Women Who Use Force

Vista
A Program for Women Who Use Force
vista: an extended vie...
v i s t a: a n e x t e n d e d v i e w
CURRICULUM GUIDE
Jersey Center for Nonviolence
A Program of JBWS
Vista
A Program for Women Who Use Force
Curriculum Guide
Written by:
Lisa Young Larance, MSW, LCSW, LMSW
Allison Hoffman-Ruzicka, MA
Jane Baldwin Shivas, MSW, LCSW, DVS
Developed for:
JERSEY CENTER FOR NONVIOLENCE
A Program of JBWS Inc.
2009
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Introduction
About the Authors
Curriculum
Session One: Who I Am & What Brought Me Here
Session Two: Identifying Forceful Behaviors, Goals and Consequences
11
Session Three: Effects of Force on Children, Family, Friends, and/or Pets
14
Session Four: Relationship Needs
16
Session Five: Cultural Messages and Responsibilities
18
Session Six: Defense Mechanisms and Survival Skills
20
Session Seven: Boundaries
22
Session Eight: Anger
25
Session Nine: Conflict Management
28
Session Ten: Releasing Judgment
31
Session Eleven: Shame
34
Session Twelve: Perceptions What is Strong? What is Weak?
37
Session Thirteen: Effectively Express Yourself
39
Session Fourteen: Stress Signals and Escalation
42
Session Fifteen: Protection PlanningCreating Physical and Emotional Safety
44
Session Sixteen: The Challenging Nature of Change
47
Session Seventeen: Your Future Self
50
Session Eighteen: Intimacy
52
Session Nineteen: Healthful Relationships
54
Session Twenty: Gifts to Yourself
56
Acknowledgements/About JBWS Inc.
58
References and Session Handouts
59
INTRODUCTION
Agency and Program Overview
Jersey Battered Womens Services, Inc. (JBWS) is a comprehensive anti-domestic
violence agency dedicated to preventing domestic violence by empowering and protecting
survivors, rehabilitating family members, advocating for social reform, and educating the
public about domestic violence and its consequences. JBWS Vista Program provides
services to women who use any combination of control, force, or violence in their intimate
relationships. Vistas creation, implementation, and services are grounded in the belief that
women who use non-self-defensive physical force against their intimate partners be they
domestic violence survivors or not are putting themselves and others at greater risk of
harm and, therefore, need contextualized advocacy, support, and intervention (Larance,
2006).
From Conversation to Intervention

JBWS staff became part of the conversation on womens use of force when
municipal and superior court judges in metropolitan New Jersey began ordering battered
women to participate in batterers intervention or anger management for using force
against their intimate partners. The issues concerning womens use of force in intimate
relationships were not new to JBWS staff, as survivors participating in the agencys
residential and nonresidential programs had long discussed their use of self-defensive and
retaliatory force toward intimate partners. We were well aware that some women who are
survivors regardless of sexual orientation, racial and/or economic background resort to
using force in their intimate relationships. But we also knew that, when contextualized,
womens use of force differed significantly from mens use of force in terms of motivation,
intent, and impact. Generally, women resort to force in an effort to grasp short-term control
of abusive and/or coercively controlling relationship dynamics. In contrast, men who batter
women use coercively controlling tactics as a pattern to establish long-term relationship
dominance. Consequently, ordering women to services designed to address distinctly male
battering behavior was inappropriate at best and re-victimizing at worst.
During this early part of the process we witnessed that once women, who were
usually domestic violence survivors, had used force against their intimate partner they were
now labeled by the criminal justice system as perpetrators. As a result these women were
not provided advocates to help navigate the court system, were frequently denied requests
for restraining orders against their abusers, had limited employment opportunities, lost jobs
that relied upon licensure, and were unwelcome at many domestic violence shelters.
Because many in the anti-domestic violence movement did not serve perpetrators, these
women did not have access to contextualized support, advocacy, assessment and/or
intervention to address their complex circumstances. Alternatively, some domestic violence
advocates viewed women who use force primarily through the lens of victimization and
provided solely victim-focused services to them where the women were discouraged from
speaking about their forceful actions. We learned that without specific, appropriate
resources, intervention, and/or support these women many of whom continued to live
with abusive partners were then at increased risk of being harmed and/or harming others
because they saw no viable alternatives. As an agency focused on effective means to
addressing domestic violence and its multiple implications, we grew increasingly frustrated.
Our frustration was rooted in observations that while women in our area struggled to
navigate the court system and searched for services that simply did not exist, theoretical
conversations waged among professionals with divergent points of view but practical
interventions were still not made available.
Thus, we found ourselves at a crossroads: some colleagues in the anti-domestic
violence movement discouraged us from providing services because of the very real
concern that such services would only stigmatize women; women were coming to JBWS
asking for services in an attempt to address feeling stigmatized for what they had done and
how they had been treated by criminal justice and law enforcement personnel; and court
system personnel were actively sending women to batterers intervention because there
were not alternative interventions. We chose to be an active part of an evolving solution
(For a full review, see Larance, 2006). Emboldened by our decision, we continued to
broadly research the issue, conduct extensive intra-agency discussions, and actively
participate on the New Jersey Coalition for Battered Womens (NJCBW) subcommittee on
women who use force. Concurrently we met and spoke with advocates, researchers, and
practitioners from across the country who provided vital information to our evolving process.
Consequently the Vista Program was born.
Curriculum Development: An Evolving Process

The name Vista was chosen to indicate the programs extended view of serving
women who had used force one grounded in a healing place philosophy that validates
domestic violence survivorship and diverse life experiences, while encouraging

accountability and focusing on personal choice. Given our understanding of the distinctions
between mens and womens violence, we believed and continue to believe that an effective
curriculum would have to be specifically tailored to the needs of women who were struggling
with personal shame and/or guilt for having used force and frequently have unaddressed
survivorship issues. Initially we used the Domestic Abuse Projects (DAP) curriculum
Women Who Abuse in Intimate Relationships (Hamlett, 1998), as a framework for the
dissemination of knowledge and information during the group process. However, to meet
the complex needs of the women who sought Vistas services, particularly in terms of
attending to the motivations for their use of force in a contextualized manner, we spent the
next five years developing what is now the Vista curriculum.
During this process our expert advice was provided by group member feedback.
After each session of Vistas first two years, index cards were given to the women and they
were asked to write down what worked for them or didnt work for them during that
evenings session. Their input, member exchanges during group, and facilitator analysis of
group content were the basis for the majority of the Vista curriculum sessions. Each session
is designed in a way that can be tailored to the diverse needs of most intervention groups
that serve women who have used force. Because most of the women who sought and/or
were referred for Vistas services are heterosexual, this curriculum focuses on heterosexual
relationship Power and Control dynamics. The majority of women served by Vista are
Caucasian. However, African American, Latina, East Asian, South Asian, and South East
Asian women have also been a dynamic and critical part of the group process (Refer to
Larance, 2006 for further explanation). Please refer to Dasgupta (1999, 2002), Goodmark
(2008), Miller (2005), and Miller and Meloy (2006) for more information regarding the unique
challenges facing women of color who have used force.
Vista served the first group of five women in August 2002. At that time the program
was 16 weeks long. Due to group member suggestions and facilitator feedback, the
program eventually expanded to 20 sessions in 2008. However, the curriculum can be
abbreviated or expanded to suit the particular agencys needs. Vistas general intervention
goals are to provide women who have used force in their intimate relationships the
opportunity to plan for their safety; address feelings of shame and/or guilt related to their use
of force; encourage appropriate levels of responsibility (often women take responsibility for
everything that went wrong in the relationship rather than what they justifiably had control
over) for having used force; and raise awareness of viable alternatives to using force.
Because women in abusive relationships often view themselves as having fewer resources
and limited recourse (Pence and Dasgupta, 2006 ) are more likely to use force, each
session should focus on a new tool the women may not have perceived themselves as
having before the session commenced. This document is as a work in progress that will be
updated when possible. In that effort, the feedback of those who choose to use this
curriculum is always welcome.
Assessment
Assessment is the first, critical step in effectively serving women who have used
force in their intimate relationships. It should be thought of as an ongoing process rather
than a time-limited exchange that solely focuses on paperwork completion. At Vista,
assessment begins with a womans first call for services and ends only with the last agency
contact. It is not unusual for women to deny domestic violence survivorship during their
intake assessment interview and then reveal experiences of survivorship either in the
presenting relationship or in previous relationships after many weeks of group participation.
Facilitators should anticipate myriad participant revelations during what can be a dynamic,
trust building, and potentially life changing (for the facilitator and the group members)
intervention experience. During the initial phase assessment should include (Refer to
House, 2001 and Larance, 2006, 2007 for further detail):
Demographic Information
A contextualized Abusive Behavior Inventory covering womens use of force and
experience of force by partners
Medical Information Has she ever had injuries due to domestic violence?
Relationship history including:
Previous relationship history For example: Was she verbally, physically,
and/or emotionally abused by a previous intimate partner? Did she feel safe
in that relationship? Did she use force in that relationship? Has she ever
sought shelter due to domestic violence in a relationship? What was her last
contact with the former partner who was abusive?
Current relationship dynamics For example: Does she fear her partner in
ways others do not seem to understand? Who controls the finances and/or
time with family and friends? When was her first, worst, and last use of
force? When was her partners first, worst, and last use of force against her?
What was different, if anything, about the presenting incident for her? What
are her program participation goals, if any? Has she ever sought shelter due
to domestic violence in this relationship?
To be eligible for Vista services, a woman must have used non-self-defensive force in her
intimate relationship with a current or former partner. Women who are assessed to have
used self-defensive force are referred on a voluntary basis to the agency's Resource Center
for Counseling and Advocacys Community Counseling Services program that serves
domestic violence survivors who have not used force. Vista members are primarily referred
to the program by the criminal justice system (CJS), child protective services (CPS),
community counseling programs, and self-referral. Although Vista does accept women
mandated by these institutions, Vista staff view mandated referral as an imperfect solution to
the systems challenge of effectively addressing womens use of force in their intimate
relationships.
Using this Curriculum: Philosophy and Approach

Addressing womens use of force during the group intervention process is a complex
and context specific endeavor in which compassionate confrontation is a critical tool.
Throughout this process group facilitators must present each session in an environment free
from shame, blame, and/or judgmental language in terms of language used by facilitators
and group members. We have observed how trust, honesty, and social networks can and
do flow from an atmosphere of mutual support and validation (Larance and Porter, 2004).
We are confident that group members do not need advice from facilitators or other group
members and, in fact, advice giving is detrimental to the concepts of responsibility and
choice. Instead, women are encouraged to use I statements and speak from their
personal experience.
We view these women as experts in their situations who, with the group facilitators
assistance, need the opportunity to heal as they gradually explore what they believe to be
viable alternatives to using force. In Vista, an emphasis is placed on choice, particularly
developing behavioral choices previously unrecognized. It has been our experience that
group members initially believe their options to be limited, particularly when a history of
survivorship is present. We recommend that this be done by using the Ecological Nested
Model (Bronfenbrenner, 1977; Dasgupta, 1999; Larance, 2006) as a framework for the
intervention group:
Individual
System Level
Microsystem
Level
Exosystem
Level
Macrosystem
Level
Childhood
Experience
Family
Relationships
Social
Networks
Societal
Norms
Family of
Origin
Friendships
Socioeconomic
Status
Culture
Role Models
Colleagues
Ethnicity
Occupation
By presenting each session within the Ecological Nested Model, group members have the
opportunity to expand what they view as possible choices while concurrently developing an
awareness of the impact familial, institutional, community, and societal experiences have on
the context of their experiences. Particular sensitivity should be paid to the socio-cultural
nuances of living and functioning as a woman in the United States. Every opportunity
should then be taken to address issues of race, class, and ethnicity as they pertain to
gender as well as motivations for chosen behaviors. Within this framework women can
begin to expand their personal repertoire of perceived behavioral options, embrace
possibilities, and then work toward sustaining those behaviors over the long-term.
This curriculum is organized in a manner in which each sessions topic is generally
built upon knowledge gained and/or lessons learned during the previous session, although
sessions can be used in the order that makes sense to the program setting and group
member needs. For example, it may make more sense in an agency to expand one session
topic to two sessions, skip a session, and so forth. We have chosen to serve women who
have used force in groups in a program separate from the groups and program that includes
survivors who have not used force. Other agency settings and/or philosophies may not
allow for this. However, the curriculum is relevant to this group structure as it encourages
6
the facilitator to tailor each session to the needs of that particular group. Vista groups are
rolling admission and include women who are not survivors of domestic violence as well as
those who are.
By integrating women of diverse backgrounds and survivorship issues, we
intentionally encourage the confluence of divergent experiences that are both challenging
and affirming to group participants. Women who may not be appropriate for Vista services
are those who are disrespectful and/or intimidating to other women in group and do not
demonstrate the initiative to change that behavior. Furthermore, if a woman is referred by
the court for Vista services and is assessed by Vista staff to have used self-defensive
physical force due to an imminent threat on her life, then, she is referred on a voluntary
basis to the agencys support program for survivors. Vista staff then contact court personnel
in writing to explain the assessment outcomes and justifications for the amended referral to
specifically survivors services. Other agencies may not have this option. However, we
emphasize that advocacy for the women who have used force should be part of the larger
intervention picture.
Summary
Effective intervention is one part of a comprehensive systems approach to
addressing and/or resolving any social problem. At Vista an emphasis is placed on
advocacy, community education and prevention through trainings given to law enforcement,
court staff, state-level anti-domestic violence conferences, and educational institutions.
Serving women who have used force should include constant micro and macro-level
introspection. Intra and inter-agency dialogue where disagreement and controversial
ideas are welcome are part of what needs to be an ongoing conversation. We urge this
continued conversation of how best to serve women who have used force in their intimate
relationships. In the meantime, we believe these women deserve to have specific
contextualized, supportive intervention that has the potential to sustain them long after they
have ended Vista services. The decision to intervene in the lives of women who have used
force is a courageous one that must maintain focus on the core problem of mens violence
against women. We hope this evolving Vista curriculum will be a critical tool for those
engaged in contextually doing this important work.
In peace,
Lisa Young Larance, Allison Hoffman-Ruzicka, and Jane Baldwin Shivas
About the Authors

Lisa Young Larance is a Fulbright scholar who holds a Masters of Social Work Degree
from Washington University. In 2000, Lisa began her work at JBSW as a counselor and
advocate in survivor services. Lisa then co-created, implemented, and managed JBWS
Vista Program. Lisa continues to serve women who have used force in her position as the
RENEW Program Coordinator for Catholic Social Services of Washtenaw County in Ann
Arbor, Michigan (www.csswashtenaw.org/renew). Lisa co-created and moderates the
wcatch22 list serve, an information and resource sharing group for professionals committed
to thoughtfully addressing the complexities of working with women who have used force in
their intimate relationships. Lisa is a published author and national presenter on the topic of
womens use of force. In addition, Lisa is an Editorial Review Board member of the
international, interdisciplinary journal Violence Against Women.
Allison Hoffman-Ruzicka currently manages the Vista Program at JBWS Jersey Center for
Non-Violence. Allison holds a Masters of Counseling Psychology from the College of St.
Elizabeth. Allison began working at JBWS in 2001 in victims services, where she co-created
a parenting group curriculum and revised victims group curricula. Allison has participated in
panel presentations on the relationship between domestic violence and animal abuse.
Previously, Allison served as an adjunct instructor of undergraduate psychology at the
College of St. Elizabeth. Allison also has worked in a community mental health setting.
Jane Baldwin Shivas has worked at JBWS since 1981. During that time, she helped to
create and supervise the JBWS shelter, volunteer, legal advocacy, batterer intervention and
womens counseling programs. As Associate Executive Director, Jane has worked with
community agencies and organizations to develop collaborative projects that recruit and train
professionals and community volunteers to provide services to victims of domestic violence.
Honored by the New Jersey Coalition for Battered Women for contributions to their 20 year
history, Jane has organized statewide domestic violence conferences, and has presented
workshops at national conferences. Jane is a licensed clinical social worker and a Domestic
Violence Specialist. She earned a Bachelor of Social Work degree from The University of
Vermont and holds a Master's degree in Social Work from Rutgers University.
SESSION ONE
WHO I AM AND WHAT BROUGHT ME HERE
Goals
Group members may begin to:
Develop a more complete picture of themselves outside the confines of their

established roles and relationships
Own the behaviors that led to their Vista referrals
Recognize the factors contributing to their behaviors
Develop the belief that they may make different choices in the future
Group Format
1. Welcome, Introductions, Immediate Concerns and Announcements
Activities/Education
New member introductions are brief. Existing members are encouraged to connect with new
members. If immediate concerns are identified, the group facilitators will determine how best to
address the concerns. Although the modality of choice is group intervention, the facilitators will
determine if individual intervention is necessary for specific circumstances.
Facilitator(s) introduces self and welcomes new members.
Review confidentiality including limits and exceptions for new members.
Review safety issues for new members.
The importance of attendance and commitment are emphasized.
Rationale:
Provides a safe, supportive environment by offering information and setting boundaries.
2. Who I Am
Ask women to break into dyads and share at least five pieces of information about themselves.
Encourage women to think outside of their roles (wife, mother, daughter, accountant,
teacher, etc.) and also include information about their personalities, interests, hobbies,
goals and dreams.
Advise women that they will be reporting back to the other group members about the
person with whom they are paired.
Have women return to the larger group and share what they have learned about each other.
Ask women whether they often think of themselves in these ways, and whether they devote time
to exploring and nurturing multiple facets of themselves. Point out that each woman is a complex
individual and should be seen as a strong, courageous human being. Emphasize that the
incident(s) that brought each person here are but one part of each womans dynamic life. In other
words, her use of force does not define her.
Rationale:
Women often lose themselves in their familial roles and responsibilities. As part of their journey
toward increasing self-awareness and developing options, it may be helpful for them to reclaim
who they are and explore a more broad view of themselves.
3. What Brought Me Here

