefrenziedpepassemblycrowdisnowdoing"TheWave".BETTY
FINNandhersimilarcohortsdeliriouslygetintotheact,all
sitinacircleatthebottomrowsofthebleachers,poutingas
STUDENTSbounceupanddownaroundthem.Jocksstandonthe
stagegrinningandpreeningbeforethecrowd.
INT.THEBOILERROOMDAY
VERONICAandJ.D.areinaheapatthebottomoftheboiler
roomsteps.VERONICAfaintlyworksintoasemisittingposition
andgivesanastonishedglancetothebomb,itsdigitalclock
clickingto3:04.VERONICAcrawlstothegunandlevelsitata
rousingupJ.D.
VERONICA
Thebomb'sgoneon,J.D.!Howdo
youturnitoff?Tellme!
Fullystanding,J.D.flicksopenhisswitchblade.Hegives
VERONICA"thefinger,"screaminginexplodedsaliva...
J.D.
Fuckyou!
Seething,VERONICAshootsupatJ.D.blowingoff"thefinger."
Shriekinginpain,J.D.dropstheknifetoholdthissudden
geyserofblood.VERONICAachinglystands,pointingthegun.
Thebombclicksdownto2:25.
VERONICA
It'sallover,J.D.Helpmetostopit.
J.D.
Youwanttowipetheslatecleanas
muchasIdo.Okay,somaybeIam
killingeveryoneintheschool
becausenobodylovesme.Youhavea
purposethough!Remember?Let'sface
it,theonlyplacedifferentsocial
typescangenuinelygetalongwith
eachotherisinheaven.
VERONICAfiresthegunatJ.D.'sfeet.Thebombclicksto1:49.
Shefocuseshereyesonthreeredbuttonsonthebomb.
VERONICA
WhichbuttondoIpresstoturnit
off?Tellme!
J.D.
Trytheredone,butseriously,people
aregoingtolookattheashesof
Westerburgandsaythere'saschool
thatselfdestructednotbecause
societydidn'tcare,butbecause
thatschoolwassociety.Isthat
deeporwhat?I'llletyouputitin
yourdiary,babe.Freeofcharge.
VERONICA
Whichredbutton,asshole?
J.D.
Pressthemiddleonetoturnitoff.
Ifthat'swhatyouwantbabe.....
VERONICApicksupthebombandputsitonasteeldrum,
speakingwithherbackturned.
VERONICA
YouknowwhatIwant,babe?
J.D.
(crouching)
What?
J.D.snatchesuphisswitchbladeandlungestowardVERONICA.
Shespringsaway,causinghimtobringtheknifedownpasther
andontothemiddleredbutton,stoppingtheclockonthebomb
at00:17.
VERONICA
Coolguyslikeyououtofmylife.
VERONICAfirestheguntwiceintoJ.D.'sstomach.Coughingand
moaning,hesplattersagainstagenerator.
VERONICA
Butdon'tworry,thesehere
wereIchLugebullets.
J.D.closeshiseyesandslumpstotheground.VERONICAwearily
regardstheimageoftheknifestuckinthestoppedbomb.
Acheerleaderdoesacartwheelinslowmotionaseeriemusic
plays.Themaniccrowdinthebleachersvibratesinslowmotion
aswell.Atnormalspeed,asmilingVERONICAwalkstothedoors
ofthegymandpeersin.
Thepanoramaofroaringstudents,posingjocks,andprancing
cheerleaderscontinuestounfoldinslowmotion.VERONICAwalks
away......
EXT.THEFRONTOFTHESCHOOLDAY
VERONICAwearilypushesopenthefrontdoorandemergesoutside
oftheschool.Shecloseshereyestotherapeuticallybaskin
thesun'srays.Aslightsmiletremblesontoherface.A
strangevoicekillsit.
J.D.(O.S.)
Colormeimpressed.
J.D.standsstarklyinthedistancebeforeher,bloodspurting
fromhismouthontohisgunslingercoat.
J.D.
Youreallyfuckedmeup,Veronica.
VERONICA
IthoughtI...you..I...
J.D.
You'vegotpower,Veronica.PowerI
didn'tthinkyouhad.Theslateisclean.
J.D.pullsopenhiscoatrevealingthatthebombisattachedto
historso.Thegreenlightisonandtheclocksays
00:10..00:09.
J.D.
PretendIdidblowuptheschool.All
theschools.Nowthatyou'redead,
whatareyougonnadowithyourlife?
VERONICAtakestheunlitcigrettefromherblazerpocketand
putsitinhermouth.Shethenfoldsherarms.
VERONICA
Perfecto.
J.D.raiseshisarmsinacrucifixionposeasthebombclicks
to0:00.Nothinghappens.AnannoyedJ.D.breaksoutofhis
crucifixionstanceandrapsthebombwithhispalm.
Thesoundofthebombexplosionplungesthecheeringupanddown
pepassemblyintochaos.Wailingstudentspouroutofthebleachers
screaminglessoutoffearthana"WhoaDude"senseofexcitement.
EXT.THEFRONTOFTHESCHOOLDAY
VERONICAstandsinthesamepositioninfrontoftheschool
withherarmsstillfolded.Onlynowhercigaretteislitand
herfaceandclothesareblackenedinash.Flamesflickerin
bushesbehindher.VERONICAdragsonthecigaretteandturns
togoinside.
INT.THEFRONTHALLWAYDAY
VERONICAstrollsintotheschoolandintoahallwayofhowling
students,someofwhomaretearingdownPrombannersforthe
thrillofit.HEATHERDUKErushesuptoVERONICAandgrimaces.
HEATHERDUKE
Veronica,youlooklikehell.
VERONICA
Yeah,Ijustgotback.
VERONICAtossesawaythecigarette.ShethengrabsHEATHERDUKE
bytheshouldersandforciblyturnsheraround.
HEATHERDUKE
Whatareyoudoing?
VERONICA
Heather,mylove,there'sa
newsheriffintown.
VERONICAtakesoffHEATHERDUKE'sredribbonandtiesitaround
thehairofherownhead.ShekissesHEATHERDUKEonthecheek,
leavingablackstain.VERONICAcallsoff.
VERONICA
Hey,Martha,waitup.
MARTHADUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCKrevealedtobeinawheelchair,
brakestoastopandlookstoVeronica,confused.VERONICA
walksupbesideher.MARTHAstartsupherwheelchairand
accompaniesVERONICAawayintoadesertedhallway.
VERONICA
Mydateforthepromkindofflaked
outonme,soIthoughtifyou
weren'tdoinganythingthatnight
wecouldgotothevideostoreand
rentsomenewreleasesorsomething.
Maybepopsomepopcorn.
MARTHA
I'dlikethat.
VERONICA
SowouldI.
VERONICAandMARTHAcontinueglidingBogart/Rainsstyle.

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