Discuss Vista Program philosophy. The philosophy is one that encourages women to explore
their past choices in an open, nonjudgmental, nonshaming environment, in order for each woman
to choose alternatives that may better suit a future without use of force.
Introduce the idea that many contextual factors surround womens decisions to use force.
This does not excuse their behavior but it does begin to provide context for the motivation,
intent, and impact behind their actions.
Provide examples of what some of those contextual factors may include, for example, the
relationships history, the womans family of origin, cultural messages, perceptions of
fairness in a relationship.
Discuss what options women felt were available to them at the time of the incident that led to
their Vista referral.
Explore how the situation developed in terms of determining points at which decisions were
made that led to use of force, emphasizing a healthy level of responsibility. Encourage them
to do so in a non-blaming way, without shaming themselves.
Begin to introduce the possibility of developing more healthful options for the future.
Acknowledge that there are gradual choices that can be made that can keep the women
safer in their relationships.
Encourage women to view their actions as choices, and to develop hope that, as they begin
to develop realistic options, they can make different choices in the future.
Distribute the History of Force handout. Encourage the women to consider writing their history,
both in terms of force they have used and force they have experienced. Explain that the goal of
this exercise is to help them on their journey by increasing their awareness of their situations
not shame them.
Rationale:
It may be difficult for women coming to group to see the value in the group philosophy of mutual
respect. By acknowledging the factors surrounding their past choices, we validate their
experiences and offer hope for the future. Talking about the incident can help to reduce shame.
4. Individual Process
Group members are offered individual time to address and process personal issues and
concerns. They are advised of the amount of time that remains for stating their thoughts and/or
feelings. It is the facilitators task to ensure that all who wish to speak have an opportunity to do
so. The content should center on self. A tendency to focus on the partner should be gently
discouraged. Group feedback is encouraged.
10
SESSION TWO
IDENTIFYING FORCEFUL BEHAVIORS, GOALS AND CONSEQUENCES
Goals
Name their forceful behaviors and recognize these behaviors as unhealthful

Learn the differences among use of force, violence and battering
Acknowledge the motivations and intent behind their use of force
Identify healthier alternatives for meeting these goals
Recognize the broad consequences of use of force in their lives
Group Format
1.
Welcome, Introductions, Immediate Concerns and Announcements

Rationale:
2.
Defining Use of Force as an Unhealthy Behavior

Distribute the Forceful Behaviors List and Power and Control Wheel (ADA-Revised). Explain that
the Power and Control Wheel was developed to illustrate male battering behavior. Point out that
it is only used for this session, and others, as an interim tool until an equivalent diagram
addressing the dynamics of womens use of force is developed. Ask members to share the
forceful behaviors they have used. List the behaviors on the board. Ask the group to process
feelings about disclosure as well as the experience of discussing their actions.
Encourage the women to view their actions within the full context of their relational
experiences in order to explain rather than excuse their behavior.
Provide safety planning as necessary both emotional and physical safety planning. For
example, encourage the women to: have important documents (insurance, passports, birth
certificates) in a safe place; have a safe place to go should the situation escalate; have a
change of clothes and extra pair of car keys at their disposal.
11
Group leaders discuss how breaking the silence can help address feelings of shame.
Differentiate among use of force, violence, abuse, and battering (Refer to Bible,
Dasgupta, and Osthoff, 2002; Dasgupta, 1999, 2002; DeKeseredy, 2006; Edelson, 1988; Garvin,
2003; Goodmark, 2008; House, 2001; Larance, 2006; Miller 2005; Miller and Meloy, 2006;
Osthoff, 2002; Pence and Dasgupta, 2006; Saunders; 1986; Schechter, 1982; Stark, 2007;
Worcester, 2002 for further analysis) as follows:
Use of force is a nonjudgmental umbrella term that refers to physically, verbally, and
emotionally detrimental behaviors used by one individual toward another in order to gain
short term control of abusive and/or coercively controlling relationship dynamics.
Violence is a general term that refers to any force used with the intention of causing
injury.
Abuse refers to isolated and random acts of violence.
Battering is a systematic pattern of events that may initially seem isolated. It is defined
and understood as a systematic pattern of violence, the threat of violence, and/or
coercively controlling behaviors and/or tactics, used with the intention of exerting power,
inducing fear, and/or controlling another person over a relationships long term. Coercive
control is the cornerstone of battering and, therefore, battering need not include physical
violence to be effective.
Distribute the Gender Differences in the Tactics and Effects of Force in Intimate Relationships
(Dasgupta,1999) and facilitate a discussion regarding the handouts content.
Explain that with respect to intimate partner violence the motivation, intent, and impact of
womens use of force are generally quite different from mens. The majority of women who have
sought Vistas services use force to gain short-term control of abusive relationship dynamics or to
signal their partner that they have had enough of the ongoing coercive control. However, when
women use force it does not achieve the desired result of short-term control. Instead, a womans
use of force puts her at increased risk of being harmed and escalates the level of violence in the
relationship. In contrast, the womans male partner typically uses battering tactics (refer to Power
and Control Wheel ADA Revised, Handout 2b) to gain long term relationship dominance. When
men batter women, mens battering tactics are generally effective at achieving the desired result
of long-term relationship control. Point out that there are exceptions to this generalization.
Explore the womens experiences.
Rationale:
Using force often is a source of shame for women and they may not have the language to discuss
their thoughts and/or feelings about those behaviors. By exploring use of force, the women break
their silence and address the shame they may feel about themselves and their behavior. They
also may realize that the group members can serve as a support network that may model
relationships of equity and mutual respect.
3. Goals of Forceful Behaviors

Acknowledge that women use force for a variety of reasons, and that each situation is different.
Note that, even when angry, womens use of force serves a purpose. Ask women to identify their
goals in using forceful behaviors and list them on one side of the board. The facilitator also should
keep a list of these goals for next session.
12
If not mentioned, add these common goals of women who have used force (Dasgupta, 1999;
Goodmark, 2008; House, 2001; Larance, 2006; Miller, 2005):
I wanted to gain control over a chaotic situation

I wanted him to stop abusing me
I wanted to stand up for myself
I wanted him to pay attention to me
I wanted him to take some responsibility
I wanted him to respect me
I wanted him to pay for his behavior
I wanted to hurt him because he threatened my family
I wanted to show him I am tough
Ask women if their actions had the desired results, and whether those results were lasting.
Acknowledge that many of the motivations may be related to normal, understandable needs
within relationships, such as being respected, heard, and physically and emotionally safe, while
emphasizing that use of force is not an appropriate route to achieving those goals. It is imperative
to remind women that, despite possible immediate benefits, using force increases the risk of
physical harm to themselves, their partners, and their children.
Rationale:
Recognizing the entirety of their motivations for using force and having these motivations
validated can be a new experience for women who have been treated punitively without
acknowledgement of the contextual factors surrounding their actions. By identifying healthy
alternatives or noting their absence, we are supplying group members with information and tools
that they can utilize in their recovery and healing.
4. Consequences of Using Force

Ask women to identify negative consequences for their use of force. List them on the other side of
the board. Encourage women to include both short and long-term consequences, and to think
about consequences not only in terms of legal repercussions and effects on their partners
behavior, but more broadly in terms of their relationships with their partners, children, and others
in their lives, as well as their self-images.
Facilitate discussion of womens feelings after considering the consequences of their actions.
Women may not have acknowledged some of the more painful consequences and may need an
opportunity to process this new awareness.
Rationale:
Use of force is often viewed through the lens of short-term and legal consequences and impact
on their partner. This discussion encourages clients to balance their view of this behavior in
terms of the longer-term results and the broader effects on their lives.
13
SESSION THREE
EFFECTS OF FORCE ON CHILDREN, FAMILY, FRIENDS AND/OR PETS (CFFP)
Goals
Develop an understanding that their unhealthy intimate relationship dynamics

directly and indirectly negatively affect their CFFP
Reveal, in a safe nonjudgmental environment, continuing challenges and concerns
regarding the impact their intimate relationships have had on their CFFP
Group Format
Rationale:
2. Introduction: Use of Forces Impact on Family and Friends

Women who use force in the home are often unaware of or in denial about the impact their
behavior may have on their children, family members, friends, and/or pets. This may be a
particularly difficult session because: 1) women often feel shame when they recognize how their
behavior may have hurt others and 2) women often relate childhood experiences of being
subjected to violence. Caution the women of the range of feelings they may experience during
this session. Emphasize that releasing self judgment and honoring their personal process of
change is critical.
Encourage the women to discuss the following issues:
Are child protective services involved in the familys life?
Are there custody issues that are being worked out or are particularly challenging
at this time?
14
Is visitation an issue between women and their current/former partners?
Rationale:
Because this topic is particularly challenging for the women, it is critical that the topic is
introduced in a gradual manner that is sensitive to each womans circumstances. By providing
caution about possible feelings that may arise, and then asking general questions to guide the
women into conversation, the facilitators provide each woman the opportunity to safely explore a
potentially painful subject.
3. More Specific Impact on CFFP
Play part of the video Secret Wounds (www.childdevelopmentmedia.com) for the group, choosing
the vignettes that are most appropriate for your group.
Facilitate discussion of the video as an entre to contemplating how the womens children may
have been affected by the womens use of force in the relationship. Encourage the women to
discuss how their actions may have impacted children, family, friends, and/or pets in the following
ways:
Physically: CFFP may display physical symptoms of ill health, may demonstrate
agitation, or exhibit new behaviors. Children and pets are at increased risk of physical
harm, deliberate or incidental, when force occurs in the home.
Socially: CFFP may experience problems in their bonds with others or with the
group members.
Cognitively: CFFP may begin using aggression rather than verbal communication to
get what they want because they witnessed it from the group member or her partner.
Encourage women to consider effects on family, friends, coworkers, and others. Friends or family
members may have become isolated or more distant, may disapprove of the group members
choices, or alternatively may have displayed unexpected support. Women may have isolated
themselves, withdrawing from relationships that are important to them, possibly in an effort to
keep secret their use of force or abuse they are experiencing. Perhaps women have displayed
signs of stress from abuse in the home or their own use of force, becoming short tempered with
others. Coworkers may have had to assume some of the group members responsibilities due to
lost time at work related to abuse or use of force in their relationships.
Rationale:
This exercise provides each woman the opportunity to more specifically address possible
challenges with her CFFP due to intimate relationship dynamics.
15
SESSION FOUR
RELATIONSHIP NEEDS
Goals:
Identify relationship needs

Distinguish among needs, wants, and strategies for meeting needs
Determine if their strategies for meeting their needs are healthful and effective
Group Format
Rationale:
2. Your Relationship Needs

Note that everyone has relationship needs and assure women it is not selfish or self-centered to
have needs. Explain that contributing to the fulfillment of each partners needs is crucial to
building and maintaining healthy relationships. Ask women to brainstorm what their needs are.
Record their responses on the board.
Distribute the List of Needs handout. Explain that this is a list of needs that most people have to
varying degrees. Ask women to identify what category the needs they listed fall under and
indicate their feedback on the board. Ask women to identify needs that are important to them that
they had not listed previously and record on the board. Refer back to the list of goals for using
force from last weeks session. Ask women to state which need relates to each goal they listed for
using force.
Rationale:
Having ones needs met is vital to feelings of well-being and satisfaction in a relationship.
Identifying relationship needs helps women connect motivations for their behaviors to their
actions. It also provides the potential for change as well as increased compassion for the self.
Women may not feel entitled to have needs, based on societal messages they have received
16
regarding being a woman, wife, or mother. Those who do feel entitled may be meeting their
needs in unhealthful ways. See next section.
3. Strategies for Meeting Needs

Introduce the concept of strategies we use to have needs met, i.e., the concrete behaviors used
by ourselves or our partners to fulfill needs. These may include ways women meet their own
needs directly, ways in which they behave in order to elicit a particular response from their
partners, or behaviors by their partners. An example would be that communication can help meet
the need for emotional support.
Delineate between needs as being essential to healthful human life, while strategies are ways we
would like those needs to be met. Strategies, in contrast to needs, can be thought of as wants.
Emphasize that each woman has a right to determine which strategies she prefers, but that
others are not required to abide by them.
Help the women identify which, if any, needs they listed are actually strategies. Then, identify
which of the needs those strategies attempt to meet. Encourage women to brainstorm other
strategies they or their partners use that meet their needs. Record their responses on the board.
While going through the needs list, ask women if they feel their needs are being met. For those
needs identified as unmet, encourage exploration of whether the needs are not being met at all or
whether they are not being met through the womans preferred strategy. For those needs
identified as met, ask women if they are satisfied with the strategies being used to meet them. For
those who state dissatisfaction with their strategies, have the group members brainstorm
alternative strategies. Ask the women how they feel, and subsequently behave, when their needs
are not being met.
Introduce the concept of being responsible for meeting ones own needs. Remind women that
while a goal of a healthful relationship is to help each other meet needs; ultimately each individual
has the responsibility to do this for themselves. Discourage any focus on what a partner should
do. Encourage women to consider whether they are stuck on having their needs met in a
particular way, and to consider what information it gives them about their relationship if their
partner does not make an effort to meet their needs. Distinguish between disregard for their
needs by their partners and partners using strategies different from what they want. Ask women
to consider assertively asking their partners to meet their needs through particular strategies. Is
this something they could safely and comfortably do? What response would they anticipate?
Rationale:
Distinguishing between needs and strategies may help women determine what is truly essential
to their relationships and become more flexible in how needs may be met. Accepting
responsibility for meeting ones own needs can decrease resentments in the relationship.
Recognizing the effects of unmet needs can provide insight into unhealthy behavioral responses
and develop awareness of the level at which change may need to occur to support ongoing
behavioral change.
17
SESSION FIVE
CULTURAL MESSAGES AND RESPONSIBILITIES

Goals:
Identify cultural and societal messages about women and womens roles in intimate
relationships
Discuss how these messages affect their choices
Develop an understanding of how these messages may promote vulnerability and
imbalance of power in relationships
Explore the concept of responsibility in intimate relationships, with regard to use of
force within the context of cultural influence
Group Format
Rationale
2. Cultural & Societal Messages: Women in Intimate Relationships

Provide a background about social and cultural messages by asking the women: What is a
cultural message? Then expand. As you expand, ask members what socio-cultural messages
they have received about being female. Write their responses on the board. Example: Women
are submissive.
Ask members to share the messages they have received about male gender roles. Record their
responses.
Ask members how they feel about differences between the roles.
Explore whether members feel these messages about gender differences affect their relationship
options. Do they feel more vulnerable to abuse or use of force as a result?
Encourage group members to view their experiences through the lens of socialization rather than
pathology or generalized labels such as dependency, enable, or poor self-esteem.
18
Distribute the Culture Wheel (D.A.I.P.) handout. Facilitate a discussion based on the wheel
segments. Encourage the women to apply relevant categories to their experiences.
Rationale:
This exercise is designed to widen the lens through which women view themselves. By
examining socialization and gender roles we encourage members to reject the definition of mens
violence against women as a womans problem and see it as a social problem. Although
members of our groups have learned the basics of power and control, they have not explored the
tenets of their own personal power and the impact of gender on their self-perception.
3. Responsibility
Ask women what responsibilities they feel they have in their intimate relationships. Record their
responses.
Have they chosen to take on these responsibilities? If not, where did the responsibilities evolve
from? Were divisions of responsibility or who does what discussed with their partners or
assumed? If assumed, are responsibilities divided along traditional gender roles?
Are these responsibilities realistic? (i.e., being responsible for anothers happiness, being solely
responsible for maintaining the relationship, etc.)
Distribute the Needs List used last session. Ask women which of their partners needs they meet
through these responsibilities. Record their responses on the board. Ask women if their partners
appear satisfied with the strategies they use to meet their partners needs. Remind women that
their behaviors in this area are choices, and to give themselves credit for choosing to attempt to
meet their partners needs. At the same time, encourage the women to consider which
responsibilities and/or strategies are not working for their partner or are too burdensome for
women to maintain. Encourage them to think of strategies that are healthful for everyone. Also
encourage women to remember how they feel when their needs are not being met, and to apply
those responses to their partners.
Ask women to whom they feel responsible for having used force. Explore responses. How can
women demonstrate this responsibility? It is crucial to encourage appropriate behavioral
ownership while gently discouraging self-shame.
Rationale:
Through exploration of the sources of their feelings of responsibility, and whether those
responsibilities are equitable in the relationship, women develop a foundation for understanding.
That foundation may facilitate more informed decisions about responsibility-taking in the future.
4.
Individual Process
19
SESSION SIX
DEFENSE MECHANISMS AND SURVIVAL SKILLS

Goals:
Understand and identify their defense mechanisms

Honor their responses as they explore possible alternatives
Recognize their self-talk patterns
Begin to challenge negative self-talk
Group Format
Rationale:
2. Defense Mechanisms
Define defense mechanisms as thought patterns and behaviors that allow us to deal with difficult
or threatening circumstances and continue functioning. Encourage group members to respect
this function rather than disparage it.
Everyone has defenses; we could not survive in the world without them.
Generally the more elaborate the defense mechanism, the more vulnerable someone
feels.
The difficulty that defense mechanisms present is that they sometimes become so much
of a habit that even when the danger is past, people may continue to use them. Defense
mechanisms reach a point where they are no longer productive and may hinder our
ability to grow and attain optimum functioning.
Distribute the handout titled Defense Mechanisms. Review it briefly. Ask members to discuss
the defenses they feel they use most often. Note responses on the board.
20
Reframe some of the defenses that the group has identified as survival skills.
Acknowledge that initially it may be difficult for women to name their behavior as
protective.
Facilitate exploration of the costs and benefits of the defense mechanisms they employ.
Continue to emphasize that they are responsible for their behavior. They can choose
which survival skills continue to be useful and when there are healthier, more useful ways
to cope.
Rationale:
This exercise encourages group members to understand their defensive functioning and respect
their ability to be self-protective. With this knowledge they can begin to explore how defense
mechanisms that served them well at one time can potentially hinder growth and self-awareness
going forward. For example, some women who are using force in their present relationship are
not currently in battering relationships but, we have found, that many of these women
experienced battering in previous relationships and now that they feel comparatively safe in the
current relationship are more likely to respond forcefully due to unaddressed survivorship issues.
3. Self-Talk
Write the following modified quote on the board: People are not disturbed by events, but by the
view they take of them. Adapted from Epictetus, a Greek Philosopher
Ask group members for their interpretation of this quote. Almost every minute of our conscious
lives we engage in self-talk, our internal thoughts. These are the words and concepts with which
we describe and interpret our world. Self-talk is the silent, conscious process of thoughts that run
through an individuals mind. It is, in other words, internal conversation. Self-talk is often
repetitive and often has tremendous power in influencing emotions and actions. Examples are: I
cant do anything right, Im always, I never.
Self-talk can be rooted in our beliefs about ourselves and our world, defense mechanisms, or
messages we have received from others, such as parents or partners.
Distribute the handout That Internal Dialogue: Meeting the Challenge. Ask women which
statements they may say to themselves regularly. Facilitate womens development of challenges
to those statements.
Rationale:
If our self-talk is accurate and healthy, we function well. If it is distorted or inaccurate then we
experience stress and emotional disturbance that results in a lower-level of functioning.
21
SESSION SEVEN
BOUNDARIES
Goals:
Define boundaries
Understand the impact of boundary violations
Learn to strengthen their personal boundaries
Recognize that changing personal boundaries may present a safety risk
Group Format
Rationale:
2. Boundaries and Boundary Violations Defined

Begin the discussion by introducing boundaries. Ask the women for feedback on what
boundaries mean to them. Provide the following diagram as an overview:
After the group has had ample time to brainstorm, provide a general definition of boundaries that
borrows from the groups input.
Boundaries are conceptual tools that help us define ourselves and our identity.
22
Boundaries are a way to develop comfort levels within relationships and a way to protect
ourselves from violations of our rights and privacy.
Boundary violations are when our rights and privacy are challenged or invaded.
In order for the group members to better understand boundaries and boundary violations,
illustrate three aspects of self on the board. Ask group members to offer examples of what they
see as a violation of boundaries.
Intellectual
Discounting ideas/thoughts
Unclear/contradictory rules
Lack of choices
Physical
Sexual abuse
Lack of privacy
Unwelcome touch
Emotional
Discounting feelings
Unacknowledged needs
Being criticized
When boundaries are blurred, violated or unclear, the following experiences may result:
Erosion of identity, low self-esteem

Self-blame, isolation, failure to self-protect
Difficulty trusting others, failure to assess danger
Rationale:
It is not unusual for women living in chaotic relationships to have difficulty with self-definition and
the ability to define and/or set limits for themselves. By defining boundaries and boundary
violations specifically, we offer women the tools to proactively self-protect in a sustainable
manner.
3. Boundaries and Boundary Violations in Unhealthy Relationships
Group members are asked to identify a boundary violation they have become aware of in their
intimate relationships.
Ask group members to think about whether they would like to strengthen their personal
boundaries. If so, what changes would they like to make?
Encourage the group members to see their boundary work as breaking new ground.
Remind group members that, by learning about boundaries and understanding how their
boundaries are violated, they are challenging power and control dynamics in the
relationship.
Remind group members that a powerful way to assimilate new information is to think
about what they have learned and how it applies to their daily lives.
It is not necessary to immediately correct years of boundary violations. Awareness is a

key factor in growth and recovery. When introducing new behaviors into a relationship it
is best to proceed gradually. Change takes time for the person making the change and
those experiencing that change second-hand.
Emphasize that by making changes in their personal boundaries members may present a
challenge to their personal safety. Plan for anticipated and unanticipated challenges to
safety.
Rationale:
By exploring how the concept of boundaries relates to their personal lives, the women will have
the opportunity to begin to build more healthful relational boundaries.
23
4. Boundary Violations in Childhood and Family of Origin (optional)

Gauge the group atmosphere when considering whether or not to conduct this section. If the
group is cohesive and members are well acquainted with one another, this topic may be
appropriate. If the group is less cohesive and group members are relatively unfamiliar, this
section may not be appropriate because it will shift the focus from the present relationship to
difficult past issues. Many women who use force report that they have experienced boundary
violations in their families of origin. These violations can range from being ignored and devalued
to sexual and emotional abuse. Ask group members to break into pairs and discuss boundary
violations they have experienced (or still experience) in their families of origin. Ask members to
share their discussions with the larger group. Introduce the following questions:
Can members identify any boundary violations in childhood or their family of origin?
Are any of these violations or blurred boundaries similar to abuse experienced in their
intimate relationships?
Are there feelings they had in childhood that they currently experience in their intimate
relationship?
5. Building Healthy Boundaries

Explain it is never too late for group members to build appropriate boundaries for themselves. No
matter what issues they are facing, better boundaries have the potential to improve the
relationship and elevate self-esteem. There are five ways to improve boundaries:
1)
2)
3)
4)
5)
Increase self-awareness.
Examine current relational boundaries.
Identify reasonable changes.
Begin to take action.
Identify childhood violations.
Ask the group members to identify one way they each can improve their present boundary
structure.
What is their present situation and what would they like it to be?
Using the framework listed above, how can they develop a plan to improve their
boundaries?
What is their plan?
Rationale:
This is an action step designed to offer a framework for building better boundaries and offers
group members an opportunity to identify a situation and develop a plan.
6.
Individual Process
24
SESSION EIGHT
ANGER: A HEALTHY EMOTION
Goals
Define feeling the anger emotion as a natural, healthy experience

Understand that feeling angry does not make someone a bad person
Appreciate that anger never walks alone because it usually covers up feelings of
sadness, fear, remorse, frustration, etc.
Recognize that feeling angry does not entitle someone to use forceful behaviors
Group Format
Rationale:
2. Define Anger
Write the word ANGER on the dry erase board. Ask the women to offer words or thoughts that
come to mind when they hear or see the word anger. Let them know that it is up to them, as a
group and as individuals, to define the term for themselves. There is not one correct definition
nor is there a wrong answer. Throughout this process emphasize that anger never walks
alone. In other words, anger is an emotion that covers up vulnerable emotions such as sadness,
fear, frustration, hurt, remorse, etc. Peeling away the anger layers and identifying the underlying
emotions is critical for true healing and/or behavioral change to occur.
Rationale:
Brainstorming can encourage expression of feelings among group members. Being re-introduced
to the anger emotion as a natural, healthy emotion can be a pivotal experience in terms of feeling
validated and making sustainable change for the future. This, in turn, provides the women the
opportunity to see themselves as healthy, strong individuals.
25
3. Anger in Response to Unmet Needs

Encourage the women to recognize that anger may be the result of unmet and/or unrealistic
expectations for the relationship. Present the concept of using anger as a pathway for
recognizing when their needs are not being met and/or their boundaries are being violated.
Anger can be reframed as an alarm system of sorts, alerting them to issues that need to be
addressed.
Ask women to identify what needs are not being met when they feel angry or any of the
other emotions listed in the prior exercise.
Redistribute the Needs List to promote a full range of responses. After everyone has
stated their thoughts and contributed feedback, refer to the responses written on the
board.
Emphasize the themes as well as the diversity of the feedback. Provide connections and
encourage any thoughts and/or feelings the women have about the feedback as a group.
Reinforce the concept that having these needs is normal and healthy, and that having a
strong emotional response to unmet needs is also normal. However, how one handles
these emotions is critical. Remind women that they are ultimately responsible for meeting
their own needs and for their own behaviors.
Rationale:
Identifying needs related to their anger can provide women with insight into the root causes of
their anger. Through this exercise, women may begin to reduce feelings of helplessness, and
therefore be better able to control their anger by calmly recognizing their personal responsibility
for meeting their needs and being reminded of other avenues for meeting these needs.
4. Explore the Concept of Anger

It is often a unique experience for the women to define anger as a natural, healthy emotion rather
than indicative of personal deviance. During this session it is critical to point out that there is
nothing inherently wrong with feeling angry or the anger emotion. How an individual chooses to
express her anger, however, makes the difference in how she sees herself and is able to
maintain relationships.
Ask the women to identify multiple ways that have been historically/culturally
appropriate for women to express anger. Write the responses on the dry erase board.
Ask the women to identify multiple ways that that are historically/culturally appropriate
for men to express anger. Write the responses on the dry erase board.
Make comparisons between the two categories. Look for similarities and/or differences.
Point out that by using force, many of the women have acted in a counter-cultural
manner. Therefore, friends, family, the court system, law enforcement, etc. may have
held the women to a higher standard than a woman who presented as the paradigmatic
victim (Goodmark, 2008). Has this happened to the women? How did they feel?
Address how anger (as an emotion and the accompanying behavioral choices) was
expressed in the group members family of origin. Did her parents/caregivers allow her to
express her anger? Did they provide her tools to appropriately express her anger? For
example, was she provided a safe place to vent her feelings or was she told to shut up
and go to her room? Explore.
26
Encourage group members to think about behaviors they currently use to express anger.
Write their responses on the board.
Suggest that there is power in naming behaviors chosen in the past as well as the
individuals ideal future behaviors. Emphasize that focusing on self-shame and
judgment of self and/or others detracts from healing.
Ask the women how they would like to express their anger in the future. Write responses
on the dry erase board. Help the women bridge the gap between behaviors used in the
past, behaviors used now, and those they would like to practice. Drawing an actual
bridge between response categories may provide a powerful graphic.
Emphasize that behavioral change is a process that takes time and practice.
Rationale:
An enlightening experience for many women is the opportunity to discuss (safely and without
judgment) an emotion that they may have been vilified for feeling and/or expressing. Within a
group of women who have been, or feel they have been, marginalized by their culture or society
for their expression of anger, this discussion has the potential to be an empowering event.
27
SESSION NINE
CONFLICT MANAGEMENT
Goals
Recognize situations in their lives where conflict tends to occur

Identify their conflict management styles and explore alternatives
Explore the consequences of unresolved conflicts
Group Format
Rationale:
2. Areas of Conflict
Note that people often experience problems in their relationships associated with finances,
household responsibilities, parenting, communication, etc. Acknowledge that some problems
result in conflict between two or more people. This is possible despite the best efforts of one
person to resolve the problem amicably.
Ask members to identify issues or situations that typically result in tension or conflict with their
partners. Record their responses on the board. Encourage specificity.
28
3. Conflict Resolution Style

We may be unaware of the pattern(s) we use to handle conflict. The appropriate action can
increase self-confidence, increase self-esteem, improve relationships, reduce anger, reduce
anxiety and reduce guilt.
Define the five Conflict Management Styles. Write the definitions on the board:
Competing: (I win, You lose) You seek to win your position at the expense of the other party.
Collaborating: (I win, You win) You cooperate with the other party to find a resolution with a
mutually satisfying outcome.
Avoiding: (I lose, You lose) You avoid, postpone, or prevent a conflict and neither party wins
because the conflict remains unresolved.
Accommodating: (I lose, You win) You put aside your needs and desires and give in to the
other persons demands.
Compromising: (We both win, We both lose) You resolve the conflict quickly and efficiently
by seeking a fair and equitable split between your respective positions.
Ask women which style(s) they typically use in their relationships. Encourage discussion based
on the following questions:
How effective are their conflict management styles in their relationships? Consider
effectiveness in terms of resolving the conflict as well as maintaining self-respect and
boundaries. Acknowledge that some conflicts may not be able to be resolved despite one
persons best efforts.
How do they feel about their style choices?
Are there any changes they would like to make?
Emphasize that each person and situation is unique and there is not one best method
that works in every scenario. However, becoming aware of how each response is
perceived by others and impacts their self-respect may allow clients to become more
skilled and comfortable in resolving conflicts.
Rationale:
This process facilitates womens understanding of their conflict management style and aides in
their recognition of their actions possible effects. Appropriate conflict resolution approaches can
increase self-confidence, self-esteem, and improve relationships, as well as reduce anger,
anxiety and guilt. This process allows women to recognize how they may improve their approach
to a conflict by incorporating a different style of conflict resolution.
4. Consequences of Unresolved Conflict Resentment?

Ask women what the consequences are when conflicts with their partner go unresolved, or
appear to be resolved but then occur again. Record their responses on the board. Common
responses may include: resentment, frustration, feeling powerless.
Point out that built up resentments and frustrations can contribute to use of force. Each womans
use of force occurred in the context of her relationship, including all of the unresolved issues that
may be ignored, suppressed (stuffed), or thought to have been let go.
29
Encourage women to consider whether they are stuck in a pattern of responding with their
partners that is not effective for them, looking at their behavioral as well as verbal responses, i.e.,
stating that ones partner needs to handle some of the household responsibilities but continuing
to do them oneself. Ask the group to brainstorm ways of breaking those patterns and/or
decreasing their feelings of resentment, frustration, etc.
Remind the group that one can only change oneself.
Point out that if we do not make the changes we need, we send the message that our
needs can be ignored and may remove motivation for our partners to make any changes
themselves.
Recognize that change may take time, and that any change must be tailored to the
individual. For example, some women may choose to not fulfill certain household
responsibilities if their partners dont participate as well; others may not be able to
tolerate leaving things undone. Encourage women to be realistic about the changes they
would like to make.
Highlight the importance of safety when considering any changes in the relationship.
Distribute the handout Guidelines for Conflict Resolution. If time allows, discuss within the group
and solicit feedback from women regarding whether they feel they could implement those
guidelines. Ask whether it would be easier for them to try out the guidelines in one particular area
of their lives than another.
Rationale:
Women may believe they have let go of unresolved conflict and its emotional results when in
fact they have suppressed them. Increased awareness of the frustration or resentment that may
build in their relationships can allow women the opportunity to address these feelings before they
escalate to use of force. Recognizing behavioral patterns in the relationship may facilitate
development of options, and in turn increase the sense of personal power in the relationship.
30
SESSION TEN
RELEASING JUDGMENT
Goals:
Distinguish between emotions and judgments

Accept ownership of their emotional experience
Recognize that they are not responsible for others emotions
Group Format
Rationale:
2. Emotions versus Judgments
Introduce the concept that, in our society and language, what we often categorize as feelings in
fact may be judgments of anothers behavior or of a situation. A prime example is anytime the
word feel is followed by the word that or like, i.e., I feel that you dont do your share around
the house.
Explain that when we frame our feelings in terms focusing on another person or a situation, it
prevents us from fully experiencing our own emotions. Furthermore, when the judgments we
make are negative, resentment or anxiety may build. Identifying and expressing our feelings gives
us the opportunity to connect with ourselves and others in a more compassionate way. To do
that, we need to be able to distinguish between words that genuinely express feelings from other
words that may appear to do so, but do not. Just because the word feel is in the sentence, it
does not mean that a feeling has been expressed.
Ask women to identify how they feel when their relationship needs are not being met. Record
their responses on the board. Then ask women to identify which responses are emotions and
which are judgments of anothers behavior or words that describe anothers behavior, such as
abused, neglected, ignored, unloved. Distribute the Feelings List. Ask women which feelings they
31
are having when they describe their partners behaviors as abusive, neglectful, ignoring, or
unloving.
Rationale:
Through identifying and allowing themselves to fully experience their emotions, women may
begin to more authentically experience their relationships. Releasing judgment may promote
open, respectful communication and reduce resentment and conflict in relationships.
3. Where Do Emotions Come From?
Describe a situation in which a person drops a coffee cup on the sidewalk and walks away (or
another more relevant example).
Ask the group members how they feel when thinking about that situation.
Does everyone express the same feeling?
What were the thoughts and judgments going through their minds?
Explain that emotions arise based on our thoughts about and assessments of situations, others
behavior or our own behavior. We are never the cause of other peoples feelings. Other people
are never the cause of our feelings. We have to be careful to accept responsibility for our
feelings and not blame others for them, as well as not to accept responsibility for others
emotions. This can be a difficult concept to absorb. Copy the diagram below onto the board to
illustrate.
Other
Persons
Action
Our own
Judgments/
Thoughts
Our Feelings
Other peoples actions may trigger us to think in a certain way or make judgments about
the person or situation. We also may make judgments about whether or not our needs
are being. These thoughts lead to our feelings. The situation or the other person is never
the cause of our feelings.
The cause of our feelings is our own thoughts and judgments about the person or the
situation.
Examining our reactions, (what thoughts and judgments do we have?) when we make the
choice of how to respond, will help us gain awareness and clarity so that we can choose
to respond in ways that will better serve us and others.
Point out that we relinquish our personal power when we think and speak in terms such
as You make me feel. Encourage women to respond to and discuss this information.
What effect does it have on them when they think or say, He/she/it makes me so angry?
Ask a member to share a situation to which she has a strong emotional reaction. Ask her to share
the following and record responses on the board:
A description of the situation in terms of specific behaviors, without judging, analyzing,
labeling, etc.
The thoughts and judgments she has about the situation. Ask other group members to
suggest other possible analyses of the situation.
The feelings she has about the situation.
Has this exercise affected how she sees or feels about the situation?
32
Rationale:
Recognizing and accepting their responsibility for their emotional experience may empower
women. Owning their emotions may be a pivotal step toward accepting appropriate behavioral
ownership.
4.
Individual Process
33
SESSION ELEVEN
SHAME
Goals:
Acknowledge shame they may feel for their actions

Recognize how their shame manifests itself
Explore how to proactively reduce shame and move beyond feeling shameful
Group Format
Rationale:
2. Shame: Illustration Exercise

Distribute art materials such as paper, crayons, colored pens, etc. Explain to the group members
that they will be asked to illustrate, rather than discuss, what shame feels like to them. Be
prepared for some members to express discomfort with the concept. Explain that the purpose of
this exercise is not to produce outstanding art work. Instead, the purpose is to engage in a
nonverbal process that explores a powerful, and often disabling, emotion. By doing this through
artwork, the women are provided the opportunity for self-expression that, many times, words
alone cannot capture. After ample time is provided, ask each woman to present her illustration of
shame. Ask for feedback from the group, as appropriate.
If the women state that they do not feel shame for their actions and/or situations then, ask
them to illustrate a powerful emotion they have experienced as a result of their use of
force.
Remind the group that they do not have to feel a particular way.
34
Emphasize that this session is simply an opportunity to explore an emotion that many
women, in similar situations, have expressed feeling.
They need to feel as safe rejecting the emotion as they should feel embracing the
emotion.
Keep the focus on what the women are feeling and what they want to be feeling. Remind
them that this process is part of their journey.
Expect that the session will be experienced differently by three general categories of
women served: (a) women who use force from a sense of entitlement and a position of
control as a consequence of prior victimization; (b) women whose partners are controlling
them, whose primary feelings are frustration and rage, who therefore respond forcefully,
and (c) women, who may be defined broadly as primary aggressors, who initiate
unprovoked aggressive reactions.
Rationale:
Because this is a difficult topic for most women to discuss it is important to ease into the exercise.
3. Definitions and Possible Sources of Shame

Review the definition of shame.
Definition of Shame. Vista group members have defined shame in the following ways: feeling
inferior to everyone else; feeling exposed to others in a very painful manner; a sense of total
failure as a person; feeling alienated from others and ourselves; feeling humiliated, discouraged,
and full of despair; feeling totally and utterly worthless. Shame exists in a system of
perfectionism and leads to expectations of rejection, rigidity, isolation, and despair. It may be
helpful to explain that shame is experienced as I am a horrible person, whereas guilt, in
contrast, is feeling that I did a horrible thing. A handout identifying the difference between
feeling shame and guilt may be helpful.
Sources of Shame
Discuss various ways shame is learned. Ask group members to share examples. List an
overview of the sources of shame as follows:
Overt Shaming - may occur when a caregiver tells a child she is incapable and unskilled.
Trauma catalyzed by physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse may also instill shame.
Covert Shaming - may be learned when caregivers model shame based relationships
with others or with themselves. By witnessing caregivers being abusive or destructive to
themselves or others a child may learn to feel shameful. Family secrets may contribute to
this type of shame.
Cultural Shaming - is learned when we fail to meet the expectations of institutions such
as religion, socio-economic class, or the media. It can include race, ethnicity, gender,
sexual orientation, and ageism.
Again, if women state that they do not feel shameful for their actions do not judge or force them to
feel one way or another. Explain that this is their journey and their opportunity to explore their
situations. Encourage the women to state the emotions they do experience. For women who are
35
minimizing, denying or blaming their use of force on their partner, provide gentle guidance as you
discourage the tendency to engage in minimization, denial, and/or blame.
Rationale:
The discussion of shame may cause some group members to blame themselves for feeling the
emotion. By developing a clear understanding of shame and its origins we assist women in
understanding that there are many influences that contribute to the emotion, and it is natural to
feel this way.
4. Beyond Shame
Distribute the handout Forgiving the Self to help differentiate between shame and healthy guilt,
and to begin to discuss ways to heal from shame. Encourage the group to brainstorm ways they
can begin to move beyond their shame. Explain that by owning their behaviors and experiences
they may gradually resolve their negative feelings and look forward to a life without shame. Write
thoughts and feelings on the board. Encourage empowering feedback. Focus on strategic
survivorship. Point out that their lives are complex and complicated. Emphasize that the chaos
they are experiencing now is time-limited and but only one small part of their full life experiences.
Rationale:
By sharing thoughts and possible alternatives to feeling shameful within a group setting, each
woman has the opportunity to break free of her isolation, have her feelings validated, and begin to
move beyond feeling shameful. Be mindful that shame should be touched upon throughout many
group sessions as it is a challenging emotion to work through.
This session, in part, is adapted from Hamlet, N. (1998). Women Who Abuse in Intimate Relationships. Minneapolis,
Minnesota: Domestic Abuse Project.
36
SESSION TWELVE
PERCEPTIONS: WHAT IS STRONG? WHAT IS WEAK?
Goals:
Recognize how they personally perceive strength and weakness in themselves

and others
Understand how they want others to perceive their personal strengths and
weakness and how they may try to shape those perceptions
Begin to deconstruct how personal perceptions of strengths and weaknesses may
shape communication styles
Group Format
Rationale:
2. Strong vs. Weak

Explain how life experiences including family of origin issues, societal norms, and institutional
affiliations (among others) shape the way each individual perceives what strong vs. weak
behavior incorporates. Ask the women to identify what being strong in a relationship means to
them. For example, is it a sign of strength to take a time out? Write their responses in a column
on the board. Many women who are just beginning the group may believe that time-outs are a
sign of weakness while many group veterans may be more likely to identify time-outs as signs of
strength. Allow the women ample opportunity to brainstorm and share their ideas.
Next, ask the women how they want to be perceived by others, for example, as strong, weak,
tough, passive, thoughtful, intelligent, etc. Write their responses on the board in a column next to
the previous feedback.
37
Lastly, ask the women what behaviors they use to shape others perceptions of them. For
example, At work I never waiver on a decision lest I be seen as weak or At home I have to
shout at my kids or they will run me over. Write these responses in a third column on the board.
In reflection ask the women to look at the three columns:
1) How they personally perceive strength and weakness.
2) How they want to be perceived by others.
3) Behaviors they use to shape others perceptions of them.
Do these behaviors shape others perceptions in the desired way?
Rationale:
By exploring what strength and weakness mean to them and how they want to be perceived, the
group members have the opportunity to explore their thought processes and behavioral choices
as they pertain to the contexts of their situations. This exploration begins to lay the foundation for
work in the next session on understanding different verbal communication styles and why
particular styles may be preferable or not.
3. Permission to Choose
Remind the women that although they may have long-held perceptions about concepts such as
strength and weakness they may, over time, find that their perceptions no longer align with
desired behavioral changes in their lives. Begin a conversation about how people may choose to
change over time and how change may be a natural progression but is certainly one of personal
choice. Emphasize that simply raising awareness about long-held beliefs is a critical step on a
life long journey of exploration and empowerment. Encourage women to consider whether they
feel they have had choices regarding how they want to be perceived by others. Is it a survival skill
to shape their partners perceptions of them in a particular way (perhaps as strong, perhaps as
passive)?
Rationale:
By speaking about perceptions and then facilitating an empowering conversation that centers
upon possibilities for personal change, if desired, the group members are given the opportunity to
reflect upon what may motivate their behaviors and be more receptive to identifying current verbal
communication patterns in the next session.
4.
Individual Process
38
SESSION THIRTEEN
EFFECTIVELY EXPRESS YOURSELF
Goals:
Recognize different verbal communication styles

Understand that verbal communication should focus on their thoughts and feelings
rather than their partners thoughts and feelings
Learn effective ways to express their thoughts and feelings
Group Format
Rationale:
2. Verbal Communication Styles

Explain that verbal communication can generally be categorized in the following ways:
Passive
Passive-Aggressive
Aggressive
Assertive
Write each term on the dry erase board. Ask group members to define each term by
brainstorming. Write the responses on the board under each category. Explain that one style is
39
not inherently wrong or ineffective. Point out that context is critical to understanding the
motivation, intent, and impact behind each communication style. After group members have had
adequate time to define the terms as a group, provide the following general definitions:
Passive. An individual denies her feelings by not stating how she feels. By ignoring
her thoughts/feelings/ideas she teaches others to ignore them as well.
Passive-Aggressive. An individual expresses her anger indirectly. For example, she

may say she is not angry but then slam the door to passively express her anger.
Aggressive. An individual states and/or expresses her feelings at the expense of

others. Although this style is direct, it violates the rights of others and puts the
individual at risk of having her rights violated.
Assertive. An individual communicates in a manner that respectfully states her

feelings and/or thoughts.
Ask the women to identify what their typical communication style is. Once they have identified
their style, ask if they are satisfied with that style.
If they are satisfied, ask them to explain why.

If the style is, for example, aggressive and the woman states she is happy with that style,
explore the consequences and possible consequences with her. Emphasize that this is
her process but that she alone may have to live with unanticipated results of her actions.
If group members are not satisfied with their communication styles, ask them to explain
why they are not satisfied. Then explore what changes they would like to make.
Remind women that if they are in abusive relationships, making changes to their
communication styles with their partners may increase their risk of harm. In such cases,
encourage women to view their communication styles as part of their safety strategies.
This may be particularly important for women who judge themselves negatively for
communicating passively with an abusive partner.
Rationale:
By understanding the different verbal communication styles, the women can begin to understand
their own communication styles.
3. The Power of I Statements
Introduce the concept of I statements as verbal communication that encourages ownership of
the speakers thoughts and/or feelings and expresses that ownership to the sender and the
receiver. You statements, in contrast, place the burden of ownership on the individual receiving
the message. Whereas I statements can feel empowering for the message sender, you
statements may feel attacking for the message receiver. For example, You never do anything to
make me feel special because youre always at that stupid job vs. When you come home late
after work I feel ignored. I would like some time together.
Provide group members with the following sentence framework:
When you (describe your partners behavior)
I feel (describe your feelings at the time you are feeling them)
I would rather (describe what you would like to happen)
40
Remind the women that all communication should center on the issue at the time rather than a
previous issue or multiple issues. Introducing information unrelated to the present discussion is
unfair to themselves and their partners because it detracts from effective communication.
Address residual issues, beyond the current situation, at another time.
Ask the women to apply the sentence framework to a challenging situation they stated during
check-in or a situation from the previous week.
Encourage the women to support one another as they problem solve and state their experiences.
Explain that the framework is simply a general framework and they should apply it or reword it as
necessary for their individual situations. Remind the women that changing their behavior and
communicating in a different manner does not guarantee that their partner will change or that
their relationship will immediately improve.
They can only control themselves, not their partners. The goal of assertive communication, such
as using I statements, is to demonstrate self-respect and respect for others. Point out that the
individual receiving the message may not respond in the desired way. The goal should be how
the original communicator communicates her message rather than what the receiver of that
original message says and/or does with the information.
Rationale:
The sentence frameworks provide each woman with concrete tools for positive communication as
they work toward using positive alternatives to forceful behaviors.
4.
Individual Process
41
SESSION FOURTEEN
STRESS - SIGNALS AND ESCALATION

Goals:
Attune themselves to their experience of stress
Recognize signals that their stress is increasing
Develop alternative behaviors for reducing stress
Group Format

Rationale:
2. Stress Signals
Define stress as the feeling of tension produced by a thought or experience that leads an
individual to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or anxious. Note that a situation may be stressful to
one person but not to another. Acknowledge that stress is a normal part of everyday life.
However, how we respond to stress can be healthful or unhealthful. Responding to stress in
unhealthful ways may damage relationships as well as ones physical and emotional well-being.
Ask women to think of a situation that they find stressful. It may be helpful to remind women that
stress can be related to intimate relationships, other relationships, children, work, being stuck in
traffic, etc.
Ask women to close their eyes and imagine themselves in a stress-producing situation.
Allow a couple of moments.
Ask each woman to then do a body scan tune in to herself starting at her head and
working down to her feet, noticing any areas in which she feels tension.
Record responses on the board.
42
Distribute the handout Signals of Stress. Discuss that we can experience stress through bodily
sensations, as just demonstrated, as well as through our thoughts, self-talk and behaviors. Ask
each woman to complete the middle column, My Signals, listing as many entries as she can
under each category.
Explain that stress occurs in a range, from low to high levels.

Ask the women to include responses from various points on their personal ranges.
Encourage them to consider day-to-day stressors as well as the most stressful situations
they have experienced to connect with their stress spectrum.
Point out that we may not recognize signs of low-level stress if they are chronic or
repetitive.
Emphasize that by being attentive to our stress levels, we are better able to explore our
options to reduce that stress before we feel totally stressed out and overwhelmed.
Recognize that women may not be used to being attuned to themselves in this way.
Encourage them to consider being mindful of their experiences as a way of practicing
self-care and becoming more self-aware.
Ask women to share their responses. Ask them if each response occurs when their stress level is
low, medium or high. Record their responses on the board.
Have the group brainstorm responses to each signal, meaning an action that can be taken to
reduce stress, which members can record on the last column of their handouts as applicable.
Suggestions may include taking a time out, talking to a friend, exercising, eating well, meditation,
addressing the situation assertively, expressing feelings, maintaining boundaries, etc.
Emphasize that the response should be suitable to the level of stress and realistic for the
situation.
Rationale:
This is an essential part of the Vista Program. Women can develop an increased sense of control
over their lives through increased self-awareness. Becoming attuned to their stress levels and
developing behavioral alternatives allows them to respond to stress in a healthy, non-forceful
manner.
43
SESSION FIFTEEN
PROTECTION PLANNING: CREATING PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL SAFETY
Goals:
Acknowledge that there are inherent safety concerns for those living in unhealthful
relationships
Understand that violent behaviors often have uncertain consequences
Increase focused awareness of threats, cues, and protective actions
Recognize that time-outs are a powerful and effective alternative to using force
Draft an initial personal protection plan
Group Format
Rationale:
2. Protection Planning - The Concept

Introduce protection planning as a necessary process for those living in unsafe relationships.
Point out that everyone has the right to safety in their relationships and that planning for that
safety is a proactive rather than reactive process. Explain the program philosophy that nondefensive physical force is never justified because it violates the rights of others. Explain that
anyone using force is putting herself and others at increased risk for physical harm. Write the
following categories on the board:
Physical
Emotional
Spiritual
Sexual
Explain that the categories listed above identify general areas of protection planning. Ask the
women to identify specific examples of how they may contribute to safety concerns and/or feel at
44
risk in each category. Depending upon the motivation for and impact of the force used by the
women in the group, this session may be particularly challenging. Women who have used force
in their relationship, in order to temporarily control a chaotic situation, may now believe they have
the upper hand in the relationship (Dasgupta, 1999, 2002; Goodmark, 2008; Larance, 2006,
2007; Miller, 2005; Pence and Dasgupta, 2006, refer to full reference list). For some women, a
beneficial impact of their use of force was to be seen as a tough woman by their partner or to
have at least leveled the playing field for now. For others a benefit, even short term, is to
scare their partners into realizing that the women were neither as submissive nor as predictable
as they believed. It is critical that the group members be informed that women who use nondefensive physical force in their relationships are putting themselves and others in their lives at
increased risk of physical harm. Their use of force, more often than not, escalates the level of
violence between the couple. By choosing to use force each woman increases the chance that
she and/or someone else will be hurt. As a consequence they may, if the women have not
already, become involved in the court system and/or that child protective services will become
involved in her familys life.
Encourage the women to share by providing general examples. As the women discuss the
examples and general categories above, point out the following:
Everyone has the right to physical, emotional, sexual, and spiritual safety.
Everyone who is living in an abusive/violent relationship should be aware of potential

risks to their safety in each area. Use of force has risks.
Each person can only be in control of her/himself. No one can prevent someone else
from being abusive and/or violent.
Rationale:
The concept of protection planning may initially be uncomfortable for and/or may seem irrelevant
for the women if they feel they are now in control of the relationship dynamics.
3. Protection Planning Time-Outs are Critical
Ask group members what thoughts come to mind when they think about planning for their
protection. Encourage the women to share the full extent of their thoughts. Once each woman
has had an opportunity to share, introduce the concept of taking a time-out. A time-out is a
proactive measure that has the potential to provide each woman a safe space physically and/or
mentally. By doing so she is decreasing her stress level and has the increased opportunity to
choose behaviors that will best serve her in the short and long-term. Emphasize that what is
done during and after the time-out is as important as the concept itself. Provide group members
the following time-out framework:
A woman and her partner, who are in a relationship that does not involve coercive control
may choose to sit down during a calm time and discuss time-out guidelines suitable for
their situation. For example, what her/his signal is that she/he needs a time-out; how
long the time-out will last; where she/he may go; off-limits areas, for example, the bar; a
place to reconvene after the time-out to discuss the issue broadly or specifically but in a
way that is respectful.
A time-out is a safe space where each woman can go for necessary space from her
partner and/or from the tension she is feeling.
45
If she is in an abusive situation or location where she cannot physically leave the
situation, explore meditation exercises that may provide her mental space from the
situation.
Explain that a time-out should usually last no more than an hour. If it is more than an
hour, is this a time-out?
During the time-out a woman should actively engage in positive activities that will
decrease her stress level. Emphasize that drinking, etc. is discouraged.
After the time-out, the situation needs to be re-evaluated regarding further discussion at
that time or making the decision to come back to the topic at a later date. Ideally this
should be done as a couple. However, if abuse is present in the relationship then this
may not be possible. In that case the woman should evaluate how safe she feels, listen
to those feelings, and take the necessary steps. She is the expert in her situation.
Addressing how each partner feels following the time-out may be positive but not always
possible, especially in a relationship where battering exists. It provides the opportunity to
address the issue and move on rather than allow the tension to simmer and escalate at a
later date.
Ask group members whether or not they have tried to take time-outs and what their success has
been. Encourage feedback in the following areas:
Did you have time-out guidelines that you and your partner agreed upon during a
relatively calm time?
What did you do during the time-out that helped you calm yourself down?
Did taking a time-out de-escalate the situation?
If time-outs are not a positive experience, what is getting in the way of effective timeouts?
Rationale:
By exploring time-outs the group members are introduced to a behavioral alternative to force that
is critical to their long term protection.
4. Creating Your Protection Plan
Distribute protection plan handouts. Emphasize that although each woman does not have control
over her partners behavior, she can be proactive as she makes choices about her own behavior.
Explore the handout with the women in the manner most appropriate to the group dynamic.
Encourage feedback.
Rationale:
By providing the women a safe place to plan for their immediate and future protection, the group
members have the opportunity to explore how to keep themselves, and others in their lives, safer.
46
SESSION SIXTEEN
THE CHALLENGING NATURE OF CHANGE

Goals
Recognize aspects of their lives that have changed due to their relationship
dynamics
Acknowledge that there may be emotional pain associated with drastic changes in a
relationship
Heal by celebrating the wisdom and strength that can result from adversity
Explore three options that may generally define the future of their relationship
Group Format
Rationale:
2. How Have Things Changed?

Explain that domestic violence in a relationship has multiple negative consequences for each
individual as well as for the relationship as a whole. Ask group members to state how their lives
have changed since the force in their relationship began. Write responses on the dry erase
board. As the women provide feedback, validate their feelings and encourage the idea of
survivorship. Emphasize how the adversity in their lives has made them stronger and wiser.
During the discussion it may be helpful to add that the following changes may have taken place in
their lives:
Charges on their record
Job loss
Custody issues
47
Involvement with child protective services
Legal fees
Isolated from friends and/or family
Loss of sleep
Decreased self-esteem
Relationship irreparably damaged
Decreased trust in partner or self
Rationale:
By sharing experiences of how their relationships have changed due to the incident(s) of force,
the women have the opportunity to have their feelings and experiences normalized. From that
process they may be better able to begin to heal.
3. Heal Through Celebration
Ask the women what positive events and/or changes in themselves have come from each
experience listed on the dry erase board. Initially the women may respond with silence or
respond by stating that nothing good can come from such despair. Point out that, even in the
most extreme situations, positive results can be found.
Encourage the women to think critically about how they may have become stronger
and/or may have learned more about themselves than they knew before.
Validate their feelings while pointing out the strengths you, as the facilitator, see in each
member.
List the group feedback and facilitator ideas on the board. Reframe the positive
feedback as steps toward healing.
Encourage the women to celebrate those steps as part of a journey that has made them
stronger, wiser, and ready for what challenges may come next.
4. Three Choices
Note that changes in the status of the relationship can be very difficult to make. Point out that
although every relationship is unique, there are three general choices that each woman can make
about her relationship. Emphasize that by pointing out these choices, the facilitator is providing
the women with a framework from which she can make more informed choices in the future.
Explain that one choice is not more desirable than the other and, as an expert in her relationship,
only each woman knows which choice is best for her. Also emphasize that regardless of which
choice is best for her at the time, that choice may change in a month, a year, or never. It is up to
her. The choices are:
Stay in the relationship and change nothing
Stay in the relationship and change yourself
Leave the relationship
48
Point out that none of the choices involves changing the womans partner because each woman
can only change herself no one else. Encourage each woman to share which category
describes her current situation. Explore which choice describes where she would like to be in the
future, perhaps a year or more from now. Write the responses on the dry erase board.
Normalize the womens feelings. Emphasize that by continuing to explore their thoughts and
feelings, re-evaluating their relationships, and focusing on their own behaviors they will be able to
naturally effect change. Acknowledge that changes are made when we are ready. Each
womans journey and timeline is different.
Rationale:
By providing the group members with the three general choices they can make about their
relationship they are able to see that they only have control of themselves and are able to name
where they believe they are now as they explore where they would like to be in the future.
49
SESSION SEVENTEEN
YOUR FUTURE SELF
Goals
Identify areas of their lives which they find problematic

Recognize areas of their lives in which they feel successful
Identify their strengths
Develop goals with action steps for the future
Group Format
Rationale:
2. Life Assessment
Ask each woman what life would look like if she could wave a magic wand and resolve all of her
problems. Record their responses on the board.
Encourage a focus on serious answers.

What would be different about her?
Ask women in what areas of their lives they feel most satisfied and confident.
Probe for the specific aspects of these areas that make them satisfying.
Do any themes emerge within each womans responses?
Attempt to identify the strengths of each woman that these responses indicate.
Are there ways to build upon these experiences or translate relevant skills, self-beliefs,
etc., into other aspects of her life?
50
Rationale:
This exercise helps women identify strengths and positive experiences that can help them chart a
fulfilling future and develop the confidence to pursue it. It also facilitates exploration of those
areas of their lives that they find significantly difficult. This knowledge provides a basis for change
and growth.
3. My Goals
Activities /Education
Distribute paper and pens. Ask women to write down three goals for themselves for the future.
Encourage specificity and a focus on self based on the previous exercise, reminding women that
we can only control ourselves.
Ask women to share their responses. Record them on the board. Encourage discussion.
What challenges do they believe they face in striving to achieve these goals?
What strengths do they have that will help them achieve their goals?
Are there practical elements of their lives that would need to change for these goals to be
attainable?
What three steps could they take to help make their goals a reality?
Rationale:
Women may not set specific goals for themselves or devote time to achieving them. Stating goals
publicly and listing steps to goal achievement helps to make them more concrete. Group
feedback may help women discover new paths to their goals.
51
SESSION EIGHTEEN
INTIMACY
Goals
Explore what intimacy means to them

Acknowledge obstacles to intimacy
Discuss whether or not intimacy can be rekindled
Group Format
Rationale:
2. Intimacy
Write the word intimacy on the dry erase board. Ask the group members to state what thoughts
and feelings come to mind. Write their feedback on the dry erase board. Provide ample time to
encourage candid feedback.
Emphasize that revealing personal vulnerabilities is the best indicator of intimacy.

Therefore, an individual cannot have intimacy in her relationship if she is not safe.
Intimacy involves the ability to be vulnerable with a partner as one shares thoughts,
feelings, and emotional connection.
Encourage the women to recognize that intimacy involves mutual respect. It is separate
from physical touch and sexual contact.
Explore how intimacy experienced with family and friends mirrors or differs from the
intimacy they may or may not feel with their intimate partner.
52
Does a woman have to love her partner to be intimate with her partner?
What is the difference between love and intimacy?
Has the intimacy they felt in their relationship with their partner changed because of use
of force? If so, how? If not, why not?
What are obstacles to intimacy in their relationship?
If there are obstacles, how can those obstacles be overcome?
Can an individual rekindle intimacy with her partner after physical and/or verbal abuse
has taken place in the relationship?
Encourage the women to focus on whether or not intimacy can be rekindled over the short and/or
long term. Explore the connection between intimacy and trust. Reminding the women of the three
relationship choices that can be made, introduced in Session 16, may be helpful. Summarize the
group members responses. Validate their feelings as you encourage hope for the future.
Rationale:
By exploring the concept of intimacy in a safe, nonjudgmental environment the group members
have the opportunity to discuss an often otherwise taboo topic in light of the chaos of their
relationship. This process may reduce their isolation as they begin to make positive changes in
their lives.
53
SESSION NINETEEN
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
Goals
Recognize the sources of their beliefs regarding characteristics of intimate

relationships.
Identify characteristics of healthy relationships.
Name unhealthful relational patterns in their own lives.
Group Format
Rationale:
2. Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

Ask women where we learn about intimate relationships (i.e., family, experience, cultural norms).
Probe as to whether these sources of relationship information are healthy, promote equality, and
can be broadly applied.
Ask women to brainstorm characteristics of healthy relationships. Record their responses on the
board.
This session may challenge womens long-standing beliefs about relationships. If women
choose to change ingrained belief systems, the process may be gradual.
While there are no right answers, gently challenge responses that can be indicative of
abusive relationships or an imbalance in power and control, while respecting each
womans right to make her own relational choices.
Distribute the Equality Wheel. Encourage feedback and dialogue regarding the categories and
examples listed. Are there items that surprise them, or that they disagree with? Are there areas of
relationships that they dont regularly pay attention to?
54
Rationale:
Women may not have considered where their concepts of relationships came from, and whether
those models were healthy. This session helps them develop a new paradigm for intimate
relationships and consider alternative behaviors within intimate relationships.
3. Assessing Current Relationships

Activitie /Education
Ask women which of the characteristics of healthy relationships are most crucial to them. Do they
believe these needs can be met within their current relationships?
Distribute the handouts How to Tell If Change is Occurring and Warning Signs of Potentially
Abusive Relationships. Encourage discussion as women review these handouts.
Which behaviors do they experience from their partner?

Which behaviors do they use?
Discourage self-blame or judgment of women or their partners. Validate the answers the women
find to be part of their journey at this time but emphasize how those answers may change and/or
evolve. The women may feel societal, familial, and/or institutional pressure to leave the
relationship. Explain that leaving the relationship is not always the answer and, many times, is
less safe in the short term than remaining in the relationship. Emphasize each womans ability to
make her own independent choices that are informed by the context of her situation.
Rationale:
Whether continuing existing relationships or entering into new relationships, women may focus
more on guilt and self-blame for the behaviors that led them to Vista and not hold their partners
accountable for their behaviors. This exercise may help them identify specific unhealthy relational
patterns on their own and their partners parts.
55
SESSION TWENTY
GIFTS TO YOURSELF
Goals
Identify how self-care is an essential part of taking care of oneself as an individual

strives toward inner-peace and utilizing behavioral alternatives.
Group Format
Rationale:
2. Self-Care
Provide members a foundation for thinking about self-care practices as providing a critical
foundation for attaining inner peace. Emphasize that without first taking care of themselves,
women cannot adequately take care of others in their lives. Point out that by taking care of their
needs, they are then empowered, renewed, and better able to care for others in diverse ways.
Explore cultural/societal models in which women have historically been held responsible for
everyones well being but have been encouraged to think of taking care of themselves as
selfish. Point out that being selfish, in this context, is positive.
Begin the exercise by going around the group circle and asking each woman what self-care
she has given herself in the last week. Write each response on the dry erase board. It is not
uncommon for many women to not have an answer and remark that they do not have time to
indulge themselves.
Brainstorm multiple self-care practices the women would like to engage in. Write each on the
dry erase board. After the exercise help the women understand that each practice is a Gift
to Herself that she can and should give on a regular basis.
56
Point out that self-care can be a resource for de-escalating during stressful times.
Help the women recognize that specific practices may be more appropriate than others given
what relationship stresses may exist. For example, during a tense situation with a partner a
woman may be more likely to take care of herself by talking to friends rather than reading her
favorite novel or listening to music. Ask the group to process the responses.
As the session draws to a close ask the women to look at the responses noted on the board.
Ask each woman to identify a self-care practice she sees on the board, has not used, but
would like to use. Encourage the initiation of its use. Challenge the women to engage in
self-care on a regular basis.
Rationale:
It is critical that, throughout her time in the group, each woman has the opportunity to explore
self-care practices. By using self-care practices each woman has the potential to attain and
sustain a sense of inner peace long after her agency contact has ended.
57
Acknowledgements
Maryann Lane Porter and Lisa Young Larance spearheaded the program design and
curriculum development during Vistas year-long design phase. Larance was then the sole Vista staff
member during program implementation that included Vistas first two years of service provision.
Allison Hoffman-Ruzicka joined the Vista Program during the Programs third year. At that time,
Allison took an active role in program and curriculum development. Larance now lives in Ann Arbor,
Michigan where she uses the curriculum in her ongoing work serving women who have used force as
coordinator of Catholic Social Services of Washtenaw Countys RENEW Program. Both Larance and
Hoffman-Ruzicka continue to collaborate on the evolving curriculum.
Jane Baldwin Shivas had the initial vision for bringing women of northern New Jersey Vista
Program services. As JBWS Associate Executive Direction, Jane oversaw Vistas design and
development from its inception. Because of Janes vision, women in the metropolitan New Jersey
area have the resources and intervention made possible by Vista.
We are grateful to members of the New Jersey Coalition Against Domestic Violence
subcommittee on womens use of force, Andrea Bible, Jeffrie Cape, Shamita Das Dasgupta,
David Garvin, Lisa MacGray, Anne Marshall, Susan Miller, Sue Osthoff, and Nancy Worcester
for conversations and information exchange that were critical to Vista Program design and/or
curriculum development. However, the authors take full responsibility for the curriculum content and
the ideas noted therein. We are especially grateful to Regina Braham, JBWS Director of
Community Relations, for her patience and perseverance through the curriculum production process.
We express deep gratitude and humble thanks to the expert advice entrusted to us by Vista group
members. Without their courage and input the Vista curriculum would not have been possible.
About JBWS Inc.

In 1976, a small group of women in Morris County began a hotline to aid victims of domestic
violence. When two of these callers were murdered by their husbands, the need for a confidential
shelter became urgent. From its grassroots beginnings, Jersey Battered Womens Service opened its
shelter doors to the community in late December 1978. The mission of JBWS is the prevention and
empowerment of the victim of domestic violence, the rehabilitation of family members, and the
education of the public about domestic violence and its consequences. The vision is to create a
community-wide culture that refuses to tolerate the presence of any form of family or partner violence.
Now, JBWS is a full-service, private, nonprofit domestic violence agency. JBWS provides a
24-hour helpline, safe house, transitional living, victim counseling, childrens services, legal advocacy,
life skills education, vocational counseling, batterers intervention, services for women who use force,
teen dating violence prevention, community education and professional training. More than 75 paid
staff and 100 volunteers work together with the help of the community to fulfill the agency mission.
For more information visit www.jbws.org or call 973-267-7520.
58
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61
Vista Curriculum Guide

Session Handouts
SESSION
Session 1
Session 2
THEME
Me: Who I Am and What Brought Me Here
Identifying Forceful Behaviors, Goals, and

Consequences
HANDOUTS
1a History of Force
1b The Guesthouse
1c Vista Group Guidelines
2a Forceful Behaviors List

2b Power and Control Wheel
2c Categories of Verbal Abuse
2d Gender Differences in the Tactics
and Effects of Force
3a Far Side Cartoon: Adult Children of

Normal Parents Convention
3b Nurturing Children Wheel
3c How to Help Children Who Have
Witnessed Domestic Violence
3d Checklist of Possible Effects of
Domestic Violence on Children
3e Developmental Effects of
Witnessing DV
3f Qualities Strong Families Share
Session 3
Effects of Force on Children , Family,

Friends, and Pets
Session 4
Relationship Needs
4a Needs Vocabulary
4b Defining and Expressing Needs
Session 5
Cultural Messages and Responsibility

Taking
5a Culture Wheel
4a Needs Vocabulary
5b When I Feel Responsible
Session 6
Defense Mechanisms
6a Defense Mechanisms
6b That Internal Dialogue
6c Cognitive Distortions
6d Far-Side Cartoon: How Flowers
See Themselves
Session 7
Boundaries
7a Boundary Violations
7b How Are Your Boundaries?
7c Steps for Developing Boundaries
Session 8
Anger
Session 9
Conflict Management
9a Guidelines for Conflict Resolution
Session 10
Releasing Judgment
10a Feeling Vocabulary

10b Non-Feeling Words
Session 11
Shame and Beyond
11a Forgiving the Self

11b Permission to Forgive Ourselves
Session 12
Perceptions: What Is Strong? What Is

Weak?
12a Phenomenal Woman

12b Imagine a Woman
13a Communication Pattern

Definitions
13b Communication Patterns
13c On Your Way to Assertive
Communication
13d I Statements
14a Signs of Stress
15a Protection Plan

15b Learning to Take a Time-Out
15c Time-Out Analysis
15d Time-Out Strategies: Improving
the Moment
15e Things to Take When I Leave
Session 13
Session 14
Session 15
Effectively Express Yourself
Stress Signals and Escalation
Protection Planning
4a Needs Vocabulary
8a Types of Responses to Anger
8b Anger Words
8c Anger Dos and Donts
8d Checklist for Hidden Anger
8e Stepping Back From Anger
Session 16
The Challenging Nature of Change
16a Comes the Dawn

16b A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime
Session 17
Your Future Self
17a Emerson Quotation

17b Embracing Womanhood
17c You Can Do It!
Session 18
Session 19
Intimacy
18a Let Go
Healthful Relationships
19a Basic Rights in a Relationship

19b Equality Wheel
19c How To Tell If Change Is
Occurring
19d Early Warning Signs of Potentially
Abusive Relationships
Session 20
Gifts to Yourself
20a The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups

of Coffee
20b Mindfulness Exercise
20c Mindfulness in Daily Life
20d Sitting with Emotions
HISTORY OF FORCE
In our experience dealing with relationships in which force has occurred, we have found that it can
help to keep a diary of the emotional and physical force that you have experienced or used
throughout your relationship. This diary can help you see that you are not "crazy" for questioning
your relationship dynamics. Try to remember the exact words that were used; include threats,
demands, language, etc. (When deciding whether or not to keep a diary, consider your safety. If it
is safe to keep a diary, store it in a safe location where your partner, friends, and family will not
have access to it.)
This outline will help you with the challenging task of keeping a diary. Please follow it carefully.
1. List each act by number. Begin with the first use of force and end with the most recent.
Include force used by your partner as well as yourself.
2. State when it occurred. Write down the day, week, and/or month of the year it occurred.
Use holidays, anniversary dates, birthdays, etc., to remind you of the incidents.
3. State the place where the incident took place.
4. Describe the incident in as much detail as possible: indicate what was said (accusations,
threats, name calling); if force was used, the specific type (hit with fist, hit with hand,
strangling, threw object, knocked down, etc.); if any weapons were used.
5. If any witnesses (including your children) were present, list their names.
6. If the police were called, list which police department responded. If you remember, include
the police officer's name and/or badge number.
7. If you received any medical attention, list the name of the hospital and names of doctors
and nurses who treated you.
8. Include other information that you think would be important.
Some examples of acts constituting use of force include:
Foul language, threats, name calling, ridiculing
Hitting, punching, kicking, throwing objects or any other violence
Accusations of having sex with others
Forced sexual relations
Being under the influence of alcohol or drugs coupled with violence, threatened violence,
cursing and/or other verbal abuse
Restricting contact with family and friends
Restricting time spent out of the house
Withholding money unfairly

Not an original work. Please contact vista@jbws.org for more information.
- 1a -
THE GUEST HOUSE

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Jelaluddin Rumi, translation by Coleman Barks
- 1b -
Vista Group Guidelines

1. Group members are expected to maintain confidentiality.
Do not disclose the identity of group members or other clients you see in the
building.
Group members seen in other places should not be acknowledged without
mutual agreement.
Confidentiality extends to what you say to each other during the week: group
members may talk about their own experience or insights in the group, but not
about others in the group.
Exceptions to confidentiality
Counselors are required by law to report the following:
Intent to harm yourself
Intent to harm another
Suspected child abuse/neglect
Abuse/neglect of a vulnerable adult.
If such notification is necessary, your counselor will advise you.
2. Group members are expected to take responsibility for their participation.
Attend each session. Each member is entitled to four excused absences.
Arrive on time and remain in group until the session ends. Being more than 10
minutes late or leaving more than 10 minutes early will constitute an absence.
Let the group and facilitators know of anticipated absences ahead of time. Call
the facilitators prior to group to advise of unexpected absences. Failure to do so
will constitute an unexcused absence and will require restarting the group.
Be alcohol/drug-free before and during sessions.
3. Group members are expected to interact in a respectful manner.
Be respectful of others experiences, process, views, cultures, choices, etc.
One person talks at a time.
Avoid attacking or judging.
Avoid advice giving, but do provide feedback based on your own experience.
4. Group members are expected to participate in group, openly and honestly taking
responsibility for their behavior.
Report any use of force since the last session.
Participate in group discussions.
5. Group members are expected to be responsible for their own individual needs and selfcare, including asking the group for needed help.
- 1c -
Forceful Behaviors
Physical
Slapping
Cutting
Biting
Punching
Hitting with objects
Withholding food
Kicking
Choking
Pulling hair
Restraining
Smothering
Stabbing
Burning
Pinching
Shooting
Emotional/Verbal
Name calling
Non-constructive criticism
Yelling/screaming
Cursing
Derogatory/demeaning
comments
Insulting partners
family/friends
Threatening
Use of silence
Breaking promises
Belittling
Embarrassing
Being inconsistent
Crazy-making/mind games
Intimidating
Stalking
Breaking objects
Abuse of pets
Use of children
Isolating
Being unpredictable
Emotional withdrawal
Controlling behaviors
Sexual
Forced participation in acts
partner objects to
Forced intercourse or
penetration
Unwanted touching
Unwanted sexual
comments
Unwanted photographing
Sexual harassment
Demanding sex after an

abusive incident
Not an original work. Please contact vista@jbws.org for more information.

- 2a -
DOMESTIC ABUSE INTERVENTION PROJECT

206 West Fourth Street
Duluth, Minnesota 53806
218-722-4134
Categories of Verbal Abuse
Withholding. Refusing to share oneself ones thoughts, feelings, hopes and

dreams and not honoring those of your partner; indifference; lack of
empathy.
Countering. Consistently treating your partner as an adversary; always
disagreeing.
Discounting. Denying your partners experiences and emotions.
Verbal abuse disguised as jokes. Cutting comments; wit.
Blocking and diverting. Refusing to discuss topics (You dont know what
youre talking about.) or distracting from a topic with irrelevant feedback
or accusations.
Accusing and blaming. Making your partner responsible for your anger.
Judging and criticizing. Negative, unhelpful judgments, for example, Your
problem is, Youre too.
Trivializing. Indicating that a partners actions or emotions are insignificant.
Undermining. Eroding confidence through withholding emotional support.
Threatening. For example, If you, Ill
Name calling. All name calling other than terms of endearment said
sincerely.
Forgetting. Consistently denying that one has said or done something, such
as having made a promise to ones partner.
Ordering. Denying your partners autonomy and equality by issuing demands
instead of making respectful requests.
Denial. Denying uses of force, and thereby denying your partners reality.
Abusive anger.
Adapted from Evans, P. (1996). The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Avon, MA: Adams Media Corporation.
- 2c -
Gender Differences in the Tactics and Effects of

Force in Intimate Relationships
Method of Force
Intimidation
Men
Threats/behaviors used to
elicit fear in partner, which
may be followed by abuse
Women
Rarely can women elicit
fear in men by threats or
gestures.
Isolation
Isolating partner is an
effective device used by
male batterers (i.e.: limiting
contact with friends,
families and preventing
employment, etc.)
Women may try to limit

contacts with families,
friends and / or
acquaintances but are
rarely able to exert total
control over mens behavior
to the degree male
batterers are able to do.
Economic Control
In general, men are the

primary wage earners and
may control financial
decisions.
Few women are able to

successfully deny their
male partners of financial
independence.
Personal Power
Abusive men tend to deny

partners decision-making
skills or may demand
authority over all family
decisions.
Womens gender roles and

socialization rarely allow
them to deny their partners
all decision making power.
Sexual Abuse
Men may use marital rape

and sexual assault as
weapons of terror.
Women may withhold

sexual access and favors to
manipulate their partners,
but this denial does not
have the same impact as a
violent sexual assault.
Dasgupta, S. D. (1999). Just Like Men? A critical view of violence by women. In Shepard and Pence (Eds.)
Coordinating Community Responses to Domestic Violence Lessons from Duluth and Beyond Pg. 203.
Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.
- 2d -
FEELINGS VOCABULARY
FEELING WORDS
When Needs ARE Being Met
Affectionate:
Compassionate, Friendly, Loving, Openhearted,
Sympathetic, Tender, Warm
Confident:
Empowered, Open, Proud, Safe, Secure
Engaged
Absorbed, Alert, Curious, Engrossed, Enchanted,
Entranced
Excited
Amazed, Animated, Ardent, Aroused, Astonished,
Dazzled, Eager, Energetic, Enthusiastic, Giddy,
Invigorated, Lively, Passionate, Surprised, Vibrant
Exhilarated
Blissful, Ecstatic, Elated, Enthralled, Exuberant
Grateful
Appreciative, Moved, Thankful, Touched
Hopeful
Expectant, Encouraged, Optimistic
Inspired
Amazed, Awed, Radiant, Rapturous, Thrilled,
Wonder
Joyful
Amused, Delighted, Glad, Happy, Jubilant, Pleased,
Tickled
Peaceful
Calm, Clearheaded, Comfortable, Centered, Content,
Fulfilled, Mellow, Quiet, Relaxed, Relieved, Satisfied,
Serene, Fascinated, Interested, Intrigued, Involved,
Spellbound, Stimulated
FEELING WORDS
When Needs are NOT Being Met
Afraid
Apprehensive, Walking on Eggshells, Dread,
Foreboding, Frightened, Suspicious, Panicked,
Mistrustful, Petrified, Scared, Wary, Worried
Angry
Enraged, Furious, Incensed, Indignant, Irate, Livid,
Outraged, Resentful
Annoyed: Aggravated, Dismayed, Disgruntled,
Displeased, Exasperated, Frustrated, Impatient,
Irked, Irritated
Aversion: Animosity, Appalled, Contempt,
Disgusted, Dislike, Hate, Horrified, Hostile,
Repulsed
Confused: Ambivalent, Baffled, Bewildered, Dazed,
Hesitant, Lost, Mystified, Perplexed, Puzzled, Torn
Disconnected: Alienated, Aloof, Apathetic, Bored,
Cold, Detached, Distant, Distracted, Indifferent,
Numb, Removed, Uninterested, Withdrawn
Disquiet: Agitated, Alarmed, Disconcerted,
Disturbed, Rattled, Restless, Startled, Surprised,
Troubled, Uncomfortable, Uneasy, Unnerved,
Unsettled, Upset
Embarrassed: Ashamed, Flustered, Guilty,
Mortified, Self-conscious
Fatigue: Beat, Burnt out, Depleted, Exhausted,
Sleepy, Tired, Weary, Worn out
Pain: Agony, Anguished, Bereaved, Devastated,
Grief, Heartbroken, Hurt, Lonely, Miserable,
Regretful, Remorseful
Refreshed
Enlivened, Rejuvenated, Renewed, Rested, Restored,
Revived
Sad: Depressed, Dejected, Despair, Despondent,

Disappointed, Discouraged, Gloomy, Heavy hearted,
Hopeless, Unhappy
Still
Tranquil, Trusting
Tense: Anxious, Bitter, Cranky, Distressed,

Distraught, Edgy, Fidgety, Frazzled, Irritable,
Jittery, Nervous, Overwhelmed, Restless, Stressed
Vulnerable: Fragile, Guarded, Helpless, Insecure,
Leery, Reserved, Sensitive, Shaky
Yearning: Envious, Jealous, Longing, Nostalgic,
Pining, Wistful
This handout is based on the work of Marshall B. Rosenberg and
The Center for Nonviolent Communication, www.cnvc.org.
- 10a -
NON-FEELING WORDS
The following words are often confused as feelings when, in fact, they are interpretations or
assessments of others actions:
Abandoned, Attacked, Belittled, Betrayed, Boxed-in, Bullied, Cheated, Coerced, Cornered,
Criticized, Diminished, Distrusted, Ignored, Insulted, Interrupted, Intimidated, Invalidated, Let
down, Manipulated, Abused, Misunderstood, Neglected, Overworked, Patronized, Pressured,
Provoked, Put down, Rejected, Ripped off, Taken for granted, Threatened, Tricked,
Unappreciated, Unheard, Unseen, Unsupported, Unwanted, Used, Victimized, Violated,
Wronged
The following words are often confused as feelings when, in fact, they are judgments of
either ourselves or others:
Deserving, Disorganized, Dumb, Entitled, Inadequate, Incompetent, Incomplete, Ineffective,
Inefficient, Stupid, Unaccomplished, Undeserving, Unintelligent, Untalented, Untrustworthy,
Unworthy, Worthy
This handout is based on the work of Marshall B. Rosenberg and The Center for Nonviolent Communication,
www.cnvc.org.
-10b-
Forgiving the Self

Guilt is the feeling that alerts an individual to the wrongness of certain behaviors
and motivates the individual to avoid them. There is such a thing as healthy guilt.
This implies that cultural/societal/self-standards are reasonable, and that an
individual assumes appropriate responsibility for ones own behavior no more and
no less.
Shame, in contrast, refers to the unhealthy perception that an individual is bad to
the core of her/his being. Traditionally, in many cultures, the process of
repentance which implies a return to a former state enables an individual to
cleanse the self and return to living a healthy existence.
Shame
I am a failure.
Generalized about self.
Amends cannot be made.
Secretive, may try to cover up.
Guilt
I failed to do something.
Specific to an event or behavior.
Forgiveness and amends are possible.
Can be a learning/motivating experience.
For some, necessary steps for repentance may include:

1) Stop the behavior.
2) Acknowledge that the behavior was used and that the behavior was not what
you desire for the future.
3) Acknowledge that hurt was caused to self and others. It is constructive and
necessary to feel hurt, sadness, disappointment, and empathy, and to fully
realize the connection between these feelings and the behavior that led to
them. Find a supportive person to talk to about these feelings.
4) Share, as appropriate, an awareness of the behaviors negative impact and
the consequences of the behavior.
5) Make amends to self and others, when possible.
6) Explore alternative behaviors that honor your feelings and are respectful to
self and others.
7) Move forward in a manner that honors the wisdom you now have and the life
you wish for yourself.
8) Live! Release yourself from the sorrow!
Adapted from Schiraldi, G.R. (2001). The Self-Esteem Workbook. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
-11a-
Permission to Forgive Ourselves

Releasing Guilt
Learning to accept the things that we perceive as wrong can be a difficult task for many
of us. Often we have been brought up to accept that feeling guilty about our actions will
make everything seem alright within ourselves. Even though we may have a reason to
make up for the choices we have made, it is equally important for us to learn how to
deal with them in a healthy and positive way, such a through forgiveness and
understanding.
When we can look back at our past and really assess what has happened, we begin to
realize that there are many dimensions to our actions. While feeling guilty might
assuage our feelings at first, it may be only a short-term solution. It is all too ironic that
being hard on ourselves is the easy way out. If we truly are able to gaze upon our lives
through the lens of compassion, however, we will be able to see that there is much more
to what we do and have done than we realize. Perhaps we were simply trying to protect
ourselves or others and did the best we could at the time, or maybe we thought we had
no other recourse and chose a solution in the heat of the moment. Once we
compassionately analyze our choices, we may realize that it is only through forgiving
ourselves that we can transform our feelings and truly heal any resentment we have
about our past.
Giving ourselves permission to feel at peace with our past actions is one of the most
positive steps we can take toward living a life free from shame and making healthful
choices in the future. The more we are able to remind ourselves that the true path to a
peaceful mind and heart is through acceptance of every part of our lives and actions,
the more harmony and inner joy we will experience in all aspects of our lives.
-11b-
Adapted from www.TheDailyOm.com
Phenomenal Woman
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
Im not cute or built to suit a models fashion size
But when I start to tell them
They think Im telling lies.
I say
Its the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips.
Im a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
Thats me.
I walk into a room
Just a cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me
A hive of honey bees.
I say
Its the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing in my waist
And the joy in my feet.
Im a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
Thats me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they cant touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They still cant see.
I say
Its in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breast
The grace of my style.
Im a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
Thats me.
Now you understand
Just why my heads not bowed
I dont shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say
Its the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need for my care.
Cause Im a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
Thats me
Maya Angelou
-12a-
Imagine a Woman
Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good she is a woman.
A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories.
Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.
Imagine a woman who listens to her needs and desires.
Who meets them with tenderness and grace.
Imagine a woman who has acknowledged the pasts influence on the present.
A woman who has walked through her past.
Who has healed into the present.
Imagine a woman in love with her own body.
A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is,
and celebrates her bodys rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.
Imagine a woman who honors the body of the Goddess in her changing body.
A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and wisdom.
Who refuses to use her precious life-energy disguising the changes in her body
and life.
Imagine a woman who authors her own life.
A woman who exerts, initiates, and moves on her own behalf.
Who refuses to surrender except to her truest self and to her wisest voice.
Imagine a woman who names her own gods.
A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness.
Who designs a personal spirituality to inform her daily life.
Imagine a woman who values the women in her life.
A woman who sits in circles of women.
Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.
Imagine yourself as this woman.
- Patricia Lynn Reilly
-12b-
COMMUNICATION PATTERN
DEFINITIONS
Passive or Nonassertive behavior allows the persons rights to be violated in one of
two ways:
(a) the person violates her own rights by ignoring those personal rights which are
actually very important to her, or
(b) the person permits others to infringe on her rights.
Nonassertive behavior pays off by enabling the individual to avoid conflicts with others;
however, various unpleasant internal consequences, like hurt feelings and lowered selfesteem, are likely to occur.
Aggressive behavior protects ones rights in a way that violates anothers rights. The
purpose of aggressive behavior may be to dominate, coerce, humiliate, or put the other
person down rather than to simply express ones honest emotions or thoughts.
However, aggression may be used for self-protection against a partners controlling
and/or abusive behaviors. Context, intent, and motivation are critical to understanding
aggression.
Passive/Aggressive behavior protects ones rights in a way that that violates the rights
of another person, while appearing to defer to that person. The purpose of
passive/aggressive behavior is to manipulate others by making them feel guilty, or to
passively resist/avoid something, rather than to express ones honest emotions and
thoughts.
Assertive behavior protects ones legitimate rights in such a way that the rights of
another are not violated. Assertive behavior is a direct, honest, and appropriate
expression of ones feelings, opinions, and beliefs. High quality assertion also includes
an empathic component, which shows some consideration, but not deference, for the
other person.
Adapted from Goodman, M.S., & Fallon, B.C. (1995). Pattern Changing for Abused Women: An
Educational Program. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.
-13a-
COMMUNICATION PATTERNS
Giving in
Passive
Aggressive
Creates conflict
Passive-Aggressive
Mean-spirited
Assertive
Respectful messages
Quiet
Abusive
Subtly negative
Clear communication
Doormat
Intimidating/ Threatening
Resentful
Desire to solve problems
Dont rock the boat
Inappropriate anger
Feels unjustly treated
Directness
Self-defeating
Hostile
Faults others
Uses I statements
Avoids conflict
Forceful
Sarcastic
Saying no is acceptable
Taken advantage of
Blaming
Use of silence
Looks for win/win situations
Gives up rights
Demanding
Intentionally forgetful
Willingness to state feelings
Too agreeable
Name calling
Chronic lateness
Confident (or trying to be)
Ones own needs/opinions

are unimportant
Attacking
Builds anger and resentment
Thinking about yourself
Yelling
Simmering volcano
Wants are not okay/Others

wants come first
Must get own way
Expects others to guess

needs/wants
Understands needs/wants
are okay, even if not met
Over-responsible for own

and others behavior
Does not accept

responsibility
Lacks responsibility for own

behavior
Takes appropriate
responsibility
Does not maintain own

boundaries/respects others
boundaries
Disregards others
boundaries/maintains own
boundaries
Disregards others
boundaries while appearing
to respect them
Respects own and others

boundaries
-13b-
From Amherst H. Wilder Foundations Journey Beyond Abuse.
On Your Way to Assertive Communication

o
It is OK to want or need something from someone else.
I have a choice to ask someone for what I want or need.
I can stand it if I dont get what I want or need.
The fact that someone says no to my request doesnt mean I should not have asked
in the first place.
If I didnt get my objectives, that doesnt mean I didnt go about it in a skillful way.
Standing up for myself over small things is as important as big things are to
others.
I can insist on my rights and still be a good person.
I have a right to assert myself, even though I may inconvenience others.
The fact that other people might not be assertive doesnt mean I shouldnt be.
I can understand and validate another person, and still ask for what I want.
My thoughts and opinions are as valid as others thoughts and opinions.
I may want to please people I care about, but I dont have to please them all the
time.
Giving is as important as receiving in a relationship.
If I refuse to do a favor for someone that does not mean I do not like them.
I am under no obligation to say yes to people simply because they ask a favor of
me.
Saying no to someone does not make me a selfish person.
If I say no to someone and that person gets angry, that does not mean that I
should have said yes.
I can feel good about myself, even though someone is annoyed with me.
From Linehan, M. (1993). Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder. New York:
Guilford Press.
-13c-
I Statements
I Statements refer to a format for expressing ones emotions.

I Statements can be useful in reducing conflict, having ones message heard and
understood and developing solutions to distressing situation because when you use I
statements, you:
take ownership for your emotions

avoid blaming the other person or using you
describe the specific behaviors that are upsetting to you
begin discussion of possible resolutions
The format of I Statements is:

I feel (emotion) when (specific behavior) happens, and I would like (preferred solution).
Example: I feel scared and angry when I am yelled at, and I would like to be spoken to
respectfully.
-13d-
Signals of Stress
We each experience stress differently. What are your signals or cues that you
are under stress?
Type of Stress Signal
Physical Signals:
Bodily sensations
Tension in neck
Clenching teeth
Knot in stomach
Rapid breathing
Headache
Fatigue
Adrenalin rushing
My Signals
Low:
Emotional/Cognitive
Signals:
Self-talk
Anxiety
Depression
Feeling on edge
Having a short fuse
Difficulty concentrating
Feeling like a child
again
Low:
Behavioral Signals:
Twirling hair
Tapping a foot
Raising voice
Using alcohol or drugs
Isolating
Being tearful
Overindulging in
caffeine, junk food or
sugar
Low:
Medium:
High:
Medium:
High:
Medium:
High:
Adapted from multiple sources.

-14a-
Possible Responses
Protection Planning: Questions to Ask Yourself
o Protection during times of tension.

If I am arguing, am I doing so in a safe place?
Do I have a place to put my purse and keys if I want to leave quickly?
Do I have unobstructed access to a telephone?
Do I have a code word with my children so they know we need to leave?
Do I have a neighbor, or someone I can tell about my situation, so if they dont
hear from me for a while or do hear noise coming from my home they can call
the police?
Do my children know how to call the police if they need to?
Do I have a place to go if I have to leave quickly?
Do I have a way to take my pet with me without endangering myself?
o Protection when I am at home.

If my partner no longer lives with me/us, have I changed the locks and
secured the windows?
Have I spoken to my childrens teacher about who has permission to pick them
up?
Do I have motion detection lights outside my home?
Do I have an alarm system?
o Protection when I think I may leave.

Do I have a joint or individual savings account?
Do I have a joint or individual credit card account?
Do I have easy access to cash when I will need it?
Do I have copies of important documents (e.g., birth certificates, divorce papers,
passports, marriage documents, medical records)?
Do I have a bag packed with more than one nights change of clothes?
Where should I put my bag of documents and/or clothes for safe keeping and easy
access in the future?
o Protection when I have a restraining order against my partner.

Where do I keep the restraining order?
If my partner contacts me in a way that violates the restraining order, will I call
the police?
If I dont call the police, why not?
Who knows about my situation that I feel comfortable calling for help?
o Protection when my partner has a restraining order against me.
If I am violating the restraining order, do I realize I am putting myself and others
at risk?
o Protection for my emotional health.

Who can I talk to when I feel down?
Who shouldnt I talk to when I feel down?
What can I read, hold, and/or refer to that will remind me how strong I am?
o Protection after I have consumed alcohol and/or used drugs.

By consuming alcohol and/or using drugs, I am putting myself and others at risk.
Do I really want to face the consequence of those actions?
If I do consume alcohol and/or use drugs, who can I call to take me home and/or
help me get to a safe place?
How can I protect my children if I am intoxicated and/or on drugs?
Adapted from Seeking Justice: Legal Advocacy Principles and Practice WV, which adapted
and reprinted from Personalized Safety Plan, Office of the City Attorney, City of San Diego,
CA, April, 1990.
-15a-
LEARNING TO TAKE A TIME-OUT

A time-out is a tool that, if used appropriately, provides you the opportunity to calm
yourself down when a situation with your partner become tense. It is not punishment.
The ideal time for a time-out is when you notice that you are escalating during an
interaction with your partner. In other words, you feel increasingly angry, tense, and/or
stressed out. Listen to your cues. Give yourself a break. The following steps can help
you in this process:
STEP 1 PREPARATION
Find a time when you and your partner are not busy or stressed out. Ask your partner to
discuss time-outs with you. When he/she is ready, explain that the next time things
become tense you would like to take time away from the situation to calm yourself down.
Explain that you will return but will need the time to decide when you feel comfortable
returning. It may helpful to come up with a signal (a time-out sign with your hands) or a
code word to let your partner know you are leaving for a time-out. It is important that you
explain that the time-out is not being done to punish him/her but to simply provide you
the space you need in order to cope with the situation.
STEP 2 INITIATING A TIME-OUT
Use the signal and/or word you and your partner agreed upon. Let your partner know
you need to calm yourself and assure your partner that you will return when you are
ready to do so.
STEP 3 LEAVING
Leave the area. Leave even if your partner objects. You and your relationship deserve
the time and space you desire. It takes considerable strength to change behavior and
you can do it.
STEP 4 AFTER LEAVING
Give yourself at least 20 minutes to calm down mentally and physically. Relax. Let go.
Engage in an activity that brings you peace. Use positive self-talk to remind yourself to
calm down and think straight.
STEP 5 BEFORE RETURNING FROM A TIME-OUT
Do you feel more peaceful than you did before the time-out? Are you thinking straight?
If you feel ready to return, you may want to call your partner and assess his/her status.
Remember, you can only control yourself. Now may or may not be the time to resume
dealing with the issue that initially brought on the stress. You decide. Remember:
taking a time-out is not a way to avoid dealing with issues. It is simply the opportunity
you provide yourself to take a break and calm yourself.
STEP 6 RETURNING FROM A TIME-OUT
Return. Practice the skills you are learning in group. Take another time-out if you
escalate again. Give yourself credit. You did it! Do not expect a certain response from
your partner. This is your process. You can only control your own behavior.
Adapted from Hamlet, N. (1998). Women Who Abuse in Intimate Relationships. Minneapolis,
-15b-
TIME-OUT ANALYSIS
Remember: A time-out is time for you, not punishment. What you do during the
time-out is as important as the time away from the situation.
Congratulate yourself for engaging in this process.
1. What cues/event were you aware of over time before the situation?
2. What were the cues you experience just before and then during the situation?
3. What did you say to yourself just before and then during the situation?
4. When did you decide a time-out was necessary?
5. What did you do during the time-out?
6. Did you have a time-out plan with your partner (i.e., explained to partner during
a less tense time that you may need to remove yourself from the situation)?
7. How do you feel about having taken a time-out?
8. Were the hours and/or days after the time-out any different for you and your
partner then the hours and/or day after not taking a time-out in the past?
9. Do you think you will try a time-out again?
Adapted from Hamlet, N. (1998). Women Who Abuse in Intimate Relationships. Minneapolis,
-15c-
Time-Out Strategies: Improving the Moment

IMPROVE the Moment
o
With Imagery. Imagine a relaxing scene. Imagine a secret room within

yourself, see how it is decorated. Go into the room whenever you feel
threatened. Close the door on anything that can hurt you. Imagine
everything going well. Imagine coping well. Create a world that is calm and
beautiful. Let your mind go with it. Imagine hurtful emotions draining out of
you like water out of a pipe.
With Meaning. Focus on any positive aspects of a painful situation you can
find. Repeat them over and over in your mind.
With Prayer. Open your heart to a higher power/spiritual presence/inner

peace. Ask for strength to bear the pain in this moment. Release the pain.
With Relaxation. Use a muscle technique that involves tensing and relaxing
each large muscle group, starting with your hands and arms. Start from your
head and work down. Listen to a relaxation tape; exercise; take a bath;
massage your neck. Breathe deeply.
With One thing in the moment. Focus your entire attention on what you
are doing right now. Keep yourself in the moment. Put your mind in the
present. Focus your entire attention on the physical sensations that
accompany nonmental tasks (e.g., walking, washing, working, fixing). Be aware
of your bodys movements during each task.
With a brief Vacation. Give yourself a brief vacation. Get in bed and pull
the covers over your head for 20 minutes. Rent a motel room. Go for a walk.
Read relaxing material from a fun magazine. Choose your escape and then
go for it. Even a few minutes away can bring a new perspective.
With Encouragement. Positive self-talk is critical. Repeat over and over: I

can do this! This wont last forever, I am doing the best I can.
From Linehan, M. (1993). Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder.
New York: Guilford Press.
-15d-
THINGS TO TAKE WHEN IT IS TIME TO GO
Address Book
Birth Certificates, mine and my childrens
Car Title(s)
Check Book
Credit Cards
Deed to the House
Divorce Papers
Drivers License
Green Cards
Insurance Papers
Jewelry
Keys
Medical Records
Medication, for me and the children
Money
Numbers for Quick Reference
Best Friend:____________________
Police Number:__________________
Shelter:________________________
Passports
Pictures
Rental Agreement
Resume
Savings Account Information
School Records
Small things I can sell
Toys that are special to the children
Adapted from Seeking Justice: Legal Advocacy Principles and Practice WV, which
adapted and reprinted from Personalized Safety Plan, Office of the City Attorney, City
of San Diego, CA, April, 1990.
-15e-
Comes the Dawn

After a while you learn the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesnt mean leaning and
company doesnt mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses arent contracts and
presents arent promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head
up and your eyes open with the grace of a woman, not
the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today because
tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans and the
future has a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if
you get too much,
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own
soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you
flowers,
And you learn that you really can endure,
That you really have worth,
And you learn and you learn
With every goodbye
With every sunrise
Comes the dawn.
-Jo Anne Kurman
-16a-
A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime

Peoplecomeintoyourlifeforareason,aseason,oralifetime.
Whenyoufigureoutwhichitis,youknowexactlywhattodo.
WhensomeoneisinyourlifeforaREASON,
itisusuallytomeetaneedyouhaveexpressedoutwardlyorinwardly.
Theyhavecometoassistyouthroughadifficulty,
toprovideyouwithguidanceandsupport,
toaidyouphysically,emotionally,orspiritually.
TheymayseemlikeaGodsend,andtheyare.
Theyarethereforthereasonyouneedthemtobe.
Then,withoutanywrongdoingonyourpartorataninconvenienttime,
thispersonwillsayordosomethingtobringtherelationshiptoanend.
Sometimestheydie.
Sometimestheywalkaway.
Sometimestheyactuporoutandforceyoutotakeastand.
Whatwemustrealizeisthatourneedhasbeenmet,
ourdesirefulfilled;theirworkisdone.
Theprayeryousentuphasbeenanswered
anditisnowtimetomoveon.
WhenpeoplecomeintoyourlifeforaSEASON,
itisbecauseyourturnhascometoshare,grow,orlearn.
Theymaybringyouanexperienceofpeaceormakeyoulaugh.
Theymayteachyousomethingyouhaveneverdone.
Theyusuallygiveyouanunbelievableamountofjoy.
Believeit!Itisreal!
But,onlyforaseason.
LIFETIMErelationshipsteachyoulifetimelessons;
thosethingsyoumustbuilduponinordertohaveasolidemotionalfoundation.
Yourjobistoacceptthelesson,lovetheperson/people(anyway);
Andputwhatyouhavelearnedtouseinallotherrelationshipsand
areasofyourlife.
BrianAndrewDrewChalker
-16b-
"Be not the slave of your own past plunge into the sublime seas, dive
deep, and swim far, so you shall
come back with new self-respect,
with new power, and with an
advanced experience that shall
explain and overlook the old."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
-17a-
Embracing Womanhood
There are many ways and myriad reasons for women to honor and embrace all that they
are. And when any individual woman chooses to do so, all women collectively move closer
to becoming what they are truly capable of being. By honoring her experience and being
willing to share it with others-both male and female-she teaches as she learns. When she
can trust herself and her inner voice, she teaches those around her to trust her as well.
Clasping hands with family members and friends, coworkers and strangers in a shared
walk through the journey of life, she allows all to see the self-respect she possesses and
accepts their respect, too, that is offered through look, word, and deed.
When a woman can look back into her past, doing so without regret and instead seeing
only lessons that brought her to her current strength and wisdom, she embraces the fullness
of her experience. She helps those around her to build upon the past as she does. And when
she chooses to create her desires, she places her power in the present and moves forward
with life into the future.
-17b-
From www.Daily OM.com
YOU CAN DO IT!!

o Failure is the opportunity to begin again, more intelligently.
Henry Ford
o Do not be afraid of going slowly, be afraid of standing still.
Chinese Proverb
o Failing doesnt make you a failure. Giving up, accepting your failure,
refusing to try again, does! Richard Exley
o When the world says give up, Hope whispers, Try it one more time.
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
o It takes courage to live courage and strength and hope and humor;
And courage and strength and hope and humor have to be bought and
paid for with pain and work and progress and tears.
Jerome P. Fleishman
o The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the
egg not by smashing it. Arnold Glasow
o Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
Oscar Wilde
o Success consist of a series of little daily efforts. Mamie McCullough
o Success seems to be connected with action. Successful people keep
moving. They make mistakes, but they dont quit. Conrad Hilton
o One of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his great
surprises, is to find he can do what he was afraid he couldnt do.
Henry Ford
-17c-
Let Go
To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I cant do it for someone
else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it is the realization I cant control
another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural
consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in
my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it is to make the most of
myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to
allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own
shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what
I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.
Anonymous
-18a-
Basic Rights in a Relationship

o The right to goodwill from the other.
o The right to emotional support.
o The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with
courtesy.
o The right to have your own view, even if your mate has a different
view.
o The right to have your feelings and experiences acknowledged as real.
o The right to receive a sincere apology for any behavior you find
offensive.
o The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern
what is legitimately your business.
o The right to live free from accusation and blame.
o The right to live free from criticism and judgment.
o The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with
respect.
o The right to encouragement.
o The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.
o The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.
o The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
o The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.
Adapted from Evans, P. (1996). The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Avon, MA: Adams Media Corporation.
-19a-
VIOLENCE
N
O
N
NEGOTIATION AND
FAIRNESS
Seeking mutually satisfying
resolutions to conflict
accepting change
being willing to
compromise.
NON-THREATENING
BEHAVIOR
Talking and acting so that she
feels safe and comfortable
expressing herself and doing
things.
ECONOMIC
PARTNERSHIP
RESPECT
Listening to her nonjudgmentally being emotionally affirming and understanding
valuing opinions.
Making money decisions

together making sure both
partners benefit from financial
arrangements.
EQUALITY
TRUST AND SUPPORT
SHARED RESPONSIBILITY
Supporting her goals in life respecting

her right to her own feelings, friends,
activities and opinions.
Mutually agreeing on a fair

distribution of work making
family decisions together.
RESPONSIBLE
PARENTING
Sharing parental responsibilities being a positive
non-violent role model for the
children.
NON
HONESTY AND
ACCOUNTABILITY
Accepting responsibility for
self acknowledging past use
of violence admitting being
wrong communicating openly and
truthfully.
VIO L E N C E
DOMESTIC ABUSE INTERVENTION PROJECT

202 East Superior Street
Duluth, Minnesota 55802
218-722-2781
How to Tell If Change Is Occurring

Signs of Little/No Change
Dropping out of or threatening to quit counseling; attending counseling irregularly
Continued use of force and/or threats
Continued substance abuse or alcohol abuse
Continued verbal/emotional force
Failing to acknowledge harm caused to ones partner
Blaming ones partner for ones use of force
Using what is learned in counseling against ones partner
Continued controlling or isolating behaviors
Refusing to hear or acknowledge partners anger for past uses of force
Sabotaging partners efforts to change
Pressuring for reconciliation or for forgiveness; using guilt
Using children against partner criticizing partner to them, threatening to take custody,
criticizing parenting, blaming partner for separation/visitation plan, not abiding by set
visitation
Signs of Positive Change
No longer using force of any type or threats
Taking responsibility for past uses of force without minimizing or blaming partner
Listening to partner
Partner feels safe to disagree or state an opinion
Conflicts are resolved respectfully, and one partner does not always win
Decisions are made mutually
Not being as rigid, demanding, or critical
Not manipulating partner or others
Expression of emotions other than anger
Accepting responsibility for own anger
Not expecting to be the center of attention
Partner can lead an independent life
No longer attempting to control partners activities or relationships with friends and family
Partner feels respected and supported
Adapted from Jones, A., & Schecter, S. When Love Goes Wrong: What to Do When You Cant
Do Anything Right. Harper Paperbacks (1993).
-19c-
Early Warning Signs of Potentially Abusive Relationships

Emotional/Verbal Signs:
Threatening violence against partner or others
Losing temper more easily or frequently than most
Difficulty discussing emotions openly
Inability to discuss problems calmly and rationally
Dealing with stress through violent outbursts
Unusual degrees of jealousy and/or insecurity
Dual personality or Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personality
Overkill in cruelty or kindness
Frequent criticism of partner, and/or partners children, family, friends
Dismissing partners opinions
Becoming enraged if partner doesnt follow advice
Accusations of infidelity
His/her anger inspires fear in partner
Partner often feels he/she is walking on eggshells
Attempts to make partner feel he/she couldnt survive on own
Partner feels stupid, ignorant, questioning of self-perceptions or own abilities
Rigid, gender-based ideas of what people should do
Making derisive comments or using demeaning terms based on gender
Blaming others for problems or use of force
Controlling Signs:
Expecting partner to not spend time with others or pursue outside interests; sulking or being
angry if partner does
Attempting to control how partner dresses
Attempting to control who partner talks to
Insisting upon knowing partners whereabouts at all times
Attempting to isolate partner
Disregarding that partner is a competent adult worthy of respect
Requiring partner to ask permission to do something (go somewhere, spend money, have
guests)
Believes he/she has a right to punish partner
Background/History:
Having been abused as a child
Witnessing abuse of mother by father
Prior relationships in which accusations of abuse were made, restraining orders filed, and/or
arrests occurred
Physical Signs:
Use of violence against others
Use of weapons
Being violent toward things (breaking objects, hitting walls)
Violence toward pets
Alcohol or substance abuse
Any physical force against partner
Adapted from multiple sources.
-19d-
Mindfulness Exercise
Observing Your Breath. Focus your attention on your breathcoming
in and out. Observe your breathing as a way to center yourself in your
wise mind. Observe your breathing as a way to take hold of your mind.
Leave behind non-acceptance.
Breathe Deeply. Lie on your back. Breathe evenly and gently. Focus
your attention on the movement of your stomach. As you begin to
breathe in, allow your stomach to rise in order to bring air into the lower
half of your lungs. As the upper halves of your lungs begin to fill with air,
your chest begins to rise and your stomach begins to fall. Dont tire
yourself. Continue to 10 breaths. The exhale will be longer than the
inhale.
Measure Your Breath By Your Footsteps. Walk slowly in a yard,
along a sidewalk, or on a path. Breathe normally. Determine the
length of your breaththe exhale and the inhaleby the number of
footsteps you have taken. Continue for a few minutes. Begin to
lengthen your exhale by one step. Do not force a longer inhale. Let it
be natural. Watch your inhale carefully. Continue for 10 breaths.
Counting Your Breath. Sit cross-legged on the floor; sit in a chair
with your feet on the floor; kneel; lie on the floor; or take a walk. As
you inhale, be aware that I am inhaling now. When you exhale, be
aware that I am exhaling now, 1. Remember to breathe from your
stomach. When beginning the second inhalation, be aware that I am
inhaling now, 2. Slowly exhale. Be aware that, I am exhaling now,
2. Continue up through 10. After you have reached 10, return to 1.
Whenever you lose count, return to 1.
Follow Your Breath While Listening to Music. Listen to a piece of
music. Breathe long, light, and even breaths. Follow your breath; be
aware of it while remaining aware of the movement and sentiments of
the music. Do not get lost in the music, but continue to be aware of
your breath and yourself.
Nhat Hanh, T. (1987). The miracle of mindfulness. Boston: Beacon Press.

-20b-
Mindfulness in Daily Life

Awareness of the Positions of the Body. This can be practiced any
time, any place. Begin to focus your attention on your breath. Breathe
quietly and more deeply than usual. Be mindful of the position of your
body, whether you are walking, standing, lying, or sitting down. Know
where you walk, stand, lie, or sit. Be aware of your position. For
example, you might be conscious that you are standing on a green
hillside in order to refresh yourself, to practice breathing, or just to stand.
If there is no purpose, be aware that there is no purpose.
Awareness While Making Tea or Coffee. Prepare a pot of tea or
coffee to serve a guest or to drink by yourself. Do each movement
slowly, in awareness. Do not let one detail of your movements go by
without being aware of it. Know that your hand lifts the pot by its handle.
Know that you are pouring the fragrant, warm tea or coffee into the cup.
Follow each step in awareness. Breathe gently and more deeply than
usual. Take hold of your breath in your mind strays.
Awareness While Washing the Dishes. Wash the dishes consciously,
as though each bowl is an object of contemplation. Consider each bowl
as sacred. Follow your breath to prevent your mind from straying. Do
not try to hurry to get the job over with. Just for this moment, consider
washing the dishes the most important thing in life.
Awareness While Taking a Bath. Allow yourself 30 45 minutes to
take a bath. Dont hurry for even a second. From the moment you
prepare the bath water to the moment you put on clothes, let every
motion be light and slow. Be attentive to every movement. Place your
attention to every part of your body, without discrimination or fear. Be
aware of each stream of water on your body. By the time you are
finished, your mind will feel as peaceful and light as your body. Follow
your breath. Think of yourself as being in a clean and fragrant lotus
pond in the summer.
Nhat Hanh, T. (1987). The miracle of mindfulness. Boston: Beacon Press.

-20c-
Sitting With Emotions

Our emotions color our lives with varying palettes. Sometimes we feel a strong emotion
in reaction to something that has happened, but emotions also visit us seemingly out of
the blue, flooding us unexpectedly with joy or grief or melancholy. Like the weather,
they come and go, influencing our mental state with their particular vibration.
Sometimes a difficult emotion hangs around longer than we would like, and we begin
to wonder when it will release its hold on us. This is often true of grief stemming from
loss, for example, or lingering anger over a past event.
Usually, if we allow ourselves to feel our emotions fully when they come up, they
recede naturally, giving way to another and another. When an emotion haunts us, it is
often because we are afraid of really feeling it. Emotions like despair and rage are
powerful, and it is natural to want to hold them at bay. Certainly, we dont want to let
them take us over so that we say or do things we later regret. When we are facing this
kind of situation, it can be helpful to consider, How long do I need to sit with these
emotions, how long do I need to feel these emotions before they can pass? Setting a
time limit on your engagement with that difficult emotion may be just the technique
you need to face it fully.
When you have a sense of how much time you need to spend, set a timer. Sit down and
make yourself available to the emotion that has been nagging you. All you have to do is
feel it. Avoid getting attached to it or rejecting it. Simply let it ebb and flow within you.
Emotions are by their nature cyclical, so you can trust that just as one reaches its apex it
will pass. Each time you sit with its presence without either repressing or acting out,
you may find that that difficult emotion was the catalyst for much needed emotional
healing.
-20d-
Adapted from www.TheDailyOm.com

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Vista

A Program for Women Who Use Force

vista: an extended vie...

About the Authors

Session Two: Identifying Forceful Behaviors, Goals and Consequences

Session Three: Effects of Force on Children, Family, Friends, and/or Pets

Session Four: Relationship Needs

Session Five: Cultural Messages and Responsibilities

Session Six: Defense Mechanisms and Survival Skills

Session Seven: Boundaries

Session Eight: Anger

Session Nine: Conflict Management

Session Ten: Releasing Judgment

Session Eleven: Shame

Session Twelve: Perceptions What is Strong? What is Weak?

Session Thirteen: Effectively Express Yourself

Session Fourteen: Stress Signals and Escalation

Session Fifteen: Protection PlanningCreating Physical and Emotional Safety

Session Sixteen: The Challenging Nature of Change

Session Seventeen: Your Future Self

Session Eighteen: Intimacy

Session Nineteen: Healthful Relationships

Session Twenty: Gifts to Yourself

Acknowledgements/About JBWS Inc.

References and Session Handouts

From Conversation to Intervention

Curriculum Development: An Evolving Process

domestic violence survivorship and diverse life experiences, while encouraging

Using this Curriculum: Philosophy and Approach

About the Authors

WHO I AM AND WHAT BROUGHT ME HERE

Develop a more complete picture of themselves outside the confines of their

Facilitator(s) introduces self and welcomes new members.

Review confidentiality including limits and exceptions for new members.

Review safety issues for new members.

The importance of attendance and commitment are emphasized.

3. What Brought Me Here

IDENTIFYING FORCEFUL BEHAVIORS, GOALS AND CONSEQUENCES

Name their forceful behaviors and recognize these behaviors as unhealthful

Welcome, Introductions, Immediate Concerns and Announcements

Facilitator(s) introduces self and welcomes new members.

Review confidentiality including limits and exceptions for new members.

Review safety issues for new members.

The importance of attendance and commitment are emphasized.

Defining Use of Force as an Unhealthy Behavior

Abuse refers to isolated and random acts of violence.

3. Goals of Forceful Behaviors

I wanted to gain control over a chaotic situation

4. Consequences of Using Force

EFFECTS OF FORCE ON CHILDREN, FAMILY, FRIENDS AND/OR PETS (CFFP)

Develop an understanding that their unhealthy intimate relationship dynamics

Facilitator(s) introduces self and welcomes new members.

Review confidentiality including limits and exceptions for new members.

Review safety issues for new members.

The importance of attendance and commitment are emphasized.

2. Introduction: Use of Forces Impact on Family and Friends

Are child protective services involved in the familys life?

Is visitation an issue between women and their current/former partners?

Identify relationship needs

Facilitator(s) introduces self and welcomes new members.

Review confidentiality including limits and exceptions for new members.

Review safety issues for new members.

The importance of attendance and commitment are emphasized.

2. Your Relationship Needs